=============From the Desk of WordWarior=============
12 June 1997
To: Bat, The Ever Faithful Bardly Sidekick
From: Wordee, the Heroically Well Dressed
Re: Abs, cleavage, and heroism
Dearest Batsky,
First of all, let me say that I am wonderfully excited that you have volunteered to be my ever faithful bardly sidekick. I couldn't have chosen a better contender even if there had actually been anyone else to choose from.
Now, on to business.
Having just reread my Bardly Guide to Heroism, it is to my sorrow that I must announce you will be required to show both cleavage and a bare midriff. However, fear not about the pasty sickliness of your natural color. We will, per usual, be sponged with orange make-up every morning before going on our appointed rounds. This should hide any natural flaws and provide us with that sunkissed heroic je ne sais quoi. We do need to find volunteers willing to do the actual sponging, of course, but I think a want ad in the LA Times will do the trick.
As for cleavage, as we all know, Wonder Bras and stuffing are all the rage in this, the heroic age. In fact, I have been considering getting breast reduction surgery simply so I might then be able to stuff. I shall, of course, continue to wear my tight-fitting leather garments which leave nothing to the imagination (including that which most assuredly would be improved by imagination) until such time as the costume requirements are changed or enough people run screaming from the mere sight of me. Thank the gods that writing is such strenuous, physical work, eh old chum? Keeps us in peak condition, all that typing.
Knowing that we need to present a united front, I'm hoping to locate the updated version of the invaluable guidebook "How to be a Lesbian in 10 easy lessons (a primer for Str8 Grrls)." The book I have is so old, it has only two lessons and they both deal with decorating your personal closet. Hopefully, the new book won't make me take down my pinup of Betty Grable (told you -- it was a very old copy).
Always yours,
Wordee
=============From the Desk of The Bat=============
14 June 1997
To: Wordee, the Heroic
From: Bat, your ever faithful bardly sidekick
Re: Costumes, villains & arbitration manuals
Ref: Wordee Memo of 12 June 1997
Dearest Wordee,
It's certainly not my place to question the infallible judgment of a bardly superhero but do you think the L.A. Times was the best place for that orange make-up sponging position available want ad? The first applicants have arrived and I was too terrified to open the door to interview them.
My costume arrived as did my staff. Only something went wrong at Heroism Central and for a staff I received a butler, two maids, a gardener and a cook. Much to my supreme disappointment they didn't like the mandatory morning "bouncing to Van Halen" exercise routine on the trampoline and all of them quit after five minutes. So for weapons, I suppose I should stick with my sword and you can keep your fountain pen. After all- the pen is mightier than the sword. One final note about my costume... it is revealing, no doubt about that, but it is my understanding that sidekick costumes shrink over time and, well, my nipples will be showing by our second season. Pardon me for asking, but isn't that your job?
I've contacted your mother in Wisconsin and asked her to send me every bit of information as to what you were up to ten winters ago. I believe that once our adventures are well under way this information will be quite important.
Before I forget, I must apologize once again for freezing up in battle. How could I know that warlord was going to throw a grammar pop-quiz at me? Diagramming sentences? Who ever heard of such a thing? Thank you for ripping off his dangling participle. I was so steamed. While I'm at it I must take umbrage at the term *flying rodent* being used as an equivalent for *irritating blonde* must I point out again that bats are mammals, the only flying mammal to be precise (don't get me started on flying squirrels- they only glide). That does not mean that rodents aren't mammals as well, but just because rodents are mammals does not mean mammals (in this case the flying variety) are rodents. No one accuses whales and dolphins (which are also mammals) of being rodents. Furthermore the Big Brown Bat (which I think I most closely resemble) is Eptesicus fuscus -- notice rodentatia was not included in said name.
The interviewing process has begun for our arch nemesis. Thus far, for you, I think Critico has the best shot. Apparently she knew you in high school (in your dark days when you were WordWarior: Destroyer of Phrases) and invited you over for dinner. You said something witty (as you do oh so frequently) and killed her family. She really seems to have a *thing* about this so I think she'd be perfect. As for my arch nemesis (who thank the gods won't appear until our second season) Nebraska of the Trailer-Trash Clan seems promising. She brought a big bowl of ambrosia salad to the interview and kept picking marshmallows out of it and eating them.
Blue sent over the new Warrior/Sidekick guidelines fresh from arbitration. I also received my supplement: Red Shirts: Recognizing the Doomed Love Interest. Unfortunately, Mrs. Bat got a chance to read it before I did. She flew out of here like a bat out of.. er.. Tartarus. I noticed the following sections of the guideline highlighted.
Adventure Requirements (minimum per adventure):
Mrs. Bat crossed out all but item number 5.
Your faithful sidekick,
Batsky
=============From the Desk of WordWarior=============
14 June 1997
To: Batsky, My Ever Faithful Companion
From: Wordee, Queen of Cleavage
Re: Our First Foray as The Battling Bardic Duo
Ref: Phone Conversation of 13 June 1997
Memo of 14 June 1997
Dearest Batsky,
Allow me to alleviate some of your fears re: Memo of 14 June 1997 before I broach the subject of this missive.
First of all, take your fears, put them in an envelope and mail them to Aruba because I have got a real treat for you. I managed to heroically wrestle a square of carpet from my cat (who was treating it as some sort of scratching device) and it will be absolutely perfect for the new costume I've designed for you (pattern and swatch attached). Note the particularly sidekickian shade of green and the -- dare I say it? -- bilious quality of the material. The best part is that this scrap of flooring is of the indoor/outdoor variety and shrinks only in infinitesimal amounts each season. I have a conversion chart you can look at, but I've done the math and it appears no nipplage will be showing until season 9 -- by which time our contracts would have long expired, we will have pulled a star trip to get more money, attempted to make it in features, failed miserably and will be halfway home to appearing in hair care infomercials! Meanwhile, knowing that nipplage is an absolute requirement in any mainstream heroic fiction writing duo, I will indeed take care of the contractual twice a season peek.
A side note: the tiny country of Litiviski has asked me to sing their national anthem while dressed as "Cousin Ivan" (their national symbol) and although I have been practicing my vocalizations (the tune being a direct rip-off of Hickory Dickory Doc, it is both musically challenging and haunting in its beauty) I still haven't managed a graceful bow while wearing the costume of Cousin Ivan, the Lovable Flamingo, though I have learned how to bend my knees in the other direction -- a talent which has garnered me more than one indecent proposal, thank the gods. I don't recall if I ever told you how I acquired this ability. You see, ten winters ago, I was penning a novella when... I just realized something. This is a rather intense story and should really be saved for the second season. Forget I mentioned it.
Back to business. I spoke to my beloved grey-haired mother today and she mentioned your current predilection for stalking her. You must be doing an excellent job because I found her cowering under the bathroom sink when I arrived on a quick hop to Wisconsin (thank the gods that time and distance have no meaning in the Bardicverse). Keep up the excellent work!
:::Wordee gives Batsky a significant look and an unconscious touch::
Now, as per our phone conversation, you are well aware that I have been practicing saying your name in that 'special' way. Judging by your instantaneous swooning, I have to assume I have been somewhat successful. I shall endeavor to continue perfecting this, using a vocal quality that can only be described as a "low rumble" with much elongation of vowel sounds.
Now on to the subject of this memo: Our First Foray as The Battling Bardic Duo. Tomorrow, old chum, we shall present our heroic countenances to an unsuspecting public. I anticipate that the attention of the press will start slowly (while Kym gathers clippings and posts them in a monthly newsletter) but will gain momentum as the cult of our popularity grows. I suggest that at the conclusion of each adventure we be seen walking into the sunset together, discussing the lessons learned and trading favorite grammatical errors we've encountered during the preceding 44 minutes of frenetic activity, while each of us sips a Yoo Hoo. I find that a signature bit of business, like Yoo Hoo sipping, can help one in achieving cult status. If you would prefer a different beverage we can, of course, discuss this at length over a tall, cold, chocolately-good sip.
