Amy Van Dyke©2004
Okay so how did I end up like this you ask? In my car trying to be unobtrusive and I sit across the street from my girlfriend’s house. I am not a stalker, at least I hope to god I am not. I have however lost all dignity. Let me catch you up.
Two months ago I met a dream. I had just gotten back from vacation and was exhausted. I came back to offline message in my IM. There had been this intriguing woman who had answered my ad but only seemed to want to chat in IM and it wasn’t really my thing. We never seemed to hook up. So I took the chance and emailed her and it worked. Soon we had dinner.
Now I have to warn you. I read fan fiction; which means I am not only hopelessly romantic but I have unrealistic expectations, at least for me. So I am waiting there and up drives a hero, my hero. She is gorgeous and smart and seems to have done everything I was ever interested in but was too shy. Her eyes got me the first time. We had another dinner, then another and soon I was just gone on her and her on me.
A very busy person we saw each other maybe once a week, twice if I was lucky. That was a good thing, I was very wary of someone moving in on me. It took over a month before I met any of her friends. That for me is where the trouble started. I took some time between jobs. Which is a fancy way of saying I quit one and it took me a while to find another. We had time together and it was wonderful. I stayed at her house for a few weeks. Yeah I know what I said. But you know how it is.
Back to the friend thing, they are all pretty cool. I started to notice she wasn’t real demonstrative with me around them. No biggie right? I mean she wasn’t that clingy in front of anyone so I really didn’t register it. She was fine in private. Great really, but that is something else. Soon her friends would say things, just little comments about this one friend of hers.
She was reported to be a drama queen and even my hero agreed. They were just good friends, married straight lady; so no problem, right? Well, the little comments continued. Everyone kept mentioning how they felt about one another and how they just couldn’t work it out. My hero insisted they were all idiots and they were just good friends.
Now I have heard enough bull in my life to watch what people do. Given time that is where I put my trust. So I was patient. My hero said all the right things when I posed the tough questions. Looked at me with those wonderful eyes and against my better wishes I feel completely in love. With questions, doubts, amazing insecurities and what little faith I had left, I fell in love.
I will admit that that is when I started going a little crazy. Her friends started referred to the married woman as her girlfriend and oh by the way, she is moving back into town. To live in my girlfriends spare room, a moment of silence please.
So I go for a few weeks wondering actively why I never hear from my hero when the drama queen is not working. Or at least it feels like that, I find out much later that my hero was working. Huh. She makes not so subtle efforts to dissuade me from going to her apartment even to drop something off. Again, she is always at work. She is very busy, coincidentally. Oh, and so is the drama queen.
So I get to the point where I can either trust, go absolutely nuts or leave her. I don’t want to leave her; I am already a little crazy, so I work on the trust thing. Here was my math. If she was doing everything my insecure mind said she was? Could I do anything about it? No. Would there be any way to find out for sure? Would it be totally demeaning or scarring emotionally in the process? No. So the trust thing had more pros that cons. Not big ones mind you but something to work with.
Tomorrow she goes on a week’s vacation. On a plane ticket I arranged. Trusting, trusting, and trusting. She is not answering her replaced cell phone, I arranged. Ahem, trust work with me here. Now I know that there is a high probability that she is at work.
She mentioned that the drama queen would ‘probably’ leave while she was away. And I wonder what that means for me. If anything.
So I sit here early, ready to take her to the airport. I stopped by her apartment just to see if she was here and she isn’t. Am I proud? No. But I will head to her job and wait like the dutiful girlfriend I am or at least I am trying to be.
I either have a wonderful hero in my life that circumstances are conspiring against and who will not work with me on admitting that. Or she is a dog and I am out hundreds of dollars. It isn’t the money; I don’t really care about that. It would just be a painfully bright red feather on my shame bonnet if my inner voice turns out to be right.
So the reality of it is that my hero works her butt off. Is very stressed out and works to avoid any and all drama even that which she perceives I might put her through. So coming and going I lose on that one. I will work to get through the current tough times and hope that I come out the other side with my hero, sanity and dignity in tact.
And of course there is the harsher reality. My hero is weak and human and I was right the entire time.
Why does love have to be such a crap shoot? I never did understand that game.
Any comments welcome vandykaa@yahoo.com