By D.C. Parker
Feedback is welcome as always. Send it to: d.c.parker@web.de
Disclaimer: All characters of Xena Warrior Princess belong to Universal and all of its friends, and I am only borrowing their property for this story.
The idea, however, is mine, and no one can take that away…HAH! ☺
In this short piece, Xena is tormented by her past, and gets some unexpected help with getting over it.
***
Night was falling, and the dusty sand of the town square still held the heat of the day. Silence surrounded the silent viewer standing at the window in one of the towns Inns, a long, lean body only clad in a thin brown shift, dark hair bunched up into a loose bun, and clear, ever watchful blue eyes slowly wandered over the little rooftops in the close distance.
Xena bend her head a little, trying to loosen up some sore muscles she owed the fight that had taken place at the towns market just some candle marks ago. She and Gabrielle had happened to pass through this little swamp of a town in just the right moment, the bard wishing for some food, the warrior getting a bruised knee and almost a dislocated shoulder instead. Some thieves, not really much to worry about, and usually it would have taken her not more than ten minutes and a smile to finish them off.
But not on this day.
This day was…different.
The warrior sighed loudly, shaking her head a little, and then leaned her good shoulder against the wooden windows post. She wished she could put her finger on it. Something was there…lurking in the far back of her mind. It had been that way for some days now, at first just a flicker of an unknown picture in a dream, then it started to slowly creep closer, started to filter in on her awareness, started to take her concentration off the tasks at hand.
That had been the only reason that filthy little scumbag had managed a hit on her. And a good one it had been. Good enough for her to drop her sword, and groan out loud, and needing a couple of seconds to get the wind back under her. Then she had snapped the arm that had grabbed her like a twig. Not even thinking twice about it. And yet…after that, she had started to get worried.
She had no idea what was happening with her. The picture she had seen some time ago in her dream had come back, always in her dreams, getting closer and closer, slowly forming in front of her inner eyes, flickering in front of her face when being awake, like a permanent ghost surrounding her, haunting her, and the closer that picture had gotten, the more Xena had been withdrawn into herself. The closer it had gotten, the more had she felt some kind of energy rising within her, dark and brooding, something she hadn’t felt in a long time.
Of course her sudden silence had brought her friend on to the scene, with a huge load of annoying questions in tow she had started to ask the warrior again and again, until two days ago, she’d had enough. She had been sure her yelling could have been heard through half the forest, and the moment she had started her rant, the moment she had seen the shock in those warm green eyes, she had already felt the guilt settle firmly on her shoulders. But she couldn’t stop it. It felt as if she would collapse under the weight of this unknown danger upon her, would break apart being torn between the things she knew she wanted to feel, and the things that dreams had forced on her.
She had needed to get it out, had needed to release some of that energy, or she would surely have choked on it. Of course, she had apologized later, trying to explain to Gabrielle what had happened without telling her everything. The last thing she wanted was the bard watching her every step of the way, as if waiting for her to lose it again. And of course Gabrielle had done that. And as nerve wracking as that had been for her, Xena knew she did it because she cared. Because the way the warrior acted was worrying her too.
Thunder rumbled in the distance and she took a deep breath, wincing at the stiffness in her left shoulder. ‘Bastard!’ It had felt good to break him. Almost too good.
The feeling that had washed over her the moment she had turned on him had reminded her of something. Something she thought she had finally left behind. The crunching of his bones had awakened what she had thought long dead, his cry of agony and pain had brought a smile to her face that she, even though she hadn’t seen it, knew by heart. The blood spurting from his mouth onto her hand had given her a kick she hadn’t felt in a very long time, and at the end, when everything had been over, she had turned to meet Gabrielle’s shocked expression, and had recognized, in her friends eyes, that what had been lying beneath for so long was starting to slowly come back.
Another rumble in the distance, followed by a bright flash of lightening and more thunder, and Xena raised a shaking hand to rub her face, surprised to find her cheeks wet with tears.
