PLEASE NOTE: This script has been formatted for optimum viewing at a screen setting of 800x600.



by Joanna

1997 Jun 07



Xena and Gabrielle stand outside the bard's childhood home in Poteidaia. Gabrielle looks nervous.

GABRIELLE Okay. Now, let's go over the rules one more time. XENA Not again! GABRIELLE C'mon, this is important. XENA Gabrielle, I know the rules. No fire breathing, no mentioning my many skills, no chakram demonstrations in the house, no scary warlord stuff, and absolutely no cutting off the flow of blood to anyone's brain. GABRIELLE Right. And no letting on that we're anything but best friends. XENA Uh huh, though I still don't understand that one. We do live in Greece, y'know. GABRIELLE Yeah, but I want to tell them in my own way. They're still mourning the whole Perdicus thing. XENA You over that? GABRIELLE Way. XENA No more "I sing a song of--" GABRIELLE Gak! No, and I'm so sorry I ever wrote that tripe. XENA No worries. GABRIELLE Thanks. (beat) Okay, let's go in.

Gabrielle takes a big breath and opens the front door.



Her parents, her sister Lila and half the neighbors are there. They're all beaming a welcome and a big banner says "WELCOME HOME, GABRIELLE" in large letters. Everyone cheers then they begin to speak in unison in the fine tradition of Greek choruses.

ALL I sing a song of Perdicus.
The boy I knew, the man I loved--
GABRIELLE (waving at them to stop) Thank you! Thank you very much, but I'd, uh, just as soon not be reminded right now...

Gabrielle's mom rushes forward, giving her daughter a bear hug.

MOM Aww, chimpycheeks, losing Perdycakes was so hard for you, wasn't it? XENA (sotto voce to Gabrielle) Chimpycheeks? GABRIELLE Long story. XENA Uh huh. Bet it's not in any of those scrolls of yours, either.

Gabrielle glares at Xena as her Mom's hug deepens, squeezing the breath out of the tiny bard.

GABRIELLE Mom... Mom... can't... breathe... must... escape... hug.... MOM You are way too skinny. Don't you girls ever eat?

Xena rolls her eyes and walks toward Gabrielle's father, who is vacillating between beaming at his little girl and glaring at the warrior.

XENA (to Dad) You got something to say to me? DAD Get out of town, Zina. We don't want your kind here. XENA It's Xena. DAD That's what I said. XENA I know, but I can tell you'd spell it wrong if you wrote it.

Gabrielle walks over to her father, dragging her mother who is still clinging to her.

GABRIELLE Hi, Daddy. DAD Hey, little squirrel. How's my princess? GABRIELLE I'm a queen now.

The villagers, all aligned in a neat row sing as a Greek chorus.

CHORUS She's a queen! A queen!
Not a princess but a queen!
Wherever have you been?
DAD (to chorus) I heard her. I've got ears, don't I? CHORUS He has ears! Has ears!
Very big ears that stick out of his head
like two shovels made of lead!
XENA (conversationally) Nice neighbors. DAD (ignoring Xena, to Gabrielle) So how's my little girl? GABRIELLE Great, Daddy. I've been having adventures like you wouldn't believe, been working on my bardly skills, doing a lot of traveling... DAD Have you met any nice boys? You know, it's time to start thinking about getting married again. Looks like Perdicus might actually stay dead, and you aren't getting any younger. GABRIELLE For awhile it seemed like I met a new boy every week, but they all up and died on me. So I'm sorta laying low for a bit. DAD (glaring at Xena) Did you have anything to do with that? XENA Other than praying a lot, no. CHORUS She prayed to mighty Zeus!
That the boys their lives they'd lose!
She gave them all a hex!
So that she could get some--
XENA (to chorus, menacingly) Watch it! CHORUS -- subtex... t! XENA Not all that talented at this rhyming thing, are you? CHORUS We suck! We suck!
If you want poetry you're outta luck!
MOM (to Gabrielle) C'mon, sunshine, let's get some vittles in you. We slaughtered the fatted lamb just for you, petutie pie. LILA (grumbling) Sure, every time I asked for fatted lamb it was "No, Lila, we're saving it for a special occasion!" XENA Oh, I forgot you were in this scene. Hi, Lila. LILA Hi, Xena. Are you doing it with my sister? CHORUS All ears turn to listen now!
As the warrior chooses her words!
If the answer's 'yes' Dad'll have a cow!
If it's 'no' it'll appease the nerds!
GABRIELLE The nerds? CHORUS We suck! We suck!
If you want poetry you're outta luck!
GABRIELLE Sorry. I forgot. LILA So? Xena? You gonna answer my question? XENA Define 'doing it'. (beat) In detail. GABRIELLE Okay! Change of subject. Mom, you mentioned a fatted lamb?

Mom is still clinging to Gabrielle and smiles mistily.

MOM I'll go see if it's ready.

Mom starts toward the kitchen, dragging Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE Uh... Mom? Couldja let go for a sec? MOM Do I have to? GABRIELLE It would make breathing easier. MOM Anything for you, honeybear.

Reluctantly, Mom lets go and exits. Gabrielle takes a deep breath, though her stomach still appears as though she is sucking it in to show off her abs.

