AMAZONIA ACRES

by

Lori S

 

 

Amazonia is the place to be!

Village livin' is the life for me.

Forest spreadin’ out so far and wide...

Keep Athens, just give me the country life.

Corinth is where I rather stay...

I get allergic smelling centaur hay!

I just adore a city view,

Darlin’ I love ya, but give me a battle too!

The chores, the wars, farm air, tavern square...

You are my wife!

Goodbye warrior life...

Amazonia, we are there!

 

FADE IN:

 

Ext. Path - Day

 

Walking along a path, Xena is leading Argo by the reins. Gabrielle is walking beside her.

GABRIELLE

Xena?

 Xena steps thru a mud puddle as she looks toward Gabrielle.

  XENA

Yes Gabrielle?

Gabrielle, who can’t meet Xena’s eyes, looks up towards the trees.

GABRIELLE

Umm, do you remember the

last time I was in the Amazon village?

  XENA

Yes I do.

  GABRIELLE

Umm, do you remember when I said the Amazons

had purchased a tract of land to expand the territory?

 

Xena turns toward Gabrielle.

 

 XENA

Gabrielle, what are you getting at?

GABRIELLE

Well umm, what if I told you I made a promise to

Ephiny to come back and help with the migration?

 

Gabrielle looks anxiously at Xena.

 

XENA

I wouldn’t mind. When do we need to be there

and for how long?

GABRIELLE

Well that is the funny part. I don’t know for how

long and we really need to be there before planting season.

 

Xena pulls Argo to a halt and looks towards Gabrielle.

XENA

What do you mean you don’t know and before

planting season?

 

Gabrielle sits down on a convenient rock and glances up at Xena.

 

GABRIELLE

Well umm, that’s the thing. The Amazons are going to

plant crops to help them provide during the expansion,

and seeing as how I am really the only person with farming

experience I told them I would help.

 

Letting Argo’s reins go, Xena sits down on the rock beside Gabrielle.

 

XENA

Gabrielle, you hated farming and to be more precise

you were a farmer’s daughter, not a farmer. Do I even

need to mention that you hated living in a village?

 

Gabrielle jumps up off the rock and faces Xena.

 

GABRIELLE

I did not hate farming or the village. I just hated being

stuck in that village with Perdicus.

 

Gabrielle starts pacing back and forth in front of Xena.

GABRIELLE

I think this is something we need to do, and being

Queen I need to be there for the tribe. I can’t let them

fend for themselves. They would probably starve.

Xena stands up and moves toward Gabrielle.

XENA

Trust me Gabrielle, they would not starve.

Gabrielle looks skeptical.

XENA

Don’t give me that look, bard. I can hurt you.

GABRIELLE

You and what army, oh Conqueror of Nations?

Xena and Gabrielle both laugh, as the tension is broken.

XENA

Okay I concede. So where exactly is the new land?

You didn’t say where it is located.

Xena grabs Argo’s reins and they both start walking again. After a few moments, Gabrielle finally answers.

GABRIELLE

It’s in Hootervillius.

Xena arches an eyebrow as she looks at Gabrielle.

XENA

Hootervillius?

GABRIELLE

Yes, Hootervillius.

XENA

Oh great! A bunch of Amazons running around

a place named Hootervillius.

Innocently, Gabrielle answers.

GABRIELLE

They say there are a lot of owls nearby.

XENA

I just bet. I have never heard of Hootervillius and

I ruled half of Greece

GABRIELLE

It’s near Pixopolis.

Xena stops dead in her tracks and turns towards Gabrielle.

XENA

Gabrielle, you are pulling my leg. I have never heard

of Pixopolis or for that matter Hootervillius. I am

probably going to regret this but where is Pixopolis?

GABRIELLE

Hmm, as far as I could figure out its somewhere

around Athens.

XENA

Around Athens?

GABRIELLE

Well yeah. It’s near there.

XENA

Near there?

GABREILLE

Xena just trust me on this.

 

Ext. Ramshackle Hut – Early Evening

Xena walking around the outside of a hut.

