A SCANDAL IN EUBOEA
by Ryan Dever
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SCENE 1
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE. DAY.
We begin, as we so often do, with boots. They're Gabriel's boots and the CAMERA DOLLY'S along beside as she walks over green grass and up a hill, her staff marking regular time with her stride. She gets ahead of the camera near the top of the hill and stops. The CAMERA PEDESTALS up above her shoulder revealing the other side of the hill. It is a natural amphitheater and an audience has gathered to watch a group of traveling performers. They seem to be doing "A Midsummer Night's Dream".
PUCK
How now spirit! whither wander you?
FAI
Over hill, over dale,
Thorough bush, thorough brier,
Over park, over pale,
Thorough flood, thorough fire,
I do wander everywhere,
Swifter than the moon's sphere:
And I serve the fairy queen,
To dew her orbs upon the green :
The cowslips tall her pensioners be ;
In their gold coats spots you see ;
Those be rubies, fairy favours,
In those freckles live their savours :
I must go seek some dew-drops here,
And hang a pearl in every cowslip's ear
Farewell, thou lob of spirits, I'll be gone ;
Our Queen and all her elves come here anon.
Gabriel smiles and settles in to enjoy. The scene becomes hazy as we fade though various parts of the play. PUCK painted blue turns acrobatic tricks and the audience cheers and throws money. We PAN across Joxer who sits in the audience unseen by Gabriel. TITANIA in silly diaphanous wings being regal. Gabriel taking notes and stopping to laugh. BOTTOM entering with an ass's head. The audience practically falling over to throw more money except Joxer who finds this strangely disturbing. One man, in disguise, throws more money than the others. He is PRINCE INO we'll meet him later. The play comes to an end.
PUCK
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, (and all is mended,)
That you have but slumber'd here,
Whilst these visions did appear.
THE CAMERA SLOWLY ZOOMS FROM ITS PROFILE OF PUCK'S SOLILOQUY TO A WOODED CORNER OF THE HILL where there are hidden watchers. Bandits, waiting for the audience to leave so they can take the earnings.
PUCK
Else the Puck a liar call.
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
The audience cheers and leaves, some stop to give the performers bread or fruit but all are quickly gone. Gabriel approaches ROBIN.
SCENE 2
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE. DAY. (BEHIND THE WAGONS / BACK DROP)
GABRIEL
That was really good.
ROBIN
Thanks. Worth its weight in bread. (holding forth the spoils)
JOXER
Gabriel! Gabriel!
GABRIEL
Oh, nuts. And it was such a nice day.
ROBIN
What?
JOXER
Hey, what are you doing here? Where's Xena?
GABRIEL
I'm going to meet her at Marathon. (she starts to examine the ass's head)
JOXER
Alone? That's not safe. You should have someone to… you know… protect you.
No matter how sweet the sentiment is she can't help roughly shoving the head at him and turning away in disgust. All the actors have now given ROBIN the money they have been picking out of the grass. ROBIN deposits it all in a bag.
JOXER
Hey c'mon. Don't be like that.
The bandits attack. There aren't many of them, maybe four or five and some are mounted. It's a standard bank job, one does the talking and the others are crowd control.
BANDIT#1
This is your lucky day! Nobody resists and nobody gets killed.(to Robin) You there, blue guy, gimme that sac.
ROBIN
(Thinks about it. All his friends are in danger.) Take it.
GABRIEL
Don't just give-
BANDIT#2
(sword tip to her throat) Watch it pretty.
JOXER
(raising the ass's head over his own to strike Bandit#2) Get away from her!
Bandit#3 elbows Joxer in the gut causing him to drop the ass's head squarely on top of his own, backwards. Joxer goes down all confusion and flailing limbs looking like an ass. A slightly Xena look crosses Gabriel's face. As soon as the opportunity presents itself these losers are gonna get thumped.
JOXER
I can't see. I can't see!
ROBIN
Just take the money and leave us the food. (to Gabriel) There's always more audience.
JOXER
Hera, help me I'm blind! (gets to his feet)
BANDIT#1
( to Robin ) Smart, for a clown. (to his men) Move out!
Bandit#3 turns, leaving Joxer to stumble around ass backwards. As soon as Bandit#2's sword falls from Gabriel's throat she catches him under the chin with her staff then sweeps his feet. Bandit#3 turns with sword already swinging but Joxer bumbles in the way and gets flat sided to the donkey head. Which gives us a goofy look as he goes down again.
