Disclaimers: Mine and no one else's…
Violence: No, just heartache…
Subtext: No. There's nothing ‘sub' in here, everything gets revealed…
Warning: This story is about the love between two women and contains graphic descriptions of the physical expressions of that love. If those things aren't to your liking, then I'm sorry for you, but you might want to move on to read something else.
Well, here goes… and please tell me what you think when you're done at l.kay131@gmail.com
Chapter one
I had lived for 32 years, five months and 20 days on the day I met her, but when I think about it now it is clear to me that, before her, I really hadn't lived at all. I had merely existed, that's about it, mandatorily going through each day that was thrown at me, one by one, but really lacking any form of substance.
I had a good life, by most people's standards I'm sure, because I guess the way things work is that most of the time you don't miss what you haven't yet experienced, or felt.
I have learned since then, though, that once those dynamics change, you can never go back to what was before.
I had never really thought about it before then. Not until everything changed.
***
I was reluctantly woken up by the loud ringing of the alarm clock, telling me that it was 6 a.m. and time to get up. I groaned as I turned on my back and rubbed my eyes, trying to rid them of the feeling of being filled with a pound of sand.
I didn't want to wake up. For once, my restless self really just wanted to stay in bed. I had been drawn out of a really odd dream. A good dream, it seemed by evidence of how I was feeling, even though I had no real recollection of what it had been about. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember any details from it, but it left me with a rare, but soothing sensation of peace and contentment.
I reached out to turn the alarm off and rolled around in the large bed to lie down on my stomach. I pulled the grey sheets back over my body and closed my eyes, wanting to go back to the dream again, even if I knew that it would be pointless. As I said; it had been a really good dream, I knew that even though I still, for the life of me, couldn't remember what it had been about. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt as calm as I felt right then, though.
I had to smile to myself as a stray ray of sunshine that had somehow managed to escape through the closed blinds shone right at my face, finally making me give up on my efforts of going back to sleep. There seemed to be no point in even trying.
It was the first days of spring and as I lay there, I could hear the birds singing through the slightly open window. They were probably happy about the fact that the world had finally defrosted again. Along with almost everyone else.
I sighed and sat up, trying to stretch out the tense muscles in my body. I had done my usual workout the night before, but had skipped my stretching routine, stupid as I was, at the time thinking that buying me a couple of extra minutes was a good thing. I had worked late, sure, but I should have taken the time to do it anyway. Now, I had woken up with a stiff and aching back and neck.
“Idiot”, I said to myself as I got out of bed.
I deserved it, but my back was killing me as I bent forward, attempting to pick up my sweatpants from the floor where I had left them the night before.
I'm not a lazy person, by no means, it was just that the day before I'd had a really busy day at the hospital, returning home later than usual after working double shifts and I had obviously tried taking a shortcut. Taking shortcuts isn't something I usually do, so now I had to pay the price, I guess.
It took me a while, but I finally managed to put my pants on and went to the floor to ceiling windows to open the blinds. Outside it was sunny and quite warm for this time of the year, I could feel that as I opened the door to the balcony to let some fresh air into the room.
The sky was clear and blue and the tops of the trees at the edge of the woods some 20 yards away, hardly moved an inch in the almost absent wind. It was the end of April and the trees were full of light green buds, just waiting to burst at any moment. I took a deep breath, breathing in the clear scent of pine trees and water, from the remnants of the rain that had been falling during the night. It was refreshing.
Since the weather was like that, I decided make the best of it and go out for another run, hoping that using my muscles would help to soften them up a bit and enable me to get through the rest of the day. It was going to be another long day at work. I also felt, not restless, but full of energy for some reason. I probably should have been tired from the day before, but strangely enough I wasn't. I had this odd feeling in my chest, you know like when you're nervous or anxious about something. Weird. I had nothing to be like that about; it was just going to be another long day at work. Anyway, the butterflies kept flying around in my chest.
I changed my clothes and put on a sweater and my jogging shoes and ran for about forty minutes. My place is located really close to the woods where there are several tracks for running, hiking and cross-country skiing in the winter, so I usually go for a run there about four or five times a week, depending on my work load.
My body was stiff and aching like hell when I started off and I had to work really hard on motivating myself psychologically for quite a while to be able to continue on before I eventually started feeling better and better as my muscles were warmed up and run through by blood, feeding them their well-needed oxygen.
I saw more people in the tracks than usual, running past a few. It is the same story every year; in the winter you seldom come across more than one or two, but as soon as the sun has melted the snow away more people are out, as if they have woken up after a long and deep winter sleep.
When I returned home I was actually glad that I had gone out, since I was feeling much better afterwards. Even my head had cleared up a bit, which was welcome on my part.
A hard workout always does that for me and that time was no different.
I just needed to eat something as well and get some caffeine into my system and things would be even better. I can never leave for work without it; that would be cruel to everyone else, so I put some water and coffee in the coffee machine, turned it on and just left it there to mind itself while I went to take a warm shower.
I simply stood under the warm water for some time, enjoying the feeling, while contemplating on why I felt so different and much more at ease that day, since nothing unusual had happened. I thought that maybe it was the dream I'd had, but that didn't add up either, since I couldn't even remember what it was about. It was a feeling I wasn't really used to. In a good way. I couldn't even put a word to it, I just knew I liked it. It was kind of strange, actually.
I couldn't figure it out so, finally, I just decided to leave it be and simply enjoy the feeling, wherever the hell it came from. There was no need to overanalyze things; nothing good ever comes of it anyway.
I washed my hair and body, dried myself up and went back to the bedroom to put on a pair of blue baggy jeans and a white shirt for work. On that day I was supposed to work a double shift in the ER and wouldn't be in the lab at all, since I hadn't scheduled any trials for my research, so it wasn't really that important which clothes I put on. I would be wearing my blue scrubs anyway.
To most people, or at least to those who don't know me, I seem like a workaholic, I guess, but that's not the case at all; I just love my job. I'm a doctor, a pediatrician to be exact, and I'm just following a dream I've had since I was a kid. It was the passion of my life and a few years ago, I decided to pursue another of my goals; to go into research, in my case on children's leukemia. I won't go further into the details of it right now, since I don't want to bore you already, but at this point, the more practical parts of the project were almost finalized. So, for almost three and a half years, I had combined clinical work with research and was now only less than a year from earning my PhD. It was and had been real hard work, but for me it was worth it and certainly would be in the end. I just had to finish my thesis first, which was no piece of cake, either. But I didn't mind. I didn't feel that strongly about anything else and didn't have any other responsibilities or commitments to anything, or anyone, so I had no problem with the fact that work was pretty much my whole life. It had always been that way. What else was there anyway?
I poured myself a large cup of coffee, boiled two eggs and buttered the rye bread I had bought at the local bakery on my way home after finishing my run. I checked the voice messages on my cellphone as I ate, since I hadn't had time to do it the night before, smiling as I listened to the message from my mum. She told me, not asked me, to come over for dinner some time during the week when I didn't have to work. I decided to call her up later and accept the invitation, since I knew that she would constantly worry about me working too much. It was the constant topic every time we talked. Even so, I was really longing for a home cooked meal as well, tired of the food at the restaurant at work, so it could impossibly be a bad thing.
I finished my breakfast and put the dishes in the dishwasher before being on my way. Since I realized I was running a bit late, I took the car to work that day instead of my bike.
It seemed as if everyone else had made the same decision as me that morning, ending me up stuck in traffic on more than one occasion during the actually not so long drive, making me regret not taking the damn bike instead, since it would have actually taken me to work much quicker. It had been a stupid decision on my part, but on that morning I was, strangely enough, not even the slightest irritated about the slow traffic and the fact that it made me even more short of time than I already was from the beginning.
***
“Well, good morning, Avery”, I was greeted as I opened the door to the locker room some half an hour later.
I looked across the tile covered room, smiling towards the tall, blonde woman who was standing at the other end, looking at her watch.
Kate is my best friend. We struggled through med school together and have been close since the first day. We are each other's complete opposite personality wise, though. While she is spontaneous, outgoing and funny, I'm more of a, what I call, realist. Kate has other, not as flattering, names for it, though… Anyway, we complement each other well because of it, I guess, and also due to the fact that we have similar interests and ambitions and consequently have a lot in common that way. We hit it off right from the start and had been close ever since.
“So you're late, huh, that doesn't happen every day. What kept you; a woman?”
She smirked at me. Knowing she was teasing me, as usual, I just played along as I opened my locker and started taking my clothes off.
“Actually, no. Not today”.
She laughed at me.
“Haven't gotten lucky lately, have you?”
I just threw my shirt at her. She always likes to tease me.
“No, I guess not. Not everyone has your cozy little family life, you know. Not that I envy you or anything”, I teased her back. “You can certainly keep the husband”.
She gave me back my shirt and continued laughing at me as she changed into her own blue scrubs.
“Well, you sure as hell wouldn't have a problem getting any if you'd only show some interest, for God's sake. What the hell is the matter with you lately, Avery? In fact, I know of more than one woman who would give anything to go out with you. I mean look at you; tall, handsome, dark hair. The blue eyes. Hell, even I would do you”, she went on and I couldn't help laughing out loud. God, she embarrasses me sometimes.
“Yeah, in your dreams”.
She looked at me as I changed my clothes and put my things in the locker. Of course she was only joking and it wasn't the first time. My God, that would be like being with your sister!
I just shook my head at her.
“No, but seriously, Avery, what's wrong? This isn't like you”.
Now she was actually starting to piss me off.
“Don't ruin my mood, Kate. What isn't like me? The fact that I'm sick of dating women who never makes me feel anything and rarely means anything more to me than just sex?”
“You know that's not what I meant”.
She sat down on the wooden bench in front of her locker, sipping her take away coffee as she looked at me.
“I just want you to be happy, that's all. You're my best friend. I just wish that old shit would stop haunting you”.
I felt really bad about my words, since I knew that hers were true. She just cared.
“Yeah, I know you do. I do too. Look, Kate, I'm sorry for snapping at you like that”, I said, sitting down on the bench next to her.
I sighed and accepted her paper mug with coffee as she offered it to me. She put her arm around my shoulders, squeezing slightly.
“I'm just not interested in this shit anymore. I'm giving up on this women crap”.
Kate started laughing at me again, patting me on the leg before standing up.
“Yeah, you do that, Avery. Or, you can stop being so damn picky. What about that nurse in the ER; what's her name? Susan, right? Didn't you go out with her a few times a while ago? She's hot”.
“Yes, I did go out with her, but no, thank you”, I replied, standing up too. “You take her if you think she's so damn hot”.
We left the locker room, continuing our bantering on our way through the corridor.
“Why don't you like her then, she's nice enough, isn't she? Or was she bad in bed?”
She put her arm around my shoulders playfully again as she continued her interrogation.
I knew she loves to tease me, especially about women, and I couldn't help smiling, thinking I would come up with a way to get her back soon.
“I don't know”, I answered, simply. “I haven't slept with her”.
I winked at her as I left her standing there, looking surprised and, for once, seemingly not knowing what to say. I had to stop by the pediatric unit first to do rounds, so she would have to head down to the ER herself. I smiled to myself as I opened the door. The fact that I had beaten her in her own game satisfied me immensely.
***
It had been a calm night Chris, the head nurse, told me as she gave me the charts to go over. Nothing serious had happened and doing the rounds therefore didn't take long. It was just standard procedure; doing a mandatory check on the patients, talking to concerned parents and deciding which further follow-ups or tests were needed.
I didn't mind it being so slow, which was a bit strange for me. I actually liked the thought of being able to take things easy this early in the morning, not at all missing the sense of restlessness which usually accompanied me.
The unusual calm didn't last for very long, though. I was sitting with some of my colleagues, discussing which approach would the best in terms of treatment of one of our patients, when I was called down to the ER for a consult. There had apparently been a car accident, involving two vehicles, and among the injured was a two year old child.
I ran down the stairs to the ER, taking two steps at a time, knowing that taking the elevator would take far too long, since they always stop at each and every damn floor to let more people on or off. It always drives me crazy.
As I opened the door and entered the ER, I stepped into the structured chaos that is so significant for the place, but I must admit that these stressful situations, where you have to be sharp and make quick decisions are really stimulating for me and I love the days when I have shifts there. I instantly felt the rush of adrenaline, making my heart beat faster.
It took us the whole morning to be able to sort everything out and get to a situation where everyone involved was stable and, luckily, we had no casualties. The situation was still critical for everyone involved, but it wasn't difficult to see that things could have turned out a lot worse I thought to myself as I walked back up to the pediatric unit a few hours later.
It had been a good day so far.
***
I was sitting by the computer in my office a while later, making notes, when Kate came into the room and sat down on a chair beside me. She had worked her ass off in the ER all morning she said, unlike me who at least had been able to get away to my office for an hour or so before lunch.
“My God, what a morning”, she moaned, running her hands through her long hair. “Is it that impossible to get a calm day in this place?”
I just laughed at her, still secretly pleased about before. She hadn't brought the subject up again, which was a good thing. I didn't want to talk about women. I meant what I had said. No more women for me.
“It certainly seems that way, doesn't it?”
I finished the chart I was working on before continuing.
“So what are you doing now, are you free for some lunch?”
I looked at my watch. It was 12 a.m. and I was really hungry. And it is always a good idea to try to get away to get something to eat when it is calm for a little while. Because that can change. Quickly.
“Yeah, sure”, she answered me. “I don't have anything scheduled until one.”
We took the elevator up to the staff restaurant, standing in line for quite a while, as usual. There were probably 20 people in line before us. The place is always packed with people this time of day, wanting to get some energy to last them through the afternoon.
I chose the lasagna, figuring it was the best thing on the menu, and since my second shift wasn't ending until 10 p.m., I knew would need all the energy I could get. It would simply have to do.
We had to wait for what seemed like an eternity before it was our turn and by then there wasn't that much left of my previous good mood. So, when my lunch was finally ready and had been handed to me, I grabbed the tray with my food, irritated about having to wait for so long and turned around, quickly, to follow Kate to our table. The fact that I was so irritated, was probably what made me not attentive enough to realize someone was standing right there behind me.
“God, I'm so sorry!” I burst out, desperately reaching out to try to grab hold of the glass of water that was tipping over as I bumped into someone. It was too late.
I stopped short as I looked at the woman now standing in front of me with water all over her white scrubs. I instantly felt my heart start pounding like a sledge hammer in my chest. My God, she was so beautiful… She was shorter than me, had blonde, shoulder long hair and intense green eyes. I had never seen eyes so beautiful before. She smiled and looked at me strangely and I realized that she must have said something to me.
“I'm sorry, I didn't hear you”, I stuttered as I slowly regained the ability to speak.
She smiled an even wider smile that made her nose wrinkle a little.
“I just said that it's no big deal. It's only water. It will dry up”.
“Yeah, but still”, I answered, embarrassed and angry with myself for being such an idiot.
“I'm really sorry. I should watch were I'm going.”
I put my tray away and reached for some paper towels, attempting to dry her off with trembling hands, but it didn't do much good. She put her hand on mine, stopping me.
“It's ok, honestly”.
I could see that she was still smiling as she looked at me, so I couldn't help smiling back, shaking my head at myself. I could feel my heart still pounding in my chest, so hard that I was beginning to fear that it showed through my clothes. I still couldn't keep my eyes off her.
“I'm Lisa”, she said, extending her hand towards me. After some hesitation, I took it in mine.
“Avery”.
I was embarrassed that mine was so moist and was cursing myself internally for not being able to calm myself down.
“Hi, Avery”, she continued. “It's nice to meet you”.
I started laughing at her words.
“Yeah, it must be really nice having water thrown on you. I guess I've made a really nice first impression”.
I let go of her hand, realizing I had held it for far too long, took the paper towels back and put them on my tray.
“I haven't seen you here before”, I added, wanting to continue the conversation. “And I know I would have remembered if I had”.
She still smiled as she answered and nodded her head, looking me straight in the eyes. It made me feel slightly nervous.
“Yeah, you're right, I'm new here. This is my first day, actually. As a nurse, at the pediatric unit”.
“Oh, really”, I continued, secretly pleased obviously. I hadn't seen her there that morning, but then again, I had been quite busy and she probably wasn't assigned to any of my patients. However, since I knew that I would see her again, I decided to get myself away from there before I had the time to embarrass myself even further.
“Maybe I'll see you around then, I'm a doctor there. Hopefully, I won't be throwing any more water on you, though”.
She laughed as I took my tray, winking at her as I left and walked towards the table at end of the room where Kate was sitting, watching me. She smiled at me and I could see in her eyes what she was thinking.
”What?” I asked her, as I sat down opposite her.
She laughed at me.
“I thought you said that you'd had enough of the women crap or what the hell it was you called it?”
“Whatever do you mean, Kate? I was just speaking to her. For God's sake, I spilled water all over her!”
I shook my head at her as I took a mouthful of my lasagna, really happy about the fact that I would be eating my mum's food soon.
“Well, she didn't seem to mind”, she said, still smiling wickedly as she took a large bite of her hamburger.
“Oh, come on, stop it, Kate! Obviously she's just a nice person, knowing that I didn't do it on purpose. What's she supposed to say?”
She wiped her mouth with her napkin and looked at me intently.
“Well, I saw her watching you as you walked over here”, she mused.
I shook my head at her again as I looked out the window, watching the people rushing by on the street far below.
“That doesn't mean anything”.
“So why can't you stop smiling then, Avery?” she countered.
I could feel my face getting red and warm, embarrassed over the fact that she always makes me feel this way. I would never pass a lie detector test. I would be one of those people who would be sentenced even if I was innocent.
“Ok, ok”, I gave in. “Maybe I think she's beautiful. Maybe I even think she's the most beautiful woman I've ever met. As I said, that doesn't mean a damn thing”.
She opened her mouth to speak, but I cut her off.
“It doesn't mean that she likes me, does it? She's probably not even gay, anyway”.
I could see Kate smiling over the rim of her glass as she drank her water.
“Honestly, Avery, since when has that been an issue? I've seen one or two women over the years, labeled as straight, who would have jumped at the chance of being with you. And you; you hardly ever give any woman even the time of day”.
She shook her head at me.
“You are so clueless, Avery, you have no idea”.
We finished our lunch; on my request speaking of other things than my love life, or lack thereof. She reluctantly did as I asked.
Sitting there, I was irritated over the fact that she had chosen such a crappy table. It was located in the far corner of the room, by the windows, and with me sitting with my back towards the rest of the large cafeteria space I couldn't see anything else but Kate. I had to force myself to not turn around to see if Lisa was still there. Even though I actively tried, my brain was not able to shake the image of her. And, I sure as hell wouldn't even consider asking Kate either, not wanting to give her the slightest incentive to start the discussion all over again. I figured I had embarrassed myself enough for one day.
As we left though, I could see that she couldn't help laughing at me as she saw me looking around the room, searching for Lisa again even though I tried to be subtle about it.
She was no longer there.
Both Kate and I had an afternoon shift at the ER; a shift that didn't end until 10 p.m., but I didn't talk to her any more during the shift, because there was too much to do and we didn't find the time. I didn't mind that.
The afternoon and early evening were quite hectic and by then, I was actually grateful over that fact, since it kept my mind on other things than my earlier encounter with Lisa. It was a strange feeling, not being able to get someone out of your mind like that. I wasn't really used to it. I mean, I didn't even know her. I had only spoken to her for a short while. Yet, just thinking about her, seeing her face in my mind, made me smile each time.
***
Later that night, I was sitting in the locker room after my shift had ended, calming myself down a little after such a stressful day. It was late, but I wasn't really in a hurry to get home, since I was free until the following afternoon when my next shift started. I had closed my eyes as I sat there, leaning my head back against my locker. The locker room was empty, except for me, and I appreciated the solitude right then, having been around so many people during the day. I didn't even open my eyes when I heard the door open.
“So we meet again, I see”.
I was drawn out of my daydreaming by the voice I recognized from earlier that day. Startled, I sat up to an upright position, looking at the woman standing by a locker a few meters away. Lisa; the name suited her, I thought to myself.
“I'm sorry if I scared you”, she said, once again smiling towards me. “I didn't realize anyone was still in here”.
She turned around and opened her locker.
“Yeah, me either. I just had to sit down and rest for a while before leaving. It's been one of those days, you know”, I answered finally, not being able to stop myself from watching her as she changed her clothes, putting on a pair of jeans and a green sweater which really complemented her eyes. I knew that I should turn away, but I simply couldn't. I didn't see much, since she was wearing a t-shirt the whole time, but I still felt bad about looking, probably because I knew that she didn't know what I was thinking of her.
She made my heart skip a beat as she turned around, now facing me again as she put on her jacket. Her smile made my legs feel like jelly.
“So are you leaving now too or are you staying for a while longer?”
She looked at me curiously, making me wonder if maybe she could read my thoughts in my eyes. I was seriously beginning to wonder if I could ever be able to concentrate on my job anymore, if she was going to be around.
I turned away from her and tried to compose myself a little before I closed my locker and grabbed my jacket and the bag I had put on the bench beside me, before joining her.
“No, I'm through here for today”, I stated, holding up the door for her as we exited the locker room together.
We walked out of the building in silence. I wanted to talk to her, wanted to know everything about her, but I didn't quite know what to say. She made me so damn nervous. It wasn't anything she said or did, it was just her presence, being this close to her.
As we got out we realized that it had started raining and looking at the dark clouds hovering above us it wasn't hard to see that it was only likely to become worse.
“So where is your car?” I finally said as we reached the parking lot, already wet. Neither one of us had an umbrella…
She smiled through the water that was running down her face and shook her head.
“No, I didn't take the car today. I walked, actually. The weather was so nice this morning I thought it was a good idea at the time”.
She started laughing.
“I should have watched the weather report before I left, since I know you can never trust the weather this time of year, but I was so stressed, my first day at work and all, I just didn't think about doing that”.
She tried to wipe her face with the sleeve of her jacket, but it didn't do much good since it was just as wet, if not even more.
“So this is what I get for being so stupid. I mean look at me!” she continued, making a gesture towards herself.
“Oh, come on Lisa, you look great”, I admitted without thinking, instantly regretting my words as I saw her watching me, her eyes smiling. Once again I was embarrassed, so I decided to change the subject.
“I'll give you a ride; it's the least I can do after today”, I offered as I showed her the way to my car, hoping she didn't feel uncomfortable after what I had said.
“Now I'm going to ruin your leather seats”, she commented, looking worried as she sat down in the passenger seat of my black Audi when we finally got there, having been forced to run across the vast parking lot. I just smiled at her; I couldn't care less about the damn seats.
“No it's ok, they'll dry up eventually. And by the way, if you haven't noticed, I'm just as wet as you are”.
She started laughing again, seemingly unable to stop.
“Yeah, you're right Avery, just look at us…”
We both laughed, I mean we looked like drenched cats or something, and I could feel myself beginning to relax a little. Having to focus on my driving also helped, since I felt so uptight from having her in such close proximity to me.
It turned out that her place was on my way to mine, so I dropped her off outside hers, accepting her offer to buy me coffee when I had time as thanks for the ride, before being on my way. Looking back in the rear view mirror, I could see her watching me as I drove off. Again, I could feel my heart beating faster when I watched her standing there in the pale light of the doorway lamp.
I turned the radio on as I drove home; it was maybe a mile from where Lisa lived, but I didn't hear the music. All I could hear in my head was the sound of her voice, quite deep and sensual, speaking to me about her first day at work, how much she had loved it and how glad she was that she had moved here.
I was too.
***
Entering my home, I took my wet clothes off, just leaving them on the hallway floor, and went to take a shower, needing to rinse myself off after a long day at work. The wet clothes had made me cold all over, making my body almost hurt as the hot water touched it. I just stood there for a long time, letting the water massage my tense shoulders and back, calming me down a bit.
I put on a pair of sweatpants and a sweater, still feeling slightly cold despite the hot shower and ordered a pizza, since it was already 11 p.m. and I didn't feel like cooking anyway. I can't say that I was all that hungry, but I knew I needed to eat something anyway since I hadn't had time to eat anything since lunch.
It was going to take half an hour before I would have my pizza delivered I had been told, so I went to the kitchen to open a bottle of red wine and poured myself a glass. I don't normally drink on nights when I have a shift the next day, but that night I really felt that I had earned it. And I really needed it too.
I took the glass with me as I sat down in the leather sofa in the living room, watching the evening news as I sipped my wine, feeling strangely alone.
Lisa. Her face appeared in my mind again. I had spent maybe 15 minutes, 20 at the most, with her that day; well ever really, but right then I could almost physically feel her absence.
I had really liked her company during the few minutes we spent together in the car on the way to her place. More than I had known you could like the company of someone who was more or less a stranger. What was so confusing to me, though, was that she didn't feel like a stranger.
I smiled and shook my head at myself as I sat there, my feelings representing a person I didn't recognize. Being free and independent had always been something that I'd valued, so why was I feeling so differently? I really didn't know.
I took a mouthful of wine, closing my eyes as I felt it burning on its way down my throat.
I tried to figure it out as I sat there, but I was so damn tired. It had been a really long day.
A good one, actually, but long.
Almost having fallen asleep, I got up and brought my glass with me as the doorbell rang a while later, informing me that my dinner had arrived. I paid and tipped the delivery guy before heading to the kitchen, putting a large slice of the vegetarian pizza on a plate.
I sat down on the couch again, watching some old movie as I finished my food and wine.
I realized that I had completely forgotten to call my mum, but since it was already almost midnight I decided to wait until the next day. Knowing me well, she was likely to think that I had worked the whole day anyway, which I had, so she wouldn't be disappointed.
I must have fallen asleep on the couch some time during the evening, feeling so tired all over, both physically and psychologically, that I didn't even have the strength to get up and move to the bed. I didn't want to either, it simply seemed too big and empty that night for some reason.
I slept unusually well, though, and only woke up once during the night and just turned the flashing TV off before going back to sleep.
I slept a calm and dreamless sleep and didn't wake up until late the next morning, even though I would normally wake up really early. I just stayed on the sofa for a while after I woke up, thinking about the day before and how everything felt so different. Just such a small thing as waking up at 9 a.m.; shit I hadn't done that for ages. I still couldn't really understand what it was that was so different, but nothing felt the way it used to anymore.
To be continued in Chapter two…
Chapter two
My shift at the pediatric unit wasn't starting until 2 p.m., so I went for a long run and took a cold shower before having breakfast. That way, I wouldn't have to go out for a run after work later. I also felt so damn restless; I couldn't sit still.
I would always feel good about going to work, but on this day I couldn't decide if going there was a good thing or not; butterflies were flying around in my stomach and I felt funny all over. I cursed myself for being such an idiot, feeling like this. There was a good chance that I would see Lisa that day. I really wanted to, but at the same time, the prospect of it made me nervous as hell.
I tried to keep myself busy by cleaning the apartment , since I hadn't had the time to do so for quite some time. I got everything in order, put all the dishes in the dishwasher and the left over pizza in the freezer. The minutes were passing by slower than usual that day.
I left for work quite early, wanting to get there in good time before my shift started, but once again Kate was already there when I entered the locker room.
“Hi, Avery”, she said, turning around to face me when she heard me come in. “I'm sorry we couldn't talk anymore yesterday, but I didn't get a chance to get away; you know how it is”.
I smiled to her as I walked over to her, sitting down on the bench in front of my locker. “That's ok, there's nothing more to talk about, if you mean you wanted to talk more about Lisa”.
She smiled even wider at me, raising her eyebrows and I regretted bringing the subject up.
“So that's her name. Lisa?”
I turned away from her, opened my locker and took my jacket and sweater off. I didn't want her to see my face; she knew me far too well to not see how I felt.
“Yeah, that's her name. Can't you just drop the subject now, Kate? Please?”
She opened her mouth to answer, but was cut off when the door opened. I was taking my jeans off but stopped when I heard that sexy voice again.
“Hi, I'm Lisa”.
I realized that she was talking to Kate and not me so I didn't turn around. I didn't want Lisa to see my face either. My hands had started trembling as I continued taking my pants off.
“I'm Kate. It's nice to meet you, Lisa”.
I could hear the smile in my friend's voice as she answered and begged that she wouldn't say anything that would make me look like an idiot. I really didn't want to be there in the room right then, just wishing I could just disappear somehow.
“Avery, Lisa's here”, she teased me.
Damn her! I turned around and looked my so called friend right in the eyes sternly, letting her know that I was going to get her for that. I could see Lisa smiling and it was quite clear that she was wondering what the hell we were doing.
“Hi, Lisa”, I said, smiling back at her. “You'll just have to excuse my friend here, she's a bit strange”.
She started laughing at my joke as she turned away from me and opened her locker.
“By the way, Avery, thanks for the ride home last night. I really appreciate it. I don't know how I would have made it home in that weather otherwise”.
She started to take her clothes off and I tried hard to turn away from the sight of her again, looking at Kate. She looked back at me with questioning eyes, smiling at me when she saw how flustered I was. She looked over to where Lisa was standing with her back against me, bent over slightly to take her pants off. By then, she was only wearing a white t-shirt and underwear. When Kate looked back at me again, she just laughed at me when I showed her the finger. So, I had driven Lisa home, so what? That didn't mean a damn thing. Should I have just left her there in the pouring rain or what?
Luckily for me, more people started entering the locker room, so the subject was temporarily dropped. I turned around again and continued taking my clothes off, changing into my blue scrubs and then sat down on the bench, waiting for Kate to be ready. I watched Lisa as she neatly put her things in her locker and closed it, smiling towards her as she turned around, facing me again.
“Well, I'm going to go, so I guess I'll see you later, Avery”, she said, making it sound like a question.
“Yeah, sure we will”.
I smiled towards her and tried to sound casual, but I'm not sure I did a good job. She left after saying goodbye to Kate and I took a deep breath, running my hands through my dark hair.
“Shit, shit, shit!”
I shook my head and when we were alone in the room once again, Kate came and sat down beside me. She put her hand on my thigh.
“Look, I'm sorry that I teased you like that”. She looked at me, seemingly concerned. “You've really fallen for her, haven't you?”
I sighed and leaned my head back against my locker.
“Am I that obvious?”
I looked at my friend, really grateful that I had her to talk to.
“Yeah, to me you are”, she admitted, smiling towards me. “You can't keep anything from me, Avery. I know you too well”.
“Yeah, you're right”. I had to give her that. “I just can't believe you can feel this way for someone you've just met. I mean, shit, I don't even know her. What am I going to do, Kate?”
“Well, does she feel the same way?”
I shook my head at her stupid question.
“No, why would she? As I said yesterday, she's probably not even gay, and even if she is, I haven't done anything but behaving like an idiot. So why would she feel that way?”
“Yeah, let me see now, why would she?” she teased me, shaking her head at me. “You are kind, smart, tall, dark and as handsome as they come”.
She laughed and slapped me on my leg before standing up. I just looked at her, wondering if she had lost her mind or something. She stopped laughing as she looked back at me.
“Seriously, Avery, are you kidding me? Have you seen a mirror? And, by the way, FYI, I've seen the way she looks at you”.
“What do you mean?”
I stood up too and closed my locker. She sighed at me as she closed hers as well and turned back towards me.
“You know Avery, you are probably the smartest person I've ever met, but seriously, when it comes to women, you are so clueless it scares me sometimes. My God!”
I looked at her and she smiled at me; I could see that the teasing look in her eyes was back.
“She wants you, Avery”.
“You are nuts, Kate, do you realize that?”
I just shook my head at her. She and her constant matchmaking. We didn't even know each other.
“Yeah, I do. But in this case I'm right. You'll see. Why don't you ask her out or something?”
“No, definitely not”, I told her. “It's too soon. I don't want to scare her off. She wanted to buy me coffee since I gave her a ride home last night, so I'll just start with that for now. By the way, I'm sure she's just being friendly”.
I looked over at my friend again, trying to figure out how the hell her mind worked.
“Where the hell do you get the idea from that this woman likes me and that woman likes me as soon as you see one? My God, Kate, seriously, don't you have a life?”
“Maybe because they do, you idiot! Most women would jump the fence to be with you”.
I just turned away from her to close my locker, feeling slightly disappointed.
“Yeah, well just so you know, Kate, I don't want to be part of some trial and error experiment with the sole purpose of enlightening some woman and make her, maybe, change her mainstream little life due to some sexual revelation. Even if they think I'm hot, or whatever. Shit, Kate, if you cared about me you should know that. I want a relationship, a committed relationship, with a woman who wants to be with me for who I am and not just because of how I look, or for sex”.
I took my cell phone from the bench where I had left it beside me before exiting the locker room, slamming the door behind me; angry at Kate, and myself for that matter. Well, mostly myself, probably. I really didn't want to step on that straight woman mine again, I knew that much and I was angry at myself for letting me get this affected by someone. I walked down the corridor, mandatorily smiling back at the people I met, but really just wishing they would go away and leave me alone.
