Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All the characters, places, and events portrayed in this story are products of the author's imagination, or are used fictitiously. If you choose to believe the individuals in this narrative remind you of someone, it will be of your own free will, there was no nudging on my part, cross my kidney.
Warning: In light of this being the beginning, there isn’t much to sweat about, really. But to give Justin Case proper due, this is intended for mature audience, and will include subjects inappropriate for minors at a later date.
P.S.: This is the first installment in the episodic tales about a person-at-arms and her faithful disciple. How many tales there are going to be, only my muse knows. However, I never did, and I never will, leave a story unfinished. Most tales are probably gonna be readable as standalone, but I’d suggest reading them in the correct order because of references to previous episodes, as well as possible cliffhangers. When the next episode will be available depends on the free time I’ll have on my hands and distractions surrounding me.
Another P.S.: Feel free to either praise or laugh at how far my English has come since my first fanfic.
BS: Praise Calliope for how far my bardic skills have come.
by
“Buzzwords and clichés – those are stock in trade.
There’s nothing wrong with them.”
- Michael Nesmith
“You really wanna know how it happened?”
A vigorous bobbing of the red head made Rhian sigh heavily.
“Are you absolutely certain you want me to tell you about it? Really, you’re taking a serious chance of being bored to death. For gods’ sake, how I ended up with this piece of skimpy junk people pass as armor, and which I get to wear for a very long time ‘cause it’s indestructible yet somehow can’t hold off rust, is such a cliché it’s embarrassing. Thank gods for small mercies, at least I’m able to wear plain clothes under it so it doesn’t chafe as much, and I don’t get that plenty of draft.”
Leaning forward on the table, Ellery braced her elbows against its surface, and rested her cheeks in her palms. She graced her companion with a winning smile. “Yes, Rhian, I really wanna hear all about it. Look, if I’m to develop a serious case of hero worship, I need to know how your career started, and how you ended up wearing Nir’s legendary armor.”
Rhian rolled her eyes and reached for her mead. “Right. Like I need another groupie.”
“I won’t be your groupie. You’re gonna groom me for the position of your sidekick.”
Rhian choked on her drink, and thumped her chest in an effort to ease the sudden coughing fit. “I’m gonna what?”
Smiling sweetly, Ellery repeated slowly, as if she was explaining the mysteries of the universe to a child. “You’re gonna. Groom me. For the position of your sidekick.”
“I heard you the first time!” Rhian hissed, and cringed when her voice came out sounding raw and at least an octave higher. She cleared her irritated throat several times before speaking again. “It was a rhetorical question. People tend to ask those when they hope that whatever they initially heard, they heard wrong.”
Frowning in confusion, Ellery scratched the side of her head, trying to make some sense of what she considered to be an illogical reaction to hearing a perfectly clear statement. After several long moments of contemplation, she finally gave up.
“I don’t get it. Why repeat yourself if you understood everything that has been said the first time? That only makes you look dumb.” She tilted her head and observed Rhian through narrowed eyes. “You aren’t stupid, are you? This wasn’t all just blind luck on your part, was it?”
Rhian cast her a scorching glare across the table.
“I’m not stupid!” she snapped. “And if you want to know all about my great rotten luck, go out and talk to Brickel.”
“Brickel? But isn’t he your horse?” Ellery wondered, then frowned when she recognized a wisecrack. “Right. The only thing I’ll get out of him is horse sh--”
“Exactly.” Rhian beamed at her. “And I don’t need, or want, a sidekick.”
Ellery scoffed at that. “Of course you do. Every hero needs a trusty sidekick.”
“That’s just it, Lily. I’m no hero, I’m just a sucker who fell for a pretty face, pretty words, and pretty prize while on an unrelated job.” With a grimace, Rhian pointed at her unflattering outfit. “As you can see, the pretty part was a lie. And I still don’t need a sidekick.”
“It’s Ellery.” she sniffed, briefly giving in to annoyance with Rhian for not remembering her name after almost a full day they had spent together. Still, not wanting to get into a serious fight so early in their newfangled friendship, she smiled and patted the clenching fist wound around the half-empty wooden mug, all the while ignoring the low growl her action coaxed forth.
