“This is a Xena warrior princess fanfiction of the Marc Anthony episode meant to fill in some blanks. Also to give Gabrielle some drama if you will.”
“Gabrielle. I can’t be with you.” Xena said. “I know you say you love me but I can’t love you back.”
“I know Xena.” Said Gabrielle sadness in her voice. She had expected this response. But expecting and hearing were two different things. She had explained and Xena had a list of reasons why they couldn’t be together.
At least now she knew that she had tried. Put her feelings out there. She knew Xena could not relent. She also knew that she didn’t want to leave Xena.
So she decided to soothe her. It’s better than arguing she mused.
Just then she looked up and Crystal blue eyes jolted her out of her thoughts.
“I’m sorry Gabrielle but, I don’t feel that way for you, I……” Xena cut off her own words not knowing how to finish. She knew this would hurt Gabrielle. But she was afraid.
“Xena.” Gabrielle started. “I told you I am in love with you. But in doing so I expected nothing. I just needed to tell you. I could not go on agonizing and thinking on it.”
Xena was dumbfounded. She had expected an argument. A tormented conversation. But Gabrielle had expected her response. She had no retort. But still, she couldn’t take the chance of hurting Gabrielle by being with her. So although she was curious at Gabrielle’s reasoning for not pushing, she left well enough alone.
“OH . Well, I guess that’s goodnight then. We will be in Cleopatra’s palace before midday tomorrow.” Xena said softly.
“Goodnight Xena.” Gabrielle turned her back as she laid next to Xena.
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Gabrielle knew Xena had a plan. But somehow, she had not foreseen it involving watching the woman she loved feed a man grapes, with a lustful look in her eyes. A look that she had seen many times before and knew well. Though Xena tried to hide it, that many years knowing someone intimately, it’s hard to hide things from them. Although she had managed to do so. But that was only due to the fact that Xena continuously decided she had had her figured out. So, she could hide her feelings under expectancy.
“What do you think you’re doing? I was in complete control.” Xena spoke venom in her voice.
“And how far were you going to let that go Xena?” said Gabrielle turning her neck exposing a love mark.
“Until he begged for my naval.” Said Xena through gritted teeth.
“Your navy?” Gabrielle spat out with an attitude as she grabbed a strawberry.
“I know what I’m doing.” Said Xena.
“Xena what happens if he is the one that killed cleopatra?” asked Gabrielle.
“Then he’s the one I’ll kill if I have to.” Xena said staring aimlessly. “I have no real feelings for him Gabrielle, believe me.”
Just then Shiana walked up with beautiful flowers and kneeled next to Xena.
“This is from Antony.” Shiana spoke.
“Really?” Xena spoke, staring at the flowers intently.
“He invites you to meet him tomorrow night under the pyramids.”
“Tell him I’ll be there.” Xena replied.
Then Shiana looked to me as if asking permission. A simple head nod told her to go ahead.
“I have him right where I want him.” Xena said as she watched me nod. “What was that about?”
Her words made me break eye contact with Shiana. Staring into blue eyes, I stood and spoke. “Nothing you should be concerned about Xena. I have some things to attend to.”
Then I turned and left.
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“Thank you, my lady, for helping with these security plans. Now when you leave with Xena our palace will be more secure.” Shiana spoke feeling her cheeks burn.
“First, call me Gabrielle. Second, you were just as creative as I was while making these. Xena would be proud.” Gabrielle spoke.”
Just then they heard a Knock at Shiana’s door.
“Lady Shiana, Lady Gabrielle, Xena is on her way to meet Antony. I have brought the dinner that was requested.” Said the girl.
“I figured I could thank you with dinner and a hot bath for all your help.” Said Shiana.
“But Xena will want to report what she learned.” Said Gabrielle.
Just then Shiana walked up to her and looked her in the eye grabbing her hand.
“Xena, is busy. And something tells me that even if they are interrupted. She will be a while.” She said leading her to a table.
A few hours later, they were laughing after dinner, staring into one another’s eyes.
