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1998 Feb 04
jsandsmark@gmail.com

EXT. SMALL CLEARING - NIGHT

We see two campfires, one at each end of the clearing. Xena sits sullenly at one, Gabrielle at the other. Gabrielle is roasting marshmallows but keeps burning them. She's getting very frustrated. Meanwhile, Xena has a stack of perfect s'mores next to her. The marshmallows she's roasting are crispy golden brown. From off stage we hear the Poteidaian Greek Chorus.

CHORUS (singing) Here's the story...
of a lovely warlord.
Who was killing, slashing,
burning all the time.
Her favorite god had really weird
and skinny sideburns.
Her life was lived for crime.

ANGLE ON

Gabrielle.

CHORUS (cont'd) (singing) Here's the story...
of a Poteidaian.
Who was young and never really
did fit in.
She wanted to leave
and be a great bard.
('Fore Perd got short and thin)

Intercut both sullen women.

CHORUS (cont'd) (singing) Came the one day
when the warlord met the writer.
And they knew that it was much more
than a guess.
That these two
would somehow form some subtext.
They became two buff chicks
just kicking ass.
They're kicking ass.
They're kicking ass.
They became two buff chicks
just kicking ass.

Xena looks up as if she senses something. Gabrielle glances over, then looks around, trying to figure out what's wrong.

GABRIELLE What? What is it? XENA Did you hear someone, Argo? Because if someone was speaking I didn't hear her.

Argo snorts.

GABRIELLE Argo -- tell her I wasn't talking to her so she shouldn't have heard that there was nothing to hear. CHORUS (O.S.) (singing) Here's the story...
of a giant rifting.
There were lies, deceit
and killing twixt the two.
Now the warlord and the bard
have lost their children.
This really sucks, it's true.

Again, Xena has the appearance that something is tickling her warrior instincts. Gabrielle grabs her staff.

GABRIELLE (nervous) Argo -- ask her if there's some danger I should know about. XENA You know, Argo, it's tough to locate danger when the decibel level rises with senseless chatter. CHORUS (singing) Here's the story... XENA Just shut up already! GABRIELLE I didn't say anything! XENA I'm talking to them!

Xena leaps into the bushes and hauls out the Poteidaian Chorus.

CHORUS Ow ow ow! That's my ear!
That's my nose!
Cut it out, here,
We're trying to compose! GABRIELLE What are you guys doing here? I thought you were dead! CHORUS We think it's a curse.
It's really rather scary.
Cuz in the Xenaverse,
Death is temporary! XENA Yeah? Well, when I came back from the dead I didn't spend my time bothering people who didn't want me around. CHORUS No, you worked real hard
To return to your bard.
Remember that feeling?
Or is hate more appealing? XENA You don't know anything about what I'm going through. Get out of here. GABRIELLE I love you, Xena. CHORUS (to Gabrielle) Manipulative chatter,
Won't really matter.
You're not sincere
So she won't hear. GABRIELLE I'm sincere! CHORUS If you are, you're a dope.
She made you kill Hope.
You're burying your hate.
Talking love is too late. XENA Hey, leave her alone! She's very forgiving. It's her way. Don't make fun of her for that.

Gabrielle looks at Xena surprised.

GABRIELLE You mean that, Xena? XENA I'm not talking to you. GABRIELLE (smugly) And I forgive you for that. XENA Gods, you're annoying. GABRIELLE I'm sorry, were you talking to me? You can't be talking to me because you're not talking to me, yet it seemed like you were talking to me. XENA (to chorus) Tell Gabrielle that I prefer friends who don't betray me. Who don't lie to me. Who don't say they forgive me in one breath and then sit in judgment on me for everything I've ever done in my life in the next. And who don't get my children killed! CHORUS You said it swell
Didja get it Gabrielle?
Cuz putting it in rhyme
would take a really long time. GABRIELLE Yeah? Well you can tell her that I prefer friends who know how to forgive! Who have some compassion for someone who just had to murder her own daughter! (throws away another burned marshmallow) Dang these fluffy sweet puffs anyway. Fool things never cook right. And on top of that I'm thirsty. CHORUS Grab yourself some water
While we try to rhyme 'daughter'.