JOXER
Ow!
Gabriel places her foot on Bandit#2's neck to keep him down. Catches Bandit#3, who is still fowled in Joxer, in the crotch. He gives an "ooo right in the nuts" face and doubles over. She brains him double handed. The actors are amazed, the bandits are just trying to get away. Gabriel turns and sees Bandit#1 mounting his horse and taking to the hills.
JOXER
What's going on?
In a twinkling Gabriel is sprinting across tabletops and wagons making a bee-line for Bandit#1. THE CAMERA DOLLY'S FAST NEXT TO HER; back drop supports, make-up mirrors, costume racks and amazed spectators all flash between us. At the end of her run Gabriel uses her staff as a vaulting poll and we get Bandit#1's POV as she puts one boot in his chest and the other in his face. He hits the ground like so much metal wrapped spam with her still standing on his chest. She snags the bag of loot, which lies on the ground, with her toe and flips it to ROBIN.
ROBIN
(catching it) Wow.
GABRIEL
I'm really getting sick of half-Denar jerks like this.
JOXER
Take that! And that!
He is beating on the already disabled Bandits#2 & 3. The asses head comes off as he flails.
JOXER
(looking around) oh. Well I handled that pretty well. See even blind Joxer the great is more than a match for three of you.
SCENE 3
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE. DAY. ( TRAVELING )
Gabriel and Joxer are keeping the bound bandit's #1-3 marching.
ROBIN
I wish you'd let me reward you for that.
GABRIEL
I told you, it's fine.
ROBIN
We have to give you something.
GABRIEL
All right, how about one of your make-up kits?
ROBIN
Sure. (goes to a wagon to get it)
JOXER
Just wait 'till we get you to Thival you brigands. Lock you up and throw away the key… and I'm gonna be doing the throwing. You should see how far I can throw! Look at that arm. I said 'LOOK AT IT!
INO
( to Gabriel ) That was very well done, young lady. My compliments.
GABRIEL
You travel a lot you get used to them but I don't have to tell you.
INO
What do you mean?
GABRIEL
Traveling. You've come from the east, right?
INO
How could you-
GABRIEL
You've got black sand on your boots. It only comes from the east coast. I'm surprised, acting troops don't usually travel that far.
INO
I'm not with the troop. Like you I stopped to watch.
GABRIEL
Then why are you in costume?
INO
Great conundrums, girl. How do you do that?( he has just removed his gloves )
GABRIEL
( softly ) Your ring is showing your highness. ( he covers his hand ) Why is a prince of Euboea traveling incognito?
INO
By the dog, you're just what I'm looking for. How would you like to make some money once we reach Thival?
GABRIEL
Doing what?
INO
I have an urgent, delicate matter that must be resolved before my marriage next month. I am Ino, Prince of Euboea as you guessed.
GABRIEL
Gabriel of Potadea.
INO
I am pleased to meet such a keen mind, Gabriel. Next month I am to be wed to Semele, Princess of Iolcos. This marriage means a great deal to both our kingdoms. Euboea will gain Iolcos as a permanent port on the mainland and Iolcos will gain access to all the trade that comes to Euboea from across the Aegean.
GABRIEL
Sounds like good politics. ( she says nothing of it sounding rather loveless ) What's Thival have to do with it?
INO
Several years ago, ten to be more exact, I met a girl. I was young, the full weight of my office was not impressed apon me yet. I was taken with her. We shared some… None of this matters. She has letters that I sent her and I must get them back.
GABRIEL
Why not just ask?
INO
I have sent messengers to do just that. She has refused.
GABRIEL
Why are they so important?
INO
The Iolconions are very reserved. They might not forgive a man the flights of a young boys heart. Politics can be very messy.
GABRIEL
Is there any proof that the letters came from you?
INO
They are in my hand.
GABRIEL
That could be faked.
INO
They have my seal.
GABRIEL
It could have been stolen or forged.
INO
There is one last thing. ( he hands a piece of paper to her ) Hold it up to the light.
She does and we see the crest of Euboea water marked in the paper.
GABRIEL
What is this?
INO
When the paper is made that mark is pressed into it to prevent forgery. The paper can only be found in the palace of Euboea. I'll have to ask for it back.
GABRIEL
Oh, sure. Wow that's… Why won't she give the letters back?