“Well, you and Xena certainly have had your adventures.” Said Shiana. “I can tell she loves you very much.”
“Yea.
“Gabrielle said shaking the thought. So, I think I was promised a bath.” Gabrielle spoke as she disrobed and entered the tub in the corner of the room. As she turned, she looked up and she saw beautiful, bronzed skin that led up to the smoothest beautiful brown eyes. “Wow what a gentleman.” Shiana smiled as she took Gabrielle’s offered hand.
As she stepped into the tub she almost slipped, and Gabrielle caught her, and they stared into each other’s eyes.
“I am sorry.” Gabrielle said.
“I had heard so many stories. Of you and Xena. I have never imagined loving someone so.” Shiana said changing the subject as she looked into those emerald eyes, barely able to breath.
“Yea, just enough to keep me safe. Not enough to make me whole.” Said Gabrielle.
Shiana got close enough to Gabrielle that she could feel her breath on her lips. And then she spoke.
“I can see that you love her as well.” Spoke Shiana. “But if I had your love. I would make it my life’s mission, to make you whole.”
Gabrielle backed away barely able to breathe. She would kill for Xena to look at her that way. But she said she couldn’t. Here was this beautiful woman who she had bonded with in the last few days offering that look freely. But wouldn’t it be wrong to take it?
Shiana saw the hesitation in her eyes and lifted her hand from the water To Gabrielle’s cheek. “I know you are in love with Xena. And for what it’s worth, although she won’t admit it, I suspect she loves you back. I am not asking for your heart. Just your time. I accept that.” Shiana stated.
With that she leaned forward and gently kissed Gabrielle’s lips.
Just then there was a knock on the door. Shiana moved back.
“Enter.” Spoke Shiana.
“Lady Gabrielle. Xena requests your presence.” The girl spoke.
Gabrielle turned and spoke. “Tell her I will be right there.” She said lifting out of the tub.
“Very well.” The girl spoke her head down as she exited.
Gabrielle turned to help Shiana out of the tub and surrounded her with a robe.
“I will be right back.” Gabrielle said kissing her cheek, lingering there log enough for Shiana’s heart to skip a beat.
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“Xena.” Gabrielle walked up to her back.
“You were right Gabrielle. I do have a soft spot for bad boys. Even worse is a bad boy who loves like a fool.” Xena spoke. Gabrielle heard the hurt in her tone. She really was falling for him in front of her eyes. She fought back tears. She didn’t want them to betray her, and she could tell Xena feared what she was feeling.
“What happened?” Gabrielle asked trying not to let her voice give her away.
“He wouldn’t take Cleopatra’s Navy. He says he wants my love instead. I think he means it.” She said turning to face Gabrielle. Who was dressed in only Shiana’s robe, and her skin was wet. Indicating she was in a bath. Xena shook off the thought of Gabrielle naked in a tub.
Feeling sorry even though she shouldn’t. Gabrielle did not like to see the woman she loved like this. She tried to offer a solution. “Well maybe you can enlist him as an Aly.”
“What will happen when he finds out I’m not Cleopatra? That I’ve duped him all this time?” Xena said not able to breath.
“What are you going to do?” asked Gabrielle.
“I can’t let him get control of the empire. There’s plenty of blood on those hands of his. He’s not afraid to shed it I know that.” Xena said before she turned to face Gabrielle, she had almost forgotten that she was wearing the robe and her breath caught as she turned to face her. So, she asked a question to distract her mind.
“What about Octavius?”
“He’s idealistic. His hearts in the right place Xena.” Gabrielle answered.
Xena realized she had to turn away to hide the blush in her cheeks.
“I wonder if he and Antony can work together?”
Gabrielle spoke after long moments of silence. “Well, if that is all Xena, I have to go.”
Xena a bit surprised by Gabrielle’s need for sudden departure grabbed her arm before she could walk out. “Where are you headed at this hour?” she spoke her voice betraying her a little.
‘Curious why does she care?’ Gabrielle thought.
