Author's Comments:
Aug 08 2000
"I can't remember my deal at the time, but I think I was annoyed at not getting picked on. Who'd have thunk."
EXTERIOR: HOUSE ON CLAYBECK AVE. A 1940s PICK UP TRUCK PULLS UP AND PARKS. AN ARCHEOLOGIST AND WARRIOR GET OUT OF THE TRUCK AND HEAD FOR THE FRONT DOOR. A RED HEAD IS TRIMMING SHRUBBERIES IN THE FRONT YARD.
XENA: Hi Mrs. Bat.
JANICE: Bat home?
MS. BAT: Hi Guys. Yeah, she's inside. If you're here, it must mean she's in the study working. You two staying for dinner?
XENA: Ah, maybe. We heard she was acting... Strangely.
JANICE: Even for her.
MS. BAT: <shrugs> She gets that way from time to time. Would you mind taking the mail in? <Hands Xena a bundle of mail> Bat's drugs arrived from the pharmacy and she needs them.
XENA: Sure.
WARRIOR AND ARCHEOLOGIST HEAD INDOORS, STOPPING AT THE FRONT DOOR WITH PUZZLED EXPRESSIONS AT THE ABSENCE OF AN EXUBERANT DOG.
JANICE: Where's Argo?
XENA: You mean Idgie.
JANICE: Yeah, Idgie. This is weird, lets go back to the Mall and get Mel and Gabrielle.
XENA: No, they said this was important. Come on.
THEY MAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM AND KITCHEN, FINALLY INTO THE HALL WAY, JANICE GAZES UP AND NOTES A MIRROR ON THE CEILING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALL WAY.
JANICE: <indicating mirror> I thought those were supposed to go in the bedroom.
XENA: <shrugs> The house is a rental. Apparently someone was confused. Bat said it was helpful though, for your big sex scene with Mel from ITADOTD...
JANICE: She didn't!
XENA: Of course not! But it did give her the idea.
THE DUO MAKES THEIR WAY TO THE BACK OF THE HOUSE. THEY ARE FACED WITH FOUR DOORS. TWO GO TO TWO VERY DIFFERENT BEDROOMS, ONE TO THE BATHROOM AND ONE TO THE STUDY.
XENA: I don't see why they each need a bedroom, they always sleep together.
JANICE: Because all the stuff on the walls in a seismically active region makes Ms. Bat nervous and no stuff on the walls in any region makes Bat nervous. I think it's called compromise.
XENA: I think it's because they both hate doing laundry.
BOTH WOMEN PEER INTO MS. BAT'S STARK EMPTY MINIMALIST BEDROOM. IT IS DESERTED. THEN THEY PEER INTO BATS...CHAOTIC BEDROOM- THERE ISN'T A 12 INCH SQUARE AREA OF WALL THAT ISN'T COVERED BY SOMETHING. PICTURES FRAMED IN GLASS, KNIVES, SWORDS AND A BAT'THEL DOMINATE THE ROOM. IT IS AN EARTHQUAKE DEATH TRAP. BAT IS SITTING UP IN BED, ASLEEP, SHEETS OF PAPER IN HER LAP. IDGIE IS ALSO ON THE BED, CURLED UP NEXT TO BAT, LOOKING WORRIED. XENA PEERS AT THE PAPERS.
JANICE: Do we wake her up?
XENA: Nah, lets figure out what's going on first. It looks like she's redoing the dream sequences thus far for TSFA. I *told* her not to make too big a deal of that whole Ulysses thing...
JANICE: I'll check the computer. See what she was working on.
THE WOMEN EXIT THE BEDROOM AND MOVE INTO THE STUDY. AS ALWAYS, XENA TAKES A MOMENT TO FROWN AT THE JADZIA DAX STANDUP NEXT TO THE DESK. JANICE SITS DOWN AT THE COMPUTER...
XENA: Find anything?
JANICE: <examining the files> I'll start with the secret mailing list stuff- that's usually good.
XENA: Shhhh- not so loud-
JANICE: Xena, Ms. Bat *knows* about it and Idgie can't type. Besides it isn't like they're *men* or anything... Here we go. Well Bat's had a busy week. It started out with Thistle Gate. She had to write something called a Bard's Quill. <Janice pauses to read it> I see why she's bummed, she has this nack for sounding like a goof-ball. Oh, here's more flack from The Binds That Tie...
XENA: I kinda dug it.
JANICE: You would.
XENA: Hey, don't think I didn't see you buy those restraints at the Renaissance Faire-
JANICE: As I was saying- Oh, here's some posts about sex. Oh, yeah and some people were really appalled about something...
XENA: Sex on the secret mailing list, who would have guessed. <Xena reads over Janice's shoulder> <Janice grins> <so does Xena> No duh- you can't have a character in your skits called *Ms. Bat* and think people are going to flirt with you.
JANICE: But until recently some people thought she was fictitious. <shrugs> If they flirt with her in person Mrs. Bat #1 kills them, if they flirt online Mrs. Bat #2 kills them. I don't know what she's expecting.
