I Found My Heart in San Francisco
Book 12: Lifeline
by S X Meagher
Part 1
Damn! How much did I have to drink last night?
Head pounding, muscles screaming in outrage, eyes filled with grit, and a
tongue swollen to twice its normal size led the confused woman to the obvious
conclusion. I obviously got massively shit-faced last night. Trying to
roll out of bed was a huge mistake, she immediately learned, falling back to lie
flat on the mattress while trying to keep her stomach from rebelling.
Time to assess the damage, she thought, her brain still muddled. Well,
one thing's for sure. I've never been so dehydrated. She wasn't sure what
day of the week it was, or what bed they were in, so she forced an eye open, nearly
screaming when the sun's incredible brightness flooded her retina. Very bad
idea
very, very bad idea. Damn! Was I drinking grain alcohol? I've never
had a headache this bad. I feel like I was run over by a
Suddenly, her heart started to pound in her chest and snippets of memories began
to assault her with astounding force and rapidity. Blindly, she reached out and
felt for her lover, nearly crying out in relief when she touched her warm body.
Thank God!
Like a marsupial crawling blindly into its mother's pouch, she slid across
the bed and sighed heavily when Jamie automatically wrapped her arms around her.
Judging from the steady, slow rhythm of her breathing, it was clear that the smaller
woman wasn't going to wake, and Ryan nestled her head against her neck, breathing
in her usual morning scent. That simple act calmed her enough for her to allow
some of the awful memories of the night before to surface. As the images flooded
her brain, her heart felt like it would explode in her chest, and her headache
somehow managed to worsen as the gut-churning fear coursed through her body.
You have to stop this! You promised Jamie you'd focus on being grateful
to be alive! She lay still for a moment, then forced herself to scoot to the
edge of the bed and sit up feeling each and every overstressed muscle complain
vigorously. Damn! Maybe I did tear a muscle
or fifty. Shaking her
head, then cursing herself for having voluntarily increased the pain by doing
so, she got up and stumbled into the bathroom. A fifteen-minute shower, with the
water as hot as she could stand, helped her stiffness significantly and she began
to believe that she could get through the day. Be grateful you're alive
be grateful Jamie's alive
be grateful Caitlin's alive
She repeated
the mantra while she got dressed; then, just as she started for the stairs, she
stopped abruptly and crossed back over to the bed.
Gazing at her sleeping partner made the words of gratitude resonate within her,
and she felt her headache ease just a bit. Thank you, God, she whispered,
then kissed the tips of her fingers and gently brushed her partner's cheek. Thank
you.
* * * * * * * * * * *
It was after nine when she shuffled into the dining room to find Martin, Maeve,
Brendan, Conor, Kevin, and a very wide-awake looking Mia enjoying a leisurely
breakfast together. Well, well, well, she said with a reasonably lifelike
smile, what do we have here?
There's my precious one, Martin said, rising to greet her. He wrapped
her in a hug that threatened to last the better part of the day, finally pulling
away only to draw her close again and place a flurry of kisses on her still-wet
hair. Where's Jamie, love?
I let her stay in bed. Every time I woke up, those big, green eyes were
staring at me. I bet she didn't get two hours of sleep.
I imagine Caitlin's the only one who had a good night's rest, he said.
Sometimes it pays to be largely unaware of the ways of the world.
I'm all for that, Ryan sighed. She slowly made her way around the
table, giving a kiss on the head to all. Then she sat down, trying not to wince
when she did so, but every pair of eyes was intently focused on her and she was
unable to hide her discomfort. Anybody know where I put those muscle relaxants?
she asked, deciding she was wasting her energies in trying to put up a front.
She dropped her head into her hands and muttered, Thank God Coach Hayes
gave us two days off. I don't think I could run 25 laps for missing practice today.
How bad is it? Maeve asked, reaching out to brush her fingers across
Ryan's cheek.
She shrugged her shoulders, flinching as she did so. I'll be okay,
she said. I'm just stiff and sore. Nothing permanent.
Headache? Maeve persisted.
Mmm
more than that, she said, smiling thinly. This one
needs its own title. What's bigger than an ache?
Mia got up from her chair and stood behind Ryan. Close your eyes,
she said, then began to work at the rigid muscles in her neck. She looked up at
Martin while she worked, and asked, Do you have an ice bag?
Of course. He got up and poked around looking for his daughter's medication
and returned a few moments later with the bottle of pills and the ice.
In a matter of minutes, Ryan's head had dropped and she began to moan with pleasure.
You're good at this. It's really helping.
Take your pill, Mia said, pausing in her ministrations while Ryan
did so.
As soon as she placed her glass back on the table, Mia started in again, working
gently until Ryan said, It's better now, thanks. Mia stopped her massage
and took the ice bag, using it to give Ryan's head and neck a rather vigorous
rub. That feels so much better, Ryan said, her voice a little brighter.
The curly-haired woman leaned over and kissed the top of her head and Ryan slowly
opened her eyes, only to see her brothers and her cousin all gazing at Mia like
a trio of does.
Now I see why you like living in Berkeley, Martin said. You
have two women to tend to you.
It takes at least two, Martin, Mia said seriously. She's very
high maintenance. Jordan used to take a shift too, and since she's gone Jamie
and I have to work doubly hard.
Ordinarily, Ryan would have risen to the bait and lobbed a comment back, but she
didn't have the energy this morning, so she just smiled placidly. I'm so
out of it, I barely noticed what time it is, she said. What got you
up so early on Christmas Eve morning, Mia?
It must be the aura of the house, she said with a laugh. I was
wide awake at 8:30. Of course, it might have been that your dog was hogging the
entire bed. I only got about two inches of mattress to sleep on.
Ryan gave her a sheepish look and said, We should have left our door open.
Sorry about that.
I didn't mind, she said. He's really very sweet. So what's on
the agenda for today? I'm happy to help out in any way I can.
Hmm
we need a lot, Ryan began thoughtfully, but the ringing
phone interrupted her. Still in her press secretary mode, Mia hopped up and spoke
just a few words into the receiver before she got an absolutely stunned look on
her face. She looked like she might drop the phone, so Ryan walked over and placed
a hand on her shoulder.
Mia extended the phone like it was a snake, and gasped out, It's the President!
Ryan scowled at the phone, and lifted it from Mia's weak grasp. Yes?
Ms. O'Flaherty?'
Yes.
This is Joe Lockhart, President Clinton's press secretary.
Go on, she said, suspicious of the authenticity of the call.
President Clinton wants to say a few words to you and Ms. Evans, congratulating
you on your heroic deeds of last night.
Okay
she drawled. Put him on.
All right. It'll take a minute, we need to make sure all of the hook-ups
are in place
Hook-ups?
Yes, CNN wants to run the audio
No thanks, she said quickly. If he wants to talk to us, that's
fine; but I have no intention of your using this call for political purposes.
There was a rather stunned silence before he managed to get out, I'm sorry,
Ms. O'Flaherty. I just assumed that Senator Evans would want you to
Are you calling Senator Evans? she asked. Because if you are,
you've got the wrong number
No! The President sincerely wants to congratulate you both, Ms. O'Flaherty.
I know you and Ms. Evans are registered Democrats, and
Don't make assumptions about me, Mr. Lockhart. I'd be happy to talk to the
President, but I will not allow our conversation to be broadcast. Period.
But surely it couldn't hurt
Look, Mr. Lockhart, I don't mean to be a pain in the ass, but you're pushing
my buttons. I was in high school when Mr. Clinton ran for office. I worked my
tail off canvassing and volunteering in his San Francisco office. The gay community
up here supported him unequivocally, mainly because of his promise to support
gay rights, and repeal the ban on gays in military service. And after all of our
efforts in providing seed money to get his campaign moving, his first major act
is to come up with that bullshit 'don't ask, don't tell' crap. Are you aware that
there are more cases of dishonorable discharge for consensual gay acts now than
there were during the Bush Administration?
Ahh
let me get back to you, Ms. O'Flaherty. Maybe a nice letter of
commendation would be more to your liking.
That's fine; but I'm warning you, don't sent it to CNN first, or I'll give
them my opinion of a man who uses his power to have sex with an employee on government
property during a working day!
Congratulations again, Ms. O'Flaherty. Nice talking to you.
I just bet it was, she smirked as she placed the phone down and stared
at the six sets of eyes that were staring back at her. He pisses me off!
she said as she sat down to eat.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The rest of the family was not nearly so cavalier about the President's call,
and it took quite a while for the buzz of excitement to die down. Well,
that was one way to get the heart racing, Martin said. Not that we've
been in need of that type of thing recently. We've got some practical matters
to take care of, now. Which one of you will go pick up Rory at the airport?
No can do, Conor replied. The three of us, he said, pointing
to Kevin and Brendan, are going to Sacred Heart to install those lights.
I guess that leaves me, Ryan said, realizing as the words came out
of her mouth that she had planned on tricking Mia into going to the airport to
pick up Jordan.
Nonsense, Martin said. You're not in any shape to even think
about it.
Let me go, Mia said.
Sure you don't mind? Ryan asked.
Not a bit. I'm really happy to help out.
Superb, Ryan said, the plans falling into place neatly, although inadvertently.
Hey, you can forge Jamie's signature, can't you?
Sure can, Mia said, giving her a sly smile. I haven't gotten
yours down yet, but we can both do each other's. Why?
Don't bother learning mine, Ryan said. I'm proprietary over
it.
Mia wrinkled up her nose and Ryan continued, Jamie's so tied to her phone
that she's gonna stress without it. Would you be willing to go pick us up a couple
of replacements? You know our numbers, and I'd really like to be able to keep
them, so make sure you go to our current provider. I'll write down all the details
for you.
Okay, but why do I need to forge Jamie's signature?
Because I'm going to give you her charge card to pay for them. Is that cool?
Sure. No problem. I'll run by the house and get some clothes for tonight,
get the phones and then go pick up your brother. Let me just sneak downstairs
and swipe some clean clothes from Jamie, and I'll be off.
She got up and started to leave, but Ryan caught her by the sleeve, tugging her
over to wrap her in a hug. Thanks. I'm just not up to driving today.
Mia kissed her head and leaned over to whisper, I really appreciate that
you're letting me help out, Ryan. It makes me feel like part of the family.
You are, she said, giving her a warm smile and another hug.
As soon as Mia was out of earshot, Ryan turned to her brothers and said, Thanks
for the set-up, guys. Now Mia will really be surprised when she gets to the airport
and finds out that she's picking up Jordan. Problem is, we still have to go get
Rory. Any takers?
* * * * * * * * * * *
When Mia entered the Berkeley house, she saw that messages filled the answering
machine to capacity so that it had stopped accepting new ones. She called the
O'Flaherty house and asked Ryan if she'd like to hear them all. Surprisingly,
Ryan declined. I'll call back and change the greeting. I'm gonna turn it
off if you don't mind. I'll ask people we know to call all of us on our cells.
That's fine, Mia said.
Ryan dialed the number, cleared her throat, and changed the greeting. Hi,
this is Ryan. Thanks for all of the nice wishes we've received. Feel free to call
any of us on our cell phones. If you don't have those numbers, please call back
in a couple of weeks. You can't leave a message, so don't try. Have a good day.
* * * * * * * * * * *
After she hung up, Ryan started to go back downstairs, but her father stopped
her. What do you need from us today, love?
She gazed at him for a moment and said, I think we need some time to rest.
Neither of us slept well at all. Thankfully, Jamie's making up for that now,
she said, noting that it was after 10.
How's the head?
It's better. I guess you can't cry that much in a single day and not get
a headache. Getting some fluids down seems to have helped.
I'll clear the house if you want quiet, Siobhán. We can take Duffy
back with us.
No. She shook her head and slipped her arms around her father. I'd
like you and Aunt Maeve to stay, to be honest. I feel better when you're close.
He kissed her forehead and said, I feel better when you're close to me,
too. We'll make some cookies. With a frown furrowing his brow, he asked,
Do you want to go ahead and have the family over for Christmas Eve? We can
cancel if it's too much.
No! I'd like things to stay as normal as possible, Da. Keeping everything
familiar will really help.
Familiar it is, he said. He reached down and swatted her rather hard
on the seat, chuckling at her outraged squawk. As long as I'm acting normal,
I can't let you go unpunished for disrespecting the President!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Merely eating a light breakfast had thoroughly worn Ryan out, and she went back
downstairs, hoping for a long nap. Jamie hadn't moved, still curled up on her
right side with her open hand resting under her cheek. Ryan felt a need to watch
her for a bit, and since she was so stiff herself, she rolled her desk chair over
so she didn't have to bend.
She observed her partner for a long time, watching the slow, steady rise and fall
of her chest, noting how her eyes darted rapidly under her eyelids. There were
faint smudges of blue beneath her eyes, and her color was on the pale side, but
other than that, she looked remarkably well. Ryan let her mind wander, and she
recalled that it was only 24 hours ago that she'd come home to surprise her lover
in the middle of a mesmerizing dance. That could have been the last time we
ever made love, she sighed to herself. The last time we ever held each
other while we slept. Shivering roughly, she reached out and let the backs
of her fingers barely graze the soft cheek, gasping when Jamie's eyes flew open
and she sat up abruptly. Bloodshot green eyes darted around the room while she
tried to orient herself. What happened? she panted, out of breath.
Ryan placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and soothed, It's okay, love.
I'm sorry for waking you.
What
?
I touched your cheek, Ryan said. Really softly
just the
way I always do. But it frightened you and you woke up.
Oh. Jamie lowered herself onto the mattress, taking in a sharp breath
when her bruised ribs reminded her of the unkind treatment they had suffered the
night before. S'okay. Her eyes closed again and she murmured, Hold
me?
Ryan slipped off her clothing and got into bed, wrapping both arms around her
lover, while whispering endearments to her. Sleep now, sweetheart. You're
safe. Her soothing words also calmed her own racing heart, and soon they
were both asleep again, wrapped around each other tightly.
* * * * * * * * * * *
A horrifically realistic dream woke Ryan not long after they had dozed off. She
held her partner so tightly that Jamie was unable to take a deep breath, and she
only released her frantic grasp when the smaller woman began to struggle. Burying
her wet face against her lover's neck, Ryan started to cry softly. I'm sorry,
she rasped out. I'm so sorry I hurt you.
It's okay, sweetheart, Jamie soothed, turning to hold her. You
had a bad dream. It's okay now. She trailed her hand through Ryan's hair,
whispering to her the whole while. Go back to sleep now.
No, Ryan mumbled. I don't wanna. I'm afraid I'll have the dream
again.
The smaller woman stroked Ryan's hair for a few minutes, trying to wake up. From
the tense set of Ryan's posture, it was clear she was unable to relax again, so
Jamie finally sighed, Okay, we should get up anyway. I'm sure there are
things we should be doing.
No, everything's taken care of, Ryan said. Mia's out running
some errands for us. I told Da we needed to sleep today.
I should call my parents, Jamie said. I need to make sure Mother's
all right. She sat up and looked up at the dresser, a puzzled look on her
face.
Mia's going to get us new cell phones, Ryan said, noting her puzzlement.
Damn! That thing's a part of me. I guess I remember how to use a land line.
She got up and called her mother's home, frowning when no one answered. She's
not home, she said. I'll call my dad and see if he knows what's up.
His phone also rang for a while until the answering machine picked up. I
don't remember his cell phone number, she said, scowling. I had it
programmed in my cell phone.
Maybe they called here, Ryan said. Let me go check.
No, let me. I should get a little something in my stomach, anyway.
I'll make you breakfast, Ryan said. It'll do me good to stretch
a little.
Is your father still here?
Uh-huh.
No way you're taking his spot in the kitchen, love. That's his domain.
* * * * * * * * * * *
As expected, Martin insisted on cooking for them, after informing Jamie that Ryan
had only eaten a little toast for her first breakfast. My stomach's upset,
she grumbled. Those drugs are really strong.
Are they helping? Jamie asked.
Yeah. I'm still stiff, but I moved like a mannequin when I woke up this
morning. I think they've helped a lot.
How about a vanilla shake? Martin asked. Ice cream might go
down easier.
Make it banana and you've got a deal, his daughter said, giving him
a grateful smile.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan tried to avert her eyes, unable to watch Jamie eat her omelet, the sight
of cooked food making her queasy. To distract herself, she updated her partner
on the morning phone calls. We got a message that we probably have to return.
What's that, babe?
Well, two actually. I blew off President Clinton this morning. I hope you
don't mind. She had such a cute, sheepish grin on her face that Jamie had
to laugh at her expression.
The President, huh? She looked thoughtful for a moment and asked,
Why would he call? Her brow scrunched up and she tilted her head.
He would only call if it benefited him somehow
Ryan tapped her nose. You hit it.
I'm gonna guess that he wanted to let everybody know that you and I are
big supporters of his.
In a roundabout way, Ryan said. He wanted to congratulate us
for being so heroic; but he wanted CNN to record his message. I'm assuming they
hoped we'd gush about how wonderful it was that such an important man could take
a moment off to call us. She scowled and grumbled, Given how he acts,
he's got nothing but free time especially for young women.
Jamie's head dropped into her hands. Don't tell me you gave him the lecture
about exploiting his power to get blow jobs at work! She leaned over to
whisper blow jobs concerned that Martin or Maeve might hear.
Kinda, but that wasn't my first complaint. I started out with the gays in
the military thing. I would have gotten to the blow jobs, but his press secretary
had blown me off by then.
You are incorrigible, Jamie said with a fond smile as she patted Ryan's
cheek.
Do you mind that I did that, honey? I don't want to embarrass your family.
I mean, he was behind getting your father appointed to the Senate
No, babe. I'm a bigger fan of the President than you are, but I fully recognize
that politicians do this kind of thing for publicity. I'm sure my father wouldn't
want us to play along just for his sake. Besides, neither my dad nor the President
is running for re-election.
I'm sorry if I went too far, Ryan said. Da wasn't very happy
with me, either.
Jamie cocked her head and said, It's always puzzled me a little that you're
so angry with him. You're certainly not a sexual prude, and you seem awfully jaded
about every other politician.
Ryan nodded her head briskly. I'm jaded all right. She mulled the
issue over for a moment and said, I think I'm angry with him because he
could have been so good, but the guy doesn't have a strongly held conviction in
his whole body. I think he had the desire to be a leader, but he's the most political
of all politicians. He runs every issue up the flagpole and sees how many people
salute rather than doing what he thinks is right. It doesn't do much good
to finally have a President that isn't afraid of gay people only to have
him screw us just as badly as Bush did. At least Bush thought we sucked!
Okay, that makes sense, but why does the sex stuff bother you?
It was just the power imbalance, Jamers. He was the President, and she was
an unpaid intern. I believe she wanted to do it, but what if she hadn't? How do
you say no to the leader of the Free World, when you're just 22 years old? I just
hate it when people use their power to get what they want.
You're always looking out for the little guy, aren't ya, sport? Jamie
smiled fondly at her partner and said, I'm afraid to ask who the second
call was. You didn't insult the Pope, did you?
No, Ryan said, but I could give him an earful, too!
Siobhán! Martin's warning tone floated out from the kitchen.
Sorry, Da, she called back, snickering softly. No, the other
call was from Willie Brown's office.
Well, you like him better than you like the President, Jamie said.
Did he want publicity, too?
Probably, she said, shrugging. They want to honor us with some
ceremony, and give us a medal.
Ryan looked like she had just learned the mayor was going to perform oral surgery
on her without anesthesia, and Jamie immediately said, We don't have to
do it, baby.
You really don't mind if I say no? she asked, tentative about her
instinct.
If it were you alone, would you go? Jamie asked, knowing the answer.
Absolutely not!
Then we won't go together, she said, surprised that Ryan would even
think she would be interested in participating if they weren't in agreement.
You sure you don't mind, honey? I'd hate to get in the way if you'd like
a little stroking from society at large, but I just can't stand it!
I only need to be stroked by you, Jamie said.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Just after noon, Catherine and Jim popped in unexpectedly. Hello all,
she called out brightly, not bothering to knock.
We're in the dining room, Jamie replied.
Breakfast? the older woman asked in surprise.
Yep, her daughter mumbled around a mouthful of eggs.
First Catherine and then Jim kissed her head and hugged her gently. Did
you just get up, honey?
No, I've been up for a little while. Actually, a very little while,
she admitted. Tough night.
Well, no wonder, Catherine said. It will be a while before any
of us sleep well, honey. You need to be gentle with yourself.
I know, she said. I'm trying not to feel guilty about my bed
slug tendencies.
Catherine greeted Ryan in exactly the same way she had Jamie, but Jim was satisfied
to just squeeze her shoulder. How are you? he asked.
Not bad, she said, shrugging. She smiled at her partner and said,
I'm counting my blessings.
Martin and Maeve came out of the kitchen, and the group sat down at the table
and shared another cup of coffee, snacking on some of the sugar cookies they had
just taken from the oven. I can't imagine either of you feel like going
with us, Catherine said.
Going?
I told you last night that I wanted to replace the gifts you purchased for
the girls, she said.
Oh, Mom, you don't have to do that!
But I want to, Catherine said. We came by to get a list.
I spoke to Jen this morning, Ryan said. I told her about the
gifts, but said that we wouldn't be able to replace them until we got back from
our trip, so the girls aren't expecting anything.
Nonsense, Ryan. It's Christmas. Looking pensive for a moment she said,
Actually, since she knows about them, I think we'll go pick her up and take
her with us. She'll know what everyone would like. She'd enjoy that, wouldn't
she?
Of course she would, Ryan said. But it's a zoo at the mall today,
Catherine.
I'm not much of a mall shopper, Catherine said. I'm sure we
can find a few places that aren't overrun with shoppers.
Be gentle with her, Ryan said. She's not used to running with
the big dogs.
I realize that, sweetheart, Catherine said. She acted like Nordstrom's
was the most fantastic place she'd ever seen. Don't you worry. We'll be fine.
Ryan watched the pair get ready to leave, musing that Catherine looked completely
normal. God, if I'd been that drunk, I'd still be in bed. She's got some constitution!
* * * * * * * * * * *
They went downstairs together, and Jamie got into the shower while Ryan returned
a few phone calls. When the blonde emerged she said, I was thinking, honey.
What do you say to doing some short-term therapy?
Mmm
we'll see, Ryan said. Once we get back from the Bahamas,
we might feel fine.
Ryan
Yes?
This isn't going to go away like a bruise or a sprain. This is a big deal,
honey.
I know that, she acknowledged. I said I'd consider it, didn't
I? With an obviously forced smile, the brunette said, I'm gonna go
upstairs for a minute. Want anything?
No. No, thanks. Jamie watched her leave, shaking her head at the retreating
form.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When Ryan came back down, Jamie was on the phone, but she hung up after just a
minute. I left a message for Anna. I really need to vent a little today,
and I'm getting the impression you're not the right person to do that with.
Looking trapped, Ryan nodded briefly. I don't want to talk about it,
she said. Maybe in a few days
but not now.
All right, Jamie said soothingly. When you feel ready, love.
Right. As soon as I'm ready. She stretched and looked around the room
briefly. I guess I'll go back upstairs, she said. Before Jamie could
say a word, she was gone once again.
I guess I'd better stop pushing this, or I'll never see her again!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Hmm, it's not so bad here, Mia thought as she approached the Arrivals section
of the airport. I guess most people have already gotten to where they're going
for Christmas.
She pulled over to the curb in front of the huge United terminal and gazed
out the passenger window to try and locate the smallest of the O'Flaherty brothers.
Jordan was eagerly waiting just inside the wide sliding doors, and she ran out
of the one located just behind Mia's car, then snuck around the back of the little
coupe and crouched down next to the driver's door. She lifted her hand and tapped
lightly on the window, very glad that the glass was up when Mia let out an ear
piercing scream of delight upon seeing her face. The smaller woman was so stunned
that for several moments she fumbled to find the switch to lower the window. Jordan
just smiled as she heard the string of curses that flew from the cherubic looking
face, but the window finally slid down. Mia reached out with both hands, pulled
Jordan's head and shoulders into the car, and immediately set upon her lips with
a vengeance.
Whoa, Jordan finally murmured as she tried to extract herself from
Mia's torrid embrace.
Get in here, the smaller woman growled with a suggestive smile on
her face. Jordan was only too happy to comply. She dashed back around, and tossed
her small duffel bag into the back as her long legs slid into the front seat.
She gave Mia a jubilant smile, but it was knocked off her face by the very determined
brunette as she hurled herself against her taller lover, nearly squeezing the
breath out of Jordan's lungs.
They both lost all sense of time as they rained kisses onto each other's mouth
and face, but they were jarred from their passionate reunion by a sharp rap on
the driver's window. Move along, lovebirds, the scowling police officer
warned them sternly.
Mia shot upright and flashed the officer her most adorable grin. I missed
her, she said simply as she shrugged her shoulders while batting her eyes.
Even the stern police officer couldn't help but smile back at her. He cast an
appraising look at the two of them and said, I'd miss either one of you,
but you still can't use this lane as a motel!
* * * * * * * * * * *
When the giddy young lovers came running in, Mia dashed right over to Ryan and
gave her a big kiss and an even bigger hug. This is the best present anyone
ever got for me, she said.
Jordan was right behind her, giving her friend a similar greeting. I'm so
glad you're both all right, she said as she released Ryan and wrapped Jamie
in a hug. I was sitting in my room last night, channel surfing just before
I went to sleep, and I saw this remarkable chase. I said to myself, 'That guy
really loves that damned car.' Then they came on and said the car was registered
to Jamie Evans and Si'-ob-han O'Flaherty. I yelled so loud all of my roommates
came running in, and we all got on the bed and watched until it was over. I must
have been wild, because one of the girls showed me the bruises I made on her shoulders
when you flew into the bay! She shook her head slowly as she said, I
don't think I've ever been that frightened.
It was a bitch, Ryan said, then she got up and started to walk into
the kitchen. Can I get you guys something to eat?
Jordan gave her a puzzled look, and Jamie whispered, She doesn't like to
talk about it.
Oh, she said, nodding her head. Yeah, I'll take some water or
juice, she called out to Ryan.
When Ryan came back in quite a few minutes later, she carried steaming mugs of
apple cider. I'm still cold, she muttered.
Jordan was sitting on the loveseat, and after Mia got up to fetch two mugs, she
sat on the larger woman's lap.
Martin came in with a tray of cookies, and Jamie saw his eyes widen when he caught
sight of the pair. Maeve followed close behind him and gave them a startled glance
herself. The older couple joined them when Ryan invited them to, and they all
chatted for a while, sticking to safe topics like the Olympic tryouts. Eventually,
Mia looked at Ryan quizzically and asked, I wasn't really supposed to wait
for your brother, was I? It just dawned on me that I had a job to do!
No, he's not coming in until this afternoon. You were only supposed to pick
up Jordan.
That I did, she said, leaning over to give her a tiny kiss. Actually,
I think Jordan needs a little nap. Borrow your room?
Sure, Ryan said. Be my guests.
Martin had a hard time keeping up with the convoluted love lives of his own children,
much less their friends, but he tried to understand this permutation. Have
I missed something here? he asked with a puzzled look on his face after
the pair had departed. I thought Conor was interested in the lass.
Oh, he is, Ryan said. But Mia seems to have chosen a different
path lately.
Hmm, I can't fault her taste, he said. Conor's not bad, but
that's the way I'd go! He let out a laugh that turned into a giggle when
Maeve gave him a good tickle. With a fond smile on her face, Jamie watched the
pair tussle, thinking that her little apple had landed very, very close to the
tree.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Conor got home a short time later, dusty and tired from a long day of playing
electrician's helper. Hi, bro, Ryan said as she gave him a quick hug.
Did Brendan go to the airport?
No, we roped Dermot into going since he was the last to come over to the
school. They should be here in an hour or so. He looked around the room
and asked, Did Mia get back with Jordan?
Yeah, about a half hour ago, Jamie said.
Where are they? he asked, then paused and answered his own question.
I assume they're
reconnecting?
He received a nod in confirmation, and shook his head as he climbed the stairs
to take a shower. He was grumbling to himself as he walked, and Ryan didn't catch
most of it, though she was fairly certain that she heard the words rubbing
my face in it.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When Dermot dropped Rory off, the last brother followed the O'Flaherty tradition
of saying little, but offering a lavish degree of physical affection to both his
sister and Jamie. Why don't you come upstairs and help me unpack?
he asked Ryan after a while.
She inclined her head and gave him a diffident shrug, Okay.
As the pair walked upstairs, Jamie quietly commented to Martin, I'm worried
about her. She won't talk about it at all today, and I'm afraid she's gonna explode!
She'll talk to Rory, Martin said, and Maeve echoed her agreement.
Are you sure? Jamie asked. It's not healthy for her to keep
everything bottled up inside.
Count on it, Martin said. He's always been the one who could
make her talk about anything.
* * * * * * * * * * *
She sat on her brother's bed, watching him put his things away. He'd only been
gone four days, so he didn't have much, but it was taking him quite a while to
finish. I thought you'd start talking if I gave you the opportunity,
he finally said, grinning slyly as he turned to her. But I can only fuss
with my clothes for so long.
I don't much feel like talking, she said. I'm probably still
a little bit in shock.
He sat backwards on his rolling desk chair, crossing his arms over the back of
the piece. Rolling the chair right next to the bed he commented, You don't
look like you're in shock. You do look like something's bothering you, though.
Wanna tell me?
Uhm
let's see
the three of us were almost killed, we went
swimming in the freezing bay in December, I shot a guy, Jamie almost drowned trying
to save my stupid ass
She scowled slightly and said, Pick one,
Rory. Most folks would be bothered by any one of 'em.
Gazing at her speculatively he said, Okay, I'll pick one. I pick the one
where you shot the guy. Tell me about that.
Her scowl deepened and she grumbled, Nothing to talk about. I winged the
asshole, and probably caused him to drive into the bay.
I don't know half of what happened, sis, but why did you have a gun? You're
not packin' as a routine matter, are ya?
No, she said, failing to recognize his question as a joke. I
uhm
took it away from one of the carjackers.
You took it away
? How?
He stuck it out of the passenger window and fired it blind, thinking he'd
hit me. I managed to twist it out of his hand and break
something
either his arm or wrist
in the process.
Wow, he said, closing his eyes as he considered how horrible the night
must have been for his baby sister. So then you shot him?
No. She didn't say another word, just glumly stared at her feet.
Having a feeling that he was on the right track, he followed up, What happened
after you got the gun away?
We drove around for another twenty minutes while the other guy tried to
kill me. They shot at me through the roof until they were almost out of ammo,
then Jamie warned me that the driver was going to get out at the bottom of the
hill and kill me. I winged him so he couldn't.
He let her words sink in, then nodded slowly. Even though you haven't been
to the shooting range in a while, I bet you're still a very good marksman, Ryan.
I've got to assume you meant to wing him especially at that range.
He'd been watching her carefully, noting that she seemed to grow more and more
agitated while talking about this element of her ordeal. He really had no idea
why she was so bothered by merely wounding one of her attackers, but he knew her
well enough to know that she was very upset by something she'd done.
Yeah. I intended to wing him. Again, she didn't elaborate, just gazed
blankly at a spot somewhere above the toes of her shoes.
He cocked his head, and asked the question that had been niggling at the back
of his brain. Why didn't you kill the driver as soon as you got the gun?
Did you think they'd chicken out or give up if you gave them a little time?
Her dark head shook, and her eyes closed tightly. No.
Tears were leaking out of her eyes, and he reached out and put his hand on her
shoulder. Tell me, Ryan. Come on, tell me why you're hurting.
She was squeezing her eyes so tightly closed that her long eyelashes were fully
hidden. I was afraid, she gasped out, starting to cry hysterically.
He hopped out of his chair and sat on the edge of his bed, drawing her tightly
against his chest. Holding her, he soothed her as best he could. Of course
you were afraid. Only a psychopath wouldn't be afraid in a situation like that.
I would have wet my pants.
No, she croaked. I was afraid to kill him. I knew it was the
best solution, Rory, but I couldn't make myself do it.
Oh, Ryan, he sighed, You can't feel bad about that! I don't
think I could have done it, either. But that doesn't matter now. All that matters
is that you're all alive!
No, no, no, no, she said, her voice growing progressively louder.
That's not all that matters! They were trying to kill us, and instead of
making sure they couldn't, I let them terrorize my lover for another twenty minutes.
She took in a shuddering breath and said, One of them almost killed her
right before it was all over. He had the gun aimed at her head, and his finger
was on the trigger. But he wanted to kill me just a little more than he wanted
to kill her. If there had been another round in that weapon, she'd be dead today,
Rory. We'd be at the mortuary right now, picking out her fucking casket! And it
would be all my fault! Her hands went to her head and she grabbed handfuls
of her hair and gave them a rough yank, trying to physically rip the gruesome
image from her head. I swear I would have turned that gun on myself if she
had died. My life would be nothing without her, Rory!
Ryan, Ryan, he soothed, I know how you feel about her, and I
know you'd do anything to keep her safe. For God's sake, sis, you practically
volunteered for death last night just to protect her and Caitie!
I should have killed him! I should have killed both of them!
Now just stop it! he said, giving her a good shake. Stop it
right now, Ryan. He held her by her shoulders so that he could look into
her eyes. You don't get second chances in a situation like that. You made
your choice, and it worked out beautifully. Shit, Ryan, what if you had killed
him and the car had swerved and been hit by a MUNI bus or a cable car. You'd all
be dead! Would you feel better in your last moments for having killed him first?
Of course not, she grumbled.
Ryan, I'm not just blowing smoke at you! You thought the right choice was
to kill them, but you could have been horribly wrong. You claim that you were
just too afraid to kill them, but maybe something inside told you to take a more
moderate course. Those assholes made their choices, you each made yours. You're
all bound by your choices now, Ryan. And from my perspective, you made the perfect
choice for whatever reasons. It's the result that matters.
She shook her head slowly and muttered, I'm doubting who I am, Rory.
I've always said that I could kill to protect my family I was certain of
that! I've told Jamie that a number of times. But when I was faced with the choice,
I put the same value on those motherfucker's lives as I did on Jamie's and Caitlin's.
I feel so guilty about it that I can hardly look Jamie in the eye today.
He looked at her carefully for a few moments, then said, You have nothing
to feel guilty about. You voluntarily put your life at risk to protect Jamie and
Caitlin as best you could. You did your very best to make sure that all
of you survived. There's no disgrace in that, Ryan. How can trying to avoid killing
a person be a source of shame? That's just nuts, and you're not the kind of woman
who thinks irrational thoughts.
I'm exactly that kind of woman, she sighed. I feel like I'm
going insane, Ror. I haven't had one rational thought since it happened.
She shook her head and revealed, I absolutely lost it at the hospital last
night. The doctor called in a security guard because he was afraid of me.
Looking at him with a face full of stark confusion, she repeated, He was
afraid of me.
Oh, Ryan, he sighed. He clutched her tighter and gave her a hearty
squeeze. You've been through a horrible, horrible experience. You're not
going to be thinking straight for some time. All sorts of things are going to
go through your mind, but only one thing matters, he said. Because
of you and because of Jamie, we're not at the funeral home today. We're
celebrating Christmas Eve with every member of our family healthy and whole.
He bent and kissed her forehead, lingering for a moment while he tried to stop
his tears. I have never been prouder of you.
I love you, Rory, she said, sobbing. Thanks for being my brother.
Best job in town, he said, giving her another hearty embrace.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan had been upstairs for well over an hour, and when she returned her eyes were
red and swollen, as were Rory's. Even though she looked extremely upset, her mood
somehow seemed lighter, and Jamie once again mused that Martin knew his children
very, very well.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Not long after Rory and Ryan had returned to the group, Tommy dropped Caitlin
off so he and Annie could catch a nap their sleep having been terribly
fitful as well. The toddler's arrival seemed to cheer Ryan even more. She was
too stiff to play their usual games, so Rory took over for her, carrying the laughing
baby around on his shoulders and holding her upside down until her face turned
pink.
Conor came down after he had showered and had a quick nap, and he was in much
brighter spirits than he had been in when he'd first returned home. He and Rory
got down on the floor with the baby, and created a human playpen by sitting opposite
each other with their legs spread wide and their feet touching. Every time Cait
tried to escape one or the other would grab her and tickle her tummy, making her
laugh so hard that Maeve kept warning that someone would soon be receiving her
lunch in his lap.
Watching her brothers and the baby laugh loud and long, Ryan started to relax
a little, and she soon forced herself to ignore her stiff muscles and join the
boys, expanding the dimensions of the playpen significantly with the addition
of her long legs. Jamie was feeling pretty spry, having taken some pain relievers
for her ribs; so she assisted her partner, crawling around the outside of the
playpen, making threatening gestures at the shrieking baby, warning her not to
even try to escape from their side.
Mia and Jordan came upstairs after their nap, and they got into the
game, also. Soon the walls were nearly shaking with laughter, and Martin leaned
over and commented to his wife, I thought the house would quiet down once
they were grown.
No, Marty, they just get louder, she said, raising her voice to be
heard.
I wouldn't change it for the world, he said, tucking an arm around
her shoulders and hugging her firmly.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When Jim, Catherine and Jennie arrived just before four, they were so loaded down
with boxes and bags that Conor and Rory were recruited to help carry the excess.
The boys went outside with Jim, and as soon as they cleared the door Jim asked,
Do the girls know how bad it is out here?
Conor stood on the deck and looked down at the street. The narrow roadway was
almost completely blocked by news vans, satellite trucks, huge SUV's loaded with
cameras and other equipment, and a raft of cars belonging to the phalanx of reporters.
No, they don't know, Conor said. We decided this morning to
try to keep them in the dark. I know my sis, and she'd freak if she knew they
were surrounded like this.
She's not in good shape, Rory said. I spoke to her for a long
time this afternoon, and she's very, very shaky. Isn't there anything we can do
to get rid of these vultures?
Jim nodded, his eyes narrowing. I'm gonna call in a favor, fellas.
He pulled his cell phone from his pocket and dialed a number, then waited for
his secretary in Washington to answer. Merry Christmas, he said brightly.
Now, don't worry. No big crisis, I just want a phone number. He waited
patiently until she turned on her laptop, then made his request. I need
the private cell phone number for Willie Brown. Conor and Rory's eyes widened,
and a moment later Jim switched off. He's a very creative guy, he
said confidently, dialing the number. Willie? Jim Evans. Merry Christmas,
Mayor! How would you like to give your favorite senator a nice, big present?
* * * * * * * * * * *
My God! Martin cried as the loot was taken down to the basement. What
on earth did you buy?
We bought just enough to give each of the girls a couple of nice outfits,
some underwear, a few casual blouses, some jeans and a few computers so they can
get their schoolwork done more efficiently, Catherine informed him. We
just replicated the things the girls had in the Lexus.
Jennie's eyes were glazed as Ryan helped carry the last of the bags down to her
room. Kinda hard to get used to isn't it? Ryan asked gently as she
placed her hand on Jennie's shoulder.
I
I
I've never seen anything like it, she mumbled, her
eyes wide and unfocused.
We wanted to make sure that you had all the help you need at Sacred Heart,
Ryan said.
I've never seen a computer like the one you bought me, she said. It
weighs less than two pounds and it's actually got a little digital camera built
right in. Catherine said I can take it to school and take my notes right on it!
And buying me Corel Draw was just too much! she enthused. I never,
ever thought I'd have anything that cool, Ryan! I just don't know what to say!
You can say, 'Thank you, Catherine,' because that was clearly not the Costco
special!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Later that afternoon, Jamie was downstairs dressing when she heard a quiet knock
on the door. Yeah?
The door opened slightly, then Catherine's voice asked, Would you mind some
company?
No, of course not. Come on in, Mom. I'm just getting dressed.
The older woman entered, and stood close to the door, looking a little uncomfortable.
Have a seat, Jamie said, indicating the loveseat. She saw her mother
hesitate, and she said, I really don't mind having you here when I'm getting
ready. I'm much less shy than I used to be.
No, it's not that, Catherine said. I'm just a little nervous.
Why? The younger woman slipped her slacks on and zipped them, then
went over to sit next to her mother. What are you nervous about?
I don't
I don't handle shame well, she said quietly. And
I'm deeply ashamed of myself for how I behaved last night.
Giving her a robust hug, Jamie murmured, You have nothing to be ashamed
of. It was a horrible night for all of us, Mom, and you were just
you did
what you needed to do to get through it.
I owe you an apology, honey, she said. I hope
I hope
I didn't embarrass you.
Oh, Mom, don't think like that. Last night was so out-of-control
on every front. You've never embarrassed me, and you never will.
I'm glad that one of us thinks that, Catherine said softly. I'm
not so confident.
Well, I am, Jamie said. She got up and finished getting dressed, her
mother quietly watching her.
I'm afraid of making another promise, Jamie, but I'm going to try, with
all of my heart, to be available to you while you recover from this trauma. I'm
not sure I know how to help, but I'll certainly try.
Sitting down next to her again, Jamie patted her leg and said, I know you
will.
Is there anything you want to talk about now? You seem to be doing remarkably
well, honey.
I'm okay, she said. I spoke to my therapist today, and she thinks
I'm still in shock. She says that things will start to break through over the
next few days or weeks probably when I'm sleeping, unfortunately. I don't
look forward to that, but knowing that it is likely to happen is strangely reassuring.
She says my psyche will let things in a little bit at a time, and we'll just deal
with them as they come up.
You like her very much, don't you, honey, Catherine said.
Oh, yeah, she's just perfect for me. She's always very up-front with me,
and she warns me about things before they happen. Some people might not like that,
but it's great for me.
I'm very glad you have her. Of course, with the way you and Ryan talk about
everything
it's like you have two therapists.
Sometimes, Jamie said, but not this time. Ryan's very closed-off
about the whole thing. It worries me, Mom.
Give her some time, honey, I'm sure she's in shock, too. She'll probably
be ready to talk in a day or two.
I hope so, she said, a worried look on her face. It's never
good when she clams up. She's always happier when she's able to talk.
That's why you're such a good pair, Catherine said, smiling at her.
One of the main reasons, Jamie said. We have more sensitive
chats in a month than most people have in their whole lives. She chuckled
softly and said, But it works for us.
Well, I'm no Ryan, but I'm always available to chat, Catherine said.
Actually, that's the other reason I came down here. I want you to think
about something and give me your honest opinion.
Sure. What is it, Mom?
I think I should cancel my trip to Italy. I think I'd feel much better if
I was close by.
Jamie nodded, then contemplated the issue for a few minutes. I think you
should go, she said. We're going to be down in North Carolina, then
in the Bahamas, so we won't even be around for most of your trip. I think it would
be good for you to get away for a while, to be honest, Mom. I know you've been
looking forward to the trip, and to seeing Giacomo so I honestly think
you should go.
Are you sure, honey? I worry about being so far away. What if you need me?
I always need you, Mom, she said. But I can always reach you
on the phone and if some emergency arose, you could be on the next flight
home. I really want you to go. I want you to have a nice New Year's.
Catherine sighed, then nodded. All right. It might be best for all of us
to get away for a while.
I agree. And by the time we all get home, this mess will be just a memory.
A really horrible memory.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Martin had invited the crowd for seven o'clock so, as expected, nearly everyone
was there by five. As the room got more crowded, Jim went out onto the deck to
get some fresh air. Conor saw him leave and followed him out, quietly surveying
the near-silent street. Nice job, he said.
I have no idea how the mayor did it, Jim said, but he said it
was a one-day-only proposition.
I just couldn't stand to have her Christmas Eve ruined, Conor sighed,
his voice catching as a few tears slid down his cheeks. She loves Christmas.
So does Jamie, Jim said. They're coming back to our house after
the midnight church service. Things should be calm down there.
Conor wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. You're going to church
with us? Not with your father?
First time for everything, Jim said. I'd go to a Republican
fund-raiser with her at this point, Conor. I can hardly bear to be away from her.
I know what you mean, the younger man said. I had to go do a
job today, and I spent every minute wishing I were at home.
Jim chuckled quietly. We're a pair, aren't we?
Conor shrugged agreeably. So are they, Jim. So are they.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan looked quite elegant in her black silk pants and a snug black wool turtleneck.
A thin, silver chain belt rode low on her hips, and her platinum necklace, as
well as both of the blue diamond earrings, gave her a little sparkle.
Since they'd gotten dressed separately, Ryan hadn't seen her partner yet, and
she cornered Jamie in the dining room as soon as she appeared, spending a few
minutes showing her just how lovely the smaller woman looked in her navy blue
velvet slacks and short jacket, with the ivory satin chemise underneath. One
of the things I love about the way you dress is that your clothes always feel
great, Ryan whispered as she ran her hands all over the soft garments that
covered her lover's body. Sometimes we're in a room with other people, and
I just want to lean over and touch your soft clothing. Her eyes closed as
she continued to touch her. Mmm, I'll think about the way you feel all night,
she said.
Knock it off you two, Conor said as he stood in the doorway, nearly
filling it with his substantial body.
Patting her partner, Jamie reluctantly shifted her eyes away from her to turn
to her brother-in-law. You look very nice tonight, Conor, she said
appreciatively as she took in his monochromatic steel gray shirt and tie, and
the slightly darker gray suit.
Thanks. Lot of good it'll do me though. A house full of great looking women,
and every one is allergic to testosterone!
* * * * * * * * * * *
The party was in full swing when Sara arrived at eight, having put in a full day
of work. Jamie answered the door, and the taller woman gently wrapped her arms
around her and held on for a long while, sniffing her tears away while her shoulders
shook. I'm so grateful that you're both safe.
Ryan caught sight of the display and dashed over to the door, urging both her
partner and Sara outside so they could have a little privacy. Sara gave Ryan a
hug as well, but it was much briefer than the one she had bestowed on Jamie. She
dabbed at her eyes with a tissue and said, I must be the only person in
San Francisco who didn't know about your
adventure, she said, not
having a better word for it. I was at work so late last night that I didn't
watch the news when I got home, and I was running late today so I didn't even
glance at the morning paper.
When did you hear? Ryan asked.
Well, actually, while I was on the bus going in I heard people talking about
the woman who rode all over the city on the roof of a car, and then dove into
the bay to save her attacker, but of course I didn't know it was you.
You should always assume that news reports of a crazy woman doing something
wild are very likely about me, Ryan said, trying to lighten the mood.
Ally called me from San Diego and she's the one who told me it was you two,
Sara said. She said to give you each a big hug for her.
We spoke to her earlier, Ryan nodded. Once again, she tried to shift
the topic. I'm a little jealous of her being able to go surfing today.
Sara's face grew serious as she placed her hands lightly on Ryan's crossed arms.
I'm very glad that you're safe. Her dark brown eyes blinked slowly
as she said, I'm also very glad I didn't know it was happening at the time.
I don't know how your family survived the anxiety.
Ryan had been fidgeting the entire time, but now she looked like she wanted to
climb off the deck to get away from the distressing topic. You just do what
you have to, she said. Uhm
let's go in, huh? It's kinda cold
out here.
Giving her a puzzled look, Sara followed her in, but as soon as they were inside,
Jamie tugged on her sleeve. She can't talk about it, Sara. It's still too
fresh in her mind.
Her face fell and she sighed. Is there anything I can do?
No, I don't think so, Jamie said. Just try to act as normally
as you can. I know it's hard, but it's what she needs.
Sara nodded and said softly, She was like this when Michael died.
Jamie blinked, having it once again hit her that Sara knew Ryan so well. Would
you come downstairs with me? she asked. I need some help.
Sure. Duffy saw they were heading downstairs, so he came along, much
preferring to be away from the crowd, if possible. Jamie sat on Ryan's desk chair,
with Sara claiming the loveseat. Duffy lay at Jamie's feet, shifting around until
he was pressed up against her leg.
I don't know much about how Ryan handled Michael's death, Jamie said.
But it just occurred to me that she might have some of the same reactions
to this trauma that she did then. Can you think of anything that might help me
get her through this?
Sara gave her a puzzled look and asked, You make it sound like this was
something that Ryan did alone. Aren't you just as upset as she is?
No, she said, shaking her head. I'm not sure why, but she's
not dealing with this well at all, Sara. She seems so bottled up. It's beginning
to frighten me.
The brunette sighed and nodded briefly, To be honest, she was exactly the
same when Michael died. She couldn't talk about it at all with anyone.
Her father was so worried about her he was just sick. Finally, he and Maeve forced
her to go to a grief support group. She shivered and said, It was
a horrible time for the whole family.
They went with her? Jamie asked.
Oh, no, she said. This was a group for kids. But one of them
had to take her to make her stay in the room. For the first few weeks, they dropped
her off, and she'd run out of the room as soon as they left. They only found out
because Martin was driving home after he'd dropped her off one day, and he passed
her running down the street.
The smaller woman shook her head. She's told me before about being in therapy.
I got the impression that she thought she benefited from it.
Oh, she did, Sara said. She was about to go mad, Jamie. It was
a terrible time for her. All she did was bang on that boxing stuff that Conor
had, and play Michael's guitar. She played so long and so hard that her fingertips
bled. She had calluses like I've never seen. She shook her head slowly.
It was so hard to reach her, she said. It was like all of the
joy was just sucked out of her. But once her father made her start talking about
it, she started to let some of her anger out, and she finally got back to her
old self.
Why was it so hard for her to talk about it with her family? Jamie
asked. Didn't they want to?
Oh, yeah, they did. But they were as sad as she was, Jamie. I think she
was afraid of making it worse for them. You know how she hates causing anyone
pain. Her brow furrowed and she said, I think Michael's death was
so awful for her because of her anger. You know how hard it is for her to express
that.
The blonde nodded, thinking that her lover hadn't changed much at all in the intervening
years. She got up and hugged Sara impulsively, saying, Thank you. It's really
helpful to know things like this. I'll know what to look for this time out.
You're welcome, she said. I'll do anything to help, Jamie. Anything.
You've helped a lot, Jamie said. Just having you here helps
make things seem more normal for both of us.
They went back upstairs, and Caitlin came toddling over. Sara stooped to swoop
her into her arms, asking, Who's my favorite baby?
Tanna! she gurgled, her eyes bright.
Tanna? Sara asked, looking to Jamie for interpretation.
New word, she said, winking. Turning to Caitlin, she asked in an excited
voice, Who comes down the chimney tonight?
The brunette caught on quickly, and she and Caitlin cried in unison, Tanna!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Aren't they cute together? Ryan commented to Jamie from their perch
on the second floor looking down on the crowd.
Totally, she said fondly. They had been sitting together for quite
a while, the crowd having grown too loud and the room too warm for Ryan. At the
moment they were watching Mia and Jordan attempt to eat dinner. For some reason,
both women had decided that the other was unable to feed herself; though the crowded
room, the paper plates, and the tiny plastic knife and fork made the task a challenging
one, they seemed to be having a good time, nonetheless. I think the present
was a success, babe.
Yeah, I even guessed the right size, Ryan noted. When do you
want to give them their tickets for New Years?
Let's do it tonight before we leave for Mass, Jamie said. Why
don't you give Jordan hers first, just to make sure her schedule hasn't changed.
Then give me the high sign, and I'll give Mia hers.
Deal, Ryan replied amiably. Her stomach had acclimated to the muscle
relaxant, and her appetite had partially returned. It seemed the only thing she
was interested in was cookies and ice cream, but at least she was getting some
calories. They had both been munching on the assortment of desserts that the aunts
had baked, and Ryan gallantly finished everything that Jamie could not handle.
She put the plates aside and scooted up against the wall, pulling Jamie up against
her side. As her arm wrapped around velvet-covered shoulders, Ryan leaned her
head against Jamie's. I was just thinking about last Christmas, she
said softly.
I've been thinking about that all night, Jamie said with a shy laugh.
It was so vitally important that I come to see you, I honestly didn't care
how mad Jack got if he found out. But that's the first time I can ever remember
intentionally deceiving him, she said with a quick shake of her head.
That must have been hard for you, Ryan said. I know that period
was particularly difficult for you and Jack.
You know, Jamie said thoughtfully, I don't think I've ever properly
thanked you for helping to keep me sane during those months. I swear, Ryan, if
it wasn't for you I would have been profoundly depressed
at best.
Ryan squeezed her tight and murmured right into her ear, You don't have
to thank me for being your friend. It was an intensely pleasurable experience.
She leaned over a tiny bit and placed a soft kiss on her partner's cheek. I
don't think I've ever expressed just how much your Christmas presents meant to
me. At the time, I didn't know exactly how much money you had, but I knew it was
a lot, she said, chuckling. I was really kinda worried that you would
buy me some extravagant gift that would make me feel uncomfortable. I was so amazed
when you gave me the tickets for all of the kid-oriented attractions in the city.
She shook her head slowly, still savoring the memory.
Why was that so meaningful for you? Jamie asked curiously.
A couple of reasons. First, it showed that you understood that buying me
something expensive would offend me. It showed that you understood who I was,
and that always makes me feel special. Secondly, it showed that you understood
how important Caitlin was to me. Tracy had just hurt my feelings pretty badly
when she made it clear that she didn't want to spend time with the baby. You not
only understood she was important to me, you wanted to come along with us, which
really made me feel good.
Jamie snuggled up a little closer, tickling Ryan's nose with her hair as she did
so. She chuckled briefly as she admitted, You have no idea how much time
I spent thinking about a gift for you. But you know, I never considered a gift
that didn't include me! She laughed wryly as she added, God! I was
clueless!
I think you're being a little harsh with yourself, Ryan said. We'd
only known each other four months at the time, Jamie. You processed things as
quickly as you could.
I guess, but my behavior still amazes me. Wanna hear about the gift that
I really wanted to give you?
Sure.
I actually used to dream about this one, she said, chuckling softly.
Dream about it?
Yeah. I was so grateful for all of the time and energy that you had already
expended helping me get ready for the ride. I thought, and I thought, and finally
I came upon an idea that seemed just perfect. So perfect that I had several very
pleasant dreams about it.
This I gotta hear, Ryan said.
I thought that since you were teaching me to ride your way, I'd pay you
back by teaching you to ride my way.
Ryan tilted her head back and closed her eyes halfway. I'm thinking sherpas
to carry our stuff and motors on the bikes.
Slapping at her partner's thigh, Jamie said, Not at all! We were going to
ride in the traditional way we were just going to be riding in Tuscany,
she said, her eyes glimmering with the fantasy. I wanted to rent a couple
of road bikes and ride from town to town, stopping at elegant little spots along
the way.
Tuscany? Ryan asked, her eyes wide.
Definitely, Jamie said, sighing deeply. I'd put myself to sleep
at night thinking of sitting on a broad terrace, overlooking a slope filled with
lavender, the sun warming our bodies. We'd be sipping a crisp wine, eating a big
slice of melon so fresh from the fields that it was still warm. A little
strip of salty prosciutto would be wrapped around the melon, and I could almost
taste the contrast of the salt with the incredible sweetness of that melon.
Her eyes fluttered closed, and she purred softly.
I can taste it now, Ryan murmured, feeling like purring herself. What
a nice thought.
Oh, yeah, Jamie moaned. I'd lie in bed and think about popping
that last bite of melon into your mouth
and having your teeth rake across
my finger. She shivered a bit and said, But then I'd force myself
to stop thinking like that. Waaaay too dangerous. The next night though, I'd imagine
feeding you an herb-flecked olive, and I'd think about your tongue sliding down
my finger
and I'd have to stop for the night. She fanned herself
with her open hand. You sucked on my fingers all across Tuscany in my fantasy.
Did I ever feed myself? Ryan asked, just a hint of teasing in her
voice.
Oh, sure. And of course, sometimes you fed me, she said. Then
I'd imagine staring into your eyes while sucking on your fingers when you placed
a bite of a big juicy peach in my mouth
and I'd have to stop for the night.
We sure would have had clean fingers, Ryan said.
Okay, wise guy. Do you still think I wasn't clueless?
Maybe just a tiny bit, Ryan admitted. It's really tough on your
psyche when you're trying to deny something that desperately wants to get out.
I know, she sighed. It was wonderful to dream about, though.
I knew we'd have a marvelous time.
Without question, Ryan said. But I'm glad you didn't try to
give me that trip, honey. It wasn't the right time. Now we can do something like
that and suck on each other's fingers with a consciously salacious intent.
Some day, Jamie said, I'm gonna get you to Tuscany by hook or
by crook. I know you'll love it so much you won't want to come home.
I look forward to it, Ryan sighed. I can't wait to get away
from home for a while. Our trip can't start soon enough for me.
They were quiet for a moment, each of them thinking idly of the previous year.
I have to tell you again how much the gift you made for me meant,
Jamie said. She turned slightly and regarded Ryan for a moment. People have
given me things my whole life. But I'd been given so much that things started
to mean less and less to me. That little homemade training journal really made
an impact on me because you made it with your own hands, and I could see how much
of yourself you put into it. She chuckled once again as she admitted, I
sometimes used to read the little sayings and poems that you had written, and
trace the words with my finger, imagining your hand as you wrote them. It made
me feel close to you when I was lonely, she said softly.
I spent a lot of time making that book for you, Ryan said. I
felt like I was giving you a part of myself, and I needed it to be perfect.
Ryan laughed deep in her chest, and Jamie lifted her head a bit to look up at
her. I remember getting dressed on Christmas Eve, she said. I
think I put on every sweater that I owned before I finally decided on what to
wear. And as you now know, obsessing about my wardrobe was pretty unusual for
me. After I fussed with myself in the mirror for 20 minutes, I finally said, 'What's
up with you today?' It didn't dawn on me then that I wanted to look nice for you,
but that must have been it.
It worked, Jamie said softly. I remember seeing you standing
there in the doorway in that deep red sweater, with your glossy black hair, and
thinking that you were the most beautiful woman that I had ever seen. She
turned slightly and rested her hands flat against Ryan's chest. I haven't
changed my mind, she said as she dipped her head and started to place sweet,
gentle kisses on Ryan's dark pink lips.
The kisses quickly deepened in their intensity as Ryan slowly opened her mouth
to allow Jamie's questing tongue to enter. A guttural groan came from the larger
woman as Jamie grasped her face with both hands and taunted her mercilessly by
running her tongue all over Ryan's lips, tracing the outlines with a maddeningly
slow pace. With a growl, she leaned heavily against Ryan's body to kiss her more
deeply, feeling her quickening heartbeat against her breast. After a few moments
Ryan pulled away forcefully and gasped, I
I can't ... it's too much.
Shh
Jamie soothed, seeing the fine glow of perspiration that
had begun to form on Ryan's skin. I don't mean to push you, sweetheart.
I know things are intense for you right now.
She looked absolutely helpless, her eyes wide and glassy. I want to be close
I really want to! But it feels like I'm suffocating
We are close, Jamie reassured her. We've very close, sweetheart.
We'll get through this, Ryan. I promise we'll get through this.
Ryan held her tight, squeezing a little harder than Jamie would have chosen, given
her sore ribs, but she didn't say a word. Are you sure? she rasped
out.
Pulling back, Jamie stared directly into her eyes and enunciated clearly. I
promise you that we'll both be fine, Ryan. There isn't a doubt in my mind.
Seeing her confidence, Ryan nodded slowly. I believe you, she whispered.
A minute ago you reminded me how tough it is on your psyche to try to hold
things in. That's why I want you to have a little therapy. You've got things that
are trying to get out of that pretty head, and you're trying not to let them.
She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, and Jamie could feel her start to
shake. Not now, Jamie, not now
please.
I'm sorry for bringing it up again, she sighed, wrapping her lover
in a snug hold. Don't think about it now, Ryan. Let's just try to have as
nice a Christmas as we possibly can.
I'll try, Ryan said, her voice tight with the tension she was unable
to express.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Late in the evening, Jordan spied her friend sitting on the second floor overhang,
looking down at the crowd. She excused herself from the conversation she and Mia
were having with Catherine to spend a few moments alone with her. Hey, buddy,
she said as she wrapped her arm around Ryan's waist. You look like you're
a million miles away.
Ryan nodded. That feels about right.
So how are you
really? she asked, locking eyes with her. No
bullshit.
Ryan tilted her head back, and allowed herself to think for a moment. You're
one of the first to ask that, she admitted.
That's understandable. Jordan said as she leaned back and dropped
her head against her friend's shoulder. It's hard to know what to say.
It's so odd, Jordan. I was nearly killed, and then I nearly killed someone,
and the President called to congratulate me. I just can't wrap my mind around
it.
I truly can't imagine, she said. But I'm here if you want to
talk about it. I mean, I'm no Jamie, but I'm a good listener.
Things are weird between us, Ryan said. I don't feel like I
can vent to her, since she has her own fears and I don't want to hear them. She
was in the car with them, Jordan, and I know they said some things and did some
things that scared the piss out of her, but I don't want to know about it. This
is the first time that I've ever been unable to be there for her.
Are you okay being with her if you don't talk about it?
Yeah. Off and on. We've actually been pretty physical with each other, holding
each other and things like that. She shook her head and revealed, I
freaked out a few minutes ago, though. She started to kiss me and when she pressed
her weight against me, I felt like I was being strangled. She shivered roughly
and said, I hope to God that doesn't continue, or I'll lose my mind. Having
her close is the only thing keeping me sane.
Just take it slow, Jordan said. Talk about it in little bits
--just until you start to feel uncomfortable.
I can't, Ryan said, her color beginning to drain from her face. I
just can't talk to her, Jordan.
Are you okay talking about it with me?
Uhm
not okay, she admitted, but it's definitely easier.
You weren't involved, Ryan said. That's the key. She knows what it
was like she knows how it felt to plunge into the bay she knows
how terrifying it was to try to save Caitlin it's just too much. It's like
her fear makes mine exponentially greater.
Maybe you'd do better if you both agreed not to talk about it for a while.
I mean, I know you've got stuff to get off your chest, and she does too. Maybe
you just shouldn't do it together.
Ryan slid her arm around her friend and said, Not a bad idea. Maybe we should
just offer each other physical comfort for a few days.
Speaking of your mate, where is she?
Ryan shook her head slightly and pointed. She's talking to Sara. Actually,
I was just sitting here thinking of how odd it is that Sara is still in my life.
Chuckling mildly, Jordan said, I don't know how you two do it. I sure wouldn't
want Mia's old boyfriend celebrating the holidays with us.
Ryan's eyes narrowed and Jordan wished she could pull her opinion back into her
mouth and swallow it. Enunciating crisply, Ryan said, Jamie asked me to
invite her.
I wasn't criticizing, buddy. I was actually trying to pay Jamie a compliment,
but it didn't come out like that. All I meant to say was that she's a special
woman to be able to welcome someone like Sara into your home.
She's beyond special, Jordan, she said, some of the tension leaving
her body. She's
she's ... Her head dropped down, and she sat
completely still for a moment. I don't have words for what she means to
me. I'm sorry I got pissed when you brought up Sara's being here, but when I think
of how I feel for Jamie, compared to how I felt for her
it's not even in
the same ball park. Yes, I loved Sara, but Jamie's my very life.
That's how you treat her, too, the blonde assured her.
Sometimes, Ryan mumbled softly. Not often enough.
We're all guilty of that, Jordan said. It's when you come close
to losing someone that you stand back and think of how you sometimes fail to appreciate
people like you should. She smiled gently at Ryan and said, I spend
a lot of time thinking about Mia. There have been so many opportunities that I've
let pass me by. Damn, Ryan, I've been in love with her almost from the start.
She lifted her head and gazed at her friend sadly. Why haven't I told her?
I can't answer that, Ryan said. But you can remedy your oversight
at any time, buddy.
I'm just
I'm just chicken, she muttered.
I think she loves you too, Jordan.
Jordan blushed deeply as she admitted, I think she's leaning in that direction.
God! I've never had anyone in my life act that happy to see me! It just made my
heart ache, Ryan, she said as she shook her head. I find out on Friday
if I make the team. Maybe once I know what my status is, I'll feel more confident
about talking to her about a commitment.
Are you planning on coming home to see her if you make the team?
Jordan shook her head glumly, No, I just can't swing it. I'll get paid if
I make the team, but this is all gratis now. I've been running through my money
really quickly since I can't stand to eat in the dorm. It's not bad food, but
it's dorm food, you know? We've been eating out almost every meal, and Colorado
Springs is expensive, she said. We're planning on spending New Year's
Eve talking on the phone, she said with a wry chuckle. Mia was thinking
about coming over, but I can't have her stay with me in the dorm. We'd have to
get a hotel room, and they're really expensive because of this millennium nonsense.
So we decided that she'd wait and come visit me if I make the team. Then I'll
have an apartment where we can have some privacy.
That sounds like a pretty grim way to see in the New Year, Ryan murmured,
her math conscience unwilling to incorrectly call it the new millennium.
Well, the good news is that if I get cut, I can take the last plane out
and be home for New Year's Eve. Of course, I'll be so depressed, I'll feel like
killing myself!
I don't think that's a very good plan, Ryan said as she shook her
head. I think you should plan to do something that you would enjoy -- no
matter what happens. She reached into her side pocket and pulled out a slightly
rumpled envelope, handing it to Jordan with a smile.
What's this
? she began, but quickly stared at Ryan in slack
jawed surprise. Miami? she asked slowly. But why
?
That's just the first stop, Ryan said. Jamie's mom found us
a great hotel in the Bahamas, and we want you and Mia to join us. I can't think
of anyone I'd rather see the New Year in with than you two.
But, Ryan, she said weakly, this is just so
so incredibly
generous
Would you like to come? Ryan asked as she lowered her gaze and stared
into Jordan's eyes.
Of course!
That's all that matters, Ryan said. It will really make it special
for us to have our best friends with us. She smiled up at her friend, and
gasped a bit as Jordan threw her arms around her and squeezed her tight.
This means more than I can ever tell you, she said. Not just
the trip, and not just the chance to be with Mia, but to be one of your close
friends. She couldn't stop the tears from falling as Ryan wrapped her in
a gentle embrace. They held each other close for a few minutes until Jordan pulled
back and let out a soft sob. I was so fucking scared for you guys last night,
she said as a shiver ran down her body. You both mean so much to me.
You mean a lot to us too, Jordan, and we're both going to try to be around
for a very long time.
That's my Christmas wish, she said softly, squeezing Ryan until her
ribs ached.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan caught Jamie's eye and gave her a 'thumbs up' sign that was really unnecessary
once the smaller woman caught sight of Jordan's beaming face.
They watched together as Jamie pulled Mia aside and broke the news to her. The
scream that the brunette let out shocked the entire room into momentary silence,
and every eye watched her scramble up the stairs to throw her arms around each
of the tall women on the second floor. By the time Jamie got upstairs, they all
shared a group hug for a few moments as the assembled audience returned to their
conversations.
Jumping up and down, Mia cried, We're gonna have so much fun!
Lying on the beach, swimming in the ocean
What's not to love?
Jordan asked.
I don't care if we have to make love in shifts to have some privacy,
Mia said.
No need, pal, Jamie said. We rented a little cottage with two
bedrooms and two baths. You two can howl all night long.
Mia grasped Jamie's face with both hands and vowed, You are my permanently
enshrined best friend!
The curly-haired woman leaned in and gave Jamie a very enthusiastic kiss right
on the mouth, and as she pulled back Jamie blinked her eyes to focus while she
murmured, Why didn't you do that in high school? I would have seen the light
years earlier!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Part 2
An hour later they were ensconced in a pew at St. Philip's with Martin and Maeve,
Catherine and Jim, Brendan and Maggie, Rory, Conor, Tommy and Annie, Sara, all
of the aunts and uncles, and three of the twelve cousins. Mia and Jordan had taken
Jennie and all of the loot back to Berkeley just before the crowd left for Mass,
and Ryan had little doubt as to what two of the three of them were doing right
then.
It took a few minutes for Ryan to get comfortable in the familiar old church,
site of every one of her Christmas eves. She was a little reticent to allow her
mind free rein since she was justifiably worried about what might float to the
top. But the travails of the previous two days lifted slightly and seemed to fade
into the distance after just a few minutes of stillness.
* * * * * * * * * * *
To the strains of Joy to the World, the congregants began to disperse.
The church had been filled to capacity, and as they hit the steps, Ryan sucked
in a deep breath of the cool, moist air and threw her head back, gazing up at
the stars for a moment.
Her partner came up beside her and softly asked, You seemed a little shaky
in there. Too close?
Yeah, Ryan said quietly, nodding her head. I've never liked
crowds, but since the uhm
accident
I feel a little claustrophobic.
It was starting to get to me.
Your hand felt clammy when I touched you a little while ago, Jamie
said as she searched Ryan's face for an indication of how upset she was. Why
didn't you get up and come outside for a breath of air?
Mmm
I don't like to give in to things like that, Ryan said
dismissively. It's just mind over matter. She stretched again, and
Jamie could nearly see the stiffness that had settled in her muscles. She knew
that her partner was feeling very sore, but Ryan refused to even acknowledge her
pain although she religiously took her muscle relaxants every six hours,
an act Jamie knew was a massive concession to the signals her body was sending
out.
Looking around at the large crowd they were with, Ryan cast a speculative look
at her father-in-law. He had been doing his best to fit in with the family ever
since the incident, and she had to admit that it was more than odd to see him
in the group. Having him attend Mass was weird enough, but when he and Catherine
got to his car, he offered a happy wave and said, See you at home, girls.
Did I miss something? Ryan asked quietly as the assembled throng walked
back towards the O'Flaherty house. Your dad acts like he's living with your
mom again.
I think we did miss something, Jamie said, her face scrunched up in
a puzzled frown. I don't know what's going on, but I suppose there's only
one way to find out.
Jim had insisted that the young women drive his Range Rover, and they'd stowed
their overnight bags in the car on the way to Mass. It was now parked in the drive,
and they paused in front of it to say their goodbyes, anxious to get going on
their drive to Hillsborough. It was hard for Ryan to say goodbye to her father
having never been away from him on Christmas morning, but she muddled through
because this was important to Catherine and by extension, to Jamie.
As they settled themselves into the car, Ryan spent a few minutes adjusting the
mirrors and the electric seat to her preferences. As she pulled out she said,
Maybe we should just take this car off your dad's hands. I don't think he's
driven it in months, has he?
No, I don't think so, Jamie said. I guess we could, and I'm
sure he'd be happy to give it to us, but I don't know if that's such a good idea.
I think we need to maintain a little distance with him for a while. I mean
I don't think he'd use it for leverage if he was angry with us, but you never
know. She sighed heavily and said, I feel like I'm just learning who
he is. Much of what I knew about him before wasn't really accurate, and I just
don't want to step on any potential landmines.
Ryan nodded, understanding her lover's worry. Yeah, I didn't think of it
like that, but we probably should be more self-sufficient. Besides, she
said, grinning, you look like you're driving your daddy's car when
you're in this behemoth.
Jamie sniffed and tossed her head as she said, It doesn't fit my mature,
sophisticated image, does it?
Ryan smiled at her. I bet you're dreading another trip to the car dealer
with me, aren't ya? Especially after I assured you we wouldn't need to go again
until the wheels fell off the Lexus.
Maybe I'll just call Sandra, and ask her to find me a similar deal,
Jamie said. You haven't changed your mind about liking the car, have you?
No, I like it a lot. It's a nicer car than I ever dreamed of having, so
I'd be happy with a steady diet of Lexi. Ya think that's the plural?
Jamie smiled at her, recognizing that the question was rhetorical. Let's
wait until we get back from the Bahamas to decide what to do. We can use the Range
Rover until then.
Ryan gave her a startled look and placed her hand over her heart, feeling the
strong beat against her fingers.
What's wrong? Jamie asked, turning in her seat to look closely at
her.
I'm just checking to make sure I'm in the right body, Ryan said, her
head shaking slowly. We're sitting in a Range Rover, talking about buying
a second Lexus but we have to wait until we return from our quick little
jaunt to Eleuthra to make up our minds. I know this is run-of-the-mill stuff for
you, but every once in a while it makes my head spin!
Jamie reached over and patted her leg, looking at her with warm concern. You
know, I have to admit that when we were first together I thought you were being
a little silly about the money thing, she said, but after being a
part of your family for six months, I've gotten a very different perspective.
I see how your family looks at money as almost incidental to their happiness
rather than as a requirement. Do you know what I mean?
Yes, I do, Ryan said. That's it exactly. I mean, yes, it's gonna
be marvelous to lie on a pink sand beach and soak up the sun after the bitch of
a time we've had lately. But I could honestly be just as happy with a bottle of
bubble bath, our tub, and a delivered pizza. It's the quality of the relationship
that matters not the accoutrements.
We're agreed. Casting a glance at her partner, Jamie followed up with
a question. Given that you'd be happy at home, why did you so willingly
jump on the bandwagon about our vacation?
Ryan smiled and said, I'm not averse to being pampered. We've had a tough
time a lot tougher as of last night and getting away from the madness
at this point is one of the things that's helping me keep it together. I'm clinging
to the thought of this trip like a life raft. She shook her head briskly,
trying to banish the recurrent images that were on the verge of overwhelming her
again. Consciously trying to focus on their upcoming trip, she said, I know
I act like a Spartan sometimes, but I like creature comforts as much as the next
guy. I'm looking forward to being spoiled a little. My only reservation is that
I don't ever want to get to a place where I need pampering to feel happy. I would
be very, very disappointed in myself if that ever happened.
I can't see that happening. I grew up thinking I needed stuff to be happy,
and you've shown me that I don't. If I can be converted to the good side, it's
clearly the better way.
Giving her a wide grin, Ryan said, Welcome to the team, babe.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan had the moon roof open, hoping the cold air would help her to stay awake,
and they were singing Christmas carols as they drew near Hillsborough. The dark
head lifted as she heard the distinctive whine of a helicopter. Do the police
search for many fleeing felons around here?
No, I've never seen a helicopter here. Maybe there's an accident on the
freeway.
Freeway's that way, Ryan said, jerking her head in the opposite direction.
That one's over residences.
Jamie peered at the chopper, noticing it had the emblem for the local ABC affiliate
on the tail. With eyes wide she looked at Ryan in dismay. You don't think
As they came closer to the house, their fears were confirmed. The street was so
filled with cars, vans and news trucks, that they had a very difficult time even
getting up to the driveway entrance. Two uniformed Hillsborough police officers
were blocking the drive, but when they spotted the Range Rover, they lifted the
barricades and signaled Ryan to approach. She rolled down the window and exchanged
grim looks with the officer.
We've kept them off the property, ma'am, but there's only two of us. I suggest
you park close to the house and make a dash for it.
She nodded, cursing under her breath as they rolled the car up as close as they
could get to the front door. As they got out, the reporters started yelling questions
at them, their voices growing more frantic when the door opened and Jim dashed
out, helping them in with their bags.
Jamie was shaken by the feeding-frenzy, and she stood in the doorway shivering
as her father closed the door on the stunningly bright lights that were aimed
at them. Why are they following us? What do they want? Catherine walked
over to her daughter and wrapped her in a hug, holding on tightly until she could
feel the trembling body stop shaking.
Maybe I need to get my office involved, Jim said, his brow furrowed
in concentration. You could record a statement, then we could play it for
everyone with equal access. That might satisfy them.
Ryan walked into the living room and sank onto one of the sofas, shaking her head
the entire time. She looked at her partner and said, Jamie, you can do what
you want, but I'm not talking to anyone
ever. They can follow me to the
grave.
Jamie knew that her partner meant business, and she turned her gaze from Ryan
to her father, and then back again. Making a decision, she said, I'm with
Ryan, Daddy. You can make a statement about us being safe and all of that public
relations crap, but we're not going to talk.
Jim's severe expression softened, and he came over to perch on the edge of the
coffee table so that he could look at both young women at once. I appreciate
your feelings on this, but you're public figures now even though you don't
want to be. Particularly you, Jamie. I know you didn't ask for this, but as the
daughter of a senator, you come under heightened scrutiny.
She leveled her gaze at him, grasping Ryan's hand as she did so. They can
scrutinize us all they want. I won't participate in it. This was a terrifying
experience for both of us, and talking about it in public will make it even more
upsetting. We're not going to budge on this, Daddy. I'm sorry. She brought
her partner's hand to her lips and kissed it lightly, feeling some of the tension
leave it. Privately, she thought her father had a point, but she knew that Ryan
was not the sort of woman who could bear to have strangers intrude on her or her
family, and she had no intention of doing anything but support her without question.
He folded his hands and looked down at them for a moment. Don't apologize.
I think it might go away sooner if you talk, but I could be wrong. You have to
do what you think is right. Getting up from the table, he walked to the
small bar in the living room and said, Cognac, anyone? My nerves are shot!
I'm game, Ryan said. Jamie and Catherine declined, with Jamie having
only a momentary desire to remind Ryan she was taking medication. She quashed
the urge, though, deciding that she didn't want to supervise her partner. The
foursome sat in the quiet room for a few minutes, gazing idly at the elaborate
decorations, while the low buzz of generators and helicopters provided the nerve-jangling
background noise.
* * * * * * * * * * *
They were settled in their room by two a.m., both so tired they were dead on their
feet. Ryan was busily brushing her teeth as she asked, Who was that reasonable,
passive man who was in the living room with us?
I haven't a clue, Jamie said, He's a source of constant surprise,
isn't he? She walked into the bath to wash her face, staring at her tired
and haggard image for a moment. I'm just glad that mother didn't drink today,
she said quietly. She apologized to me this afternoon, by the way. She was
really ashamed of herself.
Yeah, it was bad last night, Ryan said, not elaborating further. She
had seen Catherine tipsy before, but never blind-drunk, and it was an experience
she hoped she never had to revisit. She knew that the terror of the night provided
a very good reason to drink, and she had to admit that she would have likely done
the same in Catherine's situation, but it was still jarring and unpleasant to
see the woman she had come to love be so out-of-control.
Jamie stood in the doorway of the bath, looking out the window as she reflected,
It wasn't bad when I was young, but I think she's been that way many times
in recent years. Occasionally I would call home, and she would claim that I woke
her but it would be the middle of the afternoon, or early in the evening.
I think she was too drunk to talk to me. The next time we'd talk she wouldn't
mention it so I can only assume she didn't remember.
I hope she can cut back on her own, Ryan said softly, but if
she can't, we're going to have to get involved.
Involved? Jamie asked, unconsciously moving back a step.
Yeah. We can work with her therapist to do an intervention if we have to.
She approached Jamie and placed her hands on her waist, looking into her eyes.
Your mom is not going to cut her life short while we stand by and watch.
Bu
Jamie blinked at her partner in surprise. You can't
make someone stop if they don't want to, Ryan. This isn't one of those things
you can force your will on.
I know that, Ryan said. Remember, I watched my Uncle Charlie
drink himself to death. We were all involved, and he had more support, and more
chances at staying sober than most. He wasn't able to accept the help he
was just too far gone, and he hated himself too much. Ryan gazed into her
partner's eyes and said, I don't see that level of destructiveness in your
mom. I think it would really help to let her see how her drinking affects you
if it comes to that.
Jamie looked up at her, a worried frown slowly etching itself onto her face. Do
you think I should have been talking to her about her drinking before now?
No, no, I don't. I think she's just now becoming receptive to the idea of
trying to control it. It's hard to make a dent when the person isn't self-aware.
Jamie hugged her tightly and asked the question that had been floating around
in her mind for quite a while. Do you think I should stop drinking?
Ryan took a breath and decided to be completely honest, having given the matter
a good deal of thought. I think it would be easy very easy -- for
you to become an alcoholic, Jamie. If I were you, I would never drink to excess,
or start to rely on alcohol to calm down, or help you sleep. I think you're genetically
programmed towards alcoholism, and it wouldn't take much to push you over.
She nodded, revealing, Anna says the same thing. She thinks I should be
very careful.
I always liked that Anna, Ryan said. She cares about my best
girl.
* * * * * * * * * * *
After lying in bed, tossing and turning, Ryan finally decided to get up. She didn't
want to wake her partner with her movements, but given the depth of Jamie's sleep,
she had to admit that wasn't her primary motivation for rising.
She was struggling with an unfamiliar curiosity about the members of the press
who had put the rest of the world's news on hold to focus on her and Jamie
even though she was certain that knowing the motivations of the reporters would
not make her feel better. The newspeople were holding her and Jamie hostage either
because their editor told them to be there, or because they were free-lancers
who smelled a big payoff if they could be the one to get the women to break their
silence. It was really as simple as that, but the reality of the situation didn't
make her feel any better.
Slipping into sweats and a T-shirt, she walked down the dimly lit hall, finding
herself pulled towards a full-story-high, leaded glass window that graced the
center of the second floor. She had been drawn to the window the first time she
saw it, the golden light that flooded the hallway on a sunny day very appealing
to her. Two upholstered wingback chairs flanked the window, and she sat in one,
drawing her feet up on the substantial cushion and locking her arms around her
shins.
The lights from the news vans had not dimmed, and her second floor perspective
allowed her to get a much better view than she had been able to glimpse when they
were rushing into the house. Her thoughts were vague and unfocused, her mind trying
to understand something that she was wholly unprepared to comprehend. She had
never had much interest in the celebrities the media created, and she was frankly
puzzled by the people who were interested in them. She didn't understand what
she or Jamie could say that would in any way have an impact on a stranger's life.
Her mind was idly wondering if the public really cared, or if the news conglomerates
just believed they did, when Jim came up and placed his hand on her shoulder.
She jerked around in startled surprise, not having heard him approach.
Having trouble sleeping? he asked.
Yeah. I'm trying to understand why in the hell those guys would rather be
here than with their families on Christmas morning.
That's a tough one, he said, taking the other chair. Having
the press here is making this much harder for you, isn't it, Ryan?
She nodded quickly, turning her attention back to the street. I almost lost
two of the most important people in my world
not to mention almost dying
myself
and now I'm expected to share my feelings about that with a bunch
of strangers? Why? What do they want? Her head dropped to rest upon her
knees, and he felt his heart go out to the normally self-assured young woman,
seeing in her troubled eyes a vulnerability that was striking and completely surprising.
I truly don't know, he said softly. Maybe people want to believe
there are heroes
We're
not
heroes, she said, biting the words off. Wouldn't
you do anything in your power to save Jamie's life? That's not heroic. It's just
doing what anyone would do in the same circumstance.
He shook his head briefly, his lips curling into a smile. I know that's
how you feel, Ryan, but it's not reality. Very few people could have held
onto that car
and that's if they were gently placed upon it. Very few people
would have willingly climbed into a moving car bearing two gun-wielding men like
Jamie did no matter who was inside. I know this makes you uncomfortable,
but your actions were very heroic.
Ryan nodded to show that she heard him, but she didn't agree. When you love
someone, you don't think of yourself first, Jim.
Her bright blue eyes glowed from the light that entered the window, and he could
feel the determination radiating from their depths. In a rare flash of self-awareness,
he was struck by the sacrifice this young woman had been willing to make for his
daughter. A stab of regret lodged in his chest when he considered his actions
of the previous months, finally forced to acknowledge that he had fabricated every
worry, every fear that he had ever expressed about Ryan. His shame was so great
that he was unable to speak. Standing up, he approached the young woman tentatively,
then leaned over and kissed her on the top of the head, ruffling her hair lightly
before he turned and walked down the hall.
Ryan stayed right where she was, shaking her head at the thoughts that rolled
through her mind. She was so intent that she almost missed the soft tread coming
down the hall. Flicking her head briefly, she saw Catherine, in a satin nightgown
and robe, walking down the hall
presumably towards Jim's room. The older
woman didn't seem to notice her, and for that Ryan was glad. Oh boy! she
groaned inwardly. Why am I the one who always sees him with women he shouldn't
be with?
* * * * * * * * * * *
Her soft knock was met with an immediate, Come in. Catherine cracked
the door open, and poked her head into her husband's room. Am I disturbing
you? she asked quietly.
No, no, I just came up. He smiled a little and said, I've had
so much cognac, I can't understand how I'm still standing, but I can't seem to
relax.
She entered the room and walked over to the dresser, leaning against it as she
said, It must be contagious. I can't even keep my eyes closed.
His eyes took on a shy glint as he asked, Want some company?
She nodded, feeling embarrassed, but overwhelmingly needy. Not having had a drink
all day made her feel raw and bruised her feelings much too close to the
surface for her comfort. Not wanting to be rude, but determined that he not get
the wrong idea, she said, Just company, Jim. Do you understand that?
He nodded, and extended his hand. She walked towards him and let him envelop her
in a warm hug. I could use some company, too, he said. It's
lonely in this big room.
She removed her robe and slid into bed, waiting for him to strip down to his boxers
and T-shirt. He climbed in and held his arm out, smiling when she cuddled up against
him in a long-familiar embrace. This is nice, he said, his voice very
soft. It feels right.
She didn't comment, knowing he was referring to more than the closeness. Even
though her heart knew it was dangerous to share this intimacy, her wounded psyche
needed the comfort so badly that she allowed her body to relax and drift off to
sleep in a matter of moments, feeling safe for the first time in two days.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When Jamie went downstairs on Christmas morning, she was pleased to find Ryan
entertaining Marta while the cook iced a tray of her famous cinnamon rolls. When
the older woman saw Jamie, she wiped her hands and dashed across the room, enveloping
her in a bruising embrace. I am so thankful you are safe, Cariña.
I have never been so worried in my life.
We're fine, Marta, Jamie said, holding on tight. As the older woman
released her, Jamie shook her head a little. I don't know how we're
fine but we're fine.
God protected you, Marta said, the answer obvious to the woman who
held such a fervent belief in an omnipotent being.
I suppose that's true, Jamie said, not having any reason to dispute
Marta's contention. She crossed the room and gave Ryan a kiss on the forehead,
asking, And when did you get up? Your side of the bed was cold when I woke.
A while ago, Ryan said, not wanting to tell her partner that she'd
barely slept a wink. I could smell Marta's cooking, and I had to come down
so I wouldn't miss anything.
She's been up for hours, Marta said, busting Ryan completely. I
don't think she slept, Jamie. Look at the circles under her eyes. The cook
was giving Ryan a concerned look, but she shrugged it off.
I'm fine, she said. We've just had a tough couple of days. I'm
sure I'll be back to normal as soon as we get out of this fishbowl.
Are they still here? Jamie asked, not having checked on her way downstairs.
Yeah, Ryan said, her smile fading. I know they won't stay forever,
but this is a slow news week, so we're probably still the biggest local story.
Lucky us, Jamie said, smiling thinly.
Jim came into the kitchen as they were discussing the matter, and he obviously
overheard the last part of their conversation. Morning, girls, Marta,
he said, appearing very businesslike. I had an idea.
What's that, Daddy?
I'm considering going to federal court to ask for a temporary restraining
order to keep the wolves from our door.
Jamie's eyebrows shot up as she stared at her father. Can you do that?
Well, the courts don't like to limit press access, as you know, but given
that I'm a senator, I thought I could use an argument about my personal safety.
It wouldn't take much ingenuity to figure out where our house is
any crackpot
could come to Hillsborough and drive around until they saw the news vans.
Well who feels better? Jamie asked with false brightness. Now
we get to worry about lunatics picking us off with high-powered rifles!
Jim looked nonplussed for a moment, then his self-assured demeanor returned and
he conceded, It might be a little ambitious to expect to make much headway
with the federal courts on Christmas Day. I don't know about you two, but it's
the helicopters that are making me crazy.
Count me in, Ryan said. They're why I couldn't sleep.
Pursing his lips in thought, he said, I'm going to make a few calls. I might
not be able to force them to stop, but I think I have enough influence to convince
them to stop voluntarily.
Ryan knew that her version of voluntarily and Jim's version differed markedly,
but for once, she didn't mind if he used strong-arm tactics to accomplish his
goal.
What about the nuts out there who have already seen an aerial view of our
house? Jamie asked, finding herself slightly panicked at the thought.
I'm going to hire someone to guard the house, Jim said. Obviously,
no one could get past the news vans to threaten us today, but I don't want your
mother and Marta here alone after we all leave.
Where don't you want me? Catherine asked as she walked into the kitchen,
fully dressed and ready for the day.
I'm going to hire security to watch the house for a few weeks until this
dies down.
If you think it's necessary, go right ahead, Jim, but I'm leaving for Italy
tomorrow, and I was going to see if Marta wanted to go stay with her sister until
I get back. Would Helena have somewhere to go if she didn't stay here, Marta?
Yes, her son has an apartment in San Jose. She could stay there.
Would you like to leave? Jim asked, turning to Marta.
Yes, yes, I would, she said quietly. It is frightening to have
those people outside.
Jim nodded, then looked at his wife for a long minute. How long will you
be gone?
Not very. Just a couple of weeks.
He nodded again, looking like he wanted to say more, but obviously choosing not
to.
Jamie spoke up, I don't think it's worth it to try to force the press to
leave, Daddy. We're leaving after dinner, so most of them will follow us.
She shivered involuntarily as she considered that scenario.
I think I'll call home and see how bad it is there, Ryan said. She
picked up the nearby phone and dialed her home, where Kevin picked up on the first
ring. Hey, Kev, Merry Christmas.
Hi, Ryan, Merry Christmas to you, too. How's it going?
Good. I just wanted to see if the press was there. There's a boatload of
the bast
jerks down here, she said, catching her profanity before
it got all the way out.
Yeah, there are a few guys outside here, too. Not many, though. They're
gathered over in front of the Necessaries, drinking coffee. My mother wanted to
make them some breakfast, he said. I don't think she understands that
they're like stray dogs
if you feed 'em they're yours forever!
She can't help her good heart, Ryan said. Are she and my da
over there?
Not now. They came for breakfast, and then they went to Tommy's. You can
catch them there if you need them.
No, I'll talk to them later. Just checking to see if things are still crazy.
No crazier than normal, he said. Be careful coming home, Ryan.
Call us when you're close, and we'll come down to keep the reporters away from
you.
Will do, Kevin. Love you.
I love you too, Ryan. See you tonight.
She hung up and shrugged her shoulders. It doesn't sound like it's too bad
there. I guess that means they'll follow us tonight.
God, I wish we could prevent that, Jamie said, sighing as she sank
into a chair.