“Just have some things to take care of before bed.” Said Gabrielle sliding her arm out of Xema’s hand.
And with that she was gone.
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‘What did Gabrielle have to do at a time like this?’ Xena questioned. She shook off the thought. She had to focus on seeing if Antony would be up to her suggestion.
Gabrielle knocked on the door to Shiana’s room feeling guilty for having been gone too long. Slowly the door opened, and her eyes gazed up and as she did, she saw a beautiful, bronzed leg peeking out of a beautiful robe.
“I am sorry I took so long. Xena was worried. If you would like to retire for the night I understand. It has been long day and….” Her words were cut off by Shiana grabbing her hand and whispering. “No worries, come inside.”
She walked inside feeling the crimson climbing her neck to her cheeks.
“Would you like some wine.” Said Shiana.
“Now miss Shiana, you wouldn’t be trying to get me intoxicated, would you?” said Gabrielle playfully.
“Well maybe a little.” Shiana said averting her eyes. She could tell Gabrielle felt guilty and she just wanted to help her relax.
Gabrielle noticed the concern in her eyes. She knew Shiana felt guilty, like she was using her. She decided to ease her thoughts. The last thing she wanted on her mind tonight was Xena.
“There is no need for that Shiana.” She said putting the cup of wine down as she walked up to her. “I’m looking at the only thing I care about in this moment. And she’s beautiful.” She said as she pulled in Shiana for a deep kiss.
When the kiss broke, Shiana pulled back and looked into emerald eyes.
“Gabrielle.” Shiana whispered feeling a wave of power that drove her to grab the beautiful blonde’s waist and direct her to the bed. She gently gave her a push to sit her down. She looked into her eyes needing Gabrielle to confirm she wanted this.
Gabrielle saw the concern in Shiana’s chestnut brown eyes, and she spoke barely above a whisper. “I think I need help getting out of this robe of yours.”
With that Shiana’s gaze became soaked with lust as she pulled Gabrielle’s robe open slowly past her shoulders, then her waist and found Gabrielle’s beautiful nude form, as she stared into emerald eyes. Her breath caught in her chest as she felt Gabrielle pull her into her lap and untie her robe. She let it fall to the ground.
“Beautiful.” Was all Gabrielle could manage staring at the bronzed nude form sitting in her lap.
Gabrielle kissed Shiana fiercely. Giving in to the sensations in her body, now on fire. She lay back pulling the beautiful bronze skinned woman down with her.
Hands roamed seemingly every where they could touch. A deep moan escaped Gabrielle’s throat and it encouraged Shiana. But she had to know. So, she opened her eyes breaking the kiss and spoke. “Are you sure Gabrielle? I can not stop once I have started.”
Gabrielle realized she had to put any doubts to bed. In this moment, she wanted, no needed to be loved.
So, she pulled Shiana down so that her mouth was next her ear. “Please, I need you so badly.”
Shiana held back no longer. She took her then over and over. After Several hours of loving the two fell asleep soundly.
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The next day after defeating both Antony and Brutus, Gabrielle was standing there listening to Xena talk about how important Cleopatra’s sacrifice was for Egypt and how they should respect and honor it. She heard the words, but they did not register. For She was staring into chestnut brown eyes as they stared into Gabrielle’s. All She could think was how much she was going to miss being loved by this woman. Then as she stood by Xema’s side she felt guilty because all I wanted to do was speak to Shiana. So, after long moments she spoke. “Xena, I must take care of something before we leave. I will be back shortly.”
“Ok.” Was all Xena said as she continued to stare into the distance.
Gabrielle found Shiana in a pass way near the palace. They had agreed to meet there to say goodbye.
“Hey you.” Gabrielle spoke walking up to Shiana’s back. “You beat me here.”
“Hi.” Gabrielle spoke crimson spreading across her cheeks. “I ….”
She hesitated.
“I know.” Shiana spoke a tear sliding down her cheek. “I meant what I said beautiful. I expect nothing. But if I had the chance, I would give you everything.