“And don’t worry, I get it, I do. You’re one of those lone wolf types, unwilling to let others get too close to you, afraid they would cramp your style by talking when they should be quiet, or suddenly blocking your way, or making you trip and fall. I imagine you had someone like that, and it cost you a job or two, as well as almost getting you killed more than once. But, not to toot my own horn, I assure you I’m an excellent pathfinder. I could also help with some of your load if you have a, ahem, stamina problem. I understand, it happens.”
Putting on her best menacing glare, Rhian snarled in warning for her companion to shut up, but she was thoroughly ignored. She sputtered and blinked in dismay at the indifference she was facing. No one was immune to her intimidation. Not the one to quit so easily, she scowled and started to get up, intent to use her above average height and robust build to her advantage.
“Oh, please.” Ellery rolled her eyes and pulled on Rhian’s arm, signaling her to sit back down. “Don’t waste that look on me, it doesn’t do a thing. My mother’s been giving it to me until I was about six or seven years old, when she figured I’ve grown immune to it. No one was able to intimidate me since.”
With a whimper, Rhian slowly lowered herself back on the bench. “Why are you doing this to me, Lily? If you say I’m a hero, shouldn’t you be thanking me for returning all the virgins back to your village unharmed instead of torturing me? If this is your idea of thanks, I’ll write it off as a freebie.”
“It’s Ellery, gods damn it!” she huffed, slamming her palms flat on the tabletop. She allowed a small smile to tug the corner of her lips up when Rhian jumped in her seat at her outburst. “And I’m not torturing you. If anything, I’ll be grasping the short end here, what with me offering you my services.” She paused for a moment before adding, “For free.”
The last part snared Rhian’s attention. “For free, you say, eh?”
Stroking her chin in thought, she narrowed her eyes, then smirked when nefarious ideas filtered through her mind. Maybe having a sidekick wouldn’t be so bad.
“What kind of services are we talking about, exactly?”
“Uh…” Ellery faltered at the wicked look she was getting. She gulped and wiped beads of sweat she could feel forming on her forehead. Maybe this idea of being a sidekick was bad.
“C-cooking, maybe? I-I’ll have you know I’m a terrific cook! I also know how to make sweet rolls. They’re so tasty, you’ll be in danger of someone wanting to steal them.”
The smirk on Rhian’s face evolved into a full blown, evil grin. “Throw in doing all my laundry, mending all my clothes, polishing my junk armor, dusting my house and tending the garden while we’re home, and doing all the chores while we’re on the trail, and you’ve got yourself a deal.”
Ellery gasped, shocked by the unreasonable demand. “What?! That’s not services, that’s slavery!”
Still grinning, Rhian looked down where she buffed her nails against the sleeve of her roughspun, gray shirt she wore underneath her rusty cuirass. “Those are my terms. Take it or leave it, Lily.”
“It’s Ellery!”
“Whatever you say, Lily.”
“Ugh!” Ellery jumped up from her seat and stomped her foot in frustration. “You’re impossible!”
Silvery eyes connected with blue-green for a flitting moment, then Rhian returned to inspecting the state of the leather baldric housing her sword. She huffed and fiddled with the buckle until it was more to her liking.
“What’s it gonna be, Lily? I’m waiting, and I should tell you, I have another quest going, and I’m on a schedule here. I have one more batch of virgins to save, and if I dally too long, chaste will not be the word to associate them with.”
Releasing a rush of air from her lungs, Ellery slumped on the bench in defeat. “Fine, it’s a deal. Can I hear the story now, please? I haven’t chased after you all day long just to sit here and watch you chug all that mugs of mead, which I’m paying for.”
Rhian scoffed at her portrayal of a martyr. “Lily, you’re not giving a copper for my drinks, the magistrate is. Or it’s on the house ‘cause one of the virgins from the bunch was the barkeep’s daughter. Can’t remember. Though I don’t think the keepie’s aware his “little girl” moved from playing dress up with her girl friends to undress with both, her girl and boy friends, if you catch my meaning. Kids, they grow up so fast these day, I tell ya.”