XENA

Gabrielle. You’ve got to be kidding me! This is

our hut? I have slept in better caves. That one side

doesn’t even have any walls.

Gabrielle puts her hand on Xena’s back and lightly rubs it.

GABRIELLE

Xena, I was told they are getting these two locals

to fix the wall, and they should be out first thing in the morning.

XENA

Ummph I just don’t like it.

GABRIELLE

Xena trust me on this.

Xena turns towards Gabrielle.

XENA

Why do you keep saying that Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE

I don’t know but do you trust me?

XENA

Of course... with my life.

GABRIELLE

Okay then. Please just trust me on this.

 

Int. Hut - Early Morning

Xena stands off to the side at the ready of the non-existent hut wall as she hears voices.

VOICE 1

Shh... you will wake them up.

VOICE 2

Don’t shhh me. I am older than you.

Voice 2 takes off his hat and hits voice 1 with it.

VOICE 1

Only by one drop of sand!

Voice 1 says as she rubs her arm where it had been hit.

As the voices move closer towards Xena, she jumps out of her hiding spot pointing her sword at the two strangers.

XENA

And who do we have here? Curlylis and Moesyis?

Stammering

VOICE 1

Carpenters, ma’am.

XENA

Don’t call me ma’am.

VOICE 2

Yes ma’am... umm... I mean, no ma’am.

XENA

Now who exactly are you two?

Gabrielle wakes up and speaks in a groggy voice.

GABRIELLE

Xena what are you doing playing with your sword

so early in the morning? Come back to bed. It’s cold.

Xena stares at the two strangers, not even looking back at Gabrielle.

XENA

As I said, who are you two?

VOICE 1

My name is Ming T’ien and this is my sister K’ao Hsin.

 

Gabrielle kicks off her sleeping fur and trips slightly on it as she comes to stand beside Xena.

GABRIELLE

Hi I’m Gabrielle, and the brooding warrior is Xena.

Xena sheaths her sword but moves her hand down to her chakram.

MING T’IEN

I’m Ming T’ien and this here is K’ao Hsin and we were

here to fix your wall.

GABRIELLE

Great. We have been expecting you. How long do

you think it will take?

  K’ao Hsin

A few days, tops.

XENA

A few days?

 

Ming T’ien and K’ao Hsin look at each other, startled by Xena’s sudden exclamation.

MING T’IEN

Well yeah we have to convert the chicken coop

plans to a wall-building plan, then we can build

your wall.

XENA

Chicken coop?

K’AO HSIN

Yep we are the best darn chicken coop builders this

side of Athens. Salmoneus also said you all would be

needing a chicken coop.

Xena turns towards Gabrielle .

XENA

Gabrielle, what does Salmoneus have to do with this?

Gabrielle gulps noticeably.

GABRIELLE

Umm well, he is the one who sold us the land.

Salmoneus comes riding in on a donkey, clanking from the pots and pans hanging off the animal

SALMONEUS

Did I hear my name called?

Xena growls.

SALMONEUS

Why Xena... long time no see. How’s kicks?

She grabs Salmoneus by the front of his tunic.

XENA

Oh just great! I am going to be doing some kicking

here shortly. Salmoneus, I don’t know what your

scheme is, but I want all this fixed and I want it fixed now.

GABRIELLE

Xena put Salmoneus down. He has been a tremendous

help to the Amazons, and I don’t want you hurting

him over a wall.

Xena lets go of Salmoneus’s tunic.

SALMONEUS

Thank you Gabrielle.

He straightens his tunic.

SALMONEUS

There is no scheme, Xena. My late uncle Haniam left

me this land when he died. He built this hut with his bare

hands. I even lived here a short time while awaiting

funding for my latest business venture.

XENA

Which is?

SALMONEUS

Oh this and that. Odds and ends.

GABRIELLE

Salmoneus, I thought this place was supposed to be

furnished?

SALMONEUS

Well you see, I couldn’t let my dear old Uncle Haniam’s

possessions be damaged, so I put them in storage over

in Pixopolis.

