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<<.WARNING! WARNING!.>>
<<.THERE ARE DANGEROUSLY BAD JOKES AHEAD.>>
The following 10 shorts are my contribution to the Bard Challenge #24.
I wanted to do serious little angst filled shorts but I mean, c’mon…in 250 words?
Who am I kidding…I can’t do angsty, drama stuff at all.
As you will see, I used a different fandom
for each prompt.
Apologies to my awesome Beta who checked this over
and found NO COMMAS to vacuum out.
Sorry.
Okay, not really. LOL
This is for EVIL J…so let’s call this:
Punny You Should Mention…
By CaseyROCKS
DISCLAIMER: Characters not mine and never will be. Dammit.
STORY: All 250 words are my fault. Dammit.
If you like it, let me know. If you don’t, you can let me know that too. If you want to throw things…I am partial to tomatoes.
PROMPT: #1-Ribbon.
FANDOM: Law and Order: SVU. (I ship Casey/Olivia…if this makes all you Alex/Olivia shippers squeamish…move along. However, I do put Alex with Abbie and that is not too shabby of a consolation prize for Cabot, y’know?”)
Alex raised her hand above her eyes to block out some of the bright Texas sun as she looked up at her girlfriend on the roof. Abbie, Alex and their friends Casey and Olivia had decided it would be a nice idea to spend Christmas this year at Abbie’s mother’s house.
“Abbie! Please be careful,” Alex called up to the roof.
“Hey? What am I, chopped liver?” Olivia yelled back.
“It’s Casey job to worry about you,” Alex replied.
“Gee thanks.” Olivia then asked Abbie, “Are we about done? Casey and your Mom are baking cookies and I hear them calling my name.”
“Well, let’s see…mesh lights on bushes-check, twinkling stars on the garage door-check, wreathes on the front door-check, and icicle lights on the gutters-check.”
“So we can get…”
“No wait, we have to do one more thing. Shoot. I left it down by the driveway. Can you climb down and bring me back that wide piece of blue fabric?”
“Seriously?”
“Please?”
Olivia sighed but did as she asked. She then climbed back down just as Emma and Casey came out of the house. All four watched as Abbie tied a giant bow on the chimney.
“Nice touch but…” Casey started but then stopped when Emma began laughing.
“Abbie and her grandfather were quite close. She got her sense of humor from him and her taste for beer. She started doing that after he passed away as a tribute,” Emma explained. “She called that big blue bow…Pappy’s Flue Ribbon.”
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DISCLAIMER: Characters not mine and never will be. Dammit.
STORY: All 250 words are my fault. Dammit.
If you like it, let me know. If you don’t, you can let me know that too. If you want to throw things…how about some lettuce.
PROMPT: #2-Jolly.
FANDOM: Women’s Murder Club.
“To get back to your question…” Lindsay reached down to her dish, picked up a fry and dunked it in ketchup. She offered it to Cindy who was seated beside her in their regular booth at Papa Joe’s. Cindy’s teeth took it neatly from Lindsay’s fingers then she kissed the digits The Inspector immediately blushed. “Ahem,” she cleared her throat, “I think our worse unsolved case was the Nicholas Jollet murder.”
Jill reached across to snag her own fry and received the patented Boxer glare. She returned a cute grin as she happily munched on the stolen potato. “Oh yeah, no doubt. I wanted to prosecute that one. We had a ton of evidence…all circumstantial.”
“I remember that one too,” Claire interjected. “Jollet Toys for jolly girls and boys. I’ll always remember his commercials. Didn’t it happen around the holidays?”
“Yeah…Ow!” Jill tried to snag another fry and got her hand slapped.
“Get your own,” the Inspector growled.
“Why? Yours are right there,” Jill replied, “and sharing is a nice thing to do.”
Lindsay rolled her eyes and slid her plate closer to Jill’s.
The blonde continued while she slid some fries from one plate to the other, “I actually had a witness but there was no way I could call her to testify.”
“Why not, Jill?” the reporter asked, “Not reliable?”
“Couldn’t testify. It was his dog. Beautiful. Looked just like Lassie.”
The reporter started laughing. “I can see the headline now…DA’s office to have a Collie Jollet Witness.”
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DISCLAIMER: Characters not mine and never will be. Dammit.
STORY: All 250 words are my fault. Dammit.
If you like it, let me know. If you don’t, you can let me know that too. If you want to throw things…hmmm…baby carrots?
PROMPT: #3-Snow.
FANDOM: Grey’s Anatomy.