Feeling the heat rise to her cheeks, Ellery glared at her. She definitely didn’t need to know a girl three years her junior was having sex on a regular basis. “Now, if you’re done with making fun of a maturing, inquisitive girl--”
“That’s not the euphemism I’d use.”
Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Ellery ignored the interjection. “...you can start talking about yourself. And I do pay for your drinks. Those’ll be paid with tax money, and I pay the village taxes.”
“Okay, okay.” Rhian conceded. “But first, another round, Lily. I’m gonna need a lot of liquid to keep my throat in working order.”
Ellery groaned, but signaled to the wench to bring two more mugs of mead. Once they were on the table, she stared pointedly at Rhian.
“Story, right. Okay, see, it all started when I was accused of being a horse thief--”
“Did you steal the horse?”
“Of course not!” Rhian huffed indignantly. “Brickel is all mine, I raised him from a foal. Anyway, this guy Edgar had a horse, and this other idiotic guy I call brother got it into his head he’d steal that horse, and when the old man would come yapping someone swiped his prized colt, he’d come forth with the horse like some hero, claiming he rescued him from thieves.”
“Why would he come up with such asinine idea?”
“A woman, why else? See, Alvah, otherwise known as my not right in the head older brother, was sweet on old Edgar’s youngest daughter, Sara, and he figured Edgar would approve of their affair if he only showed him he’s a capable man, well suited for his daughter.”
“I take it this Edgar guy doesn’t have much love for your brother, then?”
Rhian laughed at the mere thought. “Hell no! Edgar can’t stand my brother. Hell, he wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire. He wouldn’t piss on anyone in my family if we were on fire, and I can’t say I blame the guy. And I thoroughly agree with him about keeping those two apart.”
Ellery gaped at her in disbelief. She was a romantic soul and believed everyone deserved their happy ending.
“How can you say that? No doubt, unkind life shaped this Edgar into a hard, bitter man. Still, that’s no excuse to deny others their happiness. If those two truly love each other, it’s downright cruel to keep them apart, even if your families don’t get along and your brother is… n’t very bright.”
“Well, there would be absolutely nothing wrong with those two being madly in love with one another, if they weren’t damn related! See, Edgar was my mother’s third husband, before he caught her cheating on him with my father, who happens to be the middle son of his older brother. They divorced, and then Edgar went and married my youngest aunt on my mother’s side, who is also Sara’s mother.”
“Damn!” Ellery blinked, flabbergasted. “Talking about screwed family.”
Rhian snorted at the understatement. “It gets worse. My mother’s second husband, Alvah’s father, is Edgar’s eldest son.”
Ellery simply started at her blankly for several long moments.
“Is your family distilling blood in case you overthrow the king?” she finally blurted, then narrowed her eyes in speculation. “You father isn’t also your uncle, or nephew, or brother, is he? And you don’t have any children conceived with your grandson who is also your nephew, something like that, by any chance?”
Rhian sputtered. “No, he’s not, no, I don’t have!” she snapped, insulted by the insinuation. “I’m way too young to have a grandson, anyway. And lucky for me, even if I did have proclivity for incest, I lack the means to impregnate my sisters.”
“Good.”
Rhian raised an eyebrow at that. “Wee, thanks.” she deadpanned.
Shrugging one shoulder, Ellery mock smiled. “Well, by your own words, you have enough of your male counterparts to sow all the wild oats in your stead and screw the upcoming generations.”
Rhian crossed her arms over her chest, and sucked on her tooth. “You soon done judging me?”
“Mm, no. But we’ll get there someday. So, horse thief?”
With a sigh of resignation, Rhian reached for her mug and took a hearty swig. She belched, and grinned when Ellery grimaced at her crude behavior.
“Ah, much better. Oh, horse thief, right. As I’ve told before, I ended up accused of stealing Edgar’s colt. How, you may ask? It turned out, damn easy. See, when Alvah snatched the horse, he didn’t even think the thing wouldn’t go with him willingly. It took him hours to drag him to our barn, and when he finally did, I was awoken in the middle of the night by a hoof grinding my kidney stones into fine dust.”