INO
My advisors think she may wish to blackmail me once the wedding has taken place. She has all the charms of femininity but her mind is as sharp and resolute as the hardest of men. ( we don't know it yet but he is lying. Seeing that, Gabriel is not quite sure. ) It would be a match of wits. Worthy adversaries and all that.
GABRIEL
I'll do it.
JOXER
Do what?
SCENE 4
EXT. THIVAL. DUSK. ( TRAVELING )
The city is of reasonable size and the travelers are dispersing through a central market area. The acting troop are taking the bandits to where ever. Gabriel, Joxer and Ino stop to talk. Gabriel is holding the make-up kit that Robin gave in reward.
INO
It's decided then. I'll meet you two days from now at the inn.
GABRIEL
That should give me enough time.
INO
You remember where my agents told me Harmonia's house is?
GABRIEL
Yes.
JOXER
Now wait. Was it the yellow one to the left of-
GABRIEL
I'll find it.
JOXER
Okay.
SCENE 5
INT. INN / TAVERN. NIGHT
Gabriel and Joxer cross but we only see them from just above the waist to the floor. This is the POV of a small young man, an 'artful dodger' ( please see Simon in "SLOW BOAT TO CAIRO" ). He seems to be appraising Gaby's legs as he moves in behind them. They get to the bar and the man reaches out to Gabrielle, we see clearly now that he is going for the small purse on her belt. The man extracts a jeweled ring (Gaby lifted this ring from Autolycus back when they retrieved the Ark of the Covenant) she shifts her weight and bumps him. Thinking that one of the crowd just goosed her, Gabriel checks out the crowd. Her back is to the bar so Joxer gets to the Inn keeper first. The small man is hiding under the overhang of the bar top.
JOXER
We need a room.
INN KEEPER
( eyeing Gabriel ) Would you like the honeymoon suit? It's got a Jacuzzi.
JOXER
( that sounds like great idea ) Oh, hey-
Gabriel grabs the inn keep by his collars.
GABRIEL
What did you just say?
INNKEEP
Ah well…
GABRIEL
Do you think that I-
INNKEEP
No! Never. Two rooms, right. ( drops the keys on the bar )
GABRIEL
( picking up one key and leaving ) Pay the man Joxer.
JOXER
Could I get some herbal tea as well?
SCENE 6
INT. INN CORRIDOR. NIGHT
Joxer catches up to Gabriel as she opens her door.
JOXER
Jeez, you're in a bad mood. A guy might think it was that time of- (catches her look and thinks better of it ) Have some herbal tea.
GABRIEL
( taking the tea ) Thanks. Meet me in my room just before noon tomorrow.
Both retire to their rooms.
SCENE 7
INT. GABRIEL'S ROOM. NEXT DAY.
There is a knock at the door. A pause. Another knock
JOXER
Gabriel? ( opens the door and pokes his head in ) Gabriel?
Sees no one and enters. There is a note on the bed which reads "Joxer; wait for me. Gabriel"
JOXER
Oh sure. Joxer, wait for me. Joxer, pay the man. Joxer, protect me from murdering bandits. Why doesn't she just have me lick her boots while she's at it.
He sits in a chair and THE CAMERA DOES ONE OF THOSE SAM RAIMI START ON THE PERSON PAN AROUND THE ROOM BACK TO THE PERSON shots. By the time we get back to Joxer he is asleep, mouth open, drool on his chin. THE CAMERA DOES THE PAN AGAIN and as we pass the door it opens. Joxer awakes from a dream with a start and a
JOXER
Hee-aw! ( then he checks his head to make sure it's his own.) Who are you?
GABRIEL
( as an old washer woman ) Don't you recognize me?
JOXER
I've never seen you in my life how could I recognize you? Do you have permission to be here, old woman?
GABRIEL
I'm not old.
JOXER
Well I can't just call you woman.
GABRIEL
You could use my name.
JOXER
I don't know your name.
GABRIEL
( dropping the act ) After all this time? I'm offended.
JOXER
Gabriel? What are you doing in that get up?
GABRIEL
( working the stoop out of her back and putting cream on her red hands ) Scouring the flesh off my hands… and I thought writers cramp was bad. ( she flops onto the bed and laughs )
JOXER
Hey, why'd you keep me waiting all day? I don't think you appreciate-
GABRIEL
I'm starved. ( doffs the disguise ) Let's go get something to eat.
