PLEASE NOTE: This script has been formatted for optimum viewing at a screen setting of 800x600.

 

IF INGMAR BERGMAN DIRECTED A XENA EPISODE

by Joanna

1998 Aug 08
jsandsmark@gmail.com

 

INT. COTTAGE - NIGHT

Xena and Gabrielle are in a stark room that contains only a crude wooden table, two chairs and a goblet of wine. Everything is in black and white. A single lantern lights the room, throwing meaningful shadows everywhere. Gabrielle's hair is in a tight bun, Xena's is braided intricately.

XENA Jag battlen armee. Deth vas al ober da plasen. Blud flowd lik a sausy Merlot.

SUBTITLE: I FOUGHT AN ARMY. DEATH WAS EVERYWHERE. BLOOD FLOWED LIKE WINE.

GABRIELLE Blud klings to du lethers. Jag vill skrubben dem, tho min hands vill taste da gore un neber be klean.

SUBTITLE: YOU'RE A BLOODY MESS. I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GOING TO WANT ME TO CLEAN ALL THAT, HUH? GREAT. I'LL NEVER GET THE CRUD OUT OF MY FINGERNAILS.

XENA Tak. Jag vill sleepen.

SUBTITLE: PEACHY. GONNA GRAB SOME WINKS.

Xena goes to one corner of the room and curls into a ball. Superimposed over her image is that of a baby, fetally curled, innocent yet covered in the blood of birth. For about ten minutes, Gabrielle stares at Xena sleeping. A voice-over of her thoughts plays after about five minutes of intense staring.

GABRIELLE (V.O.) Looken ot hur. Varrior un childe. Hur sol singen fur de innosens of dags past. Yet vi haf losten dem dags, nevr ta be fund agin.

SUBTITLE: SURE, SHE GETS TO TAKE A NAP, BUT NOT ME! I'M SUPPOSED TO FIND A WAY TO CLEAN THOSE DAMN LEATHERS. MY WORK IS NEVER DONE.

GABRIELLE (cont'd) Jag feer fur hur. Hur innr babe es vounded un krying. Dar es monga terrers in hur sol yet jag ar helples ta help. Teers fallen fram min eiys butt dey dri befor dey reachen hur flech.

SUBTITLE: HOW LONG IS SHE GONNA SLEEP, ANYWAY?

The door opens, flooding the room with an overbright light. In the doorway stands Deth. He has a game of Parcheesi in one hand and a sickle in the other. His face is hidden by a shadowed hood.

DETH Jag hav komen.

SUBTITLE: YOO HOO! ANYBODY HOME?

GABRIELLE Nej! Nej! Din bonee hand dus not belongin har! Go bak to da nicht!

SUBTITLE: I BOUGHT THE WATCHTOWER LAST WEEK. YOU JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES NEED TO COORDINATE YOUR ROUTES.

Angle on Gabrielle's face, superimposing it on the sleeping Xena so that they overlap. Xena's eyes open and we see them as one person yet divided. Xena rises and faces Deth, spilling the glass of wine. A dark stain spreads on the wood, as if it were a pool of blood.

XENA Vas do du vant?

SUBTITLE: WHO PASSED GAS?

DETH Du. Jag komen fur du, Xena.

SUBTITLE: SORRY. HAD BEANS FOR LUNCH.

GABRIELLE (screams) Nej!

SUBTITLE: I THINK I HAVE SOME PEPTO...

Gabrielle faints, hitting her head on the table, her hand landing in the spilled wine. Xena turns her over and Gabrielle lies as if on a cross, the dark wine marking her palm. A single tear falls from Xena's eye as she watches Deth gather the bard in his arms.

XENA Nej! Nej! Du komen fur min! Hur es innosens. Taken min.

SUBTITLE: DON'T WORRY ABOUT HER. SHE'S JUST CLUMSY.

Xena falls to her knees before Deth, trying to take Gabrielle from him, but his hold is strong.

DETH Jag go now.

SUBTITLE: MAN, IS SHE SKINNY! LIGHT AS A FEATHER.

As Deth leaves, carrying Gabrielle, Xena crawls toward the door, her face a mask of pain and suffering. She looks down at her blood-streaked leathers then back at the disappearing form of Deth.

XENA Blud! Blud! Jag vill drownen en blud. Gabrielle es nat komen baken.

SUBTITLE: YOU FORGOT YOUR PARCHEESI!

Xena crawls to the window, puts her hand through a pane of glass and grabs a sharp shard, plunging it into her heart.

XENA (cont'd) Komen bak, Deth -- komen fur min!

SUBTITLE: THIS HURTS MORE THAN YOU'D THINK.

Deth returns, lays the sleeping Gabrielle down and takes Xena's hand, leading her away.

DETH Du fellin fur it.

SUBTITLE: THAT WAS OVER THE TOP.

XENA Nej. Jag fellin fur lov.

SUBTITLE: LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M BUCKING FOR AN EMMY.

As they disappear, Gabrielle awakens. She picks up the empty wine glass, tips it over and lets the last dark drop fall on her tongue. Then she wails in grief as we:

FADE OUT.

THE END.