The Interview
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who watch my show regularly, no introductions are necessary BUT for those just tuning in let me introduce myself to you along with some of the crew..My name is Gabby Bruno, broadcasting live from the Athens Acropolis and my show, of course, is Ask Gabby.. the two wonderful guys behind the cameras are Perdi and Aurilious...say hi guys!...ha, ha,ha...don't you just love it when those cameras nod?..Now, tonight I have the special honor of having Xena, Warrior Princess and Gabrielle, the battling bard of Potadiea on my show...now the rules are simple..I get to ask them a few questions and then you,my viewers, can call in on the number posted on your screen and ask our guests any question you want as long as it isn't TOOO sexually oriented...and speaking of sexually oriented, please welcome Xena and Gabrielle."
"Hi Xena, Hi Gabrielle, welcome to Ask Gabby"
"Thanks, Gabby, it's a pleasure"
"Yeah, Gabrielle and I are looking forward to this tonight. It's not too often we can sit back and relax and answer questions from our fans. Normally, we're going from one crisis to another..You know, warrior stuff."
"Well, Xena, Gabrielle, let's get right down to business, then. You're aware there's been a lot of speculation over the past few years as to whether you two are lovers, right? So fess up! Are you?"
"Geez, Gabby, you don't waste any time, do you? Well, let's see... Gabrielle, why don't YOU answer that one."
"Uh, Xena, I think maybe I'll pass this one off to you"
"Nah, Gabby...not you, Gabby, but Gabrielle, my Gabby...why don't you answer it?"
"Because I don't want to, Xena, it's TOO personal. I don't handle personal well publicly. You know that!"
"Well, I don't do public personal at all so..."
"Ladies, ladies...maybe I should ask something a little easier to answer first and get you warmed up. How about that? All right, let's see. Gabrielle, over the years it seems like you have been in some competition with Argo for Xena's affections. How do you feel about that?"
"Well, Gabby, let me just.."
"Now wait a minute! Gabrielle and Argo have never competed for my affections. Gabrielle knows she's my favorite human being and Argo's my favorite horse. What's to compete?"
"UH, Xena, I think I was suppose to answer that question"
"I know, Gabby, but it was such a stupid question"
"I don't think it was stupid. I think it was a fair question and I would like to answer it"
"Gabby! You can't HONESTLY say you felt you were any competition to Argo?"
"Excuse me,Xena, but maybe you want to rephrase that question? I don't think Gabrielle is quite happy about the way it came out?"
"No, that's all right, Gabby. OBVIOUSLY, Xena doesn't want me to answer that so let's just try another question"
"Wait a minute! Of course, you can answer it. I just thought it was too stupid a question to ask. Go ahead and answer it, Gabby"
"Nah, I don't think so!"
"Gabby! ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!"
"Xena, I said NO! And don't swear! It's unladylike!"
"Unladylike! For Hades sake, when did I ever give a sh..."
"WEELLL, ladies and gentlemen it's time for break. When we come back, our first caller will have the opportunity to ask Xena and Gabrielle a question. We'll be back in a few minutes"
"Xena!"
"Gabrielle!"
<two minutes later....>
"Ok, here we are back with our guests Xena and Gabrielle. On the telephone is Rufuso from Tiberius. How are you, Rufuso?"
"Fine, Gabby. I just love your show"
"Why thanks, Rufuso. What would you like to ask Xena or Gabrielle tonight?"
"Well, I'd like to ask Gabrielle, if she and Perdicus ever consummated their marriage...you know, did the dirty, etc."
"What the hell kind of question is that? Gabrielle isn't answering that? That's none of your God damned business, Rufuso. I ought to.."
"Xena! Xena! Calm down will you? I can stick up for myself, you know!"
"Of course, you can, but you're not answering that question. He has.."
"What do you mean I'm not answering it. I will if I want! What gives you.."
"What gives me the right? WHAT GIVES ME THE RIGHT! I'll tell you what..."
"Uh, ladies..maybe we'll just pass that one by and go to the next caller. Joshua from Tiberius..alot of Tiberius viewers tonight..Hi, Joshua, what do you want to know?"