“You make it very hard to leave you. I haven’t been loved that way in a while. I had forgotten how good it feels. Thank you for that Shiana.” Gabrielle said caressing her face.
She pulled her close and kissed her passionately. She tried to make the kiss last as long as she could but finally the kiss broke. She opened her eyes and tried to catch her breath.
“You better go. Now that everything is over Xena will most definitely come looking. I know I would.” Shiana spoke stepping back so that the only thing connecting the two was her hand grabbing Gabrielle’s forearm.
Then Gabrielle walked away sliding her arm out of her embrace. Goodbye my queen she thought as she watched her walk away.
Meanwhile Xena had noticed
it had been a while since she had seen Gabrielle. She wanted to get moving. So, she asked some nearby men and they said they had seen her headed into a pass way near the palace. As she reached the edge she stopped when she saw Gabrielle talking to Shiana. She was holding Gabrielle’s forearm staring at her. She couldn’t hear what was said. But she felt guilty for watching so she quickly retreated when she saw Gabrielle headed in her direction. Why did Gabrielle not speak to Shiana after she spoke? Xena thought.
“Ready to go, Xena?” Gabrielle spoke jolting her out of her thoughts as she walked up.
“Yeah. Um. Yeah. Let’s get moving.” Xena spoke. “We are going to a town about a candle mark away from here. Then we can get a fresh start in the morning.”
Xena was quiet the whole way there. She was so focused on Antony that she had not noticed that something was different about Gabrielle. She also realized that with everything that happened back in the palace she had no idea what Gabrielle did when she was not with her. Then there was her constant abrupt leaving after each time they had talked as if she had to be somewhere important.
“Xena, Xena. Are you listening?” Gabrielle spoke pulling her out of her thoughts.
“I am gonna go for a drink at the tavern down the road for a couple hours after dinner. “
“Ok I’ll come with you.” Xena said.
“No. I’d like to be alone for a while if you don’t mind.” Gabrielle spoke sadness in her voice.
“Ok.” Said a confused Xena. “If that’s what you want.”
She felt a barrier rising between them. One that only Gabrielle could bring down. Truth be told she felt it growing since she had refused her love. She had let herself get distracted by the mission. Now the barrier had grown, and she was just now realizing.
A candle mark after dinner Gabrielle found herself nervously waiting in the tavern
down the road for Shiana. She had asked her to meet there. “Hi.” She heard the
voice from behind her as she turned around.
When she did, she saw beautiful red brown hair spilling over bronze shoulders.
Then she looked up into those chestnut brown eyes.
“I thought that it would be easier to travel this way.” She said nodding to her outfit
and hair. “Come I have camp set up in the woods not far from here.”
They walked into the tent, and it was like she was transported back to the palace.
“I called you here because you forgot some of your scrolls at the palace and it was
such a short trip. So, I thought I would camp here for a while. Bring you the scrolls.
And I also wondered if I could spend a few hours with you.” Shiana spoke turning
her back to Gabrielle.
Then she felt a hand at her waist. “I would be lying if I told you that I didn’t already
tell Xena I would be out for a few hours. I would love it if we could just spend some
time together that was not weighed down by a mission.”
So, they drank wine and talked. For a while any ways.
Meanwhile a very nervous Xena waited for Gabrielle back at their room in the inn.
Xena decided to get ready for bed after spending time with Argo. She had washed
up and changed into her shift. She went to sharpen her sword, but she couldn’t find
the whet stone anywhere in her saddle bags. Then suddenly she remembered she
had put it in Gabrielle’s backpack. She reached for the bag, and it tipped off the
table all the contents spilling out. She put her Whet stone on the table. Then she
began picking everything else and placing it back in her bag when she noticed
Gabrielle’s personal scroll had fell out and rolled open. She didn’t mean to start
reading but when she saw her name, she couldn’t help it. She began to read.
