Love’s
Cruel Hand
By
Tamster
My love, My hurt
The rain is like tiny needles on my skin. Why does it hurt me so? The lightning around me lights the shadows upon my face, and the thunder in my ears sends me shaking.
But see, I never questioned that before. Before what you ask, before you
left me.
XXXX
Well it all started when I saw you for the first time in the
office. My you took my breath away.
Standing there by the boss’s door, looking so poised, and collected. I wanted
you then.
You stood looking so confident, your outfit was so completely professional,
yet so understated. Your hair was trimmed short, and your green eyes sparkled
mischievously beneath the longest eyelashes I had ever seen. Your well defined
hands, and long tapered fingers were clutching onto your bag and brief case,
and the only sign of worry and nerves was your white knuckles.
I’m sure you must have been petrified having one hundred and fifty people
watching your every move. Wondering if you were there to take THEIR job. So
I did the right thing. I walked up, and introduced myself…
“Hi there, you must be Meaghan. I’m Stella, Stell for short.”
With a smile, I lifted a hand to place on your arm, and whispered cheekily,
“ Don’t be scared. They don’t
bite, and they don’t bark either.”
This is all it took, you smiled, and laughed softly. And then quipped back,
“I’mmm ggl..glad, I’m not so sure I want any of them biting me.”
It was now my turn to laugh, strange looks were now being directed our
way, so I suggested a coffee. You quickly agreed. So I took you to the machine,
and we chatted quietly over our steaming cups, and then I showed you to your
office.
Once I had left you at your new space to settle in, I walked off in a daze,
not realising that my feelings were worn all over my face. Apparently the
look or pure adoration, was clear in my expression, and lust was clear in
my blue eyes. Our work mates, watched me all that first day, and from then
on, wondered how long it was going to take for you to fall too. If it’s to
be believed, some even had bets laid.
Our friendship grew faster than a wildfire, and we started spending time
outside of work together. At first it was just the Saturday morning coffee
meet, then we’d take turns picking the other up and driving to work, and then,
we figured it’d be easier to just move in together.
So we did. One day mid spring. All the roses were in bloom, and the world
was positively humming with energy and activity. We moved your stuff into
my spare room. Then celebrated that night with a bottle of claret, and we
ordered in some Chinese.
Do you remember that night Meaghan? I do. I remember sitting at the end
of the lounge, facing you at the opposite end, watching you try to use the
chopsticks. God, you were so adorable. The food ended back into the carton,
and barely anything went into your mouth. Then it happened. You finally plucked
a bit of chicken, and it made the trip into your mouth. You were so excited,
that you spilt the entire contents of the carton onto my carpet. So I dashed
into the kitchen for a cloth, and came back to start wiping the mess. You
also helped, but mostly you got in my road.
After bumping heads for the fourth or fifth time, I looked up to see you
gazing into my eyes. My breath caught in my throat, and my eyes fluttered
shut. My heart just about beat itself out of my chest cavity. My mind went
blank, all I could think that maybe you were going to kiss me. Oh how I had
dreamed of that for months, since we first met on your first day.
Then it happened. You kissed me. My heart stopped. I swear it did. The
feel of your soft lips against mine, and the feel of your hot tongue probing
my mouth seeking entrance was almost my undoing. A groan from deep within
my throat came from somewhere, I’m still not sure where now. It was so deep
and guttural, it didn’t even sound like me. Our mouths fused together, our
tongues wrapped around each others, and then we both pulled away gasping for
air. I quickly backed up, thinking I had gone off the deep end, that I had
probably gone too far, forgetting completely that you had kissed ME.
That night, we talked for hours. Which was of course nothing new, but this
time we talked about us, as in us together. You lay in my arms as I stroked
your hair. We talked of hopes and dreams, and of past loves, and of future
loves, and how we fit into that. WE didn’t get to sleep till the wee hours
of that morning, and you joined me in my bed. That night, I held you as you
slept. Never before had I felt anything so right, never had I ever wanted
anything more than to do that for the rest of my life.
The next morning I woke with a smile. You were wrapped around my body,
and I woke you with my soft touches and tender kisses upon your face. We made
love for the first time that morning. It was a morning full of tender kisses,
soft caresses, and scorching touches. I told you I loved you that morning.
