Robin woke late and instantly knew she was alone. Even knowing, she still had to see. She sat up and looked around the small beach. All of Maryl's things were gone and it took her a moment to identify what was different beyond that one devastating fact.

Small river rocks had been collected and placed beside her to spell the words 'I love you'. Robin felt something relentless come out of the ground and enter her body. It moved faster and faster until it erupted from her throat and echoed off the hills. She could feel leaves shake loose from the trees and rocks tremble. For a moment, the river reversed course.

She fell to the side and sobbed until she was empty of all but that tiny flicker of hope and she embraced it. With her mission firmly in place, Robin collected every rock Maryl had left for her, threw her belongings together in a jumble and headed downstream. She felt clearer, more focused and more driven than ever before. Less than 10 minutes later she found Bruce waiting for her on the path with concern in his eyes. He waded out to walk beside her.

"It's over then." It wasn't a question.

"That's what she thinks," Robin said with grim purpose.

Bruce grinned. "You go, girl."

Part Three

Maryl took a seat in the back and stuffed her pillow between her head and the side of the van. Folding her arms to protect her bruised heart, she closed her eyes and willed the others to leave her in peace. Her eyes were dry, but she cried all the way back to town. She felt alternately hopeless and grateful. She had her memory and she was both lifted up by it and cast into the abyss. She knew Robin was hurting-she imagined she could feel it-and she regretted it. She could only hope that her last message was understood. Always and forever she would remember Robin with nothing but love. She hoped that Robin's family would be there for her and ease some of the pain.

The other women in the van carried on their own conversations and did not pressure her to talk. Even Linda was very nearly personable. The miles stretched endlessly and it seemed to take longer to get home than it had taken to get up to the campsite. It was with relief that they finally pulled up to Eva's house. Unloading the van and getting everyone's belongings sorted out took some time, but at the end of it Eva collected them all in a group hug. Maryl didn't especially like the group hugs-they were too impersonal and unsatisfying-but she participated because it was expected of her. Eva set the date for their next meeting and Maryl honestly didn't know if she would go or not.
Eva followed her to her car and put her hand on the door to prevent her opening it. "I'm worried about you, Maryl."

She leaned back against her Toyota and firmly pushed her pain away. "I'm okay. Really."

"I know you want me to believe that," Eva said with understanding. "But I don't."

Maryl folded her arms and ground her teeth before speaking. "I'm exactly where I choose to be. No one did this to me. I have what I wanted and I'll learn to live with it. Today is probably the hardest."

"I hope it was worth it," Eva said with tenderness and compassion. "Call me at any time if you want to talk. Anything you tell me outside the group stays private. I promise."

"Thanks, Eva. For everything." She accepted Eva's hug in the spirit with which it was given, then waved goodbye to the others and drove away. Her first stop, and the one she needed most, was at the kennel to pick up Rupert, her six-year-old Chow.

"How's my big boy? Oh, yes!" She laughed as he licked her face in a frenzy of excitement. "Mommy missed her handsome little man," she crooned. "Yes, she did!" He was wiggling too hard to allow a truly satisfying hug, but Maryl knew he would be all over her once he had a chance to get home and realize that things were back to normal. She paid the second half of the boarding fee with genuine thanks and took Rupert out to the car. "Do you want to go home, Ru?"

He barked until she opened the car door and then began to bounce from front seat to back. She slid into the driver's seat and he took a long, investigative sniff at her hair. His interest and antics restored some of her humor and the rest of the drive home was a pleasure.

Rupert raced through the house, rolling on the carpet and making sure no one had peed on his favorite backyard post. Maryl carried her things inside and began getting her life back on track. There was a sadness to it, but it was comforting as well.

All of her plants needed watering and the mail needed to be dealt with. She put her camping clothes in the laundry and threw the hated sleeping bag out in the carport. She wasn't sure what she was going to do with it, but she knew she was never going to use it again. She considered taking it back to the store and having words with the clerk, but decided it wouldn't do any good. Most of the messages on her machine were from tele-marketers and the rest were from people she considered part-time friends.

When everything was in satisfactory order, Maryl ran a hot bath and eased into it with a groan of pleasure. The hot water was soothing to muscles stiff and sore from lovemaking and her heart catalogued each spot for future retrieval.

She was snuggling with Rupert on the sofa later that evening when the phone rang. She reached over her head for it without needing to look. "Hello."

"Welcome home," Janelle's cheerful voice rang out. "How was your trip?"

After being best friends for nine years and co-workers for over four, this was the one person Maryl was most relieved to hear on the other end of the line. "Not bad. How did things go at work?"

"You don't even want to know. Besides, I didn't call about work. Are you glad you went?"

Maryl's heart broke and soared at the same time. "Very."

"From the way you talked, you didn't think you'd have a good time. They must be easier to get along with than you thought."

"Sometimes, yes. Other times, no. But all in all it went pretty well."

There was silence on the line for a long moment. "You sound kind of depressed. What's wrong?"

"I'm just very tired." It wasn't a complete lie. "I'm lying here with Rupert trying to catch up on what's been going on in the world. I think I'll skip dinner and go to bed."

"Okay. Do you want to get together tomorrow? You can show me your tan lines and bug bites and I'll tell you about Carlos."

"Who's Carlos?"

"A guy I met in the grocery store."

Maryl smiled tiredly at Janelle's naughty tone of voice. "You're not going to show up at the crack of dawn, are you?"

"On a Sunday? I'll aim for noon like always."

"Okay. See you then."

~***~

Maryl was watering the front lawn when Janelle drove up in her ancient (It's a classic!) El Camino. She shook her head with a patient grin as it struggled to stay running even as Janelle bounced up the walk. She was starting to wonder if it intended to take itself for a drive when it choked and died with an exaggerated sigh.

"I still think that hunk of junk is sentient," Maryl said.

"It should be after all the attention I give it."

Maryl returned Janelle's hug, careful to keep the hose pointed away from her. Janelle sat down on her front steps as she dragged the hose over so she could reach the nasturtiums that grew outside her bedroom window. "So, tell me about Carlos. How did you meet?"

"Produce, of course. It's the best place because you can tell right away if they're gay or married."

"How do you figure that?"

"Gay men know how to pick ripe fruit and married men don't shop for produce."

Maryl grimaced at Janelle's matter-of-fact statement. "You do know how terribly stereotypical that is, don't you?"

"Stereotypes exist for a reason," Janelle pointed out. "Anyhow, he was trying to figure out which watermelon to buy and I helped him."

"Were you there for a reason or just cruising?"

"Both, of course! You know I never go to the store just to shop."

"Actually," Maryl admitted. "I didn't know that. So then what happened?"

"I asked him to help me pick out condoms."

Maryl flung water in Janelle's direction.

"It is his area of expertise," Janelle complained. "And it sends an important message right off the bat." She paused for effect. "That I'm available."

Maryl smiled with affection. "Tramp."

"Ouch! That hurts."

"Yeah, right. Did he call yet?"

"Of course! He's taking me to see Macy Gray next Friday."

"Lucky you!"

Janelle leaned back on her elbows with satisfaction. "He's cute, too."

"I hope it works out." Maryl turned off the water and coiled the hose neatly. She pushed at Janelle with her knee as she went inside and Janelle followed her.

"So tell me more about your trip. Did you sit around and cry all the time? Or did you have fun?"

Maryl knew it was inevitable that she would tell her friend all about Robin, but she just couldn't say it straight out. This was going to be one of those times that she needed the information drug out of her a piece at a time. "I learned to skip rocks," she offered.

"Ooh!" Janelle wiggled her fingers. "Sounds exciting."

"It was. I guess you had to be there."

"Not me," she said with relief. "It's not camping unless there's an RV and satellite television." Janelle sat down at the kitchen table. "I'm dying to know what seven lesbians do for fun when they're stranded in the wilderness. Fill me in."

