If anyone has any questions, comments, or quibbles about this story (or my previous efforts) feel free to contact me at anarchyinsk@hotmail.com I always like to hear from fellow Xena fans :)
Xena sat back after banking the fire and looked into the flames for a long moment, watching the sparks fly up and disappear into the night. She couldn’t help feeling a sense of loss as she thought about Darius and his kids. Saying goodbye to them had been harder than she’d anticipated and it had been gnawing away at her ever since. She’d finally realized it wasn’t Darius and the children themselves that she couldn’t let go of, it was what they represented ... the possibility that she might someday stop her quest for redemption and just live peacefully again, maybe even find a family of her own.
Xena sighed as she turned that over in her mind. She’d done so many terrible things and hurt so many people, she didn’t think there would ever be an end to her redemptive path. And even if there was, what were the odds she’d ever find a family of her own again? She’d reconciled with her mother, at least tentatively, but that rift might take years to fully heal. She’d lost Lyceus, who’d been not just her brother but her best friend. And the gods only knew where Toris was, or what he’d think of her now that she’d dedicated herself to doing good.
Maybe the reason Darius’s family held such appeal was because they accepted her without question; that was something she didn’t get very often. She smiled to herself, knowing their sudden affection for her had more to do with their loss than with her. They had an empty space in their hearts and were trying to fill it with a new wife and mother. The fact they thought she could be that was nice, but ultimately misguided. Once they found out who and what she really was, they’d change their minds pretty fast. And Darius was a pacifist ... not exactly a good fit for her. No, they deserved someone like them, simple people who wanted nothing more than to live a quiet life and cultivate the land in peace. Xena could appreciate the simple life, but her path was a longer and darker one. It occured to her she might’ve been doing the same thing they had ... using them as a substitute for the family she no longer had.
She turned her head as Gabrielle mumbled in her sleep and squirmed around. Well, at least she still had her tagalong to keep her company. Xena had expected Gabrielle to get tired of living rough and travelling all the time, but the girl had taken to the wandering life without a word of complaint. Xena wasn’t sure if her quiet acceptance of the hardships came from a fear of being sent home, or if she genuinely shared Xena’s own wandering spirit. She did seem to enjoy the novelty of visiting new places and seeing things she’d never seen before. Gabrielle was quick to notice the beauty in the simplest things, like the call of an unfamiliar bird, a butterfly in the morning sunlight, or the play of shadows over the rocks as twilight fell. And she certainly had a way of making even the simplest trail food taste good, something Xena had always struggled with.
Of course, she could be a little annoying at times. When Gabrielle had found out about Xena’s arrow wound, she’d insisted on seeing it and even though it was already healing quite well, she’d badgered the warrior into sitting down and letting Gabrielle do most of the camp chores, even bringing her food over from the fire. Xena finally had to get a bit gruff to get the girl to back off a little, but she couldn’t help being affected by Gabrielle’s concern. It was nice to have someone care about her, someone who wasn’t trying to change her like Darius had, but accepted her the way she was. Just the fact that Gabrielle had come looking for her was kind of touching and she’d done pretty well during the chariot chase, at least for an amateur. True, she needed to work on control, and her jumping could use some practice, but the girl had guts and loyalty ... two things nobody could teach.
Xena mulled over Gabrielle’s statement about how she didn’t miss her family as much with Xena around. Maybe that worked both ways. In Lyceus’s tomb, Gabrielle had told Xena she wasn’t alone and those simple words had gone straight to her heart. She had gotten tired of being alone all the time, of feeling cut off from the rest of the world. But with Gabrielle around, she no longer had to be alone with her dark thoughts constantly reminding her of who she was and what she’d done. Gabrielle’s presence (and her never-ending chatter) drove those dark thoughts away, giving her something else to think about. Just knowing Gabrielle was willing to put up with all the hardships for no other reason than to be with her and be her friend ... that was something she’d never really had before, and certainly never expected to find at this point in her life. She sometimes wondered if she should tell Gabrielle how much she appreciated having her around, but the very thought scared her. She didn’t like admitting dependence on anyone and whether she liked it or not, she was starting to depend on Gabrielle. But she could hardly admit that to herself, let alone to her eager young companion.
As if reading her thoughts, Gabrielle rolled over and opened her eyes, focusing on the leather-clad figure across the fire. “Xena, why are you still awake? Is your wound bothering you? Wait, I can—”
Before Gabrielle could get up and start fussing again, Xena held out a hand and smiled. “Gabrielle, I’m fine. I heard something that woke me up, but it was just ... an owl.”
Gabrielle looked at her with suspicion and Xena knew she’d never get any peace unless the girl believed she was okay. She lay back and closed her eyes, knowing Gabrielle was watching her. She stayed motionless for a time, until she heard her young friend sigh and nestle back into her blankets. After a few minutes, Xena could hear the regular rhythmic breathing that meant Gabrielle was asleep. She opened one eye to make sure and stretched a little before staring up at the stars.
Once again, Gabrielle’s capacity for caring astounded her. She still found it hard to believe how much the girl could worry about a bloody-minded warrior like her, someone who’d travelled all over the world and conquered half of it. She smiled to herself as a warm feeling stole over her, generated by the affection Gabrielle felt toward her. She didn’t make it easy sometimes, being unused to conversation and prone to depressive moods. But Gabrielle never let Xena’s recalcitrant behaviour get her down and always seemed to know just when Xena was feeling the worst, when she’d come up with a joke or a story to lighten the warrior’s sombre mood. And she really was a good storyteller, still finding her way but better than many professional bards Xena had known. Gabrielle had even started composing her own stories, though she was reluctant to perform them for anyone but Xena. The warrior thought maybe she should encourage Gabrielle’s budding talents; after all, the girl’s unwavering belief in her was the only thing that had kept her going in Amphipolis, so maybe it was time she returned the favour.
Xena chuckled to herself as she recalled Gabrielle’s story about Baucis and Philemon. All of a sudden, Xena didn’t feel so bad about leaving Darius’s family ... with Gabrielle around, she didn’t feel that painful loneliness anymore. Maybe Gabrielle had been right after all: even the strongest trees could use someone to lean on every now and then.
THE END