I have also decided that we need some subtext in our relationship. So I will present myself as openly lesbian, while subtly slipping in sly heterosexual comments, and giving smoldering looks to the occasional male guest star. For the mainstream audience, I'll make sure they know I "obviously like women" of course -- can't upset our sponsors -- but I think this str8text will add a dimension that the net will respond to in a big way. As we both know, the only real fans are online fans.
I see by the marks on the candle that it's time for me to close. I look forward to our adventure tomorrow and will expect to review your scrolls at the end of the day. Until then...
Heroically yours,
Wordee
=============From the Desk of The Bat=============
16 June 1997
To: Wordee, Queen of Uber Cleavage
From: Batsky, sidekick of ever faithfulness
Re: Battling Bardic Duo 1st Adventure
Ref: Memo of 14 June 1997
Adventure of 15 June 1997
Heroic Wordee,
I was most impressed by the lovely material for my new costume. What a stunning shade of sidekick green with that ever so necessary bilious quality. AND it's treated with Scotch Guard? What more can this sidekick hope for?! As for your costume I dare say we might want to tone down that cleavage just a tad. I don't think our ratings will soar with 44 minutes of silent, speechless, dumbstruck villains once a week. I suspect they'd be too distracted to even attempt holding me at knife point- and well, that is one of my contractual requirements- at least for the first season.
Your rendition of Litiviski's national anthem brought tears to my eyes. You'll make a stunning Cousin Ivan, the Lovable Flamingo. For my part, I'm still looking for a restaurant to endorse and I'm doing some in-depth research into my family background to find *someone* with an accent of some sort. MommaBat has offered to attend conventions in my place should we ever get that big, but I fear that she'd use the opportunity to get even with me for things I did when I was 3. So I'm looking for other familial sponsors.
:::Batsky smiles at the significant look and touches Wordee's arm, leaving her hand there for the rest of the episode::
I suppose our first adventure went well. I was grateful that other Renaissance Faire goers failed to recognize you from your dark and twisted background. I had feared we might be thrown out if they did. I think your decision to travel incognito was wise. My feet are killing me which must imply I did the correct amount of walking. I think I handled my obligation quite well by wandering into a shop where I didn't belong and buying something I really shouldn't have. Yes, I did hear about it in detail from the Mrs. when I got home.
I think Yoo Hoo's are the perfect Bardly beverage, I know running people through with your trusty fountain pen can really work up a thirst. I would like to say that the str8text went off without a hitch except I fear someone failed to read the manual. Why was I posing in the picture with geekboy? I mean he was nice enough, even had Red Shirt potential- but that's not my thing. I'm supposed to eat cherries and demonstrate an inability to balance scrolls on my head. It's your job to entertain the occasional bandanna. I think someone missed a meeting somewhere.
The marketing department just sent over the sketches of potential product lines. As can be expected I'm not represented in any of it save for a few pictures where I was cut out of the shot. I think your action figure shows promise as does the REAL BARDS PROOFREAD bumper sticker. In no time we'll get our online interviews where you can be witty and I can freeze at innocuous questions. How very lucky we are to be us. Until next time my heroic chum...
Faithfully yours,
Batsky
=============From the Desk of WordWarior=============
16 June 1997
To: Wonder Digits
From: Wordee, the Shelf
Re: Our First Heroic Adventure
Ref: Your memo of 16 June 1997
Our grand Adventure of 15 June 1997
Dearest Batsky,
The dashing outfit you wore yesterday was absolutely stunning. Time to change it. We are, after all, only in our first season and we simply must have you switching your costume several times to increase the amount of skin you show. Good news is that you can display this, your first costume, in a glass case in whatever restaurant you decide to endorse.
As for the Uber-cleavage dress I tried on yesterday, I have one small complaint. I admired your ability to make eye contact, don't get me wrong, but saying "let's have a snack" and then laying a nine course meal on my chest complete with centerpiece was going a tad far (though the pheasant was delicious, I have to admit).
I heard from my sweet grey-haired mother in Wisconsin. ET was there, filming my old room. Unfortunately, Mom has redecorated it since I moved out, so they made her cart boxes up from the basement all day and put it back to its former glory. According to Mom, they lingered quite some time on the plastic horse with the missing tail (dwelling on my brief stint at riding camp ten winters ago) offsetting that with the third place ribbon I took in the final horse show. Strangely, they never mentioned the times I received no ribbon (according to one of the judges, my butt was sticking out and therefore disqualified me from all thoughts of victory. Unfortunately, this was one of the defining moments of my troubled youth and it triggered my darkness. Upon hearing of this, I vowed to dedicate my life to splitting infinitives and writing sentence fragments. I announced this as I slowly slit the top of a package of Pop Rocks, knowing that the crazed look in my eyes would chill anyone watching, while the explosion of sugar in my mouth would help my butt to grow ever more impressive.)
As for yesterday's adventure, I did want to compliment you once again on your amazing Wonder Digits. I marveled at your skill even as I moaned in anticipation, watching you expertly maneuver the small hairs out of your way so that you could reach the delicious center. And although the rest of the artichoke was tasty, sharing the heart with you was a true highlight, especially since you managed to chuck all that nasty fuzzy stuff using only those wondrous fingers.
::Wordee puts a protective hand on Batsky's shoulder and pretends not to notice when Batsky pulls herself straighter by using Wordee's breast as a handhold, then just climbs up her body, standing on Wordee's breasts to get a better view of the spectacular Los Angeles scenery::
Got some wonderful news today! I have been asked to star in a Broadway musical during my hiatus. ET was instantly at my door wanting to film me playing jacks while dressed only in a feather boa. I'm going to have to study the score of "Ain't Misbehavin'" and stop using sunscreen.
I saw the prototype of the action figure today. The accessories are a tiny computer, a bottle of Yoo Hoo and wicked-looking pen. I hope there's no uproar over the fact that you can remove the dingy bathrobe to reveal a torn T-shirt and jogging shorts from Universal Studios. I sent back some notes to help them make it more realistic. Obviously, they need to add a lot more cleavage because for some reason it resembles the Marvel "Incredible Hulk" figurines of last year. They promised that with a little lipstick and some flesh tones, no one will be able to tell. It does make me look pretty buff, I have to say. Though I'm not sure I understand the copy on the box: "Wordee smash."
I have had several interviews with the press and I have tried to say something outrageous in each of them. I have made many veiled references to the str8text, hinting that I would make an album of the greatest hits of the Kiwanis Club, had chosen jock itch as one of my personal charities and that I'd walk over 40 miles of broken glass just to wank in the shadow of Rob Tapert. Hopefully, this will get the buzz started, though obviously I made sure not to alienate the lesbian majority.
Last but not least, I want to say again that you were magnificent yesterday. You stood by me when I succumbed to the darkness and had my tarot cards read. You were courage itself when the nerdy guy wanted his photo taken with you. And your cold silence toward the woman who blasphemed the name of heroic female television characters was truly chilling. I could not have a better sidekick even if I'd advertised in the LA Times classifieds.
-- Wordee
=============From the Desk of The Bat=============
16 June 1997
To: Wordee the Amazingly Endowed
From: Batsky, Order of the Wonder Digits
Re: Our First Heroic Adventure et. al.
Ref: Your memo of 16 June 1997
Dearest Wordee,
I've decided to endorse the restaurant chain BatCave Cafe -- once they build one. This will give me a place to display my first and most modest sidekick outfit. Now that I have stayed in the village of the Kinko's workers and been made a bonified copy princess, time for some new duds. I chose the keyboard as my first weapon since you're too dangerous with the pen and I kept whacking myself in the head with the track ball. Maybe someday I'll graduate to the Wacom digitizing pad but I'm happy with the keyboard for now.
ET has done their duty and paid a visit to moi. I guess they are going to whittle down the 5 hours they harassed me into a couple of short but sweet segments and splice them into their WordWarior-a-thon coverage. For one segment they had me go on a shopping spree at Office Depot or was it Staples? It's so hard to tell. Any way I bought printer paper, toner, zip drives and made a snide comment to Danielle Steele. I think "Bite Me" were my exact words. Then they sat me down and asked TONS of questions about you. Obviously they know I have NO life outside this gig so I was encouraged to prattle on and on about you. I told them how you and I are best *mates* and that we talk about *everything*. The interviewer was real insistent that we didn't discuss writing since we approach it in completely different ways. I had to disagree, and told him that we discuss writing quite a bit, actually, and that we go about our stories in a very similar fashion. He was really hunting for differences so I told him you had a better grasp of the English language, Valley being my primary dialect. I'm only learning English as a second language.
