INT. AMAZON HUT - DAY
A naked body double for Gabrielle is getting whupped by an Amazon with a weed wacker (though it's not plugged in, so it really doesn't hurt). The music is eerie and the whupping Amazon wears a Halloween mask of Kathie Lee Gifford (ooh, scary!).
EXT. AMAZON VILLAGE - DAY
Ephiny sips from a bottled water as Joxer tries to dispel his image from several mindless comedies by frowning a lot.
Joxer, in an attempt to wow the critics, frowns even more.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOUNTAINTOP - DAY
Xena is wailing, dressed in a blanket. Soap chips doubling as snow fall all around her.
Suddenly, Ares appears next to her.
CUT TO:
INT. AMAZON HUT - DAY
Gabrielle, now dressed in a kevlar toga, is having tea with Callisto.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
EXT. AMAZON VILLAGE - DAY
There is the sound of hoofbeats and Xena pounds up on Argo, whipping her.
Xena leaps off the horse as the Amazons line up to attack. Argo stalks off, talking on a cel phone. Xena spins in the air, missing all the Amazons who conveniently stood in such a way that one Xena spin would land her in a strategic position. Ephiny grabs her.
Xena pulls out a sheet of typing paper and gives Ephiny a really nasty paper cut. Ephiny falls to the ground screaming. Suddenly, Joxer runs out of the hut carrying Gabrielle.
He hands her a Certs.
Xena grabs a whip, and gets Gabrielle around the legs while the bard tries to extricate her toga from Joxer's plate thingy. Jumping on a stunt horse, Xena ties off the ropey whip and starts galloping, dragging Gabrielle behind her.
Xena glances back, watching as Gabrielle is dragged through broken glass, then lava then a nuclear testing ground.
They arrive at a cliff and Xena picks up Gabrielle, holding her over her head.
Xena hands her a Tums. Gabrielle kicks Xena. They fall to the ground then square off.
Enraged, both women attack each other and fall off the cliff into a waterfall. It's a strange, enchanted waterfall which instantly tears the clothes off anyone who swims there (a favorite swimming hole of Xenastaff).
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DELUSIA - DAY
A naked Xena (gosh, never seen that before, huh?) goes downstream.
Xena, sputtering, raises her head above water.
Callisto pulls Xena out of the water. Xena, still naked, lies unconscious. Callisto bends down and licks her face like a puppy, waking her.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
EXT. DELUSIA - DAY
Xena stands in front of Callisto, who just had her hair cut by Vidalis. Callisto manages to find a funky dress for Xena during the following stanza:
ENTER the Poteidaian Chorus.
The Chorus gets very embarrassed because they realize they didn't rhyme, even though it was an easy one.
Realizing that she just rhymed, Xena claps her hands over her mouth. Callisto is looking rather bored, waiting for her big number. The Greek Chorus slumps over to the corner, the Land of Delusia having stolen their fantastic rhyming ability (not a word out of you readers, hear me? Pretend they were fantastic, okay?).
Music swells and Callisto leaps up, all cheerful again. She dances around as under:
An actress from the L.A. production of "Ragtime" stands in the corner, ready to sing, coordinating with Callisto who lip synchs the lyrics as under:
A goldfish looks at Xena and sings:
Callisto pulls out a deck of cards and starts whipping them at the large square portal.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL:
Callisto is gyrating in Xena's lap, nuzzling her neck while the various flunkies do Xena's nails, give her a massage etc. On the magic square, the Jack, Queen, seven and deuce look on, waiting for their cue. The goldfish taps its fin impatiently, while a velvet painting of Elvis looks on soulfully and a pink lawn flamingo next to Xena's chair, sighs.
The music starts up and the playing card chorus starts to sing.
The pink flamingo jumps in Xena's lap, knocking Callisto off.
The Chorus grumpily stalks off.
The music winds down to nothing.
Xena holds up a lasso.
Xena types out "Kill Gabrielle" and the Square sucks her inside.
CUT TO:
EXT. DELUSIA - DAY
Gabrielle is floating nude down a river.
Hanging from a tree, with a noose around his neck, is Joxer. Naturally, he's dead. So the Chorus jumps in the water and pulls Gabrielle out.
