DISCLAIMERS: We all know that Xena and Gabrielle et al are the property of Universal Studios and Renaissance Pictures. I only invite them out to play and then send them home to do their real work: filming Xena: Warrior Princess. No copyright infringement is intended. This is an alternative fiction story, so if you would be offended by love between two women, don’t read further.
Amphipolis
was transformed. Their warrior was
heading home and they had spared no expense in preparing for her visit. Rides, games, floats, food stalls and sideshows
filled every square inch of real estate. One entire block was devoted to contests of skill that could be
entered for the price of a ticket. Do well at any of these “Warrior World”
booths and you would win a stick doll of Gabrielle or Xena – your choice. You might even trade your way up to a pair
of gauntlets or even a BGSB.
Other
booths sold Warrior Dogs piping hot and BardWurst on a roll. Little warrior scouts sold cookies decorated
like chakrams. People milled about
dressed up like Persian invaders, centaurs or Olympian gods. There was even a beauty contest scheduled with
entrants required to wear long blond wigs. It was heady times in Amphipolis; their claim to fame – the warrior
princess herself - was returning after years of atoning for those evil warlord
days. The folks (mostly middle aged)
who had actually met Xena or even watched her grow up were busy giving interviews
to the local scroll reporters each of whom dreamed of the opportunity to ask
that one penetrating question at the interview planned for later that day.
“Was she or wasn’t she?” “What exactly did Ares find so irritating
about the blonde sidekick?” “Was that actually a hickey that Joxer saw?”
“If they are in the closet, what in Hades is a closet?”
Yes,
there was the sound of gaiety in the air and the jingle of money. It was a
convention, a parade, a flea market, a revival meeting and a rave all rolled
into one. And the happiest man in
town was Salmoneus (AKA Creation)
who had masterminded the event and owned all rights to the publications and
anticipated souvenir auctions. He
beamed from ear to ear as he strolled about listening to the sound of purchases. The pleasant pitter-patter of little coins. Life was good.
All
that was needed was for the guest of honor to make her entrance. The town bubbled with anticipation. And then it happened. Two figures emerged from the woods and stopped
in their tracks. Xena: conqueror of
nations, terror of Rome, warrior princess and god-killer stood motionless
-- her mouth agape, her blue eyes wide in shock, her hand clenching the arm
of her comely blonde partner (similarly posed). A cheer rose up like the roar of an earthquake
and people began charging the stunned (and one might add stunning) couple.
Salmoneus
got there just ahead of the star struck mob.
“Ladies, ladies. On behalf
of Amphipolis and all surrounding villages, let me officially welcome you
home.”
“Gabrielle,
tell me this isn’t going to be another musical.” The warrior reached back to draw her sword. The bard however was barely able to speak much
less be reassuring.
“Oh
posh!” Their self-appointed host
dismissed their fears. “No musicals,
no out of body channeling, no rifts or tiffs.
Nothing even very thematic, I swear on my good name.”
The
two beauties exchanged glances and hoped for the best. Xena crossed her arms across her chest, as
she was want to do when attempting to dominate a conversation.
“Well,
what then? What’s all this ….this…this
fanfare about?”
“Why
it’s just our way of welcoming our own warrior princess and her battling bard.”
Salmoneus delivered as dramatically as imaginable.
The
crowd cheered again. Xena smiled self-consciously
and reached out to touch Gabrielle -- only the bard had wandered off.
Xena found her munching on a BardWurst sandwich and eyeing a packet
of chakram cookies.
“Hummm,
delicious.”
“Now
how did I know you’d say that.” Xena
smiled until the chubby event chairman popped up once again.
“I
got you a mug of port, my dear.” He
patronized the woman warrior. “You
do like your port if memory serves me.”
“It’s
barely ten in the morning!” Xena said taking the mug with a mind to pour it
out.
“Your
interview starts in three minutes.” Salmoneus
announced excitedly. “Let’s get moving
toward the stage.”
Xena
downed the port in a single gulp. Then belched. Salmoneus chuckled nervously.
“Interview?” Gabrielle queried. “What do you mean…interview?”
Animated
and anxious all at once the chairman of the event responded. “Everyone wants
to hear from you. There are questions.