“Brrrrrr,” Doctor Arizona Robbins grimaced as she shook the snow out of her blonde hair and off her coat. She and Doctor Callie Torres had just made the treacherous trek from their apartment to Seattle Grace Hospital. They were due to begin their respective shifts within the hour. The normal five minute jaunt from across the street took triple that even though there was virtually no traffic. But the road and sidewalks they needed to walk on were covered in snow and ice due to a surprise winter storm that hit Seattle earlier that morning.
Callie took off her coat and shook it out, as well, but unlike Arizona she was smiling broadly.
“Calliope? What are you so happy about?”
“I absolutely love this weather.”
“What?!?” Arizona tilted her head and looked quizzically at her girlfriend. “Aren’t you a ‘fun in the sun-life’s a beach- Miami born and raised’ kinda girl?”
“Well, yeah. But remember what I do for a living.” Callie threw her arm around Arizona’s shoulder and directed her to the elevator bank. “Think of it Ari…all that snow and ice. That means skis, skates and sleds. Which means slips; falls; sprains; strains; anterior cruciate ligament tears; shoulder dislocations, clavicle, ulna, femur and radius fractures; and let’s not forget frostbite.” She turned and placed her hands on Arizona’s shoulders. “I am going to be jamming today. Isn’t that great?”
“Seriously, Calliope…” Arizona chastised.
“Face it Arizona, for a Rockstar Orthopedic Surgeon there is no business like snow business.”
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DISCLAIMER: Characters not mine and never will be. Dammit.
STORY: All 250 words are my fault. Dammit.
Actually, not really. The incredibly bad joke in this story is not mine but I’m not sure who should get ‘credited’ for it. Actually, a better word would probably be ‘blamed.’
If you like it, let me know. If you don’t, you can let me know that too. If you want to throw things…cucumbers, yeah cucumbers.
PROMPT: #4-Candle.
FANDOM: Popular.
Sam, shouting, came barreling through the door of the Palace. “Brooke! Look what I got at the pet shop.” Sam set the cage down on the coffee table and took the cover off. Inside was a small parrot.
“Great Sammy…you got a bird.” Brooke started to walk away.
“No wait. It’s a special bird.” Sam opened the cage door and took the bird out. She set the parrot on top of the cage. “This is Chet and he sings Christmas Carols.”
“Ri-ight.” The blonde snarked.
“No really. Watch.” Sam looked at Chet. “Go ahead, show her.”
Nothing happened. The brunette frowned.
“Must be singing Silent Night…really silently,” Brooke said drolly and rolled her eyes.
“Wait, wait. I remember how the man got him started. We need to warm him up. Give me that candle.” She pointed to the mantle.
Brooke took the candle off the mantle and held it out to Sam. Sam lifted one of Chet’s wings and waved the lit candle under it. He began to sing ‘Jingle Bells.’
“See, told ya. Now watch.” She lifted his other wing and he launched into a rousing version of ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas.’ Sam put the candle down and picked up Chet. “Pretty cool, huh?” She stroked the feathers on his head.
“Let me try.” Brooke took the parrot out of Sam’s hands. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle’s flame. He began to sing passionately, “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire!”
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DISCLAIMER: Characters not mine and never will be. Dammit.
STORY: All 250 words are my fault. Dammit.
If you like it, let me know. If you don’t, you can let me know that too. If you want to throw things…celery is good.
PROMPT: #5-Elf.
FANDOM: CSI Vegas.
Catherine Willows ducked under the yellow tape and stepped through the doorway. She stopped and raised her sunglasses to the top of her head. She whistled low as she surveyed the scene. “What a mess,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief, as she stepped gingerly around all the broken toys that littered the floor. Their latest case was a dead body found at the Just in the Saint Nick of Time Toy Store. “What a waste,” she mumbled. She looked up when she heard her name called.
“Cath, over here,” Sara Sidle was rising from a crouch and waving her over.
“What do we have?” She asked as she made her way over.
“DB is a white male, looks to be in his late sixties, six-six, about two hundred fifty pounds. ID found nearby confirms it’s Nick Santas, the owner of the establishment. Single gunshot wound. Found the weapon near the body. It’s a nine mil.”
“Okay, and ???”
“Here’s the thing…” she pointed to the red suited body and crouched down again. “ See the powder burns around the entrance wound?”
“Yeah.”
“Shot from very close range.” Sara then rolled the body over. “Now see the exit wound?”
“Upward trajectory?”
“Right.” She paused, looked up and cocked her head to one side, a puzzled look on her face. “At first I thought suicide but something is just not right. The entrance wound is so low on the body.”
“Not suicide but close. That’s an ELF-inflicted gun shot wound.”
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DISCLAIMER: Characters not mine and never will be. Dammit.
STORY: All 250 words are my fault. Dammit.
If you like it, let me know. If you don’t, you can let me know that too. If you want to throw things…some red cabbage would be awesome.