Ellery kept quiet, but winced in sympathy. She herself once had a close encounter with a goat, and she could still remember the numbing pain when the demon in disguise rammed into her, and the embarrassment when the healer was called to examine her pelvis area to make sure nothing was broken. The full fortnight afterwards was the most humiliating time of her life. There wasn’t a person in the village who hadn’t heard about her confrontation with the animal, and snickered when she passed them by walking funny.
Her reminiscing was put on hold at the sound of a mug greeting the table, and the story continued.
“The colt was trying to break free, of course, running around and bucking. Since my room was the spitting distance away from the barn, when he kicked one time too many, he crashed into the wall and broke the boards with his hooves. As soon as I was confident my insides weren’t rearranged, I got up and stomped outside to kick my imbecilic brother’s ass, but when I got close enough, the colt bucked again. I instinctively reached for the rope around his neck to try and round him up, when I heard yelling behind me. As you would have guessed, yes, Edgar came to get his horse back.”
“And, let me guess. Your valiant brother hightailed before he was spotted, and you were left dangling from the rope, in a manner of speaking.”
Adopting a cynical look, Rhian raised an eyebrow. “Would you expect me to tell you any different?”
“With what you’ve told me of your family so far, can’t say I would, no.”
“There you go. In any event, I got accused in Alvah’s stead, and was thrown in jail by my eldest nephew, who is the commander of the guards in our village, and was to wait there for a magister to come from the nearby town. I spent the night in the cell, and first thing in the morning, I faced the man of the law.”
“And? What did he say? Did you tell him your side of the story? Did he believe you? Did you have any evidence in your favor to provide?”
Rhian raised up a hand to stall any more questions, and reached for her mead. She drained the mug in several gulps, belched, and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. Squirming in her seat, she moved a little to the left, and pulled the other mug within easy reach. Satisfied with her new position, she continued.
“Yes, I told him my side of the story, and yes, he believed me, because he knows I’m the one white sheep in the herd of his inane grandchildren, at least where my mother and youngest aunt and uncle are concerned. In fact, for a long time he was convinced I was fostered, ‘cause he couldn’t believe an intelligent being could come out of his dumbass daughter’s womb.
Nonetheless, he later said I was probably just the luckiest bastard in the bunch to get his brains, along with his brawn, which obviously skipped a generation. Though he still firmly believes his first witch wife cursed him with stupid offspring for leaving her in order to marry her younger sister, or in other words my grandmother, whom he knocked up in the meantime.”
Ellery rolled her eyes. She wasn’t even surprised anymore at the mention of more, decidedly idiosyncratic, relatives.
“So, what happened when you faced your grandfather?”
“He offered me a job.”
“What kind of a job?”
Rhian rolled her eyes and spread her arms, indicating it should be rather clear. “What do you think? The elders of your village sent word, asking for help to bring back the girls those marauders had kidnapped. Who brought them back and apprehended the bad guys?”
“I apologize, oh great hero, for missing the obvious.” Ellery bit back sarcastically. “I wasn’t aware you saving these girls was a paying job. I assumed you were a simple traveler doing good deeds wherever you might happen along.”
“Sorry to burst your bubble, I’m not that altruistic.”
“Evidently.”
“Hey, I never claimed to be a hero, Lily. For some reason, you clearly felt the need to pin that title on me.” Rhian argued while standing up. She felt a little lightheaded, the amount of brew in her belly noticeably working its inevitable magic, and she gripped the edge of the table to regain her equilibrium. Nevertheless, she reached for her mug with her free hand and drank the remaining of her mead, then returned the empty vessel on the table with a soft thud.
“Word of advice, Ellery. Don’t bother putting other people on high pedestals, you’ll only get heartbroken, and not if but when they fall from grace. Trust me, I know well what I’m talking about.”
Ellery watched her without a word, transfixed, until Rhian pushed away from the table. She frowned and grabbed her arm when she walked by.
“Whoa, Rhian, where are you going? You still haven’t told me about how you got Nir’s armor.”
Rhian glanced down at the hands holding her arm hostage, then into pretty, big eyes filled with expectation. She groaned, realizing it was too late; the hero worship had already set in. Muttering under her breath, she dragged her feet back to her side of the table, and plopped down.
“Another round, Lily.” she requested with a wave of her hand.
“Ellery.”
