Violence & Language: Mild cursing. No violence.

In the spirit of the golden age of radio, I'd like to present Xena, Peace Warrior Princess (PWP) and her bardly sidekick Gabrielle, Amazon Queen in. . .

Cast of Characters:

Voice Over Announcer - (VOA)

Xena, Peace Warrior Princess

Gabrielle, bard, Amazon Queen

Diana Prince/Wonder Woman

Andrea Thomas/The Mighty Isis

Cindy Lee

Rennie Carol

Eponin

Solari

Aphrodite

"The dogma of woman's complete historical subjection to men must be rated as one of the most fantastic myths ever created by the human mind."

- Mary Ritter Beard (1876 - 1958) Historian and feminist

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Act I: Scene I

VOA: Xena and Gabrielle are honored citizens of the city of Metropolis. In partnership with friends from the Sapphic Justice League they've served as crime fighters dedicated to ridding the city of evil doers. Our story opens with Xena and Gabrielle getting ready to celebrate the recent capture of a ring of thieves destined to rival Autolycus, the late King of Thieves, in both charm and derring-do. Xena is dressed and waiting in their bedroom. Gabrielle is getting dressed in the bathroom.

Gabrielle: "Hey, Xena."

Xena: "Yes dear."

Gabrielle: "What would you call someone who put poison in someone else's corn flakes?"

Xena: (sighs gustily) "I don't know Gabrielle. Why don't you just tell me?"

Gabrielle: "Come on Xena. Work with me here. You didn't read my Halloween column so I have to tell it to you. Just like old times."

Xena: "I'm sorry baby." (Scrunches forehead in thought) "Um. . .Ares."

Gabrielle: (exasperated) "Ares! No Xena. You'd call them a cereal killer." (Snickers loudly) "Get it?"

Xena: "Yeah, I get it. That's why I said Ares."

Gabrielle: "Ohh. You're getting clever in your old age. I might have to use that in next year's column. How about this one. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?"

Xena: "We don't have time for this."

Gabrielle: "Please baby."

Xena: (sighs indulgently) "I don't know. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?"

Gabrielle: "Because demons are a ghoul's best friend."

Gabrielle: "Don't you get it? Demon/diamond. . .ghoul/girl. I think it's pretty funny."

Xena: "You would. That was awful. Your muse hasn't made it to the twenty-first century yet has it?"

Gabrielle: (pouting) "Be nice."

Xena: "Sorry sweetness. Aren't you ready yet? We have reservations for 7:00 PM."

Gabrielle: "Cool your jets sweet thing. Don't you want me to look nice? It's not every day I get to have dinner with four members the Sapphic Justice League."

Xena: "You mean two."

Gabrielle: (scrunching forehead in thought, nose crinkles cutely) "Aren't Electra Woman and Dyna Girl gonna come?"

Xena: (under her breath) "One way or another."

Gabrielle: "What? I couldn't hear you."

Xena: "I said no. Dyna Girl's gonna be tied up this evening." (she waggles her eyebrows and cackles evilly) "They won't be able to make it so I made the reservation for six. You and me, Andrea Thomas, Cindy Lee, Rennie Carol, and Diana Prince. This will be Diana's first outing with us. Hopefully I'll get a toaster or at least some green stamps after tonight's party."

Gabrielle: "Not if I have any say in the matter."

Xena: "Don't be jealous. It's just high time for Wonder Woman to see the light. She must be the only Amazon from Paradise Island who hasn't taken a dip in the pool of Sapphic delights. We could really use her help in the league and I've been appointed to oversee her conversion. I'm really just supervising."

Gabrielle: "Oh. . .I knew that. So what are we doing after dinner? Can we go dancing?"

Xena: "Nope. No dancing. You know that Cindy Lee's got no rhythm. Rennie says she looks like she's having a seizure out there on the floor. It's embarrassing."

Gabrielle: (disappointed) "If we're not going dancing, what are we gonna do?"

Xena: "We're going to a Karaoke bar. I can't wait to sing for you." (Spinning around bedroom doing a bump and grind) (Warbles soulfully) "Amazon Queen now we're sharing the same dream, and our hearts they beat as one, no more love on the run. . ."