Her father stood and announced with a determined look in his eye, No one
will follow you tonight. I don't know how we'll do it, but we're getting you out
of here sight unseen.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan needed a little alone time after breakfast, so they went outside into the
garden. They sat upon a wooden bench placed under a substantial arbor, the structure
and the foliage shielding them from one pesky helicopter that had obviously spotted
them when they walked outside. Ryan looked at her partner, her eyes a little watery.
We haven't even wished each other a Merry Christmas yet. This is just so
weird, Jamie. It doesn't seem like Christmas at all. Grunting softly, she
said, Actually, it doesn't seem like we're in our own lives.
Leaning forward, Jamie placed a tender kiss on her lips. Merry Christmas,
honey. She wrapped her in a hug and held on for a long while, still able
to feel the tension flowing from her lover's body. How did it seem at your
house and at church last night? Was that familiar?
Yeah, that was better, she said. I guess it's just weird because
I'm used to my Christmas routine. Leaving home has me a little mixed up.
Are you unhappy we came? the blonde asked, gripping her hand.
No, not at all. It would have been weird at home, too. It can't help but
be weird when there are news vans and helicopters hovering over your head. It's
unavoidable.
Jamie snuggled close and said, You know what I want to do?
What's that?
I want to fantasize a little. It's what I always did when I was little and
things started to bother me.
Fantasize? Ryan asked slowly, not really getting the point.
Yeah. I want to talk about what it will be like when we have our family.
How will we celebrate Christmas?
Ryan's wide smile indicated that Jamie had hit upon a very appealing topic. Ooo
that's a nice thought, she said. You know, I don't often think
about the future in specific terms.
Specific terms?
Yeah, like I don't think of how many kids we'll have, or what sex they'll
be, or things like that.
I just think about one, Jamie said, and she looks just like
you. She tilted her head and kissed Ryan softly. Jet-black hair and
sky blue eyes, and big for her age. Long, long arms and legs, and a smile that
could melt a glacier.
Ryan hugged her close and said, I want to have a baby who looks like you.
Those pictures of you when you were little are so precious. I love those pretty
green eyes, that adorable little smile, those pink cheeks. I'd really love to
give birth to a tiny little copy of you.
Probably won't happen, will it, sport?
Patting her belly, Ryan shook her head. I don't think I have any blonde-haired
genes in my arsenal, and dark hair is clearly dominant. I might be able to come
up with some green eyes, though, she said. That would be sweet.
I just want to raise a child with you, Ryan. It doesn't matter who he or
she looks like. It's just fun to fantasize.
It is, Ryan said. It reminds me that one day this will all fade,
and we'll be back to normal, too.
So, how do you want to celebrate Christmas when we have our family? Any
ideas?
Well, I know that I was very happy with the way my family did it. I'd be
willing to copy the whole shebang. But we need to incorporate your traditions.
What's important to you?
Was Santa Claus big in your family? Jamie asked.
No, not really. I don't remember ever believing, although I guess I did.
How about you?
Oh, yeah, she said. I'd still believe today if I could get away
with it.
Really? Ryan said. I didn't know that about you.
Yeah, oh yeah. I loved myths and fables. I'm sure I knew Santa was an allegory
or a symbol from early on
And knowing you, that's exactly the verbiage you used when you thought about
it, Ryan said, giving her a playful tickle.
Jamie sniffed at her. Not quite, but you aren't far from wrong. She
patted her on the thigh, and continued, Anyway, I loved to allow myself
to believe. I hope our kids have the ability to conjure up a belief in something
like that something that represents hope and generosity, and the kindness
of human beings.
Well, the Irish are well known for their belief in fables and imaginary
creatures, Ryan said. I read once where something like 30% of the
country believed in fairies.
Cool, Jamie said. With your fairy-believing genes, and my imagination,
our kids will be completely ungrounded in reality.
That's not a bad place to be, Ryan said, wishing she had the ability
to transport herself to the land that had no reporters.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Charles arrived around noon, looking frazzled from the media crush. This
has gotten so ridiculously out of control, he said, his face flushed with
anger. Can't anything be done, Jim?
I've done all that I know how to do, Dad, the younger man said, shrugging
his shoulders helplessly.
They've made a mockery of the First Amendment, he grumbled.
The unhappy five-some sat in the living room, speaking little until Catherine
spoke up. Look, we can either sit here and feel violated, or we can just
ignore them. They can't come into the house
and we're not going out there
so let's celebrate a little. The girls made it through an unbelievable
ordeal
they're safe and whole
Isn't that a cause for celebration?
It most certainly is, Charles said. Catherine's absolutely right.
Let's not let the vultures ruin our day. Actually, it's so nice outside, let's
have our dinner outdoors. We might feel less cooped up that way.
Great idea, Charles, Catherine said. I don't know how Jim did
it, but the helicopters have miraculously disappeared. She gave him a look
that was a mixture of gentle disapproval, and fond regard. I'll ask Helena
to set the outdoor table.
* * * * * * * * * * *
How about a walk in the garden while Helena and Marta get set up?
Charles asked Jamie.
Sure, Poppa. I can't guarantee that we won't be strafed while we're out
there, though. I don't hear anything now, but
I can handle it, he said, draping his arm around her shoulders, as
long as they won't bother you.
No, I'm all right with it. It's a little nerve jangling, but they don't
bother me that much. They walked outside, leaving Ryan to help Marta in
the kitchen, which seemed to calm the frazzled woman a little.
Blessedly, the helicopters were nowhere in sight, causing Jamie to let out a sigh
of relief. Thank God, she said, lifting her eyes heavenward. Ryan
might be able to calm down a little.
She doesn't look well, Charles said. Frankly, that surprises
me. I view Ryan as being utterly resilient.
Normally she is, Jamie said. But something about the incident
is really terrorizing her, Poppa, and I can't figure out what it is.
Well, I can think of a number of things about it that would terrorize me,
he said. She wouldn't be human not to be very, very disturbed by the entire
mess.
Of course, she said. But it's more than that, Poppa. She's more
upset than I am significantly more and that worries me. She doesn't
seem like herself.
I would tend to agree, sweetheart. Maybe it's time to seek some professional
help.
She rolled her eyes, saying, I've broached the subject a few times, but
she's not buying. I'm going to wait and see how she is when we return from Eleuthra,
and if she's not better I'll blindfold her and drag her to a therapist.
Well, now that we have Ryan's future planned, let's talk about yours,
he said, smiling warmly. How are you feeling, honey?
Mmm
about like you'd expect. I'm not sleeping well, I've been having
nightmares, I'm easily irritated, and I feel like buying a machine gun and moving
down all of the reporters who followed us down here. But other than that, I feel
pretty good, she said, smiling back at him.
For what you went through, I'm pretty amazed by how well you seem to be
handling it. I've been worried that you were repressing all of your feelings,
but it doesn't seem like you are.
No, I'm really not, she said. What happened was horrible, Poppa,
but I feel good about what I did in response. Does that make sense?
I think so, he said, nodding. Tell me more.
She took in a breath, pausing before a stately pink camellia bush that she had
always admired. I think I handled myself very well, Poppa, she said
quietly. I did something that was very brave, and I feel good about myself
for doing it.
He wrapped his arm around her and gave her a very gentle hug, remembering that
her ribs were sore. As I told you last night, honey, I'm enormously proud
of you. You were only concerned with Caitlin and Ryan's safety, and that's a terrifically
selfless act.
It was, she said, and I take solace in the fact that I did everything
possible to protect both of them. If I'd frozen and let them take Caitlin I don't
think I'd be in very good shape, no matter how it turned out in the end. I was
put through a crucible, Poppa, and I feel like I did very well. Knowing that has
helped me get through the last two days. I don't have any regrets all I
have to deal with is the trauma of what other people did to me.
I understand, he said. Knowing that you did everything possible
to save yourself and those you love has to be very reassuring.
It is. I think the knowledge that I can trust my instincts will get me through
a lot of tough times, Poppa. I feel like I've grown up a little in the past few
days like I'm more of an adult now.
You've been an adult for a while, Jamie, he said. The last few
days have merely underscored what a competent adult you are.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When the table was set, the group moved outdoors. The warm sun and moderate temperatures
helped everyone relax, and soon they'd nearly forgotten about the pack of reporters
still baying at the front gate. Jamie decided that she should put in a call to
her father's sisters, and brought out her new cell phone to do so, then realized
that she didn't have either of them programmed into her directory. Jim didn't
have the numbers memorized, but Charles had his small address book in his suit
jacket and he provided them.
Ryan listened as her partner spoke to the women, neither of whom she knew much
about. Jamie had received Christmas cards from both of them, and when Ryan handed
them to her she had commented that she didn't recognize either of the names or
the addresses. A flash of guilt had struck Jamie when she realized that she knew
Ryan's uncles and aunts, and even some of the aunts' extended families, while
Ryan had never even heard her mention her own aunts' names.
It wasn't that Jamie didn't care for her family; she just hadn't been around either
of her aunts much, and knew very little about them. Her aunt Barbara was four
years older than Jim, and she lived in Kansas, where she taught high school English.
She had never married, but Jamie knew she had a long-term boyfriend. Barbara traveled
during her summer vacations, but she had never managed to stop in San Francisco
during her frequent travels. In fact, Jamie had seen her aunt approximately three
times in her entire life, and she wasn't sure she could pick her out in a crowd.
Jim's eldest sister, Jean, was seven years older than he, and lived in Chicago.
She and her husband, Robert Spencer, had two sons, Mark and Chris, both of whom
were older than Jamie. She had met the family several times, the last occasion
when Chris got married two years earlier, but they had never been close, either.
After Jamie spoke to each of the women, Jim got on the phone to wish them each
a Merry Christmas.
While Jim was speaking, Catherine said to Jamie, I heard from nearly all
of the members of the Dunlop clan yesterday, honey. They were all appropriately
horrified about the carjacking and send their regards.
That's a pithy summary, the younger woman said, chuckling.
I'd be happy to go into an extended recital of their comments, Catherine
said. But I can't imagine that you'd like to hear it.
No, thanks, Jamie said. I can only imagine that you got a long
lecture on the evils of the lower class.
Something like that, Catherine said. You uncle David thinks
you're mad to drive yourself anywhere, so he in particular thinks you were asking
for trouble merely by being in a car without an armed driver.
Jamie turned to her partner, her mouth curled into a grin. What do you think,
honey? Should we hire a full-time driver?
Sure. I've already shown I can hang onto the roof of a car, and I'll need
to when you and the driver take up both seats in the Boxster.
* * * * * * * * * * *
After some persuasion, Catherine had agreed not to buy gifts for the girls, but
Jim wasn't a party to that pact, so after he got off the phone he brought out
a few boxes, neatly wrapped.
Jamie ran into the house and brought out the few small things she had purchased
for her father and grandfather, and they opened their gifts, sitting by the pool
with the warm December sun shining down on them.
Ryan was surprised and pleased to open her box to find a set of stainless-steel
chef's knives. She removed one of the beautifully balanced blades and stared at
it for a long time.
Wow, that's gorgeous, Jamie said, giving her father a smile.
When I was at your house for dinner I noticed that Ryan was left handed,
and I know that most knives are made for righties, he said. I checked
around, and found a Japanese company named Global that makes some of their professional
knives in a left-handed model. If you're going to cook, you need to have the right
tools, he said.
Ryan gave him a broad smile and said, As nice as these are, the bigger gift
is that you noticed I was left handed, and tried to buy me something to make my
life a little easier. I really appreciate that, Jim.
He blushed a little under her praise, but managed to maintain his near-casual
air. Oh, it wasn't a big deal, Ryan. I just hope you enjoy them.
I will, she said. She got up and went over to his chair, leaned over
and kissed him lightly, smiling at the slightly stunned look on his face. Thank
you.
Y
You're welcome, he said, his face now bordering on crimson.
Taking pity on her husband, Catherine said, Your turn, Jamie. Maybe you
have a matching set for right-handers.
Oh, I don't need knives, she said, wrinkling her nose at her partner.
Ryan's doing all of the cooking from now on.
Jamie opened her gift, discovering a complex-looking digital camera made
for underwater photography. She looked at it in wonder for a moment before her
father said, I thought you'd enjoy being able to take some pictures while
you're in the Bahamas. I can't imagine you two won't be snorkeling every chance
you get.
Oh, Daddy, this is so thoughtful! Jamie said. Thanks for remembering
how much I love photography.
I can still smell the chemicals coming out of the bathroom in the pool house,
he said, recalling the darkroom his daughter had set up when she was in high school.
I'll send you some pictures from the Bahamas if we take our computer with
us, Jamie said as she rose from her chair, and walked around the table to
kiss her father.
I can't think of a better time for the two of you to get away, Charles
said, still anxious about the hovering media.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to getting down to North Carolina, Ryan
said. I think this is mostly local media that's been following us, so it
should die down once we're gone.
Jim was quiet during the last few minutes of their conversation, and he got a
knowing look in his eye as he said, Sitting out here has given me an idea.
Let me make a phone call, girls. I may have figured out half of your problem.
He returned a few minutes later, looking very pleased with himself. An unmarked
police car will pick you up at the rear service gate whenever you wish to leave,
he said.
I didn't think of the back gate! Jamie said.
Back gate? Ryan asked.
Yeah
for the gardeners, and access for the tennis court and pool
maintenance services. The good news is that the gate is on another road, and that
road doesn't pass by the house.
Excellent! Ryan said. Now it's time for me to make a few calls.
As she got up, she surveyed Jamie's outfit and said, For my plan to work
you're going to have to change clothes.
Change clothes?
Yep. My plan involves a little fence climbing.
She turned and walked away, leaving Jamie to roll her eyes. I think I like
your half of the plan a little better than Ryan's, Daddy.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Dinner was finished by three o'clock, and the young women decided that they should
get going
hoping that the mid-afternoon timing would catch some of the
reporters by surprise.
Ryan had packed their gifts in one of Jamie's backpacks, but they left everything
else at the house so they would be unhindered during their adventure. They stood
by the upper gate in their sweats and their running shoes as they waited for their
ride. Are you sure that you'll be all right? Catherine asked. I'm
really very concerned about you traipsing through people's back yards.
I spoke to everyone involved, Ryan said. These are friends as
well as neighbors, Catherine. They'll protect us.
All right, she said, wrapping her daughter in a hug. She looked up
at Ryan while she held Jamie and said, I don't know why I worry. You're
proven to be a very competent bodyguard.
She is that, Jamie said, sighing deeply.
The police car pulled up, and after an emotional farewell they took off for the
city, both young women dropping their heads down below the level of the windows,
just in case. I'm starting to feel like we're the lesbian version of Linda
Tripp and Monica Lewinsky, Ryan muttered.
I might feel like I deserved the scrutiny if I'd been having sex with the
President or taping my phone conversations with my friend, Jamie grumbled,
her voice muffled by her contorted position.
I doubt it, but I get your point, Ryan said.
We're on El Camino Real now, ladies, the officer said. I think
you can sit up." They both did so, with Ryan spending a long time stretching
in her seat, the awkward position obviously hard on her muscles. So, how
are you both feeling? he asked.
We're fine, Ryan said. Happy to be going home.
He turned around briefly and gave her a winning smile, asking, What was
it really like up on that roof, Ryan? Jesus, that was the bravest thing I ever
saw a civilian do.
She smiled thinly at him and said, I lived it once, Officer. Once was enough.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The police officer dropped them off at a small house two streets from the O'Flaherty
manse. Ryan ran up to the front door and rang the bell, smiling when an elderly
man opened it. Hi, Mr. Regan. Ready for the mad dash?
Come in here and let me take a look at you, Siobhán, he said,
pulling her in and giving her a hug. I never see your pretty face around
the neighborhood. I don't even see you running any more. What's become of you?
Well, I'm in school over in Berkeley, so I'm not home very often. I'm on
the basketball team at Cal, and I do most of my exercising over there. Not much
time for running any more.
Basketball team, eh? he asked. Are you ever on the television?
Yes, as a matter of fact, our game against the University of North Carolina
is on Fox this weekend. Call my father and he'll tell you what channel that is,
okay?
Will do, Siobhán, he said. Now who's this shy little
one? he asked turning to Jamie.
This is my partner, Jamie Evans, Ryan said.
She's your partner in taking those dirty thugs off the street, he
said, his watery blue eyes narrowing.
That too, Ryan said. We'd better get going, Mr. Regan. The boys
will be outside by now.
All right, girls, he said, leading them through his small, cluttered
house. They got to the back door, and he hugged them both. You two take
care of yourselves. And you can use my yard any time you wish.
Thanks, Mr. Regan, Ryan said, and Jamie echoed her words. They scampered
down his wobbly stairs and crossed the small back yard, finding a smiling Kevin
standing next to the ivy choked fence, leaning against a tall ladder.
We thought you might prefer not having to scale a fence on your way home,
he said.
Hi, guys, Conor's voice called from the other side of the fence.
You two are godsends, Jamie sighed, looking at the rickety six-foot-tall
stockade fence.
Ryan climbed to the top of the ladder, then carefully stepped down the treads
on the other side of the fence. Her judicious moves signaled her bother that her
muscles were still complaining, and his offered hug was far gentler than normal.
Thanks for doing this, Con. I could have boosted Jamie, but we're both still
a little sore.
Playfully ruffling her hair, he said, Anything for you, sis.
Hey, she said, here's something you can do. Mr. Regan's back
steps are so bad he's gonna fall and break a hip. Will you fix them for him?
Sure, he said. You caught me in a generous moment.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Charles left Hillsborough not long after Jamie and Ryan, then Marta, and finally
Helena packed their bags and took off, leaving Jim and Catherine alone with the
swarm of reporters. It was just dusk, and they went into the living room to unwind.
Drink? he asked.
No, no, thanks, she said, wishing that she could grab the bottle and
guzzle it, but determined to keep her promise to herself to cut back to one drink
a day.
You didn't drink yesterday either, he said. Is that a conscious
choice?
She paused a moment, not sure of how much she felt safe revealing. Deciding that
she didn't want supervision in case she didn't toe the line, she said, I'm
just not in the mood, Jim. Taking a seat on one of the sofas, she kicked
off her shoes and tucked her feet up on the cushion. It's been a rough couple
of days, hasn't it?
Having your daughter's life in danger gives a whole new meaning to the word
rough, he said, shivering as he recalled the incident.
I don't think I could have gone on if we had lost her, Catherine said,
her face grimacing in pain at the mere thought. She was relaxed enough that some
of the fear and the terror she had felt that night started to break through, and
she began to cry. Jim moved to sit close, and wrapped his arms around her, letting
her get some of her feelings out and allowing a few of his own tears to slide
down his cheeks as well.
We didn't lose her, Cat. She's fine, and safe, and well. Don't let yourself
dwell on could-have-beens.
I've always loved her desperately, she said, her voice almost inaudible
through her tears. But now that I've come to know her better, I feel bonded
to her in a way I didn't know was possible. It would destroy me to lose that now,
she choked out in a rough, thin voice.
I know, sweetheart, he said, closing his eyes to fight back the tears.
I really do understand. She's given us both a second chance to be better
parents. God knows I didn't deserve one, but she's such a loving person that she's
even taken me back. Looking at her makes me so proud, Cat. She's the only thing
in my life that I'm genuinely proud of.
Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly down, I think of Jamie, and remind
myself that I've made a small contribution to the world by giving birth to her,
Catherine said, surprising herself by revealing something so personal to her husband.
You make my world a better place, he said softly, tightening his hold
on her body.
She didn't comment, not wanting to ruin the moment by injecting reality into the
situation. The phone rang, and she felt relieved to be able to get up and answer.
Her laughing voice filled the house as she spoke to her daughter, and Jim smiled
contentedly at both the sound and the obviously positive message that Catherine
was receiving.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Catherine knew that bedtime was going to be a trial, but even with this knowledge,
she couldn't make herself discuss their future. As expected, Jim got up and followed
her upstairs when she announced that she was going to bed. When they got to the
top of the stairs, he cocked his head as she said good night. Would you
like to sleep together again? he asked, trying to sound casual. It
really helped me last night. First good night's sleep I've had since Wednesday.
I uhm
I don't really think that's wise, Jim. Seeing the disappointment
in his green eyes, she reminded him, I'll be gone tomorrow, so we might
as well get used to sleeping alone tonight.
He placed his hands on her shoulders and drew her near. We don't have to
sleep alone, Catherine. Not tonight, or any other night. We can still give this
another try.
She shook her head slowly, glad that she had prepared herself for his offer. No,
we can't, Jim. Nothing has changed. We're supporting each other because of this
trauma, and I've been very grateful to have you here but now that it's
over, we need to move on.
But, Cat, why not try again with someone who loves you
who supports
you? You must trust me a little to have been so close to me the last few days.
Isn't that something to build on?
Nodding slightly, she admitted, Yes, of course that's something. It's just
not enough to build a relationship on. Especially not since we have so much emotional
baggage we're carrying.
Cat, I know that the biggest problem is my infidelity, but I swear
I swear I'm willing to give up other women for the rest of my life if you'll only
give me another chance.
She gave him a sad smile and placed her hand on his cheek. I know you didn't
mean it this way, but the way you framed that speaks to exactly what the problem
is. I didn't decide to give up other men when I married you. I stopped desiring
other men. That might sound like an exercise in semantics, but it's a very, very
meaningful difference for me. I don't want you to give up something you desire,
just to be with me. I'm unwilling to be with a man who doesn't desire me above
all others. She fixed him with an intense gaze and asked, Can you
honestly say that you desire me sexually more than any other woman? Do you want
me more than you want Kayla?
I haven't slept with her since the fall
he said, but she squeezed
his shoulder to interrupt him.
That's not what I asked. I asked who you desired more.
He was determined not to lie, even though every instinct demanded that he do so.
Images flashed through his brain of the youthful vigor of his young associate.
He thought of her passion for sex, her complete lack of inhibition, her willingness
to try anything that he asked for things that Catherine would likely faint
from the mere suggestion of. Trying to evade the question, he equivocated. That's
not a fair question, Catherine. Being in love with someone has so many elements
sex is just one of them. It seems unfair to base our future on that one
thing.
She nodded slowly. You may be right. It may be unfair
but it's how
I feel. I may be alone for the rest of my life, but the next man who shares my
bed is going to want me
and me alone.
As was so often the case, his mouth started to speak before he considered his
words. Is that true of your lover in Italy? I'm sure his wife wouldn't like
to think you were the only woman he desired.
Giving him a cold stare she said, You make a good point. I'll give that
some thought while I'm there. Turning abruptly, she said over her shoulder,
Good night.
He stared after her, painfully disgusted with himself. Maybe in the next
46 years you can learn to think before you talk!
* * * * * * * * * * *
The phone rang early on Sunday morning, and Ryan put the paper down and got up
from the breakfast table to answer it. Nollaig shona duit, she said,
her Irish accent in full force.
Siobhán, have you gone Gaelic on us? her father asked, laughing
heartily.
Nope. I decided to answer the phone wishing whoever was calling a Happy
Christmas. Anyone who knows me will recognize my voice
anybody else can
kiss my
Now, now, let's not start with the profanity on the day after the Savior's
birth, young lady.
She laughed and said, I am feeling a little feisty today. Some reporter
called earlier, and I said, 'Go n-ithe an cat thú is go n-ithe an diabhal
an cat,' before I hung up on him.
What does that mean, love?
That's one of Granny's favorites, Da. May the cat eat you, and may the cat
be eaten by the devil.
A lovely wish for the holiday season, he said with amusement. Your
aunt and I were heading off to Mass. Will you go with us?
I don't think so, Da. I'm not up to having flashbulbs popping in my face
today.
How bad is it?
Not too, she admitted. But only because they think we're still
in Hillsborough. I don't know what they'll do when Jim and Catherine leave today.
It's a bloody crime, he grumbled. You risk your lives to save
a child, and now you're hunted like a fox. It makes no sense.
I know, she said. I think you can come over here through the
front door, Da, but we've got an escape route through the neighbors' back yards.
We're not leaving the house in the traditional way until this is over.
We'll come by on the way to church. I miss you, he said.
I miss you too, Da, but I think we're going to stay in Berkeley after my
practice today. It's just too much hassle getting back and forth.
I understand, he said, but we'll miss you for dinner. How will
you get to Berkeley? Didn't you leave the car in Hillsborough?
Yeah, we did, but Jim's bringing it back over here. We're going to figure
out a way to meet up without detection.
Let me drive you over there, Martin said.
I don't even know where we're going to meet, Da. Besides, the reporters
know your car by now. Jim's gonna call us when he gets to the city, and we'll
decide what to do. She sighed and said, This is really a bitch, Da.
I share your feelings, darlin'. Not your words, of course, but I share your
feelings.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When he reached the city, Jim called from his cell phone. Where should we
meet? he asked.
They negotiated for a few minutes, and finally decided to meet at the Noe Tennis
Courts, located just off Diamond and 24th.
After traipsing through the neighbors' yards again, Jamie and Ryan managed to
make it to the park. Jim was right where he said he'd be, but he wasn't in the
Range Rover.
Ryan opened the rear door of the big, black BMW, and said, Nice wheels ya
got here. I noticed this the other night, but it was too chaotic to comment then.
Is it new?
Yes. My lease on my other car was expired, and I decided to go with a little
extra horsepower this time. Like it?
Very sweet, Ryan said as she sank into the black leather seat.
Really nice, Daddy, Jamie said, but how will we get to the Range
Rover?
I want you to drive this car, Jim said. It will take you anywhere
you want to go
a lot quicker than the Range Rover will.
I don't know, Jim, Ryan said as she scooted around in the unbelievably
comfortable rear seat. This is a little rich for my blood.
Nice back seat, isn't it? he asked, looking in the rear-view mirror.
Forty one inches of leg room.
That's just about what I need, she said. But I hate to take
your brand new car.
It's got
let's see
90 miles on it, Ryan, he said at
his glanced at the odometer. I'm almost ready to trade it in. He shot
her another glance and said, I'd feel better if you girls took this one.
This is the 750 iL Protection model. Bulletproof glass, run-flat tires, light
body armor. I don't think you'll need any of that, but this big V-12 will leave
anybody who's following you in the dust. He gave Jamie a grin and said,
Ask the idiots in the news van that tried to follow me to the airport to
drop your mother off. I lost them before we hit the freeway.
Ryan reached over the seat and patted his shoulder. I don't think I'll be
taking any evasive maneuvers in your car, Jim. What about you, honey? Feel like
drag-racing any reporters?
Unh-uh. No way.
So, it's settled, girls? You can leave the car at the airport when you go
on your trip.
We'll drive it until we leave, Ryan said. But Jamie will have
to go the airport alone. I have to ride the bleeping bus with my teammates to
get there. I'm sure Coach won't cut me a break just because of our little incident.
Would you like me to
?
No, Ryan said immediately, not sure what Jim was going to offer, but
quite sure that she wanted no part of it.
* * * * * * * * * * *
It sure would've been nice if I'd ever taken the time to get to know my
neighbors, wouldn't it? Jamie asked wryly as they sat at the end of their
block, mentally counting the cars double parked in front of the house.
Well, do you want to go to practice with me? Maybe we'll get a bright idea
while we're there.
Not many other options, she said with a shrug.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan trotted across the court, finding Coach Hayes chatting with Lynette. Lynette
immediately wrapped Ryan in a hug, and the coach even patted her on the shoulder,
displaying a rare degree of warmth. Good to see you're all right, Ryan.
Tough break. How are you -- physically?
Not great. I'm as stiff as a board, and I'm still taking muscle relaxants,
but I should be okay by the time we're ready to play in North Carolina.
She twitched her head towards the door of the gym and asked, Is it all right
for Jamie to stay and watch practice while she waits for me?
The coach narrowed her eyes, seeming to give the matter her consideration. I
don't think so, Ryan. It's important to keep the practices for players only. She
can walk over to Telegraph and do a little window shopping while she waits for
you.
It took Ryan a minute to let the message reach her brain, and just a moment longer
for her to control her mouth. Saying what was on her mind would clearly get her
suspended, and she didn't want to leave the team just when they had started to
play better. Lynette gave her a sympathetic look, but she couldn't offer much
more than that. Practically dragging her feet across the floor, Ryan poked her
head out of the door and said, You won't believe this, but she won't allow
you to watch. Do you mind just hanging out on Telegraph?
Don't worry about me. I'll wait in the car. It'll take me two hours to get
all of the radio stations programmed. She gave Ryan a bright smile, even
though every muscle twitched to go kick Mary Hayes' ass all over the court.
Lily and Ella entered the gym just then, squeezing past Jamie and offering a nod
to Ryan.
She nodded back, and then continued her rant. Do me a favor, will you? Remind
me never to join a team if the coach is a complete asshole, okay?
Ryan's voice was tight with anger, and her volume was quite a bit louder than
normal. Jamie's eyes widened as she looked up to see the coaches walking back
to the locker room, clearly within earshot. Looking sick, she muttered, I
think she heard you.
Surprising the heck out of her partner, Ryan shrugged her broad shoulders and
said, I don't give a flying fuck. With that, she placed a gentle kiss
on Jamie's cheek, and marched into the locker room.
Maybe it was because Jamie was being so gracious, maybe it was because the coach
had been so curt and unfeeling, maybe it was just because Ryan was at the end
of her emotional rope but whatever it was, by the time she reached the
locker room, she was even angrier than she had been moments earlier. She walked
up to the two coaches and stuck her chin out defiantly. Coach, you told
us that if we win both games in North Carolina, I can go directly to the Bahamas.
That's right, she said.
Whether or not we win those games, Jamie and I are going to the Bahamas,
Ryan said. We're not coming back here first. Her arms were crossed,
and she stood at her full height, daring the coach to try to make her back down.
The other players were all trying to get as close as possible, without being too
obvious about it. There wasn't a sound in the normally bustling place every
ear tuned to the showdown.
We have a team rule about returning as a group, Ryan. I know you're aware
of it.
I am, she said. I'm telling you in advance that I'm going to
break that rule if we don't win both games. I need a break, and flying back and
forth across the country isn't the way to get one.
You're the one who set it up this way, Ryan. You could have chosen a vacation
on this side of the country. People do it all the time.
That's not what we chose to do, Ryan said. So what's the verdict?
The usual. If you miss the plane, it's 25 laps. You can do them after our
next practice. She looked unconcerned, and Ryan actually thought that the
confrontation had gone well. Lynette shot her a relieved glance, and after another
moment, the rest of the team gathered around as the coach called them to order.
Okay, we've got a lot on our agenda for today. But first, I have a small
addition to our team rules. From here on in, we'll be conducting bed checks. Every
player will sleep in her assigned room with her assigned roommate. Violation
of this rule will result in an indefinite suspension. She looked around
at the puzzled faces, finally landing on one face that was not puzzled in the
least. Ryan's dark, glowering visage was burning two laser-like holes through
her, but she merely gave her a half smile and cocked her head. Understood?
* * * * * * * * * * *
As soon as practice was over, Lynette followed the coach into her office. She
opened her mouth to speak, but the coach beat her to it. I know, I know
Ryan didn't really deserve that. She sat down in her chair, shaking
her head. I swear I don't understand that woman. She's the best practice
player I've ever seen
she has more talent than any two women I've ever
coached
but she continues to break the simplest rules! What confuses the
hell out of me is that most of the time she doesn't seem like a prima donna. Why
in the hell does she jerk me around like that?
Well, Lynette said, most of the rules she's broken were right
at the beginning of the season. She wasn't aware of most of the ones she broke,
Mary. I think she just got a bee in her bonnet after being called on the carpet
a few times. Ryan's a very proud woman as well as a little thin-skinned.
I really like the kid, Mary said. She could be the leader this
team has been crying for but she won't lead by being a good example. The
other seniors don't trust her Wendy and Janet have made that clear. Standing
up to me today was the worst thing she could have done. She shook her head
and said, I hate to crack down on the kid right after she gets car-jacked,
but what was I supposed to do--just let her defy rules and call me out with no
repercussions? She ran her hands over her face in a gesture of frustration.
Damn, Lynette, the team's fragmented enough without letting them think that
open rebellion will be tolerated! I had to do something!
Lynette sighed, and let her head drop back. I don't know what the answer
is, Mary. I see your point, but I also know that Ryan's the only chance we've
got to keep our jobs. If we have another dismal year, you know our contracts won't
be renewed.
I know that, she grumbled. My mortgage knows it, my car payment
knows it, my babysitter knows it. But I got this job by coaching my way. I'd rather
go out doing what I think is right, than have some spoiled kid force me to change
my principles just to keep her happy. The only chance we have is if we can make
the team coalesce, Lynette. I can't kowtow to any individual.
Lynette sat in the chair for a few minutes, agreeing with Mary in principle, but
knowing that they were on the verge of losing the one player that could turn their
fortunes around.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Instead of leaving right after practice, Ryan stood under a hot shower for so
long her skin wrinkled. She knew that she couldn't show Jamie how justifiably
upset she was, mainly because they just didn't need the additional stress right
now, but also because the intensity of her anger was frightening her a little.
Once she calmed down, she got into her warm-ups and shuffled back to the car,
regrettably finding that she had parked right next to Coach Hayes' battered Dodge
Caravan. As her luck was holding at pretty bad, the coach was just
50 feet behind her as she hit the lot.
As Ryan came into view, Jamie couldn't help but play with one of the gadgets she
had found. She hit the button on the public address speaker and said, Will
the tall, gorgeous brunette please get into the car and pucker up? Her voice
carried across the deserted lot, plainly heard by anyone within a block.
Ryan slid in, shaking her head at her lover's playfulness. The unbelievably lush
stereo was playing loudly, the sunroof and both front windows open, letting the
music blanket the parking lot. Ryan got in and pulled her partner to her, partly
to help calm her ragged nerves, and partly to be rude to the coach who was just
about to reach her car.
* * * * * * * * * * *
As they drove along the cross street by their house, Ryan looked
at the teeming mass of reporters, shook her head and said, I'm not up to
this. I have to have some peace tonight. I'm about ready to pull onto a quiet
street and sleep in the car.
Let's go to the Claremont, Jamie said. I'm sure they can squeeze
us in.
Okay. Ryan turned the car and drove to the hotel without a complaint,
showing Jamie just how much the entire situation was bothering her.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When they reached their room, Ryan looked around and said, Uhm
I
wasn't this stressed.
Regular price, since this was all they had left. Nice, huh?
They were housed in a small, but nicely appointed room, with a canopy bed, pullout
sleeper sofa, worktable, and a spacious bath with a spa tub.
Maybe my luck is turning, Ryan sighed as she stretched out on the
bed.
Jamie climbed up next to her and said, Tell me what's wrong. I know something
is.
Yeah. Something is, she said. I have to make a decision, Jamie.
I think I might decide to quit the team.
The blonde sat up so abruptly that she frightened her partner. You what?
Where did that come from?
Coach dislikes me personally, and she's decided to be more obvious about
it. Today she announced that I can't sleep with you on road trips any longer.
If I do, I'm suspended indefinitely.
Jamie flopped down onto the bed, amazed and puzzled by the strange woman's even
stranger behavior. This just makes no sense! Why would you want to piss
off your best player?
Don't know. Don't wanna find out. Don't fucking care. Ryan was really
in bad shape, judging by her inability to muster the strength to speak in complete
sentences.
The tall woman rolled off the bed and turned on the television, catching the end
of 'Meet the Press.' She stared in amazement as she saw her own and her partner's
face in a cut out above the moderator's head, and heard him say, How do
we, as members of the media, balance the public's right to know with the right
of the individual to be left alone? From every indication, these two women are
intensely private individuals. Not one close friend or family member has revealed
one word about either of them. And yet, the public's thirst for information about
these young heroes has grown in direct proportion to their refusal to speak. Does
there come a point at which our needs as a people override their needs as individuals?
No! There does not! Ryan shouted, flinging the first thing
she could get her hands on at the television. Luckily, it was just her warm-up
jacket, because the force she used would have shattered the appliance if she had
grabbed a more substantial object.
Honey, honey, Jamie said, wrapping her arms tightly around her waist.
Ryan's body was coiled so rigidly that she felt more like a bundle of wire than
the powerful, yet soft woman that she was. You have to calm down.
I can't, she moaned, sinking to the floor. She dropped her head onto
her bent knees and whispered, I just can't.
Tell me what's going on, Jamie said. Why are you so upset?
I feel like I have to take a stand! I can't let her push me around like
this! The problem is, I'm just not up to a confrontation right now
do you
know what I mean? I feel like quitting but I've never quit anything in
my life, and I don't think I'd feel very good about myself if I did. I'm so fucking
confused!
Baby, baby, baby, Jamie said as she rocked her partner in her arms.
It's gonna be okay. You don't have to decide anything now. It's really okay.
She got up and pulled Ryan up with her. Let's lie down, and you can tell
me all about it.
Ryan nodded, and docilely followed her partner to the bed, lying down and unburdening
herself of every anxiety. It took a long time, and Jamie was astounded by all
of the things that were going through her partner's fertile mind, but after a
half hour she finally felt like she had a good handle on how to help.
Okay, here's the deal, Jamie said. I say we enjoy our night
here in this fine hotel. I thought we could have Mia and Jordan come over and
bring everything you need for your trip. It's Mia's birthday, remember
it might be nice to order a good meal, and have a couple of bottles of champagne
to celebrate.
Okay. That would cheer me up, too, Ryan said. What else?
I think you have two viable options. One is to ask for a leave of absence
until you feel better.
Ryan's head was shaking before she finished the sentence. I won't do that,
she said, sticking her chin out in a small indication of her intractability. I'm
not going to ask to be coddled just because I'm upset.
Well, that's a matter of semantics, the blonde said. I don't
think it's being coddled to ask for some time to recover from almost dying and
being forced to shoot a man, but then, I'm a weenie.
Ryan blew out an audible breath in a suggestion of a laugh.
Wanna hear my other suggestion?
Sure.
I think you should go to North Carolina alone. Ryan flinched at that,
and Jamie hurried to explain. I want to go
and I'd go just to see
you for ten minutes if I thought it would help you but I don't think it
will. I think it would burn and grate at you to know that I was in your hotel,
and that we couldn't be together. I don't want to do that to you even though
I'll hate to be apart from you.
Fuck 'em, Ryan said quietly. Just fuck 'em. I'm not leaving
you behind. You're my fucking spouse! She wouldn't do this if you were my husband.
You might be right, honey, but there's no way to know that. She kissed
her cheek and said, Easy on the 'fucking spouse' thing, okay? It's not my
preferred title. She was trying her best to tease her partner, knowing that
she usually responded better to tense situations when there was some levity thrown
in, but nothing was working today. Ryan just nodded once, and then stared at her.
Looking into her troubled eyes, Jamie knew that one tiny shove would push Ryan
into quitting, and she wanted that outcome more than words could say. She hated
everything about the basketball team, and what it was doing to her partner
but she knew that Ryan would be very disappointed in herself if she quit just
because she was being picked on. Honey, I urge you to think about it for
a few days. If you still want to after you consider it, then by all means, go
ahead and quit. But with all of the stress you've been under, I just don't think
it's wise to quit right now. Please let it settle for a bit. Think this through
thoroughly
when you're not so angry.
Ryan rolled over onto her stomach and beat at the pillow for a few minutes, her
fists flying. Finally, she let out a sigh and dropped her head into the defeated
down and said, Okay. You're right. I'll decide after our trip.
Good girl. Now I'll call Mia and see about getting them over here without
detection.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jordan's flight back to Colorado Springs was not until nine, leaving them plenty
of time to share the afternoon and evening with their friends. Jamie instructed
Mia carefully, detailing a long list of items that Ryan needed for her trip, along
with their toothbrushes and a change of clothes for Jamie.
When the pair arrived, Jamie and Ryan put on their happiest smiles and wished
their friend a very happy birthday.
It's happier now that I get to see you two, Mia said. I was
afraid you'd take off without us being able to hook up.
Nah, no way, babe, Jamie said. I'd never ignore your birthday.
So, what did you guys do to celebrate? Ryan asked. Before Jordan could
say a word, she said, Leave out the X-rated parts, okay?
Mia answered for her partner. Well then, I guess we didn't do anything to
speak of.
Hey, Jordan said, I took you out for a very nice dinner last
night. Doesn't that count?
Of course it does, Mia said, giving her a kiss. I'm just yanking
Ryan around. It's one of my favorite hobbies.
Ryan tucked an arm around her waist and said, Nobody yanks me better than
you do, Mia.
Hey! Jamie said. That sounds like the kind of thing I should
be doing for you.
You both yank me, Ryan said, just in different ways.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Since the reluctant heroes, as the newspaper had dubbed them, were loath to leave
the building, Jordan and Mia took Jamie's ATM card and loaded up on cash, then
made a trip to one of Berkeley's gourmet markets and bought provisions for the
evening. Even though they complained of the largesse, they followed orders, and
bought the champagne that Jamie specified, along with a variety of cheeses, some
sliced ham and salami, and some crusty French bread that the Acme Bakery truck
had just delivered.
The foursome ate their repast while sprawled out on the king-sized bed, each pair
entwined comfortably. The Forty-Niners were playing football, and they had the
television on in the background their attention only sporadically drawn
to the game. This is just like being at home, but the food's a lot better,
and my brothers aren't giving me grief for being wrapped around Jamie, Ryan
said.
It seems like you feel better, Jamie said. Do you?
Yeah. I'm much calmer.
They had told their friends all about the disturbing events of the day, and Mia
said, James, if you want to go down to North Carolina, I'll go with you
to keep you company. I know the last thing you two want is to be separated right
now.
Patting her nearby foot, Jamie smiled and said, I appreciate the offer,
buddy, but I think this will work out all right. You and I will just go down to
Miami and meet up with our women there.
I truly think your coach is a psychopath, Jordan grumbled. She's
ruined this season for her team and nothing makes me madder than a coach
that won't let her team members play to the best of their abilities!
I read you, loud and clear, Ryan said. I'm not sure we would
have won many more games so far, but it sure would have been a more pleasant experience
if Lynette had been running the team.
You'd be a better team if you still had Janae and Janae wouldn't
have been hurt if she hadn't been on the court during garbage time. You've gotta
have a screw loose to play an irreplaceable player when the game's as good as
over. She sucks, Jordan grumbled, her ire still rising.
I agree, Jordan, Ryan said, but I don't have much control
so I'm gonna try to just go along and see what happens. I'll make up my mind about
staying or going when we get back from the Bahamas.
Ooo
the Bahamas, Mia said. I've never had a better birthday
present in my whole life.
Me either
and it's not my birthday, Jordan said.
That was your Christmas present, Jamie corrected her friend. This
is your birthday present. She pulled an envelope from her backpack and handed
it to Mia.
James! You don't need to buy me anything for my birthday! Jesus! Isn't a
trip to the Bahamas enough?
Nope, the blonde said. You shouldn't be punished just because
your birthday is the day after Christmas. Go on
open it.
Giving her friend a grin, Mia tore into the envelope. Inside a colorful birthday
card was a first class round-trip ticket from San Francisco to Sydney, as well
as a calling card with an enormous number of minutes. I wasn't sure what
to get you, but Ryan reminded me that there's only one thing that seems to be
on your mind any more.
Hey! Jordan said, her eyes wide. Isn't this a little premature?
I haven't even made the team yet.
Jamie patted Jordan's thigh, giving her an indulgent smile. Ryan's been
telling me how well you're doing, Jordan. There's not a doubt in my mind that
you'll be the star of the team.
Uhh
I don't think that's gonna happen, Jamie. I'll just be happy
to sit on the bench as long as the bench is in Sydney. There's really a
chance that I'll get cut.
Don't stress about it, Jordan, Ryan said. If you don't make
the team, you and Mia can turn this ticket in for two tickets to some place warm
where you can lick your wounds.
She'll make it, Mia said, looking at her partner with unshed tears
making her eyes glisten. I have complete confidence in her.
Jamie kissed Mia's cheek, and said, I know you're having trouble saving
enough money to pay for the ticket. And it's such a long flight I want you to
sit with us so we can yak the whole time.
I didn't realize that was part of the deal, Ryan said. Maybe
I'll sit in coach.
Mia popped Ryan in the belly while leaning over to kiss Jamie. Thanks, James,
she whispered. You're the best friend I could ever imagine having.
The same goes for me, Jamie said. Now let's break out that champagne.
We've got a birthday to celebrate!
* * * * * * * * * * *
After yet another lingering, tearful goodbye, Mia and Jordan left for the airport
at 7:30. Ryan was still full of nervous energy, so they decided to go to the pool
and let her work off some stress. Jamie chose to hang out in the spa, and after
a very long while, Ryan emerged, winded and fatigued, but seemingly calmer. I'm
cooked! Jamie said. I thought you were never going to come out.
I decided to stay until I was tired. Took a while, Ryan said, looking
a little sheepish.
You'd better save some energy. You've got two games to win in North Carolina.
That's the last thing I want to think about. I'd like to focus all of my
energies on you for the rest of the night.
Now you're talking, Tiger.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Part 3
Struggling towards wakefulness, Jamie puzzled over which sensation had been the
first to invade her sleep-clouded mind. It might have been the soft, warm lips
on the back of her neck, the moist, tender touch as gentle as a whisper. Perhaps
it was the sensation of large, strong hands gliding teasingly over her thighs,
causing the downy hairs to rise in answer. Of course, it might have been the springy
black curls that tickled her backside when the dark woman nestling up against
her seductively ground her pelvis into her. Whichever touch did the trick, the
blonde was slowly pulled from her light sleep to the delectably sensual feel of
her partner tenderly caressing nearly every part of her body simultaneously.
Somebody needs seconds, huh? Her voice was slightly rough, but it
held a gentle, welcoming tone. Stealing a quick glance at the clock she said,
It's only been a few minutes since you knocked me out the first time, hot
stuff. Her hand slowly drifted back to rub the baby-soft skin of her partner's
hip, eliciting a physical response to her question.
Ryan's powerful body began to move more freely, writhing sinuously against Jamie
-- some warm, soft body part seemingly touching every part of her simultaneously.
The dark head that nuzzled Jamie's neck nodded a few times, adding a low growl
just to make sure her point was understood.
What would you like
? Jamie's question was cut off by a warm,
moist mouth that covered hers insistently, the owner obviously feeling more oral
than verbal.
Before Jamie could blink, Ryan's coiled power was unleashed in a flurry of activity.
All at once, the smaller woman was on her back, her arms and legs entwined with
the powerful limbs of her partner, Ryan's mouth claiming her forcefully. For just
a second, a part of Jamie wanted to push the voracious woman away to struggle
against the feeling of being absolutely consumed. But there was something so appealing
about the force of her partner's need, that a bigger, more compelling part of
her felt absolutely obliged to not only accept, but to welcome the touch.
Opening her mouth to Ryan's hot, wet tongue, Jamie moaned aloud when she felt
the darting muscle touch every part of her mouth stroking and probing.
Unconsciously, her mouth opened even wider as her legs spread simultaneously,
drawing a groan from Ryan as the lust-filled woman nestled her hips into the space
that Jamie had created for her.
The dark woman pulled Jamie's tongue into her own mouth, sucking forcefully in
tandem with her thrusting hips. One rough push, and their positions were reversed,
Jamie now lying in the warm, moist embrace of Ryan's spread legs.
I need you, the dark woman begged, her breathing heavy and ragged
as it warmed Jamie's cheek.
I need you too, Ryan. So much. She wrapped her arms around her lover's
torso and squeezed her tightly, trying to show by the ferocity of her embrace
what she felt in her heart.
They kissed
again and again, with a deep, hungry intensity that was quite
rare in their lovemaking. Ryan was much more forceful much more decisive
and assertive than normal
pushing Jamie a little further than she was used
to.
Come inside me, Ryan said, her voice high and tight with emotion.
Responding immediately, Jamie slid into her, her way eased by the slick lubrication
that had obviously been building for quite a while. More, Ryan whispered.
I need more. Another finger slid in to join the first, and Ryan sighed
heavily as she felt her flesh stretch slightly to accommodate her lover. Fill
me up, Ryan said quietly, her need unquenched. Let me feel you touch
me deep inside. Stretch me wide open.
Jamie drew in a shaky breath and slipped a third finger into her ravenous partner,
desperately wanting to satisfy her desire, while fighting concern about hurting
her. Ryan clearly did not share her unease, as her body stilled momentarily, her
legs splayed wide open, her lips parted, eyes closed tightly. More,
she whispered, her breathing shallow and rough as she waited expectantly for her
partner to meet her need.
The blood pounded in Jamie's head as she swallowed hard and tried to follow Ryan's
instructions. Never had her partner expressed a desire to be penetrated so fully,
and the mere fervor of her request was an incredible turn on for the smaller woman.
There was something completely appealing about the vulnerability that Ryan revealed,
but at the same time, Jamie felt a little out of her depth, uncertain about how
far to push, feeling the need to protect Ryan from her own desire.
Ryan growled deep in her chest, slightly frustrated. Thinking quickly, the smaller
woman withdrew completely, causing the dark beauty to utter a pitiful moan. But
her moans quickly turned to groans of pleasure as Jamie entered her with both
thumbs, using the dexterous digits to offer a deep internal massage of her partner's
very essence. Her thumbs slid across the sizzling hot skin, their way made ready
by a liberal coating of moisture from an inexhaustible source deep within.
Yesssssss, Ryan hissed, grasping Jamie's shoulders so firmly that
the blonde could feel the skin start to bruise. Just
like
that!
Concentrating fully, Jamie scooted down the bed, allowing herself the delicious
pleasure of watching her hands take possession of her lover's most private place.
She used her thumbs to stroke and press against every inch of Ryan's slick walls,
feeling the spongy tissue plump and swell under her ministrations. Sliding her
digits in deeply, she slowly pressed outward, giving Ryan the sensation of intense
fullness that she craved.
Oh my God! Ryan moaned throatily, pulling her legs up to her
chest to allow for a better angle. That's it
fill me up, baby
unh! So good!
Trying to make the experience last, Jamie backed off a little, letting the tissues
contract slightly. Her thumbs never stopped moving, however, gliding softly in
every direction at once.
Ryan's breath began to come in great, heaving gasps, and Jamie saw that she was
close to the edge. Dipping her head, she sucked the rigid nub of sensitized flesh
into her mouth, swirling her tongue around the bundle of nerves as her thumbs
continued stroking and probing.
The powerful hands groped blindly, grabbing fistfuls of sheet, then latching onto
Jamie's head, tugging on the blonde hair as she let out a howl, her body shivering
and spasming wildly. It was nearly impossible to stay with her, but she did her
best to ride out the storm, while remaining locked together in their erotic embrace.
When the spasms slowed and then stilled, Jamie lifted her head to gaze into her
partner's eyes, stunned when she saw a steady stream of tears flowing down Ryan's
face. Sweetheart! What's wrong? Instantly she was at Ryan's side,
grasping her in a fierce hug. Did I hurt you?
No, no, of course not, Ryan murmured, her words garbled through her
sobs. It just
you just
I needed
She sighed heavily,
trying to control herself while Jamie clutched her partner against her chest.
Tell me, the smaller woman said. Why are you crying?
Because I
I feel so much, Jamie. I just feel so much. She continued
to nuzzle her face into her lover's chest, unable to be close enough.
Ryan, what's going through your mind? Her voice was soft and gentle,
and she trailed her hand through Ryan's mussed hair, smoothing it back into place.
I
I woke up a little while ago, and I had this need ... Jamie
could feel her shrug her broad shoulders helplessly, but Ryan's explanation had
not been very elucidating.
What need? she whispered, rocking Ryan slowly in her arms.
I needed
I needed to have you
inside of me, the dark
woman revealed, not really understanding the feeling well enough to explain it.
I feel so empty when you're away from me, Jamie. I keep thinking about leaving
you tomorrow, and it just makes me ache. When I think of being down in North Carolina
it makes me feel so empty and alone. I needed you
I needed you to fill
me up again so I had the strength to leave. Shimmering eyes blinked up at
Jamie, her expression heartbreakingly vulnerable. Was it too much?
Oh, Ryan, she sighed. I could never have too much of you. I
have an inexhaustible need for you, and I always will, Jamie said, lowering
her head so that Ryan could look directly into her eyes. They were nearly nose-to-nose,
and Jamie couldn't resist the urge to kiss Ryan's still trembling lips. Don't
ever be afraid to show me how you feel. That's why we make love, Ryan. It's the
best way to open our hearts to each other.
I know, the dark-haired woman murmured. This just caught me
by surprise. It felt so intense. Scary intense. Her head shook slowly, causing
her hair to tumble around her shoulders in a wild cascade.
It was intense, Jamie said. But our feelings are intense now,
so our lovemaking will be too. That's how it should be. Please don't be embarrassed
or ashamed to show me your heart.
Ryan's blue eyes glittered in the moonlight as she blinked them slowly. I'll
try, baby. It's not always easy, but I'll always try.
I'll try, too, Jamie promised. She looked at her lover with a slight
tilt to her head. Wanna see what's in my heart now?
Giving her an emotion-laden kiss, Ryan sighed, Without question.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The next morning, Jamie dropped Ryan off at a parking lot near Haas Auditorium.
The bus was waiting, and both women looked at it like it was the embodiment of
evil. I don't wanna go, Ryan muttered.
I don't want you to go, Jamie said quietly. Touching Ryan lightly
on the arm, she said, I feel like I talked you into this, baby, and after
last night I'm not sure it's the right thing for you. I laid awake worrying for
hours after we made love, but I'm still not sure of what's right.
The dark head shook slowly. I don't know what's right anymore either, Jamie.
I'm only going through the motions at this point. It feels like I might as well
go just because I can't bear to do anything else.
I understand, the blonde whispered. But I want you to know that
it's perfectly all right with me if you go tell Coach Hayes you quit. I only want
you to go on this trip if you're certain it's what you want.
It's not, Ryan said, shrugging her shoulders, but I want the
other options even less.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry things are turning out this way, but in just a few
days we'll be in the Bahamas just resting.
I'd quit now if I didn't have that to look forward to, Ryan said.
It's like the Holy Grail.
Remember how much I love you, Ryan. I'll be thinking about you every minute.
Me too, Ryan said. I've got to go, or I'll start crying again,
and I don't want to give everybody a show. She gave Jamie a tender, lingering
kiss, then sighed heavily and got out of the car, grabbing her bag from the back
seat. Without another word, she strode towards the bus, Jamie staring after her
as the few photographers present snapped away.
Damn! I feel so guilty I could cry. I know she's going because of what I said,
but now I'm not sure it's right for her. She was so unbelievably fragile last
night I'm not sure she can take care of herself. The only positive thing
about the whole mess is that there will be less media attention focused on her.
God knows this can't be as big a story in North Carolina as it is here.
* * * * * * * * * * *
As soon as she got on the bus, Ryan marched up to the intern from the sports information
director's office and said, I saw my picture on the news yesterday.
Vicky Palacios looked up at her, blinking a little, trying to understand the point
of the comment. Yeah? And?
It was the photo taken for the basketball team, Ryan said. Did
you authorize a release of that photo?
No! she said, her eyes wide. It's against our policy to release
anything like that, Ryan. I swear I didn't.
Shaking her head slightly, Ryan patted her shoulder and said, You don't
have to swear, Vicky. I'm just very sensitive about things like that right now.
I'm trying to get a little peace.
Reaching up to grasp Ryan's hand she gave it a squeeze. It's okay, Ryan.
I'm really proud of you for what you did. You're
something else.
Yeah
that's accurate, Ryan said. I don't know what
but I'm something else.
After passing down the aisle with little comment, she found a seat in the back
of the bus,. All of the teammates she got along with had called her at home and
then fussed over her at practice the previous day, and the ones that didn't care
for her probably wished she had fallen off the car on the first hill.
* * * * * * * * * * *
I feel better, Ryan said when she reached her partner by phone. Jamie
had gone back to the O'Flaherty house, feeling safer with Conor, Rory and Kevin
around.
That's the best news I've heard all day, Jamie said. I've been
worried sick about you, baby.
You don't have to, really. I'm rooming with Franny, and she's afraid to
speak at all, so I don't have to put up with any questions. Plus, I haven't seen
a reporter since we landed. Life is sweet.
Well, we got a sweet offer today, but I don't think you'll like it.
What?
The Bay Area BMW dealers want to give us a new X5 SUV.
Ryan paused to let that sink in and asked, They what?
They want to give us an X5.
I'm waiting for the catch. I know there is one.
Of course there is. There's always a catch. They want to do an ad campaign
showing you on the roof of the Lexus saying, If she did this for a Lexus,
imagine what she'd do to hold on to her X5.
There was a pause, and then Ryan started to laugh. The sound grew louder and louder
until she was collapsed onto her back, her muscles too weak to hold her up any
longer. Jamie knew that Ryan was just slaphappy, but she delighted in hearing
her laughter nonetheless. That's so fuckin' funny, she gasped out.
I mean, the mere fact that they had the balls to even propose that is hilarious!
Brendan is handling all of the calls now, because Conor had started blowing
a whistle into the phone, Jamie said. He was laughing at this one,
too.
Ryan paused for a minute and said, I want the goddamned car.
Pardon?
I want that damned X5, she said. That car is so totally cool.
I really want it, Jamie.
Honey, if that's what you want, I'll buy you one. You don't have to prostitute
yourself to get it.
Ryan waited a beat, and then told the truth. I want it because they're gonna
give it to us
for something that we did. It feels like we earned it. Does
that make any sense?
Jamie had to think about that for a minute, but she finally had to admit that
she saw some logic in the thinking if she really stretched. Okay, let's
say you do want it. You certainly won't let them use your picture like that!
No, of course not. See if Brendan thinks there's a way to get this done
on my terms. Tell him I really want the car
with every damned option known
to man! I even want BMW floor mats and a cool key ring! she said. They
can't use our picture, or our names, of course, and I don't want them to refer
to the incident specifically, but if they can meet those terms we've got
a deal.
You know what I like about you? Jamie asked, shaking her head fondly.
What's that?
I can hardly ever guess what your response will be to any given situation.
You are a wealth of contradictions.
All part of my charm, Ryan said, feeling perky for the first time
in days.
* * * * * * * * * * *
After the team dinner, Ryan asked Lynette if they could speak in private, and
they went back to Lynette's room to do so. Look, Ryan said when they
were alone. I'm not into idle gossip, but I've got to figure out what's
going on between the coach and me. I'm on the verge of quitting, but I hate to
do that right when we're starting to play better.
Lynette nodded her head and said, I can understand why you want to quit,
Ryan. Really, I can. I know you got off on a bad foot with Mary, but I also know
that wasn't your fault. As you've gathered, she's a real stickler for following
rules, and from the beginning it just seemed as though you were intent upon breaking
them. Ryan started to defend herself, but Lynette interrupted. I know
it wasn't intentional, Ryan. But, in a way, that doesn't matter. Mary got an impression
of you that just hasn't faded. Honestly, I think you two just have a personality
conflict that gets in the way.
Personality conflict? Ryan asked slowly. I don't have a conflict
with her, Lynette. If she'd just leave me alone, and let me play to the best of
my ability, I wouldn't have a problem in the world!
Nodding once again, Lynette said, That's the conflict, Ryan. Mary will let
you play to the limit of you talent but only if you follow the rules. I
know that seems screwed up to you but that's how she is. She looked
at Ryan for a long moment, and said, Can I trust you to keep what I tell
you confidential?
Sure, you can trust me, Lynette.
Mary would deny this, but I honestly think that she's let her personal feelings
about you and your lifestyle get in the way.
The younger woman sank into a chair and said, Shit. I thought you said she
wasn't a homophobe.
She's not, Lynette said with conviction. It's not that, Ryan.
It seems odd, but I've really given this a lot of thought, and I think I know
what the problem is. I think it bugs the hell out of her that you have things
she's never had, and will probably never get.
Like what? Ryan asked, entirely puzzled.
I honestly think she's jealous of your talent, you relationship, and your
money.
Pardon me?
Lynette stood up and walked around the room for a few minutes. Mary was
married up until four years ago, Ryan. She has three kids
all of them pretty
young. Her husband left her unexpectedly, just after he agreed to make this move
to the Bay Area. He had money lots of it but it was family money,
and when they divorced she didn't get a thing. As a matter of fact, since he couldn't
find a job once they got here, he sued her for alimony! She was in court for two
years, and just got that settled recently. Granted, she makes a good salary, but
with three kids in private school, and a live-in nanny, she's not doing very well.
She's not living the life she thought she'd have, Ryan; and ever since this happened,
she's had a bug up her ass for people with money. She seems to assume they're
going to be attention freaks like her husband was, or that they'll demand special
treatment.
I think she had a visceral reaction to seeing a great-looking young woman
with her whole life ahead of her
lots of money
lots of talent
and a great relationship with a loving, supportive partner. Mary's gonna be forty
this year, Ryan, and this job is all she has to support her family. I think she
overreacts and makes a lot of poor choices, because the damned job means so much.
It's sad, but true
I think her need for the job might take it from her.
You think she'll be fired? Ryan asked quietly.
No, the school doesn't want to pay her off. But she's on a four-year contract,
and this is the end of it. If we don't finish better than we did last year
I'm sure she, and I, and everybody else -- is gone.
That sucks, Ryan mumbled, thinking how hard it would be to depend
on a bunch of college kids to insure your job security.
Yeah. It's not too hard to find another assistant's job, but head coaching
jobs at the Division I level are not so easy to come by. Especially when half
of them are held by men, she grumbled.
Ryan smiled sadly and said, That wouldn't be so bad if women held half of
the men's basketball jobs.
Yeah. That's gonna happen, she said. Anyway I think I'm
right about this. I think she just misjudged you, and hasn't let herself see the
truth.
So, you think I'm wasting my time, huh? Ryan asked.
No, no, I don't, Ryan. Even though she keeps her eye on you more than she
should, she really does like you. Lynette smiled broadly and said, You're
pretty hard not to like.
She sure has a funny way of showing that she likes me, Ryan grumbled.
Barring Jamie from practice was bad enough, but to stop her from sleeping
with me was just chicken-shit.
Lynette placed a hand on Ryan's shoulder and said, You're not gonna like
this, Ryan, but in this instance, I can really see why Mary did what she did.
What!
You heard me, she said softly. You know she has a firm rule
about keeping practice closed.
Our house was surrounded by reporters! I couldn't let Jamie wade through
that flock of vultures by herself!
Did you explain that? the older woman asked.
I thought I
Ryan looked confused for a moment, then said, I
don't remember.
Lynette shook her head briefly. You didn't explain your situation at all,
Ryan. You just asked if Jamie could stay for practice. Coach replied automatically,
like she always does. If you had made it clear that you had a very good reason
for asking, she would have listened to you.
I've yet to see that, Ryan sniffed.
Ryan, the situation hasn't come up, she said. You two are always
in the middle of a conflict before you start talking. Now, I know you're a very
mature woman, but you've got to admit that it wasn't very mature to call her an
asshole especially in front of other players.
Staring at the floor, Ryan said, She was acting like an asshole.
Fine, Lynette said, taking a seat on the corner of her bed. If
you're the type of player who thinks it's okay to call the coach an asshole, then
you'd better quit.
After taking a moment to collect her thoughts, Ryan gave her a sheepish grin and
admitted, I don't think it's okay. I'm just pissed.
I understand that, Ryan, she said. Now, I don't know what your
plans are, but I really think we're on the verge of turning this thing around
through winning. That's the easiest way to make people start to love each
other.
Ryan nodded and said, I still don't know what I'll do, but I'll give it
my all as long as I'm with the squad.
I would expect nothing less, Lynette said.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The next day, when the bus pulled up to the arena, Ryan scratched her head and
said to Vicky, I thought the next game was televised. Is this one, too?
Those are local trucks, Vicky said. Maybe it's on in this market.
I'm certain it's not going to be on in the Bay area.
They filed into the building, and got ready in their usual manner; but when they
left the locker room, Ryan felt like one of the early Christians being thrown
to the lions. There were at least six television cameras trained on her, and flashbulbs
too numerous to count flashed with an unbearably irritating frequency. Tearing
her eyes from the glare, she looked over to see at least forty reporters huddled
around the press table, packed in so tightly that some of them shared a chair.
She knew that she looked like a rat in a trap, and she had an overwhelming urge
to run
just as far and as fast as she could
direction and destination
immaterial. A young woman in a business suit, accompanied by an older man, also
in a suit, approached her, with Vicky following right behind. Ted Dickens,
Athletic Information Officer. This is Maria Colavetti, my assistant. We'd like
to arrange for a post-game interview session with you, Ryan.
Thanks, she said, her smile pencil-thin. I'm not doing any interviews.
With anyone. Ever. She folded her arms defiantly, then shuddered when she
heard flashes popping continually.
What about to talk about the game? the man asked. Will you comment
on the game? He looked at Vicky and said, It's in our contract that
your players will be made available for post-game interviews, you know.
Fine, Ryan said, precluding Vicky from answering. If my play
merits it, I'll talk about the game. Only. With that, she turned on her
heel and peeled off her warm-ups, a very large part of her hoping that she stunk
up the gym with her abysmal play.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The team played well, and she had to admit that she had made a big contribution,
so Ryan docilely went with the information officers to a hastily set-up interview
room. Every chair was filled, and as soon as she entered, the flashes started
popping. For a moment she considered holding her jacket over her head like the
mobsters used to do, but she thought that her father wouldn't care for it, so
she behaved. She sat down, and was surprised to see Coach Hayes sit down next
to her. Ted Dickens introduced first Coach Hayes, and then Ryan, opening up the
floor to questions.
The reporters started yelling them out, fast and furiously:
Why the silence, Ryan? What have you got to hide?
America wants to know who you really are. Are you related to Senator Evans?
If not, why did you spend Christmas Eve at his home?
Was that your baby in the car? We don't even know her name. Where is she
now? She hasn't been seen since the incident.
Where is Jamie now? Why are you both registered as owners of the car?
She ground her teeth together and leaned down until her mouth hovered over the
microphone. The room stilled, every reporter waiting to finally hear her voice.
In a completely flat, emotionless monotone, she made her statement. She spoke
so quickly, and with so little inflection, that it actually sounded like a single
sentence, but she managed to cover every point she thought was germane. We
played well tonight because we stuck to our game plan. Wake Forest is a very tough
opponent, and they play a style that matches up very well against us. Coach Hayes
came up with an aggressive attack-style of offense which we managed to execute
well. I think the key to our play tonight was our freshman guard, Franny Sumitomo's
crisp passes. Her play let me drift outside and can a few treys. Even though I
mention her specifically everyone on the team contributed to this win.
She took a breath, cleared her throat and looked up guardedly. Any more
questions about the game?
They started firing them out again, and she sat impassively, not making eye contact
with anyone in the room. Her hands were folded on the table, and she gazed at
nothing further than the tips of her fingers, seemingly oblivious to the cacophony
of sound and light.
Coach Hayes finally moved the microphone in front of her own mouth and said, We're
here to talk about the game, people. Only the game.
She was shouted down immediately, and after another moment, placed her hand on
Ryan's shoulder and jerked her head towards the door, indicating that it was time
to leave. Just as they stood, a reporter came running into the room. He was seriously
out of breath, and his panting attracted as much attention as his dramatic call
for Ryan's ear. Ryan! he shouted, his voice much louder, despite his
short-windedness, than any of the other reporters. What is your reaction
to the report, just off the wire service, that Wendell Delp, one of your attackers,
has died as a result of the gunshot wound he sustained?
The room grew still in the blink of an eye. It seemed that all of the air had
been sucked out of the space, but that sensation only lasted for a millisecond.
In the next instant, every flash fired, every shutter snapped, every eye focused
intently on Ryan.
It took a few seconds for the news to reach her brain, and as it did, her legs
gave way, and she found herself sprawled upon the chair that Coach Hayes had occupied.
The room they were in was not very large, and as the seconds ticked away it became,
in Ryan's distorted view, substantially smaller. The walls actually seemed to
be closing in on her, and she found herself unable to reassure herself that it
was an optical illusion. The sound of the snapping shutters grew louder as the
walls drew closer, and she started to be able to feel her heart pounding rapidly
in her chest.
Another voice, that echoed strangely, called out, Did you intend to kill
him, Ryan?
A swooshing sound filled her ears, and her head dropped to the table, bouncing
a little as she lost control of her muscles. Her defenses destroyed, she felt
as though she had been stripped bare. She began to cry helplessly, her entire
body shaking. She vaguely felt a hand on her shoulder, then another, then had
the sensation of arms trying to lift her -- to no avail.
The voices she detected sounded as though they were underwater, but she could
just make out a tone that sounded like Coach Hayes. Something about clearing the
room, Ryan thought, but she couldn't be sure. Actually, she didn't care enough
to be sure. All she knew, and she knew this with absolute certainly, was that
things would never be the same again.
* * * * * * * * * * *
After a long while, her surroundings started to come back into focus. Ryan knew
she was still in the room, she knew she was being held and rocked, and she knew
that it was a woman holding her, since she was nestled against a warm breast.
Lifting her head, she was surprised to see the brown and silver strands of Mary
Hayes' hair brushing against her cheek. She started to pull away, horribly confused,
but Coach Hayes held on tight, patting her back, and whispering soothing words
right into her ear. Easy now, Ryan. Just take it easy. They're gone now
It's just us.
Wiping her eyes and taking in a very shaky breath, Ryan sat up. Her fingers were
horribly cramped, and she realized that was because they were digging into her
coach's flesh. She released her frantic grip and stared at the woman in amazement.
What happened? she asked dully.
You
you kinda lost it, the coach informed her, tenderly brushing
her bangs from her eyes. I think you had a panic attack.
Ryan nodded slowly. I've had them before
but not since I was a child.
With a voice filled with compassion, Mary quietly asked, Why did you have
them then?
Looking at the coach, and seeing her genuine interest, Ryan said, My mom
was ill when I was little. She was in and out of the hospital during most of my
formative years. She died when I was seven, she said. It took me a
long time to get over it, and I had quite a few panic attacks during the years
after her death.
My mom died when I was in college, Mary said. I'm still not
over it.
Ryan gave her a watery smile and said, Thanks for helping me out, Coach.
I think the jackals would have eaten me alive if you hadn't been here.
She just nodded and squeezed Ryan's shoulder. Don't mention it. Now we have
to decide what to do next.
Next?
Yeah. I'll pay for you to leave town as soon as we can get you on a plane,
Ryan. You can go home, or you can leave for your vacation early. Whatever you
want.
Ryan considered for a few moments. Can I have Jamie come here?
Of course. I'm really sorry for singling you out, Ryan. That was a stupid
way to try to make a point. Lynette told me why you wanted her to stay at practice
the other day. She shook her head and said, I'm very sorry for being
so rigid about it. I'll rescind the rule about bed checks at breakfast tomorrow.
Nodding slightly, Ryan said, I'm not able to make up my mind about anything
right now. I'll be able to think after I talk to Jamie.
No problem, the coach said. She helped Ryan to her feet and tucked
an arm around her waist. I'm going to have Shelly move you into a single
room. I'm sure you'll be on the phone for a long time, and you won't want your
roommate eavesdropping on you.
Thanks, Ryan said. I appreciate everything that you've done,
Coach. She looked down at the floor briefly, then met the older woman's
steady gaze. I'm sorry I called you an asshole the other day. That was really
uncalled for.
Don't worry about that, Coach Hayes said. It's all forgotten.
Ryan's clear blue eyes shifted and she gazed at the coach for a moment, then her
lower lip started to tremble. Is it true? she asked softly. Did
I
did I
kill that man?
I don't know, the coach said. Let me go check with a reliable
source.
Shaking her head, Ryan said, That's okay. Jamie will know. She nodded
again, then said, She'll know.
* * * * * * * * * * *
By the time Ryan was settled in her new room, she was feeling slightly better.
Lynette came by to check on her, and she brought two sleeping pills that the home
team's doctor had provided. Thanks, Ryan said. I might take
them after I talk to Jamie.
Just take one, Ryan. He gave you two in case you need one tomorrow night,
too. Promise you'll call me if you need anything, Lynette said. She wrote
her room number down in large letters and placed it right next to the phone. Even
if you just want to talk, please call, okay?
I will, Ryan said. I'm gonna use the phone, and I'll probably
run up a whopper of a bill, but I'll pay for it myself.
Don't worry about those little things, Lynette said. Just try
to feel better.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan knew that she had caused a scene, and she knew that her family would eventually
hear about it. But being naïve in the ways of international gossip, it had
not dawned on her that her family would know about the incident while it was still
occurring. For the previous hour, while waiting to hear from the stricken woman,
the combined resources of the Evans-O'Flaherty clan had been frantically trying
to find a way to get Jamie to North Carolina.
When Ryan dialed the phone, her father answered. Yes? he said curtly.
Da?
Siobhán! he cried. Sweetheart! How are you? He
partially covered the receiver and shouted, Jamie! It's Siobhán!
Daaaaa, she said slowly, what's going on?
We all saw what happened, Martin said. We're worried sick about
you.
Oh, crap, she said. I'll be fine, Da. Really. I just had a panic
attack when they told me about
well
you know. Uhm
is it true?
Yes, he said, sending her stomach into a mad spin. It's true
that he's dead, but you didn't kill him, sweetheart, not really.
That's pretty cryptic, Da
she said, but he interrupted her.
I'll let you talk to Jamie, love. She's about to pry the phone from my hands.
Ryan smiled softly at that, knowing that her father wasn't exaggerating in the
least.
Sweetheart, I've got my father working on getting me a flight down there.
At this point, it looks like I'm gonna have to charter a private jet, but I'll
be there as soon as I possibly can.
Whoa
whoa! Just hold on a minute. Can we just talk for a second?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry. It's just
we've been absolutely frantic, and
it's hard for me to switch gears. She took in a breath and tried again.
How are you, baby? Are you feeling a little better?
Yeah, Ryan said. I really am.
Okay, now that that's settled, let me get back on the phone with my father.
I have to see that you're better with my own eyes.
No, no, Jamie, please. I'll be all right. I just
I just felt claustrophobic
when that guy told me what had happened. It got too close in there, and I started
to feel panicked. I'll be fine.
Give me your number, Jamie said. I'm going to go down to our
room and call you back. I can hardly hear myself think up here.
Ryan provided the requested information, and a few minutes later Jamie called
back from a much quieter place. That's better, she said when she heard
Ryan's voice. Now what do you know about what happened?
Only that I killed a man, Ryan said, her voice strangely flat and
emotionless.
I had a feeling that's what you believed, Jamie said. But nothing
could be further from the truth, honey. Daddy made a few calls, and he got the
whole story. Now, most of this will never be made public, but Daddy swears it's
the truth.
Ryan sat up and stared at the phone, unable to imagine what her partner would
say.
The guys' names were Wendell and Elmore Delp, Jamie said.
Perfect names for psychopaths, Ryan muttered.
My thoughts exactly. Now, Wendell was a real piece of work. He was the one
who wanted to rape you while he was strangling you with his bare hands,
she said, revealing this detail to Ryan for the first time.
Fuck.
And he's the one who wanted to kill Caitlin, Jamie said, just to give
her partner a complete picture of their assailant's evil nature.
Ryan didn't say a word, but Jamie could hear her breathing faster, and she knew
her partner was beginning to understand just what these men were. Wendell
apparently raped women frequently, at least according to Elmore, Jamie said.
He was, by the way, HIV positive, and had been diagnosed with AIDS almost
ten years ago. Apparently, his treatment had been failing, and he was starting
to get sick again. He knew he didn't have a lot of time left, and he decided that
he was going to start taking whatever he wanted consequences be damned.
His brother claims that he loved Lexuses, and he decided he was going to
take the next one he saw. That just happened to be yours, Jamie said.
Ryan blew out a breath and said, They sound like the lowest of the low,
but I still fell like crap for killing one of them.
But you didn't, Jamie said. I told you the background just so
you'd understand, honey. The bullet that you fired went into Elmore's shoulder,
then passed through Wendell's left arm. It was no big deal. I think he got something
like ten stitches to close the wound. Elmore's wound was a little worse, but after
a night in the hospital they were both doing well, and were sent to the county
jail to await arraignment.
Apparently, Wendell developed a fever later that day. Elmore says the staff
at the infirmary ignored Wendell, but there's no record that he complained of
a fever, and the medical staff claims that they didn't know he was sick until
he went into convulsions late that night. Obviously, they started to treat him
then, but he didn't respond. They finally sent him to UCSF, but by then it was
too late. His immune system was so compromised, that the bacteria that had gotten
into his body through his wound just overwhelmed him, and he died of the infection.
Wow, Ryan said quietly. Are you sure that's all true, Jamie?
Well, some of the info comes from Elmore, and he probably twisted it to
make it seem like this is all the jail's fault, but Daddy claims the medical details
are all true. He spoke with the chief of police to get the information. They don't
want the full story to come out because they're afraid of being sued by the family,
but the chief says it's the truth.
Damn, Ryan muttered. What a friggin' chain of events.
It is, Jamie said. But the bottom line is that he was dying
anyway. The Bay water just helped him along.
Ryan sighed heavily, and Jamie could just see her dark head shaking. I played
a part, too.
Yes, you did, Jamie said, desperately trying to think of a way to
frame her belief. The way I see it, Wendell is about 99 percent responsible
for his own death, and the bacteria in the Bay is responsible for about a half
of a percent. That leaves a big, fat one half of one percent that you can feel
guilty about, she said. But since I think you should have shot them
both in the head, you know how I feel about that.
Ryan felt her stomach rebel at her partner's wish that she had shot them in the
head, but she recalled Rory's words and she tried to push that element out of
her brain. Finally, she spoke, and Jamie could feel the love in her voice. Only
you could make me feel better about something so awful.
You have nothing
nothing to feel bad about, Ryan. You did the most
heroic things I could have ever imagined, and you tried your best not to kill
those assholes. The fact that he was already sick was a little quirk that you
had no control over.
I was far from heroic, and I had plenty of control, she grumbled,
her statement puzzling Jamie. I have plenty to feel bad about.
Pardon? What does that mean?
Never mind, Ryan said, not having any desire to get into her guilt
feelings then, or ever. I've got too many things running through my mind
to be making any sense at all.
Are you sure you're going to be all right? I'm really struggling with being
so far away from you, baby.
Yeah, I am. I think I'm in a little bit of shock, she said. That
asshole reporter tried to freak me out, just so he could get my reaction.
I know, Jamie said quietly. I saw it on TV.
Oh, crap! It was on TV?
Yes, honey. That's how we knew about it. They just used a snippet on CNN,
but locally they showed his question, your reaction, and the coach screaming at
everyone to get out and leave you alone.
I missed most of that, Ryan said. The last thing I remember
is hearing him tell me the guy died.
I had a feeling you were out of it, Jamie said. Wait a sec,
okay? My cell is ringing.
She was gone for a few minutes, then came back on. Daddy found a charter
company that can leave in an hour, she said. I'll be there by dawn.
Jamie, Ryan said softly. I don't want you flying on some small
plane to get here a few hours earlier. I'd be worried about you the whole time.
It's okay with me if you change your reservations to come here instead of Miami,
but you really don't have to take such extraordinary measures.
But I want to be with you, she said. It broke my heart to see
you so upset. I feel so powerless, Ryan.
Honey, you can hear that I'm better now. Please, please, don't leave tonight.
It would really make it worse for me.
She waited a second, trying to decide if she should push Ryan to give in. Okay.
You know what will make you feel the best. Hold on a sec. She spent a few
more minutes talking to her father, then came back on the line. Since I
can't be with you, can we stay on the phone for a while?
Sure. Let me get ready for bed. The doctor gave me a sleeping pill. I think
I'll take it, she said.
Okay. I'll go tell your family that you're much better, so they can all
go home. Then I'll get ready for bed, and call you back.
Deal, Ryan said. One more thing, babe. Have Da or Aunt Maeve
call my aunt and my Granny. Even in Ireland, they'll see this crap on CNN and
be worried all over again.
Consider it done.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie called the airline and changed her ticket, dismayed that she wouldn't arrive
until 6 o'clock the following evening. She dialed Ryan's number, and wasn't surprised
in the least when the low voice already sounded slow and sleepy. You took
the pill, huh? she asked.
Yeah. It's already working.
You'd have the cheapest drug addiction in the world, Jamie said. You're
so susceptible to everything you take.
Fast metabolism, Ryan said through a yawn.
I love your fast metabolism, Jamie said. Now you go to sleep,
honey, and call me the minute you wake up. I want to hear your sweet little voice
as soon as possible.
Okay. Love you, Jamie.
I love you, too, Ryan. More than words can say.
I know. Me too. She hung up quietly, and Jamie did her best to soothe
her jangled nerves by imagining the gentle beauty of her partner as she slept.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The next morning, Jamie ran around the house getting ready for her flight. She
was thinking of Ryan every minute, anxiously waiting for her call, but was slightly
cheered that her partner was at least sleeping well. But as time ticked by she
began to worry, debating over whether or not to call and wake her. Her indecision
lasted until she was waiting near the gate for her flight. With just a few minutes
to spare, she dialed the hotel and asked to be connected to Ryan's room. The phone
rang and rang, and finally the operator came back on. There's no answer,
she said.
Please try it again, and let it ring, Jamie said. I know she's
there.
All right, ma'am. I'll try again.
Her heart was pounding heavily as she tried to figure out who to call if she couldn't
rouse her partner, but finally the receiver was picked up. Ryan?
Yeah. Her voice was thick and slurred, sounding like she'd been pulled
from a very deep sleep.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry for waking you wake up. I just needed to talk to
you before I left.
Huh. Ryan's voice was slow and muddled, and Jamie could tell she was
still not firing on all cylinders. Left what?
Left San Francisco, honey. I'm getting on my plane. I'll be there by this
evening.
There was a silence that lasted longer than Jamie was comfortable with. Am
I staying here or are we going on vacation now? Ryan asked.
What do you mean by that? Jamie asked, her eyes wide.
Coach said I could leave
I think.
Uhm
they're calling final boarding for me, Ryan. It's a little late
to have this discussion right now.
Oh. There was a moment of silence, then Ryan said, The team's
going to Chapel Hill on a bus. Should I go with?
Ryan, she said, you're starting to worry me. Of course you should
go. I'm coming to meet you in Chapel Hill. My flight will arrive in Raleigh/Durham
late this afternoon, then I'll take a cab to your hotel.
Do you know what hotel to go to? I forget, Ryan said, thoroughly puzzled.
Yes, sweetheart. I have your itinerary. She waited a beat and said,
Can I speak with your roommate?
Don't have one. They moved me to a single so I could be alone. Why do you
want to do that?
Because you don't seem right, honey. I've never heard you sound so out of
it. I want to make sure someone keeps an eye on you today.
I'll be fine, Ryan said. Just tired. I'm gonna take a nap now.
That sounds like a good idea, Jamie said, her worry increasing. You
get some rest, baby, and I'll see you tonight. I love you, Ryan.
Love you.
Jamie shoved her phone into her pocket and ran for the gate, managing to slip
past the attendant just as he was closing the door. As soon as she sat down she
got on the phone again, and managed to track down Coach Hayes. Hello,
she said, this is Jamie Evans, Ryan's partner.
Oh, hi, Jamie, the coach said. What can I do for you?
I just spoke to Ryan, and she seems very out of it. I'm terribly worried
about her, Coach Hayes. Will you make sure that someone keeps an eye on her?
Sure, Jamie, I'll make sure she's all right. We're just about to leave for
Chapel Hill, so I've got to go.
About to leave? She was just going to go back to sleep!
Oh, shit! Thanks for calling, Jamie. Gotta go!
The blonde hung up, then leaned back in her seat, her stomach so upset that she
was afraid she'd have to use a barf bag before the plane even took off.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie didn't get to Chapel Hill until almost eight o'clock that evening. She'd
called Ryan from the road, and was profoundly relieved when her partner sounded
completely lucid. Jamie told her she'd be arriving in just a few minutes, and
when the cab pulled into the drive, Ryan dashed out the door that the friendly
doorman held for her. She had her arms thrown around her partner and was hugging
the stuffing out of her, while Jamie was still paying the cabbie. My sister,
Jamie said to the stunned man, who had been speaking to her in a genteel Southern
accent. She's very affectionate.
Ryan yanked the bag from the back seat, and gave her partner the most inappropriately
sisterly kiss since Sappho was a girl. The shocked driver actually leaned his
head out the window while his car moved very slowly down the driveway, unable
to reconcile the brazen woman locked in a passionate lesbian kiss, with the demure
young lady with whom he had spent the last half hour conversing.
You're scaring the livestock, Jamie murmured, her lips curling into
a grin as she relaxed into Ryan's embrace. They were right in front of the entrance
to the hotel, and the few people entering and exiting the building were openly
gawking at them.
Fuck 'em, Ryan said, leaning in for another kiss.
Honey, as soon as all of this turmoil calms down, could you go back to your
former way of expressing yourself? I feel like I'm married to a merchant marine.
Aye, aye, Ryan said, placing one last tender kiss upon Jamie's lips,
then leading her past the stunned doorman to the safety of their room.
* * * * * * * * * * *
After a long time spent just holding each other, they ventured from the room to
get Jamie a snack. There was a coffee shop in the hotel, and the blonde decided
to order breakfast, thinking that her stomach couldn't handle anything heavier
than a waffle. How are you feeling? she asked after their server left.
Ryan nodded. Better. I uhm
we
spoke today, didn't we?
Raising an eyebrow, Jamie said, Yes
we spoke right after you woke
up.
Huh. I thought Coach Hayes woke me up.
She did
after I called her to tell her I was worried about you.
Oh. I uhm
guess I was pretty out of it.
There was something about her partner's demeanor that Jamie didn't like, and she
was determined to find out what was behind the troubled blue eyes. Reaching across
the table, she grasped Ryan's hand and said, You're not telling me something.
Ryan's eyes didn't meet hers, and Jamie said, Holding something back from
me is the same as lying, Ryan, and I don't want to be lied to. She tugged
on Ryan's hand, then brought it to her lips and kissed it. Please don't
lie to me, honey.
Ryan slumped back into the booth and linked her fingers with her partner's. I
uhm
had a tough night. The sleeping pill knocked me out, but I woke up
again not 10 minutes after I fell asleep.
Jamie didn't say anything, just gave Ryan's hand a squeeze to encourage her to
continue.
I don't remember doing it, but I must have gotten up and taken another sleeping
pill.
Why did you have two? Jamie asked, her eyes wide.
Lynette got me one for last night and one for tonight.
God! No wonder you were so out of it! Do you know what you took?
No, she didn't say.
Jamie was getting more agitated by the minute, and after shooting several irritated
glances off to the counter area, she crooked her finger at someone who Ryan couldn't
see from her vantage point. Their server came over and Jamie jutted her chin out
and glared at her. I can't believe we're the first lesbians to ever visit
this fine establishment, but even if we are, I think you and your pals have giggled
and stared at us long enough. She reached into her pocket and pulled out
a fifty-dollar bill, slamming it onto the table. Here's your tip,
she said, venom dripping from her voice. If you keep your beady eyes off
of us, I'll leave it there. But one more snarky look, and you get stiffed. Your
choice. She turned back to Ryan, her face remarkably composed, You
were saying, sweetheart?
The server stormed away without a word, and Ryan wasn't able to manage one either.
After staring at Jamie with wide eyes she finally said, You're really stressed,
aren't you?
Hell, yes, I'm stressed! Something is going on with you, and it's like pulling
teeth to find out what it is!
Okay, okay, Ryan said. Just then, Jamie's waffle was delivered by
a young man who she guessed was a bus boy. She was a little leery about eating
it, but after inspecting it for foul play she took a bite, even though she wasn't
particularly hungry. She knew that her stomach misbehaved when it was empty for
too long, and she was determined not to vomit at least in public.
Ryan waited for a minute, letting her partner get some of her waffle down, then
said, I must have gotten up again some time during the night. I swear I
don't remember this, Jamie, but I got into the mini bar and drank a few of those
little bottles of liquor.
Placing her fork quietly on the table, Jamie folded her hands together and stared
at the table for a moment. Finally, she lifted her eyes and looked at her partner.
You could have killed yourself. Alcohol and sleeping pills can be a fatal
combination.
I know, I know, Ryan said. I'm sorry, sweetheart
it wasn't
intentional. I just
I was about to go mad from the thoughts racing through
my head. I just
I needed them to stop.
I want to go home, Jamie said, looking at her partner with pain filled
eyes. I want to go home and get you to a psychiatrist. You've got to talk
to someone, Ryan, and I think it should be someone who can prescribe medication.
Ryan's eyes grew wide, and her head started to shake. I don't need that!
Yes, you do! Jamie's green eyes were blazing, and her voice had risen
enough so that all of the other patrons looked her way.
Indicating the waffle, Ryan asked, Are you going to finish that?
No.
Let's go to our room, she said, taking ten dollars out of her pocket
and tossing it to the table.
Jamie nodded and got to her feet. After a moment's indecision, she left the fifty,
since their original server had assiduously avoided eye contact once she had called
her on it. Sixty fucking dollars for a God damned waffle, she grumbled,
walking behind Ryan as they exited.
Ryan snaked an arm around her and said, Your language has gotten a little
colorful lately, too, babe. Should we go to Curseaholics Anonymous?
Best fucking idea I've heard all God damned day, the blonde said,
a hint of a smile settling onto her face.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Once in their room, Jamie started to undress, then stopped and stared at her partner.
Are we allowed to sleep together?
Yeah, Ryan said. Coach apologized for making the stupid rule,
as a matter of fact. She rescinded it yesterday. She's actually been really nice
to me, babe. I didn't even get in trouble for sleeping in.
Jamie said little as she got ready for bed. Her body believed it was barely dinnertime,
but the dark circles under Ryan's eyes indicated it was already past her bedtime.
She wanted to make sure Ryan got some rest, but she was not ready to table their
earlier discussion. Sitting up against the headboard, she patted the mattress,
and Ryan gamely joined her. Lie down and put your head in my lap,
she said, I need to rub some of the bad thoughts out of that troubled little
mind.