"Just camping stuff," Maryl shrugged. "Swimming, hiking, talking, camp fires, roasting marshmallows, swatting bugs. The usual. One day they wove little baskets out of grass and another day they picked berries for a cobbler."

"They?" Janelle's eyes concentrated on her. "What were you doing?"

Maryl opened the refrigerator and pulled out a couple of sodas. She shook one up and slid it across the table to her friend. "I went for a walk."

"I know that look," Janelle grinned. She slipped a finger under the tab and pointed the can at Maryl. "Don't make me mess up your kitchen. You've got a secret lover and you will tell me all about it. Which one was it?"

"None." Maryl ducked and held up her hand. "I swear!"

"Then who? I thought you were going someplace isolated."

"We did."

"But?"

Maryl pulled out a chair and sat down opposite Janelle. "There was a campground a couple of miles downstream."

"No way." Janelle's eyes were huge. "So, who is she? What's she like? How did you meet? When are you going to see her again?"

Maryl wondered how long it would take to stop tearing up every time she thought about Robin.

"Hey," her friend said with concern. "Hey, what happened?"

Maryl tried to smile as she brushed a tear away. "I fell in love."

"But that's great, isn't it? How does she feel about you?"

"She loves me, too, but it will never work out."

"Why? Is she married? Dying? What?"

Maryl shook her head and stared at the soda can between her hands. "Nothing like that. She's perfect. But it would never work between us and we agreed not to see each other again. It's for the best."

"Did you sleep with her?"

Memory ambushed her with a shiver. "Yes."

"You just met someone camping and went to bed with her."

Maryl was uncomfortable with the way that sounded. "It wasn't like that."

"Well?" Janelle crooked her fingers as if beckoning her.

"We talked and went for walks and swam and played mostly. I've never felt so safe or relaxed with anyone before. Making love was just an extension of what we felt."

"How long did you spend with her?"

"Most of four days."

Janelle's face tightened with concentration. "If you love each other, why did you decide not to see each other again? Whose idea was it?"

Mine. "We talked about it, Janelle. We decided together."

Janelle buried her face in her hands and groaned. "Oh, Maryl. What if she was The One?"

"You don't even believe in The One, Janelle." Maryl felt the need to justify herself. "You tell me that all the time. You laugh at me for hoping. Don't start giving me a hard time because this time I got smart." Maryl was on her feet and in spite of the fact that she was crying, she felt angry. "This time, I left. And I did it when everything was good. They were the best four days of my life and she can never take them away or call them a lie or make them ugly. She let me go because she understood. Not because she doesn't love me. She does love me, damn it! She does!"

Maryl's anger vanished and she ran to her room. She slammed the door and fell to her bed weeping. A few seconds later, Janelle crawled over her and took her in her arms. Maryl buried her face in her shoulder, grateful for a sympathetic place to express her anguish.

"You stupid little twit," Janelle soothed. "What am I going to do with you?"

"She does love me," Maryl insisted.

"I believe you. I just?never mind. Cry it all out and then you can tell me how wonderful she was."

~***~

Getting back to work helped her make the final transition from fantasy to reality. It took most of the first week back to straighten out the confusion left by her absence and Janelle ran a discreet screen for her so no one would delve too deeply into her trip. But even when she was most distracted, her body and spirit remembered Robin. She felt tired all the time and was worried at first that she was coming down with something, but she finally decided it was emotional and knew that it would pass eventually.

She was prepared for the nights to be the most difficult in terms of loneliness and despair, but to her surprise it was the mornings that were hardest. At night she would fall into bed, throw an arm over Rupert and lose consciousness almost immediately. She woke up in the mornings, however, with a feeling of excitement that withered as soon as she realized that Robin was gone forever. Crying through her shower became a new morning ritual.

She thought she had a handle on it, but 12 days after returning from the mountains, one of the doctors pulled her aside and offered to give her a physical and run some blood tests. Maryl had not been aware that her emotional distress was a visible phenomenon. She reassured him that she would be fine and he reluctantly backed off, but as a wake up call it was extremely effective. She had been ignoring Janelle's pestering about eating and when she stepped on the office scale to discover that she had lost 14 pounds, she was horrified. Looking at her face in the mirror she realized how gaunt she had become. All of her bones seemed to be more prominent and she was embarrassed that she had let it come to this.

When she started eating again she began to feel better. Her evening runs with Rupert stopped being debilitating and her mind became clearer. She still missed Robin something terrible, but the memories no longer seemed to be eating her alive.

At the last minute she decided to attend group. It wasn't that she felt that she was getting a lot out of it, but just having the support available to her made her feel better. Most of the evening was devoted to a new member, Paula, whose longtime companion had recently died of pancreatic cancer. She seemed to be in shock, not quite convinced that tragedy had come knocking at her door. Maryl was glad to hear that she was also going to a therapist and had come to their group just to be around other people instead of sitting alone in her empty house.

Before the evening broke up, Kirsten fixed Maryl with a concerned stare. "You've lost weight."

"I've already gained some of it back," Maryl said easily.

"Were you sick?"

It was far easier to smudge the truth than explain. "Yes. But I'm feeling much better now."

"And emotionally?" Eva asked. "Are you sorry you left her up in the mountains?"

Maryl's heart screamed Yes! "I do miss her more than I expected," she admitted. "But I did the right thing."

Driving home afterwards, she realized that listening to someone else's bereavement had lightened some of her own. She wasn't sure whether to feel bad about gaining some peace of mind from Paula's loss or not. Considering that she had not taken any pleasure from Paula's story, she decided that she was probably pretty normal and left it at that.

The next two weeks were better. Her health improved and she stopped feeling so tired. An echo of sadness accompanied her at all times and she still woke up with the agony of loss, but she seemed to have the strength to handle it. The first time she laughed at something in the office, Janelle got tears in her eyes and hugged her.

"I've missed you," she whispered.

"Have I been that bad?"

Janelle's face was fully open to her. "Yes."

That a simple chuckle would bring such a response from her dearest friend made Maryl feel terrible.

"I've seen you pick up the pieces of your life more times than I can count," Janelle said quietly. "This is different. You're doing all the things you're supposed to do, but you?" Janelle poked at her chest. "You never came home."

Janelle went back to work and Maryl shuffled papers, unable to concentrate on anything. She felt vaguely angry, but she knew her friend was right. She had left something important on that small beach and she didn't want to admit it. I just need more time. It'll pass.

The next group meeting came and Maryl sat quietly on Eva's couch. Something seemed different and after a time she realized that it was Noreen. She seemed to be watching everyone with a secret smile. They began to keep an eye on each other and even though Maryl knew that something was about to happen, she was still surprised when Noreen spoke into a moment of silence.

"I'm not coming to group anymore. It's time for me to move on."

Maryl's smile grew as the others sat in stunned shock. Eva recovered first. "Good for you, Noreen. What changed for you?"

"Something Maryl said on the camping trip."

"Me?"

"'Permission to stop hurting'. Remember?"

Maryl nodded.

"It's not in control of me anymore. I knew it when you said it, but I wanted to be sure. Now I am. I feel better every day and as much as I enjoy being with all of you, I need to get on with my life. I need to stop dwelling on the past and start planning for my future."
Maryl was happy for Noreen and added her good wishes to those of the group. When the meeting broke up, she followed Noreen to her truck. "Noreen? I want to tell you something and I only hope it doesn't come out all twisted up."

Noreen put her elbow up on the side of the truck bed and crossed one foot over the other. "Shoot."

Maryl took a deep breath. "I don't really see us being the kind of friends who hang out and talk on the phone. Do you?"

"Honestly? No. We're too different."

"Good," Maryl said with relief. "I just wanted you to know that I'm your friend anyway. We don't have to be buddies, but?I like you. I don't expect we'll see each other much, but I care about you anyway. Am I making any sense?"