Congratulations on your hiatus plans! Personally I think I'll be dragging... oops I mean treating MommaBat to a cruise. I think we're going to investigate the wreckage of the Titanic. I've always wanted to go deep sea diving. The thought of traveling to a foreign country is also appealing... maybe Canada?
I'm still eagerly awaiting the formation of the Clan MacBat, but have no doubt at any moment legions of outraged fans will swarm to take up the cause of the lowly sidekick. I asked MommaBat if she'd be president of my fan club. She looked at me with such puzzlement that I remembered that I've told her nothing of my secret life as a fan fiction author and sidekick. I cleverly rephrased my question to "I was agreeing, like you said." and she happily dropped the subject.
Mrs. Bat returned from her visit with Blue in Arbitration. She grumbled but accepted that lesbian main text is a part of my job and that I have standards I simply must maintain. She did point out though that if it comes to artificial respiration and CPR, you'd better break at least 3 of my ribs in the process. Blue has done a wonderful job as arbitrator. I don't think she's killed one innocent person yet in her quest to become known as fair and just. Granted, people are dropping like flies everywhere she looks, but she hasn't killed them and I think that counts for something. I just sent Janice Covington her way- we'll see what kind of self Discipline she really has.
Until next time,
-- Batsky
=============From the Desk of WordWarior=============
17 June 1997
To: Digitally Enhanced Batchick
From: Linguistically Challenged Wordee
Re: Interviews, ET, Leno
Ref: Bat Memo of 16 June (though I got it on 17 June)
Dearest /I\^..^/|\ ___L___> (supposed to be bat+ski, but it doesn't work too good)
First of all, a note of warning on all interviews. Whenever asked to describe me, or our friendship or anything to do with us, be sure and fumble around a bit and then say "Wordee is... she's... well... she's Wordee!" in a bright and loving voice. It's eloquent in its descriptors and not too verbose (we have to make sure you don't take away from my screen time).
Meanwhile, ET is back again and this time they want me to go to a Southern California theme park and ham it up with the ET host, Bob something or other. I hear the La Brea Tar Pits are lovely this time of year and they've promised that after they're through filming me sinking into the tar, that they will provide towels (though I'm hoping Critico doesn't show up, throw herself in the pit and then beg me to save her after I've pulled myself out. The scene where I coldly watch her die would be on Dick Clark's bloopers in no time flat, I'm sure! Dick so loves a story where someone gets unnaturally preserved in a youthful state.)
Excellent news! I've been invited onto the Leno show!!! I'm so excited. We're going to film a skit and everything! I'm supposed to approach NBC on a riding lawn mower then write nasty things on Gilbert Godfried with my mighty pen. It should be very funny! Gosh, I hope nothing goes wrong, like I flub a line or something...
I've noticed that people on the net (and please, keep it between us that I've actually ventured onto that evil internet) are now corrupting words to make a new vocabulary built around you. They play Batmitten, come to Battention, do things with Battitude, etc. You have quite a loyal following, it seems. Wait til they see the episode where we suck tonsils for ten minutes and then I close my eyes and imagine you're Autolycus -- the str8text crowd will go crazy. Oh, and I know you love the Wordee-lite episodes, but I'm looking forward to the ep where I get to play three different characters: "Wordee... Warior... Writer".
Gosh, it's amazing how well everything is going. That fortune teller in Litiviski was so off-base, telling me I'd meet a man with a late night talk show on NBC and end up in pain. Ha! I don't know anyone who fits that description. Well, I'm off to film Leno! Wish me luck!
-- Wordee
=============From the Desk of The Bat=============
18 June 1997
To: Wordee of the fractured nails
From: Wonder Digits
Re: Leno et. al.
Ref: Wordee Memo of 17 June
Dearest Wordee
I hope this missive finds you recovering well. I hear Saint Joseph's has a wonderful intensive care ward. So says MommaBat who spent nine days there immediately after my birth (while I hung out in an incubator). I just can't imagine how so simple a skit on Leno could turn into such a huge fiasco. You fell off the lawnmower onto the asphalt then it ran over your hands breaking ALL of your fingernails? Your hands of all things?! There is SOOOOO much typing in our show -- I don't know how they're going to film around it. Still I'm sure with the amount of coverage this is getting on the news when you do recover and our show gets back on track we'll be bigger than ever.
Now that I'm going to be required to actually work *full* days (I don't know how you did it) they've brought on board our producer's third cousin twice removed to play Boxer the Clueless Box Boy. He sees himself as managing a market someday but doesn't have a prayer. I've had to work with him all week and he's driving me nuts. And to make matters worse he's going to be in EVERY episode until you get better and can get back at your keyboard. He doesn't even have to wear the orange make up. I think they're using his pasty pallor to garner sympathy.
I've seen the blooper reel. It's wondrous. The show tunes while wearing fangs was priceless -- thank you so much for shoving me out of the frame, I really can't sing. I thought the scene of you trapped in the cave with the mice was great -- I didn't realize how ticklish computer keyboard mice could be. And you gotta admit, me going after that bad guy with a squirt gun was fun.
Yes, I must say I adore the Clan MacBat. They sometimes seem like the only people who notice that you're doing ALL the interviews, getting ALL the press (not to mention merchandise) and while I gush about you CONSTANTLY- you only talk about me when prompted. I understand though, you're single and living the wild life while I'm married and raising a dog (cat, tropical fish and turtle). While you recover be careful on that Internet. Before you know it you're going to be chased out of a chat room by a rabid Wordite who will then immortalize the experience in CLICK the online publication for IAWS (International Association of Wordee Studies).
I've gotten a peek at next season's scripts and frankly I'm worried (not to be confused with wordeed- which is you). They weren't kidding about making my character deal with harsh realities and darkness. Sending me to High School Remedial English!!! I'm worried they're trying to cash in on that other cool High School Show: Mitzie the Zombie Killer. I've seen a few episodes and it's a great show what with Mitzie, her chum Wisteria and their friend Waldo. It's also nice to see Nellie from Little House On The Prairie getting more work as a villain. I suppose if they can believe a 30 year old in High School we can too.
One nice thing about your accident though, they're putting the darkness thing aside for now and instead are going to concentrate on bringing us closer -- what with you not on the set and all. They've also built a hang glider so I think we're going to be doing flying of some sort in the next few episodes to pay for it.
I wish you a speedy recovery- things just aren't the same around here without you.
Your sidekick with Battitude,
Batsky
=============Saint Joseph's: Good For What Ails Ya=============
To: My Faithful Sidekick who has yet to visit me in this hole
From: Wordee feel bad. kiss it and make it better?
Re: my owies
Ref: Your memo of 18 June 1997
Dearest Batsky,
I'm dictating this to one of the several people who follow me around to do things like tie my shoes, etc. Had to use hospital stationery because mine is at home. I am completely unable to type at this point. My ravaged fingers are throbbing and I've been ordered not to touch anything for several weeks, until the nails grow back. They broke off *really* low, so you can imagine the intense pain I'm in. Luckily, I'm on all sorts of really fun pills and have met God and played bridge with the Heavenly Host. It was neato.
I've agreed to go back on the Leno show when I've recovered a bit more and have decided to play cat's cradle with two beefy guys, just to let the viewing audience know that I'm a trooper. Our producers will want to kill me, no doubt, for risking my hands that way, but I think it's important to show the world that I'm tough as, er, nails and haven't lost my bardly wit just because of a physical setback.