XENA

You can bring them back now.

SALMONEUS

Well that is the problem. I kinda owe the storage guy

some dinars and the cost of transporting it back.

Xena interrupts Salmoneus.

XENA

Salmoneus, get to the point!

SALMONEUS

I don’t have the funds at the moment to pay for it.

GABRIELLE

Xena, give Salmoneus some dinars.

XENA

Gabrielle!?!?

GABRIELLE

Trust me on this, Xena.

XENA

There you go with the phrase again.

 

 

Ext. Outside of hut - Mid Day

Xena gestures towards the two workers.

XENA

Gabrielle, I could build a wall faster than those two.

They have been measuring all morning.

GABREILLE

Xena, we are trying to build a good relationship with

the nearby village, and Ephiny thought hiring locals

would help. K’ao Hsin and her brother decided to go into the chicken coop building business together after a nasty accident with black powder in Chin. Since then they have dedicated their lives to chicken coop building.

MING T’IEN

Thought you might like to know we are almost finished

converting the chicken coop plans into a wall building

plan. Wanna see?

K’ao Hsin hands Xena a piece of paper with a drawing of a chicken coop on it. The word chicken coop has been crossed out and replaced with wall.

XENA

This is a chicken coop!!!!!

K’AO HSIN

No its not! It’s a house!

Gabrielle rubs Xena’s back lightly.

GABRIELLE

Xena, please.

XENA

Gabrielle, I don’t like this.

GABRIELLE

Xena, do you trust me?

Xena shakes her head, purses her lips tightly and starts walking away.

MING T’IEN

Now all we have to do is wait for the local inspector

to come out to approve the building.

Xena stops and turns abruptly.

XENA

What do you mean local inspector? We are on

Amazon land.

Ming T’ien points to a spot just inches from where the wall is to be replaced.

MING T’IEN

Everything up to this point is Amazon land, but you see,

your wall is on village land and it has to be approved.

GABRIELLE

Umm, how long does it take to be approved?

K’AO HSIN

Oh, no time at all. Just have to get Pao S’su out to look at

it and it’s a done deal.

XENA

Okay then, get Pao S’Su out here to look at this today so

you can start working on it!

MING T’IEN

Well that’s a problem. She’s in Chin to visit our mother

and won’t be back for at least two weeks.

XENA

Two weeks?????

Ming T’ien and K’ao Hsin both start backing away from Xena.

K’AO HSIN

Umm yeah, but we can start working on that chicken

coop since that is being built on Amazon land.

Xena throws up her hands and stalks off.

Int – Barn – Early Evening

Clank... Clank... Clank...

XENA

Please let that be Salmoneus back with the furniture,

and not who I think it is.

Door opens to the barn and light floods in on Xena and Argo.

JOXER

Xena I have been looking all over for you.

XENA

No, this can’t be happening.

JOXER

What can’t be happening?

XENA

Nothing. What brings you here?

JOXER

I work here.

XENA

You work here?

JOXER

Well yeah. I worked for Salmoneus when he owned

this land, and thought maybe I could get my job back.

I require two weeks paid vacation one week sick leave,

and oh yeah... can’t forget the blue star blue sword of

Athens insurance.

XENA

No.

JOXER

Come on, Xena. I can help you. I know this place like

the back of my hand.

Joxer turns his hand and slightly jumps when he looks at it.

XENA

No.

Xena starts walking towards the barn door.

JOXER

Okay, how about one week paid one week sick and

Mutual of Corinth Insurance?

The barn door slams shut as Joxer gets his last word out.

JOXER

Okay, Xena... we can talk later.

Joxer turns towards Argo.

JOXER

They always say never accept the first offer anyway.

Int. Stable - Mid morning

Xena is brushing Argo and whispering quietly in the horse’s ear.

XENA

If I didn’t know better, I would think the Furies were

playing games with my head again. This farming life is

driving me mad, and we have been here only one day. I

think those crazy people from that next farm over had a

talking pig. I need to find something to do to occupy my

time while Gabrielle wanders around the field.

