by
Disclaimer 1: The characters used in this script were created by Rob Tapert and John Schulian, developed by R.J. Stewart, and are owned by MCA/Universal/Ren Pics.
Disclaimer 2: Democracy was only slightly critiqued in the writing of this script.
Summary: The Little Tyrant takes place after Xena has come back from the dead. Joxer and Discord have also come back (it's all a long story which I may one day write). Discord tries to get back at Xena for lopping off her head by giving Gabrielle the Apple of Discord. The Little Tyrant is written like a TV episode.
Main characters:
Xena
Gabrielle
Joxer
Discord
Aphrodite
Scene: Mount Olympus . Aphrodite is lounging on a couch in a lavish room. Discord walks in.
Discord: Ah, Aphrodite, just the god I want to see.
Aphrodite: Sorry, Discord, whatever horrible disease you've contracted, I can't cure it.
Discord: I'd love to stand here and trade insults, dear sister, but I've got better things to do.
Aphrodite: Like waxing your back?
Discord: Hey, every woman has those rogue hairs and don't pretend that you're any different, but anyway, look what I've found. ( Reveals an apple .)
Aphrodite: ( Sits up in alarm .) The Apple of Discord. What are you going to do with that?
Discord: Spread peace and love throughout the world. What do you think?
Aphrodite: Don't you ever get sick of being like a way total bitch?
Discord: No. Now, I've got some unfinished business with Xena and her irritating blonde sidekick.
Aphrodite: You leave Gabrielle alone.
Discord: You say that as if I'm going to listen to you. ( Holds up apple .) Just a bite on this little bad girl and dear sweet Gabrielle will turn into a power hungry evil tyrant.
Aphrodite: A bit like you then.
Discord: Complimenting me won't help Gabrielle. But the best part of my plan is that when poor little Gabby comes to her senses, she'll see the havoc she's caused and...
Aphrodite: I'm not going to let you do it.
Discord: I thought you'd say something like that. That's why I have taken precautions.
Aphrodite: That would be a first.
Discord: Boys!
Two buff men appear. One is carrying a set of heavy chains .
Discord: Wrap her up like a solstice day gift.
The two buff men wrap Aphrodite in chains.
Aphrodite: What's with the hostility?
Discord: You're not going anywhere, sweetie, and you're definitely not going to help your little blonde friend.
Aphrodite: The Chains of Hephaestus. Where did you find these?
Discord: Oh, just in the back of the closet. And speaking of the back of the closet, I'm off to find Xena and Gabrielle. ( Disappears .)
Aphrodite: Ooooh, this is so not fair. Oh hi, boys. Hmmm, wrapped in chains by two gorgeous men; there's good and bad in that.
Scene: A campsite by a lake. Late afternoon. We see a fire burning.
Xena: Gabrielle, I am not going to do that.
Gabrielle: If you love me you will.
Xena: Don't you dare give me that line.
Gabrielle: Well, it wouldn't kill you to broaden your horizons.
We pan to see Xena and Gabrielle standing and talking. Xena is holding two dead rabbits.
Xena: Hey, I kill ‘em and you cook ‘em, that's how it's always been. And I've killed these two rabbits, so you should be getting on that frying pan by now.
Gabrielle: I'm sorry but I have to go into the village before the shops close. I need new quills and scrolls. I've told you this, don't you ever listen?
Xena: I can go to the village.
Gabrielle: You don't know what sort to buy. It has to be the right type of scroll.
Xena: Hey, a scroll is a scroll.
Gabrielle: No it's not. You see, this is why I can't trust you.
Xena: Well, can't it wait until tomorrow?
Gabrielle: No, I've got ideas in my head and they must be written down now. Just roast the rabbits over the fire, you'll be fine.
Scene: The campsite. Later on. Xena is watching the two gutted rabbits roasting over the fire on a makeshift spit .
Xena: That wasn't so hard. Xena, you'll make a good wife yet.
Joxer appears from the trees .
Joxer: Hi, Xena.
Xena: Joxer, you have an uncanny ability to turn up just as we're cooking dinner. And you're meant to be meeting up with us in Demoscus tomorrow, not today.
Joxer: Oh, was that tomorrow? Well, now that I'm here I might as well stay.
Xena: I was planning a nice evening out under the stars with Gabrielle.
Joxer: Well, I'm here now and three's always better than two. I can tell stories about my mighty adventures. Wait a minute, why are you cooking? Where's Gabrielle?
Xena: Shhh, shut up.
Joxer: I was just asking.
Three marauders appear from the trees.
Xena: Marauders! Joxer, make sure they don't get the rabbits.
Joxer assumes a ‘none shall pass' stance by the rabbits.
Marauder 3: Well, well, well, that's what I call easy meat.
Main Titles.
Marauder 1: Hey, it's Xena!
