Because I Love Her
Written By: Caina Q. Fuller
Sometimes in life we meet people who complete us. There are many names for such people. Friend, lover, soul mate. Whatever you chose to call this person, he or she is the one that makes your life complete. They are the one whom you love, and more importantly they make you feel loved. They make you feel special, intelligent and beautiful. They make you wonder: How could I have ever made it through life without meeting this wonderful being? If I lose them, how will I continue?
I am a man who has met such a woman. No, scratch that. I am an old, wretched being who was blessed with a few moments of peace brought by this woman's presence. That's who I am. I am one in an uncountable number of creatures in the universe who was blessed to have known her for just a while. To have loved her and been loved by her for just a little while.
Let us ponder together, just for a moment, what love really is. Just so for once in my life someone try to see this issue from my point of view. Yes I'm the bad one, but just listen for a moment. Would you ask yourself what love is? I hear your first answer. You just told yourself love is a feeling. But what is a feeling? A feeling is something ethereal right? It's something felt by each individual in life but at same time it's something that cannot be touched. And who is to say that each person in life feels the same thing you do when you mention love?
So it is a concept you reply to me now. What is a concept? A concept is an idea right? So love must be an idea that you feel. No my friend, an idea cannot be felt. It can only be thought. So love is more than an intellectual concept you now say, but it is substantial only when it touches you yet it will not allow you to touch it. Unless...
There is only one time, I believe (and you're free to disagree with me on this of course) there is only one instance when one can touch love back, and that is when it is trapped in a mirror. When you look into another's eyes, as I have looked into her eyes, and see love looking back you, then have succeeded in trapping the ethereal and giving it substance. Then, and only then, can you reach out and touch this “concept”, for the one you love has become the embodiment of love. When you have touched them you have touched love.
I loved her. I felt love and I touched love, only to have had it ripped away from me by the changes she has gone through in her heart. Don't you think that I know I'm not good for her? I never was. Not even when we did love each other was I good for her. I was a poison to her. I was a plague looming over her life. It's amazing isn't it? How one such as I can feel something so tender and good, yet at the same time be such a negative force in another's life?
She found her way past that hate we'd shared. She found her way through the darkness that is still my soul, and she entered into the light. She floated for a while in the sea of its goodness and warmth, but she was always in danger of being swept back to down into the depths of the Abyss of evil where I reside on the powerful currents of her hearts wounds. Then she found an anchor made of innocence and love, which is a powerful combination.
The anchor was and continues to be a healing balm to sooth the deepest wounds ripped into her heart by my evil ways and me. The anchor is still pure of heart, good of soul and beautiful in disposition. She is the compass that points the eyes of the one I love in the right direction, which is always directly away from me and all I stand for and lust for. The anchor embodies the love that my dear one needs to survive. Not only does the former lover of my soul touch the anchor, but also the anchor has a firm hold on her heart.
Who am I you're asking? You know me well and I think you figured it out in the beginning that I am Ares, god of War. The one I love is Xena, and the anchor she loves is Gabrielle. I am the epitome of black, filthy evil with only a seed of light in my cold heart.
I would never say this to Gabrielle, but whenever I see the joy in Xena's eyes when she looks at that blond bard, I pray to whatever force is mightier than I to ensure that the one I love never loses her anchor to the light. I hope, deep inside my heart where my small amount of love resides, that Xena stays on her new path. I pray Xena keeps her eyes on the prize and finds the redemption she seeks every day of her life. I pray she finds the peace she so desperately needs. Are you shocked? Sometimes I am shocked by it myself. I am a god and I know what you are asking right now. Why would a god of War pray this kind of prayer? The answer is really quite simple. I pray it...
Because I love her.