Issues.” He winked.
“You two have been at the top of the Amphipolis rumor mill for years.
Why you’ve even made the best sellers list.
And now those inquiring minds who want to know are going to find out.
Am I right, or am I right.”
Xena
muttered. “Give me strength.” Gabrielle looked worried. “Who has been rumor mongering about us? And why on earth would any one care what we…wait
a moment, what’s a best sellers list, Salmoneus? Does this have anything to do with the scrolls
I have been sending back to Cyrene for safe keeping?”
“Best
sellers each and every one.” He handed
Gabrielle a large sack heavy with coins.
“This is you share of the proceeds.
I took the liberty of handling your material while you were away. Hope you don’t mind.”
Xena’s
blue eyes narrowed. “Are you saying
that you published Gabrielle’s..”
“SCROLLS!!!” The bard shrieked.
“Gabrielle,
I thought you told me you donated the scrolls to the Academy in Athens.”
Gabrielle
fidgeted nervously. “Not all of them,
Xe. You wouldn’t want me to donate
ALL of them now, would you? And we
can’t carry them all around with us. What
was I to do?”
The
problem was not lost on her partner. “Um,
well, no not all as you say. I guess asking Mom to store them for us was a
good idea. Weren’t you worried that
she might you know take a look at them.”
Gabrielle
seemed momentarily confused and then snorted when she grasped Xena’s full
thought. “Oh not THOSE scrolls, Xena.
Those are safely….” She caught Salmoneus listening intently.
“I’ll tell you about it latter, Xena.”
Baldy
frowned disappointed but returned quickly to the point at hand. “Now we really must hurry. It’s time for the
interview. The whole town is waiting.
In fact, I understand we have guest reporters all the way from Poteidia
and farther. My goodness gracious.”
Xena
and Gabrielle put their heads together so that Xena could hear the answer
to her question. Upon hearing it,
her head shot straight up and she scowled.
“There! You put them there!”
Gabrielle
nodded. “Nobody is going to publish
those scrolls!”
Salmoneus
was shooing them on toward the center of town like a frantic hen all fluff
and feathers. He talked constantly
as if infatuated with the sound of his own voice and was way past rubbing
the warrior the wrong way.
“Salmoneus,
I ought to…”
“Of
course, you should. But you won’t
and by the way it’s important to remember that the proceeds of this event
are going to a very worthy charity.”
“Which
one?” asked Gabrielle.
“I’ll
let you know later.” By then trio
was at the head of a boisterous parade that wound itself through the festivities
to a platform that had been erected especially for the occasion with seats
for the two guests and a row of interviewers arranged behind a single moderator’s
chair. All of this within plain view
of the sizable audience, Xena and Gabrielle took their places waving self
consciously at the exuberant crowd.
Salmoneus
put up his hands to hush the assembly so that he could speak. Then surprising every one, including him,
he more than rose to the occasion and introduced the two famous guests in
terms every bit as glowing and laudatory as they deserved. A thunderous ovation ensued and then taking up his position as moderator,
he gave the floor to the first of the interviewers and the questioning began.
“So
Xena…may I call you Xena? That warrior
princess part is rather laborious don’t you think.”
“Xena
is my name. Go ahead use it, Ares. You’ve never had any trouble with it before.”
Xena crossed her long legs and a gasp could be heard from the crowd
the source of which was either the recognition of the god of war or the exposure
of the warrior princess’ long, delectable thighs.
“Xena.
Are you aware that Gabrielle documented your exploits?”
“Yes,
of course I am. She often worked long
into the evening on her scrolls. She
can be very dedicated. She has tremendous
focus.”
“Not
to mention irritating. And were her accounts accurate?”
“Undoubtedly.” Xena smiled fondly at her blushing companion.
“Then
you have read her scrolls and found them to be accurate and complete?”
“Uh,
no. Not really, I didn’t have time
to read...”
Ares
bristled. “What then, did blondy read
them to you? Around the campfire say,
on those cold winter nights.” He bit
his knuckle drawing blood.
“Well, yes she did read some of them to me.”
“Nevermind. Some things I just don’t want to know.”
The
crowd moaned collectively. Cyrene
turned to Gabrielle’s mother. “The
god of war has always had a thing for my daughter.
