by
Editor
Bleu Gato
Xena: Warrior Princess is copyright MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. All original content of Xena: Warrior Princess 2.0 is copyrighted by the author and is not to be used or modified without permission. All rights reserved.
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TEASER
FADE IN:
EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST FORESTED CLIFFS LATE AFTERNOON
The cover grows sparser and scrawnier the closer to the edge one approaches and the sea can be heard in the distance, storming the land's stony bulk. Xena and Athena rest in the small depression, sheltered from the brisk wind chasing its tail thru the maze of branches. Argo does not have that luxury and instead concentrates on scarfing down greenery. Every so often, she pauses and seems to cast baleful looks at Xena, tugging at the heartstrings. Athena smirks at Xena each time it happens and Xena averts her eyes from Argo and tosses sticks and twigs at the Goddess in retribution.
Interrupting the lazy routine, Gabrielle ghosts into their company, bringing with her a sizable package of berries, roots, and nuts, the tempting mix wrapped in leaves. Both women stand in greeting and, without much ceremony, the bard simply hands the gatherings to her wife.
Thus done, Gabrielle gives Athena a quick kiss and starts to melt back into the forest to deliver more substantial fare. Athena stops her, spinning the bard around. She selects a nice, ripe berry and feeds her wife. The Goddess garnishes the gesture with a passionate kiss. This time, once released, Gabrielle is practically skipping with joy. Xena and Athena can hear her good ways into the woods, highly unusual for the silent hunter.
Athena, supremely satisfied with the effect she has on her wife, smugly
ATHENA
That's how you kiss a girl.
Xena pouts and gets a kiss on the cheek that stains her. Athena laughs and takes a seat, while Xena rubs at her skin, making it worse. Giving up, she sits down cross-legged across from the Goddess. Athena puts the impromptu green basket with goodies between them.
Without warning, Athena wets her thumb and scrubs the juice from Xena's cheek, like a mother is oft to do with a child. Thinking nothing of it, she digs into the snack while Xena remains frozen, unsure what just happened.
Seeing Xena remain immobile, the Goddess picks a nut and mischievously bounces it off Xena's forehead. That wakes up Xena immediately and she growls.
Athena, hand feeding Xena a plump berry, signaling regret
ATHENA
Truce?
Xena, swiftly grabbing and trapping Athena's hand, still near her lips, evilly
XENA
So, just how do you kiss a girl, Athena?
The expression on Athena's face is priceless, alternating between surprise and panic. It lasts until Xena bursts into laughter and gives the game away. Athena chuckles, realizing she been had.
Xena, kissing the back of Athena' hand before releasing it, charming
XENA
Forgive me?
Athena, playfully chiding
ATHENA
At least have the courtesy to wait, you snake.
XENA
I learned long ago to bet on Gabrielle; she comes through.
ATHENA
You that confident?
Xena, assured
XENA
Lao Ma is good, but she is not Gabrielle good. No one is; I faced the best and she is the only one to humble me consistently. She doesn't fight the way you and I do. By the time you realize you are in a battle with her, you already lost; sneaky bard.
Athena, agreeably
ATHENA
She does bring that and more.
Pause.
Athena, adding mysteriously
ATHENA
Secrets part company around her.
Xena, astutely judging that Athena is hiding something, shrewdly
XENA
You believe in wife above all others so what is it? Is there something that concerns her she is not aware of?
Pause.
Xena, sure now, pressing
XENA
There is.
Athena, caught, bluntly confessing
ATHENA
I am in trouble with the wife.
Xena, thrown off initially and then recovering nicely
XENA
Huh? Ah, hearing voices thing?
ATHENA
I took your advice and told her everything. It led to mutual worship.
Xena, sighing
XENA
With you two, what doesn't these days?
Athena, philosophically
ATHENA
Live the life you have, today; worry what the next day brings when it does, tomorrow.
XENA
True.
In the background, Gabrielle emerges from the forest, carrying a fresh kill on her shoulders. Her leather armor, tunic, and skin are bloody. She is about to speak to the two women absorbed in conversation when Xena beats her to it.
