(From the Belfry)
by Bat Morda
1997 Jun 08

Author's Comments:
Aug 08 2000

"Sometimes the voices in your head get jealous of each other..."

SUNDAY MORNING EXTERIOR: BURBANK Xena and Gabrielle ride up on Argo. After smooth dismounts they approach the front porch, then notice Bat approaching from the backyard.

GABRIELLE: You're outside?!

XENA: In daylight?!

BAT: Oh, please. I told you that vampire thing is a rumor. And yes, I do manage to tear myself away from the computer once in a while.

XENA: <trying subtly on someone hopelessly dense so it doesn't work> And...

BAT: And what?

XENA: Any new hobbies you'd like to share with us?

BAT: Since when do you like to share?

XENA: Since it doesn't involve me.

GABRIELLE: Xena, I don't see the point. It isn't as if Bat and I are similar in any meaningful way. So, even if it is true, I don't see how that applies to me.

BAT: Come inside guys, I think I'd better sit down for this.

XENA: <entering the house> Great Zues! What happened to the screen door.

BAT: Idgie.

GABRIELLE: <trying to bend the metal mesh with her hands> With her teeth?

BAT: And claws and a blow torch I suspect she's hidden somewhere. So what's up?

GABRIELLE: Xena says you've become a sidekick.

XENA: Not just 'become' Gabrielle, *desperate* to become. As in she was really happy about it. Right? <looks to Bat for conformation>

BAT: <puffing up with pride> You're looking at a WordWarior in training. That'd be me. Joanna's faithful sidekick forged in the heat of humor. Battling for the greater gaffaw. Traveling a land in need that cried out for some comic relief and tossing yucks where we see fit. Oh, and there is a chorus, did I mention the chorus?

XENA: <looking around> Where are they?

BAT: They live with Joanna- I haven't been authorized to write CHORUS parts yet. But I'm working on it. So why the interest? <eyes Gabrielle suspiciously> You wern't planning to dump Xena for Joanna were you? Just because they both do cool dilects is no reason...

XENA: She in the *I resent being a sidekick* mode and couldn't figure out why any one else would want to do it.

BAT: <to the Gabster> You're kidding? Wern't you the one who said it was good work if you can get *it*. And from what I've been reading, you've been getting *it* constantly. You make a dashing pirate, by the way. Besides, this is a great opportunity even without those perks. <Xena and Gabrielle arch eyebrows knowingly> Look guys, she's straight and I'm married. Get your minds outta the gutter. This is strictly a Ultra Bard, Ultra Bard wanna-be relationship. Lets not start any rumors.

XENA: Speaking of rumors, I've been hearing kitchen talk lately, and I'm not happy about it.

BAT: Oh, that. Debby apologized for that too. Janice told her I think. I don't see the big deal? What's wrong with cleaning the kitchen? As I recall, you were only too happy to do it at the time?

XENA: But that was different then. I was embarrassed about walking in on...


XENA: Anyway when I asked what I could do to make it up to her, CLEAN THE GODDAMNED KITCHEN YOU FURKING VOYEUR was not what I expected to come out of her mouth.

BAT: I've mentioned red heads and tempers before. No? Still, I know I promised not to tell anyone, but when Janice came over for dinner she was just so impressed with it and tried to give me the credit. What was I supposed to do?

GABRIELLE: I think Xena finds this embarrassing. Like she's to important to do the selfless sidekick tasks that I do EVERY FURKING DAY.

XENA: I don't mean it like that. But giving bards pep talks is one thing. Cleaning services are another.

BAT: so try knocking for a change.

XENA: I didn't expect the bedroom door to be open.

BAT: We're the only ones who live here. Well aside from you guys it seems.

GABRIELLE: Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way. Go on Xena, ask her what's really on your mind.

BAT: What?

XENA: It's nothing.


XENA: I said it's--

GABRIELLE: Xena thinks you like Janice Covington more than her.

BAT: <looking at Xena- shocked> You're kidding?

XENA: Well do you? I mean she saw you naked.

BAT: So did you as I recall...

XENA: That was different- and I hardly looked. But you're dodging the question.

BAT: Xena, I adore you both. I thought you knew that? While it's true I might relate to Janice more than you-- it's because you're out of my league. You're just so perfect, in spite of your past. I don't feel as inadequate around Janice.

GABRIELLE: I don't think Janice will be too happy to hear that.

BAT: She'll survive. What makes you think that anyway?

XENA: When was the last time you wrote something without *them* in it.

BAT: <without missing a beat> What If and before that The Binds That Tie.

GABRIELLE: I think the Silver Lath thing is bugging her. Dig wasn't really *our* story.

BAT: Sure it was. That was the tear jerking part people responded to. The only thing that really got people going on that story, besides you guys was Mel in a tux. Lets face it Xena- Mel looks just like you. Wait a minute <bat runs into the bedroom and emerges with a sharpshooting medal from summer camp> Xena, since I can't very well give you a virtual Silver Lath, and since the story was already dedicated to Ms. Bat, I want you to have this- as a personal thank you from me for having been so good to me. If it wern't for you- none of this other stuff would have happened.

XENA: <taking the medal> Er... do you really mean that?

BAT: Of course I do and I promise no more talk of kitchens as long as you don't talk about why you were in one. Deal?

XENA: Deal. Okay, well Gabrielle and I've got to go. We've got Bard appointments... I told Janice she'd better come by later and help with the yard work. Maybe she can help you clean the garage.

BAT: We'll see. Oh- I trust you got Debby's profuse apology about the mispelling of your name Xena.

XENA: Yeah, we're heading over there later.

BAT: So do you think you guys can make it to the Bat-B-Q?

GABRIELLE: We'll try, but in the Xenaverse- you never know.

Bat watches them head off on Argo into the hazy Burbank morning light.

BAT: And to think I never had imaginary friends as a child. Humm... I think a chorus might be found somewhere in there.

We fade out as she sits down to write...

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