***
The afternoon was quite busy and I was grateful for the constant distractions, forcing me to think about other things than my screwed up life for a change. Speaking and joking with the children; their unspoiled and innocent minds being so refreshing, always makes me feel better and it made me realize that my problems were rather trivial compared to what could be.
The extensive work load made the hours pass by quickly and I didn't have time to stop for a break or even to get something to eat. When I finally got a few minutes to spare, I made a quick stop in the cafeteria to get me some fake energy in the form of caffeine, since that was the best I could do. I sat down by a table, waiting for the coffee to cool down a bit, closing my eyes as I leaned my head in my hands. If I would have laid my head down on the table, I would probably have fallen asleep right away, I thought to myself and smiled. That would certainly be something to see.
After sitting there by myself for a few minutes, trying to calm myself down a little, I raised my head up and opened my eyes, sensing someone was there. I automatically smiled towards Lisa as I saw her standing in the doorway, leaning against the door post with her arms crossed over her scrub clad chest as she watched me.
“Busy day, huh?”
She walked over to me and sat down by the round table, opposite me. I hadn't seen much of her during the day; we had just passed by each other a few times in the corridor, smiling briefly at one another. All of us had had a hectic day, it isn't unusual in our line of work.
“Yeah, you can say that”.
I took a sip of my coffee, feeling stressed by her presence, shaking my head at myself as I burnt my tongue on the hot liquid.
“This is my dinner, actually; that's what kind of a day it's been. I'm grateful my mum doesn't know”.
I smiled back at her as she raised her eyebrows.
“I know, she's a bit overprotective”, I continued, turning away from her gaze.
“It sounds like she cares, Avery; that's not the same thing as being overprotective”.
I met her gaze again, liking the sound of her saying my name. A few seconds went by without either of us saying anything.
“You know, since I have some time off, I was just about to go up to the restaurant to buy me something to eat when I saw you sitting here. I can buy something for you too if you want”.
I shook my head at the offer and honestly intended to say that she didn't have to, that I'd manage, but she just cut me off.
“It's no trouble, really. What would you like?”
Of course I wasn't able to deny her, I was already lost.
“Anything will be fine, you decide”, I admitted. I actually was hungry as hell. I reached down in my pocket, attempting to give her some money, but she rejected them, telling me that she owed me for the ride. Again, I tried to object, but her eyes told me that she had made up her mind.
“Thank you”, was all I could say.
She smiled towards me as she got up from her chair.
“I'll be right back then; I know where to look for you if you're not here”.
I watched her as she walked out of the room, feeling my mouth go dry just from the sight of her. She turned around and smiled towards me once as she walked out of the room. She made my knees weak. God, she was hot…
I was called in to a patient by one of the nurses after a few minutes, so I didn't have time to sit there and rest for long. It concerned a five year old girl who was diagnosed with leukemia and after checking up on her I stayed for a couple of minutes to talk to her mum about the side effects of the chemotherapy and what would be the next step in her treatment, before going to the nurse's station to ask them to give the girl some medicine for her nausea.
It is always hard to watch these innocent kids feeling so bad. They simply don't deserve it. No matter how many years I've worked with this, that feeling never goes away. It hardens you in a way, since you can't show exactly how you feel, but it doesn't mean you don't care. You just have to learn how to shut down, at least while you're at work. It took me a few years.
“So, Avery, have you decided if you're joining us tomorrow or what?”
I laughed at the blonde man entering the room, giving me a chart as he interrupted my conversation with the nurse.
“It's Will's birthday, you know and you haven't gone out with us for some time now”, he continued.
He winked at the nurse standing beside me, making her cheeks turn red, before sitting down on the desk beside me.
I shook my head at him, took the chart from his hand and started going through it. A child who had been treated in the ER was going to be transferred to the pediatric unit and I had to decide whether anything more was going to be done regarding his treatment before the night shift started.
“Yeah, sure, Eric, I'll come. Where are we going anyway?”
He had been constantly asking me every time we ran into each other for the past month, so I'd decided to sacrifice myself, since I knew they'd be nagging at me until I gave in anyway, probably with Kate at the front line. It was not that I didn't like hanging out with my friends or anything, I was just not that into socializing at that point. I guess I had just gotten tired of it. Of always doing the same things, more or less. I wanted something else, even if I wasn't entirely sure exactly what that something was.
We all know each other since med school and would usually get together, maybe once a month, and go out for drinks or dinner, but lately it had been difficult to coordinate something and come up with a time that suited all of us; working on different units with different schedules and all.
“The bar across the street, as usual. We have a couple of tables reserved. Bring your girlfriend, Avery. She is hot!”
He winked at me as he stood up. I just shook my head at him, realizing that it had been a long time since we'd talked properly.
“Susan wasn't my girlfriend and I'm not seeing her anymore”.
“Wow”, he said. “I guess we should get together more often, huh. We work so much at his place, we don't even have time to catch up with our friends anymore”.
I looked at my friend and he smiled at me.
“So, what went wrong with her then; she seemed to be really into you? Like the rest of them”, he teased me.
“Yeah, well…” I started, once again being asked to explain my so called love life to one of my friends, but was fortunately interrupted when I heard my name.
“Avery?”
I turned around, as did Eric and I could see him smiling and raising his eyebrows. I knew what he was thinking; I mean she was beautiful, nobody could deny that.
“Hi”, she said, greeting him briefly and then turning to me. “Are you free now, Avery, or do you want me to leave your food in the fridge for now?”
Lisa smiled towards me and the look in her green eyes drew me in like a fish caught on a hook. I couldn't help wondering for how long she had been standing there.
“You go and eat, Avery, I'll finish this. I've already eaten anyway”, Eric offered.
I smiled gratefully and walked over to him to give him the chart back. Nothing more needed to be done that evening. He winked at me as he took it.
“Now I understand why you're not with the other one anymore.”
I slapped him on the shoulder, hard, hoping that Lisa hadn't heard anything that he'd said and turned around to follow her back to the cafeteria. I could hardly look her in the eyes as we got there.
“Sit”, she told me and placed a carton of pasta in front of me, together with some salad and a bottle of water.
“I didn't know what you like, but since you look like you work out, I chose what seemed to contain the most energy, without being deep fried”.
I looked over at her sitting there in front of me; apparently she had chosen the same food for herself too. I smiled when I saw her becoming slightly flushed and she turned away, taking a sip of her water. I know that her making a comment on me looking like I work out doesn't mean a damn thing, but still; it made me feel good anyway.
I took a mouthful of the pasta she had brought me; it was quite good, actually, better than usual. Or maybe it was just the company that made the difference.
We sat there and ate in silence for a few minutes and I loved the feeling of her presence, sitting there across the table. I watched her as she ate her pasta and I couldn't help smiling at her; she had almost finished her food already. I really like a woman who eats and likes to eat food. To me there is nothing hot whatsoever about a woman who just sits and picks around in a salad or something like that.
But what a body she had, my God! I couldn't help myself from thinking about how she looked. I had seen enough to be able to imagine the rest.
She looked at me and smiled back towards me when she saw me watching her.
“So are you from here?” she asked me as she took another mouthful of her food.
I nodded, feeling really embarrassed about sitting there and thinking of things like that; I just felt like it was almost beyond my control. She seemed authentically interested so I guess it wasn't just small talk on her part and I was thankful for the distraction.
“Yeah, I am. I've lived here all my life; I was even born in this hospital, actually. Boring, I guess, but it's where I belong”.
I leaned back in the chair, taking a sip of my water.
“I don't think it's boring at all, Avery”, she replied as she put her fork down and leaned forward on her elbows. “I think it sounds nice. I on the other hand can't really say that I've ever felt completely at home anywhere. I don't quite know why, but I have always felt like something was missing, you know”.
I knew perfectly well what she meant. Home could obviously be a place, but it could also be a person. As I sat there listening to her I couldn't stop wondering if she lived with someone, or if she was married even; she didn't have a ring on her finger, though, that I knew. I didn't ask her of course, since it was none of my business unless she told me, but still; I wished I knew.
We sat there talking for quite some time and I for one was in no rush to get away from there; I knew someone would come and tell me if I was needed elsewhere. The sound of her voice hypnotized me and I could almost feel the surrounding world disappear around me; my senses were so focused on her. The more she spoke and told me little things and clues about herself, the more I liked her. She was kind, humble and funny. And she had a wonderful smile. I simply found her flawless.
“So how come you moved here, then?”
I was really interested as to what drove her and also impressed by her decision since she didn't seem to know anyone here; at least that's how I'd interpreted what she had told me so far. I took a sip of my water, hoping she didn't consider my question prying.
“Well, it was the job opportunity mostly, I guess. It's great to be able to work at this hospital. And I also needed to start over somewhere else”.
She turned away from me as her smile faded away. I felt bad about asking her and instantly regretted it when I saw her look. She almost looked like she was about to cry. I should have kept my mouth shut.
I reached out and placed my hand on hers on the table; it was just instinct I suppose, because I didn't plan it.
“I'm sorry, it was stupid of me. I didn't mean to pry. Or make you sad”.
She shook her head as she looked back at me.
“No, Avery, it's ok; just bad memories. It's my fault for behaving like this; I have no right bothering you with my problems. I asked you similar things about your life”.
I sensed a faint smile returning on her lips, trying to reassure me, but I couldn't help feeling bad anyway. I just wished I could hold her and make her feel better. She squeezed my hand as she watched me and I got the feeling that she wanted to say something to me, but she didn't. She just smiled and shook her head, apparently at herself, before removing her hand.
“What are you doing tomorrow night?”
I could see the question in her eyes when I asked her and she laughed.
“Well, I don't know. I don't have any plans, I guess. Why?”
I was glad that she didn't look as sad anymore and I could hear myself saying words that I hadn't planned saying out loud.
“Well, a couple of friends and I are going to the bar across the street tomorrow night for a drink and I thought maybe you'd like to join us?”
I was nervous as to what her answer was going to be even though I tried not to show it.
I didn't want her to get the wrong idea. Or the right idea, I don't know, I just wanted to spend time with her. She didn't answer me at first and I could see that she hesitated.
“Won't they mind? Your friends, I mean, they don't know me?”
I shook my head at her.
“No, definitely not”.
And of course I knew that they wouldn't; I knew that they would like her, just like I did.
“By the way, you have already met two of them; Kate and Eric”.
“Ok”, she complied as she looked towards me, seemingly still unsure. “If you're sure that I'm not imposing on you”.
I assured her that she most certainly wasn't. If she only knew, I thought to myself as I sat there. It was a good thing that she didn't. I wondered if she had wanted to come then.
“Do you know where it is or do you want me to pick you up?” I asked her as we got up from the table to go back to work. I took my empty cartons and hers as well and threw them in the trash.
Our shifts were almost over but there were still some things I had to do before I could go home. I was free the day after and I knew that Lisa was too, so I figured it was best to ask her right then since I probably wouldn't see her again before the next evening.
“No, I'm not exactly sure, but I'll find it”, she assured me before we parted. “But thank you for the offer, it was sweet of you”.
I just stood there, watching her as she walked away. Sweet; she thought I was sweet.
To be continued in Chapter three…
Chapter three
For disclaimers see Chapter one…
I was sitting on my bed the following evening with clothes all around me, not being able to decide what to wear. It was just a night out at a bar with some friends and rather informal, but still, it was Will's birthday and I wanted to look nice for the occasion. At least that's what I tried to tell myself.
The hours had passed by slowly as hell that day, as always when you're looking forward to something. I had woken up early, as usual, and had gone out for a mandatory run before breakfast. The rest of the day I had just tried to relax and take it easy, reading and working on my thesis, but I had found it hard to focus; my thoughts constantly wandering off.
I had taken the time to call my mum as well, since I was feeling a little guilty over the fact that I had forgotten about her completely. That was why I agreed to coming over for dinner the week after. I honestly didn't feel like it at that time, but I didn't want to have to explain why to her. Because she would ask and I had no idea what I would tell her. That I didn't feel like doing anything anymore because I had fallen head over heels over a woman I hardly even knew?
So, now I sat there, waiting for Kate. She had texted me earlier, wanting to come by before we went to the bar and I was glad that she wanted to after our disagreement the day before. I knew that she only cares and that she was worried about me and I couldn't really blame her.
I laid down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, as I kept thinking about what the hell I was doing, behaving like this. I knew that there was a substantial risk that I was going to end up disappointed by this whole situation. And disappointed wouldn't even be close to the truth. It scared me.
“Come in!”
The door was unlocked and I figured Kate could let herself in when I heard the doorbell ring.
“What a mess you've made here, my God!”
I saw my friend standing in the doorway, smiling at me and I was really happy to see her.
“Yeah, I know”, I said as I raised myself up on my elbows. “I can't decide what to wear”.
“There's something new”.
She laughed as she approached me.
“It is nothing special, I mean look at me”.
She made a gesture at herself. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a white blouse and she looked nice. She started going through the clothes that were lying on the bed, folding them.
“I invited Lisa”, I informed her as she returned from putting some clothes back in the closet. She smiled towards me.
“I suspected that”.
I looked at her and I guess she saw my surprised look.
“Avery, you've never behaved like this before and now, every time you do, it has something to do with Lisa. So, it wasn't that hard for me to figure out”.
I smiled back towards her, realizing that she was right. I guess it was rather obvious.
“I'm sorry about yesterday”, I admitted. “I had no right talking to you like that”.
“No, it's ok, Avery. It my fault for teasing you like I did”, she replied as she stepped closer to me and extended her hand to me.
“So come on now, get up from there so I can help you look hot for Lisa”, she joked. “You may look sexy wearing only boxers and a t-shirt, but I still don't think you should go out like that in public”.
She decided on a pair of jeans, a black jacket and a black t-shirt and I was grateful for her help, knowing that I most likely wouldn't have been able to decide what to wear no matter how long I tried.
We took a cab to the bar, since we probably would have a drink or two. Will and Eric were already there, sitting by a table, apparently laughing about something.
The place was crowded, as always. It is a really nice place. Cozy, with wooden tables and chairs. Intimate. With dark colors, like an old fashioned pub. You can play dart or pool there as well or have something smaller to eat.
“Hey”, Will greeted us as we approached them and stood up. I gave him a hug.
“Happy Birthday, man”.
“Thanks, Avery. I'm so glad we could finally get together, all of us like this”.
I was too, I had to admit that as he hugged me back. It had been a while.
Kate and I took our jackets off and sat down by the small, wooden table too. There were already cold bottles of Heineken waiting for us, so I took a sip from mine. It's an understatement to say that the nervousness had returned, with full force.
It was nice to just sit there and talk about things with my friends, but I couldn't help glancing towards the door from time to time.
“Are we expecting someone?” Eric asked me as he probably noticed me looking at the door for the millionth time.
“Yeah, I invited Lisa, actually”, I said, trying to look cool as I leaned back in my chair and took another mouthful of beer. I saw him looking confused.
“You met her last night, at work, remember?” I explained and I saw it dawn on him as he started smiling.
“Oh, you mean the hot blonde who bought you dinner? How could I forget?”
He smiled even wider at me and I could see Will looking at me curiously. He didn't know who we were talking about.
“There she is by the way”, Eric informed me as he nodded towards the door.
I turned around and there she was. Immediately my heart increased its pace, making me feel slightly dizzy. Lisa had apparently seen us, but looked rather unsure, so I left the table and went to her.
“Hi, Avery”, she said. “I hope I'm not late”.
I smiled towards her.
“No, it's fine, we just got here a few minutes ago too. Here, let me take your jacket”.
I extended my hand to her and she gave it to me, smiling gratefully. She looked a bit shy, but I was determined to make her feel welcome and I knew that the others would make her feel as part of our group as well. They wouldn't be the problem that night; I was more concerned about myself, actually.
“Come and meet everyone, Lisa”.
She followed me to our table and I introduced her to them.
“You've already met Kate and Eric. And here is the birthday boy, Will”.
They all started talking to her as if they'd all known each other for ages and I could see on her face that she was becoming more and more comfortable as she sat down on the chair next to me. She looked beautiful, as always, wearing a short sleeved black top and black jeans. And she smelled so good; I couldn't help noticing with her sitting so close to me.
“So what are you all drinking?” Eric asked as the introductions were through.
He called on the waitress and ordered tequila shots for all of us, before even waiting for anyone to answer, while he flirted with the blonde woman taking our order. She seemed completely smitten by him.
”Some things never change”, I thought to myself as I smiled at his behavior. He can charm anyone. The constant bachelor, never able to keep a girlfriend for more than a few months. He is the total opposite to Will who is married and has two small boys. They are so different from each other in so many ways, but I love them both the same.
I glanced over at Lisa and I could see her smiling as well. I winked at her and shook my head at my friend.
“He always does this”, I explained to her. “He can't seem to help himself. I hope that tequila is ok?”
She laughed as she moved her chair a bit closer to mine.
“Yeah, that will be great. I really need something strong right now anyway, I think”.
She watched me as she spoke and her look made my knees weak as always. I was glad I sat down. I realized that I would need something strong too if I was going to last the whole night in her company.
After a few minutes the waitress returned with our shots, accompanied by the mandatory salt and lime slices, placing the tray on our table. I gave everyone a glass before raising mine.
“Well, cheers everyone!”
I looked at each and every one of them, happy to be in their company, my gaze lingering a few extra moments on Lisa. She watched me as she raised her glass, her eyes shining. The others had already finished their shots by then, already talking about something else I didn't hear and I looked back at her; she didn't look away as she emptied her glass and brought a lime slice to her mouth.
At that moment, I knew that she was on to me and there was no doubt in my mind that she knew what I thought of her. How I felt about her. I saw it in her eyes, in the way she looked back at me. I felt as if everything around me happened in slow motion and like the world was closing in on me. I couldn't turn away.
I skipped the salt and emptied my glass too; the distinct flavor and the strength of the liquid making my eyes water. God, how I didn't like the taste! I grabbed a large slice of lime and sucked the juice out of it. Lisa was still watching me and she smiled.
“Too strong for you, huh?”
I knew she was teasing me and I felt myself getting hot. It was insane, the way she affected me. I mean, I had most certainly been around women before but she made me feel like I was close to one for the first time.
“No, not really, it's just the damn taste of the thing. I still haven't learned to appreciate it”, I tried to explain and she laughed at me.
I felt the burning sensation in my throat and stomach and by then the alcohol had begun serving its purpose of calming me down a little. I couldn't stand the heat emanating from within, though, so I took my jacket off, feeling slightly more comfortable, but not enough.
“How about one more, then?” I challenged her. “Are you up for it?”
“Sure, Avery, if you can handle it”.
I winked at her and stood up, sensing the tequila giving me some well needed fake confidence.
“Anyone else want another drink?”
As expected, they all wanted more tequila so I brought the tray with me as I went to the bar to get some more, feeling that I needed to get away from there for a while. I took a deep breath as I stood there, leaning against the bar while waiting for our drinks. I looked over at our table. They were all involved in a conversation about something, laughing from time to time and I was thankful that they took such good care of Lisa. I really wanted her to have a good time and by the look of it, she seemed to be.
She was sitting with her back against me, but she must have sensed that I was watching because after a while she turned around. She smiled towards me and I instinctively considered turning away, but I didn't. I wasn't going to pretend any more. I wanted her and I was going to let her know it. I didn't take my eyes from her until the bartender gave me our drinks, drawing my attention to something else. I think she got the message.
***
The evening was a success and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, I knew I did. We had a few more drinks and talked about everything but work. We didn't break up until around midnight when Will had to go home. He had to work the next day, so his wife was picking him up.
“Wow, I'm going to have a really nice day at work tomorrow”, he joked, putting on his jacket as we stepped outside. “The day after tequila always is”.
He was the only one of us having to work the next day so I felt sorry for him. He had a late shift, though, so he was going to be ok by then, but still. I was glad I wouldn't have to work.
I suspected that I'd have a hell of a headache the day after. I had drunken far too much tequila. I'd had to. To stay calm enough around Lisa. I had loved spending the evening with her, but she had a tendency to get a bit physical when she spoke. You know, touching and things like that. Only arms and hands mostly, but to me it could have just as well been other places, considering how the feeling of her hands on my body affected me. It was torture, plain and simple…
“Well, here she comes, my beautiful wife”, Will said as the blue SUV stopped by the sidewalk in front of us.
I smiled because I could tell that he was a bit drunk. Emma, his wife, stepped out of the car and walked up to us. They have been together since high school, but he still talks about her like that. It is nice to see. That things can be like that. But it isn't strange of him to feel like that; Emma is great. He would be a fool otherwise.
“Hi, Avery”, she said as I kissed her on the cheek. “I hope he hasn't been drinking too much”. She nodded towards her husband.
“He always becomes quite a handful when he does”.
She winked at me as she turned towards Lisa and I introduced them to each other.
“Are you two…?” Emma asked as she smiled at me, making a gesture between me and Lisa.
“No!” I quickly interrupted her. Maybe too quickly, but shit, did everyone have to embarrass me? I felt myself getting red and warm again as I glanced over at Lisa. This time the tequila was not enough to make me feel calm. She smiled and I saw her watching me, but she didn't say anything.
“Oh, ok, it just looked like… well I don't know. My mistake. I'm sorry, Avery”, Emma said and kissed me on the cheek. She winked at Lisa.
“Well, it was nice to meet you. I suspect I'll see you around. Now I'm going to take my husband home and get him into bed”.
She hugged Kate and Eric too and helped Will into the passenger seat before leaving.
I didn't dare look at Lisa, who was standing beside me. I felt so embarrassed. Emma had obviously thought that we were dating. I wondered what she was thinking about that; no one could have not caught the meaning of Emma's question. Was I that obvious?
Probably.
“So who wants to share a cab?” Kate asked as she looked around at us and waved one in. Eric complied since his place is in the same part of town as Kate's. I considered it at first too. It would get me home quicker, but I decided to take a walk home instead, needing to clear my head. I wasn't that drunk, but I certainly felt the effects of the tequila and figured it would be good for me to get some fresh air.
“Ok, Avery”, she said as she gave me a hug. “Call me when you get home”.
I promised her that I would.
“What about you, Lisa?” she continued.
“I think I'll walk too”.
I could see Lisa glancing over at me briefly.
“It's a nice night, so…”
Kate only nodded as she smiled at me, as did Eric I could see as they got into the cab; he waved at me teasingly.
“Ok, then, be safe you two”, she added before closing the door.
I stood there, watching their cab drive away, feeling my nervousness returning. I was once again alone with Lisa.
“I had a really nice time tonight”, she said as we started walking towards her place.
“You have really nice friends; I like them”.
She watched me as she walked beside me.
“Thanks for inviting me, Avery”.
“Well, it was my pleasure, really”, I admitted, looking back at her.
She smiled, but turned away.
I took a deep breath, feeling the cold air filling my lungs. As she had said; it was a nice night. The sky was clear and even though the air was cool, I wasn't freezing at all. I glanced over at her again as I saw her closing her jacket. Apparently she was.
She was so beautiful. I closed my eyes, taking another deep breath. I was so in love with her; I realized that as she walked there next to me. So what was I going to do now? I had just met her. The feeling overwhelmed me. I had always nurtured the opinion that love at first sight is just something you see in the movies and things like that; wishful thinking by naive people who don't want to accept that no such thing exists. Kate always called me cynical.
I had never expected that it would happen to me. It had totally thrown me off balance. I had always had a pretty clear view of how to do things, but at that moment I had no idea.
I opened my eyes, sensing Lisa was watching me. She looked at me curiously.
“What are you thinking about?”
I didn't know what to tell her. I mean what could I say? That I was in love with her and that I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever met? That she made me feel like nothing else mattered to me anymore? Or maybe that I wanted her so much that all I could think of when I was near her was how I wanted to touch her, how I wanted to make love to her?
“Nothing in particular, really”, I lied and tried to smile towards her. “It's a lovely night, isn't it?”
“Yeah, it is”, she answered.
I could see in her face that she didn't believe me; that I had simply been thinking about the weather. Ever since I met her, I always felt like she could see right through me, so I turned away.
We walked the remaining couple of hundred meters in silence. I didn't dare say anything to her, afraid to say something I shouldn't. I didn't trust myself in her company.
I followed her up to the front door of her house, not wanting to leave her alone. Well, not wanting to leave her at all, really.
“Well, good night Avery”, she said as she turned to face me. “Are you sure you'll be ok walking all the way home by yourself. Maybe I should call you a cab?”
I smiled, trying to reassure her. Apparently she was worried about me.
“Thanks Lisa, but I'll be fine, I promise. It's not that far”.
She was quiet for a few seconds as she glanced over at me.
“Will you call me when you get home?”
I saw on her face that she was uncertain as if she was embarrassed to ask, but she kept looking at me, not turning away.
“Give me your hand”, she ordered as she took out a pen from her handbag. “I'll give you my cell phone number”.
I smiled at her; she was so determined. How could I deny her? I extended my hand towards her and she took it in hers. I could see that her hand was trembling a little as she wrote her number on the palm of my hand. Maybe she was just cold.
“There”, she concluded as she looked back at me, smiling.
She had such a sexy smile, her perfect lips slightly separated. I just wanted to kiss her, to feel those lips against mine.
I had to tear my eyes away or I would simply walk up to her and kiss her right there. I knew that I needed to get away from her, even though I sure as hell didn't want to.
“Thank you, I'll call you when I get home. Good night, Lisa”, I said to her and turned around, before I had the chance to do something I probably would regret afterwards. I couldn't restrain myself from turning around once more as I walked away. She was still standing there, waving at me and I waved back.
It took me about 15 minutes to walk to my place and all the way home I thought about the evening and how much I had loved spending time with her. And thanks to my nosy friends, I mused, I knew more about her now than I had before, being far too scared to ask her myself. I now knew that she lived and had moved here by herself and that she wasn't in a relationship with anyone. It had lifted my spirits up considerably.
I smiled as I opened the door to my apartment building, taking the staircase two steps at a time. I knew I should be tired, but I felt a strange kind of energy running through me for some reason. I could even have gone for a run, since I almost didn't know what to do with myself, but I knew that was a bad idea, since I had been drinking.
I took my jacket and boots off and went to sit down on the couch, even though I knew that I wouldn't be able to relax. I had to calm myself down a bit. Somehow.
I looked at the palm of my hand where she had written her number. I had already memorized it, but I didn't want to wash it off. Lame, I know, but still.
Remembering that I'd promised to call Kate as well I went back to the hall to get my cell phone from my jacket. I figured I would call her first.
We talked for a few minutes; she had obviously had a good time too.
“You and Lisa seemed to be in a world of your own there for a while, Avery”, she said and I could hear on her voice that she was smiling. I smiled to myself, too, since it had most certainly felt like it.
“You know, I think she's got feelings for you too, it's quite obvious. Even Eric said so on our way home. I just don't think she's aware of it, though”, she continued.
I knew that she would never say things like that if she didn't mean them, so I thought about what she had said after we had hung up. I'd had a feeling all night that Lisa was flirting with me, but I hadn't been sure if it was just wishful thinking on my part. When Kate had said so, though, it made me think that maybe there was something to it. We hadn't talked much more of it, since she was tired and on her way to bed, but her words had planted a seed, a very tiny seed, of hope in me that, maybe, Lisa could come to want me as well, just like I wanted her.
I watched the numbers she had written on my skin again; it was all I had of hers. I dialed the number and she answered after only one signal.
“Hi, it's Avery”, I said. “You wanted me to call when I got home, so now I do”, I continued, trying to sound casual. I didn't want to seem too clingy.
“Good”, she replied, sounding relieved. “I was beginning to worry, actually, it's been an hour since you left”.
I loved the sound of her voice, it soothed me somehow.
“You didn't have to stay up, Lisa”, I told her, but I was glad that she had. I wanted to speak to her, to hear her voice. I saw her only an hour earlier, but already missed her.
I heard her laughing slightly at the other end.
“It's ok, I wanted to, but I haven't really stayed up; I'm lying in bed, actually”.
“Oh…”
I didn't know what else to say, once again seeing her before my eyes. I laid down on the sofa, placing a few cream colored pillows underneath my head, making myself more comfortable. I hadn't turned on the lights, so it was rather dark in the room, only the moonlight was present, making me able to just outline the contours of the furniture.
“Yeah, you must be tired, I guess”, I added. I mean, it was well after midnight.
“Yeah, I suppose I should be, but strangely enough I'm not, actually”.
I could hear on her voice that she was smiling. I closed my eyes. I didn't want to hang up; I wanted to keep hearing her voice, but as usual I didn't know what to say to her.
“So what are you doing this weekend?” she asked me after a few seconds of silence from both of us.
I opened my eyes and looked up into the ceiling, knowing that I wanted nothing more than to spend as much time with her as possible. But at the same time it frightened me immensely, because being in her presence affected me so profoundly. It was Friday, or actually Saturday morning by then and I didn't have to go to work until Monday morning, so I was free to do anything.
“Nothing special, I guess”.
I wondered why she was asking.
“Well, I was wondering if maybe you want to get together some time during the weekend. If you want to, that is. I thought that perhaps you could show me around?”
She went quiet and all I could hear was the faint sound of her breathing at the other end.
I closed my eyes again. I knew that I shouldn't read too much into the fact that she wanted to see me again off work, despite what Kate had said. She was new in town and hardly didn't know anyone except me, so her question was by no means strange.
But I wanted it to mean something. Anything.
“Sure”, I said, immediately wondering what I was getting myself into. “I can pick you up tomorrow if you like?”
“Yeah, that sounds perfect”, she decided. She seemed happy. “Maybe sometime around lunch?”
I couldn't do anything but comply. Anything she wanted was fine with me.
“Ok, then, whatever you say”, I continued, realizing I sounded like an idiot. “I'll give you my number in case something comes up”.
She started laughing at the other end.
“That's ok, Avery. I already have your number on my cell since you called me just now”.
I just shook my head at myself. She made me so damn confused.
“Yeah, that's right. I didn't think about that”, I confessed and started laughing as well.
“Maybe you've just got other things on your mind”, she concluded.
She had stopped laughing by then and the sound of her sexy voice made my heart start pounding in my chest.
“Yeah, I guess I have”, I teased. This time she didn't answer.
“I'll see you tomorrow, Lisa”.
I heard a short “ok” at the other end of the line before I hung up. I smiled to myself. I would have her, no matter what it took.
To be continued in Chapter four…
Chapter four
For disclaimers see Chapter one…
I was sitting by my computer in my office at the hospital, taking some notes, when I heard the door open behind me. It was late and my shift, as well as most people's, was over.
It was raining heavily and it was pitch dark outside, making the window in front of me seem more like a black wall than a window.
As I turned around, I saw Lisa standing there with a look on her face I hadn't seen before.
I could drown in those eyes. For a moment I felt as if I was glued to the chair; I couldn't move. Or speak. I felt my heart start pounding in my chest. Pounding hard.
She locked the door behind her and slowly stepped closer, now standing right in front of me. Her eyes were so intense as she looked right at me, not even blinking. I stood up, surprised.
I opted to say something but she put her hand on my mouth, stopping me.
“Hush”, she whispered.
She looked me straight in the eyes as she started removing my lab coat, slowly sliding it down my arms and letting it drop onto the office floor before taking her short sleeved scrubs off as well. I felt my mouth go dry and my eyes were drawn to her lace covered breasts like a magnet to iron.
She moved even closer to me and roughly pressed me up against my desk, making the charts I'd been going through fall down onto the floor as she put her hand behind my head, guiding me towards her.
You could almost touch the tension in the room and I felt as if I couldn't breathe as her mouth was only inches from mine.
I couldn't believe this was actually happening! I had wanted this so much. Our lips met and I could hear her moan into my mouth as she deepened the kiss, separating my lips with her soft tongue. She tasted so good.
I put my hands on her backside and pulled her against me, hard, sliding my hands in under the rim of her pants. Her skin was so soft against my palms and I let go of her mouth, pulling her pants down into a puddle around her ankles as I kneeled down in front of her. I could feel the warmth of her hands as she placed them on my head…
I sat up in my bed, panting heavily, suddenly wide awake. My heart was pounding like a hammer in my chest and my t-shirt was soaking wet. I ran my sweaty hands through my hair. My God, what a dream… shit… It had been so realistic I had to look around me in the dim light of the room to confirm to myself where I actually was. The way my body felt surely made me feel like it had been nothing but real.
I got out of bed and opened the door to the balcony, stepping out into the cool spring night. Everything was quiet, not even the birds were awake. You could see faint light starting to show at the horizon, but it was still dark. I took a deep breath as I shook my head at myself.