Xena, not noticing that they have a witness, leaning in, conspiratorially
XENA
So, what did you do?
Athena, guiltily
ATHENA
It is what I didn't. I kept something from her.
Gabrielle goes completely still, a human statue topped with a dead deer.
XENA
Gabrielle is forgiveness.
Athena, in small voice, barely audible
ATHENA
Lila's life mate is Teresia.
Xena, whistling
XENA
You are in big trouble.
Athena, visibly glad to unload the unwelcome news on someone, wearily
ATHENA
At first I was worried about telling her. Now I worry about that and me knowing without telling.
Xena, unable to hide her curiosity, eager in her chance
XENA
Athena, what happened between them?
Athena, after a slight hesitation, carefully
ATHENA
Gabrielle told me it was mutual. If I pressed her, she would tell me the truth but
Pause.
Athena, vulnerable
ATHENA
Xena, I rather not know. I rather I was Gabrielle's first and only.
In the background, tears stain Gabrielle's face. Regret? Love?
XENA
Do you wonder if I and her ?
Athena, admitting quietly
ATHENA
Yes.
Xena, putting Athena's mind at ease, honestly
XENA
I wish; not even a kiss. I firmly believe Teresia was a gift of love and not love and you are the first person she fell in love with. Athena, don't dwell on the past.
Athena, deflecting with humor, lightly
ATHENA
Family reunions will be awkward.
Xena, joking
XENA
I can sleep with Teresia if that helps things.
ATHENA
Afraid not.
XENA
Lila?
ATHENA
No.
XENA
Gabrielle?
ATHENA
Now you being an ass.
Xena, deadpan
XENA
That sentiment has come up.
Pause.
Xena, turning serious
XENA
Tell her.
Athena, stalling
ATHENA
That simple?
Xena, exasperated
XENA
With Gabrielle? Yes.
Xena sees that the message is not getting thru.
Xena, fed up, puts her foot down, angry and passionate
XENA
Athena, look: you had a spirited fight with the wife over the healing and since then run meek. You avoid any controversy and treat her like a fragile vase that will shatter into fragments with the slightest wrong touch. This is a woman who goes into the teeth of death repeatedly, a force of nature who won't anyone or anything stand between her goals, and a loving heart bearing regally under burdens that would destroy lesser mortals. Gabrielle is beyond strong; you insult her by coming to me. You might be a Goddess but you are a coward!
Pause.
XENA
And I, of all people, would know.
The sound of a small carcass hitting the ground brings Xena and Athena to their senses. They spin to face the bard, standing there for who knows how long. The streaks marking the passage of her sorrow are not encouraging.
Gabrielle, ordering sternly
GABRIELLE
Xena, meat.
Xena does not have to be told twice, glad to have something for her hands to do and an excuse to get out of the storm about to hit. She rushes to the animal and taking out a knife, starts butchering. Her head is down and eyes intent on the task, but you get the impression that she is very much involved in the scene behind her.
Gabrielle walks past Xena and approaches the rapidly shrinking Athena until they are face to face. The bard takes the Goddess' chin in her right hand and lifts it; Gabrielle and Athena are eye to eye and there is nowhere to run.
Gabrielle, very deliberate, calmly yet firmly
GABRIELLE
What she said: everything on the table.
FADE OUT:
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE OUT:
INT. VILLAGE TAVERN MIDMORNING
The layout is typical of such establishments: tables, benches, counter. What differs is the composition of occupants. In addition to the usual VILLAGERS, half the place is taken up by a WARLORD and his retinue. A dozen THUGS are spread out: few accompanied by bored-looking HARLOTS, all fronted by food and lots of mead. The WARLORD'S table is empty save for a SCOUT.
WARLORD, frustrated
WARLORD
How do you miss Xena? Are you blind?
SCOUT, insisting
SCOUT
It was the Chosen the blood armor is unique. There was another woman, too short, a horse, likely Argo, and a large, black dog, no idea there. They are lovers, she cannot be far behind.
WARLORD, thoughtfully
WARLORD
We have a problem then.
Pause.