Marauder 3: She'll kill us all. Let's get out of here.
Marauder 1: No wait. When I kill her, I'll be famous.
Marauder 2: No, I'm going to kill her, and then I'll be famous.
Xena: Normally I hate fighting on an empty stomach, but for you idiots, I'll make an exception.
While Xena beats up the marauders, Joxer manages to fall over himself and drop his sword, have his helmet twisted the wrong way around and run into a tree.
Marauder 3: Let's get out of here!
Xena: I thought you wanted to be famous?
Marauder 2: Fame changes you.
The marauders run away.
Xena: Joxer, as always, if it wasn't for your help I would have won that fight in half the time.
Joxer: Thanks. Who were those guys?
Xena: Marauders.
Joxer: What were they doing?
Xena: Marauding. There isn't much law around at the moment, most of the Roman soldiers that were garrisoned here are away sorting out problems in Dalmatia , and some lowlifes take advantage of that. I hope Gabrielle is safe. I shouldn't have let her gone off on her own.
Scene: The village of Demoscus . Late afternoon. Gabrielle is walking through the village square. She has her new scrolls and quills. She hears villagers talking.
Villager 1: Another family was attacked by marauders today. We need a strong leader to deal with them. The Romans won't help us.
Villager 2: But nobody's standing for the village election.
Villager 1: Something has to be done. If we don't get organised we'll always be living in fear.
Village 2: Yes, but no one will stand for mayor knowing full well that they'll have to face...
Village 1: Shhh! Don't mention that.
Gabrielle walks by a woman selling fruit .
Woman: Ah, the wandering bard. You must be hungry.
Gabrielle: Yeh, those apples look nice. I'll buy half a dozen; no wait, Joxer is due to turn up looking for food, better make it a dozen.
Woman: Good choice. These apples were picked today. Hey, I know you must get this all the time, but I'd be ever so grateful if you could sign my copy of one of your poems. It's my favourite. I have it right here. I always carry it around with me for inspiration.
Gabrielle: Sure, no problem. ( Signs poem .)
Woman: Thanks so much. I am such a fan of your work. The apples are free. Here's a nice crunchy one.
Gabrielle: Thanks. ( Walks away eating the apple .)
Woman: Don't mention it, blondie. ( Turns into Discord .) I love my work.
Scene: At the campsite. Later on.
Xena: I'm worried, Gabrielle's late.
Joxer: Now how is that possible?
Xena: No, I mean she's late back from the village. I'm going to look for her.
Joxer: Do you want me to come with you? You could use my mighty blade.
Xena: I think you'd be more useful watching those rabbits. Make sure they don't burn. Rotate them. I'll be back soon.
Scene: Beside a field containing a flock of sheep. Sunset. Gabrielle is addressing them.
Gabrielle: Friends, Greeks, countrymen, lend me your ears. We must rise as one and vanquish our foes. We must show them no mercy, for mercy is the weakness which brings down the scourge of the barbarians upon this land. Who's with me?
Xena walks up to Gabrielle.
Xena: Gabrielle?
Gabrielle: Hello.
Xena: We have to get back to camp; I'm sure Joxer will forget to rotate. By the way, what are you doing, working on a story?
Gabrielle: I'm raising an army.
Xena: Of sheep?
Gabrielle: Hey, they're obedient and they'll follow me wherever I go.
Xena: Have you taken a knock to the head?
Gabrielle: Of course not. Can't a man raise an army? First I'll take over Greece , and then the world. I'll take on the Roman Empire and then the Persian Empire and then China , and then I'll sit down and have a cup of tea.
Xena: Gabrielle, who do you think you are?
Gabrielle: I'm a man of destiny, a man of passion, a man who will one day conquer the world. Although I think I'll need more sheep. But my question for you is, who are you?
Ad Break.
Scene: Campsite. Nightfall. Gabrielle and Xena approach the campsite. Joxer is pretending to defeat invisible villains.
Joxer: Haha! ( Brandishes his sword .) Take that, you marauders. Feel the wrath of my blade, scoundrels. Run like the cowards you are, bandits.
Gabrielle: Who's this idiot?
Xena: I see your memories have not all gone.
Joxer: Oh hi, Xena. ( Sheepishly .) I was just practicing dispatching bandits.
Xena: Joxer, you couldn't dispatch a message.
Joxer: Sorry, the rabbits got burnt on one side. I guess I forgot to rotate. Oh hi, Gab.
Gabrielle: Who are you?
Joxer: It's me, your pal Joxer.
Xena: Gabrielle, why don't you sit by the fire? Joxer, can I have a word?
Xena and Joxer go off to talk.
Xena: Gabrielle's lost her memories. She thinks she's some wannabe warlord.
Joxer: How did that happen?
Xena: I don't know. But it must have something to do with the village she visited today. We'll go in tomorrow and see what we can find out. She might remember something.