PROMPT: #6-Sleigh.
FANDOM: The Devil Wears Prada. (In this story Miranda and Andy are together and have been for awhile. Andy does not work for Runway.)
Emily Charlton met the brunette just as she came running into the Elias-Clarke lobby. Andy’s snow covered boots went skidding on the tile floor as she tried to stop abruptly and the lithe redhead had all to do to grab onto her coat sleeve to keep the woman, and subsequently herself, upright.
“Bloody hell, Sachs!” Emily let go of Andy’s arm and made an exaggerated effort to straighten her own attire.
“Is Miranda alright? What’s wrong?”
“Wrong?” She looked at her hand. “I think I just broke a nail.”
“Emily! You called me screaming ‘RED ALERT!’ and then you hung up on me. What’s wrong with Miranda?”
“Yes, well….” Emily was going to go for a contrite look and quickly changed her mind.
She pointed a finger at Andy. “It’s your fault.”
“What?!?”
“Your anniversary? I mean really, Andy. How could you forget? She has been breathing fire all morning. She fired six models, an art director and has Nigel so scared that he has been hiding up in the Auto World mensroom for the past two hours.”
“I didn’t. I just finished arranging for a surprise romantic carriage ride through the park.”
“In this weather, are you daft?”
“The carriages have runners, heated blankets AND hot toddies.”
“Oh.”
Andy held up her hand, dismissively. “I’ll take care of this.”
Andy started for the elevators, then stopped and returned. She grinned at the redhead. “Worry not, milady, the Runway Kingdom will be safe once more. I shall sleigh the dragon.”
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DISCLAIMER: Characters not mine and never will be. Dammit.
STORY: All 250 words are my fault. Dammit.
If you like it, let me know. If you don’t, you can let me know that too. If you want to throw things…croutons would work.
PROMPT: #7-Pinecone.
FANDOM: Birds of Prey.
“Oooh, close, D.”
Helena and Dinah were both leaning over the Clocktower’s balcony railing and looking at the street below.
“I dunno. I still think you’re cheating somehow.” She stood back up and tucked part of her blonde hair behind her ear.
“How could I?” Helena straightened up as well. “Same stuff.”
“I still don’t understand why your M&M worked but my red one didn’t.”
“Never underestimate the power of the green.” Helena smiled mischievously. “So, what else do we have?”
Dinah reached down and picked up a couple of pinecones. “I got these from Alfred’s firestarter stash.”
“Should I even ask what you are doing?” Barbara wheeled out to the balcony with her best ‘I’m a teacher and you are busted’ look on her face.
“Um, nothing,” Dinah said a bit guiltily.
“You don’t ask, I don’t tell, Red,” Helena replied with her typical smirk.
“I see.” Barbara addressed the blonde, “Dinah?”
Dinah sighed. “We have been tossing things and trying to hit the fire hydrant below.” At Barbara’s frown, she added quickly, “Nobody is down there. The snowstorm pretty much shut everything down.”
“What have you been using for your missiles?” Barbara raised an eyebrow.
“Well, ummm… Lifesavers, M&Ms and a couple old CDs,” Helena answered. “But they Frisbeed.” She held up a pinecone. “We are gonna try these next but it’s getting windier. We may have to add something to them to make them heavier.”
Barbara replied deadpan, “Y’know Helen-a, pine is a terrible thing to weight.”
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DISCLAIMER: Characters not mine and never will be. Dammit.
STORY: All 250 words are my fault. Dammit.
If you like it, let me know. If you don’t, you can let me know that too. If you want to throw things…I really like Romano cheese.
PROMPT: #8-Star.
FANDOM: Nikki and Nora.
Darius stood as the two women detectives approached the table. He leaned over and gave Nikki a kiss on the cheek. He turned to Nora and held out his hand. She shook it firmly and passed him the small envelope of cash she had palmed. He immediately shoved it in his pants pocket. He ordered three beers with a wave to a passing waitress and all three sat.
“So? Was I right or was I right?” He looked between the smiling women. “I told you I was gold.”
“That you are, sugar,” Nikki acknowledged.
“How did you know our famous perp would use that particular pawn shop?” Nora asked.
“Voodoo magic,” he said with a grin. At the twin roll of eyes he added, “trade secret, ‘chere.”
“Well, however you did it, it worked. For the sting, we had Nikki pose as a clerk. We knew he’d have to try to ditch the stolen Sapphire Star Pendant. He needed to get rid of the evidence. Plus with his famous mug, he’d be blackmail gold for a fence. Big news anchor like him would be worth some cash.”
