INT. MATING GAME SET - DAY
The ghost of Perdicus is standing behind the host's podium. Cheesy music plays.
Wild applause from the studio audience which consists of Amazons, warlords, centaurs, and various Maori extras as well as a generous sprinkling of Xenites, both subtexters and J/Gers.
The subtexters and Amazons cheer.
The entire audience howls in laughter.
Cheesy music swells and one side of the stage is lit to reveal the candidates.
Wild applause.
The J/Gers (only a handful of the audience) scream their support as the rest boo. Joxer holds up a fish, a goofy grin on his face.
Crickets chirp as many of the audience members mumble "Huh?". The Chorus are all crowded around the third chair, smiling and waving in unison.
From the wings, Gabrielle appears, smiling and carrying her staff. She waves to the audience who cheer enthusiastically. Several Gabfans faint at seeing her dangerously developed abs in person. Perd attempts to give her a welcoming kiss, but she holds up her staff to ward him off.
Gabrielle sits on the stool, a bunch of index cards in her hands. She smiles at the audience, waves at the Amazons, sucks in her tummy for the Gabfans then gets down to business.
Xena stands up but Perd hustles over to her.
Perd races around to calm down Gabrielle.
Reluctantly, both women sit down.
Joxer, excited that he's getting his chance, falls off his stool, leaving the fish sitting alone on the chair.
Gabrielle goes melty. 3rd-season-hating Xenites boo, while 3rd-season-loving Xenites swoon.
Joxer, having crawled back onto his stool, puts the fish on his lap and puffs up his chest.
The subtexters pour bags of ice over themselves as the Amazons begin to chant.
Xena has her sword and chakram out, ready to kill all the rest of the contestants.
Xena smiles smugly.
Joxer is fiddling around trying to get his sword unstuck from the rungs of his stool. The fish flounders around, slapping him in the face with its tail, causing Joxer to fall down in a tumbled heap entwined with his stool.
The chorus is cowering behind their stool, their eyes glued to Xena who still has one hand on her chakram.
With the exception of the sulking J/Gers, who are busy composing hate mail to the author on their laptops, the audience cheers.
CUE: cheesy music.
He comes around the corner, still tangled in the stool, the fish wearing his hat.
Joxer tries to kiss Gabrielle but she holds him off with her staff.
Dejectedly, he goes off stage.
The Chorus comes around the corner, lips puckered. Gabrielle's staff is already up.
They slink offstage.
Xena comes around the corner and after feigning surprise, Gabrielle leaps into her arms, kissing her soundly.
Xena and Gabrielle aren't paying any attention as Xena is beginning to demonstrate her cure for swollen things.
Perd puckers up to blow a kiss, but it's obvious that the two women have forgotten there's an audience. With a shrug he blows a kiss to the audience and starts hauling the two entwined women off the stage.
FADE OUT.
THE END