She starts picking bits of old velcro off her skin as she walks around. Suddenly she spies the Chorus and runs to hide.
The Chorus strips, lending Gabrielle their clothes.
They pick tufts of grass to cover their unmentionables.
CUT TO:
INT. DINING HALL - DAY
Men dressed as warriors crowd around eating mutton, turkey legs, sides of beef, etc. Xena enters. During the following song, Xena passes through the warriors who are shoving photos at her for her to sign, looking up websites, displaying their magazine collections, etc.
Xena makes it to the front of the room where Ares sits on a throne, dressed like the King in a deck of cards. The warriors are all holding up large cuts of meat that they hide behind peeking out when they do their "Xena!" whisper
He leaves his throne, and starts leading Xena around the sumptuous feast.
He hands her a shield.
Ares cuts off Xena's clothes.
Ares puts a muumuu on Xena while the warriors hold up a cooked, wild boar with an apple in it's mouth and pass it around while they all take bites out of it.
Xena takes a bite out of the boar, loving it. Ares holds a basket of French bread.
Xena is thrilled with the feast, her shield piled high with meat, with a huge helping of boar.
CUT TO:
EXT. DELUSIAN POTEIDAIA - DAY
Gabrielle enters the town, looking around in awe, recognizing landmarks. The Chorus follows her, still looking very depressed.
A group of Poteidaian women turn their backs on the Chorus, their arms around a bunch of handsome young bucks.
The Chorus slinks away to an unobtrusive corner while Gabrielle is smilingly greeted by a variety of entertainment reporters in costume.
The music swells, flower petals rain down on Gabrielle and the village erupts in song.
The Chorus is watching as their wives make out with the studs.
Gabrielle spots Lila coming toward her.
Lila and Gabrielle hug. Gabrielle's stomach growls.
Lila leads her to a table filled with fruit and vegetables. There's no meat in sight. Picking up a huge bowl of fresh peas, Lila waves it under Gabrielle's nose as everyone sings:
CUT TO:
INT. DINING HALL - DAY
Xena and Ares are gnawing on a haunch of boar as they're pulled in a chariot.
CUT TO:
EXT. DELUSIAN POTEIDAIA - DAY
Gabrielle is riding in a cart full of peas, with Lila right beside her.
SLAM CUTS:
There are a series of slam cuts between the Warriors and Villagers. Xena walks through a gauntlet of warriors with Ares looking on. She carries a huge haunch of boar meat, her expression deadly, while warriors cross and raise chunks of boar in front of her.
Gabrielle walks through a gauntlet of villagers, carrying a gigantic bowl of peas, her expression intense while villagers cross and raise bowls of peas in front of her.
Everyone sings as the two women walk through the gauntlets, up some stairs and to a door. They each reach for the handle at the same time.
Really fast cuts now.
The doors open from both sides and Xena and Gabrielle stand in front of each other. They wait for a moment, Xena holding her haunch of meat, Gabrielle with her bowl of peas.
They stand there for a second, not quite sure what to do. The chorus sidles up to Gabrielle and whispers in her ear.
Ares slithers up to Xena.
Finally, with nothing else to do, Gabrielle shoves a pea up Xena's nose. Snorting to dislodge it, Xena puts her finger over her other nostril, and blows the pea at Gabrielle, beaning her on the head. Gabrielle falls over dead.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
INT. DINING HALL - DAY
Xena kneels beside Gabrielle's dead body, the fatal pea stuck to her forehead. The Chorus enters, holds Gabrielle's finger in a candle to see if she screams and when she remains silent, shake their collective heads.
The Chorus runs over to the buffet to chow down. Ares slithers up to Xena and begins to play patty-cake with her as under:
Ares pulls Xena to her feet and begins to dance with her, though it's closer to making out than dancing. Naturally, Xena is into it cuz let's face it -- Ares is HOT.
Ares glances at Gabrielle, then returns to dancing with Xena.
Xena notices Gabrielle's dead body and breaks away from Ares, who immediately begins taking a cold shower. ENTER Callisto.