Thank you for sending out my last memo for me while I was in intensive nailcare. The manicurist assures me that with proper physical therapy, several products from Revlon and lots of Jell-O, that I'll be good as new eventually. In fact, she told me my nails can be better than ever because I have a chance to grow them all the same length now. I've decided that a lot of positive things can come out of this experience and that's the attitude I'm going to take (especially with the press. I won't, however, tell what those positive things are, because that kinda thing drives the Wordites crazy).
Batsky, I don't want to cause a rift between us or anything, but *lay off Boxer!* If you don't like him, the fans will hate him because they'll think you don't like him. Everyone knows that the fans take all their life cues from us, and that is a huge responsibility. I know I used to say "Furk off!" when people asked me about being a role model, but I had misunderstood and thought they'd said I resembled "road kill." It's an easy mistake to make with my accent. But now it's time to face facts: you and I *are* role models, and we must take that seriously. Besides, Boxer told me he can hook me up with some Lee Press-on nails and I don't want to blow that connection.
Well, it happened just like you said it would. I was bored and went into one of those internet chat room things. I started saying that Wordee and Batsky don't write nearly as well as Dickens or Hemingway or Dostoevsky and immediately, I was flamed and kicked offline. Of course, I was on AOL at the time, so I imagine it was simply the normal message telling me I'd been on for more than 46 minutes which I always ignore -- but you never know, it could have been one of those rabid Wordites, so I've decided to be sure to mention it in my next public appearance, hoping to cause humiliation and several CLICK articles.
Well, it's time for my medication (I'm feeling entirely too lucid, must go back to happyland). Looking forward to hearing about how life can exist without me on the set (you better not be bucking for your own series, hear me???).
I miss you so much, Batsky. It's almost as if you're actually a friend of mine as opposed to us just playing friends on TV.
-- Wordee (ow)
=============From The Desk of Das Baat=============
23 June 1997
To: Wordee The Heroic
From: Sidekick who is now feeling much better
Re: my visit
Ref: Your memo of 18 June 1997
My heroic Wordee,
I'm sorry it took me so long to visit you in that hell hole... er hospital. I can't thank you enough for the use of your IV while I was there. I needed those meds like you wouldn't believe. And since you were unconscious at the time I didn't think you'd mind. They've done a beautiful job with your nails. You'll be back at the keyboard in no time -- see if you don't.
I finally got my chance at a talk show. It was Paul Bunion or some such looser. I flipped around a couple of pencils and told the dude he was useless. After that I headed to AOHell central for my online chat. What a nightmare! I've got three producers, two editors a typist and my temporary assistant who was busy fixing me a Mocha Cappuccino Blast (I've discovered they are even better than Yoo Hoos). Anyway the chat gets under way and I'm asked the most bizarre questions. Did this happen to you? Would they talk about subtext? No. Sex? No. My personal life? Not a chance. Nope -- these fools... er... fans wanted to know what kind of printer paper I use. Like I know!!! Someone asked me what I read, not wanting to sound like the commoner that I am I mentioned oh so casually that I'm reading the Thesaurus front to back in my spare time. I think MommaBat might have been trying to trip me up with that one. Then someone (Barbara Walters I think) asked if I were an input device, what type of input device would I be? Well there's a loaded question. I was thinking about my answer when the interviewer moved on and now I'm reading online that I've got input device issues. I think I'll have MommaBat do an interview with CLICK when all this settles down and have her explain that I adore a VARIETY of input devices.
As for your Boxer advice. Okay, it's all well and good for you to take the *lay off Boxer* high road. YOU don't have to shoot every other scene with him. Do you know he's adopted Paul Simon's "The Boxer" as his theme song? If I hear one more refrain of Li li li, li li li li li, li li li... I'm going to hurt someone. And you're wrong about one tiny thing. The Wordites take their life cues from YOU not MOI. As long as I'm not seen in public with a man I figure I'm okay. That role model stuff is all your thing dearie. Remember I'm the one who gushes at simply being able to work with you. :)
So, think we'll get our own attraction at Disneyland? I hear Warrior/Sidekick based attractions are all the rage at theme parks these days. Anyway it's something to think about while you recover. I do hope you're back in fighting form for this weekend. The Bat-B-Q simply wouldn't be the same without you. I've also arranged for a couple of guys to drop by. Maybe you could dance with them or something -- just to fire up the str8 text folks.
Take care, and get well soon. The Bardicverse just isn't the same without you.
Bat-tle On!
Batsky the faithful
=============From The Desk of WordWarior=============
25 June 1997
To: The Bard With Battitude
From: The Recovering Hero
Re: Apres-injury schedule
Ref: Your memo of 23 June 1997
My dearest Batsky,
There is a light at the end of the tunnel re: my injuries. I'm now up to about 67% and my progress is amazing. I can actually feel my nails healing. Sure, I have twinges when it rains or I have to open a Coke or something, but all in all, I'm doing great. Hey! Now it's 69%.
Sorry to hear about the AOL fiasco. I know how tough those interviews can be. I made sure I was drunk during mine. And of course, I didn't have to type because I was still recovering. But to have asked you about input devices! Why they made sure to ask me only the most innocuous things -- like my personal hopes and dreams, a listing of every embarrassing moment in my life, the str8text, spoilers for upcoming storylines, what personal hygiene products I use, etc. Nothing so potentially explosive as input device questions! Geez, I hope MommaBat can talk your way out of this one.
Just made it to 72%.
And you're right about Boxer. Though everything he does cracks me up, I can understand that you miss me terribly and resent him because he is not me. That has to be a most difficult thing to deal with. Luckily I'm at about 76% now, so I should be back in no time.
I assume by now you've heard that we're going to be doing an animated feature! I'm very excited because they want me to imitate a trumpet on the soundtrack. My vocalizations as a brass instrument really caught on with the Wordites when I wrote and performed that jazz riff on the episode where I fell in love with a passing woman and then she died. And then I got to do it again when I fell in love with the sandwich lady and she died. And again when you fell in love with your old friend from high school and she was killed by Critico for mixing up her tenses. Well, I have a real following now for my ability to fake a trumpet and because of this, got a solo in the cartoon! They filmed me as I was in the booth, getting a nice close-up of my fingers pushing the air keys. Just wish my cheeks didn't puff out like Dizzy Gillespe when I do it. Oh well, they're Wordites -- they'll think I look cute anyway.
Up to 83%
Oh, and you were misinformed about the attraction at Disneyland. It seems they have some little cartoon about Hercules and people got it mixed up with our spinoff -- Hemingway, The Legendary Journals. They both start with a "He". Our multi-million dollar attraction is being built at the La Brea Tar Pits, of course. There's going to be real tar and everything! I'm so excited. I'll be going to the opening, but naturally, you won't. Keylime Sorbet, the Hemingway guy, is showing up. (though I hear that Resistance Pictures is upset that it might be a little too suggestive in the str8text dept. Still, Keylime's series isn't doing too well. No one wants to see a man write, it seems. It's too much of a stretch in the old suspension of disbelief for most people).
88% and still climbing.
I did as you suggested and went to a party where I purposefully danced with a bunch of guys, to feed the str8text frenzy. I let them take my picture and even gave them some hugs. It was wicked fun.
89%.
Did you see me on Regis and Kathie Lee? I did my best to kick Kathie Lee in the face but she only sustained minor injuries because I forgot to wear the steel-toed pumps you gave me. I made it up to her when I fake trumpeted "Tiajuana Taxi" and suggestively choked her during an interlude. Regis was busy making faces -- I think he was jealous and is falling for the str8text. Unfortunately, they had a little trouble keeping me separate from my work as they both kept referring to me as "Truth or Dare" instead of Wordee. So annoying. I'm more than a story, I'm a real person! Just see if I go on that cheeseball show again. I like Rosie better. At least I got a Broadway show out of her.
Made it to 90%! I can now do the scratch and sniff thingees in the magazines without having to call one of my flunkies! Mmmm... smelly...
I'll be back on the set tomorrow, my adored sidekick! I cannot wait to see you again! We'll be trading spit in no time flat as I sneak meaningful glances at Boxer.