Do you remember?
XXXX
After that morning we had many a morning spent in bed, making love till
we fell into an exhausted slumber once more. I loved you like I had never
loved another before. And we were together for five years. Then one day, I
came home, and you weren’t there. You’d left me. I was utterly and completely
shattered. You broke my heart.
XXXX
So tell me what do I pray for now? Do I pray to get you back, to have
you tell me you love me still. Or do I just pray to get my own heart back?
The starry night bewitches me again. Night after night I’ve been sitting
out here on the jetty. Just watching the moon move around me on these cold
nights. It’s so cold, but yet night after night I continue to sit out here
on the cold, almost frozen wood. I bring a blanket out, and wrap it around
me tightly, with my coffee thermos beside me, and my half empty pack of cigarettes.
Then I go into an almost trance like state. I think back to our time together.
Oh those were the good days. What happened Stell? Not a day has passed since,
that I haven’t thought of you, that I haven’t thought of what you were doing,
and that I haven’t missed your love.
You think I left because of choice don’t you? You think I left because
I didn’t care. Well I’m telling you now Stella, I did care. I still do. I
still love you with all of my heart. Why else would I be sitting on a jetty,
in the freezing cold, tears streaming down my face, trying to work out why
I was so weak?
But the truth is, I don’t know. I know I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t have
you hurt. Never.
But I guess in the end I did anyway, I hurt both of us. I broke our hearts.
I remember the first day I saw you like it were only yesterday. God I was
so nervous. I was scared witless with all these people gawking at me. And
then I spotted you. Sprawled on that chair, with the presence of someone who
got her way the majority of the time. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.
Those eyes, I knew that in time to come they would be my undoing. And it turned
out they were.
You were so friendly, you walked straight up to me, and I nearly died.
You introduced yourself as Stella, but I was to call you Stell. It was your
voice, it made me melt, and oh god, the way you said my name, and the way
you looked at me. I fell for you at that very moment. I felt my heart twitch,
then it was yours for the taking.
Do you remember Stell how quickly we became friends, do you remember the
coffee dates we had at first, then I remember the first time I offered to
pick you up for work. I was so desperate for time with you, so elated when
you agreed to letting me pick you up. What made me happier was that you seemed
to love our times together too.
But I never knew. I was always so scared. Scared that what I felt was never
going to be returned. I thought it never could. How could someone so beautiful,
so utterly charming, love someone like me? So you can imagine my surprise.
When I moved into your apartment, that first night. The wine the Chinese dinner.
The accident, the kiss. Yes the kiss, oh god I kissed you.
You were so close, and when I looked into your eyes, I couldn’t pull away,
so I went with my instincts, I leant forward, and touched my lips to yours.
I was so scared Stell, I thought you were going to hate me, kick me out of
your home. But you didn’t. You kissed me back.
So we sat there on that lounge and talked, we talked all night. Only going
to bed in those last few hours before daylight. I woke wrapped around your
body, with you placing soft kisses in my hair. My heart soared. We made love
for the first time that morning Stell. It was the first of many mornings.
And I cried, I had streams of tears coursing down my face. You told me you
loved me too. I had never thought in any one life-time that I could be so
lucky as to have you return my love.
We spent five long years together, I loved every moment. I’d never want
to do anything different, except one thing. I left. I didn’t want to, I had
no choice, but I know now that I probably should have been stronger and stayed
with you. But the threat of you losing the job you loved so much was too much
for me. I can’t explain it now, all I can say is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry
I was scared, I’m sorry I ran away. Because if theres one thing I regret in
my lifetime, it was leaving you.
XXX
So Stella, after these three years, I wonder do you still think of me, like
I think of you? Or do you hate me?
XXXX
It’s time for me to go back inside now, the night is almost over and the
sun is starting to rise. As I stand to my feet, and take a deep breath of air,
I think back to a song of old, “All you get from love is a love song”. Tell me
that isn’t true. Tell me our hearts will indeed find a way.
