The Henbane Chronicles

"Today’s topic on ‘Search For A Life’ is ‘Warrior Princesses — The Myth, The Mystery’. We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

"Cut! Okay, Rudy…get in position…camera one, you’re up next."

"Makeup! Where’s Joannas? Get someone…Oh, good. Okay, I think I may have smeared a little here…quick, gimme a touch up. Fine. Thanks."

"Okay, on three, two, one!"

"Thanks for joining us today. I’m your host, Modulatus. In the world we live in, savage warlords terrorize villages and countrysides all around. People ask themselves…where do I go for help? Who can save me? And will they be six feet tall with incredible blue eyes and legs that go on forever? Today, on ‘Search For A Life’, we’ll explore this subject and meet a modern day ‘Warrior Princess’.

"Now most of you have heard of Xena, and….Sol! Quick! The audience!"

"Cut! Please everyone…get back in your seats. I assure you that you’re perfectly safe here! Sol! Get security! Lock the doors. How can we have questions from the audience if they bolt before we even get started? Modulatus, maybe you should just bring your guest out here so that the audience can get used to her."

"Ms. Warrior Princess, Xena, would you mind coming on stage with me? I…I’m sorry; I didn’t mean it that way. Please don’t look at me like that; you’ll scare the audience. What I meant to say is will you please take a seat so that the audience can get used to you? That’s better….whew! Thanks!

"We’ll just attach your microphone and…okay. Ready anytime you are, Sol."

"And it’s three, two, one!"

"We’re back. Our first guest today is a legend in our time, Xena, the warrior princess. I understand from our research that you actually are NOT a princess, am I right?"

"Well…no…That’s something that people started calling me. But I have much humbler origins."

"Let’s talk about that for a moment, shall we? You’re really just a small town girl with a vision, aren’t you?

"You might say that. I had a vision. I wanted to be the protector of my village. My brother, Lyceus and I both had that dream."

"Ah, yes. Lyceus. I see that the mention of his name still saddens you."

"It does. He was my best friend. I was his hero. But our dream got him killed."

"So, then, you changed your dream."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, on Search For A Life, we’re interested in people who are survivors. People who don’t let adversity stop them from making something of themselves. A person, who, if I may be so bold, like you?"

"Uh…I don’t think of myself like that. I’m not a hero."

"But surely…the good you’ve done. Let’s go there for a minute. When was the last time a Cyclops ate a mortal? We have you to thank for that, Xena."

"Where did you hear about a Cyclops? I never came across any Cyclopses."

"From the scrolls, Xena. Surely you know that the story about you blinding the Cyclops is in the scrolls that your best friend wrote."

"Oh…The Henbane Chronicles."

"Henbane Chronicles?"

"Gabrielle. She accidentally got into some henbane and it made her start thinking that the stalagmites and the stalactites in a cave she was hiding in were actually singers in a chorus. While she was…uh…delusional, she wrote some fantastic tales and they accidentally ended up at The Bard’s Academy. I nicknamed them, ‘The Henbane Chronicles."

"So some of the stories that she wrote about you were just the workings of an over-stimulated imagination?"

"Absolutely! And I can’t figure out how those scrolls ever got to Athens. She said she lost them. She never was real clear about that."

"I’m still dealing with the fact that the stories aren’t all true."

"Of course they’re not!"

"I must say that I’m a little disappointed. Some of those stories have been passed down during the last twenty-five years or so and are quite popular…especially the ones about the hot, sweaty sex you two were having at the time."

"The WHAT? GABRIELLE!!!!!"

"We’ll be right back, after this message."

"GABRIELLE!!!! Where’s Gabrielle? If she’s hiding, she’d better NOT come out!"

"Now, Xena. I’m sure she…"

"You’d better get out of my way, mister, unless you want a little ‘warrior princess whoop-ass!’"

"CUT!"

"Oh, so now you cut!"

"GABRIELLE!!!!"

"Xena, I…um…"

"For a woman whose pretty free with the words when the henbane hits ya’, you’re sure doing a pitiful job of explaining yourself right now, shorty!"

"Honestly, Xena. I thought I lost ALL the scrolls. I didn’t know those stories made it to Athens, too."

"Like I believe that. Spill it!"

"Okay, I was afraid that you’d read them. So I tucked them away, and when I sent some other scrolls to Athens, those ones must have gotten mixed up in them."

"Hmmm."

"Really, Xena. I’d never do anything to embarrass you. At least, not on purpose."

"Hmmm. Why’d you write about our sex life, anyway? We weren’t even having sex then."

"I was fantasizing. And remember, I was influenced by the henbane. I didn’t know what I was writing until it was too late."

"Now it’s twenty-five years too late, Gabrielle. And the whole known world THINKS they know about us. No wonder we get those odd looks everywhere we go!"

"Is it because I’m a woman?"

"Hades! No! It’s because you’re a blonde! You know blondes have never been my type before you came along."

"Am I your type, Xena?"

"Well now…maybe we should go somewhere and discuss what each other’s types are…quietly…and without a lot of clothes on."

"I go where you go, O Warrior Princess."

"Okay, Modulatus. We’re ready to roll tape again."

"I’m set. Thanks for the touch up Joannas."

"Hey! Where’d they go?"