Xena pops a perfect s'more into her mouth then takes a long pull on her water skin, a mocking smile on her face.

XENA So, Chorus. What made you come back to life? CHORUS This'll give ya a tickle.
It's really quite grand.
Next ep's a musical.
Figured we oughta be on hand. XENA Yeah, thank the gods I can sing. Guess Miss Abs over there is gonna have to skip that one. GABRIELLE That was just mean. CHORUS It's gonna be a humdinger.
But don't get in a whirl.
They'll use another singer.
Maybe an outta work Spice Grrl! XENA I hear they rejected "Son-killer" Spice. Maybe she'll sing for her. GABRIELLE I think you're getting into this rift thing a leeeeetle too much, Xena. How do you expect us to kiss and make up if you're going to keep saying things like that? CHORUS You're gonna snog?
You'll need a male stand-in.
Autolycus's a dog,
So we'll put our hand in! XENA I'm not kissing anybody. Well... maybe Callisto. GABRIELLE You'd kiss Callisto but not me? Oh that does it. Now the rift is total. First Lao Ma, then Callisto. All I get are pecks on the cheek or head. I give up. CHORUS Chill out, young miss,
You're getting delirious.
Two girls can only kiss
If it's not serious! GABRIELLE So when is this musical thing gonna get here? I'm tired of rifting. I'll never get a decent s'more until we make up. CHORUS Any minute!
Any day!
Who knows when,
It will play?
When it does you'll see,
The rift will be solved
44 minutes of airtime
And all sins absolved. XENA Hardly seems possible. CHORUS Nonbeliever. Cynic.
How can you doubt?
This is Xenastaff!
They'll turn it about.
Don't worry, don't fret.
Everything will be fine.
Just start in singing
And love will be thine. XENA Do we have to sing as badly as you rhyme? CHORUS Hopefully not,
But I wouldn't place bets.
If Joanna writes it,
This is as good as it gets. GABRIELLE Xena, please -- let's stop rifting without the song and dance. Let's just say we're sorry and be done with it. I'm frightened. I don't wanna have to sing. XENA Well, I'm still ticked at you. GABRIELLE You just want to showcase your singing voice. One appearance on a talk show and you get a role on Broadway. By that logic, I should have a new rap CD from being on Vibe. XENA Yeah, I hear blonde white chicks are all the rage in the rap world. CHORUS This rift is strong.
It's really quite deep.
They're arguing so long.
Makes a grown man weep!
C'mon, let's hurry.
Let's hear the Bitter Suite.
I'm starting to worry
It won't be solved neat. XENA I'm game. After all, I've done nothing wrong. It's all Gabrielle's fault. GABRIELLE Ha! My fault? You're the one who's being pigheaded! I said I loved you and it didn't even solve all our problems! CHORUS Gabrielle, buy a clue.
There's nothing you can do.
Saying you love her
Is nothing new.
She needs more.
She needs healing.
Her senses are reeling.
Your brat killed her boy
And that's one lousy feeling.
There's only one thing.
And happiness it'll bring.
You've simply got to let
This dark warrior sing! GABRIELLE Fine. We'll sing. I want Mariah Carey for my voice. Or maybe Whitney Houston. Melissa Etheridge! Tracy Chapman! Paula Cole! Barbra Streisand! XENA Yeah, like we've got that kinda budget. You'll be lucky if you get Rosie O'Donnell. GABRIELLE Great. Do I have to sing that stupid Joxer song? CHORUS It's there but breathe easy,
He sings it alone.
Yes, it's quite cheesy,
But short and on tone. GABRIELLE When this is all over, can I have one of your s'mores, Xena? XENA Well... okay. Now hand me the atomizer. I gotta do my scales. CHORUS That's great!
It's the best!
This will be fun.
And listen...
Hear that?
The music's begun...!

THE END.