DAD C'mere, sugarplum.

Gabrielle gets a hug from Dad.

CHORUS Tell him! Tell him!
Tell him about you and Xena!
Courage! Courage!
He loves you and isn't mean... ah!
DAD Tell me what, fuzzywuzzy? GABRIELLE What ever happened to the days when the chorus wasn't audible to the players? XENA Why am I even in this scene? I haven't talked for pages. LILA You and me both, babe. GABRIELLE Daddy... I have something to tell you... DAD So I gathered. What is it, candycane?

Suddenly, Gabrielle notices that the corner of the room houses a huge drawing of Perdicus, surrounded by candles, fresh fruit and various shiny objects.

GABRIELLE (indicating) What is that? DAD Our Perdicus shrine. Everyone in Poteidaia has one, only ours is the biggest. CHORUS I sing a song of Perdicus!
The boy I knew, the man I loved!
XENA So, Lila, want to see how my chakram works? LILA Cool!

Xena readies to throw her chakram.

GABRIELLE Xena, you promised! XENA (putting chakram away reluctantly) I'm bored. GABRIELLE I'm about to tell my dad that you and I are lovers and you're bored!?! XENA Did you mean to say that out loud? CHORUS She's out! She's out!
So that's what this's about!
She's gay! She's gay!
What's her Daddy gonna say?!

For long moments, Dad just stares at Gabrielle. He glances over at Xena who looks ready to slice anyone in two who'd even dare to hurt Gabrielle. Slowly, he walks over to the warrior. They stare eye to eye, sizing each other up.

DAD (suddenly grinning) Welcome to the family, Xena!

Dad hugs Xena, warmly. Gabrielle heaves a sigh of relief.

CHORUS Love is a many splendored thing!
Be it love twixt daughter and dad
or what a warrior can bring!

Gabrielle runs over and joins the hug.

DAD Lila! Take down that blasted Perdicus shrine! Thank the gods we can get rid of that eyesore. LILA Will do, Daddy. DAD (to Xena) So... I hear you have medical skills. I've always hoped my little girl might marry a healer... CHORUS She has many skills!
All good for lots of thrills!

Gabrielle glares at Xena.

XENA (innocently, pointing at chorus) They said it, not me. GABRIELLE Oh, right.

Mom enters with the fatted lamb and some fatted mint jelly.

MOM C'mon all -- supper! DAD Hey honey! Guess what? Our little girl is engaged! MOM (very excited) Who's the lucky fella? DAD Xena! MOM Oh how lovely! (getting teary-eyed) My little baby -- engaged!

Mom smothers Gabrielle in another hug.

XENA Did we say anything about being engaged? DAD (glaring) I assumed your intentions were honorable. XENA Well... yeah, they are, but I wanted to pick the right time.

Gabrielle extricates herself from Mom and stands before Xena, her eyes wide.

GABRIELLE Oh Xena! Does this mean...? XENA Yeah. Willya? GABRIELLE Oh yes!

They embrace.

CHORUS Why do birds suddenly appear?
Every time you are near?
Just like me,
they long to be,
close to you...

Lila is in the corner punching holes in the Perdicus drawing, Xena and Gabrielle continue to hug each other and Mom and Dad look on proudly.

DAD Looks like we're going to have to get another fatted lamb, dear. MOM Good thing they're on sale this week. (re: Xena and Gabrielle) Oh don't they make an adorable couple! XENA See? I told you everything would work out okay. GABRIELLE Yeah, you did. Mom, Dad, I'm sorry I doubted you. CHORUS I love a happy ending!
A family that is blending!
Xena and Gabrielle
will soon hear a wedding bell!
MOM Xena, why don't you carve?

Xena unsheathes her sword, twirls it several times, then begins slicing the lamb.

CHORUS Pass the mint jelly!
There's a rumbling in my belly!
Fatted lamb's my favorite dish!
It's yummy and delish!
XENA (to chorus) You guys are really starting to annoy me. CHORUS We're sorry, but we're starving!
Please hurry with your carving!

Xena takes a long drink from her wine then picks up a candle, about to blow fire.

GABRIELLE No! C'mon, Xena, you promised! CHORUS We're gonna die!
And that's no lie!
Unless the bard
can save our lard!
XENA (to Gabrielle) Anything for you, chimpycheeks. GABRIELLE 'Save our lard?' Maybe I shouldn't have stopped her... CHORUS We suck! We suck!
If you want poetry you're outta luck!
DAD So, Xena, tell me about your financial portfolio. And do either of you plan on being artificially inseminated? I've always wanted grandkids. MOM Xena, you aren't planning to wear leather to the wedding are you? DAD About this whole warlord thing, what's up with that? MOM Gabrielle, we simply must talk seating charts. DAD Have you bought her a ring? MOM We're going to need invitations, a caterer, flowers, rent a hall -- oh, there's so much to do! DAD Are you into sports? I've always wanted my daughter's mate to be into sports, like me. We could go to the games together. MOM I heard that the cottage two doors down is up for sale!! We could be neighbors! CHORUS (their mouths full of lamb) Uh-oh 'irls! 'ere comes' drouble! 'edder leave -- on th' double!

Off Xena and Gabrielle's pained expressions we:


the end