SCENE 8
INT. TAVERN. DAY.
Joxer and Gabriel sit at a table. There is a sandwich plate in front of Gabriel. Okay, so sandwiches hadn't been invented yet but that doesn't change the fact that she is waving it at Joxer as she speaks.
JOXER
So where were you all day?
GABRIEL
I got up before dawn, put on the disguise and blended in with the washer women that work in the square next to Harmonia's house. You know, gossip and all that.
JOXER
Clever.
Dissolve to.
SCENE 9
(A FLASHBACK)
EXT. SQUARE NEXT TO HARMONIA'S HOUSE. DAY.
WASHER WOMAN #1
Oh yes, Harmonia's the nicest lady in town.
WW#2
A little stand-offish.
WW#1
No.
WW#2
Yes, she is.
WW#3
Well you would be to if you were in her situation. Not everyone's as understanding as us.
WW#1
I'll say. People can be so judgmental over a little thing like that.
WW#3
Doesn't help matters any that she's been burgled twice in as many months. Once you're older you realize it's not so much how you get through just so long as you do and bring the ones that are important to you with you.
WW#2
So you don't care that she's got no husband even though she's got a son? Never even saw a ring on her finger.
WW#1
That'll change soon enough if that merchant keeps calling.
SCENE 10
INT. TAVERN. DAY
JOXER
What does any of this have to do with the letters?
GABRIEL
( tearing off a bit of roast beast that's hanging from her mouth ) It might seem like nothing but listen to what happened next.
SCENE 11
(Another FLASHBACK)
EXT. SQUARE NEXT TO HARMONIA'S HOUSE. DAY
A wagon pulls up in front of Harmonia's house.
WW#1
( nudging Gabriel ) That's the one we were tellin' ya about. ( to the other WW ) What's his name?
WW#2
Phineus.
Phineus dismounts, tips his hat to the WW and goes to the house. Gabriel goes to the side yard of the house. A quick look left, right and she's over the hedge in a flurry of rags.
SCENE 12
EXT. SIDE YARD OF HARMONIA'S HOUSE. DAY
Quick shots of Gabriel's hands and feet as she scales a low tree to get a better view. There are two stories to the house. Downstairs the front room appears to be a sitting room, the back a kitchen. We PAN FROM WINDOW TO WINDOW as the following unfolds. Phineus and Harmonia greet warmly. They talk and pass to the kitchen where she gets him a glass of something. He takes it and they continue to talk. Then he sets it down and becomes less casual. She goes to the sitting room, he follows. She turns in surprise. He nods. She disappears from the window as does he. Gabriel looks to the kitchen, back to the sitting room. Nothing. Then up to the bedroom where she catches the end of a whirling embrace. The lovers disappear again. Gabriel SCANS for them and realizes to late that they are leaving. Back to the hedge and out to the street just in time to see Phineus's wagon pull away with Harmonia on board. Gabriel follows on foot as fast as she can.
SCENE 13
INT. TAVERN. DAY
JOXER
You followed them? Why didn't you just look for the letters at the house?
GABRIEL
I didn't know where they were going or when they'd be back. And besides that, breaking and entering is illegal.
JOXER
So where were they going?
SCENE 14
(Still a FLASHBACK)
EXT. TEMPLE. DAY.
The wagon is stopped out front and Gabriel comes huffing up. As you might expect she is even more dirty and dusty than her disguise calls for. She goes inside.
INT. TEMPLE. DAY.
Gabriel enters and slumps in a pew catching her breath. Phineus and Harmonia are talking to the priest. There isn't an argument going on but the discussion is evidently of some concern. Phineus scans the temple and spies Gabriel. He makes right for her. There is an instant of panic. What should she do?
PHINEUS
You there. You'll do just fine.
GABRIEL
What?
PHINEUS
Come with me.
SCENE 15
INT. TAVERN. DAY
JOXER
You did what?
GABRIEL
Just shut up and listen. This is great.
SCENE 16
INT. TEMPLE. DAY
We get snippets of a wedding ceremony. The priest making motions. Vows being exchanged. Gabriel handing the rings to the couple. Rings placed on fingers. Laurel wreathes being placed on heads. Gabriel acting as witness and finally the veil being lifted and the whole thing is sealed with a kiss.
SCENE 17
INT. TAVERN. DAY
JOXER
They got married?
GABRIEL
Isn't it great.