Tonight, did not go as Xena planned. She thought Antony would take her Navy, but
instead, he asked for her love. I guess I can not blame him for that. After all
I did the very same. But still, it was always hard to watch her fall for someone
in front of my eyes. However, this time, it was different harder than the other times. But I accept that she doesn’t love me that way. I love her so much that I would suffer an entire lifetime before forcing her to love me or be without me. I realized I must put that out of my mind. Still, I feel a little guilty about my feelings for HER. Granted, I am not by any means ready for anything serious. But there is something about Shiana. She looks at me as if I am her whole world. She isn’t Xena. But she makes me feel drawn to her. Spending time with her during all of this has made this time bearable. I find myself looking for any excuse to talk to her, be near her. If she is in the room, I can’t help but stare into those gorgeous brown eyes. It’s hard to hide the blush that I know spreads across my cheek. And, when she made love to me tonight. She filled me and it felt amazing. Well, let’s just say it has been a long time since I have felt that wanted by anyone. She’s lying next to me while I am writing this. I guess I am used to running on short amounts of sleep. She is out cold. She is so beautiful. I must admit it would be nice to wake to this more often. I know my mind should be solely on the mission. But all I can think of is saying goodbye to her. I can hardly bare it. But I must. She says she understands about everything. I hope it’s true. I had better get some rest. Tomorrow is a big day.
Always,
Gabrielle
Xena was astonished. She could not believe what she had read. The whole mission began to replay in her mind, and it was an entirely different story this time. All the abrupt departures, the looks shared between Gabrielle and Shiana. The morning of the battle when she had gone to Shiana’s room asking her if she had seen Gabrielle. She had kept the door open only so far. She must have lied when she said she hadn’t. Come to think of it, she thought she had seen a blonde head of hair in the bed behind her, but she had not thought anything of it. Gods it all made sense. Xena felt her heart race and her breath catch. She had not considered the fact that refusing Gabrielle’s love would send her into someone else’s arms. She felt her heart breaking.
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“Gabrielle, I have had another amazing night with you listening to your adventures. But I have wanted to kiss you since I layed eyes on you in that tavern tonight.” Shiana’s boldness surprised both.
Somehow Shiana made her shy. “Why haven’t you?”
“I guess I thought it would make it harder when you leave.” Shiana spoke sitting on the bed.
Kneeling before her and dipping her head to catch the gaze of her brown orbs.
“It’s too late for that Shiana.” She said as she pushed up and onto Shiana with a strong force pinning her to the bed. Kissing her passionately. Tongues roaming, hands searching. Gabrielle began to lose herself in the burning sensations of want and need emanating from the beautiful woman beneath her. She began to slide her under Shiana’s skirt when she felt a hand stop her. She looked down into brown eyes with questions.
“Gabrielle.” Shiana spoke her voice shaky. “As much as I want you to take me right now. I fear I may not be able to leave you.”
She looked into those eyes, and she saw the truth. She closed her eyes and touched her forehead to Shiana’s. “Gods I want to take you so badly.” She contemplated becoming very aware that her hand was inches away from Shiana’s center. So close she could feel the heat radiating from it. “But I respect your decision. However if I do not leave now. I will break my word.”
So, they stood and walked to the tent entrance. She brought Shiana close and kissed her with all her might.
“Goodbye Queen of the Amazons.” She spoke softly.
“Goodbye Shiana, I will never forget you.” Gabrielle spoke as she walked out tears in her eyes.
When she returned to the room Xena was still awake.
“I thought you’d be asleep.” she said closing the door.
“You’ve been gone for a while.” Xena stated matter of fatly. “You don’t seem that drunk. Thought you were drinking at the tavern.”
“I did. I just didn’t have many.” Gabrielle stated. It wasn’t a lie. Not really.
She began pulling her clothes off and sliding her shift over her head.
“I don’t think I am going to write tonight Xena it’s late and….” Her words were cut off when she saw tears streaming down Xena’s cheeks.
“Xena what is it?” she almost screamed rushing to her side.
But Xena pushed her arms away. She looked up into Crystal blue orbs for an answer and she saw anger.