Joxer: How come these things keep happening to us?
Xena: I don't know, it's just how we live.
Scene: Inside the Marauders' hideout. Later that same night. Discord is talking to the marauders.
Discord: Well that was a pretty sorry display. I thought you guys were tough.
Marauder 1: You never told us Xena was going to be in the area.
Discord: She's only one woman.
Marauder 2: That's like saying Goliath was only one giant.
Discord: Okay, I'm a fair-minded god, I'll give you a job that you can handle. The village has a big harvest due, but you are going to dig up all their vegetables. Now, can you handle digging up vegetables?
Marauder 3: But what if Xena turns up?
Discord: Here's some inside information on Xena, she's a strong right-handed fighter, but her left side is very weak, now go deal to those vegetables.
Marauders 1: Yes, Discord.
Marauders exit.
Discord: I love it when a good plan comes together.
Scene: The road leading to Demoscus. Morning. Gabrielle, Xena and Joxer are walking and talking. Marauders are raiding crops in the nearby fields.
Gabrielle: And then after China we'll cross over to Japan , and who knows what's beyond there.
Xena: Gabrielle, I really think you should ... what's going on here? ( To marauders ) You again. I'm getting tired of kicking your arses.
Marauder 1: Xena, we know your weakness.
Xena: Hey, I haven't had chocolate all week.
Gabrielle: Stand back, Xena, the men are fighting. I don't want you getting a scratch on your pretty little face.
Xena: What?
Gabrielle: This is men's business. ( Adjusts herself. ) Come on, you scoundrels. Let's have ya.
Xena and Gabrielle fight the marauders and beat them.
Xena: I thought you knew my weakness? You're attacking my left side, don't you know that's my strongest side?
Marauder 1: We were misinformed.
Marauders run away.
Gabrielle: You fight well for a woman.
Xena: You know I'm getting a little tired of your...
Joxer: Xena, remember it's not the real Gabrielle.
Gabrielle: Of course I'm the real Gabrielle. Are you telling me there's an imposter masquerading as me? I bet it's the Romans. You just can't trust them. We'll march on Rome forthwith. We'll cross the Rubicon; the die is cast!
Xena: Will you calm down.
A woman runs up to the group.
Woman: I recognise those people. They're from a neighbouring village.
Gabrielle: Is that right? We must attack this village forthwith. The die is cast!
Xena: Are you crazy? You can't attack a whole village just because a few of them are thugs.
Gabrielle: I can and I will. I'll raise an army.
Xena: You can't do that.
Gabrielle: Xena, you're a woman and therefore soft and gentle, and you just don't understand the hard facts of life. But sometimes a man has to fight the good fight. ( Adjusts herself and starts walking .)
Xena: What are you adjusting?
Woman: What are you going to do now, Xena?
Xena: Who are you?
Woman changes into Discord.
Discord: Discord's the name.
Joxer: Discord!
Joxer runs at Discord but is flung back by a bolt of lightning.
Joxer: I hate it when she does that.
Xena: Joxer, look after Gabrielle. ( To Discord .) I should have known you'd be behind this. It has your horrid stench all over it. What do you want?
Discord: I'm just doing my job. Dear Gabrielle will raise a militia and then attack the neighbouring village, many innocent people will be senselessly slaughtered and you won't be able to stop it. And then poor little Gabby will come to her senses and be quite devastated by the havoc she's caused.
Xena: It won't be her fault.
Discord: And will she see it that way? And will all those grieving villagers see it that way?
Xena: Why are you doing this?
Discord: It's my nature; I'm existentially bound to spread discordant behaviour.
Xena: You're still annoyed I lopped your head off aren't you?
Discord: Admittedly, that might be a contributing factor.
Xena: So why are you telling me your plan?
Discord: Because Alpha, you can't do a thing about it anyway, and Beta, I want to watch you try to stop me and then fail miserably. It amuses me.
Discord laughs and disappears. Xena looks around.
Xena: Gabrielle?
Scene: Demoscus. Late morning. Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer are walking along a street.
Xena: Gabrielle, I'm telling you, you're not yourself.
Gabrielle: Nonsense. I've never felt more like myself. I feel as if a great burden has been lifted from my shoulders and I'm now free to seek power and glory. This is an excellent place to raise an army by the way. These fools will follow me anywhere. All I have to do is tell them what they want to hear and I'll have them eating out of my hand. Peasants are like that. Ah, look. ( Reads a notice on a shop wall .) This village elects its leaders. And there's an election soon.
Xena: So?
Gabrielle: You're looking at their next leader.
Xena: What?
Aphrodite's face appears in a barrel of water.
Aphrodite: Pssst, Xena!
Villager 1: ( To Xena .) Uh, I think that barrel of water is talking to you.