“The guy comes in with a cap pulled down and his collar up. Like that’s a disguise. When we tell him he’s busted for stolen goods he starts yelling ‘do you know who I am?’” Nikki chuckled.
“Then Nikki, with a big smirk, slaps the cuffs on him and says ‘when you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are’.”
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DISCLAIMER: Characters not mine and never will be. Dammit.
STORY: All 250 words are my fault. Dammit.
OH wait…not on this one. Some of the words belong to Clement Moore. You’ll know whose are whose.
If you like it, let me know. If you don’t, you can let me know that too. If you want to throw things…ummm…how about some Italian dressing?
PROMPT: #9-Holly.
FANDOM: Guiding Light.
Olivia’s attention was drawn to the teen currently walking into the highly holiday decorated farmhouse livingroom. “Hey Bean.”
“Hi Mom, hey kiddo. What’s up?”
“I’m reading a story to Fancy here.” She tickled the little girl. “Right?”
The child managed to giggle out a “Yep. ‘Bout Santa.”
Olivia watched as Emma pulled over an ottoman and sat down. “Where was I…Night before…creatures…no mouse…”
“Good thing too, or Ma would have a fit. She hates mice.”
Olivia grinned and continued. “Stockings…St. Nicholas…”
“Santa!” Fancy said and clapped.
“Right. Children…visions of sugar-plums…”
“Mommy?” Fancy looked up, confused.
“It’s like candy.”
“Oooh, yum.”
“Here we go…And ma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap, had just settled down for a long winter's nap.”
Emma snorted. “Sorry, weird visual.”
“When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow, gave the luster of mid-day to objects below. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.”
“Hold up.” Emma held up a hand. “Santa doesn’t use a sleigh anymore. Reindeer are so yesterday,” she added, matter-of-factly.
“Really, smarta…aleck,” Olivia corrected herself, “what does he use then?”
“A motorcycle.”
Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head. “This should be good,” she muttered. “A motorcycle, Emma?”
“A Holly Davidson.”
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DISCLAIMER: Characters not mine and never will be. Dammit.
STORY: All 250 words are my fault. Dammit.
If you like it, let me know. If you don’t, you can let me know that too. If you want to throw things…how about some unbreakable crockery this time? I’ve got plenty of salad to share now.
PROMPT: #10-Reindeer.
FANDOM: Rizzoli and Isles.
“D.D. Reade and Sons, Health Foods,” Dr. Maura Isles read aloud as they approached the establishment. Jane Rizzoli held open the door for Maura allowing the good doctor to enter first.
“I don’t understand Jane. Why are we here?”
“You said something about eating healthier snacks to balance out all the unhealthy food we will be eating this Christmas and this store is the best. They have this really good granola-y stuff called ‘Reindeer Feed.’”
“Granola-y is not a real word, Jane,” Maura chastised but smiled.
“Is that you, Rizzoli?”
They both turned as a man approached them. “It is you, you bitch.”
“You charmer you. I bet you say that to all the girls. Oh and I bet your son’s cellmate says it to him too.”
“Jane?” Maura queried, looking for an explanation.
“I arrested his boy a couple of years ago. He’s obnoxious as hell, just like dear ol’ Dad there.” She yelled over toward the owner. “The acorn didn’t fall far from the tree did it, Dolph?”
“Get your ass out of my store. You aren’t welcome here.” He turned and walked away.
“Jerk.” She grabbed Maura’s arm and led her over to some bins. “You are gonna love this stuff. It’s healthy but sweet. Lots of oats and…”
“Jane, honey, why do you even come here if you know he’s going to be like that?” Maura asked, seriously.
“He may be coarse and he may hate my guts but rude Dolph D. Reade knows grain, dear.”
CHARACTER CREDITS
Law & Order (all): NBC-Universal/Wolf Productions, NBC, created by Dick Wolf
Women's Murder Club: 20th Century Fox Television, ABC, created by Elizabeth Craft, Sarah Fain and James Patterson
Grey’s Anatomy: ShondaLand Productions, ABC, created by Shonda Rhimes
Popular: Murphy/Matthews Production, The WB, created by Ryan Murphy and Gina Matthews
CSI: Jerry Bruckheimer Television, CBS, created by Anthony Zuiker
Devil Wears Prada: Wendy Finerman/Karen Rosenfelt, 20th Century Fox, created by Lauren Weisberger
Birds of Prey: Tollin/Robbins Production, The WB, created by Laeta Kalogridis AND DC Comics
Nikki and Nora: UPN Network (Pilot), created by Nancylee Myatt
Guiding Light: P&G/Telenext Media, CBS, created by Irna Phillips
Rizzoli and Isles: Ostar Production, TNT, created by Tess Gerritsen and Janet Tamaro
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