Noreen laughed easily. "Yeah. I know exactly what you're saying and the same goes for me."

They hugged briefly, but hard and Noreen got in her truck. Maryl turned to walk away, but Noreen called her name and she went back to the open window. Noreen leaned out and reached for her hand. "I want to say something to you, too. I never met your lady in the mountains, but I know she was special to you. As your friend, I'm telling you that you're an idiot for letting her get away."

Maryl tried to make a joke out of it. "That seems to be the general consensus."

"What does that tell you? Figure it out, Maryl."

She stood there with nothing to say as Noreen started up her truck and drove away.

~***~

The rituals of everyday life got easier, but when she didn't have anything else to do, Maryl's head was filled with other people's words. You're the best time I've ever had. You never came home. You're an idiot for letting her get away. The most important thing is that we love each other. Figure it out, Maryl. Are you sorry you left her up in the mountains?

The only escape was distraction. In the midst of deep cleaning her little house she decided it needed painting. She coaxed her landlord into springing for half the cost of the paint-more than willing to pay for the other half herself just so she'd have something constructive to do-and two days later she laid on the first brush stroke. Janelle offered to help if Maryl kept the stereo and the beer running and in only a week the inside of her house took on a warm and creamy yellow cast. After years of dingy white, it was an exciting change and well worth the cost and the lingering paint fumes.

The landlord dropped by a few days afterwards and was so pleased with the results he wrote her a check on the spot for her half of the expense. The pride she felt over a job well done made her mood improve and even if the voices still plagued her in her private moments, she felt a little more like her old self.

The one thing she needed most and wanted least was a social life. Going to Eva's group could only be considered marginally social, and as enjoyable as spending time with Janelle was, she knew it was time to start getting out on her own. The problem was, none of the people she had socialized with were satisfying to her anymore and none of the things she used to do made her feel good. Going to the local gay bar on Saturday nights had just become loud and depressing. She tried going to small casual dinners with old friends, but they were focused on finding her a new lover and none of the women they introduced her to ignited any sparks.

It occurred to her at one point that she was comparing them all to Robin, but she honestly couldn't see how that was a bad thing. After all the failed relationships she had been in, maybe it was time to raise her standards to a new level. She had a perfect track record of choosing the wrong woman. She was more than willing to spend some time alone if it meant that she could avoid some future heartbreak and wait for a woman she could build a life with.

Her memory of Robin began to be a source of pleasure for her when drawn out in moderation. If she allowed herself to dwell on their time together it was too painful, but she could wonder from time to time what Robin would think or do or feel about whatever Maryl was experiencing and it gave her a warm glow. It became a subconscious game for her. The flowers in her yard gave her more pleasure when she imagined Robin admiring them. She spent one long Sunday afternoon looking at clothes with a mind to how Robin would look in that sweater and what she would think of Maryl in this skirt.

She didn't realize how pervasive her thoughts had become until she found herself in the grocery store one day trying to pick out a wine Robin might like and saw her double walking past the end of the aisle. She searched the store from one end to the other and could not find a woman who even remotely resembled Robin. She left the store feeling hollow and exposed, determined to get her habits under control.

The very next day she could have sworn she saw Robin driving the opposite direction on Main Street. It gave her the shakes and she had to pull over while she got over them. She told herself that she was being ridiculous; she would probably not even recognize Robin fully clothed, but it was small consolation to her heart.

The third incident happened on her way to work several days later. There was no way she could go back to see if the woman walking into the Oak Furniture Warehouse really looked like Robin or if she was losing her mind without being late to her job.

Maryl grabbed a cup of coffee first thing and almost ran into Janelle in the hall.

"Hey, watch where you point that thing," Janelle said of her coffee cup.

"Sorry. I'm a little distracted."

"What's up?"

Maryl glanced around. There were too many people near and they would be busy soon. "Are you free for lunch?"

"Are you buying?"

Maryl nodded and headed for her desk. She was aware that Janelle studied her now and then during the long morning, but there just wasn't time to talk.

Lunchtime gradually rolled around and they walked next door to the hospital cafeteria. "You don't look so good," Janelle said to start her talking.

"I think I'm going nuts."

"Why do you think that?"

Maryl wasn't very comfortable saying it out loud, but it was the only way. "I keep catching glimpses of women who remind me of Robin."

"How long has it been since you last saw her?"

Embarrassed that she knew without having to think about it, Maryl hid her face. "Seven weeks, five days and about six hours. Pitiful, huh?"

Janelle put her arm through Maryl's with a laugh. "Yeah, but it's cute, too. I'll bet your memory of precisely how she looked is starting to blur and that's why you're suddenly seeing her."

Maryl thought this was doubtless true, but it made her sad. "It's funny though. The glimpses seem to make my memory clearer. I remember how she looked better after I think I've seen her. Not her features so much, but the long lines of her and the way her hair layers over her shoulders."

"Do you regret saying goodbye to her?"

Janelle's eyes were full of sympathy and it gave Maryl the courage to tell the truth. "Sometimes I miss her so bad I can hardly breathe. I know I did the right thing, but sometimes I do regret it."

Janelle hugged her arm. "You seem so certain that she loves you. Maybe you should try to find her and just talk."

"No." Maryl shook her head and opened the hospital's side door for her. "I'm sure it will pass. I just need more time."

"I wonder if she imagines that she sees you, too?"

Maryl didn't want to think about that. She needed to believe that Robin was getting on with her life. "How's it going with Carlos? It's getting close to two months that you've been going out and I still haven't met him."

"If I hadn't been to his house I might think he was married. I only get to see him on the weekends. I really like him and I think he likes me, too, but I'm starting to think that something's not quite right."

Maryl made the appropriate noises, asked questions in the right places and let Janelle carry the conversation through lunch.

~***~

Maryl couldn't help but keep an eye out for anyone who looked like Robin as she drove to group that night. It made her feel a little hunted, but somewhere in town was a woman she needed to see up close so she could stop reacting every time she saw her. She resolved that the very next time she thought she saw Robin, she would stop whatever she was doing and find her.

She sat quietly in group, letting the others talk and replayed images in her mind, trying to find something about this new woman she was seeing that didn't mesh with her memories. At some point she realized that the room was silent and everyone was looking at her. "Sorry," she said with a start. "Did you ask me something?"

Eva chuckled. "I asked how things were going with you, but you seem a little preoccupied. Is everything okay?"

"Yes. I'm fine." Now that she had an opportunity to talk, she wanted to. "I've been trying to be more social, but it seems like everything has changed. The things I used to do for fun just don't seem fun anymore."

"Like what?" Brooke asked.

"Going to the bar on Saturday nights. Visiting with old friends. A couple of women have asked me out, but I seem to know right away that it's pointless. I just don't have feelings for them."

"And your feelings for Alaine?" Eva asked.

Maryl waved her hand dismissively. "I haven't even thought of her for weeks. She's ancient history."

Wendy spoke cautiously. "So you're not mad at her anymore?"

Maryl shook her head. "No. I hope she finds whatever she's looking for and it makes her happy."

"Why are you still coming to group?" Linda sounded more curious than belligerent for once.

"To be honest, I don't think I ever came to group because of Alaine. I think I was coming because I felt somehow defective. Alaine was the longest relationship of my life and I guess I thought that I was doing something wrong that my lovers never stayed."

"Do you still think that?" Paula asked.

Maryl realized that she didn't, at least not on an intellectual level. "No. I don't."

Eva smiled. "So why do you have such trouble keeping women around?"

Maryl smiled back. "A lifetime of poor choices, I guess. I think I've always chosen women who were available or because they seemed to want me. I don't know if it's because I was trained to do what other people want or if I'm just weak, but the end result was one bad choice after another. Maybe that's what I was doing wrong."