JOXER
But how are we supposed to get the letters now? They're newlyweds they won't leave the house for weeks.
SCENE 18
(Even more FLASHBACK)
EXT. TEMPLE. DAY.
Phineus helps Harmonia on to the wagon and goes to the other side to get on himself.
HARMONIA
( handing Gabriel a Denar ) For your troubles. I don't know what we would have done if you hadn't been there. Thank you.
GABRIEL
Glad I could help. What will you do now?
PHINEUS
Celibratory picnic. (he uncovers a basket hidden in the back)
HARMONIA
(turning to Phineus ) Oh… under the oak tree by the river?
PHINEUS
Sounds perfect.
The wagon pulls away leaving Gabriel to look at the coin in her hand. SEGUE
SCENE 19
SEGUE TO INT. TAVERN. DAY.
Gabriel looks up from the coin.
GABRIEL
That means that they'll be home in a bit and it may be our last chance to get the letters.
JOXER
Why aren't we doing it now?
GABRIEL
Because breaking and entering is illegal. You have problems remembering that, don't you? Besides, they just got married, Joxer, it might change everything about how they live.(her plate is clean ) I'm going to need your help tonight.
SCENE 20
INT. GABRIEL'S ROOM. DAY.
Joxer sits on the bed as Gabriel talks from behind a dressing screen. There is a LIGHT SOURCE BEHIND HER so we see her SILHOUETTE as she rummages in the make-up kit. With dialogue over top. First she applies a fake nose with a high bridge. Then a hat which we will not make out clearly until she turns profile. She examines several types of smoking pipes. Finally she turns profile to check the mirror and she is a perfect Basil Rathbone / Holmes in deer stalker hat with a large pipe.
GABRIEL
I just want you to watch. There might be a fight, don't get involved. I'll be taken into the house shortly after that. When that happens I want you to sneak to the side window. It's the sitting room. The window will be opened and when I give the signal I want you to throw what's sitting on the dresser inside and call fire. Then you can wait for me up the road.
She decides the disguise is all wrong and starts again.
JOXER
( at the dresser ) What is this thing. Looks like an incense brassier.
GABRIEL
It is, it's filled with cedar chips and moss. All you have to do is light it with a tapper.
JOXER
If we burn the house down how are we suppose to get the letters?
GABRIEL
It's only smoke. We just want them to think the house is burning.
JOXER
Right. Get 'em outside so you can look for the letters. Pretty slick.
GABRIEL
No, Harmonia is going to show me where the letters are.
JOXER
Show you, why would she do that?
GABRIEL
Because she'll think the house is on fire. You grab the most precious thing and run, right.
JOXER
Oooh… You're pretty good at this.
GABRIEL
I read a lot.
Gabriel emerges as a priestess of Atheana. You know brainy, bookish, yet alluring. Atheana in the "Hercules" episode with Aphrodite and Aertimus in the beauty contest is the obvious reference point.
JOXER
Atheana, huh? I prefer Aphrodite myself but you're calling the shots.
SCENE 21
EXT. SQUARE NEXT TO HARMONIA'S HOUSE. DUSK
Gabriel and Joxer wait in a corner of the square. There are a number of people in the square so our heroes aren't conspicuous. The crowd includes: a tinker, sharpening utensils; two men drinking; a woman selling poultry; and some non-descript people sitting on / around the well or fountain ( whatever acts as the center piece ). If we look closely we'll notice that these are the players from scene one.
GABRIEL
One more time.
JOXER
All right all ready. I don't get involved until you've gone into the house. I go to the side, the window is opened, at your signal I throw this in and scream fire.
GABRIEL
Right.
JOXER
I still don't see how you're going to get into the house.
Phineus's wagon pulls up with the newlyweds. One of the drinking men rushes to help Harmonia down obviously looking for money. The second drinking man shoulders him out of the way, it looks like it might get rough. The tinker intervenes with an iron skillet and then everything goes to pieces. Clay steins over peoples heads, skillets in the gut, the woman selling poultry defends herself with rubber chickens. The wedding couple are surrounded. Gabriel rushes in.
GABRIEL
Unhand them knave!
Joxer's POV, something happens to GABRIEL but the crowd makes it unclear. She goes down with red stuff on her forehead. Joxer rushes in to "save her". Up to now everyone has been throwing fake punches so they are rather surprised when Joxer throws real ones. Most of the fight disperses. Phineus and Harmonia rush to the gate. Joxer slips Gabriel's arm around his neck to stand her up and she tightens it to a head lock.