Xena puts down the brush and looks approvingly at the horse.

XENA

Well girl, looks like you have the shiniest coat this side

of Corinth.

Xena pats Argo one last time and head toward the hut.

 

Int. Hut - Early afternoon

Xena is rummaging through the various drawers and baskets lying around the hut. She throws them out the non-existent wall as she straightens up the hut.

XENA

Hey, a scroll! Maybe it’s a copy of Pentopolius Hut.

Xena has a lecherous grin on her face.

Xena slowly unrolls it and across the top it says "Good Hut Keeping".

XENA

Well, I guess you can’t win them all.

Xena slowly sits down and starts reading the articles coming to a section about cooking. Getting a smile on her face, she looks around the hut and then back to the scroll.

Int. Hut - Evening

Gabrielle and Joxer enter the hut. They hear various sounds coming from the hearth area and look at each other with a questioning look.

XENA

Come on in, you two. I am making dinner.

Gabrielle mouths "Xena’s making dinner?" with her eyebrows raised towards Joxer.

XENA

Come on, you two. It’s almost ready.

Gabrielle enters the makeshift dining area and sees Xena with an apron around her waist flipping something in a frying pan.

GABRIELLE

What are you up to?

XENA

Making dinner. I found this scroll in those baskets that

were lying around in here and thought I would try the

recipes in it. I have hot pita which I am making now.

Gabrielle looks around Xena to spy what looks like a piece of dough bubbling up in the frying pan.

XENA

And something called a vasilopita. Had problems

finding a big enough pan to hold it all but finally found

an old oat pan and got all the dough in it.

Xena gestures towards what looks like a wagon wheel sitting on the table.

Gabrielle answers in a confused voice.

GABRIELLE

It looks good, Xena. Umm, how much flour did you

use for that vasilopita?

XENA

Well it said one flour so I used one bag of flour, one bag

of sugar, one bushel of eggs and one churn of butter.

Gabrielle looks over at the empty five-pound bags of flour and sugar lying on the floor.

XENA

Sit down. Dinner is ready.

Joxer and Gabrielle sit down and Xena dishes out the hot pita onto both of their plates. Joxer’s hot pita makes one last bubble that pops shooting dough towards his face. Joxer swings his hands around trying to avoid the splatters.

GABRIELLE

You going to eat with us, Xena?

XENA

Oh no. I have been munching on dried meat all day, and

I couldn’t eat another bite.

GABRIELLE

Oh ok.

Gabrielle pokes at her hot pita for a minute not seeming to know what to make of it. Joxer in the mean time picks his up and bites down on it. Sounds of breaking teeth are heard as Joxer drops his hot pita back onto the plate.

They both look at each other.

GABRIELLE

Are you thinking what I am thinking?

Joxer and Gabrielle both whisper at the same time, "Chicken coop shingles". Gabrielle picks up both hot pita and pitched them out a convenient window

XENA

So how is it?

GABRIELLE

Delicious. I don’t think I could eat another bite.

Do you, Joxer?

JOXER

Oh no. I am so full I could bust.

XENA

Darn! And here I made a whole stack of them.

GABRIELLE

Midnight snack maybe?

XENA

You do like to snack at night.

Xena winks and Gabrielle grins at the comment.

Int. Bedroom - Night

Xena and Gabrielle are laying on their bedroll looking out at the stars through their non-existent wall.

XENA

So are you going to tell me why Joxer is still hanging

around?

GABRIELLE

Well as much as I hate to admit this, he did something

I couldn’t do.

XENA

And what was that?

GABRIELLE

You know that old mule Salmoneus sold us?

XENA

Yes...

GABRIELLE

Umm well, it didn’t want to move. Joxer just happened

to be walking by, and that old Hoytus-Clagwellus mule

started following Joxer down the road. Now I wasn’t about

to let my 10 dinars walk away so I hired Joxer to walk in

front of the mule until we can get another one. You’re not

mad are you?

XENA

Of course not. I trust you, remember?

Gabrielle kisses Xena on the cheek and they settle down to sleep.

FADE OUT:

 

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