“Whatever you say, Lily.”
Ellery huffed. “How long are we gonna play this game, Rhian? I know you’re not deaf, and have remembered my name by now. In fact, I heard you using it mere moments ago.”
“It pisses you off when I call you Lily?”
“Yes!”
“Good to know. Now, another round, Lily.”
Ellery released a scream of frustration, making other patrons cringe and glare at her.
“You’re gonna drive me insane!”
Wiggling her eyebrows, Rhian grinned toothily. “When you reach full insanity, let me know. I’ll hook you up with one of my brothers, and they can knock you up for me, and then we’ll be family. You’ll be mommy, I’ll play aunt daddy, and when the kid grows up, it can help screw the next generation with any number of its cousins.”
Ellery blinked at her. “How could have your grandfather ever think you might’ve been adopted?”
“Must be my good looks. Most of my siblings have crossed eyes. As you can see, mine are creepy colored, but otherwise fine.”
Ellery leaned closer over the table and looked into the bright silvery-blue eyes, and had to laugh when they crossed suddenly. “You’re really not all there.”
Giving a little smile, Rhian shrugged her shoulders. “I’ve been told worse.”
“And you can tell me all about it, after you finish telling me how you got Nir’s armor.”
“You’re still not giving up?”
Ellery gave her a brilliant smile. “Nope. And I’m not backing out of our deal, either. I’m still gonna be your sidekick.”
Rhian rolled her eyes. “Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when my dirty socks turn your stomach.”
She paused for a moment to take a gulp of mead.
“And now on to the story of how I got stuck with Nir’s junk... I think it’s been about a year or so ago when I got this quest to fetch some old man’s fishing rod he had lost in a cave he’d been fishing in. According to him, there was this fish in there, which he’d been trying to catch from the time he was a young, strapping lad, and the last time he went fishing, the monster brazenly yanked his rod right out of his hands.”
“A fishing rod?” Ellery couldn’t help but laugh at the silliness of the assignment. “I’m sorry, that’s just hilarious. I just can’t imagine you doing something as trivial as fetching someone’s… rod.”
Rhian shot her a dirty look. “Like I said, it was a paying job. It was stupid, it was not worth my time, it was humiliating, but it paid very well, so my grandfather accepted the contract. Clearly, the guy harbored strong fondness for his rod.”
“Okay, okay, let’s leave the guy’s rod alone, and you get on with the story, ‘cause this is getting beyond disturbing.”
“Oh, look. We finally agree on something.”
Ellery gave her a tired look. “Who would’ve thought, eh?”
With a roll of her eyes, Rhian scoffed in response, and reached for her mug. She took a big gulp, and prepared herself to tell the rest of one of her most depreciative experiences.
“Now, you probably wonder what some old guy’s… equipment has anything to do with Nir. Well, it turned out that cave truly was the dwelling of a monster, only it wasn’t a fish.”
“Then what was it?”
Rhian growled and looked pointedly at Ellery. “Really?! You’re gonna keep interrupting me all the time?! I was coming to that part, you… Lily! Do you want to hear the bloody story or not?”
Ellery raised up a placating hand. “Okay, okay. Wee, someone’s touchy.”
She rolled her eyes when a growl answered her commentary. “Fine, I’ll try and do my best not to interrupt you any further. My apologies, oh great minstrel, I didn’t mean to ruffle your feathers.”
“Keep that up, and one of these days I’m gonna plug that mouth of yours with something that will shut you up but good.”
Wisely, Ellery refrained from any snappy retort. Rhian raised up a finger in warning and directed several glares across the table, and continued with her storytelling when Ellery made no attempt to try and speak.
“In any event, it turned out the monster was a lamia, one who was also responsible for the continuous disappearance of chickens from a nearby farm throughout several years, and which Nir was contracted to kill. Anyway, she’s the proof you can dye your hair black to cover the grays and undergo all the magical treatments you want to iron out those wrinkles on your face, but you’re still gonna be too old for some crap. I hope she learned her lesson well.”
Ellery took offense at the disrespect shown toward the well known hero. “Now, that’s just rude, to say something so horrible about the hero who fought alongside Markas against the eidolons.”