"Hi, Gabby, love the show..Hi Xena, Hi Gabrielle"
"Hi Joshua"
"Hi Joshua"
"So whats the question, Joshua"
"Hey, Xena, what kind of underwear do you wear under that outfit of yours and is it silk or leather?"
"What? What kind of perverts do they raise in Tiberius. I should have burned that.."
"Uh, Xena, calm down. It's not really that bad a question"
"What do you mean, not that bad. It's none of there damn business what kind of underwear I wear.."
"It's leather, Rufus"
"Gabrielle, you had no right answering that"
"What do you mean, I had no right. I'm the one who washes them, hangs them up to dry. What's the big friggin deal?"
"I'll tell you what.."
"LADIES, PLEASE! Ok we have time for maybe two more questions...we have Najara from ..well, Najara, you didn't give us your home town"
"I don't have one! I just have one question for Gabrielle."
"Well, ask away, Najara."
"OK, My question is this. If you two aren't lovers, do you think I have a chance with you, Gabrielle?"
"Wait a minute! I KNOW YOU! YOU'RE THAT NAJARA! YOU'RE DEAD MEAT! YOU HEAR ME! I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU INSTEAD OF TAKING YOU TO THOSE SISTERS! I'M COMING FOR YOU...YOUR ASS IS..."
"XENA, STOP IT!"
"Gabrielle..."
"NO, Xena. This was my question. I get to answer it. Now sit down and shut up!"
"But Gabby"
"Xena, shut up"
"Oh all right. Answer the damn question. But I'm going after the bitch when we're through here."
"No you're not, Xena. You're not like that anymore"
"Well, I sure can be just this time!"
"Xena, promise me you won't hurt Najara"
"Gabrielle.."
"No, Xena, promise me you won't become the monster you were..Now you promise me!"
"Oh, all right, Sweet..uh, Gabrielle. I won't hurt her"
"Thanks, Xena. You know I love..uh love that big forgiving heart of yours"
"Well, Ladies, it looks like our time is almost up. Let me try one more question. Less personal, though. OK?"
"Sure"
"OK"
"Right! Since you didn't answer the question about being lovers, could you at least tell us if on REALLY cold nights, do you two snuggle...you know like under the same animal skins...now, Xena, before you get all hot and bothered, I'm just talking snuggle. Do you?"
"SNUGGLE, Gabby, I'm a warrior. I'm the warrior princess. Warriors DO NOT snuggle!"
"Well, you know, Xena, that's not exactly true. We do kind of share the same blanket, and we are kind of short on clothing.."
"Gabrielle! WARRIORS DO NOT SNUGGLE! GOT THAT!"
"All right! All right! So we don't snuggle. You happy now? For Hades sake, you think anyone would dare say something to you even if you admitted it...NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING TO ADMIT, THE GODS FORBID!"
"Well, Ladies I guess this interview has come to an end. I want to personally thank you two for appearing on the show tonight and being such good sports and by answering all those questions. One thing for sure, whether you're lovers or not, you certainly sound like you're married. Maybe we can get you back for another round later this year and pursue this a little more."
"Well, UNFORTUNATELY, Gabby and I heading off to Chin and Indis right after the show and won't be back for a VERY LONG TIME. Maybe never! It's been fun. Let's go,Gabrielle. Time to move. Argo's waiting, Tah, Tah and all that! Bye..."
"Xena, stop that! Thanks Gabby for having us on your program. We'll check our schedules. Come on Xena..GEEZ, you are sooo bad. What'd you mean heading to Chin? You know how long a walk that is?"
"Aw, come on, Gabby, I was only kidding"
"Yeah, right!"
"Well, that was certainly an enlightening interview. I want to thank my viewers and hope that tonights episode has answered all those questions that have been going around about Xena and Gabrielle. Next week, our guest will be Hercules and Iolus. And the BIG question will be "are they or aren't they?" "Bye until next week"
RING! RING!
"hello. Oh hi..wait, what do you mean you're cancelling..you can't...damn..well same to you too guys"
click
THE END