WARLORD, taking out a few coins and tossing them to the SCOUT
WARLORD
Fetch Joxer. The only person that gets close to those two is an innocent or a fool. And we took care of the first in this village.
CUT TO:
INT. VILLAGE TAVERN LATE MORNING
Joxer is a mismatch of armor pieces, clashing in style, design and condition. Some of it is purely ornamental and the rest worn used. Over the tunic he sports a dented bronze breastplate and backplate. There is a bracer and vambrace, no greaves, leather skirt that has so many colors it hurts the eyes, decorative and mismatched upper arm armbands, and his head is topped by an open-faced bascinet. Joxer's legs are bare and he wears sandals. He simply looks ridiculous but at least he is armed.
THUGS shove Joxer around when he tries to make his way to the WARLORD'S table and he ends up being passed from one THUG to another, bouncing his way forward before falling to the ground at WARLORD'S feet. Derisive laughter and food pelt him in equal measure. He maintains his dignity and stands up, unperturbed by the treatment.
WARLORD, handing him the dagger handle first, sternly
WARLORD
Xena is coming up the coast. Finish her and your accounts are cleared and you are in.
Joxer, taking the dagger, wary
JOXER
Warrior Princess?
WARLORD, dismissively
WARLORD
Has been; get close and bury the blade I gave you.
Joxer, pompously
JOXER
Joxer the Mighty will smite the foul villain in single combat. Once I find her, it won't be long before she-monster tastes my justice!
WARLORD, not impressed
WARLORD
Great, you do that. Don't forget: wait for the right time and then end her. Remember this: if she won't, I will.
Pause.
WARLORD, to nearby THUGS
WARLORD
Throw it out.
Two beefy THUGS pick Joxer up by his arms and drag him to the entry door. Opening it, they toss him outside. The hapless Joxer rolls in the dirt for an impressive distance, shedding a path of loose equipment, before finally coming to a stop.
CUT TO:
EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST TRAIL AFTERNOON
The narrow track runs along rugged, rocky coast, coated with browned greenery. Few tenacious survivors of the bush and tree kind cling to unforgiving soil, leaving an open vista to admire, set against the blue of the sea.
It is a strange procession that crosses this terrain. Gabrielle walks side by side with Athena, followed by an enormous black sheep, and then Argo, bringing up the rear. Gabrielle wears her blood armor, Athena is in one of Gabrielle's tunics and Xena is sheep.
Xena, starting the argument again, cranky
XENA
The wool is itchy, several something is chewing on my hide, and I cannot scratch.
ATHENA
Should have thought of that before taunting the Goddess of Wisdom.
Xena, starting argumentative and then really pouring on the sugar
XENA
Technically, I was gloating. Gabrielle? Best friend? Love of my life? Please?
Gabrielle, enjoying this, grinning
GABRIELLE
Sorry, you offended a deity not wife. I suggest penance and prayer. Groveling is not out of the question.
Pause.
Gabrielle, to Athena, questioning
GABRIELLE
Love?
Athena, with a straight face
ATHENA
Prostrating and wailing are all-time favorites.
Xena, sulking, as much as a sheep can
XENA
You are both evil.
Gabrielle, cheeky
GABRIELLE
Yes, you might have mentioned it once. How right you were.
Athena, cheerfully
ATHENA
Nope, first time here.
They are interrupted by Joxer charging down the trail towards them with his sword drawn.
Xena, sarcastically
XENA
Well, some things don't change.
CUT TO:
EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST TRAIL AFTERNOON
Joxer comes to a screeching halt in front of Gabrielle and Athena. He appraises them both confidently.
Joxer, his eyes naturally settling on armed and armored Gabrielle, challenging
JOXER
You Xena?
Gabrielle, neutrally
GABRIELLE
Who's asking?
Joxer, puffing out his chest, grandly
JOXER
Joxer the Mighty!
The sheep laughs and Argo joins her, neighing; to their credit both Gabrielle and Athena hold the merriment, but it is close.
ATHENA
What's so mighty about you?
Joxer, stumped
JOXER
Well uh stuff.
GABRIELLE
Stuff?
JOXER
Mighty stuff.