I don’t know why she won’t give him a shot. He’s very handsome, don’t you think? Why Ares can park his sword on my nightstand whenever he wants.”
She confessed fanning herself with the day’s program of events.
“Some
say he already did.” Hecuba snipped.
Meanwhile,
his time expired Ares had yielded the interviewing to his sister the very
lovely Aphrodite.
“Your
heroic exploits aside, Xena, don’t you think that Gabrielle recorded them
fabulously?” Dite stood as she spoke
and placed her hands on her hips. “You have one adorable little partner there,
warrior babe. Adorable, and talented too.” In the audience, Cyrene straightened
her shoulders. “Seems that the goddess
of love has a thing for your daughter.” She
retorted still smarting from Hecuba’s nasty crack.
“ How nice!
Maybe they could double date with you and Ares.” Hecuba scored again. They were on the verge of hair pulling. Gabrielle looked at the two mothers, then at
Xena who was seething and over at Aphrodite who was primping suggestively. Things were going from bad to worse very quickly.
“Too
bad you didn’t use your talent to record your sexual exploits, bardy-poo. Now that would be a scroll worth reading.”
The goddess of love laughed. “Wait, come to think of it, you did, didn’t
you. Why Gabrielle that is a lovely
shade of red you are turning. I knew
those fires of yours burn bright.”
“Hey,
wait just a minute.” Xena jumped from
the chair menacingly. “Leave Bri’s
fires out of this.”
“Well,
there is quite a bit of innuendo in her stories, you must admit.” Dite turned to Ares for conformation that he
begrudgingly supplied. “I know that
I’m convinced.” He sighed. “What do
you think I find so irritating about Gabrielle anyway.”
Gabrielle
stepped in to defuse the situation. “You
are referring to the subtext, aren’t you.” Xena sat back down and let her partner continue.
“There is quite a bit of subtext in some of the scrolls I admit it.”
The
ohhs and ahhs from the audience seemed to punctuate her statement. It was becoming clear what they wanted to hear.
The goddess of love had taken them to the brink but her allotted time
had expired and it fell to another to complete the interview.
“Oh, too bad. Your time’s up.” Salmoneus appeared and supervised the changing
of the interviewers. “Next.”
A
matronly woman shaped like brick oven and twice as dowdy took over the inquisition.
She had a scowl on her face that would stop a Minotaur.
Xena scowled back and Gabrielle studied the woman as if searching for
something familiar. In the audience
Cyrene and Hecuba had turned their backs to each other, each fuming and huffing
as they preserved the reputations of their offspring.
“You
don’t remember me, do you?” The third
interviewer began.
“I’m
supposed to know you?” Xena asked
incredulous. “I don’t think so.”
“I
was the young woman you saved from poisoning myself when you ended the curse
that had cause that day to repeat and repeat.”
Gabrielle
leaned to whisper in Xena’s ear. “Been there, done that.” Xena nodded in understanding.
“Do
you remember now?”
“You
were that skinny young girl with the romantic lover who just couldn’t let
you die?”
The
interviewer nodded albeit somewhat sadly.
“That’s me. And I have just
one question. Why did you have to
butt in anyway?”
Gabrielle
blanched. “What happened? Where is your handsome Romeo now? You two were
obviously the poster kids for happy ever after. Surely he didn’t leave you.”
“Leave
me? Hardly. The stupid s.o.b. is still around. In fact he will be here as soon as he finishes getting dressed.
Of course that might take four or five hours.
Time means nothing to the man. Not
since that day repeated endlessly and he got it in his head that he can do
a thing over and over and over until he gets it right. You have any idea what that does to making
supper? Or planning? Or sex? I’m
so tired of his “do overs” I could kill someone. I’d kill him if I could be sure he wouldn’t
show up the next day and tell me how to do it better.”
Gabrielle
extended her hand in sympathy, but Xena couldn’t keep from chuckling.
“Please
accept our apology.” The bard told
her while Xena whispered just loud enough for Bri to hear. “This day better not repeat.”
The
woman looked annoyed. “I accept your
apology, Gabrielle. You were an innocent
bystander anyway.”
“Okay. Okay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Xena managed.