Xena could barely look at her. She was so angry. Angry at herself for refusing Gabrielle. Angry at Gabrielle for giving herself to Shiana. She knew she had no right. The anger still burned in her chest.
“Gabrielle, what is this?” She held out her personal scroll and let it fall open so Gabrielle could see.
When she read the beginning of the passage her eyes went wide, and her cheeks went red with blush. She stood and backed away, but Xena followed.
“Xena. I …” she had no words. She never thought she would have to explain herself to Xena.
“You really slept with her? Made love to her?” Xena pushed out through tears. “While we were on a mission?”
She was about to respond when she realized that she had nothing to be ashamed of. Xena had refused her love. They were not together.
“How dare you!!” She shouted louder than she intended. “You read my private journal. Now you’re interrogating me. Why do you care anyway?”
“Do you love her?” Xena spoke turning away from Gabrielle. She couldn’t hide the desperation in her voice. She knew it was true as soon asked about the scroll.
The look in Gabrielle’s eyes. It was unmistakable.
After the moment of silence began lasting too long. Xena realized her question had not been answered. So, she asked again. “Do. You. Love. Her?”
Gabrielle felt so confused. Xena had insisted that she had no feelings for her. So why was this such a big deal.
“No. I love you. But you don’t love me back!” She yelled turning her back as well. “Look Xena it’s late and I don’t want to argue. I am going to go sleep somewhere else.” Gabrielle spoke and grabbed her bags. Xena didn’t have time to respond.
She was gone. Xena fell back on the bed a tear sliding down her cheek. “What did I do?”
She didn’t blame Gabrielle. But the thought pf Shiana touching her. Of her name spilling from Gabrielle’s lips. She didn’t want to think about it. So she laid back and forced herself to sleep.
Shiana was shocked when Gabrielle entered her tent again. But happy.
“Hi, um can I sleep here tonight? It’s a long story which I promise to tell you all about in the morning. But the short version is I had a fight with Xena, and I just can’t be near her right now I just…” Her words were cut off.
“Shhhhh….” Shiana spoke as she placed a finer over Gabrielle’s lips before kissing her. “Come lie down.”
“Thank you.” Said Gabrielle.
She lay on her side embraced by Shiana from behind. Sleep took a while to
come but finally it took her.
The next morning, she woke to the smell of breakfast as Shiana walked in with
freshly cooked food and berries and water. She sat up and looked around suddenly
remembering the events that occurred the night before. The look on Xena’s face
when she asked her about her private scroll. It all came rushing back to her.
“Hungry?” Shiana spoke. “I figured you might be.”
“Yes, thank you. I had a rough night.” Said Gabrielle not knowing how much she
Should share.
“So, what was this fight about with you and Xena. I can’t imagine that it’s
something you can’t work out.” Shiana spoke. She saw the hesitation in Gabrielle’s
eyes. “It’s ok Gabrielle. You can talk to me. I am your friend too.”
“Well, I wrote about our night together after it happened in my private scroll and
Xena read it.” Said Gabrielle.
“And which night would that be?” spoke Shiana. “As I recall there were a few.”
Gabrielle felt crimson rise and spread over her cheeks as she averted her eyes.
“Um, the first one.” She said in a very shaky voice. “She totally disrespected my
privacy.”
“I see. Well Gabrielle.” Shiana spoke caressing her face. “You have to go back
beautiful. It sincerely pains me to say this. But she loves you. I know she read your
private scroll. I know you say she rejected your love. But it’s obvious that she only
did so because she felt she didn’t deserve you. Otherwise, she would not have
noticed there was something different. Nor would she have felt the need to violate
your privacy to find out. Go to her. Work it out.” Shiana rose finished with her
breakfast and helping up Gabrielle.
Gabrielle knew she was right, that she had to go back. She did not deserve Shiana
to be so good to her.
“You are right. You’re going to make a great wife someday Shiana. Thank you. You
are an amazing woman.” Gabrielle said as she kissed her on the lips and turned to
walk out of the tent.
“Goodbye Gabrielle.” She spoke.