Xena: What? ( Walks to the barrel .)
Aphrodite: Xena!
Xena: Aphrodite?
Aphrodite: Gabrielle's in like way big trouble. Discord has given her the Apple of ... well Discord.
Xena: I know, Discord told me.
Aphrodite: Yeh, she's still like way PO 'd at you for decapitating her.
Xena: Hey, she ran at me with a sword. I was just defending myself. So why didn't you stop her?
Aphrodite: I wasn't even there, I stayed out of that fight.
Xena: No, I mean about the apple.
Aphrodite: Oh, because I'm a little tied up at the moment.
Xena: What's that supposed to mean?
Aphrodite: I've been wrapped in chains by two strong men.
Xena: I don't want to know.
Aphrodite: It's not like that, well not yet. But fingers crossed eh? Anyway, they're the Chains of Hephaestus, and as you well know, they can capture gods, ergo I can't move.
Xena: Can you get me up to Olympus so I can release you?
Aphrodite: Unlikely! Last time I took you to Olympus , you caused carnage. I still haven't managed to get poor Athena's blood out of the rug.
Xena: That wasn't my fault. They attacked me.
Aphrodite: Xena, it was a real tragedy for me. I really liked that rug. But I can't use my powers anyway; Chains of Hephaestus remember? So you're on your own until I can think of something really cleaver.
Xena: Then we're in big trouble.
Aphrodite: Ouchies! ( Distracted. ) Oh, you naughty boys.
Xena: Aphrodite, focus.
Aphrodite: That's easy for you to say, you're not seeing what I'm seeing.
Aphrodite disappears. Xena looks around.
Xena: Gabrielle?
Gabrielle has a crowd gathered and is standing on a box talking to them.
Gabrielle: This village deserves strong leadership, a man who will stand up and fight, not run away in fear.
Villager 1: We need protection from the marauders.
Gabrielle: My fellow citizens, if elected I will defeat all marauders, bandits, outlaws, thugs, crooks, ruffians and brigands.
Villager 2: What about thieves?
Gabrielle: I'll have them out as well. The countryside will be safe once again.
Crowd cheers.
Gabrielle: And your dear sweet little children will be able to play in the fields and pick summer flowers and ... stuff like that.
Crowd cheers.
Villager 2: At last, somebody's thinking of the children.
Gabrielle: Fear not, fellow citizens. We'll deal to those lowlifes. They are coming from a neighbouring village; I say we smash this village and teach it a lesson. We can't be soft.
Xena: Are you insane?
Gabrielle: No, but I will be leader when the elections are held.
Xena: Not if I can help it.
Gabrielle: What does that mean?
Xena: I'm standing against you for mayor of this town.
Gabrielle: But you're a woman. Do you dare to be the equal of a man?
Xena: No, of course not. I'm aiming a bit higher than that.
Ad Break.
Scene. Town hall. Early evening. A crowd has gathered to watch the candidates' debate. Gabrielle and Adjudicator stand on stage. Joxer watches from the crowd. Xena walks up to Joxer.
Xena: Joxer, it's your job to cheer for me and get the crowd on my side.
Joxer: Right. But why do you want to be mayor anyway?
Xena: If I'm mayor I can stop Gabrielle from raising a militia. Just remember to cheer.
Xena gets up on stage.
Adjudicator: Citizens, please. On stage stand the two candidates for mayor of Demoscus. Xena and...
Joxer: ( Cheers. ) Very well spoken!
Xena: Joxer, wait until I've said something first.
Joxer: Oh, okay.
Adjudicator: We'll let both the candidates have their say. Gabrielle, you can go first.
Gabrielle: Thank you. Fellow citizens of ( checks writing on her hand ) Demoscus, we live in dark times, very dark times, extremely dark times; we have many perils facing us on every side.
Xena: No we don't.
Adjudicator: Xena, you'll have your turn.
Gabrielle: We must defeat these perils before they defeat us. I stand for action, not talking; I stand for retribution, not cowardliness. I will make this village strong. The Romans won't protect us, but we can protect ourselves. We can organise a militia, we can destroy the neighbouring village. It's the only way to keep the children safe.
Xena: That's absurd. The way to deal with the marauders is to talk to the mayor of the neighbouring village.
Joxer: ( Standing and applauding. ) Yes! Go, Xena. Talk! That's a great idea. Talk! ( He realises that nobody else is cheering so sits back down .)
Xena: Violence isn't going to solve anything. We can resolve this situation peacefully.
Silence. Someone down the back coughs.
Xena: Oh come on.
Joxer: ( Stands up and applauds. ) Yay, Xena. Talk! ( Realises that everyone is silent so he sits down again. ) ( Quietly but defiantly .) Go, Xena.
Gabrielle: Talk? Talk? While our children are murdered in the fields? While it's unsafe for our women to walk the lanes. You want to talk?