Xena, mocking
XENA
Someone is lacking in trousers.
Joxer, doing a double take, baffled
JOXER
Did that sheep just talk?!
Pause.
JOXER
Did it insult my manhood?
Gabrielle, unable to help herself, mischievously
GABRIELLE
Baaaaah, that's crazy talk.
Athena, piling on
ATHENA
Everyone knows animals don't talk. But if they could
Xena, supplying helpfully
XENA
Short stuff?
GABRIELLE
I am not touching that.
Xena, quipping
XENA
No one is.
Joxer lowers his sword, defeat apparent in his gesture. The symbolism does not go unnoticed, but only Xena gives voice to it.
Xena, naughty
XENA
Don't wilt under pressure, Joxer.
Joxer looks broken and Gabrielle takes pity on him, having decided he learned his lesson about attacking strangers on the road.
Gabrielle, by way of introductions, pointing at the ornery animal
GABRIELLE
That's Xena, the fleecy beast of ire.
Joxer, examining the black sheep closely, critically
JOXER
She hardly seems dangerous. Legends have her taller, deadlier less woolly.
Athena, less than charitably
ATHENA
She got fat mouth.
Xena, offended
XENA
Uncalled for.
Gabrielle, sensibly
GABRIELLE
You are a sheep for a reason.
XENA
Oh, right.
Irritated, Xena approaches Joxer and headbutts his leg, upsetting his balance and dumping him unceremoniously on his behind. He drops his sword going down and scrambles away from the possessed animal on all fours, before jumping back to his feet.
Athena, intrigued
ATHENA
This has potential for hilarity.
Both Athena and Xena look at Gabrielle for permission. Joxer looks to her for help.
Gabrielle, humoring the two women, waving the contest on
GABRIELLE
No biting, no scratching, no eye gouging, no hooves below the belt, no hoof stomps, and no weapons.
Xena, stalking Joxer, predatory
XENA
Let's ramble.
It's fool versus sheep.
CUT TO:
EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST TRAIL AFTERNOON
There is a slow motion shot of roaring Joxer launching himself at Xena's back from behind. In response, the sheep kicks out with hind legs and connects with his metal-covered chest. The hit is brutal and right on target. Joxer is stopped right in his tracks and flies backwards.
CUT TO:
EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST TRAIL 10 SECONDS LATER/AFTERNOON
Xena is standing over Joxer, a single hoof pressed against his throat. He is on his back, and out of breath. There are two new, deep dents in his battered breastplate and a side strap has given up the ghost, the broken piece swinging forlornly.
Xena, basking in victory, pleased
XENA
I have many skills.
Athena, shaking her head, disapprovingly
ATHENA
Classic rookie mistake of confusing mounting with fighting.
GABRIELLE
I am speechless.
XENA
It does not mean what you think it means.
Gabrielle, shuddering
GABRIELLE
I rather not think about what Athena meant.
Xena, leaping away from Joxer in alarm, shouting
XENA
Change me baaaaaaaack! Change me baaaaaaaaack!
CUT TO:
EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST CAMP EVENING
In the background, Gabrielle is licking the pot clean, between adding a little water to help the process; Joxer watches, fascinated.
Xena, human again, and Athena stand facing the sea, away from camp.
Athena, going first, apologetically
ATHENA
I am sorry for transforming you.
Xena, accepting with a nod, with remorse
XENA
Suggesting that you get to know yourself well when wife kicked you out of bedroll for a night was a dirty thing to say.
Pause.
XENA
But funny then.
ATHENA
Wasn't it; the few other innuendos that followed sealed the fluffy doom.
XENA
Oh.
Pause.
Xena, scratching, annoyed
XENA
I swear, something is still dining; wrath of Goddess indeed.
ATHENA
That, you are on your own.
Xena, yelling loudly
XENA
Gabrielle!
CUT TO:
EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST CAMP LATE EVENING
Xena is in her underwraps, her exposed entirety covered in numerous red dots; she lies in her bedroll on her stomach. Gabrielle finishes the limbs and begins to spread the ointment on the main body.
Xena, shyly
XENA
Under too.