It felt like she was being swallowed by a huge wave of darkness, and she had absolutely no idea how to control, how to stop, how to run away from it. She had fought so hard, so damn hard to leave behind what had been. And as the picture she had been haunted by had finally shown its ugly face, in the moment that man had grabbed her, she had known her worst fear coming true.
It had been her. Covered in blood and gore, sword in hand, eyes blazing and on fire, and that…smile. That smile that had followed her out of the darkness into the light, the smile that always, always would be there, in her memories, in her mind, buried so thoroughly in the deepest, darkest reaches of her soul…but still…there. She had always thought that given time and space, she would lose that as well. Had believed in Gabrielle’s words, in the promise of doing good, and light, and warmth, and love, believed that this would finally free her from the nightmare her life had been.
The moment she had seen that smile reflected back at her in Gabrielle’s eyes…had destroyed that belief beyond repair.
The warrior turned and leaned her back against the windowsill, her darkening eyes wandering over to the bed where her friend was lying, already fast asleep. They had shared a silent meal, and even though Xena had wanted to move on, move out of the town, away from what had happened, the farmers they had saved had insisted, offering them a warm meal and a place to sleep for the night, and who was she to deny the hope she had seen flicker in those beseeching green orbs? So they had stayed, and she had done her best to evade the questioning eyes of her friend, evade the voiced questions of their companions, evade reality at all. Too much was she shocked, hurt, by what she had felt that day.
The quiet meal had been followed by a quiet bath in their room, and since the warrior hadn’t made the slightest bit of effort to talk to Gabrielle, the bard had finally decided to go to sleep and let her be. It had been the best possible choice for her. Feeling how she felt, Xena hadn’t been sure whether one more attempt at making her talk would have resulted in yet another yelling, or maybe something even more dangerous. She didn’t trust herself at the moment. Not at all. And as long as she wasn’t able to, Gabrielle was best to stay as far away from her as she could.
The tall woman bit her lip, trying to take calming breaths as her heart rate picked up on a rush of sudden panic. What now? What in Tartarus could she do now? She felt like an animal trapped in a cage, and no matter how hard she fought, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get out, instead the trap was closing in on her, forcing her more and more into a place where she had sworn to never be in again.
Maybe she should leave…leave this town, leave this land, leave Gabrielle as far behind her as possible. Maybe that would be best. She could go east again, or to Egypt. She had never been there. Or North…no, no that hadn’t been a good idea the first time she’d had it. But it didn’t really matter, anyway. She needed to get away. She felt as if the ground beneath her feet was slipping, and she knew that once she fell, there would be no stopping to it anymore. And she never, ever would forgive herself if innocent people got hurt because of her inability to fight her darkness. If something would happen to Gabrielle…well, at least she could kill herself for that right away and would put an end to this madness!
“You’ve got to be kidding me!”
She gasped in shock as the deep voice sounded right next to her, and in the next instant her arm was up, her fist ready to deliver a surely deadly punch. It was caught in mid blow, and she flinched a little as warm, yet strong fingers closed around hers, gripping them so hard it made her knuckles creak.
“Oh Xena…I love it when you get rough on me.” The dark haired woman swallowed down the lump in her throat, trying to fight the sudden urge to run away from his dark, penetrating gaze.
“Let go of my arm.” He didn’t. He held on, his deep eyes searching her face, the smug smile on his face slowly masked by concern.
“What’s wrong with you?” She had to clear her throat before she could answer.
“Since when do you care?!” He didn’t even blink at that.
“I am here now, aren’t I? Suppose that means I do.” Her clear eyes sharpened, glinting dangerously at him from under dark lashes.
“What do you want?” He gave her a charming smile.
“Why don’t you tell me? It was you who called.” Xena frowned, staring at him in confusion.
“What in Tartarus are you talking about?! I didn’t call you, not for a very long time!” He nodded, his face twitching a little.
“That’s true. We should talk about that.” She growled at him, trying to pull her hand away, finding again that she couldn’t.
“Maybe some other time. Now get out before I throw you out of the window!” A laugh was her answer, one that sent shivers down her spine.
“That’s what I always liked best about you Xena. You always think you…can.” Then he bent his head, studying her face again.
“So…back to that Call Me thing…”
“Ares! I didn’t…” He held his free hand up to his mouth, signaling her with one finger to be silent.
“Xena…keep it down, would you? We don’t wanna wake up the annoying little thing you keep around you these days.” Xena chanced a look over to the bed where Gabrielle was sleeping, then shook her head, her sharp eyes zeroing in on him again.
“How considerate of you…now get lost!”
“I can’t.”
“And why not?!” He sighed. It sounded a little like defeat.
“I already told you. You called me.” She barely held back an angry scream.
“Have you lost your mind? I didn’t call you, you son of a bastard, and…”
“You did.”
There was something in his voice that caught her attention. Not the usual smugness or even the barely hidden danger that always flowed together with what he said. It sounded…different. His voice was calm, and sure, even a little gentle. It made her want to hide from it.
“I…I did…not.” Nothing left of the self assuredness she always used as a shield against him. Against the things he reminded her off. He looked at her. His eyes gone death serious.
“You did my dear. I am drawn to darkness, remember?”
It was like a slap to the cheek. She stared at him in shock, her whole body starting to shake. Of course…he had felt it. That’s how he had come to her the very first time so many years ago. Had been there from one moment to the other, had told her that he had felt her darkness, that he could show her how to use it. Then, she had been more than eager to let it all out. Now…
She stepped back, away from him, pulling her arm out of his grasp, and this time he let her. Slowly, she put more distance between them, her eyes locked with his, her legs shaking so badly she feared she would collapse any moment.
“No…no I…I didn’t…”
She turned her back to him, hurrying over to the bags they had left next to the bed she should use, started frantically to pack her things. No. no, that couldn’t be true. He was lying, he was just trying to hurt her, torment her, get her back. No…no…
The memory of the day came back, and she saw Gabrielle’s face again. Saw the shock that the blond woman hadn’t been able to hide. She heard the scream of the dying man, felt his blood, heard her own rushing through her veins, bringing with it a surge of…
A hand on her shoulder. Warm and gentle. Pressing down, giving her something to hold on to in this sudden storm that tried to carry her away.
“Xena…don’t.”
She closed her eyes, needed a few moments to breath, to get some kind of control on her senses. Everything was in turmoil, every part of her being drawn in so many different directions she feared the power of it would rip her apart. Her eyes wandered over her things, coming to rest on her sword. ‘No…no…’
“You are no quitter.”
Why did his words mean so much to her all of a sudden? She remembered the long talks during the nights, in her tent in the middle of a bloody battlefield. They had talked about her plans, her soldiers, her enemy’s weakness that had finally given her what she had wanted. His words always full of darkness, and pride, full of promises would she stay with him, filled with barely hidden lust for her.
Blood lust, he had called it, and that it would be all right for her to let it happen, that with him, she could let go of the demons that surely would haunt her one day. She never had given into it, never! She loved the feel of blood on her hands, she loved the almost present feel of darkness and danger, she loved the excitement run through her veins after a glorious battle. Never did she think about letting any of it go. No, she wanted to hold on to it, as long as possible.
Then, his words had been only this. Words. She never had put much thought to them, or searched for any hidden meanings. She never had listened. That was what had given her the respect of her men, and the reputation among the gods. She was the one that was convinced she stood above them.
And now…here she was, at a point where only his words were able to give her some kind of solace.
“I…I don’t know what’s happening.”
It wasn’t more than a mere whisper, but she knew he had heard her well. He was silent for a few more moments, then he pressed her shoulder again, pulled her around to meet his gaze again.
“I want to show you something.” Clear eyes clouded over with sorrow and pain looked at him uncomprehendingly.
“What?” He gave her a smile.
“Come with me.” And held out a hand for her to take. Xena rasped out a laugh at that.
“Are you serious? After everything you have done to me…” He said nothing. She shook her head.
“There is nothing in this world that would bring me to do this.” No answer. Just his hand. Held out for her. And his eyes, calling for her soul to join his.
“I…I don’t know how to do this.”
She felt insecure all of a sudden. They had spent so much time together when she had been his warrior. But never had they done this. Never had she let him close enough for anything else than a press of a hand, a pat on the cheek, a cuff on the shoulder. Because she had been sure he wanted her in ways that went beyond being her god. She could see it in his eyes every time they were alone. And it scared her that, somewhere deep inside her heart, she could feel herself responding to it.
“It’s easy. You just take off your shift and…” She slapped his arm.
“Pig.” He laughed gently, then took one last step up to her, finally just taking one of her hands in his, holding it in a strong grasp.
“You don’t have to do anything. Just hold on to me.” She couldn’t help a sarcastic smile at that.
“Now we are getting somewhere.” But his eyes were too serious for that, his touch too gentle for him to have something in mind she had to be careful about.
“Trust me Xena. This one last time.”
Something in the back of her mind yelled at her not to do it. Xena bit her lip again, taking a deep breath. She should stay there. In here where inside every dark shadow lurked her past, only waiting for her to be too open and vulnerable, waiting to pull her back down into the darkness.
“Will she be all right?” she asked after a long time, chancing another look at Gabrielle. The hand that held hers pressed down softly.
“Don’t worry. She’s safe.”
Another deep breath. Then she nodded, turning back to him. He smiled at her, then lifted the hand he was holding, kissing it swiftly as he pulled her against his body. Xena raised an eyebrow at that and wanted to say something, but suddenly a bright blue light flashed, forcing her eyes shut, and in the next instant she felt the ground pulled out under her…
…it wasn’t more than the blink of an eye, then the dry, sticky air of the Inns room was replaced by a cool, fresh breeze, flowing around her, wafting through her now open hair, and she breathed it in slowly, instantly feeling some of the tension in her body abate. She felt ground under her feet again, felt his sure hold, and for a moment, she found herself wishing she could stay like that forever.
“Here we are.”
His voice held definite amusement, and it wasn’t until then she realized that, probably out of facing the unknown, she had slung her arms around his neck, holding on to him for dear life. She opened her eyes and looked up, meeting his twinkling gaze.
“Don’t you dare.” Her winked at her.
“I won’t tell anyone, promise.” Out of a reflex she smiled back at him, suddenly aware of his hold around her hips tightening.
“So…how was it? You feel all right?” he asked her, and she gave him a warning look.
“Stop that smirking.” She let go then, gently pushing away from him, glad that he still held on as her legs wanted to give out.
“Woah…what…urngh.” She closed her eyes for a second as everything around her started spinning, only reopening them again as she could feel her thundering heartbeat finally settle back into a more normal rhythm.
“Honestly? I feel like throwing up.” She laid a hand on her stomach, rubbing over it.
“How do you stand that all the time? I would be puking over my horse the whole day.” He patted her shoulder, then let go of her, helping her to lean against a column made of dark stone next to which they had appeared.
“It’s a god thing, I guess. It takes some getting used to, all that tossing and turning…”
“Hair making and dress changing…” she added in a neutral tone, her eyes twinkling gently as she looked at him with a slight smile.
Just now she had noticed not only her hair had changed. She wasn’t wearing her shift anymore, but a long, smooth deep red dress, shoulders bare, the soft material hugging her hips, falling down to the soft grass she was standing on.
“Yeah well…couldn’t have you run around half naked. You catch a cold out here, Gabrielle would have my head.”
She laughed at that and shook hers, then turned, finally able to stand up straight, and lifted her eyes away from his to take in their surroundings.
It was some kind of ruin, that much she was able to tell. It was dark here as well, thousands of twinkling stars covering the deep midnight blue sky like a twinkling blanket. They were standing in some kind of garden, at least she could see some trees to her left, and she smelled the gentle fragrance of roses nearby. Her hearing picked up a soft, rushing sound and she left the place she was leaning against, walking a few paces over to the small stone railing she could see, putting her hands on it, looking out into the distance.
“I love being at the sea.” She murmured, as if talking to herself.
She had no idea which sea it was, nor where they actually where, but it was beautiful. The movement of waves upon waves crushing against the shore she could see beneath her was hypnotic, and she didn’t know how long she had been standing there just watching until Ares came up to her, leaning against the railing, bending his head to look at her.
“I know.” Blue eyes slowly lifted to his and held.
“Where are we?” His smile was challenging.
“Do you really want to know?” Xena sighed, turning her eyes back towards the gently rippling sea.
“No I don’t.”
They spend some more time in silence, and after a while, the warrior could feel some of her usual self control returning. The memories where still there, still hovering over her awareness like a dark, brooding storm, but somehow they seemed…bearable.
“Feeling any better?” His tone was showing real concern, and slowly the dark haired woman started to wonder if he really meant only the effects of having been transported for the first time. She turned her head back towards him, giving him a questioning look.
“Why are you doing this?” His smile was a mix between gentle affection and hurt.
“You are my Chosen One, or have you forgotten?”
“Ares…” He sighed, then it was his turn to avert her gaze and turn to look out over the sea.
“I know you like to convince yourself of it not being the case but…I do care.”
It hung between them, and Xena could feel a small shiver of guilt crawl over her shoulders. He was right. She never had allowed herself to think that everything he did was out of care for her, out of wanting best for her, out of not being able to get her out of his mind. Because not allowing herself to believe that had made it easier for her not to think about him. At all.
“I love the sea.” She said again after a while, joining him in watching the waves.
“Being out there always gave me a sense of…peace, I think. The freedom of being on open waters. Just sailing towards an endless horizon, not knowing what tomorrow would bring, leaving behind what has been lost.”
A sigh escaped her, and she crossed her arms in front of her chest, staring at the dark stones on the shore below them, watching them being washed clean by the salty sea water.
“I never knew thought doing good would be this hard. I don’t…know if it’s worth it.” The quick movement next to her startled her, and she took and instinctive step back as he stood up straight, looking down on her, his dark eyes flashing with anger.
“I’ve heard enough of this! What’s going on with you?!”
She was too stunned by the sudden change in his behavior to be able to mask anything. Too wary and tired to fight the words that wanted to get out now. Too weak to hold anything back.
“I don’t know if I can do what I do any longer! It’s too hard. It hurts, every second of the day it hurts! My past is haunting me, the things I see in my sleep are so painful and cruel I am afraid they are going to kill me! I can’t go on! I can’t…”
She stopped, needed a moment to breathe. Her insides were in knots, she was shaking again, her pulse drumming in her ears so loud it was hard for her to hear her own voice. It was too much. All of it. She couldn’t go on. She couldn’t. She couldn’t…
“Bitch.” She blinked.
“What?” His eyes were smoldering, burning right through her, into the farthest reaches of her soul.
“You…are a damn bitch! How can you do that to me?!” Xena gasped for air, completely confused.
“What…are you talking ab…what…I don’t understand!” He rasped out a pained laugh.
“No you don’t! You never did! This is it…this is the moment I have been waiting for the last moons! The moment where I could easily draw you back to me…and I just can’t do it!” He turned away from her, his whole body coiled tight.
“Damn you Xena! I can’t do it! DAMN YOU!”
The warrior watched his back, lifting heavily under his breathing. Then his words registered.
“Ares…” She lifted a hand, reached out to him, but he shrugged away as if sensing her trying to touch.
“No! I’ve had enough of all this! I never thought I’d say this about you, but I am disappointed!” Blue eyes lanced into his as he turned towards her again.
“Disappointed?!” Now he crossed his arms in front of his chest, pinning her with a cold, hard stare.
“You heard me right! You, my dear, are not just any warrior. You are the warrior! Strong, independent, invincible! And I haven’t trained you to run from something! You decided to turn your back on what you were destined to become and start a new life as some half assed hero…fine! But live with the consequences, damn it! What did you think? That one good year would blow out the candle that shines on what you did for years? That you could shrug off what lies inside your soul? Face it, Xena! You can’t, and you never will! But you are strong enough to live with it! At least I thought you would be, but obviously…even the God of War can be wrong!”
The ever present rushing of crashing waves filled the silence that followed his words, settling on them like a heavy blanket. The dark haired woman stood there, could do nothing more than stare at him, searching his face, his eyes, watching the heavy rise and fall of his chest. Pictures started swirling through her mind, memories of long forgotten times, evenings at fire places, walks through the forest, of times when she had been close to giving up, times when she hadn’t known if she would be able to really pull off a plan…she always had. Always won. Always her. And now that she allowed herself to think about it again…it had always been because she had wanted to impress him, too. And that, somehow, brought on a gentle smile.
“You sound like you did when I was about to go up against Tialdus and his army on my way to Sparta.” She sounded as conversational as she could, just like nothing had happened. She could see the surprise in his face, and gave him a gentle wink.
“When I had made up the plan about the sinkhole and the poisoned spikes? And about three candle marks to starting the fight I had a complete panic attack.” He still said nothing, but nodded slowly.
“And you showed up and almost broke me in half for acting like a stupid coward. Told me that a warrior who doubted herself…couldn’t be your warrior.” Ares sighed.
“I remember. No idea, though, why I thought that would matter to you.” Blue eyes met his gaze and held.
“It did.” He slowly raised a hand, carefully pushing a lock of dark hair out of her face.
“And you made it.” Xena nodded slowly, forcing herself not to flinch away at the sudden electricity that spread over her skin as his hand came to lie on her cheek.
“Sometimes…I miss those days.” Her voice sounded different. Deeper than usual, somehow sensual. Somehow…
“Me too.” He meant it just the way it sounded. She was sure of that. She could see it in his eyes that slowly seemed to get darker than they already were.
“Xena…I know how you feel. And believe me, tomorrow I am going to beat myself silly for even thinking about saying what I will now. But…don’t give up. You are going to pull through this. You are stronger. You will beat this.”
It gave her so much. Never would she have thought it to be possible that he, he of all there were, would be the one to give her back hope. She didn’t even think about it as she lifted a hand to grab his, clasping it, thereby pressing his a little more against her cheek.
“Why today?”
Her voice was barely recognizable anymore. Their eyes were still locked, still was she mesmerized by the warmth that shone in his, by the way she could see herself there, not the monster that haunted her at night, but her true self, strong and soft, fierce and gentle, beautiful yet a deadly fighter. It was all there, all in his eyes, and she could feel herself slowly drawn closer to them.
“It’s your birthday.” She frowned, giving him a quick shake of her head.
“No…it isn’t.” Ares nodded, his free hand coming to rest on her hip.
“It is my dear…today, one year ago…you decided to leave me.”
It was the last thing she had expected, and it hit her with stunning force, bringing tears to her eyes to quick for her to stop them.
“But…I…you never…” His smile was heart breaking.
“Today, one year ago, yet another new Xena was born. I want you to remember what you felt that day, what you felt when you made your decision. And even though I will deny that I ever said that after tonight…I want you to know that it was the right one…”
He had wanted to say more, but his words were lost as she closed the last distance between them and kissed him. The breeze surrounding them picked up as her lips met his, swirling around their joined bodies, bringing with it the scent of flowers, and earth, and the promise of a caress he had always wanted, had desired longer than he could remember. It came as her hands came to lie on his chest, slipping beneath the soft dark material of his vest, and he could feel his mind starting to spin. Endless nights had he spent watching her, endless days had he spent taunting her, trying to sway her, only to end up fantasizing about being with her once again. Endless times had he thought about what kissing her would feel like. Now he knew. Now he knew…
His hands had slipped around her waist, pressing her closer, only ever closer, and Xena could feel the heat of his skin, feel it through the material of her dress, feel it burning itself inside her very soul. It felt…so different from everything she had felt before. So strong. So sure. So…right.
They both were breathing hard as she pulled her head away, needing to gasp for air, needing to see in his eyes that what she had felt the moment their lips had met wasn’t her imagination alone. The rush of energy had been intoxicating, and now, looking into his eyes, she could see it reflected right back at her.
She smiled at him.
He smiled back.
Ares watched her. She was beautiful. Just beautiful. She was so many things he never would be, nor would be able to understand. She was all he ever wanted. She was everything.
And that was why, as she lifted her face towards his once more, he slowly stepped back, sighing as he shook his head.
“Xena…” Her blue eyes pierced into his. No matter what he would say now, he knew she could read him in that open, vulnerable moment as easily as he had always read her mind.
“What’s wrong?” His eyes went sad. So did his smile.
“Nothing.”
Xena bent his head to study him. His trembling lips, his picked up breathing, the hard beating of his pulse against the skin of his neck…all those things told her he wanted her just like she wanted him in that moment. But his eyes…had they been full of passion and desire just a second ago, now they were filled with something that pulled at her heart, something that made her aware of what else she had given up as she had turned away from darkness.
Him.
Because they both knew being with him would easily lure her back. Because his darkness was easily matching hers. Because his brooding energy was too strong for her to resist.
She would go back to him.
She would be at his side, be his warrior, be his princess, become his queen.
The dark haired woman sighed, pulling her hands away from him, instantly feeling the cool air that settled on them as the heat of his body left.
She wanted him. Never before had she been so sure about anything.
She wanted him.
And with turning away a year ago, she had made sure she never, ever could have him. Not anymore.
Ares watched her closely, saw the understanding dawn on her face. His insides were burning, every fiber of his being screaming at him to take her back in his arms. And he couldn’t. She had been right. It would destroy her. Them. Everything.
“Take me back.”
The finality that lay in her voice almost broke him. But he nodded, taking a deep breath, again holding out his hand for her to take.
She looked up into his eyes. And took it. And they both knew, in that moment, that it would be the last time she would trust him with her life, her heart, her soul. They both knew, this moment of taking his hand would be their last…
…”Oh boy…I think I need to sit down.”
She swayed slightly, silently glad for his supporting hand that held her arm as she leaned against the wooden windows post again.
“I’ll never get used to this.”
The moment it was out, she knew it to be the hurtful truth. No. She never would be able to.
They looked at each other as the sun slowly started to rise, throwing red golden light through the open window and over both of them. Xena lifted a hand to push a lock behind one ear, finding her hair bunched back again. With a quick look down seeing her body covered by the brown shift.
“I should go.” His voice was rough. And when she gazed back at him, she knew he knew it too.
She had made up her mind.
Never would she be back.
“Ares…” A raised hand stopped her words.
“Don’t. Just…don’t.” A sad smile, then she nodded. And said nothing.
He nodded, too, then turned, about to vanish in a wash of blue light. She saw him stop short, saw his fist clench at his sides.
Then he spun around, closed in on her, one hand diving into her hair to pull her against him as their mouths met again in a rush of sudden passion and longing neither was able to ignore. It lasted not long, yet it felt like eternity, and as he finally pulled away, he lifted his free hand to brush a single tear from her cheek.
“Happy Birthday.”
She didn’t smile. She didn’t dare to, for fear it would lose something she never would be able to control again. He nodded again, as if in silent confirmation, then took one of her hands, raising it to his lips to kiss it.
“Until the next time, Xena.”
Then he was gone.
Leaving behind the still present scent of the sea they had been standing at, of the roses surrounding them, of the distinctive smell of his leathers that would imprint itself forever in her mind.
Like the last candlemarks she had spent with him.
Leaving behind him the dawn to a new day, and as she looked out into it, she felt something inside herself settle again.
Strong. Independent. Invincible.
She smiled, closing her eyes, taking a deep breath.
‘Until the next time…’
The End