"Did you ever love any of those women?"

Maryl sighed. "I thought so at the time, but I'm not sure I ever knew what love was. I think I was hunting for crumbs of love. I don't think it speaks very well of me that I was willing to be with anyone who showed an interest in me. If someone kissed me it was love. If someone said I was beautiful it was love. If someone liked me as a friend it was love."

"Why? What started that pattern?"

"It has to be my family." Maryl saw her whole life in new terms. "All my life I was given love when I obeyed and conformed and performed. When I did what they thought I should, they loved me. When I looked the way I should or said what I was supposed to say, they gave me love. If I ever stepped out of line, they took it away. When I came out to them as a lesbian, they never got over it. I ended up moving out here to get away from their disapproval and their rules, but now it looks like I brought all of their baggage with me. I think I choose women who don't really care about me because that's the kind of love I'm accustomed to getting."

"What about the woman you met on the camping trip?" Brooke asked.

Paula looked around. "What woman?"

Linda leaned towards Paula. "We went on a camping trip a couple of months ago and Maryl met someone. She spent most of the trip with her, but they decided not to see each other again. I'm not sure why."

Maryl was in shock at the change in Linda. She hadn't seemed any different at the last meeting and now she was suddenly considerate and peaceable. She looked at Eva for a clue and saw a knowing smile. Reassured that it was a change in Linda and not another sign of her impending insanity, Maryl pretended not to notice.

Brooke returned to her question. "Was she different somehow?"

Maryl allowed her feelings for Robin to surface for a moment so she could examine them. "I think so, but it's hard to be sure. I find myself doubting how I feel about everything. I loved her at the time and I still miss her constantly, but I'm not sure if I can trust that it was love." She pulled her legs up underneath her and snuggled into the corner of the couch. "I've been thinking about love at first sight. Now that I've had a chance to process it, I have an answer if anyone wants to hear it."

Linda grinned and the others nodded. "I do believe in it," Maryl said. "But I don't think that it's enough. I love a lot of things, but being in love is entirely different. Love can happen in an instant, but being in love takes time and commitment. I think that love at first sight, as a reality, probably only happens to men. I think women need more. We need security and trust on every level and that just doesn't happen in a second. The potential for being in love can happen in a heartbeat, but it takes time for it to become actualized. If it feels like love at first sight and then grows into being in love, it can be said that it's a real phenomenon. But I think it would be more accurate to say that women experience attraction at first sight and most of the time it turns out to be an illusion."

Wendy was listening closely. "What was it you felt for her? Love at first sight or attraction at first sight?"

"It felt like love at first sight," Maryl admitted. "Now that I'll never see her again, I can call it that and there isn't any reason to think otherwise."

"That's why you decided not to see each other," Kirsten said slowly. "So that you could be in love with her for the rest of your life and never risk that it wasn't real."

Maryl hugged a pillow to her chest and tried to pretend she didn't have tears in her eyes. "Something like that."

Brooke sat back and folded her arms. "Maybe I'm not getting it, but that sounds like the stupidest thing I ever heard. What if it really was love and you threw it away? How do you live with the uncertainty?"

Maryl lifted her chin. "I'm doing the best that I can, Brooke. I don't have all the answers. But if her memory helps me not jump helter skelter into substandard relationships, it's all worth it."

The conversation spread into other areas and Maryl tried to pay attention, but she couldn't help wondering if she had made the right choice. When the meeting broke up, Eva made a point of holding her back. Linda was the last to leave and Eva brought a bottle of scotch and two shot glasses to the coffee table.

"You look like you could use a drink."

"Only if you'll have one with me."

"Of course," Eva laughed. She poured for the both of them and they drank without ritual.

"What's up with Linda?" Maryl asked. "She was almost sensitive."

"Just between you and I, she's been coming around to the fact that her attitude incites negative reactions in other people ever since the camping trip. She went to a doctor and discussed it with her. She started taking medications about three weeks ago. They take a while to kick in and they seem to be working."

"Wow." Maryl shook her head. "I don't usually subscribe to the idea that we should medicate our moods, but she definitely seems better."

"I've always thought she should be on medication, but it was never my place to suggest it. Her attitude always seemed to be out of her control to me, so I'm glad to see that she's taking charge of it. I talked to her the other day about it and she feels much happier with herself. She can finally see how abrasive she was and it embarrasses her."

"Maybe she really did need it. I'm glad for her."

Eva poured them another round and sat back with her drink in her hand. "You've gone through a lot of changes recently, too."

"I don't understand them all yet. Most of what I said tonight was brand new and it may take some time to put it all in perspective."

Eva searched her face. "You did love her."

Maryl bit off her tears and nodded.

"You still love her. In my opinion, you should find her and talk to her. I think I understand why you want her to be in your past, but you may never love anyone like that again and it would be a sin to let it go. It's not too late to go to her. I'll never say this again, but I think ending it to begin with was senseless and cruel. For both of you."
Maryl wiped her tears away and downed her second drink. "Sometimes I agree with you, but I just couldn't take her away from her family. They're so close."

"I'm close to my family as well," Eva remarked. "Very close. It's a nine-hour drive to where they live, but we talk on the phone all the time and we get together several times a year. Being apart makes our gatherings that much more precious and I don't have to deal with any of the unpleasant things."

"I don't think her family has unpleasantness."

"All families have unpleasantness. I don't have to attend school plays and recitals and Little League games or buy cookies and gift-wrap and sponsor walk-a-thons. I don't have to baby-sit at the drop of the hat or get sucked into little family squabbles. I get to hear about everything after it's resolved and has become a joke. When we do get together, everyone is happy to see me and I get to be the star attraction. Living apart from family is not a terrible thing."

"Still," Maryl insisted, "I couldn't ask her to leave them. She needs them."

Eva sighed. "I just hope you made the right choice."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. "Was there a specific reason you wanted me to stay after?"

Eva frowned to herself and leaned forward to set her drink on the table. "I need a favor and I'm a little uncomfortable about asking."

"Why?"

"Asking for help is not my strong point; especially from a group member. I feel like it's my function to provide help, not receive it."

"I think we both know," Maryl said gently, "that I'll be moving on now. If not this meeting, then the next. I've done what I needed to do in group."

"That's what I thought."

"What can I do for you, Eva?"

"It's not really for me." Eva seemed nervous. "I'm looking for information for someone else. I saw a program recently on television. It was about women who lose?sexual function after having a hysterectomy. I guess it happens a lot more than people think."

"It does." Maryl had heard about this and she remembered seeing the program as well. "It wasn't that long ago that doctors believed menstrual cramps were a figment of our imagination. It's only been just recently that the medical profession has started talking about this new problem and even then they can't all agree that it even happens. Just because they can point to a body part or explain its function doesn't mean that they understand how it all works together. It makes perfect sense to me that a hysterectomy could destroy a link in the chain of sexual response. A woman's sexual response is far more difficult to understand and quantify than a man's is. You can bet that if men were becoming impotent after vasectomies, there would be congressional intervention."

Maryl stopped herself. It was too easy to jump on the soapbox and start ranting, but that wasn't what Eva needed. The thought of all the misery that women were experiencing over this particular thing made her sick to her stomach. She worried that Eva was the one it had happened to, but then tiny pieces of information clicked into a believable picture. "Kirsten."

Eva slumped, her face a mask of pain, and Maryl knew the rest. "You're in love with her." The agony in Eva's eyes told it all. "Does she know?"

"I don't know. It's complicated."

Maryl nodded in sympathy. Now she knew what to do. "I know of a doctor-not in my office-who is furious that nothing is being done on a large scale to find a way to treat it. She's relatively new to this area, but from the few times I've had contact with her, she's sharp. At the very least, she will validate it as a real and serious problem. She intimidates a lot of the male doctors, but then, they think it's a psychosomatic issue. If there's anyone in this area who knows what's going on and the treatments that are being tried, it's her. I know for sure she has several patients who have suffered the same loss and maybe she would be willing to introduce Kirsten to other women so she can talk about it. If you've got a phone book, I can circle her number for you."