I'll be all right, Ryan said. It was just too much yesterday.
It was hard to be away from home, and the reporters and photographers really got
to me. I felt like a lab rat.
It was hard to tell how bad it was, Jamie said. The announcers
said there was a big crowd of reporters, but they never showed them.
It was bad, Ryan said. Luckily, I was able to use the distractions
to concentrate even harder. She shook her head and said, That is such
a gift.
It is, the blonde said, but I think it makes it worse for you
when you come out of your fog. It must have been horrible to be in that little
interview room and have all of those jerks firing questions at you.
That was pretty bad, Ryan agreed. But I was doing fine until
that jerkoff had to tell me the guy died. She reached up and grasped Jamie's
hand and placed it on her cheek. I kept having nightmares about him and
me in the water. He was fighting for air, and I kept putting my hand on his head,
pushing him under. He finally stopped struggling, and I felt an enormous amount
of satisfaction when his lifeless body bobbed to the surface. She shivered
violently and admitted, It was like a never ending nightmare
I had
to make it stop, Jamers.
I understand that, sweetheart, but you can't do that with substances. You'll
be just as bad off as you are now, but with a drug habit!
It was just one night, Ryan said. I've never done anything like
that before, and I won't do it again. I was just so fucking frightened,
she said, her tears starting to flow.
Jamie scooted down and held her tightly. I'm so sorry I talked you into
coming here alone, she said, her own tears mixing with her lover's. I'm
so, so sorry, baby.
It's not your fault, Ryan said. You did what you thought would
help me.
But it's turned out so badly.
It'll be okay, Ryan said. We're together now, and we're staying
together. I don't care if we quit school at this point. All that matters is that
I'm with you.
What are we going to do for the near term? I checked when I was at the airport,
and we can't get a flight to Miami before our scheduled one. Holiday travel is
really heavy.
Ryan sighed and said, I think I should stay and play.
What? Jamie sat bold upright and stared at her. Play?
Yeah. I think it would be best.
But, Ryan
I think your advice to come to North Carolina was good, she said.
Keeping things as normal as possible seems like the right move. I'm feeling
so damned shaky, that I think I'd feel better if I just stayed with the team and
played my heart out tomorrow night. That's what I had decided to do so
I should do it.
All right, Jamie said. If you're sure.
I am. I don't want to go back to California yet. I need to go on that vacation,
baby. I know that will help me as much as seeing a shrink would. It's all arranged,
and I don't want to cancel on Mia and Jordan. Following through with our plans
really feels right.
Jamie gazed deeply into her eyes and said, Here's the deal. We can stay
and follow through with our plans, but no more abusing alcohol and no more sleeping
pills. If you're too stressed to get through this without help I'm going to make
sure you have the help you need, and it's not going to be by self-medicating.
If you need sleeping pills, you're going to get them from a doctor who closely
supervises you.
Deal, Ryan said. My best medicine is to lie in your arms. You
heal me.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie woke relatively early, having gone to sleep at 7 o'clock Pacific time, making
her very well rested by 8 a.m. Ryan was still deeply asleep, and after trying
to just lie in bed and be close to her, Jamie finally had to get up. She used
the facilities and then pulled in the paper and sat down at the small table to
read. The national paper held little interest for her, since she wasn't particularly
mesmerized by colorful graphs and pie charts, and she quickly pushed it away.
Idly looking at the items on the desk she found a copy of the bill for Ryan's
room in Winston/Salem. Attached to it was a note from the student manager.
Ryan, I'm not sure how I'm going to hide the extra charges, but I'll do my
best. Coach said not to bother you with this, but there's a chance that someone
in the accounting department at school will kick this back. So, if anyone says
anything to you, just let me know and I'll take care of it. Shelly
That was nice of her, Jamie thought. Looking at the bill, her eyes nearly
popped out of her head. Neatly itemized were the following charges from the mini
bar:
One Crown Royal $05.00
One Tullamore Dew $05.00
One Seagram's $05.00
One Canadian Club $05.00
One Budweiser $04.00
Liquor total $24.00
The blonde dropped her head to the table and started to cry. My poor, poor,
tortured baby.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan had managed to sleep for nearly 10 hours, and when she woke she was in better
spirits. They had breakfast together, but the taller woman was still not very
vocal, seeming as if she was considering something. You know, there's a
part of me that wants to have a press conference.
What? I know that I told you I like your unpredictability, but this
is too much!
I want to clear something up, Ryan said, nodding her head.
Honey, what could you possible want to clear up?
Ryan gazed at her for a moment, then reached out to grasp her hand, running her
thumb across her palm. It's bugging the shit out of me that everyone seems
so focused on what I did during the
thing. People act like it was just
me and the bad guys, and that's such a misrepresentation of the truth.
Okay
that might be what's happened, but why should that bother you?
Because it diminishes your contribution, she said, blinking
at her. The truth is that we're both alive because of you, Jamie.
She shook her head and said, Well, all three of us are alive because of
you. I guess we would have been fine if we'd let them take Caitlin.
Raising one blonde eyebrow, Jamie gave her a smirk and said, I'd give my
life 10 times over for that child. And so would you.
I know that, sweetheart, I know that. But the general public doesn't seem
to get that, and it's driving me nuts! People think I'm the big hero because I
hung on to the roof of a car, but the heroic thing was you getting into the car
in the first place. And I'm not sure how you did it, but I know you kept them
from killing all of us, one by one.
I'm not sure I can take credit for that, Jamie said. Their own
stupidity and lack of impulse control made them run out of ammo before they could
do it.
No way, babe. If you hadn't warned me about the driver getting out to kill
me he would have. You risked your life to do that, Jamie. There was a very
good chance that he would have been so pissed at you that you would have won the
'who do I hate more' contest.
She gave Ryan a soft smile and said, That didn't occur to me. All that mattered
was your safety.
That's what makes you such a hero, Ryan said, squeezing her hand.
You did what you knew was right ignoring the consequences. You lived
your convictions. She looked away, muttering, Most people don't do
that.
Hey, Jamie said, troubled by the look in Ryan's eyes. What does
that mean? Are you implying that you didn't do that?
Ryan merely shrugged, saying, I could have done better.
Sweetheart
Jamie said, but Ryan hushed her.
I don't want to talk about me right now. I really would like to make it
clear that I believe that you were the key to our survival. I think a press conference
might be the way to do it.
No thanks, Jamie said, shaking her head decisively. I don't
need a bunch of strangers to think I'm a hero. That wouldn't mean a thing to me.
She got up and pushed Ryan's chair back, climbing onto her lap. It means
a lot to me that you think so, though. You're all that matters to me.
You're my hero, Ryan sighed as she rested her head against Jamie's
chest, meaning the sentiment with every bit of her heart.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Just knowing that Jamie was close by improved Ryan's mood dramatically, and she
was whistling a happy tune when the bus pulled up to the arena that afternoon.
Her tune stopped abruptly when she saw a couple of college-aged men trying to
keep a band of reporters from the door of the bus. Fuck me, she mumbled
under her breath, preparing for another onslaught.
Jaleesa, the back-up center, gave Ryan a determined look and said, Follow
me.
As they filed out of the bus, the cameras came dangerously close to their heads,
and Ryan saw Jaleesa's elbows start flying. The young woman looked like a female
version of Shaquille O'Neal as she started pushing people from their path, and
in a few minutes they were safely inside the players' entrance. Mary Hayes turned
to Jaleesa and said, Let's see those elbows during the game, huh?
The large woman just gave her the usual lazy smile she seemed to reserve for the
coach alone. Ryan guessed it meant, Screw you, but it was impossible
for the casual observer to know what was on the quiet woman's mind.
As soon as they hit the locker room, Coach Hayes was on the phone, angrily demanding
to see the athletic director. The players stood around in uncomfortable silence,
never having seen the woman lose her temper. A few minutes later a man in a rumpled
gray suit arrived, and the coach pulled him right into the locker room, away from
any prying reporters.
Listen, she growled, poking him in the chest with her index finger,
I spoke to the NCAA today, and I told them that if we were subjected to
the kind of disturbing scene that we got at Wake Forest, I was pulling my team
off the court! There were flashes popping all night and sports photographers
know not to do that. They did a crappy job of policing the media, and if you do
the same we're out of here! Usually, I know you wouldn't care if Cal walked
out on you, but tonight it will be the top story nationwide. Is that what you
want the country to see?
No, no, of course not, he said, trying to smooth her feathers. I'll
personally see to it that no one uses a flash. The sports photographers are all
hooked up to our electronic synching system. The problem comes from a few independents
who are looking for a fast buck. They're obviously not trying to take shots of
the game, he said, not mentioning who they were taking shots of.
Handle it, Mary said, glaring at him menacingly.
I will, I most certainly will, he said. Now, when can you have
Ms. O'Flaherty ready for a post-game interview? We've had requests from everybody
in the South to get in on this.
She'll be ready
she paused for effect, when hell freezes
over. Nobody on earth is going to force me to subject her to that kind of torture
again.
But Coach, it's in the contract! Your players must be made available for
post-game interviews.
Sue me, she growled, turning her back and stalking away.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The game was tight, with the lead switching back and forth between the teams for
the first three quarters. Cal was hanging tough against a much better opponent,
and late in the fourth quarter Ryan had finally figured out a move to lose her
defender. For the fifth time in a row she head faked her, once, twice, then executed
a neat little dribble-drive, leaving the other woman's feet planted firmly on
the floor. As Ryan elevated, someone right behind the basket shot off a powerful
flash, temporarily blinding her just as the ball left her fingertips. The shot
was good, but the flash prevented her from seeing the center, who rushed to cover
for the forward that Ryan had ditched. Ryan had no idea the large woman was underneath
her, and she started to drop, only to have the defender push her roughly as she
started to descend upon her. Unable to see, Ryan could not protect herself, and
she fell to the floor from her elevated position
dropping like a rock to
land flat on her back.
It was impossible to tell if she hit her head or not, but there was a very loud
crack when she landed
sending the gym into stunned silence. The only sound
for several seconds was the soft whirring of cameras as their auto-winders took
hundreds of photos of the prone woman; then the frantic clicking of Mary and Lynette's
heels as they rushed across the hardwood to tend to her, and the determined footsteps
of one terrified blonde woman, who was rushing down the steep concrete steps of
the arena at an astonishing pace.
Jamie reached an impasse when she arrived at the lowest level. The section was
reserved for VIP's, and the entrance was guarded by several security people. That's
my partner on the floor, she shouted, trying to make the guards let her
go without having to resort to bloodshed, which she was perfectly willing to commit
if need be.
She received a blank look, so she pulled out her trump card. We're the ones
from TV, she said. She was on the roof of the car
I was inside
with the nuts with the guns
Oh! I did see your picture, the head guard said. Is that uhm
Ryan on the floor now? I wasn't really watching the game, he said.
Is she hurt?
How can I know that when I'm talking to you? she asked, trying to
be patient enough so he would allow her in, but determined enough so that he didn't
try to wave her off.
Let me take you down to the locker room, he said. To get to
her from here you'd have to climb over the press table. I can't imagine you want
to do that, do ya, ma'am?
No, of course not, she said. Just get me there in a hurry. She
has a history of head trauma.
Don't doubt it, ma'am, he said in his lazy drawl, thinking of the
antics he had seen her perform to stay attached to the car. Don't doubt
it at all.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When Coach Hayes and Lynette slid up to Ryan, they were both relieved to see that
her eyes were open and focused. She was holding her gut and gasping for breath,
but as Mary leaned over her, the groaning woman wheezed out, Air!
and the coach was confident that her center would be fine.
The trainer was now part of the huddle, and as Mary leaned over again she whispered,
Stay down until you feel totally fine, Ryan. We need you in the game, and
if they hustle you off the court until you get your breath back, the game will
be over.
Even with the pain that radiated in waves from her midsection, Ryan managed to
nod, showing she understood. Lynette stood a few feet from Ryan, trying to block
the view of the assembled photographers. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw
a blonde tornado burst through the doors of the locker room, and she ran to head
her off, catching her just a few feet past the door. She's fine, the
large woman said immediately. Just got the wind knocked out of her.
But her head!
Didn't hit it. I'm sure, Jamie. I saw her fall. She curled up like a possum
on the way down. Weirdest thing I ever saw. That's why she's so out of breath.
Her entire body weight landed on just the flat of her back.
Are you sure? the smaller woman demanded, her green eyes sparking
fire.
Yes. I'm positive. Coach wants her to stay down until she feels fine. Look,
she said, pointing in Ryan's direction. She's got her knees up so she can
catch her breath, and they wouldn't let her do that if they were worried about
her spine or her head. She tried to urge Jamie back into the locker room,
but found that the much smaller woman was hard to move against her will. Come
on, Jamie. If the press sees you, it's gonna be a zoo.
She nodded, finally reassured when she saw Ryan's left foot tapping on the floor,
indicating that she was tired of lying down. Tell her I love her,
Jamie demanded, scowling at Lynette until the older woman promised that she would.
By the time Lynette got back to the huddle, Ryan was up, shaking off attempts
to assist her to the bench. The North Carolina team doctor came over and insisted
on looking at her pupils and making sure she was aware of her surroundings. What's
your name? he asked as he leaned over and shone a bright penlight in each
eye.
On the verge of kicking North Carolina's ass, Ryan grumbled, if
their team doctor gets out of my damned way.
She's fine, he said, as he stood and nodded to Coach Hayes.
The cameras had not stopped during this entire interlude, but Ryan barely noticed
them any longer. With unerring accuracy, she let her senses speak to her, and
somehow felt Jamie's eyes boring into her. She lifted her head the second the
doctor left, and immediately fell into the warm regard of her partner, who was
standing against the partially hidden wall that led to the locker room. She kissed
her hand, closed her eyes and blew the kiss, not pointing it in Jamie's direction,
due to fear that the press would spot her little hiding place. Even though the
kiss wasn't delivered to the exact address, it was very welcome, and Jamie blew
several in return that Ryan noticed out of the corner of her eye.
She had obviously been fouled on the shot, and the referee came over to see if
she was able to continue. Hell, yes, she said, scowling as she brushed
by him.
Walking calmly towards the free throw line, she concentrated for a long moment,
letting the photographers have their fun, then she made the little X over her
heart that she used to show Jamie she was thinking of her, and let the ball fly,
scoring another much needed point.
She didn't score for the remainder of the game, but that was good news indeed.
North Carolina smothered her with two defenders at all times, and that left someone
open on every possession. Drizslava canned a couple of jumpers, Franny launched
a three that went to the heart of the basket, and just like that it was
over. Cal had prevailed 81-79, and every player on the team knew that they had
stepped up a level in class by beating one of the premier squads in the nation
on their home court.
Jamie was inside the locker room waiting for her, and even though Ryan knew that
was an act that would probably merit the death penalty, she had to spend just
a moment reassuring the frantic-looking woman. Did you hit your head?
Jamie asked before Ryan could utter a word.
Nope. I promise. I barely ruffled my hair. I landed full on my back.
Is your back all right?
Yeah. I feel fine, really. Just got the wind knocked out of me.
Jamie placed both hands on Ryan's sweaty chest and looked up into her eyes. Swear?
I swear. I'm fine.
The look of pure worry gave way to an equally bright smile. Great game!
the smaller woman cried, giving her a big hug. You kicked butt, baby!
Thanks, honey, Ryan said. Now scoot! Grab a cab and meet me
back at the hotel. I'll let you kiss all of my bruises for me.
That's the best offer I've had all day.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan walked into the room and tossed her key on the dresser. Jamie was lying on
the bed, watching television, and when Ryan saw what was on, she flopped onto
the bed next to her. This is so weird, she said, watching the image
of her own body lying on the floor of the gym. I don't know how famous people
ever get used to this.
At first, they seek it, Jamie said.
Ryan shivered as she said, That's beyond my ken. Why anyone would want to
see their private lives served up for the world's enjoyment is beyond my ability
to understand.
Oh! Jamie jumped from the bed and grabbed a piece of paper. Call
this number!
Ryan took the offered cell phone, and the paper, and started to dial. You
gonna tell me who I'm calling?
Nope. It'll be obvious.
Smiling at her partner, the number connected and Ryan waited until an ecstatic
sounding woman said, Hello?
Uhm
hello?
Ryan?
Yeah.
I made it! I made it! I made it! I made it! I made it! Jordan cried.
Wee ha! Ryan shouted, enormously happy for her friend. When
did you find out?
About two hours ago, she said. I called Mia first, and then
you. You don't mind being second, do you?
As it should be, Ryan said. I am so tremendously happy for you,
Jordan, she said in a serious tone of voice. To work so hard for something,
and finally have it happen is something that few people get to experience. I'm
thrilled that you're one of them.
Thanks, Ryan. I spoke to Jamie earlier, so I know you're okay, but I was
pretty freaked out when I turned on the news tonight.
News? Don't tell me they still have us on the news in Colorado! Jesus, the
incident was a week ago!
No, no, they had a long teaser at the start of the newscast, showing you
on the floor, looking like you were dead! The announcer said, 'You know her as
a hero. Tonight Ryan O'Flaherty, the reluctant hero, lies on a gymnasium floor,
fighting for her life once again.' Freaked me out, pal.
There was a momentary pause, before Ryan could gather herself enough to shout,
They said that?
Yep. They didn't tell the whole story until fifteen minutes into the newscast.
They just try to jerk the viewer around.
Jordan, I've gotta go, Ryan said. It's almost eight o'clock
at home, and my father always watches the eight o'clock early news. If they show
that footage, he'll freak!
Okay, Ryan. See you guys tomorrow.
We love you, Jordan, and congratulations again, pal.
Ryan rolled her eyes, saying to Jamie, Did Jordan tell you about the news
in Colorado?
No, what happened?
What happened is that Da's gonna have a heart attack if I don't get him
before the news starts.
I called him from my cell as soon as I was sure you were okay, Jamie
said. The whole family was watching the game together. It was on Fox, remember?
Oh, right. She was making a sour face as she dialed, and Jamie watched
her do so, her stomach clenching with tension as she considered that the incident
had taken place a week ago, and was still managing to be just as newsworthy as
it had been then. Thanks, honey, she said, forcing a smile as she
waited for someone to pick up.
After Ryan was finished calming her family down, Jamie got on the phone and worked
on her side of the family for a while. After she finished talking to her father,
grandfather and Mia, she looked at her watch and saw that it was nearly midnight.
It's early in Italy, but I'm gonna call my mom, she said. She'll
see this on CNN if she tunes in and I don't want her to freak.
I'm gonna go soak in the tub, Ryan said. Come join me when you're
finished. Oh, and be sure to tell your mom I love her.
I always do, Jamie said.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Early the next morning, Jamie sat on the edge of the tub and once again dialed
her mother's number. Buon giorno, she said in greeting.
Hello, sweetheart, Catherine said. Did you sleep well?
Better, but still not great. Being with Ryan helps a lot. I know you're
worried about her, so I thought I'd let you know that she got a decent nights
rest, too.
I'm worried about both of you, Catherine said. I'm still not
sure I did the right thing coming over here.
You can be home in a day if we need you, Mom. Being in Italy soothes your
soul. I think you need that right now.
I do, she admitted, but being away from you is hard.
It's hard for me, too, but I'd be worried about you if you were down in
Hillsborough. The reporters would really drive you mad.
Oh, Jamie, surely they've given up by now!
No, apparently they haven't. I called Marta last night to tell her that
Ryan was okay, and she said that she drove by yesterday. She said they're all
around the front entrance. I told her to not even think about going back until
they're all gone.
Thank you for that, honey. There's nothing for her to do, anyway, other
than take in the mail.
The mailman will hold it if there's too much. Don't worry about it.
Oh, I don't, Catherine said. The last week has taught me a lesson,
Jamie. Those petty concerns of life are truly meaningless. All that matters is
the people that you love.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Their flight to Miami was close to the time that the team flight left for San
Francisco, so Ryan graciously accepted Coach Hayes' offer to ride with the group
to the airport. Once they were in their seats, Jamie giggled, I feel like
I've been let into the inner sanctum.
Near as I can tell, you're the first person who's not affiliated with the
team to ever ride on the bus, Ryan said. I hope you feel appropriately
special.
Coach Hayes came ambling down the aisle, and she stretched out in the seat just
in front of the pair, giving them a surprisingly warm smile. Are you feeling
okay, Ryan? That was some tumble you took last night.
Yeah, I'm fine, she said. Luckily, I had time to curl myself
up into a little ball to avoid hitting my head. That would have been nasty.
Everything okay upstairs? she asked, tapping her own head.
The coach shot a quick glance at Jamie, and Ryan said, I told her what happened
after the Wake Forest game.
I'm worried about you, the coach said quietly. Do you often
use alcohol to cope?
No, no, I don't, Ryan said. The sleeping pills just whacked
me out, Coach. I'm very susceptible to things like that. I never should have taken
them.
I uhm
feel like the world's biggest asshole for even asking this,
the coach said, but I'd really like it if you'd come to the rest of our
away games, Jamie. I don't think Ryan should be alone more than she has to be.
We're stuck like glue, the blonde replied. She's not getting
out of my sight.
Rolling her eyes, Ryan said, I'll be fine once the hoopla has died down.
With any luck, things will be normal by the time we get home. Once I can focus
again, I'm sure I'll feel just fine.
I hope you two enjoy yourselves, the coach said. I can't think
of anyone who needs a vacation more than you do.
Thanks, Ryan said, smiling as the woman made her way back to her seat.
Weird, Jamie said. Who's the real Mary Hayes? That one's positively
sweet!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Part 4
Ryan, if you don't take your nose away from the window, you'll break it
if we have a bumpy landing. Jamie was peering at her partner from the seat
behind Ryan's, the narrow plane necessitating that they sit single file.
Don't you love tiny planes? the dark-haired woman asked, her voice
nearly giddy. It's like you're really flying!
We are flying, love, Jamie gently said.
No, no, Ryan said, trying to make her point understood. It's
like you're flying
rather than a plane flying you.
I guess I can see your point, she said. You do feel a lot more
in one of these little guys.
This is one thing I'd love to learn how to do, Ryan said, her excitement
nearly bubbling over.
We can't afford it, Jamie said to the back of her head, uttering that
phrase for the first time in their relationship.
WHOA! Ryan's face was plastered against the glass as the plane made
a steep, banked turn. But she wasn't commenting on the turn
she was commenting
on the beautiful island that had just come into view. Oh, baby!
Looks pretty nice, Jamie said, peering out the window.
I can't see! Mia said.
Shoulda picked the right side of the plane, Ryan said. You got
first choice.
You'll see plenty when we land, Jordan said. I won't let you
miss a thing.
Who am I kidding? You're the only thing I want to see, Mia turned
and smiled at the slight blush that colored Jordan's pale cheeks. You've
been inside so much you lost all of your tan. I hope you don't burn this weekend.
Not to worry. I generally don't burn, but I brought a lot of sun block,
just in case. You can put it on me, she said, her voice dropping to send
a tingle down Mia's spine.
After a few good bounces, the small plane finally skidded to a halt, and the excited
tourists climbed down the stairs and into a very warm, salt-infused breeze. Thank
you, Jesus! Ryan cried as soon as the tropical air hit her lungs.
What are you crying about, Boomer? Jordan asked. I've been ass-deep
in snow for a month!
True, but I've been ass-deep in reporters. I'll take the snow any day.
I think we're safe here, Jamie said tentatively, looking around the
small airport terminal. I don't see a news van or a satellite dish anywhere.
Jamers, I've said it before, but I'll say it again
you and your mother
have the best ideas in the whole world! As they walked out to hail a taxi,
Ryan could feel some of the tension and stress she had been carrying begin to
float away. She conjured up the mental image of letting the stress rise from her
body and float up to the ceiling of the terminal, then turned and gave the ceiling
a stern look, growling under her breath, And stay there!
* * * * * * * * * * *
For such a short distance, we sure have been in a lot of vehicles!
Ryan said as they got into their third. The first phase of their trip was in a
cab from the airport to the ferry. From there, the short ferry ride placed them
on Harbor Island, and now they were in their last conveyance a cab headed
for their hotel.
I haven't been here before, so this is new to me, too, Jamie said.
We're gonna have a blast, aren't we, Jordy? Mia declared, smiling
at her partner.
Jordy? Ryan asked, grinning wickedly. Did you say Jordy?
Mia pinched the pale cheek of her lover, beaming a smile at her. Doesn't
she look like a Jordy?
She does indeed, Ryan said, always happy to have another weapon in
her teasing arsenal. She's just a little Jordy-Poo.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Wow. Ryan was on her fourth tour of their two-bedroom cottage, and
so far that was the only word that had come out of her mouth.
Honey, you've wowed your way around the whole place. Is that all you've
got to say?
Wow. The dark-haired woman walked out onto their teak deck, the wind
off the ocean blowing her hair straight back off her forehead. She stood at the
railing, the spa bubbling quietly next to her, and looked across the wide pink
sand beach, into the crystal clear waters of the ocean.
When Jamie came up next to her, Ryan's arm encircled her shoulders. I have
never been so happy to be anywhere in my life, she said, letting out a heavy
sigh. As she filled her lungs with salt-air, her eyes grew wide and she hastily
amended, Except for Pebble Beach, of course.
That's a given, Jamie said, patting her side.
I've never felt as stressed as I have this past week, Ryan said softly,
her voice barely audible as it competed with the snapping of the fabric on the
beach umbrellas on their private deck. I hate to think of what would have
happened if we'd had to go back home after that debacle in North Carolina. Knowing
we were coming here was the only thing that got me through that last game.
It's just bad luck that this all happened during your season. Having to
give those vultures the opportunity to get at you is just sickening.
Yeah. Thank God you're not playing your golf season now. You'd be shooting
scores up in my range!
Well, we're here now, and we're not moving for three whole nights. And since
you've had the harder time lately, you get to choose what we do. I'll go along
with anything
surfing, snorkeling, rock climbing, horseback riding, deep
sea fishing, sailing, kayaking
Ryan placed her fingertips on her lips and said, You
me
a
tropical drink
two beach chairs
that's it.
That's all you want to do for three days? Jamie was certain that her
partner was kidding. Ryan had an insatiable curiosity for places she had never
been, and the smaller woman figured she would want to explore every inch of the
small island.
I would prefer to just stay on this deck, but I'm going to extend myself
and go all the way down there, Ryan said, pointing to the ocean
not
500 yards away.
You're the boss. If you want to lie on a lounge chair for three days, I'm
your woman.
* * * * * * * * * * *
They went into the cottage where Jordan and Mia were already lying on their bed,
their bodies fully entwined. Ryan reached in to close their door, quietly saying,
We're going to the beach. Enjoy!
She smirked at her partner as she headed into their room. Were we all over
each other when we were first together?
Some observers would say we're all over each other now. Is your memory that
poor?
No. It just seems like we've been together forever, you know? Seeing people
just starting out reminds me of how much we've grown in the last few months.
Just over six months, Jamie said. We're gonna have to have a
big celebration for our anniversary.
Sounds good to me. A celebration with you always includes good food, a lot
of kissing and a lot of bare skin. Who's gonna argue?
Speaking of bare skin, here's a little present I bought for you. Jamie
tossed her partner two pieces of fabric, and Ryan caught them defensively when
Jamie's aim was a little high.
A new suit?
Yeah. I thought you'd look cute in that color.
It's nice, Ryan said.
It's called raspberry. The top covers your tummy, she said. I
know you don't burn much, but your cute little tummy hasn't seen the sun since
September, and I don't want you to hurt your precious skin.
Ryan wrestled herself into the new suit and modeled for her partner. The tone
on tone print -- in a color very reminiscent of the berry becomingly flattered
Ryan's body. The camisole-style top sported a deep v-neckline and sturdy spaghetti
straps, designed to stay up even while surfing. The bottoms, which the manufacturer
called surf riders, featured square cut legs with a one-inch inseam.
The suit was made by a company that specialized in surfing gear for women, and
Ryan decided that the ensemble would fill the bill very nicely.
Those bottoms are for when you're active, like surfing or snorkeling,
Jamie informed her. They're long enough so they won't ride up on you
since I know that's your pet peeve.
Indeed it is, Ryan said. Bottoms that ride up are pure evil.
Jamie stuck her hand back into her suitcase and held out another pair of bottoms
and dangled them in front of Ryan. Can we play little dress-up games on
the beach? she asked tauntingly, a sexy smile affixed to her face.
I suppose so, Ryan said. She held up the bottoms, her eyes widening
when she saw how little fabric there was. Oh my! Will you protect my virtue
when I'm out in public in this?
I'll protect yours if you'll protect mine, Jamie said. She started
to put her own new suit on, but was almost forced to stop by a very interested
pair of hands.
Oh, Jamie, Ryan moaned, I've never seen so much of you put on
display
I can't guarantee that I won't get into a fight with the first
guy who leers at you.
Do you like it? the blonde asked. That's all that matters.
Ryan started to walk around her slowly, her head swiveling up and down to assess
her partner's look from every angle. The suit was also a print
at least
Ryan assumed it was. There was so little of it that the pattern barely had space
to repeat, but she assumed that it was, indeed, a pattern. The background was
somewhere between melon and peach, and that contrasted beautifully with the second
color--a sunny yellow.
Every time Ryan tried to walk around her partner, she had to stop as soon as she
saw her from the back. Four thin bands of material were all that covered Jamie's
assets. One band looped around her neck, and another mid-back, working
together to hold up the top. A third came just above the swell of her cheeks,
and the fourth bisected the lush mounds, making Ryan's mouth begin to water. That
was the full extent of coverage, and Ryan decided that from that day forward,
all other clothing was really superfluous. If Jamie could wear this and not be
arrested, why on earth would she ever choose to wear more?
Blinking slowly, Ryan finally made a complete circle, pausing to gaze at her from
the front for a long time. The suit consisted of two tiny swatches of the print
fabric, just barely covering her perky nipples and a portion of her breast, and
another little triangle that made the suit vaguely decent.
Honey, you honestly look like you're gonna drool, the blonde said.
Do you like it that much, or have you had a stroke?
Both, I think, Ryan murmured, unable to keep her hands to herself.
Are you just trying to cut down on foreplay? 'Cause ya have, she said.
I'm good to go.
It's a little early for that, because I have big plans for you for later
tonight. You just slip into those tiny little bottoms, and we'll have a nice afternoon
simmering in the sun.
Oh, I'm simmering already, Ryan growled.
Easy, Tiger, her partner said. We've got a long day, and a longer
night, ahead of us.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie? Ryan said as she batted her big blue eyes at her partner.
Yes, love?
Will you go get me some more conch chowder?
Sure. There's a waiter right over there. I'll call him.
No, she said, I'd like it better if you went. She was
trying to look innocent, but her act always backfired, making her look especially
decadent.
You just want to watch me walk over there, Ryan. I'm on to your tricks.
She leaned over and kissed her partner lightly and said, I love every one
of them, too. She got up, giving Ryan an additional hip thrust for good
measure, and walked back to the small carry-out restaurant that the hotel maintained
right on the beach.
When she returned, Ryan thanked her profusely, her devilish grin unstoppable.
The dark-haired woman ate her soup with profound pleasure, having decided that
conch should be one of the four basic food groups. When she finished, she smiled
over at Jamie and said, One more plate of those chicken skewers with mango
and ginger, and I'll be satisfied.
Ryan, Jamie's uncharacteristically deep voice asked, did you
know that you wanted the chicken when you sent me for the soup?
Uh-huh. Big blue eyes danced merrily, giving the woman the appearance
of a mischievous twelve-year-old.
And you think that's funny, don't you? Jamie asked sternly.
No, it's not funny, Ryan said. Now her blue eyes darkened, and she
took on the appearance of a woman
a woman who had romance on her mind.
Their chairs were touching along their lengths, and as Ryan spoke she leaned over
so far that she was more on Jamie's chaise than her own. When you walk across
that deep sand, you have to sway your hips more than usual. Watching your body
move when you walk that way is one of the most erotic things I've ever seen. The
first time you walked over there, it was all I could do to not slip my fingers
into this tiny suit and bring myself off, she growled.
Jamie rolled onto her side, her face just inches from Ryan's. She traced her features
with a finger, smiling when Ryan's eyes fluttered closed. What about the
second time? she asked softly.
In response, Ryan grinned rakishly and averred, I refuse to answer on the
grounds that my answer might tend to incriminate me.
Jamie blinked and asked, Ryan! You didn't touch yourself in public!
No, I didn't, she said. But you made me so hot I almost had
one of those rare spontaneous combustions.
You are randy today, the blonde said. Just the way I like you.
She got up again and said, Luckily, I love you enough to walk back and forth
across this sand all afternoon if it pleases you.
Ooo, it pleases me
Yes, indeed, it pleases me, Ryan said as
she rolled onto her stomach and placed her head on her braced arms to watch the
show.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When Jamie returned, her partner was just as she had left her, and her dark sunglasses
could not hide the decided leer that had settled on her face. I honestly
don't know if I like you better coming or going.
An impish smile flickered across the blonde's features and she said, I know
I prefer to be coming
When I'm through with you, you won't know whether you're coming or going,
Ryan said, waggling eyebrows punctuating her point.
Sit up and eat your snack, Jamie said. You're gonna need your
strength.
Ryan propped up her chair and took a big cube of chicken into her mouth. Boy,
this is good! she said, munching happily. Can we move here? I think
this place suits my personality perfectly.
Try the drink I brought you, Jamie said. It's the local specialty.
Ryan shrugged and took a big sip, pausing reflectively while she let the liquid
roll around in her mouth for a moment. It's like coconut, but it also tastes
like milk. A lot of sweetness, but the gin cuts that pretty effectively.
She smacked her lips together a few times and said, I like it. A lot!
Then I guess we can move here, she said. I got a soft drink
called Switcher
It's made locally, I think. She took a sip and smiled
broadly as she said, This is good, too. Try it.
Ryan did so, and decided that she liked it as well. She finished off her skewers
quickly, and her coconut milk drink, then lowered her chair again and said, I'm
fed and watered. Time for my nap.
You do have simple needs, don't ya?
Yep. I just have four. I'm either hungry, horny, thirsty or sleepy. Cover
those and you've solved the riddle of Ryan.
You're really not very complex, Jamie said, but I think you're
a little more complex than that.
Maybe just a little, Ryan said, but it is time for my nap.
Let me put some extra sun block on your paler parts, Jamie said. I
refuse to have those pink cheeks burned.
But I'm lying on my tummy.
Those aren't the cheeks I meant, Jamie said. You're not used
to having this pair of cheeks exposed.
No, but I kinda like it, Ryan said. One step closer to nudity
my ultimate goal.
Jamie sat on the edge of her chair, and started to rub the SPF 45 into Ryan's
soft skin. She performed the job rather clinically, but Ryan's motor was running
and she murmured, 'I'm horny' is just about to overtake 'I'm sleepy'.
Behave! Slathering some of the lotion on the small of her back and
down her thighs, Jamie said, We really will be up late. You need a good
long nap.
Okay, the dark woman grumbled, a tiny smile threatening to overtake
her fake frown. You know what?
What?
I couldn't be happier. Lying under a nice palm tree on a pink sand beach,
with clear blue water lapping against the shore, my best girl by my side, our
best friends
somewhere around here, my tummy full. She sighed and
let out a satisfied purr. Thanks so much for arranging for this. She
sat up a little and said, I'm not sure why, but I really feel like I'm on
vacation.
We are on vacation, silly, Jamie said.
No, no, Ryan said. I feel like I'm on vacation up here, too.
I feel like I can turn off my movie for the first time since Thursday.
Best news I've heard in days. Now close those baby blues and sleep for a
good, long time. I'll be right here beside you when you wake up.
'Kay, she said, her voice already sleepy. Jamie lightly rubbed her
back, watching her eyes as they stilled momentarily, and then began to dart about
behind her lids.
That was quick, she said. Her tank was just about empty. Thank God we
could get away for a few days. She needed this even more than she admits.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan stretched and twitched for a few minutes, trying to wake up slowly. Turning
her head to the side she saw her partner, sound asleep, lying on her side. Oh,
my, that's a nice sight to wake to. The tiny top that barely covered Jamie's
breasts while she was sitting up did not do the trick when her partner lay on
her side, and the dark pink edge of one adorable little nipple peeked out at Ryan.
A nice woman would just lie here and wait for her to wake up, she said.
Yeah, and who ever said you were a nice woman? Good point, she answered
herself. Hmm
how best to wake her? There's no ice left in her glass
so that's out
nothing around here but sand
Oh! What do we have here?
A bamboo skewer
with a nice, sharp point. I can do all kinds of tricks
with this.
She knew that Jamie was a tough one to wake in almost all circumstances, so she
decided to indulge her desires and give that cute little nipple a poke to make
it stand up and take notice. With a fiendish look on her face, she reached across
the chair to take her first tentative tickle, not sure how much pressure she could
apply while she entertained herself.
With reflexes faster than a cat, Jamie ripped the stick from her hand and broke
it in half, all without the green eyes even blinking.
What if that had been my finger? Ryan gaped. That crack would
have been my bone!
That's the risk you take when you mess me with, cowboy.
She couldn't stop the grin from showing, and Ryan asked, How long have you
been awake, you little faker?
Just a few minutes. You still looked like you were out, so I closed my eyes
again. You caught me in a rare moment of lucidity.
Just my luck. I was all excited about torturing you for a good long while.
You are such an adolescent boy some times, Jamie said, shaking her
head at the silly grin her partner wore.
You like my inner adolescent boy, and you know it, Ryan said. Remember,
behind every adolescent boy is a furious libido just waiting to get out.
That randy libido can come out and play any old time it wants, Jamie
said, meaning every word.
Great name! Ryan said. I think I'll keep that one.
Okay, Jamie said. If you ever become a porn star, your name
will be Randy Libido. She cocked her head and said, It fits!
* * * * * * * * * * *
When they returned to the room, their roommates had emerged from their bedroom.
Now they were ensconced in the spa, their mouths still attached to one another,
their bodies completely bare. Glancing outside to the hot tub, Ryan commented
dryly, I don't think we're gonna see much of those two.
I'm actually seeing a little more of them than I wish to see, Jamie
said, rolling her eyes a bit.
Ryan shot her a look and said, I'll speak to them if it bothers you.
Jamie shook her head and said, No, I'm joking. If they want to make love
on the deck, it's okay with me. I wanted them to come because I really think they
need some time alone. She came over and pushed Ryan into a chair, climbing
onto her lap and snuggling in. Besides, when they're busy, I don't have
to share you.
Oh
feeling jealous? Ryan rubbed her face into Jamie's neck,
delighting in the scent of her tanning lotion mixed with the tang of salt.
Always. I want to hoard you like a precious metal. They kissed, softly
and slowly, taking their time with each other
letting the emotion build
at a glacial pace. The tender kisses went on and on, and soon Ryan lost track
of where they were and the fact that their friends were just outside. She reached
down and took Jamie's hand, then placed it on her own breast and squeezed firmly,
letting out a little grunt.
Vaguely becoming aware of a rustling sound and a flurry of motion in her peripheral
vision, Ryan slowly came to her senses. Do you two ever give it a rest?
Mia asked, her pink body wrapped in a towel.
Lifting her head just long enough to utter the word, No, Ryan returned
to her partner, continuing to nibble on her lips.
Uhm
do you wanna have dinner together? Mia continued hesitantly,
unused to her friends playing intimately in her presence.
Mmm, Ryan purred sexily, mumbling around Jamie's mouth and tightening
her embrace, not giving any indication of stopping her exploration.
Uhm
okay. Uhm
talk to you later? the curly-haired woman
said, as she started for her bedroom.
Ryan started chuckling, and soon Jamie joined her, both of them laughing harder
every time they looked at each other. Mia, come back here. You have to forgive
Ryan's atrocious manners, she said. She's very bratty today.
I'm not bratty, Ryan said. I'm playful. Big difference.
Okay, Ryan's playful today. Whatever you call it, watch out.
I like it when Ryan's a little wild, Mia said. She was standing by
the pair, and she ran her hand through Ryan's messy hair, settling it a little.
You haven't been very goofy in a while, Ryan, she said, her concern
evident. I hope you can relax down here.
Doing my best, Mia. I had a nice lunch, a nice nap
even a nice coconut
milk drink this afternoon. Just what the doctor ordered.
Jordan had slipped on some running shorts and a mesh tank top, and she came into
the living room and sat on the sofa. She adopted one of her favorite poses, sitting
with her feet pulled up on the cushion, the soles of them touching.
I will never understand how you can get into that position, Ryan said.
Yoga, she said. I've been slacking off for a while, but I'm
concentrating on it again now that I'm not in school. You should try it, Ryan.
It's great for your balance and posture.
I think the last thing I need right now is another thing to do, Ryan
said, but I may look into it when the season's over. I know a bit, and I
was on the verge of really getting into it, but I uhm
lost my motivation.
Was your motivation by any chance a yoga instructor? Jamie asked,
recognizing the look her partner had on her face.
Yup. She was one flexible woman, Ryan said, grinning at the memory.
Goodness, I have a lot to compete against, Jamie said. Body
builders, yoga instructors, what else don't I know about?
You don't have to compete with anyone, Ryan said. You've won
the contest
hands down.
Awww
that's so sweet, Jamie said. You deserve a kiss
for that.
As she leaned in to give her partner her reward, Mia advised, Let us know
about dinner
if you come up for air by then.
* * * * * * * * * * *
They came up for air quickly, and Jamie suggested a dip in the spa. Ryan was stripping
as she walked, unconcerned as usual about her nudity. Jamie decided to shed her
inhibitions as well, and given that her suit was nearly invisible, she didn't
have many to shed. It felt strangely decadent to be sitting on their private deck,
the warm sun and even warmer water caressing their nude bodies.
Yo, Jordan! Ryan called toward the open door to their roommates' bedroom.
You rang? The blonde head poked out of the room. Ryan was pleased
to see that her friend was still clothed, and she didn't look like she'd been
in bed for a change.
Could you go into the mini bar and get me a beer?
Sure. Jamie? One for you?
No. I'll have some of Ryan's.
Jordan went into the bar and called back out, Kalik okay?
Sure. I love all things Bahamian, Ryan said.
Mind if I join you? Jordan asked, bearing two bottles.
Please do, Ryan said. Keep us company.
The dark-haired woman took a long swallow, then leaned her head back against the
edge of the tub. I swear I'm Bahamian at heart. I love everything about
this place. She looked up at Jordan and asked, Can't you see me running
a little surf shop down here? Surf early in the morning, work for a few hours,
eat a little conch for lunch, work a little more, then go snorkeling for a bit
maybe a nice ride across the beach on my horse, play my steel drum while
my baby makes dinner, have a couple of Kaliks while we watch the sun set.
She gave her partner a devilish look and said, Make love on the beach with
the moonlight playing across Jamie's body. What could be better?
I can see it, Jordan said. I think it suits you.
They were all quiet for a while, thinking of how peaceful it all sounded. The
realistic part of Ryan knew that it would never happen that she could never
be away from her family but the fantasy was like a balm for her spirit,
given the tumult of the previous week.
So, tell us all about life at the training facility, Jamie asked.
I know you talk to Ryan on the phone, but she never tells me a thing.
She playfully poked her partner in the ribs.
Okay. Jordan leaned her head back and thought for a moment, then said,
It's kinda like being in college, only you don't have to go to class. They
have dorms and a big cafeteria, and fabulous training facilities, but most of
the women on the team don't live in the dorms. It's sort of a college atmosphere
in the dorms, and they allow high school kids to stay there when they come to
the facility for a short time. It's not a very relaxing atmosphere.
Sounds like it, Jamie said.
As soon as I go back, I'm moving into an apartment with three of the players.
I can live in the dorm for free, but I don't think I'd be happy there long term.
We practice so much that when I don't have to be there I want some normalcy in
my life.
Tell Jamie how much you practice, Jordan, Ryan said. She thinks
I have a tough schedule.
It depends on the day, but with skills drills, plyometrics, weight training,
scrimmages and matches, we usually work around 8 hours a day with weekends
off, of course.
8 hours a day! How can you do that? And what is a plyo
what?
Plyometrics, Jordan said. That's the training we do to make
us jump and leap with more power. And yeah, 8 hours a day is a lot, but we usually
only stick with one drill for an hour or so. There's enough variety that you don't
mind it so much.
Do you like it? Jamie asked, having been unable to get a read on Jordan's
enthusiasm.
Yeah, I like it well enough. I've been to a lot of intensive camps and training
programs in my life, and this one is about the same. The quality of the athletes
is better, of course, but other than that it's about the same as all the rest.
It's a lot of work, some time to rest, and then you go to bed early. She
shrugged her shoulders and said, There's really not much to report. I like
the women well enough, but not many of them took the time to get to know the college
women since only a couple of us were going to hang around. I assume we'll
get to be friendlier as time passes.
Do you go out and do anything? Jamie asked.
Mmm
not really. Making the team was all that mattered, Jamie, so
we all worked our asses off. When we get back to Colorado, they're supposed to
have a big party at one of the local bars to celebrate the new team members. That
should be fun.
But you're happy you made it, right? Jamie asked, still not seeing
much emotion.
Oh, yeah, Jordan said, giving one of her full, warm smiles. It's
been tremendously rewarding, Jamie. It's a life-long dream come true. Not many
people get to live their dreams.
Not many people even have them, Jamie said. Most people just
muddle along and let life take them where it may.
I'm not one of those people, Jordan said.
No, I'd say not, Jamie said.
Mia came out, fresh from a shower, and she sat next to Jordan as the pair shared
a beer. Ryan wants to move here, Jordan said.
I'm in, the smaller woman said. She looked up at her partner for a
moment and asked, Can you imagine how gorgeous this one would be after a
few months down here? All of that tanned skin, with her hair just getting lighter
and lighter. I'd never let you wear more than a bikini top and a sarong.
Jordan looked at Mia with a fond expression and said, Oh, you wouldn't,
would you?
Nope. Just a sarong, worn really, really low on your hips. Of course, some
part of me would be under that sarong most of the time, she said. You
wouldn't have a moment's peace.
I don't need a moment's peace, Jordan said quietly, looking like she
was about to cry. I just need you.
Jamie shot Ryan a look, and they decided to give their friends a little alone
time. They got out of the spa quietly, sparing a quick glance at Mia, who looked
like she was on the verge of revealing her feelings for the tall woman. It was
all Jamie could do not to say, Go for it, girl! but she just took
Ryan's hand, and went back into the cottage to shower and get ready for dinner.
As soon as they were gone, Jordan took Mia by the hand and lay down on one of
the chaises, cuddling the smaller woman tightly against her body. It just
hit me that I probably won't have any time off until the end of September,
she said, her voice quavering with emotion. I can't stand to think of not
seeing you for that long, Mia. The team doesn't pay me much, but I can get some
modeling jobs to get some extra cash. Will you come see me if I pay for your ticket?
she asked, her eyes filled with a mixture of hope and despair.
Of course I'll come see you, Mia said. How could you even ask
that? She kissed her softly, spending a moment experiencing the incredible
softness of the full, warm lips. You don't have to pay for me to come see
you, Jordan. I get a very decent allowance. I just don't always manage it well.
But I'll save every penny if I get to see you in the bargain.
You are so good to me, Jordan sighed, looking into Mia's warm brown
eyes with wonder.
You deserve to be treated well, Jordan. You're a very special woman.
When I'm with you I feel special, she said softly, a faint blush coloring
her cheeks. Jordan's eyes fluttered closed as she whispered, I
I
love
I love
how you treat me, Mia. Her whole body was shaking,
and Mia held her close, wishing she could get her hands on Jordan's parents and
kick their butts for making this wonderful woman feel like she deserved so little.
I care for you, Jordan. I care very, very much, she said, rocking
her slowly as she held her close and placed a wealth of delicate kisses on her
brow.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Honey, Jamie said as Ryan was getting out of the shower. Mia
and I are going to walk down to the liquor store.
Let me go too, she said. I'll just be a sec.
No, you stay here and dry your hair. We'll be right back.
I don't dry my hair in the tropics, Ryan sniffed. I'm free and
wild down here. She tossed her dark head, hitting her partner with a scattering
of water droplets.
Giving her partner a silly grin, Jamie said, Okay
then, how about
I tell the truth? I want to spend a few minutes with Mia alone. She looks a little
upset.
Coulda started there, Ryan said. Saved me from speaking a few
needless sentences.
You relax with Jordan for a bit. I'm sure she's got some things on her mind,
too.
Sensitive chat time, huh?
Not sure, Jamie said. I just feel like something's up.
You're rarely wrong, hon. You two be careful, okay? You have a propensity
for getting into trouble.
Jamie gave her a smile and said, Look who's talking. Trouble is your middle
name.
Ryan had finished drying off and was looking around for something to put on. Jamie
handed her one of the terry cloth robes the hotel provided, and as she shrugged
into it she said, I don't know why that's true. Especially when my personal
motto is, 'Is fear rith maith ná drochsheasamh'.
Which means? Jamie asked, cocking her head a little.
A good run is better than a bad stand, Ryan said, adding a rakish
wink.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ryan sat on the deck, her long legs propped up on the railing. The sun had just
set, and as she watched the small waves breaking on the shore she allowed herself
to enjoy the deep sense of tranquility that enveloped her.
Jordan came out and sat next to her, reaching over to grasp her dangling hand.
The blonde brought it to her lips and kissed the knuckles, smiling at Ryan when
she lazily turned in her direction. Thanks so much for this, Boom. It's
gonna be a long nine months, and being able to remember this weekend will get
me through some lonely nights.
I'm glad you're both here, Ryan said. It wouldn't seem like
New Year's without our friends here with us.
This is slightly preferable to last year, the blonde said. I
went on a blind date with some guy who got stinking drunk and grabbed me so many
times that I actually had bruises. He was one of those tonsil ticklers, too.
She shivered from the memory and said, I think that was my last date until
Mia.
Ryan gave her a smile and said, Mine wasn't bad, but I had a few bruises
myself. She shook her head as she recalled, Thanks to Jamie's urgings,
I'd finally decided to find a steady girlfriend.
Jamie's urgings?
Yep. I'm not sure what her real motivation was
she probably doesn't
know either
but she thought I would be happier if I let someone get close.
She gave Jordan a smile and said, I am happier, by the way, so I can't fault
her reasoning.
Who was the woman? Jordan asked.
A woman from school. Nice person
met her in the same psych class
where I met Jamie. Anyway, I decided to do things differently with her and not
sleep with her until I knew her well. She was generally cool with that, but she
got a little drunk on New Year's Eve, and she tried her best to get me to give
it up. She shook her head in memory and related, I was close
but I kept thinking of Jamie, and that she would be disappointed in me if I didn't
follow through like I said I would. Glancing at Jordan she said, I
think both Jamie and I knew there was something going on between us, but we just
couldn't admit it. I think that's why I didn't sleep with my date that night.
She just wasn't Jamie.
Jordan nodded somberly and slowly tilted her head back until she was gazing up
at the faint stars, barely visible against the pale blue background of the sky.
Speaking of admitting something, I almost told Mia I loved her this afternoon.
You know, Ryan said, I don't know why, but it seemed like you
were both headed there. That's why we left. It seemed like there was a lot of
emotion whirling around out here.
Yeah, there was, she said. I lost my nerve right in the middle
of it, of course. I told her I love
how she treats me.
Ouch, Ryan said, wincing. Well, look at the bright side
you can always do it later. Some poor woman told me that she loved me once. I
gave her this totally stupid look and said, That's nice. She slapped
herself in the head and grumbled, Think I was stuck on myself enough?
Aw
don't be so hard on yourself. What else can you say when someone
tosses that at you when you're not ready for it?
Is that what you're worried about, Jordan? Are you afraid Mia doesn't feel
the same?
The blonde hair brushed against Jordan's shoulders as she shook her head. No,
not any more. I mean
she talks about us like we're a couple, Ryan. Did
you hear her talking about living down here? I think she really wants us to be
together for a long time
I think she does love me, Ryan.
She said this with so much regret in her voice that Ryan was completely puzzled.
Is that a bad thing? she asked.
No, no, it's a good thing. It's a very good thing
but only in some
ways. She looked up at Ryan and said, What do I do, Ryan? I can't
have her just hang around and wait for me to quit playing my little game. I'm
gonna be all over the world this year
we play in Asia, and Europe and South
America. That's not the way to start a relationship, Ryan. I just don't know that
it's fair to her.
You have to let her determine what's fair for her, Jordan. She's a big girl,
and she can make her own decisions. Be honest with her and let her decide
You owe her that much.
She nodded, acknowledging that Ryan had a point. I'll see if the time is
right. I'm thinking about asking her to stay in Florida for a few days to watch
our tournament. Would she have any trouble switching her tickets?
No, they're fully refundable. She can change them as many times as she wants.
Maybe I'll talk to her at the end of the tournament and see if she thinks
we should commit to each other. Then she'll know what it's like to be around the
team, and if she can see herself fitting in.
She's not trying out for the team, Jordan. It doesn't matter if she doesn't
like the other women.
Well, in a way it does, Ryan. I'm gonna share an apartment with three of
them. It would be a long year if Mia hated 'em.
Are they nice women?
She shrugged and said, Two are. They're a couple, so they're gonna share
a room which will give me a single. But the other woman is kinda
oh, I don't know. She seems to have a thing for me
makes me a little uncomfortable.
You don't have a lot of experience with this yet, pal. You'll figure out
how to say no without being rude.
Yeah, I know. Hey! she said. If I bring Mia to Florida that
will give my teammate the message.
Her and everyone else you encounter, Ryan said.
Jordan blinked at her and said, I don't know why I was so freaked about
anyone finding out about me. The whole team is totally cool with the lesbians,
and the coaching staff is as well. I'm gonna poke my head out of the closet and
see how the world looks.
I think you'll like the view, Ryan said. Just make sure that
Mia wants her head poked out as well.
Jordan rolled her eyes and said, If it's not one thing, it's another! Damn,
sometimes I envy straight people. All they have to work on is the relationship.
They don't have to spend time worrying about what society will think of them.
Yeah, but they don't get to have a parade, Ryan said, her eyes crinkling
up in a grin.
Well, that makes it all even out, Jordan said, slapping Ryan playfully.
They relaxed for a few more minutes, just listening to the distant sound of the
waves hitting the shore. Jordan reached over, and placed a hand on Ryan's shoulder
and asked, It's been over a week now, buddy, how are you?
Really? Ryan asked. Sure you want to know?
Of course! Jordan said. Damn, Ryan, I've shown you the darkest
corners of my psyche. Of course I want to hear how you're dealing with this. That's
what friends are for.
You're right, she said. She spent a moment thinking of her current
emotional state, then said, It's a little hard to describe
the only
way I can think of it is in terms of weather.
Weather?
Yeah. It feels like it's one of those nice, warm, breezy days in the middle
of summer. It looks just perfect out, but there's something some indefinable
feeling that gives you the sense that things aren't what they seem. Without
warning, the weather changes dramatically, and you get a horrible thunderstorm
with rain, and hail and maybe even a tornado. In retrospect, you knew something
bad was going to happen, but you just couldn't put your finger on it. She
shrugged her shoulders and said, That's how I feel. I know something bad,
and dark and devastating is right under the surface but I'm in this wonderful
place with the woman I love, and our best friends. I'm trying my best to really
enjoy this but it's hard to relax, because I know it won't last long.
She shivered from head to toe and added, It's hard for me to talk about
this. Can we stop?
Jordan got out of her chair, and crouched down in front of her friend. Sure,
we don't have to talk about it. But if you change your mind, I'm never more than
a phone call away. I've been through some tough times, too, Ryan, and I want to
help you through this if I can.
Leaning forward, Ryan kissed the silky blonde hair and said, Thanks. I know
you'll be there for me. I'm just trying to keep a lid on for a few days, buddy.
I'm trying to hold reality off for as long as possible.
Jordan wasn't at all sure that was the best idea, but she knew that Ryan wasn't
easily dissuaded when her mind was made up, so she just gave her a hug and stood
up. Another beer? she asked.
Yeah. I'd love one, she said, giving her friend as relaxed a smile
as she could fashion.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Walking down the shop-filled streets of Eleuthra, Mia patted her friend's shoulder
and asked, How are things, babe? You both seem remarkably sane, given what
you've been through in the last week.
I'm afraid that 'seem' is the operative word, Jamie said. We're
both really shaky, Ryan more so than I am.
She doesn't seem shaky. Is she good at hiding things like that?
Yeah, she is, Jamie said. She seems to think that she can just
stuff her feelings down, and they'll eventually go away. She's balking at going
to therapy with me, which scares me. I'm afraid it's really going to be a struggle.
Is she antagonistic to therapy?
No, she's very supportive of my being in therapy, and she's benefited from
it herself when she was younger.
Why the change? Mia asked. If it helped her before, it seems
kinda odd that she's resisting now.
I can only assume that she's never been this frightened and this angry,
Jamie said. I think the intensity of her feelings really scares her. In
the past, she's mostly been dealing with grief this is so much more than
that. She's angry, she's frightened, she feels guilty about contributing to that
guy's death
It's so much for her to deal with.
If you ever want to talk about it, you'll let me know, right, James?
You're first on my list, Mia. Well, the emergency number for my therapist
is technically first but you're the first one that I call when I'm not
on the clock!
I don't mind being second to a professional, Mia said. I just
want you to remember that both of you were involved, hon. This isn't all about
Ryan, you know.
I know, Mia, Jamie said. I have my issues, too. It's just easier
for me to focus on Ryan right now. As soon as we get back, I'm going to be sitting
on Anna's doorstep when she arrives every morning. She'll yank me out of focusing
on Ryan, she said.
They walked along, looking into shop windows, and Mia pulled to a stop in front
of an elegant jewelry store. Wistfully, she asked, Do lesbians get engaged?
Uhm
I guess so, Jamie said. I mean, I've never known
any who have, but I don't see why you couldn't. She tucked an arm around
Mia's waist and said, You're really hooked, aren't ya?
Oh, God, it's awful! I desperately want to quit school and go back to Colorado
with her. Looking at the rings, she said, I used to pass by jewelry
stores and pick out the ring that I thought would look best on me. Now I try to
find the one that would show off those long, elegant fingers. She gave Jamie
a racy grin and asked, Have you ever looked at her hands? I swear, she has
the longest fingers I've ever seen!
Is that a good thing? Jamie asked.
Now that I've taught her how to use them, it is, Mia said, giggling.
She took Jamie's hand and they started to walk again. I've got to tell her
how I feel, James. It's just not fair to hold it in any longer.
You'll do it as soon as you think the time is right, Jamie said. Be
honest with her, honey. That's always the best option.
But I have so much training in deceit, the curly haired brunette said.
I'm ill prepared for this honesty stuff.
* * * * * * * * * * *
I had a feeling that you couldn't resist a little shopping, Ryan said
as she watched her partner and Mia struggle up to the cottage.
They had the coolest stuff! Mia said. I'm gonna dress my sweetie
like a Bahamian princess!
I'm game, Jordan said as she stood to help her friends bring their
loot in. I'm a little bummed I didn't get to go with you, though, I love
to shop.
You are the perfect woman, Mia sighed, standing on her tiptoes to
offer a kiss. Gorgeous, sexy, fun-loving, athletic
and you like to
shop. It's like being with a gay man!
A gay man has one asset I lack, Jordan said playfully.
Not really, Mia said. He might have one, but I couldn't make
it work right, so why bother? Besides, she said, flicking a finger across
Jordan's breast, You have two assets that a guy doesn't have, and I've discovered
that I'm remarkably fond of them.
Jamie said, You know, this is Ryan's one weakness. She dislikes shopping
so much, it's almost like being with a guy a straight guy, that is.
Hey! I resent that! the dark beauty cried.
Do you dispute it? Jamie asked.
No, but I still resent it, she said. You know I'll shop with
you if you ask me to.
Jamie rolled her eyes at her friends and said, She just doesn't get it.
Shopping is no fun if your companion accompanies you just because you ask her
to. She shook her head regretfully, and said, She just doesn't have
the gene.
Let me show you what I got for you, Mia said to Jordan, her excitement
building. You're gonna look soooooo sexy.
Just put it on, guys. Take it off each other later, Ryan said. I
want to have dinner soon.
We'll be ready in a flash, Mia said. Where are we going?
Dinner is included with the room, Jamie advised. Do you want
to go to the restaurant, or have dinner delivered here? She shot Ryan a
look and said, I already know your vote.
Here's fine with me, Jordan said. We can turn on the radio and
dance on our deck.
That works for me, Mia said.
I'm surrounded by agoraphobics, Jamie said, but she dutifully went
to phone in their order.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Are you in a blue mood, a red mood, or a pink mood? Jamie asked when
they reached their room.
I'm not in any particular mood, Ryan said. You may dress me
up like your little doll.
Okay, Jamie said, a happy smile on her face. I think I'll dress
you in the outfit I brought for you from home.
You brought me something from home?
Yeah. I got a few things when I bought your new suit. I knew you hadn't
packed hardly anything, and I was not going to have you wearing your warm-ups
all weekend.
So, let me see what I'm wearing, Ryan said, as she doffed her robe.
What kind of underwear do I need?
None, Jamie said, batting her eyes. I've taken care of everything.
She handed Ryan a pair of satin panties in a pure white. Ooo, a thong,
Ryan said. Stepping into the panties, she slid them up her powerful thighs and
smoothed them into place, adding a sexy hip shake to keep her partner interested.
Smacking her dry lips together, Jamie handed her a long strip of dark blue and
white print fabric. Ryan accepted it and gazed at her partner in question. It's
a bandeau top. Let me help you put it on. Ryan smiled at her, and stole
a few kisses as Jamie urged her to bend over so she could more easily reach her.
She slipped the material around Ryan's back and cradled her breasts into the fabric,
then she tied the ends together, a neat little knot nestling between Ryan's full
breasts. Stand up, and let me make sure you're covered. Ryan did so,
and Jamie fussed with the fabric for a moment until she was satisfied with the
look. Perfect, she said, bending to place a gentle kiss on each breast.
Do I get more, or am I finished? Ryan said.
I've got a little more for you, Jamie said. She handed her a pair
of slacksunstructured, with a drawstring waist. The casual nature of the
slacks was offset by the luxurious fabric -- a pure silk, white as the moon.
These are gorgeous, Ryan murmured, stepping into them. Jamie adjusted
them so they hung down low, just past her navel, which the smaller woman tickled
for good measure.
One more tiny item, Jamie said, handing Ryan a blouse made out of
the finest, most translucent fabric she had ever seen.
What is this? Ryan gaped, holding the fabric up to the light.
It's gossamer, she replied. Jamie settled it on her shoulders, then
buttoned the two buttons and tied the tail off just under Ryan's breasts. She
stood back to take her partner in, but decided that she needed to see her under
the moonlight. Taking her by the hand, they walked through the open doors of their
room and stood on the deck, the brilliant light of the moon shining down on them.
You are an absolute vision of beauty, the smaller woman murmured,
her eyes unable to stop raking up and down her partner's body.
I feel beautiful when I see how your eyes sparkle when you look at me,
Ryan said softly, her blush visible even in the moonlight. Not many people
have made me feel beautiful. It's a very nice feeling. She bent and kissed
Jamie softly, letting her emotion spill out through the kiss. Now let me
revel in your beauty, she whispered.
Smiling up at her, Jamie took her hand and went back into their room. One
more thing, the smaller woman said. She took out a thin band of the blue
and white print and tied it around Ryan's hair as a headband, keeping the untamed,
slightly wavy locks back from her face. Okay, you can go outside now,
she said.
I don't get to watch you get dressed?
Nope. Go make us a drink. I bought everything to make your favorite new
concoction.
All right, Ryan grumbled, her shoulders drooping a little in disappointment.
Jamie patted her on the butt and chided, Don't pout, now. I like to fuss
a little, and that's hard to do when you watch me.
Well, given that I always enjoy the finished product, I guess I shouldn't
complain.
That's the spirit. Now scoot.
Ryan walked into the living room and started to concentrate on re-creating the
rich local drink, throwing out her first three attempts. Tasting her fourth try
she mused, Hmm
a little more coconut water and I'm there.
A pair of warm arms encircled her waist and she lost track of what she had been
doing as her body reacted automatically, her hips unconsciously swaying against
her partner. Placing her drink on the bar, she turned in Jamie's embrace and immediately
let out a low whistle. Good God, she whispered. Are you sure
I didn't die when I fell on the court in North Carolina? There's no way that a
creature as beautiful as you are can be a mere human.
I bet you say that to all the angels, Jamie said, leaning back in
her embrace to regard her lovingly.
No, I don't, Ryan said. I'm a one woman woman
here in
heaven as well as on earth.
Is that true, Ryan? Jamie asked softly. Would you choose me
over every other person on earth as well as in heaven?
In this world
in the next. No matter what form we're in
if
it's possible to be with you for all eternity, that is my choice. You're the only
woman in my life, the dark-haired beauty whispered. Forever and ever.
I love you, Ryan. She stood tall and let her partner come to her.
Their lips met gently, just tasting each other for a few moments, knowing they
had plenty of time to savor each other later in the evening.
Ryan pulled back a little and murmured, I haven't had a chance to fully
appreciate your dress. Will you model for me?
Sure. Giving her partner a sexy grin, Jamie stepped back and did a
slow turn, twitching her hips a little as she did so. Ryan took in the grass-green
and sunny yellow print, marveling at the fine, intricate pattern of the material.
The dress was sleeveless and nearly backless, obviously held up by some temporary
suspension of the laws of nature. The bodice fit like a second skin, and then
the dress flared just enough to allow Jamie to move freely. It was short
just about the perfect length in Ryan's educated opinion
with a slit in the
back that allowed the cool blue eyes to get an occasional glimpse of creamy white
thigh.
That is the perfect dress, Ryan said. I don't know how you do
it, but you've once again managed to highlight every one of your many glorious
assets. Just spectacular, Jamie.
Aren't you glad one of us likes to shop? she asked rhetorically as
she took her partner's hand and led her onto the deck.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jordan and Mia had just emerged from their room at the opposite end of the cottage.
Their outfits were tailor made for each woman's individual style, highlighting
her distinctive coloring. Jordan wore a sky blue bandeau top covered with a print
of bright white hibiscus flowers. A low-slung sarong hung on her hips, the fabric
the mirror opposite of her top pure white with sky blue hibiscus dotting
it.
Mia wore something she described as a pareo dress. A long swath of fabric draped
over one shoulder, then covered her chest and wrapped around her waist, covering
everything required and not much more. The background was a deep tan, almost the
color of café con leche, with a bright white over-print.
Very nice, girls, Ryan said, enormously glad they had decided to stay
in. There were a large number of single men on the island mostly college
guys from the Statesin Eleuthra for a little warm-water surfing. She knew
that they'd be fending guys off all night, given their alluring styles of dress
and the last thing she wanted was any more stress.
Who knew such a beautiful woman lurked under those big T-shirts and jeans?
Jordan said, drawing a slight flush from her tall friend.
I might surprise you, but surely Jamie doesn't, Ryan said, trying
to get the spotlight off herself. She's gorgeous in everything she wears.
This is true, Jordan said. You look fabulous, Jamie, she
said, her eyes reflecting the sincerity of her compliment.
They heard a sharp knock on the front door, and Jamie went to answer. Two young
men delivered four trays, with a cornucopia of delectable scents bursting from
beneath their metal coverings. They efficiently set the outdoor table with linen,
then arranged the meals, adding a bottle of wine in a chilled bucket. Jamie signed
for the meal, then said, Oops! We forgot to set the candles out, Mia!
She ran into their room and brought out eight large candles, each covered with
a hurricane-style glass cover.
She and Mia arranged them along the deck railing and got them all lit. The candles
provided a warm glow to the table, and a flattering golden blush to their faces.
The restaurant featured four different entrees, and Jamie had ordered one of each.
They looked at the choices, and each woman gravitated to the one that most appealed
to her, luckily, each drawn to a different one. I thought you'd pick the
tenderloin of beef, Jamie said to her partner.
Do they raise cattle in the Bahamas? Ryan asked, continuing her quest
for all things authentic.
No, dear, they do not, Jamie said.
Then it is not for me, she said, planting herself in front of the
mahi-mahi.
Given the contented look on Ryan's face, Jamie decided it was not the time to
tell her that mahi-mahi was a Hawaiian fish.
The food tasted even better than it looked, which was tough to accomplish. What
is the name of this soup again? Ryan asked, looking like she was going to
eat the bowl.
That's a tiger shrimp bisque with a dash of cognac, Jamie said. You
seem a little fond of it, she added.
I knew I loved soup, but between this and that conch chowder, I honestly
think I could live on it.
Try mine, Jamie said. Ryan took a sip and rolled her eyes in pleasure.
Leek and potato with a little smoked mahi-mahi.
Ryan batted her eyes and begged, Can you make that at home, honey? I'll
love you forever.
Sure. I think I could get close to it, she said.
I miss our dinners, Jordan sighed. Wasn't it nice to come home
from volleyball practice and have Jamie and Mia waiting for us, dinner just about
on the table? That's the most normal family dining experience I'd ever had,
the blonde murmured.
Mia reached over and grasped her hand, saying, We'll have that again, I
promise you.
Jordan blinked at her, her eyes growing wide as she let the dream settle in her
brain. Her eyes fluttered closed as she said, Thanks, Mia, that means a
lot. It'll give me something to look forward to.
Yeah, and while Jordan's perfecting her volleyball skills, you can perfect
your cooking skills, Ryan said.
Mia smiled sweetly and said, I was promising that one day we'd live with
you two again. Don't get carried away, Boomer.
I misspoke, Ryan said, giving Mia a fond glance. We'd love to
have both of our dependents back.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When they finally finished their leisurely meal, they covered the demolished platters
with the metal domes as Jordan went in to find some acceptable music. She tuned
to a local station that featured a slow, sexy reggae beat, hoping that the song
wasn't an anomaly, then stayed in front of the stereo for a few minutes, pleased
when the next song carried the same theme. The announcer, in his clipped, British-accented
English, proclaimed that it was a night for love
and Jordan knew she had
found the correct station.
Nice choice, Ryan said when she came back onto the deck.
Jamie approached, extending her arms towards her partner, who immediately wrapped
her in a light embrace as they began to sway to the music. Jordan and Mia did
the same, and within a few minutes each couple felt like they were all alone on
their deserted island of peace.
I will never be able to thank your mother enough for suggesting this, and
making it happen, Ryan murmured.
I hope she's having a good time, the smaller woman said. I worry
about her being in Italy all alone.
I don't think she's alone, Ryan said.
Ryan, Jamie said, looking directly into her eyes, what would
make you feel more lonely? Being alone, or being here in the Bahamas while I was
here with my husband? Even if I could spare several afternoons to be with you
and make love, wouldn't you feel completely alone?
Ryan nodded slowly, forced to look at the reality of Catherine's situation. I
don't like to think about it, she admitted quietly. I try to convince
myself that she has this set up the way she wants it. She shook her head
as she acknowledged, Nobody really wants it that way, do they?
Giacomo might, Jamie said, but he'd probably rather have someone
that satisfied him completely, too.
She can have that, Ryan said. She just has to decide that she
won't settle for less.
She's settled for so long that I think it's second nature to her now,
Jamie said. I hope it's not too late for her to wake up and demand more.
It's not, Ryan said, her eyes showing her confidence. We'll
help her get her self-esteem back. That's all she needs
a view of herself
like we see her.
I love that you say 'we', Jamie whispered. It makes me feel
so good to know that you love her, too.
I do, Ryan said. I love her, and I want the best for her. We
just have to support her until she wants the best for herself. She'll get there;
I know it in my heart.
* * * * * * * * * * *
May I? Mia asked after tapping Jamie on the shoulder.
Sure, Jamie said. May I dance with your girlfriend?
Yep. Don't wear her out though, I've got big plans for her, she said.
Like I don't? Jamie asked. She placed Ryan's hand in Mia's significantly
smaller one, and patted them both on the back.
Mia placed her arms around Ryan's bare waist and leaned in close. I'm so
glad we're here with you, the smaller woman said.
It is idyllic, Ryan said.
No, even though the place is wonderful, I'm talking about how nice it is
to be with you and Jamie. They swayed to the music for a few minutes, just
relishing the warm, salt-tinged air. You know, I was afraid she was never
going to get the love she deserved, Ryan. Her big brown eyes looked up at
the tall woman and she said, She has it with you.
That's nice of you to say, Ryan said, giving her a squeeze. I
feel the same about the place you hold in Jordan's life, you know. You're just
the woman I would have picked for her.
Really? Mia's face was lit up by a wide grin as she looked up at her
friend.
Yes, really. You bring out all of her hidden attributes, Mia. She's not
just a competitive jock when she's with you. She's vulnerable and open, and she
really risks. That's very hard for her to do but you make her feel safe.
Thank, Ryan, she said softly. I care for her a lot.
It shows, Mia. You treat her like you care.
You know, the curly-haired brunette said, I knew you looked
marvelous, but I didn't notice how beautiful those pants were. Are they silk?
Yeah, I think so, Ryan said.
They feel wonderful, Mia said. The fabric is exquisite.
Uhm
could you feel the fabric somewhere other than my ass cheeks?
Oh, Ryan, you're such a prude, the smaller woman said, giggling as
she slipped her hands up to rest on her waist.
Ryan blinked at her, shaking her head as she laughed, You're the first person
in my entire life to call me that! She leaned over and kissed the smaller
woman gently, just brushing her lips against Mia's. You're definitely gonna
keep old Jordan busy.
That's my goal, Mia said. By the time she gets bored with me,
we'll be ready for the retirement home.
* * * * * * * * * * *
It's nearly eleven o'clock, Jamie whispered into her partner's ear
after they had been dancing for hours.
Mmm-hmm, Ryan replied, not seeing what the time had to do with anything.
How about going for a walk on the beach? I'd love to see the New Year in
walking along the surf with you.
Sounds good, Ryan said. Course, staying right here and dancing
sounds awfully good, too.
I have never seen you so laid back, the smaller woman said. You're
practically inert!
Yep. When we move here and I open my surf shop, you'll barely recognize
me.
Come on, lazy bones. I want to be all alone with you at midnight.
Should we bring a glass of wine or something to toast with? Ryan asked.
Nah. I only need your sweet lips.
You've got 'em.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Part 5
Jordan shot Mia a grin as their friends walked towards the beach. Alone
at last. I thought they'd never leave.
Who's that? Mia asked as she leaned back in Jordan's embrace, her
hands laced behind her lover's neck.
Ryan and Jamie, the blonde said, realizing that Mia was playing with
her.
Oh, are they here? the smaller woman asked idly. I hadn't noticed.
All I see is a pair of crystal blue eyes, some dazzling white teeth, and some
of the prettiest golden hair I've ever seen in my life.
Don't forget the warm, pink tongue, Jordan said, delivering the evidence
directly into Mia's mouth for inspection.
How could I ever forget that? she asked long moments later. It's
one of my favorite things on earth.
Really? the blonde asked, strangely shy about believing compliments.
Oh, yeah, Mia said. It's quite extraordinary you know. The first
night when you kissed me I remember thinking, 'Oh, that is a delightful
tongue. I can't wait to have it explore my body'.
Jordan's head cocked as she asked, Did you really?
Of course I did, Mia said. I was a goner by the time the sun
rose, Jordan. I moped around for days when you didn't call me.
The blonde blushed, the high color evident even in the moonlight. I was
too shy, she said. I didn't think you'd be interested in me when you
found out I was so inexperienced.
Not so, Mia said. I was a little worried, but I was very interested.
Worried? Why were you worried?
Mia took her by the hand and led her over to pair of chaises sitting side by side.
Sitting on one, she urged Jordan into the other. They held hands while they watched
the waves breaking, a few minutes passing before Mia continued. I was afraid
that you might get upset by the feelings that going further would bring up. Frankly,
I was most afraid that you'd find that being with a woman wasn't right for you.
Looking over at the blonde she said quietly, That would have been very hard
for me.
I'm glad you hung in there with me, Jordan said softly. I'd
been so worried about
being with someone
and you took all of my
fears away. That was such a gift, Mia, she said.
Oh, Jordy, I'm sorry this was so hard for you, but in another way I'm thankful
that you've not been with anyone else. It makes me feel very special that you
waited to share your sexuality with me.
I shouldn't get credit for being a chicken, Jordan said. I would
have been working my way through every available woman in the Bay area if I hadn't
been such a coward.
Well, we'll never know for sure, but something makes me doubt that. I think
you're just careful.
Eh
maybe, Jordan said. I guess we'll never know.
She looked over at her partner, her blue eyes sparkling. So, am I making
progress? I know I was horrid at first, but I feel like I'm getting my sea legs
now.
You were never horrid, sweetheart, just nervous. The first time we were
together, you touched my heart so deeply
Mia sighed heavily, shaking
her head. By the time we had finished making love that first night, I was
mad about you.
Really? Jordan asked shyly. I was pretty crazy about you, too.
I did cartwheels all the way to school that morning, she said. Ryan
thought I'd lost my mind.
We were pretty silly, Mia said. We tried really hard not to
show each other how excited we were about being together.
Probably because I made such a big deal about not letting this get out of
hand and not falling in love, Jordan said quietly. Mia was lying on her
side, and when Jordan said this she rolled onto her back and looked away, not
wanting her partner to see the look in her eyes. Jordan rolled onto her side and
grasped Mia's chin, turning it until they were nose to nose. I didn't follow
my own rules, she said softly. I couldn't help myself, Mia. You're
such a wonderful woman
She took a deep breath and finally spoke the
truth. I swear I was already in love with you the first time we made love.
You love me? Mia's soft voice asked, her eyes wide and filled with
wonder.
Yes, I love you, Jordan said, her voice surprisingly strong and confident.
I love you very, very much, Mia. You're all I think about, you're all I
dream about. You're with me every part of every day
from the time I wake
from my early morning dreams of you, until I fall asleep picturing your face.
I love you.
Practically throwing herself onto Jordan's chaise, Mia wrapped her in a rough
embrace and kissed her with a rabid passion. Pulling back just slightly she whispered,
I love you, too, Jordan. I've loved you from the first time I touched you.
Jordan beamed a smile at her and declared, I have to go to the ocean. I
want to strip off every bit of my clothing and run naked into the water. I need
to bay at the moon!
Taking her hand, Mia followed her lover down the stairs and across the sand, laughing
hysterically at the wild enthusiasm that the taller woman was exhibiting.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie tugged Ryan along when she determined that her partner was moving too slowly.
You're on the verge of being too relaxed for my tastes, the blonde
said.
Okay, I'll try to add a little tension to my demeanor, Ryan promised,
giving her partner a remarkably slow smile.
Nah, you can dawdle if you want, Jamie said. I've just never
seen you like this it's going to take some getting used to.
Ryan smiled down at her and admitted, I sometimes deplete my resources to
dangerously low levels. When I do that and then get a chance to just relax, I
tend to sink into a near-vegetative state. I think I need to somehow find a happy
medium -- one where I'm not frazzled or comatose.
That will take some work, Jamie said, but I think it's a good
idea. I think you'd be happier if you weren't so stressed, either.
Yeah. As soon as this media assault is over, I'm going to try to be a little
more moderate.
New Year's resolution?
No. Just a plan I'm going to attempt with your help, of course.
They had reached the beach, and as they padded along the firm-packed sand Jamie
suggested, Let's go over to that little outcropping of boulders, okay?
Sure, if you want to, Ryan said. She took her hand and cut back across
the fluffy sand, her bare feet kicking up little pink clouds as they walked. When
they grew close, she spared a wry glance at her partner and said, Hey, look!
Somebody left us a couple of blankets, some candles and a bottle of champagne.
Boy, are we lucky or what?
Planning is everything, Jamie said, sharing a grin with her partner.
They settled down against the boulder after Jamie took pains to cover the rough
surface with one of the blankets. Ryan sat against the stone, with her partner
cuddled up between her legs. The smaller woman opened the bottle of champagne
and poured a little into each of the glasses she'd brought. Okay, at the
risk of repeating myself, now I can't be any happier, Ryan said. Sitting
on the beach with my beloved, sipping an exceptional bottle of champagne, listening
to the quiet lapping of the waves
this is the height of pleasure.
Jamie snuggled a little closer and drew circles on Ryan's knee with her fingertip.
You really don't think I can give you any more pleasure?
Knowing that the question was rhetorical, Ryan teased her, saying, Nope,
I really don't think so. I think this is the apex of your powers.
Checking the faint glow of her watch dial, Jamie's mouth curled into a gentle
smile as she said, Wanna bet?
Her mouth curling into a grin, Ryan nodded. Yeah, I'll take you on. I think
you're bluffing.
Crawling into position, Jamie settled herself just so, making sure that Ryan was
right where she wanted her. Counting down the time, she leaned in close, then
whispered, Keep those sweet blue eyes open. Her head dipped, and she
captured Ryan's soft, moist lips, placing tender kisses upon them. With a massive
boom! the first barrage of fireworks exploded right over their heads, the
burst of sound followed by a rapture of color. Vivid red, blue, green and gold
streamers shrieking across the inky black sky.
Happy New Year, sweetheart, Jamie whispered between kisses.
Happy New Year to you, Jamie. I know this year will be a happy one for me,
because I'll have you right by my side for the entire year.
Wow, Jamie said slowly, as if something momentous had just dawned
on her. We've only been together a little over 6 months. How much happier
will we be with a whole year to work with?
I can't wait to find out, Ryan said, colorful streaks of fire glinting
off her expressive eyes.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Joyous voices echoed against the boulders that the lovers rested against. Ryan
shifted slightly, turning her head just enough to look over her shoulder. I
have a feeling someone told someone else she loved her, Ryan said, chuckling
deep in her chest.
Why do you think so? Jamie asked.
'Cause Jordan's doing cartwheels down the beach
and she's just answered
the question of what a woman wears under her sarong, she said dryly.
And the answer is?
Nothing at all, Ryan informed her. Ahh, I could have waited
for a second and gotten that answer the easy way, she said. She just
stripped off all of her clothes
now Mia's done the same
yep, it's
skinny dipping time.
Ooo
skinny dipping, Jamie said, her interest piqued. I've
never been skinny dipping in the ocean.
Ryan was on her feet in an instant, her silk pants hitting the ground a moment
later. No time like the present. Besides, I don't like the thought of the
two of them out there alone. If we're there, we can keep an eye on each other.
Here I go, Jamie said, shimmying out of her dress, an impish look
on her face.
Ryan was nude in seconds, and she waited impatiently for Jamie to lose her underwear.
Let's boogie! the blonde cried when she was naked. She grabbed Ryan's
hand and ran as fast as her legs would carry her, feet pounding against the warm
sand. She was yelling the whole time, Ryan laughing helplessly as she was dragged
along behind her. They hit the water and just kept going, running until they were
in up to their necks. My God! This is fabulous! Jamie cried. Why
have I never done this?
Jordan and Mia came floating over, their joyous expressions dead give-aways. Jordan
loves me! Mia cried, throwing her arms around Ryan's neck. She released
her and offered the same embrace to Jamie, then Jordan waded over and did the
same.
That's wonderful, you two! Jamie cried.
Mia put her hands on her lover's shoulders and jumped up, wrapping her legs around
her waist. She's loved me for months. She's loved me as long as I've loved
her! How stupid were we, not to tell each other sooner?
You told each other now, Ryan said. That's all that matters.
Mia looked so happy getting to go for a ride that Jamie jumped onto her partner's
hips as well. They played in the warm water for a long while, enjoying the fireworks
that continued to shoot across the sky.
Hey, Ryan said. One of the benefits of water is the relative
weightlessness. Jordan and I should get to ride, too.
Jamie slid from her hips and said, I can take you, hot stuff. Climb on.
She braced herself as Ryan wrapped her long legs around her waist. Your
legs are long enough to loop them around twice, she said.
I'm gonna ignore that, Ryan said, and resume telling you how
positively marvelous I feel. You've made me a very happy woman tonight, Jamers.
I hate to be a spoil sport, but it's getting late, Jamie said. We
should go in soon.
I really like being outside, Ryan said. Any chance we could
stay out here to continue our party?
The smaller woman smiled and said, I think this is one of those 'sounds
better than it is' things. I think we'd need a shower first. I know I have sand
in some very private places.
There's an outdoor shower right by the beachside restaurant
The look in Ryan's eyes was one of hopeful playfulness. Jamie knew that she would
be mildly disappointed if she chose not to comply with the request, but she also
knew that Ryan would hold no hard feelings. Considering the matter for just a
moment, she turned to their companions and asked, You guys aren't ready
to go back in, are you?
Hell, no! Mia cried. I wanna watch the sun come up!
Would you consider being lookouts for us? We wanna go
be close
over by the rocks, and we don't want any surprise visitors. Would you keep an
eye out?
Sure, girls, Mia said. Have any champagne left?
Yep. Almost a whole bottle, Ryan said. But if you drink it,
promise you'll stay near the shore. I don't want to lose either one of you tonight.
Deal. We'll sit in the surf and talk. That's one of our favorite dates,
she said, beaming up at her partner.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie screwed up her courage and scampered across the sand, her nakedness slowly
receding from her consciousness. The shower was warm and efficient, with the hotel-provided
banana-scented shower gel removing every irritating trace of sand from her body.
All clean? Ryan asked, her eyes already twinkling.
Yeah
but when I walk across the sand I'll be all dirty again,
Jamie said, placing her hands on her hips, daring her partner to solve that conundrum.
Simple solution to a complex problem, Ryan said, bending down to sweep
her into her arms.
Honey, you'll hurt yourself carrying me that far!
Oh, please! You're as light as a feather! I could carry you all over this
island.
Are you sure? I don't want you complaining of a bad back tomorrow.
I'm positive, Ryan said. I do want to be complaining about certain
parts being overstressed, but my back won't be one of them.
Such a focus you have, Jamie said as they made their way back to their
lair.
Jordan and Mia had taken the champagne bottle, but they had thoughtfully left
the glasses, and each now contained a few ounces of the golden liquid. Ryan lit
the candles, then covered each with the hurricane glass to keep the wind from
blowing them out. She propped herself up against the biggest boulder and took
a sip of her wine, letting the tiny bubbles tickle her throat. Jamie scooted between
her legs, resting her torso against Ryan's. We fit together so nicely,
she said, as she idly played with the water droplets coating her partner's thighs.
I know, Ryan murmured. There are so many positions we just seem
drawn to. You wouldn't think that would be so, since I'm almost nine inches taller
than you are, but I've honestly never felt more physically comfortable with anyone.
She tugged her partner even closer, thrilling to the feel of her warm skin touching
her own cooled flesh. How do you feel about being outside? I don't want
you to be uncomfortable.
I feel good, Jamie said. Having Mia and Jordan look out for
us took away my concerns. I just didn't want to be surprised by any uninvited
visitors.
It seems like most people wanted to be at parties tonight, Ryan said.
I haven't seen another soul since we came down here. This is such a fantastic
place, she sighed, her contentment evident. I love the fact that there's
practically nothing to do here
and that everyone from the hotel seems to
have gone onto Eleuthra for some fun.
Mom's travel agent is fabulous, Jamie said, but this is working
out better than I had hoped. This was just what we needed.
It is, Ryan sighed. And the longer we're here, the more obvious
it is how much we needed this. I'm really starting to feel like myself again.
I can tell, Jamie murmured. Your playful self seems like she's
back again. She paused for a moment and said, I've missed her.
I've missed her, too, Ryan said. I've got to concentrate on
staying child-like. It's one of the keys to my sanity.
It's doing little things out of the ordinary like this that make me feel
young, Jamie said. Things like staying outside tonight.
Ryan dropped her head and nuzzled her partner's still-damp neck. Doing this
doesn't make me feel young, she demurred. It makes me feel hot. I
absolutely love holding your warm naked body
just a candle and your luscious
curves to guide my touch
the sound of the waves lapping against the shore
and that fantastic scent of jasmine and hibiscus that sweetens the air.
Every one of my senses is saying, 'Thank you!'
Mmm
mine too, Jamie murmured. This is heavenly.
No, this is heavenly, Ryan said, putting her arm out at a right angle
and lowering Jamie onto it. When she had her in the proper position, she dipped
her head and began to kiss her
the tender, emotion-filled touch warming
both of their hearts.
They continued to nuzzle and cuddle for a very long time, neither of them compelled
to progress. Just this simple meeting of their lips, their breath filling each
other's lungs, was enough to completely satisfy them. I never dreamed this
would be the year I fell in love, Ryan said, her voice soft and warm. Between
each word she planted kisses on her lover's face
on her delicate eyelids
on the smooth curve of her neck. I'm so happy that it was with you,
Jamie.
Feeling the emotion well up in her chest, the smaller woman caressed Ryan's lips
with her own. I'm so happy that you chose me, she whispered.
A deep laugh bubbled up from the dark woman, and she gently reminded her partner,
You
chose
me. Remember?
How could I forget that? she giggled warmly. Best choice I've
ever made. She ran her hand down Ryan's shoulder, continuing down her arm
until she could see goose bumps form on her flesh. I make that choice every
single day, Ryan, and I will for the rest of my life.
I look forward to a lifetime of saying yes, her partner replied, her
voice husky with emotion.
As she leaned into her again, Jamie's lips tingled with the sweet intensity of
their kisses. Desire began to pulse through and between their bodies, each beat
of their hearts increasing their need for one another.
Ryan shifted her powerful body, effortlessly moving her partner onto her back.
As the large form hovered over her, Jamie soothed her by slowly running her hands
up and down the strong back, welcoming her soft, warm tongue into her mouth. She
felt delicious, familiar tingles fly up and down her spine as the darting tongue
slid into the recesses of her mouth, seemingly determined to leave no part of
her untouched.
Unaware that she had moved, Jamie felt her legs lock around her lover's pelvis,
pulling her down hard against her need. A low, satisfied growl passed her lips
as Ryan dipped her head once again, her kiss now more demanding, more compelling.