Our love, My
hurt
The waves are crashing forcefully into the shore, and the wind is playing lightly in my hair. The sun has just set, and the colours of dusk still paint its beauty over the skies above. Looking out into the horizon, watching the gulls fishing for their dinner, I’m thinking about you. I always think of you.
I wonder what would have happened if you hadn’t have left. I wonder if
we’d still be together. I wonder if I’d still be seeing your beautiful smile
as I woke each morning, and still be the one to kiss you goodnight. I wonder
if you think of me too, and so in my fantasies you are. My fantasies are of
you pining away for me, and how you long to come back, but are too scared.
And I know deep in my heart that I am right, that this isn’t a fantasy, but
actual truth. But I wonder, why haven’t you come back to me?
XXXX
I went to sleep last night, with your name on my lips. I was full of uncertainty,
I wanted you to be there beside me, to be there to hold me. I could feel myself
growing more and more desperate with every minute that passed. I could hear
your voice whispering in my ear, could feel your soft breath against my skin.
Remembering now, how my skin prickled with awareness, and how my legs trembled
at the vivid image of you in my mind.
I remember our last night together. It was just like any other night, but
how I wish I had of said something. I wish that I hadn’t left you. How did
I leave you?
I wish I had had the strength to go back to you, but now it’s too late.
It’s far too late.
XXXX
Meaghan, you left me. And now, I just found that you’ve left me for good,
and you’re never coming back. Why? Why did you go, why did you leave? Why
didn’t you come back?
Tears are streaming down my face and I’m shaking with absolute fear. I’ve
just received a confidential letter from a courier. A letter that explains
all. Well so you would say.
I can feel myself growing numb, I can’t feel the chill in the air, and
I don’t hear the busy noise of the street behind me. My eyes are so blurred,
that I can’t see the words on the page, and my breathing so erratic that I’m
not certain of my next breath.
So I lean my back against the rail behind me, look up to the skies, praying
that whatever the letter says, that you’re okay.
XXXX
August 2000
Stell,
Whatever happens always know that I love you. Know that I never wanted
to leave you. Not then, and not now in death. If you are reading this, you
know that I have gone. Know that I am watching over you, and shall continue
to do so until we can be together again.
I should explain why I left you.
I left you because I was given no alternative. Your father, our boss. He
didn’t approve. You know he didn’t. He threatened to disinherit you completely,
remove you from your position, and back-list you in every town and state in
the country. And that’s not where it stops. He threatened to oust us both
to the nation, knowing that we both wished to live peacefully. Now I know
you are thinking that I should have told you. But know this. I know how you
loved that company, you thrived on the kill, well so to speak. It’s your life,
and more over, it’s your heritage. I couldn’t deny you that.
I was hoping that after a given amount of time that I could return, and
things would go back to the way they were. And believe me, I had made plans
to do so. But then, if you’re reading this letter, those plans never got put
into action.
So now within this note, I ask, I beg that you go see my lawyer, Timothy
Jones. He can explain everything, he knows everything. And please Stell, remember
I did everything out of love for you, I couldn’t ask that you give up your
birthright, I just couldn’t.
I loved you Stell, and I never stopped thinking about you, and remember
I was coming back for you.
Yours forever and always,
Meaghan.
XXXX
My tears are running faster and harder than ever. I have the letter from
Meaghan clutched in my hands, and I’m shivering. I’m so cold, my heart’s so
empty.
She’s gone, she’s really gone.
I pull my body up and away from the board-walk, and run down to the water,
walking in to my knees, and stopping cold. I look out into the horizon, my
tears welling up in my eyes, my bottom lip quivering, and whimpering noises
coming from my throat.
I close my eyes, and I can see you before me. See you as I saw you all
those years ago. I see you as I did, the very first day I ever laid my eyes
upon you. In my father’s office building, looking so calm and collected. And
if I concentrate really hard, I can hear your voice, your beautiful laugh.
Oh god, you’re gone. You’re really gone.
A shadow lurks around the corner my love
I’m on the train right now, watching out the window; just watching the world as the train rattles by. The trees are just blurs in my vision, and the children bright flecks of colours in their backyards and local parks. Then I look to the sides of the tracks as I pass, the normally dry tracks are dotted with muddy waters from the recent rain. And then my attention is drawn to the inside of the carriage; The children are causing havoc in the aisles. Playing their childish games, darting up and down the narrow corridors, and yet I’m left still thinking of you.
