PLEASE NOTE: This script has been formatted for optimum viewing at a screen setting of 800x600.



by Joanna

1997 Aug 21



The audience is filled with scantily clad women. Applause rings out and Ephiny enters, smiling.

EPHINY Hi! And welcome to "Absolutely Amazon." We've got a great show for you today. Thanks to Hades, Lord of the Underworld, we've got a direct feed to Queen Melosa in the Elysiacam segment. Hades -- we owe ya, big guy. (pause for applause) Today's cooking segment is "bread and cheese, it's not just a trail snack any more." (smiles at the 'oohs' & 'ahs') But first, our special guest, the Warrior Princess herself -- Xena! And accompanying her, our on again/off again queen, Gabrielle!

The audience erupts in wild applause except for a lava-covered tornado in the corner. Xena and Gabrielle enter and take a seat.

XENA When you sent us such an urgent message, Ephiny, we assumed there was some sort of trouble-- EPHINY (sotto voce) This is trouble, Xena. Solari canceled at the last minute because she was gored by a stag and hates to bleed publicly. I didn't know where to turn. (normal voice) Welcome, Xena! Gabrielle! Hope all is well with you two crazy kids. Fought any good villains lately? GABRIELLE Well, it's strange, Ephiny. During the summer, nothing new ever happens, we just relive old battles. It's like a gigantic season of deja vu. Weird, huh? XENA Enough to drive ya nuts. EPHINY Sorry to hear that. But surely you have some exciting adventure to share. XENA Nope. GABRIELLE Can't think of one. XENA Been pretty dull. GABRIELLE Same old, same old.

Ephiny checks her watch, panicking at the amount of time still left in the show.

EPHINY Um... So... Xena. Being dead. What's that like anyway? XENA Isn't Melosa on today's show? She'd be better at that question than me. I just hung out on a cross for a couple of minutes, had some video bubbles float by then inhabited the body of a thief. Not much to tell. EPHINY Oooo-kay. Gabrielle -- being queen. How do you like it so far? GABRIELLE Well... er... You've actually been queen much longer than I have. I just held up a mask, ordered my best friend's body burned then ran off with her casket. Not an auspicious reign, really. EPHINY (desperate) Perhaps you can give us some thoughts on what being an amazon means to you. XENA I'm not an amazon. GABRIELLE I'm adopted. EPHINY (giving up) We'll be right back after this short break. DIRECTOR (V.O.) ...And we're out. EPHINY (sarcastically) Thanks buckets, gals. GABRIELLE Can we stay for that bread and cheese thing, Xena? Please? XENA All right. I sorta want to see the Elysiacam anyway. It's fun playing name that dead guy while looking at the crowd in the background. GABRIELLE Cool! Maybe we can see every man I've ever looked twice at. XENA Slut. GABRIELLE Oh, like you don't have a bunch of suitors down there. XENA Not very many in the Elysian Fields, actually. DIRECTOR ...5, 4, 3, 2... EPHINY Hi, and welcome back to Absolutely Amazon! Let's check in on the Elysiacam and give a warm Amazon greeting for the late Queen Melosa!

Calls of "koo koo" can be heard in the audience as well as "olay, olay oh la!" The big screen is fuzzy at first, then we see chaos.

EPHINY (cont'd) Great. What's up in the Fields? XENA Looks like someone stole Hades' helmet again. That god can't hold onto the dang thing for five minutes. See what I mean? Same old adventures, over and over again. At least it explains that damn Marcus ghost we saw in the woods earlier. (brightening) Oooh, look! Philaphestes! We used to be quite an item until I had to kill him. (waving at the screen) Hey! Phil! Hey! PHILAPHESTES (ON SCREEN) Xena? That you? XENA How the hades are ya? PHILAPHESTES I'm great! Dead, but great!

Phil is suddenly beheaded by a rogue and we see a tight shot of his head.

PHILAPHESTES (cont'd) Rats. This is inconvenient. Talk to you later, Xena, I gotta find me some superglue... XENA Seeya in a few. EPHINY Has anyone found Melosa?

Ephiny is shouting at the screen. Gabrielle is eating the bread and cheese display and Xena is blowing kisses at most of the men and women from Tartarus. Hades jumps in front of the Elysiacam.

HADES Everything's under control. No need to worry. Um... Xena? Feel like taking a swim? XENA (sighing) All right. C'mon, Gabrielle. GABRIELLE (her mouth full) jussa sec... XENA Be great to see the old gang again. EPHINY We still have 20 minutes left to go. Er... make that 20 candle bits or something like that. XENA Wing it. You'll do fine. HADES Xena! Now!! XENA (grumbling to herself) Call a guy a god and he gets so demanding.

Xena grabs Gabrielle by her bilious green sports bra and they exit. Ephiny stands alone on stage for a second then sits down in a chair.

EPHINY And now our surprise guest -- me! In 'love: centaur style!' So, Ephiny, I hear you married a centaur. That's right, Ephiny, I did. But he died. You're really opening some wounds here. Oh, I'm sorry, Ephiny, but as a journalist, it's my job to dig. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you...


the end