Gabrielle: "You wouldn't-" (mouth falls open at the sight of a particularly vigorous pelvic thrust. Has to wipe drool from face)

Gabrielle: "Darn. I've smeared my lipstick." (She returns to bathroom)

Xena: (breathing hard with hands on knees) "Woah! I'm out of shape. Gotta get out more. This crime fighter gig isn't strenuous enough."

Gabrielle: (from bathroom) "Maybe you're just getting old. We have been at this for a few thousand years now."

Xena: (standing with hands on hips in classic supershero pose) "Perish the thought!" (Sonorously) "When Polly's in trouble, we are not slow. It's hip, hip, hip and away we go. No wait, that's Underdog."

Xena: (puzzled) "Hey Gabs. Why didn't we ever make up a slogan?"

Gabrielle: (walks into bedroom and slaps Xena in her belly causing Xena to grunt loudly) "I have one."

Xena: (lifts eyebrow) "Oh?"

Gabrielle: "Yep." (Dances to a hip-hop beat) "Xena made you do it. Xena is my girlfriend. She will kick your ass if you're mean to me."

Xena: "Yeah bay-bay, but you've got to teach me those moves." (She grabs Gabrielle around the waist and dances her out of the room)

VOA: The two women giggle and gather their belongings. They leave the house together en route to picking up the neophyte Diana Prince.

Act I: Scene II

VOA: Xena is driving. Gabrielle and Diana Prince are riding in her 1975 Dodge Conversion Van. They're on their way to meet more friends for dinner.

Diana: "Xena. When are you going to get rid of this rattle-trap and move into the 00's. These vans went out with polyester leisure suits and big hair."

Xena: (indignantly) "Hey! Big hair's back. Not all of us have invisible jets. The Gabster and I need transportation too."

Diana: "What happened to Argo?"

Xena: "We had to retire him because we got too many tickets for failing to pick up his waste."

Diana: (Shakes head sadly) "Ticketing supersheroes. What's the world coming to?"

Gabrielle: (brightly) "The good thing is that it gives us a place to change into our outfits. Argo never worked for that." (She makes a prissy face) "Plus, neither of us wears glasses and my hair's too short to achieve the hair whipping Clairol¨ effect that's part of your transformation spin thingie."

Xena: "Mine's not."

Diana: (huffily) "You're both just jealous. I have fabulous hair and I look great in spiked heels."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, but not as good as Scully." (She smirks and smacks her lips together. Xena scowls.) (Repentantly) "Anyway, I happen to think that Xena looks like a stud in her leathers. I wouldn't trade that eye-candy for anything."

Xena: "Oh honey." (Reaches over and caresses Gabrielle's cheek with her fingers) "You're not too shabby yourself. Especially when you have on your BGSB. You look good enough to eat."

Gabrielle: (blushing furiously) "Be still my beating hearts, I mean heart. If you don't stop, we're going to have to put the mattress in back to good use."

Diana: "Not in front of me you won't. I'm not a voyeur. You're confusing my headband with Andrea's."

Xena: (lecherously) "I like to watch."

Act I: Scene III

VOA: Xena, Gabrielle, and Diana are seated and waiting in restaurant. Sound of conversation and clinking dinnerware in background.

Diana: (Whines) "Tell me again why I'm here. I'm the only one without a date."

Xena: "Don't worry. Diana's bringing two. You can have one of hers."

Gabrielle: (interjects) "Where's the romance in that?"

Diana: (thoughtfully) "What a great idea! Since the military enacted the 'Don't kiss and tell' policy I've been meaning to ditch that nerd Steve Trevor." (To Gabrielle) "He's as hapless as you are."

Gabrielle: "Hey, I resemble that remark."

Diana: (sticks tongue out) "If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'"

Gabrielle: (sassily) "No thanks, I use toilet paper."

Xena: (growls) "Ladies. . ."

Gabrielle & Diana: (contritely) "Sorry Xena."