In seconds, Eva was sitting next to her as she flipped through the yellow pages. "There she is."

Eva began to cry, but she was smiling, too. "Thank you, Maryl. No matter what happens, I owe you one."

"Oh, please!" Maryl threw her arm over Eva's shoulders. "You do so much for us and we do so little in return. I just hope Kirsten gets some help and you two work it out. I think you'd be great together and if there's anything else I can do, just let me know."

~***~

Maryl left work on Friday with no idea what she was going to do over the weekend. She was in her car with the engine running before she saw the notepaper under her windshield wiper. It wasn't uncommon to find flyers for events and services on her car after work and she didn't give it much thought until she had it in her hand. Unlike the usual missives, this one was handwritten in graceful, flowing script. She felt the blood draining from her body as she read.

I was wrong to let you believe that I could walk away and never see you again. You are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. You are my dream and I believe in dreams with all my heart. When you are ready to talk, call me at any hour. Robin Griffith

A local phone number was written at the bottom of the page and Maryl cried with a poignant blend of joy and fear. She knew in an instant that the woman she had been seeing around town was Robin. She put her forehead to the steering wheel in disbelieving shock. "Omigod?omigod?omigod?"

"Hey, Maryl. What's wrong?"

Janelle had her hand on the open window and was looking in at her with concern. Maryl put her head back against the headrest of her seat. "She's here."

"Who?"

"Robin." Maryl held the note up. "She's here. It's her I've been seeing. She was here. At my car. She was right here."

Janelle took the note and quickly scanned it. "Oh, Maryl! This is so romantic!"

Maryl closed her eyes and shook her head. "This is wrong. All wrong. She's not supposed to be here."

"But this is wonderful! She really does love you!"

"She's not supposed to be here!"

She is here," Janelle said firmly. "And it's about damn time. When you're not manic, you mope. I'm getting pretty sick of it."

Maryl snatched the note out of Janelle's hand. "I'm sorry you find me so difficult to be around." She put the Toyota in gear and drove home with bleary eyes and a timorous heart.

By the time she got home, she was on the edge of the first panic attack of her life. She locked her doors, pulled the shades and disconnected the phone before crawling into bed with the shakes. Rupert lay on the floor next to the bed and whined in confusion. Maryl's mind raced in denial and her panic escalated into tears. She wept until she felt sick and staggered into the bathroom to throw up. Brushing her teeth afterwards, her anger began to rise. When it was strong enough to protect her, she plugged her phone in and called Robin's number.

"Hello."

Maryl almost caved when she heard Robin's husky voice. "What do you think you're doing? You promised it would be over."

"I never promised," Robin said in a quiet voice.

Maryl knew this was true and it just made her angrier. "I asked you not to come here. We talked about this and it will never work."

"Why not?"

"Because! We don't know anything about each other! What happened between us was a illusion-an aberration!"

"I don't believe that and I don't think you do either."

Robin's utter calm was infuriating. "You said you would be my memory and now you've ruined it for me! How can I ever trust you again? You should never have come here!" Maryl was shaking with rage.

"I had to come," Robin said simply.

"Why?"

"Because I love you."

Maryl couldn't frame a coherent reply so she slammed the phone down. It wasn't satisfying enough so she slammed it again. Not being in the best frame of mind to make decisions, Maryl allowed herself to have a fit.

Her phone was obviously broken by the time she felt better and Rupert was fussing at the back door to be let out. Unplugging the phone from the wall, she carried it into the kitchen and dropped it in the trash before letting Rupert out into the back yard. She sat down at the kitchen table with a beer and tried to sort out her conflicting emotions.

The temptation to find Robin and go to her was central in her heart. But what to do then was uncertain. She could try to convince her to go home to her family. She could fall into her arms and let fate determine their destiny. She had a completely irrational urge to grab Robin by the ears and shake some sense into her. Or she could ignore Robin entirely and perhaps in time she would realize the mistake she had made and leave.

Unable to come to a decision and feeling a little drained by the emotions of the past few hours, Maryl took Rupert for a short run and watched the news before going to bed. She lay in the dark for hours, her eyes wide open and couldn't get rid of the knowledge that Robin was within just a few miles and would be happy to see her. Or would have been if Maryl hadn't yelled at her and hung up on her. She wished she could take that conversation back, but she didn't know how she could have done it differently. She had counted on never seeing her again and now she was here.

It was almost three in the morning when she started digging around in her closet for her old phone. Hoping it would work, she plugged it into the outlet under the bed and lifted the handset. Hearing a dial tone, she sat on the floor and punched in the number she had inadvertently memorized.

Robin's voice was sleepy. "Hello?"

Maryl felt small and vulnerable. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"I had it coming."

"And I shouldn't have hung up on you. I don't usually act like that."

"Let's just forget that call ever happened, okay?"

Maryl nodded as new tears fell. "I've seen you a couple of times this last week. I thought I was going crazy."

"I'm sorry, Maryl. I tried to keep a low profile so you wouldn't see me by accident, but I had no idea where and when you were likely to be so every time I went out was a gamble. Listen, I know this wasn't what you wanted. I've been selfish in going after what I want, but I want you to know that I don't have any expectations. I have hopes, but no expectations. I'm here and I'm not going away, but I'm not going to stalk you. You can talk to me or not talk to me-it's up to you."

"I don't know what I want."

"I know you'll need time to work it out. I'm prepared to be as patient as you need me to be. Just because I'm here doesn't mean you have to decide anything right away. I'm willing to let you set the pace."

"You mean until I come to my senses?"

Robin chuckled softly. "Something like that. At some point, you'll realize that I really do love you and that I want to love you for the rest of your life. Whether that takes weeks or months is up to you. But however long it turns out to be, I'll be here."

"How can you be so certain I'm the one for you?"

"Because I woke up next to love."

Maryl remembered how long it had taken to arrange the stones on the beach. She had had to work so quietly, afraid that Robin would wake and catch her.

"I know that you love me, Maryl, and I know that you're afraid to trust my love for you, but if you'll give me a chance, I'll prove it to you."

It was all becoming too much and Maryl knew if she didn't hang up soon she would start blubbering. "I should let you get back to bed. I only called to apologize."

"Okay. Get some sleep, Maryl. Call me whenever you need to talk, even if it's only about the weather."

"Good night, Robin."

~***~

When she woke, Janelle was lying on the other side of the bed watching her. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry I was such a jerk yesterday, but you've been behaving irrationally."

Maryl rolled to her back and stretched. "I'm probably not done."

"Thanks for the warning. Did you call her?"

Maryl stared at her ceiling and remembered. "Yes. What time is it?"

"A little after eleven. What did she say?"

"Can this conversation wait until I've had some coffee?"

Janelle sat up and crossed her legs. "I made some about an hour ago. By the way, what happened to your phone?"

"Long story," Maryl said as she threw the covers back and sat up. "My old phone is hooked up. It's under the edge of the bed." She stuck her feet in worn slippers and padded into the kitchen. Rupert had his nose pointed at the back door and she apologized to him before letting him out. The coffee was just as she liked it and she carried a steaming cup back to the bedroom. "You could have let Rupert out."

"He didn't ask me."

"I don't recall asking you in."

"You would have," Janelle said lightly, "but you were still asleep."

Maryl propped her pillows against the headboard and leaned back against it. She held her coffee with both hands and blew on it while considering what to say. She knew that Janelle was all but frothing at the mouth with anticipation and the idea of messing with her head before answering questions was too tempting to pass up. "You've been spending quite a bit of time in my bed recently. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"Oh, please," Janelle grimaced. "To start with, you don't have the right equipment?"