Yours always,
Wordee
=============From The Desk of The Bat=============
26 June 1997
To: Wordee the Recovered
From: Batsky the Faithful
Re: Welcome Back
Ref: Your memo of 25 June 1997
Wordee Dearie,
It was so good to see you back at the 'ol grind. I don't know why they insisted on the Jello-fight for the first scene, but I'm glad you handled it like such a trooper. I know it'll be some time before you're actually able to file your nails, realizing the emotional trauma will linger long after your wonder digits are fully healed. Still, it's a psychological wall I'm sure you'll be able to climb.
I think I'm going to have to shoot MommaBat. For some unknown reason she felt possessed to tell all charter members of the Clan MacBat that I would write each of them their own personal story. Okay -- GabTBard's birthday tale was one thing but this is ridiculous. How the heck am I going to finish TSFA if I've got to write 236 personal tales? I knew letting her be in charge of the BatWeb organization was a bad idea. Even if it does keep her off the streets! Whatever you do- don't sanction your own web page. Let the Wordites work their little fingers to the bone but don't have your mother do one herself. I popped over there and saw my BABY pictures for crying out loud! You know, the kind where you're 2 and sitting on the potty. Geeze. There was one of me with my first pen, and that was kinda cute but by and large it's humiliating. Not to worry about me being anything but a sidekick. My high school mug shots will keep me humble forever.
I've seen the sketches of us for the animated feature. Very... ah... stylistic. I make a nice stick figure, I suppose. I've also read the script and having me die in the first 10 minutes does cut down on the amount of dialogue I'll have to memorize. It's almost like that episode where I became a vampire bat. All my lines were cut because being taken seriously while talking with fangs is impossible. Just ask Echidna from Keylime Sorbet's show.
Have a nice time with Mr. Sorbet at the Tar Pit show. Did you know I did a job with him ages ago before I met you and found my true calling? It was Hemingway & The Lost Verb Tense. I basically was who I am now, but younger -- and less convincing since he was in all my scenes. The guy writes like, I dunno -- Dilbert. He's a little obsessed with his hair for my taste -- after all, in our line of work no one sees us.
Saw you on Regis and Kathie Lee. Nice job. Too bad you didn't wear the steel-toed pumps. And to think I bought you those with the ET film crew hanging around and everything... Oh well, at least I know you're using the purple pasta strap teddy I gave you for valentines day.
Doesn't it suck when people can't remember who you are?! I've been called ITADOTD so much I'm beginning to wonder if it *is* my name. At least they're not calling you The Child -- so you've got something to be happy about.
Well my heroic friend, welcome home. As you requested I've cleared off desk space for your new $500 Mont Blanc pen. I think the tabloids got some pictures of it though and I know the 'net is discussing the ramifications of your buying such a pricey writing implement. Still, I say you've earned it and if it makes you happy, I'm happy.
See you on the set,
/|\^..^/|\-sky
=============From The Desk of WordWarior=============
30 June 1997
To: The Hostess Batcake
From: Wordee the Vacuous
Re: The Bat-B-Q and several other items of interest
Ref: Your memo of 26 June 1997
Bat-B-Q of 28 June 1997
Heroic Adventure of 29 June 1997
My dearest Batsky,
Let me open by congratulating you on the fine fest held in your cave this past weekend. The Clan MacBat and the Wordites appeared to enjoy it to no end. You were especially brave during the cave-in wherein you were trapped inside your home, unable to escape, your screams for help ringing through the suburban neighborhood. I worked tirelessly to free you until I got bored and grabbed a burger. Finally, after what felt like eons, you managed to remember there was an opening at the back of the cave and simply stepped into the sunlight. Ah, bliss to have my Batsky back and safe again after I'd realized you were gone.
In reference to your memo -- yes, I did know you were in Hemingway and the Lost Verb Tense with Keylime Sorbet. In fact, I sent you a copy of Hemingway and the Amazing Librarians in which I had a minor role. I was the "enforcer" librarian who said "shhh" all the time. At the end of the film, I even got to sort books with Dewey of the famed Dewey Decimal System! He was played by Anthony Zorba, who, though ancient, used to be a star!
Meanwhile, I popped on the internet again and man, am I ever getting the business for buying that $500 Mont Blanc pen! All they talk about is how I could've used that money for more important things like coach airfare to their hometown so they could meet me in person. I can't be everything to everyone! I have to live my own life! And it's been my dream to own a Mont Blanc pen (though some ink splattered the other day and I thought I'd have a heart attack! Luckily, it was washable black -- phew!) I wrote to my dear sweet grey-haired mother to complain about it and all she said was "what kind of fancy pen did you write this note with, huh? Mama needs a new pair of rollerblades -- ever think of that?" So I wrote her a check and she complained that the ink on the check was too expensive to make cashing it worthwhile.
On to happier thoughts: I feel our second heroic adventure went fabulously. Sure, I sensed your trepidation when we entered the Media City Mall in Burbank, but you have the kind of plucky guts other sidekicks can only envy. The warlord who was chasing us was certainly caught short when we ran up to the merry-go-round to hop on Lardo the Wonderhorse. Even as we circled slowly to tinny music, your walking in place beside me was an adventurer's thrill. Then suddenly, there he was -- the ticket taker. And us with no dinars! You reacted bravely when I said, in that special voice, "hop on, Baaaat Moooooorda" and up you went, right behind me, hanging onto my cinched waist for dear life. Up and down, up and down, Lardo flew, but eventually the ticket taker tricked us by walking toward us. Thank the gods I found some spare dinars hidden in my cleavage (Yesterday I found a tuna sandwich. Wonder what else is in there?).
And last but not least -- July 4th, I'm in the Macy's parade! I'll be one of the people holding the string on the bullwinkle balloon. The publicity on this is already in full swing. There's going to be antler to antler coverage of me as well as string-cams and commercial broadcasts of the apre-parade foot massage I'll be getting. I'm really looking forward to it!
Be well, my Bardic Batbuddy. And next time you emerge from your cave wearing a tuxedo, remember: that's *my* job. You're the one who wears the hat.
Love,
Wordee
=============From The Desk of The Bat=============
3 July 1997
To: The Heroic Bard With The 'Bitchin Pen
From: The Sidekick With Echolocation
Re: Upcoming Episodes
Ref: Your memo of 30 June 1997
My dearest Wordee,
I feel that I've finally recovered from the Bat-B-Q. I am ready once again to take up my regular duties as sidekick. As long as we're talking about previous roles, I was an enthusiastic younger sister in "Charge: The Story of A Compulsive Shopper." I was the sister who had the good credit rating. It starred Sheryl Crow... no... Cheryl Ladd?... Cher?... I can't remember, her name escapes me at the moment. I also did "Darkroom: 2" which indirectly led to me becoming your sidekick. There was also the episode of "Rocky Road" where I was an attendant at Ben & Jerry's. It was a stretch -- I didn't play young and enthusiastic, but young, enthusiastic AND making minimum wage!
I suppose because of that role MommaBat decided to have me host an ice cream party. I guess she decided that since I'd still not recovered from the Bat-B-Q (and since the migraine medication still hadn't worn off) that the timing was perfect. So I spent the afternoon hanging out with 75 grammar school kids who wanted to ask questions about you and Boxer. MommaBat naturally wouldn't let me *eat* any of the ice cream. She's been on my case of late about my fat bat butt. Little does she realize that this poundage of hard packed cellulite is honed by hours on end of sitting at the keyboard writing fan fiction.
I've had a nice little chat with our writers about an upcoming episode. We're going to get to experience past-life regression therapy and be our alternate selves. Thoughts are underway of putting us on the Titanic (with me as the captain and you as the steward from steerage) or possibly as Bards Of The Round Table. That way I figured we could arrange for guest spots for our friends (or the highest bidders).
Yes, that was certainly an adventure on Lardo the Wonderhorse. I've always had this *thing* about merry-go-round horses since my favorite one, Tuba, was removed from the merry-go-round back home. Isn't that the way of it though, you get attached to something wooden, and the next thing you know they're toothpicks. I wonder if Keylime Sorbet worries about the same fate? By the way I'm missing a ream of paper and a toner cartridge -- would you mind checking your cleavage? I can't imagine where they've gone...