VOA: The women quiet down and peruse their menus. Gabrielle finishes the last of the breadsticks and looks around for more.

Gabrielle: (waving hand wildly) "Oh waitron. . ."

VOA: A waitron scurries over to serve Gabrielle

Eponin: "What can I get for you, my Queen?"

Gabrielle: "Hey, nice tuxedo." (Runs fingers down lapels. Xena scowls again) "I didn't know you worked here."

Eponin: (sidling away from Xena) "Yeah, there's not much call for Amazon warriors these days. Solari's in the kitchen."

Diana: "You could always join the Army."

Eponin: (sneering) "Yeah so I'd be banned from the battlefield because the fellows would want to protect me. I think not!" (Flounces away with bread basket in hand) "I'll be right back, my Queen."

Gabrielle: "I'll be looking forward to it." (Sees more breadsticks on adjacent table. Steals basket)

Xena: (growls) "Gabrielle. . .don't make me punish you."

Gabrielle: (eyes Xena speculatively then drops eyes to table) "I'm sorry. . .Mi - Xena."

VOA: Just then a flurry of activity erupts as Andrea Thomas joins the party with her dates Cindy Lee and Rennie Carol. Xena rises and greets each woman effusively. Gabrielle bristles.

Gabrielle: (jealously) By the Gods Xena! Did Cupid shoot you in your ass? There's no reason to kiss everybody twice. I'm sure they get the idea.

Xena: (Pats Rennie Carol on butt while speaking) "Chill out sweet cheeks. I'm Greek. What do you want from me?"

Solari: "Greetings my Queen. We've brought you a treat courtesy of the house. Eat up."

Xena: "Give me that! You know what happened the last time you ate nut bread."

Gabrielle: "But Xena. . ."

Xena: (sternly) "No buts."

Diana: "I don't think I've heard this story. What happened?"

VOA: Xena relates story of Gabrielle's nut bread escapade to the other members of their party. The women laugh uproariously and tease the not so young bard mercilessly until she lightens up and joins in the fun. Dinner passes in a haze of food, fun, and frivolity.

Xena: "That was good but I couldn't eat another bite."

Gabrielle: (whispers to Xena) "I sincerely hope not."

Xena: (flushing) "Now Gabs. . ."

Gabrielle: (whispers to Xena) "That's what you get for sharing the nut bread story."

Gabrielle: "Okay folks. Anything you're not planning on eating, pass it over here." (She pats her belly then tucks in when her plate fills up again)

Gabrielle: (Wiping her mouth daintily with a napkin) "Now that was excellent! What's for desert?"

Eponin: "For you my Queen." (With a bow and a flourish gives the menu to Gabrielle)

Cindy: (in an aside to Rennie) "If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would never have believed it. How does that tiny little thing eat that much food? I think I'd burst after a meal like that and now she wants desert."

Rennie: (to Cindy but looking at Xena) "Oh, I don't know, but I bet Xena works it off of her every chance she gets. Gabrielle looks well exercised to me." (nudges Cindy but the girl is completely clueless. Rennie shakes her head in disbelief)

Eponin: "Here you go my Queen. . ." (Offers dish with a flourish) "I give you Death by. . .Raspberries!

Diana: "Raspberries?"

Gabrielle: "Yes, raspberries." (Grinning) "Surely you didn't think she was going to say chocolate. That would have been entirely too easy."

Gabrielle: Chickens!

Eponin: "Um. Is there something wrong?"

Gabrielle: (speaking with mouth full) "Absolutely not! I especially like the presentation." (She picks up the plate and shows it around) "See. They poured the syrup so that it would look like lace." (to Eponin) "Give my compliments to the pastry chef."

Xena: "Gabrielle, that's enough. Finish up so that we can move on to the rest of our evening."

Gabrielle: (contritely) "Sorry Xena."

Xena: (to Gabrielle, Cindy, and Rennie) "Why don't you ladies go freshen up while we handle the check?"

Xena: "Get going Gabrielle."

Gabrielle: "But Xena I wanna stay here with the big girls. Don't send me off to the bathroom now."

Xena: "I said get going. If you hadn't been such a brat all night, I might have let you stay."