Just as her body started to grind against Jamie, Ryan lifted her head, forcing
her eyes to focus. Gasping for breath she said, This isn't how I want to
love you tonight. I want to touch you gently and softly, to show you how much
you mean to me.
Smiling serenely, the smaller woman ran her fingers through her partner's hair,
pushing the dark locks from her eyes. We can make love any way that your
heart desires. Show me what's in your heart, Ryan. Open yourself up to me.
The deep blue eyes fluttered closed, and a shiver chased down Ryan's spine as
she tried to gather herself enough to show her partner all of the love she possessed.
Blinking slowly, the dark-haired woman gazed deeply into her lover's eyes, trusting
her with every tender emotion that she held in her heart. She was staring so intently
that Jamie automatically returned her gaze, not even blinking as Ryan started
to glide her hands up and down her body.
Their eyes locked on each other, Ryan kept her touch soft and slow and very, very
gentle. Her eyes would trail to the skin she was caressing, her gaze so tender
and filled with love that Jamie's heart ached from the intensity of her feelings.
Seconds after dropping her gaze, Ryan's eyes would once again return to her partner's,
the strength of their connection so fierce that it was nearly visible.
The strong, warm hands moved unerringly, slowly but inexorably drawing the smaller
woman along a path that they had traveled many times. Ryan lowered her body so
that she lay right next to her lover, their eyes still fixed on one another. As
the long, elegant fingers slipped into her, Jamie fought to maintain her connection
with her partner, forcing her eyes to remain open.
A tiny smile tugged at one corner of Ryan's lips, and she leaned in and kissed
her partner, delighting in the small gasp that filled her mouth when her fingers
touched a particularly sensitive spot.
Once again she pulled back and stared into Jamie's eyes, feeling the intimate
connection reach every part of herself that had been closed off or hidden during
their tumultuous last week.
Ryan could see the pulse pounding against her partner's throat, could see her
struggling to maintain her gaze, even as her eyes lost their focus. Leaning just
above Jamie's lips, her desire throbbed through her body as she heard the breath
catch in her lover's chest. Her lips were captured by Jamie's hungry mouth just
as the first spasms raced through her body. The smaller woman struggled for breath,
but she needed Ryan's warm mouth covering her own more than air. Her arms were
locked around her partner's neck, holding on for dear life as Ryan's fingers picked
up the beat again, gliding against her slickness with the same rhythm as her rapidly
beating heart.
Jamie couldn't let go couldn't loosen her hold one bit. She clutched Ryan
to her breast so tightly that both sets of lungs were unable to fully expand
but neither woman regretted the sacrifice. Feeling her lover's need to merge with
her was deeply thrilling for Ryan, and she gladly accepted the bruises that were
sure to follow.
As the second wash of sensation pulsed through her body, Jamie's mouth opened
to cry out, but Ryan covered her tender lips once again, needing to capture the
explosion of feeling in her own body. The smaller woman didn't disappoint
gasping out a strangled cry that was devoured by Ryan's hungry mouth. Soft moans
and deep sighs continued to spring from her lips for long moments -- every sound,
every breath greedily consumed by the dark woman.
Finally, needing to fill her lungs, Jamie regretfully pulled away just enough
to be able to breathe. Ryan was so close that the smaller woman could have counted
every one of her long, dark lashes, and she gave every indication that she would
remain right where she was for as long as Jamie could tolerate the closeness.
Once she was able to take in a normal breath, the blonde gazed at her partner
with loving eyes and gently teased, Why are you so far away?
Ryan immediately closed the scant distance and spent a few moments kissing her
with a passionate intensity. Finally lifting her head just an inch she whispered,
I never want to be farther than this from your sweet lips.
Smiling broadly, Jamie murmured, My plans for the future match yours exactly.
Let the future begin, Ryan said, capturing her prize once again.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Two bodies came running across the sand, their exuberant cries nearly swallowed
by the sounds of the surf. Splashing through the waves, they found their friends,
as promised, lying on the hard-packed sand just at the edge of the water.
All loved out? Mia asked lazily, looking up from where her head was
pillowed on Jordan's chest.
I am perfectly well loved, Ryan said. Can't speak for my partner
here, but I'm just about at my capacity for bliss.
Count me in, Jamie said. Thanks for watching out for us, guys.
I could never have relaxed if you hadn't been playing lookout.
Don't you think one good turn deserves another? Jordan asked, her
eyes glittering in the bright moonlight.
That's only fair, Ryan said. We'll play in the surf while you
two take over our little love nest.
If you get cold, you don't have to stay, Mia said as she got to her
feet. No one's been out here all night, and I doubt anyone will come by
this late.
No, we'll stay, Ryan said, her cautious side emerging. You never
know who might come by, and seeing a couple of beautiful women making love on
the beach might be more than even a rational person could resist. And given that
most people out at this time of night are blind drunk
Okay, okay, Jordan said. We promise not to fall asleep and leave
you out here all night. Looking at her partner she said, Even though
that won't be easy. I call Mia my little sandman.
Get going, you two, Jamie said. I think you'll find the accommodations
quite lovely.
It was getting a little cool, so rather than lie in the surf, the pair decided
to walk up and down the beach for a while. It was still entirely deserted, and
as the wind freshened, Ryan felt a chill go down her partner's body. We
should have taken one of the blankets, the taller woman said.
I am getting chilled, Jamie said. I hope they don't take too
long.
Why don't you run up to the cottage and get some clothes? I can watch you
from here.
You don't mind?
Of course not. Bring me some sweats while you're at it, okay?
Will do, Jamie said as she scampered off, the white flesh of her ass
flashing in the moonlight, much to Ryan's pleasure.
She returned a few minutes later, clad in her warmest sweats. Ryan reached for
her own, but Jamie urged her to wait for a moment. Can I take your picture?
she asked.
Like this? Ryan asked, holding her arms out to indicate her nakedness.
Yep. I want to have a picture of you on our first New Year's together. Do
you mind?
Nope, Ryan said. If you can get the pictures developed, I'll
do whatever pleases you.
It's a digital, silly. We can be as risqué as we like. Jamie
situated her in a few memorable poses, then doffed her own clothes and fiddled
with the camera for a moment, set it on a rock and took a few of the two of them
embracing. I want to show these to the people at the retirement home in
about seventy years, she said. I want to be able to back up my contention
that you were the hottest looking 24-year-old in the world.
You plan for everything, don't you, Ryan said. When they were both
dressed, Ryan looked at her watch and said, It's been a long while. Think
they're still making love?
Jamie glanced at her watch and saw that it was 4 a.m. Doubtful, she
said. Let's get a little closer and see if we hear anything.
They did so, walking across the sand, hand in hand. As they drew near, it was
clear that their friends were sound asleep, and Jamie took the opportunity to
snap a few photos of them, their bodies completely entangled. They were so sound
asleep that neither woke until the third picture, the flash finally penetrating
their slumber. Oh-oh, Jordan mumbled drowsily. I think we fell
asleep.
I think you did, Ryan said. We're going in to bed. Wanna join
us?
I wanna see the sun rise, Mia said, her voice still heavy with sleep.
Ryan and Jamie exchanged looks, and Ryan said, Take our sweats if you're
gonna stay out here. I don't want you two lying out here naked.
You sure? Jordan asked.
Yep. Ryan struggled out of her clothes and tossed them to Jordan,
then slipped her original slacks and snippet of a blouse on.
Ooo, warm, Jordan sighed, getting into the toasty clothes. Mia did
the same with Jamie's, while the smaller blonde put her dress back on.
Goodnight, love birds, Ryan said, giving them a little wave.
Keep my camera and take some pictures of the sunrise, Jamie said.
Okay, Mia said. See you guys later.
They walked along in the bright moonlight, their hands linked, Jamie's head resting
upon Ryan's shoulder.
You've set a pretty high standard for the first day of the new year,
Ryan said. We've only experienced four and a half hours of the year 2000,
and I've felt more joy than most people get in a lifetime.
We do have our work cut out for us, Jamie said. But I know you
like to set goals for yourself, so we can make it our New Year's resolution to
have every day be filled with as much joy as we've felt tonight. It's a tough
job, but you're the woman I want on my team.
We're permanent teammates, Ryan said.
When they reached their room, Jamie's sure, warm hands started to undress her
partner, letting her hands glide across her cool skin. Ready for bed, love?
Yeah, Ryan said, her voice low and a little hoarse. No better
way to see the New Year in than wrapped in your embrace.
You're gonna see an awful lot of New Years in just that way. Sure you're
up to it?
If we're together until the third millennium, that won't be enough for me,
Ryan said, meaning every word.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan tried to ignore the giggling that pulled her from sleep. Nuzzling her face
against Jamie's neck, she tugged her partner closer, trying to hide her face to
avoid showing her wakefulness.
Come on, sleepyheads, Mia said. Pose for your picture.
G'way, Ryan growled, drawing the sheet up to cover their naked bodies.
It's payback time, Boomer, Jordan crooned, giggling as she grabbed
the bottom of the sheet and ripped it from Ryan's grasp.
C'mon, the dark woman moaned, let us sleep. Have a heart, guys.
I bet you don't have any pictures of how cute you look when you sleep together,
Jordan said. We're just rounding out your photo album. The shutter
snapped again, and rather than trying to retrieve the sheet, Ryan just shifted
a little so that she was mostly lying on top of Jamie to provide some cover. How
can she sleep through this? the tall blonde marveled.
Forget that, Mia said. How can she sleep with Ryan on top of
her like that? You weigh a ton, big girl!
Again, thanks for sharing, Ryan responded dryly. More later,
okay?
Come play with us, Mia begged. She slid into bed next to Jamie, leaned
over and pushed her eyelids open with her thumbs, gazing into the green orbs as
they began to focus. Wanna get up and play with us? she asked, her
bright visage just inches from her friend's face.
Who's on top of me? Jamie mumbled. Jordan or Ryan?
Ryan's hand slid down her body and gave her a little tickle on the back of her
thigh, right at the swell of her ass.
Ahh, that's my Ryan, she sighed, knowing that only her partner would
be able to find a sensitive spot so adroitly.
Do you often wake up with Jordan on top of you? Ryan's deep voice
burred against her ear.
No. But I usually don't wake up with Mia tugging on my eyelids either. Who
knows what else might be going on.
Come on, guys, Mia said. The Rose Parade is on TV. Don't you
want to watch it with us?
Ryan sighed and rolled onto her back. I'm game. I love the parade.
Me too, Jamie said, taking a deep breath as her partner's weight lifted
from her body. Thanks for waking us up, Mia. She rolled over onto
her friend, straddling her body as she twitched her fingers under her tank top
and got in a good bout of tickling. Just remember that I know where some
of your sensitive spots are, buddy, so don't make a habit of waking me up like
that.
Mia was howling with laughter as her hands flailed wildly, trying to get her friend
to stop the torture. Promise! Promise! she cried.
Sliding off her waist, Jamie blew on her index fingers as though they were smoking
pistols. Better not forget your promise, pal. These babies are always loaded.
* * * * * * * * * * *
After they ate a delightful breakfast while watching the parade, they decided
to go to the beach, lie in the sun, and sleep. Following lavish applications of
sun-tan lotion to the yards of exposed skin, they all nodded off quickly, managing
to sleep soundly even though the beach was quite a bit more crowded than it had
been the day before.
Around noon, Ryan's empty stomach woke her, and she stretched and growled for
a few minutes. Jordan was right behind her in waking, and both women got up and
continued to stretch, to the delighted pleasure of the young men closest to them.
Wanna go get lunch? Ryan asked. They've got some conch chowder
at the restaurant that is killer.
Sure. Should we ask what our women want?
Nah. Jamie's easy to please. I know what she likes. How about Mia?
Yeah, I think I've got her number, Jordan said, grinning toothily.
I just bet you do, Ryan replied with a matching smile, as she slung
her arm around her friend's shoulders and led her to the restaurant.
As if she could sense her partner's absence, Jamie woke just minutes after Ryan
and Jordan left. She looked around idly and saw the pair trudging through the
pink sand, little clouds billowing up as their feet shuffled along. Mia woke up
when she heard Jamie moving around, and she sat up, running her hands through
her curls. I'm hungry, she pouted, sounding more like a five-year-old
than an adult.
I think our women went to provide for us, Jamie said.
Mia got up to stretch the kinks out, saying loudly, I don't care what they
bring, as long as it's chocolate.
Ooo, chocolate, Jamie purred. I'm seriously chocolate deprived.
The young men sunning close to them overheard this bit of conversation, and one
of them hopped to his feet, bringing with him a paper plate filled with gooey,
chocolate chip-laden brownies. Heard you girls talking, and thought I'd
be neighborly, he said, his handsome face sporting a wide smile.
Oh, no thanks, Jamie said. We're getting lunch soon.
Mia shot her a puzzled look and reached for one of the treats. Suit yourself,
babe, but these look fantastic. She gave the young man a long look and asked,
Just being neighborly, right? 'Cause we're not looking for dates.
He looked mildly offended as his eyes widened. Just being friendly, ma'am,
he said. A little New Year's treat for y'all.
Jamie gave Mia a look, and saw her friend take a bite of the brownie. Mia's nose
crinkled up as she asked, Who made these
you?
Yep. How'd I do?
You're quite the cook, she said. Did you use cannabutter?
Uh-huh, he said. They're good, aren't they?
The best I've ever had, she said. Boy, they're really loaded,
aren't they?
Now Jamie's interest was piqued, and her mouth started to water. Can I have
a bite? she asked, taking half of Mia's square and popping it into her mouth
before the brunette could blink. She smacked her lips reflectively, detecting
an odd aftertaste. What kind of butter did you use? she asked, repeating
Mia's query. Is it something local?
Yep, he said. It's all native.
Do they graze cows or yaks around here? she asked, her nose wrinkling
in distaste.
The young man found her question to be wildly funny, but he offered no further
hints. She was still trying to place the unique flavor when she spotted her partner
out of the corner of her eye.
Hey, who's having dessert first?
We were just sharing some brownies with our neighbor here, Jamie said,
trying to give her partner the 'these are odd, don't even think of taking a bite'
sign. But Ryan was never one to deprive herself of a treat, and she lifted the
last bite from Mia's hand and popped it into her mouth.
Mia's eyes grew wide and she said, Ryan, don't!
Her quick reflexes allowed her to spit it onto the sand before she had even managed
to taste it. What's in it? she asked, her eyes flashing.
Uhm
they're magic brownies, she said, knowing that Ryan was
not one to partake in mind-altering substances.
You ate some? Ryan asked, glaring at her partner.
Y
yeah, I did, Jamie said weakly. Just half of a brownie,
though.
She didn't eat much, Ryan, Mia said.
Looking at both of the women, Ryan narrowed her eyes and asked, Did you
know there was grass in those brownies?
Uhm
yeah, Mia gulped, while Jamie shook her head.
Now Jordan was staring at her partner, her expression betraying her dismay. Mia!
You knew that you were eating loaded brownies, and you didn't try to stop Jamie?
Stop her? She broke off half of my brownie and had it in her mouth before
I could say a word! What's the big deal, anyway? We've gotten high together plenty
of times, the smaller woman said. She looked to Jamie for support, but saw
her friend rolling her eyes, looking a little sick. Uhm, well, not plenty
of times, she said, trying to extricate herself from the corner she had
painted both of them into. Hardly ever
uhm
maybe I'm thinking
of someone else
Ryan leveled her gaze at Mia and said, Jamie obviously doesn't mind having
substances put into her body without her permission, but if you ever try something
like that with me
She stopped herself from uttering the threat that
was on the tip of her tongue, deciding that the atmosphere was tense enough without
wishing harm to her friend.
The dark-haired woman turned and strode towards their cottage, not getting five
feet before Jamie was beside her. Honey?
Later, Ryan said. I'm not in the mood.
Smarting from the brush-off, Jamie sat on steps of their deck for a few minutes,
not quite knowing how to approach her partner. She felt blameless about the incident,
but she knew that Mia wasn't really to blame either, having gotten the impression
through the years that Jamie was usually willing to have a few hits off a joint
during a party.
After a long while, Jamie realized that Ryan was not going to come out, so
she steeled her nerve and went in. The taller woman was sitting in one of the
chairs in the living room, and she made no move for several minutes. I uhm
I don't have any right to pry into your life before we were together,
Ryan said softly, but I would like to know if you and Mia currently get
high together.
Jamie came over to her chair, and sank to the ground next to her. No, of
course we don't, she said. I wouldn't have done it today either, but
I had no idea there was anything in that brownie. I honestly thought it was just
badly made, and I was trying to be polite. I have no interest in ever getting
high again, honey. Really, she said, her eyes searching Ryan's, which had
turned a steel gray.
Her brow knit and her gaze sharpened. Are you saying Mia tricked you into
eating it?
No, not at all. I honestly took it from her, just like you did, she
said. But since she knows I've smoked with her before, she obviously didn't
think she had to warn me off. It's not her fault, honey.
The dark head shook, her lips pursed together. I'm sorry, too, she
said. I know I overreacted a little ... She paused at Jamie's raised
eyebrow glance. Okay, maybe a lot. But even if you didn't know there was
grass in it, that was incredibly naïve, Jamie. Accepting food or drink from
strange guys is just
well, it's stupid, she said, knowing the term
was harsh, but believing it was apt.
You started to eat a bite, the blonde said quietly, looking down at
the floor.
Ryan shook her head and said, I didn't know the whole story. I saw you two
eating something that looked good, so I grabbed a bite. You didn't tell me that
a complete stranger had given it to you. Yes, you said you were sharing brownies
with those guys, but for all I knew you had bought them at the store when you
went out yesterday, or had bought them at the restaurant when I was asleep.
You're right, the smaller woman said, resting her head on Ryan's knee.
You're disappointed in me, aren't you, she said.
No, I'm not disappointed in you, Ryan said as she ran her hand through
Jamie's hair. I've done far stupider things.
I was afraid to tell you that I've smoked grass before, Jamie said
softly. I knew it would bother you.
Ryan was quiet for a moment, but finally said, Drug use is just a hot button
for me, baby, you know that. It brings back so many bad memories
I understand. Let's just close that little chapter, okay? Today was the
last time I'll use grass. Promise, she said.
Ryan shook her head, saying, It's not my place to tell you what you can
and can't do, Jamie. If you want to smoke grass, that's your choice. I'm sorry
for being so controlling. I'd just prefer that you don't do it in front of me.
It's all right, baby. I don't want to get high any more. Besides, if I really
wanted to smoke grass again, I'd say so. I don't like to be controlled
as you know.
Well, whether or not you want to, you're still gonna get high today,
Ryan said. Ingesting it is much more efficient, but slower acting.
Great. You'll not only be disappointed in me, you'll get to see me acting
as dumb as a stump.
I promise that I'm not disappointed in you, Ryan said. I meant
it when I said I've done many, many things that were more unwise than smoking
a little grass. I'm actually more upset that you took food from those guys. That
was beyond naïve. Giving Jamie a puzzled look she continued, Why
do you think they wanted to talk to you and share their drugs with you, anyway?
That's akin to accepting a drink from a guy at a bar. They don't do that because
you look thirsty, ya know. She shook her head and said, For two sporadically
straight girls, you two seem pretty clueless about guys.
Okay, I get your point, Jamie said, rolling her eyes. No more
taking candy from strangers.
I'm lecturing you, aren't I? Ryan asked.
Holding her thumb a scant distance from her index finger, Jamie allowed, A
little.
I apologize, the dark-haired woman said. I don't want to supervise
you, Jamie. I'll back off.
You're not supervising me, Jamie said, you're caring for me.
Big difference.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Hey, Ryan said as they reclaimed their chairs, I apologize for
flying off the handle. I'm still pretty short-tempered, I guess. I uhm
snap at people over the smallest things.
I'm really, really sorry, Ryan, the curly-haired woman said.
You don't owe me an apology, Mia. You warned me before I ate it. Now, Jamie's
a different matter, she drawled, looking at her partner.
Mia got up and sat next to her friend, sharing the edge of the chaise. Jamie,
I'm really sorry if I let you get high when you didn't want to. I thought you
knew what I meant when I asked if he used cannabutter.
Mia, I've smoked grass about six times in my life. I had no idea what you
were talking about. What in the heck were you talking about, anyway?
Oh, that's a way to make things that get you high without tasting terrible.
You cook up some grass with water and butter, and strain it and cool it, and then
you skim the butter off. It leaves an aftertaste, but nothing like trying to cook
with it by just putting chopped up grass in brownies. Those taste like they were
made with a combination of sand and hay. She grimaced and shook her head.
Nasty stuff.
Jamie reached over and wrapped her friend in a hug. I'm not mad at you.
And I did grab a bite before you had much time to warn me. But I don't want to
do this again, okay?
Gotcha, she said. I'll go run for more lunch. We uhm
kinda ate yours.
Darned good idea, Ryan said.
Jamie and Mia went off together, leaving a pensively silent Jordan and Ryan behind.
You look pissed, Ryan said.
The blonde head shook as she said, No, not pissed. Leaning back with
her hands laced around her knee she said, I know that Mia smokes grass once
in a while
among other things. She let out a low chuckle, acknowledging
that her lover was a very free spirit. I uhm
I'd have to say that
I'm more bothered by her taking the stuff from those guys. She twitched
her head in the direction of the six young men who were seated close to them.
That's what bothered me too, Ryan said. I'm surprised that Jamie
was that naïve. You just don't take food from strange guys out on the beach.
She shook her head and continued, You never know when an innocent looking
guy might be a real predator. They could have had those things laced with anything!
No, it's not the food thing. It's that she was interacting with the guys
like that. She's just such a natural flirt, Ryan. I know that she's just that
way
it's an elemental part of her personality. But guys don't see it that
way. She shook her head quickly, trying to dispel the image of Mia flirting
with the men from her imagination. I'm worried about her. She let
out a plaintive sigh and said, I told you a month ago that this was one
of my biggest fears about getting involved with her. I don't think she slutty,
but she's
very friendly. I worry that she's gonna flirt with someone who
flirts back and
She trailed off, obviously uncomfortable with where
her mental image led her.
Of course that's possible, Ryan said, but it seems unlikely
to me. I still flirt, Jordan. I don't really try to, but it's
who I am,
too. But just because I flirt doesn't mean I'd ever do anything about it. I notice
other women, but I only love Jamie, and I'll always be completely faithful to
her. I think Mia really loves you, Jordan. I don't think she's playing, and I
don't think she'll betray you.
I hope not, Ryan, she said softly, staring at the pink sand that covered
her toes. I don't think I could handle it if she breaks my heart.
I know just how you feel, Ryan said. It's scary to be this vulnerable
with another person.
Scary is the word, the blonde said, flopping back onto her chaise
to wait for their partners.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan looked up from the last few bites of her chowder to see a pair of vivid green
eyes staring at her soup. Want something? she asked, sucking on the
spoon tauntingly.
I'm still hungry, Jamie said, her gaze never leaving the bowl.
Ryan rolled her eyes and asked, Does somebody have the munchies?
The blonde head nodded slowly. I'm already a little high, she said,
not even trying to suppress the giggle that had been trying to escape. I
get a little silly, she said, her nose crinkling up in the grin that Ryan
was powerless to resist.
I love you, no matter how silly you are, Jamers, Ryan said. Let's
go get you a little more food.
Oh, God, she moaned, I'm so hungry that I was looking to take
a bite out of your tasty looking calf. Ryan rolled her eyes as her partner
started to giggle again, and they headed back to the restaurant for the third
time in the last hour.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Depositing her plate onto the sand, Jamie eyed her partner speculatively and said,
Now I need dessert. Her eyes raked up and down the long body, and
Ryan immediately got the message that she was the proposed snack.
Let's go, stoner, the amused woman said, extending her hand to give
her a boost.
I want some of that dessert, too, Mia said, giving Jordan the same
hungry look that Ryan had just received.
Jordan rolled her eyes and stood, helping her partner to her feet to trail behind
their friends.
When they arrived at the cottage, Ryan surprised them all by turning on the TV
and flopping down at the end of the sofa. Come over here and keep me company
while I watch a little of the Rose Bowl, she said, patting her lap. Stanford's
playing, you know. You promised your dad you'd watch.
Jamie stood with her hands on her hips, her face betraying her incredulity. You'd
rather watch football than
me?
Football's only on for another quarter, Ryan said. You're here
all day. She spared a charming grin at her lover, hoping that was enough
to get her to comply. Now that we've been together for six months I have
to start taking you for granted. It's in the rule book, she said.
I knew it, the blonde said. I knew you were just bode
bid
biding your time until you could start ignoring me. She looked
very pleased with herself for being able to remember the word she had been searching
for, and Ryan couldn't help but smile at her.
Jamie lay down on her back with her head resting on Ryan's thigh, and stared vacantly
at the ceiling, trying to count the number of times that the slow moving ceiling
fan revolved. Ryan placed one hand on her head and began a slow, gentle head rub,
while her other hand made matching patterns on her bare belly. In seconds the
smaller woman was sound asleep, not even noticing when Jordan asked loudly, Want
something to drink, Boomer?
Sure, Ryan said, now able to talk in her normal tone of voice. Got
any sparkling water?
Jordan tossed her a bottle and sat down on the couch that rested perpendicular
to Ryan's. Mia came in from the kitchen, munching on a bag of M & M's that she
and Jamie had purchased from the liquor store the day before. You too?
she asked, giving Jordan a cross look.
Just a few minutes, honey, she said. The game's really close.
Giving her a scowl, Mia took up a position identical to Jamie's, and after just
a few minutes, had joined her in sleep. Jordan tilted her head slightly and gently
pulled on her chin, checking to make sure she didn't have any more candy in her
mouth. She conked out so fast I wasn't sure she had time to swallow,
she said to Ryan. I'm amazed that they got high from one brownie. What would
they be like if they'd eaten a couple of them?
People don't realize how stoned they're getting when they ingest grass,
Ryan said, shaking her head. Have I told you about my cousin? The one who
died of AIDS?
Yeah. I know that you were really close, she said.
We were. Ryan looked down at her partner, continuing to play with
her hair. His lungs were too trashed to allow him to smoke grass, but eating
magic brownies helped give him an appetite, and it killed his pain a little,
she said. I'd guess that marijuana kept him alive for at least a year longer
than he would have lived if he'd relied only on legal drugs. Her face grew
dark as she said, He had some good doctors, but they dropped the ball when
it came to pain relief. They were totally freaked about him becoming addicted
to painkillers. Grass really helped, she said.
You seemed awfully pissed when you realized Jamie had taken some,
Jordan said. I thought you were just really anti-drugs.
No, not really, Ryan said. Ignoring the fact that it's illegal,
I don't think grass is any worse than alcohol if you use it in moderation. My
bigger issue is with anything that changes your mood or your personality.
She looked at Jordan with eyes full of pain as she said, The last year of
Michael's life, he was too sick and disoriented to even know where he was. But
the year before that, he was stoned much of the time. He had to be, she
said quietly. I'm happy that he got some relief, and I'm happy that he was
able to eat, but that wasn't Michael. It was nearly impossible to have a lucid
conversation with him when he was high, and his wit and his observant style were
completely gone. He was alive, but he wasn't
there. Do you know what I
mean? she asked.
Yeah, yeah I do, the blonde said softly. It seems like there's
a point at which you're extending life
but is it really your life
that you're extending?
Exactly, Ryan said. You really get this, Jordan.
Yeah, I do, she said. My grandfather died last year. Prostate
cancer. She looked over at her friend and said, He was the one worthwhile
member of the whole group, and he was dead before he hit sixty-five.
I'm sorry, Ryan said.
Yeah, it was hard. He was being kept alive, too; and just like your cousin,
he wasn't really there any more. I was glad for him when he had a massive heart
attack and died before they could try to save him.
Ryan looked very contemplative as she said, It seems like we're here such
a short time. Why try to dull your senses and your perceptions?
Jordan shrugged and said, People have been trying to alter their consciousness
since we lived in caves. I think it's part of the human condition. I know that
I'd be a mess without the high I get from endorphins.
Ryan smiled at her and said, Yeah, I've got a lot of nerve to complain about
Jamie getting high. Hell, I alter my consciousness constantly. With sex, with
food, with thrills, with danger seeking, with physical activity. My father says
that when I was an infant, I would rock in my crib until I was in a trance. The
boys used to bring their friends over to look at me like a little sideshow exhibit,
she said. Da says I wouldn't even blink when they put their hands in my
face and snapped their fingers.
Yeah, but those states are something you can slip out of immediately,
Jordan said. The thing I hate about drugs and alcohol is that you can't
change your mind once you're high. I despise being altered under some arbitrary
time line. Couldn't do it, she said.
Have you ever smoked grass? Ryan asked.
No. No interest, really. You?
Huh-uh. Some of my cousins do, and my brothers have, but I couldn't do it,
either. Lord, I couldn't do it just because of the munchies! she said, laughing.
I'd burst!
* * * * * * * * * * *
When Jamie woke, her partner and Jordan were chatting softly, neither watching
the television, which was now showing some syndicated show from the U.S. Where's
the football game? she asked slowly, smacking her dry lips together.
Over. Wisconsin won, by the way. Ryan checked her watch and said,
You've been out for more than an hour.
Really? Jamie sat up and stretched, moaning a little as she said,
I feel hung over.
I'll get you something to drink, Ryan said. That'll help.
She came back with a pitcher of fresh lemonade, with just a hint of the fragrant
local limes in it for bite. Ooo, this is goooood, Jamie sighed.
What's good? a rough voice demanded from across the room.
Lemonade, Jamie said, getting up and walking over to her friend to
hand her a glass. We did good buying those lemons and limes yesterday.
God, this is good, Mia said, sitting up just enough to greedily gulp
it down. Sitting up all the way, she gave Jordan a puzzled look. We didn't
make love, did we?
God no! she cried. Do I make that small an impression on you?
Of course not, Mia said softly, gently patting her leg. Every
time with you rocks my world. She leaned over and kissed her, saying, I
just don't have a real clear memory of the afternoon.
That's why we didn't make love, Jordan said. I want you to be
fully present when we touch each other.
Me too, she said, snuggling up into her warm embrace. Her head cocked,
and she gave her a sexy grin as she informed her, I'm present now.
I guess you are, the larger woman said. Don't worry, we'll get
right on that little item.
Do you guys want to have dinner together? Ryan asked.
Yeah, sure, Mia said, and Jordan nodded too. It's okay with
me if we just eat here again. I really enjoyed last night.
Mmm, Ryan said, it was magical, wasn't it?
It was, Jamie said. That works for me. I'll have them deliver
dinner again. She looked over at her partner and said, It astounds
me that you're keeping your vow. I really think you'd be happy not to leave our
room except to lie on the beach.
I wasn't kidding. I need the solitude.
So, you're not interested in going to the main island and participating
in the body shot contest? Mia asked. I thought Jamie was going to
talk you into it.
Oh, you were, were you? Ryan asked, looking at her partner.
I've never seen anybody do body shots before, she said. But
Mia said she bet you'd be good at it.
Mia knows me too well, Ryan said, grinning rakishly.
Show me
show me, Jamie begged.
All right. You know I can't say no to you. But no alcohol. I'm not in the
mood to get buzzed.
Do you know how to do this, Jordan? Jamie asked.
Yeah, I've seen navel shots, she said. But I've never done them.
You can practice on me, Mia purred, giving her a very sexy grin.
Okay, she said, her voice a little higher than normal. Let me
watch the master first.
Ryan shrugged, deciding that it wasn't a bad idea to have a little racy fun. She
went into the kitchen and cut a lime up into eighths, then took two shot glasses
from the bar. Grabbing the saltshaker on her way out of the kitchen, she placed
everything down on the coffee table. Okay, class, the most G-rated body
shot is the navel shot. Luckily, we have an adorable navel here, she tickled
Jamie's exposed visual aid, to serve as our model. She placed a hand
on her shoulder and pushed gently. Lie down, please. Turning to her
friends she said, In a bar, you would usually do this by having the victim
I mean model
lie down across a couple of bar stools. For our purposes
I choose the sofa. I happen to know that the model is very delicate and used to
gentle treatment.
Funny, Jamie said, sticking her tongue out.
While grabbing the pink organ and giving it a tug, Ryan said, Okay, you
usually use tequila, but I'm choosing lemonade. For the traditional method, you
rub a lime around whatever piece of skin you want to lick, then sprinkle it with
a little salt. I think I'll choose the one stop meal, she said. Taking a
wedge of lime she squeezed it a little and rubbed the flesh around Jamie's sensitive
navel, making sure she had it coated well. Jamie, of course, giggled throughout,
making the application a little more difficult. Ryan then sprinkled just a few
grains of salt onto the wet skin and poured a tiny bit of lemonade directly into
the little depression.
The smaller woman twitched and shivered, trying to stop herself from pushing her
partner away. Ryan's grin grew wider as she leaned close so close that
Jamie could feel her warm breath on her skin. Now you lick the salt and
the lime, then slurp up the shot. Twitching her eyebrows in Jamie's direction,
she did just that, letting her soft tongue caress the sensitive skin until her
lover's toes curled and her hands balled into tight fists. A few noisy sucks drew
almost all of the lemonade out of the tiny human shot-glass, but Ryan was always
careful to clean up after herself, and her tongue made sure there wasn't a drop
left.
When she started to pull her head away, she realized that two hands were laced
through her hair and that neither one wanted to let go. Her chin rotated so that
she could gaze at her partner, and saw that Jamie's eyes were tightly closed and
her nipples were so hard that they were plainly visible through the thin fabric
of her bikini top. Like that? Ryan asked, her voice having dropped
into a dangerously low register.
Ungh, the smaller woman grunted, unable to speak at the moment.
Your turn, Jordan, they heard Mia say. Neither Jamie nor Ryan had
remembered that their friends were in the room with them, but they did their best
to sit up and focus.
Jordan blushed a little, but she hung in gamely and rubbed the lime all over Mia's
navel, one of her most sensitive spots. Dripping a little lemonade into the depression,
she grasped her hips and held her down while she retrieved it. Mia was excessively
ticklish around her navel, and Jordan knew the process would be like wrestling
a bobcat, but she rather liked to wrestle with this particular bobcat, so she
held on tight, and didn't relinquish her hold until all of the lemonade was whisked
away by her agile tongue. She finished with a flourish, snapping her teeth onto
the gold hoop that pierced the sensitive skin and giving it a good tug, making
Mia scream with delight.
Well! Ryan sat back against the sofa, her eyes wide and a little glassy,
her partner exhibiting a similar expression. Body shot or foreplay? You
be the judge!
Foreplay, Mia growled, throwing her feet to the floor and grabbing
Jordan's hand. Before Jordan could echo her decision, the door to their room was
firmly closed.
Well, that was hot, Ryan said, fanning herself quickly.
Ha! You think that's hot, the blonde purred, just wait until
I get my hot little hands on you.
But, honey, my lesson isn't over yet, Ryan said. Don't you want
to see the whole gamut of body shots?
Jamie paused for a minute, looking at the big blue eyes that gazed at her so lovingly.
Who would say no to that? she asked. Instruct me, hot stuff
... in the bedroom.
Ryan followed her compliantly. I love a willing student, she said.
I think I'll show you the crotch shot next. Any objections?
Duh
huh? Jamie asked. You make me lose my rational mind
when you look at me so hungrily.
Rationality is highly overrated, Ryan said. For this one you
have to stand
can you?
Barely, she muttered.
Jamie stood on her wobbly legs while Ryan took one of the shot glasses and filled
it half full of lemonade. Okay, this one is a little tricky, she informed
her. You've got to hold this one with your legs. Here goes, she said,
and pressed the glass into the smooth flesh at the very top of her lover's thighs.
Perfect, she breathed. Now just a little more lime. Oddly,
she rubbed the lime onto her lover's hips, just above and below the tiny ties
that held up the strip of fabric that was masquerading as a swimsuit. Jamie gave
her a puzzled glance, but Ryan just got to her knees and proceeded to worry the
little ties with her tongue, licking and sucking all of the juice from her flesh
at the same time her white teeth nipped at the tie and pulled the little bow.
An ulterior motive, Jamie chided gently, running her hand through
Ryan's dark hair as the determined woman worked at the second tie. When both were
loose, the fabric draped over the shot glass, and Jamie wondered how Ryan was
going to drink from it. She found out seconds later as her partner crawled behind
her and tugged at the single millimeter-wide strip of fabric that separated her
cheeks. The dark woman yanked and pulled, her white teeth gaining purchase of
more and more of the fabric as it slid across her partner's vulva. With one final
yank, the thong was in her mouth, her grin rivaling Duffy's when he won a game
of tug-of-war.
Crawling back to the front of Jamie's body, she looked up at her with bright eyes,
the fabric hanging from her mouth like the prize that it was. Her mouth opened
and she dropped it into her hand, then extended it to her partner. I believe
you dropped this, she said, blinking up at her. Now I need a little
drink to cool my dry tongue.
Jamie's mouth was dry, too, but that was just about the only part of her body
she could make that claim about. Ryan scooted closer, her head just level with
the glass that had managed to stay right where she had placed it. Bright blue
eyes looked up at Jamie, giving her a heartbreakingly sexy smile as her hands
trailed up her body to hold her hips. Her determined tongue peeked out of her
mouth and started to push at the bottom of the glass, managing to eventually tip
the contents right into her mouth, grinning up at Jamie the entire time. Like
that one? she asked, the room redolent with the scent of their commingled
arousal.
Yeah, the smaller woman muttered, now monosyllabic. Good.
One to go, Ryan said, smiling at the wide-eyed response the information
engendered. You'll like this one.
I liked the other ones, too. A lot.
Yeah, but you get to drive this time.
Ryan whipped off her top, leaving her pouty breasts exposed to her lover's intent
gaze. After pouring the shot glass full, she wedged it between her ample breasts,
saying, Any old place you want to put the lime is fine with me.
I like this, Jamie said weakly, her mind reeling with possibilities.
I know my girl, Ryan said, blowing her a kiss.
As expected, Jamie squeezed the lime onto Ryan's erect nipples, watching them
perk into even stiffer peaks. She grasped her partner by the waist and proceeded
to lave the hard points, raking them with her teeth and sucking gently. Ryan's
hands were splayed across her breasts, holding the shot glass as still as possible
against difficult odds.
When all of the lime had been thoroughly removed, Jamie dropped the wedge into
the glass and leaned in close. She used Ryan's technique of pulling the glass
down with her tongue, and when it was tilted a few degrees in her direction she
sucked the lime out, biting down with her even teeth before discarding it. Now
she leaned in hard and nuzzled the perfect flesh with abandon, making quite a
mess as the lemonade splashed out of the glass, and dribbled down the supple breasts.
That was all in Jamie's plan however, and she tilted her head to lap up every
spilled drop, running her tongue frantically across nearly every inch of skin.
The rough nuzzling and voracious suckling quickly rendered the glass nearly empty,
and she lightly grasped it with her teeth, tossing her head back to drain the
final recalcitrant drop. She removed the shot glass and wiped her mouth with the
back of her hand. I love lemonade, she growled, pulling her partner
close for the first of many mind-altering kisses.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Have a nice nap? Ryan asked as she gently trailed her fingers through
her partner's hair. The smaller woman was sprawled across her body in exactly
the same position in which she had fallen, after the last of a series of deeply
satisfying climaxes.
Uhm
that wasn't a nap. I was unconscious. She blinked her eyes
into focus and rolled onto her back, scrubbing at her face with her fists. Goodness!
My throat hurts from moaning. Clearing her throat, she flipped onto her
side and caught the self-satisfied expression on her partner's face. You
love making me beg for mercy, don't you?
Mmm, Ryan said thoughtfully. I'd have to answer in the affirmative.
Every artist loves to hear feedback on her work. She shared a warm smile
with her partner and tenderly brushed her mussed hair from her forehead. I
love you, Jamie. Dipping her head, she placed several gentle kisses on the
coral-tinted lips.
I love you too, Ryan, the smaller woman said. I do so love being
here with you. It's wonderful to see the old Ryan back.
Stretching languidly, Ryan acknowledged the truth to the statement. I feel
better
lighter
freer, than I have since basketball season started.
I feel like me.
Jamie started to play with her hair, and in seconds Ryan's dark head was resting
on her chest, turning slightly every few minutes so the head rub could reach every
inch. You surprised me a little by being so mischievous in front of Mia
and Jordan, she said.
Good surprise, or bad surprise? the dark woman asked.
Good. I like losing some of my inhibitions and being more light-hearted.
I'm glad they left when they did, but up until that point it was just fun.
Yeah, Ryan said. It's different for me, since I haven't had
many friends in the past that I felt comfortable letting my guard down with.
Really? Jamie asked. That surprises me.
I mean friends that I was never intimate with, Ryan said. It's
funny. I feel sexual tension when we're with them, but it isn't directed at them.
It's more of a charged atmosphere
probably because we're all newly in love.
It's very different for me, but I really enjoy it.
I enjoy it too, Jamie said. I don't want to flaunt our sex life
in front of them, but I feel comfortable being kinda frisky with you while they're
around.
Yeah, that about sums it up, Ryan said. I'm beginning to feel
more comfortable just being ourselves. It's nice. She looked up at the ceiling
and said, I really miss Jordan. I know that being on the Olympic team is
her life goal, but it's gonna be hard having her gone for so long.
Being with her for a few days makes it that much harder to let her go again,
doesn't it.
Yeah, it does. You know how I hate to be away from family.
The ever-expanding O'Flaherty clan, Jamie said. We're gonna
have to buy Bill Gates' house to hold everyone.
Small price to pay, Ryan said. You can never have too many people
that you love.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The next morning Jamie woke with the sun peeking in through the open sliding glass
doors. The salt-laced breeze was warm and humid, and felt divine against her bare
skin. Mmm, Ryan's already up. She felt the bed, noting that it was cool
to the touch. The little scamp's been up for a while. I wonder what
she's up to?
She put on one of her partner's T-shirts and went to look for her, finding a note
on the coffee table. Went to explore a little. I guess two days is my maximum
vegetation period. I'll be back for breakfast. It was signed with a bold R
and a series of small X's. Bringing the paper to her lips, she fondly kissed the
signature, feeling just a little silly as she did so. God, could you be
any more in love?
There was nothing of interest in the refrigerator, so she went out onto the deck
to wait for her partner. In just a few minutes she saw her in the distance, her
unmistakable form eating up the space between them. Ryan had the ability to look
graceful and smooth even when walking through ankle deep sand, and Jamie watched
her, absolutely mesmerized by her easy, rolling gait. As soon as the tall woman
got close enough to make out shapes, she waved, as though she knew Jamie would
be outside waiting for her.
Unable to wait the two minutes it would take her to cross the sand, Jamie dashed
down the stairs and ran to greet her, her face beaming a grin as she did so. Miss
me? Ryan asked, water still rolling off her bronzed skin. She was holding
a mask, snorkel and flippers, and wore a satisfied, deeply contented smile.
Of course. I couldn't sleep without you.
Uh-huh, Ryan said, knowing that wasn't true. How long have you
been up, love?
About ten minutes, she said.
I've been gone for two hours, Ryan said. Something doesn't compute
here.
Well, I was technically asleep, but I'm sure it was poor quality sleep since
you weren't there.
Ahh, that makes sense, the dark woman said. Wanna go out with
me again? Honestly, Jamie, I just had one of the most amazing experiences of my
whole life, and I'm dying to share it with you.
Tell me, Jamie said, grasping her partner's cool hand.
I got in the water just before sunrise, Ryan said, her eyes sparkling.
I was over by a little grouping of rocks, and the sun started to stream
through the water, lighting up more and more of the most amazing variety of sea
creatures that you can imagine! I swear I would have stayed there all day, but
I knew you'd be worried about me if I didn't come back soon.
I would have been very worried about you if I knew you were snorkeling alone,
Jamie chided gently. That's not very smart, love.
Ryan just grinned widely. I told you that I do lots of dumb stuff, too,
she said.
I guess you did, didn't you? she said, patting her chilled tummy as
she smiled up at her. I'd love to go with you. Let's eat a little snack
and head back out.
Honey, I loved it so much it hasn't crossed my mind to eat! Let's go!
Looking up at her, Jamie saw a hint of something in the cool, blue eyes. Instead
of the calm, relaxed look of a moment before, now Ryan looked like she needed
to get back into the water. Ryan, she said softly, why the rush?
Uhm
Ryan moved from one foot to another, looking a little embarrassed.
I uhm
I felt free when I was there, Jamie. I didn't have any upsetting
thoughts get in
I was safe.
Putting her arms around her waist, Jamie held on tight. You're safe, honey;
you're safe here.
I know, she said, but I felt much better underwater. I don't
know why, but I need to go back out there. I keep thinking about leaving tomorrow
and I
I
Okay, love. We'll go right now. She took Ryan's hand and led her back
to the cottage so she could put her suit on.
Tapping her foot anxiously, Ryan said, Bring your new camera. This is something
I'll want to remember for the rest of our lives.
I'll remember this weekend without photos, Jamie said, smiling broadly.
But it'll be nice to share the pictures with the rest of the family.
Yeah, Ryan sighed. Then maybe they'll understand why I'm going
to move here.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When Mia woke, she turned slightly to find two very bright blue eyes gazing at
her. Hi, gorgeous, she said, drawing a very faint blush from Jordan.
Hi. Sleep well?
Oh, yeah. Mia purred throatily, rolling all around the big bed while
she stretched. I haven't slept this well since you left for Colorado.
She rolled over and enfolded Jordan in a warm embrace. Everything's better
when you're here, she sighed. The food tastes better, the air's fresher
and cleaner, the sun's even brighter.
Honey, the food is better, the air is fresher and cleaner, and the sun is
probably brighter too, Jordan said, smiling warmly.
Okay, smarty-pants, then explain why I'm sleeping so much better. This bed
isn't as nice as the one I have at home.
Well, that's probably because of me, Jordan said, grinning widely.
You know, she said, I've been thinking, and as hard as I wrack
my brain, I can't recall ever enjoying two days as much as I've enjoyed the two
we've had here.
Mia tightened her embrace, and nuzzled her head into Jordan's chest. I feel
the same way, she murmured. I've enjoyed every minute with you.
Nuzzling harder, unable to be close enough, Mia said, I keep trying to focus
on enjoying today, but I keep thinking about leaving you tomorrow, and it makes
my stomach ache.
Uhm
I don't know what your plans are
but you could come with
me to the tournament in Florida. That would give us a few extra days together.
Mia sat up, her eyes saucering a little. Come with you?
Yeah. I'll have to practice in the morning, and play in the evening, but
we'd have a few hours together in the afternoon.
Uhm
where would I stay? Mia asked.
Jordan blinked at her, puzzled as to why Mia didn't seem to understand her point.
With me, of course. We'll probably have to rent our own room, but that shouldn't
be too expensive. I can swing it if you're low on funds.
Staring at her partner in amazement, Mia asked again, You'd stay with me?
What if people see us together?
Looking mildly frustrated, Jordan tried again. Look, Mia, the whole point
would be so that people will see us together. I want you to meet my teammates,
and the women I'm going to share an apartment with. I want the coaching staff
to meet you. Heck, you should get to know the traveling secretary she might
have some leads on how to get bargain hotel rooms in Australia.
Sitting up and staring, Mia asked, What am I missing? You were adamant about
making sure that no one knew you were gay! Now you want everyone to know?
Yes, yes, Jordan said. I want everyone to know. I was being
paranoid, Mia. Now that I know there isn't a problem with the team, I'm ready
to come out to everyone.
I
I had no idea, Mia said, still stunned.
Jordan pulled her back down, and cuddled her close. Now the only issue is
how you feel about it.
Me?
Yeah, you. I know you don't claim the lesbian label, Mia, and having me
introduce you as my lover kinda puts the tag on you. How do you feel about that?
Jordy, there are two people who I don't want to know about our relationship.
Those two are my mother and father. She paused for a second and said, I'd
better add my grandparents to that list, too. They'd have a stroke. Shivering
roughly she took a breath and said, I'll tell them all, but I'm not ready
just yet. Other than that, I don't give a damn what people think about me. You're
the only person that matters to me, baby.
So
you'll come?
I'd like to meet the person who could stop me, she said.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The next morning, two anxious women scanned the beach, looking in vain for their
friends. If we don't leave in ten minutes, we'll never make the flight,
Jordan said. I don't want to ditch them, but I can't be late for practice!
If they're not here soon, you go ahead. I'll meet up with you in Ft. Lauderdale.
Taking another anxious look, Jordan asked, Is that them?
Mia looked where she pointed, and saw two figures who looked to be running across
the sand. The taller one was clearly in the lead, and Mia sighed as she said,
Yep. That's them. Jesus, could they cut it a little closer?
Jordan went and grabbed their suitcases, getting everything into the waiting cab
while their friends were running across the deck, stripping as they went. Mia
threw them each a towel, and they ran naked into their room, throwing on the clothes
they had left out. The curly-haired woman grabbed their wet, sandy suits and put
them in a plastic bag and shoved them into her backpack. Let's go!
Okay, okay, Ryan said, hopping on one foot as she tried to wipe the
sand off the other. They all flew down the front steps and got into the cab with
a collective exhale. Nice day for snorkeling, Ryan said when she caught
her breath.
You two have been in that water so long I thought you'd get the bends!
Jordan said. You were out there until it was nearly dark last night, and
then you disappeared before we even got up today.
I'm just glad she didn't discover it until we'd been here two days,
Jamie said, fondly patting her partner's leg. The fish would have seen more
of her than we would have!
You know how I've been anxious to go to Ireland to see my family?
Ryan asked, her eyes twinkling.
Yes.
Scrap that, she said with a chuckle. Every vacation from now
on is gonna be somewhere that I can snorkel. The Irish Sea just doesn't cut it!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Once on the plane heading for home, Jamie snuggled up next to her partner and
said, I kinda envy Mia, getting to stay and watch Jordan compete in a tournament.
Envy? Why?
Mmm, mainly because it feels so peaceful and calm down here. We don't know
anyone, and no one knows us. It feels like a little sanctuary.
That's a nice term, Ryan said, finding a comfortable position as she
felt her body begin to relax. We needed a sanctuary. Regrettably, it's back
to reality in about oh
four hours.
Jamie sighed and cuddled close, chuckling softly as she said, You smell
like the ocean.
Hmm
snorkeling for three hours, not taking a shower
I wonder
why?
That wasn't a complaint, Jamie said. I like it
reminds
me of snorkeling. I'm going to dream about the pretty fish all the way home.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Part Six
This is a pretty nice place, Mia said as they arrived at their hotel.
The team was scheduled to play in the Pan-Am tournament starting the next day,
and the hotel was located within walking distance of the arena where the games
would be played.
Yeah, Jordan said. I sure lucked out. I thought we'd have to
rent a separate room.
It's nice to have an odd number of players, isn't it? the curly-haired
woman said. She walked over to Jordan and said, I was really impressed that
you told them you had your partner with you. Was that hard for you?
The blonde shook her head, smiling gently. No, it wasn't for some reason.
She bent and kissed Mia, lingering for a moment to enjoy the taste of her lips.
That was the first time I've ever come out to anyone, she said. Other
than Ryan, of course.
It'll get easier every time you do it. Jamie comes out to people on the
street now, she said. If she can feel that comfortable that quickly,
so can you.
It's easier with support from the people I love, Jordan said, giving
her another kiss. It's nice to have open-minded straight people like
you in my life.
I'll give you a straight person, the laughing woman said, pushing
Jordan onto the bed.
Now, now, I have to get to practice, Jordan said, giggling while Mia's
fingers found all of her ticklish spots. I can't let you have your straight
girl way with me.
I'll go easy on you now, but as soon as practice is over you're gonna be
mine.
I'm yours anyway, Jordan said, placing a gentle kiss on her lips before
she hopped up to get ready for practice.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Quicker than either woman was prepared for, they were thrust back into reality
when they arrived back in Berkeley from the airport. Ryan was running late and
didn't have time to stop at home first, so she directed the driver to drop her
off at the gym. She kissed Jamie quickly and hopped out, muttering, I've
still got sand in some very sensitive places. Sweating while I run up and down
that court is not going to be fun.
Sorry, Tiger, Jamie said, waving goodbye as her cranky lover trotted
away.
She was nearly at the door of the gym when she saw them. Regrettably, they saw
her at the same time, and descended upon her like a school of piranhas. Ryan!
What do you have to say about the article printed in today's National Inquisitor?
Is what they say about you true, Ryan? You have to comment sometime! Where's Jamie?
Are you still together, or has the publicity caused you to break up?
Staring at the ground, she tried to brush past the small but determined crowd.
As microphone after microphone was thrust into her face, she raised her arms and
clasped her hands together, her sharp elbows poised to jab anyone who got in her
way. The school had posted a guard at the players' entrance, and as she drew near
he opened the door to let her pass, throwing his substantial bulk across the opening
to stop the crowd from following her.
She was nearly in tears by the time she made it into the locker room, feeling
the pressure once again tightening in her chest. It was hard for her to breathe,
and she knew that she was in no shape to play basketball at the moment. Since
she was a little late, the rest of the players were already on the court, and
she hurried to struggle out of her clothes, while pawing through her locker to
find some clean practice shorts. Coach Hayes approached and placed a hand on her
shoulder. Are you okay? she asked gently.
Ryan looked at her with a mixture of panic and revulsion. Yeah. Yeah. I
will be. I'm just having a hard time catching my breath. What in the hell were
the idiots talking about? she asked, her face contorted in stark confusion.
They were asking about Jamie and me.
Mary blinked at her for a moment, then asked, Uhm
don't you know
the latest?
What latest? I don't know a damned thing. I just got out of a cab from the
airport.
Uhm
I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but the tabloids are now
digging into your personal life, Mary said, feeling sick to her stomach
at the heartbreakingly shocked look on the young woman's face.
My
my personal life?
Yeah. Uhm
someone close to you is obviously talking to the tabloids,
Ryan. I
I
I don't know why anyone would say what he or she has been
saying unless
Glaring at the woman, Ryan snapped, No one close to me would do that. No
one! The tabloids just make shit up.
Well
they've been printing some pretty specific details about you
and Jamie. All sorts of things about how you first got together. They're fascinated
with the fact that you and Jamie are lovers. Stroking her back, the coach
asked, Your family knows about you, don't they?
Of course. We live with them on the weekends. We're not in the closet, Coach.
It's just
it's personal! With a strangled groan, she got to
her feet and kicked one of the lockers
then another
then another
lashing out against the inanimate objects with a fury that shocked the
startled coach. The out-of-control young woman started to grab anything that she
could reach, taking out her rage on the towel cart, the Gatorade cart, and everything
else that wasn't nailed down. Mary was sure she was going to hurt herself, so
she got behind her and grabbed onto her waist, holding on for dear life as Ryan
flailed away, screaming curse words at the top of her lungs.
Lynette came running in just as Mary yanked with all of her might to stop Ryan
from dragging her into the bathroom enclosure. Her desperate grab caused Ryan
to lose her balance, and both of them wound up on the floor, their limbs tangled
together. Jesus Christ! Lynette cried, running to separate them. What
the fuck has gotten into you, Ryan! Turning her head to the door, she yelled,
Somebody call the campus police!
No! For God's sake, don't do that! Mary pried herself away from Ryan,
who was now babbling incoherently, curled up in the fetal position on the wet
tile floor. She didn't try to hurt me, Lynette. She just flipped out, and
I tried to stop her from hurting herself. She's so damned strong, I was afraid
she'd rip the sinks off the wall!
Mary crawled over to Ryan and tugged on her until her head and shoulders were
resting on her lap. Soothingly, she stroked her, murmuring to her as she did so.
Looking up, she saw most of the members of the team standing in the doorway, their
eyes nearly popping from their heads. Turning to Lynette, she said, Get
rid of everyone, and see if you can get Jamie on the phone.
When Lynette left, Mary continued to try to soothe her troubled player, rocking
her like she did her own children when one of them threw a tantrum. Slowly, Ryan
recovered, and she rolled onto her back, gazing up at her coach with a confused
look on her tear-streaked face. Fuck, she muttered. I don't
know what the hell just happened.
Mary didn't say a thing, she just helped Ryan to sit up, then she got to her knees
and stood. Extending a hand, she helped pull the sturdy young woman up, then put
an arm around her waist and led her down the halls to her office. Once inside,
she handed her some tissues and said, We've been trying to get hold of Jamie,
or your family.
No, no, that will just worry her, she said. I'm fine now. I
uhm
don't think I should practice today, though.
The coach looked at her player until Ryan raised her eyes and met her gaze. You're
in no shape to play basketball, Ryan. You need to get some help.
I'm fine, she said, her voice rising in agitation. I need to
keep going! If I keep everything as normal as possible, I'll be all right.
No. Mary shook her head slowly. In the last week, you've had
a panic attack, you accidentally took an overdose of sleeping pills and liquor,
and now you practically tear the locker room apart. You're not all right, Ryan,
and until you get some help, I can't let you play.
You're kicking me off the team? she asked, looking like she'd been
struck.
No. You're physically unable to perform, Ryan. I want you to see a psychologist
or a psychiatrist to help you through this. You can't play until your doctor says
you're able.
Fine. She got up and left the office, striding down the hallway to
get her things from the locker room. Mary was right on her heels, and she grasped
her sleeve as Ryan entered the room. The younger woman whirled and glared at her
coach. You don't know what's best for me! I'll be fine if I can just go
about my normal activities!
You can't, Ryan, the woman said. Things have changed. There
are reporters following you, and they're going to be at all of our practices,
all of our games. You can't be normal, because they won't let you. I have to know
that you can handle the stress!
I've handled more stress than you can imagine, Ryan growled. I
can handle this, too.
No, you can't. Not while I'm in charge. I'm sorry Ryan, but I care for you
too much to let you harm yourself.
The young woman crossed her arms over her chest and asked, Are you going
to call my family and tell them this?
No. You're old enough to make your own decisions. I just hope you make the
right one. She looked at her for another moment, then her expression gentled
and she said, I care about you, Ryan, more than I care about winning and
losing. She patted her on the back and left the room, leaving the younger
woman alone.
* * * * * * * * * * *
She didn't have her cell phone, and she had no money on her, since her things
were in the cab with Jamie. Having very few options, she walked towards the players'
entrance, but stopped before she reached it. I'm not going through that again,
she said. She began to prowl around the building, finding herself in the bowels
of the new auditorium. She came upon some workmen unloading supplies from trucks,
and realized that she was at the loading dock. Without announcing her presence,
she sat down on the edge of the dock, then jumped, hitting the ground fairly hard.
Hey! You can't leave the building that way! one of the men yelled
at her.
Says who? she growled, not bothering to look back.
Nearly a block from her home, she saw the news trucks double-parked on her normally
quiet street. Suddenly, the place didn't even feel like her home any more. The
reporters had defiled the very ground that the building rested on, and she couldn't
bear the thought of going inside. All she wanted was to grab one of the cars and
drive until she managed to elude the wolves. But both Jim's BMW and the Boxster
were in the driveway, neither doing her much good. While she stood on the sidewalk,
looking as confused as she felt, a woman approached. Hey, aren't you
?
she started to ask.
Yeah, I am, she said. Do you live here? Ryan indicated
the house that the woman stood in front of.
Yes, I do.
Could I please use your phone? I can't get into my house, and I've got to
see if my girlfriend is okay.
Sure, come on in, she said immediately. Is Jamie all right?
Ryan blinked at her and said, It's so odd, hearing you talk about her like
you know her.
The woman blushed and said, Well, I feel like I do. You two could have your
own channel, you're on TV so much.
Ryan just shook her head and made for the phone, relieved when her partner answered.
Where are you, honey? she asked, hearing noise in the background.
I'm still in the cab, she grumbled. We're close to the gym.
I'm gonna brave the crowds to pull you out of there when practice is over.
It's over, Ryan said. Can you come get me? I'm a block north
of our house.
Be right there, Jamie said, instructing the driver.
They escaped their neighborhood without further incident, but just stared at each
other when the driver asked where they wanted to go. I have to go home,
Ryan said, her voice breaking. I have to see my family.
Jamie immediately gave the driver directions, glad beyond words that he didn't
seem to recognize them, or think their behavior odd. Jamie reached Martin on her
cell, and he instructed them to go to Niall's house, since the media had not encroached
upon his house in Sunset.
They had the driver stop at a Bank of America so Jamie could get enough cash to
pay the exorbitant fare, and he dropped them off at around five o'clock. It was
dark, but Martin wasn't taking any chances. He whisked the young women into the
house, then went back for their bags, and to settle up with the cabbie after Jamie
thrust $200 at him.
Ryan stood in the hallway, tears streaming down her face, her partner holding
on to her body tightly. Martin came back inside and wrapped them both in a fierce
hug, holding on until his daughter's sobs had calmed. He led them over to the
redwood table and benches, the only furniture in the house. Ryan looked around,
a desolate expression on her face. I can't stay here, she moaned,
her voice rising in panic. It's like a prison cell!
Sshhh, sshhh, Martin soothed. I don't want you to stay here,
love. I just wanted to get your things into a safe place. The reporters are covering
our house, too, sweetheart, so we have to get you in surreptitiously, and I didn't
want to chance it until after dark. But don't you worry, Siobhán, I'll
take you home with me, and come back and get your things later.
Our house or your house? she asked, her lower lip quivering.
Wherever you'll feel better, he said, wrapping her in another embrace.
My poor, poor baby. He sat down on one of the benches and held her
tight, cradling her like he had when she was a young child. Jamie sat on her other
side and patted her thigh soothingly, just trying to stay connected.
What have we done to be hounded like this? she asked.
Nothing, darlin'. You've done nothing to deserve this. They're a pack of
jackals, he spat, his anger rising precipitously.
Jamie stood and went to her purse, extracting her cell phone. I want to
call my father and let him know we're back.
He's called the house every day that you've been gone, Martin said.
He's very worried about you both.
She nodded and waited as the speed dial connected to his apartment. He wasn't
home, so she tried his cell, and he answered quickly. Daddy?
Oh, Jamie, thank God, he sighed. I was afraid you'd gone into
hiding.
No, she said with a ghost of a laugh. Although that's very appealing.
Where are you, honey?
We just got back to San Francisco. We're at Ryan's cousin's house in Sunset.
Let me come get you, he said. I can have a limo pick you up
and I'm quite sure the police department will stop the reporters from following
you.
Jamie took one look at her partner, her dark head cradled against Martin's chest.
We need to stay here, Dad. I think it'll be okay once we get settled.
Jamie, I'm so sorry about everything that's come out, he said, sounding
heartbroken.
What is it, Daddy? I've been in a cab for hours. I don't know what you're
talking about.
Someone who knows you spoke to the press. I'm not certain, but I think it
was Cassie Martin.
Oh, God. She sank onto the bench, and leaned heavily against Ryan.
Why do you think that?
The things that were printed are the kinds of things that only Mia or Cassie
or Jack would know, honey. I know Mia wouldn't do that to you, and Jack is far
too honorable to betray you like that. I don't think Cassie has the same moral
code as Mia and Jack do.
Sighing, Jamie asked, Okay, give it to me. What did she say?
Jim paused for a moment, trying to think of the best way to present the things
he had read. She had two main points. One, that Ryan uses women for what
she can get out of them casting them aside when she's finished; and two,
that she set out on a path to destroy your relationship with Jack. The implication
was that she's using you like she's used the others and that once she has
taken as much of your money as she can get her hands on she'll leave you
for a real lesbian.
I am suddenly so damned tired, she said, I don't even have the
strength to get angry.
I understand, honey, Jim said, but it's clear that you can't
continue to ignore this. It's not going to go away on its own. You have to have
a spokesperson. I understand that you don't want to talk, but I think you need
an expert to guide you through this morass.
Fine, she said wearily. We'll be at
She looked
at Martin, who mouthed, My house. We'll be at Martin's,
she informed her father, giving him the telephone number and the address. Oh,
and Daddy, make sure this person knows that the house is surrounded. He or she
will be harassed just trying to get in.
Public relations people are used to that, honey. It's how they earn their
living.
When Jamie hung up, she gazed at her partner for a moment, then said, Given
how upset you are, I have a feeling that you know about the tabloids.
Ryan's dark head nodded, but she didn't say a word.
Do you know who sold us out, honey?
With her eyes blinking slowly, Ryan said, I didn't before, but I do now.
I hope that she's made her peace with God 'cause she's gonna meet him soon
as soon as I get my hands on her.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Hearing that the girls were back in the neighborhood, Conor was dispatched to
the Necessaries, and stood in front of the magazine rack, reading the entire article
from the tabloid. When he was finished, he approached the owner of the store.
Hey, Mr. Kim? How much money do you get for selling one of these?
He held the magazine up by the corner, touching it with only his thumb and index
finger to avoid having it taint him.
Oh
about twenty-five cents, he said.
If you don't sell them, can you return them?
Oh, sure, sure.
Conor counted the supply and made an offer. I'll give you thirty cents for
each one if you return them all.
The man nodded for a moment, then asked, Do these hurt Ryan?
They do.
Then I send back. No need to pay, Conor. I make plenty from reporters drinking
coffee, anyway.
Conor gave the man a warm smile and said, Thanks, Mr. Kim. I can't have
my sister walk in here and see these.
* * * * * * * * * * *
While pushing her food around her plate, Ryan gave a brief, emotionless account
of Coach Hayes' asking her to leave the team temporarily, leaving out a few important
details such as her emotional meltdown.
Jamie could tell that Martin was steamed, but he wisely said little, trying not
to work his daughter into even more of a state. This will all be over soon,
Siobhán. Then you can go back and finish out the year in peace.
Right, she said tersely, giving no indication that she believed one
word of his statement.
* * * * * * * * * * *
For the rest of the night, Ryan sat in front of the television, flipping between
CNN, MSNBC, and all of the local news outlets, seemingly transfixed by the coverage.
No one had anything of substance to say, of course, but that didn't stop the drone
of talk. Jamie couldn't stomach the coverage, so she went to Kevin's old room
and wrote in her journal, trying to relieve her stress.
A gentle knock on the door just before nine o'clock brought Martin to his feet
and caused Ryan to look up like a trapped animal. Who is it? he asked.
Leslie King, a female voice said. Senator Evans asked me to
come. I'm with Rosenberg, Kelly and Martini. Martin had no idea what that
meant, but Ryan got to her feet and opened the door.
Ryan O'Flaherty, she said, extending one hand, while the other shielded
her eyes from the glare of the lights trained upon the door.
The woman slipped past her, then spent a moment smoothing her hair back into place.
Quiet a gauntlet out there, she said.
We had to come in through the back, Ryan said. It pays to live
in a neighborhood for thirty years. The neighbors don't try to shoot you when
you traipse through their back yards.
Well, Leslie said. It's good to meet you, Ryan, even though
the circumstances aren't ideal. I'm here to see if we can't help get you and Jamie
a little peace.
Anything you can do will be much appreciated, Ryan sighed, heading
back into the living room. Honey? she called up the stairs.
Jamie came down, and after introductions were made, Leslie got down to business.
Senator Evans tells me that you're both unwilling to make any type of statement,
she began
Correct, Ryan said, her eyes blazing with determination. At
this point, it's a test of wills.
Looking up into those slate blue eyes, Leslie decided that this resolute young
woman probably didn't lose many such tests.
Okay, I can see that's a dead issue, she said. That wouldn't
be my recommendation, but I can understand it.
What is your recommendation, Leslie? Jamie asked, feeling her lover
tense noticeably.
I think this would die down if you just made a statement saying that you
won't address the incident, or your personal lives. If they could see you, and
let America hear you, I think it would go away.
Think, or know? the blonde asked.
Well, I have 20 years of experience in the field, and I can assure you that
the one thing the press loves is a recluse. You two have been wonderful for them.
If you had just made a statement the first night, this would have been over immediately.
Too bad, Ryan said, jutting her jaw out defiantly. I'm not going
to talk, because it's no one's business.
Of course it isn't, the woman said. But sometimes you have to
be pragmatic.
No, I don't, Ryan said, her eyes burning hot.
Okay, Leslie said. Pragmatism is out.
I don't mean to be rigid, Ryan said, but I will be very upset
with myself if I let the press make me do things that I don't think are right.
It might take the immediate problem away, but it will create a bigger internal
problem for me.
I can understand that, the older woman said, lightly patting Ryan's
arm, seeing the young woman jerk noticeably. So the question remains, what
do we do now?
Not a clue, Jamie said.
What about having another family member make the statement? Leslie
asked.
No, Ryan said, her eyes not blinking.
Okay, then I guess it's up to me. I'll write up a speech, and you two can
approve it, of course. I'll call a press conference, and try to get all of the
media outlets to send someone.
What do you plan on saying? Ryan asked, her eyes narrowing.
Nothing, she said. Absolutely nothing. I want every person who
leaves that room to be cursing my name. I want to give them plenty of nothing,
Ryan. After a while, they'll realize that they're wasting their time.
That I can live with, Ryan said for the first time since they left
the plane.
* * * * * * * * * * *
As soon as Leslie left, Jamie got on the phone with her father. Thanks so
much for sending a pro to help us out, Dad. I'm not sure her plan will work, but
at least it's a step.''
We discussed what she was going to suggest, he said. Are you
going to let her make a statement?
Yeah, we are, but we want her to make it. We're just not up to it, Daddy.
Is there any way we can see each other, honey? I have to leave for Washington
tomorrow, you know.
No, I didn't know, she sighed. I want to see you, too, Dad,
but we don't have a lot of options. Either you come over here, or I sneak out.
Are you being followed?
Like a fox at the hunt, he growled. But I won't let that stop
me, Jamie. If you want to get together, I'll be there.
It's up to you, Dad. If you don't mind braving the hordes, I'd love to see
you.
I'll be there in fifteen minutes, honey, he said.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jim proved to be accurate in his prediction, and a cab dropped him off not long
after they had finished speaking. Soon after he arrived, Martin and Maeve went
to their room, to give Jamie and Ryan some time alone with him. Ryan was grumpy
and irritable, so Jamie excused her after just a few minutes.
Father and daughter stared at each other for a few minutes, then Jim reached across
the kitchen table and grasped his child's hand. I'll do anything
anything to make your life more comfortable, Jamie. I'm more than happy to hire
a driver for you, so they can't see you get into cars; I'll get a security team
to clear the area for you before you leave a place anything.
I really do appreciate that, Daddy, but I don't think that would help. I
think going through that kind of thing every time we leave the house will drive
Ryan mad.
He gazed at her for a moment, then asked, I'm not criticizing you, Jamie,
but so far every decision you've mentioned has been made by Ryan and for Ryan.
Is that how you want it to be?
She started to defend her partner, then paused and realized that her father had
a valid concern. I have let her take the lead, Daddy, but for a good reason.
She sighed and said, Being the focus of attention is driving her mad. It's
not that bad for me, for some reason. I'd just go to the Berkeley house and ignore
them but she's not able to. Since she's having such a hard time, I'm trying
to let her make the decisions. I'm just trying to support her, she said
quietly.
You're being a very good
uhm
Partner, she said, giving him a wry smile.
Right, he said, nodding. You're being a very good partner, honey.
But are you sure that your needs are being met?
Yes, they are. My biggest need right now is making sure that Ryan gets through
this. Once I'm sure she's okay, everything will be fine.
Okay, he said, letting the issue drop. I just want you to know
that I'll get as involved as you want me to. I'll do anything to fix this for
you.
Daddy, she said softly, placing a hand on his tensed arm, sometimes
you can't fix things. This will go away in time, and I really don't think there's
much you can do to make it stop. I appreciate that you want to try, but I think
you need to just go back to Washington, and let this die out on its own.
He looked down at the table, I don't know if I can do that, honey. I can't
stand to feel that powerless.
This time we are powerless, Dad. We need to calm down and wait until it
blows over.
* * * * * * * * * * *
After her father left, Jamie went into the living room and spent a few moments
watching her partner. She seemed to have been hypnotized by the television and
remained oblivious to Jamie's presence. Can I convince you to come to bed?
Ehh
I don't know, Ryan said. I think I'm too keyed up
to relax.
This isn't helping, Ryan. It's just making you angrier. I can tell by your
face.
Yeah
angry
that's about it, she snapped. I honestly
don't think I've ever been this angry. She let out a humorless laugh and
said, I keep saying that, and then some bastard makes me hit a new high.
Jamie came around the front of the sofa to take a better look at her partner.
The tall woman's hands were curled into fists, and every muscle looked like it
was coiled to strike. Jamie placed her hands on her belly, and just as she thought,
the muscles were rigid with tension. Honey, please turn it off. It's making
you crazy.
I want vengeance, Ryan said quietly, her flashing eyes glowing in
the blue light of the television.
Oh, honey, Jamie sighed. She sat down next to her and tried to draw
her attention away from the television. Ryan, that's not like you. Come
on, now. You've got to put this in perspective.
The dark head finally turned towards her, Ryan's face showing a mixture of incredulity
and indignation. Perspective? I'll give you perspective! One of your former
friends, a woman who sponged off your generosity for three years, a woman whose
mother was your mother's best friend for 15 years, decides, out of nothing but
spite and vindictiveness, to throw us to the wolves. I've seen our faces plastered
on every news show, with the skuzzy ones asking if I'm the hero I'm purported
to be, or just an opportunist who's taking advantage of my wealthy, inexperienced
lover. Even the shows that claim to take the high ground are covering the story
in nearly the same way they just use the subterfuge of talking about how
wrong it is to know all of these nasty things, and how little privacy we all have.
Her eyes burned in their intensity as she growled, There's your perspective!
Jamie didn't respond, knowing there was nothing she could say at this point to
soothe her partner. Looking into troubled blue eyes she made a decision and said,
We're leaving tomorrow. I'm taking you someplace warm
where we can
snorkel to our heart's content. Narrowing her eyes, she said, Don't
even think about arguing with me. I will not allow this to torture you, Ryan,
and the only solution I can think of is to leave until it's over.
In the blink of an eye, Ryan's expression changed from rage to wide-eyed worry.
What if it's never over?
Every news story has a life-cycle. When something else happens, we'll fade
back into anonymity.
Is this really the best idea, Jamie? Is it really wise to just run away?
She pursed her lips together and said, I've never run from anything in my
life.
Jamie stroked her face with the tips of her fingers. I don't see any other
way. We'll be trapped here as long as the press is in front of both of our homes.
It will eat you alive to be trapped here in the house. We have options. Let's
use them.
Ryan cocked her head and asked, How about Pebble Beach? We could hide out
there and not be that bothered if the press was outside the gates. You can't see
a darned thing from the street.
That's an option, she said. I just thought you'd prefer to be
in Mexico or Belize. I'm sure we'd be completely anonymous there.
Yeah, we would, Ryan said. But if we went to Pebble Beach, we
could have my family come down for the weekend. That would really help. I need
them close.
You've got a deal, Jamie said, smoothing the hair from her forehead.
We just have to figure out a way to get the Boxster out of the garage.
That's impossible, Ryan said, shaking her head. We'll either
have to rent a car or borrow Rory's.
Let's rent, Jamie said. I don't want the parasites to know our
license number.
Ryan looked over at her partner. Now all we have to do is get some clothes
smuggled out.
Nope. We're traveling with the clothes on our backs, Jamie said. We
can stop and buy a few things on the way down. I don't want to alert anyone that
we're taking off again.
Are you sure this isn't an elaborate scheme to be able to buy me clothes?
Ryan asked, her face gentling into a surprisingly warm smile.
No, but it's a nice side benefit.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Hey, Con, Ryan said when her brother picked up the phone.
Yeah? he asked sleepily. In just a moment he was wide awake, asking,
What's wrong?
Nothing. We just decided we have to get out of here. The walls are closing
in on me, bro, she said with a shaky voice.
I can lend you a mask, he said, trying to be helpful. Maeve had entertained
the young women earlier in the evening with her story of Conor's exploits with
the press. Always creative, he had paid a visit to a costume shop and purchased
several rubber masks of former presidents, bloody ghouls and even a Monica Lewinski
mask. Maeve claimed that seeing the huge man walk to his truck wearing that mask
with a big cigar stuck in his mouth was the funniest thing she'd ever seen in
her life.
No, we thought we'd go down to Pebble Beach. We just have one problem,
she said. We'd really like to take Jamie's dad's BMW, but it's in Berkeley.
Interested in a reconnaissance mission?
Sure, he said, sounding brighter by the minute. Now?
Yeah, if you don't mind. Are you being followed?
No. They perk up when I leave, but they don't even take my picture any longer.
Want me to swing by and pick you up?
No, meet me at 24th and
Noe. Can you leave soon?
Yep. Gimme five.
A few minutes later the siblings were headed to Berkeley. Ryan had prevailed upon
her partner to stay home, and after a half-hearted argument, the exhausted woman
agreed. Conor hatched the plan on the way over. It's late enough that they're
gonna be inattentive, he said. Drop me off a block away. I'll just
stroll down the street, and make a run for the car. I should be able to evade
them, since I assume I'll catch them unawares.
What if they catch you? Ryan asked. I don't want you to do anything
too risky.
If they catch me, they catch me. It's still worth a try.
Okay, Ryan said. Now remember to leave it by Mr. Regan's house.
Just leave the keys under the mat.
Will do.
Well, let's give it a go. If it doesn't work, we'll just rent a car.
Oh, it'll work, he said, his blue eyes flashing with excitement.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan parked just far enough away to be able to watch her brother lope down the
street, one of her Cal caps on his head to disguise his appearance. It looked
as though the press was caught napping, because he reached the car and took off
before anyone could scramble to his car or van. As the BMW flew past the truck,
Ryan could hear Conor's demonic laugh, broadcast to all over the car's public
address system. He's having altogether too much fun with this, she thought
as a fond grin settled onto her face.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan slept very little, her newly developed claustrophobia kicking in with a vengeance.
Knowing that the reporters were right outside of her father's house felt like
another invasion, and her imagination began to work overtime. Unable to shake
the feeling of being trapped, she finally got up and put on her warm-ups. She
hunted around in Kevin's old room and found a bandana, then tied it around her
head, hiding her distinctive mane. Leaving a note upon her pillow for Jamie, she
snuck out of the back door, crossing through every yard that she knew didn't house
a dog.
She circled around the block and peered down at the reporters, the crowd now dwindled
to a pair. They were obviously chilled, as the night was cold and foggy, and she
took some solace in that fact, hoping they were as uncomfortable as she.
Feeling a bit better now that she was outdoors, she walked the two blocks to her
own home, just to see what was going on. A small pack of men was standing on the
street corner, also looking chilled and bored. They were drinking coffee, and
she smiled when she realized that all of the decent coffee shops in the neighborhood
were long-closed. I hope you choke on the swill, she thought, with venom
filling her heart.
Bored, anxious, and filled with rage, she made the only choice available to her.
She started to walk, then when her muscles limbered up, she broke into a slow
jog, then a quicker one. It didn't take too long, and just after 3 a.m. she walked
up to the front counter of Castro Fitness. Luckily, the person at the front desk
knew her, and after a few minutes of murmuring sympathetic words for her plight,
he waved her in.
Her bandana changed her look just enough so that hardly anyone recognized her.
There were only six people working out at that early hour, and the one sharp-eyed
man who did manage to place her just walked by and muttered, Don't let the
bastards get you down, girl.
She smiled at him and nodded, I'm trying not to.
Deciding that what she most needed was a focus for her anger, she slipped on some
lightweight hand-protectors and started to work on the speed bag, getting a nice
rhythm going, imagining that the bag bore the image of a certain blonde traitor
that she was certain to wreak disaster upon.
After working the speed bag until her arms were heavy, Ryan had the trainer on
duty lace her hands into a pair of boxing gloves, and she gave the heavy bag such
a workout that the sturdy hooks holding it into the ceiling groaned. By the time
she was finished, every person in the gym was casting curious glances at her
but this time it wasn't because they recognized her. Every person there was actually
glad that they didn't know her and relieved that they weren't the ones
that the darkly beautiful woman was cursing under her breath while she whaled
upon the leather of the innocent bag.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Tiptoeing into the bedroom, Ryan shucked her clothing as quickly as possible.
She didn't have a change of clothes, so she had been forced to run home just to
keep from freezing once the cold night air hit her sodden warm-ups.
They had left their suitcases at Niall's, since they had to sneak into the house,
so she didn't have another thing to put on. Wrapping herself in a sheet, she took
her wet clothing and put it in the dryer so she could wear it until she could
send someone to her house for a fresh supply. She dropped the sheet and slipped
into bed, her body a dichotomy of ice cold and steaming hot. Regrettably, Jamie
automatically cuddled up to her as soon as she slipped beneath the covers, and
her nice warm thighs pressed against the freezing cold flesh of Ryan's butt.
Mmm
she mumbled, then blinked her eyes open. Ryan turned over
and looked at her, and when Jamie focused on the alert, haunted blue eyes staring
at her, she knew something was awry. Why are you so wide awake? Her
warm hands touched various parts of Ryan's body, then she sat up. Reaching up
to touch Ryan's hair she said, You're dripping wet and freezing cold. Were
you outside? Is it raining?
I was outside. I was going nuts, Ryan said softly. I couldn't
stand to be trapped in here another minute. I finally went to the gym and tortured
some of the equipment. I guess I didn't realize how much I was sweating. I couldn't
find a hair dryer
Jamie yawned noisily, and immediately made an offer. This is silly. Let's
get up and go right now. You're obviously not going to sleep.
Really? Ryan asked, her hopeful, fragile expression nearly breaking
Jamie's heart.
Of course, she said, giving her a firm squeeze. I might need
to crawl in the back seat and sleep, but I think you'll feel better once we're
out of here.
I will, she said, her voice hoarse with emotion. I'm sure I
will.
Come on then. We can grab breakfast on the road, and shower when we get
there. Let's get out of here before the reporters wake up.
When he heard them stirring, Martin came into the living room. What are
you two up to? he asked. It's not 5 a.m.!
We're going down to Pebble Beach, Da, Ryan said. I can't take
another minute of this.
He nodded, understanding that his daughter was one of the last people in the world
who could tolerate forced confinement. How long will you be gone?
As long as we have to be. I'm sure we'll be there on the weekend,
she said. Any chance of a visit?
You don't have to ask twice, he said. We'll be there.
Bring everybody. Come down on Saturday morning and stay over, okay?
We'll come on Friday, he said. And we'll stay the whole weekend.
Will you be all right, sweetheart? he asked, cupping her cheek with his
hand.
She just nodded her head.
Call me when you get there, okay?
I will, she said, another few tears leaking out. Don't worry
about me, Da, I'm sure I'll be fine as soon as I don't feel like a rat caught
in a trap.
Her wrapped her in his arms and held her tight, rocking her soothingly for a few
moments. I know that it upset you, darlin', but I think your coach did you
a great favor by asking you not to play basketball for a while. You and Jamie
can relax and just focus on building your strength back up. I've been worried
about you ever since you had the flu, and this stress is just making matters worse.
Patting her at various spots, he said, Why are your clothes wet?
Long story. I went over to the gym to work out and I don't have anything
to change into. This stuff dries quickly, though. It'll be fine by the time we
get to the beach.
He shook his head, sharing a knowing look with Jamie.
I'm going to focus on putting some weight back on her, and making her sleep
twelve hours a day, Jamie said, patting her lover's concave stomach when
Martin released her. I'm looking at this as a blessing in disguise.
Now who's the optimist? Ryan challenged.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan drove slowly down the streets of Carmel, looking about anxiously as she tried
to determine if anyone was watching them.
Noticing her darting eyes, Jamie placed a hand on her thigh and soothed, We
weren't followed. No one knows we're here.
They will as soon as we get out of the car. Someone will spot us and call
the tabloids.
Eh
I don't think that's necessarily true
Carmel is pretty
laid back, and people are very used to celebrities. There are practically no tourists
this time of year, and I think the locals will ignore us completely.
I hope so, Ryan said, the small furrow between her eyes threatening
to become a permanent fixture.
* * * * * * * * * * *
They had breakfast without event, and Ryan started to relax just a little when
she began to see that Jamie's prediction was holding true. No one gave them a
second glance at the restaurant, and when they stood on the sidewalk after their
meal, the passersby blithely ignored them.
The weather was damp and cold, the brisk wind whipping through their light clothes
Ryan's T-shirt still damp from her early-morning workout. Time to
go shopping, Jamie said. Is there anything you need?
Need? No, she said immediately. But there are some things that
I'd like to have.
Name it, Jamie said.
Well, I could use a new ski jacket. Mine's pretty thrashed, and I know the
duct tape that holds it together bothers you. And I like those fleece pullovers
you have. They look really soft. Maybe some fleece pants, too. Do they make those?
Sure, the blonde said. Cocking her head at her partner, she realized
that Ryan was seeking warmth and comfort in any form she could manage, and she
decided that her partner would be cuddled in softness the whole time they were
in Pebble Beach.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When they entered the first store, Jamie noted that Ryan was fidgeting within
three minutes. Make you a deal. I'll shop for underwear, pajamas, socks
and shirts. You go down the street to the ski and surf shop and buy yourself a
new jacket and some sweats. By the time you get back here, we'll get you a pair
of slacks and some shoes and be done.
I don't need slacks, Ryan said. Besides, they won't have any
that fit me.
You've told me you can wear men's slacks if they're pleated and cut slim.
I want to be able to take you out to dinner, so just humor me, okay?
Okay. Be back in a few.
Take your time so I can buy some things without being supervised! Jamie
thought, but wisely didn't give voice to her wish.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan returned with an attractive jacket; a nice spruce green with a little bit
of black detailing around the slash pockets. She had also purchased a pair of
snug-fitting black fleece pants with a matching vest; a pair of fleece overalls
in a green color very similar to her jacket; two turtleneck sweaters; and a pair
of running shoes. How'd I do? she asked as Jamie poked her head into
the bags.
Very well! I was afraid every purchase would be a fight.
Nope. I'm planning on being very compliant while we're here. I have enough
things to worry about without arguing about money.
Jamie's eyes brightened and she said, Then let's make one last stop. I've
got something all picked out for you.
Ryan gamely went along, allowing herself to be talked into a form-fitting, black
knit polo sweater, a pair of men's Italian-made pleated slacks in a slate gray,
and a pair of shiny black leather shoes. Done? the dark-haired woman
asked hopefully.
Done, Jamie said.
* * * * * * * * * * *
I don't think you could look any cuter, Jamie said as she regarded
her partner who was modeling in front of a cozy fire in the kitchen.
Looking at the tall woman, Jamie practically teared up at the adorable, childlike
grin on her face. I feel like I'm three years old, she said, giggling.
I've always been a little miffed that they didn't make rompers and onesies
for adults. Now I've got one.
Ryan was attired in her fleece overalls, along with a bright gold turtleneck.
Jamie knew that her partner would neglect to purchase anything to keep her feet
warm indoors, so she had bought matching pairs of Uggsfleece-lined shearling
boots that would keep them both toasty warm.
You do look like a little kid, Jamie said. It's a very flattering
look on you. Your whole mood seems brighter.
I feel like I can breathe again, Ryan said. I've never been
as happy as I was when we pulled in here without a news truck or a pack of reporters
nipping at our heels.
We're safe here. They can't get onto the property, and I doubt they'll even
be allowed in the compound. She looked thoughtful and said, I'm going
to call security and warn them that we're here just so they're prepared.
Ryan's eyes grew wide at that idea. But
but
they'll tell someone!
No, they won't. I'll talk to the head of the security force. He's a nice
guy, and I'm sure he'll do whatever he can to make sure we're safe. I think it's
wise to let him make some plans before we're tracked down.
Ryan swallowed, looking a little sick. You think they'll find us, huh?
That's a possibility, Jamie said. But if it happens, we'll just
stay on the property. We have plenty of room to run around here, and we can have
the service stock the refrigerator with anything we want. We really don't have
to leave.
Ryan nodded, not very happy with the thought, but resigned to their fate. Okay.
Give him a call, she said glumly.
Jamie urged her to take a seat, then crawled onto her lap, snuggling close for
a moment. It will be fine, Ryan. I promise you that we're safe here. We
can swim, we can play tennis
there's even enough land to run if you want.
We won't feel trapped even if we have to stay on the property.
Ryan nodded, acknowledging that the statement was probably accurate. I'm
just twitchy, she said softly. My startle-response is off the scale.
I know, love. Why don't you go make some phone calls, she said as
she patted her gently. Call your father at work, then call your aunt. I
know they want to hear that we're okay.
All right, she said, her face brightening a little. I'll page
Conor, too, to let him know that we got the car without any problem. Then, I'll
check in with Rory, I know he's worried
Jamie got up and watched her lover go to the phone, seeing her step actually grow
lighter as she went to connect with her family.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Sneaking upstairs, Jamie stuck her head in the office and saw that Ryan was sitting
at the desk, staring at her computer, obviously concentrating fiercely on something.
Creeping back downstairs, she took the portable phone and called Anna, leaving
her number on her machine. She took the phone and went out onto her favorite patio,
the one with the glass wall and the incredible view of the ocean. She wrote in
her journal for a long time, and when the phone rang she had to flex her fingers
for a moment to get the circulation back into them.
Jamie? It's Anna Fleming.
Hi, Anna. Do you have time to talk now?
Yes. Is the way we've set this up all right for you?
Yeah, I think it'll work. If I don't have to, I'd rather not be tied to
a set time to speak with you. I'm sure some days I'll need to speak with you a
couple of times, and I'd really like the flexibility.
I think this will work, if you don't mind having to wait for me to call
you back when I can carve out some time.
I don't mind waiting, Anna. I have a feeling I'm going to be housebound
while we're down here.
Oh, dear, have the reporters found you already?
No, actually they haven't. I just think it's best for Ryan to hide out for
a while. She seems to feel safer if she's certain she's protected.
That's understandable, Anna said. But that doesn't tell me how
you feel about it.
Well, this wouldn't have been my choice, Anna. I wanted to go to Central
America and lie on a beach until this all calmed down. I'm sure we would have
been safe in Belize or Venezuela, and being outside in the warm sunshine was very,
very appealing.