“I’m not being disrespectful, Lily. In fact, I was in your shoes until a certain point. All I’m saying is, no matter how much you might hate it and just want to keep doing all the backflips and somersaults, the years are gonna creep up on you, and you won’t be able to execute ‘em anymore as you did twenty years ago. If I live to see my sixtieth birthday, I sure as hell won’t go around to try and fight lamias, I’m gonna tend my garden and do battle with potato beetles.”
“Ooh, boy!” Ellery mock shuddered. “Now I really feel sorry for those little buggers. They won’t stand a chance against a mighty warrior like yourself. Hell, in a year or two from now, no farmer will have to fear for their potato crops ever again.”
Sucking on her tooth, Rhian glared at Ellery. “I may leave one alive to feast on a single potato I’ll keep around specifically for you until it’s nicely ripe and rotten, and then ram it in your mouth, bug and all. That should teach you to watch your tongue at least until you’ve grown enough to figure out it has multiple uses. Mm, maybe even throw in some hide tanning for a good measure.”
Ellery bristled in outrage. “I’m not a child, you insensitive brute, I’m nineteen years old!”
She was tired of always needing to convince people she was more than old enough to join the king’s army, if she so desired. It wasn’t her fault she still had her baby fat, which made her look years younger than she truly was.
“And you wouldn’t dare. You might hurt yourself by doing either, what with you chasing your sixtieth birthday.”
“I’m nowhere near to being an elder, you spoiled brat!” Rhian shot back. “If you really must know, I just recently turned twenty three, so there!”
Breaths heavy, they fell silent, waiting to see if the other would start another tirade. When several minutes passed in blissful silence, they slowly relaxed.
“Can we stop arguing now, please?” Ellery asked at length. “I-I don’t think I like it when we do that. I-I really just want to hear you tell your story, Rhian. Y’know, you may not consider yourself a hero, but the word of your prowess reached even these parts. I…” She sighed. “I just wanted to get to know the champion who acquired Nir’s armor.”
Closing her eyes, Rhian sighed. She had to agree she didn’t like arguing, either. “Yeah, let’s call it a truce, I’m in no mood for a fight.”
Ellery smiled in relief, her spirits soaring high again. “Great! Will you, uh, finish your story?”
“Yeah.” Rhian nodded slowly. “Yeah, I will. I did promise you’ll get to hear all the gory details, and I always keep my promises.”
Unable to keep her enthusiasm in check, Ellery jumped in her seat, and leaned across the table to place a quick kiss on Rhian’s cheek. “Thank you, Rhian.”
Self-conscious, Rhian grunted in answer and rubbed her blushing cheek. “Yeah, uh--” She quickly cleared her throat when her voice cracked. “Ahem, you’re welcome.
Ellery coughed to cover the snort which escaped her throat at Rhian’s exhibited shyness. It was endearing to see a renown fighter such as her get embarrassed by such a simple gesture.
“Story?”
“Uh, story, right!” Rhian quickly jumped in, grateful for the diversion. “Yeah, ahem, as I said, Nir was contracted to kill the beast. Unfortunately for her, this lamia was in her matron stage, which means she was in her prime. And to make matters worse, she was in symbiosis with a water spider who also decided to take his residence there. As you might imagine, the odds were certainly stacked in their favor.”
“But you did save her, right?”
“Yep. After days of searching, I finally found the lamia’s nest deeper inside the cave. I was rifling through her junk looking for the damn rod, when I heard commotion further inside the cave, and went to investigate. I quite literally bumped into Nir hanging upside down rolled into spider web like a lunch served for the hairy bastard. She begged me to cut her down, and even promised to give me her armor, which supposedly holds some magical power, if I agree to help her kill the monsters and say she did it on her own.”
“So, you only helped her because she promised to give you her magical armor?”
“No, I’d help her, regardless. I’m not a heartless bastard, for gods’ sake, to leave someone in peril if they don’t pay me. Anyway, I was about to cut her loose, when the creepy twelve-eyed freak sneaked upon me and decided I’d make a nice dinner.”
“But you killed it?”
“Yep. It was a hairy fight, doubly so, but I sliced it and diced it in the end, along with the ugly, chicken-stealing bitch.”