Have a good time and enjoy your antler to antler coverage in Macy's parade. Sigh, as usual I'll be home -- not doing anything important -- just hanging out at home. I have found some new activities to occupy my weekends though. I thought some strenuous sports activities would help my sidekick image so I've taken up Boggle, Scrabble AND Scatagories. I'm really building up my word usage muscles now.
Again I'm sorry about commandeering your tuxedo jacket. I know it's your job but my hat and whip were at the cleaners and I kinda got carried away. Won't happen again.
-- Batsky
=============From the Desk of WordWarior=============
13 July 1997
To: The Bard with Battitude
From: The Bard with no cool slogan
Re: Recent publicity tour
Ref: Your Memo of 3 July
Dearest Batsky,
Wow! What a whirlwind of activity it's been for me lately! You are so lucky that when you get a week off, you get to lie around being nagged by MommaBat and waiting tables at the BatCave Cafe.
The Macy's fireworks fest went okay. I couldn't go to New York so they filmed me here in Los Angeles holding a string to simulate me walking the Bullwinkle balloon. The problem, of course, being that there was no parade and no giant Bullwinkle balloon, just a bunch of fireworks, so I looked like a dork walking a firecracker. Boxer told me I reminded him of himself. I had to agree. Man, what I won't do for airtime, eh?
The next was a trip to Las Vegas where I had to talk about the new cartoon feature "Hemingway and Wordee: The Battle for the Mont Blanc". Keylime Sorbet and I were up at the crack of dawn for a press conference and then we went to a UTV thing which was a real fiasco. Keylime spent the whole time talking about his hair and the park bench his home town had dedicated to him. I mostly sat there and laughed politely as some woman under the table tickled me at appropriate moments, since I have no sense of humor when it comes to Keylime. Everyone kept getting booted from the online thing so eventually they just asked us questions that everyone knew the answers to (like "do you use a spellcheck?" and "what's a six letter word for bard starting with 'Wr' and ending with 'ter'?").
Next it was off to schmooze with the video reps from across the country in an attempt to make them order extra copies of the animated video. I did a lot of smiling, hugging people, acting charming and wore low-cut clothes. Happily, I made everyone I smiled at, hugged, charmed, etc. give me free videos so we have a lot to do in the dressing room between chapters.
From there I flew to Florida to open the new La Brea Tarpits-Florida "Hemingway and Wordee" attraction. It's a pretty cool ride, really. The audience gets to participate by supplying adjectives and proofreading, then marking things with a red pen. Really takes the magic away from bardcraft, I know, but I guess getting a peek behind the story is a thrill for some folks. In the entryway, there's all sorts of memorabilia. They have your carpet outfit displayed so I guess you're going to have to get something else to wear. Sorry that no one told you about that.
Anyway, it was a *long* day for Keylime and I. First we had to rehearse our entrance as we were driven in separate bookmobiles. Then we had to cut the typewriter ribbon which unveiled a giant fountain pen in front of the attraction, using only sharp words and cutting remarks. I tried to talk to some of the fans, but it was a mob scene with the press. ET followed me around again, of course. My sweet grey-haired mother is convinced I'm having an affair with the ET hostess (I haven't had the heart to tell Mom I'm str8 -- she'd be so upset because she despises grandchildren). Then we saw the attraction. Since Keylime didn't have any fans there, he shipped in his family to make the crowd around him seem more impressive. I had one interview after another, including one with a leprechaun who I ended up throwing in the tar pit. He'd asked me what my favorite color was and as he sunk out of sight, I said "ask my sidekick." I thought it was waaaay too close to being an input device question (since it contained the word "favorite") Luckily, I got his pot of gold.
Word has it the new fanclub kits are going well. They're late, but due out soon. They've had some trouble getting the outtakes approved -- you know, all those pages we wrote that we had to junk because the scene wasn't going anywhere, or we worded something wrong or forgot to run the spellcheck. The fans will love it, I'm sure. ("Look! Wordee split an infinitive! Gods, I laughed til I peed when I read that!") There are also action photos of our hands, typing; a neato certificate and a welcome message that I taped. All I had to say was "welcome." But I made sure to say it in that special way.
So, Batsky, what did you do during your week off?
-- Wordee
=============From the Desk of The Bat=============
14 July 1997
To: Wordee The Sloganless
From: Batsky The Sidekick With Uber-Slogans
Re: Recent publicity tour
Ref: Your memo of 13 July
Dearest Wordee,
Oh yes, I am enjoying my week waiting tables and being nagged ever so much. Thanks for asking. When I'm not taking orders at the BatCave Cafe I'm racking up the frequent flyer miles. It seems that not only did MommaBat promise every charter member of the Clan MacBat a personalized story -- she also told them I'd come over wash their car and sit down and watch old Mickey Mouse club reruns with them. Got my start on a Mickey Mouse spelling bee. Yes, I lost, thanks for asking.
I'm glad you didn't catch on fire at the Macy's event. But since you were safely tucked away on a soundstage I guess there was little chance of that. I spent my 4th of July doing volunteer work for the Red Cross.
I saw the UTV thing for the animated feature. So does Keylime ever talk about anything other than his hair and that blasted park bench? Oh and those questions -- how nice for you. I see no one was asking you about your input device preference. Why do I get all the luck? Glad you picked up free videos, lord knows I'm tired of painting your toe nails between chapters. I finally got to meet Keylime Sorbet's sidekick on the Hemingway show. Bicycle Hurtme. Poor guy, he's got worse press than me. You never see him ANYWHERE. He's not even in all of Hemingway's stories.
Glad the Tar Pits attraction went well. Yes I was a little surprised after getting out of the shower only to find my chunk of bilious green carpet gone. I'm wearing hefty bags until I get a new chunk o' carpet. I saw ET at the event. You were mobbed. I noticed some of those secret Wordites there too -- the ones with the special *bookmark* necklaces. Poor Keylime, the fact that his family was more interested in you than him must have been hard to take (I am going on the big assumption that he noticed, though). First his ratings, then the fans, now his family. What he needs is Boxer in every other episode to perk things right up.
I've heard that the fanclub kits are almost ready. I wondered about the theory that making it intentionally six months late makes the fans happy- but no one asks my opinion on such matters. My big news is that I've finally got my own t-shirt (yes I know you have 7, don't gloat). The other news is that they've promised never to have it in stock just to keep those fans happy.
What else did I do on my week off, you ask? Well I had three books overdue from the library. Yes, I returned them and paid the fine.
Your Faithful Sidekick,
Batsky
=============From the Desk of WordWarior=============
25 July 1997
To: That Janice and Mel bard, Batsky
From: Wordee, the really busy
Re: Scheduling, fan clubs, etc.
Ref: Your memo of 14 July 1997
Dearest Batsky,
I know it's been far too long since I've written last. Things are almost out of control here in Wordeeville. So much going on, I hardly know where to begin.
The State of California has offered me honorary citizenship -- which surprised me because I'm already a resident of this state. But the governor insisted on giving me a plaque. Actually, my dentist informed me he gave me a lot of plaque. I need to brush more often after formal honorary citizenship banquets, it seems.
My fan club, after having made fun of California calling it "a long state" and "somewhere out west" (two insults we locals will not abide) was disbanded and now Tarnation Entertainment has taken over the club. They promised to have the new fan kits out within this decade. It seems they got their company name from people saying "where in tarnation are the fan kits?"
My appearance in "Ain't Misbehavin'" hit a huge snag this week. It seems that someone claimed I wasn't a big enough name as a writer and therefore Actor's Equity wasn't going to let me appear in it. You'd think they'd pay more attention to my lack of acting credits (I'm still waiting for the day I have to pay more than the minimum dues to SAG) but no, it's all about writer's web fame to Actor's Equity. So my agent sent them a list of search engines that would hopefully pull up mentions of my name on the web. Then my agent told me to invent a bunch of screen names and start mentioning myself. Thankfully, this did the trick and I'm back on for my Broadway debut.
I've noticed that Wordee merchandise is flooding the market. You can now buy Wordee spark plugs, socks, eyeglasses, shoehorns, garage doors, styling gel and microphones. The Wordites are scrambling to make sure they get two of each.
