by Bat Morda
1997 Mar 16

Author's Comments:
Aug 08 2000

"If you find the voices in your head developing personalities maybe you should seek professional help."

Two women sleep soundly in an antique Victorian bed until one is woken by the sound of a television coming from the living room. Bat wakes and after fumbling for her glasses, looks at the alarm clock. It reads 2:15 am. Making sure that Mrs. Bat still sleeps, she quietly gets out of bed, silently steps over Idgie, and goes to investigate.

Stepping into the living room she notices four women in front of the television. A raven haired warrior sits on the end of the couch, her strawberry blond companion reclining, head resting in the warrior's lap. On the floor in front of the couch, an identical strawberry blond absently strokes her companion's raven tresses as she relaxes; her head in the archeologist's lap. Bat stands silently for a moment observing the foursome. The video rewinds, obscuring the picture.

JANICE: <to Xena> Come on Xena, we've seen Scully get that tattoo six times.

XENA: So, I like her expressions... Last time, I promise.

The picture sharpens as Agent Scully gets a tattoo.

JANICE: But why is she getting a tattoo of the Millennium logo?

XENA: Beats me, a chakram would be much nicer.

BAT: Excuse me, but what are you guys doing here?

XENA: Bout time you woke up. I swear you sleep like Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE: <mumbles from Xena's lap> I heard that.

JANICE: Xena and I are worried about the new story.

BAT: <crestfallen> And Gabrielle and Mel?

XENA: They just wanted to visit. They think you'll work everything out on your own.

JANICE: But we know better.

XENA: Look, we'll discuss it when this episode is over. <Nudges Gabrielle> Can Bat sit under your legs?

GABRIELLE: Sure, <she moves letting Bat sit down on the couch>

XENA: Who is the voice of that tattoo? She sounds sexy.

BAT: Jodie Foster.

JANICE: Can we meet her?

BAT: She's not scheduled to show up in your story if that's what you mean.

Mel: <waking up> Glad to hear it. I'm concerned about the number of good looking women in chapter one as it is.

XENA: <arches eyebrow>

BAT: <explaining to Xena> The students in Janice's class, well some are Saddle Hornies making cameo appearances.

XENA: Oh, tired of that cheesy naming convention you used in the last one?

BAT: Cute and cheesy are not the same thing.

A big strawberry blond dog comes strolling out of the bedroom.


BAT: No, Idgie. She only plays Argo in fan fiction.

GABRIELLE: Do you guys mind...

MEL: We're trying to watch the X-Files...

Xena grins at her bard, Janice smiles lovingly at her heiress and Bat rolls her eyes as the episode continues. Just at the end credits roll, the front door opens and two more women enter. One is statuesque with dark hair and to no ones surprise, her companion has strawberry blond hair and killer abs.

XENA: Who are they?

BAT: Um... Well Xena meet Xero, Xero meet Xena. Xero is related to you and Mel. She's a descendent living in the year...

XERO: 2042

MEL: Well I'll be.

BAT: <introducing Xero's companion> And this is Rielle.

RIELLE: The woman who sweeps Xero off her feet. Although that hasn't happened yet.

XERO: I thought I got to sweep you off your feet? <Both women look expectantly to Bat>

BAT: <fidgeting> Well, I haven't decided. As of right now no one is sweeping anyone anywhere...

XENA: Bat, we need to talk.

XERO: Bat? No, that's Shawn. My room mate.

XENA: <arches eyebrow at furiously blushing Bat>

BAT: Well everyone else was in the damn thing. Besides Xero and Rielle don't come in until the epilogue.

JANICE: Which is what worries us. So far we've got a start on chapter 1, an idea for the climax and the beginnings of the epilogue.

XENA: In other words, we're worried that it's going to suck.

BAT: I admit I've got to work out some ideas but... Suck, that bad huh?

MRS. BAT <entering from the bedroom> Do you people mind, some of us have to go to work in the morning <glaring at Bat> and one of us has a job that requires us to think.

BAT: Everyone this is...

MEL: Professor Rainey the Geologist

JANICE: No, Professor Cyrene the Irish Archeologist.

BAT: Well you're both right. She is included twice so Mrs. Bat #2 could make an appearance as...

Front door opens and Trillbaby enters

TRILLBABY: Hi ya'll.

MEL & JANICE: Linda the flirtatious assistant?

BAT: <shaking head sadly> Okay I admit it, I've gone off the deep end.

MRS. BAT: I've been telling you to write something different.

XENA: Yeah, how 'bout a family story with no sex. Something suitable for Jr. High school kids...

She's cut off as Gabrielle, Mel, Janice, Xero and Rielle all pick up pillows and throw them at Xena.

BAT: Which is the response I'll be expecting from Saddlehorn if I try a stunt like that.

MRS. BAT: By different I meant something outside the wonderful world of Xena.

XENA: <glares menacingly> What was that?

MRS. BAT: Just a suggestion. Don't worry she wouldn't listen.

XENA: <happy> That's our Bat.

MRS. BAT: Fine for you to say. You don't have to listen to people say she's a few fries short of a happy meal behind her back.

TRILLBABY: You mean they don't say it to her face? Shoot, people will call her a tasteless offensive pervert to her face but not a few chips short of a bag? Go figure.

XENA: That reminds me, lets see the dirty pictures.

BAT: Oh for the love of Zeus. I don't have any dirty pictures.

MRS. BAT: Well there are the ones I took at Morro Bay, remember? On the sand dunes?