So, how did you wind up in Pebble Beach?
It's what Ryan needed. She couldn't stand to be that far from her family,
Anna. They'll be able to come down and visit on the weekend, and I know that will
help her a lot.
But, Jamie, you have needs, too, and you can't afford to ignore them.
I'm not; really I'm not, Anna. But Ryan's about ready to snap! I've never
seen her like this, and it frightens me half to death. Her needs have to come
first right now.
I can understand that there are times in every relationship where one partner's
needs predominate, but you have to find other ways to tend to yourself, Jamie.
Why don't you tell me why you didn't want to visit Pebble Beach.
Well, it's certainly not a bad place to be captive, but I feel a little
like a bird in a gilded cage it's still a cage. I don't need to hide like
Ryan does right now. What I need is to interact with people that calms
me down. I'd like to spend time with my grandfather, and my mother when she gets
back from Italy. I want to be outside, Anna, and not just here on the grounds.
Then you're going to have to find a way to do that, Jamie. You say you're
confident that you're safe there. Why can't you leave Ryan for a while and go
out on your own?
Oh, I don't think I could do that, she said. She couldn't stand
to be here alone.
How long do you have before school starts, Jamie?
Uhm
two weeks. Why?
Can you tolerate being cooped up there for two weeks?
Oh, God, I don't think I can, she said, her voice filled with worry.
Look, Jamie, I know how much you love Ryan, but driving yourself crazy to
help keep her sane seems like a bad trade-off. I also doubt that she'd like it
if she knew that you wanted to go out but didn't, because of her.
No, she'd hate that. But, Anna, you should see the look in her eyes when
she gets frightened. It breaks my heart!
I understand that, Jamie, but you have needs, too, and you can't afford
to ignore them. You're coping well so far, but that could change quickly if you
begin to feel trapped.
Sighing, she nodded and said, You're right. I'm already struggling with
nightmares, and these dreadful thoughts that keep bombarding me. Feeling like
a prisoner will make it worse.
You don't have to be gone for hours and hours. Keep it short at first, and
slowly increase the time you're gone. That will let both of you adjust.
Okay, Jamie said, sounding very unhappy. I suppose I don't have
much choice at this point.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Late that afternoon, Jamie found her partner diligently working at the computer
up in Catherine's office. Hi. You've been awfully busy this afternoon. Whatcha
been doing?
Mmm, Ryan moaned as she stretched languidly. I answered all
of my mail, e-mailed my cousin, wrote real letters to my aunt and my grandparents,
then started to sketch out my plans for my independent study. She gave her
a sheepish look and added, I'm doing everything possible to avoid working
on my grad school applications.
Jamie sat down close to the desk and said, I don't think there's a person
in the world who likes to fill those out. Is there any way I can help?
Ryan sighed and shrugged her shoulders. No, I don't think so. I actually
finished most of them before the
you know.
Nodding slightly, Jamie picked up one of the unfinished packets and idly leafed
through it. You're nearly done, honey. Why not just finish this one up?
Taking it from her hand, Ryan went to the part of the application she was having
trouble with. I can't fill this in, she said, her frustration
obvious.
Jamie looked to where she was pointing and nodded, That's a pretty important
part, honey. Maybe you should consider if your reticence means something.
Rolling her eyes dramatically, Ryan said, Out with it. Say what's on your
mind.
Reminding herself that Ryan was understandably short-tempered, Jamie ignored her
curtness. If you can't express why you want to go to medical school, maybe
you don't want to go.
Looking as though she was trying to curb her anger, Ryan said, I told you
that in so many words, Jamie. I don't want to go to medical school. I don't
want to be a physician. But if I want to do genetics research that involves clinical
trials, I either have to be a medical doctor, or do my work under the supervision
of a medical doctor. I have no intention of having someone else looking over my
shoulder through my entire career!
Having a feeling that Ryan was overstating the onerous nature of this requirement,
Jamie wisely decided not to voice that thought. Instead, she gentled her voice
and said, Do you want to get your Ph.D.?
Ryan nodded briefly. I do.
Then why not get your Ph.D. first? You could go to med school after you
worked a year or two and got a feeling for how bad it would be to work under the
direction of a physician.
Obviously feeling more than a little intractable, Ryan crossed her arms and shook
her head firmly. No. I know I'd hate having someone supervise me. I've talked
to plenty of researchers, Jamie, and it's a common complaint.
Well, the blonde said, trying to find an acceptable alternative, you
could get your Ph.D. first, and then go to med school, couldn't you? That way
you'd get to have a couple of years doing something you liked.
Again, the dark head shook. I don't want to waste any more time than is
absolutely necessary. Doing a joint M.D./Ph.D. program will save me from having
to take quite a few courses. It's the smarter way to do it.
Furrowing her brow, Jamie asked, I've never heard you say you want to do
work in a setting that would involve clinical trials. I thought you wanted to
do basic genetics research.
That's what I think today, she said. But I might change my mind
later on. I want to have a degree that will let me do anything that interests
me. It will be a hell of a lot easier to get the credentials now than when we
have a bunch of kids.
Jamie stood and looked at her partner, seeing that the woman was not going to
budge from her beliefs no matter how irrational they seemed to Jamie. Okay,
she sighed. Then you'd better think of a way to make your reasons for going
to med school sound a whole lot more earnest and noble. I don't think you'll win
many friends on the admissions committee if you say you want to be a doctor just
so you don't have to work for a doctor.
Surprisingly, Ryan found this funny, and her genuine laugh seemed like music to
Jamie's ears. That's what I've been struggling with. I'm just not in an
ass-kissing mood these days.
You'll get there, Jamie said. You're one of the best ass-kissers
I've ever met.
All depends on the ass, Ryan said. Now tell me about your day.
I haven't seen much of you.
I was on the phone, Jamie said as she lay down on the chaise and stretched
out. I spoke with the head of security, then I called my mom we talked
for a long time. Then I spoke with my father, and I called Leslie at the public
relations firm.
How's your mom? Ryan asked, getting to the call she considered the
most important.
Good, she said thoughtfully. At least, I think she's good. She
seemed a little down, but it's hard to tell if it's because of her own mood, or
if she's just worried about us. I did have to spend quite a while trying to talk
her out of coming home early. She's really upset about all of this.
Any thoughts on why she might be down, other than this stuff?
The blonde head shook gently and Jamie said, No, not really. She said things
are going well. She's seen her
uhm
I don't know what to call him,
she said. Nodding her head once she made her decision. I think I'll call
him by his name. She's spent time with Giacomo, and she's seen her cousins a couple
of times. Stephanie and Trey are due to be released from the drug rehab facility
this week, but she didn't sound very hopeful. She shrugged her shoulders
and added, I guess being around that group could affect your mood.
It would mine, Ryan said. But it's obvious that my mood's all
over the place anyway.
She looked a little sheepish, and Jamie gave her a gentle smile. We're both
tense, honey. You wouldn't be human if your mood wasn't a little volatile.
Ryan gazed at her reflectively for a moment. Why do you think the press
bothers me so much more than it does you?
Hmm
I was thinking about that when I talked to my mom, Jamie
said. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just used to feeling like I'm under a microscope,
but whatever the reason, it really doesn't bother me much, to be honest.
She looked at her partner and added, I'm sure I'd feel differently if I
had to play golf with them hovering over me. I think those incidents in North
Carolina really spooked you.
Maybe, Ryan said. I think you're just tougher than I am.
Jamie laughed, knowing that she was teasing, but she acknowledged the grain of
truth in her partner's statement. There are things I handle better, and
things you handle better. I think it's nice that we balance each other out a little
bit.
We do that, Ryan said. I'd be much more freaked out about this
if you weren't calm. You're really helping me to keep a lid on it. Thanks for
that.
Jamie got up and stood next to Ryan. Absently playing with the fastener for the
strap of Ryan's overalls, she said, I don't think it's a good idea to keep
a lid on it, honey. I spoke with Anna this afternoon, and she gave me a referral
for a doctor down here. I uhm
made you an appointment for this afternoon.
Me? I thought you wanted to see someone to do some crisis counseling. I
assumed we'd talk to someone together.
I don't think that's a good idea, Jamie said. Our experiences
were very different, and I don't think it's a good idea to commingle them.
Looking at Ryan carefully she said, You've been talking and crying in your
sleep at night. It breaks my heart to hear you moaning and whimpering, honey.
You have to talk to someone to get those feelings out. I know that we each experienced
our own version of hell that night and I don't think it's good to visit
each other's.
You do it, too, Ryan said quietly. Last night you started to
moan and then you sat straight up and screamed Caitlin's name. She shivered
and said, I couldn't get back to sleep after that.
We're going to drive each other mad, Jamie said. We both need
help, Ryan, and the sooner we get it, the sooner we'll get back to normal.
I don't want to talk about it, the dark woman said quietly. It's
like re-living it, Jamie, and I don't ever want to do that.
Jamie held her close and whispered into her ear. You're a very, very brave
woman, Ryan, and I know you can do this. She pulled away and kissed her
partner's pink cheeks. This is the only way, honey. You either talk about
it now, or let it torture you at night.
Okay, she sighed. Are you sure this is the only way?
Yes, baby. You need a professional. She kissed the top of her head
and said, I'm going to go into Carmel when you do. I want to do a little
more shopping.
You don't have to drive me, Ryan said.
Uhm
I'm going to take one of Daddy's cars, honey. You go ahead and
take the BMW.
But why
? Does that mean you might not be home when I get back?
Uhm
maybe, she said. I need to get out for a little bit.
No big deal. I want to shop, maybe stop for a cup of cocoa. I need to feel like
I can go about my business.
But, why won't you be home when I am? the dark woman asked, her eyes
wide. How long will that take you?
Jamie wrapped her arms around her and said, I need to be outside for a while,
honey. I promise that I'll be fine and that you'll be fine. I'll bring
something home for dinner, and I swear I'll be home by six, okay?
Okay, Ryan said, her voice sounding as frightened as a small child
after a nightmare.
* * * * * * * * * * *
At 2 o'clock, the tall, dark, recalcitrant woman was shown into the therapist's
offices. Hi, Ryan said, extending her hand. I'm Ryan O'Flaherty.
Amanda Johns, the motherly, slightly rotund woman said. She led Ryan
into the spacious, tastefully decorated office and then stood just inside the
door. I usually sit in the brown recliner, she said. Take your
pick of any of the other seats.
Ryan chose the chair that was the greatest distance from the woman, and sat, stretching
her long legs out in front of her. The doctor took her seat as well, and gazed
at Ryan for a moment. I think I know why you're here, Ryan, she said,
but I'd like to hear what specifically brings you to me.
My girlfriend and a gun to my head, she said, trying to smile, but
failing rather dramatically. She scowled a bit and asked, What would you
like me to call you?
Whatever you like. I'm a medical doctor, so you can call me Doctor Johns,
or even Amanda if that pleases you.
Ryan nodded, then said, I'll decide later. She shifted in her seat,
and briefly wished she'd chosen the more comfortable looking sofa. Uhm
what did you ask?
I asked you to tell me why you decided to come see me. That is, assuming
that your original answer was a joke, she said, her eyes twinkling.
It was
but only partially, Ryan said. I don't want to
be here, and I'm only doing it because my lover thinks I should. I don't want
to upset her any more than she already is, so I came.
You're from San Francisco, right? the doctor asked.
Uh-huh. We're seniors at Cal. I'm on the basketball team, and Jamie's on
the golf team we can't afford to be gone for too long.
Hmm
so, you're just here for a short while?
I assume so. I have every intention of being at school in two weeks when
the next term starts.
Well then, we'd better get busy, hadn't we? Amanda leaned back, and
the footstool rose. You don't mind if I get comfortable, do you?
No.
Are you comfortable, Ryan?
No.
Do you want to change seats?
I guess. She got up and tried the sofa, maneuvering around until she
looked a bit more relaxed. This is better. That other chair's too low for
me.
You're a little taller than my average client, the doctor said, giving
her another small smile.
I do tend to skew a curve, she said.
Amanda gazed at her for another moment, then said, There could be many reasons
for you to be here, Ryan, but I assume you're having some trouble because of the
carjacking. Is that right?
Yeah. The carjacking, killing a guy, being hunted like prey
those
little things, she said with more sarcasm than was polite.
Like most people, I'm aware of what happened to you and your partner,
the doctor said, but I didn't see it on television. So, while I know the
broad overview, I'm very weak on the details. Would you mind telling me what happened?
She sighed and sank further down in her seat. Looking bored, she said, We
were carjacked by two brothers. My little cousin was in the backseat of our car,
and when they took over, they threw both Jamie and me out. Jamie climbed back
into the backseat, and I jumped onto the roof right as they took off. We drove
around for a while, then I got a gun away from one of them and eventually I leaned
over and shot the driver. The bullet wounded both of them, and shortly after that
we drove into the bay. We all made it out of the car, and later, the one with
the more minor wound got an infection and died. She shrugged her shoulders
and said, That's it.
The doctor nodded, and said, I knew that much from the papers, Ryan.
She leaned forward and the footrest snapped shut. She rested her forearms on her
knees, now bringing her fairly close to her client. My guess is that you're
having trouble sleeping; you're irritable and anxious; probably a little paranoid;
most likely forgetful; and
She narrowed her eyes as she thought,
Also probably worried about your own health and/or your partner's.
She sat up taller and said, And, if you're like most people, you probably
feel some level of guilt about something that you did, or didn't do during the
ordeal. Leaning back against her chair again, she asked, How did I
do?
The surprised look on Ryan's face gave testimony to her accuracy. How do
you know that?
I work with a lot of people who've been traumatized, Ryan. Those are very,
very common reactions. You wouldn't be human if you didn't have some of them.
I must be one major human, the tall woman grumbled, 'cause I
have all of 'em.
Then we have our work cut out for us, don't we? Amanda asked, giving
Ryan another smile. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but when you're awake
at 3 a.m. I bet you don't think of the ordeal in the cool, dispassionate tone
that you used when you recounted it to me.
No, I don't, Ryan said.
Okay. Then let's do it again, but this time, I'd really like for you to
start at the beginning and tell me not only what happened, but how you felt as
the events unfolded.
The tall woman sat upright, her body stiff. I don't wanna do that.
Tell me why, the doctor asked softly.
Ryan got to her feet and went to the window, the muscles in her back so tight
that they were visible through her knit shirt. I lived it once. Once was
too many times.
You have panic attacks, don't you, Ryan?
I just had one
bad one, she said.
Are you afraid of having another?
The dark head nodded briefly.
Are you afraid of having one in front of me?
Again, Ryan nodded, not saying a word.
That's understandable, the doctor said. I've been with a lot
of people who have them, Ryan, and they're nothing to be ashamed of. It's just
the way your body reacts to extreme levels of stress. It's really very common.
They scare me, she said quietly.
Of course they do, Amanda said. Why don't you sit down and tell
me how you've been dealing with the stress so far?
Ryan did so, sticking her feet out in front of herself, looking like a sullen
teenager. I went berserk and nearly trashed the women's locker room at the
new gym at Cal; I took some sleeping pills and drank everything I could get my
hands on in my mini bar when we were on a road trip; and of course, I had a panic
attack on national television. They're unconventional strategies, but they've
been effective.
The doctor nodded. I rather doubt that. With a little work, we can get you
past your fears, Ryan, but you've got to be willing to work hard. I know you don't
want to talk about how you feel, but that's the only way to reduce the hold these
fears have over you. I promise you that it's the only way.
I don't want to, she repeated, sounding more intractable by the minute.
How about this? Amanda said. Would it help you to write down
your thoughts, rather than speak them?
The young woman shrugged her shoulders, still looking sullen and withdrawn.
Are you willing to try?
I guess.
Amanda looked at her watch and said, Our time is up, Ryan, but I don't want
you to leave yet. It's really important that you get a little of this out today,
and I'd like you to be here in the office when you do. I have another small room,
where my secretary sits. She's not here today, so you can use her computer. I'd
like you to take the next hour and try to express some of your feelings about
what happened when you were carjacked. Take your time, do it slowly, and if you
start to feel tense, just take a break. Walk around, take some deep breaths; just
don't let yourself be overwhelmed. I'll come and get you in an hour. If you want
to, we can talk some more. But if not, you can go home. Okay?
All right. Ryan got up and followed the doctor into a small, but cheery
office. She looked the computer over and said, I'm a Mac person, but I know
how to use Word. This will be fine.
Patting her on the back, Amanda said, I'll be back in an hour. Remember,
don't try to go outside of your comfort zone. It's important to get this out,
but you don't have to do it all in a day.
Right. See you then. She sat down and adjusted the office chair, then
got to work, her fingers flying over the keys by the time Amanda closed the door.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When the doctor opened the door an hour later, Ryan was bent at the waist, head
lying atop the desk on her crossed arms. She lifted her head when she heard Amanda,
and the doctor nearly gasped at the sight. Her eyes were red and swollen, and
her long bangs clung to her sweat dampened face. Her skin was pale and clammy
looking, and she shook noticeably when she tried to sit up.
Going to her, Amanda placed a hand on her shoulder and stroked her gently. Got
carried away, huh?
You said it was important to get it out, she said. I don't like
to give in to my fears.
Do you want to stay and talk about this, or have you had enough? the
doctor asked.
Uhm
I really get to choose?
Of course you do, Ryan. I want to help you. If you really don't want to
be here, you're wasting your money.
She looked up at her, her expression childlike, and hopeful. Don't you want
to see what I wrote?
Sure. Why don't you print it out, the doctor said. Then delete
it so no one else can read it.
Ryan did so, then handed her the impressive stack of paper. Do you want
to read it, or should I read it to you?
That depends on what you want. I'm happy to read it myself; either with
you here or not. I'd also be happy to have you read it to me.
Extending the papers, Ryan said, I've never been so tired. Would you mind
just reading it?
No, not at all. The doctor took the papers and said, Will you
come back?
Yeah. I have to, she said glumly.
You certainly seem like the type of woman who doesn't mind working hard
once she puts her mind to it, Amanda said. I can see you at
10 and at 2 tomorrow.
Twice? Ryan asked, eyes wide.
At first, I think we should, Amanda said. Just until you're
not feeling so panicky.
Will this last long? Ryan asked tentatively.
It doesn't have to, Amanda said. We'll get through this. We'll
work together, and get through this. Looking at her for a moment, she said,
As you know, I can prescribe medication to help you cope, Ryan. Some of
the selective seratonin re-uptake inhibitors have shown good results in people
prone to panic attacks. Would you like to consider that avenue?
No, Ryan said, her eyes wide. I don't want to depend on drugs
to get me through this.
Medication can be a tool that helps you get over the rough spots, Ryan.
But it won't do the work for you.
I'd really rather not, she said, shaking her dark head. I feel
broken enough as it is. Having to take drugs would make me feel worse.
Okay, Amanda said. But if you change your mind, I'm confident
there is a drug that can help with the panic attacks.
I'll keep that in mind, Ryan said, giving the doctor a look that indicated
a complete lack of receptivity.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When she got home, the street was still free of reporters, and she heaved a sigh
of relief, unable to bear the thought of being harassed further. Sticking her
head in the house, she called out for her partner, then her stomach flipped when
she realized that Jamie wasn't home.
* * * * * * * * * * *
A little before six, Jamie pulled into the garage, and looked up in surprise when
she turned off the car and heard music blaring. Getting out, she realized that
the sound was coming from the second floor gym. She climbed the stairs and found
Ryan vigorously pumping iron, her chest muscles gleaming with sweat as she did
a set of dumbbell curls. Honey, I'm home, she shouted over the pounding
beat.
Ryan looked up and gave her a relieved smile. Trotting over to the stereo, she
turned the volume down. Jamie looked up and noticed that the television was on,
too, her partner obviously trying to fill the room with noise. Hi. I uhm
needed to work off some energy.
Are you all right, baby?
Yeah. I'll come down when I'm finished, okay? I need to do a few more things.
All right, sweetheart. I'll start dinner.
As soon as Jamie left the room, the volume rose again. Ryan was gone for another
half hour, and when she entered the house, she was a sweaty mess. I'll go
shower and come back and help, okay?
Sure, love. I'm just about finished.
Even though Jamie had enjoyed going out, she was a little shaky, as well. After
dinner they sat together in front of a warm fire in the kitchen, sipping on a
nice bottle of deep red cabernet. Ryan had given off clear signals that she wasn't
in the mood for any physical contact, so they maintained a respectful distance
from each other. Are you sure therapy is going to help? Ryan asked,
her voice thin and filled with worry.
Yes, yes, Jamie said. I know it's painful, but we have to suck
it up and do it.
I was afraid you were going to say that, Ryan said, still unable to
stop the lurid video that was rolling in her mind locked on replay.
* * * * * * * * * * *
A terrified scream woke Jamie not twenty minutes after she had fallen asleep.
Her stomach in knots, the groggy blonde enveloped Ryan in a warm embrace and tried
to soothe her through her nightmare, forsaking her own sleep, which she desperately
needed.
A little over an hour later, Jamie returned the favor, waking Ryan with her inarticulate
mumbling which slowly turned into groaning and rapid breathing. Ryan tried to
calm her, and slowly succeeded. But her own rest was ruined, and she eventually
got up and sat on the window seat, watching and listening to the waves crashing
against the shore feeling that the roiling of her own soul could rival
the tumultuous surf.
* * * * * * * * * * *
By the end of her first session the next day, Ryan felt like she'd been beaten
with sticks. Amanda had slowly urged her to open her protective shell and talk
about the things that were interfering with her sleep. Trying to stall for time,
Ryan asked, Can you explain something to me?
Sure, if I can.
Why did we both do so well when we were on vacation? We didn't have one
nightmare, we didn't have this crap breaking into every third thought, and we
really enjoyed being together. Now I can hardly stand to be in the same room with
Jamie! I don't feel like having sex, and that's one of the things that usually
keeps me calm, she said. Even kissing her reminds me of the thing.
She was once again unable to refer to the carjacking by any but the most obscure
reference, and had settled on thing. I hide out in her mom's
office, and work on school work all day and that's just not like me!
Amanda nodded, then said, That's not surprising, Ryan. Right now, seeing
Jamie only reminds you of the 'thing'. Being vulnerable, and open, and sexual
with her is just not something that's going to come easily for a while.
That's why I think coming here is a bad idea! Ryan cried. I
should feel better but I'm feeling worse!
You will feel better
I assure you that you will. Look, Ryan, what
happened to you in the Bahamas is not unexpected. You had a horrific, life-threatening
event occur, and a few days later you were able to leave everything behind. The
weather was different, you didn't have to see any of your family members, no one
brought the incident up you were truly on a vacation. Your emotions were
on vacation, too, Ryan. But you can't stay on vacation forever. At some point,
you have to buckle down and face your real life. You real life is pretty tough
right now, and I realize that your instinct is to run from it. But you can only
run so far and so fast. Your emotions have to be dealt with, and I assure you
that this is the right place to deal with them. I guarantee you that you can make
some progress here, and be able to rely on Jamie once again for your emotional
support.
I miss her, Ryan sighed, a few tears escaping. It reminds me
of how close I came to losing her
She dropped her head in her hands
and started to cry again, letting out some of the feelings that had been choking
her.
* * * * * * * * * * *
During her three-hour break, Ryan did nothing more than walk aimlessly down the
streets of Carmel, finally finding herself by the ocean. She sat down and let
the cold breeze and colder sea-spray hit her body, feeling more alive and more
connected to the earth when she was being buffeted by nature. When it was time
to go, she stood and forced herself back to Amanda's office, hoping that the woman
had, during the break, decided to quit practicing psychiatry completely.
* * * * * * * * * * *
As soon as Ryan left the house that morning, Jamie got into the Acura NSX and
drove into Carmel. She really didn't have anything on her agenda, but she desperately
needed to be around other people. Choosing a crowded diner, she sat at the counter,
reading the paper while absently listening to the people around her converse.
Hi, said an elderly woman. What can I get for ya?
Jamie looked up and said, I'd like a bagel and some orange juice.
The woman stared at her for a moment, then said, You're
that girl
from TV.
That's me, she said. She shook her head and let out a mirthless laugh.
It's hard to think of myself as a celebrity, even though I guess I am. I
feel much more like a frightened crime victim.
The woman's motherly instincts immediately emerged, and she said, Well,
of course you do, you poor little thing. Did you come down here for a little vacation?
Not really. My parents have a place down here, and we came to avoid being
hounded. I hope it doesn't start up here, too.
You're safe here, sweetie. It's Jamie
isn't it?
Uh-huh, she said. What's your name?
I'm Helen, she said. You'll be safe here, Jamie. I'll see to
that.
Giving her a warm smile, Jamie asked, And just how will you accomplish that,
Helen?
This is my place, she said proudly, and I'll fire anyone who
rats you out. I don't put up with any nonsense around here.
I guess I should just stay in the house, but I've been feeling like a prisoner,
she said. I really have to get out a little.
I promise you that you won't be bothered here, the woman said. And
forget the bagel. You need to put on a little weight, Jamie. How about some of
the best blueberry pancakes you've ever had?
Who can say no to blueberry pancakes? she asked, giving the woman
a warm smile. Bring 'em on, Helen.
* * * * * * * * * * *
After enjoying both the food and a long chat with Helen, Jamie was just about
at her car when her cell rang. Hello?
Hi, Jamie. It's Jack.
Oh, hi. Sorry I didn't return your call, but I've just been overwhelmed.
I hope you understand.
Sure I do, he said. And if you don't want to talk now, we don't
have to. I'm just worried about you, and I wanted to hear your voice.
We're okay, she said. Neither of us was hurt badly. We just
have to get a little peace and quiet so we can heal emotionally.
I can't imagine that Ryan isn't pretty banged up. What she did was
wow.
Yeah, she's a wow kinda woman.
Uhm
can I ask you a question? And I'd really like you to be honest
with me.
Sure. I'll try.
I ahh
kinda want to stay in touch with you. Not to be best friends
or anything, but just to
you know.
No, I don't think I do know, she said.
I don't want it to be over. I know you don't love me anymore, and I'm really
happy with Natalie, but I want to have at least some connection to you.
She paused and thought about it for a long time. Finally, she made up her mind.
You know, I really wish I were the kind of person who could be friends with
my ex, but I'm not. I love you, Jack, but our relationship is over. I'm sorry,
but it doesn't work for me to maintain contact.
He was quiet for a moment, then asked, Is it Ryan? Does it bother her?
Jamie barked out a wry laugh. She wouldn't complain if I had you move in
with us. No, Jack, she's not like that. She thinks it's great to maintain relationships
with former lovers. This is my decision. I care about you, and I very much want
you to have a fulfilling life. I'd just rather hear about it from people who know
us both.
Okay, he said quietly. I'm just having a hard time letting go.
Uhm
how would Natalie feel if she knew that?
I
I have no idea
Oh, please. Think about it for a minute, Jack. Natalie would be somewhere
between very uncomfortable and livid about us staying in touch. You'd know that
if you'd let yourself admit it.
Yeah
yeah
you're right. He sighed deeply and said, I
just have trouble closing the door.
I know that about you, Jack. Uhm
speaking of letting go, why did
you let go of your plans to clerk for a federal judge this year? I'm surprised
you're even in town.
Well, Natalie got a job here in town, and we just decided that it wasn't
good for our relationship to be that far away from each other.
You know
it sounds like you two have some good instincts. I urge
you to follow them. Concentrate on her like I concentrate on Ryan, and you'll
have a happy marriage. What you and I had will always be special, Jack, but it's
over now.
All right. There was an uncomfortable silence, then he said, Take
care of yourself, Jamie. I'll
I'll always love you.
Thank you, Jack, she said quietly. Have a very nice life.
She hung up and sat in the NSX for a long time, feeling the sadness that came
over her every time they spoke. If I really worked at it, I could get over
my discomfort and be able to talk to him without feeling down. But that's not
where I want to put my energies. My life is messy enough without asking for complications.
It's time to let go, Jack. I have.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Part 7
When she returned home, Ryan kissed Jamie's cheek and went upstairs without a
word. The dark woman looked so wrung-out that Jamie assumed she'd head straight
to bed. An hour later, the blonde went up to check on her, and was surprised to
find their bed empty. Making her way into the office, she found Ryan sitting at
the desk with her chin on her stacked fists, looking glum.
What's up? Jamie asked quietly, so as not to startle her.
If I don't get this piece of shit in the mail by tomorrow morning, I'll
miss the fucking deadline.
Knowing just which piece of shit she was referring to, Jamie perched on the edge
of the desk and started to run her fingers through Ryan's hair. Immediately, Ryan
sat up, withdrawing her head from Jamie's grasp. The blonde knew the action was
intentional, and she tried to keep herself from feeling hurt by the rejection.
I have another suggestion, she said quietly.
Ryan sighed, but stopped herself from biting off a smart retort. Yes?
I think you should take every one of those applications and throw them in
the trash.
Giving her a wry look, Ryan said, I've done that three times. Have anything
new?
I think you should throw them in the trash and leave them there. I don't
think you're in any state to make up your mind about this, Ryan. With all of the
stress we've been through this year, I think we should put all of our energies
into graduating. Once we're finished with school, I think we should take an extended
vacation. We could go see your grandparents, I could take you to Italy
Heck, we could stay in Australia for a few weeks after the Olympics and go snorkeling
off the Great Barrier Reef. Doesn't that sound divine? she asked softly,
seeing that Ryan's eyes were beginning to lose their sharp focus. The dark head
nodded slowly, and Jamie knew she had set the hook. We could spend a whole
year just getting our strength back. We wouldn't have to do anything but rest,
relax, eat well, and try to keep as much stress out of our lives as possible.
What do you say?
Ryan gazed up at her with a look of stark longing mixed with regret. I can't
do it, she sighed. Doing this joint program and finishing my residency
will take me more than 10 years. I'll be in my mid to late thirties by then. I
can't afford to wait yet another year to start our family.
Seeing that despite her words she still looked receptive, Jamie put a hand on
each of Ryan's shoulders and looked at her with an intent gaze. It doesn't
make sense to make decisions today based on what you think you want in ten years.
We have many, many options, Ryan. I could have the first child, we might decide
to adopt our first, we might find that one of us is infertile and can't have children
There are so many things that can happen, honey. Don't let this arbitrary
time-line prevent you from making a choice now.
With a look that appeared more confused than Jamie had ever seen, Ryan lay her
head on the blonde's thigh. I don't know what to do, she murmured.
I feel like I have to keep going, like it's wrong to waste a year.
How can you possibly say that spending a year on you on us
is a waste? You tell me that there isn't anything more important than our relationship,
Jamie said. Well, your words don't match your actions, Ryan. Forcing yourself
to enter medical school this fall will hurt us as a couple.
This summer, Ryan mumbled.
What?
School starts on July the first at both Stanford and U.C.S.F.
So you'd only have what
four weeks off after graduation? With one
of those dedicated to the AIDS Ride?
About that, Ryan said.
What about the Olympics? Jamie asked. Were you just going to
skip them?
I uhm
I thought I could go for a long weekend, she admitted
quietly. Just so I got to see Jordan play.
Uh-huh. Jamie patted Ryan's head and said, You do what you have
to do, honey. I promise I won't hold this over your head if you decide to go to
medical school. But I don't want there to be a doubt in your mind about how I
feel about this. She paused for a moment, waiting until Ryan's eyes met
hers. I don't want you to go to school next year. I want you to take care
of yourself, and pamper yourself, and love yourself as much as I love you.
Slowly lifting her head, Ryan gazed at her partner for a few moments, then nodded
briefly. I understand, she said. Standing, she stretched and said,
I'm gonna go for a long walk. Don't worry about me, okay? I might be gone
for a while.
Bundle up, Jamie directed. And make sure you take your cell
phone.
Ryan nodded again, and left the room. Jamie sat down and started to look through
the applications, smiling to herself when she read the list of accomplishments
that her partner had included. I had no idea that she was a member of the National
Biology Honor Society ... or the one for math
Yikes! She went to one of
those science and math camps when she was a kid! I'm married to a complete nerd!
Feeling intimidated by Ryan's academic prowess, she quickly closed the applications
and went downstairs to start dinner, thinking wryly, No matter what, I'll always
be the better cook.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Two hours later, Ryan walked in through the back door. Her cheeks were bright
pink from the cold wind, the drizzle had plastered her hair to her head, and her
nose was running. She barely nodded at Jamie, who was sitting before a cozy fire
in the kitchen, reading a novel. Five minutes later, she returned, dressed in
her warm fleece outfit, her hair combed straight back. She sat down next to Jamie
and, one by one, tossed page after page of her applications into the fire. Neither
woman said a word. They sat quietly and watched the orange/gold flames licking
at the paper until just a few pieces of charred black material remained.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Amanda urged Ryan to start to do some of the things that normally gave her pleasure,
so on Thursday morning, she woke early, drenched in sweat from a lurid nightmare
as usual, and decided she might as well get up and go for a run.
Her mood grew a little brighter when she got into her running clothes and did
a few stretches. Just acting like things were normal felt better than she had
imagined, and she found herself whistling as she ran down the drive. The good
mood was short-lived however, for when she got to the gate, she saw the flashing
lights of three police cars. Turning immediately, she ran back into the house,
turned both locks, and hugged the door desperately. She stayed right there, resting
her cheek against the cool wood, until her heart slowed to a more normal pace.
Finally, she trudged up the stairs to one of the guest rooms, kicked off her shoes,
and crawled between the cool sheets, determined to stay in bed until she had to
leave for therapy. Suddenly she shot up, panicked. I can't leave for therapy!
I can't go out there! Her heart began to race again, and she lay in bed repeating
the mantra that Amanda had given her. This will pass. The reporters can't hurt
me. They only want to take my picture.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan would not brave the reporters camped outside, even when Jamie offered to
drive her to therapy. So she spoke to Amanda on the phone, actually preferring
the experience to an in-person visit. She sat in Catherine's office, staring at
the sea, her attention not diverted by having to physically interact with another
person. By the end of the session, Amanda was convinced that Ryan was the type
of person who could benefit from phone sessions, so they agreed that the terrified
woman would stay at home for the remainder of their time together.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie called Maeve later that morning, just to give her an update. Ryan's
not doing well, Maeve. I know she said she wanted to have a big party this weekend,
but I really don't think that's wise.
Is she still having the nightmares? Maeve asked.
Yes. Therapy's really hard for her, Jamie said. She just feels
so much do you know what I mean?
I do, Maeve said. She's always taken the weight of the world
on her small shoulders.
That's about it, Jamie said. I think she'd do better this weekend
if just you and Martin came down. Is that okay?
Of course it is, sweetheart. As much as she loves the rest of the family,
there is a part of her that thinks she has to put up a strong front for the others.
That's it exactly, Jamie said. She can be herself with her da
and you, Maeve, and she needs to just be herself for a while. If there's anything
you can think of to help her feel more like herself, please bring it!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie found her partner sitting in Catherine's office, curled up on the chaise
lounge, watching the surf pound against the rocks. Ryan?
Her head turned and she noticed that Jamie was wearing a turtleneck, a heavy wool
sweater and a pair of pleated slacks. Are you going somewhere? she
asked, her eyes wide.
Yes, Jamie said, wincing when she saw the terrified look on Ryan's
face. I'm going to go over to the club and work at the practice range for
a while. I have to spend some time on my game, Ryan. I owe it to my team.
You could hit balls here. I'll go fetch them for you!
Oh, honey, I know you don't want me to go out, but I have to. I need to
be around people.
Running her hands through her hair, Ryan nodded. Fine. Go ahead. I'll be
all right. She started to turn away, then leapt to her feet, her face turning
ghostly pale. They're out there! You can't go out!
Yes, I can, Jamie said. I don't care if they follow me, Ryan.
If they get their kicks out of taking pictures of me hitting a golf ball, more
power to 'em.
But what if they run you off the road! Look what they did to Princess Diana!
Sweetie, this is hardly the same situation. Now, you're just letting your
imagination get the best of you. I'll be fine.
Will you call me? Ryan asked, her whole body shaking.
I'll do better than that. I'll take the NSX. There's a built-in hands-free
phone in it. I'll call you as soon as I leave the driveway and chat with you while
I drive. How's that?
All right, she said quietly. Shaking her head, she wrapped Jamie in
a hug, and the smaller woman could feel the sweat dribbling down her back. I'm
sorry I'm so needy, she whispered.
You're not needy, Jamie said. You're justifiably terrified.
Now stop denigrating yourself, okay?
Okay. She got up and went to their room to change. I'm gonna
work out while you're gone.
Again? You nearly killed yourself yesterday, honey. Why not go for a nice
swim?
No. I feel safer in the gym. Working out clears my mind.
All right, love. You know what works best. I'll call you as soon as I pull
out, okay?
See you soon, baby. Please, please, be safe.
I will. I promise you that I will.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie worked for an hour, feeling her muscles react to the strain after more than
a week of inactivity. She wasn't ready to go home yet, mainly since she hadn't
spoken to anyone at the course. Feeling conversation deprived, she decided to
head over to the diner again, smiling when Helen greeted her warmly. Hey,
Jamie, how goes it?
Not great, she said, sitting at the counter. I went to play
golf and got followed by nearly a dozen reporters. They took my picture so many
times I felt like Cindy Crawford.
Oh, you're cuter than she is, Helen said. As she spoke, an intrepid
member of the press entered and snapped a flash photo of Jamie. Out!
Helen yelled, physically pushing him out the door.
You can't do that! he yelled. This is a public place!
Not any more it's not, she growled, slapping the lock in place.
She lowered the blinds that covered the windows and said to the remaining patrons,
Let me know when y'all want to leave.
Helen! You can't just shut down because of me!
Sure I can. Hell, it's nearly time to close anyway. I told you that you'd
be safe here, kiddo, and I meant it. Now what'll it be? How about a nice, thick,
chocolate malt?
You read my mind, Jamie said, enormously pleased that she had made
a friend.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie was lying in bed that night when Ryan came out of the bathroom. She was
dressed in a pair of the flannel pajamas that Jamie had bought her, wearing both
the top and the bottoms a rare occurrence for the normally warm-blooded
woman. She sat on the edge of the bed, looking surprisingly uncomfortable. Jamie,
she said softly, her eyes darting all about the room. This isn't going well.
We're keeping each other up half the night, and I know that part of my irritability
is because I'm so damned tired.
Honey, Jamie said, reaching out to touch Ryan's cold hands, since
you're under a doctor's care now, it's all right if you want to ask her for something
to make you sleep.
Ryan shook her head. I don't want to take drugs. Amanda and I have been
through this discussion already, and I'm very, very uncomfortable with the idea.
I've got to get through this on my own.
How can I help? Jamie asked. You know I'll do anything.
I do. Ryan gave her a sad smile and patted her shoulder. I think
it would be best if we
slept apart for a little while. My nightmares are
keeping you up, and yours scare the crap out of me. It's
it's
too
hard.
Jamie was using every bit of her willpower to keep from letting her dismay show.
If this was truly what Ryan needed, she wanted to avoid making her feel bad for
asking for it. Uhm
do you really think that will help? I uhm
thought that sleeping with me helped calm you down. Her voice was a little
shaky, but her face was as composed as she could make it.
Chafing the smaller hands in her own, Ryan said, It does, sweetheart. Normally,
it does. It's just that right now
for just a little while
I need
all of the rest that I can get, and I think you do, too.
Of course I do, honey. I'd love to sleep the whole night through. But
Ryan stood, her hand brushing the bangs from Jamie's forehead. Let's give
it a try and see how it goes, okay? She bent and kissed the top of her partner's
head. Sleep tight, Jamie. I'll see you in the morning. She walked
across the room and paused at the door. I love you.
I love you, too, Ryan, the smaller woman said, trying to keep the
tears from her eyes.
As Ryan walked out the door, Jamie curled up in a ball and let the tears come.
She cried for a very long time, letting all of the sadness and loss flow over
her. Nearly an hour passed, and she realized that she wasn't going to sleep for
a long while, if at all. The night was clear, so she put on her robe and sat on
the window seat to gaze at the ocean, feeling like she'd lost a part of herself.
Suddenly, an idea dawned on her, and she got up and took her cell phone off the
dresser. Choosing a number from the memory and hitting the button, she paused
a moment, then smiled warmly and said, Mom? Damn, it's good to hear your
voice.
* * * * * * * * * * *
A half hour later, Jamie slipped into the guest room, only to hear Ryan's quiet,
but wide-awake voice ask, What's wrong?
The smaller woman took off her robe and placed it over a chair, then climbed into
bed. We don't have to cuddle. We don't even have to touch. But we do have
to sleep together, Ryan. Yes, our sleep is important but it's not more
important than our relationship. Part of what keeps us connected is sleeping together.
You're the only person I love or trust enough to share this with, Ryan. I can't
let go of that. It means too much to me, and I think it means as much to you.
Ryan was quiet for a long time, then said, Okay. You're probably right.
We'll get through our nightmares together.
That's how we'll get through everything that life throws at us, Ryan. Together.
* * * * * * * * * * *
On Friday morning, Jamie got out of bed when Ryan did, even though neither of
them slept well at all. Ryan's schedule was to call Amanda at 7 a.m. and again
at 6 p.m., so she tried to get up by 6:30, so she was coherent. You don't
have to get up, she said. No sense in both of us walking around like
zombies.
Clearing her throat, Jamie rubbed her eyes and said, I made a tee time for
7:30. I've got to get up and warm up a little first.
Ryan stood as still as a statue and stared at her partner. You're gonna
play a whole round?
Yes. Jamie looked up at her and said, I have to, Ryan. I need
the practice, and I need to feel like the reporters don't control me. She
stood and wrapped her arms around her partner, but Ryan's body was stiff, and
she didn't return the hug. Pulling back, Jamie looked at her and said, I
know this is hard for you, and I swear I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to. But
I have to.
I understand, Ryan said briskly. I'll go make some coffee. Go
ahead and take your shower.
Watching her leave, Jamie closed her eyes. I'd give anything to be able to
stay here and take care of you, but I have to take care of myself, too.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan stood at the back door, sending Jamie off with a quick wave. The blonde once
again felt herself overcome with admiration for her stoic partner. She knew that
Ryan was terrified to be alone, and even more terrified to have her out in the
world, but she stood erect, head held high, neither her posture nor her expression
revealing the tiniest hint of her distress.
As expected, most of the reporters leapt into their cars when Jamie pulled out
in the NSX, and in seconds they were in a queue, headed for the golf course.
She parked, and ignored the shutters as they snapped, ignoring as well the inane
questions that were hurled at her. When she reached the pro shop she smiled at
the starter and said, I've got a 7:30 tee time. I'm sure that no one will
want to play with me once he or she learns that we'll be followed by reporters
and photographers.
Don't worry about that, Jamie, the man said. Your playing partner's
waiting for you on the driving range.
She gave him a curious smile, but on her way down to the range the identity of
her partner dawned on her. Her suspicions proved correct when she saw her old
pal Chip sitting in a golf cart, giving her a tiny wave.
He hopped out and gave her a robust hug, not pulling back when she said, We're
gonna be in the papers tonight.
Oh, like that would be such a bad thing for me, he said, releasing
her. Having the prettiest girl in Monterey give me a hug can only enhance
my reputation.
She gave him an odd look, and he immediately apologized. Oh, damn, I hope
those pictures won't cause you any trouble, Jamie. Shit! You probably have
a new boyfriend by now, and he might not like to see that on the evening news.
No, no, I don't have a boyfriend, she said quickly. Suddenly, she
felt decidedly uncomfortable. She had come out to dozens of people over the past
months, but had told very few people who knew her before Ryan. With a start, she
realized that she didn't like the feeling very much, and felt her discomfort grow.
Aw, come on, he said. Surely the guys in Berkeley haven't failed
to notice you.
I've been noticed, she said, trying to figure out a way to let the
matter drop.
He looked at her for a moment, then said, I don't mean to butt into your
business, Jamie, but maybe you hang out with Ryan too much. Guys don't know what
to make of it when they see a woman who's always hanging around with another girl.
She's a pretty intimidating woman, and after I saw what she did to those assholes,
it's obviously not just an act. She's fierce!
Immediately, her qualms disappeared and she looked him in the eye and said, She's
also mine.
P
pardon?
She's mine. I'm hers. We're lovers
spouses
life mates. Call
it what you will, Chip, but she's my woman. And yes, she's as fierce as a mountain
lion.
But
Jamie!
Yes? she asked, leaning forward and cocking her head.
I had no idea you were
Well, I am. And luckily, so is she. We're very happy together, Chip, so
thanks for the advice, but I'm gonna keep her very close to me.
He stared at her for a moment, then shook his head to clear it. Giving her a perturbed
look, he said, You know, you set me up.
What?
I asked you if you had a new boyfriend, and you acted like you were totally
unattached. I wouldn't have sounded like such an oaf if you'd been straight up
with me.
She was poised to snap off a quick retort, but bit her tongue, considering her
answer. You're right. You caught me by surprise. Chuckling softly,
she said, I'm certainly not ashamed of loving Ryan, but I haven't come out
to many people who knew me before. I guess I just need some practice.
That's okay, he said, his smile returning. Damn, you're a nice
girl! Most women would bust my chops, even if they were totally in the wrong.
Are you really sure you're a lesbian?
All signs point to it, she said, laughing softly. I took to
it like a duck to water. Giving him a wry smirk, she asked, The mere
fact that you didn't know about me and Ryan caught me by surprise, you know. Don't
you read the papers? Little tidbits about our relationship have been in the tabloids
for almost a week.
He gave her a sheepish grin and said, I eat every meal here or at a restaurant.
All I have in my refrigerator is a couple of bottles of wine and some condiments
that I bought when I first moved in. I don't think I've been to a grocery store
in a year. Giving her a puzzled look, he asked, Isn't that where you
see the tabloids?
Yeah, but it's been in the newspaper, too.
Shrugging his shoulders helplessly, he asked, In the sports page?
She rolled her eyes, saying, I wish more people were as disconnected from
the media as you are, Chip. Our lives would be a heck of a lot easier.
Looking uncertain for a moment, he thrust his hands into his pockets. Are
you happy, Jamie?
I am. Not so much lately, but that certainly isn't Ryan's fault. It's been
a tough month.
I almost fainted when I saw you guys on the news that night, he said,
shaking his head. I was watching the Warriors play, and they broke in to
cover the car chase, he added, cementing his credentials as a news-avoidant.
Are you doing all right?
Yes, mostly. It's just hard to get back to normal when we're constantly
harassed.
He looked up and saw the photographers, none of them currently snapping, but all
waiting with bated breath. I forgot they were here, he said.
It's harder to forget when they're outside of your house, with a couple
of big generators and a few helicopters whirring overhead.
I really feel for you, Jamie. I don't know how you two made it, but I'm
really glad that you did.
Me, too, Chip. Me too.
Well, are we gonna play, or just have our pictures taken?
You don't mind?
No, I'd love to play with you, Jamie. I really like you, even when I'm not
hitting on you.
Funny boy, she said. Okay. Let's see how you do when shutters
are snapping on your backswing.
Oh, no, he said. First time that happens, I'll call the marshal
to run 'em. I'm all for freedom of the press, but I've got a reputation to maintain!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie got home just before noon and found Ryan still in the gym. Don't tell
me you were working out this entire time!
Okay, Ryan said, wiping her face with a towel. I won't tell
you.
Ryan, I've been gone for 5 hours!
I didn't work out the entire time. I spoke with Amanda for an hour, then
I had a little breakfast. No big deal.
Honey, it is a big deal. You can't work out for 3 or 4 hours at a time.
Jamie, she said, giving her a very serious look, you do what
you have to do to maintain your sanity. I do what I have to. Now, how about some
lunch?
I had lunch, she said, looking guilty. I'm sorry, honey, but
you're usually up in the office, so I didn't think you'd mind
I don't. I would have liked a phone call, but I certainly don't mind.
She wiped her face again, the sweat still running into her eyes. Look, I'm
just irritable. I'm really worried about Da and Aunt Maeve coming down today.
Uhm
honey, this might make you more irritable, but I played golf
with Chip today.
Ryan stiffened, then cocked her head. Chip? Was this something you planned?
No, of course not!
Then why would I be irritated? she asked, her blue eyes boring into
Jamie.
Uhm
because there's probably gonna be a picture of me hugging him.
Well, technically it's him hugging me, but nonetheless
She shrugged her shoulders, her skin glowing in the warm halogen light. You're
friends. No big deal. Turning for the door, she said, I'm gonna get
some lunch. Want anything?
No, no thanks, she said, watching the taciturn woman dash down the
stairs without another word.
I think I screwed up, she thought worriedly. I know I didn't handle
that properly, but I don't want to bring it up again if it really didn't bother
her. Damn it, we sure as hell don't need another problem cropping up right
now.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan paced around the house all afternoon, peppering Jamie with so many questions
that the smaller woman was about to go mad. Trying her best to maintain her patience,
she assured her for the umpteenth time, They won't have any trouble getting
into the gate, honey. The security camera will activate as soon as they drive
up. All we have to do is press a button and the gate will open.
But
but
what if someone comes in with them? Ryan's eyes
were wild with worry, and Jamie wondered if she should call Amanda and beg for
a prescription for tranquilizers for her partner.
Ryan, that's not going to happen. I called the guard station, and they're
going to escort them to the gate. The security force has been very competent so
far, haven't they?
Yes, she said, nodding slightly, but this is different. This
is more complex than anything we've asked them to do.
I'll call down there again, honey. I'll talk to the security chief, and
ask to talk to the guard station. I promise this will not be a problem.
Ryan nodded and went to take up her position againpacing across the crushed
gravel that covered the parking area.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The security guard called a little after seven to say that Martin and Maeve were
in the compound. Jamie turned to tell her partner they had arrived, and was dismayed
to see Ryan sitting in a chair, her head between her knees as she struggled for
breath.
Kneeling down beside her, Jamie wrapped an arm around her, feeling the sweat that
had already managed to soak her turtleneck. Ryan's body was coiled with tension,
and her breathing was horribly labored. Not having any idea how to help calm her,
Jamie just held on tight and tried to soothe her, silently cursing the fact that
the house was several miles down the road from the guard station. Finally, the
alarm sounded, and she got up to press the entry button. She watched carefully,
and saw that the security vehicle was right behind Maeve's car; and after the
little import cleared the gate, it closed quickly. The guard waited a moment,
then pulled away. They're here, honey, Jamie said, hoping her lover
could hear her. The guard waited until they were inside. No one got in with
them. Getting no response, she approached her again and said, You
just sit here until you feel better. I'll keep them outside for a few minutes
until you feel like coming out, okay?'
Okay, Ryan managed to gasp, sweat running down her strained face.
I love you, Jamie whispered fiercely before running outside to greet
their guests.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie walked the couple around the property, showing them some of the winter blooming
flowers that dressed up the area around the drive. The older couple knew something
was awry, but Jamie didn't want to worry them, so she just stalled for time. Finally,
Ryan emerged, a clean shirt on and her face freshly washed. She was still very
flushed and looked completely wrung-out, but she put up a good front, amazing
her partner with her resilience.
Hi there, she said, giving both her father and aunt a warm hug. Did
you have a nice drive?
Just fine, love, Martin said. No problems at all.
Shooting nervous looks all around the property, Ryan said, It's awfully
chilly. Let's go inside.
Conor called not long after they arrived, and Ryan spent a few minutes on the
phone with her brother. She doesn't look well, Martin whispered, with
Maeve adding an anxious nod.
She's not well, Jamie said. She really needs some love this
weekend. If she can tolerate it, will you both give her as much physical affection
as you can spare?
Martin gave her a perplexed look not used to having an opportunity to get
past Jamie to hug his child very often but he quickly nodded.
When Ryan came back into the kitchen, he draped an arm around her shoulders, and
she leaned into him like he was the key to life. Father and daughter were no farther
than a foot from each other the entire night, and by the time they went to bed,
Ryan seemed more relaxed than she had been since they had arrived in Pebble Beach.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The next morning, Martin called Ryan out to the car. I've got a few things
for you, sweetheart, but I didn't know where you'd want them.
What did you bring? she asked, once again anxiously looking around
the property.
He opened the trunk to reveal her seldom played drum set. I know you haven't
really gotten the chance to even break it in yet, he said. I thought
your little vacation was just the time to do it.
She smiled at him and offered a hug. Let's take it up to the gym. I tend
to sing along when I play, and I don't want to disturb Jamie. They lugged
the set up the stairs, then spent a few minutes quietly assembling it. Thanks,
Da. This will come in handy.
They walked back downstairs and he pulled out a box. Inside, were a few tall candles;
a large, thick, floor pillow; a well-read copy of the Bible, another of the psalms,
and a few heavy tomes from St. Ignatius and St. Augustine. You brought my
prayer space!
I thought you might need it. I know you don't use it much anymore, but this
seems like a good time to get back into the habit of setting some time aside every
day for reflection.
She tossed her arms around him and hugged him tightly. Thank you, Da. This
is just what I needed.
He looked at her curiously and asked, Tell me what's going on in that pretty
head, Siobhán. I can see how very troubled you are.
Once again, she looked around the property, admitting, I keep thinking they're
taking my picture.
Let's go to the pool house and talk. It's nice in there.
They walked the short distance in silence, Ryan's posture tense and wary. They
sat down and Ryan said nothing for a few minutes, then she sighed deeply and began,
I don't really have a lot to say, Da. I'm seeing well, speaking
to a psychiatrist twice a day. She's helping me, but I've got a lot to deal with.
Does it help to talk about it, honey?
Not really. I mean, I talk to Amanda, and that's really enough. When I'm
not talking to her, I'd just like to take it easy and try to forget about it.
But that's so hard to do, knowing that the vultures are right outside the gate.
I know it's rough, he sympathized. But they'll leave you alone
at some point. They have to!
Logically, that's true, but I don't see much logic in this whole mess. I
feel like they'll never leave us alone.
Now, don't think like that, darlin'. This will end soon, and you and Jamie
can go right on living your lives the way you want to.
I sure hope that's true, Da. But I've seen no sign of it. She sighed
and looked at him with a grim expression on her face. I don't feel like
I'm in hell, but I can just about see the flames from where I sit.
* * * * * * * * * * *
That afternoon, they all sat in the game room, watching the NFL playoffs. Ryan
was lying on the long, leather sofa, her head in Maeve's lap, trying to remain
awake while her aunt ran her fingers through the long, black hair.
Martin caught a look of abject sorrow on Jamie's face as she watched the tender
moment, and after a while he asked her to go into the kitchen with him to prepare
some snacks. Not mentioning what he had seen, he wrapped her in a hug, not letting
go until he heard her start to cry softly. You need some hugs too, darlin',
he whispered.
I know, she said, her voice shaky. She's just
we're not
we just aren't able to comfort each other, Martin.
I understand, sweetheart. He held her again, trying to give her all
of the comfort he could. When Siobhán's mother died, she wasn't able
to accept my affection for several months. Moira stayed with us for a few weeks,
and when she left, Maeve came over every night to rock Siobhán to sleep.
His voice filled with emotion as he said, It was so hard on me, Jamie. I
needed to comfort my child, and to get some solace from holding her but
she had grown to trust her mother's sisters and rely on them. I think she felt
betrayed that I had to leave her for two or three days a week, and she just closed
herself off to me. He shook his head and said, That was a wound that
took a long time to heal.
I can't imagine, she sighed. God, I hope it doesn't take months
for us to be close again. I don't know how I could bear it.
It won't, he said. You'll work through this, Jamie, and then
you'll be there for each other again. I promise you that.
I hope you're right, Martin. I truly hope you're right. I need her so badly.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Mia sat by the pool at their hotel, relaxing while she waited for her lover. The
team had won their game the night before, and now was scheduled to face Canada
that evening in the championship match. Jordan had played a lot of minutes in
the previous evening's game, mainly because of a minor injury to one of the starters.
The team had practiced in the morning, as usual, and Jordan was apparently due
back at any time, given that some of the other players had started to wander down
to the pool. Mia had met all of Jordan's friends, but so far that only encompassed
three of the other women. Jordan had said that the more experienced players seemed
pretty cliquish and standoffish, but it didn't seem to bother her much.
As Mia considered her lover, she realized that the lanky blonde was really quite
a loner. She didn't have many close friends, seemingly preferring to have a lot
of casual acquaintances. Mia recalled walking around campus with her just before
finals. Jordan said hello constantly, giving everyone a warm smile, but when they'd
go to her apartment, there was never a message on her machine, and she never called
anyone from Mia's either. She didn't own a cell phone or a pager, and never suggested
doing anything with any of her friends.
I suppose that's part of her focus, she reasoned. She seems to be so
single-minded that she's obviously not spent her time cultivating and maintaining
friendships. I think Ryan and I are the only people she's close to.
As she was considering this, two women that she had not been introduced to sat
on chaises close to hers. She recognized one as the starting outside hitter, the
one who was too injured to play the night before. Think you'll be able to
play tonight, Jill? the other woman asked.
Mmm
not sure. The trainer's gonna look at my wrist later on. It's
a pretty mild sprain, but there's no sense in rushing it.
Especially given how Jordan played in your place, the other woman
said. She might take your spot!
Jill gave her friend a long look, her mouth curling up into a sly grin. She
can take a spot, all right. She can take the spot next to me in my bed. Given
that she's moving in with me when we get back, that won't be a long trip,
she added, winking at her friend.
Mia nearly cried out at this wish, and she tried to still her heart from beating
loud enough for the other women to hear.
She is gorgeous, the other woman said, but I heard she had a
girlfriend.
Uh-huh, so I've heard, Jill said dryly. You've been with the
team for what
three years now? You and Mark are the only couple who've
been able to keep a relationship going, Toni. What makes you think she'll be any
different? Sooner or later she'll be single
and old Jill will be there
to comfort her.
Toni sighed and laid back on her chaise. This sport does make staying committed
hard. If Mark wasn't able to travel with us a lot, I don't know that we'd still
be married.
You were smart to marry a writer, Jill said. Given that Jordan's
girlfriend never showed up in Colorado Springs, I'm assuming she has something
to keep her in San Francisco
if that's where she lives.
You wouldn't try to break them up, would you? Toni asked hesitantly.
No, I don't do that, Jill said. Of course, I've never had to,
she said. Every woman I've had a crush on has eventually been single. Not
all of them accepted my offer, but I had a chance with every one I've ever wanted.
I can't see why Jordan will be different.
Has she shown any interest? Does she flirt with you or anything?
Mia felt her heart clench in her throat as the tall, rangy woman considered the
question. She wanted to stick her fingers in her ears and babble some nonsense
just so she couldn't hear, but she was also too curious to walk away. No,
she's not the flirty type. She's too cool and aloof for that. But I just bet that
she's a tiger once you get past that façade, and I'm determined to find
out for myself if I'm right.
Unable to stomach another moment of the conjecture, Mia gathered her things and
started back for their room, running into Jordan who was just coming down in the
elevator. Hi, honey, the blonde she said brightly. Coming in
so soon?
Uh-huh, Mia said, trying hard not to show how upset she was.
Hey
what's wrong? the perceptive woman asked immediately. You
look like you're about to cry.
I am, she said with a slight sniff, getting into the elevator as soon
as the door opened.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jordan was right on her heels, following her down the hall to their room, taking
the key-card out of Mia's shaking hands to open the door. She grasped her in a
hug and rubbed her body with her hands, doing her best to calm her down. Tell
me what's wrong? You're not angry with me, are you?
No, the smaller woman said, her voice muffled against Jordan's T-shirt.
Come on, sweetheart, tell me what's got you so upset.
She pulled back and decided to be honest, revealing, Some women out by the
pool were talking about you, she said softly.
Oh, Mia, don't listen to what people say. I'm sure I'm not well liked yet,
but it doesn't bother me don't let it bother you.
Mia's curly hair tossed as she shook her head. It's not that. One of them
likes you
a lot.
Jordan cocked her head and looked at her with a puzzled smile. You're upset
because somebody what
thinks I'm cute?
Oh, please, she said. Anybody with eyes thinks you're cute.
She's just determined to get you into bed, and she's really confident she can
do it.
Aw
baby
unless she's a lot bigger, and a lot stronger, she's
gonna have a hell of a time getting me into her bed. And even if she did, I'd
jump out the second she let me go. She was obviously trying to use humor
to pull Mia out of her mood, but it wasn't working well.
She's not going to force you, the smaller woman said, missing the
joke completely. She's going to wait you out. She said no one on the team
has been able to sustain a long term relationship.
Jordan sat down on the bed and rested her hands on her knees. Who was this,
Mia? I need to have a little talk with her.
The determined curly head shook decisively as Mia said, No, I'm not going
to tell you. I don't want you to feel funny about your teammates. Besides, it's
not her that upset me it's the thought that she might be right. She
looked down at Jordan with a heartbreakingly sad look on her face and asked, Do
you think she's right? Do you think it's impossible for us to stay together?
Jordan let out a sigh, and patted the bed beside her. When Mia sat down, she looked
at her seriously and said, We're the only ones who have power over that.
I've told you that it's going to be hard, and I'm sure it will be. But we don't
have to let the distance destroy what we have. If you want to stay together
then we'll stay together.
If I want? Mia asked, confused by the statement.
Yes
if you want to stay together, we will. I will never grow tired
of you, Mia. You can count on me. Her clear blue eyes were fixed intently
on the smaller woman, and Mia could nearly see the conviction she felt reflected
in them.
She leaned in close, and let Jordan wrap a long arm around her. I want to
stay together, she said softly. I know it will be hard to have you
gone for almost nine months, but we can get through this.
Jordan nodded, feeling some of the anxiety leave her body at Mia's reassurance.
Once the Olympics are over, we can be together again, she said softly.
Actually, we could be together as soon as you graduate.
Huh?
Well, you could come to Colorado Springs as soon as you graduate. The team
won't pay for you to travel with us, but I'll work at any modeling job I can get
to save enough to pay for you.
That's so sweet, Mia sighed. I just don't know if that makes
sense, though. If you're going to be traveling all summer, I might as well wait
until you come home. I assume Jamie and Ryan will leave and sell the house, so
we can get an apartment together.
Jordan stiffened noticeably, her eyes growing wide with shock. I uhm
I can't afford that, Mia. It will take most of what I make to afford my apartment
in Colorado Springs. I kinda thought you'd come to be with me, she said
confusedly. Isn't that what you meant when you said we'd be together after
the Olympics?
Mia jumped to her feet and looked at her carefully. You mean you're not
done with this once the Olympics are over?
Her big blue eyes were nearly round with surprise. Of course not, Mia. This
is a long-term commitment. I'll stay as long as they'll have me.
The smaller woman crossed the room and dropped into a chair. Her head fell into
her hands as she moaned, I had no idea. I thought this was a one-shot deal.
Jordan was on her feet and kneeling beside her in moments. I just assumed
you understood. You kept saying we'd be together, and I just thought you meant
you'd come to Colorado.
Mia patted the strong shoulder, unable to look into those earnest blue eyes while
she collected herself. We'll figure this out, Jordy. It won't be easy, but
we'll figure this out.
Jordan's head dropped into Mia's lap, and she let the gentle touch calm her racing
heart. She amazed herself when she felt her head raise and she stared into the
warm brown eyes that she had come to love. I've worked for this goal since
I was a child, she said softly. I've geared everything towards this,
Mia. I've given up most of my free time, sacrificed every summer vacation, spent
most holidays away from home, and run away from every possible attraction I've
ever had for another person just so I could keep my focus. Her gaze
narrowed and the fire in her eyes flared as she said, I'd give it up for
you in a heartbeat. If you can bear with me until the Olympics, I'll quit and
come home. Don't give up on me, Mia, she begged, tears starting to roll
down her flushed cheeks.
Mia felt her love for her partner fill her soul, and she sank to the ground next
to her, holding her tightly enough to bruise her. I won't give up on you
or on us, Jordan. We'll figure this out. Trust me, baby. We'll figure it
out.
I love you, Mia, she murmured, the tears continuing to fall freely.
I love you too, Jordan, the smaller woman said, her own tears mingling
with her lover's while she kissed her possessively.
* * * * * * * * * * *
By the time Martin and Maeve left, late on Sunday afternoon, both Jamie and Ryan
felt substantially better. They had each soaked up as much affection and love
as they could handle, and had both slept substantially better as a result. Ryan
had a hard time watching them leave, but she greedily accepted the hug that Jamie
offered as the older couple pulled away, giving the smaller woman a spark of hope
that things would eventually return to normal.
* * * * * * * * * * *
As soon as she reached Hillsborough on Sunday evening, Catherine called her daughter.
Jamie? How are you, sweetheart?
Better, now that you're back in the country, the younger blonde said.
We've both really missed you, Mom.
No more than I missed you both. How are things going, dear?
Still not very well, Jamie said. We've got so much to deal with,
Mom, but talking to you the other night really helped. We worked that issue out
thanks to you. I know it won't solve our problems, but at least we won't
be making them worse by shutting each other out of the bedroom.
My pleasure, honey. Having you ask for my advice means more to me than I
can say.
You were the only person I considered calling, Mom. I knew you'd be there
for me. Tonight, Ryan's the one who needs you, though. Up for another challenge?
Of course. What's up?
She's worried about Jennie tonight. Can you help out with her while we're
down here?
Of course. I was hoping I'd get to be involved.
What we really need is for you to take Jen to school, and then pick her
up at night. Is that too much to ask?
Of course not! I'll call her right now to arrange to pick her up.
Actually, if you want to, you could stay at our house for a few days. Mia's
coming home tomorrow, and I know she'd love the company.
That's not a bad idea, dear. It will take me a while to figure out how much
time to allow at that time of day, and staying at your house will cut an hour
from my trip.
It's not gonna be fun, Mom, Jamie said. Traffic's a real bear.
One other thing you could do is find a car service that will take her and pick
her up. I would do it, but I want to talk to the driver personally, and I can't
do that from down here.
Consider it done. Anything else?
No, I don't think so. Conor took her for a haircut yesterday, and he gave
her money to buy a decent pair of shoes, so she should be set.
What about spending money, dear? I'm sure she needs some.
Oh, right! Uhm
I don't know how much is acceptable, Mom. Uhm
I'll talk to Sister Mary Magdalene, Catherine said. I want to
go see how the lights look anyway, as well as remind her of how important Jennie
is to all of us.
Good idea, Jamie said. I think she's gotten the idea, but it
can't hurt to remind her.
I'll call you tomorrow after I drop her off, Catherine said. Tell
Ryan I love her, Jamie, and tell her not to worry about a thing. Jennie's in good
hands.
Once she knows you're on the job, I'm sure she'll be able to relax.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan was able to relax a little once Jamie assured her that Catherine was fully
up to speed on Jennie's needs. After putting in her daily call to her father,
Jamie convinced her partner to go to bed early, and for a change, Ryan didn't
toss and turn for too long. She still had a nightmare or two, but neither one
woke her, and neither caused her to cry out during the night allowing both
her and Jamie to get a night of uninterrupted sleep.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Amanda had suggested some desensitization techniques, and on Monday morning Ryan
went outside and tried to make herself approach the front gate, getting closer
and closer until she realized there was no one there. She opened the small gate
next to the mechanized one, and saw that the reporters were still in place; the
security force had just moved them away from the main gate. Now the small group
stood about fifty feet away, and when one of them spotted her dark head, he yelled,
It's her! She is here!
Her heart in her throat, Ryan ran for the house, panting wildly while she tried
to keep herself from lapsing into another panic attack. She leaned against the
door, then slowly sank to the floor, her legs too rubbery to hold her. Her body
curled up into a little ball, the cold air seeping under the door chilling her
sweat-drenched skin. Jamie! she cried out. Come home! Please,
come home! But she knew her pleas were in vain. Jamie had left early that
morning to play golf, and Ryan had to get through the next few hours on her own.
It took a long time, but the deep breathing exercises and calming mantra finally
began to have an effect, and she slowly started to feel a little calmer. She still
wasn't able to move, though, somehow feeling safer with her body blocking the
door. Hours later, she heard Jamie drive into the compound, and forced herself
to get up and go upstairs. Her body was so stiff she could hardly move, but her
iron will compelled her legs to carry her. If she knows I'm this bad off, she'll
never leave the house. And she obviously has to get out. She got into the
shower again, letting the warm water ease her stiff joints, and when she emerged
she didn't leave the office until it was fully dark refusing to even go
down to the kitchen to have lunch with Jamie. She felt safe in the office for
some reason, and she decided that she needed to do whatever made her feel safe
no matter how odd her habits seemed.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Mary Hayes paced in front of her team, her hands clasped behind her back, eyes
half closed. I've been coaching since I was 23 years old, she said,
taking in a deep breath. I've had a lot of highs and a lot of lows, but
this is the lowest point of my entire career. Wins and losses are important
I know that sometimes I've made them far too important but nothing
nothing is more important than loyalty. Loyalty to the sport
to the team
to your teammates. At least one of you doesn't understand what it means
to be a member of a team and when I find out who you are, you won't
be a member of this team any longer.
Ryan O'Flaherty has been through one of the most harrowing experiences a
woman can go through. But her pain didn't end when the carjacking was over. Someone
someone from her team
went to the tabloids and revealed that
Ryan had an emotional breakdown when she returned from the Bahamas.
That incident had to be one of the most humiliating experiences of that
young woman's entire life. Any of you who'd taken a moment to get to know her
would have known that. But that didn't stop you from selling the details of her
struggle to a sleazy tabloid. I'd say that you should be ashamed of yourself
but if you had any shame, you never would have done this so that's a waste
of my breath.
I just want you to know that I'm going to do my best to find out who did
this and when I do, I'm throwing you off the team. I'm also going to try
to force you to pay back as much of your scholarship as possible.
You, she said as she walked down the line, looking every young woman
in the eye, are a traitor, and when I find out who you are, you're going
to regret what you did. You obviously have no pride we'll just see how
you handle being humiliated. My guess is that you won't deal with it with as much
class as Ryan has shown.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Welcome home, Mia, Jamie said when she reached her friend on Monday
evening.
James! I miss you. When are you coming home?
It's gonna be a while, Jamie sighed. Things aren't going well,
buddy.
Mia's jovial tone changed immediately. 'What's wrong?
We're both having a hard time, but Ryan's really troubled. Things are just
well, they're really hard right now.
Tell me, James, she said. What's happened? You both seemed so
good down in the Bahamas.
We were good when we were there, she said. But as soon as we
got back, things got really intense. The reporters started to drive us mad, and
Ryan was asked to leave the basketball team everything just fell apart.
Oh, Jamie, is there anything I can do? Do you want me to come down there
and take care of you two? I could cook for you if you tell me how,
she said earnestly, making Jamie laugh for the first time in days.
I appreciate the offer, honey, but we just need to be alone for a while.
The reality of what happened has really hit us, Mia, and we're both struggling.
I'm talking to my therapist once or twice a day, and Ryan's seeing someone down
here, too. She was just getting into a good groove with her therapist when the
reporters showed up down here, and now she's afraid to leave the property.
There was a moment of silence, then Mia said softly, Ryan's not afraid of
anything. I've never met anyone so brave.
Sighing heavily, Jamie said, I agree with you, Mia. She's a very brave woman.
But she's also very, very vulnerable right now. She's been having panic attacks,
like the one she had in North Carolina, and now she's more afraid of the panic
than she is of the actual events that are happening. It's just horrible to see
her like this, she whispered, starting to cry again.
I'm so sorry, James, Mia said. Thank God you've got each other.
You'll get each other through this.
That's part of the problem, Jamie said. I've never felt so distant
from her. We're both really closed off, Mia. We don't talk about the carjacking
with each other, but that's all that either of us thinks about. We really only
open up to our therapists.
Can you comfort each other physically? Mia asked.
No. Jamie said this with such finality that Mia couldn't even form
a response. I shouldn't say it like that, Jamie said. I know
we'll be comfortable with each other again, but we can't even consider it right
now. A few perfunctory kisses are all we can handle. She took in a deep
breath and said, We don't even hold each other when we sleep, Mia. You never
realize how much something like that means until you don't have it anymore.
Jesus, when I think of how you were just a few days ago
I've never
seen you so close.
I know. It's like we're in a nightmare now, or that was a dream. I'm not
even sure which is the real us.
Oh, James, I feel so bad for you both. Isn't there anything I can do?
Do? No, I'm afraid not, Mia. We just need time. Nothing will get us through
this but time and tears.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Once it was dark, and she was sure no one could see her, Ryan turned off the outside
lights and went over to the gym. She normally went to work out as soon as Jamie
left the house, but today's panic attack had ruined that plan.
A solid hour of work on the speed bag and heavy bag left her physically drained,
but emotionally energized, then she sat at her drum set and whaled on the pads
with every bit of strength left in her body. She sang so loudly that Jamie could
hear her from inside the house. Eventually, the blonde put on a coat and went
outside, trying to get a feeling for what was going through Ryan's mind. But the
songs that Ryan was beating out were so filled with angst and pain, the smaller
woman couldn't bear to listen. It sounded as if Ryan's very soul were bleeding,
and after just a few minutes of listening to her, Jamie went inside and cried
for a solid hour, feeling her heart break for her tortured lover.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan woke on Tuesday nearly a half hour before the sunrise. Even though it was
early, she felt fairly rested, not even able to recall if she had experienced
nightmares or not. She started to consider going for a run, then reality hit her
and she remembered that she was a captive until the frenzy died down.
She was just about to pull the covers over her head and stay in bed until she
had to call Amanda, when suddenly, in a stunning flash of clarity, she saw the
situation as it truly was, not as she had imagined it to be. I've been allowing
a bunch of nameless idiots to keep me from experiencing every bit of joy that
I normally feel. I'm not able to be intimate with Jamie; I can't go back to Berkeley;
hell, I don't even enjoy food any more. The mere thought of sex makes my palms
sweat, and I don't even pray in the morning. Every single thing that keeps me
happy and calm has fallen by the wayside, and I've participated in this bullshit!
Her feet hit the floor with a determined thump, and at that moment she made up
her mind that it was going to stop.
It was cold and drizzly out, so she dressed warmly. Her body was much colder than
normal, but she knew that was mostly from fear. Her heart was beating rapidly
as she laced up her shoes and took a breath to steel her courage. Jamie woke at
just that moment, looked at her curiously, then sat straight up in bed, immediately
alert. Do you want me to go with you?
Ryan went back over to the bed and smoothed the tousled blonde hair. She wanted
nothing in the world more than to have her partner get up and hold her hand through
this ordeal, but she knew that wasn't the right thing for her. No, but thanks
for asking. I have to do this on my own.
Throwing her arms around Ryan's shaking body, Jamie whispered, I'm proud
of you for even trying. I'm sure you can do this, baby. If not today, then tomorrow.
Thanks, Ryan said, her voice strained and tight. She got up and left
the room, and as soon as she cleared the doorway, Jamie was on her feet, going
to the other end of the house to look through the windows closer to the gate
to watch her lover struggle with her demons.
As Ryan approached the gate, every instinct told her to go back to the house,
lock the doors and stay there. Standing there in the driveway, her heart beating
so hard that she feared it would burst from her chest, she actually considered
dropping out of school for a term if this didn't end soon; but as she heard her
inner voice offer this suggestion, something snapped. I didn't try out for
the Olympic team because I didn't want to drop out of school! And now I'm gonna
let these idiots force me to drop out? I don't think so! Her anger supporting
her shaky confidence, she walked to the gate and tossed it open, nodding to the
police officers who were engaged in a spirited discussion with the drivers of
two news vans.
It's her! someone cried. Get the hand-held camera on her! Chuck!
You've got to follow her!
She shook her head, never making eye contact with any of the reporters. With a
toss of her hair, she started to run, ignoring the pounding feet of the lumbering
man trying to keep up with her, as well as the pounding of her own racing heart.
Inexplicably, she began to see the humor in all of this nonsense, and for the
first time since it began, she felt her anxiety lessen during a confrontation
with the media. Ryan! the reporter gasped, the distance between them
growing. Gimme a break, will ya? I'm just trying to earn a living here!
Smirking to herself, she put it in overdrive, pulling away from the man as though
he were standing still. Surprising herself, she found that her heart rate began
to calm even more the farther she ran. The pressure that she felt in her chest
every time the media was near was completely absent. Amazingly, she also wasn't
running through gloom and doom scenarios as she had been every other time she
was confronted by them. They can't hurt me! she said to herself, marveling
at her startling discovery, even though it was an exact recitation of the mantra
Amanda had suggested the previous week. They can't do a thing in the world
to me, other than shove a microphone and a camera in my face. I'm the one who's
giving them power by letting them force me to change my habits. Well, it's over
as of today! she pledged. I'm doing what I want
when I want to do
it. If those jerks want to follow me, let 'em! I will never talk to them
I will never look into their cameras. They can't touch me!
By the time she returned home, she was completely resolved she was through
running from the press. If they wanted to follow her for the rest of her life
that was their choice. But no matter how many of them there were, no matter
how invasive their questions, she was not going to change her habits, or allow
them to hound her. She would no longer participate in her own victimization.
After pushing through the front gate, she ran through the kitchen door, grabbed
Jamie in a rough embrace, and twirled her around the room. I did it! I did
it, Jamie!
The smaller woman held her just as fiercely, her tears falling freely. I'm
so very, very proud of you!
* * * * * * * * * * *
After gulping down a breakfast, that actually tasted like food for the first time
in over a week, Ryan changed into dry clothes and got on the phone, reaching all
of her brothers before they went to work. We're having a big party that's
gonna last all weekend, and on Sunday night we're coming home. I'm taking my life
back from the vultures, she said. The old Ryan O'Flaherty is back
with a vengeance!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Amanda was very pleased for Ryan, and she enthused over her progress. She reminded
her that the press was just one facet of her troubles, however, and warned that
the thing itself would still be difficult for Ryan to deal with. Ryan
unhappily acknowledged the truth of her comment. I know there's still a
lot to work on, she said. So far we've spent a lot of time talking
about my fears. Clearing her throat she said, I think it's time we
started talking about my anger. It's about to eat me alive.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Later that day, Jamie was working on her journal when she heard a strange sound.
It sounded as though it was coming from outdoors, so she got up to investigate,
worried that a rogue reporter might have scaled the fence. What she saw made her
smile; a full, warm smile that had been missing from her face for many days.
Ryan was in the driveway, playing some form of game between herself and a basketball.
After watching in silence for a few minutes, the smaller woman was finally able
to determine that the object of the game was to dribble the ball in as many odd
positions as possible without stopping. Given Ryan's creative nature, now slowly
waking from slumber, she was able to conjure up many, many innovative positions,
and Jamie found herself captivated by the display.
The blonde ran downstairs and quietly exited through the back door. She was about
to speak, when Ryan started to dribble the ball down the drive with her
knees. Jamie had never seen such a thing, and she stood staring at her partner
as she skipped down the long drive, the ball bouncing at a perfect 90 degree angle
off the middle of each now-dirty kneecap.
Coming back up the drive, Ryan launched into soccer modebouncing the ball
off her shoulders, then her head, then her knees again, coming up next to Jamie
and saying, Wanna play?
You are awesome, the blonde said.
Nah. I could really dazzle you if I had the right balls. Two women's sized
outdoor balls, and you'd swoon.
I'm swooning already, Jamie said I'd ask how you do that, but
I'm sure I'd get the usual answer.
Yep, Ryan said. Start when you're about three, spend a few thousand
hours at it, and anyone can do it!
* * * * * * * * * * *
That night, a long, warm body slid into bed and curled around the occupant, who
was nearly asleep. After more than a week of strained distance in bed, the blonde
blinked in surprise, but tried to hide her shock at the warm embrace, commenting
casually, How can I be so tired, when we don't do anything all day?
Stress takes more out of me than running a marathon. I can only assume that's
true for you, too.
Yeah, I guess you're right. She looked into Ryan's surprisingly bright
eyes and said, You're looking very much like your normal self. Do you feel
as good as you look?
I do, Ryan said, sighing deeply. I could taste food for the
first time in a week today. I really think I'm over the worst of this, babe.
Jamie snuggled close and hugged her fiercely. I'm so glad to hear that.
I feel a lot better today, too. Having you go for that run really gave me hope
that we're getting better.
We are, Ryan whispered.
Seeing the receptivity in her posture, Jamie gently stroked her back, letting
her fingers get used to the sensation once again. She was practically humming
with pleasure, allowing herself to acknowledge just how much she'd missed simply
holding Ryan. Fully content to hold and gently stroke her back, Jamie was once
again surprised to feel Ryan shift slightly to make her touch travel a little
lower. There was just a pause no more than a secondthen Jamie's hand
started to move again. They were both very quiet, their breathing even quieter
than normal, while each tried to read the signals that the other was sending out.
Slowly, but determinedly, Jamie's hand expanded the territory it covered, slipping
under the waistband of Ryan's pajamas to slide over the smooth, creamy-white skin
of her ass.
Hips started to twitch, heart rates picked up, rib cages expanded, legs shifted
slowly open; every sign pointing to the re-awakening of their somnolent desire.
Ryan grasped the small hand and placed it under her T-shirt, gliding it along
her chest until it reached her breast. When the fingers closed around the nipple,
Ryan moaned softly and pressed her pelvis against Jamie's thigh.
With a lazy smile covering her face, Ryan felt the first tingling rush of sensation
in her groin. Oh, yeah, she purred when Jamie's tentative fingers
gave the nipple another squeeze. Grinding her vulva against the muscular thigh,
Ryan felt a surge of moisture between her legs, and she reveled in the sensation,
tossing her head back as she tried to savor each waking nerve-ending.
She opened her eyes, and stared deeply into Jamie's vivid green orbs, opening
herself up fully to her partner. Suddenly, completely without warning, her heart
started to race, and she felt her emotional barriers slam into place again. NO!
she shouted, more to herself than to Jamie. Wrenching her body away, she sat up
and put her feet on the floor, trying to ground herself. Jamie's hand touched
her back, and it was all Ryan could do not to swat it away. Sweat was trickling
down her back and sides, and she knew she was on the verge of a full panic attack.
Getting to her feet, she lunged for the window seat and reached out for the wall.
Feeling the cool plaster helped calm her, and she was able to start her breathing
exercises. The panic will pass soon. It won't harm me it just
scares me. The panic will pass soon
Repeating the new mantra, the exercises
slowly had an effect, and she started to bring herself down.
Her tunnel vision cleared, and she saw the stark panic on Jamie's face. I'm
sorry, Ryan whispered, feeling as weak and powerless as a kitten.
Coming to her side, Jamie tentatively reached out, but Ryan shrank from her touch.
Swallowing her hurt, the smaller woman squatted down in front of her, so their
eyes met. Making her voice as gentle as she could, she murmured, You have
nothing to apologize for. We're both struggling here, baby, and we've still got
a lot of work to do. This will pass, I promise you.
I hope to God you're right. Ryan stood on her still-rubbery legs and
extended a hand, pulling Jamie to her feet. Patting her on the shoulder, she said,
I need a quick shower. You go on to bed.
The smaller woman nodded, sparing a worried look as Ryan turned to head for the
bathroom.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Amanda waited until Ryan had vented all of her frustrations, then calmly said,
Whether it seems like it or not, you are making progress. This was
the first time in over a week that you had even a glimmer of desire. You just
went a little past your safety zone this time. Next time you'll go a little further,
and a little further still each time. Being completely vulnerable with Jamie is
going to take a little longer that's all.
But she means so much to me, Ryan moaned. It would help so much
to feel her touch. But it honestly felt like she was going to suck the life right
out of me! How can that be? How can someone who I love more than life itself feel
so alien and frightening!
Amanda paused for a moment, then offered, It makes perfect sense, Ryan.
The fact that you were both victims makes it even harder than it would be if you
had been alone. Making yourself completely open tears open a scab that's just
started to form. You're learning to put up some very effective barriers to keep
the reporters from getting to you. Doesn't it make sense that it would be hard
to put up one barrier, while trying to take another down?
After allowing herself to consider that question, Ryan finally asked, Are
you sure I'll be able to take the barrier down someday? With a sorrow-filled
sigh, she said, Jamie's my life, Amanda. Touching her and letting her touch
me is life sustaining.
You'll be able to take the barrier down, Ryan. I'm certain of it. We'll
just keep working, and over time you'll welcome each other back to that intimate
place. It will come.
What do I do until it comes? she asked, desolation filling her soul.
Small steps, Ryan, small steps. Holding hands, gentle kissing, maybe a backrub
anything that makes both of you feel a little connection. Just don't push
yourself. When you feel any discomfort back off, and try again later.
Okay, she said softly. I guess we don't have many options.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Strangely, even though she felt very shaky about her inability to be sexual, Ryan
was ready to push herself a little where the reporters were concerned. Deciding
that she would do well to force herself to drive, she got into the Mustang to
drive to her afternoon appointment. A van followed her the whole way, but she
repeated her mantra time and again, and by the time she reached the building,
her heart rate was barely elevated. She parked in the adjacent lot, and took deep,
even breaths as she got out of the car. A man ran alongside her, his voice insistent,
but not overly loud. If you just talk to me for three minutes I can make
$100,000! he said. Do you have any idea how much that would mean to
my family? You don't even have to say anything important! Just let me take your
picture and feed me a line of crap! How does that hurt you?
She continued to take her deep breaths until she got to the doctor's office. He
was right next to her, yapping away, until she went inside and shut the door in
his face, throwing the bolt in place.
Her breathing was considerably faster than it had been when she got out of the
car, but she managed to press the buzzer, indicating that she had arrived. Amanda
came out and smiled at her, but her smile froze when she saw the look on her client's
face. I was followed, Ryan said, her voice tremulous. There's
a guy right outside the door.
Amanda noted the locked door, and urged Ryan to go inside. They walked in together,
then Amanda called the security firm that policed the small building. She explained
the situation, and they agreed to send a guard over to clear the hallway.
She sat down and gazed at Ryan with her normal warm regard. How are you?
she asked softly. You look pretty good considering.
I'm okay, Ryan said, just slightly out of breath. It was a lot
harder in my dreams, she said.
It always is, Amanda said.
You know, it's funny, Ryan said. He tried to guilt-trip me,
and for just a second, I started to see the situation through his eyes.
And
?
That's a good thing, she said. It let me see the guys who've
been hounding me as people. They're not some version of evil incarnate. They're
just average people who make their living by taking pictures and getting interviews
from newsworthy people. The free-lance guys, in particular, just go where the
hot story is. I shouldn't hate them for that.
Does that realization make you feel differently about talking to them?
Amanda asked.
Hell no! Ryan shook her head and laughed, allowing Amanda to hear
the gentle, lilting tone for the first time. We all make choices in this
life. Those guys decided to make their living chasing down people some
of whom would prefer not to be caught. I'm not gonna be caught. Those are the
breaks, she said.
Amanda gave her a wide smile. I'd put my money on you in that little horse
race, Ryan.
When she left, Amanda walked her all the way to the elevator, mostly to insure
that the elevator lobby was free of reporters. She patted her on the back and
said, To the swift goes the race, Ryan. They can't catch you if you don't
want to be caught.
* * * * * * * * * * *
She got back into the compound without incident, even though she did have to brush
off the same reporter when he tried to stop her from getting into her car. Luckily,
the security guard was close by, and his impressive bulk convinced the man that
he should try again later.
Hopping out of the Mustang, her face broke into a delighted grin when she saw
what was waiting for her on the back steps. Two brand news basketballs, both women's
sized and made for outdoor use. Jamie came home not long afterward, and she and
Ryan spent the rest of the afternoon working on their dribbling skills, and by
the end of the day, Jamie was just about 2,997 hours short of Ryan's proficiency.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Lying in bed that night, Ryan's stomach was coiled in a ball of tension. Finally
forcing herself to bring up the upsetting topic, she asked, Did you talk
to Anna about what happened last night?
Yeah, Jamie said. They were lying next to each other, but not an inch
of clothing or skin touched. Not because it upset me, she added quickly.
I just wanted to know if there was any way I could help you get through
this.
You're not hurt, or mad at me? Ryan asked softly, her voice wavering.
Jamie's hand closed the few inches than separated it from Ryan's. Threading her
fingers between the long, cool digits, she gave the hand a squeeze. Never,
she whispered. We'll be okay, Ryan. I promise we'll get back to where we
were. It's just gonna take a while. You know, I felt pretty shaky last night,
too. I'm not at all sure I could have kept going.
Really? There was a full minute of silence, then Ryan said, That
amazes me. You seem pretty much like your normal self.
Squeezing the hand again, she said, I have a lifetime of practice in how
not to show what I'm really feeling, honey. I haven't had that shield up with
you for a long time, but it's up now. I've got nearly as much troubling me as
you do. We've both got our plates full.
Ryan sighed, both relieved and dismayed that Jamie was as troubled as she. Amanda
thinks we should take it really slow, and not push each other.
I think that's a good idea, Jamie said. Anna suggested we each
ask for what we need, and see how it feels to the other person.
Giving her a painfully sad smile, Ryan nodded. I can't believe that we could
go from being as open as we were in the Bahamas, to needing to ask permission
for a kiss. Sighing heavily, she said, I guess there aren't many options,
though. I'm willing to try it that way.
Squeezing her fingers, Jamie said, I could use a hug. How about you?
Yeah. I could use a few thousand myself. Stretching out her left arm,
Jamie placed her hand on Ryan's back and pulled her close. Automatically, their
bodies molded together, until they were pressing against each other all down their
lengths. Is this too close? Ryan asked.
Not nearly close enough, Jamie said with a sigh. Ryan gently stroked
her back, and soon Jamie fell into a deep sleep. Wiping a few tears from her eyes,
Ryan disentangled herself and eased her partner onto her side. Kissing her cheek,
she scooted to the other edge of the bed and wrapped her arms tightly around herself,
curling up in a fetal position as she watched the hours tick away on the bedside
clock.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Part 8
The next day they got a little more adventurous and decided to play golf at Pebble
Beach, their first venture out together since the reporters had descended upon
their sanctuary. Since they were both in the car, every reporter followed them,
and when they pulled into the parking lot, a long line of SUV's and vans pulled
in right behind them.