Meanwhile, the fast food chain, Menachim's Jr., is selling little Wordee toys with the purchase of four napkins and a straw. No one has actually seen the toys, as they are always out of stock, but it's a real thrill to be a
give-away and not have my sainted grey-haired mother have to bail me out of jail afterwards.
Well, dearest Batsky, I'm all aflutter to know what's been going on with you. There's so little publicity about your every move. Your adoring public
would really like to know exactly what is happening in your thrilling life.
Heroically yours,
-- Wordee
=============From the Desk of The Bat=============
27 July 1997
To: Wordee the Magnificent, citizen of California
From: Personal property: Janice Covington
Re: My unpublisized life
Ref: Your memo dated 25 July
Dearest Wordee,
Congratulations on your newfound status as a citizen of the "Armageddon State" and bonified bardic star. I hear they're either going to name the next earthquake -- or set of riots after you. You must feel quite honored. So you've broken with your club and gone to Tarnation Entertainment? Well I don't suppose it matters much to me. I'm sure Tarnation will be just as proficient at ignoring requests for Bat merchandise as your previous club was. I saw the kits, packaged in bright neon, day-glo, florescent vermilion paisley which I'm guessing is your official color? And I give them kudos for finding an ink which is so incredibly permanent. You'll be able to recognize all your official card carrying Wordites by the orange glow of their hands. I noticed I was included in a couple of pictures with the kit. Me changing the toner on your printer and another of me looking simply vacuous. Charming. And what is up with Keylime Sorbet putting his stuff in there? Are you trying to imply that we have crossover fans? The guy won't even talk to you now that he's asked about you almost as much as I am, and more people read your stuff anyway.
Actor's Equity called me in regards to your *star-gate*. I told them that Stargate was a Kurt Russell movie but they wouldn't listen. I think our production company, Resistance Pictures, sent over some of your fan mail and stalker messages to prove you are in fact *somebody*. I don't see why they just didn't send the stalkers themselves since those poor folks don't get out much, but Resistance never listens to me.
I've finally found my way to Person magazine, and this is something we need to talk about. I feel comfortable discussing this with you since I know our correspondence is strictly confidential. I'd feel just terrible to think anyone else might read this and think me heterophobic. The str8 subtext was all fun and games in the beginning, but I think it's catching on a little *too* well. I'm on AOHell and all they want is to talk subtext. I go to the market and they want to talk subtext. I go over to MommaBat's for dinner and even she wants to talk subtext. This might be fine for you, being str8 and all, and having the added benefit that absolutely no one believes you, but I've got a real life to live.
Anyway so Person comes over to interview me and sure enough it's subtext again. Well I was sure to mention that I *have* a girlfriend. They were not deterred and wanted to talk about the men we've had on the show. I tried to redirect the conversation about how we kid our proofreaders by saying we're going to *kill* them and then they turn white but they REALLY wanted to talk subtext. I even kinda fibbed and said that my parents were less than happy I've become a heterosexual icon. We all know MommaBat likes to hang out talking to all the guys at those Wordeefests.
Anyway the pictures came out nice. There's one of me out in front of CasaBat watering a ficus with a garden hose. Me and MommaBat on our way to play racquetball and one of me and Idgie from our most recent camping trip. They also asked about early works of literature. They were miffed I can't go back farther than The Broken Arrow since I've not been writing very long. They said they could tell and I had to get defensive and explain that's why *I'm* the sidekick. I offered them The Search For Amphipolis but their eyes glazed over and they exhibited the same chronic lack of interest symptoms as all the other readers. Go figure. Once we started talking about you they regained consciousness and we had a pleasant afternoon discussing how wonderful you are.
Your sidekick,
Batsky
=============From the Desk of WordWarior=============
28 July 1997
To: The Bard with Battitude
From: Wordee of the Mont Blanc
Re: So. Cal. Wordeefest
Ref: Your memo dated 27 July
My dearest Batsky,
Ah, old friend, what a time we had at the Southern California Wordeefest. There I was, a newly honorary citizen of the state of California -- a state to which I have dutifully been paying taxes for years, I might add -- and I was fortunate enough to have my Batly Battidunious Bard Buddy at my side. Thankfully, our disguises worked magnificently, so that no one recognized us, therefore avoiding the mob scene we so feared. I realize it got dicey for a minute there as you stood on the table, waving copies of "Is There A Doctor on the Dig" shouting "Yo!!! Look! It's me -- Bat!!" Had there been even an ounce of attention paid to you in the media (other than that Person Magazine article -- after all, who reads Person?) you might have given us away. Thankfully, the crowd was too intent with the auction as they bid on our empty toner cartridges, pencils which showed genuine Wordee teeth marks and of course, your grocery list. Even I'll admit I was astonished when they auctioned off that empty printer-paper box of mine for a whopping $700. Guess he needed something to store old socks in, huh?
Karen Shaleyly, of Tarnation Entertainment, is trying to get hold of an essay I wrote in the first grade about my front lawn . She's pretty sure the ensuing bidding war will solve the national debt. I'd hand it over, but my sweet grey-haired mother refuses to go into the basement anymore to root through my stuff because last time she was down there she saw a spidah.
Oh, and speaking of your interview in Person Magazine, I managed to pick up a copy (there were hundreds still on the shelf. Slow week, I guess). I thought it was a lovely article. I hadn't realized most of the stuff they mentioned because whenever we talk, we usually stick to interesting subjects, like me. Happily, you also talked about me in the article, so I paid attention. Is it true you've also written some fanfic and it's on the web? Who knew?!
I was, however, greatly grieved to read your memo and realize that you are having so much trouble with the talk about str8text. I had hoped that your reputation could've remained pure. I know that your home state of California (did I mention I'm an honorary citizen now that I've lived her for 15 years or so?) isn't very progressive or "with it" and this makes for difficulties when you're accused of being an icon for str8s in a national magazine. Granted, my upbringing in the hip and happening Midwest gave me a freewheeling attitude about this sort of thing. Still, just because I delight in the innuendo and sly jokes about liking men "in that way" doesn't mean that you should be expected to do the same.
I saw the article about me in Newspaper Insert Magazine and argh!! They talked about my inseam!! Everyone knows that the three things you never discuss with a woman is her age, her weight and her inseam! And although I made sure the interviewer knew my exact age, height and weight, I have to admit to a blush or two when he checked out the little tag on the back of my Levis to check out their length.
I also noticed that in the photo you can really see the little dent in the middle finger of my right hand where my pen rests. So embarrassing. Who knew that being in the public eye would mean that every little thing on your body gets discussed! That dent alone has inspired it's own newsgroup (alt.wordee.dent) and a monitored mailing list (to keep the discussion centered on the dent and not drifting to nailcare, etc. like the newsgroup so often does).
Anyway, I have to run -- Ain't Misbehavin is gearing up and I'm in a high class hotel (The Seasonings in New York -- I'm in the Salt Suite) and need more room service. I'll bring you some tiny soaps. Ta ta!!
-- Wordee
=============From the Desk of The Bat=============
28 July 1997
To: Wordee the Heroic
From: Batsky the Faithful
Re: So. Cal. Wordeefest
Ref: Your memo dated 28 July
My dearest Wordee,
Yes Wordeefest III was really something. Your "Groucho Glasses" did the trick disguising you. In spite of the "WordWarior" T-shirt you so proudly wore. And keeping with my obligatory cleavage joke per memo, those 'Ws' were hard to miss.
It was nice to see some of our production people there too. I said hi to Abacus, the guy who shuffles paper for feeding into the printer, but as I'm sure you guessed, he didn't recognize me. I find that odd since the blooper reel he showed during lunch was the scene where I had to get paper cut after paper cut. I also saw Teflon, our Supervising Producer, he didn't recognize me either. Thought I was a waitress and asked me to get him a beer. He's a good tipper though.