Xena: How many children have actually been murdered in the fields?
Gabrielle: Xena is soft on crime. She'd have our enemies grow strong while we are weak. She'd have us cower in fear while our enemies advance with courage in their hearts.
Villager 3: Gabrielle's right. I don't want to live in fear anymore.
Xena: I understand your fears, but mindless retribution is not the way. Believe me, I've tried it and it doesn't work. We have to understand what...
Gabrielle: Here stands a woman well into her middle years; she's lost her fight.
Xena: I haven't lost my ... what do you mean well into my middle years? I'm only thirty-nine ... ish.
Gabrielle: Yes, and there's no man in the picture is there?
Xena: What's that got to do with anything?
Gabrielle: Makes you wonder doesn't it?
Xena: Wonder what?
Gabrielle: ( To audience. ) Maybe she's one of those.
Xena: Are you crazy?
Villager 1: Maybe Gabrielle's right, maybe Xena is one of those.
Villager 2: How dare you force your alternative lifestyle down our throats!
Xena: I'm just standing here; and what alternative lifestyle?
Gabrielle: Good people of Demoscus, the choice before you is clear. You either vote for a man of action, a man of valour, a man who's tough on crime, but thinks of the children, or you can throw away your vote on a woman who's soft on crime, of questionable virtue and, let's be honest, will not have any children.
Xena: That's crazy, she's crazy, you can't vote for her, she thinks she's a man.
Village 1: Yes, but she's tough on crime and I'm voting for him.
Village 2: Me too!
Crowd cheers for Gabrielle.
Scene: The village inn. Later that night. Xena is talking to Joxer at a table. Xena is downcast.
Xena: Joxer, how did I do?
Joxer: Do you want me to tell you the truth or do you want me to lie?
Xena: Lie.
Joxer: You were bad.
Xena: Hey, I told you to lie!
Joxer: I am lying, you were worse than bad, you stunk.
Xena: Why didn't you cheer for me?
Joxer: I tried to but you gave me nothing to work off. Nobody wants to vote for people who talk peace and reconciliation. They want action. Even I know that.
Xena: I don't get it, we were just passing through and now we're fighting an election. Don't these people want a leader from their own village? Wait a minute. ( To Barkeep. ) Hey, how come no one from this village is standing for these elections?
Barkeep: ( Nervous. ) Ah, no reason, no reason at all, why would there be a reason? ( Pretends someone is calling him. ) What's that? Coming! I have to go out back. ( Leaves. )
Xena: Strange man.
Gabrielle joins them.
Gabrielle: Xena, great debate wasn't it? I think it was dignified and productive. We stuck to the issues.
Xena: How is my age and lifestyle an issue? And believe me, you should look up the word ‘irony' in the dictionary.
Gabrielle: What you do in the privacy of your own campfire is of no concern to me, but it's an issue to these small-minded peasants. Listen, you're a nice lady and I'm going to help you out.
Xena: ( Sarcastic .) Oh thank you.
Gabrielle: There are two political systems in this world, a tyranny and a democracy, and both are managed by fear. You have to make the people afraid, otherwise they won't follow you.
Xena: And what if there's nothing to be afraid of?
Gabrielle: Then you invent something.
Xena: You don't care that lives will be lost?
Gabrielle: I am a man of destiny; these people are just peasants. Listen, sweetie, you're a good girl so I'm going to give you some advice.
Xena: ( Angry. ) Yeh, well I might give you some...
Joxer: Remember, Xena, it's not Gabrielle.
Gabrielle: Of course I'm Gabrielle. Is that imposter still around? Those Romans are crafty. But anyway, Xena, your problem is that you are appealing to the smart people. I appeal to the idiots, and we all know who won that debate. Now I'm going to bed, I've got a long day of campaigning ahead of me. The villagers vote tomorrow. Oh yeh, and you're never going to win the election.
Xena: Why not?
Gabrielle: You're not registered.
Gabrielle goes upstairs.
Joxer: How are you going to win this election, Xena?
Xena: I don't know. These people want action, not talk. I've exploited that attitude enough in my time.
Joxer: You mean your time as a vicious merciless warlord who murdered thousands of innocent people?
Xena: As always, Joxer, it's a pleasure to be reminded of those days.
Joxer: Oh okay, what about the time you beheaded...
Xena: Joxer! I was being sarcastic, you idiot.
Joxer: Well, how was I meant to know?
Xena: You're right, I blame myself. Irony is just too much for you too soon. Now, tomorrow I'm going to the neighbouring village to find out what I can about those marauders. And there's something fishy about this whole election. You stay here, register me for the election and look after Gabrielle. And try and put in a good word for me to the villagers.
Joxer: Right.
Xena: Can you do that?
Joxer: Of course.
