Judgment Day

A Heavenly Interview

"Good God what is taking so long? We’ve been standing here waiting for an eternity."

"You know things may go a lot smoother if you stopped saying her name in that way. I hear she doesn’t like it."

"Whatever. I have other things I could be doing."

Glancing up, the small blonde warrior shot back, "Really, I like to see you pull that off given our present circumstances. Speaking of which, I hope this guy doesn’t bring that up or I die again of embarrassment. Oh look we’re next"

"Next up on ‘You Be the Judge:’ Xena, also known as The Warrior Princess and formerly the Destroyer of Nations. With her is Gabrielle whose credits include roaming Amazon Queen and The Battling Bard of Potadeia. Welcome ladies. "

The two frustrated women warriors enter the stage to polite applause and take up the two closest chairs to the angel behind the large desk.

"Ya know buddy, this whole system needs to be upgraded. I could have taken another twenty-five year nap in the time it took to come out here."

"Ah. You must be the one they call "Xena: Warrior Princess." Funny, I thought you’d be taller. Consider yourself lucky, people use to have to stand in a line to be judged, but we decided to try a new approach and at least provide comfortable seating. Anyway my name is Loki and I will be your official designated judgment angel this evening. Our usual angel, Saint Peter, is vacationing in the deserted Hall of Mount Olympus. Ironically enough He picked me "The Angel of Death" to do this interview. Remember this show runs live through closed circuit TV, so keep any foul language to an absolute minimum. Let’s get started. "

"Let me get this straight, the Angel of Death is going to decided whether or not Xena and I get into heaven or thrown in Hell?"

"Well sister, they don’t call this Judgment Day for nothing. And to answer you question, no, I will not be deciding your final fate. I get to ask you a few questions and review your life choices and then make recommendations to help decide whether you qualify to directly to heaven, go straight to hell and not collecting 200 dinars on the way, or whether you warrant reincarnation to make up for mistakes you had made in your lifetime. Questions before we begin? We used to let our studio audience decide, but they started getting vicious with punishments so they are here for their own entertainment purposes. Between you and me, I think they like to place bets on the outcome. We are the highest rated, not nationally television show in heaven and hell. I hear Lucifer is watching in Hell right tonight. Something about getting back at the lying, cheating, double-crossing bitch that sent him there. "

"How do you determine whether to send us to heaven or back to our lives?" inquired the bard.

"No, you misunderstand. You won’t go back to your previous lives’. You’ll get put back into the karmic cycle in new bodies. God like to recycle if at all possible."

"But we’d be put together, right?" Gabrielle asked.

"Not at first. You would have to find each other again as you did before. However, be forewarned, God has a sense of humor and she could have you come back as sisters, mother and daughter, brothers….."

"Okay, okay we get the picture. That however is inhuman. We CANNOT AND WILL NOT go back as relatives." Xena’s patience was pushed to the limits and she was currently trying to decide if the sharp end of her sword would move this along quicker.

"Relax, she usually makes sure soul mates aren’t connected by blood, well, except maybe in Alabama or Kentucky but that is another story. However, she may put you in different countries. Oh by the way, here is a free tip; DON’T yell at the angel making the recommendation as to where you go. My quill could ‘accidentally’ mark the Hell column or perhaps you’d like to go back as an asexual earthworm."

"Where are Alabama and Kentucky?" inquired Gabrielle. She couldn’t keep the conversation focused on her, dammit.

"Never-you-mind that. I have others waiting and the audience is losing patience. You don’t want to be the cause of that happening. The last guy they got tired of was met outside after his judgment and was….. Tell ya what…let’s just skip that, lawsuits are still pending but that is why the reinforced steel fence around the stage was installed. It also keeps them from getting backstage, but I digress. First issue I like to discuss is the rather large ego you have"

"Hey buddy, I may have had an ego problem in my younger days, but I have tried to focus on bigger problems and have not spent the last six years trying to redeem myself for ego purposes."

