Disclaimer:
This has no Violence or sex in this. It is just made up of thoughts. This is written for every woman out there who ever wondered about her life and what if things had been different. Please let me know what you think. Feedback is always welcomed.
By Debbie Dee
I’m sitting here again as I always do everyday looking out the window, thinking of the way my life has turned out. This is not how I pictured my life. I dreamed of being a lawyer, a veterinarian, or even a writer. I always dreamed of being somebody and doing something great with my life. But it never happened. I got married instead and had kids. I ended up living my life for them and never doing anything for myself. That is what I have always been told. Be the good little wife and make sure I always have a clean house, clean dishes, and clean clothes. In addition, always make sure my husband never had to do anything for himself at home. I am there to wait on him and make sure the kids do not make too much noise around him. Always make sure I live for my husband and my kids. Never me.
Therefore, that is what I did. I was a good wife and mother. I made sure everything was done. I never bothered my husband with little things the kids did, with bills or worried him when things started to fall apart. I always took care of it myself because I was being the good wife. Now the kids are grown and departed living their own lives. However, I am still here. I love my family but what do I do now.
My life is going nowhere. Now I just exist. I am not in the best of health anymore and would really like more help with things now. I feel that I am nothing but a slave to my husband. I am such a good wife that he now still thinks he doesn’t have to do anything. No matter how much I talk to him and ask for help nothing works, nothing helps. He might get better for a while but then it goes right back to the way things were. I ask myself time and again why did I do everything? Why didn’t I make him help me? Why did I make his life so simple while I made mine a nightmare?
It was because I was being the good wife.
So as my husband sits and watches TV, complaining that nothing is on and he is bored and asking what is for supper, I wonder about my life. Is this what it is all about? What would life have been like if I had really gotten to do, as I wanted to do? What if I really had gotten to show my feelings of who I really am instead of being the good daughter and marrying a man like I was supposed too and making my family happy? I love my husband, or I did, and my children are my life. But I wonder if I’d had the freedom to be me would I have had the courage to carry it out.
I wish that I had the courage to have shown my best friend at the time what my true feelings were for her. Instead, I did what was expected of me because I could not show my family my true self and risk losing them. Therefore, I took my true self and buried it, way down deep inside. So deep that now I don’t know who I am anymore. I have lived life through my family for so long I don’t know how to live life for me anymore.
So I sit here and think and wonder and dream. If I had just had the courage, would I be happy with the feeling of love that only that special person could give me? Instead, I sit here wondering if I am going crazy? Wondering if this will be my life a month or a year from now? Will it always be the same? Me doing everything and waiting on him all the time. I feel as if the world is spinning out of control. That if I just let myself go I will fall apart. It is as if I’m shaking inside but I’m trying to hide it. That if I tell people the true way I feel they will think I’m crazy. So I hide my feelings and just smile and joke and act like everything is ok.
Nevertheless, it is not really ok and I have no place to go and no one to talk to, that can help me. Therefore, I just live in my own little world as I am slowly losing my grip on the reality of this world. Moreover, no one around me sees it because they are in their own little world too. Thus, I wait for my body to slowly fall apart because the stress is getting to me and no one hears my screams for help. They don’t listen when I try and tell them what is happening to me.
They think I am just tried and depressed that things will be ok because I have always been there for them. I have always been the strong one. Now I need someone to lean on. I need someone strong to be there for me, but I’m alone. And so, I just sit here waiting for the world to leave me behind. Waiting for the world to go on without me because I did what I was supposed to do. I am the good wife and daughter. I did my duty and made my family proud. And for that…for that I paid with my life.
The End