I couldn't handle them anymore, these feelings I had for her. They consumed me, day and night. If I was near her or not. In my sleep.
I sat down on one of the wooden chairs, looking up at the endless sky. It was clear and you could see the stars, millions of them.
“What the fuck am I going to do?” I thought to myself as I sat there. I mean I was supposed to meet her later that day. How was I supposed to handle that? I wasn't even sure that I would be able to look at her. Or to look at her without seeing her as in my dream. One week earlier I hadn't even known she existed and now, only a few days later, she was all that existed for me.
I didn't want to go back to sleep, afraid that the dream would reappear. I needed to get out. I returned to the bedroom and put my training clothes on, intending to go for a run. It was only 5 a.m., I realized when I looked over at the alarm clock, but I didn't care. It was dark out, of course, at this hour, but the track is always lit at night so there wouldn't be a problem running there. If mum had known I was out there on my own in the dark, though, she would have been so angry with me…
I ran my usual round, only faster than I normally did. A lot faster. I tried to run as fast as I could so that I wouldn't be able to think about anything but my breathing.
I ran at my maximum all the way until I reached the end of the track. My chest was aching and I struggled to try to catch my breath when I finally allowed myself to stop, fighting desperately against the nausea that threatened to take me over. Exhausting myself after a night where I had been drinking tequila wasn't one of the best ideas I'd come up with, but I couldn't think of anything else that could possibly work.
I sat down on the cold, dew covered grass, leaning my back against the trunk of a tree and closed my eyes. My plan had worked, at least temporarily. I was so damn tired I couldn't think of anything just then. I just sat there for a long time, until I had calmed down sufficiently enough to go home.
The sun was starting to rise, accompanied by the intense singing of the birds and I saw a single jogger running past me as I sat there, looking at me and wondering what the hell I was doing, sitting there on the ground. I could see it in his face. I smiled to myself as I got up from the ground and brushed myself off. I bet he would have a lot of things on his mind too if he was in my position.
I took a quick shower when I got home and then made myself a large breakfast. I had a slight headache as I had expected, due to the tequila I drank the night before, and eating a lot usually helps, so that's what I did.
I wasn't supposed to meet Lisa until around 12, so I occupied myself with some work, reading a little. I felt that I was able to concentrate a little bit better, at least, after my workout. I smiled at myself as I sat there by the desk in my home office. I would have to run two marathons a week from now on to be able to keep my mind on other things than Lisa.
There wouldn't be anything left of me.
***
As I drove to Lisa's place to pick her up, I tried to make up a plan in my mind as to where to take her. She hadn't said anything about it really, concerning where she wanted to go, so I figured I would decide. I also expected that was what she wanted. Something told me so.
I parked the car by the sidewalk outside her house and since I was a bit early, I decided to go and get her. I walked into the building and looked at the names on the board on the wall and realized that I didn't even know her last name.
There was only one last name with an L in front of it, though, so I was lucky enough. It must be her. I didn't want to knock on the wrong door.
“Lisa Blake”.
I smiled to myself. I think I would have been able to pick her name out among ten Lisas.
She apparently lived on the second floor so I took the stairs up to her apartment, standing outside her front door like an idiot. I am usually rather shy and always have been, but this was insane. I was actually starting to get pissed off at myself, because it made me behave in a way I didn't want to, doing and saying the wrong things most of the time I spent in her company.
I felt my heart start pounding from the prospect of seeing her again and almost regretted having come there. I stood there, hesitating, for a few minutes before daring to ring the doorbell. For a few moments I even considered going back to the car.
I could hear steps on the other side of the door before it opened.
My mouth went dry when I saw her. She had a pair of jeans and a white shirt on, the top buttons open, and no makeup. I liked it and as I had expected, she didn't need it anyway. She looked just as beautiful without, if not more so.
“Hi, Avery”, she said as she made room for me to enter. “Come in”.
I walked inside, trying not to stare at her too much, even though I was pretty sure that me trying to look as if I wasn't looking, made me seem even weirder than if I would just behave normally. I mean, it's quite normal to look at someone when you talk to them.
I just simply couldn't make myself.
“I was a bit early so I decided to come up here to get you”, I managed to say as I busied myself by taking my shoes off. Last night's dream had started to make an appearance in my mind again as soon as I saw her and I felt kind of guilty when she watched me. I just wanted to get rid of the images she evoked in my mind, kind of like when your brain runs a song you don't even like over and over again in your head and you can't get it to stop.
“No, that's ok. We didn't decide a specific time anyway. You'll have to excuse the mess, though; I haven't had the time to unpack everything yet”.
She smiled towards me, looking slightly embarrassed. There were a few cartons here and there, but it wasn't that bad. And I didn't care anyway. All I had eyes for was her. No surprise there.
“Make yourself at home”, she said as she showed me in. “I just have to fix myself up a bit before we go”.
I watched her as she left for the bathroom and could hear her humming something as she went about whatever it was she was doing in there.
The place was rather small, but cozy. I liked it. I could sense a faint scent of paint, so I supposed she must have painted the place herself recently. She had chosen warm, inviting colors that I thought suited her. There was a sparsely furnished larger living room slash kitchen space and a smaller bedroom, everything connected through a small hallway. Standing outside the bedroom, I smiled as I looked into it; she obviously hadn't had the time to fix the bed yet, so there was just a mattress lying on the floor.
“A bit Spartan, huh?” she smiled as she joined me in the room a couple of minutes later, making a gesture towards the so called bed.
I looked over towards her; I had just been standing by the window, looking at the view. It was nice, overlooking the park, so it seemed rather quiet since there was no traffic outside, as was the case on the other side of the building. I just smiled at her, but didn't answer.
“It serves its purpose, though. For now”, she added as she put on a grey, thin cardigan over her blouse. She looked so good. I guess I would have thought so even if she had worn a sack, but she did look great. I could see her looking at me for a while and I wondered what she was thinking.
“Well, I'm ready”, she said after a while. “Is it cold outside?”
It wasn't really that cold, but it was a normal day at the end of April, so the weather wasn't all that reliable. I had put on a rather warm jacket, since we were bound to be outside for quite some time and advised her to do the same so she did.
***
I had decided to take her on a tour around the city center first, showing her around a little and letting her know where she could find stores and restaurants. She had told me in the car that she hadn't had the time to go anywhere since she moved here, because of the long hours at work and the time it took her to fix up her apartment, and that she had needed to do some shopping and buy a few things for some time. That was perfect since I needed to get some things myself; most importantly a pair of new jogging shoes, since my old ones were a little worse for wear after the winter.
Normally, I don't enjoy shopping that much. There are always so many people running around, making me stressed and irritated. I have always been more of a solitary person or at most spending my time with my family or with a few good friends, avoiding crowded places to my best ability. That day was different. Being around her was what made all the difference. She was so calm and her energy was like a contagion for me, infecting me with her serenity. She was also really fun to be around, teasing me and making jokes, always laughing when she made me embarrassed. I didn't mind at all since my prize was seeing her lovely smile.
“My God, my back is killing me”, I said when we exited what honestly felt like the 100 th store. She had so many bags I hardly had room for them in my hands. I considered going back to the car to leave them there before we continued, but I'd had to park further away than I had wanted to, since all the parking spots more close by were occupied. It was Saturday after all. It would just take too long though, so I decided against it.
She smiled at me as I stretched my back, to tease her.
“Don't be so stubborn, Avery, give me some of the bags”.
I shook my head as I smiled back.
“No, it's ok. You just concentrate on your shopping, Lisa”.
She just laughed at me as she put her hand on my arm.
“You're so sweet”.
The way she reacted afterwards told me that the words had just slipped out, but God I felt good. I sucked up her words like a sponge. She became slightly flushed and turned away from me and I lifted up her bags again after having put them on the ground for a while.
I felt a drop of rain on my face and looked up at the sky. It was getting darker and darker by the second and I figured it was best if we made our way somewhere indoors. I had planned on taking her for a walk in the park, maybe sitting down on a bench and eat ice cream or something before we went back, but the prospects of that were getting worse and worse due to the change in weather.
“Are you hungry?” I asked her.
I guessed food would be a diversion that could work, since she likes to eat, otherwise I feared that she would only be buying more stuff. I mean, she had already bought two pairs of jeans, three blouses, a pair of boots, one sweatshirt and some underwear. And a bra.
I smiled at myself as I stood there, feeling the drops of rain touching my face in shorter and shorter intervals. I had been so embarrassed when she asked me for advice on which one to buy. My decision of trying to get my act together wasn't working so well right then. I don't know if she had done it on purpose or if she was just clueless as to what was going on in my mind.
She had bought a white one. With lace lining the outside. It was innocent and at the same time so damn sexy. I could only imagine how it would look on her. And, as you probably suspect, I had thought about it. I had imagined it. All the time.
***
I took her to an Italian restaurant that was close by to get away from the ever increasing rain. It's my favorite. The restaurant is located slightly below street level, with small, rectangular windows slightly below the ceiling, which adds to the ambiance. It's warm and cozy and rather small, but with great food. You sit by small tables covered with red and white checkered table cloths, with lit candles in old wine bottles placed on them. It would be the perfect place if you wanted to seduce someone. I had been there before, many times, with friends or my family. Or by myself when I had felt like it, but I had never taken a woman there. This was the first time.
“Wow, I like this place”, she said when we sat down by one of the tables by the windows and the waitress gave us the menus. “It's so romantic”.
She smiled towards me briefly before looking away at her menu. It was romantic, she was right about that. If you were to describe the word “romantic” in a dictionary, you would write down the name of this place. I don't know, maybe she knew that's why I took her there. I smiled to myself. I would use every trick I could come up with from now on and I didn't care if she knew it or not.
“What would you like to drink?” I asked Lisa as I saw the waitress approaching our table.
I could feel my hands becoming damp when she looked back at me. She put her menu back down on the table as she smiled towards me.
“I think I'm in the mood for a glass of wine. I need something to warm me up. The rain made me slightly cold”.
I simply looked at her for a few moments. She was so close to me I could reach out and touch her if I wanted to. And I wanted to. I had never wanted to touch a woman as much as I wanted to touch her then. My dream reappeared before my eyes again and I know that she must have seen how flushed I became even though I turned my attention back to the menu. I realized that this had been a really bad idea.
I could see her before me as she was then, wearing only her bra, and I could feel her mouth against mine, her tongue touching mine, as if it had been real and not a dream at all. She had run her fingers through my hair as she had pressed me against her. My God, I couldn't stop seeing it before me. And I still felt it, so strongly. It is strange how you can physically feel something that you actually haven't felt. It was as if I truly had experienced it before somehow. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard.
“Can I take your order?” the waitress asked as she smiled towards me.
I had to clear my throat, but even so, my voice was hardly more than a whisper. I tried to ignore Lisa's amused smile as she watched me. Did I always have to embarrass myself like this?
“Yeah, sure”.
I directed my attention towards the waitress and away from Lisa, grateful for the interruption, and realized I hadn't even decided what I wanted.
“What would you like, Lisa?”
I figured that she could order first; I needed more time. Food was the last thing on my mind.
“I think I'll have the cannelloni; it sounds really good”.
She smiled towards the waitress who was writing her order down, before turning her attention back to me.
“What about you, Avery?”
The waitress looked at me curiously. I still hadn't made up my mind, so I simply ordered the same. I honestly didn't care what I ate, I just wanted the images, which were still on my retina, to go away.
“We'll have a bottle of Chianti as well”, I added before she left. I needed a drink. I smiled guiltily towards Lisa as the waitress walked away. She just smiled back.
“This is a really nice place. Do you come here often?”
I nodded as I looked around me. There hadn't been that many people in the restaurant when we came, but now more and more came in; almost all of the tables were occupied by then. The weather probably had a lot to do with it even though the place is almost always crowded.
“Yeah, I guess you could call me a regular. The food here is really good”.
The waitress returned with the wine together with some bread and a small, white bowl of light green olive oil to dip it in. She poured us each a glass before leaving once again. I took a sip, even though I honestly just wanted to empty all of it at once, hoping that the wine would calm me down a bit.
And sooner rather than later, I thought to myself as I looked at the blonde woman sitting in front of me. I watched her, mesmerized, as she took a piece of the crunchy bread and soaked it in olive oil before putting it in her mouth. She closed her eyes and I even thought I heard a faint moan. Or maybe my own mind imagined it, I don't know.
I could see a small drop of the green liquid escaping her lips, slowly running down her chin. The sight almost made my heart stop, from the raw sensuality of it. I had to swallow hard. Oh my God…
She opened her eyes and looked at me as she wiped it away with her napkin.
“This is so good”, she said simply and made a gesture towards the bread and oil.
I just nodded and took a large mouthful of my wine, before pouring me some more. I wasn't able to get my mouth to produce a single word at that point. She took a sip of her wine as well and smiled at me. I knew perfectly well how nervous I looked.
I wouldn't have been able to disguise it even if someone gave me a million bucks for it.
Luckily for me our food arrived then and it occupied her for a while, making me able to get some of my focus back.
It was really nice being in her company and it had been, all day. We sat there and ate our pasta and talked about this and that; small things from our lives. It was really she who drew the conversation forward; I just sat there and admired her and listened to the stories she told. I couldn't stop thinking about her as I watched her. I loved the way she seemed to devour her food, making me wonder if she enjoyed everything as much and if she, when she did, showed it to the same extent.
“Have you always wanted to become a doctor, Avery?”
She put her spoon down after taking a large bite of the dessert she had ordered. It looked really good, but I was way too full to be able to get anything more down. She, on the other hand, obviously could. God how I liked it! I was amazed by how she still could look like she did; gorgeous as hell and with a body to die for.
“Yeah, I have. Since I was a kid. My dad is one, so I guess it's in my blood somehow. I was always intrigued by the things he told me about his work when I grew up, so that was what started my interest, probably”.
She smiled towards me and took another mouthful of her tiramisu.
“He must be very proud of you”.
“I guess. He and mum never imposed any opinions on me or my brothers concerning what we should or shouldn't do when it comes to work. My mum is a teacher and my brothers who are both older than me, always had other interests than medicine, but I have never felt obligated in any way even though I've always suspected that he's pleased that I became a doctor, like him”.
I smiled towards her; she had finished her dessert and was sitting with her elbow resting on the table and her head leaning against her hand, just watching me as I spoke. I was amazed by how she seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. She made me feel more comfortable than I had in a long time.
“Are you full now?” I teased her and she started laughing as she leaned back in her chair and patted her stomach.
“Yeah, I am”, she admitted, almost looking embarrassed.
She returned my smile and just looked at me for a few seconds, but she didn't say anything else. I realized that I had to do some of the talking as well if I wanted to continue the conversation. Which I most certainly did. I had mostly let her do it, since I was more preoccupied by looking at her. And trying to settle my emotions slightly. But, I desperately wanted to know more about her.
“What about you, why did you become a nurse?”
I took a sip of the wine l had left, still holding on to the glass as I leaned back in my chair, trying to relax a bit.
“I know it sounds like a cliché, like something everyone say, but I really wanted to help people. I know it's like a standard answer, but it's just the way I feel. And I've always loved children, so I guess there you have it”, she laughed.
I smiled back. I had no doubt that everything was just like she said. It was so typically her. I had seen her at work; she was so perfect for it.
“So how do you like it here, then”, I continued. “Is everything as you had expected it to be now that you've worked here for a few days?”
She looked at me, her smile now gone, and I sensed something from her that I couldn't interpret. It was just a feeling I had that I can't describe.
“No, it isn't”, she answered. “It turned out to be a lot better, actually”.
I smiled, but had to turn my eyes away from the intensity of hers. I didn't know how to answer.
“I really regret not having left my life there behind me sooner, though”, she added after a while.
I looked back towards her, wondering what she meant.
“Why, did something happen?”
Her look worried me a bit; the same sad look as she had a few nights ago had returned. She smiled a sad smile as she watched me.
“No, nothing special; I just came home from work one night, only to find my boyfriend in bed with someone else”.
She shook her head, at herself I guess, giving me an excusing smile.
“I'm sorry, Avery, I don't mean to ruin such a great day. I just feel so damn stupid”.
Once again she looked like she was about to cry and I reached out and placed my hand on hers.
“I'm sorry, Lisa”, I said. I couldn't believe that someone could do something like that to her, or that anyone could actually want to be with someone else when they could be with her.
I know that men are stupid, but seriously, that was beyond stupid! I was so angry, I guess she must have noticed because she took my hand in hers and squeezed it.
“It's ok, really”, she said. “I'm actually glad that I found out; it made me realize that I don't love him”.
She looked away from me.
“If I ever have”, she added silently, as if to herself, but I heard her. I didn't answer. I couldn't deny that I was glad that she had moved here, no matter the reason for it.
“Enough talking about my stupid problems”, she joked as she let go of my hand. “What about you, Avery, are you with someone?”
She made the question sound so casual, but I was curious as to why she really asked.
“No, I'm not”.
I watched her as I stated that fact and I didn't miss the quick, faint smile that my answer evoked, a smile that I could see her trying to suppress. I smiled back at her, making her turn away.
“I will have you, Lisa”, I thought to myself as I waved at the waitress to come with the bill. I knew that she liked me, I'm not stupid. I could see it.
“This one is on me”, I told her as she reached for her bag that was hanging on her chair. She smiled gratefully towards me.
“Thank you, Avery. I'll buy you dinner next time then”.
I couldn't help smiling at her when I saw her embarrassed look. “Next time” was what she had said, it meant that she wanted there to be one. If I could decide, there wouldn't just be one next time; there would be many more than that.
“I'm looking forward to it”, I replied, smiling to myself as I grabbed our bags and walked behind her as we left the restaurant. I could tell she had enjoyed the day as well.
I held the door up for her as we stepped out into the rain, which had now escalated significantly. It was almost dark by then and when I looked at my watch, I realized that we had been in the restaurant for over two hours. The street was practically empty, since the stores had already closed for the day and the quiet sound of the falling rain was a sharp contrast to the humming sound from the mix of some twenty voices in the restaurant.
I hadn't parked the car that far away from where the restaurant is located, but when we got to it we were both soaking wet just the same. None of us had brought an umbrella; I for one had had too many other things on my mind all morning to be able to remember such a thing. I opened the trunk and put her bags in as she sat down in the passenger's seat.
It wasn't more than maybe a ten minute drive to Lisa's home. We drove there in silence.
I couldn't come up with anything more to say to her and she didn't talk either. Even so, the silence between us was by no means uncomfortable. It actually felt good to just sit there with someone, without feeling the need to talk just for the sake of it. Just to make time pass by quicker or something like that.
I looked over at her from time to time making her smile towards me every time. I suspected that my behavior was a bit strange, but the way she smiled at me made my skin tingle.
I couldn't help myself. Lisa didn't look uncomfortable either, just the opposite actually, which made me feel good. It was so clear to me that we were on the same page in so many ways. I had never felt so at ease in anyone's company in my life. Yeah, she made me nervous as hell, that's true, but I mean at ease in a different way. The way you feel when you feel safe with someone, when you trust them and when you know you don't have to pretend, play games or try to be someone you're not. I knew we didn't really know each other that well, but I felt like that in her company anyway. It just felt so natural in a so damn strange way. It all felt so good. I just wanted to reach out and take her hand in mine, to hold it. To feel her. I just gripped the steering wheel harder…
“Thank you for today, Avery”, Lisa said when I parked the car outside her house. “I had a really nice time”.
I'd had a really nice time, too and I told her so when we had gotten out of the car, standing at the sidewalk. I didn't know what else to say and just stood there with my hands deep down the pockets of my jeans. I didn't want our time together to end, though.
I didn't let her in on that, however. She smiled towards me. It was still raining and she swept some of the water away from her face with the back of her hand.
“Would you like to come up for a drink?”
I looked at her as I thought about how to answer. Would I want to come up to her place for a drink? Yeah, I wanted to obviously, but I was afraid I would do something stupid. Being with her always put a strain on my ability to control myself. It was so hard for me, so I decided that I should decline her offer. It was the best thing to do. And certainly the safest. I looked into her green eyes; she was watching me, waiting.
“Sure”, I heard myself say as I opened my damn mouth to turn her down.
***
“Here, give me your jacket”, Lisa instructed me as we entered her apartment a while later. “I'll hang it up to dry for a while”.
The rain had escalated during our drive, making us totally drenched just from running the short distance from my car to her house.
“Make yourself comfortable, Avery”, she added and gestured towards the living room.
She took my jacket and went to hang it up somewhere; it was dripping, making puddles of water on her hallway floor.
I went there, as she had instructed me to, and sat down on the brown leather couch.
I looked around the room again; I really liked it. It was so her, somehow. Warm and cozy, with a lot of color, but without being too much. There were some boxes standing towards one wall, which she obviously hadn't had the time to unpack, but the rest of the room was neat and nicely furnished, not with too many things lying around. I liked it.
The couch was placed facing the tall windows, offering a great view of the park. It was really comfortable and even smelled like her. There was a beautiful dining room table and matching chairs in the far corner of the room and the entire wall to the left was filled with shelves from one end to the other, displaying what must have been hundreds of books. She seemed to have taken her time to unpack those first.
Wow, and I thought I like to read…
She was gone for a few minutes and when she returned, she had changed into a pair of grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt. A rather tight one, might I add. Yes, that was the first thing I noticed…
“Give me your shirt as well, Avery”, she told me as she joined me. “Otherwise you'll be caching a cold for sure. You should listen to me, I'm a nurse you know”.
She smirked as she extended her hand towards me. I smiled as I sat there and watched her and simply did as she said; the thing was wet and cold against my skin and it felt good to get it off my body. The white tank top I had on underneath had managed to stay dry for the most part, at least. She watched me closely as I took the shirt off and handed it to her, I could see that. I really liked the way she looked at me. It made me want to walk up to her and rip all of her clothes off her body.
I smiled at her and she cleared her throat as she hanged the grey shirt over a chair by the dining table.
“You can borrow a t-shirt or a sweater from me if you want, but I… ehm… well I'm not sure they will fit you…”
I could feel my confidence increasing as she kept looking at me.
“No, that's fine, Lisa, I'm ok. I'm feeling quite warm, actually”.
And I was. The closeness of her body, her scent and the look in her eyes would have kept me warm even in Antarctica…
“Yeah… ehm… what would you like to drink?”
Her voice was harsh and she turned around, away from my gaze.
“Anything will be just fine, Lisa. I'll just have the same as you”.
She went to the kitchen and came back a few moments later with a bottle of bourbon along with two glasses before sitting down beside me on the couch. She poured us both a drink, a quite large one, and placed a glass on the table in front of me. She took a sip from her own.
“Would you like some ice?”
She looked at me and smiled an uncertain smile as she opted to stand up, to go and get some, I guess. She suddenly seemed uneasy in a way, not relaxed at all, but I wasn't sure why. Had I done something wrong? If I had, I had no clue as to what that might have been.
“No, I'm fine, Lisa. Thank you”.
I instinctively put my hand on her thigh to make her stay in place. She didn't have to get up.
I couldn't make myself remove it as she looked at me. My hand was so warm and I could feel her pulse just by touching her leg. It was rapid. Several seconds went by and for a moment, a short moment, I saw her leaning slightly forward, towards me, maybe just an inch. As if she wanted to kiss me.
But she stopped herself and turned away, reaching for her glass again, taking a mouthful of her drink. I leaned back against the couch as I watched her; she seemed to be lost in thought, just looking into the wall.
I took a mouthful of my bourbon as well. Maybe I should just leave? Go home. I knew it would be for the best. I didn't want to impose myself on her. Or confuse her. From the story she had told me and from the way she looked, I knew she must be. I could certainly see that she had some kind of feelings for me; that was fairly clear. I just didn't know what they were and I wasn't sure if she knew either. I also knew that she was in a vulnerable state, with all that had happened in her previous relationship and I didn't want to take advantage of that, even though I was extremely drawn to her. And not only physically.
“You know what, Lisa, I think I'm going to head home. It's getting pretty late”, I excused myself as I finished my drink and stood up.
“Oh, ok. But you can stay if you want to, Avery, your clothes aren't even dry yet”.
She looked at me and I could tell that she was disappointed, but I forced myself to stay on the path I had decided on. The long and narrow path. It would be so easy to take the other one, but I didn't want to sleep with her now and risk losing her or any chance I had on having something more substantial with her. I was fairly certain that I could have if I wanted to, though. Slept with her, I mean.
“Yeah, I know. Thank you for the drink and for today, Lisa, I've had a really good time”.
I reached out for my wet shirt and put it back on, internally cursing myself for doing the right thing.
She followed me to the hallway after picking up my jacket from wherever she had hung it. The bathroom probably. She handed it to me. It was still wet. And cold as hell.
“Avery?”
She looked at me and placed her hand on my forearm after I had put it on. I was shivering from the feeling. Maybe it was from the cold fabric. Maybe it was from her touch.
“Avery, I…”
I reached out and put my fingers on her lips. It was best if she didn't say anything. I was struggling with myself enough as it was. I smiled towards her, bent forward and kissed her. On the cheek.
“Goodnight, Lisa”.
“Goodnight”, she answered, her words only a whisper.
I left her standing there, watching me, as I closed the door behind me, rapidly making my way outside and to my car, before I could change my mind and go back to her.
The rain was still pouring down as I drove home. All the way there, I thought about her. How much I wanted to be with her. So much so that when I got home and drove my car down into the garage, I had absolutely no idea how the hell I got there. I had no memory of even driving there, as if all my cognitive abilities had been put on hold.
I didn't feel like doing anything at all for the rest of the evening. After having changed into some dry clothes, I just laid there on the couch, thinking. Thinking about her. My whole being was absorbed by her. My mind. My body. Just having been around her, being near her, all day made my body feel like nothing I had ever felt before in my life. I can't explain it. Turned on? Yes, but that did only cover a small part of it. There was so much more.
I turned the TV on, but turned it off just as quickly; nothing that was on interested me at all. Nothing did anymore. Nothing but her.
I fell asleep sometime during the night, but I don't remember when.
That night, I didn't dream of her.
I was grateful for that.
***
“Oh, shut up God damn it!” I said to myself as my cell rang for the third time the next morning. It had woken me up, but I didn't feel like answering. I had woken up in a really bad mood and didn't feel like talking. To anyone.
I threw the blanket away and got up from the couch to go and get the phone, since I figured it would be best to answer anyway, or turn it off, if I was to be left alone the rest of the day. As I looked out through the living room window, I could see that it was still raining, even more than the night before, in fact. It was the kind of weather that made you not want to do anything but stay inside, tucked up underneath a blanket, watching a movie or something. It was a typical Sunday. The only thing that was missing for it to be the perfect cozy Sunday indoors was the right company.
Lisa. I couldn't help thinking about her again. It would be really nice to spend the day with her, taking care of her.
“Yeah, dream on, Avery”, I thought to myself as the phone rang again, making me really irritated. Somehow I just knew that it wasn't her. I took the cell phone from the pocket of my jacket, where I had left it the night before, looking at the display.
“Hi, Kate”, I answered and went to sit back down on the couch. I could hear her laughing at the other end.
“Wow, you sound like you're in a really good mood this morning”, she joked.
“I'm sorry, I just feel like crap today for some reason”.
I pulled the blanket back over my half naked body, feeling slightly cold.
“Why, are you sick?”
I couldn't help smiling to myself as I heard how worried she sounded. She really is a good friend.
“No, Kate I'm not sick. I was with Lisa yesterday”.
She went silent for a while and I could almost hear her brain working, trying to figure my words out.
“What do you mean with her, Avery? You mean you slept with her? My God, Avery!”
I laughed at her accusing tone when I heard how angry she sounded, but I couldn't blame her. I knew perfectly well that it would have been a bad idea if I had. I hadn't intended to make her misunderstand what I had meant.
“No, I didn't sleep with her”, I calmed her. “But I sure as hell wanted to”.
I sighed and tucked the blanket even tighter around me, still feeling cold. I could also feel my nose starting to burn slightly. Maybe I would come down with a cold after all, considering how cold and wet I had been the night before? It was starting to feel like it. I knew I could have stayed with Lisa until my clothes were dry, but I honestly wasn't sure if I would have been able to keep my hands off her if I had.
“She wanted me to show her around town yesterday, since she is new here and doesn't know anyone else, so I did”, I explained. “Then I took her to Nonna's for dinner. And then she invited me home for a drink”.
I just tried to make a long story short even though I knew that Kate would interrogate me, wanting me to give her all the details.
“She invited you to her place for a drink?”
I could hear on Kate's voice that she was smiling now.
“And did you?”
“Did I what? Go up to her place?”
“Yeah, Avery, what else do you think I could mean?” she laughed. “Are all of your brain cells occupied with thinking about her?”
I just shook my head at myself, thinking that they might be. Most likely. I hadn't been thinking about anything else lately.
“Yeah, I did”, I confessed. “But it was a mistake. Not that anything happened, really, but I almost kissed her. Well, actually I think that she almost kissed me”.
I thought about it again; I was certain of the fact that she had wanted to kiss me. It wasn't just something in my mind.
“But, she didn't, huh?”
“No. And then I left, looking like an idiot, I guess”.
I explained the situation to my friend and she made me tell her everything, as always. And I mean everything, all the way down to the smallest details.
“Do you know what I think, Avery?” she concluded when I had finished talking.
“No, but please tell me”, I joked, making her laugh. We both knew that she would tell me anyway, whether I wanted to hear her opinion or not. In fact, I wanted to hear what she thought; she had always been a very good judge of character and I knew that I could always trust on her wanting only the best for me.
“I think she's in love with you, but I don't think she realizes it”.
Kate said that she could see it in the way she looked at me and I really hoped that it was true. It was all I wanted.
“What are you going to do, Avery?”
I closed my eyes. How the hell should I know? I had asked myself that question ever since I first met her. The day when everything changed.
“I don't know, Kate. I just know that I want her so much I can't think of anything else”.
She was quiet at the other end, not saying anything for quite a while.
“I don't really know what advice to give you, Avery, besides to not rush into anything. I just don't want you to get hurt. Again”.
“Yeah, I know”.
I sighed as I sat up and put the speaker on as I placed the cell phone on the table. I ran my hands through my dark hair as I shook my head. This was so hard. Why couldn't things just run smoothly for once? You know, girl meets girl. They fall in love. Then they live happily ever after.
“Maybe I should just accept the offer to teach on that course at Harvard; to get away from here for two months might be a good thing?”
It was a great opportunity and I knew that they really wanted me there. And my dad wanted me to do it as well, I knew that. I had thought about it for a while, especially these last few days. I'd had every intention of going the whole time. Until I met Lisa. Now I couldn't make up my mind.
“Yeah, maybe that's a good idea”, Kate said. “You shouldn't let things like these get in the way of something that would be great for your career. And this thing with Lisa might not lead to the result you want either, you know”.
I knew that perfectly well. She seemed confused; it was easy to see. I didn't blame her, either. I have always known who and what I am, ever since I was a kid, even though I didn't have a name for it then. I just knew that I was different. That I am different. That was probably not the case for Lisa
We talked for about a few more minutes before hanging up, but didn't discuss the subject any more. I had to think and Kate was on her way to the gym and had to go. She had asked me to go with her as I often did, but I didn't feel like it. And I also felt my throat starting to burn, so it wouldn't have been a good idea anyway.
“Great!” I said to myself as I went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. “Now I'll get sick as well”.
As if I didn't have my hands full with problems as it was.
***
As the day went by, I only felt worse and worse. My throat had started to burn like hell and when the evening came, I was shaking with fever.
“Fucking idiot”, I cursed myself. I was lying on the couch, just watching TV. I didn't have the strength to do anything else at that point. I was feeling really weak and my head started to spin every time I tried to stand up. I knew that I had no one to blame but myself. If I had only thought with my so called brain instead of letting other parts of my body dictate my actions. Then I would have gotten my act together and stayed until my clothes were dry. Some doctor…
I closed my eyes, trying to get rid of the pulsating headache. It made me feel nauseous.
I just wanted to go to sleep.
I woke up when the phone rang; I could hear it, as from far away. I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or not. I moaned as I opened my eyes. Everything was aching like hell. I must have nodded off for a while, from the fever, I guess. I reached for the phone which I had put beside me on the table, expecting Kate again.
“Hi”, I answered; my voice harsh and dark. I started coughing, which only made my throat ache even more.
“My God, Avery, are you sick?”
Even though I felt sick as hell, just hearing Lisa's voice made me feel better. I was a little bit surprised that she called.
“Yeah, a little bit”, I lied. “I just have a slight cold, I'll be fine”.
“A slight cold?” Lisa said at the other end. “From hearing your voice, it doesn't sound like it. Do you have a fever?”
I didn't answer at first. I could hear that she sounded worried and there was no need for her to be, but her tone made it hard for me to lie to her.