"Testy today I see. Would the big, bad Warrior Princess like a cookie? Hey, what exactly are you a princess of? Never mind, not important. For the record you have actually spent thirty-two years trying to redeem yourself. Just cause you slept for twenty-five doesn’t mean we don’t count them. And that year of memory loss counts as well. Anyway, I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to ‘The Battling Bard’. "

"Wait! Me! I don’t have an ego problem."

"Denial is a river in Egypt, sweet cheeks, it will get you no where here."

"Look, I don’t have an ego problem so move on."

"Really, let’s examine that shall we. Did you know that you little face lights up whenever the term ‘Battling Bard’ is used? We also know you have been signing your correspondence with that name. We also know that you have a sleep shift with the nickname on it. That was a little harder to prove since you seem to sleep naked almost every night. But I did talk to the engraver who etched the name on your Sais.

"I didn’t give myself that name, I woke up from an extremely long nap to find others using it. So I don’t see how that proves anything."

"Have you discourage the use of the term at all?"

"Well the people seem to like and I have always believed that people should be able to think whatever they want. If it makes them happy, I won’t correct them. Besides, it is just a nickname."

"Riiiiiiiiight. Anyway, that is not the only example of your ego. Have you ever gotten yourself or others in trouble by letting yourself get sidetrack from the greater good for purposes of winning, praise, or money?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about. Xena, stop smirking and I heard that chuckle."

"Again, refer to my previous statement about rivers and Egypt. Shall I bring up the ‘Miss Known Universe Pageant.’ where you were concentrating on having Xena win the pageant and not helping solve the problem? How about the incident of trying to save Cleopatra from an assassin and getting jailed in the process? I seem to remember Autolycus having some suggestions on solving the problem and someone thought her idea was better. I do in fact have a copy of the royal guard report on your incarceration. By the way, the picture on the report could have used work. Do I even need to bring up "Gabrielle and Xena: A Message of Peace?"

"What about my play? It had merit and a message of peace and love before someone who shall remain nameless, Xena, came in a started a fight."

"If I recall correctly, Gabrielle, I showed up and saved your butt from a pack of warlords who wanted their money back. Plus the crowd loved the action sequences."

"Yes.. Yes... ladies, there will be plenty of time for bickering where you’re going, ACKKKKK. Please…..let…..go….can’t….. breathe. Thank you. Don’t go get all into warrior mode. I haven’t made a recommendation yet. I just love messing with human minds. And Xena, evil glares don’t have an effect on me so stop it. I have my own flaming sword so you can stop wondering whether using your sword will move this along."

"Why you little…."

Trying to refocus the conversation back on her, Gabrielle shouted, "HEY, back to me and my play. It was about love and peace. How does that prove I have an ego problem?"

"First, who did you cast as Gabrielle?"

"Well, me. But I only chose to do it because no one else could accurately portray me. The Gabrielle in the scrolls was such a complex character that I knew no one else could get the message across with love and compassion."

"So you felt Xena could be replaced and/or portrayed easily?"

"I didn’t say that" Gabrielle shot back rather defensively.

"Did you have an actress portray her, or did you let Xena play herself?"

"Well, yes, an actress portrayed her but it was only because she wasn’t there at the time."

"Did you send for her?""

"No, there wasn’t time."

"There was time to build a set, hire actors and advertise the play but you expect us to believe there wasn’t time to send a note to Xena?"

"Well, you see….."

"Admit it Gabrielle. You got suckered into making the play because two con artists convinced you, and you ego that the play could rival Socrates. You were unable to say no after that weren’t you? Moving on, did you or did you not change the text of the scroll from peace and love to blood and sex?"

"I changed it back. I’ll admit I use to like praise and may have let my ego get me into trouble. However, since then my ego has not been a factor"

"Really, so it wasn’t you who had Argo and yourself shrunk due to illegal gambling?"

"Illegal gambling? What are you talking about?"

"How often go you make bets with people, Gabrielle? Was it not your bet with Xena that lead to the events of Argo miniature size? Was it not a bet with the God of Despair that lead to your even smaller size?"