Gabrielle: (scuffing toe in carpet) "Alright Xena. I'm going."

Xena: (to Diana and Andrea) "Ain't she cute?"

Diana & Andrea: "Yes Xena."

Andrea: "So Xena. What are you planning for the rest of the evening? Do you know of any parties we might want to attend?"

Xena: (thoughtfully) "Now that you mention it, there's a costume party over at the Amazonia. I thought we could go as. . ." (Insert trumpeting da da da daaa! sound effect) ". . .members of the Sapphic Justice League." (She waggles her eyebrows) "No one will recognize us and I'm in the mood to cut loose."

Diana: (under her breath) "I detect a set up."

Andrea: "Cut loose?"

Xena: "Yeah, cut loose."

Diana: "You know what that means don't you?"

Xena, Diana, & Andrea: "Karaoke!"

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Act II: Scene I

VOA: Xena and crew are standing outside of the Amazonia watching the crowd go by. Every costume they see is a variation on one of the Sapphic Justice League's uniforms. Xena is extremely pleased. Diana is appalled.

Diana: "Xena, how can you stand here ogling all of these women dressed in cheap imitations of your Sapphic Justice League uniforms? It's insulting. Look at that woman over there; she's using tawdry lingerie to imitate Gabrielle's BGSB."

Xena: "I'm looking. I'm looking."

Diana: (Throws hands over her head in disgust) "I'm telling you it's tacky!"

Xena: "It may be tacky, but it's perfect for my purposes."

Diana: "What do you mean?"

Xena: "Think about it. With all of these women dressed as us, we can be us and no one will know the difference. Trust me. It'll be great!"

Andrea: (reluctantly) "I don't know. Neither Cindy or Rennie knows that I'm really the Mighty Isis. How am I supposed to explain that to them?"

Xena: "It's simple; we'll ditch 'em."

Andrea: (whines) "Xena!"

Diana: (as an aside) "Who said a PWP never had a plot?"

VOA: The three Sapphic supersheroes stand perplexed and pole-axed puzzling what to do with the darling duo. Gabrielle approaches with Cindy Lee and Rennie.

Gabrielle: "What are you guys doing?"

Xena: (whispers) "We're trying to figure out how to get inside as our alter-egos without tipping Cindy Lee and Rennie off to the fact that Andrea Thomas is really. . ." (Insert trumpeting da da da daaa! sound effect here. All members of party look up with puzzled expressions) ". . .The Mighty Isis."

Cindy: "What is that noise?"

Rennie: (rolls eyes) "I don't know."

Gabrielle: "Xena. Don't be silly. You know no one can recognize us when we're in costume."

Xena: "D'oh! How about this. You distract Cindy Lee and Rennie, and we'll go change. After we're finished, we'll pretend to pick them up and you go change."

Gabrielle: "But Xena, what will we tell them when they ask for Andrea?"

Xena: (exasperated) "Gabrielle. Didn't you just tell me that they won't recognize us?"

Xena: "Alright then. Why would they ask us?"

Gabrielle: "Oh. I get it."

Xena: "Right! Now get on it. See you inside."

Xena: "I've always hated audience participation."

Gabrielle: (thoughtfully) "So that's why you won't take me to see "Rocky Horror." I always thought you were afraid that I'd like Frank N Furter's costume better than yours."

Xena: (slaps Gab's ass) "Sacrilege! You're cheeky tonight aren't you?"

Gabrielle: (twisting around to look) "No more than usual."

Xena: "Get outta here."

Xena: (breathing hard with hands on knees) "I have got to get more exercise."

Diana: (tongue in cheek) "Maybe you're getting old."

Xena: (grabs crotch) "I've got your old right here. You're gonna be pushing up flowers if you don't cut that old shit out."

Andrea: (confused) "Don't you mean daisies?"

Xena: (smugly) "Daisies are flowers."

Andrea: "Oh. Right."

Diana: "Where do you guys want to change?"

Xena: "How about the van?"

