Xena: Warrior Princess Interview on Late Night with Gelasius
as told to
Barbara Davies
DATELINE: A few days before the events portrayed in the Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episode: 'The Gauntlet'.
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[Return from commercial, audience is cheering.]
GELASIUS [turns sandglass over and the sand begins to trickle through]
All right, everybody, we're back. We're sitting here in the open-air theatre in Delphi with Xena: Warrior Princess.
[audience is still cheering]
GELASIUS
Ahhh, again, uh, Xena, thank you so much for ah, for coming on the show.
XENA
Good to be here.
GELASIUS
May I just say? That armour is stunning! Not everyone could get away with wearing it but... You certainly keep yourself very... fit! [flushes]
XENA [looks amused]
Thanks.
GELASIUS
Er... erhm! Right. [checks interview notes] It’s not often we get to talk to one of the great military leaders of the age. [XENA inclines her head and smiles] For those unfamiliar with your work, Xena, let's roll the clip of you in action. Here it comes.
[Video: XENA is on horseback at the head of her army, charging down a hill, sword drawn, and screaming her battlecry.]
[audience applauds]
GELASIUS
Great stuff! So, first off, Xena... Why 'Warrior Princess'?
XENA
Why not?
GELASIUS
Well, 'princess' implies Royalty... someone gentle and demure, and needing protection from her prince!
XENA [grimaces]
I can look after myself, thanks very much! As for Royalty... My mother owns a tavern.
[audience laughs]
GELASIUS
My point exactly. So... why that title?
XENA [shrugs]
Someone called me that once. The name kinda stuck. Hey, it could be worse!
GELASIUS
Indeed. So... [checks notes] When did you first get into being a warrior?
XENA
When I was 16. My village was being attacked by a warlord. Couldn’t let him get away with that, could I?
GELASIUS
And how did your family take to your er... new occupation?
XENA
To be honest... my mother wasn't exactly thrilled.
GELASIUS
She wanted you to help in the tavern?
XENA
Something like that.
GELASIUS
So, you worked your way up through the ranks?
XENA
Yup. Didn't take me long to get my own navy--well, it was just the one ship, really-- and not long after that, I got my own army. Dead men's shoes, of course.
GELASIUS
Of course. Have you ever had problems because of your gender? You know... a woman-giving-orders-to-men kind of thing?
XENA
Not really. My men and I have an... understanding. If they disobey me, I cut their balls off.
[audience gasps]
GELASIUS [croaks]
Really?
XENA [grins]
That or I fight them, one on one.
GELASIUS
Er... erhm... But, in single combat, you always win.
XENA
Yup. Gets a bit boring actually. I'd like a bit more of a challenge. [turns to face camera] Hey, Hercules, if you're out there. How about it, Big Boy?
GELASIUS
But he's a demigod!
XENA
So what?... Keep Greece for us mortals, I say.... Anyway, as I was saying... disobedience is not a big problem these days. My warriors respect me, and my second-in-command Darphus is as loyal as they come.
GELASIUS
So. What about the flipside, Xena? Any advantages because of your gender?
XENA [smiles]
Some. You'd be amazed how many people underestimate me simply because I'm a woman. It gives me a certain... advantage, which I’d be foolish to pass up.
GELASIUS
So you admit you use sex as a weapon?
XENA
I have been known to seal an alliance that way, Gelasius... but only if the guy (or girl) is good looking. [grins unrepentantly]
[audience laughs]
GELASIUS
Fighting battles isn't the usual occupation for a woman.
XENA [shrugs]
It gets my juices flowing.
GELASIUS
You like killing people?
XENA
If they're unreasonable, yes. All I require is provisions and quarter for my army. If they refuse to see my point of view then... [shrugs] But let me stress: I never kill women or children. Never.
GELASIUS
Commendable. And after the battle is over... what then?
XENA [teases]
Come on, Gelasius... what are you really trying to ask me? How do I deal with my battle lust?
[audience cheers]
GELASIUS [nods]
Guess I am, yes.
XENA
I get rid of it... None of your beeswax how, though!
[audience laughs]
GELASIUS
Moving on... [smiles] Xena, I hear you have a pretty neat method of interrogating your prisoners.
XENA
You do?
GELASIUS [consults notes]
'The Pinch', I believe you call it?
XENA [laughs]
Oh, that.
GELASIUS
I'm sure the audience would love to see 'the Pinch' in action.
XENA [stands up]
Sure. No problem. [looms mock-menacingly over Gelasius, fingers at the ready]
[audience whistles encouragement]
GELASIUS [raises hands defensively]
No! No!... Not me! Er... erhm... I meant we have a clip of you doing 'the Pinch'.
XENA
Well, why didn't you say so? [resumes her seat]
GELASIUS [runs finger round inside of collar then turns to assistant]
Roll the clip.
[Video: XENA is interrogating a muscular warrior in studded, brown leather. She jabs her fingers into his neck, and instantly he goes rigid, neck veins prominent, eyes bulging, nose bleeding.
XENA
I have cut off the flow of blood to your brain. You have 30 seconds to tell me...]
[audience applauds and Xena acknowledges with a smile]
GELASIUS
Very cool! [glances at notes] So, uh... Is there a Mr. Xena?
XENA
Are you kidding? I have a very short attention span.
[audience laughs]
GELASIUS
So you have no immediate plans to get married and have children?
XENA
What do I need with children? I have my work cut out looking after my men.
GELASIUS
Your army are like children?!
XENA
In many ways, yes. They don’t need diapering as often though.
[audience laughs]
GELASIUS
But seriously. You have no plans to settle down?
XENA
Why in Tartarus would I want to? Can you imagine me, married to a smelly farmer, raising his brats in some armpit of a village... Potedeia, say...?
[audience emits catcalls]
XENA [grins]
I didn't think so. No, I like to travel, and I love being in charge. [shrugs] The only way I'm leaving my army is feet first.
GELASIUS
That answers that question. [smiles and looks at notes] It must be difficult to keep your warriors from getting bored between battles.
XENA
Got that right! You just can't find a good storytelling bard when you need one, or a funny comic, come to that. [turns to face audience] If you know anyone suitable - let me know after the show, OK? [turns back to Gelasius] Mostly, my men keep themselves occupied with beer, brothels, brawls, and betting... Oh, and we have the occasional singsong.
GELASIUS [blinks]
You can sing?
XENA
For my own enjoyment, yes. I also do a great funeral dirge.
GELASIUS
Uh... [checks sandglass as last grain trickles through] Oh, I see our time has run out. We'll have to end it there, Xena, I'm afraid.
[audience make disappointed noises]
XENA [smiles]
No problem. I see Darphus is hovering about at the back there... Looks like I have to go anyway. We're starting our Parthian Province campaign in the morning.
GELASIUS
Oh. Then I hope you have a good day fighting.
XENA
Thanks. I'm sure I will.
GELASIUS
Uh, Xena: Warrior Princess, we--we can't thank you enough for coming on the show tonight. A real pleasure. You must come back soon.... Xena: Warrior Princess, everybody.
[audience cheers]
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