"Lay off the short jokes buddy. One of those was a friendly wager with a friend and one was necessary to unshrink Argo. It’s not my fault his stupid dedication rock was hidden. Hey, don’t you have questions for the mighty Warrior Princess?

"Call them wagers if you will but I like to think of them as the first step toward addiction. And I am having to much fun with you to ask Xena questions. My next question is quite simple. Is it my imagination or do you seem to be wearing less and less clothing? Earlier file photos prove the length of your skirt has all but shrunk to a near loincloth. Do you do this to distract the people you fight against or to once again stroke your ego by showing off most of your body?"

Xena had enough. It was time to defend her bard. "Listen buddy, lay off the bard’s clothing choices. Some of us do appreciate the view and if she covers back up, I will make it my mission to get in to heaven and kick your not so little ass."

"Alrighty then, let’s move on to the really important thing item. This is a question for both of you."

"Let me guess, ‘Are the two of you lovers’? Like we haven’t been asked that question a million times before. You would think you people could ask a different question from time to time."

"Well, Miss High and Mighty Warrior Princess, let me be the first to tell you that one of your many skills is not mind reading so find another hobby. You suck at it. That was not my question. You forget; we know all. Of course we know you are lovers. We have no issue with that. Love is Love. We had quite the be….wagering pool to see how it would take you two to get together. The world was created in less time than it took the two of you to admit your feelings for each other. My last question is: How did the two of you die this time?

"Well Mr. I Know It All. I would think you already know how we died."

"Well I do. However part of my job is to get you to admit to what happened. It is vital that you answer truthfully. Lying up here is frowned upon."

"No comment."

"Xena, we have to answer the question. Remember Hell. I do. Been there, done that, not going back again."

"Fine, we were in backseat of a wagon. We were rather occupied at the time and were focusing our attention on the matter at hand, so to speak. We never noticed the wagon start to move from the rocking action and the stupid thing went off a cliff."

"You’re telling me, you were so involved in each other that you didn’t notice the wagon moving?"

"I thought the earth was moving for another reason," Gabrielle stated quietly. Xena just grinned.

Looking at the warrior in a new light, Loki start to speak "Well…."

"Loki" a rather loud voice called.

"Yes Almighty One."

"Why are these two here? It was not their time."

"I just thought…"

"That was problem number one. I know you gave that wagon a little push for your own reasons. Most of which revolve around wanting a closer look at Gabrielle’s legs. Problem number two is not to hit an angel over the head and lock him in a closet. They get real pissed off when you do. Saint Peter is looking for you by the way. Return them both back to where they are suppose to be and meet me in my office for some of my own personal judging. I have a new form of punishment I like to try out. I will be putting you on an island with fifteen other angels and putting you through a series of ‘challenges.’ The winner gets off my shit list. Oh, and I’d start with an apology before Xena tries to pull off your wings feather by feather for looking at the bard in a less than appropriate way for a angel with no anatomy."

"Absolutely. Right away."

Turning to Xena and Gabrielle, Loki sputtered out, "I’m afraid you were brought here in a less than justifiable manner."

"Meaning what exactly?"

"You didn’t actually die. I may have taken you for my own reasons instead of waiting for your natural time." Loki looked into two sets of very angry eyes. "Okay, on that note, Let’s say good night to our guests."

As soon as the last words were out of his mouth, Loki and the audience disappeared.

The Warrior and Bard jerked awake looking all around the wagon and into the dark forest for what ever woke them. Lying back down, the bard whispered, "You are never going to believe the dream I just had."

"Couldn’t be any stranger than mine. I tell you mine, if you tell me yours, but how about we do it in the morning. I’m to tired to move."

"Deal. I love you Xena."

"I love you, too"

As she started to drift back into the sleep her body demanded after its recent activity, the warrior sat back up and gave in to her sudden urge to move the wagon away from the cliff it was parked next to.

The end