"I know where to buy it," Maryl interrupted.

Janelle blushed. "Can you buy a hairy chest, too?"

Maryl grinned. "Probably not, but I know a woman who?"

Janelle held her hands up in horrified protest. "I'd rather not know. If you're not going to tell me about Robin, I'm leaving. What did you talk about?"

Maryl sipped her coffee before speaking. "She loves me; she's not going to stalk me and she'll be patient."

"That's it?" Janelle spread her hands apart. "Where is she working? Where does she live? How long has she been here? Does she like dogs?"

"We didn't talk about any of that."

Janelle rolled her eyes. "Well, when are you going to see her?"

Maryl shrugged.

"You must know that it's inevitable," Janelle pointed out. "You've already seen her a couple of times and you didn't even know she was here. This isn't that big a city and you're going to run into her whether you like it or not. If it's accidental, you'll be taken off guard and she'll be in control while you blubber and blush. Is that what you want?"

"It's not about being in control," Maryl objected.

"Oh, yes, it is," Janelle said firmly. "Not of her, but of yourself. One of the things I've always admired about you is how persistently you pursue relationships. No matter what happens, you keep putting yourself out there in search of The One. Since you came home from the camping trip, you've changed. You stopped looking. It's like you found the one you want and no one else will do, but you refuse to go after her. Maybe you had a good excuse when she lived in Breining, but she's here now. Changing your whole life to be near someone is pretty serious. Don't you think?"

Maryl swung her legs out of bed and headed for the kitchen. "I don't want to think about this right now."

"See?" Janelle said as she followed. "That's so unlike you! You're usually so aggressive about understanding what's going on and now you run away and hide at every opportunity."

Maryl felt almost panicked at the pressure she was under. Her skin itched and she felt like crying and the urge to drive Janelle forcibly from her house was almost unbearable. She refilled her coffee cup and sat down at the table, determined to keep it under wraps.

Janelle pulled out the chair across from her and sat down. "You love her."

"I loved her," Maryl corrected.

"You still love her; you're just afraid of what that means. Call her."

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'm not ready."

"When will you be ready?"

"Maybe never."

Janelle's hands slammed down on the table. "Goddammit, Maryl! Someone is begging you to let her love you and you're acting like she's got the plague! Some of us aren't that lucky and it pisses me off!"

Maryl was momentarily stunned as Janelle burst into tears and ran from the room. In all the time they'd known each other, Maryl could count on one hand the number of times she had seen Janelle cry. The front door slammed and she shook her head before setting her cup on the table. She could hear the El Camino turning over, but as usual, it wouldn't start. Maryl ran outside and opened the car door. "Come back inside, Janelle."

"Why?"

Maryl looked around nervously. "Because I'm in my underwear."

Janelle put her hands together on the steering wheel and rested her forehead on them. "I don't know if Robin is the one for you," she choked, "but if any man ever did for me what she's done for you, I'd be the happiest woman alive."

"Come inside," Maryl repeated. "Come on." Janelle allowed herself to be drawn back into the house and Maryl poured her a cup of coffee before sitting down. Taking a guess, Maryl spoke. "I thought things were going well with Carlos."

Janelle wiped at her eyes. "Yeah, well, I knew things weren't right. I told you that. Remember?"

Maryl nodded. "What happened?"

"He met someone else." Janelle shrugged her shoulders. "He was fun, but I think I knew that it wouldn't go anywhere. It was just a matter of time."

"Still?I'm sorry."

Janelle's hands twisted uncomfortably. "I need you to see her."

"Why?" She asked in genuine confusion.

"Because you give me courage. The way you keep searching for the right woman gives me hope."

Maryl was almost speechless in surprise. "Hope?"

"I know I give you a hard time about The One. But it's only a cover so you won't know how lonely I am."

Maryl thought her heart might break for her friend. "Oh, Janelle?"

"I want you to succeed. I want you to find The One because when you do, it means that I can believe that there's a man out there who will love me back. I need to believe it. So when I see you pushing someone away, it makes me feel lost and hopeless. I'm not telling you to marry her-I'm saying that you should talk to her. Find out if she's The One for you. If she's not, then you can move on. But, I think that in your heart you know that she is The One. You've been searching for her all your life and now that she's here, you don't know what to do. It was different on the camping trip because you knew when it would be over. You could surrender your heart because you knew what would happen. Now you don't have that security."

Tears formed in Maryl's eyes at the accuracy of Janelle's words. "I'm scared that if I get to know her again I'll find out it was just an infatuation. I need to believe that it was love and that it could have lasted if things had been different."

"I understand what you're saying," Janelle said softly, "but things are different now. If she is The One, you can't let her go. She might be the only chance you ever have at a long term relationship."

"I don't know if I'm capable of having a long term relationship."

Janelle gripped her hand. "The truth is, you suck at short term relationships."

Maryl blinked.

"You do," Janelle insisted. "They all end in disaster. Maybe it's time to try something new. What's her track record?"

"I only know bits and pieces."

"Well?" Janelle urged.

"A one night stand and a twelve year relationship."

"Okay." Janelle seemed to perk up. "By moving here she's proved that your affair wasn't a one night stand. She wants more. She's had a long-term relationship and apparently she sees something in you that makes her think that it could work between the two of you. Go talk to her about it. Find out what she knows. Find out what she wants. It doesn't mean you have to fall into line with her plans."

Maryl took a deep breath and held it. If she hadn't wanted to see Robin, it would have been easy to say no. She was still afraid, but knowing that it really was inevitable made it a relief to acquiesce. "Okay."

Janelle slumped and put her head on the table. "Jeez, Maryl. You can be so stubborn that when you finally move it leaves me in need of medical attention."

Maryl considered her options. Her fear now was that she would immediately fall into Robin's arms and it would all unravel before she had the sense to figure out how she felt. Using her past as a guide how not to approach her, she tried to think how to make everything different. It seemed logical that if she wanted the relationship to be different from what she was used to, she would have to be different.

The sensible first step would be to meet her in a place that discouraged intimacy. Someplace casual and public, but comfortable. Rupert should come, too. They had never talked about pets and she needed to know up front if Robin had a problem with dogs. It occurred to her that she needed a second opinion of Robin-someone who could help her keep things in perspective. Janelle would be perfect for that.

Maryl existed inside of her anticipation. Now that she had decided, she was anxious to make things happen. "You have to come with me."

Janelle's head popped up and a grin formed. "I thought I would have to beg."

"I need someone to keep me grounded."

"You need a chaperone," Janelle teased.

"True," Maryl admitted. "But I also need a second opinion."

"You've got it. Can we call her now?"

Janelle followed her into the bedroom and paced as Maryl lifted the phone onto the bed. Her heart was in her throat and her hands started to shake. She closed her eyes in an effort to regain control of her emotions.

"Just do it," Janelle encouraged her. "It won't get easier, so do it fast. Don't think about it. It's just like ripping off a bandage."

Maryl lifted the handset and pushed redial. She felt faint as it rang. There was a hitch in the fourth ring and the tone changed. It rang twice more and she prepared to hang up when Robin's voice came on the line.

"Hello, Maryl."

She blinked in surprise. "How?How did you know it was me?"

"Caller ID. Can you hang on for a second?"

She nodded, knowing Robin couldn't see her, but unable to speak coherently. She looked up to see Janelle shifting her weight excitedly from side to side. The hope in her face was vivid and made Maryl her own nervousness ease. "I'm on hold," she explained.

"No, you're not," Robin's voice said softly in her ear. "I'm trying to get some privacy."

Maryl looked down at her bedspread and picked at a loose string. "Where are you?"

"Larry's Food Mart. In the produce section."

"I shop there," Maryl said for lack of anything better to say.