“Avery?”
I closed my eyes and sighed.
“Yeah”.
She went silent for a few moments.
“Are you alone?”
Once again I thought about lying to her. It would have been so much easier.
“Yeah, I am”.
I wondered why she was asking.
“You shouldn't be, Avery. Where do you live?”
My heart started to pound in my chest again, more than it already did from the fever. She intended to come here? I couldn't let her. My God! She didn't have to take care of me. And I looked like shit. I didn't want her to see me like that.
“I'll be fine, Lisa, I promise”, I tried to convince her, but she was relentless.
She made me tell her my address, instructed me to just lie down and rest and said that she would be there with me in a short while. I took a deep breath. I couldn't resist her or anything she said. I was totally powerless.
After we hung up, I forced myself to go to the bathroom. I wanted to clean myself up a little. I fought against the feeling of weakness that came over me. I even had to stop for a while and hold on to the doorpost. I felt as if I was going to throw up.
I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. I looked like crap. I was pale, so much that my skin seemed almost transparent, and I was covered in cold sweat.
I just rinsed my face off with some cold water and went to unlock the front door before lying back down on the couch. I was as tired as after one of my workouts and my t-shirt was moist from sweat. I closed my eyes and pulled the beige blanket back over me. I was so damn tired. What was this?
***
I could feel a light touch on my cheek. Was I dreaming? I realized that I had fallen asleep again and my head was pounding, as if someone was hitting me with a hammer in the same rhythm as my heartbeat. I slowly opened my eyes as I felt a light touch on my forehead.
“Avery?”
I looked right into Lisa's green eyes, watching me from only maybe two feet away. She was sitting right next to me on the couch.
“I rang the doorbell, but no one opened so I just let myself in”, she explained. “And that's a good thing, because you're burning up. My God, Avery!”
She caressed my forehead again briefly before taking her hand away.
“Here, have some of this, it will be good for you”.
She reached for a large, black mug which was standing on the table. From the little sense of smell I had left, I guessed that it was chicken soup. It looked fresh and homemade and I could see that it was in one of my cups. She must have made it herself. But how could she have made it in such a short time? It didn't add up in my fever affected brain.
“What time is it?” I asked her.
For how long had I been asleep anyway? She smiled towards me, looking slightly embarrassed.
“It's almost eight o'clock, actually. I hope you don't mind, but I have been here for a while. You were sleeping when I came and I didn't have the heart to wake you up”.
I looked at her. I actually didn't mind. Not at all. I couldn't care less how I looked right then, I was just glad and grateful that she was there and she apparently had been for over an hour, making chicken soup in my kitchen. I liked the thought of that.
“No, I don't mind, Lisa. Thank you”.
She just smiled and gave me the cup as I sat myself up a little bit more. I took a sip and I could tell that it actually was homemade. She had cut everything in these really small pieces. So considerate. I smiled to myself. I wasn't hungry at all, but it tasted really good. I hadn't eaten anything all day, except a small breakfast, which I had forced myself to eat, and I knew that I had to get something into my system if I were to get better any time soon.
I moved my feet a bit to make room for her and told her to sit down on the couch too, which she did.
She took a sip from the cup of steaming soup that she had brought for herself as well.
I could see that she was watching me.
“You know, you really don't look well, Avery. Have you been to a doctor?”
I shook my head and just smiled as our eyes met. I hate going to the doctor.
“I don't need to. I have this great nurse that takes care of me, you know”.
She smiled towards me and I could tell that she liked what I had said. I didn't mean to flirt with her, really, I just couldn't help myself. I had no idea what all of this was, but she had come to my home, even though she didn't have to and she had cooked for me. It must mean something? At least it did to me.
***
She was so nice to me all night; I felt so pampered when she brought me pillows and tucked the blanket tighter around me. It all felt so natural in a strange way. She made me tea, well she made us tea, really, and sandwiches. Even such a simple thing as tea tasted so much better in her company.“No, but seriously, Avery”, Kate continued as she took a sip from the coffee she held. “How is it up there?”
I took a sip from my cup as well, really hating the taste of the damn thing. I had gotten used to buying fresh coffee every day instead of the poison you got from the machine there in the cafeteria. I put my cup down on the table; I just couldn't drink it.
“It's been ok”, I answered. “I've tried to keep myself busy, you know”.
Kate just nodded.
“Have you talked to Lisa at all?”
I hadn't talked to her and I told her so. Not since before I left, when we had talked a few times on the phone. We hadn't talked since. The flu had kept me in bed for almost a whole week and I had left two days after that. It was almost six weeks ago now and I had missed hearing her voice, her laughter. Seeing her beautiful smile. If she only knew how many times I had held the cell phone in my hand, watching her number on the display. Dialing her number, then instantly hanging up before you could even hear a signal. Lame, I know.
She hadn't called me either, though. Maybe she didn't want to. Or maybe she was waiting, just like me. Waiting for me to call her, thinking that I didn't want to talk to her, when I didn't.
“You know, I've hung out with her a few times. Here at work, of course, but we went out for coffee a couple times as well. She is really a nice person, Avery”.
Kate was smiling towards me and I couldn't do anything but agree. Lisa was nice, really nice. And so much more than that.
I was grateful that Kate had become a friend to her as well and, judging by her words, they seemed to have hit it off. I bet they'd had a lot to talk about. I smiled to myself. They are both talkative and outspoken, so I guessed there wouldn't have been many seconds of silence between the two of them.
“She would be good for you, Avery”.
She took another sip of her coffee before placing the cup on the table. I saw her watching me. She wasn't teasing me anymore and I knew she was right.
“Yeah, I know”, I admitted. “She's all I've ever wanted”.
We simply looked at each other for a while, there wasn't really that much to say. She already knew what I was thinking. There was nothing she could say that could make things easier for me. Just being there, caring, understanding, was the best thing she could do for me right then.
“Will you be here for a while or should I come by your house tonight after work?” she asked when her beeper rang, demanding her presence elsewhere. “I guess we have to continue this conversation later”.
I smiled towards her, I couldn't help myself when I saw how pissed off she looked, probably wanting to dig deeper into the subject. I knew exactly how it was. In this line of work, you are never left alone for long, there is always somewhere you need to be.
We decided that she would come by my place after work. It was Friday and Ben was apparently away somewhere with work, so we were just going to have a drink or two and talk some more, maybe order some take-away or something. It would be nice spending time with my friend; it had been a while. I had to admit that it had also been kind of lonely being away from home. I knew people up at Cambridge as well, but wasn't close to them in the same way, in a way that make you able to talk to them about everything. It was good to be home.
I left the cafeteria with her. I didn't want to finish my coffee anyway, it tasted like shit. She had to run, so we just left it at that, since we would get together later anyway. I figured I would go to the store on my way home and buy something to drink, for later. Maybe some wine. And maybe some snacks or something. Kate's shift wasn't ending for a couple of hours anyway, so I could just as well prepare everything as opposed to just sit around and wait for her.
I was heading down the corridor, checking my mail on the cell when, suddenly, there she was before me, only a few meters away. Lisa. I could feel her presence even before I laid eyes on her. I stopped in my tracks, just looking at her as she approached me. I must have looked like an idiot. My mouth open, just staring at her. She was even more beautiful than before. She was wearing a black t-shirt and tight, light blue jeans and she had cut her hair a little. It looked good on her. Really good. She smiled towards me.
“Hi, Avery”, she said, giving me a hug. ”How are you?”
I inhaled her scent before I reluctantly let go of her; I had already held her a few moments too long as it was. I liked the way her soft hair had touched my face. All the feelings I had tried to escape from by going away returned, with full force, when I looked at her standing there before me. I ran my hand through my hair, not knowing what to do with myself.
“I'm fine”, I managed to say. “You?”
She just smiled towards me, not looking away for even a second.
“I'm fine, Avery. I've settled in ok. I really like it here. The job is great and I've managed to get the apartment fixed too, at last. I even have a real bed now”.
I couldn't help smiling as well. Wouldn't I want to make sure that it was used properly…
I didn't say that to her, of course. I would have made the mattress work too, by the way.
Or the couch. Or anything, really.
I had really missed her, more than I had realized.
We didn't talk for that long since she had to go and change her clothes before her shift started, but she took her time to make me promise to go out for coffee with her sometime during the weekend, before I went back to Cambridge.
I watched her as she walked away from me, turning around once before disappearing around the corner at the end of the corridor. She smiled towards me with a strange look in her eyes.
It made me wonder if she had seen the want in mine.
***
“You know she talked a lot about you, asked a bunch of questions”.
Kate smiled and poured us both another glass of wine as she sat down by the kitchen table. Of course she referred to the times she had been spending with Lisa. She had been one of the main topics of the evening.
I smiled to myself as I took the lasagna I had made out of the oven and placed it on the kitchen table. I took a sip of my wine as well as I sat down opposite her.
“And what did you say?”
“Oh, I just told her everything about how great you are”.
She munched on the nachos and salsa I had put in front of her as she talked. She hadn't had time to eat anything since lunch, she had told me. It was about 8 p.m. so I figured it was a good thing I had bought a bunch of snacks in addition to the things I needed to make us dinner. I had decided against ordering take-out. I'd had enough of that after eating out almost every day during the last few weeks. And it was nice to get to cook for someone as well. She had a smug look on her face as she watched me.
“Yeah, you'd better”, I clarified, smiling towards her as I served her a large piece of steaming hot lasagna.
She just laughed. She would never say anything but, I knew that. Even if it wasn't completely true. I'm not as perfect as she makes me out to be sometimes.
We had been drinking a few glasses of wine and I started to feel the effects of it. I must admit that it felt good, numbing my brain a little and that's exactly what I had wanted. I didn't want to think about anything. It had been a long time since I hadn't. Just like everything else I hadn't done in a long time.
“You know how much I want you to be happy, Avery”.
I nodded as I watched my friend sitting there across the table. I could tell that she was slightly affected by the wine as well; she always gets emotional when she drinks. More than she usually is anyway, that is. She is the typical romantic type. Not like me, who is more of a realist. We complement each other rather well.
“Yeah, I know. Too bad it's not just up to me, though, cause I certainly know what I would want”.
“I'm sure you do, Avery”.
She shook her head at me as she smiled.
“What if this thing with Lisa doesn't happen? What then? Celibacy, huh?” she joked and took another mouthful of wine.
“Speaking of which”, she continued as she started on her lasagna, putting a large piece in her mouth. She closed her eyes for a few moments as she slowly chewed. Apparently she liked it.
“What about you and Rachel; now that you are spending some time up in Cambridge, I mean? Still friends with benefits?”
She looked at me, smirking.
Sure, I couldn't deny that I had thought about it when I was there. It had been a while since I had been with someone and it wasn't as if I was going behind someone's back or anything; I had no obligations whatsoever. Towards anyone.
I had in fact spent some time with Rachel up there, as usual. It was hard not to, I mean she works as a researcher there and there was no chance in hell we wouldn't happen to run into each other. Even if I would try not to. Which I hadn't.
We had gone out for drinks a couple of times and hung out as we always did. I have always enjoyed spending time with her and that time was no different. She is really nice and easy to talk to. And beautiful. But not like Lisa. No one could compare to her.
Rachel had invited me over to her place, but I had declined. I wasn't up for sex. Not with her. She had asked me if I had met someone and told me that she didn't mind if that was the case; I mean we both knew what the thing between us was about. Just enjoying each other. No strings. It had suited me just fine before and the sex was always great, but I wasn't as interested anymore, not the way I had been. And it wouldn't be fair to her either, even though she was totally in on it. It didn't matter to me. I'm not the kind of person who can have sex with someone while thinking about somebody else. I'm always all in, can't do it any other way. When I'm with someone, I give them everything I can and I wouldn't want them to do any less for me. It has nothing to do with love, only respect. For them and for myself.
She had understood, of course, saying it was a pity and that I knew where to find her if I changed my mind. The sex have never been the basis of our friendship, though, so we were still friends. Just without the benefits.
***
When we had finished our dinner, Kate opened a second bottle of wine and joined me in bed. I could feel that I was a little bit drunk and she was too, so we had decided that it was best if she spent the night, since she shouldn't be driving home like that. So we simply moved our little party for two to the bedroom. No, not like that! That wasn't the first time we had slept in the same bed.
We just talked a bit more and watched some movie on TV as we drank our wine. There was some silly romantic movie on, which I forced myself to watch with her. I can't remember which one at this point. It didn't make that much impression on me, I guess. She controlled the remote, so there was nothing I could do.
I have always hated those kinds of movies. I couldn't believe people bought that shit! Kate is a sucker for them, though. It is hard to imagine if you don't know her, but she does and she always ends up with tears running down her cheeks at the end, when they finally have each other and then live happily ever after. As if it is a surprise every time the story ends the same way as it always does.
This time was no different. I had to smile at her. She had tears running down her face, her eyes were red and she even had to go and get some tissues to blow her nose.
“Yeah, I know what you're thinking”, she excused herself as she looked at me. “I just can't help myself, you know that”.
She blew her nose again and I shook my head at her, laughing. She looked like crap. Ben teases her a lot about it too, it is so easy. And she always gets pissed off, knowing that she is silly, which only makes it even funnier to tease her about it. I know it's a bit mean but I just couldn't help myself.
I took the remote from where she had put beside her on the bed. I couldn't stand the risk of having to watch another movie like that, if there was one on. I was going to be the boss of the remote the rest of the night. Better to be safe than sorry, right?
I poured Kate another glass of wine, smiling towards her as she accepted it. She really looked like she needed it. She just smiled back as she laid back down on the bed, taking a mouthful.
The rest of our night in front of the TV was more one of my taste. It didn't include anything more of that silly romantic nonsense, that's for sure.
***
My head was pounding when I woke up the next morning. Too much red wine, I guess.
I looked over towards the other side of the bed. Kate was still sleeping, lying on her back, snoring like a fat old man or something. I just laughed at her. The way she looked didn't fit with the way she sounded. If I hadn't felt so sick, I would have fetched my cell phone and filmed her.
We hadn't fallen asleep until rather late; we had talked for a long time after turning the damn TV off. About everything. It had been really nice, but our drinking had been rather excessive, I realized as I got up from bed. My head felt like it was about to explode. There wasn't going to be any workout done that day, I knew as much. I had planned to make a round as usual, but I would definitely have to change those plans. That's what happens when you're stupid enough to drink more than you really know you should. It is nice at the time, but always ten times worse the morning after.
I went to the kitchen to put together something for us to eat for breakfast. The nausea had become even worse as I got up from bed. I really regretted going up, but I knew that we needed to eat something. Thankfully, I had been wise enough to buy some eggs and bread the day before, since I hadn't had that much food in the fridge from obvious reasons. I put some coffee on as well, hoping that it would help some against the hangover, which only got worse and worse by the second. It was as if someone was hitting my head, hard, with every step I took. That together with the nausea; God, it was really bad. I wasn't even sure if I would be able to eat anything at all.
“Good morning”, I joked with Kate as I heard her entering the kitchen as well.
She groaned behind me and I smiled as I turned around. She looked like shit. About as bad as I felt.
I hadn't dared look myself in the mirror.
“Oh, shut up, Avery”, she moaned. She was smiling towards me, though. We shouldn't have opened that second bottle, I guess, but it was nothing we could do about it now. Just suck it up. We deserved it.
We forced ourselves to eat the toast and scrambled eggs I had made together with some extra strong coffee. That would probably do the trick. At least within a couple of hours.
Kate didn't stay for long after that. She needed to get home to take a shower and try to make herself look a little bit better, she had said, since she had a lunch date with her mother. I could tell that she wasn't really up for it, but I guess that she didn't really have a say in the matter. Mothers, you know.
I took a shower as well after she had left. A cold one. It usually makes me feel better. At least it made me wake up a little.
Then I called my mum as well. I had to tell her that I was home and that she didn't have to water the plants as I knew she did on the weekends. I hadn't planned to go home, really. It had been more of a spontaneous thing, so I hadn't had the time to tell her. I also didn't want her to come by when I felt the way I did. I certainly didn't feel like being preached to, as I knew she would if she saw me.
She wanted me to come by the next day for dinner and after I decided to take her up on that offer, she settled with that and wouldn't come by. She was happy to be able to cook for me and it was enough for her. I missed home cooked food, actually. I hadn't done much of that during my stay in Cambridge. I hadn't had the time and I hadn't felt like it either, so I had mostly eaten at some of the places on or around campus.
After I finished my conversation with my mum, I just sat there in the couch with the cell in my hand for a long time. Looking at the damn thing. Lisa had wanted us to have coffee or something during the weekend, or at least that's what she had said the day before. I wanted to call her, because I really wanted to see her.
My hands were moist and my heart started beating faster every time I dialed her number and then simply hung up again. What if she didn't really mean it? Maybe it was just something she had said? To be polite as we had happened to run into each other at work? If that was the case, would she think that it was strange of me to call her? The fact that I had decided to get my act together and just be myself and not conceal my feelings for her, didn't help me one bit.
I hung up for probably the tenth time, throwing the stupid phone on the couch. How old was I again? I just wanted to scream. Scream at myself. Where the hell had I gone? This wasn't me. I wasn't this scared little coward, who was afraid of women. I was determined and assertive, always going after what I wanted. How could she have made me like this? Changed me in a way I couldn't handle. I knew that I couldn't go back, either. I was screwed. It made me so pissed off.
Why couldn't she just want me?
I ran my hands through my hair. I didn't recognize my feelings, my behavior. Even my body. Nothing got to me anymore. Nothing made me feel good. Nothing made me feel excited. Not women. Not work. Just her.
That's when the phone rang. It was lying beside me on the couch and since I was so far away into my own thoughts, the damn thing scared the shit out of me.
It was her. She was calling me. It was as if she had read my thoughts or something. I took the phone, looking at her name on the display. For a second I actually considered not answering. I was both anxious and nervous about the prospect of seeing her again. If that's what she was calling about.
“Hi”, I said after running my trembling fingers across the display to answer it.
I loved to hear her deep, sensual voice. I could hear that she was smiling as she greeted me, then simply got right to the point.
“So how about that coffee, Avery?”
***
I smiled to myself as I was driving back to Cambridge the next day after being at my patents' house for dinner. It was late in the afternoon and I had decided to take the car instead of the train this time. It would take me a while longer, but I didn't mind; I wanted to drive. It is always good for my head.
Lisa and I had gone to a small coffee shop in town she told me about. I had never been there, but apparently she had been there a few times. She had said that she liked it very much.
It was warm and quaint and even though there were quite a lot of people at the place, it didn't feel crowded in any way. I liked it as well. They had great coffee and homemade cupcakes, brownies and stuff like that. And not those monstrous things they always have everywhere nowadays, but those kinds of things that really look homemade. It tasted good as well, even to me who's not all that fond of sweets. I had a brownie together with my double espresso. She had two.
We sat there for more than two hours I think, even though time passed by far too quickly. She talked a lot as usual, and I mostly listened. Except when she asked me something. I could have sat there the whole day.
She asked me about Cambridge, wanting to know everything and I happily told her all about it, relishing in the notion that she was interested in me and what I was doing. She leaned her head against her hand, smiling as she listened to me. She did the exact same thing very time. It was cute. She really made me feel special as she looked at me like that, making me feel less nervous than I had before.
She would make a good teacher; I thought about that as I listened to her. She would have everyone listening to her, absorbing every word she would utter, just as I did. I was sure of that and I told her so. She just smiled and said that he was happy with things as they were, but she seemed happy with the compliment.
Apparently she had settled in fine in her new surroundings. Once again she told me how much she enjoyed moving here and how much she loved her work. I saw it as well; she had this kind of glow in her eyes, which I hadn't seen before. She looked happy. And more beautiful than ever. I was mesmerized as I sat there, watching her. I loved everything about her; her voice, her smile, her gestures. Every single thing. And I really liked her new haircut. It was a lot shorter and looked very good on her.
Her sister had been visiting her as well and had been staying with her for a few days when she'd had some time off from work, she told me. They had been to see a movie, gone out for dinner and things like that, just hanging out and they had obviously had a good time together. She had also been curious to see Lisa's new place and get an update on everything. How she was feeling and if she was ok after everything that had happened in her life before she left. Talking on the phone wasn't the same as spending time together. I couldn't do anything but agree.
Lisa didn't say all that much about what they had talked about, really, but even if she didn't say it out loud, I sensed that she had mentioned me to her sister. It was easy to see from the things she said. It pleased me in a way that is almost embarrassing. As if I was a stupid kid or something. Infatuated by someone for the first time and then they had talked about me. And not only was it embarrassing; I also realized I was digging myself into a really deep hole, deeper and deeper every time I spent time with her. A hole which I soon wouldn't be able to get out of if I kept up what I was doing.
It was already dark when I reached Cambridge. I had taken my time driving there. My right foot hadn't been as heavy as it uses to be… I was in no rush and I had appreciated the time alone to think. It had done me good. I was actually glad that I was back there, so that I could bury myself in work. Otherwise, I knew that I would just keep on digging.
I had thought that I had gotten over the worst of my intense feelings for Lisa by being away from her, or at least that the edge had been taken off, but being back home, seeing her again, had turned my mind upside down. I was just as much head over heels in love with her as before. At least.
During my drive, I came to terms with the fact, the reality, that time didn't and never would do anything to make my feelings for her change at all. Neither would distance. The only thing distance from her would do for me would be to help me by not seeing her every day. Not help me get over her, but help me by not making things worse. Which was what happened every single time I spent time with her, or saw her even. It wasn't much, but it was the best I could do.
To be continued in Chapter six…
Chapter six
For disclaimers see Chapter one…
Days went by. Weeks. Months. Summer ended, making room for autumn to enter our daily lives, bringing rain and darkness with it. Still, nothing happened. Nothing of significance at least.
Lisa and I spent a lot of time together. Even off work, I mean. We went out for coffee or drinks a few times. She invited me to her place, made me dinner. I had even gone shopping with her when she wanted to buy a new couch, despite hating it. Shopping, that is, not doing it with her. We must have been to ten stores before finding one she liked, but I had endured. All just for the sake of being with her.
She had started jogging with me a few times a week as well, which was nice, actually. I had always liked jogging alone best, not being that into chatting while running, which Kate always has a tendency of doing. Lisa doesn't and it was just nice having her around.
She had even met my parents. They were there intending to buy a new TV for their cabin when we ran into them in town. The old one had stopped working, finally. No one usually watches that much TV anyway when we're up there since there is so many better things to do than that, but still. The old one must have been from the stone ages or something, so I guess it was time for a new one. Anyway, now they had decided to go for a more modern one. A bigger, flat screen TV. My brothers' kids would love that at least, when everyone is up there for Christmas for example. They enjoy their Playstation more than playing board games or sitting by the fireplace, just talking or something, so they usually get bored up there.
Well, enough about that. Anyway, so my always so subtle mum had decided to take Lisa, well Lisa and me, to lunch in town that day. Dad had only smiled and winked at me as she put her arm around Lisa's shoulders and dragged her away. He didn't have a say in the matter, as always. Neither had I.
I wasn't all that comfortable with all of us having lunch together. Lisa and I weren't a couple and even though mum knew that of course, I was still afraid that she would treat us like one, asking Lisa all sorts of questions and stuff. She knew how I felt about her, so being the person she is, it would be hard for her to be unbiased.
Everything went better than I had feared, though, and I was grateful for that. We'd just had a great meal, talking about this and that. Dad had been cool, drawing mum away from the subject of Lisa and me every time she started treading that ground. He had asked her questions about work and stuff instead, letting Lisa decide how private she wanted to get and how much she wanted to reveal about herself. He's more like me in that sense.
Mum behaved herself quite well, really, even though I knew she wanted to know everything about this woman I had talked so much about. She is my mum and knew that this time was different. That Lisa was different and that I felt differently about her than about any other woman I had met in my life. I didn't have to tell her that; she just saw it in me.
She had instantly liked Lisa and told me so afterwards. And every single time I spoke to her from then on. I knew she would. She had already heard a lot about her, of course, since I hadn't spoken of much else for months. I had tried to pretend as if Lisa didn't mean as much to me as she did, but I could never fool my mum. She knows me too well.
As I said, Lisa and I spent a lot of time together, but never in a way that friends wouldn't.
I wanted to be with her as much as I could, but at the same time it drew me crazy.
I had tried to keep my spirits up, but it was getting harder and harder every day that went by without getting what I wanted. If hope is the last thing that leaves us, then losing it was not that far away for me. I tried to hold on to it, though. For dear life.
Now, it was already October. October 11 th to be exact. On this day, I had lived for 33 years. They had passed by pretty smoothly, most of the time, I guess. Nothing much had happened. Bad or good.
But what if I would have to live for another 33? Or more. That would be a whole different story. These last six months had pained me more than I had ever expected something could. How would I stand living that long without Lisa by my side if I was feeling like this after only a few months? Nothing would be as good as living my life with her. And nothing could ever be worse than having to live it without.
I don't know if you believe in fate? You know, that your destiny is already decided for you from the start? Or is it actually something you make up yourself as you go along?
It is a difficult question. I had always believed in the latter, thinking that my destiny is my own to decide. Not that everything is already made up from the beginning, with no chance of influencing things at all. But, I wasn't so sure anymore. If that was true, then why did I always get the feeling that some things just wasn't meant to be? No matter what I did or how much I wanted some things, it simply didn't happen. It should if it was all up to me, shouldn't it?
Maybe we're all just simply part of some cosmic joke? Or puppets on a string so that whoever it is deciding everything can enjoy themselves on our behalf. That fits more with reality, actually. Even though I didn't find anything funny about it at all at that point.
I shook my head at the thought as I put the bags of groceries I had bought on the kitchen floor. I was having a dinner party or whatever the hell I should call it, that night. It was my birthday, after all. I had to do something. Not that it was that much to celebrate. Another year older, but not even a tiny bit wiser.
I had only invited the usual people. Mum was making dinner for me at their house the weekend after. Both my brothers, Andy and Alex, with families, were coming then, so on this day I had decided that my friends were going to be enough. I had already talked to both of my brothers on the phone earlier, when they had called to congratulate me.
My place isn't that small, but it's not big enough to fit 20 people. Not for dinner, at least. We would have had to sit on each other's laps. And that wouldn't be all that nice. Except if Lisa would sit on mine. That, I would like. Very much.
Kate was coming alone, since Ben was out of town on business, but Will and Emma were bringing their kids so the place was certain to be full of life to say the least. And when Luke and Liam get together with their big friend Eric, well then all hell breaks loose. In a good way, that is. They're good kids, but with all the energy of boys at the age of five and seven. And 35.
I would just have to find a way to keep them occupied. The Playstation usually works, so I had bought two new games for them. They would last them the whole evening, I was sure of that. Better being safe than sorry.
***
I was just stepping out of the shower when the doorbell rang a few hours later. I knew things had taken me a bit longer than I had planned. I had cleaned the place up and prepared most of the things for dinner, but it surely wasn't six o'clock yet.
It was probably Kate. I smiled and shook my head. She was early, as usual. But that was ok. She'd just have to help me with the food then. I would put her to work, since there were a few things left to do.
I wrapped a towel around my wet body as the doorbell rang again. I should have left the door unlocked so that everyone could let themselves in, but I had forgotten all about it. I'd had too many other things to do.
Water was dripping off my body as I made my way through the hallway, leaving puddles on the wooden floor everywhere I put my feet.
“Hi”, I said as I opened the door, hearing my own surprised tone. It wasn't Kate. It was Lisa. She was standing there outside my door, her grey jacket wet from the constant rain. She held an umbrella in one hand and a large, wet paper bag in the other.
I saw her looking at me, up and down, smiling slightly. She looked surprised as well and I regretted not having put some more clothes on before opening the door. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea about me; that I have a habit of answering the door half naked. Because I don't. I had just been so certain that it was Kate.
“Hi, Avery. I…”
She seemingly didn't know what to say and just watched me as I moved to the side a little, letting her in. I couldn't let her just stand there. She smiled towards me as she stepped inside, looking a little bit as if she had been caught off guard.
“I'm sorry”, she excused herself as she cleared her throat. “I know I'm a bit early”.
“No, that's ok”, I said as I took her wet jacket from her hands and hung it up. “I'm almost ready, I just need to put some clothes on”.
I winked at her as I saw her getting slightly flushed. She just nodded as she turned away and bent down to take her boots off.
“Help yourself to some wine, Lisa. It's in the kitchen”, I offered to her back as I left her there to go and get dressed. “I'll be right with you”.
I put on a pair of grey pants and a white shirt after drying myself off. My initial embarrassment had gone away as I saw the look on Lisa's face. It hadn't escaped me at all.
I know she hadn't been prepared to see me standing there, wearing nothing but a white towel as I opened the front door, but there had been so much more in her eyes than just surprise. It pleased me. I was actually glad that she had come early, because it gave me the opportunity of spending some time alone with her. There wouldn't be much chance of that later.
I leaned against the white wall and just watched Lisa for a few moments as I joined her in the kitchen a few minutes later. She was standing by the large windows, looking out into the dark. It kept on raining, relentlessly; I could hear it clearly. It had been doing so almost constantly for weeks.
She had a glass of wine in her hand, so she had apparently helped herself as I had said. She smiled as she turned around, facing me. She must have seen my reflection in the windows.
“Watching me, are you, Avery?” she teased as she leaned against the windowsill.
She knew that I was and I knew that she knew why, as well. I had no intention on pretending otherwise, either. She was playing with me.
“Yeah, I am”, I admitted as I entered the room, walking towards her.
She looked nice. Really nice. She wore black pants and a white, short sleeved blouse. The top buttons were open, revealing the perfect skin of her chest to me. And a hint of white lace. The sight was so sensual, it made me dizzy. She knew I would look. It wasn't as if it was the first time.
“You look beautiful, Lisa”, I confessed and took a sip of the wine she had poured me. I had left my empty glass on the counter earlier when I went to take a shower and she had apparently simply refilled it. Thinking of everything, as usual.
“Thank you”.
She looked at me for a few moments, before shaking her head. She laughed slightly as she put her glass on the table and walked passed me, back out to the hallway.
“I brought you this”, she said when she returned a few seconds later. “I should have given it to you before, but I kind of forgot. For some reason”.
She was holding an orchid in her hands. It was so beautiful. White. I had never seen that kind before. She had apparently remembered when I had said that I love orchids. I had only mentioned it as we spoke of something else I couldn't remember, months earlier, but it had obviously not slipped her mind. I liked the thought. She put it on the table in front of me as she smiled.
“I hope you like it, Avery. Happy Birthday”.
I reached out and touched the snow white flowers lightly with my fingertips, caressing the velvety texture. They were the most perfect flowers I had ever seen. I wondered where she had found it. It couldn't have been easy.
“I love it, Lisa. It is simply perfect”.
I smiled as I stepped closer towards her. “Just like you“, I wanted to add as I looked into her green eyes, but I didn't.
“Thank you”.
I leaned in closer to her, breathing in her scent as I kissed her lightly on the cheek. I could feel her caressing my arm lightly through the thin fabric of my shirt, as my lips touched her. I let my lips linger on her skin for a few moments, but forced myself to leave it at that. But God how I wanted her. I leaned away as I looked at her. Her eyes were closed, just for a few moments before she looked at me. If it wasn't longing I saw in those beautiful green eyes as she opened them, then I don't know anything about this world or human emotions.
I reluctantly removed my arm from her touch. It was these rare little things of affection from her that made the last ounce of hope still stick to my mind.
I walked away from her and placed the orchid on the living room table, where it would certainly become center stage and where everyone could admire it. Then I could lie on the couch and watch it. Think of Lisa. Torment myself. I had become an expert in that field lately and that orchid would remind me of her as much as anything could. I mean, she had given it to me. It was the perfect present. Except for one other thing; the only thing she could have given me that would have been better. Herself.
I wanted to get dinner going before the others would arrive and most of all, I needed to busy myself with something, so I started getting the things I had prepared earlier out of the fridge. I had decided to go for Italian, since that always goes well with the kids. What kid doesn't like pasta? And Luke and Liam always wants it when they are with me, so it was the best option.
The fact that it is Lisa's favorite type of food as well had absolutely nothing to do with it…
“Here, let me help you”, Lisa offered as I started cutting up some tomatoes for the salad I was making. She took a sip of her wine as she placed her hand on mine and tenderly pushed me away with the side of her body, taking the knife from me.
I felt her warmth as our bodies touched. I didn't want to move away from it, but there was no point in me denying her, as usual. She did with me as she wanted. To me, she was no less than a goddess. And I was her loyal subject, worshipping her and the ground she walked on.
I simply did as she said.
I had bought some antipasti as well, which I knew is always a hit as a starter or whatever I should call it. I knew everyone would want some wine to start off with and something to chew on then is always nice. There were prosciutto, a couple of types of salami, large, green olives marinated in oil and herbs, some Italian cheeses and ciabattas.