XENA: I'm going to wake her up, this is stupid. <Goes to kitchen and gets some water. She returns to Bat's bedroom and tries to open the childproof container of Cylert. Frustrated she breaks the bottle in half. Pills go flying. Wisely, Idgie gets off the bed and runs out of the room. With a growl she nudges Bat> Here, take this.
BAT: Ugh? <Taking the pill and water, then slowly beginning to wake up> Xena? What are you doing here?
XENA: <extracting a scroll from her ample cleavage><Bat gazes at her, not totally blown away- still jaded by the sight of Ms. Bat's cleavage in a bodice at the Renn Faire> Read this.
BAT: <Reading the scroll> Xena, go to Bat's right now and flirt with her- it's important. Love you to pieces, Gabrielle.
JANICE: <handing bat a note> I got one too.
BAT: <reading Janice's note> Janice, Go help Xena, your everlovin' Melinda. P.S. See if you can borrow some massage oil.
XENA: <arches eyebrow> I just gave you a bottle of ours.
JANICE: Well we've had to do something to keep busy while we're waiting for the rest of CHAPTER FOUR!!!!!
BAT: I'm working on it! Besides I left Sue Dayton on the plane to keep you company!
XENA: You wern't working you were sleeping.
BAT: I ran out of my drugs. You try functioning with Narcolepsy sometime. You fall asleep at the most inopportune times.
JANICE: Like when you're in bed making-
BAT: Like when you're on the freeway driving. As long as you two are here- go ahead.
XENA: Go ahead and what?
BAT: Flirt. <She looks at the two expectantly. Xena and Janice look at each other then back to Bat>
XENA & JANICE: We can't.
XENA: It's not that we don't like you. You're just not the sort of person I'd flirt with--
JANICE: Maybe ask for a ride from the airport...
XENA: Or invite to help with a move...
JANICE: Just not flirting-
XENA: Or propositioning-
JANICE: Or swooning-
XENA: Or-
BAT: I get the picture.
XENA: Let's just say it's because you aren't available.
BAT: Fine. <Bat peers critically at Xena's leather bodice> Say Xena, has the strap ever broken on that thing?
XENA: <looks down at her strap> No, why?
BAT: Just wondering.
XENA: <arches eyebrow> Is this about cousin Lucy?
JANICE: Do you have pictures?
BAT: Hey! That's tacky.
JANICE: Oh come on! You belong to a group that proudly calls itself Perverts and you're telling me taking a peek is tacky? This following the nipplage discussion in the People Magazine picture?
XENA: That's like masturbation!
BAT AND JANICE STARE WIDE EYED AT XENA.
XENA: I mean, everyone does it- no one talks about it. Unless you're a fan fiction author then you talk about *us* doing it all the time.
BAT: No, we write about you doing each other all the time. We only talk about you doing yourselves *some* of the time.
JANICE: <browsing through Bat's calendar> Speaking of fan fiction. I thought TSFA was going to be done by the 26th.
BAT: It ain't.
XENA: But you're still going on vacation? Need us to housesit?
BAT: <empahtically> No! I mean, Momma Bat is doing that.
XENA: So we could come over and check up on her? See how she's doing?
BAT: I don't really think you'll need to...
JANICE: <worried> But... I mean if there is a plane crash... the story...
BAT: <shrugs> Life is full of uncertainties. I do live in Southern California ya know. We've changed the state motto to "Welcome to the Armageddon State". Still, if you're worried- I could give you a synopsis.
XENA AND JANICE LEAN IN AS BAT WHISPERS TO THEM
XENA: Er, that's kinda sketchy.
JANICE: I mean how does... And why do... If it all...
BAT: You know I fill in the blanks as I go along. But now you know the gist of it.
XENA: <grins at Janice> I think it's kinda cute.
JANICE: Oh, please! I find it rather embarrassing-
XENA: <with a sensuous edge to her voice> Well, I'd keep you from being scared.
JANICE: <with a sultry gaze> I'd let you.
XENA: <throaty> So why don't we go cook dinner.
JANICE: Cook with your juices, you mean?
BAT: Excuse me, are you two *flirting* with each other? You two *unavailable* people?
XENA AND JANICE LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND GRIN.
XENA: Well er, no.
JANICE: Not as such. <Checks pocket watch> Will you look at the time. We've got to get Mel and Gabrielle from the mall.
XENA: They went to see Volcano.
JANICE: We'll pick up some take out and bring it back.
BOTH WOMEN BID A HASTY GOOD BYE TO MS. BAT AND HEAD FOR THE DOOR. HALFWAY TO JANICE TRUCK THE CONVERSATION CONTINUES.
JANICE: That was close.
XENA: Yeah, you don't want to piss her off right now, or you'll end up with more than a fear of caves.
JANICE: And a pissed off god, a flirtatious colleague and a drinking problem.
XENA: No, she fixed that last part.
JANICE: So where were we?
XENA: Flirting.
BOTH WOMEN CHUCKLE AS THEY DRIVE OFF TO THE MALL...