JOXER
khgh!
GABRIEL
( bashing him on the head with the large tome she carries ) What are you doing you idiot.
JOXER
Saving you.
GABRIEL
This is part of the plan. ( shows him that the blood is fake )
The tinker decides to get even for a cheap shot Joxer gave him. The frypan comes down with unerring accuracy and Joxer kisses the stones. The poultry woman cries out.
PW
She's not breathing! ( Phineus and Harmonia turn back ) She needs help.
TINKER / ROBIN
No, she's breathing now. I can feel it.
PW
We can't leave her here.
TINKER / ROBIN
Your right. She should be got in doors.
Phineus helps Gabriel to her feet. Feigning wooziness Gabriel looks down and sees Joxer out cold. Taking a stein from one of the drinking men Gabriel "accidentally" spills it in Joxer's face. He sputters to consciousness with a
JOXER
Hee-aw! ( and once again checks his head to make sure it's his own )
HARMONIA
She can't even hold a cup. Here let's get you some place comfortable.
Phineus, Harmonia, and Gabriel go inside. Joxer goes to the side of the house and bumbles his way through the hedge.
SCENE 22
INT. HARMONIA'S HOUSE. DUSK
HARMONIA
The couch is right here. Phineus get her some water.
Phineus goes to the kitchen.
SCENE 23
EXT. HARMONIA'S HOUSE. DUSK
Joxer creeps to the window, produces a flask of oil to prime the brassier with. Then tries to look through the cracks in the shutters.
SCENE 24
INT. HARMONIA'S HOUSE. DUSK.
HARMONIA
Thank you for your help. I don't know what happened. The neighborhood was always so quiet but in the last few months… You know I've been broken into twice.
GABRIEL
Could I have a little air. ( motioning to the window )
HARMONIA
Of course.
Crosses, opens the window and we hear Joxer get brained. Gabriel covers by coughing.
PHINEUS
( entering ) Here's the water.
GABRIEL
Thank you.
EXT. HARMONIA'S HOUSE. DUSK.
Joxer has dumped the oil all over himself. He wipes it off his hands and looks in the window.
INT. HARMONIA'S HOUSE. DUSK.
PHINEUS
Honey, I'm going to check on Inois.
HARMONIA
Okay, I think ah-
GABRIEL
Titania.
HARMONIA
What pretty name. I think Titania will be fine in just a bit.
Gabriel gives the signal as soon as Phineus leaves the room.
EXT. HARMONIA'S HOUSE. DUSK.
Joxer fumbles with a tinder box and tapper. It's not working.
INT. HARMONIA'S HOUSE. DUSK.
HARMONIA
I don't recognize you. Are you from around here?
GABRIEL
No, I'm just passing through.
HARMONIA
Pilgrimage, huh?
GABRIEL
Yes. Searching for lost writings.
Where the hell is that fire?! Joxer is still fumbling.
INOIS
( entering )Mom who's that?
Inois looks like Ino and he's about ten years old. Gabriel pieces this together quite quickly.
HARMONIA
This is Titania, Inois. Where have you been? I thought Phineus went to find you?
INOIS
( to Gabriel ) Why's there blood on your head? ( touches Gabriel's forehead )
GABRIEL
There was a scuffle outside but I'm okay.
PHINEUS
( entering ) There you are, bug. I couldn't find you in the garden.
INOIS
I hid.
HARMONIA
Go get washed for dinner.
Inois obviously wants to stay and look at the priestess of Atheana. Phineus takes him by the shoulders and guides him out. As they are leaving Inois sniffs the "blood" on his fingers then licks it. Harmonia catches the following.
INOIS
( quietly, while leaving ) Beat juice.
PHINEUS
From the garden?
Suddenly the smoking brassier comes through the window. Joxer having finally succeeded in setting himself alight screams
JOXER
FIRE! I'm on fire!
and runs into the night with flaming hands and pant leg. Phineus leaves with the boy in tow ready to get his new family out of the supposedly burning house Harmonia opens a small hiding place in the wall. Once Gabriel sees where the letters are hidden she says
GABRIEL
Wait! Wait. It's just a brassier. Here, I've got it.
Phineus re-enters for his wife.
HARMONIA
It was just a brassier. It's okay. ( leaving ) Inois. It's okay, there's no fire.