I arranged everything on a large plate as I drank more of my wine. I was starting to feel a little more at ease with Lisa's company, even though I could still feel the sensation of her body against mine. I saw her watching me from time to time as I looked towards her. She talked to me the whole time, chatting away about things I couldn't remember after. Because my thoughts were somewhere else. She was in them, obviously, but the context was different. Which context that was shouldn't be that difficult to guess. As I said, we had been spending quite a lot of time together during the last couple of months, but that didn't change no matter what. My thoughts and feelings were always the same. And just as intense.
She came to stand beside me after a while, when she had finished making the salad, watching the plate I had filled with food. She smiled as she took a mouthful of her wine.
“That looks great, Avery”, she said. “Just looking at it makes my mouth water”.
She snatched an olive from the plate as she smiled teasingly. She put it in her mouth, slowly chewing on it.
“My, God, these are good”.
She made these little sensual, humming sounds as she took another sip of her wine and reached out for one more.
“Try one”, she said and offered it to me.
I felt the subtle taste of oregano and rosemary as she let the oil covered fruit lightly touch my lips. I swallowed hard as I saw her watch me.
Did she want me to simply take her there on the kitchen floor or what? Cause that was what I would do soon, if she continued like that. She put the olive in my mouth as I opened it slightly. I felt her fingers on my lips, lingering there for a short moment before she removed them. I just looked at her as she then licked them clean.
“Delicious, right?” she concluded.
I saw the look in her eyes. She was teasing me and she seemed to enjoy making me feel the way I did.
“You could say that”, I replied as I watched her closely.
I think she knew that I wasn't referring to the olives at all. I couldn't care less if they were good or not right then. I just wanted to rip the blouse off her body. Reveal everything she kept from me at the same time as she so damn deliberately lured me to come closer. I could hint the firm roundness of her perfect breasts as she stood there in front of me. The white lace didn't cover everything.
I wanted to feel them, taste them. Taste her. Do things to her, with her, that would make her never want to do anything else for the rest of her life. I would take her so high, she would never want to come back down. If she'd only let me.
I was only moments away from doing it as the doorbell rang again. Just reach out and release her body from its confines. Make her see what all this teasing and playing games would lead to. Make her scream.
I watched her for a while before leaving her to answer the door. Her eyes told me that she knew what was on my mind. She was breathing heavier and her hand was trembling slightly as she brought the glass to her mouth again. This time, she emptied it.
“I see that Lisa is already here”, Kate whispered to me as she gave me a hug.
I nodded and smiled towards her. It was obvious since her jacket were hanging right there in front of her. And you could also smell her scent. At least I could. I would be able to sense her anywhere, even if I couldn't see her.
“Yeah”.
I ran my hands through my hair. They were moist.
“It is a good thing that you happened to ring the doorbell when you did. Otherwise, I swear I would have just done her right there on the kitchen floor, Kate. I can't take this anymore. She's driving me crazy”.
I smiled as I saw the look in her eyes. She didn't know if I was joking or not, I could see that.
“Or maybe I would have just taken her on the kitchen table”, I whispered in her ear, making her laugh as she shook her head at me.
“Which would have been a mistake”, I added to answer what I knew she was thinking.
She would have thought it was a good idea.
“Yeah, because then I wouldn't want to eat there ever again, Avery”.
She looked at me for a few moments when she had stopped laughing.
“Enough joking”, she said. “Cause I guess that you're actually serious, right?”
She looked at me, reading the answer to that question in my eyes.
“You two, my God! Can't you just do each other already? Get it over with. Anyone can see that you want it. Both of you!”
She shook her head at me as she left me standing there and went to the kitchen to join Lisa. She had looked almost pissed off. I just stood there, watching her as she entered the kitchen area. She hugged Lisa and made some comment on something I couldn't hear, but it made Lisa laugh as she accepted the glass of wine she was handed. I just looked at Lisa again. The perfect hostess. She didn't seem like a guest, more like she lived there too. I smiled to myself, feeling strangely confident and determined. “Anyone can see that you both want it”. That's what Kate had said. “Both” being the operative word.
So that was it. That was what made me make up my mind. Next time the opportunity presented itself, I would simply go for it. With Lisa. No matter the consequences. If she came on to me like this one more time, cause it was obvious even to me that she was, then I would kiss her. So help me God. This was crazy. Either she just wanted to play with me and make me suffer since she knew that I wanted her, or she simply wanted me to take the first step. Either way, if I did something about it, at least I would know.
***
“I like you”, Liam exclaimed in his own, always honest and straight forward way as he looked at Lisa who was sitting beside him on the couch, playing Playstation with him. He took her hand as he smiled a wide smile, showing off the gap in between his teeth. He had been doing so all night, really proud of it. It had also earned him five dollars. He had even been brave enough to pull the loose tooth out himself.
I had bought the latest Need for Speed game, so neither he nor Luke had been doing anything else all night, but play. It was hard to hear anything else, but the roar from the virtual sports cars, even though I had put some music on. It was fun to look at them, though, and to hear them talk about their accomplishments. They were so into it, it had been difficult making them stay by the table so that they could finish their dinner. Emma had had to threaten them and say that the game was to be taken away from them if they didn't eat up.
I had felt bad for a few moments; that I had bought the game, I mean. Maybe I should have asked first? Emma had only winked and smiled towards me when I whispered that concern in her ear as they had hurriedly eaten up all their food in less than five minutes and run back to the living room after being excused from the table. She had only said that she was grateful for it, because now she could enjoy her evening, knowing that they were occupied. It wasn't every day she got to drink too much wine and be served dinner, she joked. I just laughed as she said that and finished her wine as she winked at me.
It probably wasn't all a joke either. Will was the designated driver that night, so he wasn't allowed to drink anything and Emma had seemed to enjoy the fact that she could just relax and do as she wanted for a whole night. I could only imagine. Will helps her a lot at home as well, I knew that, but he is working too much, which makes most of the responsibility fall upon her.
Emma is a researcher, and a very good one too I might add, and I knew that she really wanted to go back to work. It had always been important to her. She had decided to take a break from work until the boys started school and even though I knew she didn't regret that decision, she really missed her work. She had told me so.
I had poured her another glass of wine and kissed her on the cheek as I got up from the table to get another bottle. She is a great woman and Will is a really lucky guy. He'd better always remember that, otherwise he'll have me to deal with.
I leaned against the living room wall as I kept watching Lisa. I hoped I would get to be as lucky soon, too. She smiled towards Liam because of what he had said.
“I like you too, Liam”, she replied as she ran her fingers through his blonde hair.
His smile became even wider. He had claimed her right after dinner. It was kind of obvious that he had a small crush on her. I couldn't blame him, really. I did too.
“If you weren't Avery's girlfriend, then you could have been mine when I grow up”.
I could see him having such a serious look in his blue eyes, I couldn't stop myself from laughing. I was relieved to find that Lisa did too. It was kind of funny because it was so obvious that he meant exactly what he said.
“Yeah, maybe I could have been then, Liam”, she said as she turned and looked at me.
Of course she was joking. He was too young to understand these sorts of things. But even though she wasn't my girlfriend, she hadn't denied it. He thought she was and she obviously didn't mind him thinking that.
“Come and play with us, Avery!” Liam exclaimed as he gestured towards the big TV. There was no end to his excitement, apparently.
“Yeah, Avery, come here and play”, Lisa said as she patted the sofa next to her. She winked at me as she moved a little to make room for me.
There still wasn't space enough between our bodies as I sat down beside her. Not enough so that they wouldn't touch, at least. I felt myself getting warm again as felt her thigh pressed up against mine. I still hadn't been able to rid my mind, and especially not my body, of the remnants of the way she had affected me with her teasing earlier. The feeling of her fingers still lingered on my lips and the constant excitement just wouldn't go away. It was as if I was starved. Starved of closeness and intimacy. I needed help. And she was the only one who could help me.
We played for quite a while. Lisa was actually very good at it. Much better than me. I didn't stand a chance against neither her nor Liam. He had a good time beating me; that was clear. Lisa was amused by the whole thing as well. It was obvious, even though she tried to conceal it from me. It was a good thing Luke had fallen asleep a while earlier, otherwise I would have probably had my assed kicked by a five-year old as well. It didn't really bother me, that I was such a crappy player. I am not, usually, it was probably just the way Lisa affected me that made the difference. I couldn't really concentrate on the game.
It still affected me hours later when I was alone, once again. I took a deep breath and smiled at myself as I stood by the sink, washing the vast amount of plates, glasses and other stuff I had left there earlier. I could have left it until the next day, but I needed to keep myself occupied. I wasn't tired, either, so I would probably clean the whole place up as well. It was already long after midnight, but I didn't mind. I certainly didn't want to watch some crap on TV and would never be able to go to sleep if I went to bed. Cleaning up was consequently the best option. I mean, I couldn't go running in the middle of the night; that would be too extreme. Even for me.
I stared up at the ceiling as I was lying in bed a while later. I didn't have any more cleaning to do, so… What else should I do? I had already cleaned things that hadn't even needed cleaning in the first place. Because I didn't want to go to bed. I didn't want to lie there alone.
It had been a nice evening, actually and everyone had stayed pretty late. I guess they had a good time. I was glad; that had been the point of the whole thing.
Liam had fought the whole evening to stay awake and hang around with the rest of us, but had fallen asleep on the couch anyway around ten, despite all his efforts. Will had carried him to the bedroom after a while; to join his brother on my bed.
The rest of us spent the evening in the living room. We played some music, Eric opened some more wine and we just sat there and talked for hours. I had a really good time too. It was fun and I tried my best to loosen up a little. You know, just enjoy the moment and not think too much.
But it was a struggle, I must admit that. Lisa hadn't moved an inch since we played earlier, so she still sat extremely close to me. And as usual when she speaks, she became a bit physical. And the wine didn't help; it made it worse. With physical, I mean touching. Putting her hand on my arm. On my thigh. And sometimes she left it there, resting on my thigh for minutes. And I was convinced that she was aware of what she did. And how it affected me. She must have known. Everyone saw her do it and it wasn't as if she stopped because of it.
I looked up at the fan in the ceiling. It was moving slowly, around and around. It wasn't that warm in the room, really, but I was. I wondered if she had been aware of my thoughts. What I had been thinking about as a consequence of her touches. What she had made me want.
I wanted her to spend the night. I wanted to take all her clothes off. Touch her everywhere.
I took a deep breath as I closed my eyes. I had never felt so strongly before in my life.
She made me melt. Totally.
Being the person she is, she had offered to stay and help to clean up afterwards, but I had declined. She had insisted, but it was my firm belief that it was for the best if she didn't stay. I had simply sent her and everyone else home. Eric had offered to drive her, since it was still raining, so she had gone with him. It had been the right decision, but I had missed her when she left, feeling lonely as hell.
Even so, I couldn't stand to be around her any more that night. If it wasn't in bed.
To be continued in Chapter eight…
Chapter eight
For disclaimers see Chapter one… I watched the man approaching me down the long, white corridor. He was looking around him, looking in through the small windows of the patients' rooms, as if he was searching for something. Or someone. I was on my way to my office, but stopped as I watched him.
I hadn't seen him there before, so I guessed he wasn't a parent to any of our patients, but you never know.
And if he was there to see someone who works at the pediatric unit, he had chosen a really bad time, I thought to myself as he walked closer towards me. It was late in the evening, almost 10 p.m., and everyone, well almost everyone but me, were having a meeting at the cafeteria, since we were just about to change shifts. It had been a really busy day, so everyone who was about to start their shift needed to be updated.
I, on the other hand, had decided to stay a little longer, since I wanted to catch up with some paper work, not wanting to leave it for the following day. Something you didn't even think of always comes up, changing every plan you may have had for your day anyway, making it even harder to catch up.
I was working double shifts that day due to the fact that we had a few people away on sick leave and no one else was able to fill in for them. I didn't mind that much at first, actually, but at that point, when it had gotten rather late, I could feel my temper getting worse by the second. I was tired as hell and needed to eat something as well before I would lose focus completely. Luckily, I wasn't needed at the meeting at least, not being in the mood for socializing anyway.
I could see him looking at me as he got closer. Straight in the eyes. He was smiling. I knew that look. It was strange, since I didn't know him, but I didn't like him. Something about him disturbed me, as did the way he looked at me. Looking me over, from top to toe and then up again, checking me out.
“Hi, there”, he said, smiling that smile of his towards me.
I forced myself to politely smile back. It wasn't really my place to have any opinions of him.
I couldn't care less who the hell he was anyway. Despite that, I couldn't get my mind around what it was about him that made me dislike him so much, even just the sight of him. Apart from his apparent behavior, I mean. That, I had seen before.
He seemed to be that typical guy who looks at pretty much everything that moves, not even having the sense to be less obvious doing it. He was quite tall, about the same height as me, and rather good looking, I guess, if you like that type. He had dark hair, with every single strand of hair put in its perfect place by using far too much hairspray or something; he wore jeans, a light pink Lacoste shirt with the top buttons open underneath a black jacket and he held black sunglasses in his hand (in October…).
It was obvious to me that he thought of himself as being God's gift to women or something. I didn't know if I should be angry or amused by the way he flirted with me.
I knew he wouldn't have if he'd known me.
“Hi”, I answered him. “Are you looking for someone in particular?”
“Yeah, I am, actually”.
He still looked at me, lowering his eyes a bit further down. Apparently he wasn't all that bright, not having noticed my rather obvious lack of interest in him.
“I'm looking for my girlfriend, Lisa Blake. I was told that she works here?”
I could feel my heart drop. I didn't know what to say.
So that was him. The son of a bitch Lisa had told me about. The son of a bitch who had gone behind her back. Fucking other women. I could feel myself getting pissed off. Really pissed off. I had to force myself to not beat the crap out of him with my bare hands. I had no doubt that he wouldn't have been much of a match for me. My second thought was to simply tell him that he was mistaken, that in fact she didn't work there. But again, it wasn't my place to interfere. She was not my property.
Anyway, I didn't have to decide on what to say.
“What are you doing here, Matt?”
I heard Lisa's voice behind me and turned around as I saw him directing his gaze to somewhere over my shoulder. He had that same fake, stupid smile plastered on his lips as he walked towards her. I could see her looking at me before turning her eyes towards him. She didn't look all that happy to see him, not smiling back.
“Baby”, he said as he embraced her. “I've missed you so much! I'm so sorry. Could you ever forgive me? She meant nothing to me, you know that, don't you?”
I saw Lisa looking at me over his shoulder as she removed his arms from around her body, not having hugged him back. It didn't matter; I still felt as if I was going to throw up.
I knew I should go away from there, from the sight of them. It must have been more than six months since she broke up with him and then he just comes here, expecting everything to be as before; the way he wanted it to be. When he wanted it.
I couldn't even understand how certain people could even think someone would buy that; I know I wouldn't. I desperately hoped that Lisa wouldn't either. I mean, what made him come here, after all that time? Did he and his other “girlfriend” break up and now he wanted back what he had before? When it suited him. Stupid!
I just wanted to go to her, to tell her that she shouldn't listen to him. That he was still the same piece of shit as before. That he had been flirting with me just a few seconds earlier. That people like him never change.
I wanted to tell her that she deserved better. Deserved someone who wanted her and no one but her. Someone like me.
“Don't do this here, Matt”, she told him. “This is not the place. I work here”.
She was still looking at me, on and off, as she spoke to him, I saw that. I couldn't tell what she was thinking, but I didn't want to stay and watch that shit anymore. I had already been in a bad mood to begin with, the long day at work and all. Well, actually I had been ever since my birthday a week earlier. I wasn't quite sure why, but everything seemed to get to me for some reason. Seeing the two of them didn't help that much.
Instead, I just turned around and left. I walked down the corridor, stepping into my office, away from the sight, slamming the door behind me. Childish, I know, but I just couldn't help myself.
She had said to him to meet her after work; that much I had heard before I left. I hoped that she had just said it so that he wouldn't make a scene in front of others to see, since people were starting to leave the cafeteria, passing us in the corridor on their way to the locker room.
But what if it meant something else? What if she would actually take him back? People like him can be really manipulative, I knew that. Rapping people around their fingers. What the fuck would I do then? I knew that my feelings were egoistic, but I also didn't want her to end up hurt by him. Again. Because she would. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
***
“Who was that guy Lisa was talking to?”
I looked towards the door as I heard Eric enter my office. There hadn't been that much work done, if I'm honest. I just sat there with my feet on my desk and my laptop in my lap, just looking blindly at the screen, as if the writing would suddenly do itself if I just stared at the damn thing long enough. I couldn't concentrate or think of anything but the woman who so constantly invaded my thoughts ever since the day I met her.
I looked at my watch. The shift was now over and she had probably already left. What if she had left with him? She had said for them to meet after work.
Matt. I already hated the name. What if he had gone home with her? He would certainly try to get her to let him come home with her, I was sure of that. Piece of shit. I shook my head, trying to rid my mind of the images which haunted me. His hands on her body. Or worse.
“Avery?”
“Her ex”.
I smiled towards Eric as he sat down on my desk, watching me.
“He is her piece of shit for an ex-boyfriend who apparently fucked around with other women while they were together”.
“Oh”.
He didn't say anything else on the matter. He knew how I felt about her, so there wasn't really that much to say.
“Do you know what, Avery?” he said as he stood up, closed my laptop and placed it on the desk. “You need to get laid”.
I couldn't help laughing by then. So typical of him to say something like that. Getting laid. It is the cure for everything if you ask him. Especially for matters of the heart as he so often refers to it as. In his own ironic way, that is.
“Oh, come on, Avery. Let's go out. To a bar. Meet some hot ladies.”
I just shook my head at him, still smiling though, as I reached for my jacket which was hanging at the wall. He was probably right. I could need something to divert my thoughts in another direction. Away from Lisa. And it had been a while since I had been with anyone. So, I decided to go with him. It couldn't hurt, right? At least I tried to convince myself of that as we walked out of the hospital together. In any case, I was really feeling like having a drink. Or two. Or three.
***
It was really humid outside and not as cold as you could expect it to be in October. It would rain soon, that was clear to me. I opened the door to my car, intending to get away from that damn place as fast as I could when I heard that idiot's voice again.
This time, he didn't sound all that happy. He was almost screaming, actually. I could feel my heart starting to beat faster from the sound of his voice. I looked around me, as did Eric, searching the parking lot. It was almost dark, but I could see them standing by a car a few rows away. Him and Lisa. He was gesturing and waving his arms as he shouted at her, standing really close to her, looking as if he was about to hit her or something.
Eric followed close behind me as I went towards them. There was something in his behavior that scared me and made me totally ignore my earlier decision to not interfere in their business.
“Hey”, I shouted as I saw him raising his hand. He was going to hit her, that fucking idiot!
He lowered his hand as he turned his head and looked over towards me and Eric.
“What the fuck are you doing”, Eric said to him as he stepped in between them. “How about hitting someone your own size instead, huh?”
I saw the creep smiling that stupid smile again, first at Eric, then at me, grinning as he tried to explain that they had only been talking and that it really wasn't our business what he and his girlfriend were doing.
“I'm not your girlfriend any longer, Matt. This has been over for months and I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore, not that way”.
Lisa took a step closer towards me, looking at me gratefully. I could see that she wanted out of there and I couldn't really blame her.
By the look on Matt's face, I could see that he was getting angrier and angrier as she spoke. He was probably not used to people speaking up to him, or not doing things the way he wanted them to. It was kind of obvious.
“So you're seeing someone else already, huh? Already fucking someone else, are you? I can see it in your face; I know you, remember? Who is it? Maybe this knight in shining armor right here, huh?”
He shouted at her as he directed his attention back to Eric again, taking a step towards him.
I couldn't help thinking that it would be best if he didn't go there. He wouldn't have a chance if he took a punch at Eric.
“I'm not seeing anyone”, Lisa said, shouting back at him.
I saw her glancing over at me briefly. I could sense something in that look, but I didn't know what it was.
“And by the way”, she continued. “If I was seeing someone, or fucking someone as you so delicately put it, it wouldn't be any of your damn business anyway, would it? Especially since you haven't been doing anything else but fuck around since as long as I've known you!”
She turned around, taking my arm as she walked away from him. I saw Eric letting him go as he followed us. The piece of shit stayed put, at least. I guess the coward didn't have the balls to try and overpower him.
“Yeah, of course I have”, he shouted at her back, his superior tone having returned again. “If you had been more of a woman, I wouldn't have had to fuck others, would I?”
That was it! I could feel my blood boiling in my veins. Who the hell was he to talk to her like that? I stopped and turned around. I was going to beat that arrogant look off his damn face.
I couldn't care less how it would look right then.
“Avery…”
I felt Lisa's grip on my arm tightening, holding me in place. I could see a tear running down her cheek as I looked at her, even though she tried to seem more composed than she was.
I closed my eyes, forcing myself to stay there. It was hard, but I knew she wanted me to, so I did.
“Don't, Avery. He's not worth it”.
She took my hand in hers as she walked across the parking lot, leading me towards where I had parked my car. The door was still open and the lights were still on inside, so it wasn't hard to know where it was. She squeezed my hand hard and I squeezed back, leading her to the passenger's side. I was going to drive her home. She didn't have her car and I didn't want to leave her there. I looked at Eric as I closed the door behind her. He was smiling reassuringly towards me.
“We'll go out some other time. You drive her home, Avery”.
I nodded and hugged him before he went to get his own car. He would never have let her go home by herself either.
When I thought about the whole situation, I honestly didn't want to drive her home, not knowing if that idiot knew her address. I didn't really think that he would dare do something to her, but I still didn't feel comfortable with the situation. He had shown up at the hospital, uninvited, after all.
I opened my mouth to suggest that she could stay at my place for the night, until we could be sure that he wouldn't follow her home or something. I didn't trust him. She looked at me with a questioning look in her eyes as she watched me and no words came out for a few moments. She seemed so vulnerable, sitting there beside me. She had been crying, mascara having run down her cheeks, leaving black stripes in its wake. She smiled towards me, but it didn't reach her eyes, not even close. That's when I decided on something I hoped I wouldn't live to regret later.
“You're coming home with me, Lisa”, I told her as I started the car.
I put the air conditioning on, trying to get rid of the warm and humid night air. It had started to rain slightly and I could hear the sounds of thunder, now only in the background, far away, but it was getting closer and closer. I was warm from the closeness of her as well, making my body moist. I even found it hard to breathe. I tried to take a deep breath as I drove out of the parking lot, turning right at the corner to get us home. I would stop at her place first so that she could pick up some clothes or something if she wanted to, but then she was going home with me. That was final. I wasn't going to let her be at her place by herself. I suspected that she would try to say that she was going to be alright, that she would manage, but I didn't care. Even though I knew that she wouldn't want to impose. It is just who she is. In this case though, I thought to myself as I drove on, she didn't know her own good.
As I had expected, she tried to make me change my mind and insisted that she would be fine. It didn't matter. I drove her to her place, where she picked up some things, before we continued to my place. I even followed her up there, to make sure no one was waiting for her and to make sure she did as I had told her.
She shook her head and smiled at me when we got back into the car, saying that I was exaggerating, but her words didn't even fool me the least. I could see the gratitude in her eyes when she looked at me. And she did that a lot during the short drive to my place, I could see it in the corner of my eye, even as I watched the road in front of me. She probably didn't realize that I saw her do it, or she didn't care.
Anyway, I knew I had made the right decision.
***
I took a sip of the red wine I had poured for us as I retrieved some plates and utensils for dinner. It was late and I was really hungry, expecting Lisa was as well. I would have liked to have been able to make her dinner myself, but it was so late and it would have taken far too long, so I had simply ordered Chinese instead. It was much easier and quicker.
Lisa was taking a shower. She had wanted to clean herself up a little and change her clothes before dinner. So there I was, busying myself in the kitchen, trying to think of something else than her being in my bathroom. Naked.
I took another mouthful of the wine as I went to the living room, setting the table there, figuring we could eat in front of the TV. I turned it on as I sat down on the couch, closing my eyes as I leaned back against the cool leather. The wine had settled me a little, taking the edge off my nervousness. I took another mouthful as I heard the bathroom door open.
I could already smell her scent, even from the next room. I inhaled it, letting it fill my lungs as I sat up a little, pretending to watch the damn TV in front of me.
“Hi”, she said as she entered the room a few moments later. “That was really nice. Thank you, Avery”.
I just smiled towards her. Couldn't do anything else. I would have choked on my words if I had opened my mouth and tried to say something. She was so incredibly beautiful. Breathtaking. She had no make-up on and her hair was wet. She wore grey sweatpants and a white t-shirt. She was the most sensual sight of my life. Having gone out to try to suppress my feelings by seeing another woman would never have helped. It would only have made things worse, actually.
I emptied my glass as I handed her hers. She smiled as she accepted it, sitting down on the couch beside me. I took another deep breath. Her body was only inches away from mine. So close. I watched her as she took a mouthful of her wine, closing her eyes as she swallowed it.
“God, I needed that”.
She turned and looked at me as she took another sip. She smiled as she just looked at me for a few moments.
“You know, you have a mustache, Avery”.
I didn't know what she was referring to and she must have seen the confusion in my eyes. A mustache? Hell, I hoped not!
“From the wine”, she explained as she reached out, slowly removing it with her thumb.
It was such an innocent thing to do, really, but at the same time it meant so much. The way she had done it, without thinking. As if it was so natural for her. Even though it wasn't.
“Thank you for standing up for me tonight, Avery”.
I swallowed hard when her finger lingered a few seconds on my lips before she removed it, looking away. It would have been so easy to kiss her then. I had seen the want in her eyes. She had wanted me to. She couldn't disguise it from me. And the way she had looked away from me, showed me that she knew it as well. It was the same look as she had gave me in the tent a few months earlier. And numerous times after that when we spent time together. At my birthday the week before. I had no idea what to do. I wanted to just tell her. Tell her that I was in love with her. That I wanted her so incredibly much; so much that it made her presence almost unbearable for me.
Again, my courage failed me. I poured myself some more wine, taking another mouthful. I was grateful when I saw her starting to busy herself with the food I had bought.
“It smells really good, Avery”.
She opened the boxes, serving me a large portion of noodles, spring-rolls, stir-fry chicken, fried rice and other stuff I had ordered. I hadn't known what she wanted, so I had ordered a little bit of everything. The plate was full when she handed it to me, smiling. I really liked it, that she served me food, even though I tried to not fool myself too much, reading things and meanings into her actions. Things and meanings that maybe weren't there. Other than in my mind. And in my heart.
***
“I can't even believe how I could have wasted seven years of my life with him”, Lisa said as she shook her head. She took a sip of her third glass of wine as she looked at me. It was well after midnight by then, but she didn't seem to be any more tired than I was. I also didn't want to go to bed because I wanted to spend more time with her. To talk to her. Look at her. She usually talked a great deal, but even more so after a few glasses of wine I noticed, becoming more private as well. And more emotional. I hoped that much of it was due to her feeling safe with me. Because she could.
I had a hard time getting my head around why someone like her would have been with a guy like him, too. She is so nice, kind and unselfish. Goodness personified. And he had been acting like an ass towards her.
His parents and hers were apparently friends, she had told me. And that being with him had just developed from that. They had known each other since they were kids. She admitted that she hadn't really loved him like that. Not the way you should love someone. In a way that makes your whole body tingle, making you want to spend every living moment with that person. That's how she had described it to me, watching me as I watched her closely. She also said that she hadn't felt that way about anyone else either, not just him. So the years had just simply passed by and she hadn't done anything about it. Until now.
I could see the thin wall of confidence and fake cheerfulness she had tried to build up and make me buy the whole night since the earlier meeting with Matt, shatter slowly before my eyes. I expected that it wasn't really the encounter itself, or anything like that, but the things he had said. I knew that she thought of herself as being stupid, that she hadn't realized what a piece of shit he really was.
It isn't that easy though, seeing things, bad things, in a person you trust. Or at least think you can trust. I know that, more than anyone. If someone wants to go behind your back, hide things from you and lie to you, they can. And they will. You may think, afterwards, that you should have seen the signs, the evidence of deceit which are always there. You just don't search for them and therefore miss what should be obvious if you had looked a little closer.
I knew that she blamed herself. And then he had said those words. How could someone be so fucking mean? To blame someone else for your own mistakes? Project your own shortcomings onto someone else? No one can decide how you act in a specific situation. You are sometimes served the circumstances which affect you and your life without having any choice of your own, but it is always you who decide how to act within those contexts. That way, you always have a choice. There is no excuse whatsoever to behave like he had, or to say the things he'd said.
His words had hit her harder than I had realized at first. She emptied her wine as she closed her eyes, trying to suppress the tears I had seen starting to build up there. She was really hurting, it was obvious. I just wanted to do something. To help her, but I didn't know what would. What could I say? That he was an idiot and that I thought that she was the most perfect woman who had and ever would walk the earth?
“You know, some people just have to say something mean to others to feel better about themselves, Lisa. You shouldn't listen to him. He's just a coward, nothing more”.
Her eyes were red as she opened them and looked at me. My heart was breaking. I loved her so much, but I felt so powerless. It was as if my hands were tied.
“Yeah, I know”.
She smiled towards me slightly.
“I just feel so… I don't know, I don't think I've ever felt like a real woman, or person even, with him, so I guess I have acted accordingly. He never made me feel good about myself. Or beautiful”.
She took a deep breath and I could sense that she was on the verge of tears again. I reached out, taking her hand in mine.
“You are beautiful, Lisa. So very beautiful”.
I fought to keep looking at her. In the eyes, not wanting to turn away, even though my heart was pounding in my chest, from fear. I had just wanted her to know. Because she is. I wanted her to see that I meant it, but opening my heart to her scared me.
“Avery…”
She opened her mouth slightly and my eyes were for a moment drawn to her moist lips.
I knew how they would feel against mine and that notion made my legs feel as if they were filled with sparkling water. I just wanted to kiss them. Make her feel good. Really good.
I reached out, slowly touching her lips with my fingers, silencing her. I felt as if I was standing on a cliff, ready to throw myself over the edge. Without any string or safety net to save me.
“You don't have to say anything, Lisa. I just want you to know how beautiful you actually are. How beautiful you are to me. In every way possible. You are kind, caring, fun to be with…”
My words just faded away as I looked into her eyes. I swallowed when she lightly kissed the palm of my hand. I tried to debate with myself on what to do, but my feelings took over completely, making my want draw me closer to her. She let go of my hand as she placed hers on my cheek, caressing it tenderly.
I knew that I should have stopped it, should have restrained myself. She had been drinking a few glasses of wine and was already in a vulnerable state to begin with and therefore probably more susceptible to my words because of it, but logical thinking and thinking about consequences were totally powerless against the want I felt.
I leaned closer to her, not giving her a chance to mistake my intentions for anything but what they were. She looked at me for a moment as our lips touched, before closing her eyes. She put her hand behind my head, entwining her fingers in my hair as she tenderly pressed me closer. I just wanted to feel her, so badly.
I placed my hands on her lower back, sliding them up under the rim of her t-shirt. Her skin was so soft, like velvet against my longing hands. She tasted so good and I could hear myself moan as I felt her soft tongue touching my lips, before demandingly entering my mouth.
Her actions were so passionate, so intense and I surrendered, letting myself be led.
Led down the path I would have known not to take if I had just listened to my brain instead of my heart. She panted into my mouth as she pressed me down on the couch, laying her body down on top of mine. I could feel my heart beating like crazy in my chest. I was so happy, I could have cried when I felt her so close to me, lying there in my arms. Finally. I felt as if all my dreams, my life-long dreams of meeting a woman like her, were finally coming true. I had waited for a long time and I would have given her anything at that point. Anything.
But I should have known that it was all happening too fast. And at the wrong time. Things that seem too good to be true, usually are. Because she suddenly stopped herself, leaning her forehead against mine, breathing heavily. I tried to meet her eyes, to see what she was thinking and feeling, but she kept them closed.
“I… “
She shook her head and sat up beside me on the couch, running her hands through her hair. “I'm so sorry, Avery”.
I didn't know what to say to her as she finally looked at me. I could still see the want in her eyes, even more clearly than before. But she looked so confused, so utterly confused. Almost as if she didn't know what to do with herself.
It made me realize what I had done.
I had ruined everything. I was so fucking stupid. Taking advantage of her in the vulnerable state she was in. I could have killed myself for simply giving in to the want and lust which had been my companions since I first saw her. We were clearly not on the same page and I had to accept that, no matter how hard it was for me to let go of the hopes and dreams I had. I should have known that I was simply not the person who could get to be with someone like Lisa. It just wasn't for me, apparently.