Getting out of the car, Ryan stared at the ground, refusing to make eye contact
with anyone, no matter how much they begged. She had on a baseball cap, bill facing
forward, and it was pulled down as low as she could get it.
The club was open to non-members, and to their dismay, two of the intrepid reporters
managed to procure and pay for a round of their own. Normally, the wait for a
tee-time was months long, but the day was cool and drizzly and many vacationers
had chosen not to brave the wicked course on a rainy day.
Jamie wasn't about to let the reporters ruin their day, so she spoke to the starter,
and he agreed to send a marshal out with them to keep an eye on things and make
sure the men behaved. By the second hole, the marshal decided that the reporters
were following too closely, so he moved another group between them, ignoring the
outraged squawks from the men.
Standing on the third tee, Ryan looked around, asking, Where's Chip? I assumed
he'd be playing with us today. She said this with a definite edge to her
voice, and Jamie waited a moment to answer, not wanting to further aggravate her
partner.
I don't know, honey. I assume he's doing his job.
And that's
what? she asked, the edge still in place.
He's a golf pro, she said, knowing that Ryan knew exactly what he
did for a living. He's probably giving someone a lesson.
I'll just bet he is, she grumbled, turning to address her ball.
Watching her from behind, Jamie decided to let the matter drop. She knew Ryan
was looking for a fight, but she had no desire to give her one. Every time she
looked up, Ryan was staring at her, but still she refused to rise to the bait.
Normally, Ryan's little bouts of pique were short lived, and ended as soon as
she realized she was being childish. But she had a lot of staying power today,
and she continued to glare at Jamie for nearly an hour. On the eighth hole, the
larger woman couldn't take Jamie's refusal to engage any more. She stood in front
of her, blocking her from being able to get out of the golf cart. How many
times have you seen him since we've been here?
Jamie took a deep breath, trying to decide if she should even answer. She knew
this interaction would come to no good end, but she didn't have many options,
so she told the truth. Twice. I played a round with him that first day,
and he watched me on the driving range yesterday. She reached out and grasped
the waistband of her lover's slacks, holding on so Ryan didn't storm away like
she had a tendency to do. I know you're having a hard time keeping things
in perspective, but it hurts my feelings when you question me like this. I have
no romantic interest in Chip, or any other human being. You're the person I love,
Ryan, and you can trust me implicitly.
I can't trust him, she growled. It's obvious he has a
crush on you. She narrowed her eyes and lowered her voice. And he
probably thinks he can get you.
What does that mean? Jamie knew she was being pulled into an argument,
but she couldn't stop herself.
Nothing. Ryan took a club at random and hacked at the ball, sending
it shooting along the ground no more than 100 feet. Fuck you! she
yelled, glowering at the innocent white orb. She strode down the fairway, the
wind carrying most of her invective-laced commentary away so that Jamie couldn't
hear it.
The blonde decided to skip the hole, since the group behind them had caught up
to them and she didn't want to allow them to eavesdrop. She drove by her partner
and demanded, Get in. We're going to 9.
Ryan looked like she wanted to argue, but after a pregnant pause she walked around
to the passenger side and climbed in. They rode in silence to the 8th
green, noting that the group ahead of them was just finishing putting out. As
soon as the foursome left the green Jamie decided to putt a few balls just to
waste time. She dropped three onto the surface and forced herself to concentrate,
managing to two-putt each of them over the long, curving, undulating green. Ryan
stayed in the cart, looking sullen and withdrawn. When Jamie finished, she drove
over to the ninth tee, then turned and stared at Ryan until the dark head finally
turned her way. I have no interest in Chip, Ryan, and whether or not he
has a crush on me is immaterial. There are dozens of women who have crushes on
you, and I don't try to prohibit you from seeing them. As a matter of fact, two
of the women from your past openly admit that they're in love with you.
Her eyes sparked with fire as she added, And I've never
ever
tried to make you feel bad about that. I never would because I'd be doing
so only to hurt your feelings. I'd appreciate the same consideration.
She got out of the cart, went to the tee, and hit a surprisingly good shot, despite
the anger that coursed through her veins. Crossing her arms over her chest, she
waited patiently, finally realizing that Ryan was not coming. Turning, she saw
her sitting with her feet up on the edge of the cart, head buried between her
raised knees. She was obviously crying, and Jamie sighed deeply, feeling like
she'd reached her limit of emotionally draining experiences. Wanting nothing more
than to pick up her bag and play the round alone, just to avoid another scene,
she nevertheless walked over to her partner and sat next to her in the cart. Do
you want to leave? she asked softly.
Yes, but they'll see me crying. I don't want to see my picture in the tabloids
looking like this.
Jamie looked around, noting that the reporters were more than a hole behind them.
Hold on, she commanded, and took off, driving the electric cart as
fast as she could. She maneuvered them around the course, going backwards down
some holes, and cutting across a fairway or two. They approached a small building
somewhere on the back 9, the structure well hidden by trees and shrubs.
Where are we? Ryan asked, looking around confusedly.
This is one of the cart barns. No one will be around here until the end
of the day when they store the excess carts here. She got out, then took
her wallet from her bag and stuck it into her pocket. Come on. Let's go
for a walk.
A walk?
Yeah. We can cut across right over there and be by the shore. Let's go.
But your clubs
Putting her hands on her hips, Jamie stared at her partner for a minute. Take
a guess what's more important to me. You or those fucking sticks? Now, come on.
She started off, with Ryan having to run to catch up with her. Jamie, it's
okay. I'm better now. I'm really sorry for what I said
We're going for a walk, she repeated, scowling.
Okay, okay. Ryan shoved her hands in her pockets and walked alongside
her partner. They crossed a fairway or two, lurked behind a tree as a cart sped
by, then took off again, making it to the shore unmolested. They found a spot
that the passing golfers would likely not see, and sat down on the springy, longish
grass, both of them silent for a while.
With all of the things that have happened, I understand that you're on edge,
Jamie said. I promise to support you, no matter what, but it wounds me to
have you doubt my fidelity.
I don't, Ryan said, giving her a pathetically sad look. I really
don't, Jamie.
Then what is it, Ryan? What else should I think when you're obviously upset
that I played golf with a guy I know?
It's stupid and childish and doesn't even merit talking about, she
mumbled. Can't we just forget it?
No. Jamie put her hand on her leg and said, I want to know what's
going on in your head.
No, you don't, Ryan said, shaking her dark head firmly. It's
a bad place to be right now.
You know what I mean. Tell me why you're upset about Chip.
She wrapped her arms around her knees and gazed out at the surf for a few moments,
collecting her thoughts. I felt like you'd rather be with him than with
me, she said quietly. He's not a psycho.
Ryan, I don't know how many times I've tried to convince you that you're
not a psycho. I'm out of ways to reassure you, honey. You've had enough stress
to drive the healthiest person mad, but you're getting through it. You've made
tremendous progress, and soon you'll be completely back to normal. But you're
not there yet, babe. That doesn't make you psycho; that makes you human.
Her chin rested on her raised knees, and Ryan stared out at the sea, unable to
meet her partner's eyes. I had this image of you laughing and joking and
having fun with him, and then thought of what it must be like for you at the house
with me moping around, barely speaking. I don't blame you for wanting to
get out and be around more interesting people but it makes me jealous
and sad
and lonely.
Shaking her head, Jamie said, The thought of Chip being more interesting
than you is too laughable to address. And I rather doubt he had the time of his
life, baby. All I did was talk about you and how much I love you.
What? You
you came out to him?
Giving her a completely puzzled look, Jamie said, Of course I did! Ryan,
I know he has a crush on me, so I made it clear that he doesn't have a chance.
Honey, I'd never spend time with a guy and let him think I was single. I'm not,
she said, her voice growing soft and gentle. She slipped off her golf glove to
expose her ring. I'm yours.
I worry, Ryan said, her face etched with tension. I worry that
you'll lose patience with me and wish you could get away from me.
Reaching over, Jamie took her hand. When you get this way, you seem to forget
everything that you know about me. I'm not that kind of person, and you know it,
Ryan O'Flaherty. In the first place, things aren't that bad between us. And secondly,
if they were, I still wouldn't want to get away from you. I want to get closer
to you, Ryan, and that will always be my goal. For better or worse, baby. That's
not just an expression, that's how I live my life.
Hug? the larger woman asked tentatively.
As many as you can stand. Jamie scooted closer and wrapped her arms
around her partner, holding her tight while they watched the waves crash against
the shore, oblivious to everything else in the world.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Maneuvering around the course, Jamie decided to go right back to where they had
left off. It took a little while until they could sneak back on, but eventually
the tee on 8 was clear and she couldn't spot the group on 7. They played the round
in companionable silence, Jamie concentrating deeply. At the end of the round
they saw the poor souls who had paid their fees to follow them. All each reporter
was left with was a $375 bill for greens fees and cart rental, as well as a growing
realization that these two young women were not going to give in any time soon.
* * * * * * * * * * *
After golf, they took a long nap, then ventured out again, going to dinner at
a delightful northern Italian place in Carmel. Amanda had urged Ryan to continue
to slowly stretch her comfort level, and she felt that she did well at the crowded
eatery. When most people recognized them and heads slowly turned their way as
they made their way to the table, Jamie just smiled at her partner and said, I
told you those new pants looked fabulous on you! See how much everyone likes them?
* * * * * * * * * * *
When they got home, Jamie started to get ready for bed, but Ryan seemed anxious
and irritable. She paced around the large house, going through the routine she
had developed. Methodically, she checked every window, every door, and then stood
and stared out the kitchen window; obviously looking for some sign of activity
in the large expanse of grass.
She stood there for a long while, flinching dramatically when Jamie came up behind
her and lightly touched her back. Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I thought you heard
me.
No. She moved away from the touch and said, I'm gonna go play
my drums. You don't have to wait up.
Jamie nodded, but Ryan didn't see her response. She was out the door without another
glance, leaving her partner feeling rejected and shut out once again the
slight progress they'd made that afternoon evaporated.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The night was warm, although damp, so Jamie went to the coat closet and found
a fleece jacket that belonged to her father. She put it on and went outside to
sit in the garden next to the garage. Ryan had opened the window in the gym, and
her frenetic drumming easily carried down to the blonde. Usually, the dark woman
wore headphones, so that the only sound was the slapping of her sticks against
the pads. But tonight she had hooked the set up to the massive speakers for the
stereo in the gym, and the entire building nearly rocked. Jamie was sure the noise
would give her partner a massive headache, or damage her hearing, but she didn't
intrude knowing her interference would not be appreciated.
She had no idea what demons were torturing her partner tonight, but she couldn't
rest until Ryan was a little calmer, and she vowed to stay right where she was
until Ryan was ready for bed.
When the din finally ceased, Jamie checked her watch and saw that it was nearly
11 o'clock. She pulled her jacket tighter and waited for Ryan to exit the building,
but the minutes ticked by with no sign of her. Finally, at 11:30, she had to find
out what her partner was doing. Ryan had promised that she wouldn't drink to excess,
but Jamie kept thinking of the well-stocked refrigerator in the gym, knowing there
was always a bottle of vodka chilling. She hated to doubt her partner, but she
knew that Ryan would do just about anything to stop the demons and if her
drumming hadn't calmed her down
Stealthily, Jamie entered the garage and climbed the stairs to the second floor.
The door to the gym was open, but she couldn't hear a sound coming from the space.
As quietly as she could, she poked her head in, and nearly let out a gasp of surprise
when she spotted her partner. Ryan was stark naked, her wet body glowing in the
dim light of a few large candles. She was seated on a large, square pillow, her
body in a traditional yoga pose. Her hands rested, palms upturned, upon her knees;
and her eyes were closed. In Jamie's best estimation, she was sitting in front
of a makeshift altar. A weight bench was covered with a white lace cloth, and
atop it stood a Celtic cross finely rendered in a gold finish and
three large votive candles. Ryan's lips were moving slowly, but not a whisper
of sound emerged. Soundlessly, Jamie went back downstairs, confident that Ryan
was at least trying to calm herself down. Going back into the house, she made
herself a cup of cocoa, needing the caffeine to keep herself awake, which she
was determined to do.
The cocoa helped, allowing her to stay awake for another half hour. But by the
time Ryan came back in, she was sound asleep, her face resting on the hard, wooden
table.
What am I doing to her? Ryan asked herself, her heart gripping in pain
for her partner. Squatting down beside her, Ryan gave her a gentle kiss, then
tucked a hand under her knees and another behind her shoulders. Grunting from
the effort, she lifted her and nestled her lover against her chest. She'd only
traveled a few feet when Jamie's sleepy voice traveled up to her. Do you
still love me? she asked, in a heartbreakingly sorrowful tone.
She was so taken aback by the question that Ryan nearly stumbled. Placing her
partner on one of the sofas in the living room, she got to her knees in front
of her and whispered, Of course I love you! How can you doubt that?
I don't, I don't, Jamie whispered, starting to cry. I was having
a nightmare
and I got confused. I didn't know if it was real or if you
were real
Oh, Jamie, Ryan sighed, holding her tightly. I'm so sorry.
I dreamed that we never got back to where we were
and one day you
told me that you didn't feel the same way you used to feel. You said
you
said you thought it would be best if we just started over
with someone
else. She was crying heavily now, and Ryan just held her, unable to say
a thing to ease her pain. You said it was too painful to see me and be reminded
of
stuff, she sobbed. She wrapped her arms around Ryan so tightly
that she bruised her. Please don't let that happen. Please!
It won't! Ryan whispered fiercely. I swear it won't!
Hold me. Hold me and tell me everything will be all right. Ryan climbed
onto the sofa, then tugged on Jamie until she was lying atop her. Her clothes
were wet from sweat, but the smaller woman was oblivious to everything but her
lover's heartbeat and the strong arms that held her. I know it's hard for
you to be close, but please, please hold me tonight.
I will, Ryan said, already feeling her heart start to race from the
intimate contact. I promise.
* * * * * * * * * * *
It took Jamie a long time to understand why she was lying on the sofa in the living
room. She was covered with a warm blanket, and when she sat up she found a neatly
typed note lying on the table in front of her.
Hi, sweetheart,
I had to leave for therapy, and you were sleeping too soundly for me to have the
heart to wake you.
I spent a little time this morning trying to get my thoughts down. I know it's
awfully late to be telling you these things now, but I'm working as quickly as
I can, and this was honestly the first time I've felt able to do this.
First things first: You and I are together until death parts us. I think I clearly
showed how I react to a stranger trying to separate us. I'm sure not going to
do something like that myself. You're stuck with me, sweetheart. So even though
I know I drive you mad sometimes
okay, frequently
there is no option
to return this particular purchase.
Now, for the hard part. Four big things are bothering me, and no matter how hard
I try, I can't get past them. Here goes:
- I'm wracked by guilt because I couldn't make myself
do what I thought was right. As soon as I got the gun in my hands, I knew
I should kill the driver. I was confident that I could kill him with a single
shot to the head, and I thought I had a good chance of being able to steer
the car once I pushed his body out of the way. If the passenger didn't behave,
I knew I could take him out, too. Obviously, this was a gamble, but I thought
it through thoroughly, and I was confident that it was the right move. Here's
the problem I couldn't make myself shoot him. Even though he
was trying to kill us all, I wasn't able to shoot him. I go over the scenario
in my head dozens of times a day. Every time I let it play out,
I come to the same decision: I should have killed him. But I was too afraid.
I let my fear stop me from doing what I knew in my heart was right
and knowing that about myself makes me question who I am. I doubt everything
about myself, Jamie, and that's never happened to me before. I thought I knew
myself well but I obviously don't. I'm a coward. That's incredibly
hard to admit, but that's what I am.
I doubt that I'll ever forgive myself for giving his life the same value as yours.
I just hope that you don't loathe me half as much as I loathe myself for what
I was unable to do. Letting him live nearly cost your life. I don't even have
words for the terror I feel every time I allow myself to consider that thought.
I think I have a little insight into why so many military veterans lose their
minds. It's not so much what you do in times like these it's what
you fail to do that drives you mad.
- Failing to kill the driver was the biggest mistake I've
ever made. The second biggest was saving both of their lives. I risked your
life and I risked my own by doing that, and I'll never be able to apologize
sufficiently for that. I know it was just a reaction, and I know that I didn't
think it through but that's no excuse. I promised you once that
I'd be very careful to take care of myself so that you and I would be together
for a very long time. I broke that promise, and I will never be able to find
words to express how sorry I am.
- I'm also unable to get over feeling responsible for killing
another human. No matter who he was, or what he did, he was a child of God,
and my soul aches for contributing to his death. The worst part is that I'm
glad he's dead, and I hope that an even worse fate awaits his brother. I have
fantasies about becoming a prison guard, just so I can kill him with my bare
hands, taking out all of my rage on him as the life drains from his worthless
body. I hate those men with every breath I take, but my hatred fills me with
a darkness that threatens to consume me.
- As angry as I am with them, what they did wasn't personal.
They just wanted the car, and they were too stupid to get it without trying
to kill us. But someone we know has intentionally tried to make our lives
substantially worse during this terrible time. I can't speak or even write
her name, and I worry that I'll finally gain my nerve and be able to kill
someone if I see her on campus. She haunts my dreams, Jamie, and the things
I imagine doing to her terrify me. I'm not that kind of person, but, like
I said, I feel like I don't know myself any longer. I'm worried
very worried.
Those are the big four, sweetheart. Guilt, fear, self-loathing, and hatred are
the only emotions I seem able to feel any more. To be honest, I haven't made much
progress with any of them. I still have nightmares every night, and I still have
intrusive thoughts that torment me all day. But Amanda has really helped with
the reporters. I'm okay with them now, so I think it's best to go back to Berkeley.
I'm afraid I'm going to be struggling with this for a long time, babe, but we
can't hide out here forever.
I truly wish I could be more open with you, and let you help me through this,
but it's just not possible at this point. I desperately want to be close to you,
Jamie, but I start to panic when we get too close. My mind starts to race and
I remember how you looked on that examining table in the ER when you were nearly
blue with cold. Images of your lifeless body fill my head and I feel like I'll
die from fright. The panic is as terrifying as the fear, so it becomes a vicious
circle. Please, believe me when I say that I'm trying the best that I can, but
it's too soon for me to be fully open with you. Amanda assures me that we'll get
back to where we were, and she's not lied to me yet so I'm gonna
choose to believe her. Please believe in me and in us, Jamie. I
do. I swear that I do.
Love always,
Ryan
Jamie sat staring at the note for a very long time. She read it over and over
again, finally lying down to let it all sink in. So many thoughts, so much
guilt in that sweet, sweet woman's heart. I'd do anything to purge her of it
but I can't. All I can do is support her, and love her as best as I'm
able. Dear God, please let it be enough.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Later that morning, when Ryan stood to leave Amanda's office for their last in-person
visit, she reached for the hand the older woman extended. But Ryan couldn't repress
her physical nature, and she took the offered hand and pulled the woman in for
a robust hug. Thank you so much, she whispered. It's going to
be odd just talking to you on the phone. Hell, it's gonna be odd not talking to
you tonight. But my family will be here late this afternoon, and I don't want
to have to be on the phone for an hour.
I think it was a wise choice to only see each other once today, Amanda
said. And I'd much prefer to see you in person, too, but I'm willing to
see how it goes speaking on the phone. We made it work once before I see
no reason that it won't work once again.
I'm not sure I'm ready to go, Ryan worried, but I know I'll
be furious with myself if I don't graduate. School starts on Monday, and I've
got to be there.
You'll be fine. Just remember, if you want to find someone in Berkeley,
I won't mind a bit. I want you to do whatever feels right, Ryan.
No, I'm not much for change, she said. I know you, and I trust
you, and I don't want to have to build that trust up again.
You let me know when you think you want to return to your team, okay?
Yeah, I will. I'm not there yet, though. I need to ease back into things
slowly.
I couldn't agree more, Ryan. You're not ready yet, but when you are, I'll
be happy to talk to your coach.
Okay. I'll let you know.
Amanda smiled at her and said, Have a very good time with your family this
weekend, Ryan. I'll speak to you on Monday same as always.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan poked her head in the back door of the house and looked around the room,
expecting to find her partner nearby. After her therapy session, she'd gone for
a long walk along the cliffs, then bought a newspaper and whiled away another
hour in a coffee shop. She knew she was being a big chicken, but she was afraid
to see Jamie after delivering her note, and she debated whether to make a run
for it before she was spotted. But she finally steeled her courage and started
looking around the house. Jamie? she called a few times, receiving
no answer. When she reached the second floor she didn't call out, thinking her
partner might be back in bed. It was just noon, but their sleep patterns were
so screwed up that either of them could be asleep at any hour of the day or night.
She found her in Catherine's sunny office, staring out at the ocean, oblivious
to Ryan's presence. Hi, the dark-haired woman said quietly.
Oh, hi, she said, turning to give her a warm smile. She was sitting
on one of the long chaises, and she patted the cushion. C'mere.
Ryan did so, standing awkwardly next to the piece. Yeah?
Jamie grasped her hand and said, I'd like to pull you down here and hug
the stuffing out of you, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Are you in
the mood to be cuddled?
Gratefully, Ryan clambered onto the chaise, managing to fit her entire, long body
onto the remaining cushion. Jamie wrapped her arms around her and held her so
tightly her own arms ached. After a long while, she said, I know you're
uncomfortable talking about things right now. I think writing down your thoughts
was a very wise thing to do. So, let's do that for a while, okay? It might be
safer for both of us.
Really?
Yeah, really. I can organize my thoughts better when I write them down,
and it makes things less emotional. Actually, Anna suggested that I write down
how I'm feeling every night before I go to bed. I've been doing that for a few
days now, and it's really helped.
You haven't woken me up with a nightmare in a couple of days, Ryan
said. It must be working.
It lets me put a lid on things, she said. You might want to
try it tonight.
Okay, she said. But I think having the family here will help
a lot.
I do, too, Jamie agreed.
Ryan shifted a little to take some of her weight off her partner. Are we
okay, Jamie?
We're very okay, honey. I appreciate that you told me what's going on in
your head. We don't have to talk about it at all, but I wanted to let you know
that it was very, very helpful to hear it.
Okay, she said briefly. I don't want to talk about it, but I'm
glad I could let you in just a little bit. She shifted her body again, finally
getting slightly more comfortable. What did you do all morning?
Oh, I played golf, then I had a snack. I've only been up here for about
a half hour.
Realizing that something other than Jamie was jabbing her in the back, Ryan reached
down and removed a book from the cushion. What are you reading?
Oh. I wasn't really reading, she said. I was praying.
Ryan looked at the book, and saw that it was a beautifully illustrated copy of
the Book of Psalms. Opening it, she saw how well worn the pages were. This
has seen a lot of use.
Oh, yeah. My grandfather gave that to me, not long after I learned how to
read. For years, I just looked at the pictures, but over time I really began to
enjoy it. I particularly like it because it's the King James Version. The language
is absolutely beautiful.
I've been trying to get into a prayer space, Ryan said. It's
been really hard for me. Da brought the things from my prayer corner at home,
but it's been like pulling teeth.
How does it normally work for you? Jamie asked, surprised that they'd
never had this discussion before.
Mmm
I seek silence. I try to quiet my mind and just
be. If
I'm really quiet, and really reflective, I can sometimes reach a totally serene
place. That's when I feel I'm really with God. She shook her head and said,
I don't know why I can't manage it any more, but I used to be able to spend
a half hour or an hour doing that every day. I've really been slacking off.
Yeah. That's you, Jamie scoffed. A born slacker.
No, really, Jamie. It's something I've got to make time for. I have to do
it in good times and bad. It's one of the keys to my mental health.
Well, maybe you'll be back in the habit by the time we get home.
It's not working, she said. I can't clear my mind at all. I
find myself just saying formal prayers. I can't go the next step, no matter how
hard I try.
You've got to start someplace, Ryan. Praying effectively is like any other
exercise. You've got to start out slow and build up.
You're right. I'm expecting too much. Cocking her head, she asked,
How do you pray?
Mmm
I usually start with a scripture reading. That puts me in the
right mood. Then, I spend time reflecting on what I've read. Sometimes I continue
to think about the text that I read, other times I go off on a completely different
tangent. I talk to myself, but I feel like I'm having a conversation with my Creator.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, I do. That's not how it works for me most of the time, but that sounds
just like how you'd do it. You're more of a language person.
I am. I know you're not, but I'd like to try something anyway, Jamie
said. Why don't you lie down and let me read some of the psalms to you.
Maybe just hearing my voice will help quiet your mind.
Okay. I'd like that. She snuggled down and let her long legs dangle
off the edge of the chaise. Gently, Jamie began to run her fingers through the
dark hair, then she began to speak. For the next half hour, she softly recited
the words to the songs and prayers that had been spoken and sung for millennia,
and as her voice floated over Ryan, some of the turmoil started to lift from her
tormented psyche. Despite the calming touch, soft voice and quiet breaking of
the waves in the distance, Ryan stayed awake the whole time, taking in Jamie's
words like droplets of water onto a dry sponge. When she finally finished, Ryan
turned and gazed up at her for a full minute. That was wonderful. Can we
do that again?
Sure. We can make it a daily ritual if you want.
I want to
I need to, she said. I haven't felt this peaceful
since the day it happened.
Anything you need, baby. Anything at all. Jamie patted her chest and
said, Scoot up here a little bit. I need to be closer just for a
minute or two, honey.
Ryan gave her the vaguely haunted look that had regretfully become one of her
most frequent expressions, but she gamely complied. Moving up the chaise, she
rested her head on Jamie's chest, as the blonde indicated. When I was saying
those words, I kept thinking of a song that they play at Mass. I don't know why,
but I have an overpowering urge to sing it for you.
Murmuring softly, Ryan said, I'd like that. I love it when you sing to me.
Just close your sweet, blue eyes and try to relax, sweetheart. She
bent her head and kissed the glossy, black hair. This is my wish for you.
Clearing her throat, she started to sing in the soft, confident tone that Ryan
deeply loved.
You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord, who abide in His shadow for life.
Say to the Lord, My Refuge, my Rock, in whom I trust.
And He will raise you up on eagle's wings, bear you on the breath of dawn
Make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of His hand.
Her musical urges rose to the surface, and Ryan started to hum the harmony, just
to provide background for her partner's soothing words.
For to His angels He's given the command, to guard you in all of your days.
Upon their hands, they will bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone.
And He will raise you up on eagle's wings, bear you on the breath of dawn.
Make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of His hand.
And hold you
hold you
in the palm of His hand.
God is holding you in the palm of His hand, sweetheart, she whispered.
And so am I.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ready for lunch, precious one? Ryan had been dozing in Jamie's warm
embrace, but the smaller woman's stomach was starting to make its needs known.
Oh. The blue eyes blinked open and she looked up at Jamie sleepily.
Uhm
sure. What would you like?
I'd like a patty melt and a chocolate malt, Jamie said without hesitation.
Really? You never eat stuff like that, Ryan said, now fully awake.
Do you have PMS?
Nope. I just like Helen's patty melts. I think you will, too. Let's go.
Who's Helen, and why are you eating patty melts with her?
Come on, Tiger. It's time for you to meet my new girlfriend.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan pestered Jamie all the way to the restaurant, but the blonde wasn't talking.
It was obvious that Jamie was teasing her, but Ryan was unable to get a clue.
Finally, they entered the small diner, and a round, friendly face topped by snow
white, curly hair called out, Jamie! You finally managed to bring her over
for a decent meal! Eyes nearly popping from her head, Ryan was enveloped
in a warm, robust hug, then Jamie was given the same treatment. I never
thought I was gonna get to meet you, Ryan!
I
I'm surprised, too, she said, looking to Jamie to save her.
We're heading home on Sunday, so this is our last visit, the blonde
said. Fix Ryan up with your specialty, Helen. She needs to put some weight
back on, and I can't think of a better way to do it than with your delicious food.
Oh, bring out the pictures of your grandkids, will you? Little Heather reminds
me of Ryan when she was a little girl.
Will do, she said, ruffling the short, blonde hair. Do you like
onions, Ryan?
Uhm
sure.
That's my girl, Helen said, a broad smile on her face. Be right
back.
As she went into the tiny kitchen, Ryan gaped at her partner. Is she some
distant relative I don't know about?
Huh-uh. I met her the first day we were here. She's kinda adopted me.
Quirking a grin, Ryan shook her head, saying, You are such a lovable little
cuss, Jamie Evans. Women of all ages succumb to your charms.
* * * * * * * * * * *
To Ryan's amazement, her father and aunt, all of her brothers, Maggie, Kevin,
Tommy, Annie and Caitlin, and every one of her cousins showed up later that night.
All of the cousins brought sleeping bags, since there weren't nearly enough beds
for the whole crew, but they didn't seem to mind camping out in such a luxurious
campground.
She and Jamie set about getting everyone organized, putting Tommy and Annie, and
Brendan and Maggie in the two apartments off the pool; getting Martin and Maeve
settled in a guest room in the house, then waiting for all of the single men to
cut cards to determine who got the other rooms. Ryan pulled Jamie aside and said,
Should we sleep in your mother's room, and let someone have ours?
No, I don't think Mom would like that, honey. Do the boys really mind sleeping
on the floor?
No, not at all, Ryan said. I just thought it would be nice.
Jamie's reticence puzzled her, but she figured that Catherine might just not be
the type who liked to share her private space.
Ryan spent some time taking the group on an extended tour. It was very dark out,
but the grounds were well lit, and they managed to get a flavor for the estate.
As expected, the cousins were most impressed with the cars in the garage and the
exercise room, and Ryan left most of them there to examine the toys.
Caitlin, Tommy and Annie were, as expected, required to be in the pool, so a few
more cousins, along with Brendan and Maggie, joined that crowd. Conor, Dermot,
Declan and Rory were playing pool in the game room, while Jamie and Maeve made
up platters of snacks for all of the various groups.
Ryan looked around the warm, bright kitchen, watching while her father made a
fire in the fireplace. She sighed to herself, feeling whole and safe and protected
in the embrace of her family.
The back door opened, and she cried out a greeting when Catherine poked her head
in, followed by a wide-eyed, but wildly happy Jennie.
You little scamp, Ryan muttered, dashing by her partner to give her
a slap on the butt. Your mother wouldn't want us in her room!
Well, she wouldn't, Jamie said. She's small, but she's not small
enough to have us in there with her and Jennie!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan, Jamie, Martin, Maeve, Brendan, Maggie, Conor, Rory, Kevin, Jennie and Catherine
all sat out on the outdoor patio able to hear the waves crashing, but unable
to see them, the moon being largely absent. Jamie had fired up the heaters, and
the space was quite comfortable, even though the night was quite chilly and damp.
They all questioned Catherine about her trip, then Ryan and Jamie spoke of their
stay in the Bahamas. Finally, Jennie filled everyone in on her first week of school.
By the time all of the players had spoken, Jamie looked at her watch and said,
10 o'clock, honey. Time for bed.
But
but
we've got company!
Nonsense, Siobhán, Martin said. We're not company
we're family. Jamie's concerned about you, love. Don't argue with the lass.
I should have known he'd be on your side, Ryan said, nevertheless
getting to her feet.
Jamie took her hand and said, We've got to try to get into normal sleep
patterns, honey. We've got to be at school bright and early on Monday. Turning
to the crowd, she said, Stay up as late as you like, everyone. We can't
hear a thing upstairs, so have a ball.
Conor piped up and said, If you go running in the morning, knock on my door,
okay?
Will do, Ryan said, making her way around the room to offer goodnight
kisses to all. We can taunt the reporters. It's fun to slow down until they
can almost focus their cameras, and then take off as fast as you can. Drives 'em
nuts!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan knocked lightly on Conor's door early the next morning, but didn't receive
a response. Opening the door, she saw that the bed was empty, so she went downstairs
to search for him. He was in the kitchen, drinking directly out of the orange
juice container. When he spied her, he adopted a guilty look, but she reassured
him. I do it all the time. Drives Jamie mad.
I figure it saves washing a glass, he said reasonably. Sleep
well?
Great, she said. Best night I've had. Having you all here really
made a difference.
I'd have a hard time going back home if I were you, sis. I think I could
be pretty happy hanging out down here driving the cars playing golf.
Eh
it's a nice place to visit
Ryan's voice trailed off.
I just need normalcy in my life
and this is far from normal.
Yeah, I guess, he said. Besides, we couldn't stand to have you
this far away. Ready?
Yep. Now, let me warn ya. They're gonna be right outside. The police won't
let them have their news trucks there, and they can't park their cars overnight,
but that doesn't stop 'em from gathering on foot. Just try not to let them bother
you, okay?
They won't bother me, he said. I'm just worried about you.
Don't be, she said clearly. I'm doing fine with it now, and
the last thing I want is for you to get into a confrontation with them. Just don't
speak or make eye contact, and you'll make me happy.
They got through the small knot of reporters without incident, although two of
them came prepared, wearing running shoes and shorts. They gave a creditable chase,
but the added weight of their cameras slowed them down enough so that the siblings
had dusted them within a quarter mile. After that short sprint, they settled down
to a comfortable pace, not speaking for a long time, both enjoying the early morning
sounds of the sea.
After about three miles Conor asked, So tell me more about your vacation.
Was it really great?
It sure was, she said dreamily. I have no desire to live in
Pebble Beach, but I could live on Eleuthra. You would have loved it, Con. It would
be right up your alley.
Did Jordan and Mia have a good time, too? he asked, trying to sound
casual.
Of course, she said. After we left, Mia stayed in Florida to
go to Jordan's first tournament. They won every match, and beat Canada for the
Pan-Am championship last Sunday.
Wow, he said slowly. She stayed, huh?
Yes, Conor, Ryan said. They're very close.
She could see the scowl building as his shoulders slumped a bit. I played
that hand very badly, he said.
How so?
I did what no guy in his right mind would do, he said. First
off I told the complete truth, and that's always fatal.
She smirked at him, having a different worldview, but realizing the she wasn't
going to change his. Yes, Con, honestly is a horrible thing to inject into
a relationship.
You're telling me, he said somberly. Second I did to
her what guys hate to have done to them. I gave her the 'how serious about me
are you' speech. That's insane! As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew
I'd shot myself!
Why do you think you did that? Ryan asked, a little puzzled by his
behavior.
Mmm
probably because I was thinking out loud, he said. I'd
never given a thought to getting serious with her, but when she told me there
had been a chance that she was pregnant, it just dawned on me that wouldn't have
been such a horrible thing
for me, at least.
That makes sense, she said. And as much as I am a proponent
of honesty that was a little abrupt for a second date.
You're telling me? I could have pled temporary insanity, but her mind was
already made up. He kicked a tree branch that was lying in the road, and
grumbled, What really pisses me off is that she was willing to get serious.
She just didn't know it.
Ryan nodded, admitting, I guess you're right. She's pretty serious about
Jordan.
No signs this is just a fling, huh? he asked, pressing for information.
Hmm
you know I don't like to talk about my friends behind their backs,
she said, but I think it's safe to say that you shouldn't hold your breath
waiting for her to be available.
So close! I was so close, and I let my big trap ruin it for me.
You don't know that, Conor. You never know when you're going to click with
someone.
I clicked with her, he said decisively. I just hope that one
day she clicks with me.
Again
don't hold your breath, Ryan said, thinking that her
friends were a long way from breaking up.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Later that afternoon, Ryan wandered down to the pool and found Jennie playing
with the baby, both blondes having the time of their lives. I've got to
get the munchkin down for her nap, but it's gonna be tough, Annie said when
she caught Ryan's eye.
Well, I guess you have to decide when you want her to scream, Ryan
said. Either now, or later, when she's cranky because she didn't have a
nap.
I suppose now would be best, Annie said.
Let me take her up to our room. I haven't heard her scream bloody murder
in weeks. I'm due.
Oh, Ryan, you don't have to do that
I know. But I'd like to. I miss her, Annie. She gave her a wry grin
and said, If she gives me a hard time, I'll be sick of her and then I won't
miss her so much.
How could I turn down such a heartfelt plea? she said.
Come on, Jen, Ryan said. Grab the baby and hand her over. It's
time for her nap.
Uhm
can I come and help? she asked.
Do you really want to?
Yeah. I've never put a baby to bed before. You can show me how.
Okay. Dry off and join us.
Once they were in Ryan's room, Caitlin started to look around suspiciously, slowly
coming to the realization that they were getting into nap mode. As soon as the
thought hit her, she started to scream, wailing pathetically and clutching at
Jennie. She doesn't associate you with the conspiracy, Ryan said loudly
to be heard over the din.
Boy, she's loud! Jennie yelled back.
Ryan swooped her up and held her snugly, walking around the room with her as she
jiggled her over her shoulder. Having a baby isn't all glamour, she
said. Even one as nice as this one.
It took a while, and Ryan's head was throbbing, but Caitlin finally calmed down
enough to drink her bottle. Why don't you feed her? Ryan asked.
Me? I've never fed a baby before!
Then it's time you learned how, Ryan said. Come over here and
sit in the chair
That's it. Now, just cradle her however she seems comfortable.
You don't have to support her much. She usually gets herself into position.
The baby fussed and kicked, then settled down, with her head resting against Jennie's
chest. Now, take the bottle and angle it like
this, Ryan said,
showing her the proper way. That's great. Now all you have to do is let
her suck. She'll either fall asleep, or let you know when she's done.
Jennie looked down at the nursing child, a warm grin on her face. It's hard
to imagine being this little, isn't it?
For me it sure is, Ryan said. I think I was that size in utero.
I was real little, Jennie said softly. I had to stay in the
hospital for a while, 'cause I was so tiny.
Were you premature?
Uh-huh. I don't know how much, but I think I only weighed 4 pounds.
That is small, Ryan said. I think I had 4 pounds of hair when
I was born. Jennie looked up at her, on the verge of making a joke, but
her face scrunched up, and before Ryan could blink she was crying soundlessly.
Hey, hey, what's wrong? the older woman asked, squatting down next
to her.
I've
I've been so worried about you, she said.
Oh, Jen, I'm fine. You saw that for yourself on Christmas, didn't you?
But you're not home
and you didn't come back to take me to sch
sch
school. I know you, Ryan, and you'd only miss that if something was
really wrong. She was sobbing hard now, and Ryan took the nearly sleeping
baby into her own arms so that Jen didn't wake her.
I'm all right, sweetheart, she said, stroking Jennie's shaking body
with her free hand. Things have been hard for Jamie and me, but we'll get
through it. I promise you that, Jen.
You're not gonna break up, are you?
What? Of course not! Whatever gave you an idea like that?
I don't know, she mumbled, but whenever adults keep stuff secret,
they wind up getting divorced.
Jennie, we're not keeping anything secret. She reached out and touched
her chin, making her face her. I'll tell you the entire truth. Ready?
Uh-huh, she said, looking terribly frightened.
I've been afraid, Jen. The reporters and photographers scare me when they're
right outside my house. Sometimes they scare me so much that I start to panic.
Did you see what happened to me when I was down in North Carolina?
Yeah, she said, looking embarrassed for her friend.
Well, that's what happens. I needed to get away for a while, so I could
learn how to handle it, and I think I've done that. I've been seeing a psychiatrist,
and she's helped me get much more comfortable with having my picture taken constantly.
I'm ready to come home now, buddy.
Are you sure? I don't want you to have any more of those attacks. That scared
me so bad, Ryan.
I don't want to, either, Ryan said. I can't guarantee that I'll
never have one, but even if I do, I think I know how to deal with them better.
I feel pretty good, Jen. I really think I'm ready to go home. Running a
hand through the girl's short hair she asked, How about you? Tell me how
this has affected you.
I have nightmares, she said. I had one
a bad one
last night. I was sleeping on the window seat in Mrs. Evans' room, and I woke
her up.
I'm sure she didn't mind, Ryan said.
Jennie looked up at her with a vaguely puzzled expression. She didn't,
she said quietly. She got up and sat with me, Ryan. She put my head in her
lap and rubbed it until I went back to sleep. With a look filled with wonder,
she added, No one's ever done that for me.
Everyone deserves to have their head rubbed, Ryan said. I'm
glad Catherine showed you how nice it can be. She shifted the sleeping baby
in her arms and placed her back on Jennie's lap. Caitlin needs a little
more cuddling. Do you mind? My arms are getting tired.
No, I don't mind, she said, accepting the heavy bundle. She's
so sweet. She cuddled her against her chest and stroked her wispy blonde
hair.
So are you, Ryan whispered, bending to kiss Jennie's head. I'm
gonna go get us a snack. You are hungry, aren't you?
Always.
Glad to know I haven't forgotten what it's like to be young, Ryan
said. Be right back.
* * * * * * * * * * *
By late afternoon, the party was in full swing. The entire family was gathered
around the pool, by Caitlin's decree, and everyone took turns playing with her.
Jamie and Ryan had spent most of the day in the kitchen, but both insisted that
was their preference, so they were allowed to do as they wished.
How does it feel to have everyone here? Jamie asked during one of
their frequent alone times.
Good, Ryan said decisively. I need a break every half hour or
so, but it's going pretty well. How about you?
I'm good, Jamie said. I feel so much better having my mom in
town, and spending time with her is just what the doctor ordered.
I feel the same about my parents, Ryan sighed. They're pure
comfort for me.
It's a little harder with the boys though, huh?
Not much, Ryan said. They're a little boisterous, and that gets
on my nerves a bit, but that will calm down soon.
That's the attitude. It will all calm down soon.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The next afternoon, Jamie and Ryan saw everyone off, then did a final inspection
of the house before they packed up as well. They were ready to go by 5 p.m., but
Ryan seemed reticent to actually get into the car and leave.
Coming up behind her, Jamie snaked her arms around Ryan's waist and hugged her
close. Having trouble leaving?
Yeah, she said, her voice low and soft. I'm worried about what
awaits us back in the real world.
Jamie turned her around and gazed into her eyes. I don't know about you,
but the most frightening thing for me is facing what's in here. She tapped
her temple with her index finger. Those guys out there are nothing compared
to the monsters I have in here.
Ryan smiled gently, and nodded. I've got a few creepy creatures in my head,
too. I guess you're right, we take them with us wherever we are.
Yeah
but they're getting less creepy all the time.
They are, Ryan said. She wrapped her partner in a tight embrace. You've
been so wonderful to me, Jamie. I know it's been hard for you, and I just hope
you know how much I appreciate that you've been able to let me go at my own pace.
Hey, you're not the only one moving at a glacial pace, Jamie said.
I'm very tentative, too, Ryan, and you've been very understanding of my
needs, also.
We'll get there, baby, the taller woman whispered. It's taking
longer than I have patience for, but we'll get there.
I know we will, Jamie sighed. I have confidence in us.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Well, it didn't take them long to guess where we were going, Ryan
said as they drove by the O'Flaherty home and saw the large assemblage of reporters.
They must have radioed ahead for reinforcements.
You feeling okay? Jamie asked, just a little worried.
Yeah. I'm going to give this my best shot, she said. They found a
parking spot about two blocks up Noe, and by the time they were out of the car,
several reporters had raced up the street. They started to shout their questions,
but Ryan ignored them completely, acting as though they were invisible. Would
you rather carry the suitcases, or clear the way? she asked her partner,
a small smile firmly fixed upon her face.
Let's each carry one, and each use an arm to push our way through,
Jamie said, greatly relieved to have her partner acting so normally. They did
just that, neither woman seeming to pay the slightest attention to the questions,
or the thrusting microphones. Shooting a glance at her partner, Jamie was both
pleased and amazed to see that there wasn't a flicker of anxiety or tension on
Ryan's face. She looked like she was walking down the street all alone, save for
the raised arm with the sharp elbow pointed menacingly at all who dared to come
too close.
They reached the house without serious incident, and as they hit the door, Ryan
opened it wide, allowing Duffy to fly out. He jumped frantically, licking both
Ryan and Jamie, then ran for the pack of reporters who had daringly climbed the
stairs after them. He was so exuberant that he practically knocked them down the
stairs backwards, just as Ryan had hoped. She stood in the doorway, smiling benignly
at the scrambling men, all trying to keep their balance as they walked backwards,
slowly descending the stairs to get away from the frantic pink tongue. As they
departed, she went to the deck railing, a deeply satisfied look on her face. Our
pestilent infestation of reporters is being exterminated in a very efficient manner,
she intoned, sparing a glance at her partner. As soon as the dog neared the sidewalk,
she called to him, and he turned and flew back up, his tail wagging fiercely.
The dog ran into the house after them, squealing with delight. I think he
missed us, Jamie observed dryly, as the dog caught Ryan flatfooted and knocked
her onto her butt. He was licking her so frantically that Ryan was completely
unable to defend herself, and Jamie made the ultimate sacrifice and joined her
on the floor, letting Duffy spread his love between them equally.
You do love me, Ryan said, as Duffy started to work on her ear.
Yep, I do, Jamie said. I'll gladly sacrifice myself to keep
you safe.
Ryan reached out and grabbed her, wrapping her in the protective cocoon of her
long arms and legs, effectively blocking Duffy from reaching her. And I'll
do the same for you, she sighed heavily, thoroughly relieved to be back
home.
* * * * * * * * * * *
They were still on the floor when Conor, Rory and Kevin came in a few minutes
later, and Duffy immediately relinquished his attentions on the girls to take
off after the men of the family. Are you sure your Uncle Patrick took Duffy
to his house? Jamie asked. The dog acts like he's been locked in
the closet for three days.
Well, Ryan said, getting to her feet and pulling her partner with
her, he's got food and water, and there's a message in Uncle Patrick's hand
saying he brought him home at 8 o'clock. She slapped her hand with the paper
and said, I guess it could be an elaborate ruse. Duffy, were you in the
closet? The big dog just stared at her, ears up, pink tongue hanging out.
He won't talk, as usual, Ryan said. The darned dog's as hard
headed as I am.
Oh, surely not! Jamie cried, flinging herself at her partner, knocking
her onto the sofa.
Ryan rolled over and straddled her waist, pinning her arms at the same time. You're
starting to take after Duffy! she cried. What's gotten into you?
He must have gotten me wired up, the smaller woman said. Plus,
running the gauntlet of reporters got my blood pumping, too.
You did great, Ryan said.
You're the one who did great, Jamie said. You acted like you
couldn't even hear them!
I couldn't. I just decided they weren't there, and I focused all of my energies
on getting down the street. I was staring at the ground so intently that I could
almost see the individual molecules of sand, cement and aggregate that made up
the concrete.
Lord, I wish I could concentrate like that! I heard every stupid question,
but I stayed calm because you were calm.
That's how we balance each other out, Ryan said. If I was freaked,
you would have been calm. It's what we do, she said softly, a gentle smile
on her face.
* * * * * * * * * * *
They hadn't been home for ten minutes when Jamie's cell phone rang. When
are you coming home? Mia asked crossly. I'm lonesome!
Hi, sweetie! We'll be home in the morning. Can't wait to see you. I was
really sorry you couldn't come down to the beach this weekend.
I was too, but I had to go see my parents. I missed 'em, but seeing all
of their pictures of Rome made me glad I didn't go with. I swear, they were at
some church or another the whole time! For a fallen-away Catholic, my mom's sure
a church nut!
The churches in Rome are as architecturally and artistically interesting
as they are religious, Jamie said.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Mia said. And this eye
doesn't like to behold churches!
* * * * * * * * * * *
It felt odd to be back in their bed, and Jamie had to struggle to avoid feeling
jealous of Duffy. The happy dog was being cuddled fiercely by his mistress, and
Jamie longed for just a tenth of the affection Ryan was lavishing on him. But
she reminded herself that Ryan was doing her very best, and tried to be grateful
that the dark woman had some means of getting the physical attention that she
needed.
Once they were all comfortable, Jamie took out her book and started to read the
psalms to Ryan. Much to her pleasure, the blue eyes fluttered closed after just
a few minutes, and soon all three inhabitants of the bed were sound asleep.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The next morning, Ryan spent a good fifteen minutes talking Conor out of taking
the day off to go to school with her. I'm fine, she said. Really,
Con. I have some techniques to deal with the stress now. I'm sure I'll be fine.
But I took you to school the last time you were scared, he said.
Conor, that was my first day of kindergarten, she said. I've
matured a little since I was four.
Are you sure you don't want me to go with you? I really don't mind.
Yes, I'm sure, bro. It's gonna be a little rough, but I'll be fine. And
if anyone gives me a hard time, I'll just tell them that my big brother's gonna
come and beat 'em up!
I will, Ryan, he said, giving her a completely serious look. I
don't take kindly to people causing trouble for my little sister.
I know, she said, ruffling his hair affectionately. You go on
to work. If I need you, I'll page you.
Okay. He finally relented, leaving just as Jamie came upstairs. I'll
beat up anyone who gives you a hard time, too, Jamie, he called out as he
departed.
That was an odd greeting, the blonde said. Have you talked to
Amanda yet?
Nope. Ryan looked at her watch. I'm talking to her at seven
a.m. and six p.m., every day this week. If the week goes well, we're gonna cut
it down by a few sessions next week. How about you?
I'm gonna see Anna every day, too. We'll probably cut down a bit next week,
as well. She looked at her partner and said, You pay close attention
to make sure you're getting what you need over the phone, okay? We can find you
someone local if it isn't working for you.
I know. Amanda said the same thing. She's really looking out for my best
interests, honey.
That's why I like her, Jamie said. I've got to get going now.
You don't mind taking your motorcycle, do you?
No. I'll be able to use the carpool lane, so leaving late won't be so bad.
She wrapped her arms around her partner and said, Are you okay with going
alone? I could talk to Amanda on my cell phone if you need me to be with you.
I'm fine, sweetheart. I know you'll worry, so walk me down to the car, okay?
Like you could stop me, Ryan said. Duffy! Come on, boy. Time
for a little walk. The big dog came scampering over, wagging his tail enthusiastically.
Ryan reached down and patted his head, saying, Now don't be shy about saying
hello to all of the nice men outside. They particularly like it when you jump
up on them really hard at about groin level. Smiling at Jamie,
she reported, Your escort is ready!
* * * * * * * * * * *
When she entered the Berkeley house, Ryan's mouth gaped open in surprise. The
table by the front door was piled a foot high with mail, Jamie's penchant for
shopping via catalog finally catching up with her. When she pushed the mail to
one side, she saw sticky notes lining the entire table no less than fifty
of the 2 x 3 inch notes covering the surface. The early ones bore Mia's somewhat
sloppy cursive writing detailing the caller and their message, but the ones received
last night bore pithy comments like, Some asshole reporter called
1 a. fucking m. Oh-oh, Mia's reached her limit.
Heading into the kitchen, Ryan spotted the grumpy woman eating a bowl of cereal.
Her curly head tilted up and she said, Good thing for you that I love you
two. The fucking phone is about to drive me mad. She gave Ryan a half smile
and got up, giving her a big hug. I missed you.
I missed you, too, Ryan said, holding on to her for a long time. We'll
pay your cell phone bill for the month, so go ahead and use it exclusively. Until
this dies down, we just won't answer the main number. She took the handset
off the wall phone and tossed it into the trash. Good riddance.
How are you feeling about being back at school, buddy? You okay?
Well, to be honest, I'm a little freaked out. I wish Jamie had been able
to be with me this morning so we could walk to school together. I'm doing better
but I'm still a little afraid that I'll deck someone. She shook her
head and said, I'm honestly afraid that I'll break Cassie's head open if
I see her. I hope to God she's got the sense to run if she catches sight of me.
Uhm
are you guys still trying to avoid looking at the news?
Yeah. We're totally out of the loop. Why?
Well, something happened while you were gone that you should know about.
Now what?
Well
someone from your team talked to the tabloids, Ryan. They said
you had some kind of a meltdown when you returned from the Bahamas
Oh, fuck. Ryan sat down, looking like she was going to be sick. Those
dirty motherfuckers!
Uhm
your coach called right after it happened, and I talked to her
for a long time. She seemed strangely
nice, she said.
Yeah, she's not so bad. What did she have to say?
She said that she was going to try to find out who ratted you out, and then
kick them off the team. She sounded very upset about the whole thing, Ryan. She
seemed to really care about you.
Yeah
I think she does. Ryan shook her dark head and said, I
think I know who talked and I have a feeling that she was in cahoots with
a certain soon-to-be-deceased former roommate of yours.
Mia stood up and walked over to give Ryan a hug. I'm going to walk you over
to school, babe. There are too many people on your shit list for you to wander
around unescorted.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan gathered the phone messages and read through them as she and Mia walked along.
Noting that a reporter from the Daily Californian had called repeatedly, she asked,
Gee, I wonder what he wants? Does this guy really think I'm gonna turn down
big bucks from the tabloids to give him an exclusive story? You know damn
well that the school would sell the rights to the story to the highest bidder.
They must think I just crawled out of the potato patch.
* * * * * * * * * * *
By the time Jamie got to the practice range from her car, she had been hugged
and squeezed so many times, she was certain she'd have bruises. All of her teammates
had called after the ordeal, and a few had even sent personal notes, making her
feel more like a member of the team than ever before. While she limbered up, Scott
came over and said, Just take it slow, Jamie. I'm sure you weren't able
to practice over break, but don't let that worry you.
I was able to practice, she said. We went down to my parents'
home near Carmel, and I was able to play nearly every day. I'm actually feeling
pretty good about my game.
How's Ryan? he asked quietly. I saw what happened when she was
down south for that game
She's better now, Jamie said, smiling. It's been tough for both
of us, but we'll get through it.
Well, if you need anything, like time off from practice, just let me know.
I don't want golf to add to your stress.
It doesn't, she said. Playing golf is a very welcome diversion
for me, Scott. It got me through some tough days over the last weeks.
That's good to hear. Just remember that we're all behind you, Jamie,
he said. Let us know if there's anything you need.
Juliet approached as Scott left. Hi, she said. Are you doing
okay?
Yeah, I am, Jamie said confidently. Did you have a good break?
Yeah. Sure. She shrugged and added, I just played golf. Are
we still on for a round tomorrow?
I am. Two o'clock, right?
That's it. I'll check with the other girls to make sure everyone remembers.
Juliet sauntered off, stopping to chat with several of the other players. Well,
that's the first time some of the freshmen have heard her voice, the blonde
thought. Maybe Juliet is coming out of her shell.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Several times during the day, Ryan wished she had accepted Conor's offer of protection.
She always drew a fair amount of attention on campus her impressive height,
distinctive good looks, and having played two varsity sports making her stand
out. But today, she was drawing more attention than she was comfortable with.
She had been followed from home, a small pack of reporters jogging along behind
her and Mia. Of course, she would not speak, or even make eye contact, but the
same could not be said for her classmates. When Ryan left her first class, a reporter
was interviewing some joker who Ryan had never seen before in her life. She heard
the young man voicing an opinion about her, nonetheless, commenting that he had
always found her to be aloof and standoffish. She was on the verge of grabbing
him by the shirt and showing him that he might prefer her being standoffish, when
Mia bounded back up to her and gave her a hug and a kiss. The flashes popped as
the photographers stopping focusing on the young man and switched to Mia. What
the fuck? she said, shielding her eyes with a raised hand.
You don't mind being in the tabloids as the new woman I'm having my evil
way with, do you?
Well, I think I'd better warn my parents, but other than that, I think it's
an honor, she said. I just ran over to ask if you want to have lunch
with Jamie and her mom. You don't have your cell phone turned on.
Oops ... can't afford to do that, Ryan said, and quickly switched
the device on. I've got to scoot, Mia, will you call Jamie and tell her
I can't make it? I'm going to meet with my independent study advisor during lunch.
Tell her I love her, though, okay?
You love her more than you love me? Mia said loudly, feigning outrage,
then began to laugh heartily when the reporters scrambled for their notepads.
This is fun! she said, chuckling as she departed.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie and Catherine sat on matching Adirondack chairs under the shade of a massive
magnolia tree, eating the delightful lunch that Marta had prepared for them. By
exiting through the back of her classroom, Jamie had been able to elude the sole
reporter who had decided to tag along with her, and she was relaxed and happy,
although very chilly, during their meal.
I'm simply amazed at how well you're taking all of this, honey, Catherine
said.
Well, there are a lot of things about the ordeal that are still bothering
me, Jamie said, but the reporters don't upset me. They really haven't
had much impact on me from the start. It doesn't seem like a big deal, for some
reason.
But Ryan doesn't feel that way, does she?
No. They bother her a lot, but much less now than they did at first. She's
a very private person, Mom, and she hates to have to censor her behavior in public.
I can certainly understand that, Catherine said. I'm glad to
hear that it's getting a little easier for her.
That part is, Jamie said. But she's still very, very shaky.
She's still talking to her therapist twice a day, and I think that's going to
have to continue for a while. Her sleep is still very spotty, and her appetite's
not really returned, either. Things are a long way from normal for us. Her
head shook slowly as she gazed at her lunch with a resigned look on her face.
Tell me what else is bothering you, honey, Catherine said, I
know something is.
Uhm
I don't think this is the kind of thing you want to hear about,
Jamie muttered. It's ah
kinda personal.
I don't mind. If you need to talk, I'm very willing to hear you out.
I don't know if it helps to talk about it or not, she said. It's
just
we're not
uhm
Ryan and I are having trouble being
close, and it's really wearing on me.
Close like
sexually close? Catherine asked gently.
Chuckling softly, Jamie said, Oh, we're a long, long way from being sexual.
We're just at the point now where I can hold her for a short while each day. The
rest of our physical relationship is just a dream for now. She even changes clothes
in her room and showers alone.
Catherine reached out and grasped her hand, Oh, Jamie, I'm so sorry to hear
that. I know how much it means to you both to express your love. I thought that
things would start becoming more normal if you slept together. I thought your
bodies would just naturally move together during the night.
No, that hasn't happened, she sighed. I know that we'll get
it back, Mom; I'm confident of that. I just worry that it's going to be really,
really difficult for Ryan. I'm afraid that it will take a very long time, and
I don't want her to get too frustrated if it does.
It sounds like Ryan's got more of an issue than you do, Catherine
opined. Is that so?
A bit, yeah, I'd say that's true, Jamie said. I've been thinking
about this a lot, and I think we're having different reactions because we approach
sex so differently.
Catherine just cocked her head, encouraging Jamie to continue if she wished.
You know how intense Ryan is, right? Jamie asked.
Yes, dear, I've seen her in action. She is the soul of intensity.
Right, Jamie said. Well, she's very, very intense when we make
love. Giving her mother a quizzical look, Jamie asked, Are you sure
it's okay to talk about this?
Yes, absolutely, Catherine said. After our talks in Rhode Island,
I've become shock resistant.
Jamie smirked at her and continued. Ryan's whole thing is to show me as
much of herself as she can possibly reveal. She consciously tries to take down
every barrier. Every time we make love, she tries to show me what's in her heart.
She smiled wistfully. She bares her soul to me, Mom.
Catherine smiled wistfully and said, That sounds wonderful.
Oh, it is, Jamie said. It's such a gift. But when she's feeling
wounded and frightened like she is now she's unable to be close at all.
It's like she's either fully revealed or fully shielded. There's no middle ground
with her do you know what I mean?
Yes, I think so, Catherine said. I take it that you're not the
same way Ryan is.
No, not at all, Jamie said. Like I said, Ryan tries to be 100%
present when we're being intimate. She keeps those big, blue eyes locked onto
me like we're sharing the same DNA. I, on the other hand, lose myself completely
when we're close. My brain shuts off, and I just let the sensations take over.
I mean, she said, I know that it's Ryan making love to me, but I don't
really experience her very much I experience the sensations.
So while Ryan is being so painfully intimate, and risking so much
I'm just floating along on this sensual cloud hardly aware of what's going
on around me. She laughed briefly, then continued. Sometimes I can
really be connected, and allow myself to be as vulnerable as she is. She
sighed. Our lovemaking is incredibly moving when that happens, but usually
we're almost on different planes. Thankfully, it works quite well for us. It's
just when we're having trouble like now that the difference in our
styles is so obvious. I could easily get carried away if Ryan started to touch
me
but she can't risk being touched or touching me, because she feels too
vulnerable.
Does she realize this, Jamie? Do you talk about this?
Not much, she said. I don't want to bring it up at this point
at least not in any detail. She feels really broken, Mom, and I don't want
to make it worse. She's so very fragile right now. She shook her head and
fought to hold back the tears. I just want to support her.
Jamie, Catherine said, I can see how hard this is right now,
but it's so obvious how much you love each other. I'm sure that getting through
this will make your relationship just that much stronger.
Her cell phone rang, and Jamie answered quickly. Hello?
Hi. I got finished with my meeting early. Are you still having lunch?
Yeah. Come on over. We've got plenty left.
Will do. Are you in our usual picnic spot?
Noooo
she said. I'd play hide and seek, but you'd never
find us.
Do tell, Ryan said.
We're in the back yard of University House, Jamie said, and waited
for her partner's reaction.
Uhm
honey
? Why are you in the Chancellor's back yard?
I'll tell you when you get here. Hurry up, Tiger.
Jamie smiled at her mom and said, She's coming over to join us.
Seeing how your face lights up when you hear her voice says volumes about
your bond, Jamie. This will all work out in the end.
I hope so, Mom. I miss her. She gave her mother a small smile and
said, I didn't see her get dressed today, but if she's in her normal winter
attire, you're going to think she's gone mad.
Why's that, honey?
Well, she hates the fact that most of the classrooms are heated. She's antagonistic
to artificial heat. Heck, she doesn't even like to have the furnace on unless
you can see your breath in the house. Ryan's a firm believer that a cool house
is a very good thing. Anyway, she'd rather be cold than hot, so she dresses so
she's comfortable in the heated classroom. In my opinion she looks more than a
little odd
Catherine twitched her head as she caught sight of a mass of dark hair flying
in the breeze as Ryan scampered along the path, panting slightly. Did you
run the whole way? Catherine asked when the pink-cheeked woman gave her
a kiss and sat next to Jamie.
Yep, she said, kicking her feet out. Ryan had on a snug, short-sleeved,
navy blue knit shirt and a pair of khaki-colored cargo shorts an outfit
that would have been perfectly suited for a 70 degree day. But it was around 50
degrees, heavily overcast, and breezy, with a decided threat of rain. To provide
a little more warmth to her extremities, she also had on her bright yellow sleeveless
fleece vest, a navy blue knit cap, heavy socks, and a pair of hiking boots.
Patting her exposed knee, Catherine said, You look like you're getting ready
to hike up in the Alps on a warm spring day. Aren't you cold?
Nah. Running over here will have heated me up enough to last through lunch.
Are you pressed for time? Catherine asked. Or do you just like
to run everywhere you go?
No, not really. I was just trying to ditch the reporter that's been on my
that's been following me. I lost him in the geology building. I hope he
trips on a geode, and breaks his neck.
You don't seem to have warmed up to the fellows much, Catherine said.
Nope. They're vermin. The legitimate press is long gone. Now we're stuck
with the bottom-feeders. She looked around the massive, beautifully tended
garden that gracefully followed the slope of a gentle hill. Okay, I showed
up. Now who wants to tell me why we're here?
I had a meeting with the Chancellor this morning. I told him that I'd brought
a picnic lunch, and he suggested that we use his yard. Nice, isn't it?
It is, Ryan said. But your explanation is less than fully revealing.
I didn't know you had a relationship with the U.C. I thought you were Stanford
all the way.
I have been, up until now, Catherine said. I just thought it
was time to meet the Chancellor.
Ryan narrowed her gaze and crossed her arms over her chest. Spill it, Catherine.
That Mona Lisa smile isn't gonna cut it.
Patting her leg, Catherine said, It's no big deal, Ryan. I wanted to make
sure the university was prepared to deal with any security issues that might arise.
I wanted the Chancellor to know that if we didn't like the way things were going,
we would hire our own security people.
Well, what did he say? she asked.
He said he'd work with us to make sure you two were protected. She
looked at both young women and asked, How is it going, so far? Are the reporters
bothering you?
Not much, Ryan said. They seem to be concentrating on getting
my erstwhile classmates to talk about me, since I won't speak. Oh, I took our
phone off the hook, Jamie. There were so many people calling that Mia was starting
to lose her sense of humor, and that's always dangerous.
No problem, she said. I only want to talk to people who know
my cell number, anyway.
I think things will be all right, Catherine, Ryan said. I don't
think you need to call the dogs out.
All right, dear, but you just let me know if it starts to bother you. We
have options.
Will do.
Catherine watched as Ryan took just a few bites of her lunch, then put her fork
down and ignored the tasty meal. Jamie had been watching her as well, and she
picked the fork back up and poked around on the plate idly, looking like she was
merely playing. Ryan was concentrating on telling Catherine about her independent
study, and when the fork traveled near her mouth, she opened and let Jamie put
the morsel in. Her response was automatic, and she hardly seemed to notice it
was happening. While they chatted, Jamie continued to feed her, with Ryan compliantly
opening her mouth and chewing every little bite until the plate was clean.
The concern and care that radiated from the smaller woman was obvious, and Catherine
smiled repeatedly at the scene. She was unable to ignore that something was different,
however. She had actually seen Jamie feed Ryan bits of food on many occasions,
and there was always a teasing, sexual undertone to the habit. She often looked
away when they were doing it finding the practice just a little too intimate
for her own comfort. But that element was entirely absent today. Now Jamie seemed
more like a nurse trying to unobtrusively get her ailing patient to take in sufficient
nutrients. Instead of the easy comfort they normally evinced there now seemed
to be an invisible barrier between them even though they smiled warmly
at each other, and teased each other gently. There was just something missing
and she fervently hoped that the two young lovers would soon rekindle the
spark. I know only too well how easy it is to let a problem fester until it's
impossible to be close again.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Part 9
When Ryan came home from school, she went upstairs and found Jamie sitting at
her computer. Homework already? she asked, squeezing her shoulder.
No, not much. I'm just working on my schedule. I've got a lot going on this
term. I've really got to manage my time.
Ryan nodded, then sat on the edge of the bed, looking a bit uncomfortable. I
uhm
have a couple of things to talk with you about.
Turning in her chair, Jamie gave her full attention to her partner. What
is it, baby?
Uhm
Mia told me that another tabloid story came out. This one has
your ex-roommate's nasty fingerprints on it, too, but it sounds like she's working
with one or two of my very best friends from the basketball team.
Oh, God, Jamie groaned. Now what?
Well
this is the part that I'm embarrassed about.
Embarrassed? What do you have to be embarrassed about?
I'm embarrassed because I didn't tell you something that happened when we
returned from our vacation. Something kinda important.
Swiveling slightly in her chair, Jamie gazed at her partner and nodded. Go
on. Tell me now.
I had kind of a meltdown on the day we came back from the Bahamas.
Blonde eyebrows rose dramatically, but Jamie didn't say a word.
Coach Hayes told me about the tabloids, and I
flipped out. I started
kicking and punching the lockers, and throwing stuff around. She looked
down at the floor and said, I've never been that angry in my life. I scared
myself, baby, and I think I scared the crap out of Coach Hayes, too. I'm not sure
what I did, because I had some sort of a blackout, but I wound up on the floor
with Coach wrapped around me.
Again, Jamie didn't speak, but she got off her chair and sat next to Ryan, wrapping
her arms around her partner tightly. What happened, then? she asked
softly.
She told me that I couldn't come back until a doctor cleared me to play
again. I think she was afraid that I was losing my mind, Ryan said, her
voice nearly inaudible.
Pulling back, Jamie cradled Ryan's face in her hands and lifted it until their
eyes met. You were never in danger of that, sweetheart. With all of the
stress you've been under, a little incident like that is perfectly understandable.
It scared me, and it humiliated me, Ryan said quietly. The other
players all saw it, and now the whole fucking world knows about it.
Oh, Ryan, I'm so sorry that came out. That's just horrible for you.
You're not mad at me for not telling you when it happened? Ryan asked,
her eyes a little watery.
Of course not. That was a horrible time. You had so much going on in your
sweet little head, I don't blame you for not wanting to talk about it.
Thanks, Jamie, she said softly. I really try to be completely
honest with you, but sometimes
I just can't make myself talk about certain
things.
I understand. I really do. Please, don't worry about this. We're fine, love.
We're just fine. She stroked her head for a few more moments, then asked
the question that she was a little wary of bringing up. How are you dealing
with your feelings about the people who are behind these stories, Ryan?
The larger woman took in a shaky breath. Not well. Amanda's doing her best
to help me get past my rage, but it's honestly not going very well. Mia made a
joke out of walking me to school today, but I was really glad she did. I need
to have a cool head nearby in case I see any of those traitors. I don't trust
my reaction.
Ryan, Jamie said looking into her eyes. I want you to promise
me that you won't assault any of them if you see them. I don't mind paying off
a lawsuit, but you couldn't stand the stress right now, honey. Please, please
try to control yourself for your own good.
I'll try, she murmured. I promise I'll try.
* * * * * * * * * * *
On Tuesday afternoon, Jamie waited by the starter's window at Tilden Golf Course,
the main public course for the City of Berkeley. It was a nice enough course,
well laid out and quite picturesque. But like nearly all public courses, it was
crowded at almost every hour of the day, and play was often grindingly slow.
She and Juliet had been able to convince 6 other women to join them, and the starter
looked at his waiting list, while shaking his head. If your group's not
here on time, I can't guarantee how long you'll have to wait, honey.
She gave him a tight smile, not really liking to be called honey by a stranger.
However, he was an elderly stranger, and she generally tried to make allowances
for the elderly, figuring that the world had been a very different place when
they were growing up. They should be here soon, she said. You
know how it is with students.
Oh, right, you're the girls from the golf team at Cal. Well, I'll figure
out a way to get you on, even if they're late. Maybe I can sneak you onto the
tenth hole.
We'd appreciate that, she said sincerely. It's very tough to
find the time to play a round with the days so short.
She heard the clacking of golf cleats coming down the path at a very brisk pace.
Turning, she dramatically pointed to her watch and said, We're up, guys.
Move it!
Her teammates were really hustling, and each woman signed in quickly. We
had to get the shuttle to drive us, Juliet panted. I'm the only one
with a car.
We had a better set-up at my high school, Jamie grumbled. Her grumpy
mood only lasted a moment, though, when she saw two pairs of eyes looking up at
her. She mentally cringed when she reminded herself that the whole point of this
exercise was to reach out and try to make this group into a team. Sorry,
she said, shrugging her shoulders. PMS.
The group trudged over to the first tee, each of them choosing to carry their
bags. They were allowed to have caddies for their tournaments, but Jamie found
that carrying her own bag helped make a round of golf at least approach exercise.
The eight-some was made up of her, Juliet, the two freshman Lauren Takuta
and Samantha Naylor, and four juniors Annalina Nilsson, Jaclyn Stamp, Crystal
Bolwig, Valerie Monroe and Christie Harwood. Jamie had spent almost no time with
any of the women, and since the point was to get to know them, she assumed that
Juliet would play with one foursome, and she would play with the other. But Juliet
obviously didn't share that idea. She pointed at each of the juniors and said,
Why don't you guys go ahead? You look ready.
They nodded agreeably and teed off, taking off down the fairway after each of
them had hit. Juliet waited a respectable amount of time, tugged her visor down
so that only her nose was visible, and gave her ball a long ride, grunting slightly
with the effort. Nice, Jamie said. But Juliet couldn't see her smile,
and it was clear that she was already in her zone. She merely nodded and went
to stand by her bag, arms crossed over her chest, her tee clutched between her
teeth.
Lauren and Samantha were nearly as reluctant to speak as Juliet was, but their
issue seemed to be nervousness more than their need to concentrate. Even though
Jamie was only 3 years older than the young women, she felt old enough to be their
mother, since both of them seemed very young for their age, and painfully shy.
Jamie tried her best, but she was unable to spark the slightest bit of spontaneous
conversation within the group. They all gave a polite review of each shot, usually
along the lines of nice one, good shot, or tough
break, but beyond that, conversation was nil.
That changed dramatically when Jamie missed badly with her tee shot on the 8th
hole. The ball landed in a small stand of pine trees, most of them relatively
short about 12 to 15 feet tall, with one substantially larger one
which Jamie had a bad feeling she was right behind. She started to trudge over
to see how much trouble she was in, but before she got there Juliet was trotting
up alongside of her. You blocked that one badly, she said.
I thought so, Jamie agreed. I don't do that a lot, but I didn't
end up in my normal finishing position, so I figured I'd blocked it.
Let's see what you've got, Juliet said, her voice showing definite
signs of excitement.
They approached the ball, and Jamie tried to see the green from her position.
I might have to just knock it back onto the fairway, she said.
Not so fast. You've got some options here.
I do? Like what?
Well, if you can get it up in a hurry, you can go over that tree right there.
That tree's huge, and it's not 20 feet away! I'd have to hit a pitching
wedge, and then I couldn't carry the green anyway.
No, no, use a 7 wood. Choke up on it and open the face a little. You can
do it.
I don't carry a 7 wood, Jamie said with a frown.
Here. Use mine. Lauren and Samantha won't mind bending the rules a little,
since we're just practicing.
I don't know, Juliet, breaking the 14 club limit's a pretty big crime.
She was smiling warmly, knowing that the stringent rules of golf were not followed
strictly during a practice round.
Juliet extended the club, then watched as Jamie took a practice swing. No,
that's not the right swing. Mind if I show you?
Jamie tried to give the club back, but Juliet said, No, let me show
you. She stood behind the slightly smaller woman and put her arms around
her. Jamie stiffened, feeling just a twinge of unease. Relax, she chided
herself. You've done this dozens of times with lots of other players. Her
mind wandered to the first time she'd taken Ryan to play golf. Thinking of how
her whole body had tingled when she'd wrapped her arms around her, she felt her
discomfort start to flare again. Juliet was holding her as much as she
was holding the club, and her breasts were pressed into Jamie's back more firmly
than she felt they had to be. Juliet's arms were substantially longer than Jamie's,
and she could see that the taller woman wasn't straining to reach the club
so she could have backed up an inch or two. Juliet's lips were nearly touching
her ear, and she nestled up even closer and asked quietly, How's that?
Good, Jamie said, nodding quickly. She moved away and took a few practice
swings, just to calm her racing heart. Striding to her ball, she slowed her heart
and took a smooth swing, managing to fly it over the tree and just reach the fringe
of the green. Dashing out to the fairway, she watched the shot land, her discomfort
forgotten. Each woman making a fist, she and Juliet tapped their clenched hands
together. Thanks! That's a very handy shot!
Now, don't try to use it if the ground is too hard. This works best if you're
on something springy, like pine needles, or fluffy grass.
Got it, Jamie said. You'd better go hit. Lauren and Samantha
are waiting for you.
Juliet rolled her eyes and muttered, Freshmen! then took off to jog
over to her ball.
* * * * * * * * * * *
That night, Ryan was working at her computer when Jamie came out of the bath,
ready for bed. Hey, honey?
Hmm?
How can you tell if a woman's being inappropriate with you?
Ryan's chair turned slowly, then she took off the round, wire-rimmed glasses she
wore when she worked at her computer for a long time. Her dark head cocked and
she asked, Repeat that, please.
You heard me, Jamie said. It's no big deal, but I felt like
Juliet went out of her way to rub up against me today. It reminded me of junior
high, when boys would invent excuses to rub up against the girls. Weird.
Ryan had a pen in her hand, and she tapped her chin with it studiously. Go
on, I sense there's more.
No, not really. She looked down for a moment, then shrugged, Oh,
all right. It reminded me of the time I took you to play golf for the first time.
I got a real tingle when I was showing you how to swing. I didn't want to ever
let go, and I was hoping Juliet wasn't feeling the same way.
What's her orientation? Ryan asked. Is she a lesbian?
I have no earthly idea, Jamie said. All I know is that she gets
mildly excited by trouble shots. I don't think that's a sexual orientation, though.
Ryan was scowling as she swiveled a little in her chair. She knows you're
gay, right?
Blind and deaf cloistered nuns know I'm gay, Jamie said dryly, raising
an eyebrow. You'd have to have been living under a rock not to have seen
any of the tabloids. A barista at Starbucks winked at me yesterday, and I don't
think it was because she liked the way I placed my order.
I'm gonna have to start following you, Ryan said. I don't like
to have other women hitting on my girl.
Oh, please, Jamie said. If I got upset every time someone flirted
with you, I'd wear myself out. I get 1 wink for every 20 you get, hot stuff.
I don't get that many winks, Ryan said. A lot of women just
have eye problems. The weather is very dry here, you know.
Jamie gave her an aggrieved look, then said, Back to my question. What do
I do about Juliet? Just assume she's a physical person?
Ryan gave her a narrowed glance and said, I'm coming to your practice tomorrow.
I want to meet this Juliet character.
You most certainly will not!
Huh? Why not? I've never been to a practice, and now that I don't have to
study for my math test, I have time to do it.
No way, Ryan. You've had plenty of opportunities to watch practice, but
you haven't done so. I will not let you show up the first time I suspect that
someone's tried to cop a feel.
Cop a feel! I thought she just brushed up against you!
She was showing me how to hit a particular shot, honey. She had her arms
around me, and she was pressed up against me more than she needed to be. That's
all. She didn't grab my ass or anything. I was exaggerating really.
Ryan stood and came over in front of her partner, then turned around. Show
me, she said.
Oh, Ryan, it was no big deal
Show me. She enunciated very clearly, making Jamie realize that she
wasn't kidding in the least.
With a sigh, Jamie wrapped her arms around Ryan, bending over her in as close
a recreation of the event as she could manage. Then, just because she was feeling
feisty, she pressed her pelvis against her partner's ass, grabbed her hips and
pulled her back against herself, sliding her hand down between her legs to give
her a good squeeze.
Jesus! Ryan whirled around and stared at her partner, her mouth
gaping open.
Just as she did so, Jamie added, Exactly! And when I whirled around, she
did this! She reached out and gave each of Ryan's breasts a tweak, then
ran from the room yelling, Kidding!
When Ryan scampered down the stairs and caught partner in the kitchen, she gave
her a scowl that quickly turned into an aggrieved smile. Look, Jamie, this
is too weird. Why can't I come check this woman out?
Because I don't need supervision.
Me? You think I'm trying to supervise you? I don't do that!
You'd be stuck to me like glue, and you know it. Jamie wrapped her
arms around Ryan's waist, giving her such a warm smile that the larger woman couldn't
maintain her grumpy mood.
Well
Ryan said, smiling slyly, you're a very precious
commodity, and I do like to safeguard my investments.
This investment is self-regulating. I'll call you when I need to bring in
the muscle.
I know you can take care of yourself, babe, I just don't trust other women.
I know how alluring you are, Jamie. You can't blame the poor fools.
Thank you, Ryan, she said. You've stroked my ego enough for
one night. Coming to bed?
In a few. I'm just trying to figure out one little thing.
Uh-huh, she said, having heard that excuse before. Kiss me when
you come to bed, okay?
You've got it, babe. Love you.
I love you, too, Ryan. Don't stay up too late, okay?
Do my best, she said, promising nothing.
* * * * * * * * * * *
On Thursday morning, Jim called Jamie, catching her just as she was returning
from golf practice. Honey, I have a proposal, he said gravely. I'd
appreciate if you hear me out before you respond. All right?
Uhm
sure, Daddy. What is it?
I know you and Ryan don't want to speak publicly, but the statement the
public relations firm put out didn't help a bit. The situation has gotten out
of hand, Jamie. Every day there's something new, and I'm afraid this will continue
until they've dug up every piece of dirt they can.
You know, she said, we've stopped watching TV or listening to
local radio, so I honestly don't know what's going on. We decided as a family
to have a news blockade. No one is watching so we're really not very affected
by it.
Hmm
I uhm
don't know if you want to know this, but I'm sure
Ryan will find out, he said, with just a touch of hesitation in his voice.
Go ahead, she said wearily. What now?
It seems that Jennie's mother has sold out, honey. There's a big story in
the National Inquisitor detailing her concerns about the influence Ryan has on
her daughter, and how she didn't know about Ryan's tainted background. He
pulled the phone from his ear as his child let loose a string of profanities that
actually made him blush. Have you served a stint in the Navy that I didn't
know about? he finally asked, his head still reeling.
I'm sorry, Daddy, I'm just on my last nerve here. We've got to do something!
That's why I called, honey. I have an idea
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan sat in the kitchen, her face composed and alert. She let Jamie talk, not
interrupting until she was sure she was finished, then slowly nodded her head.
It's okay with me, she said decisively.
Really? She had been almost certain that Ryan would not approve of
her father's plan, and her surprise at her partner's ready acceptance of the idea
was obvious.
Yes. I'm out of ideas, and now that the tabloids are involved, people will
continue to come out of the woodwork to grab their filthy lucre.
Okay, Jamie said, still amazed. I'll call Daddy.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Later that afternoon, just before Ryan had to leave for her last class, they went
into Mia's room and turned on C-SPAN to watch Jim in action. As he took his place
before the microphone, Jamie turned to her partner and said, He looks cute,
doesn't he?
Ryan gave her a warm smile and said, That's just what I was thinking.
Were not, Jamie said.
Maybe not, Ryan said, but he looks a lot like you, so he's plenty
cute in my book.
Shhh! He's talking!
He looked up from his notes and at the rostrum, directing his remarks to the front
of the room even though the chamber was empty. He was making his statement
during a time in the senate schedule known as members' remarks. Senators
who wanted to have their comments entered into the record could either submit
them in writing, or stand up and make a speech. Not coincidentally, since the
advent of C-SPAN broadcasting the affairs of the senate, most members chose to
have their comments broadcast. The camera always focused just on the senator,
keeping the shot tight so it wasn't obvious that they were either alone, or had
just a few aides running around bringing them notes.
Jim began, Recently, members of my family have been involved in an event
that has captured the attention of the nation. The incident was very upsetting
for my family and the other families involved, and everyone connected to what
happened has chosen not to speak to the press about the matter. Their decision
has not wavered, nor will it. No one involved will speak to the press now, or
later, and that has been made clear through every possible avenue. I will not
go against that decision today, or any time in the future, but I do have something
to say about the entire experience.
Without going into detail, let me just say that my family members were thrust
into the spotlight through no choice of their own. They were involved in an incident
in which they were blameless not seeking the spotlight or renown in any
way, even though they could have exploited the situation for a great deal of money
and fame if they had chosen to do so.
Neither their innocence nor their fierce desire for privacy has stopped
the media from hounding these people to distraction. Now, as a Democrat and a
fervent proponent of the First Amendment, I am, and will remain, a staunch supporter
of a free press. I could propose laws and regulations that would give people in
this situation some zone of safety. But I don't intend to do that. What I am asking
for
no
what I am begging for
is for the press to behave in
a responsible manner.
These people are not criminals
rather, they are heroes, in my estimation.
But they are not being treated like heroes. They have been held up to more scrutiny
more suspicion than a hardened criminal would be. We have gone astray here,
in my opinion, when we torture people just because they maintain their right to
privacy. That is the only crime these people have committed they demanded
to be left alone. Now every small-minded, publicity-seeking mercenary with any
connection to them whatsoever is crawling out of the woodwork, trying to earn
a few dollars of blood money at their expense. How is that representative
of a free press?
I ask for the press to call a halt to this harassment, and I ask the public
to write and call your local media outlet and demand that they stop the constant
persecution of innocent people, just to fill a time slot on the evening news.
I ask this not just for the members of my family, but for every person who finds
themself in such a situation. This type of thing happens with startling frequency,
and in my opinion, the only way to stop it is to convince our local and national
media that we will not tolerate it.
I beg you, don't allow the media to destroy the lives and reputations of
innocent people. Where will this country be if no one is willing to step up and
help others, just because they know they will be hounded by the press once they
do so? I see that as a real threat, and I stress that the only viable way to thwart
that threat is to let the media know that we will not stand for it any longer.
Make the world a safe place for heroes once again!
He looked right into the camera, snapped his notes sharply on the podium, and
walked off. Jamie stared at her partner and said, God, he did a great job.
Ryan smiled at her and said, He did indeed.
Jamie looked at her partner quizzically, and said, Your huge smile says
you're happy about more than his speech.
He called me a member of his family, Ryan said, her nose wrinkling
up in pleasure. That's cool!
Jamie smiled at her fondly, pushing the long hair from her eyes. I swear,
Ryan O'Flaherty, you could be the poster child for family values. She leaned
in and kissed her soundly, adding, I love that about you.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Hello, Jim, Catherine said when her husband answered the phone in
his office.
Hi, he replied, and she could actually visualize the expression on
his face. It was a cross between boyish shyness and pride in doing what he knew
was a very good thing.
You did very well today, Jim, she said softly. I know it meant
a lot to Jamie and to Ryan, as well as to me. I know it wasn't easy to speak about
Ryan as a member of your family, but it was the right thing to do.
I know that, he said. It was a little hard to pull off, but
as I began to speak, I started to believe my own words, he said quietly.
She is a member of our family
whether I chose to invite her or not.
Jamie's chosen her, and from all indications, their relationship is going to last
a while.
Quite a while, she amended.
Okay, quite a while. He was quiet for a moment, then screwed up his
courage and asked the question that had been on his mind nearly constantly. What
about ours, Cat? How long will our relationship last?
She sighed heavily and admitted the truth. Not very long, I'm afraid, Jim.
I haven't changed my mind. In fact, being in Italy has made it even clearer to
me. I'm afraid it's over between us.
He bit his lip to keep from crying, and forced himself to say, You've fallen
in love with that man in Italy, haven't you?
She was quiet for a moment, trying to decide how much to reveal to him. Finally
she admitted the truth, I do love him, Jim. I wouldn't have slept with him
if I didn't. She paused again, and said, I've slept with two men in
forty-one years. It's not something I do on a whim. She knew that was a
little harsh, but now that they were being honest with each other she felt her
animosity bubble up occasionally, and she was powerless to stop it.
I know that, Cat, he said softly. You've always understood the
distinction between love and sex.
Yes, she said, I have. Even though I love Giacomo, I know that
I need more than he's able to give me. I decided that I'm going to stop seeing
him, Jim. I need a full-time lover.
I can be that, he piped up immediately. Let me try again, Cat.
Please!
No, Jim, she said, her voice sad, and full of regret. I wish
I could, but I learned something from the incident when I saw you with that girl.
I just don't trust you enough to be vulnerable with you
and if I can't
be totally vulnerable, there's nothing for us to base a relationship on.
There's no possibility that you'll change your mind? he asked quietly.
No. I've filed the papers, Jim, and they've been accepted by the court.
As you know, there's a six-month waiting period until the divorce is final; but
for all intents and purposes, it's over now. She could hear the air leaving
his lungs, and she felt genuinely sorry for him
and for herself.
I never
I never thought it would happen to us, he said, his
voice breaking. I love you, Catherine. I'll always love you.
That might be true, she said softly, but you didn't love me
enough, Jim. You didn't love me enough to say no to the other women.
I know you don't understand this but that was never because I didn't
love you. I just needed sex, Cat. I needed the variety. It's a very different
thing.
Not for me, Jim. It's exactly the same thing. I need a man who understands
that.
I'm sorry, Catherine, he said, his voice wavering again. I wish
I could have been the man you deserved.
She sighed, I must not have been the woman you needed, Jim. If I had been
everything you wanted, I can't imagine that you would have cheated on me.
He cleared his throat, That's not true, Catherine, but I don't have the
ability to explain what motivated me to seek out other women. I'm sure I don't
understand it. It's
it's just a compulsion.
It doesn't matter any more, Jim, she said. For your own good,
it might be wise to figure out why you have such a hard time remaining faithful,
but it doesn't matter between us any longer. We need to move on now. I'm going
to try to do so, and I urge you to, also.
Move on? he said, laughing bitterly. How do you move on when
you've lost your heart?
You can love again, Jim, she said. It's perfectly all right
with me if you want to try again with that young woman. You seemed very fond of
her, she said, feeling a little sick when she thought of the two of them
on the couch in his apartment.
She's a nice woman, he said, but she's just a girl, Catherine.
She doesn't have your depth.
Well, there are plenty of other forty-something women who would love to
snare a handsome, powerful man like you, Jim. You don't have to date girls.
He sighed, This is depressing me too much, Catherine. I'll talk to you soon,
okay?
All right, she said. I'd like to keep in touch, Jim. I think
it's important to maintain a good relationship
It will be nice for Jamie.
Of course, he said quickly, just wanting to hang up and have a drink.
Goodbye, Cat.
Goodbye, Jim, she said as she quietly placed the receiver in the cradle.
She stared at the phone for a long time, fighting the urge to call him back. The
first place her eyes landed was the bar in the living room. With a determined
shake of her head, she went to the hall table, picked up her keys and her purse,
and drove to San Mateo, finding a multi-plex theatre that she had driven Jamie
to when she was young. She bought a ticket for the next movie that was going to
be shown, not even noticing the title. Taking a seat in the back, she stared at
the screen blankly, her tears obscuring the flickering images.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jordan? Ryan, she announced when she reached her friend that evening.
Hey, Boomer! I just got home from going out to dinner, and saw the clips
on the news about Jamie's dad's speech. He did a great job, huh?
Yeah, I was really impressed, Ryan said. I don't know how effective
it'll be, but at least he's trying his best.
I think the O'Flaherty charm has finally won him over, Jordan said.
He referred to you as a member of his family!
I know
We've really made some progress, haven't we?
You sure as heck have. Damn, I remember the first time you told me about
him. You acted like you were afraid he was going to have a contract put out on
you!
Oh, he's not so bad, Ryan said, not willing to admit how much Jim
really had frightened her. He just likes to be in control.
I guess that's why he fits into the Senate so well, huh?
Ryan chuckled lightly, I'm sure he's not the only one in that learned body
who's a control freak. She paused for a moment and said, You know,
deep down, he's not a bad guy. I honestly think he loves Jamie very much, and
I also think he really believed I was out to use her in some way. Once it finally
got through his head that I loved her too, he's been pretty darned nice.
But how can you stand to be around him? Jordan asked quietly. Aren't
you afraid he'll turn on you again?