Diana: "That won't work for me. I need space." (Click on picture to view movie) (Spins into action as Xena stands by staring jealously)

(Go to http://www.scifi.com/wonderwoman/freezone if these movies don't work on your computer and you'd like to see Wonder Woman do her thing)

Xena: (pouting) "That is so unfair. You get music and cool lights."

Andrea: "My turn."

(in background) " . . .And the Royal Sorcerer said 'With this Amulet, You Shall Have Powers Over The Forces of Nature and the Animals. . .You Will Soar As The Falcon Soars, Run With The Speed Of Gazelles And Command The Elements Of The Earth. . .To Summon Upon These Powers For Which I Have Given You. . .You Must Say Aloud The Words. . ."

Andrea: "Oh Mighty Isis" (voice over, lights, music and a cool amulet but alas no movie. Sorry)

Wonder Woman & Isis: "Your turn. Show us what you've got."

Xena: (bounding out of van) "Ta da! Drat! Where's that trumpet when a girl needs it?"

Act II: Scene II

VOA: Gabrielle and Rennie are standing inside of the club waiting for Cindy to join them. They try to converse but the noise just inside the door is too loud. Using hand signals, they agree to move further inside. Rennie leaves Gabrielle to get drinks for their group. Gabrielle is bopping her head and snapping her fingers to the music when Cindy finally joins her.

Cindy: "Sorry I took so long. That stupid bouncer cards me every time I come in here." (fluffs ponytails) "Where's Rennie?"

Gabrielle: "Well Bubbles, she got bored and went to get drinks for us. She said she'd be right back."

Cindy: (indignantly) "Don't call me that. I can't help it if I'm cute."

Gabrielle: "Cute! If you were cute, you never would have lost your sidekick job to a hip young black chick."

Cindy: "Huh?"

Gabrielle: "Nothing. I'm sorry." (mutters to self) "When will I ever learn to keep my mouth shut?"

Rennie: (overhears conversation as she's walking up) (to Gabrielle) "You think I'm hip?" (hands Shirley Temple to Cindy and red wine to Gabrielle keeps Shady Lady for herself)

Gabrielle: "Yep. The hippest. Next to me of course." (looks bemused at Rennie's smug expression) "You understood what I meant by that sidekick crack?"

Rennie: "Sure, only white people are fooled by lame disguises. I know who I am. I'm the replacement sidekick for Andrea Thomas who is really. . ." (insert trumpeting da da da daaa! sound effect here) " . . .The Mighty Isis."

Cindy: (looking around for trumpeter) "What are you talking about and what is that noise?"

Rennie: (to Gabrielle) "See, she's clueless."

Gabrielle: (nodding sagely) "Nothing Cindy. It's nothing." (looks for way to escape Cindy's company) "Look that's a really neat Xena costume. I'm going to check it out. See you guys later."

Wonder Woman: "Ladies. As you can tell by my costume, I'm disguised as Wonder Woman and my friend here is dressed as The Mighty Isis. Who are you supposed to be?"

Cindy: "Oh, I'm not in costume. I'm just here with my old friend Andrea Thomas. She used to be my teacher." (looks confused) "Maybe I should go find her 'cause I haven't seen her since I arrived." (She smiles politely and wanders away from the group)

Wonder Woman: "Oh." (shares an amused glance with The Mighty Isis then turns to Rennie) "How about you?"

Rennie: (leans towards Wonder Woman and whispers) "Hi Diana. I'm not in costume either." (winks at The Mighty Isis) "I'm here with my associate-"

The Mighty Isis: (menacingly) "Rennie. . ."

Rennie: "Sorry. I'm just trying to have a little fun. I'll behave. . ." (grins wickedly) ". . .later."

Rennie: "Don't worry Diana. Your secret's safe with me. My lips are sealed." (she puckers up and kisses Wonder Woman's prodigious cleavage) "I just thought we could take this chance to get to know each other better. The night is young and I'm in the mood to par-tay."

VOA: Gabrielle has spotted Xena chatting with a beautiful woman. She sees red and dashes over to interpose herself between her warrior and the pulchritudinous admirer.

Xena: "Woah Gabster. Where are you running off to so quickly? You look like you're being chased by the hounds of hell."