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When Gabrielle walked in the room Xena was still asleep.
So, she decided not to wake her. Instead, she decided to try and write in her
private scroll. And to figure out a good place to hide it. She was so intensely into
her writing she never noticed when Xena’s head popped up. So, when Xena
spoke it startled her.
“Where were you all night?” Xena said.
“By the gods you gave me a start!” said Gabrielle. “Gods, you’re good at being
quiet.”
She returned her eyes t her scroll continuing to write.
“You didn’t answer my question.” Xena spoke through gritted teeth.
Gabrielle was quiet. Why did she owe Xena an explanation as to where she had
Been? But she did not want to argue. Maybe if she gave a quick answer Xena would leave her be. “I stayed with a friend.”
‘A friend.’ Thought Xena. Gabrielle didn’t know anyone for miles.
“What friend Gabrielle? As far as I know you don’t know anyone from here.
Xena had her ideas, but she wanted to hear the words from Gabrielle.
“Why do you need to know? Why do you care?” said Gabrielle in spite of herself.
She knew she shouldn’t be fighting but she was infuriated.
“Gabrielle, Where?” Xena spoke venom coating her voice.
When a response didn’t come Xena answered herself. “You were with her, weren’t you?” Xena spoke at Gabrielle’s back.
Gabrielle spun around and looked directly into baby blue orbs. “Yes, Xena I was with Shiana. I don’t see how that matters. And as for what you read in my scrolls. I am sorry you found out. But that is my private scroll, and you had no right to read it.”
“So, you were never gonna tell me you slept with her?” Xena shot Gabrielle a look through narrowed eyes. Obviously, she had confused the bard. Her tone coming out more hurt than she intended. She was losing her composure already.
“No. I was not going to tell you. I am a grown woman Xena. Who I sleep with is my business. While we are on the topic. You can’t get upset when I sleep with other people Xena. It’s not fair if you don’t love me. I already feel like an Idiot for telling my feelings. Don’t make it worse.” Gabrielle spoke almost all in one breath.
Gabrielle was full of surprises. The hot ball that burned in Xena’s throat threatened her control. She realized that there was only one course of action. The truth.
“Gabrielle.” She spoke grabbing her hands and guiding her to the chair. “I have to tell you something and I need you to stay quiet until I am finished.”
Gabrielle nodded compliantly.
“When you confessed your love for me, and I told you I didn’t love you.” Xena took a deep breath. She knew her next words would be difficult ones. “I lied. I was just trying to…..” as she began to continue she was cut off despite Gabrielle’s promise.
“I know Xena. You wanted to protect me. You don’t think you deserve my love. I deserve better.” Gabrielle spoke Xena’s mind, and she was shocked even though she knew she shouldn’t be.
“You knew?” Asked Xena.
“Xena, we have been together 5 years now. I know you. I know your mind and your heart.” Gabrielle spoke softly leaning back in her chair.
“So why didn’t you say anything when I refused you?” She asked curiously.
“Look Xena. I knew what you were going to say and why. I had decided not to leave you. But I knew your past could never let you be ok with loving me. So, I decided that I could not live without telling you, but I accepted that the love I desire in my heart isn’t possible. I knew that I couldn’t push. Or I’d lose you.” Gabrielle said as she averted her eyes.
Xena Knew the blonde knew her well but she had no idea how many secrets lay bare for her to see. Tears bean to form as she thought of the intense love that was behind knowing her so well. Then she realized that she was the cause of her current situation, and the welling tears began to fall.
“Do you, want to be with her?” Xena asked gingerly.
Gabrielle sighed as she stood and walked past Xena Kneeling before her.
“Xena, I am attracted to her. But no, I don’t love her. I am not in love with her.”
“So why did you sleep with her? Twice I might add.” Xena spoke with an attitude unwillingly.
“First off, I only slept with her once. Nothing happened last night. Second, we had a lot in common. She made me laugh. She looked at me the way I wanted you to.
Like there was no one else that existed but me.” Gabrielle spoke her voice steadily getting smaller.