“Maybe I should go home”, she said as she stood up.
I knew that all of this mess was my fault, but I didn't want her to do that. And she shouldn't go home in the state she was in. She had no car and neither one of us should be driving anyway, because of the wine we'd had. And I sure as hell wouldn't let her walk home in the middle of the night. Alone.
“No, Lisa. Please stay”.
I stood up as well, stepping closer towards her, taking her hand in mine.
“I'm sorry for this. Please don't go”.
She smiled faintly towards me, settling my heart a little. I was so scared I was going to lose her; that she wouldn't want to see me anymore. Because of my actions. She had kissed me too, sure, but I had been the instigator.
“Ok”, she complied.
She looked at me for a few moments. I tried to smile back towards her, tried to battle the thoughts that were flowing around in my head. I just wanted to talk to her about all this, tell her how I felt and explain why it had all happened. But I had no idea what to say. What would she do if I told her that I was in love with her? Would I ever see her again? Like this.
I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure of anything at that point. It would probably be best if I just left her alone.
I let go of her hand, intending to go to the bedroom and get some sheets and stuff for her so that she could lie down. I figured she was tired and she probably needed some time alone. To herself. And I did as well. It hurt me to be so close to her. It hurt me so much, I could actually physically feel it. In only a few moments time, I had been happier than ever before in my life, a feeling which was then so suddenly changed into the greatest fear I had ever experienced.
“Avery, I'm sorry for behaving like this. I just feel so confused about everything”.
I just watched her as she spoke. She looked sad and I have no words to even try to describe how intensely I regretted what I had done.
“I don't know what I'm feeling right now, Avery. I feel so connected to you in a way that I don't understand, but I just need to straighten all of this out in my head. I feel so damn confused”.
“You don't have to explain yourself to me, Lisa. This is all my fault. I'm sorry. I never meant to confuse you”.
I looked away from her as I walked passed her, not stopping when she reached out to touch my arm as I walked by. I felt as if I just wanted to cry and I didn't want her to see it. She had probably had enough of dealing with idiots for one day as it was and I also wanted to spare her the feeling of having to come up with something to say. Everything was embarrassing enough as it was. I had really screwed up this time.
***
I sighed as I pulled the cover over me some 30 minutes later. I had taken a cold shower after leaving Lisa with the sheets and stuff in the living room. I had offered her the bed, but she had insisted on sleeping on the couch, saying it would be too uncomfortable for me there and that it was better if she slept there, since she is shorter. It made sense, I guess. It didn't really matter, I would never be able to sleep anyway. With her in the next room.
The cold water had done nothing to rid me of the intense emotions I experienced since I'd had her so close to me. I had felt her soft skin against my hands, kissed her soft, full lips.
I closed my eyes as I removed the cover from my warm body. I could still feel them on mine. It made my whole body on fire. My mind, or body, would never be able to forget those feelings now that I had experienced them first hand. My imagination of how it would feel, was nothing compared to the real thing. Nothing. She had aroused me in a way I had thought was impossible and I knew that the love I felt for her, how much I cared about her, was the reason for it. Apart from the fact that she was so incredibly sexy, that is.
The truth was so different from what that fucking idiot Matt had said obviously. She is the ultimate woman. She has absolutely everything. I couldn't stand the thought of him having ever touched her. It made me feel sick.
I just wanted to go to her. Feel her that close to me again. But I was never going to make that mistake again. She didn't want me enough. Not in the same way I wanted her, at least. Maybe she'd wanted to sleep with me, for some reason. But I wanted all of her. Forever. For me, it wasn't just something physical, like a bad itch that needed scratching. No matter how badly it was itching. Because it was. But that's just the thing when you have an itch; the more you scratch, the worse it gets. And then you have to scratch some more until it drives you crazy.
I felt so restless, for a while fearing insanity had already found me. I couldn't even think clearly. I had to get up.
I jumped, drawn from my thoughts, as yet another loud bang was suddenly heard from outside, only a few moments after lightning had lit up the whole room. It had been going on the whole night, ever since we got to my place. Thunder was really close by then, probably right above us. I loved it, as always. I think it is cozy. Romantic even. At least that's how I feel. I didn't know if Lisa was afraid, but couldn't really go and ask her either, could I?
I got up from bed, moving slowly through the hallway, trying to be as quiet as possible, internally cursing the creaking of the wooden floors.
I stopped as I entered the living room area. Lisa was lying there with the blanket over her body. The room was dark, but I could see her beautiful form, cuddled up on the couch, every time lightning lit up the room for a few, short moments. I feared that the sounds would wake her up and make her see me standing there, watching her like a stalker. She was lying completely still, on her side, breathing evenly. It certainly seemed as if she was asleep, but I wasn't sure. I didn't want to stand there for too long, in case she knew that I was there. Everything was already awkward enough as it was.
I could see lights coming from her cell, where she'd left it on the table by the couch. It drew my attention from her. It wasn't the first time it had happened during the evening. The phone ringing, that is. Someone had been calling her every ten minutes or so the whole damn night. She hadn't said anything about it and I hadn't asked either, but I had figured that she would have answered if it had been her mum or someone like that, since it could be important. Apparently she had turned the sound off, but you could still hear the sounds the vibrations caused as the phone moved slightly across the glass table every time it rang. It wasn't really my business who called her, but my curiosity got the best of me. I mean, it was the middle of the night after all. I stepped closer to the table, leaning over it slightly to look at the display. It was just as I had suspected. “Matt calling”, it said, before the idiot apparently hung up.
I forced myself away from the sight, walking on my toes towards the kitchen area. I took some orange juice out of the fridge and poured me a large glass. I was really thirsty, after the wine, I guess. I closed my eyes as I savored the taste of the cold liquid, running down my throat. That fucking idiot! So he wasn't going to let her go that easily, it seemed. I just hoped that he wouldn't cause any more trouble. That calling her was the worst he would do, however irritating it might be. I had seen the irritation on Lisa's face every time the damn thing had rung. I didn't trust him. Not at all. I knew that Lisa is an adult and that she can take care of herself, but I still worried about her. I couldn't really help myself. I wished that I could just take care of her. That she would want me to. Not that she needed to be taken care of, not like that, but I just wanted her to feel good. And I wanted to be the one who made her feel that way.
“Avery?”
I almost choked on the juice as I opened my eyes. I had been so occupied with my own thoughts, I hadn't heard her come. She was standing a few feet away from me, leaning against the counter. She had the beige blanket wrapped around her body and her hair was in a mess. She was smiling. I saw her looking at me briefly, up and down, before meeting my eyes.
“Aren't you cold, Avery?”
I just shook my head as I smiled towards her. It was rather cold in the room actually, but I wasn't cold at all, even though I only had a tank top and boxer panties on. It is all I ever sleep in, at most. Could never stand sleeping in a pajama with long legs and sleeves, for instance. It would drive me crazy. I can't even have my feet underneath the cover, always sleeping with them sticking out from under it, even when it is cold. Weird, I know but I have always been like that. I even feel confined in a sleeping bag.
“No, I'm not”, I answered her, pleased with the way I had seen her looking at me. “Would you like some?” I continued, nodding towards the orange juice which was standing beside me on the counter.
“Yes, please”.
I saw her flinch as lightning lit up the room once again, followed by a loud bang. She looked a little bit uncomfortable as she took the glass I handed her. I didn't know if she was scared or just surprised by how sudden it had been.
“Some weather, huh?” she said as she took a sip from the dark yellow liquid and I watched her as she then emptied the whole glass.
Again, my thoughts dwelled upon the earlier kiss as I watched her lick her lips as she put her glass away. I had expected her to look at me differently after the kiss we'd shared, the kiss I had initiated. I had feared that she would look at me with rejection in her eyes. But she didn't. The look in her eyes was kind, accepting, as if we shared something special, just the two of us. I hoped we did. And would. That it would become something more than this volatile state we seemed to be in right then. The feeling that it could just as easily disappear into thin air, simply wouldn't leave me.
I could still see the want in her green eyes as well. When she looked at me. I was actually half naked, but she didn't look away from me. She didn't even pretend to.
I just watched her as I saw her emotions clearly displayed across her beautiful face. I knew perfectly well that she must have seen mine as well, just as clearly. I didn't try to hide them from her. I couldn't have even if I wanted to.
You could feel the electricity in the air and the magnetism between us was so intense, I had to fight extremely hard to stay away from her. I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. Next time, if there ever was one, she would have to come to me.
“Avery…” she said again, almost whispering. “About before, I…”
I had to turn my eyes away from her, otherwise my fight to keep away from her would be for nothing. I busied myself by putting the juice back into the fridge and the glasses in the dish-washer. I was afraid of what she was going to say. And what I would say if I opened my damn mouth. My body was constantly playing tricks with my brain.
“There is nothing to talk about, Lisa”, I said as I walked passed her, shivering from the feeling of our bodies touching slightly as she reached out to touch my arm. I needed to get away from her, but she took hold of my arm, stopping me this time.
“Lisa, please don't, this is hard enough for me as it is”, I confessed as I turned around and looked at her. The blanket had slid down slightly from her movements, exposing her shoulders and chest. She still had only the t-shirt on. It was rather fitting, hugging her body closely; not making me have to use that much of my not so vivid imagination to see her naked body before me. She has beautiful breasts, I saw that even though I tried not to look at them. Too much.
She could easily have covered herself up again, but she didn't. Instead, she pulled on my arm slightly, making me come closer. I had no power left in me to resist her as she let go of the blanket, letting it slowly fall down onto the floor. Now she was standing there before me, looking me straight in the eyes, wearing only her t-shirt and panties.
She caressed my sweaty palm with her thumb as she drew me even closer towards her. We were only inches away from each other when she let my hand go, sliding both her hands slowly up my naked arms, placing them around my neck. She pressed me tenderly, but firmly against her.
I had promised myself to not let the temptation get the best of me again. I had to stop this. Why was she doing this to me? Leading me on and then regretting her actions when I touched her. My brain knew that she wasn't ready for this, even though my heart and body wanted to convince me of the opposite.
“Lisa…” I tried, but she only drew me closer. We were so close now, I could feel her breath on my mouth.
“Please, touch me, Avery”, she whispered.
She shouldn't have said that word. How could I stop myself now? I knew that she wanted it, so why the hell should I deny her? Or myself? What comes later, comes later. I shouldn't be worrying about that now. She was a grown woman, in every sense, and she could make up her own mind as to what she wanted to do, right? Who was I to say anything about it? And why shouldn't I just let go? Just follow my own feelings. I wanted to sleep with her. Needed to sleep with her. I would even go as far as to say that I craved it. Craved her.
She touched my lips with hers and my battle with myself got even harder when she slowly licked my lower lip with her wet tongue. She is such a great kisser, playing my strings as if she had done it thousands of times before. As if she knew exactly what I like and what to do to me to tear down every wall of logical thinking and notion of what I should and shouldn't do that I thought I had built up to protect myself.
“Lisa, I…” I tried again, hoping and at the same time not, that she would help me make the right decision. To stop this before there was no way of turning back.
I heard myself moan as I pressed my mouth into hers. I pressed her whole body into mine as I took hold of her firm, round buttocks, hearing her moan loudly as she temporarily let go of my mouth. She kissed me again with such passion I had problems keeping up with her. We were both panting like crazy and even though I wanted this more than I had ever wanted anything in my life, I couldn't get rid of the damn feeling in the back of my sex crazed mind, the thought which was nagging at me to stop. That this actually wasn't the right time. Even though it definitely seemed like it. At any other time in my life and with any other woman, I wouldn't have thought that way. I would just have done what I wanted. What I sensed that we both wanted. But everything was so different with Lisa. My fear of losing her was as profound as the desire I felt. More, actually. That is what finally made me stop.
“Lisa, wait”, I said as she brought my hands underneath her t-shirt, placing them on her firm breasts. They were so perfect and fit so damn perfectly in my hands. It was as if they were made for me, I thought to myself as I closed my eyes, taking the feeling of her in. The perfect match. I moved my hands slightly, caressing her. I wanted to take them away, away from her, but it was as if they almost had a life of their own, moving at their own will.
“Oh, my God, Lisa”, I whispered when I heard her moan from my touch. I forced myself to take my hands away, slowly sliding them down over her stomach as I felt her nipples harden under my fingers.
“It's ok, Avery”, she reassured me as I leaned away from her body slightly.
I kissed her lips again, but then stepped away from her. Words can't even begin to describe how hard that was for me.
“I want this more than anything, Lisa”, I said as I saw her looking at me. I took a deep breath, needing to calm myself down. Her eyes were intense, but she didn't look angry. She just closed them as I continued.
“I just want you to be sure that this is what you want. It has been an emotional day and I don't ever want to do something that you would regret later on”.
She just smiled as she leaned back against the black granite counter. I had never found her as sexy as I did then.
“You're such a good person, Avery. I don't think I've ever met anyone like you. Are you always this honorable?”
I smiled back towards her.
“No, I'm not, actually”.
If she had only known, I thought to myself; known which thoughts ran through my mind every time I looked at her. Every time I thought about her. They weren't all that good. At least not in the virtuous sense of the word. Or honorable, for that matter. Sinful would be a more appropriate description.
She smiled again as she reached down and picked up the blanket from the floor, but the smile didn't quite reach her eyes this time.
“Maybe it would be best if we just went back to sleep, huh? We both have to work tomorrow”.
She caressed my cheek lightly and I just nodded as she turned around and left me standing there alone again.
Maybe I had done the wrong thing after all? She had looked disappointed. What if she thought that I didn't find her attractive enough? That that was the reason why I didn't want to sleep with her. First Matt had said that she wasn't woman enough for him and then I had turned her down. Or had I? I didn't know. I couldn't get my mind around it all. She had stopped me first, on the couch. She had said that she was confused and in my heart, I knew that it was true. If she hadn't stopped me then, I wouldn't have stopped now. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Apparently I couldn't do anything right, as usual.
***
“Avery?”
I had heard the light knocking on the bedroom door. I wasn't sleeping. I hadn't all night, not even one minute. I had just been lying there, staring up at the ceiling or sitting out on the balcony, listening to the rain falling. It had been doing so all night, but on this night it did nothing to soothe me as it used to. All I could think about was what Lisa was thinking as she was lying there in the next room.
I looked at the clock. 7.30 a.m. Our shift started at nine, so I guessed I needed to get my ass out of bed, even though I really didn't want to.
“Come in”, I answered Lisa as she knocked on the door again. She probably wanted to use the shower.
“Good morning, Avery”, she said, smiling towards me. “Did you sleep well?”
She seemed cheerful again, but it didn't seem genuine. Not to me. I had seen a broad spectrum of her emotions play out in front of me during the time I had known her, so I was fairly certain that she wasn't as happy as she pretended to be. I couldn't make out was she was thinking, though. Exactly where we stood after last night. It confused me.
She sat down on the side of the bed, looking at me. I just wanted to reach out and touch her again. I missed her. She had her sweatpants on by then, in addition to the t-shirt, but she was just as alluring as before. And she smelled so good.
“About last night, Avery. I honestly don't know what to say. I was just feeling so lonely and confused I guess and you were so nice to me, I just…”
She took a deep breath.
I forced myself to keep looking at her. This was exactly what I had been afraid of. She had probably been thinking about it during the night. When the worst effects of the wine and the emotions her encounter with Matt had caused had worn off. Reaching the conclusion that it had all been a mistake on her part.
“I don't want this to come between us, Avery. We are still friends, right?”
I felt as if someone had stuck a knife through my heart. Friends? I didn't want to be her friend. Not like that. Especially now. What was it that she expected me to do? Pretend like it didn't happen?
I knew that I was unfair to her, but I couldn't help feeling like an idiot. As if I had been good to have around as a shoulder to cry on and someone who could have made her feel better for a while after the day she'd had. I knew in my heart that she isn't the kind of person who would just use someone for sex and then turn her back on them, but I couldn't help how I felt.
“Yeah, sure, we're still friends”, I forced myself to say as I got out of bed.
I was feeling miserable. Devastated. She had just taken the tiny little hope I had nurtured of us ever being together away from me. And left me with nothing. Nothing that mattered as much, anyway.
I couldn't believe I could have been so stupid! I had been waiting for her ever since I met her. Literarily. Waiting for her to come to terms with her feelings. Almost six months, that's how long I had waited. And for what? I could have just as well gone out and found myself someone else. Screwed someone else. Someone who really wanted me to do it. It wasn't as if I didn't have needs. That's what most people would do. Why couldn't I? I had fucked women before and not loved them like this, so what was the difference now?
“What the hell?” I thought to myself as I opened the door to the wardrobe and took out a pair of black jeans and a shirt to wear for work. “Maybe I'll do just that”.
I put the jeans on and changed into a clean white t-shirt. I didn't even care that Lisa was still in the room as I took my clothes off. I could see her watching me, but she didn't say anything. Or leave. I mean, it wasn't as if we were total strangers. She'd had my tongue in her mouth and my hands on her breasts. And I knew that it had aroused her. She could fool herself all she wanted, but she didn't fool me. I was going to show her what it was she lost out on. Then what would she do?
To be continued in Chapter nine…
Chapter nine
I could sense that she was angry and disappointed in me when I cancelled our date even if she didn't say so. But I could see it in her eyes. I felt like an ass if I'm honest with you; the deserving ass that I was, but I still knew that it was the right thing to do. I didn't go that far into the reasons why really, because what could I say? I suspect, though, that she had a fairly clear idea… she's not stupid.
I met up with Lisa again a while later like we had agreed and we walked together to the locker room to change our clothes and pick up our things.
Once again Kate was there, ready to leave for the weekend.
“So everything worked out fine, I see” she said when she saw us come in. She was smiling towards me. I guess nobody could misinterpret the look on our faces.
“Yeah, luckily for me”, Lisa said to her as she looked at me. She looked relieved as she opened her locker and started taking off her clothes. This time I didn't turn away from the sight.
“Well I'm going to leave you two lovebirds alone”, Kate said as she closed her locker and walked up to me, giving me a hug.
“Ben is picking me up in a few minutes, so I'd better hurry”.
I smiled at her and she made me promise to call her during the weekend, before she hugged Lisa too and left; she wanted to know everything that had happened I'm sure.
I realized that Kate must have talked to Lisa and encouraged her to come and talk to me earlier and I was really thankful to her for that. She always knows how my mind works.
I promised myself that I would invite her and Ben over for dinner soon to show how much I appreciated her and her friendship. At that point, however, I must honestly say that I was glad that Lisa and I were left alone.
“You are so beautiful”, I admitted to her as I kept watching her changing her clothes.
She stepped closer to me and put her arms around my neck. She looked me in the eyes and then kissed me. I put my arms around her waist as I smiled into the kiss.
“Aren't you afraid someone is going to come in here and see us?”
“No, let them come in, I don't care. It will give them something new to talk about. And by the way, they'll have to get used to seeing me with you, because they'll be seeing a lot of that from now on”.
She winked at me as she turned around again and put her jeans on. She was so sexy I had to almost physically stop myself from reaching out and touch her. I turned around too, hurrying to change my clothes since I was really eager to get out of there to be able to get some real privacy.
To be continued in Chapter ten…
Chapter ten
For disclaimers see Chapter one…
It was later in the evening when we came back to my apartment, at last. The day had been overwhelming, to say the least. A while ago, I had almost given up hope that we could ever be together, that she could actually do it. Or if she even wanted to. In a way I had understood that, of course, the choice she had made. Well, my intellect had, not my heart.
It couldn't be easy having your whole world, your known world anyway, turned upside down like that. It was all new to her, I mean, and even if I had known all my life who and what I am, it surely wasn't easy for me either, because I can say, without a doubt, that I had never felt like this before for anyone in my life. This kind of overpowering passion was completely new to me as well.
And now, here she was. With me, beside me.
“What are you thinking, Avery?” she asked, interrupting my daydreaming.
I looked at her; she was so beautiful. She smiled at me, tentatively. She looked slightly nervous and I smiled back, touching her cheek as I caressed it softly.
“Nothing and everything”, I said reassuringly. “I'm just so very happy right now. Happy that you are here with me, I hadn't expected it you know”.
I saw her eyes watering slightly and she took my shivering hand from her cheek and kissed it softly.
“I'm so sorry”, she said, “I was just so scared, scared of what I was feeling. I didn't know what to do”.
She looked at me and I could see the affirmation in her beautiful, green eyes.
“But I'm not afraid anymore”.
I touched her lips with my thumb and took a step closer to her. I saw her unconsciously spreading her lips slightly and all I wanted to do right then was to kiss her. I had wanted to kiss her ever since the day I met her and even though I already had, this time was so different. The whole situation was so different. Before, the intense passion I felt when we kissed had been accompanied by fear. And doubt.
I felt my heart racing and my entire body felt like it was on fire. At that point, I felt no fear whatsoever. I had intended to take things slowly, though; to let her decide the pace of it all, but I could sense all of my earlier resolve just disappearing when I looked at her.
I leaned my head towards her, thinking she could turn away if she felt that I was moving too fast. She didn't. Her pink tongue moved over her lips slowly, moisturizing them. We were so close now we breathed each other's air. Her breathing was heavy and so was mine.
A tentative second, a glance into her eyes, asking permission. She closed them in a silent answer, and I kissed her. I kissed her moist, soft lips and right then, it felt like we had never done anything else. It felt so familiar. So right.
The kiss started out slowly, but soon got more and more intense and I could feel her tongue, soft against my lips, asking, or demanding, permission to enter my mouth.
I didn't deny her, answering her kiss in the same fashion. Our tongues battled for dominance and I put my arms around her waist, pulling her closer to me. I wanted to devour her.
I honestly don't know for how long that fantastic kiss lasted, but eventually we had to stop due to our need to breathe.
She leaned away slightly, looking at me and I could swear her eyes looked darker. The desire, so clearly apparent in those depths made me shiver. She put her arms around my neck and moved even closer towards me. I felt her warm breath against my ear as she whispered to me.
“I want you to make love to me, Avery”.
I swallowed hard as I closed my eyes. I almost couldn't breathe. My God, was this a dream? At that point, my head was spinning so much, I wasn't really sure.
“I thought that maybe you wanted to wait, you know take things slowly?” I forced myself to ask, my heart pounding in my chest. I felt her grip around me tightening.
“I've waited long enough”.
“Are you sure?” I made myself say, every cell in me begging for her to say yes.
“Yes, baby, I'm as sure as I've ever been”, she answered, leaning away from me slightly.
She took my trembling hands, placing them on the top button of her blouse. Although I was nervous as hell, I couldn't help smiling at her affectionate use of the pet name. “Baby”.
I liked that.
I took her hand in mine and I could feel how moist it was. Leading her to my bedroom, I lit a couple of candles on the small bedside tables and went back to her. I still felt the sweet taste of her in my mouth. She put my hands back on her blouse.
“Please”, she said, almost whispering. “Please, Avery, I need you”.
My hands were trembling again as I started unbuttoning her blouse. The look in her eyes and the soft scent of vanilla and roses from the candles, which had started spreading in the room, intoxicated me.
We kissed again, passionately, and I gasped when she swiftly removed my inadequate hands from her blouse and tore it open. Every motive I had had, every thought of taking things slowly, simply scattered, like the buttons from her blouse as they fell down onto the floor.
I devoured her with my mouth, challenging her to keep up with me, while sliding her blouse off, down her arms, and onto the wooden floor. Our mouths only separated long enough for her to pull my sweater and t-shirt over my head. Now, I was as close to her body as I had ever been and it felt divine. Her chest against mine, my skin against hers.
Breaking from the kiss, I reached behind her back to take off her bra. She was breathing heavily as I slid the garment down her arms, revealing her bare breasts. My eyes were drawn to them. I couldn't stop myself as she stood there in the flickering lights of the candles, in front of me, in my bedroom, half naked. At last.
We kissed again as I softly caressed them. God, they were perfect…
We were both panting now and I sensed her leaning into me even more, pressing herself against me in an almost desperate way. I put my hands on her butt and pressed her more into me. However desperate her actions seemed, they were nothing in line with the urgency I felt. It was insane.
She moaned and started unbuttoning my jeans as I did the same with hers, pulling them off her body together with her underwear as she lifted her feet, helping me. I was desperate to get everything that separated us out of the way. After all that had happened, after all the stupid things that had gotten in the way of this, since I first saw her; the thin, white cotton of her panties was the last boundary.
I gently pushed her down onto the bed, our clothes were now lying in a puddle on the floor. She pulled me on top of her and roughly slid my underwear down my legs before grabbing hold of my ass and guided me against her.
“Please, Avery”, she panted. “I don't think I can take it anymore; I want you so much.
I want to feel you”.
I kissed her neck, her breasts, her belly. How I had longed to hear those words. She didn't have to ask me, I would do anything she wanted. Anything. And I had a distinct feeling she didn't want this to be slow. Not now. That was perfectly fine with me.
I moved my hand to the area between her legs. She instantly spread them wider, moaning as she allowed me access. I kept lightly kissing every available part of her delicious skin as I slowly caressed her. She was so wet, convincing me in every way possible that she wanted this. That she wanted me.
Her motions grew more and more demanding as I kept on what I was doing and her hands were everywhere on me. They massaged my back. They were in my hair, pressing my mouth harder onto her skin. They guided my hand to her breast and she moaned loudly as I first caressed one perfect mound, then the other, almost losing control of myself as I felt her nipples harden from my touch. Finally her demanding hands once again found my butt.
The sensual movements of her body against mine urged me on even more. I needed her like crazy. I removed my hand and positioned myself on her, our most sensitive areas against each other's. I couldn't wait any longer, either. I had never been so turned on in my life, not even close.
I leaned on my elbows, framing her beautiful face with my hands as I began moving my body against hers, slowly, teasingly as I watched her. She smiled towards me as she placed her calves on the back of my thighs and pressed me even more intimately into her as her fingers dug into my back.
“Oh, my God, Avery…” she moaned, her legs locking me in a fierce grip. “You feel so good, so, so good…this is so…oh God…”
I moved into her over and over again, increasing the pace of my movements slightly.
I kept watching her, not wanting to miss a thing, not even the faintest expression on her beautiful face. We were both panting by then and the wild look in her eyes almost made me come on the spot just by looking at her and I realized that this really wasn't the time to take things slowly. Six months of pent up lust and now the dam was about to burst.
I grabbed hold of her hands and placed them above her head as we started moving against each other in a more and more frantic pace. Faster. Harder.
She looked straight into my eyes the whole time and after only a short moment, she came as she moaned my name loudly. Her whole body was shaking over and over again as she squeezed my hands hard and the extra movements made me come too. I felt it in every fiber of my body and I let out a long moan as I felt wave after wave ripping through my sensitive body. It was the most fantastic feeling ever. No woman had ever made me feel that way.
I was shivering all over, exhausted. I lowered my body completely down on top of hers with my head against her chest, trying to calm myself down. She kissed me lightly on my forehead and caressed my sweaty hair away from my face.
“I think I love you, Avery”, she whispered.
I raised my head up and looked at her; she had tears in her eyes. I could see the uncertainty in them when she looked back at me.
“I'm in love with you too”, I said, reassuring her. “And I think I have been since the first time we met”.
I knew it was true. I had known since I first saw her, when our eyes met for the first time that day in the cafeteria. It was some time ago now, but the feeling had never diminished or gone away. A tear ran slowly down her cheek and I kissed it away, leaning up on my arms above her now.
“Are you cold”, I asked, worried as I saw her shivering.
“No, baby”, she answered and started laughing. “How could I be after that?”
I couldn't help laughing too.
”Yeah, I see what you mean”, I continued, leaning even closer to her. “That was so intense”.
“Yeah, that's an understatement”, she replied, looking almost embarrassed. “I don't know if... I've never…”
She went silent, not seeming to find the right words. She looked away from me. I couldn't help getting slightly worried. If she would regret being with me this time, my heart would break. I was certain of it. I didn't want to be afraid, but all the previous disappointments crept up on me anyway.
“Look at me”, I insisted. “What is it, Lisa? Talk to me, tell me what you're thinking”.
I sat up so that I could see her face. She was quiet for a few more seconds, searching for the words she was looking for.
“I've never done this before”, she admitted, shyly. “And, of course, I know you have”.
She turned away again before continuing.
“I just don't want you to be disappointed, Avery”.
“Disappointed?”
I caressed her face and turned her back towards me.
“You could never disappoint me, Lisa. And just so you know, I have never experienced anything even close to this before. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Can't you see that?”
I sat up with my back against the wooden bed post, guiding her to sit on my lap, facing me.
“I loved making love with you”.
I kissed her as I caressed her back, slowly up and down. Her skin was still moist.
“Me too”, she said, answering my kiss. “Very much”.
She kissed me again and I couldn't help getting excited once more, with her sitting there naked and so beautiful on top of me. I could feel her warmth on my skin, still wet from before and her breasts were only inches away from me. Our kiss deepened and I put my hands on her butt, pressing her against me. I hadn't had enough of her. Hadn't had enough of seeing her face as she climaxed. Watching her. Touching her.
She let go of my lips, not being able to concentrate on the kiss any longer as I moved her intimately into me. She smiled as she put her hands on both sides of my head, massaging it.
“You know you really are good, Avery”.
I just smiled back.
I didn't have to guide her for very long before she began moving against me by herself, her breast swaying teasingly in front of me.
I licked away the salty sweat from her breasts and took one pink nipple, then the other, in my mouth, sucking on it lightly. She moaned loudly now, moving her body faster as she leaned her head back. God she was so sexy…
I changed my focus from her breasts to her neck, as she exposed it to me and reached down between her legs. With two fingers, I stroked her slowly, then slid them inside her, feeling her inner muscles embracing me tightly, holding me in place. She felt so good. I waited a few moments, letting her body adjust to the fullness before moving slightly out, then slowly inside again.
We moved against each other in a slow, sensual motion, and I took her deeper as she moved even more into me, seeking the more intimate contact. She drove me mad with the way she panted my name every time she moved herself into me.
It was the most beautiful sight of my life, when she came. I could feel her tightening around my fingers, with a soundless scream, before falling into my arms.
I stroked her across her back and moved us so that I could lay down behind her. I pulled the cover over us and put my arm around her slim waist. She took my hand in hers and caressed its palm with her thumb as she moved closer to me, molding her body into mine.
We didn't speak for a long time; words weren't necessary at that point. Just lying there was enough, happy as we were over the fact of being together like that. I knew that I was. I had never in my life been happier. Ever.
I can't say that I know how many minutes, or even hours, went by but finally I forced myself to get up from bed. The candles had burnt out and the room was now dark.
I could hear that Lisa had fallen asleep, so I put the covers back over her. I hadn't dared go to sleep, afraid that if I did, I would then wake up and find that this had all been a dream.
I put on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, thinking I should get my ass to the kitchen to make us something to eat. We hadn't eaten anything since lunch and Lisa had, for once, just picked around in her food then, so I knew that she was hungry.
After turning on the lights in the hall, I just stood in the doorway for a while, watching her as she slept. She looked so peaceful, but at the same time so vulnerable. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. If my body hadn't still almost physically felt her, I wouldn't have been sure that it wasn't all a dream. No dream could make your body feel the way mine did then.
Finally tearing myself away from the view, I tried my best to be as quiet as possible as I did an inventory of my kitchen, trying to come up with something to cook. I like cooking a lot, that's true, but I hadn't done very much of it lately with too much to do at work and little time to spare. Cooking and eating by myself aren't some of my favorite things to do either.
I opened the fridge and realized I really needed to do some serious grocery shopping soon. It was pretty much empty. Luckily, I found some pasta and enough ingredients to make some sauce to go with it at least. I looked over at the clock on the kitchen wall; 9.30 p.m.
“Well, I guess it isn't that late after all”, I thought to myself as I started taking out pots and pans, tomatoes, onions, garlic, basil and olive oil for my sauce.
Spaghetti with tomato sauce is a rather simple dinner, but it is always good. And I knew how much Lisa likes Italian food, just like me. Food wasn't really what occupied the main part of my brain anyway that night. She was. And her body. My God! I had never felt anything like it. None of my wildest dreams, and I had had a few if I'm honest, could even come close to how it had been to actually be with her. To touch her body. I had to close my eyes as I felt my whole body shivering from the thought of it. I needed to get busy with the food, otherwise I would simply go back to the bed. Back to her. And do it all over again.
I stood there, chopping, when I felt arms sliding around my waist, hugging me tightly.
I smiled to myself. I hadn't heard her come. I had been thinking of other things too much to register anything else. It was a miracle I hadn't managed to cut off my fingers as well in the process.
“Did I wake you?” I asked, turning around.
“No. I just missed you”, she replied with a quick kiss. “And I'm really hungry…”
I smiled at her. Her cheeks were rosy, with pillow marks on one of them, her hair was in a mess and she had only panties and my sweater, which was too big for her, on. She looked so cute.