Xena: ( Sceptical. ) Just give it your best shot. I wonder why no one else is standing in these elections.
Scene: Inside a warlord's tent in an army camp. Night. Drago the warlord is sitting down. His captain walks in.
Captain: Drago, it's true, the Roman's have left the region.
Drago: Good! The villages are defenceless. There's money to be made.
Captain: I also hear that Demoscus is holding democratic elections.
Drago: Democracy! I've told them I'll kill their next elected leader. They know I hate democracy. Tyrants should rule, not people.
Captain: How come the Romans let them hold elections?
Drago: The Romans don't care as long they pay their taxes and the mayor does what he's told. Speaking of taxes, with the Romans away, we'll collect taxes of our own. Tomorrow I want you to do the rounds of the villages.
Captain: As you command.
Drago: Tell me, what do you think of my tent?
Captain: It's a perfectly nice tent.
Drago: It just doesn't say anything. I think it needs something, a centrepiece. I know, and I'll put it right there. ( Points to the ideal spot. )
Captain: Put what there?
Drago: The head of the next elected mayor of Demoscus on a stick.
Ad Break
Scene: The village of Demoscus . Morning. Xena is talking to Joxer in the square.
Xena: Right, you go and register me for the election and I'll see what I can find out about the marauders.
Joxer: Okay.
Xena: Have you seen Gabrielle this morning?
Joxer: No, she got up early. She must be campaigning.
Xena: Find her and look after her. She's not well.
Xena rides off. A man runs to her.
Man: Xena! Xena!
Xena: ( Stopping. ) Yes?
Man: I just want to tell you that I agree with you. Starting wars is madness.
Xena: Great. Do you have a hundred friends who think exactly like you?
Man: No, I'm the only one. In fact I'm not even from here. I can't even vote.
Xena: So why are you telling me this?
Man: I just thought it might cheer you up. You took a beating in that debate last night.
Xena: Thanks.
Xena rides off. Joxer goes over to the official's table.
Joxer: I'd like to register Xena as a candidate for the election.
Official: Okay, and what's Xena's last name?
Joxer: ( Thinks for a moment .) I have no idea.
Scene: In the countryside. Late morning. Gabrielle is with a group of bare-chested men fixing a road in the hot sun. Gabrielle is also bare-chested. Xena rides up to them.
Xena: What's going on here?
Gabrielle: Ah, Xena. We're repairing this road. It's good old fashioned shirts off hard work. Men getting things done, and no women around to nag us.
Xena: Are you insane? ( To herself. ) What am I saying, of course she is. ( To villagers as she gets off her horse. ) And you people should be ashamed of yourselves. Can't you see she's not well?
Villager 1: But she's tough on crime.
Villager 2: And she's got great ink.
Gabrielle talks aside with Xena.
Gabrielle: This is brilliant. I just put in a few hours working with these fools and they think I'm a good person. It's great exposure.
Xena: You've got that right.
Gabrielle: Xena, this is what campaigning is all about, pretending that you care about the lives of these pathetic villagers. You should be doing it to. You know, you need some pointers.
Xena: I'm looking at some pointers all right. Go and put on your shirt.
Gabrielle: I'm telling you, Xena, you need to find a strategy because if the polls are right you need a big swing.
Xena: Oh there's plenty of swinging going on. Now put on a shirt.
Gabrielle: Yeh, it's about time I finished up here. ( To Villagers. ) Okay, boys, I gotta go back to the village to campaign. Remember to vote Gabrielle for vengeance, justice and glory. ( Puts on her shirt.)
Villager 1: Oh you've got my vote.
Gabrielle: Xena, where are you going?
Xena: ( Getting back on her horse. ) I've got things to do.
Villager 2: I might vote for you, Xena, if you take off your shirt. ( Villagers laugh .)
Xena gets off her horse and walks up to Villager 2.
Xena: I have two options before me. Either I knock out every last one of your rotten teeth, or I pretend that you didn't speak. Which one would you prefer?
Villager 2: Pretend.
Xena: Since I'm in a hurry I'll go along with that. ( Gets on her horse. ) And remember to vote Xena for non-violent solutions. ( Xena rides off. )
Scene: Olympus . Aphrodite is struggling against the chains without success. The two buff men impassively watch on.
Aphrodite: Oooh, this is such a way major bummer. Hello? Anybody? If Xena hadn't killed so many gods, somebody would have come along by now. ( To buff men. ) So boys, are you about to take advantage of a bound and helpless goddess?
Buff men shake their heads.
Aphrodite: Well, why not?
Scene: The village of Demoscus . Midday. Joxer is campaigning.
Joxer: Vote Xena. Vote Xena for a better world.
Villager 3: How is Xena going to make a better world?
Joxer: I don't know. ( Notices a fruit cart. ) Oh apples!
