A FIDDLING FARCE--FOR SUUUUUURRRRRRE!

Female Interviewer, an unnamed fanfic bard, is about to fulfill one of her wildest fantasies--she is going back in time to Ancient Greece to interview Xena, Warrior Princess and/or Gabrielle, bard of Poteidaia. Frustrated by the last ep she saw, she wants to get the real deal on the relationship between the two women. And then there are those other little perks: At last, a chance to meet my idol face to face! And what a face! The most beautiful one in Ancient Greece. The most luscious body in Ancient Greece. The most gorgeous eyes and lips and naughtiest eyebrows in Ancient Greece. I'll be happy just to feast my eyes on her. I could go on and on, but why waste time blabbering? Let's go see her! Whooooooooooosh!

Of course, since this is FI's fantasy, she quickly finds Xena in the forest sitting on a log, expecting her arrival. Gabriel is conveniently parked away under a distant tree, wrapped in furs, sleeping. FI sits on the log next to XWP, who is tending to the never-ending chore of sharpening her sword. FI is thrilled to be so close to Xena. Because it is such a pleasure just to look at her. Right? For suuuuurrrrrre.

FI: "Xena, I saw that interview where the guy asked if you and Gabrielle were lovers. Because of the static, we didn't hear your answer. So, let me ask you again. Are you lovers?"

Xena, with a sexy sideways look: "I bet people think since we've traveled together almost every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month for six years that I surely would have made a move on her by now and we must be lovers, huh?" Xena takes a deep breath, which even under her armor is pretty breath-taking.

FI: "Some think 'yes' and some 'no.'"

The raven-haired beauty sticks the sword in the ground and her full lips twist into several quick and extremely fascinating shapes. "On the one hand, if we aren't lovers, doncha think someone with my hot and heavy passions would be pretty desperate for someone to 'play with' by now?" Sultry blue eyes examine FI from head to foot.

FI gulps, startled by a hot rush to unmentioned parts. Omigod, is that LUST I feel? The woman oozes animal magnetism. But I'm not…No, my body's just picking up on the heat coming from hers. After all, I'm just attracted to her strong personality and her awesome good looks, remember? For suuuuurrrrre.

As she sees the effect she is having on FI, Xena's mouth twitches with a saucy grin. "On the other hand, doncha think taking Gabrielle as a lover would be a little too easy for the Warrior Princess? Where's the challenge?"

FI, breathing heavily: "Challenge? But Gabrielle has tamed you, hasn't she?"

XWP snorts and drops her sword. Tugging her armor over her head, she tosses it aside. Her tempting breasts thrust against her leathers as she turns toward FI. Her tongue flicks out to wet her lush lips and FI nearly falls off the log. A lop-sided smile of invitation completes the seduction, drowning FI with undammed desire that drenches her like a dizzying downpour.

Xena's deep, sultry voice melts FI's insides like hot pools of bubbling syrup: "No one has tamed the Warrior Princess. Maybe you'd like to try?" Long fingers crawl up FI's arm.

FI opens her mouth to insist that she does not make love to women, even drop-dead gorgeous ones, but no sound comes out. Xena covers the open mouth with luscious lips, sliding her tongue into the moist orifice with tantalizing slowness. One long arm wraps around FI's quaking body while a hand reaches beneath her shirt, tracing patterns on her belly. The hand slides up and begins unbuttoning the shirt from the inside. With their lips sealed together, the two tumble off the log and fall behind a bush. Xena pulls FI full-length against her muscular side, while she unfastens the last button. FI, shivering with anticipation, marvels that the woman's kiss can fill her with such heated longing. She caresses Xena's shoulders and back, reveling in the silkiness of the tanned skin, the feel of the muscles moving under her touch.

Xena eases away for a moment and grabs for the collar of her leathers, intending to remove them. Suddenly she stops and mutters, "Damn."

FI, panting, can't believe what is happening to her. Xena hasn't really touched her yet, hasn't caressed her yearning body, hasn't brought her to fulfillment. But FI aches with wanting her to. And FI wants to do the same to Xena. And more! Her imagination is running wild and she is ready to beg, but groans come from her instead as she hears the next words.

"Xena!" Gabrielle hollers. "Have you caught the fish for breakfast yet?"

X quickly releases FI, sits up, and yells back, "Not yet, Gabrielle. I'll get 'em in a minute." She lays back down against FI who is almost crying with frustration. Xena's breath tickles her ear, and the warrior's low velvety voice murmurs. "I almost caught one, though, didn't I?" She dips her head and kisses FI's pulse point, rolls off of her, and sits up with a snicker.

FI grabs her. "Wait, Xena," she whispers desperately. "Besides waking my libido up into screaming agony, you haven't answered my oh-so-important question. Are you and Gabrielle lovers?"

Xena grins and shrugs and quirks her notorious eyebrow. "Were you and I lovers just now? Some would think 'yes.' Some would think 'no.'" She jumps up and lopes away, sending a wicked little chuckle floating back.

Doubly frustrated, FI pounds her head against the ground, suddenly realizing where she went wrong. You idiot! she berates herself as tears stream from her eyes. You could have had the Warrior Princess all to yourself to do whatever you wanted to. Orrrrrrrrr whatever she wanted to. <groan> But, no, you have to go and put Gabrielle in the damn fantasy. You think she would let Xena get away with anything? Aaaaaaarrrrgggggghhhhh.

FI sits bolt upright and slaps the tears from her face. You double idiot. Whose fantasy is this, anyway? You want to give this another try? For suuuuurrrrrre! Whooooooooooooooosssshhhhhhhh.

Same forest, same log, same sword sharpener.

FI: "Hi, Xena.

Same sexy blue eyes turn sideways toward FI.

FI: "Where's Gabrielle?"

Xena blinks several times, broods a moment, then answers. "She just went and got married to Perdicus. They're probably having a pretty good time right now."

FI's face almost breaks from the wide smile that won't stop. She puts an arm around Xena's broad shoulders. "That's a damn shame, Xena. I can't imagine how she could reject someone like you." She takes Xena's hand and lifts it to her lips. Xena turns sharply toward her and a surprised glint sparkles in the fascinating blue eyes. FI sees it and smiles even harder, if that is possible. But then, in a fantasy, anything is possible.

With shaking hands, FI helps Xena remove her armor. Well, hellllllllooooooooo, Warrior Princess. For suuuurrrrrre.

The End.