Gabriel looks at the hiding place but Phineus is still in the room.
GABRIEL
Your evening has been too exciting already. I'm feeling better so I'll just dispose of this ( brassier ) on my way.
SCENE 25
EXT. ROAD. NIGHT.
Joxer stands at the side of the road, a bucket is stuck on his foot and smoke billows from the top of his pant leg. Gabriel enters.
JOXER
You get 'em?
GABRIEL
No.
JOXER
No! I went through all that for nothing?
GABRIEL
Not for nothing. I know where they are. ( thinks for a moment ) Ino may want to do it himself.
As they walk away from us into darkness Joxer's bucket squeaks.
GABRIEL
You set yourself on fire didn't you.
JOXER
Now why-
CUT
SCENE 26
INT. INN / TAVERN. NIGHT.
Gabriel is paying the actors for their help.
GABRIEL
Thanks for the help, Robin.
ROBIN
It was the least we could do. There are no small parts only small actors. Besides we have to hang around for the trial of those bandits.
The players leave and Gabriel sits thinking. It's not the problem that's bothering her though it's how she should go about solving it.
JOXER
So now all we have to do is tell Ino where the letters are, he can get them, we get our reward and the politics of Euboea and Iolcus are saved. All in a days work. Hey, why are we waiting until tomorrow? We could just go tell him now and you could get back on the road to Marathon.
GABRIEL
Hum?
JOXER
You know, Marathon? Meeting Xena.
GABRIEL
yeah… right…
JOXER
Are you feeling all right? I mean yesterday you're all mad at me and now you're a million miles away.
GABRIEL
hugh?.. oh, just tired.
JOXER
So you don't want to tell Ino tonight?
GABRIEL
no……. No. I need to think about it some more.
JOXER
Think? I thought you said you were tired.
GABRIEL
Right. Time to go to bed.
SCENE 27
INT. HARMONIA'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
Harmonia sits, reconstructing the events of the last few hours. She looks at the window and we get audio from the fire segment of the show. Her POV as her gaze moves to the hiding place. Full audio/video flashback of the fight, Gabriel goes down with red stuff on her head. Fade through white to Inois touching Gabriel's head fade through white again to Inois licking his finger and saying "Beet juice." Flash cuts of the brassier hitting the ground, smoke filling the room, Harmonia going to the letters and finally Gabriel watching her. Harmonia grabs a shawl and exits in a hurry.
SCENE 28
INT. GABRIEL'S ROOM. NIGHT.
She's not sleeping. She's lying there with her eyes open doing the same thing Harmonia was doing. THE CAMERA ROLLS SO THAT HER FEET MARK THE CENTER OF THE SCREEN BOTTOM AND HER HEAD ARCS ACROSS THE TOP. She acts as the seam of a layered soft wipe through which we get the following clips. Ino saying "She has letters that I sent her and I must get them back." Then "Gabriel: Why not just ask? Ino: I have sent messengers to do just that. She has refused." Then the "Washer Woman: Doesn't help matters any that she's been burgled twice in as many months." Then "Ino: Politics can be very messy." Inois touching Gabriel's forehead. Then "Washer Woman: So you don't care that she's got no husband even though she's got a son? Never even saw a ring on her finger." And Ino "They might not forgive a man the flights of a young boys heart."
Gabriel sits on the edge of the bed. Makes her decision and leaves.
SCENE 29
EXT. BACK OF THE INN. NIGHT.
Gabriel hurries through the back streets and allies. THE CAMERA DOLLIES RIGHT TO LEFT ONE STREET AWAY FROM HER SO WE GET INTERVENING BUILDINGS. The camera gets ahead of her and stops in the next alley. She rounds the far right corner and walks toward us. When she is close a shadow rounds the near left corner of the alley. Both are startled. Gabriel and Harmonia stand starring at each other, both open their mouths to speak- CUT.
SCENE 30
INT. INN /TAVERN. DAY.
Joxer sits by himself, Gabriel enters from the street.
JOXER
You were up early.
GABRIEL
Yep. Decided to go for a walk before we met with Ino. Look, when he gets here let me do the talking. Plans changed last night and it might be tricky.
JOXER
Oh sure, better not let Joxer the moron screw things up. ( short sulk )There's some breakfast left for you. It might be a little cold.
Gabriel looks down at a plate of what appear to be eggs sunny side up but the colour is all wrong and a bowl of … well, gruel.