GABRIELLE
Under what?
Xena, whispering
XENA
Underwraps.
Gabrielle, unfazed by Xena's admission, to Joxer, sharply
GABRIELLE
Joxer, take a walk.
Joxer leaps to his feet and takes off in a hurry, having been caught staring.
Gabrielle, her words chasing loudly after him to avoid potential misunderstanding
GABRIELLE
Make it a long one.
Joxer quickens his steps, clearing the camp in record time.
Athena mopes restlessly on the edges of clearing; Gabrielle addresses her next.
GABRIELLE
Love, go to our bedroll and wait for me.
The Goddess dives under the covers of their bedding like her life depended on it.
Xena, purring as Gabrielle continues to apply the medicine, in bliss from sheer relief
XENA
Mmmm, things hot again?
Gabrielle, feeling rotten
GABRIELLE
They will be. I made a mistake; I became one of those horrible women in the village, denying her husband his rights.
Xena, chiding
XENA
Don't sleep with Athena because you have a duty to your wife.
GABRIELLE
I want to; I lost sight of that fact. It was not about that
Xena, with insight, gently
XENA
It rarely is. Trust?
Gabrielle, sniffling, her eyes watery
GABRIELLE
Athena hurt me by going to you for confidence; repeatedly. That belongs to us first.
XENA
Relationships are sure complicated.
Gabrielle starts undoing Xena's upper underwraps.
GABRIELLE
Good thing we have trust.
Xena, closing her eyes, relaxed
XENA
Yes.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST FOREST NIGHT
Joxer wonders the forest, tripping and mumbling curses under his breath. He nearly runs into Gabrielle, and startled, falls back.
Gabrielle, friendly
GABRIELLE
Lost?
Joxer, responding automatically and then common sense taps him on the shoulder
JOXER
Joxer the Mighty does not yes.
Gabrielle, taking him by hand and leading back to camp, curious
GABRIELLE
Why Xena?
JOXER
I have debts with the local warlord, lodgings, food, and har entertainment. His spy spotted you.
Gabrielle, not deterred
GABRIELLE
Still. Xena?
JOXER
Ancient myth and a woman; I figured bounty, fame, and respect.
Pause.
JOXER
She is very strong for a sheep.
Gabrielle, slightly embarrassed
GABRIELLE
Yeah, about that: she was cursed by the Goddess. Joxer, would you like to be a hero like us?
Joxer, proudly
JOXER
I am one! I have armor, sword, followers, and name that strikes fear: Joxer the Mighty.
Gabrielle, pouring water on the fire of his enthusiasm
GABRIELLE
Harlots don't count and you were bested by an animal.
JOXER
Warrior Princess is crafty but Joxer is
Gabrielle, cutting in, cruel on purpose
GABRIELLE
defeated in seconds by one sheep. Joxer the Joke.
Joxer stops walking without releasing Gabrielle's hand and the bard's movement is arrested. She faces him.
Joxer, upset
JOXER
Do you think that is all I am?
The moon breaks thru and lights the forest in silver. Gabrielle looks into Joxer's eyes briefly and then smiles at his soul. He blinks, confused.
GABRIELLE
You are a brave and good man
Misreading her action for advances, Joxer tries to kiss her. He fails, badly, meeting air.
GABRIELLE
and I'm taken.
Gabrielle resumes the walk, tagging him along, setting a brisk pace that ensures he is too busy trying not to fall to do anything stupid.
Joxer, dragged along and barely upright, persisting
JOXER
I can be discrete.
GABRIELLE
I like women.
JOXER
I do too.
GABRIELLE
Exclusively.
JOXER
How about Xena?
GABRIELLE
How about we work on Joxer the Hero first?
JOXER
You think I have a chance?
Abruptly, he goes down in a jumble of limbs and metal, his feet tangling on something. Or someone, for Gabrielle stays upright and unsurprised by his tumble. She stands over him, looking down.
Gabrielle, solemn
GABRIELLE
There is something you should know about me: I don't lie. Don't ask me questions you don't an answer to.
Gabrielle gives Joxer a hand and lifts him upright.