It’s been a couple of years now since you left me, and a year since I received
the “letter”. I just wanted you to know, that there’s not a day goes by that
I don’t think of you. I can still hear your voice whispering in my ear, I
still smell you scent nearby, and I can still feel the sweet joy of your soft
lips upon mine. I still remember you like it were only yesterday, I still
love you more than anything.
Once again, like always it seems, tears are rolling down my cheeks. My
eyes are blurred, and my tongue feels swollen in my mouth. I can still feel
tiny elements of anger boiling in my blood, but at the present I am helpless.
Which brings me to why I am on this blasted train. You know how much I hate
trains, yet I find myself on one today. I’m heading for the Royal North Shore
Hospital. I’m going to find some answers, I swear to you, I’m going to find
the answers as to why, today.
XXXX
I’m sitting in the most uncomfortable chair in the training and research
section of the RNS, and my heart is
racing, and I cannot believe my eyes. I’ve just been given a report on the
findings of your autopsy. As my eyes scan over the material, and I read of
the gruesome details, it occurs to me that it was such a senseless death.
Shot with a 44 calibre pistol five times, in the back no less. I feel sick
to my stomach, but a though occurs to me. I’m reading this about YOU. I should
be almost passed out by this stage. You remember what I was like. Remember
when you broke your arm? I passed out. What about when we went hiking, you
slipped on a bit of moss covering the rocks, and cut your forehead, you needed
stiches, I passed out. Meagh, I knew it, something is up.
Then I quickly re-read the beginning again.
Name: Meaghan
Cait Johnns
D.O.B: 12
February 1969
Blood Type: A-
Address: 59
Elizabeth Rd,
Caloundra
Queensland
Meagh that’s all I got to again. Then my brain kicked in. A- ! You’re not A-, you’re OB-. It’s a
hoax… They’re wrong. It’s not you!
Oh my god Meaghan. YOU’RE STILL ALIVE! I’ve got find you.
XXXX
I’m standing outside now. There’s thunder and lightning crashing around
me. The rain is pelting into my body, and has me soaked through to the skin,
yet I couldn’t care. You’re still alive…
XXXX
Oh Stell, help me. I’m in total darkness, I don’t know where I am. I
don’t even know how long I’ve been at this place. And I’ve got no idea how I’m
going to get out. But, I do know who put me here, and the dozen of other places
before this one.
Marcus Orkopolous.
Stell, your father, he found me. And then he went back on our agreement.
He took me baby. Baby, I need you. Please… Find me.
XXXX
Hearing a deep savage growl “ I
WANT HER OUT NOW!”
My ears perked to attention. I’m imagining things. It can’t be.
“Get…Out…Of…My…WAY!”
Oh my god, oh my god oh my god…”STELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLA”
Tears streaming down my face, my tongue feeling thick in my mouth. Banging
on the door of my prison, trying to get her attention. Then I heard her footsteps,
and her whispered words.
“ Meaghan I’m here, baby I’m here.”
The metal door clanged open, and I was swept into my lovers arms once more.
Tears falling freely from my eyes, and I’m sobbing uncontrollably into her
broad shoulders. Her hands are running up and down my back, soothing my tears,
and her sweet voice is whispering into my ear.
“ Baby, I’m here… Gods I’ve missed you”
My tears falling harder, and my hands reaching to cup her face, pulling
back and looking deep into her green eyes, whispering, “ I’m so sorry, I love
you so much. Please don’t ever let me go again. Please.”
With that, I started to sway, and my knees buckled from under me. Then
you, my saviour, swept me off my feet, and carried me out to where our chariot
awaited.
XXXX
Finally the sun was setting and we were driving away from your prison of
so long, our hands clasped tightly together, and silently watching the
kilometres pass by. I never asked questions, I never asked why.
I never spoke of my father again, and in return you never left my side.
We proved once and for all, love is eternal. You are my love, my heart.
25 October 2000