Yes the auction was wild, as were the door prizes. MommaBat came through CasaBat and took all our doors to donate. It's a bit drafty at the house now, but I think the prize winners appreciated the effort. I took a couple of moments to talk to Karen Shaleyly of Tarnation. She didn't recognize me either. Finally I picked up one of the very sought after but generally unavailable Batsky T-shirts and held it next to me. She told me it was a door prize and to put it down. Finally I asked if she noticed a resemblance between me and *Batsky Bard of Burbank*, finally she noticed. Then she told me she wanted my grammar school report cards on her desk first thing in the morning. THEN she reminded me that I'm not to talk to the press at all, and for God's sake to stop acting str8 because the str8text people are getting out of hand.
Like she needs to tell me. I was surfing the net recently and I saw web sites springing up all over. There is the Wordee Infatuation page, Bob's Wordee Page, Bill's Wordee page and all of these have stories about us and <gasp> men! At least they fight about it on the mailing lists. It's nice to see the lesbians, and other people who think like lesbians, getting indignant and starting flame wars. I mean you may take it in stride coming from the midwest, but we simply *don't* have str8 people in California. My whole family is tripping about this.
And I'd like to know why I have to struggle for ages to get a damn shirt -- when Critico gets one at the same time? I mean at least I'm in every furkin episode. What, she switches voices with you for the episode when you had laryngitis and now she gets a shirt?
Your people came through with tickets for me for Ain't Misbehavin. I'm sure I'll be able to enjoy the whole spectacle of it all from way in the back where they've put me. Oh, and thank you for the tiny soaps from The Seasonings hotel, they go so nicely with the ashtray you swiped for me from that hotel in Chicago. Thoughtful as always Wordee -- I'd use it tons, if only I smoked.
I'll see you on the set,
-- Batsky
=============From the Desk of WordWarior=============
1 August 1997
To: Batsky the Ubertalented
From: Wordee the simply Uber
Re: general heroic stuff
Ref: Your memo dated 28 July
My dearest Batsky,
I spoke to our staff (not to be confused with that popsicle stick you sometimes carry threateningly in your pocket) about the Wordeefest and Teflon says he's sorry about mistaking you for a waitress, wants a refund on his tip, and is still waiting for his cheese nips. Abicus stated that he doesn't actually *watch* the show, he'd go nuts if he did. He just waits around for the inadvertent naked shots and lets his assistants do the rest.
Karen Shaleyly of Tarnation Entertainment contacted me about your public display during the fest. She said she's going to have to withdraw all mentions of your role and fanfiction from the Wordee fan kits. Hundreds of volunteers have been called in to carefully cut you out of the photos, leaving a Bat-shaped hole which she assumes no one will notice. I was in the middle of urging her to change her mind, giving an emmy-winning performance, when I had to run off to rehearsals for Ain't Misbehavin. However, I had my people call her people who called someone else's people who told those people they had a wrong number, so they called the information people who directed them to some other people and now no one knows whose people are who. It's a real mess. Karen blames you. But don't worry, I saw some people on the street and told them to work things out, so they'll call Karen and hope she's got new people by now.
I agree with what you said in your last memo about the str8text. It is indeed getting a tad out of control. We've always worked so hard to play it down the middle so as not to tick off our viewers on either side. But the fanfic writers keep insisting on writing the show as they see it, as opposed to how our producers keep telling them to see it. Hopefully, between us, we can continue to write fanfic showing the *true* Wordee/Batsky relationship with all its inherent drama, sex, action, sex, adventure, sex, plotlessness, sex and so forth. Oh, did I tell you I'm dating this really cute guy? You'd hate him, cuz of his maleness, but so far we've managed to keep our faces out of the press, so no one catches on to my hidden, closeted, str8 lifestyle.
I saw the new Critico-stuck-in-a-lava-lamp for sale on the web. She's really something, isn't she? Only been in a couple episodes and has more merchandise than Keylime Sorbet. Didn't I hear a rumor that you were getting a drawing of your paper cut finger on a box of band-aids? Way to go! Your first fan merchandise! The hardrock nutbeans will line up around the block for that.
Glad you liked the tiny soaps I sent. Don't slip on them in the hot tub -- ha ha ha ha!!! (don't you love in-jokes? I know you don't think it's funny but we all had such a laugh because of the dazed expression on your face after you'd hit your head).
I'm so excited that you're planning to see me in Ain't Misbehavin. And you've been so understanding about this whole "I can't get you backstage passes" thing. But I promise I'll make it up to you by singing "You Leave Me Breathless" during that non-smoking PSA you're going to record for that ham radio operator in Bora Bora.
Did you see the segment on CNN from the Puppy Chow in NY? They had all these str8 guys watching our show, talking about how I "rule" and stuff. They interviewed me (it was from that La Brea Tar Pits mediafest) about it and I told the nation that I was looking for a date without specifying the gender. That's how I met the really cute guy I told you about earlier. Unfortunately, he just called me and broke up with me. Said he couldn't take being called "Mr. Wordee" and wanted to start a fanfic career of his own. He was *using* me, Batsky. All he really wanted was to be introduced to Bill of Bill's Wordee Page so he could get a shot at an Evie. Thankfully I never told him that MaryD was the real power in the fanfic area. I also gave him the wrong URL and the email address of the ham radio operator in Bora Bora. By the gods, I pray he doesn't know about Yahoo.
Lovingly Yours,
Wordee
=============From the Desk of The Bat=============
3 August 1997
To: Wordee the Heroic
From: Batsky a little singed around the wingtips
Re: general heroic stuff
Ref: Your memo dated 1 August
My dearest Wordee,
I hope you don't mind but I'm having to dictate this memo to you from the wilds of Bora Bora. I did a little sightseeing after my PSA radio announcement and unfortunately ran across some restless natives. I honestly didn't see them, they were laying on the ground camouflaged. At the moment I'm slowly roasting over a spit, the tribal equivalent of flaming I suppose. Lucky for me my sidekick suit is flame retardant. Your Puppy Chow dude showed up at the Ham Radio station this morning. His name is Richard and he made a pass at me. I tried to explain that I don't do Dick and he thought I was talking about my cushy job as a sidekick. He lost interest when he found out that I wasn't Critico or Nebraska but Batsky. I can't even hold the attention of stalkers. No wonder you love having me as a sidekick -- no competition whatsoever...
I got a call from our Executive Producer Fizz Leedman about your talk with our staff. I think she felt bad that she didn't recognize me when she was on the set the other day to congratulate you on how well you're holding up your end of the str8text. Being an openly str8 woman herself, I guess she knows about these things. I guess she liked my performance, she said I won't be replaced... this week, but reminded me that there is a line of Wordee Sidekick wanna-be's surrounding the lot where we shoot. I thought they were escaped patients from the local psyche ward, but apparently they're that too.
I saw one of the paisley boxes now that they're ready to ship to our fans. Of course they won't be shipped for another six months, but they're ready to go. The online MacBatties might be a bit upset that all mentions of me have been removed from the kits -- then again they might not notice. MacBatties are funny that way. I've also been removed from all planned licensed, legal merchandise. That means it's up to the MacBatties to get busy in their garages. Barron MacBattie made a sculpture of me out of popsicle sticks that is rather impressive. I think the others have had numerous parties to discuss fan produced merchandise, then order pizza, get drunk and pass out. MacBatties are party animals indeed.
Congratulations on the nice but short lived romance. Just be careful, we don't need your personal life fueling the fire of those str8text fan fic writers. I'm scared to death as it is that they'll discover the summer I worked at a men's gym as a towel girl.
As I'm sure you know, I've heard from Karen at Tarnation. Not that I'd call such a fine company as Tarnation... er... overenthusiastic about their bottom line but they certainly have an eye out for profits. I hear you'll be appearing at conventions in cafeterias around the country jetting back and forth from matinee appearances of Ain't Misbehavin. Tarnation is charging $300 per seat for chairs at the "big table" in five table venues. Yes, I've been told I'll be waiting on such tables.
I suppose I should go. I have to go work at Tarnation licking stamps (gods I hope it's just stamps) and stuffing Wordee fan club kits (gods I just hope it's just fan club kits)(that was my obligatory cleavage joke).
Adoringly Yours,
Batsky