Ares and Callisto leave together and Xena is left alone with Gabrielle's corpse.
Gabrielle enters from behind and looks stunned at Xena holding her dead body.
The warriors and villagers disappear as well as the dead body. Xena stands up looking like a little kid who got caught shooting peas out of her nose.
Suddenly the square portal opens up.
The portal sucks them in and we:
CUT TO:
INT. DELUSIAN TOWER - DAY
They're inside a stark tower. Gabrielle is wearing a pair of Texas-style snakeskin boots across her chest.
Gabrielle just stares at her.
Gabrielle runs off to find her stunt voice while Xena leans against a column ready to warble her heart out.
Happily, Gabrielle has raided the Les Miz cast and found Eponine. She sticks her behind a column and gets ready to lipsynch.
Suddenly, the square portal appears and Dahok's fire reaches out, grabbing Gabrielle.
Xena leaps to Gabrielle's rescue but can't hold on. She grabs the fire 'arms' and is pulled in after Gabrielle as we
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
INT. DAHOK'S ALTAR - DAY
Gabrielle and Xena land in Dahok's temple. Gabrielle has blood on her hands. Xena grabs the edge of the altar to steady herself after zapping in, and her hands get covered in gum that someone stuck under the edge.
Xena tries to comfort Gabrielle (to fulfill the hurt/comfort formula), but ends up getting the gum in Gabrielle's hair. Trying to extricate herself, Xena gets even more stuck. Every move she makes pulls Gabrielle's hair.
Quietly, the Chorus enters and starts cutting Gabrielle's hair to free Xena and remove the gum.
From out of a sarcophagus comes a hooded figure.
Gabrielle shrugs with a smile, grabbing Xena around the waist. The Hooded Figure gets really ticked at this and, naturally, begins to sing. As he does, more hooded types are unleashed.
The other hooded types reveal themselves -- Perdicus, Ulysses, David, Marcus, and Meleager.
The music conveniently bridges while the Hooded Figure waits for Gabrielle.
Gabrielle is tied to the altar while Perdicus and David come up and flirt with her. Xena is tied to the cross while Ulysses and Marcus stand around staring at her with lovesick eyes.
Perd reaches over to kiss Gabrielle as Marcus goes for Xena.
Both men succeed and the two women look defeated in their separate tortured places. Heart-renderingly, Xena and Gabrielle, begin to sing:
Their bonds let them go and one by one, the boy-of-the-week hooded guys explode. Xena and Gabrielle embrace.
Nothing happens.
Xena waves a hand dismissively, not really paying attention to the Hooded Figure. Instead she starts to search for the portal.
Xena looks over at Gabrielle, a worried expression on her face.
Suddenly, the portal appears. A beautiful sunny landscape shows behind a waterfall. Solan stands alone in the area.
Gabrielle jumps through the water and gives Solan a high five. Xena approaches, puts her hand in and removes it as if the water was acid.
Xena looks up at the hooded figure.
Ming T'ien reveals himself, laughing maniacally.
Ming T'ien grumbles and slinks away, his big scene ruined.
Xena hesitates, then gives Gabrielle a soulful look.
Gabrielle is a human waterfall. Xena turns her attention to Solan.
Xena lies on a padded couch, Gabrielle pulls out a notebook and quill.
Gabrielle taps her wrist, indicating time's up and holds out her hand, Xena places a bunch of dinars in it. Suddenly, the waterfall allows her inside. She passes through into Gabrielle's arms.
Xena smiles at Gabrielle and goes to Solan.
They embrace. The camera pulls back and we're:
EXT. BEACH - DAY
Xena and Gabrielle pull away from their embrace and stare meaningfully at each other.
The Chorus crowds around the two women who sit in the surf.
The Chorus happily runs to the chairs, leaving Xena and Gabrielle alone. Xena examines Gabrielle's face.
Gabrielle's eyes open wide, as she watches Xena cry.
They fall back into the surf, but Xena hesitates, grabs her chakram and throws. It bounces off several rock formations then hits all the beach chairs with the Chorus in them, turning each chair away from the ocean view. Smiling, Xena catches her chakram and kisses Gabrielle as we:
FADE OUT.
THE END