Mmm
no. To be honest, I'm not. One of the best and bravest things
Jamie ever did was to show him clearly that when he hurts me he hurts her.
He really got the message, Jordan. She laughed softly and said, I
guess Jamie's the one I have to be careful with now. She could sic him on me again.
How are things between you two? Jordan asked. You sure sounded
like hell when I spoke to you in Pebble Beach.
Things are still hellish, Ryan said, but not nearly so bad as
they were then. She sighed and said, It's just tough not to be able
to rely on each other. Usually, when one of us is having a tough time, the other
one is able to be strong and help her through it. But this time, we're both equally
wounded though in slightly different ways. It really sucks, pal. We're
still not comfortable being intimate Hell, I haven't been this uninterested
in sex since I was gay bashed.
Can you at least hold each other when things are tough? Jordan asked.
Sometimes, yeah, Ryan said. But other times, being close feels
like she's a black widow spider and I'm just a helpless little fly. It feels like
she's going to consume me, Jordan. It's just a horrible feeling.
Damn, she sighed. You've told me about how hard it was for you
to get back into the mood after you were bashed. How did you take the leap that
time?
Ryan chuckled, I let a complete stranger pick me up in a used clothing store.
She flirted with me a little, and I took her into the back room and went down
on her before she knew what hit her. She paused and said, I don't
think I ought to try that scheme again.
Well, you could try the same kinda thing but with Jamie, of course.
No, I don't think so, pal. It was the fact that I'd never seen the woman
before, and would likely never see her again, that let me feel free enough to
even make a move. It's the intimacy that I'm afraid of. I just can't stand to
feel that vulnerable. Sighing heavily she added, I ran from true intimacy
with women up until I met Jamie. Losing that with her is just horrible, Jordan.
It's as upsetting as being car-jacked.
You haven't lost it, Ryan. It's just sleeping for a while. You two will
work through this, and you'll be even closer because of it, she said. I'm
sure of it.
My therapist says the same thing. It's just hard to believe when it seems
so elusive. We don't even feel comfortable being naked around each other anymore
and that's just not like me.
It will come back, Ryan. Just trust that your love is stronger than your
fears.
A wide smile settled onto Ryan's face as she mulled the words over in her head.
I like that, Jordan, I really like that. Our love is stronger than our fears.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Kinda cool to both have Fridays off, huh? Jamie asked brightly when
she returned from playing a round of golf the next morning. Wanna do anything
special, or just leave for Noe now?
Ryan cocked her head and thought for a moment, then a smile settled onto her face
as she said, Let's go see your mom. We haven't had much time with her.
Jamie crossed the room and took her partner's face in her hands, giving her a
fervent kiss. You are the most wonderful partner a woman could ever wish
for.
Does that mean you want to go?
It does indeed, Tiger.
Should we call first? Ryan asked.
No, I spoke with her last night. She said she has nothing planned today.
Let's surprise her.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When they arrived, Catherine was both surprised and very glad to see them. She
was dressed in a pair of navy blue wool slacks; very slim fitting and perfectly
tailored, and a cream-colored cashmere turtleneck, with a matching cardigan over
the top. Her hair was perfectly arranged, and she wore a tasteful amount of makeup,
along with a touch of jewelry decorating her throat and ears. When you unexpectedly
came to my house in the morning you saw me in old sweats and a T-shirt,
Ryan said. I was hoping for some of the same.
Mother doesn't own sweats.
No, I don't think I've ever had a pair, Catherine said. This
is about as casual as I get, Ryan.
I'm not complaining, she said. You look great, as a matter of
fact. But even as Ryan said this, she could see the dark circles under her
mother-in-law's eyes, and the lines of stress that seemed to have been carved
into the normally smooth face.
I think I've had better days, Catherine said. Let's go into
the kitchen and tell Marta that we'll be three for lunch.
The cook busied herself making a small snack for Ryan, since lunch was not for
another hour. The dark woman ate it gamely, while protesting, I really don't
have to be fed every ten minutes.
You're too thin, Marta said, reaching over to grab the flesh around
Ryan's waist that refused to budge. See? she said triumphantly.
You tell her, Marta, Jamie said. I've been trying to fatten
her up for two weeks now.
You have a long way to go, Jamie, the cook said appraisingly. I'll
do my best with the lunch.
Ryan and Catherine went out to sit in the sun, even though it was thin and watery
in the winter sky. Jamie lingered in the kitchen for a moment, making some cocoa
to ward off the chill. Ryan reached over and grasped Catherine's hand, looking
her directly in the eye as she did so. How are you, really, Catherine? I
don't see much sparkle in those brown eyes today.
She smiled fondly at her daughter-in-law and nodded her head slightly. I
had a bad night, Ryan. I found out yesterday that the judge accepted my divorce
petition. I had to call Jim last night to tell him.
Is it final? Ryan said with a gulp. Are you divorced?
Not technically. There's a six-month waiting period. But it's the same thing
to me, she said. I told Jim that he's free to start dating again,
and I'm going to try to do the same.
Whew, she said, leaning back in her chair.
Jamie came out just then and asked, What's the whew for?
Ryan looked to Catherine for permission, and quickly gave Jamie the synopsis.
Whew, she said, getting up to hug her mother tenderly. I'm sorry
it had to come to this, Mom, but I know you tried your best.
I think I did, Catherine said. She shook her head and added, Well,
I did the best I could at the time. That's all that I can do.
Jamie took her own seat and sipped at her cocoa for a moment. I take it
that Daddy didn't take the news well.
No, he didn't, Catherine said. He thinks I've chosen Giacomo
over him, but nothing could be further from the truth. She looked at her
daughter and said, I'm going to break up with Giacomo, Jamie. I'm not the
kind of person who can be satisfied by having an affair with a married man.
She shook her head briskly and said, I don't know what came over me to even
attempt it.
But you said that his wife was all right with it, Jamie said.
Catherine shook her head again, giving her daughter a sad smile. It's not
his wife who's the problem, she said. I deserve more than that,
Jamie. I deserve a man's full attention. Accepting Giacomo's divided interest
was the same as being married to your father. I'm sick and tired of settling for
crumbs!
Ryan got out of her chair and squatted in front of her mother-in-law. That
is the most hopeful, positive thing I've ever heard you say. I'm proud of you,
Catherine. She wrapped her in a hug, gently patting her back when the older
woman started to cry. Ryan met Jamie's eyes, and her partner scooted closer and
rubbed her mother's back at the same time Ryan did. Marta came out to call them
to lunch, but went back inside when she saw the tender scene. Lunch can wait,
she decided. That poor woman needs all the love she can get.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Catherine was back in control in just a few minutes, and Marta called them to
lunch. During the meal, Catherine commented, I've been hearing from a large
assortment of relatives, honey. Do you have any interest in hearing about it?
She gave her mother a wry smirk and said, Well, since none of them have
written to me, I can only assume they're unhappy with me.
Only a few of them, Catherine said. I'd bet that you can guess
which ones. The others are unsure of what to say.
Yeah, Hallmark doesn't have a card for, 'Sorry to hear about your being
carjacked'. Much less the 'With deepest sympathies over having the tabloids 'out'
you and your lover'.
The way the tabloids are, that might be a profitable new line for Hallmark,
Catherine said. Outing people does seem to be the current rage, doesn't
it?
Jamie nodded, then said, I'm going to guess that Uncle David, Aunt Patsy,
Uncle Oliver and Aunt Louise are the most upset of the group, right?
Yes, they're
puzzled to say the least. But that doesn't surprise
me. My mother's generation was always very prudish about the sexual arena. At
least they're being consistent.
Something's bothering you, Jamie said. I can tell.
Oh, it's nothing important, Catherine said. She shook her head, then
decided not to hold anything back from her daughter. I got a call from Skip
the other day and, while not saying so pointedly, he implied that you and Trey
were in roughly similar situations.
Pardon? Jamie asked, not getting the reference.
He seems to think that Trey's drug usage and your lesbianism are equivalent,
she said, her eyes narrowed.
That's a stretch.
I'm guessing that you set him straight, Ryan said, seeing the fire
in Catherine's eyes.
I don't think it's possible to do that, Ryan, she said. He's
still in complete denial about Trey's problems. Trey was supposed to be at the
facility for 90 days, then it became 120, and now they're delaying his release
again. I can't think they're keeping him because he's everyone's favorite! And
yet, his father has the nerve to say that he understands what it's like to be
humiliated in front of the family.
Jamie got up and sat on the arm of her mother's chair. Has that thought
ever gone through your head for even the briefest moment? she asked
softly. Have I ever humiliated you, Mom?
No! Not once, Jamie. I'm proud of you, sweetheart, and no matter what our
narrow-minded relatives think, you're the best thing to come out of the Dunlop
line in generations!
Atta girl, Catherine, Ryan said. Give 'em hell!
* * * * * * * * * * *
When they arrived at the O'Flaherty house, Ryan noticed that she'd had her cell
phone turned off again. She switched it back on and saw that she had a number
of messages. The first one was from a stumbling, stuttering Heather. Uhm
Ryan? Hi, it's a
it's Heather
from the volleyball team?
Ryan smiled at Jamie and motioned for her to come closer so she could hear the
message. Uhm
we saw that you're not playing basketball, and Ashley
and I
Ashley Bond
from the volleyball team? Uhm
we thought
you might like to work out with us
you know
just to stay in shape?
Call me
if you want to
you don't have to if you don't
uhm
well, bye.
Ryan was now smirking at the phone, and she waited for the second call to play.
Uhm
my number is 555-1832. There was a pause, and she added,
Uhm
it's Heather
from the volleyball team. Bye.
One of these days, Ryan said, one of these days that girl is
going to get over her nervousness around me.
Uh-huh, Jamie said, always having been confident that Heather's discomfort
with her partner had more to do with a serious crush than mere nervousness.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Hey, guess what? Ryan asked brightly after having returned her phone
calls.
What, love?
Heather and Ashley are going to help tutor Jennie. They understand how busy
I am, and how much worse it will be if I play ball again, and they're going to
help out. Cool, huh?
Indeed, Jamie said. What will they do, come to the house?
We haven't worked out the details yet, but it can all be arranged. I'm really
proud of those two. They've turned out to be great teammates.
What about your current erstwhile teammates? Jamie asked, bringing
up a sore subject. I noticed that for the first time you said 'if' you play
again. That's a switch.
Yeah, it is, she said. Amanda says that she'll talk to coach
if I want to go back. She thinks I can handle the stress at this point. But I
don't think I'm going to do it. I think I'm going to quit.
Just quit? Jamie asked, amazed that her partner would even suggest
such a thing especially after all she'd gone through to hang in this long.
Yeah
just quit. First time for everything, she said, shrugging.
Oh, honey, maybe you should wait a week or two. You've held out this long
what's the rush?
Mmm
there's a little something I might prefer to do, she said,
a ghost of an impish grin settling on her face.
What's up, Tiger? Something is.
Ryan's big blue eyes glittered a bit as she said, Well
it seems my
friend Heather is considering playing softball, and she asked the coach if he'd
work me out to see if he might want me for the team.
What?
I don't know that I'd want to do it, but I hate to have my experience with
the basketball team be my last collegiate sports memory.
Trying to stop herself from rolling her eyes, Jamie asked, Ryan, isn't getting
ready for the AIDS Ride enough for one women?
Not this woman, Ryan said, just a hint of her mischievous smile in
place.
Honey, why is it so important to stress yourself like this?
Jamie, Ryan said, her expression sober, if the opportunity was
just right, and I was sure I could have a positive experience, I might like to
do this. But I won't even think about making a decision until you and I have talked
it over thoroughly. Okay?
Okay, Jamie said. She let her mind wander to the possibility of having
Ryan join yet another team, then her eyes brightened as she considered one benefit
of Ryan competing. Do they wear shorts?
Uhm
yes, as a matter of fact, on warm days they do. I think you'd
like the outfits, honey. They're not as good as the ones for volleyball, but they
beat the hell out of basketball.
Honey, those orange jumpsuits that they wear in San Quentin beat those basketball
uniforms. That's no contest at all!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Hey, Ryan, it's Ally, Ally Webster announced when she called Ryan
later that afternoon.
Hi, there. What's up?
Not much. I just thought I'd check in again. I haven't spoken to you for
a week, and you can get into an awful lot of trouble in that length of time.
You've got my number, pal, Ryan said. Things have been pretty
calm here, actually. The media crush has died down a bit, and the tabloids aren't
due out for three days, so we're having a little respite.
Ally's joking tone ceased, and she said, I know you're not in the mood to
hear my righteous anger on your behalf, Ryan, but I just have to say again that
out of all of the people I've known, you're the one least deserving of this crap.
I'd do anything to get rid of this for you.
I know you would, Ryan said, feeling her emotional control waver a
bit. Enough about me, she said. How are things with you?
Good, Ally said. I've been out with Sara a couple of times,
and I really like her, Ryan. She has a really sweet soul, hasn't she?
Oh, yeah, Ryan said. She's got a very good heart. She's got
a lot of great qualities, Ally. I honestly think you two could be very good together.
I hope it works out.
Well, I'm going to dinner at her house tonight. Wish me luck.
Ryan chuckled softly. You'll need it, she said. Sara can't cook
worth a damn!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Hi. Sara Andrews smiled warmly as she opened the door of her apartment
to greet her guest.
Hello, Ally said, in her soft Southern drawl. She brushed past Sara
on her way into the apartment, and the smaller woman felt her mouth go dry at
the sensation.
You didn't have too much trouble parking, did you?
Trouble parking in the Marina on a Saturday night? Ally asked, cocking
her head quizzically. Is that usually a problem?
Where did you have to park? Sara asked, rolling her eyes and bracing
herself for the worst.
I'm not exactly sure, Ally said, but I won't say no if you offer
me a ride back to my car. If I'd known it would be this bad, I would have walked!
There was a certain beauty to Palo Alto, Sara said. I got used
to being able to park a block or two away from my destination.
How do you like being back in the city? Ally asked as she took a seat
upon a stool that was resting under a counter that served as a pass-through into
the small kitchen.
It's very nice for work, Sara said. And there's a lot to do,
of course, but it's awfully congested over here. I guess I'd grown used to the
more open, greener feeling of Palo Alto. But I'm certainly not going to drive
into the city from there every day. I value my sanity!
I miss North Carolina for that same reason, Ally said, a faraway look
in her eyes. I love San Francisco, and I can't ever see myself leaving,
but sometimes I long for the wide open spaces.
Do you ever go back and visit? Sara asked.
No. Haven't been back since the day I left, she said softly. I
left on bad terms, Sara. I wouldn't be welcomed back.
Feeling her heart clutch in sympathy, Sara said, I'm not welcome in my house
right now because my father's upset about my being gay. Is that it for you, too?
Ally looked decidedly uncomfortable, and Sara came over to stand next to her.
She placed a hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. You don't
have to answer if I'm prying. I just want to get to know you better. Twitching
her head towards the kitchen she asked, Can I get you something to drink?
Yeah, she said quickly, nodding her head. Sparkling water?
Sure. Sara poured her a glass of water, passing it through to her.
Uhm
do you mind if I have some wine? I know you don't drink, and
I
No, it's fine, Ally said. Thanks for asking, though. I've been
sober for quite a few years, and I'm rarely tempted. I can even go to bars now
and not feel the urge.
Sara gazed at her for a minute and said, If there's ever a time that you
feel a little tempted, just let me know, and I won't drink around you, okay?
It's a deal, the larger woman said, charmed by Sara's attempts to
be sensitive to her issues. Do you need any help with dinner? she
asked, noticing something that smelled good, but not seeing anything on the stove.
No, I've had all the help a woman can have. Are you ready to eat?
Yeah, I am, Ally said.
Sara opened the oven, and pulled out an aluminum tray of cannelloni with tomato
sauce. She had to use folded dishtowels to extract the tray, since she apparently
didn't own hot pads. Ally helped her get it to the table, then Sara took out two
different salads from the refrigerator, both in take-out containers. Have
you gotten the impression that I don't entertain often? she asked, setting
the containers on the table. I don't have any cookware or serving ware yet,
and I think the Pottery Barn price tags might still be on these place mats.
She was obviously a little flustered, and Ally slid a long, strong arm around
her shoulders and gave her a little squeeze. I appreciate that you invited
me, she said softly. My culinary skills lie in opening cans and ordering
take-out food, so this seems very adventurous to me.
Thanks, Sara said, looking up into her eyes. They stood just like
that for nearly a minute, with Sara feeling like she could remain in that exact
position for a very long time. She blinked slowly as Ally dipped her head and
kissed her gently, holding onto her for another moment. As Sara pulled away, her
eyes were a little wide and she felt like fanning herself. Ally had kissed her
after their last 2 meetings, but both had been friendly 'thanks for spending time
with me' kind of kisses that you might give to a good friend. This one, however,
was a 'I'd like to kiss you longer and harder, but we're about to sit down to
dinner' kind of kiss, and Sara fervently hoped that dinner would be over quickly
so she could find out if Ally had intended to send the message she had picked
up.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ally held Sara's chair, gently pushing it under the smaller woman, then giving
her shoulder a squeeze. Everything looks great, Sara, she said as
she took her own seat.
Help yourself. I know you don't eat much meat, so I bought the meatless
tomato sauce; and I know you're trying to keep fat from your diet, so I got the
nonfat cannelloni. Is that okay?
Ally gave her a warm smile and nodded. I really appreciate that you tried
to provide something I can eat. I can't have much of the cannelloni, just because
of the pasta, but I'll certainly have a little. She took one tube and put
a big bite into her mouth. Mmm
I'd like to have this again after
my competition. Where did you buy this?
Lucca Deli, she said. I'm on a first name basis with the guys
behind the counter. How about the salads? Sara asked. I made sure
the dressing was on the side.
Ally reached across the table and took Sara's hand in hers. You are such
a thoughtful woman. This is just perfect. One of the salads was a traditional
three-bean concoction, and Ally added just a dash of Balsamic vinegar to hers.
But she ate a very healthy portion, reassuring Sara that she wouldn't go away
hungry. The second salad consisted of various lettuces, along with a few fresh
vegetables. Ally managed a good-sized portion, although she ate it completely
dry.
Sara tried to follow her friend's habits, but she had to put a little dressing
on her green salad. So, tell me about the event on Sunday, she said.
How long have you been training?
Since I was seventeen, the larger woman said. I'm joking, of
course, but bodybuilding is a constant pursuit. I work out anywhere from an hour
to three hours a day, depending on what I'm working on. The training's pretty
constant. The really hard part is dieting. I start about eight weeks before the
competition, slowly removing oil and fat and sugar from my diet. For two or three
weeks beforehand I'm down to zero. She gave Sara a thin smile and said,
It's really unhealthy, to be honest. You make your body start to cannibalize
itself so you can get that ridiculously cut look. It's honestly a stupid thing
to do. My hair loses its shine, my skin is pasty, I bruise really easily. It's
very artificial, and I don't like to be artificial any more.
Sara spent a moment looking at her friend, noticing things that weren't so obvious
at first. Now that you mention it, you don't look like yourself. You look
almost gaunt. If I didn't know better, I'd think you'd been sick. Cocking
her head, she asked, Is that really the look they want?
Well, I'll look better after I put my tanning lotion on. Then I'll look
like a woman who's been on a desert island, starving for a few months with no
clothes and no sun-block.
Sounds nice, she said, thinking it sounded anything but. I'm
not familiar with what happens during the competition, Sara said. Do
you lift weights?
Yeah, but we do that backstage, just to pump up our muscles. On stage, we
pose. It's pretty technical, but the goal is to highlight your best parts and
minimize your worst parts. It's really very draining to pose in the way we have
to, and when the competition is over, I'm really wiped.
Where is it being held?
Right down the block. It's in the exhibition hall at the Palace of Fine
Arts. It's a nice hall, but they don't have showers, which makes it kinda rough.
I'm a sweaty mess when I'm finished.
Oh! Well, why don't you come over here when it's over. I hate to think of
you having to go home all sweaty. You'll catch a chill.
Ally gave her a slow smile and said, That's very kind of you, but I might
not be the best company. I'm usually pretty out of it.
That doesn't matter. Come by and shower, and we'll see how you feel then.
Okay, it's a deal. Ally took another bite of her salad, chewing thoughtfully.
I spoke with Ryan briefly this afternoon.
Sara's eyes closed and she took in a deep breath. I'm so angry over the
way they've been treated. I'm not a violent person, but if I ever meet the person
who spoke to the tabloids about Ryan
I know, Ally said. Two nicer people don't exist and yet,
people will still sell them out for a few bucks. It's just not right.
How did Ryan seem? She was in bad shape on Christmas Eve. I've been worried
sick about her, but I've been afraid to call.
She wasn't very gabby, Ally said. She didn't really seem like
herself. I can only hope that this will pass soon.
I do, too, Sara sighed. Ryan's had so much pain in her life.
It just isn't fair.
No, it never is, Ally said, giving Sara's hand a gentle squeeze.
* * * * * * * * * * *
After dinner, Sara got up to clear the dishes, and she commented, You know,
for someone your size you certainly don't eat much.
No, I don't eat much, Ally said. But I do eat often, usually
five or six meals a day. I had a meal about this size at four o'clock today.
Hmm
does that work for you? Sara looked at her closely, letting
her eyes linger on the rock-solid body and said, That was a stupid question.
It obviously works for you.
I need to eat often to keep my energy level up. I switched from three meals
a day to six about three years ago, and I feel a lot better.
Well, you certainly look good, she repeated, letting her brown eyes
rake slowly over the body once again.
Ally had been involved in this little dance far too often to not recognize the
signs of seduction. Deciding that it was now or never, she walked into the living
room and took a seat, waiting for Sara to join her on the couch. I uhm
I'm ready to answer the question you asked me before dinner, she said, locking
her eyes with the smaller woman's.
Okay, Sara said, remembering that the question still hung out there.
If you want to.
I don't really, Ally said honestly. But if you want to know
me, you have to know about my life. She took a breath and said, I
have an older brother who raped me when I was a child.
Sara reached out immediately and grasped her hand, chafing it gently between her
own. She didn't say another word, silently urging Ally to continue.
He was the favorite of both of my parents, she said softly. My
family was pretty screwed up generally, but he was pure evil. He threatened me,
and convinced me that our parents would never believe me if I told them. I'm sure
he was right about that, she said bitterly. Anyway, this continued
sporadically until he left home to marry. She shivered visibly as she said,
I kept my mouth shut until he and his wife had a child. I couldn't bear
the thought of him hurting his daughter, so I told his wife. She looked
at Sara, and with a small note of triumph in her voice, said, She believed
me. Apparently she was unhappy in the marriage, and this was the final straw.
He fought her tooth and nail, and of course it came out in court that he had raped
me for years. My parents, of course, blamed me.
Sara gasped in shock, but Ally used her free hand to pat her knee. It's
okay. I'm used to talking about this now. Not long after this all happened, another
brother caught me making out with a girl in my room. He was an evil little cuss,
too, she said wryly, and he told my parents. My father made my life
a living hell, mainly saying that I was the screwed up one, and how much shame
I had caused my family
blah
blah
blah. As soon as I graduated
from high school I took off, and haven't been back since. I see my sister, Emily,
and that's it.
Sara closed her eyes, feeling an impotent rage welling up for her friend. But
one thought kept invading her consciousness, and she finally asked, How
many years did it go on?
Four years, Ally said softly.
And in all that time, you never felt like you could tell anyone
not
a teacher, or a minister?
No, she said, shaking her head slowly. He swore that if I told,
he'd go after Emily. Her eyes grew fierce and determined as she said, I
would never let him get his filthy hands on her.
Impulsively, Sara threw her arms around Ally's shoulders and hugged her tightly.
You were so brave, she whispered into her ear.
Ally's arms curled around Sara's body, and they hugged each other for a few minutes,
neither speaking. She finally released her, and Sara wiped at her eyes for a moment.
I don't generally tell people about all of that, but I'd like to get to
know you better, Sara. I want you to know all about me before we get any closer.
I understand, she said, nodding her head. I really appreciate
that, Ally. Really, I do.
That's not all, the larger woman said. I uhm
have a lot
of issues that I'm still dealing with, Sara. There are things that get in the
way sometimes.
That makes perfect sense, Sara said. You were horribly traumatized.
Yes, yes, I was, Ally said. But I'm trying to work through the
past so I can live fully in the present. I'm consciously trying to change some
of the ways I relate to women sexually. It's going to be a long process, Sara,
and it's not always going to be easy for me. I just want you to know that I've
got a lot of things to work out.
We all do, Sara said. If you'll let me, I'd like to be part
of your team, Ally. Smiling up at her, she said, I'm a very good listener,
and I'm also as patient as the day is long. Wanna risk it?
The larger woman nodded her head, her eyes locked upon Sara's as a gentle smile
tugged at her lips. I do indeed, she said, her voice sounding like
pure honey.
Sara gazed at her for a long time, finding herself somehow soothed just by looking
into Ally's eyes. Slowly, feeling like she was being drawn in by an irresistible
force, she leaned in and kissed her, holding her gently in her arms as she pressed
against her. She pulled away after a moment, and tilted her head just a tiny bit,
looking at Ally curiously. Something just occurred to me, she said.
Huh? Ally looked like neither thought nor speech was very high on
her list of priorities at the moment.
Does it bother you to kiss me when I've had some alcohol? It just dawned
on me that it might be unpleasant for you to taste it.
Ally smiled gently and placed her large, warm hand against Sara's cheek. You're
so considerate.
You didn't answer me, Sara said.
Okay. Ally took a breath and said, If I had my druthers, I'd
prefer to kiss people who didn't smoke or drink. I used to do both to excess,
and it's a little more pleasant for me if I'm not reminded of the experience.
Every once in a while I get a flashback to my drinking days, and I have to shut
down a little.
Thank you, Sara said softly. She gave her friend's shoulder a squeeze
and excused herself. Be right back.
A few minutes later, Sara came back and sat right next to Ally. Sliding an arm
around her shoulders, she brought her face right next to her friend's and said,
See if this helps a little. Ally gave her a lazy half-smile and let
herself be pulled close. Sara tilted her head and kissed her again, this time
Ally noticing only the clean, fresh flavor of toothpaste.
The larger woman pulled away this time, and murmured, Very nice. It means
a lot to me that you care so much for my comfort.
I do, she whispered, her lips just inches from Ally's. I want
you to be very comfortable with me. She kissed her again, the heat of the
caress rising precipitously. Are you comfortable kissing me?
Entirely, Ally drawled, her smile tugging at one corner of her mouth.
Maybe we should check to see if the inverse is also true.
Sara started to say what a good idea that was, but before she could form a word,
Ally had swept her into her arms, pinning her firmly to the sofa. One hand slid
into her hair, holding the dark chestnut strands almost too firmly, while the
other rested on her cheek in a remarkably gentle fashion. The dichotomy of the
touches was so great that Sara's brain struggled to process them. A maelstrom
of feelings swept over her when Ally leaned in and kissed her the kisses
she offered a confluence of two poles. A delicious mix of rough, raw desire, bracketed
by two of the softest, gentlest kisses that Sara had ever experienced. Simultaneously,
she felt treasured, coddled, and completely and utterly dominated.
Her whole body shivered, and her heart started to race as she struggled to focus,
seeing the desire reflected in Ally's eyes, now turned a dark, steel gray. More,
she whispered, lifting a hand to slip behind Ally's head to try and pull her forward
for more of those mind-numbing kisses.
But the larger woman clearly didn't react well to coercion. Despite the pressure
from Sara's hand, the head didn't move an inch. All that happened was that a tiny
smile bloomed on Ally's face, and it remained until Sara got the hint and stopped
pulling. That's better, Ally purred. I like to be in charge,
she said, even though her message had come through loud and clear without a word.
Flicking at Sara's bottom lip with her finger, she purred, Do you like me
to take control?
Yes. Sara's head nodded quickly. I like it very much. I just
I just need more of those kisses, she begged, her need embarrassing
her deeply.
Just because I like to be in charge doesn't mean I'm only concerned with
my own pleasure, Ally whispered, her breath hot against Sara's cheek. I
want to please you, too. She leaned forward again, pressing Sara even harder
against the back of the sofa. Both strong arms enveloped her in a snug embrace,
effectively rendering the smaller woman's arms useless. When she was positioned
just like Ally wanted her, she started to kiss her in earnest, thrilling her to
the core as lips and tongue and teeth caressed, and tickled and nipped at her
mouth the amalgam of sensations nearly driving her mad. The fact that she
was utterly powerless added to her arousal, making her throb with desire as she
struggled weakly, not to get away but to throw Ally onto her back and ravage
her thoroughly.
The larger woman sensed her intent, and she started to move against her, pressing
her breasts hard against Sara's as she kissed her roughly.
More, the brunette gasped, I need more!
Mmm
Ally started to pull away, easing off from the ferocity
of her kisses. Each one was now a little softer, and much more gentle. I'll
give you more
all that you want
but not now. With one last,
incredibly sensual kiss, she sat up and gazed into Sara's still-burning eyes.
Remember what we said about going slow?
No, Sara said thickly. All I know is that I have to kiss you
again.
Dipping her head, Ally gave her a soft, tender kiss, refusing to open her mouth
to Sara's darting tongue, despite the smaller woman's frustrated moan. I
want to kiss you, too, the sandy-haired woman whispered, for a long,
long while. But we both agreed to go slow, Sara, and this doesn't feel slow to
me.
Gazing at Ally with heavy-lidded eyes, Sara murmured, Why were we gonna
go slow? I forget.
Giving her a warm, indulgent smile, Ally reminded her of their previous discussion.
I have some things I have to work on before I can feel comfortable being
really open with you. And I want to make sure we are both looking for the same
thing. I'm not looking for a fling, Sara. I've had enough casual sex to last two
lifetimes.
Running a hand along the back of Ally's neck and tickling the short fuzz at her
hairline, Sara smiled and said, I've only had enough casual sex for one
lifetime, but even at that, I'm sick of it. I'm looking for a relationship, Ally.
For my first relationship. Giving her a wry grin she added, I obviously
have a few things to work on, too.
Sounds like we're both a little gun shy, Ally said, her fingers trailing
all over Sara's features, finding herself unable to stop touching the lovely woman.
Yes, I certainly am, Sara said, but there's only one way to
get over it.
Yeah. Just one way, Ally said, finding herself drawn to the moist,
open lips again. After indulging herself for just a moment, she shivered violently
and got to her feet, running her hands through her hair as she tried to collect
her thoughts. I have to go, she said. I'm on the verge of losing
control, and I refuse to have sex be the engine that runs this relationship.
Sara smiled up at her with a look that mingled innocence and outright seduction.
You do want to make sex an element of the relationship, though, don't
you? She stood as she said this, and locked her arms loosely around Ally's
waist.
Yes, the larger woman said, her mouth incredibly dry. I do.
A big part, she said as she grinned shyly.
Then we're on the same page so far, Sara said. She reached as far
as she could, standing on her tiptoes to place one last kiss on Ally's quivering
lips. We'll go slow, she said. But not too slow, okay?
Do my best, ma'am, Ally said in her best Southern drawl.
Let me give you a lift to your car, Sara said, taking her hand.
Nah. I could really use the walk, she said. I need to cool off.
She pulled Sara close and gave her a tiny kiss. Walk me to my car, and I'll
give you a lift home.
They set off, the cold, damp breeze effectively cooling both of them off. So,
will I see you at the competition on Sunday, or will we just meet up here?
Ally asked.
Of course I'll be there. I wouldn't miss it.
I'm in the last weight class, so I have to stay until it's nearly over.
I'm sure I won't make the finals, so I'll come find you.
Okay. I'll be waiting.
We can go out for ice cream afterwards, Ally said. She lifted her
knit shirt and patted her belly, Sara's eyes going wide when she saw the deeply
etched abdominal muscles. I'm dying for sugar and fat.
Is this really your last competition? Sara asked as they continued
to walk.
Yeah, I'm sure of it, Ally said.
And your body will never look like this again? the brunette said.
Nope. I'll never be this cut again. She cocked her head and asked,
Why?
Sara shrugged off the question and smiled up at her. Just curious,
she said, No special reason.
Ally took her hand again, and they continued their walk, both of them in silent
contemplation.
* * * * * * * * * * *
On Saturday, Ryan drove the BMW to Cal for the tryout at Levine-Fricke
Field. She wore the same outfit she had worn to play softball with her family,
a pair of black, double-knit nylon shorts, and a red softball jersey from her
old high school; and to Jamie's educated eye, she looked absolutely adorable.
They approached a balding, overweight, beer-bellied, middle-aged man who was pacing
around behind the backstop. "Coach Roberts?" Ryan asked as they neared
him.
"Yeah. O'Flaherty?"
"Yes. Pleased to meet you," she said as she stuck out her hand.
"Yeah. Let's get going," he said as he shook the proffered hand.
Having had quite enough of standoffish coaches, Ryan stood right where she was
and waited for him to look at her. "This is Jamie Evans, Coach Roberts,"
she said evenly.
"Oh, hi," he said, as he stuck out his hand again. "Why are you
here?"
Ryan was a bit irked at his manners, so she decided to give him a little test.
"Jamie is my lover, Coach," she said with a smile. "She accompanies
me whenever I'm doing something important."
"Oh, great," he said dramatically as he rolled his eyes.
"Do you have a problem with that?" Ryan asked.
"Yeah, I do," he started to say, but when he saw the look on Ryan's
face he corrected himself. "Oh, no, not like you think," he said. "I
don't like any of my girls to have romantic attachments. Takes your mind off the
game. There's enough distractions without bringing love into it," he said
in a tone that equated love with the chicken pox.
Just then a young woman came running across the field, dragging a winded young
man with her. "See what I mean?" he moaned as they kissed goodbye on
the pitcher's mound. "Chapman! I said to be here at ten!"
"Yes, Coach," she said. As soon as he turned to look at Ryan again,
Chapman caught Jamie's eye and gave her a wink.
When Ryan declared that first base was her best position, the coach directed Chapman
to play second while he hit grounders to Ryan. She was to field the ball, throw
to second and then return to the bag to catch the return throw to get the runner
out. "Hey, girlfriend," he called to Jamie.
"Yes?"
"Can you run?"
"Like the wind."
"Then come over here, and get halfway between me and the bag. When I hit
the ball, run like hell."
She looked to Ryan for her approval, but was met with only a raised eyebrow and
a shoulder shrug. Luckily, she was wearing running shoes, Lycra shorts and a T-shirt,
as they were planning on going to the gym afterward. So, she put her bag down
on the bench, and gamely took her position.
Ryan got down in a crouch, and waited for the ball. A sharply hit grounder pulled
her towards second, but she snagged the ball and tossed it with a quick underhand
motion to the second baseman. Her momentum caused her to do a somersault, but
she regained her feet quickly, and ran back towards first. Jamie easily beat her
to the bag, but she clearly would not have if she had been running from home.
As she turned around to run back to her spot, she patted Ryan on the butt. "Good
job, Tiger," she said with a wink.
After 20 minutes of constant activity, Jamie began to inch closer and closer to
first base. When they had finished this part of the workout she was practically
standing on the bag, much to Ryan's amusement. The coach called the fielders in
and told Jamie to sit down. As Ryan approached, he said loudly, "She's a
frail little thing, isn't she?"
Ryan turned to see the glare in those green eyes, and she warned him, "Don't
play with fire, Coach. Looks are deceiving."
The next element of her try-out was to assess her hitting skills. Coach Roberts
led Ryan over to an enclosed batting cage, and set up a pitching machine. She
put on the batting gloves that she had stashed in her pocket, chose one of the
garishly decorated aluminum bats, then spent a few minutes taking practice swings,
just to loosen up.
She got serious as soon as she entered the batting cage. The coach started the
machine out slow, but in a few minutes he had the ball blazing in on her. Jamie
had the enviable position of sitting on a bench behind her, and she was treated
to the sight of her lover's butt twitching back and forth before each pitch was
delivered. This little show was over much too early for her taste, but after more
than 100 pitches, Ryan looked like she could use a break.
"Can you play any other positions?" Coach Roberts asked.
Ryan wiped the sweat from her brow and nodded. "Yeah. I've played center
field and right field. When I play with my family I play second. And I can play
short and third, but I haven't played there since grammar school. And I can pitch,
of course," she added as if that should be obvious.
He smirked at her confidence, but had to admit to himself that the lanky young
woman's actions had thus far backed up her words. "What, you're too good
to catch? She shrugged, barely hiding a little smile. Head on out
to center field, All Star, and I'll hit you some fly balls."
Jamie knew quite a bit about baseball since she had attended many Giants games
with her father, so she had a good deal of appreciation for the gracefulness that
Ryan displayed when she ran for the ball. Even though the day was a little windy,
she had no difficulty in gauging the speed and the distance of the balls that
the coach hit. She would lazily trot under the ball and be awaiting its descent
with her weight balanced on the balls of her feet, then cradle it into her glove,
with her other hand hovering over the top of the glove, in case the ball had the
temerity to try to escape.
After a few minutes of this exercise, the coach instructed her to catch the ball
and fire it in to the cut-off man, in this case, Chapman. Ryan had a gun, and
the ball buzzed through the air as it whacked into the glove time and again.
He waved her in and stood with his hands on his hips, staring at her for a few
minutes. "So
what's the catch?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Drugs, booze, what?"
Ryan laughed a bit as she shook her head. "I don't know what you're getting
at Coach," she said.
"You're way too good to walk on, and you don't look like you're 18, so where
have you been prison?"
"No," she said. "I was at U.S.F. for my first two years. As you
know, they don't offer softball as a varsity sport. Last year I couldn't play
since I was a transfer, but my financial situation has changed, and I'm able to
play, so here I am."
"Does blondie have anything to do with that?" he asked as he nodded
toward Jamie.
Ryan had to laugh at this new nickname. "Yeah," she said easily, matching
his style. "She's loaded."
"Well, maybe it's not always a bad idea to have a girlfriend," he said
with a bark of a laugh. "Heck, I'd be gay if some good looking guy would
support me."
"I don't think you'd get many offers, Coach," Ryan said, giving him
a long appraising look.
He spat out another hearty laugh and slapped her on the back, "Good one,
O'Flaherty. I think I like you."
"I might like to play if you can use me, she said. But I'm currently
committed to the basketball team.
He narrowed his eyes and said, Oh, shit! Now I know who you are! What in
the hell is going on with that basketball team? Is Coach Hayes insane?
Huh?
I don't come to the games, so I didn't recognize you, and I suck with names,
but I read the box scores after every game. You're the only player on that team
worth a squat. He looked at her suspiciously and said, I saw a mention
in the paper that you'd left the team. You're not academically ineligible, are
you?
Hardly, she said, insulted that he would even insinuate such a thing.
I uhm
had some uhm
publicity that was getting in the way
and
Publicity? he asked, scratching his head. What in the hell are
you talking about, O'Flaherty?
Jamie was standing nearby at this point, and she piped up, Don't you read
the paper, or watch the news?
Yeah, of course I do. I read the sports page and watch Sportscenter. What
else does a guy need?
Not a thing, Ryan said. I guarantee that my record is clean,
Coach. Feel free to talk to Coach Hayes or Coach Placer.
You played for Rich? he asked suspiciously.
Yep. Sure did, she said.
I've gotta check you out, O'Flaherty. You sound like an interesting character.
Oh, she is that, Jamie said proudly, beaming a smile at her partner.
Well, I'm planning on quitting the basketball team, but I haven't done so
yet. So please don't talk to Coach Hayes for a couple of days, okay?
No problem. I trust Rich's opinion more than hers anyway. She's screwed
that team up so bad I wouldn't believe her if she said the sky was blue.
Ryan shook his hand and said, Let me talk to Jamie, and make a decision
about whether we think we can handle the softball schedule, and I'll give you
a call.
Good deal, he said. I'm gonna call Rich as soon as I get to
my office.
As they walked over to their car, Chapman walked along with them. "I'm Michelle,"
she said as she shook Ryan's hand. Coach doesn't know anything that isn't
in the sports page, but I saw you guys on TV. That was so freaky!
You're telling me, Ryan said.
"What's with the coach, anyway? Jamie piped up. Is he as grouchy
as he seems?"
"Oh no, Michelle said. He's all bark and no bite. The girls really
love him, Ryan. I guarantee you'll like playing for him."
What about team chemistry? Ryan asked. Do you guys like each
other?
Oh, yeah, Michelle said. We hang out together all the time.
"Do you think the other players would have a hard time with me being an open
lesbian?" Ryan asked, not wanting that to be an issue either.
"No. I'm a senior this year, and we've had at least a couple of lesbians
each year. It's never been a problem, unless they started dating each other."
"That seems to be a common theme," Jamie said wryly, recalling that
Coach Hayes had said the same thing during the basketball workout.
"That won't be a problem for me," Ryan said. "I'm kept on a very
short leash. Her quick reflexes allowed her to barely dodge the flying elbow
that her lover threw.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Later that night, they decided to take Duffy for a nice long walk. It was only
around ten o'clock, and they gravitated down to 24th
Street and strolled along with the constant parade of pedestrians on the main
shopping avenue in the neighborhood. Ryan's face brightened when she spied her
father and her aunt walking towards them. What's up with you two?
she asked.
We just came down to the newsstand to buy the Irish Times, Maeve said.
Been out long?
No, we just started. Wanna join us?
Surely, Maeve said, and Martin also agreed.
While they walked, Jamie commented on their evening, and Ryan grew quiet as they
continued to walk. Martin noticed her uncharacteristic silence and asked, Something
bothering you, love?
Uhm
not really. I'm just thinking about something that I've got to
do on Monday. I'm a little preoccupied.
What's that, love? Martin asked.
I'm going to quit the basketball team, she said, gazing directly into
his eyes.
I see, he said quietly. Jamie noticed that Maeve grasped his hand
and gave it a squeeze.
It's not working for me, Da, and if I'm honest with myself I have to acknowledge
that they probably don't want me back.
Why wouldn't they want you? You could make that into a decent team!
Maybe, she said. Look, Da, I know it's a selfish decision, but
it's just not worth it to me at this point. They're playing as well as they did
when I was with them, and there's no chance of making the NCAA's, so it's just
not worth my time.
He gave her a speculative look and asked, Have you made up your mind?
I have, she said, squeezing back when Jamie pressed her hand tightly.
Nodding briefly, he placed a hand on her shoulder and patted her. Time to
move on with your life then. I'm very sorry this turned out so poorly for you,
Siobhán.
Me too, she said.
You did your best, Maeve said. Sometimes things just don't work
out.
This was one of those times, Jamie said, seeing that Ryan still looked
a little unsettled, but knowing it would take her a while to feel confident in
her decision.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When they returned, Jamie could tell that her partner was a little down. It was
time for bed, and when Ryan started to walk across the room to join her, Jamie
asked, Any chance we could kiss a little before we go to sleep?
Ryan stopped in her tracks, and looked like she wanted to turn and run in the
other direction.
Not a big deal, Jamie said softly. Just a few kisses.
Uhm
okay, Ryan said, stiffly slipping into bed and taking a
moment to straighten her clothes.
Deciding that she didn't want to be the aggressor, Jamie lay down and said, I
don't want to make out or anything, honey. I just want to keep our lips in shape,
okay?
A small smile broke through, and Jamie knew she had her. Ryan placed a gentle
hand on her cheek and asked, Just for exercise, huh?
Yep. Nothing worse than flabby lips.
Once the mood was playful, Ryan felt her breathing even out, and she leaned over
her partner and placed a few tender kisses upon her lips. Jamie didn't touch her
lover, letting her control every aspect of their brief encounter. Once she was
certain that she was fully in charge, Ryan let herself go a little bit, allowing
her senses to open up and experience the simple joy of savoring her partner's
lips. They didn't move beyond the playful stage, but that was fine with both of
them. Just the gentle merging of their mouths seemed like a milestone, and, a
few minutes later, when they cuddled together, both felt asleep quickly
each cheered by the tender reconnection.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Part 10
After Sunday Mass, Martin and Maeve came over for breakfast. As soon as the meal
was finished Kevin, Rory and Conor left to help Niall on a project, leaving just
Jamie, Ryan, Martin and Maeve to sit at the table and chat.
Ryan had been putting off telling her father about her decision to delay graduate
school for a year, but she knew she had to tell him eventually, so she sucked
up her courage and launched into it. Jamie and I have finally decided what
we're going to do next year, she began.
What's that, love? Martin asked, looking at her with interest.
We've decided to take a year off and apply next year at this time.
Oh, he said, his head cocked slightly. When she didn't elaborate he
asked, What will you do instead? Will you go back to your job at the gym?
No, I don't think so, she said.
Is there another job you're interested in, Siobhán?
No, I wasn't planning on working, Da, she said. We're going
to relax a bit.
For a whole year? His eyes had saucered, and his gaze darted from
Jamie to his daughter. You'll do nothing at all?
Now, Marty, Maeve said, I'm sure the girls have thought this
through. Let the child explain herself.
For some reason her aunt's comments struck Ryan the wrong way. She was on the
verge of telling her to mind her own business when she realized what she was about
to do. Forcing her mouth shut, she stared down at the table, looking like she
was torn between lashing out and crying.
Jamie reached over and grasped her clenched fist, saying, We have thought
it through, Maeve. And I'm sure we'll do something to keep busy we just
haven't discussed what that might be. All I know is that Ryan's been under more
stress this year than most people have in their whole lives, and she just can't
handle any more.
The dark-haired woman rolled her eyes in disgust and got up from the table, letting
her chair bang hard against the wall as she did so. Without a word, she made for
the front door, Duffy scrambling after her.
What in the holy name of God was that about? Martin asked, his expression
one of complete bafflement.
Jamie looked at him and quietly said, She needs your support, Martin. She
absolutely hates to admit how fragile she is right now. She shook her head
remorsefully and said, I never should have commented about her stress. She
absolutely hates that.
Is she close to a breakdown? he asked, his eyes wide.
No, no, not at all. She'll be fine, Martin. I really pushed her to take
a year off she didn't want to. I know it's the best thing for her, but
it was incredibly hard for her to do. Deciding not to go to graduate school right
away was a very, very big concession to how poorly she's feeling, and having you
question her judgment
She shook her head in frustration and added,
You always complain about how thin she is, and how tired she looks. Isn't
it obvious that enrolling in medical school so soon after graduation would just
wear her down even more?
He dropped his head into his hands and mumbled, I'm sorry, Jamie. I let
my big mouth spout off without thinking. Standing, he said, I'll go
find her and apologize.
Maeve gripped his sleeve and tugged on it. Marty, please sit down and think
through what you're going to say to her before you do that.
Giving her a puzzled look, he sat, but said, What is there to think about?
Don't make her feel worse than she already does, Maeve said. She
hates to have people believe she can't handle something, love. You know how proud
she is. Please try not to focus on how poorly she's doing, all right?
Okay, he said. Looking at Jamie, he asked, Any advice?
She smiled at him and suggested, She craves your respect, Martin. As long
as she knows she has that, she'll be fine.
He nodded, looking very embarrassed. I could kick myself. There's no harder
working girl than my Siobhán. Looking a little confused, he asked,
You said medical school, Jamie. I thought she wanted to get a Ph.D.?
That's part of the problem, Jamie said. She thinks she should
go into a joint M.D./Ph.D. program. I want her to just get her Ph.D., but she's
pretty adamant about the other program. The problem is that she doesn't want to
be a physician, and it's hard for her to commit to four years of med school and
a few years of a residency program for something she doesn't want to do.
Then why do it?
It's complicated, she said, knowing they could be there all day talking
about the various programs and how they would impact Ryan's future career plans.
But it has to do with how much autonomy she would have as a researcher.
She really wants to do genetics research, you know.
No, I didn't know, he said quietly. She never talks about her
goals with me.
Jamie smiled at him and revealed, What she really wants is to be a firefighter
just like her father.
He stared at her with his mouth open. She does?
Desperately. She told me she's wanted to do that since she was a little
girl. She looks up to you so much, Martin. If I hadn't begged her not to do it,
she'd be applying for the firefighters academy right now. She shook her
head and added, That's why this decision is so hard for her, to be honest.
She's picking between a number of inferior choices. Her first choice is to follow
in your footsteps.
He stood again, mumbling to himself, For the love o' Mike! Just when I think
I have her figured out
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan was sitting in a chaise on the deck, Duffy stretched out in front of her,
his big, black head on her lap. Hi, she said quietly when her father
pulled up a chair and sat next to her.
Jamie's been telling us some interesting things
Yeah? What, that I'm on the waiting list for the loony bin?
No, not at all. She doesn't feel that way, Siobhán, and you shouldn't
either. There's no shame in listening to your body, sweetheart. I'm just glad
you've got Jamie in your life to remind you and me, of that.
She grunted softly. She's all about reminding me of that.
The lass needs to, love. This is one part of myself that I wish you hadn't
inherited, he said. You and I both hate like the devil to admit any
weakness, darlin', but it's not good for either of us to be that way. He
reached over and grasped her hand and added, She told me something else.
Looking at him warily, she asked, What's that?
She told me that you're so tremendously gifted that you're having a very
hard time deciding which graduate program you want to attend. Jamie says that
the one you think you want will give you both an M.D. and a Ph.D. He shook
his head briefly and said, Thank God you take after your mother's family
in the brains department.
Chuckling mildly, Ryan said, I don't know about that, Da.
I do, he said soberly, drawing her attention to him. You're
a very gifted woman, Siobhán, and you're going to make a significant contribution
to the world. I'm very, very proud of you. He brought her hand to his lips
and placed a soft kiss upon it. You have a lot to give, darlin', and the
world can wait a year or two to have you start.
Ryan nodded, saying nothing. She just squeezed her father's hand and leaned back
against her chair, closing her eyes when the sun broke through the thin fog to
warm her face.
* * * * * * * * * * *
As soon as Martin left the room, Maeve looked at Jamie and sighed, They're
a pair, aren't they?
They are indeed. Like two peas in a pod.
Lucky for us that their redeeming qualities are so plentiful, Maeve
said.
Yeah, Jamie said. The good qualities far outnumber the ones
that make you want to strangle them.
Maeve's laughter quieted, and she grew contemplative. Why do you think Ryan
wants to be a firefighter?
Jamie shrugged and said, I don't know. Probably to be like her father, maybe
a little because of the thrill of working in a dangerous profession. I'm sure
she also would get a lot of satisfaction out of saving lives.
The older woman nodded, her expression still pensive. That's probably right.
Jamie observed the thoughtful expression on the older woman's face. You
think it's something more, don't you?
Mmm
I think I do, she said. I think she's afraid of standing
out in the crowd.
The crowd?
The O'Flaherty crowd, Maeve said. Being a firefighter would
give her a nice, acceptable, blue-collar profession just like the rest
of the family. She'd never have to show how special she really is.
Jamie nodded slowly, seeing exactly what Maeve was getting at. Few things
mean more to her than fitting in with the boys, she said.
And her father. My Marty is a bright man, as you know, Jamie, but Ryan's
intellect is profound. She has so much to give, but I think she's frightened to
make the commitment to give it. I think she's terrified of surpassing her father's
accomplishments.
But Martin's accomplishment's are huge! Jamie cried. My God,
just raising his children alone these last 17 years is a tremendous feat!
I know that, Jamie, Maeve said. But to the outside world, Ryan
will be a medical doctor with a PH.D., while her father will always be a firefighter.
The world values professional accomplishments much more than it does familial
ones.
The younger woman chuckled mirthlessly, I know that to be true. She
didn't make the comment aloud, but she thought of the difference between her own
father and Martin, knowing that her father failed miserably in the comparison,
but that the world saw her father as the successful one.
I think Ryan will be able to make the choice to use all of her gifts, but
it will take her some time to get used to it. This year off might help her get
comfortable with it.
Jamie cocked her head. Do you think that's why Ryan never talks to her father
about her goals?
Yes, I do, Maeve said. She doesn't want to highlight the differences
between them. Over time, we can help her get past that, Jamie. She needs to use
her talents. Being a firefighter would be the worst choice she could make.
She smiled and added, Besides, she doesn't have the temperament for it.
She's far too brash, and she acts on her instincts too readily.
I think she proved that recently, Jamie said, shaking her head. If
she risks her life to save the guys who tried to kill her, can you imagine what
she'd do to save a helpless, innocent person? She shivered and said, My
heart couldn't take it.
Nor could mine, Maeve said. My Tommy has the ideal temperament
to be a firefighter, and even still, I worry about him every day that he's on
duty. I don't want that for you.
Jamie smiled and said, Even though she looks adorable in the outfit, I'd
much prefer to see her in a nice, boring lab coat.
Knowing her, it will be tie-dyed, Maeve said.
* * * * * * * * * * *
On Sunday afternoon, Sara sat in the exhibition hall at the Palace of Fine Arts,
waiting for Ally's group to begin. The meet began at 2, but she had some work
to finish, and didn't arrive until 3:30. The group before Ally's was just leaving
the stage when she got there, so she didn't know what to expect. Her eyes nearly
popped out of her head when the group of 10 women strutted across the stage a
few minutes later.
She was sure one of them was Ally, but if it hadn't been for her short hair, she
never would have picked her out. Sara hadn't read many comic books, but the women
on stage looked more like the stylized representation of muscular women that she'd
seen on the covers of the fantasy magazines, than actual human beings.
Ally hadn't specified what type of competition this was, but for some reason,
Sara had assumed that it would be a gay and lesbian meet. Looking at the women
posing, and the men hooting and hollering, she quickly changed her assessment.
It actually took her mind a few minutes to fully take in the group, and before
she had done so they exited the stage again, to be replaced by the individual
women posing. The first woman was unbelievably muscular, in a way that was actually
distasteful to Sara. Her muscles were very large, and very bulky and heavy looking.
She was quite dark skinned, but the hue was the result of an astonishingly dark
suntan that also looked less than attractive. The woman wore a bikini that barely
covered her obviously surgically enhanced breasts, the massive mounds not moving
an inch when she posed.
She had long, bleached blonde hair, styled in a way that Sara had seen in movies
from the 1950's, but never on a modern day Bay Area woman. Layers upon layers
of stiff, teased blonde cotton candy tresses floated about her head, made all
the more incongruous by the massive bulk of her muscles. She looked like someone
had taken a Barbie doll's head and breasts and had merged them with a G.I. Joe
and then had stuffed Joe into a tiny bikini.
She went through her entire routine, and by the end of it, Sara's face was curled
into a look of complete distaste. Everything about the woman looked artificial
and brittle and hard, and her heart began to beat heavily in her chest
wondering if Ally's look would be as much of a turn off.
The next 5 competitors didn't appeal to her either, and she was near panic when
they announced that Ally was next. Peeking through the fingers of the hand that
covered her eyes, Sara paused a second, then her mouth curled into a grin which
continued to grow.
The differences between Ally's body and that of the other women were rather stark,
Sara determined. While Ally looked very powerful and well defined, she didn't
have the heavy, masculine look of the competitors that received the most applause.
Her skin was nearly as dark as the other women's had been though, and it glowed
from the application of some sort of oil.
Even though Sara didn't care for the artificial color of her skin, the skin that
was revealed was wholly pleasing to the smaller woman. Ally didn't wear a teeny
bikini like most of the women did. Rather, hers was a bright red, combination
bikini top/thong bottom suit that showed off her unbelievably rounded ass to perfection.
Her mouth went dry as Ally began to work through her routine, her eyes barely
leaving the glowing cheeks of that delectable ass.
Finally, her 3 minutes were up, and the next competitor took the stage, allowing
Sara to catch her breath. When all had finished, the judges made the first cut,
narrowing the competitors to 5. Ally made the cut, and each of the women posed
again, this time for only two minutes. When the winners were announced, Ally wasn't
among them, the grand prize going to the woman with the most outrageous muscles
and largest breasts.
Sara waited in her chair, assuming that Ally would find her eventually. It took
about 15 minutes for the very drained-looking woman to catch up to her, and when
she did, she sank heavily into the chair next to Sara. I feel like I just
ran a marathon, she sighed. On my hands.
Giving her a gentle hug, Sara said, Congratulations on making the cut. That
was good, wasn't it?
Yeah, Ally said. Some of the judges like a more moderate look,
but others like the women to be as big as the men. There's no way to do that without
juice
uhm
steroids, but what the hell. She shrugged her shoulders
and said, I'm done.
How are you feeling about your decision?
Good. Well, as good as I feel about anything, she said. I'm
on the verge of hallucinating. She lifted her sports bottle to her lips
and took a long gulp. To really look cut you have to be dehydrated. This
is the first thing I've had to drink since yesterday morning.
My God! Sara cried. That's terrible! You must feel awful.
That's about it, Ally said. I have to be really careful not
to overdo it, though. I have to let my body hydrate slowly.
Let's go to my house, Sara said. You can take a shower and have
something to drink.
With big doe eyes, Ally leaned against her, asking, Do you have any cookies?
I bought cookies and ice cream
just in case.
The woman of my dreams, Ally sighed, getting to her wobbly feet and
holding onto Sara's offered hand.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Luckily, Sara lived just three blocks away, so they walked the short distance.
As soon as they got into the apartment, Ally went to shower while Sara sat in
the living room and watched the start of the second half of the Warriors basketball
game. The bathroom door opened, and Ally emerged in a cloud of vapor. Well,
I'm clean, she announced, but now I'm even weaker.
Come here, Sara said, and when Ally walked over to her, she patted
her legs. Stretch out and take a little nap.
Really? You don't mind?
No, of course not. I'd like you to stay for a while, and you're obviously
too tired to interact right now. Rest for a while, and maybe you'll feel better.
Okay, Ally said, smiling wanly. Sara took the loose pillows from the
back of the sofa and piled them up at the far end, so Ally had some support for
her long legs which extended past the arm of the six foot long couch. It took
a little maneuvering, but she got comfortable, lying on her side, with her head
pillowed on Sara's legs. Are you comfy? she asked, her voice already
slow and sleepy.
Perfect. Mind if I rub your head?
Oh, yeah, Ally said lazily. That would be torture
Sara's fingers started to trail through the short, sandy hair, and by the time
she had made two passes, Ally was sound asleep.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Across town, in Noe Valley, Ryan was lounging on her bed, studying for a quiz,
when Maggie came down, surprising her a bit. Hi, the attorney said.
Did Brendan mention that he asked me to get involved in the negotiations
with the Bay Area BMW dealers for you?
Ryan blinked, having forgotten all about her hasty, impetuous decision. N
no, he didn't, Maggie. I'm not sure I was in my right mind when I told
him to pursue it, though. After all that's happened, it's obviously ridiculous
to encourage any form of publicity.
I agree, Ryan, she said, her voice becoming more businesslike. Seeing
how you've handled this entire matter gave me a clear indication that you couldn't
handle any more exposure.
Thanks, Maggie, she said, relieved not to have to worry about another
thing. We'll just buy a car with the insurance proceeds. No problem.
Let me tell you what I've negotiated, Ryan. You might still be interested.
Uhm
okay
shoot.
As you can imagine, the dealers wish is to have you and Jamie standing in
front of BMW regional headquarters, with dozens of photographers, and all of the
media outlets in attendance. They want a big press conference, with you making
a speech about how great BMW is.
Oh, that'll happen, Ryan said dryly.
Right, Maggie said. I know that what you want is to have
them drop off a car at a secret location, and never tell anyone they gave it to
you.
You read my mind, Ryan said. Did they go for it?
Not hardly, Maggie said. But my proposal is closer to your wish
than theirs.
Let's hear it.
Brendan told me that you were considering consenting to the ceremony they
wanted to have for you two at City Hall.
Well
we discussed it, Ryan said, but
Well, I have some contacts over there, and we've got a proposal from the
city to start a new program urging people to get involved when they see someone
in trouble. They want to call it, 'Be a hero San Francisco'. It would be
an ongoing program, and BMW would be one of the corporate sponsors. Once a year,
they'd pick the citizens who went out of their way to help other people in need,
and they'd have a ceremony honoring the nominees. Some committee would chose the
most deserving person, and they'd get a new BMW. There would be some cash awards
to people, too, and some other corporate sponsors will probably want to jump on
the bandwagon. The thing I liked about this was that BMW would definitely be in
the background. It wouldn't be like you were doing an ad for them.
Wow, Ryan said slowly. That's a pretty cool idea. So this would
be ongoing, huh?
Yeah, Maggie said. There would be a publicity campaign urging
people to get involved when they saw someone who needed help, and then there would
be the awards at City Hall once a year.
Hmm
what do you think, Maggie? Will this be dignified and understated?
I can't be involved in another media circus.
Here's the best news, she said. Because of all the hype, they're
more than willing to do the presentation without you guys even being there. Mayor
Brown is very sympathetic about how you've been harassed, and he thinks it would
make a powerful statement that you two couldn't even be present to get your awards.
I knew that I liked that guy, Ryan said. Now if I could just
get him to get out of bed with all of the pro-growth people, I'd be happy!
Different issue, Maggie said. So what do you think?
I'll have to talk to Jamie, of course, but I think it's a great deal, Maggie.
I really appreciate that you've worked on this for us.
It was fun, Ryan. I just want a ride in your new car.
You've got it, she said. Now I just have to find Jamie, and
see if she thinks it's as good an idea as I do.
* * * * * * * * * * *
As expected, Jamie agreed with the plan, and Ryan immediately got on her motorcycle
and rode over to the BMW dealer on Van Ness to get a brochure on the car. She
spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide on color and options, after Maggie
told her that BMW was amenable to ordering her any car, with all of the options
she might wish.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The loud ticking of a clock woke her, and Ally looked around confusedly, finally
meeting Sara's eyes. A clock? she asked, fuzzily.
Sixty Minutes just came on, Sara said, running her fingers across
the furrow in her friend's brow.
Wow, how long was I out?
A couple of hours. You must have been exhausted.
Mmm
I was, she said. She struggled a little to sit up, then
took a few long pulls off her sports bottle. Mmm
better.
How about some dinner? You must be starved.
I am, but I have to be careful there, too. I have to ease back into eating
normally or my system gets all screwed up.
What could you handle?
Oh, a salad would be good.
I can make a salad, Sara said. She got up and went into the kitchen.
You can have dressing now, right?
Indeed I can, Ally said. She sat on a kitchen stool and watched her
friend work, commenting, You look like you know your way around a kitchen.
Only for simple things, like salads and sandwiches. Nothing too fancy.
Ally was obviously not very verbal, and she sat with her chin on her hand, watching
Sara with a vaguely dopey looking smile. She continued to drink from her bottle,
and when she drained it, she refilled it with plain water. Passing by Sara on
her way back to her chair, she put an arm around her waist and gave her a squeeze,
placing a soft kiss on the side of her neck. Dinner's ready, Sara
said, pulling Ally's arm tightly against her body. Hungry?
I've been hungry for eight weeks, she said, releasing her hold.
They sat in the living room, munching on their salads, Ally nearly swooning over
the simple Italian dressing. She continued to hydrate herself, and when she finished
dinner she patted her stomach and said, By tomorrow I'll have lost ten percent
of my definition.
Sara's eyes widened and she gasped, That much! That fast?
Uh-huh. Ally got up to put her bowl in the kitchen, then refilled
her water bottle. How about a cookie? she asked.
Walking into the kitchen, Sara took a bag of chocolate chunk, macadamia nut cookies
out of the cabinet. These were the most decadent ones I could find,
she said, tauntingly holding the bag over Ally's head. In keeping with her usual
laidback style, Ally just cocked her head and rotated her eyes, giving Sara a
sexy half smile, her eyes crinkling a little as she did so. Want one?
Sara asked, lowering the bag to eye level.
Uh-huh, Ally drawled, her accent thickening slightly. One of
these will knock another ten percent off me.
Hiding the bag behind her back, Sara said, Then I don't think I want you
to have one. I know we're taking it slow, and I agree that we should. But if this
was your last competition I'll never get to
fully
experience that
cut body. Maybe you should stay in training for a while, she said.
Ally moved a little closer, and her voice dropped to a low, sexy drawl. You
know, that's about the third time you've alluded to my current body. Does it really
interest you? By the time she finished her question she was inches
from Sara, and the smaller woman could smell the clean scent of her own shower
gel on the muscular body.
Yeah, Sara said softly, lifting her hand to slide it across Ally's
chest and down her arm. It fascinates me. I've never been out with a really
strong woman, and I don't have a clue what a sculpted body feels like.
It sounds like your interest is almost academic, Ally purred, coming
even closer and pinning Sara against the kitchen counter. She placed one hand
on either side of the slim hips and hovered over her, giving her a slow, sexy
smile.
Yeah
just academic, she said, swallowing audibly. Kind
of an anthropological study.
I'm all for the pursuit of knowledge, Ally murmured, bending just
enough to be able to place tiny kisses along Sara's jaw. Give me your hands.
Blinking up at her, Sara extended her hands and Ally took them and ran her thumbs
across the palms. Then she took one slightly trembling hand and slipped it under
her roomy sweatshirt. Sara's eyes closed, and her mouth twitched into a grin as
Ally guided her fingers along the ripped muscles of her abdomen. Ooo
sweet, the brunette sighed.
The larger woman slid the other hand under her shirt as well, then pushed them
up until they trailed across her sports bra and came to rest atop her shoulders.
When Sara's hands were in place, Ally struck a pose, flexing her deltoids and
her pectoral muscles rhythmically. Good God, Sara murmured, her eyes
still tightly closed.
Like that? Ally's honeyed voice purred.
Love it
it's definitely love, Sara said.
Slide your hands down my arms a little, the body builder instructed.
Doing so, Sara growled with delight when the biceps flexed and released repeatedly.
So nice, she moaned softly.
Now feel my back, Ally said, tilting her head just enough to place
a gentle, tender kiss on Sara's slightly parted lips.
Sara's soft, warm hands slid across the larger woman's ribs, then slipped up her
powerful back. Ally moved and stretched and flexed her muscles, while Sara allowed
her fingers to trace every dip, every curve, every contour of the perfectly sculpted
expanse. Her breathing was becoming audible, but rather than easing off, Ally
bent her head and started to kiss her, increasing the passion as Sara's fingers
began to dig into the powerful muscles. The large hands went to Sara's hips and
pressed her hard against the counter, as Ally's mouth claimed her completely.
Unable to stop herself, and unwilling to even try, Sara's hands trailed down the
strong back and slipped under the waistband of Ally's sweat pants. Her hands grasped
the twin mounds of her ass through a thin covering of silk as she gasped in delight.
My, God, you're perfect.
Suddenly, Ally's hands were around Sara's waist, and she effortlessly lifted her
to the counter. Long legs hooked around Ally's midsection, drawing her in close
as their lips met once again in a searingly hot kiss. Sara's hands were everywhere
caressing every firm, starkly defined muscle, while Ally braced her forearms
against the upper cabinet and leaned in to lavish her captive with warm, wet kisses.
Unable to keep her hands from exploring, Sara continued to lean into Ally as her
hands dipped lower and lower. The larger woman moved back just a few inches, but
in her weakened state she lost her firm hold on Sara and the brunette started
to slide off the counter. Ally wrapped her arms around her, but gravity won, and
they slowly collapsed onto the floor.
Sara was panting softly, her eyes hooded and slightly unfocused. She maneuvered
Ally onto her back and grasped her sweatpants, pulling them down to her knees.
Dark blue print silk boxers modestly covered the prone woman, and Sara left them
in place, entirely focused on exploring the muscular legs and ass that she hadn't
yet been able to experience.
The short break and altitude change gave Ally time to collect her thoughts, and
she reached out and put her hands on Sara's shoulders. What happened to
going slow?
Slow? she asked hazily. Oh! She looked down, seemingly
just then realizing what was happening. I
just
had to
Her warm brown eyes rotated back to Ally, and she shrugged her shoulders. I
don't know what happened.
We got carried away, Ally said, caressing Sara's flushed cheek. I
guess our libidos are tired of waiting.
Sara dropped her head onto Ally's chest, hearing her heart pounding away furiously.
Mine's been waiting a long time. I haven't been with anyone for months
I guess it caught up with me.
I want to be with you, Ally said softly, but I don't want it
to be rushed like this. Can you be patient, Sara? It really means a lot to me.
She looked into Ally's eyes, their color a soft gray in the dim light. Nodding
her head, she said, Yes, Ally. You take as much time as you need. I'll do
my best to behave. Leaning forward, she kissed her gently. But it
won't be easy, she said, laughing softly. I'm so attracted to you
that I'm about to combust!
Reaching down, Ally tugged on her friend, then settled her against her side. Is
it my body?
Yes, but only partly so. I've never dated anyone who looks like you, and
I'm finding that I'm incredibly turned on by your muscles. But it's not just that,
she said. There's a dichotomy between your easygoing personality and your
powerful body that's a real turn on. And underneath that slow, easy, laid-back
style there's a very determined, very forceful woman, she added, her lips
curling into a sexy smile. I looooove that part. She placed a gentle
kiss on her lips and said, That's been a surprise, too.
A nice surprise? Ally asked, her slow smile melting Sara's heart.
A very, very nice surprise, she sighed. She kissed Ally tenderly,
teasing her lips with the tip of her tongue. It's deeply thrilling to be
with a woman who knows what she wants
and isn't afraid to get it.
I do know what I want, Ally said, I just need to wait to get
it. She patted Sara gently, indicating that she wanted to get up. She rose
to her feet, her journey a little ungainly because of her pants still around her
knees. Sara looked up at her and started to rise also, but Ally put a restraining
hand on her shoulder. Just because I want to wait, doesn't mean you have
to. She kicked off her sweatpants, then pulled her shirt off and stood in
front of Sara, revealing her body to the wide, but appreciative eyes. This
is more than I had on earlier today, she said. Their eyes met again, and
Ally said, I want both of us to get what we need. I'm not ready to have
sex, but I want you to have your pleasure. Feel free to explore.
Immediately complying with the invitation, Sara sat on her heels, her eyes fixed
on the powerful, sharply defined thighs just a few inches from her. Incredible,
she said, running her fingertips over the taut skin.
My legs are my best feature, Ally said, smiling down at the look of
rapture on the mesmerized woman's face.
No, no, no, Sara murmured. Your ass is
a work of art.
Mmm
the judges don't like it, because you can't actually see the
glutes. They like a really hard, taut look.
I'm not a judge, Sara murmured, just a fan. Crawling around
to the back, she ran her thumbs just under the swell of Ally's ass, shivers rolling
down her spine as she did so. Unable to resist, she wrapped her arms around her
and nuzzled her face against the firm mounds, her breath growing ragged as Ally
reached behind and stroked her hair. Ungh
I've got to stop,
Sara said thickly. I'm gonna start begging and that's just unseemly.
Laughing softly, Ally said, I'd stick with bodybuilding if the judges were
half as interested in me as you are.
Sara put her hands around Ally's waist and pulled herself up. Her eyes landed
on her abdomen and she said, Just one more little spot?
Sure. Go ahead, Ally said, standing tall and tensing her abs.
Moving to stand behind her, Sara pressed her cheek against Ally's shoulder and
reached around, letting her fingers play with the tight bands of muscle. Not
ticklish, are you?
Not at the moment, she murmured. It comes and goes
depending
on the mood.
Sara started to kiss Ally's neck, closing her eyes as her lips met the soft, slightly
damp skin. Now both hands played across her belly, with one daring hand moving
under the waistband of her shorts. Perfect, she sighed, her cool fingers
probing lower and lower into the rock hard muscle, finally brushing against soft
curls.
Ally's hand covered hers, and she turned to kiss Sara's cheek. That's about
as much as I can take, she whispered. You're bordering on an erogenous
zone that has a mind of her own.
Note to self
tickle Ally's belly the first chance you get.
Pulling the warm hand from her shorts, Ally turned and locked her arms around
Sara, intentionally holding on with every bit of force she could muster. Sara's
arms were pinned tightly at her sides, and she could not have moved an inch of
her own volition had she wanted to, which she most decidedly did not. Ally gazed
down at the serene look on her face and kissed her firmly. We're gonna get
along just fine, counselor, she murmured. I think we're a perfect
fit. I just hope it's not too perfect a fit, she thought, slightly
worried.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Late that night, as Jamie cuddled up to her partner, the taller woman jerked awake
and looked at her with wide eyes. I think I want blue!
Shh
Jamie said softly, rubbing her back to relax her. You
don't have to make up your mind right now. Your little brochure will be there
when you wake up.
Do you like blue? she asked sleepily as she started to drift off once
again.
Of course I do, Jamie said. It's my favorite color since I met
you and got to look into those beautiful blue eyes every day.
Ryan was nearly asleep when she once again jerked awake and said, Maybe
green! Then I'd think of your eyes.
Sleep now, Jamie said, rubbing her back comfortingly, color
choice tomorrow.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When Jamie woke the next morning, Ryan was lying on her back, eyes wide open.
Nightmare? the blonde asked softly, running a hand over the soft cotton
that covered Ryan's belly.
No, I'm just lying here trying to convince myself that it's okay to quit
the basketball team.
Now wide-awake, Jamie sat up and looked at her. I thought you'd decided
I have, Ryan said, nodding. But there's a difference between
deciding and getting up the nerve to actually do it.
Tell me what's going through your mind, Jamie said.
Well, I guess the bottom line is that even with all that's happened, I still
keep coming back to the one thing I can't get around. In essence, when I joined
the team, I gave my word. Quitting because I'm unhappy with the way things went
just cheapens my reputation. She paused for a few minutes, then said reflectively,
I've never quit anything before, Jamie. This is really hard for me to do.
I understand, the smaller woman said. But you and I have slightly
different perspectives. I think the bottom line is whether you think you're worth
it. Do you think that you deserve a little peace?
That's not how I was raised, Jamie, and it's really hard to go against that
conditioning. Following through on your obligations is paramount in my family.
I worry
I worry that Da will be disappointed in me if I quit, even though
he says he won't. I saw the look in his eyes when I told him that I was quitting.
He looked like he wanted to give me a lecture.
He might have been, she said honestly. Over time it's impossible
not to occasionally disappoint the people that we love. But the fact remains,
Ryan, if this is the right decision for you you have to make it
even if it might disappoint others.
What about you, honey? How will you feel about me if I quit? She asked
this in a very quiet voice, and Jamie ached for her partner, knowing how fragile
and vulnerable she felt at the moment.
Every day that you don't have to wear that monstrosity of a uniform is a
good day in my book, she joked. When Ryan tugged playfully on a lock of
her hair, she gave her a more serious answer. It doesn't really matter to
me. You're either going to be playing basketball or softball. You'll still be
gone for a few hours every afternoon, and you'll still have to travel for away
games. I really don't have an opinion. All I know is that I'm confident that you'll
make the right choice even if it's not the most popular one.
I'm glad one of us is sure of that, Ryan grumbled quietly.
I have enough confidence in you for both of us, Jamie said.
* * * * * * * * * * *
After her morning class, Ryan knocked lightly on Mary Hayes' door. The coach looked
up, and favored her with a warm smile. Ryan! It's great to see you again.
Come on in.
Ryan sat down and said, How ya doin, Coach?
I'm good, how about you?
Better, she said, smiling tentatively. Uhm
I wanted to
talk to you about my place with the team.
Are you considering coming back, Ryan?
The way she framed the question gave Ryan pause, and she asked, Do you
think I should?
The coach avoided replying directly, saying, Ryan, if you want to come back,
we'll figure out a way to make it happen.
Ryan cocked her head and asked, That wasn't a ringing endorsement, Coach.
Level with me, will you?
Folding her hands on her desk, she said, The school is very concerned, Ryan.
The athletic director was very, very upset about what happened in North Carolina.
If you come back, we're going to have to come up with procedures to ensure that
unauthorized photographers can't get into the arena. And some of the schools have
already expressed their concern about you being hurt in their gyms. Nothing that's
insurmountable, but it's something we're going to have to look into.
Ryan shook her head, finally letting out a short laugh. Has anything gone
right this season?
Not a whole hell of a lot, Mary said.
I think I'll just bow out gracefully, Ryan said. It really doesn't
seem worth the trouble at this point. Mary nodded, seeming like she had
expected the decision. Only one thing bothers me, Ryan said.
What's that?
I know this is the end of your contract. If my staying could help you land
a new deal, I'd do it.
Mary smiled at the earnest young woman and shook her head slowly. You know,
Ryan, I don't think I've ever misjudged a person as badly as I misjudged you.
I'm not even sure what it was, but I didn't trust you from the moment you joined
the team.
Glad to know I'm not just paranoid, Ryan said.
No, you aren't, she said. Over time, I've come to see how wrong
I was about you, but it's really too late now to do much good. I'm really sorry,
Ryan. If I hadn't let my first impressions get in the way, we could have had a
fantastic year, and you would have had a much better experience with us.
Shaking her head, she commented, Hell, if I hadn't switched our practice
schedule around, you wouldn't have been carjacked. You would have been sweating
your butt off right here in the gym.
Ryan chuckled wryly and recalled, As my grandfather says, 'If if's and but's
were candied nuts, we'd all have a hell of a Christmas.'
Mary gave her a puzzled look, and Ryan clarified. You can't look at it like
that. Going through 'what if' scenarios just makes you crazy. I should know,
she added ruefully.
I really appreciate your willingness to stick around to help me out, Ryan,
but much to my surprise, they're giving me a one year extension. The fact that
we've done as well as we have with so many injuries and so much turmoil has apparently
impressed the athletic director.
Good for you! Ryan said. I hope it goes well for you next year.
You know, Ryan, I've got to be honest, the coach said. You're
the least spoiled rich kid I've ever met. Your parents did a wonderful job with
you.
Ryan tossed her head back and laughed heartily. Coach, my dad's a cook for
the fire department. We're blue collar all the way.
But
you
Jamie's the one with the dough, Ryan said, still laughing. And,
by the way, she's not very spoiled either.
The coach shared her laugh, and asked, How's a woman supposed to get by
if she can't stereotype people, Ryan? Is nothing sacred?
Ryan stood to leave, and extended her hand. It's been interesting, Coach.
Yeah
it's been that. I still haven't been able to find out who spoke
to the tabloids about you, Ryan. I'm sorry I wasn't able to find her and kick
her ass off the team.
I have my suspicions, Coach, but I'd rather not get into it. I've just started
to calm down, and I don't need any more stress in my life. I just want to move
on and get back to the things that keep me happy.
I hope you get there, Ryan. You're a special woman, and I'm sincerely sorry
that things didn't work out with us.
I am too, she said. But it's only January, Coach. I've got five
months left of my college career. You might not have seen the last of me.
Meaning?
I think I might play softball for Hank Roberts.
Softball? At your height?
Smiling wryly, Ryan said, This is the only height I have. It'll have to
do.
Wow, the older woman said. That's an excellent team, Ryan, you
must be pretty damned good to be able to walk on.
Fixing her with her intense blue eyes, Ryan said, I am good. I could have
easily snared a softball scholarship, but it's not my favorite sport.
That was soccer, wasn't it? Mary asked, giving Ryan a sad smile.
Yeah. Soccer, field hockey, volleyball, basketball and softball in
that order.
Leaning back in her chair, Mary gazed at Ryan for a moment and said, An
athlete like you comes along once in a coach's career if she's very, very
lucky. I sure did blow my chance.
You know you really did, Ryan said, giving her a crooked grin.
But that's a moot point now. I think I'm going to join the softball team
just to go out on an up note.
I wish you all the best, Ryan, Mary said.
Just one thing, Ryan said. Coach Roberts might ask you for a
recommendation. Will you give me one?
That depends, Mary said. She got up and walked around to the edge
of her desk and sat down. Looking into Ryan's eyes, she asked, How are you
mentally. Did you see someone?
I did, Ryan said. It's been helping quite a bit, Coach. I'm
doing well, and I know my doctor would clear me to play if she were asked.
I'd prefer that she not be asked, though.
Are you sure you're well? Are you sure you can put up with the crowds? The
photographers?
I am. I still have issues, Coach, and I will for a long while, but I'm not
going to melt down again. I can handle things better now.
Mary Hayes reached up and placed her hand on Ryan's shoulder. I sincerely
hope that's true. You don't deserve any of the things that have happened to you
this year, Ryan.
With a warm, full smile, Ryan said, I hope I deserve Jamie. She and I just
got together this year.
Yeah, you deserve Jamie, the older woman said, smiling warmly. How
does she feel about your playing softball?
Mmm
it wouldn't be her choice. She thinks I extend myself too much.
Well, at least one of you has a good head on her shoulders, Mary said.
If Hank calls, I'll sing your praises, Ryan. That's the least I can do.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie rode her bike home for lunch and was pleased to find her partner in the
kitchen making an impressively large vegetable salad. Is that all for you?
the smaller woman teased as she got a good look at the serving-bowl sized meal.
Yeah. Want one? Ryan turned to give Jamie a hug, and said, I
thought there was a chance you'd come home for lunch. I think there's enough here
for two.
You're such a good provider, Jamie sighed as she sat down at the table.
How'd your morning go?
It was interesting, Ryan said slowly.
Interesting and you are often a dangerous combination, Jamie said.
Was it good interesting or bad interesting?
Mmm
neutral, Ryan said. I quit the team, but not before
Coach Hayes let me know that it would be a big hassle for the school if I returned.
Huh?
They're all paranoid about lawsuits if I or some other player got injured
because of the press. Even though it's died down, some of the other schools are
worried about it. We just kinda agreed that it was best to part ways.
Weird, Jamie sighed. Everything about this season was just plain
weird.
Can't disagree with you on that one, babe. Oh, I ran into Janae when I was
over at Haas. She's back at school, and she seems to be feeling pretty good.
That's a relief, Jamie sighed.
Yeah. She's even able to work out a little, but she's definitely not going
to return to the team.
I don't blame her a bit. Does Coach Hayes know?
Yep. Janae said she seemed relieved. Ryan shook her head and said,
I'll never understand Mary Hayes if I live to be 100. But I feel better
now that it's all resolved. I'm ready to move on.
Jamie laid her head on her companion's shoulder and sighed deeply. Can I
stay here? I was lonely today at school. I got used to having you all to myself
during break.
Sure, you can stay here. We can come home every day for lunch, and you can
sit on my lap to eat.
Jamie speared a crisp baby carrot and eased it into Ryan's mouth, alternating
bites until they had made a substantial dent in the meal. So, when do you
start softball practice? she asked lightly. Today?
Nope. I'm not going into this blindly. I pulled the schedule off the Internet,
and it's a little more aggressive than I'm used to, to be honest. I uhm
I thought they'd play a couple of games a week, but it's a lot more than that.
How many more? Jamie asked warily.
A lot more. Ryan gave her an adorably sheepish look and said, They
uhm
play 70 games this season, she said, gulping slightly.
70 games! Jamie gasped. In how many weeks?
Mmm
15, Ryan said.
That's
that's a game almost every day! she cried.
Ryan gave her an indulgent smile and said, No it's not, silly. It's only
four and two thirds games a week.
Slapping at her shoulder, Jamie said, Like that's a lot better? Ryan, you
can't afford to play four and five times a week
you'll never get your studying
in.
No, no, I didn't make myself clear. The team doesn't play a lot of single
games. They play double or triple-headers quite often, so most weeks they just
play two or three days. But they play every weekend
and I do mean every
weekend, she said for emphasis. Usually all three days of the weekend.
Is there a lot of travel, too? the blonde asked hesitantly.
More than I'd like, Ryan said. The problem is that they play
a lot of tournaments in the beginning part of the season, and they're all over
the place. Florida, Las Vegas, New Mexico
Jamie sighed heavily, and got up from her human chair. She walked over to the
refrigerator and took out a bottle of water, opening it and leaning her head back
to chug most of it. Coming back to the table, she stood behind her partner and
began to run her hands through the long, black hair, letting the calming action
soothe her so that she could think clearly. After a few long minutes of rhythmic
stroking she said, You wouldn't even propose this if it wasn't important
to you. If you think you'll get a lot of enjoyment out of this, and you're sure
it won't be too stressful I want you to do it.
Ryan reached behind herself and grasped Jamie's arm, giving her a gentle tug until
she was back on her lap. She nuzzled her head into her chest for a moment and
finally said, You're not happy about this, are you?
Jamie chuckled mildly and said, Given that I'm one semester from graduation
and still kicking around the idea of switching to a math major just to have extra
time with you, no. Having you fly all over the country without me isn't my idea
of fun.
Ryan looked up and gazed into green eyes as she said, Then I won't do it.
Case closed. She patted Jamie on the butt to indicate she wanted to get
up, but the smaller woman stayed right where she was.
Nope. The case is not closed, Jamie said. My season is starting
at the end of February, and I'm going to be traveling a lot. Is that something
that makes you happy?
Well, no, of course not, Ryan said. But you've gone through
this for both volleyball and basketball with me. It's your turn now, Jamie, and
I should have realized that before I even brought this up. I was just being selfish,
she said dismissively.
Jamie placed her hands on her partner's cheeks and gently tilted her head up so
that they gazed into each other's eyes. If I could get you to be more selfish,
I'd be happy. Competition means a great deal to you, Ryan, and when you do the
things that make you happy you're a better partner.
Ryan gave her a slightly puzzled frown, but Jamie sought to reassure her. You're
a marvelous partner no matter what, but I fully believe that the best way for
us to each be happy is to fully be who we are. You're an athlete, Ryan. That's
who you are in your heart. There's a joy within you when you play a sport
a joy that you don't have many other ways to achieve.
You bring me joy, Ryan said softly.
Yes, we bring each other joy, Jamie said. But this is a different
kind of joy. I can hardly explain it
but I see it on your face. The smile
you gave me after the first Stanford volleyball game will be imprinted on my brain
for the rest of my life, she said. I'd never seen it before, but I
saw it several more times. I saw a little glimpse of it every time you and your
teammates did something extraordinary. She dipped her head and kissed her
partner softly, trying to express herself through her caresses. It's worth
the sacrifices we have to make for me to see that look, Ryan.
It feels unbelievably wonderful to be so thoroughly loved, Ryan whispered
as she pulled her lover close to bestow a flurry of kisses on her soft lips.
I do love you, Ryan, the smaller woman said. I want you to do
this if you think it will bring you joy. Besides, I'll get to have you all to
myself next year. I don't mind sharing you a bit now, as long as I can look forward
to that.
The dark woman nodded, and said. I'm going to do a little more investigative
work, she said. If I'm satisfied with the answers, can I talk to Coach
Roberts and accept?
Yes, Jamie said decisively. I'm ready to let you go. I've had
a nice long time to savor you now it's time to share you with your jock
muse.
I think you've just coined another expression, Ryan said. A
strange one, to be sure, but I think it's unique.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When Jamie got home that night, Ryan was sitting on the front porch, a big smile
on her face. An even bigger first baseman's mitt was on her right hand, and she
was methodically snapping a softball into the pocket.
Been at practice? the blonde asked, assuming that Ryan would dive
in as soon as possible.
Nope, she said. I surprised myself, to tell you the truth. I
approached this in a methodical way.
Wow, Jamie said, rolling her eyes. You
methodical
go figure.
Giving her a pinch on the side, Ryan explained the decision process. First
I called Heather and asked her how she was leaning. She said that she'd play if
I played.
Jamie smiled, thinking that development didn't surprise her in the least, given
the crush she knew the freshman had on her partner.
So I went over and talked to Coach Roberts and asked him to clarify a few
things.
What things?
I told him some of the things that had happened on the basketball team,
Ryan said, surprising Jamie thoroughly. I tried not to bitch too much, but
I wanted to make sure that you could travel with us
that we could sleep
together
that I could go to a game separately if necessary.
What did he say? Jamie asked.
He said he didn't care if I went on a three-day drunk and rolled up to the
stadium stinking of gin, Ryan said. He said he learned a long time
ago that what matters is performance, and as long as I can perform, he doesn't
care about the details.
Smart man, Jamie said.
Yeah, Ryan said thoughtfully. He said that he realized I was
older, and hopefully more mature than some of the other players. He realizes
that we're, in essence, married. He said that he understood that our schedules
would be tough to coordinate, and that he would cut me as much slack as he could.
That sounds really good. What else?
Well, I told him about the fears the athletic director had about my playing
basketball. While I sat there, he called the A.D.'s office, and told him I was
thinking about playing softball. They had a long talk, and both agreed that the
situation was not nearly as worrisome for softball as it was for basketball.
Why, honey?
Mmm
couple of reasons. One, having photographers around isn't very
distracting. We play almost all day games, so there wouldn't be flashes going
off. Two, the fields we would play at are small, so the crowds aren't very big.
Heck, the photographers could lie down on the benches at most of the fields, and
snap away as long as they liked. No one would even notice.
That makes sense, Jamie said. So the athletic director wasn't
opposed to your playing?
He gave the all-clear, Ryan said.
Well, I can see why you accepted, Jamie said.
Not so fast there, Jamers, Ryan said. I'm not done yet. I went
over to the field a half hour before practice, and introduced myself to the players
as they came in to change. I liked the vibes, she said thoughtfully. The
players acted like they were buddies. Everyone was pleasant, and they all said
they were excited about having me join them. She gave her partner a sheepish
look and said, I think they might have seen me play basketball.
Jamie chuckled, I think everybody in the Bay Area watched that game down
in North Carolina. The Nielsen ratings must have gone haywire that night.
So, after I was satisfied there, I said that I'd join the team. Here's the
funny part though, she added. I told him I didn't want to start for
another week. She looked very proud of herself, and Jamie smiled her approval
at her.
Wow! What made you do that?
It was a tough call, Ryan said. I know I'll get along better
if I'm there early, but I also know that I'm still a little off stride. I decided
to do what felt right for me! The smile she gave her partner was
luminous, and Jamie rewarded her with an enthusiastic kiss.
I'm proud of you, sweetheart. That's very, very good news.
There's a season-opening tournament that first weekend, Ryan said
smugly. I probably won't be ready to play because I'll have so little practice
time. Isn't that great?
You're making progress, Jamie said.
Yep, Ryan said. Over time, I'll be a self-involved egotist,
and it's all thanks to you!
