Emotions provoked at the end of the Season One episode DEATH
IN CHAINS lead Xena to reflect on what she’s lost, discovered and gained.
WELL, LYCEUS
By
IseQween
January
2008
"Since you've been gone, I kind of lost my way. Now, I found it. I thought I could start over.
But no, they don't trust me. Not
even Mother. I can't blame her. She can't see into my heart. But I've got to believe that you can. And I wish you were here. It's hard to be alone."
"You're not alone."
-- Xena to Lyceus at his tomb, answered by Gabrielle, in SINS OF
THE PAST
Well, Lyceus, I did it
again. You warned me. Bellos was the first. Remember?
Idiot dwarfed me, but I wouldn't let him bully Seneas. Typical of the others I took on. You'd be so afraid they'd hurt me. "Xena! Have you lost your
mind?!" Except, I saw pride too. The shine in your eyes. "That's my big sister." Heh, couldn't fool me. Just like I couldn't fool you. And I never wanted to make one of you. Too bad it didn't stop me from doing it to
myself.
All those years plundering
like a madwoman. Throwing myself into
battles I had no business winning.
Getting cozy with snakes.
Traipsing around the world with a chip on my shoulder. Discovering too late it'd become a
boulder. Weighing me down for the rest
of my days. Pfft. Doesn't compare to
the ball and chain I've got tied to me now.
That girl who came to your
tomb? Caught me talking to you? Still here, like she said. Her bedroll right next to mine. Took awhile, but she seems to be sleeping
okay. Been a rough day for her. She lost a friend. Only knew him a few days, but not someone you could easily
forget. Talus. A good soul, taken by Death far too young .… Huh.
Guess that's why it kinda got to me too. Why I've been sitting here staring at the fire. Thinking of you.
It started out like a
typical enough caper. Well, the chasing
bad guys part. People not dying put a
different spin on things. And Hades
showing up. Telling me his sister
Celesta – aka Death – had been captured by King Sisyphus. You know my attitude about the gods. Surprised I'd agree to help them, huh? Thing is, the favor wasn't just for
them. Mortals do need Death’s hand for
relief from pain and suffering. Not to
mention from the bad guys popping back up after I'd gutted `em.
I go off to free
Celesta. Gabrielle's supposed to stay
at a hospital with Talus. Naturally
she didn't. Don't ask. Let's just say she's as good at following
orders as you were. And as prone to
worry about me when she needn't. She
found out I'd die if Death touched me.
Like I wouldn't know that. Can't
be too hard on her though. She's only
begun to learn about me. To see for
herself how far my world extends.
Olympus being one of many realms where I have … "fans."
So Gabrielle and Talus show
up at Sisyphus' castle. They get
separated. That's when I catch him
bending over in pain. He was dying. Gabrielle didn't know. Not until after I'd kicked butt and freed
Celesta. Oh, the look on Gabrielle's
face when Death said she'd be taking, not Sisyphus, but Talus. The grief.
The love and compassion. I felt
it too. And remembered.
Blood oozing from your
chest. Me, desperately trying to stop
it. Begging you not to go. Bereft of the one person who believed in
me, in the need to defend our home.
Alone with the awfulness that it's why you followed me into battle. Watching Talus go with Celesta …. The way he turned to smile at us? Lyceus, he was so much like you! Such grace and courage. Unafraid it was too
soon. Both of you, in your few years,
already having given so much more than you took. At peace. Wanting us to
be as well.
Humph, you chided me for
all my weeping and gnashing of teeth.
"No time for sissies, Sis.
I held up my end. Go hold up
yours." Yeah. I did all right. Then buried what you should've meant to me. Hung on instead to the bitterness and
guilt. Sure, I stopped fearing death
too. But not for the same reason. Without you, I stopped valuing life. Stopped caring about mine or anyone
else's. Talus brought it all back. When his face suddenly became yours ….