Xena couldn’t believe she had let this happen. She wanted to be mad at Gabrielle for sleeping with Shiana. But she knew she couldn’t. Worse she had let herself get distracted by Antony. Everything happened right under her nose.
The silence had lasted too long, and Gabrielle felt like it was too quiet. She couldn’t breathe. ‘Maybe a walk will help.’ She thought to herself. So, she rose and headed for the door. She had to get out of there. Xena was non-responsive. I guess her outburst didn’t mean what I thought.
Just as Gabrielle reached the door to pull it open, it pulled Xena out of her thoughts and back to reality. Gabrielle pulled the door open a crack before she felt Xena’s presence behind her closing it.
“Don’t go. Please. If you leave now, I couldn’t bare it. Please stay.” Xena said to Gabrielle.
Gabrielle felt like she was going insane. “Why Xena? Why should I stay? You obviously return my feelings. But you won’t be with me because of guilt, fear, and unworthiness. But what about being brave Xena.”
“But Gabrielle it’s not that simple.” Xena said backing away and turning.
“Right Xena. You can fight a hundred men. But you can’t allow yourself to be loved. Well, if you can’t be brave Xena, I have to. I, I can’t stay with you anymore. You were right, I deserve better.” Gabrielle spoke sternly, surprising both her and Xena.
Gabrielle turned to open the door and leave. But this time Xena felt so desperate that she placed herself between Gabrielle and the door.
“Please, I beg you!!” she pleaded. “Stay with me I need you, Gabrielle.”
Gabrielle placed her head in her palms. She felt so confused. Tears began to form. She didn’t know what to do so she let the tears fall. Then she looked up into those sky blue orbs and spoke.
“Xena, I am so in love with you. I have been for many years. But I kept it to myself. Thinking I could live with that. Then, I realized I had to tell you. I knew what you would say to me and why. I thought I could live with that as well. But when Shiana looked at me, listened to me, held me, made love to me. I realized I couldn’t live like this anymore. Even so I tried to ignore it. Go on like I had no feelings. But I do.” Gabrielle placed a hand on Xena’s cheek. Xena closed her eyes at the contact. “But looking into your eyes now, I know that I can’t do that. Not with you, the love of my life. So, goodbye. I love you forever.” Said Gabrielle as she spoke. She moved to open the door.
Xena’s head began to spin. Unless she did something, she was going to lose one of the best things her life, right now.
She pushed the door shut as Gabrielle was opening and turned Gabrielle around. She lifted her chin with her hand. She kissed her. Gently at first. But then the kiss was deepened and Xena got lost in it for what seemed like forever.
Then suddenly Gabrielle pushed Xena away, barely able to breathe. “Xena, you can’t just kiss me to get me to stay. If you won’t love me, it’s not fair that I stay.” Said Gabrielle.
“Gabrielle, I won’t lie, I do want you to stay. But I want you to give me a chance, one chance, to love you. Be a family, with me and Eve. Come with me to Alexandria to pick her up from mom.” Xena spoke pleadingly.
“You, want to be a family?” spoke Gabrielle. “But how do I know you won’t say we need to be friends when I decide to come with you.”
“I know what this looks like Gabrielle. But I won’t lose you.”
She spoke desperation in her voice.
“I realize now that I caused this, please, I am so in love with you. I need you stay with me.” Xena whispered.
Gabrielle saw the truth in Xena’s eyes and spoke. “Ok. But one chance, that’s it.”
“I promise you won’t mess this up.” Xena said as she brought Gabrielle into her embrace.
She brought her lips softly to Gabrielle’s. She felt her hesitate and then respond to her kiss.
“Come on, we can go pick up Eve tomorrow. “ she said slowly leading Gabrielle to the bed. “Please let me love you, Gabrielle, make you mine.” Xena spoke as she kissed down Gabrielle’s neck.
Gabrielle lifted Xena’s face, so they were staring into each other’s eyes. “I was always yours Xena, always.”
THE END