“Can I help you with anything?” she asked, letting go of me.
“Yeah, you can, actually”, I admitted, still smiling. “You can open a bottle of wine, take out two glasses from the cupboard over there”, I pointed out to her, “and then you can place your sexy little butt on a chair by the table”.
She smiled that sensual smile again, making my knees go weak.
“Ok”, she agreed and turned around to follow my instructions, moving her hips just a little bit extra as she walked away from me.
“God, help me”, I thought to myself as I admired her. I could eat her up…
I turned back to my chopping, or tried to anyway, shaking my head at myself.
I put the now chopped tomatoes in the pan together with the already fried onion and garlic mix, leaving it all to cook for a few minutes and went to join Lisa by the table.
“Here you go”, she said, offering me a glass of wine, its dark ruby color looking sensual and complementary to the occasion. I could see that she had opened a bottle of Chianti; excellent choice by the way.
“Cheers”, I raised my glass to her.
She smiled towards me.
“Cheers, and thank you”, she answered and raised her glass too.
“For what?” I asked, taking a sip of the dark red liquid.
Taking a sip too, she looked at me with intense eyes.
“For everything. For giving me another chance”.
She took another sip, then another. I reached over and put my hand on her cheek.
“I love you”, I said when she placed her hand on top of mine.
“I love you too, baby”, she replied as she brought my hand to her lips and kissed it.
“So how is dinner coming along?”
She smiled at me when she saw my fear. Shit, I had forgotten about that. As I said, food was not the main thing on my mind. But I didn't have enough ingredients to make everything all over again. I rushed over to the stove and, luckily for me, everything looked ok. I would have hated to have screwed it up, ending up having to order pizza or something.
I stirred the sauce around and put some spaghetti into the boiling water before returning to her. I could see her following my every move.
“You know, I really like your place Avery”.
I knew she did. She had said so on more than one occasion.
“Thank you”.
I looked at her.
“It's small, but practical, and has always been enough for me”, I explained, making a gesture towards the rest of the place.
“So you've always lived here by yourself?” she asked tentatively, lowering her gaze and taking a mouthful of her wine. I smiled to myself, since it was perfectly clear what she was really getting at.
“Yeah, I've always lived by myself”.
She glanced back at me as I stated that fact.
“Things have never been serious enough with anyone before for me to even considering moving in with them”.
I paused. “Before”. The word just came out without me thinking. I looked at her, trying to figure out if she had noticed. Not that I regretted saying it, by no means, I just didn't want to pressure her in any way by imposing my feelings on her. It was true, though, that I wanted to spend every moment possible with her. Personally, I could go and get all her things right then, so that she could be with me every single second.
She watched me closely, seeming clearly more self-confident now as she sat there smiling at me. But she didn't say anything; wanting to torture me I'm sure.
“That sounds just perfect, Avery”, she said finally, smiling wickedly at me.
I sighed from relief, feeling my face turning warm and red. She just laughed at me as I emptied my glass. The wine burnt wonderfully in my throat, settling me slightly. I really needed to calm down at this point. I had feared that I was moving too fast.
I was saved by the bell, or the timer to be exact, telling me that the spaghetti was done.
I saw her smirking at me as I stood up and went back to the stove to take the pasta off the heat. I poured the water out and put the spaghetti in the pan, where the sauce was now ready. After mixing everything together, I poured it onto a large serving plate and finished the dish by sprinkling a generous amount of freshly grated parmesan cheese over it all.
“Wow, that looks delicious”, she said to me as I put the plate on the table in front of her.
”Thank you, I hope you like it”.
I served her a large portion and sat back down, handing her a fork, a spoon and, most importantly, a paper napkin. Eating spaghetti with tomato sauce has a tendency of becoming rather messy.
“Dig in”.
She looked at me, smiling.
“Believe me, I will”, she answered and started spinning the spaghetti around her fork, taking a mouthful.
I watched her as she went about it. What an amazing feeling it was, sitting there, sharing a meal with someone you love. After the best sex of a lifetime… I smiled to myself. Hell, yeah…
Not that I had started eating; I was too busy watching her. It was amazing, really and at the same time so new for me.
Just as I had expected, she ended up with tomato sauce on her chin. For a moment I considered reaching over to remove it with my napkin, but it just added to her appeal, so I let it be.
“This is really good, Avery”, she complemented me, taking yet another mouthful of spaghetti. “Aren't you going to eat?”
She looked at my still untouched food, making a gesture towards it.
“Of course I am”, I responded, taking another sip of my wine. “I'm just admiring the wonderful view”.
I smiled at her and she shook her head at me.
“Eat”, she said, making it sound like an order. “You crazy woman…”
I just laughed at her. I love her modesty; she simply doesn't realize how beautiful she is and that just makes her even more attractive.
When we had finished our dinner, she helped me put the dishes in the dishwasher before we went to the living room. I put a cd with cello music in the sound system and lowered the volume a bit so that we could just hear the music in the background. I watched Lisa who was now lying down on the couch, resting her head on her elbow.
“Come here, baby”, she instructed me with that sensual voice of hers, patting the walnut colored leather beside her. I did as she had instructed and she changed positions so that I could lay down beside her with my head on her shoulder.
“I love this piece”, she said, referring to the music. “What is it?”
“It's Bach”.
I rose myself up on one elbow, so that I could look at her. She looked so beautiful in the dimmed light of the living room. I know I'm going on and on about it, but I just can't say it enough; I guess it's just one of those things you have to see for yourself.
I caressed her face gently, trying to rub the tomato sauce from her chin with my thumb. She turned slightly to face me, and kissed each of my fingertips tenderly. I could feel the tip of her tongue, warm and wet. When she took one of my fingers in her mouth, I didn't even know what to do with myself anymore and at that point I was seriously wondering if I would be constantly aroused from then on. The way she affected me, even only her presence, made me totally incapable of concentrating on anything else.
She removed my, now wet, finger from her mouth and slid down slightly on the sofa, then put her hand behind my head and pulled me towards her gently. Our lips met and I adjusted my body so that I could lie on top of her.
God, how I wanted her! She kissed me thoroughly.
“I just can't get enough of you”, she panted, momentarily letting go of my mouth.
She pulled the oversized sweatshirt off and then my sweatpants as well as I raised myself up a little to help her.
I devoured her mouth again and then slid her panties down her legs as I moved down her body, kissing every visible inch. I wanted to taste her. Needed to taste her.
Her wonderful body was writhing beneath me and she panted heavily as I got closer and closer to the area between her legs. Kissing. Nibbling. Licking. Everywhere. I was going to make her come. Hard.
I used my tongue, tasting all of her as I took hold of her delicious butt and moved her against my mouth.
“Oh, God yes, baby…”
She grabbed hold of my hair as I entered her with my tongue and moved into me harder. The feel and taste of her, the things I was doing with her made me crazy, and her too apparently as she screamed loudly as she came hard in my mouth, strong legs squeezing my head, holding me in place. It hadn't taken long.
I felt the contractions, over and over again. I kissed her intimately to make her feelings ebb out a little, drawing out a deep moan from her every time my lips touched her.
I was on the edge myself as I quickly moved up. What I saw when I looked at her turned me on even more. I had never seen her like that. She looked beyond wild. We kissed again, hard and she moaned into my mouth when she tasted herself there. She pulled me hard against her, placing her legs around my hips and started moving against me, demandingly as she grabbed my ass. We moved against each other furiously, the old leather of the couch squeaking loudly with our every motion. I was breathing heavily now and sweat ran down my back. It was so damn good and I had to let go of her mouth as I came. My whole body convulsed, shaking uncontrollably, which made me slam into her forcefully. That motion made her come too, a second time, her body arching like a tightened bow beneath me.
“Oh, my God, baby”, she screamed out again, her fingernails digging deeply into my flesh.
I was so exhausted, I couldn't do anything more than just lie there on top of her for a few minutes. I felt her chest heaving against my cheek. She caressed my back lazily with her fingers, calming me down. Finally, she spoke.
“You don't know what you do to me”.
She touched my cheek tenderly as I turned my head and looked up at her.
“I've always felt so… I don't really know which word to use… restrained before, as if I couldn't fully let go and just be open about what I wanted or needed. But with you, Avery…”
She smiled that sensual smile again, making me melt.
“With you I feel as if there are no limits and I feel so much surer of myself, as if anything is ok. I feel so free, you know. Free to act out every desire”.
She was watching me as she spoke, trying to see what my reaction would be, I guess.
“I'm not making any sense, am I?”
I sensed some of her earlier uncertainty returning.
“I'm so glad you feel that way with me”, I answered, stroking her arms tenderly. “Because I can assure you that there is nothing that you could ever want that I wouldn't do for you”.
I took her hands.
“Or with you”, I continued, smiling invitingly towards her.
When she met my eyes this time, she smiled back at me and, clearly having understood exactly what I was referring to, I can honestly say that she looked even more embarrassed than ever. She slapped me lightly on my hand, becoming even more flushed.
“You tease”, she accused and raised herself up, placing her naked body in a very alluring position, relaxing against the cream colored pillows on the sofa. I reached out my hand to touch her, but she pushed it away.
“No”, she teased, wiggling her finger at me. “No more of this for you”.
I could see that she, while playing her little game of revenge, tried to appear as unaffected as her words said, but her inviting eyes gave her away. I smiled at her and that made her laugh too. Bending forward, I gave her a light kiss, barely touching her lips and when she was about to deepen it, I swiftly got up from the couch and started putting my sweatpants back on.
“Ok, then”.
I watched her surprised look.
“If I can't get any more, neither will you”.
She sat up in the sofa, reaching out to try to get a hold of me, but I just barely managed to avoid her hands.
“You”, she whispered. “I'll get you for this”.
She looked so sexy, her naked body against the leather couch. I must admit that I really had to restrain myself.
“Bring it on, Lisa”, I replied, now reaching out my hand to her.
She stood up, still naked, and came towards me, making me unable, once again, to stop myself from staring at her.
“You win”, I thought to myself, knowing full well that I wanted her far too much to ever be able to win a game, which would include me not being allowed to touch her. I embraced her, loving the feeling of her warm body in my arms. When we finally let go of each other, she caressed my cheek.
“God, I love you”.
“I love you too. Very much”.
She answered by smiling to me, but I could see that the smile didn't quite reach her eyes.
“What's bothering you?”
Sensing that she was thinking about something, I just couldn't stand the thought of seeing her unhappy in any way.
“I don't mean to be the one to ruin this perfect day”, she confessed, “but it's just that I'm going to miss you so much next week”.
“I understand what you mean”, I replied and nothing could be more true.
I had thought about it a lot too, the fact that I had to go away for a few days the following week. Work of course, the purpose being to meet one of my research colleagues to discuss some of our results. These results were important as a part of the research I was doing related to my PhD studies. I didn't have that much work left, only a couple of months' worth and I was now, basically, just tying up some loose ends at this point, preparing for my dissertation. I had looked forward to this for almost four years, but now I couldn't help feeling that the timing was as wrong as it ever could have been.
“I'll miss you too, but I guess we'll just have to make up for it when I get back”.
I tried my best to sound reassuring, but I'm not sure I did a good job convincing her, since I sure as hell didn't feel any differently than she did.
“Yeah, I guess”, she tried. “And…”
“Yeah?”
“And, you'll have to start making up for it now as well, before you go”.
I smiled at her, seeing that she was trying to be less negative about it than she actually felt.
“Ok, sexy, anything you want”.
She laughed at my words.
“Oh, don't worry”, she teased, “I have a few things in mind”.
Deciding we could both need some fresh air, we put on some warm clothes and went out for a late night walk. We held hands as we walked around the block, enjoying the cool, crisp air and each other's company. I knew we both wanted to make the most out of these few days we had together before I was leaving and since today was Friday, we had a whole weekend together, without work or anything else coming in the way, before I was leaving on Monday morning.
We walked for about an hour, the weather was perfect for it, in my mind. It was cold and the wind was blowing the autumn leaves around, making soothing sounds as they moved. The sky was clear; the full, white moon shone its pale light down on us and we didn't see a soul. It was the perfect night.
***
When we returned home, I heated up some milk, letting some dark chocolate melt down into it. I knew how much Lisa loved hot chocolate so I had decided to make us some to warm us up. I filled two large mugs with the steaming hot liquid and brought them to the bedroom. Lisa was lying there on the bed, with a thick blanket wrapped around her body, watching some sitcom on TV. She looked towards me as I entered the room.
“I made us some hot chocolate”.
I walked up to the bed and placed the mugs on the bedside table.
“Thank you, baby”.
She curled herself up beside me as I sat down on the bed.
“You seem to always know what I need”.
Giving me a quick peck on the lips, she then leaned over me to reach out for one of the mugs. Her chest was only inches away from my face and her scent made my heart beat faster. I had never known that you could be affected like this by someone. It was almost insane, like I was obsessed, as if she had cast a spell on me or something.
I didn't mind, of course, but the problem, if anything, was that all I wanted was to stay in this bubble of ours, not wanting anything else, like the rest of the world for instance, with all its obligations, to impose and make it all go away.
She sat back down, leaning her back against the bedpost, sipping her hot chocolate. She started laughing, apparently at something on TV, drawing me out of my contemplation.
I grabbed my mug too, joining her and taking her free hand in mine. I guessed the best thing to do was to just live in the moment, not worrying too much about the future, because sadly enough, it would come anyway whether you wanted it to or not.
After we had finished our chocolate, we simply stayed in bed, watched some old movie we'd already seen a dozen times before, and just cuddled. It felt so good, lying there next to each other, kissing, caressing.
It was late when we finally went to sleep, both of us totally exhausted after such an emotional day.
To be continued in Chapter eleven…
Chapter eleven
It was still dark outside when I woke up. I could hear that it was raining again, raindrops smattering against the windows. I raised my head up slightly, trying to see what time it was. 7.30 a.m.
”Good”, I thought to myself, wanting there to be as many hours left of the weekend as possible.
I laid my head back down and put my arm tighter around Lisa's waist, feeling her unconsciously adjusting her position, moving even closer to me. She was still asleep, so I just kept lying there, holding her.
I am a morning person and always have been, so I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. I actually love being up early, just puttering about, making coffee, sometimes working or reading. Everything is quiet and calm in the mornings and I have always felt those things being energizing for me; sometimes it is the best time of the whole day.
This day hadn't started out so bad either, I thought, smiling to myself.
I could hear that Lisa still hadn't woken up. Her breathing was slow and even, and although I really didn't want to get up yet, I knew that I needed to take a shower. So, I reluctantly removed my arm from around her body, trying to get out of bed as quietly as possible, immediately missing the warmth and closeness of her as the cold air of the room hit me.
I went over to the windows to close them, to shut the cool air and the sounds of the smattering rain out.
Taking out a pair of clean underwear and a white tank top from the chest of drawers, I went to the adjacent bathroom. I let the water run for a while, wanting it to be steaming hot, before stepping into the walk-in shower.
I let the hot water run down my body, slowly warming me up. Leaning my hands against the white tiles, I simply stood there for a while, relishing the feeling of the hot water on my skin.
I turned my head around, startled, when I felt the temperature shift as cold air suddenly hit my body. Lisa was standing there, the glass door wide open. She took her t-shirt and panties off and slowly closed the glass door behind her as she joined me. She didn't say anything as she positioned herself in front of me, in between my outstretched arms, letting the hot water stream down her body. She bent her head backwards, making the steaming water cascade down her face and chest.
As always when I look at her, I was blown away by how beautiful she is; she is absolutely perfect. She made me breathe faster as she looked back at me, taking a step closer; the hot steam from the water made it feel like I was trying to breathe in a sauna.
“I want you”, she stated simply, her voice no more than a whisper.
I didn't answer. Reaching out behind her, I grabbed the shower gel from the glass shelf.
I took some in my palms and started washing her; her chest, her belly and her legs. She looked me in the eyes the whole time, breathing heavily, but didn't say a word.
I could see, by the look she gave me, her passion rising as I kept touching her and I recognized it.
With her, I sometimes want to take things slowly, to take the time to really explore every aspect of her, to relish it. And sometimes I don't. This was such an occasion. I sensed it from her as well. This was that kind of passion, an almost raw passion, that simply takes you over, leaving you with no control of yourself and the way the body shuts the brain off, taking over all control, can best be described as primal.
I raised myself up, having lathered her thighs, then her calves. We kissed passionately, over and over. As she let go of my mouth, she turned around, placing her hands against the tiles, supporting herself against the wall, just as I had done when she came to me.
“You forgot to wash my, back, baby”.
Her voice was dark, sexy, alluring and full with want. That did it for me. If I had had any trace of control left, it disappeared with those words.
Once more, I took some shower gel in my palms, massaging her back with my hands. Her skin, covered in soap, was so smooth. I washed her neck, her shoulders, her butt. She moaned and leaned her forehead against the cold tiles, pressing her perfect backside into my welcoming hands. I massaged it firmly. I simply love her butt…
Moving my hands, I caressed her belly next, and then moved further down, then even further. As I placed one hand on her breast and the other between her legs, she pressed her body tighter against me, forcing me to concentrate on not coming right there and then.
I caressed her slowly, deliberately avoiding her most sensitive spot and I could see it was driving her crazy. It drove me crazy too; the lust, pure and simple, she evoked in me was bordering on being overpowering, overwhelming. She looked at me over her shoulder.
“Please, Avery. I want to feel you inside me”.
We kissed again; a sloppy, hard kiss. I grabbed hold of her buttocks and squeezed them, then did as she had asked. I took her deeply, caressing her most sensitive area inside with each stroke.
“Yeah, baby, that's it”, she panted. “My God, you feel so good inside me…”
I could soon feel her muscles tightening, squeezing my fingers as she came. She almost took me with her. She leaned her body into me and I supported her with my arm around her as the feelings of her release slowly ebbed out.
She turned around, now facing me and took my hand in hers, bringing my fingers to her mouth. She slowly sucked them, one by one.
“I'm going to make you come, baby”, she stated.
I swallowed hard. I had never been able to come without direct stimulation before, but right then I was close, really close. Simply from those words.
“That's going to be an easy task”.
My admission was so true, having been forced to concentrate like hell the whole time on not coming by just touching her. She made me feel like an inexperienced teenager, doing this for the first time, not being able to control the expressions of my body.
She smiled at me, let go of my fingers and bent down on her knees. Just seeing her there like that brought me another step closer to the edge. I hadn't been sure she wanted to do that, at least I hadn't expected it. But she did.
And God she was good…
“Oh, shit… Lisa…oh…my God”
I couldn't keep quiet as she used her tongue on me. And her lips, enclosing me at the same time. She went about it slowly but firmly, holding on to my butt, hard. I just shut my eyes and tried to keep my focus. It was so damn good and I knew it wouldn't take long.
She grabbed hold of my right foot and placed it on her shoulder, increasing the contact of her mouth on me and I buried my fingers in her wet, blonde hair, massaging her scalp as I opened my eyes and watched her. I was so close now and I wanted to see her, affirm to myself that it was actually her. That it was her, doing this to me, making me feel like this.
When she looked up at me, watching me with those intense green eyes, I came. It was so powerful, the way the sensations ran through me, over and over again, until my legs were so weak I was forced to sit down.
Lisa smiled at me, making me smile too. She looked so proud of herself when she saw me sitting there, with water cascading down over me, trying to get myself together. I didn't know what to say, so I just kissed her.
***
She had made us breakfast and was just pouring me a cup of coffee as I entered the kitchen and sat down by the table in front of her. I had decided that I was really going to take care of her when I came back. Not that I didn't like it when she did that for me, cooking and things like that, it was just that I wanted to give something back to her for everything that she had done for me. Changing my life.
I took a sip from the mug, really needing the caffeine since I hadn't slept much during the night and I didn't think I could get any work done at all if I was going to feel like that.
“When does your shift start?” I asked her.
I had totally forgotten or maybe we hadn't even gotten around to discuss it, I wasn't sure.
She gave me a slice of toast and took a large bite of her own as she watched me. She was sitting by the window and her hair was shining in the pale light coming from outside, making it golden. It looked like a halo.
“At nine”, she told me. “I'll drive you to the station on my way”.
I shifted my gaze and looked out the window. The pale late October sun was rising, shining through the white curtains. Its light began slowly illuminating more and more of the room, drowning us in an ocean of white and yellow. The weather was not by any means in sync with my feelings.
I just nodded as I looked back towards her.
“Baby, what is it?” she asked, expressing the concerns I saw written on her face.
I just wanted to weep and put the slice of toast I held back down on the plate. I wasn't hungry.
“Just the same thing as before”, I answered her honestly.
She would probably think that there was something wrong with me, but I didn't care.
“I don't want to be without you. Especially now”.
She took my hand and smiled towards me faintly, but didn't say anything and it was just as good because there was nothing she could say. These past few months had been hell for me. Loving her. Wanting her. Not having her. My whole life had been shattered and I realized that I still hadn't picked up all the pieces, even though she was sitting there right in front of me now. Even though we had made love. I still felt so vulnerable, more so than I ever had in my life. Because now, for the first time, I had something to lose.
***
“Will you stay here?” I asked her a while later when we stood in the hallway, putting our jackets on. I wanted her to. I wanted to know that she would be here where I could picture her in my mind. I had thought of her in her own place as well, of course, many times, seeing her in my mind, but I associated this place with our life. Our life together. I had already given her a key, so she was free to do whatever she liked.
“Yeah, I think I will”, she confirmed, kissing me on the cheek. “I just need to get some more things from my place first, though”.
She hugged me hard and I could see her eyes shining from unshed tears as we left the apartment. It made me feel safe knowing that it wasn't just me who was trying to suppress the tears, even though I certainly by no means wanted her to be sad.
We took my car and she drove me to the station in silence. We got there just in time for me to catch the train. I had seen her swallow the all so familiar lump in the throat the entire time on our way there, but by then she couldn't hold back the tears any longer.
I took her in my arms and kissed her tenderly. She deepened the kiss and when her tongue met mine, I definitely didn't want to let her go. When we finally let go of each other, it was only because we had to.
The only thing I could think about was that the following three days were going to be long. Really long.
To be continued in Chapter twelve…
Chapter twelve
“Did I satisfy you enough this time or do you still want more?” I teased her.
She smiled as she caressed my cheek.
“You satisfy me every time, baby, so much that I don't know what to do with myself. But at this point I don't think my body could take any more, even if I feel like I can never get enough of you”.
I watched her as she spoke. I could never get to enough of her either.
“You have such an amazing body, Lisa”, I admitted as I massaged her back.
She was still sitting on me and I couldn't stop looking at her. God, she was hot! I saw her face getting red.
“You do”, I repeated. “It's perfect. Made to be touched”.
“Made to be touched by you, Avery”.
She bent forward and kissed me, lightly at first, but increasingly passionate as I separated her lips with my tongue and entered her mouth.
“I want to taste you, baby”, she panted as she broke the kiss and pressed me back down on the bed firmly.
I guided her face closer to mine and kissed her again. I wanted her so damn much, wanted to feel her gorgeous mouth on me. She always felt so good.
I closed my eyes as she began kissing her way down my body. I thought I would come just by thinking about her. The anticipation of what was to come. She constantly does that to me.
I almost lost it instantly when she touched me with her tongue. It was too fast.
“Lisa, wait…” I panted, but she didn't. God, she had to take it slower, I didn't want it to be over so quickly. She had barely started touching me, but after only a few seconds the feeling began…
“Oh, shit… I can't hold back any longer…”
My God what was she doing to me? I had never felt anything like it.
“Just let it go, baby”, she told me.
I couldn't lie still as she continued her relentless touches, so I did. It had never in my life been so intense, making me feel like my insides would come out. I'm not sure if I screamed, but I think I must have. I couldn't remember, my brain must have blacked out when my body took over, leaving me breathless and trembling.
“I'm sorry”, I said when I finally caught my breath again. “I can't seem to keep it together when I'm with you”, I confessed. “You are just so damn good”.
I smiled at her teasingly as I saw her getting flushed.
“So good”, I repeated and bent forward to kiss her. I knew that she was embarrassed and didn't know what to reply so I continued teasing her.
“Being with you makes me wonder if I've ever had an orgasm before, really”.
She started laughing now as she slapped me lightly on the butt when I moved to lay down on top of her.
“You are such a tease, Avery”.
I could see that she looked contented, though, with what I'd said. And it was true. Anything and everything I'd experienced in the past just faded away in comparison to what I felt with her. How my body reacted when she touched me. When I touched her. It was like something from outside of this world.
“Do you really mean that, Avery?” she asked as she ran her fingers up and down my back tenderly.
“I know of some of the women you've been with before. You know how women talk. I'd imagine that…”
I could feel my blood almost start boiling in my veins, instantly.
“Stop it, Lisa”, I said.
I removed my body from hers and sat up in bed, really pissed off. I hate this gossip that everyone was always occupied with. A story gets told from person to person, eventually turning out completely different than the truth. And women can really get into it, that's for sure.
“You shouldn't believe everything you hear, Lisa”, I told her and left her lying there in bed. She didn't say anything.
I put my sweatpants and t-shirt back on and went out onto the balcony, sitting down on a way too cold chair. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down, attempting to get rid of some of the irritation I felt. I knew that I had probably overreacted, but God, I hate women sometimes! I didn't know who had been talking to her and what they had said, but it didn't matter. I knew of some of the shit some people would say, especially if they were jealous or something. I sure as hell didn't want other peoples' bitterness influencing Lisa's opinion of me.
“Avery?”
I closed my eyes as I heard Lisa stepping out onto the balcony, joining me. She walked up to me and took my hands in hers and I looked up at her. She was only wearing panties and a t-shirt and had goose bumps all over her visible body.
“I'm sorry, baby”, she said. “I didn't mean to make you mad”.
I shook my head as I watched her. She looked worried.
“I'm not mad at you, Lisa”, I said and drew her closer to me.
She embraced me and put my head against her chest. I loved the feeling of her soft and loving hands against the cold skin of my back as she slowly massaged the tense muscles, calming me down slightly.
“I'm just mad about the fact that people always have to talk shit about others and about things they don't know anything about. I hate gossip and I don't want you to listen to any of it. You know what kinds of bitches women can be sometimes”.
I felt her chuckling and she bent down and kissed me on the head.
“Yeah, you can say that. I just can't stand it, and never have, when certain people sit there and talk about you and the thought of any of them having been close to you, my God, sometimes I feel as if I could kill someone”.
I looked up at her again and I saw her smiling towards me.
“I mean, Susan said that you…”
God damn it! I let go of her.
“What did she say? That we went out a few times? Or maybe that we had sex? Huh?”
I stood up again.
“I have never slept with her, or any of them for that matter”.
I had to force myself not to scream, since we were outside. I turned away from her, looking up at the sky. Dark, angry clouds were rolling in, looking almost purple in the white light of the full moon.
“I have never believed in mixing work with relationships before. I have dated maybe two or three people from work, gone out with them a couple of times, but that's about it. Perhaps they wanted to take things further, but I never have. Shit!”
I slammed my hand on the railing and closed my eyes after a few moments as the nerve signals reached my brain, forcing it to register the intense pain.
“So when I don't fuck them, they go around and talk shit about me and make up stories that I did?”
I was so angry, I didn't know what to do with myself or where to go. I couldn't understand how people could do that.
“How many women do you think I've been with anyway, Lisa?”
“Avery, please calm down”.
She put her arms around me from behind and the feeling of her and her energy soothed me slightly. I didn't want to fight with her. I hated it.
“I'm not thinking anything. And it's not strange to me, that many women want you, considering. It's just jealousy, baby. And it's probably my fault as well, some of it, anyway. I mean, I've hardly tried to disguise how I feel about you and maybe that inspires some people to talk like that, you know, to make me jealous of them or to think differently of you”.
Her voice was assuring, calming as she stood behind me, holding me tightly. I took her hand in mine and kissed it.
“I'm not a player”, I said, almost whispering. I couldn't stand it if she thought that I was.
“If you want the truth, Lisa, I can honestly say that I can't think of any woman who has meant anything else for me than sex. But that's it”.
I turned around and faced her, expecting her to look mad or disgusted or something, but she didn't.
“That's why everything is so different with you. Because I love you. I knew it from the first second I laid my eyes on you that everything had changed”.
She moved closer to me and I put my arms around her waist. She was cold. I massaged her skin, trying to warm her up. She didn't say anything, just pressed herself up against me and brought my mouth to hers, determinedly, as I felt the first cold drops of rain touching my already cold skin.
The kiss she gave me was so fierce and I had problems keeping up with her as she pushed her tongue into my mouth. I opened my eyes and looked around me, her mouth still on mine, when she began tugging on my sweatpants, untying the strings. I didn't want anyone to see us. It would take much for the neighbors to be able to see anything, because of the location of my apartment in the building, but still.
I had nothing on underneath my pants and shivered as her cold hands touched my ass. She pulled me against her and there was no sign of her usual tenderness as she moved her body sensually against mine. She made me so hot, even though the way she behaved surprised me a little. I realized that she must have believed the stories she'd heard.
“I have always hated that word, baby”, she panted in between wet kisses. “But when you say it…”
She let out a moan when I grabbed her buttocks and lifted her up and against me. I had decided to take us inside, not wanting to treat anyone to the view.
“What word?” I asked as I stepped inside, shutting the door behind me with my foot.
“Fuck”, she moaned. “I have always hated it, but when you say it, I must admit that it turns me on”.
She smiled towards me.
“I guess I'm more naughty than I thought I was”.
“Oh, really?” I smiled back at her. “Is that so?”
She nodded, still clinging on to me with her legs wrapped around my hips.
“Yeah. You can do whatever you want with me, baby. Everything has its time and place, you know. You can make love to me. Have sex with me. Fuck me…”
Her last statement was nothing more than a whisper and followed by a pause, but she looked right at me. Maybe she was wondering what I was thinking about what she had said. Honestly, I could actually feel myself getting wet.
I knew that me talking about others had pushed the scales in favor of her becoming like this, but I didn't mind. I wanted every aspect of her, of this wonderful woman. There were no limits as to what I would do for her. I would go to hell and back if necessary, with pleasure, since this endless lust I felt for her was hardly a virtue.
And I had met my match when lust is concerned, I can tell you as much. She used every bit of energy my body could give; she didn't seem to get enough. She was under me, above me. In front of me. She was everywhere…
Afterwards, I was lying on my back on the bed, totally spent but in utter bliss, with her beside me. It was all I could do. I was so soaked from sweat that I must have looked as if I had just laid myself down on the bed right after taking a shower. I knew she did. Even the sheets were wet.
“What is it, baby?” she smiled when I started laughing.
“My butt is cramping”, I admitted and she started laughing too as I tried to sit up.
It was true, it was cramping like hell and it was starting to hurt really badly.
“My God what a workout you put me through this time, Lisa”.
She just kept on laughing as she sat up and told me to turn around so that she could massage my tense muscles.
I moaned and was actually relieved when the pain started fading away slightly after a while, taking a deep breath. God she has capable hands…
“I don't have anything more left for you tonight, Lisa”, I joked with her as I turned around again. She kissed me.
“I have to save some energy for when I'm going to kill Susan”, I continued when she broke the kiss.
She caressed my cheek, tenderly as she smiled towards me.
“Screw her, Avery. I feel sorry for her, actually, if she has to make up stories like that. But if she'd ever come close to you, I'll kill her myself”.
“Screw her?” I joked with her and she slapped me on the thigh as she moved closer to me, placing herself in between my legs.
“Stop it, Avery, you know exactly what I mean!”
I kissed her again. And again.
“I hope I haven't gotten you hot again after using that word too, cause I can't take anymore”.
Now I could see her getting flushed, despite the darkness of the room.
“Yeah, I know”, she said. “It was almost animalistic in a way, I just wanted to feel you in every cell of my body. Possessiveness, I guess. I really don't know; I don't recognize myself”.
I just smiled towards her. I knew where her feelings were coming from. I had battled the thought of anyone having touched her since I first saw her, trying not to go there, to start thinking about it. It would make me crazy.
“Well you have me, I can promise you that.”
I saw a smile starting to cover her lips.
“Even if you won't have me anymore tonight”, I continued and she started laughing.
“Oh, that's ok, baby”, she answered with a teasing look in her eyes. ”How many times has it been tonight, anyway? Five?”
I started laughing too. It almost seemed like we didn't do anything else, but have sex. Not that I objected, though, mind you. If you had seen her, you'd understand.
To be continued in Chapter thirteen…
Chapter thirteen
For disclaimers see Chapter one…
***
After taking a shower together we put on some warm clothes and steady boots and headed for the woods. There is this wonderful trail there; it stretches for about five or six miles maybe if you take the shorter route. There is also another one which is more than twice as long, but I didn't want to take that one. I wanted us to be back in the cabin before dark.
