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Disclaimer: Xena Warrior Princess, it’s characters and all related materials are the property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures.
Those lucky dudes.
Character uses are for entertainment only, not to hurt any rights. As always.
Warning: We are talking about Xena here guys…so there is always the chance of something dangerous happening, in one way or the other ☺.
Anyway, this scene is about two women finally getting a clue about what the rest of the world has known long before them. So if you are under 18 years old, or this kind of story is forbidden where you live, please do not read it.
Or move… ;)
Xena’s POV: On her way to Chin, the Warrior find herself caught in yet another night tormented by thoughts of the past and the woman that laid claim to her heart.
***
The growling of a thunderstorm in the distance, wind ripping at my hair, salty rain water lashing against my face with so much force it is close to hurting. The smell of earth, so close yet too far away to reach. And the pure surge of adrenaline that crawls over my skin the moment the storm hits the ship, and you don’t know if you might be able to fight through this one more time.
Once, all of those things were what made me breathe.
Once, all of those things made me feel alive.
Once, the excitement of traveling the oceans to unknown lands and unknown destiny was what gave my heart a reason to beat.
Not tonight.
Tonight, all of this leaves me torn, and empty, and filled with a dull pain I have no idea how to heal again.
Tonight, I barely notice the cold of the wind, or the angry marks left behind by black strands of hair biting into my skin.
Tonight, all I notice is the taste of salt on my lips.
And the pain. Only the pain. Nothing more.
I can still hear her voice, one moment sweet as a silent whisper, the next louder than the roaring storm surrounding me, begging me, pleading, screaming inside my head.
I can still hear her. Telling me she doesn’t understand. Telling me how much this hurts her. Accusing me of leaving her behind just like that.
‘You owe someone so much – that you would just throw away these last few years?’
‘Yes.’
Gabrielle.
Gabrielle…how could I do this to her?
I should have told her more. Explain to her what Lao Ma truly meant to me. Explain to her how much she truly saved me.
I never meant to hurt her.
Gabrielle…she knows I wouldn’t leave her behind would there have been another choice, does she?
The look she gave me broke my heart.
I know it hurt her. She has no idea how well I understand the pain she must feel right now. It’s the same I feel. Mine even more intense than the one ripping at her soul.
Because I haven’t told her everything.
Because I have left things undone.
Because I lied to her…
Being on the way to Chin now, the memories are like a giant tidal wave, crashing in on me with all the mighty force of nature, and I am left helpless in their grasp. I remember how we met, what Lao Ma taught me, how she tried to save my life.
And I do remember that one night.
The night when Borias had long left after we had made mad passionate love on that wooden floor and I sat inside that pool again, slowly washing my sweating body, the thoughts in my head swirling so fast it short of made me sick to my stomach.
We had set up a plan already, Borias and I. And the evil part of me, the part I still believed ruled my very being, was already sharpening its weapons, barely able to hold back a triumphant snarl at the rising lust for Ming’s blood on its tongue.
But there had been something else. Something nagging at me, at the far back of my mind, tugging at my heart, whispering to me words I couldn’t understand nor make out at all.
There had been something. Something…
“Are you leaving?”
Her voice washed over my shoulders like the smooth feel of velvet, caressing my soul, mending my raging heart, leaving a trail of tingling shivers in its wake.
I turned around then, the warm water lapping against my suddenly burning skin I looked up into those deep, mysterious eyes that somehow had caught a part of me from the very first moment.
“Of course not.” My voice was so weak it was almost breaking on that lie. She didn’t answer, just kept looking at me, and I could feel it reaching all the way inside.
“I still have to learn to control my desire, don’t I?” And I tried a seductive smile that failed me so miserably I was afraid I was blushing from it.
I don’t know what had changed. But something was there, in her eyes, something darker than usual, something feral, something dangerous. Her body seemed restless and strained, and only when I chanced a closer look did I realize her hands were shaking.
And as I looked into her eyes again I could see her make a decision.
And I could see fire there, flickering to life so suddenly it robbed me of my breath.
“Not tonight.”
The soft silk she wore barely made a sound as it fell from her body, pooling around her feet on the floor.
She was so beautiful. Her skin almost white, like the fine porcelain she had shown me, and the golden light from the candles her servants had lit for me graced her lithe body with a godlike glow. She looked so fragile, so vulnerable it pierced my heart, and yet the strength and power I knew she possessed lured me in, made every nerve in my body sing with energy, made everything else around us vanish in a blur of desire and heat.
I remember holding my breath, even after she had entered the tub next to me, had slowly come closer to me, and in a movement so slow I might as well just have imagined it sealing our trembling lips in a searing kiss.
The moment she touched me was the moment I realized how much she truly had changed me.
I had kissed so many others before, both in passion and emotion, but never, never before had it felt like this. Never before had it reached my heart.
“I love you, Xena.”
Those words whispered against my mouth gave me back the need for air, coming out on a loud gasp, and a choked moan as her hand slowly wandered down over my shoulder.
I had never touched a woman before.
But I wanted to touch her. I wanted it so bad it hurt, and suddenly the little distance between our bodies seemed to me like an abyss keeping me from what was my destiny.
Everything about that woman spoke of gentleness and grace, but not that night. That night, she met my deepest passions and darkest desires stroke by stroke, every single one of her touches making me crave for more, every single kiss leaving me afraid of dying without it as soon as it ended, every single moan burning itself into my soul for all eternity.
I couldn’t have stopped her, even if I wanted to.
But I didn’t.
I wanted her to have me, take me, make me hers.
Her lust for my body overruled everything else, and I gladly went along.
That night, she truly was my queen, and I was her obeying slave.
She took all I had to offer, and I gave it to her willingly.
And when we had quieted our hunger, still in the now cold water, fingers still slowly playing through the smooth, hot wetness between our legs, I fell into her eyes again, and smiled. Not challenging, or nasty, or seductive, but warm, and gentle. Something I thought I had long forgotten how to do.
“I love you too, Lao Ma.”
She smiled at me through tears of joy.
Yet her eyes were sad.
Her free hand came up, a finger slowly caressing my cheek, her dark eyes smoldering with heat and loss just the same.
“You don’t know how to love Xena. Not here, not now. But one day, you will…”
It almost tore me apart…
Gabrielle…I wish I would have told her that. Or shouldn’t I? Would she understand right away what I needed years for?
I was angry once, for a long time, for Lao Ma not taking what I said for the truth. Today, I know that somewhere deep inside me, I knew it to be a lie even then.
Because today, I finally understand what she was saying.
I understand that what I felt when riding away from that palace so many years ago was nothing compared to the pain I felt when leaving Gabrielle behind.
I wish I had told her the truth. That Lao Ma had freed my heart. That she had given me hope. That she had showed me how love could change your soul, even if just for the barest of moments.
She showed me that I wasn’t completely lost.
Gabrielle.
I wish I had told her what she truly means to me. That what Lao Ma once promised me would happen one day did the very first time I looked into her eyes.
I am in love with her.
I can feel it to the farthest reaches of my soul.
And with leaving her I have destroyed every chance of her feeling the same for me in return.
I have hurt the one woman that was ever able to truly claim my heart.
And it hurts.
So much so that I want to die…