Gabrielle, forcefully
GABRIELLE
I expect the same from you.
Joxer, evading
JOXER
Joxer the Mighty Hero; it has a ring to it.
Gabrielle is a block of stone in front of him, the gaze burning him. There is nowhere to hide.
Joxer, taking out a dagger and handing it to Gabrielle, ashamed
JOXER
Barus, the local warlord
Gabrielle snatches the dagger and secures it on her person.
Gabrielle, sincere
GABRIELLE
We fight for the greater good: the Xena you were paid to assassinate died last year in Potidaea.
Pause.
Gabrielle, looping their arms together, in bard voice
GABRIELLE
The nature of life being choice, I came down to the river to wash dirty clothes and ended up purifying a yearning soul
They proceed with linked arms, Gabrielle spinning her tale of love and redemption to her rapt listener.
CUT TO:
EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST FOREST NIGHT
Xena sits by the fire in armor, guarding the camp. Athena is asleep, buried deep into the blankets. Underwraps, armor, weapons, a tunic and a pair of shoes are strewn around the double bedroll. Xena looks at the Goddess and chuckles.
XENA
Forgiveness fuels the fire.
Xena turns her head to watch Gabrielle and Joxer enter camp. They break, with Gabrielle heading straight for Xena and Joxer lagging. The bard gives her friend a goodnight hug and makes for her wife. Kicking off the boots, Gabrielle sneaks into the bedroll and some shifting, noises, and giggles later, the married couple falls asleep in their usual position.
Joxer almost walks into the fire while observing the two women. Xena saves him from fiery death by grabbing and guiding him to a seat next to her.
Joxer, wide-eyed, stammering
JOXER
They they together
XENA
Married.
Joxer digests this.
Xena, making conversation
XENA
You find what you were looking for out there?
Joxer, distracted
JOXER
What? Oh, yes and no; Gabrielle set me straight.
Pause.
Joxer, frowning
JOXER
If the warlord is there why are we here?
XENA
We wanted to hear your story and decide what to do before rushing in. Call it gut feeling, call it experience, call it what you will life is short enough without giving death extra chances.
Joxer, defensively
JOXER
I wasn't going to do it, you know. Kill you.
Xena, taking no offense, pointing out the location of the items in question
XENA
Get some rest; we left blankets out for you.
Joxer stands up.
Joxer, looking at the mess around the double bedroll, uncomfortable
JOXER
Are they ?
Xena, taking delight in torturing Joxer, smartly
XENA
In the middle of the night? At dawn? Lunch break? Scouting break? Toilet break? Snack break? Before meals? After meals? Yes, Joxer. During meals? No, thank Gods. Any other questions?
Joxer slinks away, his face burning crimson red.
CUT TO:
EXT. VILLAGE OUTSKIRTS DAWN
Xena is inspecting and adjusting the fit of Joxer's armor on Gabrielle. The only change is the mask over the face but otherwise she looks similar, at least from afar. Closer, she is more toned and bulkier than Joxer, but people see what they want. Joxer, wearing Gabrielle's leather armor and skirt over his tunic, gapes openly at the bard and gets a slap on the back of his head from Xena.
XENA
You here to watch her, not ogle.
Gabrielle examines herself, testing the range of motion.
Joxer, seeing his outfit to its full effect and the bard making it work
JOXER
That's me?
Gabrielle, not doing him any favors, going for upbeat and not quite getting there
GABRIELLE
Well, laughter IS a weapon.
CUT TO:
EXT. VILLAGE SHOPS EARLY MORNING
Two THUGS harass the MERCHANTS and CRAFTSMEN lining up the street. The THUGS strut and preen for the women, who ignore them.
Seeing the indirect approach is not working, the THUGS pick a young girl and crowd her. The street goes silent and the activity halts, but the THUGS ignore the hush, thinking nothing of it. One THUG rips the basket from her hand; the other THUG plays with her hair. Suddenly, a tomato flies out of nowhere and the real reason for the silence is revealed.
Standing at one end of the street is masked Joxer, a more muscular version of him. Gabrielle is next to the vegetable stand and armed with produce. She is certainly not shy about sharing it, firing at will.