I also had other plans for us that night.
It was a really nice day. It was cold, but the sky was clear and the sun was shining even though it didn't warm us up even the slightest. We held hands as we walked along the trail, all the way up to the highest point. There are benches up there and the spot offers a great view over the lake and the woods surrounding it. You can also see the nearest town from there. It's a beautiful place, actually.
We saw a few other people on the trail, but not that many, strangely enough. A few other couples walking along the trail as well, holding hands, like us. I didn't know any of them, so I guessed they didn't live in town. They had probably come there just for the scenery. It isn't unusual. The locals often refer to the trail as “lovers' trail”. It's easy to see why when you're there.
When we reached the top, we sat down on one of the benches, facing the lake. I could see Lisa admiring the view as I took the sandwiches and hot chocolate we'd brought out of the backpack. I could tell that she liked it even though she didn't say anything. She just stood there at the edge of the cliff for a while before joining me by the table.
“It's beautiful, Avery”.
I smiled as I gave her a sandwich and a plastic mug, filled with hot chocolate.
“Yeah, I know. That's why I wanted you to see it”.
She rewarded me with another lovely smile, making my heart beat even faster. The look in her eyes drew me in, almost as if I was hypnotized.
I didn't know what else to say. It was just a sight, but I would give her the whole world if I could.
We ate our food, sitting closely together as we watched the lake shift in color as the sun made its way across the autumn sky. We had talked about this and that, but after a while I could see that she was lost in thought, looking out across the lake, but seemingly not watching anything in particular.
“What is it, Lisa?”
I put my hand on her leg, massaging her thigh through the fabric of the dark blue jeans she was wearing. She was silent for a few seconds.
“Did you love her?”
She looked a bit sad when I looked at her. I could see that she was struggling with herself, to look as if she wasn't. But I could see right through her. I knew what she was wondering about, so I didn't ask. She thought that I had, obviously.
I turned my head away, looking out over the lake. You could just hint the roof of the cabin at the other side.
“No”, I said, honestly. “I was so young, I didn't know what love is back then. She was older than me, though. And my first”.
I saw her swallow, but she didn't turn away from me. I really didn't want to talk about that subject, but I figured that she deserved to know the truth. I knew that I would want to.
She took my hand as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“We met when I was 18”.
I shook my head.
“I was so stupid back then. Or naïve, maybe, mistaking sex for love. I thought she loved me, but I know now that I was just another conquest for her. A distraction”.
I could feel myself getting angry, even though it was so long ago. Lisa moved closer to me on the bench and it felt so good, so comforting to feel her body so close to mine.
“I'm sorry, you don't have to continue, baby”, she said, but I interrupted her. I wanted to.
I wanted to tell her everything, so that she would at least have a chance to understand me.
Anna was her name; well, is her name, I guess, I don't know what has happened with her in almost 15 years. She could be dead for all I know.
She was a doctor as well, working with my father back then. As I said, she was older than me, 33 at the time. And she was hot. At least, I had thought so then. I was so young and unexperienced. And full of hormones and curiosity, I suppose.
I had always prided myself with not being like everyone else. You know, dating boys and stuff, just because that's what everyone did and because you always had a feeling that's what is expected of you. Not from my parents or anything, but from society. If you want to be considered as “normal”, that is. To fit in. I never wanted that. And I knew who I was. What I was. What I am.
I have always been happier being by myself, than hanging around other people, with whom I have nothing in common. The price of being honest with myself had been loneliness.
I didn't have that many friends, even to begin with. I was that kid who had always had top grades. Everyone, my classmates that is, thought that I was stuck with my nose in a book all the time, but that wasn't true. I simply learn things easily and remember things that I'm told, never having to study that much. I even gave the wrong answers at tests intentionally sometimes, so that I wouldn't have the top score. Nevertheless, I was always the nerd.
No one ever saw me for who I really was. Mum always said that they were just jealous because I was pretty. I didn't buy that either.
So, I guess that I was an easy target, thinking that someone wanted me, for once. I was totally into her. She made me feel things that I had never felt before. Do things I had never done.
We met at the hospital, when I was there, visiting my father. He was the chief of surgery and she was an attending. She had come on to me. It was easy for me to understand even if I had never been with anyone before her. She hadn't been very subtle, either. She had seduced me with her looks and her talk.
It went on for over a year. We were at her place most of the time. No one knew about us, because she wanted it to be a secret. I didn't realize why at first. Then it all became clear.
It turned out she was married. Her husband was away a lot, that's how she could keep up what she was doing. And I wasn't her only “diversion”, as she referred to me as. She told me that she had just been enjoying my young body and my willingness to learn and please. And that she had thought that I had known and wanted it that way. That I actually should be grateful that she took me under her wings. Grateful that someone like me could get to fuck someone like her. That I was stupid to think that I could have anything else to offer her.
She had told me that it had been fun, spending time with me. And that the sex had been the best ever. I don't know, maybe that's what she told everyone. Anyway, her words have tainted every relationship I have ever been in, since. Making me feel as if I was great for sex, but not much else.
Back then, it devastated me. I locked myself in my room for weeks, not wanting to talk to anyone. It took my mum a long time to be able to get me to open up, to tell her what had happened.
She took care of the matter, made her get another job, to move away from here, making it clear to her that she would tell my dad if she didn't. That wouldn't have been good for her career, so of course she did.
He still doesn't know, not to this day. Nobody does, except my mum and Kate.
“What a fucking bitch!”
Lisa got up from the bench, but I stopped her by taking hold of her arm, trying to make her stay in place. I didn't want her to be angry; that's not why I told her. I had actually never heard her curse like that.
“It was a long time ago, Lisa. Come here”.
She sat down again, next to me as she looked at me.
“Is that why your mum has been so against the women you've dated?”
I smiled slightly at her question. So that she had remembered?
“Yeah, that, and some other stupid things I have done”, I admitted. “I haven't always made the best of judgments when it comes to women. I've probably tried to live up to what I thought of myself. And what I thought others thought of me. Being with women for sex, but never letting them get close. Not emotionally”.
I brought her hand to my lips and kissed the palm.
“Until I met you. You tore down that wall the moment I saw you. Just with one look”.
She had tears in her eyes and I saw her closing them. I leaned closer to her. She was so different from Anna, it didn't even feel right to mention the two of them in the same sentence.
“I love you so much, Lisa”.
When I kissed her, it was from all the endless love I felt for her. And the gratitude. I had never thought that I could feel like this. And I had never known how much I had missed it, before I experienced it. I would never trade it for anything. Everything that I had ever felt before her was just physical. Nothing more.
“I will spend the rest of my life, showing you how much. And how much you've changed everything for me”.
She caressed my cheek and smiled.
“I love you, too, Avery”.
We sat there on the bench for a while longer. I felt as if a stone had been lifted from my chest. I felt so relieved. I didn't want anything to be unrevealed between us. If we were to have a real chance of building a life together. A good life. Otherwise there would always be a risk that the past would try its best to destroy a little bit here and there. No matter the amount of love involved.
Lisa had said that she was thankful that I had told her and that it meant a lot to her to know that I trusted her that much. I could see in her face that she meant it. She looked relieved as well and happier than before, at least in a different way.
We had our arms around each other as we walked back to the cabin, stopping from time to time, just kissing and holding each other. It was getting dark and colder, so I had to try to keep my hands to myself as much as I could so that we could get back as long as there was daylight enough to make us able to see where we were going. It was hard.
***
I was lying with my head in Lisa's lap later that evening, looking up into her beautiful face. We had lit a fire and were just relaxing in the living room couch after having dinner. We had talked about nicer stuff than the past, leaving the subject behind. At least for now.
“Maybe we could both call in sick on Monday”, I suggested.
It was a joke, really, but honestly with a hint of truth in those words. I wished that we could stay longer. I didn't want to go home the next day. And then back to work the day after that. I hadn't taken time off for a long time; I hadn't seen the point in doing so, if I'm honest. Time off to do what? It's a whole other thing to go away with someone you love like that, spending time together. She smiled as she looked down at me, caressing my hair.
“Yeah, I know what you mean. I wouldn't mind staying here a while longer either. I'm having a really nice time, you know. It's the first time I actually have you all to myself like this”.
She bent down and kissed my forehead and I smiled.
“You said something about a surprise yesterday?”
I had thought about it ever since we came there. She hadn't mentioned it anymore, but I was so damn curious.
“Oh, yeah, that's right”, she said as she acted as if she had forgotten all about it.
I just smiled. Teasing me again…
I am quite a patient person, really. Most of the time anyway. It totally depends on what it is. This was not such a time. I was getting more and more inpatient as the evening went on.
As it would turn out, though, it was all worth the wait.
***
I was totally spent. I was lying on my back in bed, with my hands underneath my head, smiling to myself. Apparently Lisa was exhausted as well, because she was fast asleep.
I probably still had too much energy boosting chemical substances in my system to get my body to wind down enough.
I realize that it must sound as if I'm referring to drugs or something and I guess that's true in a sense. Lisa is my drug. Not that I've tried any other ones, but I suspect the feeling must be similar. Unbelievable happiness. Too much energy. Hardly any need to sleep or eat. Feeling as if you would do pretty much anything just to get that steady supply of what makes you feel that incredibly good or to even be able to function properly. Like an addiction. Or an unquenchable thirst. She is that to me. And the more I drink, the thirstier I become. Like a positive feedback if you speak in biological terms. With no means to stop it. No inhibitor.
She had bought a massage oil with a scent that I recognize, but can't put my finger on. Erotic could do. And sexy underwear. Really sexy. White; she knows how much I love that.
She had started the Jacuzzi and poured us some champagne. Real champagne, the expensive kind. Without revealing too much about that night, I can say that I was well taken care of.
She massaged my whole body. She has really competent hands. We sat in the Jacuzzi for a long time. It was great. I felt like a whole new person afterwards. More relaxed than ever. And not only physically.
She had put the underwear on before joining me in bed. Exquisite, that's how she looked.
She made me keep my hands to myself as she took care of me. Thoroughly.
“I bet you could keep that pace up, baby”, she had lured me as I hovered above her, just watching her. She tried to trap me by challenging me. She knew it always works. I was still breathing hard from what she had done to me. To my body.
“You think so, huh?”
I had known that she was teasing me. She had just nodded.
I spread her legs wider and brought her closer to me. She moaned as she felt the intimate contact. I watched her as I began moving against her, feeling her meeting me each time and when I increased my movements, the bed had creaked accordingly.
I smiled again as I was lying there, thinking about it. It had been good like that, but not enough if I was to live up to her statement.
“Turn around”, I ordered her.
I had needed to change positions. She looked at me as she did as I said, turning around slowly. She had looked so damn aroused. And that wasn't even close to how I felt. I moved closer to her as she bent down on her hands and knees, totally exposing herself to me. I caressed her hair away from her neck before kissing it tenderly and she took a deep breath.
“God, I want you”, I whispered in her ear and I could hear her moan.
I spread her slightly and entered her. Deeply.
I moved against her, enhancing my movements with my hips as I felt her pressing her butt into me more and more demandingly. It had been so damn hot.
My whole body shivered from the memory. I had moved faster and faster into her, holding her hip firmly with my free hand.
It was totally exhausting and knew I was panting like crazy, but so was she. She was so sexy, definitely not seeming to mind, but I'd still needed to assure myself that she wanted it. That way.
“Is this ok, Lisa?” I asked her as I bent forward, kissing her ear.
I was still moving against her and she turned her head, looking at me.
“Avery. Just fuck me. Please?”
She had smiled. And I had done as she wanted, not saying another word.
I put on a t-shirt and got out of bed, smiling from the memory. I had talked too much. And she had kindly, but firmly, more or less told me to shut the hell up. Of course she had wanted it. There was no need for me to doubt her. She has far too much integrity to ever do something she doesn't want to do.
I opened the door to the balcony and stepped outside, turning to watch Lisa. She was still asleep. I took a deep breath as I leaned my hands against the cold railing. The wind had started blowing and it was cloudy. It would probably rain the day after. The day when we would have to go home.
I knew that we wouldn't stay longer even if we both really wanted to. I had obligations at work and so did Lisa. We are both people who take our responsibilities seriously. At least I would get to see her there every day. Have lunch together. That's the upside of working at the same place. The downside on the other hand, is to have her that close and not be able to do anything else but look at her and talk to her. When I had gotten used to doing much more. Much, much more.
That was going to be hard. Really hard.
***
As I had expected, it rained the next day. It was actually pouring down as we drove back home. Even with the wipers on maximum speed, it was still hard to see much through the windshield. It would take longer to get home than we had planned, since we would have to drive slower due to the weather conditions. I really didn't mind. It was warm and cozy in the car and the company was great. I could do worse.
We had slept in and had just been lying in bed, cuddling for a long time before having breakfast. Just savoring the moment as long as it lasted. It would have been perfect, though, to just stay inside, in bed, the whole day. Just listening to the rain and the wind outside, snuggling. And do other things… I had actually regretted not having taken some time off by then, but it was too late.
We were on our way home not long after that; we had just cleaned the place up a bit first and turned everything off, leaving things the way they were when we arrived. We had decided to go back there soon, though, to spend some more time at the cabin. I was hoping we could find some time to go there when the snow had come. The place is certainly not so bad then either. At its best, it looks like a picture from a Christmas card.
I expected that mum probably would want to get everyone to come there for Christmas as well, like she does every year. But then we wouldn't be alone. It would be a whole other story to be there when the whole place was packed with people. Mum and dad sleeping on the other side of the bedroom wall, at the worst case scenario. Or kids showing up by, or in, the bed at Christmas morning, not able to sleep from days and more days of endless anticipation.
It wouldn't exactly give us much opportunity to do as we wanted.
Anyway, we had no other choice but to go home, no matter if we wanted to or not. The place had looked so different when we left, compared to when we arrived almost two days earlier. The thick clouds and the heavy fog, which didn't seem to want to go away even when morning had passed, made everything look like a dense, grey mass. The lake was just a grey surface as well; gone was the perfect colorful mirror we had seen and admired when we came. You could hardly even see the trees at the other side by then. It was as if everything had wanted to show itself from its best during the few hours we were there. As if it was just made for us to see. At least, that's how you could choose to interpret things.
If you were a romantic…
The onslaught of the rain was merciless as we slowly made our way from our temporary haven and only escalated as we drove on, on mile after mile of road, which was almost absent of cars, taking us closer and closer to home.
The radio was playing some old rock ballads, as it always seems to when you are driving, strangely enough. Not my favorite type of music, really, so I reached out to change channels.
“No, Avery, don't turn it off. I love this one”.
Lisa reached out and removed my hand, squeezing it tightly before turning the volume up a bit. She smiled as she looked at me.
“Were you even born when this song was popular?” I joked with her and she slapped my thigh lovingly.
“Oh, stop it, Avery. I'm not that much younger than you. Only three years”.
I smiled as well as I listened to the tones of Foreigner's ‘I want to know what love is', streaming out of the speakers. She kept her hand on my thigh and hummed as she listened to it, with her eyes closed.
I could see why she liked the song so much as I listened to the lyrics a little bit closer than I had before; them putting words to a lot of my own feelings, feelings I knew had an easier time showing physically than I would have by using words.
I realized could have written it myself. If I were a good writer.
My life has certainly contained its share of heartache and pain, it wasn't hard to relate to that. I could feel the recognition of the pain and suffering in my heart; the remnants of them still so close to the surface, despite my efforts to suppress them.
Now, though, it wasn't as much due to what had happened in the past, but more caused by the fear I had of losing what I had finally obtained. The love that I had always wanted to experience, but never had. Until now.
I watched the woman sitting beside me, still with her eyes closed. Lisa had definitely shown me what love is. The love that someone can have for you, definitely, but even more so the love that you can have for somebody else.
I squeezed her hand, trying to convey my feelings. ‘I guess that love has finally found me', the singer concluded. Our eyes met as I looked at Lisa, sensing she was watching me.
I had nowhere left to hide, either. Love had finally found me too.
To be continued in Chapter fourteen…
Chapter fourteen
***
I poured myself a cup of coffee as I sat down by one of the tables in the cafeteria after having talked some more with Theo's mother. She had been so relieved when I told her that everything seemed to fine with her son. Everything looked great and the way he had finished his ice cream in just a few minutes was clear evidence that he had gotten his appetite back. He was able to keep it down as well, which was a good thing.
I took a mouthful of the hot liquid. It tasted like shit as always, but I didn't mind that right then, since Lisa entered the room. She walked towards me with determined steps, looking back towards the door before bending down, kissing me.
“I miss you, baby”.
I smiled, liking the thought of her having missed me even though she had practically seen me all day.
She sat down on a chair next to me, taking a sip from my coffee.
“This is disgusting!” she said as she took another sip.
I guess she needed the caffeine as well, so there wasn't much choice, but to drink the damn thing. It would be a few hours before we could go home. I knew she was hungry.
“What do you want to eat when we get home, Avery? I'll cook”.
I took her hand in mine. I just wanted her. I didn't care what we ate.
“I could eat you”.
She just laughed as she caressed my cheek.
“So you're trying to get me on my back by talking dirty, huh?”
Her look was intense as she bent forward slightly, giving me another kiss.
“There is no need. I'm as easy as a person can get”.
Our time alone was cut short as more people entered the cafeteria, leaving me just sitting there, looking at her. If she was easy, then what was I? I thought to myself. Just one look from her would get me on my back. Or wherever she wanted me for that matter. I was feeling like a sex addict, since I met her. Just wanting to feel her, to make her feel good. Constantly. Everywhere.
“Avery?”
I was brought back to reality, realizing Lisa was talking to me. I hadn't heard a word of whatever she had been saying to me.
“What are you thinking about?”
She leaned closer to me, smiling. Her green eyes were shining as she watched me.
“Sex”, I stated, honestly.
Why should I lie? She knew anyway. I looked around me as it dawned on me that we weren't alone in the room any longer. I had hardly been whispering, either. What if the others had heard? That would be embarrassing if anything.
To my great relief, no one seemed to pay that much attention to us, just going about their own business, so I had been lucky, I realized. I really had to get my act together at work. Maybe my brain and body were so preoccupied with sex because it had been a while since we'd slept together. Two whole days, actually. We hadn't had sex since that last night in the cabin. We had both been so tired when we got home, we hadn't had the strength and that morning, before work, we hadn't had the time. So now my body was craving its drug. Desperately.
I looked over at the clock on the far, white wall at the other end of the room. We still had a few minutes left of our break. Maybe I should just make the best of it? Why try to fight it? Why try to win a battle you have no chance in hell of winning? I would get my act together. Some other day.
I stood up, taking Lisa's hand in mine, making her come with me. I just ignored the people turning around, watching us as we left. Screw them. They were always going to gossip, as usual, anyway. People always do. I couldn't care less at that point.
I led my girlfriend to the nearest on-call room and locked the door behind us before pressing her up against it, making her gasp.
“Avery, what are you d…?”
I put my fingers on her lips, silencing her. I just looked at her as I untied the strings of her pants, pulling them down her legs along with her underwear as I bent down. I saw her breathing become more labored and her pupils went dark and dilated from obvious arousal as she watched me. She helped me, lifting a foot so that I could take the damn things off sufficiently enough to be able to spread her legs. I could see her chest heaving as she leaned her head against the door, but she didn't say anything else.
She just closed her eyes and let out a long moan as I went down on her.
***
“Avery…”
I smiled as I stood up, sliding her pants back up her legs and then tying the strings. She was panting heavily and her body was shivering over and over again. She still held my head in her hands, tightly. I brought her mouth to mine and she answered my kiss passionately.
“We have to stop doing this, baby. Someone will find us out”, she panted and kissed me again as she grabbed my ass and pressed me against her.
I just nodded and smiled into the kiss. She wasn't going to be able to stop herself any more than I was. And she had no idea what else was going on at that place, I thought to myself as I let go of her wet lips. We weren't the only ones doing this.
“Yeah, but it's so hot. Exciting. Forbidden. Sexy”.
I kissed her in between every statement and she smiled, shaking her head at me. I knew she liked it too. She didn't try to deny it and I wouldn't believe her even if she had.
I reluctantly let go of her as I licked my lips teasingly at her. I could still feel the taste of her. I wanted more, but sadly there was no time.
We needed to go back to work. A quickie would have to do for the time being.
***
“You are so good with them, Avery”.
We were on our way home after work that same night. Those ten hours had passed by slowly as hell. It was late and already dark, just as it had been when we went to work in the morning. It was that time of year when, if you had a dayshift, you probably wouldn't see much daylight at all. And the weather didn't help, either. The heavy grey clouds and the moist fog still hung around, not giving the autumn sun so much as a chance to brighten things up a bit.
I have never had that much problem with darkness, I actually like it, but it got to most people, it was easy to see. Everyone at work was more tired than usual and not in such a good mood, either. It was easy to tell. I felt nothing of it, though. Nothing got to me anymore. I looked over towards the reason for it.
“The kids”, she clarified when she saw my questioning look.
I smiled towards her. I had seen her watching me the whole day and I had been wondering what she was thinking about.
“Oh, I thought you meant the women”, I teased her and she started laughing.
“Yeah, that too, I bet, baby”.
She took my hand in hers, just looking at me.
“What is it Lisa?”
She looked so serious when she kissed the palm of my hand. I watched her as we had to stop at the traffic lights. She made me slightly nervous if I'm honest.
“We would be good parents, you know”.
I didn't know what to say. What had brought this on? Of course we would. I knew that any kid would be lucky to have a mother like Lisa.
“I'm sorry”, she said when she looked at me again. She was smiling now.
“I just watched you today. I have been before, as well. All the kids adore you and seeing you with them… I don't know, I just couldn't help thinking about what we could have”.
“Have you been talking to my mum again, Lisa?”
She laughed at my joke and turned to kiss me quickly as the traffic lights turned green again.
“No, Avery, I haven't. Not on that subject, at least. I just know we would be good, that's all”.
“Yeah…”
I just smiled towards her, not knowing what else to say.
She caressed my thigh as I drove on, looking at me from time to time. She was smiling, I saw that every time we passed a light.
After a while she moved her caresses higher and higher up my leg. I could feel myself getting warm as I tried to concentrate on my driving, despite how she made me feel. It wasn't all that easy. It was only a few minutes' drive left, but at that point, it felt as if it
would take far too long before we would get there. She wanted something, I could tell.
“You know, I won't deny that I want your baby. A child who looks like you”.
She looked at me, intensely. I swallowed hard, forcing myself to turn my eyes back to the road. I wouldn't want us to get into an accident. She still massaged my thigh, getting closer and closer and I instinctively spread my legs slightly, making room for her hand.
“If I were able to get you pregnant, you would never be anything but during the next 20 years, Lisa, because of all the sex we're going to have”, I teased her, trying to get away from the subject slightly, I guess. I didn't know exactly what she meant. What she really meant.
I moaned as she placed her hand in between my legs, increasing the pressure. I would soon have to stop the car if she was going to continue what she was doing. I had been turned on like hell ever since I did her in the on-call room a few hours earlier.
“In that case, I wouldn't mind that”.
She unbuttoned my jeans and opened the zipper, watching me the whole time as she slid her hand in under the rim of the blue fabric. I couldn't tell if she was joking or serious at that point. I could hardly even think at all. I just wanted to close my eyes from the feeling of her hand, but I couldn't, so I forced myself to keep looking forward, at the road in front of me.
She moved her hand, slowly, up and down. I didn't know what to do with myself. I knew that I should stop her. Wait until we got home. But it felt so damn good… Her hand on me and the way she looked at me while she was doing what she was doing.
“Lisa, we can't… Oh, my God…”
She smiled at me teasingly as she moved a little bit closer. This was insane. I had never felt like this before. Wanting to have sex all the time and everywhere. And now she was feeling adventurous? Have sex in the car?
Fuck it… I couldn't wait. Not another second. I had to pull the car over or something.
I turned right when I came to a smaller road, leading off the main road. I knew there isn't much traffic there, at least not that late. And no lights on the side. I stopped by the side of the road, but left the headlights on, just in case.
Lisa smiled as she unbuckled her seat belt and crawled over to my side of the car and sat down on my lap. She still had her hand inside of my pants.
“Do you know how much I want you, baby?”
I just nodded as she increased the pressure of her caresses. I had never done it in a car before. I have always been more conventional than that, I guess. What if someone saw us?
But she felt so good. At least it was dark out, I tried to reason with myself. If only someone wouldn't drive by.
I closed my eyes. I was going to come soon, I could feel it.
I reached down under the seat so that I could move it back a little to make more room for her and then opened the zipper of her jeans as well. I struggled to pull them down her butt sufficiently, because of her position. And the damn steering wheel was in the way. She just laughed at the idiocy of the situation we put ourselves in and so did I.
It was stupid, really. We could have waited until we got home, where there is a large, comfy bed. There really wasn't much room in the damn car, but neither of us could stop ourselves at that point.
As I said before; when you start scratching…
She moaned as I entered her and lowered herself more onto me.
“Oh, Avery… This… oh, God… is…oh f… crazy”.
She leaned her forehead against mine and closed her eyes as she moved her hips alluringly against me.
I put my hand behind her head and brought her mouth closer. She was panting and her moans were getting louder and louder as I took her deeper.
She was right; it was crazy, the way we wanted each other like this. How would we ever be able to keep away from each other? I mean, we were in the car. On our way home. We had clothes on. Jackets even. And we were at it anyway. Again. But, my God it was good…
We moved against each other determinately, making the car move in the same rhythm. The squeaking of the black leather seats increased in response to our movements, accompanying the sensual wet sounds of sex, only driving me on even more. If someone would drive by, they would most certainly wonder what the hell was going on.
I smiled to myself as I pictured it in my mind. Actually, it wouldn't be that hard for anyone to figure out.
I kissed her hard as I came, forcing myself to not bite down on her lip as wave after wave shook my body. She was driving me insane with her caresses and I couldn't hold it back any longer. I moaned into her mouth as I felt her come too, her muscles trapping my fingers inside of her.
She panted heavily as she leaned her chest into mine, resting her forehead on the leather seat beside me. She just sat like that for a while, leaning her body against mine as she started to relax slightly. I massaged her back through the thick jacket she had on.
“Shit, Avery…”
She started laughing as she looked at me, caressing my cheek tenderly. She closed her eyes and moaned slightly as I slowly removed my fingers from inside of her and then buttoned her jeans again.
“We'd better get away from here, before someone comes, huh?”
I just nodded as I kissed her again. She was right, we really should. We had been lucky so far. No one had been driving by, at least not that I had noticed. I couldn't see a damn thing through the windows anyway, they were all misty.
I helped her getting back to her seat by lifting her butt slightly and turned the air conditioning on as she buckled herself up. I had to get the windows clear so that I would be able to see. I wanted us to go home. And quickly too.
To be continued in Chapter fifteen…
Chapter fifteen (conclusion)
“Oh, fuck…” I moaned as Lisa lowered her body down on top of mine, her motions making my body shiver, since I was still inside her.
I felt her warm breath against my throat and I could feel her starting to laugh.
“I'm sorry”, I added as I realized what I had said. The word had just slipped out.
She kissed my throat, sucking on it lightly.
“Don't be sorry, baby, I certainly don't mind”.
I just laughed as well, knowing was she was getting at.
“No, you don't, do you”.
She caressed my cheek tenderly as she looked at me.
“That was so good, baby”.
“Oh, yeah”, I smiled and raised my hips, ever so slightly, making her moan.
She smiled towards me and shook her head.
“Don't start to tease me, Avery, if you don't intend to follow through”.
I moved my hips again. A little bit more this time. She closed her eyes. I had every intention on following through.
“Avery…”
I could feel her moving against me slightly.
“My God, I can't resist you, baby”.
I rolled us over so that I could be on top of her. She took hold of my hands as I started moving against her once again, not so slowly this time. I knew that this time around would be quick.
I was still extremely sensitive from the intense release I'd just had and from the sounds and movements Lisa was making, I knew that she was as close as I was. This time wasn't as much about lovemaking as it was about something else. Honestly, I just wanted to make her come again. To make myself come again. Honestly, I just wanted to fuck her deep and hard. So, that's what I did.
“I can't resist you, either”, I moaned as she raised her hips up, meeting my thrusts.
“Oh, my God, Lisa”, I panted when she put her hands on my butt, guiding me even closer to her, as her fingers dug into my skin. The slight pain only drove me on even more.
“Do you know how much you turn me on?”
She smiled as she watched me. I loved the sight of her, she was so damn beautiful. I bent down and kissed her and her tongue entered my mouth demandingly as I took her even deeper. Even harder. My motions made her pant into my mouth as she moved her hips against me even more forcefully. I could feel sweat running down my back and I sped up even more; the sounds of our bodies meeting turned me on like never before.
When I came, my whole body convulsed and I bit my lip hard as wave after wave of emotion ran through me. Lisa joined me after just a few seconds, moaning my name loudly.
***
“You know you can never do that with another woman ever again, baby”, Lisa said a while later.
We had eaten a late dinner and I had taken a quick shower before joining my beautiful girlfriend beneath the sheets again. It was dark in the room and she held me close and caressed my hair as I rested my head on her chest. I felt so safe in her arms.
I watched the snowflakes through the open blinds as they fell, slowly making their way through the air. Their glittering white color was a sharp contrast to the black sky surrounding them. Everything was quiet, as it always seems to be when the snow is falling. Relaxing.
I smiled to myself.
“Do what?” I asked, even though I knew perfectly well what she meant.
”Touch anyone else the way you touch me”.
She kissed my forehead tenderly.
“I could never handle it, Avery”.
“I would never want to”.
I caressed her belly through the white t-shirt she had on.
“You've ruined me when it comes to other women”.
I could feel her laughing slightly.
“Good”, she said and I raised myself up, kissing her.
“Do you know how much I love you, Avery?”
I just nodded. I knew. There was no doubt in my mind. Just as I had no doubt that I would never want anyone else but her. Ever.
“I love you too, Lisa. More than anything”.
She held me closely and I felt so safe in her arms, as if everything was going to be ok. Forever.
I just lay there and watched the snow fall for a long time; the size and amount of the flakes were increasing by the minute. It would be all white the next day. I kept thinking about the fact that even if there were billions of flakes falling outside our window and I were to take one in my hand and look at it, there wouldn't be another one just like it. It would be unique. It would be perfect. Just like Lisa. I turned my head slightly and looked at her. She had fallen asleep. There simply was no one else like her. And she was mine.
As I watched her, I thought again about how I would go about asking her. To marry me, I mean. I had a few ideas and I know she's the romantic type, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't decide. I hadn't been able to, even though I had thought about it for weeks.
I just wanted it to be perfect. She deserved nothing less.
Lisa had been asleep for a long time when the slow, hypnotizing movements of the falling snow flakes had finally soothed me sufficiently to make me unable to keep my eyes open and allow me to go to sleep.
I still hadn't made up my mind.
***
Well, that was last night, actually. Now, I'm lying here in bed with my laptop on my lap, writing these last few words down before I have to go. My wonderful girlfriend; correction: fiancée , is calling for me to get my ass to the kitchen to have breakfast.
Yeah, that's right, we are now engaged. I'm engaged. Can you imagine that? Me, Avery Taylor, engaged to the most beautiful, the most perfect woman on this earth of ours. Amazing…
How the hell did that happen you probably think…
Yeah, well, I've learned that sometimes it's just for the best to not plan things too much. Things just have a way of going down the way they were supposed to anyway.
Today we both have the day off from work so there was no rush to get up, really.
So, after waking up in a… well, I guess, excited state after the previous night (that's honestly to put things lightly, but I don't want to use the other word…), I had a slight inclination to continue where we left off…
Lisa was not that hard to convince so that's what we did and during an especially intense moment, the words just came out. I asked her. I asked her to marry me.
So, that was it. That's how the best day of my life began. Hopefully, I am going to be blessed with many more. She is wearing the ring as we speak, so that should be a clue as to what her answer was….
Well, I'm hungry as hell for some reason, so I guess it's about time I get moving. As much as I may enjoy this, the company of my girlfr... sorry, my soon to be wife is even better.
But, if you found my words interesting, or at least good enough to read when you didn't have something better to do and if you want to hear more about this extraordinary, ordinary life of mine, of ours; then I might just take the time to write something down when the time comes. And who knows what life have brought by then, huh? All I know is that I'm ready for it, whatever it might be. Now that I have Lisa.
The End…?
Well, that's it, guys. Thank you for staying on with me this far, I hope you enjoyed it.
Any type of feedback is welcome, good or bad, so please, tell me what you think at:
l.kay131@gmail.com
Be safe…
//Linda