"Really? Can I ask why? As opposed to the other supermarkets in town, I mean."

Maryl was a little at odds at the direction the conversation was taking, but she did her best to answer honestly. "Mostly because it's closest to where I live, but it also has the best meat section and the prices are competitive."

"Have you ever noticed that the produce section doesn't smell like produce?"

She had to think about it, but she realized that Robin was right. "Why is that?"

"Nothing is vine ripened. They pick it green and use gases to make it look ripe, but the texture is still green. Okay. I'm alone." A smile entered her voice. "I didn't expect to hear from you so soon. Did you get any sleep?"

Maryl tried to ignore Janelle's curiosity. "Yeah. I just got up. Um?I was wondering if?maybe we could?meet somewhere. Just for a little bit." She felt like an inexperienced teenager asking for a dance and it made her blush. "If you have time?"

"Of course I have time," Robin said gently. "Where?"

"The park?"

"Which one?"

"Riverside. It's at the foot of Seventh Street."

"What time?"

Maryl looked up at her friend. "Two o'clock?" Janelle nodded vigorously.

"Sounds good. What are you going to wear?"

"Huh?"

"Should I be casual or dressy-butch or femme? Do you have a preference?"

Maryl was at a loss and it suddenly reminded her that she had to figure out what she was going to wear. "What are you wearing now?"

"Sort of casually professional."

"That sounds fine."

"Okay. See you soon."

Maryl nodded and hung up.

"Tell," Janelle demanded.

Maryl covered her mouth and tried to steady her heart rate. "What am I going to wear?"

Janelle bounced over to her closet. "Why don't you take a shower and I'll pick something out for you."

Part Four

"Are you sure about this?"

Janelle elbowed her. "You look sexy. Can you see her?"

Maryl had picked a bench in the middle of the park, their backs to the river so she could see Robin as soon as she arrived. She wasn't happy with the old, faded blue jeans Janelle had insisted she wear though they were extremely comfortable. A white angora sweater and sneakers completed the outfit, but she felt like she was wearing hand-me-downs. Rupert's leash was wrapped in one fist and he lay under the bench waiting for her to drop it so he could go chase ducks.

"She's going to think I don't have any nice clothes," Maryl whined.

"Trust me," Janelle said absently. "I would kill to have your ass and those jeans set it off perfectly."

"You stare at my ass?"

"I don't stare at it. I just notice it."

Maryl was very nervous and any distraction was a good one. "It's noticeable? Why didn't you ever tell me? All this time I've been walking around with a huge ass and you never said anything?"

Janelle sighed in frustration. "It's not huge, Maryl. Calm down. It's just perfect. That's why it's noticeable."

Maryl loved giving Janelle a hard time. That it was so easy to do took away none of her enjoyment in it. "What about my breasts? Are they noticeable, too?"

"They're fine."

"Fine? This is just great. My ass is too big and my tits are too small and my best friend of seven years doesn't bother to tell me until it's too late to do anything about it."

Janelle looked like she was going to bite. "You lesbians are all the same. Trying to ensnare innocent women with your filthy homosexual ways."

"Hey," Maryl laughed. "You're the one who started talking about my ass. And since when do you claim to be innocent?"

"I wasn't talking about me." Janelle pointed past her. "Is that her?"

Maryl's heart thumped wildly until she saw it was a false alarm. "No. And don't point. Didn't your mother teach you any manners at all? I'll tell you when I see her."

When the moment came, however, she watched her walk halfway across the park before she admitted it was Robin. In her heart, she knew it was Robin immediately, but her brain just wouldn't admit the truth. She was wearing pressed gray slacks and a white blouse with a dark blue blazer and she looked elegant and self-assured. Maryl felt like a bum in her jeans.

"Is that her?" Janelle asked in a hushed voice. "Wow."

Maryl's emotions tangled themselves into an indecipherable mess. Speech was completely beyond her. All she could see was Robin's smile. Even talking to her on the phone had not prepared her for the power of her feelings. She had never quite believed that she was here, but the proof was standing in front of her and she was helpless.

Rupert seemed to sense that something was happening and came out from under the bench to investigate. Maryl watched as Robin reached down to him in slow motion and let him smell her hand. Golden brown eyes came up and drilled into her.

"Hi, Maryl."

The voice, the eyes, the clothes, the impossibility of it all made Maryl feel like she was going to faint. Even Janelle's elbow in her ribs had no effect.

Janelle snorted at her and took over. "My name is Janelle. I'm her best friend."

Maryl watched as they shook hands.

"Robin. And who is this?" She crouched and let Rupert lick her face.

"His name is Rupert," Janelle said with a worried glance at Maryl. "He's Maryl's dog. Do you like dogs?"

"Yes, I do," she crooned to Rupert, her hands buried in his thick fur. "Aren't you a handsome lad? Have you been taking good care of your mom? You have? What a good little prince you are." She stood up and smiled at Maryl before turning her attention to Janelle. "Are you here to protect her? Just curious? Maybe to give a second opinion?"

"All of the above," Janelle grinned.

"Maybe we should get something to eat and you can grill me about my intentions. Maryl looks like she could use a drink and I'm leaning in that direction myself. Is there an outdoor place that will allow Rupert?"

"There's a good Mexican place around the corner. What do you think, Maryl?"

Maryl nodded dumbly and stood up when prompted. She knew she was behaving badly, but she was so numb she was almost paralyzed. Robin walked to her side and a little forward and as they left the park Maryl reached forward without thinking about it and took the so familiar hand in her own. The world stopped spinning when Robin squeezed her fingers and she began to feel more normal. Janelle was grinning at her and Maryl stuck her tongue out.

They had no trouble getting a table on the veranda. Late October tended to be rather cold and no one else was willing to brave the elements. Rupert was more than happy to lie under the table where he was most likely to receive treats. The waitress brought a round of beer and took their orders before Janelle started in.

"So what are your intentions?"

Robin leaned forward on her elbows and answered seriously. "I know it may seem obsessive and impulsive for me to say this considering I've only known Maryl for a few days, but if she'll have me, I intend to make a home with her. I want to spend the rest of our lives together."

Janelle stopped with a beer halfway to her mouth. "Just like that?"

Robin chuckled and pushed a piece of lime into the mouth of her beer bottle. "Nothing is ever that easy-I know that. Maryl seems to have a great deal more sense than I do at this point. I'm perfectly willing to dive right in, but I know that's irrational. I know we need to learn more about each other. I came here because I can't live without knowing if my feelings for her are real. I mean, I know they're real, but I feel in my gut that Maryl is the woman I want to marry and make a life with. I can't walk away from that without knowing. I moved here to give us a chance to find out if it's possible."

In some distant corner of her awareness, it bothered Maryl that she was being talked about as if she weren't there, but it also gave her an opportunity to just soak in Robin's words: to hear what she was thinking and feeling without having to express her own tangled emotions. Her hand still tingled from holding Robin's and she calmly studied her body's desire to crawl into Robin's arms. She knew it would be exciting and safe and perfect, but she held back.

Janelle took a chip from the bowl in the middle of the table and scooped up salsa. "What took you so long? It's been what-two months?" She popped the chip in her mouth.

"Eight weeks exactly," Robin said with a meaningful look at Maryl. "I've been very busy. I had to quit one job and find another. I didn't have a lot of furniture to move, but finding a place to live and moving what I do have took some coordination. I've been easing into my job and buying furniture and kitchen stuff?It's been crazy. I wanted to be settled before I contacted you. I didn't want to blow into town without being prepared to stay. I couldn't just knock on your door and expect you to take me in. You asked me not to come here and I let you believe I wouldn't, so I feel a bit like I broke my word."

Janelle spoke before Maryl could and Robin shifted her gaze. "Where do you live?"

"On Spruce, between Jasper and Granite, in a little two bedroom place."

"And where are you working?"