“Oh
that’s right. Repeat yourself. Like I need to hear things twice.”
Salmoneus
aware that the crowd grew restless with the questioning having taken a turn
to the uninteresting moved in to the rescue and once again the interviewers
were switched. The new one, a man
of thirty something with heavy make-up and an eye patch straightened in his
chair.
“You
know what the audience wants to hear, ladies.
The truth. Just the truth.
You two are lovers, aren’t you.” He
pronounced in tones worthy of a traveling evangelist.
“Is
that a question?” Xena asked, her
keen hearing picking up her mother’s dramatic gasp for breath.
“Or
an observation?” Gabrielle queried.
In the corner of her vision she thought she saw her mother faint.
“I
deem it a fact, sister. Based on numerous
longing glances, several out right kisses at least one of which was clearly
on the mouth, and various touches and vows…it is obvious to me that you two
are lovers.”
“That
how you get your kicks, sonny? Reading
about other peoples glances, kisses and touches?” The warrior princess analyzed her interviewer. “What a pity. You need to get a few life experiences of your own.”
“That’s
not what you said when you occupied my body for a few days while yours was
being reanimated.” With a dashing
gesture, Autolycus removed his eye patch and revealed himself to his dear
friends. “You have to admit that gives
me a unique perspective on the question at hand, don’t you?”
Gabrielle
and Xena nodded. Indeed it did.
“So
you are here to reveal to the world, or at least the known world, who really
kissed Gabrielle during 'The Quest'.”
“Not
to mention whose hand was on my butt.”
“Yeah,
let’s not mention that, makes my jaw hurt just to think about it.” The King of Thieves admitted.
“Fair
to say then,” Xena stood up. “It was
my kiss and your hand.”
Gabrielle
smiled. “Must admit, I had my own
doubts about the hand.”
Cyrene
and Hecuba sighed. They had only a
few choices. Rail against the obvious,
though neither of them could think of why, or rejoice in the feelings their
children shared for each other. Being
mothers the choice was simple. They
embraced and forgave each other their previous snippiness (but filed away
details for use in later spats.)
Meanwhile
on stage, the warrior and her bard took control. Rising to their feet they faced the audience. It could have turned ugly; it could have gotten
mean. But it didn’t.
Putting
her arms up, Gabrielle asked for silence and when the buzz simmered down,
she spoke in a soft, yet confident voice.
“I
think what you want to know is are we in love.
The answer is yes.” Xena nodded
and took the bard’s outstretched hand. “We
are lovers in every sense of the word and any one who has read our scrolls
or seen us together can have no real doubt of that.”
Everything
was silent. Even Aphrodite although
she did wear an enormous smile while her brother sulked down in his chair.
It
was Xena’s turn to speak. “We fell
in love lifetimes ago. We are soul
mates, which means that Gabrielle is my partner, my courage, and my inspiration. You have heard me tell her so on many occasions.
Such as: ‘The only reason I do any good at all, is because I do it
with you.’ ‘Even in death I will never leave you.’ ‘Gabrielle, I will always be here.’ The simple truth is that I love Gabrielle with all my heart and
soul and will spend eternity with her.”
The
bard reached up and kissed the warrior’s check. “And I love Xena in exactly the same way. I knew when I first saw her that we were meant
to go through life together. That is the real path we are on. I love you Xena.”
It
was enough. The crowd was answered,
fulfilled and content at last. They
could re-read the scrolls many times now and see new things. What had seemed hints will seem facts to them
in the coming years. The love story
of their time would be Xena and Gabrielle.
In
the audience a woman completed her note taking, gathered her belongings and
headed home. She had been convinced
before the interviews but now having heard the pronouncements, she was a true
believer who had a mission unknown even to herself.
A hundred generations hence, her descendant (named Rob Tapert) would
co-develop and produce the video media sensation that would be called Xena: Warrior Princess. From her genes would spring the subtext that
launches a thousand websites and inspires a few hundred bards who likewise
sense the essence of this timeless love.
Perhaps in one ancestor or another we were each there DNA-ically speaking,
because for us the interview is unnecessary and the questions have long been
answered.
Xena
and Gabrielle love each other in every way and all is right with the world.
No matter what time line one lives in. Regardless of who does the interviewing.