“And what about Nir?”
Rhian coughed and pulled on her nose, signifying her discomfort. “Well, I, uh, I did cut her loose, and, uh, she was extremely grateful and, uh, thanked me, uh, very… enthusiastically.”
Ellery blinked, puzzled by the abrupt change in Rhian’s behavior. “Why are you blushing? And where did this sudden stuttering come from?”
Rubbing the back of her neck, Rhian lowered her head and blushed some more. She quickly reached for her mug to take a gulp, and muttered something inaudible. It was then that Ellery realized just how exactly Nir expressed her thankfulness.
“Oh!” she squawked, feeling the blush creeping up her own face. “So, she, uh… with you.”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.” Ellery blinked, then scratched her cheek in thought. “But isn’t she a bit too old for you?”
“Hey, I never expected her to… y’know.” Rhian grumbled in defense. “She kissed me in a decidedly non-grandmotherly way, and the next thing I know, I’m having… y’know, with… y’know. Y’know?”
Shaking her head, Ellery covered her eyes. “Okay, okay, spare me the details, I get the picture.”
“Well, good luck with that. It took me awhile to erase that picture from my memory. As I said, pretty was a lie.”
Ellery grimaced, trying to push the image of a naked, wrinkled old woman out of her mind with great effort. “I hope you realize me knowing this fact about you is gonna scar me for life. I may never even wonder about sex ever again.”
“You did want to know all there is to know about how I got Nir’s armor. Well, now you know. Ain’t my fault you’re-- Wait a moment!” Rhian called when she absorbed what Ellery just said. “If you’re a virgin, then how come you weren’t among the bunch I rescued?”
“Can you be any louder?” Ellery hissed, looking left and right with hope nobody overheard their highly delicate conversation. “I don’t need you to announce to the entire village that I’m still… untouched.”
“Fine, how about now?” Rhian teased in a whisper. She placed one arm atop the other on the table, and rested her chin on her forearm. “Is this better?”
Ellery crossed her arms and sniffed in displeasure. “I’d like to tell you what you should go and do right now, but you already did something nastier, so there’s no point. And to answer your question, as you can see, I don’t have a tattoo on my forehead marking me as… inexperienced in a certain area. Besides, I wasn’t in the village at the time the marauders attacked.”
“Where were you, then?”
“I was just returning home from visiting my grandparents in the next village. I believe I was about half a day’s ride away from Thelea, and was coming from the opposite direction of the marauders.”
“Were you traveling alone?” Rhian automatically switched into full interrogation mode she adopted from her grandfather, absently looking around for a quill and parchment to write everything down.
“No, Pip was with me for the duration.”
“Pip? Who is he, your boyfriend, brother, son-in-law?”
“No, she’s my mare. I can show you where she’s at if you wish to speak with her.”
“Okay, talk to your m-- mare?” Rhian’s head snapped in Ellery’s direction when she processed all the words. She narrowed her eyes when she was met with a cheeky grin. “Funny, Lily, funny.”
“My thoughts exactly.”
“Great, now we’re even. Good for you. Well, then, seems we’re done here, so if you’ll excuse me, I have virgins, minus you, waiting for me to save ‘em.” Rhian cheered, downed the rest of her drink, and attempted to stand up. She quickly grabbed the edge of the table with both hands to keep herself upright when her world tilted. “Whoa!”
“All that mead I’m not paying for finally caught up with you, eh?” Ellery teased, and smiled widely when Rhian treated her with a glare which would make any other person run for cover. “Doesn’t work on me, remember?”
For a final goodbye, Rhian growled at her, the hearty laugh ringing in her ears the only reply she got for her effort. Using more force than was necessary, she pushed away from the table, pivoted, and found herself face down on the wooden flooring when her equilibrium misaligned.
Ellery doubled over in laughter, which gradually lessened as she watched Rhian’s unmoving form.
“Rhian?” she called, a little worried she might’ve hurt her head when she took the nose dive. “Rhian, are you okay?”
She heard a moan coming from the body sprawled about five feet away, and rolled her eyes when Rhian finally came to, then attempted and continuously failed to get up.