Aphrodite: "Hi Gabrielle, it's just me." (in an aside to Xena) "I'd think you'd be proud. She turns such a pretty shade of pink when she thinks someone's trying to horn in on her girl."

Xena: (looks at Gabrielle appraisingly) "Well. . .like the monster, she does have pretty green eyes."

Gabrielle: (whining) "Xena. Can I talk to you?"

Aphrodite: "Ut oh. Sound serious. I'm gonna make myself scare and make time with that luscious Isis chick. See you ladies around."

Gabrielle: "Xena, I was just talking to Rennie and she got me wondering. . ."

Xena: "Yes?"

Gabrielle: "Am I really who I am or am I what you made me?"

Xena: (annoyed) "What brought this up again? I'm just about to be called up for my song."

Gabrielle: "Xena."

Xena: "Okay baby. For the record you're Gabrielle, bard, Amazon Queen, my sidekick, best friend and lover. Nobody made you who you are, it was already there. Question is, what would I be without you?"

Gabrielle: "Hmm. I can answer that, you'd still be heroic, Xena. You were on that path when we met."

Xena: "Are you crazy? Without you to keep me on the straight and narrow. . ."

Gabrielle: "You would've managed."

Xena: "Hey!"

Gabrielle: "Just not as well." (she pecks Xena on the cheek and looks up when she hears the DJ call for Xena, Peace Warrior Princess) "Go on baby. You're up. Knock 'em dead. I love you."

VOA: Xena grins widely then dashes onto the stage and grabs the microphone from the DJ. She launches into a spirited rendition of the Kink's classic "Lola" while Gabrielle beams; eyes shining with love and admiration. The crowd goes wild.

Xena: (gesticulating wildly)

"Well we drank champagne and danced all night Under electric candlelight She picked me up and sat me on her knee And said dear boy won't you come home with me"

Act II: Scene III

VOA: So now we've reached the end of our tale and all is right with the world. Xena is still deeply in love with her bard. They share eternity together; Xena occasionally inflicting herself on unsuspecting Karaoke bars, and Gabrielle making up one lame joke after another. On other fronts, Wonder Woman has escaped the influence of the dim-witted Major Steve Trevor and is now learning the joys of Sapphic love from Andrea Thomas' soon to be former sidekick, Rennie Carol. Cindy Lee is as clueless as ever and is still searching for her former friend and teacher. May she never find her. As for the Mighty Isis. . .

The Mighty Isis: "That wasn't much of a Halloween tale, was it?"

Aphrodite: (tapping index finger to lips thoughtfully) "Oh, I don't know. I think it was pretty scary when Xena dove into the mosh pit. Especially since she was brandishing her sword and chakram. Imagine standing there looking up at a wild-eyed, wild haired, 'Lola' wailing banshee flying through the air." (sighing) "It reminded me of old times. Especially when Gabrielle whacked that overzealous Merpup who groped Xena's leathers."

The Mighty Isis: "They are pretty cute together. It's a shame you missed the wedding."

Aphrodite: (indignantly) "I was there. Who do you think performed the ceremony?"

The Mighty Isis: (shocked) "That was you? But you looked so. . .dowdy. I never would have imagined you could change your appearance that dramatically."

Aphrodite: (Waggles eyebrows) "Like Xena, I have many skills." (she smiles enigmatically) "Besides, I didn't want to overshadow either of the brides." (directs Isis' attention to the amorous antics of her formerly straight friend Wonder Woman. Isis gasps and blushes) "Now did you know that Halloween is a celebration of fertility rites?"

The Mighty Isis: "I thought that was Beltane."

"Aphrodite: "Details, smeetails. Let the celebration begin."

The Mighty Isis: (sighs breathlessly) "There's always that."

Thanks to Billy Ocean for the use of his song "Caribbean Queen." Thanks to The Kinks for the use of their song "Lola." Thanks to Kool and the Gang for the use of their song "Jungle Boogie." Thanks to LaLa for Gabrielle's slogan. You can read her reviews at http://www.screamingxenas.com

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