BAT: That's not what they're talking about. Could we please stick to the subject at hand? The Search For Amphipolis needs a plot....

GABRIELLE: I never knew Amphipolis was missing...

MEL: No, we need to find your desecrated graves.

XENA: Why bother? We're both dead.

XERO: Because someone else is looking for them with sinister ideas of their own?

XENA: Like Narcolepsy?

BAT: I think the word you want is NECROPHILIA and no, that won't be in the story.

XENA: I hold up well dead. Why in *The Quest* I was as fresh as a d...

BAT: Saw it, I know. And I'm sure your corpse is lovely.

GABRIELLE: <looking around the living room> I don't see Callisto or Leesto, will they be in it?

XENA: You were asleep, we sent them out for pizza.

BAT: Xero, I like your idea, it might work.

GABRIELLE: What is taking Ephiny, or rather her descendants so long? She should be here.

BAT: I don't have a name for her character.

MRS. BAT: Oh, I like Euphony, she's cute.


A loud pounding sounds at the door.

MRS. BAT: <to Bat> When the cops arrive- you get to explain the noise.

The door opens revealing another Gabrielle, this one in leather and a bad mood.

XENA: Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE: WP: That's Warrior Princess to you.

XENA: <looks at Bat, waiting for an explanation>

BAT: Um... Destroyer of Nations. The story I'd be working on if your descendants weren't so bloody popular.

GABRIELLE: I'm a warrior?

BAT: No, THE Warrior. Joke by Hermes, haven't had much of a chance to flush out the details.

XENA: How awful.

BAT: I don't think bard Xena will share your opinion, but we shall see.

GABRIELLE:WP: <taking out her sword and advancing on Janice and Mel> Is this the reason I'm on the back burner?

XENA: <stands taking out her sword>


Both women pause, then reluctantly sheath weapons but continue to glare at each other.

Door opens again, this time revealing two irritating blonds carrying boxes of pizza.

CALLISTO: We got Little Caesar Pizza Xena, just for you!

BAT: Be nice!

LEESTO: You know, a bunch of really angry people are gathering on your front lawn. They've got odd looking weapons.

BAT: <looks out the blinds> Oh hell!

MRS. BAT: Who is it?

BAT: The cast of the Affection Factor.

MRS. BAT: I TOLD you this would happen!

XENA: Who? <She peers out the blinds>

TRILLBABY: Bat's DS9 novel. 4/5ths completed and been that way for over a year.

XENA: That spotted woman! I'm going to have a word with her.

BAT: <shakes head> I'm going back to bed. First aid kit is in the bathroom.


Alarm goes off at 5am. Bat wakes and stumbles to the shower. As she washes her hair she ponders her odd dream, vowing never again to eat sweet and pungent chicken so close to bed time. She makes her way to the kitchen to make Mrs. Bat's coffee and pauses as she sees the kitchen table. Six empty pizza boxes are stacked on the table. Bat blinks once, twice, but the boxes are still there. A strong hand touches her shoulder. Startled she spins and comes face to face with a bronze breastplate.

BAT: You guys are really here?

XENA: Of course we're really here. What? You think we're just figments of your imagination? This ain't the movie Labyrinth or Willow ya know.

BAT: <arches an eyebrow> <two can play at that game ya' know>

XENA: What? So we stayed up and watched movies. Gabrielle and I folded out the couch. Mel and Janice took over your other bedroom and since Xero and Rielle are collage students, they seemed quite accustomed to the floor.

BAT: What about the other Gabrielle, Callisto and Leesto?

XENA: <shrugs> Callisto took Janice's truck and said they were all going to a place called Girl Bar.

BAT: And we've not heard from the cops yet?

XENA: <shakes head> See, nothing to worry about. Look you just go to work, work on the story at lunch and don't worry about a thing. I'm sure it will be fine.

BAT: I dunno...

XENA: You've never worried about falling flat on your face before, don't start now. Give it your best shot, if it sucks, then move on. <Noticing Bat's coffee preparations> You don't drink caffeine, what are you doing?

BAT: Making Mrs. Bat's coffee. Coffee is served with the paper- every morning.

XENA: <Puzzled> Why?

BAT: So when you guys drop in at 2:15 I don't get yelled at.

XENA: And that works for you?

BAT: <in best Markessa voice> Every time.

XENA: Maybe I should try it.

BAT: I wouldn't unless you're prepared to do it EVERY morning. Apparently it's quite habit forming.

XENA: Yeah, well I'll think about it. Anyway- Gabrielle and I are going to hang out here today. I've got 18 episodes of the X-Files to catch up on. Take it easy and I'll check in from time to time to see how you're doing. Just to help out- I picked out this. <Hands Bat a package>

BAT: <Unwraps package> Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade- Xena how sweet thank you. <Hugs Xena as the warrior rolls her eyes>

XENA: It was Gabrielle's idea. Said it'd help with the ideas.

BAT: Thanks Xena.

XENA: Any time.

INTERIOR BEDROOM Bat brings Mrs. Bat her morning coffee and paper.

MRS. BAT: They still here?

BAT: Well... Um... Yeah, some of them. But it could be worse.

MRS. BAT: <arches eyebrow> <really it's quite useful when you get the hang of it>

BAT: If I was as obsessed with X-Files or Millennium we'd have serial killers and aliens hanging out in our living room.

MRS. BAT: I suppose.

BAT: Besides, four stories done now and still no Joxer.

MRS. BAT: You keep that up and I'll put up with just about anything.

The End

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