Scene: The neighbouring village. Early afternoon. Xena rides in. A crowd has gathered in the square. The village leader is talking to them.
V. Leader: I've had enough of these marauders. They come from Demoscus. They ravage our crops. Our children aren't safe. I say it's time to act. We must get a militia together.
Xena: Don't be foolish.
V. Leader: And who are you?
Xena: I'm Xena.
Villager 1: Xena's dead.
Villager 2: It's a ghost!
Xena: Don't you realise you're being manipulated? Someone wants to start a war between the two villages, and I know who. If the two village leaders get together and talk, we can sort it out peacefully.
Villager 1: But who will look out for the children?
Villager 2: Maybe ghost Xena is right. Maybe we should talk.
Xena: I'm not a ghost.
Woman: It's a trap! She's been sent here by the people of Demoscus. I bet they've hired her. We let our guard down and they attack.
Xena: It's not like that. Look, violence won't solve your problems.
Villager 3: ( Running into the village. ) Drago's men are here!
Xena: Who's Drago?
V. Leader: He's a warlord. We have to pay him protection money or he'll burn our village.
Xena: Is that right?
Drago's captain rides in with his men.
Captain: You got our money? Or do you all want to die?
Xena: These people aren't giving you a dinar.
V. Leader: This woman doesn't speak for us.
Captain: And who are you?
Xena: I'm Xena.
Captain: I thought you were dead.
Villager 2: It's ghost Xena.
Xena: I'm not a ghost.
Captain: Well you soon will be. ( To his men .) Kill her.
Xena fights and defeats Drago's men. Captain squares up to her.
Captain: Oh, I have waited my whole life for a challenge like this. I'll be known as the killer of Xena.
Xena quickly fells him with a kick to the head.
Xena: No, you'll just be known as a plain old loser. Now where was I?
V. Leader: You were saying how violence doesn't solve anything.
Xena: Exactly, violence doesn't solve ... well okay, if you are forced to defend yourself then you must...
Woman: She's a hypocrite and a spy. I say we attack Demoscus.
Villager 2: But she saved us.
Woman: And now the rest of Drago's men are going to come after us.
Villager 1: Will our children ever be safe?
V. Leader: No, Drago won't come after us. Demoscus is holding elections.
Villager 2: Who's stupid enough to stand for election in Demoscus?
Xena: Well ... me.
V leader: Did you not know, Xena, that Drago has vowed to kill the next democratically chosen leader of that village? And with the Romans away, who's to stop him?
Xena: Gabrielle. Look, I have to get back to Demoscus, but don't do anything stupid. We can talk.
Woman: It's a trick. I bet there are marauders right outside our village. ( Wait. ) Right now. Very soon. ( Wait. ) Any moment now.
Villager 3 runs into the village again.
Villager 3: Marauders! Right outside our village.
V. Leader: Enough is enough. Arm yourselves men. We attack Demoscus.
Woman: At last, someone's taking action.
Xena: ( To woman. ) Discord.
Woman turns into Discord while villagers run to grab their weapons. She laughs.
Discord: Now what are you going to do, Xena? Do you stop these villagers from attacking? Or do you protect your dear little Gabrielle when she wins the election? Drago must be riding to Demoscus right about now. And then there are those marauders to deal with. That lot should keep you busy for a while. ( Laughs and disappears .)
Ad Break
Scene: Demoscus. Mid-afternoon. Xena rides into the square and sees Joxer. Xena has the three marauders tied up and running behind her horse.
Xena: Joxer. How did I do in the election?
Joxer: Great!
Xena: Really?
Joxer: Oh, you want me to tell the truth?
Xena: Yes.
Joxer: In that case, terrible. Gabrielle won in a landslide. She's making her victory speech now in the village hall. What's with those guys?
Xena: They're the marauders. I got tired of beating them up so I decided to tie them up.
Joxer: So you could beat them up at your leisure?
Xena: No, so I can get it through these villagers' heads that they are being set up. And on top of everything, there's a warlord coming to kill Gabrielle. So we haven't got much time. By the way, how many votes did I get?
They head towards the village hall.
Joxer: Um, zero.
Xena: No one voted for me? Not even you?
Joxer: I can't vote, I'm not from around here.
Xena: ( Drags marauders. ) Come on, idiots.
They reach the town hall and walk inside. Gabrielle is addressing the audience.
Gabrielle: Today is not a victory for me, it's a victory for you, the good people of ... what's this village called again? It doesn't matter. It's time to raise a militia.
Xena: There will be no militia. Here are the marauders, and they didn't come from the neighbouring village. They are cohorts of Discord. Discord brings out the worst in people, she relies on our lust for war and violence and aggression. She exploits our fears and our gang mentality. War doesn't create nations, it destroys nations, and I should know.
Villager 3 runs into the hall.
Villager 3: The neighbouring village has a militia and they're heading this way.