GABRIEL
ugh… I think I'd rather eat from Argo's feed bag.
JOXER
That's what I thought, that's why it's left.
GABRIEL
Oh nice. You-
INO
( entering ) Gabriel of Potadea, how goes the mission.
JOXER
Well I don't think she quite got-
Gabriel scoops an egg and stuffs it into Joxer's mouth.
GABRIEL
Finish your breakfast. Well, I managed to get into her house and with Joxer's capable help she showed me where the letters are.
INO
She showed you?
GABRIEL
Well… she didn't exactly know she was doing it. And I didn't look like me.
GABRIEL
Yeah, she looked like a priestess of Atheana. It was really cool.
INO
I see my trust was well founded. You are very resourceful.
GABRIEL
I read a lot. There's something else you should know. Yesterday, Harmonia was married.
INO
Married? married… To who?
JOXER
Some merchant named-
Joxer receives another egg in the face.
GABRIEL
Oh look, you missed one. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day you know. We couldn't find out his name. We were too busy concentrating on the letters.
INO
Of course. What do you suggest we do now, how do we get the letters?
GABRIEL
Let's go see her. I think the surprise of seeing you may make it possible to get them easily.
SCENE 31
INT. HARMONIA'S HOUSE. DAY.
The door is open and the house is bare, not a stick of furniture left. The three enter.
JOXER
Wow, talk about spring cleaning.
INO
What's going on?
GABRIEL
I don't know. She was here yesterday. Maybe the marriage… maybe they decided-
INO
Where are the letters! ( this is much more intense than it needs to be. we are finally seeing Ino the statesman. )
GABRIEL
They were over here.
Gabriel goes to the hiding place and retrieves the letters. They are wrapped in a new letter. She opens it. Ino grabs the stack leaving GABRIEL the new one. As Ino riffles the pile to make sure they're all there Gabriel reads
GABRIEL
( reading )Ino, I hope these haven't caused you too much worry. I only wanted to keep them as remembrance of our time together. But I started a new life today with a wonderful man. I don't need any more reminders of our shared passed than the one I already have. Your secret is safe, I hope that is enough and your agents will not seek me out. Goodbye, Harmonia.
INO
They're all here. Thank you. ( turns to leave )
GABRIEL
Aren't you forgetting something?
INO
Your money, of course. Here. ( hands her a purse and leaves )
SCENE 32
EXT. HARMONIA'S HOUSE. DAY.
Gabriel and Joxer leave and head to the road.
JOXER
Would you mind explaining what just happened?
GABRIEL
What do you mean?
JOXER
I'm not that stupid, Gabriel. Why'd you lie to him and what happened to Harmonia?
GABRIEL
Remember I told you about the washer women?
JOXER
Yeah.
GABRIEL
Well last night I got to thinking. I hadn't considered where Harmonia's son came from. The washer women said she'd never had a husband.
JOXER
Ino.
GABRIEL
Once I saw Inois I realized that he was the right age and he looks just like Ino.
JOXER
But that means he's the heir to-
GABRIEL
Yep.
JOXER
Then why'd Prince Ino want the letters? So that she couldn't prove that Inois was the illegitimate heir of Euboea?
GABRIEL
I don't think he knew. He just wanted the letters. He said he'd sent messengers to retrieve them and the washer women said that Harmonia had been burgled twice in the last two months. If he feared the inconvenience of a few letters enough to burgle her house imagine what he would have done if he knew he had an illegitimate son.
JOXER
You don't think he would have… (Joxer can't even express the thought of killing a child.)
GABRIEL
Not personally.
JOXER
That's horrible.
GABRIEL
Yes it is.
JOXER
So that's why they left. You told them.
GABRIEL
Actually Harmonia had figured out half of it herself. We talked and decided that this would be best. If Ino had the letters he would probably leave Harmonia alone, if he already knew about the boy he'd realize that without the letters she'd have no proof of who the father was. Phineus will take them far away.
JOXER
I'm glad I'm not a statesman. I can't believe you even took money from him.
GABRIEL
Oh it's not for us. ( she points down the road to Phineus's wagon )
JOXER
Ooohhh. What kind of school did you go to learn how to think like that?
GABRIEL
Elementary, Joxer. Elementary.
Gabriel gives the purse to Harmonia and the five of them continue down the road. When they are far in the distance
GABRIEL
I wonder what Xena is doing?
THE END