The THUGS bellow their rage and charge. The VILALGERS come alive, jeering and laughing as the two hopeless THUGS are pelted without mercy. It appears that more people are throwing than just Gabrielle posing as Joxer, but there is no sign of anyone else.
When the two THUGS finally make it thru the gauntlet of Mother Nature's bounty, they are worse for wear and smeared with juice and pulp. With murder on their mind, both THUGS draw swords. Gabrielle/Joxer easily parries both blades with hers and starts playing with them.
CUT TO:
EXT. VILLAGE ALLEY EARLY MORNING
Xena and Joxer creep away from the fight, her happy and him ecstatic.
Joker, grabbing Xena's arm, high on success
JOXER
Did you see? Did you see?!
XENA
Fun, wasn't it?
CUT TO:
EXT. VILLAGE HOUSE MORNING
A THUG pounds on the entry door, backed by three more behind him. A kick swings it open, taking him out and crashing his unconscious body into the other THUGS. Out comes Gabrielle/Joxer, wielding two soaked and twisted towels. She viciously lays into the THUGS, offering no quarter. The improvised weapons whirl and snap, landing harsh, humiliating blows that soon prove too much. Limping, the three THUGS escape towards the forest, leaving their comrade behind.
Xena and Joxer come out of the home, cautiously eyeing the deadly tools of war in Gabrielle's hands.
Xena, eyebrow raised
XENA
I have to ask
Gabrielle grinning
GABRIELLE
The Elders did not want boys in Potidaea using fists on each other. I had a reputation I was more boy than any of them.
XENA
You scare me sometimes.
Gabrielle, tossing Xena one of the towels, daring
GABRIELLE
First to ten wins lunch by hand.
Joxer backpedals, lest he become the target by not so accidental choice.
XENA
What are the rules?
Gabrielle explodes past Xena and lands a perfect strike on Xena's rear, which elicits a howl of outrage.
Gabrielle, innocently
GABRIELLE
Point.
XENA
Cheater!
Gabrielle connects again while Xena is busy protesting.
Gabrielle, impishly
GABRIELLE
Two.
Xena growls and declares war.
CUT TO:
EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST BROOK LATE MORNING
Xena and Gabrielle, wearing tunics, are immersed up to their waists in cool, soothing water. Their upper bodies are beached on the shore, stomach down. Athena is feeding them lunch.
Athena, to Xena
ATHENA
You should be black and infested by rights.
Pause.
Athena, to Gabrielle
ATHENA
And you; you are a Chosen, not a silly village girl.
Xena, lamely
XENA
She started it.
GABRIELLE
You sore because you lost thirty seven to thirty six. Ha, sore.
XENA
Did not; first two don't count.
Athena abruptly gets up and departs, leaving the two to their argument.
GABRIELLE
Did too!
XENA
Did not!
GABRIELLE
Did too!
XENA & GABRIELLE
Athena!
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
EXT. VILLAGE TAVERN LATE AFTERNOON
Joxer, wearing Gabrielle's leather armor and studded skirt, marches down the dirt road towards the tavern. He tries to appear confident but his steps and posture suggest a man going to his execution. The VILLAGERS gather to witness.
Predictably, the tavern spills half a dozen THUGS and a SCOUT. They efficiently form a mob and, drawing swords, rush him as one. Joxer unsheathes his and ruins the effect by closing his eyes.
The massed group of THUGS and SCOUT is mere feet from tearing Joxer apart when a rope springs from the dusty ground. In the adjacent alley, Xena and Gabrielle pull the ankle-high surprise taut; the perfectly timed and coordinated moment could not be executed better.
The THUGS and SCOUT crash in a pile at Joxer's feet and he opens his eyes to find them laid out before him. He lowers his blade and the THUGS and SCOUT raise their hands in defeat. Joxer makes a motion with his head and the THUGS and SCOUT rise and flee the town, abandoning their leader. No sooner that is done when the VILLAGERS surround him, cheering and clapping him on the shoulder. He is not short on female adulation either, with many signaling interest.
Xena and Gabrielle are off to the side, letting Joxer be the hero this time.