Not sure if I would've
focused on myself as usual …. You know,
the emotions I'd pushed away for so long.
Missing you. Missing what I gave
up because you died …. Anyway, I'm
looking at him, when next thing I know, Gabrielle's turned to me. For solace.
Whew. Talk about catching me off
guard. What I felt about you? Wasn't all I'd distanced myself from. If anybody depended on me, it’d better be
for a good sword arm. That’s how I
wanted it. Assumed I had little else to
give anyway, not tainted with blood or selfish desire. Yet there's Gabrielle, acting as if I
did. See? You in a skirt. With
better legs.
Know what's even
scarier? Not death. I mean, I do fear it again. After Hercules, I hoped for suns enough to
pay at least a little toward the bad I’d done. Yet here’s this kid, basically saying there’s more to it than
that. Convinced I actually have
something else to give. Something she
wanted. Needed. Forcing me to search for it no matter what I
thought. Maybe quiet, sad or joyful
moments I’m not supposed to waste or dismiss.
Chances to share somebody else's burdens. Things I’d forgotten ….
When Talus disappeared with
Celesta – Lyceus, he left me holding Gabrielle. And her, me. A … promise
… in a way, like you were. That I
wasn’t alone. As if, by accepting her,
I could finally let you go. Release
myself as well from the dark place I’ve kept you. Your soul shining in mine as it should’ve so long ago. Weird, huh? I mean, if I do – you know, let Gabrielle in – it could mean
having you more the way you wanted. And
deserve. Neither of us so worried about
what might come of me by myself. Maybe
then you could …. You could truly rest
… in peace … .
Ah. Sorry.
Told myself I'd never cry again.
Saw it as a weakness before.
Figured now I had no right.
Guess that's gone too. Don’t
seem to have much choice. All those
tears unshed. For you. Me.
Everyone I’ve harmed. A well,
Lyceus. So full and … . Ahhhh ….
S'okay. You always could coax me out of my
moods. Another thing Gabrielle's good
at. Listening with her heart. Talks more than you though. Probably a good thing. Makes up for all those words stored up in
me too. Gotta be careful. Let them out in dribbles. Can't have the flood drown her. Or me.
Lucky she has your sense of humor.
Your way of taking the edge off, making everything around her brighter. Even me.
We'll see how it goes. As for you, you'll always be with me. Except not
chained anymore to saving me from myself. Not that I don’t still need it.
Those bullies I used to whomp?
After I became an even worse one myself …. Ah, the freedom, Lyceus.
To do, to go or take whatever you want.
No heart vulnerable to mortal cares.
Oblivious to spinning out of control ….
Mmmm …. The feel of a god in
your blood? Once it’s there ….
What I’m saying is, for now I’ve got another hardheaded tagalong
to help me stay grounded, on the straight and narrow. Someone else whose eyes shine when she looks at me. Tempering those urges –
that exhilaration – of a past with no restraints. A link to memory and promise honored before your big sis lost her
way. Pfft, only a few weeks with
Gabrielle, I’ve done what makes us both wonder if I've lost my mind. Keeping her around – humph, more accurately,
letting her stay – proves I already have, eh?
Lost my mind?
Oh, well. Now that’s settled, guess I can hit the
sack. Maybe lie a little closer to my
young friend tonight, just in case.
Somehow I think she'll like that.
You used to. Oh, don’t give me
that. When else did you ever know me to
“sleep walk?” Fine, so I'm nuts. Nothing new about that. Except it's not so bad this time. A "good" nuts? Heh, chew on that for a while, little
brother. A substitute for my old
fare. And better tasting, hmmm?
Be well, Lyceus.
Me? Well, Lyceus. Better than I've been in quite some
time.
X
“Most people think of death as the end – when, in fact, death can be the beginning -- of a wonderful tale.” -- Gabrielle, introducing her story of Celesta’s capture, in ATHENS CITY ACADEMY OF THE PERFORMING BARDS