Oh, I think that will take a while, Jamie said. I'll be happy
if you begin to believe that your needs are as important as other people's. That's
my goal.
My goal is to play a game I like, with nice people, and try not to make
it the focus of my life, Ryan said seriously. I want that focus to
remain on you.
Now you're talking, Jamie said. Just for that, you get to pick
where we go to dinner tonight.
It took Ryan less than a second to say, Zachary's. I'm gonna try to pack
a few more pounds on before I start practicing. Zachary's can always be counted
on to contribute to the cause.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Where's Ryan? Mia asked when she came home a few minutes later.
She ran to Zachary's for a pizza. Hungry?
I could eat a Zachary's if I'd finished dinner three minutes ago,
Mia said. She climbed up on the counter and watched Jamie prepare a salad to accompany
the pizza. Did Ryan follow through and quit the basketball team?
She sure did, but as usual, she's gonna jump right back into another sport.
The blonde shook her head and said, She's gonna join the softball team in
a week.
That woman is something else, Mia said. One thing I'm sure of,
Jamie you're never gonna get bored with her.
Jamie shared her laugh and said, No, never bored. She may drive me mad
but she won't bore me. She gave her friend an aggrieved look and said, You
won't believe this, but she honestly thinks that she can still participate in
the AIDS ride, even though she hasn't started training yet.
Didn't you start in the fall last year?
Yep. October. Here it is, almost February, she hasn't ridden more than three
miles at a time since June, and my doofus girlfriend thinks she can do it with
no problem.
Well, she is pretty phenomenal. Maybe just being in good shape is enough.
Jamie was shaking her head while Mia was still talking. No way. Getting
used to being on the seat for hours at a time, and stressing your legs from hill
work are really critical, Mia. I'm worried that she'll hurt herself if she tries
to do this without putting in the prep time.
So, what are you going to do? She sure as hell doesn't take well to being
told what to do.
There's an understatement, Jamie said. I'm not sure, yet, but
I'm gonna try to penetrate that very hard head.
Ryan came in as they were speaking, and waved the pizza box under Mia's nose.
Hungry?
Starved! Let's just stand here and eat it out of the box.
Now, now, let's at least try to act civilized, Ryan said. She put
the pizza on a platter and carried it into the dining room, where Jamie had already
set out the salad.
They dug in, and in no time, a sizeable dent had been made in the large pie. Ryan
commented, I'm gonna work on my training schedule tonight. The one I made
up when we were down in Hillsborough won't work with my softball schedule.
Congratulations on making the team, Mia said. That's pretty
cool, Ryan. Are the uniforms more attractive than those horrible basketball ones?
You Hillsborough girls, Ryan said. All you care about is fashion.
She thought for a moment and said, I think the uniforms are pretty cute.
Why don't you bring your schedule down, and I'll help you work on it,
Jamie said. I know you'll sit here and pick at the pizza until it's gone
we might as well have something to do between bites.
Ha ha, Ryan said, but she nevertheless got up and went to her room
to gather her things. When she returned, she handed Jamie the softball schedule,
and she took her eraser and removed most of her proposed training rides from her
organizer. Okay, the challenge is going to be squeezing the rides in without
using many weekends.
That will be a challenge, Jamie said. Where do you want to start,
honey?
Well, I'm not going to start softball until next week, so I can ride a lot
this week, just to kick-off my training. She made a few notes and commented,
I can probably get in 100 miles this week.
That's a lot! Mia said around a massive bite of pizza.
No, it's really not, Ryan said absently. I should be doing 150
miles a week by February. I'm really behind already.
They started going through the schedule, week by week. It rapidly became clear
that Ryan was going to have to start riding before dawn most days to get her saddle
time in. This doesn't look good, the dark woman said. I guess
I'm just going to have to do what I can, and hope for the best. Maybe I'll take
the two weeks before the ride and really grind a lot of miles out.
Jamie tapped at the softball schedule, and said, Not if you make the playoffs.
The final game of the College World Series is less than a week before the ride
starts.
Ryan dropped her head onto the table, and groaned, Then I'll have to just
do my best. I'll ride in the damn SAG van if I have to.
You know as well as I do that you'd walk the whole way before you'd get
in that van, Jamie said.
Yeah, well, I might just have to re-think some of my notions about the ride,
Ryan said. It's important to me to participate even if I can't do
it as well as I have in the past. It's going to be very odd for me, she
said. I mean, for one thing, I won't be able to lead training rides this
year. That was always one of my favorite things about the ride, you know.
Yeah, Jamie said, echoing her partner's tone. That's one of
the ways you stayed connected to your fellow riders, wasn't it?
Exactly, Ryan said. Training people made me feel like I was
part of the whole. I'm afraid that I won't have that same feeling this year. I'm
going to have to just concentrate on myself.
Mia interrupted to ask, Aren't you going to do the ride, Jamie? I thought
it was going to be an annual thing for you two.
Shrugging her shoulders, Jamie said, There's no way I can train enough to
even consider it, Mia. I'd have to ride in the SAG van half the time and
that just seems silly.
Wow, the curly-haired woman said, I thought that doing this
together was a really big thing for you.
It is, Ryan said soberly. It's a very big deal to me.
This is just one more little challenge, Jamie sighed, giving Ryan
a hug. It'll work out, baby.
Yeah, I guess it will, Ryan said, gazing at her partner with sad blue
eyes.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie was ready for bed when Ryan came out of the bathroom, and the taller woman
approached her from behind to see what she was working on. She was sitting at
her desk, and it looked like her calendar was up on her computer. As Ryan got
closer, she became fascinated by the top Jamie had on.
It had been cold recently, and they'd both been sleeping in T-shirts. But tonight,
the house was quite warm, and Jamie had on just a camisole. It was an ivory-colored
knit, and it fit very close, following her curves like a second skin. The bodice
was trimmed with a satin appliqué that was significantly stiffer than the
rest of the material, and that was the detail that caught Ryan's attention.
An appliquéd flower was covering the top of Jamie's left breast, and it
gapped a bit, revealing a firm, pink nipple. Ryan felt her mouth go dry, her eyes
unable to tear themselves away from the sight. Her hand reached out to touch her
partner, but she stilled in mid-motion. They had expressly agreed to ask permission
before touching each other, and she wasn't about to break that agreement
but at the same time, she was afraid to ask for what she wanted.
Standing there, unable to decide what she should do, Jamie reached back and patted
her leg absently, silently indicating that she knew Ryan was there.
Ryan sat down on the bed, trying to make up her mind. The first tendrils of desire
had already faded, and she cursed herself for her indecision. She tried to remind
herself of what Amanda had told her. That at first, things would seem awkward
and fairly stilted. Amanda had urged her to struggle through those awkward moments,
promising that once they got past them, things would open up and begin to feel
normal again.
Jamie was just about finished, and she started to shut her system down. When she
was done, she began to stand, but Ryan impulsively said. Stay there for
a moment.
The smaller woman complied, something in Ryan's voice giving her pause. What
is it, honey? She started to turn her chair around, but Ryan reached out
and grasped the chair back, pulling it close.
Swallowing, Ryan quietly asked, Can I touch your breasts? She felt
like a very formal thirteen-year-old boy, but she didn't know how else to ask,
and she wanted to make sure that her request was framed properly.
Jamie started to turn again, but Ryan held the chair in place. She didn't want
to see the look on her face knowing it must reflect puzzlement at the very
least. Sure, she said softly, I'd like that.
Rubbing her hands together nervously, Ryan leaned over and cupped both of her
partner's breasts in her hands. She could feel a little bit of sweat start to
gather on the back of her neck, but her breathing was fairly even and she
didn't think she was going to have a panic attack. Jamie was still consciously
trying to allow Ryan to explore without comment or suggestion.
It felt much more clinical than erotic, but Ryan kept at it, letting her hands
grow used to the tactile sensations once again. Jamie's breasts felt just as glorious
as she remembered them, the firm flesh yielding to her touch. But even though
the physical sensations were the same, Ryan felt a definite barrier between her
body and her libido. A barrier as real as the fabric that kept her fingers from
feeling her partner's warm skin. The two parts of her seemed to have severed communications
her libido completely unaware that it was supposed to be enjoying itself
at the moment.
To Ryan's dismay, Jamie's body didn't seem to be having the same communication
breakdown as her own did. The blonde shifted in her chair and sighed deeply, then
placed a hand over Ryan's and pressed down. Nice, she purred sexily.
Her nipples grew firm, and Ryan could feel the mauve flesh around the peaks start
to pebble. She could feel her partner's breathing start to pick up, but she knew
she couldn't go any further without having a stroke, so she leaned over and kissed
her cheek. Thanks, she whispered. They looked too luscious to
pass up.
With a question in her eyes, Jamie swiveled around in her chair and gazed at her
partner. Immediately, she saw a hint of regret in the sad, blue eyes, and she
intentionally tried to make light of the situation. We're making progress,
baby, she said. You just keep asking anytime you want to touch a little.
Standing, she grasped Ryan's hand and took her over to her side of the bed. Tucking
her in, she leaned over and kissed her gently, then placed the hand upon her breast
once again and squeezed Ryan's hand under her own. We'll get there, Ryan,
I promise you.
For some reason, having Jamie leaning over her like that gave Ryan a little bit
of a jolt, and she felt greatly reassured when she felt a familiar tingle between
her legs. A warm smile bloomed, and she said. I know we will. Thanks for
being patient with me.
We're being patient with each other, Jamie said. I haven't been
making many moves on you either, sport. She released Ryan's hand and stood
up, then impetuously crawled over the long body to her own side of the bed, making
Ryan giggle.
Getting under the covers, they cuddled together for a few minutes and Ryan got
up the nerve to ask the question that Jamie's comment had sparked. Do you
ever want to touch me?
Yeah, she quietly said. It's always when it's impossible, though.
She was silent for a moment, then added, I think of you a lot when I'm in
class. And sometimes just seeing a certain curve will remind me of some part of
your body. She chuckled softly, and said, I must confess that I've
really turned into an ass-woman. Most of my images are of your perfect butt.
Wanna feel it? Ryan asked tentatively. I uhm
if you're
not
Before she could complete her sentence, Jamie's hand was palming her cheek through
her thin flannel pants, an impish look on her face. Just like I remember,
she sighed. Maybe a little leaner.
Yeah, I lost a little weight at the beach.
My hard-won gains, Jamie said. I'd just started to see some
progress, and then you stopped eating again.
My appetite's getting better, Ryan said. I think I'll start
gaining again.
You'd better, the blonde decreed. She leaned over Ryan and rubbed
noses. When I grab your ass, I want two handfuls. And I do mean hand 'fulls'!
Yes, ma'am, Ryan said. I'll make every effort to pump up the
booty.
Giving the butt another squeeze, Jamie slid her hand up and tucked it around Ryan's
waist, smoothing her T-shirt into place. G'night, honey, she said.
I love you.
I love you, too, Jamie. Ryan tightened her embrace and whispered,
More than ever.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The next morning, Ryan got up and put on her running clothes. As
she opened the front door she was rewarded with the sight of
no one. There
was not a reporter, nor a news van, nor a photographer in sight. She poked her
head out cautiously, then started to creep out of the door, making slow but steady
progress. Finally, she hit the sidewalk, where she stared in every direction,
finally standing still and scratching her head for a minute. No one? Who are
the poor, miserable wretches whose turmoil is more newsworthy than mine? May God
have mercy on their souls!
As she ran along the quiet streets, she considered that Jim had really had
a hand in quelling the feeding frenzy. There had only been one lone guy with a
camera in Noe this past weekend, and it was obvious that he was a free-lancer,
and now this. She was still observing a news blackout, but Jamie was back to her
normal habits, and she had informed Ryan that the media dialogue had now switched
to an outraged recitation of the sins of the media in hounded the poor, innocent
heroes
by the very same media that had committed the sins, of course.
Ryan didn't much care how the discussion morphed at this point. She was just immensely
glad that the focus had shifted from her and Jamie. We should call Jim this
evening to give him an update, and thank him for his efforts, she reminded
herself.
Thinking of one more task to accomplish, she varied her route, swinging by the
group home where Jennie lived. She was pleased to find her young friend sitting
on the front steps, neatly dressed in her uniform, massive book bag at her feet.
Hey! Ryan called out, startling the young woman from her reverie.
Oh
hi, Ryan, Jennie said, looking everywhere but into her eyes.
What are you doing over here?
I was out running, and I decided to see if you were around. I figured your
ride would be here soon, she said as she performed a few gentle quad stretches
to keep her legs warm. You look like something's bothering you, sport. Everything
okay?
Yeah, she said, still looking at the ground. I'm sorry, Ryan,
she said softly. I've been trying to figure out all week how to make it
up to you, but I can't think of a thing. Ryan saw the girl's lower lip start
to tremble, and then the tears started to flow.
How about a sweaty hug? Ryan asked gently, placing her hand on Jennie's
shoulder.
You're not mad at me? she said, her expression so heart-rendingly
sad that Ryan nearly started to cry, without even knowing why.
Of course not, Jen. Why would I be mad at you? She wrapped her in
a hug, trying not to transfer too much of her perspiration onto the neatly ironed
uniform.
'Cause of what my mom did, she said, looking up at Ryan like the
older woman must be missing something.
Jen. You're not responsible for your mom. You're only responsible for yourself.
Your mom's got some problems, and she's not one of my favorite people right now,
but nothing she does will ever impact how I feel about you. She grasped
the young woman by the shoulders and held her out at arm's length. That
is the absolute truth, Jennie. You and I are friends. There's nothing anyone can
do to change that.
She tumbled into Ryan's arms again, sobbing pitifully. I
I
I was afraid you'd never talk to me again. I thought I'd have to quit sch
sch
school.
Oh, Jennie, I know it's hard to trust that I won't abandon you, but I won't.
I swear I won't. I'm so sorry that I didn't call you after your mom's comments
came out. I
I just let myself get too busy, and I didn't stop to think
how that would affect you. Tilting her chin up with her fingers, Ryan looked
into her eyes and asked, Forgive me?
Sure, the young woman said, wrapping her arms around Ryan so tightly
that she let out a soft grunt.
A Lincoln Town Car pulled into the drive as they were hugging, and Ryan took a
quick look at her friend's face. You'd better go inside and get a tissue.
Oh, that's okay, she said. Robert has some in the car. He's
nice, Ryan. Wanna meet him?
I'd love to, Ryan said, walking the short distance with Jennie's arm
snugged around her waist.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When she came home from her run, Jamie had already left for golf practice. Ryan
puttered around the kitchen for a bit, making herself an English muffin with some
peanut butter on it, and then eating a nice, ripe pear. Her hunger partially sated,
she went upstairs to get ready for school.
A shower was the first order of business, and as she cleaned her body, she felt
a familiar, but long absent, sensation. A fluttering of desire began to bloom,
and as she made the water a little cooler, she trained the hand-held showerhead
upon her vulva and let it work its magic. In moments, she felt fully aroused,
and spread her legs wider to increase the sensation. Bracing one hand against
the wall, she relaxed into the experience and let her body respond feeling
an overwhelming sense of relief at how quickly everything fell into place. Just
like old times, she angled the showerhead just so, letting it thrum right onto
her clitoris.
Moments later, she felt the pulsing start in her uterus and radiate out, leaving
her weak-kneed and fully sated. Good Lord, that felt fine, she sighed.
Too bad Jamie wasn't still home. But even as the thought still rumbled
around in her head, the truth hit her. She would not have felt that wave of desire
if Jamie were still home. It was the fact that she was gone that Ryan was
sure she wasn't coming back for hours that let her relax enough to get
aroused. Her libido wanted to come out and play, but it wanted to play alone
and that thought filled her with dread.
* * * * * * * * * * *
She checked and double-checked to make sure that Jamie knew she was about to call
Amanda for their evening session. Ryan, go make your phone call, the
blonde finally insisted. I won't disturb you, and I won't pick up the phone
by mistake. Now shoo!
Feeling guiltier than she had since she was in grade school, Ryan made the call,
unable to think of even one topic to waste time and delay having to admit what
she had done. Getting to the point, she said, I feel like crap, Amanda.
I finally got sexually excited today, and instead of holding off until Jamie came
home, I masturbated. She said this with a voice full of self-loathing, certain
that her actions signaled a very deep and lasting problem between her and Jamie.
And
you're upset by this? Amanda asked.
Ryan wished that she could see the woman, knowing there was at least a hint of
censure showing on her face. Yes, of course! I haven't masturbated just
to please myself since we've been together. I don't do that any longer, Amanda.
My sexuality is for Jamie and me to share.
Oh, I see, Amanda said. Well, if that's how you feel comfortable,
I'm sure that you'll go back to that habit once things are back to normal.
You act like this isn't a big deal! Ryan cried, her voice rising much
higher than she wished.
It's not, the therapist said. Look, Ryan, your sexual response
has been shut down for weeks now. When it starts to wake up again, it's going
to do so slowly. It makes perfect sense to me that it would feel safe to touch
yourself for a while, then you can risk a little more and allow Jamie to touch
you. Your body is just trying to keep you safe, Ryan. Listen to it.
The young woman was fairly stunned by this advice. You really think my body
is talking to me?
Of course it is, Amanda said. Just listen to the signals it
gives you, Ryan. It knows what your mind needs. Let it guide you.
Ryan nodded slowly, starting to see Amanda's point. Okay, I'll try that,
she said. I just hope my body wants Jamie soon, 'cause my heart needs her
desperately.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The next day, when Jamie returned from school, Ryan was lying in bed on her back,
her legs elevated, one ankle crossed over a knee. Her hands were laced behind
her head, and she bore a contemplative look on her handsome features. Thinking?
Jamie asked quietly, careful not to disturb her partner when she was focused on
something.
Yeah, Ryan said, but not about anything too deep. She
patted the bed and said, C'mere for a minute.
Jamie kicked off her shoes and climbed up next to her, sighing deeply when Ryan
wrapped an arm around her.
You always do that, Ryan said softly.
What?
Let out a breath when I first put my arms around you. It always makes me
smile.
Leaning over to kiss her, Jamie said, It feels like I'm home. Like I'm safe
and protected, and nothing can hurt me.
It feels like that to me, too, Ryan said. She nuzzled her face into
her partner's sweet-smelling hair, and said, No place on earth is as welcoming
as your arms.
That will always be true, Ryan, the blonde said. Always.
She rolled onto her side, and started to trail her fingers down Ryan's arm, watching
a smile slowly form on her lover's features. Feel good?
Uh-huh, Ryan whispered.
Her hand moved slightly, and she let her fingers explore a little, moving over
Ryan's ribs, along her side, then across her shoulder. Tracing a collarbone with
her index finger, she asked softly, Can I touch your breast?
Ryan swallowed audibly, then nodded. Jamie could feel her take in and hold a breath,
so she kept her touch brief, and light. She knew that over time they'd get past
this discomfort, and she knew that the only way was to work slowly but
it broke her heart every time she saw how Ryan struggled with the tentative intimacies.
Ryan was the most emotionally vulnerable person she had ever met and to
have their blissfully intimate connection taken from them had taken a massive
toll on her.
Even though it was hard on Jamie, she pushed on knowing that they had to
get through this awkward time. Using just her fingernail, she scraped along the
soft cotton of Ryan's shirt running all around her breast. Then she let
all of her short nails rake across the rapidly firming flesh, tweaking the nipple
gently. Does that feel good? she asked softly.
Ryan nodded, not saying a word. She was breathing regularly, but just then Jamie
noted a quickening of her respiration, that didn't seem like arousal. Go
on, the larger woman whispered. Do that some more.
Complying immediately, Jamie continued to tease her lover through her clothing.
After a minute, she slipped her hand down between Ryan's slightly spread legs
and asked, Can I touch you here? Just for a moment, she qualified,
when Ryan hesitated.
Another nod, and Jamie touched her in much the same way, using her short nails
to rake up and down the seam of her jeans. Ryan's eyes were closed, and her body
was stiff, but she allowed the touch, which cheered Jamie greatly. Patting Ryan's
belly, she said, That's enough for today. I just wanted to have a little
visit to some of my favorite places.
Ryan wrapped her in a bruising embrace and whispered, I love you so very
much. It means so much to me that you're so patient and gentle with me.
Sweetheart, Jamie sighed. We're going to be together for seventy
or eighty years. Spending a few weeks getting comfortable with each other again
is nothing in the scheme of things. Our sex life is tremendously important to
me, Ryan. I promise to treat it like the precious gift that it is.
It is precious, Ryan whispered. Hugging Jamie tight once again, she
asked, Are you sure we'll get back to where we used to be?
We'll get back all that we had, and then we'll just keep going, baby. There's
not a doubt in my mind. We'll take as long as we need, no rush at all.
Thank you, Ryan murmured. Thank you for trusting in us.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Part 11 (conclusion)
Since both women had arranged their schedules to provide for Fridays off, they
were able to go to Noe when the mood struck them. Jamie played golf in the morning,
while Ryan worked on her independent study, and just after noon they headed over,
then spent most of the afternoon working on their respective homework. Ryan's
watch alarm went off at 4, and she stood as she shut it off. I'm gonna go
out for a little bit.
Want company? Jamie asked, stretching a bit. I could use a break.
Uhm
no. I have something I have to take care of. I won't be too long.
She gave Jamie a quick kiss and said, We can take Duffy out for a long walk
tonight.
You're not taking Duff with you now?
Huh-uh. I'm going alone. She went into the bath and combed her hair,
then gave Jamie a little wave and took off.
Now what's she up to?
Duffy was disappointed, as he always was when his company was refused. But Ryan
wasn't able to take him with, so she promised a long walk later in the day. Walking
down the quiet streets of her neighborhood, she considered her plan. Look,
you've tried every other avenue. He's been very helpful at times. What can it
hurt to give him a chance? A few minutes later, she spotted him going into the
side door of the church.
Hi, Father Pender, she called out.
Siobhán! How are you?
Not great, she said. Thanks for calling me over in Berkeley.
That was sweet of you to look me up.
Well, I would have gone by the house that first night, but I didn't think
I'd be welcome, he said. It's hard to know how much to press my luck.
I don't agree with my father's decision to cut you out of our lives, Father,
but he's not the easiest fellow to talk out of things.
No, he said, he's a man of strong convictions as am I.
That's not a good combination, love.
Maybe someday, she sighed. I'd like us to be able to acknowledge
our differences, and just move on from there.
That would be nice, he said. I hope you know that I have nothing
but warm feelings for you and your friend, Jamie.
I do, she said.
Are you just passing by, Siobhán? I've got to get inside to hear
confessions, even though I usually just sit and read. Not many people avail themselves
of the sacrament any longer.
That's why I'm here, she said, surprising him thoroughly.
You are? I haven't seen you in the confessional for years.
She shrugged her shoulders and said, Better late than never, Father. I'm
having a hell of a time, and I'm looking for peace anywhere I can find it.
They don't call our Lord the Prince of Peace for nothing, Siobhán.
Let's go talk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
A few minutes before 6, Ryan came sauntering into the house, a surprising spring
to her step. Martin, Maeve, Jamie, Kevin, Rory and Conor were just getting settled
at the dinner table, and everyone looked up when she entered. She stopped at Jamie's
spot first, offering a quick kiss.
The blonde narrowed her gaze and asked, Have you been drinking?
Just a pint, she said. A little before dinner drink. She
greeted every other member of the family, then took her seat. What?
she asked, seeing every set of eyes on her.
It's not like you to be drinking in the afternoon, Martin said. Are
you quite all right?
I ran into someone I know. No big deal. Unfolding her napkin, she
said, If I were trying to hide my drinking habit, I'd drink vodka. You can
smell Guinness on my breath from across the room.
Well, I suppose you're old enough to have a wee pint when you want one,
Martin said, seeing his daughter's ire start to rise.
Thank you, she said. So, what's for dinner?
Risotto, Martin announced proudly, pronouncing the word in such a
way as to make an Italian grimace.
Raising an eyebrow at her partner, Ryan asked in the same Irish accent, And
where did you get the recipe for this risotto?
Young Jamie showed me how to make use of everything I had in the ice box,
he announced.
Well, good for young Jamie, Ryan said, wondering if her father's family
actually ever owned the icebox he continually referred to.
This would be perfect with a nice steak, Conor said.
Mind your manners, boy. You need to eat more vegetables.
Yes, Da, he said, hiding a smirk. Ryan needs to drink less,
and I need more vegetables. Got it!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jamie was given a dispensation from cleaning, since she'd participated in dinner
preparation. So after the remaining children finished cleaning the kitchen Ryan
went downstairs to find her partner on the phone. No, that will be great,
Daddy. I think she might like to come, but if not, I'll see if Mia wants to play.
Sure, I'd love to have brunch first. Let's meet at 10. That will give us time
to go to 8 o'clock Mass. I look forward to it, too. See you then.
She hung up and smiled at her partner. That was my dad. He's in town until
Monday, so we're going to get together on Sunday. He specifically asked if you'd
be able to join us.
That's nice. I think I've finally made some progress with him, Jamers.
I think you have, too. So, do you want to play golf?
Mmm
no, I don't want to. But if you want me to go with you, I will.
No, this is voluntary. If you're not into it, you don't have to. I'll see
if Mia wants to go. Maybe she and her dad can join us.
I think I'd enjoy helping out over at Niall's this weekend. Some physical
labor sounds like just the ticket.
Do you uhm
want to talk about your afternoon? I don't want to pry,
but
I went to confession, Ryan said, sitting down on the bed and gazing
at her partner with an unreadable expression on her face.
Confession? Have you ever done that
I mean since we've been together?
No. I used to go every week, but I got out of the habit when I started having
sex. It seemed silly to go confess a sin that you had every intention of committing
again, the first chance you got, she said.
What made you go today?
I'm looking for solace, babe. I'm trying every possible avenue.
Sitting next to her on the bed, Jamie asked, Did it help, sweetie?
Ryan laughed gently and said, You know, it really did. Father Pender reminded
me that God would forgive me if I'd killed the guy in cold blood so long
as I was truly sorry for my actions. It seems silly, but he really reassured me,
Jamie. He put his hands on my head and prayed over me. She gave her partner
a shy, childlike grin and said, I feel lighter somehow.
I'm so glad, Jamie sighed.
We had a nice time together, Ryan said. I was the only person
to show up for confession, so we talked for the entire hour. He wasn't able to
help much at getting me to let go of my anger at the unnamed traitors, but it
was a start. He locked up when we were finished, and we went over to The Dubliner
for a pint. Just like old times.
You were afraid to tell your Da, huh?
Mmm
not afraid, but I didn't want to bring up a sore subject. He
doesn't want to have a relationship with Father Pender, but I do. We don't have
to agree on everything.
I'm glad you got what you needed from talking to him. Now, how about that
walk. Duffy tells me you promised him one.
That dog never could keep a secret, Ryan said, taking her partner's
hand.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Kisses? Jamie asked, drawing her arms around Ryan's warm body when
the larger woman crawled into bed that night.
Sure, she said. Kisses are just the thing to help me sleep.
Ryan rolled onto her back and cuddled Jamie to her chest. Kiss away, sweet
lips.
Okay
I think I can live up to that title. She snuggled close
and started to kiss Ryan gently, putting just a little heat into her caress. For
the first time since they had returned from the Bahamas, Ryan's mouth slowly opened
during the kiss, and Jamie slipped her tongue inside. A tiny, soft moan escaped
from the pink lips, and Jamie went a little further, and let her breasts press
firmly against her partner's.
They continued to kiss and suck on each other's tongues, slowly increasing the
passion until Jamie's breathing became erratic. Panting softly, Ryan pulled away,
and lay her head down on her pillow. Not wanting to lose the connection, Jamie
rested her head upon her partner's breast, pleased to feel the rapid heartbeat.
I can still make your heart race, the blonde sighed, very pleased
by her lover's reaction to her kisses.
Sure can, Ryan said, relieved that they'd stopped when they had. She
knew that some of her excitement was desire, but that another element was fear.
She kissed the top of Jamie's head, and they both relaxed together for a long
while. When Jamie was just about asleep, she rolled onto her side, and Ryan followed
her, pressing her body against her back.
In moments, Jamie's breathing evened out, and she fell into her usual state of
near-unconsciousness. But Ryan wasn't able to relax, even with her partner's soothing
presence so close to her. The heat of their kisses had turned her on more than
she was willing to admit to Jamie, and now the insistent throbbing between her
legs was keeping her from relaxing.
Fighting the guilt that lurked just under the surface, she slipped her hand between
her legs and touched herself, the reassuring feel of her own fingers soothing
her wounded psyche. Thoroughly relieved that Jamie was such a sound sleeper, she
explored herself in painstaking detail, letting her experienced fingers glide
over all of her most sensitive spots. As much as she loved her partner's touch,
there was something wonderfully reassuring and familiar about touching herself,
and she did her best to allow her body to fully relax and enjoy the sensation.
She held off for as long as she could, trying to wring the most pleasure possible
out of the experience. Gasping sharply, she came unexpectedly, her toes curling
as the rush hit her. She felt so sated and calm that she started to nod off immediately,
her wrinkling fingers pressed into her still-pulsing tissues.
* * * * * * * * * * *
On Saturday morning Jamie came upstairs to find Ryan and Conor at the breakfast
table. What are you two up to today? she asked.
I'd like to play golf, Conor said. Any interest, Jamie?
Mmm
I'm always up for a round. Ryan?
If I have to, she said, shrugging her shoulders.
It's not a sentence, it's a game, Jamie said. What would you
rather do?
Ride my bike. I need to get some miles in today.
Okay, Conor. You're on. Let me call the club and see when they can fit us
in.
She went to the phone and dialed the number, while Conor looked at his sister.
You're really gonna do the AIDS Ride, huh?
Yep.
Is that a wise thing to do, Ryan?
Nope. She stood up and cleared the table, placing the dishes in the
sink. Without another word she went down to her room to put her biking clothes
on.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Just on the other side of Colma, Ryan got on her cell and called her mother-in-law.
Hey, Catherine, she said in greeting. Would you like to have
lunch today?
Of course, dear. I don't have any plans for the afternoon. Where would you
like to go?
Uhm
your house. I'm out riding my bike, and I'd like to have a break.
My butt is killing me!
Oh, Ryan, that's such a long way to come. Let me come to you.
No, no, I can make it. I'll see you in an hour
or two. I've forgotten
how long it takes to get down there. Wish me luck.
Good luck, honey, and be safe!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Ryan arrived just after 1, her body covered with sweat, a bit of road grime on
her flushed cheeks. Damn! Have they moved Hillsborough a few dozen miles
down the 101?
You look exhausted, dear! Come on in and cool off. Ryan entered, then
immediately took off her shoes so she didn't scuff the floors. Catherine took
a long look at her and asked, You didn't bring any other clothes, did you?
Nope. I really didn't think I'd get this wet. It's warmer than I thought
it would be.
Go in the kitchen and get a drink, honey. I'll get you something to put
on. Jamie will never forgive me if I let you catch a cold.
Ryan gave her a slightly aggrieved look, then obediently went into the kitchen,
where Marta gave her a tall drink and a long lecture. Catherine returned, holding
a light blue dress shirt and a pair of navy blue boxer shorts. Nothing of
mine will fit you, honey, so I brought one of Jim's shirts. I bought some boxers
for him when I was in Italy, but I haven't seen him to give them to him. This
is the only kind he'll wear, and they don't do mail order, so I always stock up
for him when I visit.
She handed Ryan the shorts, and the dark woman gave her a broad smile. Silk?
These are the softest things I've ever felt.
It's a silk and cotton blend, so they're machine washable. I know you and
Jamie like to wear boxers around the house, so you just keep those.
No argument, Ryan said. She went into the nearby bath to put on the
clothes, and emerged a few minutes later. Marta snatched her biking clothes out
of her hand so quickly that she didn't have a moment to react. Marta! Those
clothes are disgusting! I can just toss 'em in the dryer for a few minutes.
No, no, no. The sweat will irritate your skin. I'll wash them for you.
She was reading the laundry care tag in the shorts as she walked away, leaving
Ryan to shrug her shoulders and take a seat at the table.
Would you like to take a shower, honey? I'm sure your muscles are stiff.
No, I'll be fine. It's going to take me a little longer than I had planned
to get back into riding shape. I've never gone this long without logging some
saddle time.
This is terribly important to you, isn't it, dear?
Yeah. I won't miss the ride, Catherine. I can't.
Oh, I wasn't trying to talk you out of doing it, Ryan. Far be it from me
to attempt that.
She smiled slightly and said, I hate to be so hard-headed about things.
I know this isn't wise, but it means more to me than I can put into words. It
gives me a full week to think of my cousin and remember all of the good times
we had together. He deserves at least a week of my time, Catherine. He meant so
much to me.
I know, sweetheart, she sighed. I only wish that you didn't
have to torture yourself to get in shape to do the ride. That's going to tax you
severely, and you don't have many reserves.
I know. But I can't worry about that. I'm going to do my best to get ready,
and then do the ride as best I can. Jamie doesn't believe that I'll ride in the
support van if I need to, but I will, she said, looking into Catherine's
eyes. I've learned that it doesn't matter how you overcome obstacles, the
mere fact that you overcome them is enough.
That's the spirit, Ryan, the older woman said.
Marta came back into the room, bent over and kissed Ryan's dark head. What
can I make to tempt you, Ryan?
Oh, just about anything, Marta. I'm not very picky.
Catherine recalled the lunch she'd had with the girls recently, and wondered if
she was going to have to feed the lanky young woman just like her daughter had.
Shrugging her shoulders, she decided that she was up to the task, if duty called.
* * * * * * * * * * *
After lunch, which Ryan managed to eat all on her own, they went out to the patio
and sat by the pool. Could I prevail upon you for a bit of advice, Ryan?
Sure. She sat up a little and looked at Catherine attentively.
I received a letter from Jamie's former nanny the other day. I don't like
to keep things from Jamie, but I know that she'd be hurt by it, and I hate to
do that.
Ryan scowled and said, Given what she's told me about Elizabeth, I can only
imagine the content.
She's very old fashioned, Catherine said. Flexibility isn't
part of her makeup. She's antagonistic to nearly every bit of progress since the
Second World War.
Sounds like my granny, Ryan said. So, what did this missive
say?
It was quite odd, to be honest. I started to think that Elizabeth might
be going a little senile, but other parts of the letter made her seem just as
sharp as ever. She sighed and said, She wrote to apologize for any
role she might have played in Jamie's downfall. Shaking her head she continued,
She theorized that faulty genes might have played a role, but she was quite
adamant that environment had to be at least partially responsible. She didn't
seem quite sure of what she should have done differently, but she mentioned that
she should have probably used corporal punishment on her. Her reasoning seems
to be that Jamie was brought up in such a permissive way that she feels free to
indulge in her darker urges.
If you add a few references to Jesus dying for our sins, my grandmother
could have written that, Ryan said, shaking her head in dismay. She shrugged
her shoulders and said, I agree that it will hurt Jamie's feelings to read
that, but she really hates it when things are kept from her. Why don't you tell
her you got it and briefly synopsize it. Just tell her that, as expected, Elizabeth
was unhappy to read that Jamie was a lesbian.
That's a good idea, dear, Catherine said. I'll burn the damn
thing so she can't read it even if she asks to.
It hurts me when my grandmother is so judgmental, Ryan said. I
know it's just her upbringing, but it still hurts.
I can imagine that it does. She patted Ryan's hand and asked, But
you still love her, don't you.
Of course. She's had a tough life, Catherine. She grew up dirt poor, with
an abusive father. The Church was the inviolate authority when she was growing
up, and it provided a vision of eternal happiness so long as one toed the line.
I can only imagine how appealing that was for a woman like my granny. She only
made it through sixth grade, so she didn't ever have the opportunity to really
examine the teachings of the Church on her own from an intellectual standpoint.
She never learned critical thinking skills. She followed the law to the letter,
but given her situation it makes perfect sense.
I suppose it does, Catherine said.
She also believed that punishing a child could take some of the evil out
of her. I suffered more than my share of beatings, but Granny still thought I
had too much starch in my sails.
Oh, Ryan, I didn't know, Catherine said, reaching out to cover her
hand. I
I'm speechless
It's okay, she said softly. I went through a short period where
I thought that I deserved to be beaten, but it didn't last too long. She
pursed her lips and said, Kid's minds are very funny. You can't understand
that your elders are acting irrationally, so you have to believe that you're the
problem. I used to feel kinda
purged, when she'd spank me like she'd
taken some of the evil out.
Catherine closed her eyes, looking like she was on the verge of tears.
Really, Catherine, it's okay, Ryan said. My aunt Moira found
out what was happening, and she got involved. It was a good lesson in a funny
way. It made me realize that adults make mistakes, too, and that there are some
people in your life who you can always depend on. She smiled gently and
said, Aunt Moira's never let me down.
Have you heard from your grandparents since the carjacking? Catherine
asked, not sure if Ryan had revealed her lesbianism to the elderly couple.
Yeah. I think she was proud of me for what I did, but she reminded me that
if I hadn't led such a sinful life there wouldn't be anything scandalous for the
newspapers to print. She gave Catherine a sly grin and added, Jamie
got the condensed version of that one, too.
Good Lord!
Yeah, she never misses an opportunity to point out the error of everyone
else's ways. Jamie really wants to go visit Ireland this summer, but I know the
experience will be mixed, at best. I'd hate to have my little protector deck my
Granny.
You can return the favor, Catherine said. Jamie would never
be that close to England and fail to visit Elizabeth.
Oh, boy! An elder abuse tour!
Catherine laughed heartily, then patted Ryan's shoulder. You'll get through
it. You two have been through worse.
Now, that's the truth, Ryan said. And I should be able to use
that line for years to come.
* * * * * * * * * * *
They whiled away most of the afternoon, and at 3 o'clock Catherine said, Why
don't you let me give you a ride home, sweetheart? I'm afraid it will be dark
by the time you reach San Francisco.
Ryan scrunched up her face and thought for a moment, then she nodded decisively.
My instinct is to ride home, she said, but I'm going to deny
my instinct this time. I'm tired, my butt hurts, and it probably will be dark
by the time I get home. Her expression turned a little sad when she said,
I have to be more careful. The carjacking showed me just how fragile life
is. I have to remind myself every day how much Jamie loves me and how much she
needs me. I can't afford to be so cavalier about how I behave.
That's a hard lesson to learn, isn't it, honey? Catherine asked gently.
It is, she said, but it's a very valuable one. I've told Jamie
before that I'd be much more careful, but it obviously didn't sink in. I hope
this time it does.
I do, too, Catherine said. Do you want to go now?
Sure. Stay for dinner?
Oh, I wish I could, but I have an event tonight.
Let me have Conor come pick me up then. You don't want to spend your afternoon
driving me around.
Yes I do. Besides, I want to see my girl for a few minutes. I want to spend
every minute with her that I can.
You and I think alike, Catherine. Let's rock.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Walking home from church on Sunday morning, Ryan held Jamie's hand snugly in her
own. I'm gonna miss you today, she said, giving her a shy smile.
Are you disappointed that I'm going without you?
No, not disappointed. I'm sure I'll have a better time hanging with the
boys. Construction work suits me so much better than playing golf. I just wish
you were going to be with me.
Jamie smiled up at her and reached around to hold onto her arm tightly. This
is one small area of our lives that I think we have to agree to disagree on. I
don't mind helping once in a while, but it doesn't bring me joy.
You're entitled to a few flaws, Ryan said. The fact that you
like to stay clean is a quirk that I've learned to live with. She leaned
over and kissed the top of her head. I just hope our children don't inherit
your clean gene.
Watch it, dirt devil. We clean people have our pride, ya know.
Your dad won't be offended that I didn't want to come, will he?
No. He knows you're not a golf nut. He doesn't understand it, she
said, but he knows it.
Come by Niall's when you're finished, okay? Maybe you can bring us some
snacks or something.
Yes, dear, Jamie said, rolling her eyes. I'll bring snacks.
I've got to remember to take my ATM card, though you guys could clean out
an entire 7-11!
* * * * * * * * * * *
Jim stopped by to pick Jamie up, and when they were finished, Mia offered to drop
her off at Niall's. After a trip to the store, they pulled into Niall's driveway
which the other's had thoughtfully refrained from using so Jamie would
have a convenient place to park. God, Jamie, we've never bought this much
for a week at home!
I guarantee it will all be gone within an hour, Jamie said. Well,
technically it won't all be gone. They always leave one chip in the bag and one
cube of cheese on the tray. No one likes to eat the very last piece for some reason.
The door was open, as usual, and they immediately went out to the back yard, their
arms laden with snacks. What in the hell are you doing? Jamie cried
when she saw the awful mess.
Break in the main sewer line, Niall said, wiping his face with the
hem of his shirt. We've got to dig the whole thing out. There's no water in the
house, by the way. He gave her a grin and said, It's good to see you
two, even if you hadn't brought food.
You guys can't eat this stuff! You're filthy!
We filled up a couple of buckets with water before we turned it off,
Ryan called out. We thought ahead so we could wash our hands.
Walking over to the trench that the workers were digging, Jamie stood above her
lover, with her hands on her hips. You are absolutely filthy, Ryan O'Flaherty!
You'll catch a disease if you eat with those hands!
Then you'll just have to feed me, she said, giving her a cheeky grin.
Jamie rolled her eyes and looked at the other members of the group. Only
six of you? Where is everyone?
People got busy once they heard we were hand digging a trench through the
entire back yard, Niall said. Wimps.
The group was made up of only Rory and Ryan, Niall, Kieran, Colm and Donal, and
each one looked like they'd done the work of three. The drain wouldn't have
been so bad, but someone, and I'm not saying who, got a little enthusiastic with
a pick and poked a hole in the water line. That's why we had to shut it off, as
well as why it's so damned muddy.
I'm a tile setter, Colm mumbled. If you wanted a plumber, you
should have hired one.
I didn't say your name, Niall said. You could have spared yourself
the humiliation. You should just be thankful that the two lines are right next
to each other. If we'd had to dig a separate trench, we wouldn't be quite so jovial.
Don't worry about it, Colm, Jamie said. I know Ryan loves to
play in the mud. I guarantee she's happy you broke the water line.
He gave her a grin, then looked at his brothers smugly.
We'll go in the house and get the snacks ready. Are you ready for a break?
We were ready for a break at 11 a.m., Niall said. We're starving
now!
Just hold on, Jamie said. We'll call you when it's ready.
She and Mia went inside and started to unload the groceries, then Jamie remembered
that she had a container of baby wipes in the car, and she ran out to get them.
We can at least clean our hands with these, she said.
I have to pee, Mia said. Does the toilet work?
Let me ask, Jamie said. I doubt it, though.
Hey, guys, does the toilet work? she called out the back door.
Nope. We've been using the sink, Niall said, grinning boyishly.
Jamie's hands went to her hips once again, and she scowled at the chuckling men.
Ryan? You'd better not have been sticking your butt in the sink.
She twitched her head, indicating the side of the house. They tried to convince
me to go over there, but the neighbor's windows were open. I walked down the street
and went to the little burger joint on Sloat. I was so filthy, they didn't want
to let me in, but I bought some burgers so they relented.
Mia was listening to the interchange and she said, Cover me, Jamie. I'll
never make it to the corner. She scampered out to the side of the house,
much to the amusement of the work crew. Why is the urge to go always so
insistent when you know there's nowhere to do it? she moaned. Luckily, she
was wearing a short skirt, so she accomplished her goal rather easily. Damn,
this feels good, she said.
I'm certain it does, Jamie said, rolling her eyes once again. Never
a dull moment with the O'Flahertys.
When Mia was finished, they went back inside, and after she followed Jamie's instructions
to use two baby wipes on her hands, they started to make the snacks. Niall had
almost nothing in the kitchen, but he had managed to procure a few big, plastic
bowls and a pair of plastic platters. He also had a few knives and a couple of
spoons and forks. Coming over here is like going camping, Jamie said.
You have to pee outside, the rooms are entirely empty, and the only furniture
is a picnic table and benches.
I think it's fun, Mia said. No one in my family would ever be
this casual.
Oh, they're casual, all right, the blonde said. Will you just
look at them? I've never seen people that dirty.
Or that hot, Mia gave Jamie a bump with her hip.
Hot?
The curly-haired woman paused, then stared at her friend. Don't tell me
you don't think she's sizzling hot today! I'm about to proposition her
and I'm not even that crazy about muscles!
Jamie looked out the window and stared at her partner for a moment. The group
had done a tremendous amount of work, and the trench had been dug to a depth of
about 2 and a half feet with a matching width. It ran from the water main in the
alley all the way to the foundation of the house, and it looked as if each member
of the group had been assigned a section to work on. Ryan's was from about 10
feet from the house down to Rory's section, which was about 10 feet from the start
of hers. She had worked quickly, and her task was just about finished. As Jamie
watched her, she stood for a moment and stretched, her muscles rippling as she
did so.
Since the carjacking she had lost the bulk that Jamie had managed to put back
on her over the previous month. But the blonde was sure that the scale wouldn't
reveal all of the weight her partner had lost. For while Ryan had not been eating
much, she had been exercising so vigorously that Jamie was sure she had put on
a good deal of muscle all in her shoulders, arms and back.
She was wearing a khaki green tank top, and a pair of buff-colored cargo shorts,
with a pair of ragg socks and her constructions boots. Always attuned to her breasts,
the blonde noted that Ryan was not wearing a bra and she reasoned that
she wanted to be unencumbered while she worked. A few months ago she couldn't
have gotten away with that but her breasts were always the first to go
when she lost weight much to Jamie's regret. It was still obvious that
Ryan was a woman she was just a rather modestly endowed woman at this point.
Getting back to work, she hit the bank of the trench with her spade, and every
muscle flexed from the effort. Her weight loss had highlighted every well-defined
striation of sinew, and as Jamie watched her work, she slowly realized that she
had stopped looking at her partner as a sexual being.
I don't look at her like I used to, she whispered, grabbing onto the
sink so tightly that her fingers paled.
Mia tucked an arm around her waist and gave her a squeeze. Hey
what's
going on? You look like you've seen a ghost.
I thought it was all her but it's not! I'm doing it, too!
Doing what too? Mia asked, thoroughly confused.
Jamie turned away from the window and leaned against the counter. I've been
blaming the fact that we're not having sex on Ryan but it's my fault, too!
I didn't
I didn't know you were still
not, Mia said
quietly. I just thought that once you got home
No, things haven't gotten any better, Jamie said. Well, that's
not true. We're trying to push things a little bit. We kissed for a couple of
minutes the other night, and Ryan even let me slip my tongue into her mouth.
Wrapping her arms around her friend, Mia whispered, Oh, Jamie, I had no
idea it was that bad. I didn't know that you weren't even kissing each other.
Things are very, very strained, Mia. She leaned against the counter
again and said, I just feel like shit. I've convinced myself, and my therapist,
that I'm back to normal but I'm not! I'm sleeping with one of the most
desirable women I've ever seen in my life, but I don't even feel a stirring anymore
when I look at her.
How do you feel? Mia asked.
Jamie turned back to the window and gazed at her partner for a long minute. Protective.
I want to wrap her in my arms and never let another thing hurt her. Her
eyes closed as she tried to fight back the tears that were always so close to
the surface. She's had so much pain in her life, Mia. It breaks my heart
that this had to happen to her.
It happened to you, too, James. I know you're all about protecting Ryan,
but you need some protection, too.
I know. It still bothers me a lot, and I'm sure it will for months to come;
but Ryan's wracked with guilt and remorse and anger in addition to the trauma.
That's what's so hard for her. She leaned against the counter, letting her
head drop down. Damn it, Mia, I don't know if I have the strength to resuscitate
my own sex drive as well as help Ryan get back on track.
Jamie, how could you feel sexual if you want to mother her? You have to
think of her as an adult to be attracted to her.
Yeah
I guess you're right. It has been hard to think of her as an
adult. She seems so childlike, Mia. So very fragile.
Are we talking about the same woman? Mia twitched her chin, and Jamie
stood and looked out the window again. The crew was cutting the pipe out of the
trench, and Ryan was at the front of the group. She had her arms wrapped around
the cut end and she was straddling it as they all tugged on it to free it from
the earth. The pipe was made of clay, and over the years roots from nearby trees
had grown into the slightly porous conduit, making the task all the more difficult.
That is not a fragile woman, Mia said. She looks like the Incredible
Hulk on an estrogen high.
She does, Jamie said, smiling fondly at the straining woman. But
she doesn't send off her sexy vibes any more. That's what I respond to.
Wanna see a sexy vibe? Mia asked in challenge.
Uhm
sure. What are you going to do?
Flirt with your girlfriend. You stay right here and watch. I guarantee I
can make her flirt back.
Uhm
Great! Be right back.
Mia darted away, leaving Jamie to stare after her in shock. A second later the
curly-haired imp was leaning over Ryan, saying something that the dark woman found
quite funny. Jamie couldn't hear a word, but whatever Mia was saying was completely
entertaining Ryan.
There was a problem with the pipe down at Colm's end, and the other guys ran down
to cut away some of the hardier roots. Ryan looked up at Mia and wiped her face
with the bandana she had in her back pocket. Then she sat on the bank of the trench
and crossed her arms, in what Jamie could only hope was an unintentional highlighting
of her braless breasts. The perky mounds strained against her tank top, both nipples
hard as pebbles. Again, Jamie hope that was because of the cool breeze blowing
across her sweaty body but she couldn't be completely sure. Mia squatted
down and said something else, and Ryan gave her one of her patented lopsided grins,
and Jamie felt her knees weaken. That was the grin that had captured her heart
the very first day she had ever laid eyes on the dark beauty, and the simple gesture
had the same dramatic impact on her today that it had then.
My God, she's gorgeous, she whispered aloud, letting herself really
see Ryan in a way she hadn't been able to lately. The guys were ready to pull
again, and Ryan got back into position. Just when they had the pipe lifted, Mia
said something funny and Ryan started to laugh, the kind of unrestrained belly
laugh that Jamie hadn't seen in a month. Her breasts bounced, her head was thrown
back, and she struggled mightily to hold on to the heavy pipe. With one final
tug it came free, and she swung one long leg over it to be able to push it up
onto the ground. When it settled with a thump, she and every one of the boys leaned
onto it, trying to catch their breath. Jamie could see how her top was stained
with sweat, so she rushed to take the beer and soda out to the workers. She was
tremendously pleased to feel an old, familiar throb between her legs, and she
had a definite spring to her step when she went outside.
Here's something to drink, guys. I'll be out with food in a minute.
She ran back inside and threw a bag of chips into one bowl, then ripped open the
containers of salsa and guacamole. Boxes of crackers and a mound of cheese cubes
filled one tray, and cut-up vegetables and dip filled the other. It took her two
trips to bring it all out, but that gave the crew time to wash their filthy hands.
Ryan sauntered over, her skin the color of the fine clay soil. How about
a kiss, baby? She pretended to grab Jamie's off-white slacks, and the blonde
danced away from her.
You keep those dirty hands to yourself!
They're not dirty. I just washed them.
You just sit right down on the picnic table and let me feed you. You're
an absolute mess!
Ryan did as she was told, smiling when Jamie popped a cube of cheese in her mouth.
Cracker, please.
Jamie placed one between her teeth, expecting her to bite, but Ryan pulled the
whole thing in and chewed noisily.
My little barbarian, the blonde said.
Have I told you how nice you look today? Ryan asked, batting her eyes.
No. Now what do you want? she asked, grinning at her.
Me? Can't I just give my beloved one a sincere compliment?
Sure you can. I'm sorry for doubting your motives, sweetness.
Uhm
Jamie? Would you go get me a beer? It's awfully far.
Scamp! she said, pinching her nose, which was about the only clean
part of her. Walking the 3 feet, she bent and took a beer from the cooler, then
presented it to her partner.
Thanks, Ryan said. Nice ass, by the way.
Oh, you are a feisty one today, Jamie said. I like you feisty.
The boys had cleaned up as well as they could, and they all stood around the table,
demolishing the food like a swarm of locusts. Mia watched in amazement as the
bowls and platters were cleaned methodically, most of the guys not even taking
the time to speak. That was astounding, she said to Jamie.
Yeah, they're keeping Frito-Lay in business, Jamie said.
Well, I think I'll head home, Mia said. You don't need a ride,
do you?
You drove, didn't you, sweetie? Jamie asked her partner.
No, I came with Rory, but we can all squeeze into his truck. Thanks for
delivering my sweetie-pie, Ryan said, smiling at Mia.
My pleasure. See you guys later tonight?
We might stay over and come home in the morning, Jamie said. It
depends on if I have to soak Ryan in the tub overnight.
Funny, the brunette said, wrinkling her nose.
See you all later, Mia said, kissing each of the workers on the top
of the head to avoid being slimed. She took off, then the boys went back to the
pipe to cut it into manageable lengths for disposal.
Jamie continued to feed her hungry lover with the pieces of cheese she had managed
to snare from the other vultures. You know what I thoroughly enjoyed today?
No, what? Ryan asked.
I enjoyed watching you laugh while you were flirting with Mia.
I was not flirting. But I was laughing. She looked down at the ground
and said, It felt good. Like I was using muscles that were beginning to
atrophy. She gave her partner a smirk and said, I don't know what
game you two were playing, but she told me that she'd bet you she could make me
flirt with her. How'd I do?
Oh, what a bad girl! You were intentionally showing off your breasts!
Nah. I was just cold, Ryan said. But I did give her my flirty
smile. Is that what you two wanted?
Precisely, she said. You're in your element today, Tiger. I
think that's why you loosened up and got out a few belly-laughs.
You're right, she said. I felt like a kid today. It was wonderful.
Jamie looked at her dirty face and dirtier body and said, I don't think
I ever played in the mud. Elizabeth had a real thing about keeping my clothes
nice.
Ryan almost bit off a sarcastic remark, but she realized that Catherine had probably
not had time to tell Jamie about the letter. Instead, she tried to make light
of it. Aw, come on. Everybody played in the mud at some point. Maybe when
you were real little.
I doubt it. When we'd see other kids playing in the dirt, she'd always make
some comment about how uncivilized they were. She was a real neat-freak.
She grew pensive, then added, I did get to be a little wild with Poppa sometimes.
Every once in a while he'd take me out and let me play like a real kid. He always
brought play clothes for me so I could pass inspection when I got back home.
Looking at Ryan for a moment, she said, Boy, it astounds me to think of
how outraged Elizabeth would be by you, baby.
Is that part of what you like about me? Ryan asked, cocking her head
slightly.
Jamie thought for a moment, and finally said, You know, I think it might
be. Of anyone I've ever met, you're the only person that I know Elizabeth would
completely detest. She chuckled softly and said, As much as I did
care for her, I used to have dreams of doing something to shock her so badly that
she quit and ran back to England, never to be heard from again.
Ryan stood and regarded her partner for a moment. Jamie was sitting atop the table,
looking perfectly crisp and clean. What would shock her the most about me?
Ryan asked.
Now? Or when you were little?
Now.
Mmm
she'd hate the fact that you were gay and happy about it.
Obvious choice, Ryan said.
Oh, it's more than that, though. She'd hate how comfortable you are with
expressing your sexuality. She paused a second as she said this, and Ryan
could see her hesitation.
I have my moments, she said. It'll come back. She said
this with a confident tone, but there was just a small undercurrent of doubt in
her blue eyes.
Looking up at her, Jamie closed her eyes for just a moment and said, I know
it will, sweetheart.
I still have glimmers of it, Ryan said. She took her bandana and dipped
it into the cooler, soaking it with the ice-cold water. Carefully, she cleaned
her mouth, then tried to do the same for her entire face, making good progress.
Once she was as clean as she could manage, she approached the table and put her
hands on either side of her partner's hips. Leaning in to avoid getting her dirty,
Ryan gave her partner a sexy smile and asked, What would Elizabeth think
of this? Then she leaned even further and planted a scorcher on her lover's
lips. She lingered for a long while, teasing Jamie mercilessly, only stopping
when the boys started to harass her.
Blinking slowly, Jamie mumbled, She'd be dead before she hit the ground.
A big, muscular woman, scandalously dressed, disgustingly dirty, and kissing me
like she owns my body and my soul shocking, I tell you. Simply shocking!
Aw, that was nothing. I could do much better, Ryan said. I was
hardly even trying to shock. For the first time in weeks, the blue eyes
were twinkling with glee.
What would you do if you were trying? the blonde asked, starting to
feel a little tingle in a very nice place.
Oh, I think I could make old Elizabeth swallow her teeth if I were
to try. She backed up a couple of inches and looked down at her partner's
feet. Nice. Are those new?
Uh-huh. I needed some new black shoes. Reaching down, Ryan removed
the slip-ons and placed them on the table. Uhm
why are you taking
my shoes off?
Just felt like it. You're a little overdressed. Looking at the attractive
green sweater her partner wore, Ryan asked, Wool?
Uh-huh. It's chilly out for mortals.
You don't need it. She reached down and grasped the hem of the sweater,
whipping it off her partner before she could utter a word of complaint.
Ryan! Jamie hugged herself against the chill, her cream-colored camisole
scant protection against the late January temperatures. I'm practically
naked!
Out of the corner of her eye, Ryan could see her cousins trying to look like they
were not watching their play. You're a long way from naked, she purred.
I should know. As she spoke she was unbuckling Jamie's belt. Are
you wearing panties?
Of course I'm wearing panties! Have you lost your mind?
Suddenly, Ryan gave her a completely serious look. I hope not. I'm trying
like hell to find it again. Playing helps.
Giving her a look filled with love, Jamie placed her hands around Ryan's mud-encased
shoulders and said, You play away, sweetheart. I'll be mortified, but you
can undress me in front of the boys if you really need to.
No, no, I just wanted to know if you could take your pants off if you had
to. Your pants aren't wool, are they?
No, they're micro-fiber. Uhm
Ryan
the look in your eyes is
starting to frighten me. I can tell you're going to do something nutty, but I'm
not sure what.
Nutty? Nah. Muddy? Yeah! She grabbed her partner and threw her over
her shoulder, then made a beeline for the trench.
Oh, no! No! Not the mud! Ryan!
The boys were stunned into inactivity all 5 of them watching with gaping
mouths as Ryan ran the last few yards and leapt into the muddy trench, sliding
several feet as she hit. Ceremoniously, she dumped her kicking lover onto her
butt, then got to her knees and started to cover both of their bodies with the
cold, wet goo, laughing the entire time.
Jamie was remarkably filthy in seconds, so rather than getting out, she decided
to wallow in it. But she wasn't going down without a fight. She got to her knees
and pushed Ryan onto her back, then grabbed two handfuls of slop and shoved it
down her tank top, slapping it to her skin as she did so. Shit! That's cold!
the dark woman cried.
Ryan tried to get some traction, but she had a tough time. Finally, she grabbed
her partner, who was trying to escape. They tussled briefly, then Jamie went down,
face first. Ryan steeled herself for the reaction she knew would be swift to come.
As expected, Jamie was furious all of her feistiness emerging. I'll
get you back, O'Flaherty. She hurled herself at Ryan, and the fight was
on. The boys came out of their stupors and ran to the pit, watching as the two
wrestled with all of their might.
Obviously stronger, Ryan was nonetheless at a disadvantage in the narrow pit.
She wasn't able to extend her arms out to the side, hampering her power and her
leverage. Jamie used the narrow confines to her advantage, shoving fistfuls of
the cold mud everywhere down Ryan's waistband, up the legs of her shorts,
into her tank top her actions making the larger woman laugh so hard that
she was absolutely powerless.
Rory watched for a moment, then noticed a goofy grin on Niall's face. What
in the hell are you looking at? he asked.
Jesus, Rory, I've got lesbians mud-wrestling in my backyard! Why does one
of them have to be my cousin! Where's Mia when we need her?
Out! he cried, turning each of the boys and marching them into the
house.
I can cover one of my eyes so I only see Jamie, Niall said, frantically
trying to think of a way to be able to stay and watch.
Out! The next guy that sneaks a peek gets my boot up his arse! He
eventually managed to corral the boys, giving the wrestlers their privacy.
Neither woman knew they were alone, just as neither had known they were being
watched. They were both so intent on torturing the other that they were completely
oblivious to everything in the world except each other and where to put the next
handful of glop.
Jamie launched a cruel offensive, managing to get past Ryan's slapping hands to
sneak up the leg of her knit boxers. She shoved the mud right between her legs,
then slapped it in place with her other hand making a wet plopping noise.
Oh, that's cold! That's fightin' dirty, Ryan moaned.
That's the intent during a mud fight, goofball, Jamie said.
Ryan knocked the smirk off her face when she hurled herself at her, knocking Jamie
to her back. Lifting her camisole with one hand, Ryan grabbed a handful of mud
and covered each breast with it, laughing loudly while Jamie screamed.
Dropping down to hover over her, she grinned and asked, Cold?
You know it is, you big lug. Now get off of me so I can get some of this
slop out of my clothes. It's starting to itch.
Do you give up? Ryan asked.
No, I most certainly do not!
Well, then I'm not getting off. She looked around for the first time
and asked, Where'd everybody go?
Search me, Jamie said, poking her head up.
Okay. Ryan started to slide her wet, cold hands into every possible
place they would fit.
The blonde started to fight again, unexpectedly getting a knee up to kick the
air right out of Ryan's lungs. She fell onto her in a whoosh, then lifted up just
enough to say, That wasn't very bright, cookie. I could have crushed you.
I can think of worse ways to go, Jamie said, making Ryan's body bounce
as she laughed.
Oh, you can, can you? Ryan leaned in and kissed her tenderly, and
all of a sudden the mud wasn't so cold, her skin didn't itch so badly, Ryan's
body didn't feel so heavy, and the ground underneath her wasn't very hard. All
that she felt was a slow rush of warmth that seemed to start at her toes and move
up as the kiss continued.
Someone moaned throatily, and Ryan shifted a little, pressing her firm breasts
into Jamie's. Her tongue slipped into her lover's mouth and Jamie began to suck
on it greedily, moving a leg to let Ryan snuggle a little tighter against her.
In a matter of moments they were moving against each other, tortured groans springing
from one woman, only to be matched a moment later by the other.
Ryan's kisses were so breathtaking that it took a moment for Jamie to realize
that her lover's hand was palpating her breast. Shuddering, she spread her legs
as far apart as she could get them, and Ryan pressed her leg firmly between Jamie's
thighs. The blonde started to tilt her hips, getting a good rhythm going, when
reality broke through and she realized where they were and what they were doing.
For just a second she tried to still her mind and let her body have free rein.
This was the most unencumbered she'd felt in weeks and she didn't want to destroy
the magic. But she knew there was a very good chance that at least one of the
boys would catch them and the thought of that was just too much to take.
Sweetheart, she panted out, we have to stop.
Stop? Ryan lifted her head and stared at her, her blue eyes glassy
and unfocused.
We can't have sex in a trench, sweetheart
can we? she asked,
willing to be convinced.
What? The dark head swiveled, and Ryan obviously became aware of her
surroundings for the first time. Oh, my God! We're humping in a trench!
Yeah. That about sums it up, Jamie said.
Ryan's head dropped onto her breast and she moaned, Fuck! The first time
I get out of my head, and we have to stop!
Jamie grabbed her and held on tight. We'll get there again, baby. I promise
you that. This felt really good really natural. We can get back here again
I'm sure of it.
I hope so, Ryan said, worry lines creasing her forehead. She started
to get up, but Jamie pulled her back down.
You can't leave until I see a smile on that pretty face. I have confidence
in us, Ryan, and I want to hear that you do too.
The dark woman took a deep breath, then nodded her head, showing her partner a
small, but genuine smile. I believe in us, she said, adding a gentle
kiss.
As they climbed out of the trench, Jamie asked, Got any bright ideas on
how to get home?
Hmm
Rory has cloth seats, and there aren't any sheets or towels here.
Looks like we're riding in the bed of the truck, punkin.
Boy, you really know how to show a girl a good time, O'Flaherty, the
blonde said. A bag of chips, a few cheese cubes, a couple of beers, and
a tussle in a mud hole. No wonder you had so much luck with the ladies.
* * * * * * * * * * *
They were both nearly frozen by the time they reached the house. Jamie had steadfastly
refused to put her sweater back on, insisting that the mud would ruin it. The
same went for her shoes, so she rode home with only Ryan's chilled body covering
her. You know that I'll never let you have a moment's peace if I catch pneumonia
from this, don't you? she asked, moments before they arrived.
Pneumonia is transmitted by a virus or bacteria, honey. Being cold has nothing
to do with it. That's a commonly held, but incorrect perceptio
Her
words were cut off by a muddy hand clapping over her mouth.
Can you just let me make an idle threat without injecting reality into the
mix? she asked, chuckling at the look on Ryan's face.
Rory pulled into the drive and got out to help them from the bed. To his surprise,
he had to help both his normally agile sister and Jamie, since Ryan was nearly
frozen. Get in the shower and stay there until you warm up, he ordered
sternly.
Yes, Da, Ryan said, giving him a wink. They entered the house through
the door next to the garage, confusing Duffy greatly. He quickly calmed down when
he was allowed to spend a few minutes sniffing them suspiciously, trying to lick
a little of the mud from Ryan's bare legs.
As the minutes ticked by, the emotional tone in the room began to change. It had
been less than a half hour since they'd been grinding against each other, but
Jamie knew the spell had been broken. Ryan seemed a little distant and withdrawn,
and hadn't met Jamie's eyes since they entered the house.
Uhm
I guess I'll go up to Rory's shower, Jamie said. I'll
just get undressed down here so I don't track dirt through the house. Can I use
the bathroom first?
Ryan turned and looked at her, holding her gaze past the point that made Jamie
uncomfortable. Stay here.
No, I don't mind
Stay here. Please.
Uhm
okay.
Ryan's eyes closed briefly, and she looked like she was about to cry. I
don't want it to be like this, Jamie. Jesus! We're hiding in the bathroom to change!
This is temporary, honey. Just until we feel like ourselves again.
No! Her eyes were blazing as she said, This has gone on long
enough! I'm letting this thing control me, and I'm sick of it! She reached
for the hem of her top and pulled it over her head, staring into Jamie's eyes
the whole time. She unlaced her boots and pried her socks off, and Jamie noticed
that her hands were shaking. Her shorts were next, then her boxers, which still
held a handful of mud. Suddenly, she started to laugh, shaking her head as she
said, Caitlin's diapers aren't this disgusting. You're an evil, evil woman.
Jamie chuckled right along with her, trailing her hand down her own filthy clothing.
I'm evil, huh? These slacks have to be dry cleaned, you know. What am I
supposed to say when I take them in? 'I fell into a cesspool'?
I'll take them in for you, Ryan said. Mr. Assarian is used to
my antics. He won't even blink.
You're a generous woman, Jamie said. She took off her camisole, then
dropped the slacks to the floor. As she was taking off her panties, Ryan stuck
her head in the shower and turned on the water.
Hop in, she said. Jamie did, and was surprised to find Ryan climb
in right after her. I need you to wash my back, she said. With
a scrub brush and Comet cleanser.
Jamie looked her over as the water made the mud streak down her body. I
think your hair is gonna be the hardest. Need some help?
Sure. Ryan's body was a little stiff and unyielding, but she bent
at the waist and let Jamie lather her up. Two vigorous applications of shampoo
did the trick, then Jamie put some conditioner on the long tresses and left it
on to penetrate.
My hair's a mess, too, she said, running her hand through a few clumps.
Let me return the favor. As Ryan's fingers massaged her scalp, Jamie
let herself savor the gentle, desperately missed touch. Ryan had a way of making
her feel completely loved when she washed her hair, and she tried hard not to
think of whether this was an anomaly, or if Ryan would be able to share this with
her again.
All too soon it was over, and Jamie felt the suds cascading down her body as Ryan
rinsed her with the hand held showerhead. All done? she asked.
Uh-huh. I got your head, neck and shoulders. You still need some work on
your ears, though.
Thanks. Jamie smiled at her, but Ryan was already withdrawing. She
turned her back and started to wash the rest of her body, not uttering another
word. Jamie did the same, feeling heartsick over the walls that seemed to rise
so easily and fall so slowly. She was just about finished when Ryan draped her
washcloth over the rod. Honey, you've still got mud on your back and on
the backs of your thighs, Jamie said. Want me to get it for you?
Ryan stood stock still for a moment, and Jamie could nearly feel her struggle
with her answer. Sure, she said briefly, her voice tight with tension.
Jamie took her own washcloth and lathered it up, then started to work on Ryan's
back. The long body was nearly rigid, but that only lasted for a few moments.
Ryan obviously tried to loosen up and let Jamie touch her, and after a bit, her
posture relaxed significantly. That feels good, she said.
You're probably stiff and sore, aren't you? the blonde asked.
Yeah
actually I am. That was damned hard work.
How about a little massage? Jamie asked, cringing in anticipation
of the rejection.
Again, Ryan struggled with her answer for a moment, then nodded. Okay. That
would help.
Jamie's eyes nearly bugged out of her head, but she hurried to take advantage
of the opportunity to touch her partner. She took the tube of shower gel and squirted
a generous amount onto her hands, working up a good lather. Starting at Ryan's
shoulders, she massaged the gel into her skin, using her thumbs to press hard
into the muscles, just the way Ryan liked it. Boy, you've developed these
muscles, she murmured as she worked.
Boxing really does it, Ryan said. I was able to work harder
today than I ever would have been able to before I started banging on the heavy
bag.
I like 'em, Jamie said. Although I'd prefer to have them covered
with a thicker layer of fat.
I'll get there, Ryan said. Now that I don't have those grueling
basketball practices, I should be able to keep some weight on. She leaned
over a little bit more, giving Jamie a better angle. Boy, that feels good,
she sighed. I miss our massages.
Then lets start them up again. It's a nice way to get reacquainted with
each other's body.
'Kay. I'll try.
When Jamie reached the small of her back, she worked the muscles hard, making
Ryan moan with pleasure. I've never known anyone who likes it this hard,
the blonde said.
I've never had a massage that was too firm, Ryan said. I just
love the pressure.
Jamie squatted down a little to work on Ryan's legs, digging into the thigh muscles
with as much force as she could generate. Nice, Ryan purred. You've
got very good hands.
Thanks. I think you're finished. Wanna do me?
Uhm
sure. If you'd like.
I'm a little stiff, too. Just work on my back for a few minutes, okay?
Ryan did so, letting her strong hands caress Jamie's muscles in a firm, but tender
fashion. How's this?
Perfect. I could never take it hard like you do. I like to be pampered.
Ryan slid her arms around her partner, hugging her tight. I'm gonna try
my best to pamper you more, sweetheart. I'm so sorry for abandoning you for so
long.
Hey, you didn't abandon me, baby. You just needed some space. It's okay,
really.
Tell me what you need, Ryan said. I want you to have what you
need, Jamie.
I'm getting what I need, Ryan. Really, I am. She turned in her warm
embrace and looked up at her partner. What do you need, love?
Her eyes closed and she whispered, I need to be touched. I ache to feel
your hands on my body.
Honey, I'll touch you any time you want. All you have to do is let me know.
That's the hard part, Ryan sighed. I'm afraid to let you touch
me, 'cause I'm afraid of where it will lead.
Oh, baby, it doesn't have to lead anywhere. And even if it did, we can work
through any problems that come up.
I'm afraid to have sex, Ryan murmured. I'm afraid to be that
vulnerable again. I'm afraid I won't be able to relax, or that I won't be able
to please you again. I worry about it all the time.
Oh, sweetheart, you have nothing to worry about. We just need to start slow.
Today was a good start, wasn't it? We're naked, and we're touching each other
really nicely. It will come.
I guess, she said, looking glum. It's a start.
We had a good start over at Niall's, Jamie said, giving her a playful
grin. We could have had a good finish if the boys hadn't been there.
Yeah, Ryan said, giving her a crooked grin. I just let my body
react for a change. That's what I need to do. Let my body speak to me.
Our bodies will speak again, Ryan. Don't you worry that pretty little head.
Everything will be fine, love.
* * * * * * * * * * *
It was still fairly early when they got home the early O'Flaherty dinner
hour helping to assure that. Ryan sat up in bed and started answering e-mails,
while Jamie sat at her desk, working on some problems for her real estate investing
class. After hearing Ryan sporadically fidgeting for a half hour, the smaller
woman finally turned around and asked, What's bothering you, babe?
Ryan's face bore a scowl, and she shifted once more. I'm having a hard time
getting comfortable. My back hurts.
What's troubling you specifically? Jamie asked. You didn't hurt
a disk, did you?
No, not really. I'm just stiff. I think I tweaked a muscle under my scapula.
Without another word, Jamie got up and approached her. Let me give you a
real massage. I didn't get to work on you much in the shower.
Uhm
okay. Would you grab me something to sleep in?
Sighing heavily, Jamie fetched her partner a T-shirt and a pair of boxers. Handing
the clothes through the bathroom door, Jamie went back to her computer and tried
to work. Eventually, Ryan came out, looking absolutely lovely her simple
beauty making Jamie's breath catch in her throat.
The outfit that she had chosen was one she had purchased for Ryan in Pebble Beach.
A blue silk T-shirt, just a shade darker than her eyes, and matching silk boxers
in the same vivid blue, with tiny red, white and yellow sailboats on them. The
deep hue brought out the vividness of Ryan's eyes, and made her hair look jet-black.
Even her dark eyebrows and lashes stood out, and Jamie found herself fascinated
with their color and texture.
The outfit was made for a man, but Ryan filled it out beautifully, the round globes
of her ass straining the soft fabric just slightly.
Her hair was put up in a haphazard twist, and a few strands had fallen from the
clip that held it up, and were now curling slightly around her face and neck.
Her freshly-scrubbed face made her look clean and bright and healthy the
pink hue of her cheeks enormously appealing to Jamie.
Ryan gave her a curious look, and then she looked away quickly after seeing the
open admiration, and unveiled interest on Jamie's face. I uhm
I think
I'll just hit the sack, she mumbled.
Let me give you that massage, Jamie said, trying to ignore the tension
in the room.
Nah
I think I'm fine.
Before she could change her mind, Jamie was on her feet. Grasping Ryan's hand
gently, she said, I'd uhm
really like to massage you. I miss touching
your body, sweetheart, and I know you miss it, too. We need this, Ryan. We need
touch.
The smaller woman could see the stab of fear that darted across Ryan's eyes, could
hear her start to breathe a little heavier but she didn't withdraw her
request. With deep admiration, Jamie watched her partner face her fears, and refuse
to give into them. I miss it too, Jamie. Without another word, she
took Jamie's hand and led her to the bed. Ryan lay down, face first, and pointed
at the areas that were troubling her. It's under the right scapula,
she said.
Okay, I can handle this, the blonde confidently said. I think
I'll go all out, she said. I'll give you the whole professional treatment.
You don't have to
Hush now, she said. I want to create a nice atmosphere and get
you thoroughly relaxed. As soon as I'm done, you can just drift off to sleep.
It's your first day of practice tomorrow, you know, she said. I want
to you be well rested.
All right, Ryan sighed. I leave myself in your capable hands.
Jamie lit a few candles and placed them on the nightstands, then turned on one
of Ryan's favorite CD's: a nice collection of traditional Irish songs performed
by an assortment of women artists. As the soft strains of the first tune began,
she sat on the edge of the bed and tried to decide how to approach her task.
Momentarily pleased that Ryan was willing to extend herself and allow the touch,
Jamie sighed in dismay when the larger woman made no move to remove her clothing.
Not wishing to push her further than she wanted, Jamie decided to work around
the impediments. She took a container of lightly-scented body powder, and pushed
Ryan's shirt up with one hand, while she sprinkled the powder all over her back.
Nice, the reluctant patient murmured when knowing fingers started
to glide over the smooth skin. Is that powder?
Uh-huh. I didn't want to get lotion on your clothes.
Mmm
good idea, Ryan said, her clothing obviously purposefully
intact.
Following the example that Ryan had shown her many times, Jamie patiently moved
up and down her back, never remaining in one place for too long. Ryan was completely
silent, providing very little feedback in stark contrast to her usual grunts,
groans and moans. It was like she was holding back trying to control her
response, but Jamie didn't let that deter her. She just kept working, focusing
on Ryan's muscles.
She had to tug the print shorts down a little, and she felt a wave of sadness
when Ryan tensed noticeably. But when she showed that she was merely trying to
get at the strained muscles in her lower back, Ryan relaxed a bit. Jamie's mind
drifted to the previous spring when she'd given Ryan a massage after their bike
ride up on Mt. Tam. The fact that Ryan had seemed so blasé about her near
nakedness that night even though they were just friends struck a
painful chord, and Jamie had to struggle to keep from crying. It felt like they
had so very far to go that things had grown so stilted and tentative between
them in such a short time that she was overwhelmed with sorrow. The only
way she could continue was to try to still her mind, and just concentrate on the
movement of her fingers, and the reaction of the individual muscles.
It took a lot of concentration to be able to ignore the pain in her gut, but Jamie
put all of her self into the effort. Even though she was sad, she forced herself
to let Ryan's body feel her touch to in some way let those nerves feel
her, to experience her as a long-absent friend.
With a frustrated moan, Ryan's entire body tensed noticeably. She let out a growl
and rolled away, a fine sheen of sweat appearing on her forehead and upper lip.
My brain won't give me a fucking break!
It's all right, sweetheart, Jamie murmured, her heart heavy. Time
and patience are the keys. We'll get there eventually.
Huh-uh, Ryan said, shaking her head defiantly. I'm tired of
being patient. I'm tired of waiting. I'm nearly phobic about really being open,
baby, and I'm sick of it.
I know that, honey, but this isn't the kind of thing you can force.
Ryan rose up on an elbow and cocked her head a little. Looking like an idea had
just occurred to her, she asked, Says who? Says who? I'm sick of
this touchy feely crap, Jamie. I'm sick of everybody telling me to just wait for
the right time. That's not who I am! She disentangled herself from her partner
and stood up, staring at her with eyes blazing. I have to be who I am! And
that includes this! I'm a person who takes action. Spending all of this time reflecting
has been helpful, but it's not helping any more. Now I'm just stuck, and I'm fucking
sick and tired of it!
How can I help you get unstuck? I'll do anything, she said.
It took only a second for the dark woman to make up her mind. I want to
make love, Ryan said. I want to look you in the eye and touch your
body
then I want to touch your soul. Her stern expression gentled,
and she sat on the edge of the bed, running her hands through Jamie's hair. My
soul needs your touch to heal. Taking her partner's hand, she brought it
to her lips and kissed it gently. My soul is hungry, Jamie. It's slowly
starving and only you can give it sustenance.
Looking up at her partner, Jamie saw the grim determination in her sparkling blue
eyes. She was filled with respect for the risk Ryan was willing to take, and immediately
sought to soothe her. Nodding briefly, she said, You're right. It's time
to stop talking and live. Extending her arms in welcome, Jamie murmured,
Come lie with me and let me love you, Ryan.
She did so, pressing her body against her partner's. Jamie tugged her T-shirt
off, then tucked her thumbs into the waistband of Ryan's boxers and slipped them
off her. She let her hands roam unfettered all across the smooth expanse of skin,
feeling her breath catch as she did so. The feeling was so glorious that she would
have been satisfied to just gently caress her partner, but Ryan was on a mission,
and she had no intention of stopping until she had broken every barrier that had
been erected.
Sitting up, Ryan started to unfasten the buttons on Jamie's pajama top. When it
was open she slipped it from her shoulders and dropped it to the floor, then spent
a moment letting her hand play upon the treasures now revealed. With a small,
shy grin, Ryan gazed into her lover's eyes and said, God, I've missed this.
I have, too. Maintaining her gaze, Jamie pulled the tie to her waistband,
and slid out of her pants, then cuddled up against her partner, relishing the
skin on skin contact. This is divine, she sighed.
Lie on top of me, Ryan said. I want to feel your weight pressing
against me.
Mmm
my favorite position. Shifting her weight, Jamie climbed
aboard and gazed into Ryan's eyes for a moment. How's this? You okay?
My heart's beating a little quickly, but I'm gonna ride it out, Ryan
said. Just stay with me. She started to perform her deep breathing
exercises, and after a few minutes she nodded her head. I'm okay now. I
started to think too much.
Maybe I can distract you a little. Turn your sweet little brain off and
just feel. Jamie dipped her head and started to kiss her, keeping her touch
slow and gentle, lazily playing with her lover. Tenderly, she caressed Ryan's
lips, nibbling a little, then sucking each lip into her mouth. Ryan started to
breathe heavily, but it didn't seem like anxiety this time. Persisting in her
explorations, Jamie leisurely probed Ryan's mouth with her determined tongue.
Mmm, Ryan purred as the blonde head pulled away. That's nice
very nice.
Reaching up with her hand, Jamie ran her fingers through Ryan's hair and looked
at her with concern. Are you okay, baby?
Fine. I'm fine, Ryan said. Uhm
let's just keep going
without analyzing it, okay? It makes me nervous to have you ask if I'm all right.
If I need to stop, I'll tell you, okay?
Perfect. She gave Ryan a small kiss, and asked, Do you want
to lead, or should I ravage you as usual?
Chuckling softly, Ryan said, I think I'd better lead, if you don't mind
being submissive for a change.
I can manage, Jamie said, intentionally trying to keep the tone light
and playful. Do you remember how? It's been months since you've had a submissive
woman in bed.
Smart ass, Ryan said, giving her partner a pinch. You're in
a pretty vulnerable position there, babe. You'd better watch it.
Especially when I'm lying on top of a big, strong, dominant woman like you.
Goodness knows what you're capable of.
Goodness has nothing to do with it, Ryan said, rolling Jamie onto
her back. Now, where was I?
You were about to dominate me, the blonde said, blinking up at her
innocently.
Ahh, yes. Having my way with fair, young maidens. My favorite hobby.
She settled much of her weight on her arms, as she hovered above her partner.
Jamie reached up and tenderly brushed her hair back, smiling up at her as she
said, This is the way I picture you when I fantasize about making love.
I think of you poised over me ready to pounce. Trailing her fingers
over her face, she continued, I love to feel your body on mine. It's so
heavy and dense, and just bursting with muscles. She managed to free both
hands and started to stroke the smooth muscles in the arms which strained a little
as Ryan held herself up. I feel like you're totally in charge that
I'm completely under your control. I know you'd never hurt me, but I feel a tiny,
tiny bit of trepidation when you hover over me like this. Kinda like when you're
on a roller coaster. You know it's safe, but still
But still
you never know when the tiger might strike, Ryan
finished for her, purring softly. She started to nibble all over Jamie's body,
latching onto every spot she could sink her teeth into. After a moment, her bites
started to tickle, and Jamie started to squirm under her. Ryan didn't slow her
assault, continuing to nibble and bite her breasts, the soft skin on her belly,
the backs of her arms. Flailing hands tried to keep her at bay, but Ryan merely
grasped both wrists and held them above Jamie's head, rendering her completely
helpless. The blonde struggled for a moment, then started to move under Ryan in
a decidedly sensual fashion, looking up at her with smoky green eyes.
Panting softly, Jamie told the truth that resonated in her soul, I put myself
in your hands, Ryan.
Oh, sweetheart, she sighed, her eyes fluttering closed for a moment.
Making yourself so vulnerable to me is such a gift.
I trust you completely, she whispered. I never feel safer than
when you're in complete control. I can hardly move a muscle, but I feel totally
cared for and protected.
You are, baby. You're always safe with me.
Do you feel the same with me? Jamie asked softly, staring deeply into
Ryan's eyes. Do you feel safe?
Uhm
yes
mostly, she said. I mean, I did before,
but now
Tell me, Jamie said. Tell me exactly what frightens you.
I told you before, she said, looking away, then biting her lower lip.
I think of how I almost lost you, of how I put your life in jeopardy. Then
I start to panic. She released her grip upon Jamie's wrists and brought
her arm down to brace herself more firmly, since her body had begun to tremble.
Jamie reached up and grasped her face, forcing her to make eye contact. Ryan,
what those men did to us was horrible. The things that could have happened, but
didn't, are equally horrible. But none of those dreadful things happened. At this
point, those men can't hurt us anymore we can only hurt ourselves, and
each other. She pulled the dark head down and kissed her hard. When she
released her, her eyes were blazing. We need each other now, more than ever.
But we have to focus on the reality of the situation. We can't let our imaginations
run wild. Focus on the here and now, Ryan. Please!
How? she asked, her question so simple, yet so complex.
Her hands were still holding Ryan's face, and she pulled her down onto her chest.
Feel my heartbeat, baby. Can you hear it?
Yeah
it's beating nice and strong. She placed a soft kiss on
the skin just over her partner's breast.
Feel my arms around you, holding you tight, she said, doing just that.
Mmm
safe and warm, Ryan sighed. There's no nicer place
on earth.
Feel the warmth of my skin, Ryan, and watch my chest rise and fall as I
breathe. I'm alive, and so are you. She kissed her lover again, then looked
into her eyes as she said. Every day we have is a gift. We saw how quickly
our world can be turned upside down, but we can't let that stop us from cherishing
the gift. I firmly believe we'll enjoy a very long life together, but even if
that's true, we still don't have a day to waste! Let's do our damnedest to not
let our fears keep us from exploiting the most precious gift the gift of
life.
Ryan raised up a little, letting her focus more clearly on the strength and determination
in her partner's eyes. That's always been my philosophy, she said
softly, looking puzzled. I've managed to lose track of that, somehow.
You can get it back, Jamie said. It's easy to learn, baby,
she said. After all, I learned it from you.
You did? Ryan's face creased into a warm, child-like smile. Really?
Of course. A couple of months after we met, you explained your philosophy
of life, and it was so appealing that I started doing some reading on it. My grandfather
and I talk about it all the time, Ryan. It
it helped change my life.
Remind me, she said softly, closing her eyes.
In a soothing tone, Jamie said, Be in the moment. Experience life as it's
presented to you not how you want it to be. Open your senses and feel every
sensation. Disengage your mind, and let your body rule.
Ryan closed her eyes and did her breathing exercises for a few minutes. Jamie
lay beneath her, watching the stress lines start to fade from her face. Her chest
rose and fell rhythmically, with each breath becoming fuller and easier. I
can do this, she said quietly. I know I can do this.
I know you can, too. I have nothing but confidence in you. And in us.
Giving her the crooked smile that always melted Jamie's heart, the dark beauty
whispered, Especially us.
Tossing her arms around Ryan's back, Jamie hugged her fiercely. Come on,
you big, powerful dom. Make me your woman.
I can't make you mine, Ryan said. You have to come willingly.
Raising a dark blonde eyebrow, the smaller woman said, Sometimes you give
me such a set-up that it's too easy to bother with. Like shooting fish in a barrel.
Such a clever girl, Ryan said. I love clever girls.
And I love you. Jamie kissed her gently, then lay back and waited
for Ryan to begin.
She was a little hesitant at first, her touch not bearing its usual easy poise.
But slowly, with Jamie's steadfast encouragement, Ryan began to regain some of
her normal confidence. That's it, baby, Jamie said. Yes
touch me just like that. Feel my body, let your body react to mine.
Time and again Ryan started to feel a faint tingling of dread creep into her consciousness,
but each time she locked her eyes onto her partner, allowing Jamie's fierce confidence
in her to pull her back from the edge. They worked together, determined to dispel
the darkness and let the light back into their hearts. Sharing everything, Ryan
slowly felt her heart open wide, and soon Jamie was nestled deep inside, right
where she belonged. Cradled next to her partner's body, Ryan whispered, I
can feel you inside of me. Like you're part of me once again.
I feel it, too, Jamie whispered. God, I've missed this. I need
this, baby. I need you to make me whole.
I'll never leave you again, Ryan said, a few tears slipping down her
cheeks.
Stay with me now, Jamie said, snapping her from her musings. Stay
right here, Ryan. Don't go away.
The dark head nodded, and Ryan bent to kiss her. As her tongue slipped into Jamie's
warm mouth, her fingers simultaneously slid inside of her, making her gasp. Kissing
her gently, lovingly, possessively, Ryan whispered, I'm here, baby. I'm
here for you. Feel me deep inside of you. She dipped her head and rained
kisses down on her partner, probing her mouth and her slick channel with the same
determined intensity.
As though she were being swept away on a thunderous wave, Jamie let go and felt
her entire body react to Ryan's love. The climax that raced through her was nearly
frightening so great was the release she felt, but Ryan was right there
with her and for her. Grasping the dark beauty with every ounce of her
strength, she let the larger woman's sheer bulk anchor her to the earth, lest
she float away on a cloud of pure sensation. Her body thrummed with pleasure,
every nerve dancing with feeling. Hold me, she whispered when she
found her voice. Never let me go.
Such a nice thought, Ryan murmured, nuzzling her face into her lover's
moist neck. Holding you like this feeling this close for the rest
of our lives.
Smiling lazily, Jamie started to stretch. An impractical, but utterly delicious
thought. Mmm
my muscles were starting to cramp. Running her hand
up Ryan's arm, she asked, I didn't bruise you, did I?
I wouldn't have noticed if you'd broken my ribs, she said. That
would have been a small price to pay for being close to you.
It was just like it used to be, wasn't it? the blonde asked gently,
a touch of wonder in her soft voice.
Ryan gazed at her for a moment and said, I think it was better. Much better.
I've never felt so close to you, sweetheart.
It feels so much more precious now, Ryan, she said. Losing that
intimate connection even though I knew it would come back, made things
so much harder.
I know, I know, Ryan said. I felt like I was drowning, Jamie,
and I just wasn't able to save myself. She kissed her gently and said, You
saved me.
No, not me, she murmured. It was our love. That's what's pulled
us through this, baby. It's a force greater than either of us, and it has the
power to save. Our love is our lifeline, Ryan, and it will always lead us safely
home.
The End
(To be continued in Book 13 Monogamy)
Acknowledgments:
As always, I thank my partner for the tremendous assistance she provides in helping
me to write the series; and Day, The Wonder Woman for all of her efforts in beta
reading and editing.
original
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