Xena the Mighty
by Zarah and Onyx
DISCLAIMER: Xena, Gabrielle, Aphrodite, and Ares don't belong to us;though some of them fit in with the whole Greek mythology thing quite well, we can't take credit for it. Well, we could, but lawsuits aren't our idea of a good time. This song contains references to consentual sexual maneuvers...now try saying that five times fast! Anyway, if you have objections to any of this subject matter, don't read it. And if you disregard this advice, don't blame us for your mental hospital bill. Oh by the way, there are also a few words contained in this manuscript that your mother told you never to say, but we said them anyway. We wrote this after consuming considerable quantities of caffeine, so it might help if you do the same before reading it.
(The indented lines are sung by Xena.)
Xena the mighty,
Prettier than Aphrodite,
Beats up people all day long,
Bitches at me when she's wrong.
When she's got pms,
Everybody's in distress.
You'd better run and hide your head
Or pretty soon you'll end up dead!
Xena the mighty
Doesn't wear a didey.
When she stops to take a leak,
I bend a branch and take a peek!
She's got big boobies,
She's good at hawking loogies.
Her chakram flashes through the air
And chops off everybody's hair!
Xena's a hero.
Her men are often zeroes.
Her women are much better,
But she's too fond of leather.
Xena's a beauty!
She kicks the bad guys' booties!
Xena has a lot of guts.
I like to watch her sexy butt.
Xena's a hottie.
I want to touch her body.
I'd like to lick her ass some day --
Gods i hope she's really gay!
She's got nice dimples,
But i prefer her nipples.
She finds a lot of treasure chests.
I'd really like to touch her breasts.
She makes me horny,
Although it sounds so corny,
I can't wait till we hit the hay
So next to her i get to lay.
Xena's no wussy!
I'd love to lick her-
[Xena walks in and interrupts]
You'd love to lick my what, my dear?
Have you been drinking too much beer?
Ares was here,
But he didn't give me beer.
But i have a sneaking hunch
That he went and spiked my punch.
If he hurt you,
I'm gonna beat him black 'n' blue.
While i'm i'm at it, do you think
That there's any left to drink?
No, i'm ok,
I saved some for you anyway.
I haven't had a drop to drink --
I've gotta catch up fast, I think!
Here's your punch, dear
Sit beside me over here.
I'd like to feel you at my side.
My hormones are in overdrive!
You are so drunk,
And i know you want to fuck.
I'm afraid to seize the day --
What if you're not really gay?
I was thinking
Before we started drinking,
I want you for all my life.
I want you to be my wife!
By the way dear,
I should tell you that i'm queer.
I can't tell you any lies,
I admit that i am bi!
I've got to confess
You give me cardiac arrest.
When you're close to me i swear
I wish i was totally bare!
Gabrielle,
I think you're really swell!
I want to take off all your clothes
And place a kiss upon your nose.
Xena you're swell
But i hate that leather smell!
Can't wait till you take it off...
Underneath maybe you're soft.
Gabrielle,
I'd rather go through hell
Than have you apart from me --
That's how much you mean to me.
I love you so
And i hope our feelings grow.
I love you so very much
Even without all this punch.
That's so sweet, love
I thank all the gods above
That you're mine for all my life
I'll gladly take you as my wife.
I'm so happy
But this is way too sappy!
Why don't you come over here
And show me that you're really queer?
I can't wait to
See what both of us can do!
I've been waiting far too long
Let's shut up and get it on.
We all know what happens next...except of course for those of us who have been lobotomized. If you want a play-by-play account, write it yourself...you'll probably do a better job than we would. If you really want to tell us what you think happens next, e-mail us at xenafreak69@hotmail.com or onyx80@hotmail.com...and if we like your ideas, we might just plagiarize. But if you see something that looks familiar, it's not necessarily yours...you know great minds think alike! Especially when you happen to be psycho...uh wait a minute, i meant to say psychic.