(Fanfiction Torture)
by Bat Morda
1997 Jan 31

Author's Comments:
Aug 07 2000

You guys may think I'm nuts, but basically my characters stomp around in my head and talk to me. That's where the writin' comes from. I've tried to illustrate this process in a few skits. Here's one of them. Oh, and just to avoid confusion out there. "Mrs. Bat" does not refer to my current gf, SB. "Mrs. Bat" was two exes ago and I don't want people getting too confused. For further confusion, "Lucy and Robbie" grew up to be "Xero and Rielle"-- did I mention they were originally college classmates?

In a message dated 1/30/97 7:49:03 PM, you wrote:

<<Yes, you indeed are in danger of having flying glass land near your keyboard.... Mel is seen tapping her fingers impatiently, waiting for you to get on with her story... :)>>


Mel Papis: We're waiting...

<Mel and Janice standing arm in arm in Bat's computer room- the "Bat Crossing" sign can be seen behind them on the door>

Gabrielle: Yeah- but we were here first.

<Gabrielle, Daphne and Raven are standing together on the other side of the computer next to the stand up Lt. Commander Dax.>

Bat: (noticing Mel & Janice's closeness) You guys can't stand that close. You're not *there* yet.

Janice <annoyed>: Well we won't ever get *there* if you don't get your but in gear...

Daphne: Like the bard said *we* were here first- you two are just camping on the beach- at least we're at our dramatic climax...

Mel: <defending Janice> I don't see why you're so anxious. I have it on good authority that all of you are going to get hurt and one of you is going to die. <everybody looks at Raven>

Raven: Can't guess which one...

Janice: Don't give me that *story climax* crap. I get shot in the next chapter...

Bat: Look, I'm sure we can work this out. All of you can get where...<notices Raven leaving the room and feels nervous> where you need to go. If you'd just...

Xena <entering the crowded room>: I couldn't find any port in the fridge so I helped myself to some of that dark fizzy stuff. Hey who is she? <Xena notices the Dax stand up and stands next to it to make sure she's taller>.

Bat: Don't bother Xena, you aren't. 5'10.5" might be *almost six feet* but six feet *is* six feet.

Xena: I could take her in a fight. <Gabrielle and every one of her look alikes beams at the warrior princess>

Bat: Maybe, but she swings a mean Bat'thel, and is over 400 years old by the way.

Xena: <examining the stand up more closely> She doesn't look it. <Xena considers *trimming* the stand up with her sword>. Please put that away, if Mrs. Bat won't let me swing a sword in the house, neither can you. And the fizzy stuff was Pepsi, help yourself - I've been off the stuff for a month.

Raven <from the bedroom>: Nice knife collection.

Bat: Oh great! Idgie, come here, I don't want you unsupervised around Raven.

Janice: I thought that was Argo?

Bat: She is, well she isn't. She's just playing Argo in your story.

Xena: Argo is tethered outside...

Bat: You brought the horse?!

<Janice and Xena look at each other and both smile seductively>

Xena and Janice in unison: Hi

Gabrielle: Oh no you don't. You're with *me* remember...

Janice: <to Gabrielle> Hey! Leave her alone!

<Janice starts toward the bard. Gabrielle pushes Xena aside and stands toe to toe with the archeologist>

Mel: Oh no you don't. <grabs Janice's arm and pulls her back> You're coming with me.

Sounds can be heard from the living room.

Bat: What in Hades is that?

Callisto and Dr. Leesto arrive arm in arm with several boxes of pizza: Sorry we're late. Hope everyone likes pepperoni and pineapple.

Bat <to Callisto>: What are you doing here? <and too Dr. Leesto> and you haven't even been introduced yet. You don't exist.

Dr. Leesto: I was mentioned in chapter one and that's enough for me. I met up with Cassie <smiles lovingly at Callisto> while I was waiting *forever* to make my grand entrance...

Gabrielle: Well you're going to have to wait a little longer. Bat is doing *our* story first.

Callisto: <to Dr. Leesto> See, I told you how irritating she is.

Mel: She has a point, about them being here first I mean.

<Gabrielle looks up shyly at Melinda Papis>

Gabrielle: You think so?

Xena: <stepping in between them> That's enough you two.

Raven: <still in the other room> This knife isn't legal in California, is it? It goes nicely with the leather bustier though...

Bat: I give up. <taking the boxes of pizza from Callisto> I'm going to have something to eat- the rest of you can work on your own stories for all I care, I'm taking a break.

Mel <concerned, to Xena>: Do you think we pushed her too far?

Xena: Nah, she'll come round- she always does.

Daphne: So what do we do now?

Callisto: I hear there is a get together tonight for the cast of all the unfinished Saddlehorn stories.

Gabrielle: <snaking an arm around Xena's waist> Sounds good to me, is the Xena from Twist of Fate going to be there?

Xena: Gabrielle! <Gabrielle shrugs>

Janice: <wrapping her arms around Mel> Count us in.

Mel: Is the Gabrielle from Heart of the Warlord going to be there?

Janice: Mel?! She isn't even in your timeline.

Mel: Yeah, but at least she goes after what she wants.

Janice: Well I'd go after *it* too if that damn flying mammal would get cracking...

Daphne: I've got nothing better to do, a party sounds good. What about Raven? Dr. Leesto: She can ride with us <winks at Callisto>. We think she's kinda cute.

<every one nodds, happy in agreement>

Xena: Great lets go.

<the ensamble moves to the living room where Bat is sitting on the couch, looking dejected and eating pizza>

Raven: We're going to a party- wanna go?

Xena: She *can't* go- she's got work to do.

Bat: <to Raven> I didn't think you were the party type?

Raven: Why not? I'm going to be dead soon, might as well live it up. Bat: I'm really sorry about that...

Raven: It's okay, besides I've been hearing great things about the folks from the other stories. This is at Widgie's house right?

Dr. Leesto and Callisto: <pulling Raven> Yes, come on we'll take Cal's car.

<Xena sits down next to Bat- right next to Bat- thighs touching, next to Bat>

Bat: <noting her proximity> What do you want?

Xena: Ah, can I borrow your car?

Bat: NO!

<Xena leans in as Gabrielle sits down on the other side of Bat>

Gabrielle: Please...

Bat: no- Besides what about Argo?

Xena: The dog?

Bat: No, the horse.

Gabrielle: Jan and Mel are taking the horse, we'll take Daphne in your car.

Bat: I said no.

Xena: <softly in Bat's ear> Maybe we'll hang out for awhile when we bring it back...

Bat: Here you go <hands Xena the keys> gas tank's full, cd and cd player already in there- have a nice time.

Moments later Bat sits in an empty house studying the dog sitting at her feet.

Bat: Okay Idgie, want some pizza?

Idgie: Sure mom, and thanks for not calling me Argo.

Bat: No problem amigo. What say you we get back to work?

Idgie: Whoof.


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