“Oh, for gods’ sake.” she huffed and went to help her get back to her feet. She grunted when she ended up supporting almost all of Rhian’s considerable weight. “Damn, what do you eat for breakfast, rocks?”
Once upright, Rhian looked down at Ellery with glassy eyes and offered her a toothy grin. “Nope, topa-- to-- po-ta-toes with a side of vigrins. Speaking of, I really think I should think of get gone. Going. Go?”
“You should what?” Ellery asked, trying to translate Rhian’s garbled words. “Oh, going. Going where?”
“Why, to rescue ‘em, Lily. I told ya I have more virgils to save.”
Ellery rolled her eyes. “Virgils, right. Rhian, in case you’ve missed it, the only thing that’s holding you upright at this very moment is me. How in the gods’ name do you expect to save another living being in this condition is beyond me. Most likely, this adventure of yours will end up with you killing yourself by falling off of Brickel.”
Stumbling alongside Ellery, Rhian looked down at their feet to see for herself if she was telling the truth about who was supporting whom, and grinned when she noticed how much smaller her companion’s boots were. For some reason, it made her laugh out loud and forget all about the reason why she even looked down.
Ellery groaned when she careened and was forced to support even more weight, caused by Rhian’s built up staggering when she laughed.
“Gods damn it, Rhian! Stop that, or we’ll both gonna fall over each other.” she huffed while trying to pull the door of the inn open without losing her grip on her charge. She smiled gratefully at the villager who chose that exact moment to enter, thus helping her unwittingly. She nodded in thanks when he held the door open for her to guide Rhian outside.
“C’mon, you big, drunken oaf. Just hold on a little more, and then you can collapse onto a nice, comfy bed.”
“Huh?” Rhian looked around in confusion before focusing on her companion. “Where’re you taking me, Lily? I gotta go, did I tell you, I told you I have virgins waiting for me.”
Ellery sighed in exasperation. “Let’s hope they can stay virgins until tomorrow, you can have them then. Tonight, you’re gonna try and sleep off the consequences of your night of carousal.”
“Oh. Okay, if you say so. But you gonna help me get ‘em, right, Lily? You gonna help me get me my vigrils.” Rhian smiled warmly before crushing Ellery to her body and giving her a kiss atop her crown. Laughing, she mussed her hair. “You’re my little sidekick, after all.”
Ellery grunted, in vain trying to break free. Seeing her struggle was futile, she gave up with a deep sigh and instead relaxed against the large body that was smothering her. “If anyone asks what was I thinking when I said I wanted to be your sidekick, I’ll plead insanity.”
“What?!” Abruptly, Rhian stepped away, causing Ellery to stumble and almost fall after losing her support. She looked down at her with a serious expression. “You made it to crazy? Already? But, Lily, it’s too soon! I-I don’t think I’m ready yet to raise the next generation of twits with you.”
Ellery took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, glad her parents’ house was only two houses further down the street. “The next generation will have to wait, I’m still not fully insane.”
“Oh. Whew. That’s a relief. I’ll have you know I’m still way too young to have a grandson.”
“Uh huh.”
“Or a granddaughter. We could get a granddaughter, instead, y’know?”
“Uh huh.” Ellery repeated, relief washing over her when they reached her parents’ house. She quickly ushered her charge inside, and steered them both toward her own bedroom as quietly as she could. “C’mon, off to bed with you.”
“Okay.” Rhian complied with a smile. There was no doubt the mead had really kicked in, dulling her senses, but she somehow knew Ellery would take care of her, she had that nurturing vibe about her. Besides, she was her sidekick.
Wobbling slightly on her feet, she patiently obeyed whatever Ellery requested of her to get her undressed and ready for bed. After she was safely tucked under the covers, she grinned rakishly and wiggled her eyebrows. “You gonna join me, Lily? I’ll bet you’re not too old for me. And I can help you with your flower.”
Ellery blushed, and rolled her eyes. “Note to self: do not let Rhian’s grandfather ever see her in such a state of inebriation, he might change his opinion about her possibly inheriting his smarts.”
She looked toward the bed when her remark was met with loud snoring. She shook her head and smiled. “Sweet dreams, hero. Don’t let the potato beetles bite you.”
End of tale one