Disclaimer: 

NOT FOR KIDS (and I mean it).

No Xena's were harmed during the making of this poem. I also tried my best to steal as much stuff as I possibly could, Christmas related or other.

Additional info: This is a poem from the good old days when Xena was still evil and hard to kill. Yet another sin to atone for..... oh goodie.... Oh, and if you can, imagine the voice of Boris Karloff, Vincent Price or Patrick Stewart with it.

Have you ever wondered

'bout that guy in the mall

who pretends to be Santa

but isn't at all?

And why the real Santa Claus

never comes by?

Well, that's cause he's dead

and I'll tell you why....

It was real long ago

in the darkest of times

and the cold winter air filled

with bright solstice chimes

All the people rejoiced

for they liked this a lot

but Xena just sulked

cause really did not.

She hated this solstice thing,

stupid bells ringing

and idiot people

that wouldn't stop singing.

She'd ring them some bells!

Dumbbells, she would

smack 'em, crack on their face,

that 'd shut them up good!

She just sat around hating

the whole solstice season

Why? No one knows really

what was the reason.

She just never got

what the fuzz was about

All those warm feelings, yuck!

She could just do without.

Baby booties and stockings

hung snug in a row

from the fire place flew

Oh, she hated it so!

Folks would drink nog of egg,

they would feast on roast beast!

And roast beast was a feast

she could stand in the least!

Pondering the unpleasantness

soon to be here.

She got an idea

Yes! It all became clear.

A plan had now hatched

in her great, twisted brain.

"No solstice this year!"

she laughed out insane.

So she pulled on some pants

made of leather, bright red

and she found some red hat

that she popped on her head.

She strapped on red suspenders,

that last Sente touch.

But she took em back off

cause they just were to much.

Then she peeked in the mirror

quite cheerful indeed,

much better then Sente!

This plan would succeed.

"Who's Sentecles now?"

she grinned, with a growl

slipping on her red coat

with a smile smooth and fowl.

Now just one thing was missing

a reindeer, or something

but scarceness posed problems

for finding the dumb thing.

But did that stop her?

Ha! not in the least!

She just scoped around

for some other poor beast.

A penguin perhaps,

those made good assistants,

they were widely renowned

for their great cold resistance.

But alas, they were scarcer

than reindeer these things.

So some antlers got tied to a cat

with some strings

Yes, adored with red ribbons

and nose with red glow

a Siamese cat

pulled her sleigh trough the snow

She was ready for Sente!

To kick his butt big,

and then, just for fun

she'd take over his gig!

But rather then of giving

she'd loot the whole world

and grinning real grinchly

fast forward she hurled.

Into the night

as the full moon shone brightly

And Sente appeared,

greeting rather politely.

That big fat red bastard!

This guy had to go!

she launched into a flip

as he laughed: "ho ho ho".

In midair she kicked

the old guy in the head

And he fell from his sleigh

but he wasn't yet dead.

As he lay in the snow

bruised, all purple and blue

He looked up Xena and asked

"How could you?"

But her grin said enough.

Too the cat he then turned

and asked: "Why do you do this?"

sincerely concerned.

"Why she's bad?" Xena said

"well now, I'll tell you that,

cause I'll catch her a fish"

"what she said" quipped the cat

Then she hissed at poor Sente

and Xena grinned gladly.

That cat was allright!

But Sente sighed sadly.

So, she knocked him about some,

quite out off his wits.

Till she pulled out her sword

and chopped him to bits

"No more ho ho hoing"

she snared with a sneer

"Don't worry now kiddies,

Xena is here!......"

Then she smiled a smug smile

and flew into the night

With a shrill solstice shriek

and the cat by her side.

aiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The end.