CUT TO:
EXT. VILLAGE TAVERN LATE AFTERNOON
The door to the tavern bangs open and Barus strides out. It takes him a brief glance to figure out what happened.
Barus, screaming, enraged
BARUS
You!
VILLAGERS scatter, leaving Joxer on an island. He immediately implores Xena and Gabrielle for help and is denied with a firm shake of the head from each. It is not their fight.
Athena comes over to join her wife.
Gabrielle, shouting encouragements to Joxer
GABRIELLE
I believe in you. You can take him!
Joxer clearly does not share her faith. He and Barus meet halfway and right away it becomes evident that the warlord is mostly talk and Joxer is mostly nerves.
Barus is the first of the combatants to figure it out. He presses forward, swinging wildly, going for volume over technique in order to intimidate his opponent. Judging the initial flurry not sufficient, he places another hand on the pommel, adding power behind the fury that he hopes will see him to victory.
Joxer keeps backing up, giving up ground, but maintaining proper defense. Few small nicks show on his limbs but they are minor. Imperceptibly, he starts taking control of the fight. His guard tightens and he starts countering.
Barus, visibly tiring and breathing with mouth open, throws caution to the wind and leaves himself open as he strikes. Joxer takes the bait, pouncing on the opening like a duel-inexperienced swordsman he is. He pays for it as his left side explodes in crimson. He has enough presence of mind to retaliate and then collapses.
CUT TO:
INT. VILLAGE HOUSE SPARE BEDROOM 3 DAYS LATER/EVENING
Joxer opens his eyes slowly and the sight of Xena leaning over greets him.
Joxer, groaning
JOXER
It's you.
Xena picks him up and sets him down a little higher, leaving him propped up on the pillows.
JOXER
I'm alive? I must be.
Xena, dryly
XENA
Congratulations, you won your first duel unconscious. Try not get carted off next time.
JOXER
Barus?
Xena, not volunteering any extra information, cryptically
XENA
Dead and buried.
Joxer coughs and Xena hands him a cup of water, which he downs greedily.
Joxer, anxious and in pain
JOXER
How bad?
XENA
Month in bed. Not all of it alone; not if the local women have something to say about it.
Joxer, immediately
JOXER
Where can I find you?
XENA
We are taking a ship from Thrace to Damascus, then Silk Road overland to Chin and back.
JOXER
You need an extra sword?
Xena, indulging him, lightly
XENA
We need Joxer the Mighty. Get better.
Pause.
Xena, adding in a sterner manner
XENA
Gabrielle is your healer, I would listen to her.
Joxer, alarmed
JOXER
She changed ?!
Xena, smiling
XENA
Welcome to the people the bard has seen naked in the course of her duties. You secret or lack of it is safe with her. Word of advice: tone down the Mighty part around her if you can't live up to it or she won't stop giggling.
Joxer, mortified
JOXER
How long?
XENA
Three days. I hold the record.
Joxer, sentimental
JOXER
You are very lucky to have a friend like her.
Xena, accepting him, warmly
XENA
We, Joxer. We.
CUT TO:
EXT. THRACE DOCKS AEGEAN SEA 2 DAYS LATER/PREDAWN
Aboard an Athenian war quadrireme, Xena and Gabrielle are waiting for the sun to wake up. They are side by side, leaning on the rail. The ship flies east thru the water, the rhythmic motion of the oars propelling it away from Thrace and towards destiny.
Gabrielle, orating
GABRIELLE
Ulysses, wise son of Laertes
I can see that you wish to start home at once to your beloved land.
Do as you please and may good luck be with you.
But if you only knew how much suffering is in store for you
before you get back to your own country,
you would stay right here, to run this palace along with me,
where you would become immortal,
no matter how great desire you may have to see your wife,
of whom you are thinking all the time day after day.
Xena moves behind Gabrielle and she straightens. Xena wraps her arms around her best friend and rests her chin on top of the bard's head. They are soon joined by a third set of arms, Athena side hugging the pair and resting her cheek on Xena's shoulder. Together, the family watches the sunrise.
FADE OUT: