By D.C. Parker
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Disclaimer: Xena Warrior Princess, it’s characters and all related materials are the property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures.
Those lucky dudes.
Character uses are for entertainment only, not to hurt any rights. As always.
Xena’s POV.: On the verge of war against the Horde, the warrior thinks about how her friend doesn’t seem to realize what truly is happening to her.
***
‘She knows nothing!’
I enter the command room, slamming the door shut behind me. My head hurts real bad, it has been that way the whole day now, and I grind my teeth together as another wave of nausea rolls over me. I barely manage to reach the table were the map is, leaning heavily on it as my legs are about to give out.
‘She knows nothing!’
Gabrielle is my guiding light. She has always been, from the very first moment we met. Whenever I am scared, or hurt, or lonely, I can always count on her being there for me, supporting me, somehow making things right again. She always understands…at least I thought she did. Until we came here. Until today.
My eyes burn as I search the room for the pitcher of wine one of my men has brought me earlier. I find it, and walk slowly over, limping heavily, feeling a pain in my body that hasn’t been there before I went in search of her. The moment she accused me, confronted me, questioned me, I could feel something tighten in my chest. It felt like thousands of blades slashed through my heart, making it hurt, making it so hard for me to breathe I actually feared I would collapse in front of her.
‘She knows nothing!’
I fill the goblet standing next to the pitcher, my hands shaking while I do, and then lift it to my lips, gulping down its contents in one long swallow. Another follows, but instead of it making me relax a little, every drop that I taste on my lips makes my eyes burn more, my headache worse, my nausea almost unbearable.
She has been with me for so many moons now. How can she not understand?! That girl has seen so many parts of me, the light moments of joy, and the many deep, brooding moods I tend to fall into whenever something reminds me of the things I have done. The times I hurt so bad I can’t even speak, the times I feel the darkness descending on me so heavily I can’t even stand up straight. And she has always been there. Always.
‘She knows nothing!’
“What’s going on with you?”
That question was like a stab into my chest. Nothing…nothing at all. I am still the same person, am I not? Still the warrior, still fighting for the Greater Good, still her friend…
A searing pain in my head again, and this time I can’t stand any longer. I groan, and sink down to my knees, ripping the pitcher of the table as I fall.
“I can’t believe this Xena. You’re scaring me.”…
‘She knows nothing!’
Scaring her…scaring her…can’t she see? That I am more scared of myself than she is? I have seen so much blood in my past, so much pain and death I will never be able to erase from my memory. But this…now…scares me more than anything else I have ever seen…
“You’re scaring me.”…
I groan again as I try to get up, the sudden numbness that starts consuming my body stopping me. Instead I let myself sink down until I am laying on the floor. The cool stone and wood is roughly scratching my back, and I can feel wetness on the skin of my hand as I let the goblet go, the last drops of wine slowly spilling out of it. I can feel wetness on my cheeks as well. And the burning in my eyes intensifies as I stare up at the ceiling.
“So I can be a murderer too?!”
It hurts. Not what she said. I know she is right. I am a murderer. It’s…how she said it. Her voice sounded so strange…so far away…so full of fear and…hatred, perhaps?
‘She knows nothing!’
I close my eyes, fighting down the nausea that once again tries to come up my throat, tries to make my stomach turn. I bite my tongue so hard I can taste blood in my mouth.
I can feel it…and this feeling…I know it better than anything else in the world. That deep, cold darkness that slowly starts to close in on my awareness. That electrical energy that is so…tempting. It feels good, knowing I still have that in me, that it is there, the part that…what did I say to her?...
“It’s just a part of me I didn’t think I need anymore.”
No…not just some part of me. It’s…there…alive and breathing. I can feel it. It’s close. Too close…
“You’re scaring me.”…
‘She knows nothing!’
How can she be so blind?! Can’t she see how scared I am? Can’t she see how I fear for losing myself, the self I just got back, with every step I take deeper into that fight? Can’t she feel what I do? The darkness, the cold, the hate consuming me again…
How could I let this happen? How can I let it go on? Why is there no way to stop it? Why isn’t she helping me?!
Behind my closed eyes pictures start to swirl, visions of me, my past, of the warrior I used to be before I met her. I was so…strong…invincible…free. And suddenly, the thought of me turning back to who I was feels…alluring. The Xena I used to be would never have been questioned by anyone. The Xena I used to be would have just killed all those bastards and have done with it. The Xena I used to be would never have been laying here, sick and tired, and crying, because of a little girl that all of a sudden hates her…
“Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena!...”
Now there is a thin smile on my lips. I can still hear them chanting my name. Gods…it feels so…good to hear that again. To know they want me, need me, trust me, fear me…
“What happened to the Xena I know?!...”
I wish I could tell her that…I don’t know myself anymore. I open my eyes again. How can I explain what I don’t understand myself? How can I tell her that the pain I have to feel every day is too much to bear? That I’d rather just turn from it all, take this army and just…leave. Go to a land where nobody knows who I am. Go back to what I was, to the woman I know, whom I feel comfortable with. Go somewhere where I can be what I truly am. A murderer…like she said. I won’t ever be able to change that. I am lost…
“If losing her is the price for saving us all, I’ll pay it.”
‘She knows nothing!’
Finally, I am able to get up. My head hurts. My legs hurt. Everything hurts. And still, I manage to get moving, stumbling over to the small bucket standing on the other side of my room, splashing water on my face. Then I look up, meeting hollow, cold blue eyes in the half broken, dirty mirror on the wall in front of me.
“If losing her is the price for saving us all, I’ll pay it.”
I remember that face. The hard lines to it, the pale skin, the dark circles. I have known it for years, seen it every time I looked into a mirror. And yet I see…something of that new self that had started to emerge. It’s not much…just a small glint…but there is still…something.
“You’re scaring me.”
I know. Believe me, Gabrielle. I know how scared you are. I can see it in the pale eyes staring back at me. But I can’t fight it anymore. Too much of my past has been brought back by those damn bastards. Too much of my darkness suddenly fills my soul. And I’m sorry Gabrielle, so damn sorry. It’s too much. Too much…
I hear yelling outside. I groan, and shake my head slowly.
So it’s starting again.
I turn, walking towards the door. Knowing the moment I am stepping outside, the moment I will face my men, I will lose yet one more piece of the light she has given me. I know she will leave me if I keep doing that. I understand…
Why can’t she?! Understand that I am too weak to fight the darkness any longer? Understand that with her hating me, fearing me…I am, truly, lost forever?!
All she sees is the warrior façade. A woman that fights until the end. A woman that is willing to give everything up. A bloodthirsty murderer that won’t stop, ever, until every last one of them is dead. She doesn’t even try to look behind that, does she?
“What’s going on with you?”…
‘She knows nothing!’