Gabrielle: This is our moment for glory. We shall forge our empire with the blood of our enemies.
Villager 1: Haven't you listened to anything Xena has said?
Gabrielle: No, not a word. I phase out when women talk; all they do is nag. I say we talk with our swords.
Scene: Outside Demoscus. Soon after last scene. The neighbouring village militia and the villagers meet in peace. Demoscus' village elder and the neighbouring village leader shake hands.
V. Leader: It's good that we can talk, and not use our swords.
Gabrielle: Fools! There's no glory without blood.
The two sides meet and greet. Discord appears.
Discord: Well well, Xena, haven't you done a great job of ruining my carefully laid plans. Do you know how much trouble it was stirring up things in Dalmatia ?
Xena: I thought you liked your work?
Discord: I didn't say I didn't like it. I just said it was a lot of trouble. However, there's still one little problem left.
Xena: What's that?
Discord motions to the nearest hilltop where Drago and his army ride over.
Xena: Oh, I forgot about him.
V. Leader: What are we going to do, Xena?
V. Elder: How are we going to resolve this peacefully?
Xena: Sometimes you can resolve things peacefully, but sometimes you just have to kick some loser's arse.
At the top of the hill.
Drago: Is that Xena down there?
Captain: I told you it was her.
Drago: She's mine. Her head would look good on a stick in my tent. It will be my centrepiece.
Captain: Wouldn't that start to smell?
Drago: Well obviously I would only have it there for a little while; you know, invite some of the guys over for a night; it'll be impressive.
Captain: You could have it preserved.
Drago: That's something to consider.
Xena: Drago! Me and you.
Gabrielle: Hey, I want in on this action.
Drago: Terms?
Xena: You beat me, you take this village; I beat you, you take off.
Drago: Agreed. ( To Captain. ) I'll take Xena, think you can handle that irritating blonde?
Captain: Of course.
Drago and his captain ride down the hill and fight with Xena and Gabrielle.
Discord: ( To tied up marauders. ) Fat lot of good you guys were.
Marauder 1: Are you seeing anyone at the moment?
Discord: ( Disgusted. ) I don't think so.
Xena and Gabrielle beat Drago and his captain. Their army runs away.
Xena: We'll tie them up and leave them for the Romans.
Gabrielle: You know, we work pretty good as a team. We could travel together; you could cook my meals, clean my clothes.
Xena: I want the old Gabrielle back.
Aphrodite appears.
Aphrodite: Discord!
Discord: Oh, hi Aphrodite.
Aphrodite: I am so like way mega PO 'd at you.
Discord: Who helped you out of those chains?
Aphrodite: Let's just say I owe someone a major solid. Oh, Gabby. ( She waves her hand and Gabrielle swoons and is back to normal .)
Gabrielle: Woah, what happened?
Joxer: You're the mayor of this village.
Gabrielle: ( Uncertainly. ) Okay.
Xena: Don't worry. With Drago locked up, you people can have free and fair elections.
Villagers cheer.
Gabrielle: Everything is a bit hazy. So what exactly happened?
Joxer: Let me fill you in.
Joxer talks with Gabrielle.
Discord: Admit it, Xena, Gabrielle can sure work a crowd; you could have used her in your warlord days.
Xena: Those days are well behind me.
Discord: You could have made Greece strong, Xena. It should be Greece who rules the world, and you should be leading your nation, not watching it be occupied by those Roman peasant farmers. With your military genius and Gabrielle's civic nous, you'd be unstoppable. You could conquer nations, and Gabrielle could rule them.
Xena: I don't think like that at all.
Discord: Ah, but you do. I know because I'm inside you. I'm Discord remember. You can change what you do, Xena, but you can't change who you are. Bye bye for now. ( Discord disappears. )
Aphrodite: That girl's got a major ‘tude.
Xena: ( To Aphrodite. ) Thanks for helping Gabrielle.
Aphrodite: Don't mention it; I'm always there for my mortal bestie.
Xena: And I'm sorry for that ‘cleaver' crack.
Aphrodite: Xena, you've killed most of my family, I'm not going to let one of your wisecracks break me. Now I have to return a big favour to someone, so bye bye. ( Aphrodite disappears. )
Gabrielle and Joxer walk over.
Gabrielle: Thank goodness I'm back to normal. It was like a strange dream where I wasn't in control of myself, and yet it was oddly and scarily liberating.
Xena: You were a little too good at politics.
Gabrielle: What say we go back to camp, you kill a few rabbits and I slow cook them over a nice fire?
Xena: Yep, there's nothing like a good meal and a bit of privacy.
Joxer: Alright; you, Gab, me and privacy, it'll be great. I can tell you stories of my mighty adventures when you guys were on ice.
Gabrielle: What would we do without you, Joxer, what would we do.
END.