Robin sat back with a proud smile. "I'm the new manager at Larry's Food Mart."

Maryl's smile sneaked up on her and burst out with a laugh. "No way."

"It's true," Robin said with pleasure. "Getting here was time-consuming, but everything seemed to go exactly in my favor. When I gave notice at my old job and told my boss where I was moving, he just happened to know the owner of Larry's-he's not named Larry, by the way-and that he was looking for a new manager. He put in a good word for me and here I am. My new assistant knew about a rental and just like that I had a place to live. The universe has been nothing but helpful in getting me here."

"How did you find me?" Maryl asked.

"I spent the better part of a week calling doctor's offices. You said a medical group, but I wasn't sure if it was a group or just a couple of doctors sharing space, so I called everyone asking for you until I heard your voice. I parked at the hospital and hid in a bush to see if it was really you. You were wearing a black skirt and a blouse with bright flowers on it-you looked really great, by the way-and I saw which car was yours. I was so happy and relieved I sat there and cried."

"Why didn't you just come in and say hello?"

"I didn't know if you would want to see me and I didn't think it was appropriate to surprise you at work."

"You could have come by my house."

"I don't know where you live. I still don't know your last name even. I'm not a stalker, Maryl. I left you the note because I wanted you to be in charge of what happened next."
The waitress came back with their food and the conversation halted while they sorted everything out and got another round of beer. Maryl couldn't remember drinking hers, but the bottle was empty. She resolved to pay more attention-not just to Robin, but to herself. "What about your family?" She asked with concern. "Do they hate me now?"

Robin laughed. "On the contrary. They call me everyday to find out if I've seen you and give me advice on what to do next."

"But??"

"They'll always be my family, Maryl. We'll always be close regardless of where I live. Besides, if you stick to the freeway, it's only a 3-½ hour drive. They're looking at it as having a new place to spend the weekends. Julian and his brood came down last weekend and Mom wants to come sometime next month. They're fine with this. They want me to be happy and they really liked you."

Robin seemed completely confident in regards to her family and Maryl nodded her acceptance. Janelle cleared her throat.

"What do you like to do for fun?"

Robin poured hot sauce on her food liberally. "I ride a bike to stay in shape and I like to play golf now and then. I like dancing and dinner parties. I'm quite good at Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, but I don't always get to watch them. I read when I have time. I'm thinking about taking a pottery class that starts next month at the high school. I like working with my hands." Robin shrugged. "What do you like to do, Janelle?"

Maryl watched Robin eat while Janelle rattled on about her life. Robin glanced at her now and then with a small smile meant just for her. Maryl ate absently while she stared and compared how Robin looked now to how she had remembered her. Her hair seemed longer, especially around her face and her eyes were even more golden than she remembered. She studied Robin's hands, the feel of them on her skin somehow more than a memory. It all became a bit overwhelming.

"Excuse me." Maryl got up and quickly made her way to the restroom. She splashed cold water on her face, but it didn't help at all. Neither did deep, even breathing. Part of her wanted to hide in the restroom until someone came looking for her, but she hated being so dramatic. She forced herself into a semblance of calm and went back to the table.

She sat down just as Robin asked Janelle, "Do you like kids?"

"Sure. Who doesn't?"

"I mean?Would you date a man with a kid?"

"I have. It usually doesn't work out." Janelle waved her fork around airily. "If they live with the mother they hate me. It's like they think it's my fault that their parents have split up. If they live with the father, he seems to think it's my duty to mother them. It irritates the hell out of me when I'm expected to want to clean a man's house just because he bought me dinner. I don't like cleaning my own house. And most parents are raising the most awful children. They seem to think that the more their kids express themselves, the better parents they are. What they can't see is that they encourage their children to behave badly and call it self-expression."

Robin was grinning at Janelle's frustration. "I've got a guy in the meat department with a six-year-old boy you might want to check out. He's a widower. I don't really know too much about him and he's not the most attractive man in the world, but he's got a ready smile and he's very easy to like. His son is adorable and they're like best friends. I don't think Jerry is the type to dump the responsibility for his son on whomever he's dating. He seems to be having too much fun being a parent for that. You might like him. He's tall and fit and he has red hair. He's off today, but he works tomorrow."

"Thanks, Robin. I'll go check him out."

There was a moment of silence that threatened to become uncomfortable and Janelle took advantage of it to make her own trip to the restroom. Maryl watched her go, knowing that Robin was looking at her and suddenly afraid of being alone with her.

"Are you all right?"

Maryl reluctantly met Robin's eyes. "I don't know. I can't decide if you're a dream come true or a nightmare in the making."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You're not hurting me. I just don't know what to do. This wasn't what I expected."

Robin nodded. "I know. I've been told I have a tendency to be reckless and impulsive. Some people find it irritating, but it's actually one of the things I like about myself." She put an elbow on the table and leaned her chin on her hand. "You know what I miss most?"

Maryl shook her head.

"I miss talking. It was all wonderful, but I miss talking with you. With most people I wait for my chance to talk, but with you I was just as happy to listen. I miss that."

Maryl reached out and took Robin's hand from her chin. "I missed you, too."

Robin's eyes were like lasers. "I had myself convinced that you couldn't possibly be as lovely as my memories, but you are. And it's not just because I love you. You are beautiful."

"My God," Maryl breathed dizzily. "It would be so easy to surrender to you. I could slide into your arms and it would be months before I could form a coherent thought. Do you have any idea how tempting that is?"

Robin laced their fingers together. "I know exactly how tempting it is, but I won't be satisfied with a few months, Maryl. I won't be happy with anything but the rest of our lives."

"How can you be so sure that I'm the one for you?"

"I just am."

Maryl could see in Robin's expression that she really did love her. There was an element of passion in her eyes, but her gaze was different from any other woman who had ever looked at her before. There was a calm certainty in her face and bearing that made her wholly believable. It was almost enough to convince Maryl that she should feel the same way. She kept her fingers entwined with Robin's, but leaned back and closed her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she put reins on her feelings and pulled them back. "It scares me that you changed your whole life for me." She opened her eyes to see a vague smile on Robin's lips.

"I didn't change my life. You did. I only shifted some of the details."

Before Maryl could say more, Janelle returned.

"Halloween is next week," Robin said to the both of them. "The store is hosting a booth in the craft fair at the fairgrounds. It would be great if you could drop by."

"We still have to work that day," Janelle said with a pleased look at their clasped hands. "Maybe we could stop by at lunch?"

Maryl nodded and forced a smile.

Robin squeezed her fingers before letting go. "I should get back to work." She reached into her blazer and pulled out a checkbook. She took out a fifty-dollar bill and dropped it on the table. "Lunch is on me this time." She pushed her chair back and patted her legs to encourage Rupert to put his feet up.

Maryl watched as Robin buried her hands in Rupert's ruff and whispered into his ear. She could feel his tail wagging against her knees and smiled at his eagerness. Robin stopped whispering and when she looked over at Maryl, Rupert did, too. Maryl laughed and wondered what the secret was. "What did you tell him?"

Robin merely chuckled and fed Rupert a bite of her lunch. She stood up and reached a hand out to Janelle. "It was really nice to meet you. Don't forget to have a look at Jerry."

"I won't. Thanks for lunch."

Maryl fought the urge to ask her to stay, but when Robin's hand settled briefly on her shoulder, she looked up into the golden eyes. "Call me."

Robin hesitated. "Are you sure?"

Maryl nodded and Robin's smile made her skin prickle. She watched her walk away with her long, casual stride and put a hand to her heart to ease the pain of longing she felt. "What am I going to do?"

"I like her," Janelle said simply.

Maryl reached for her beer. "Don't start nagging me," she warned.

"I won't, but you did bring me at least in part for a second opinion. So here it is. I like her and she's not just some silly twit who only has the hots for you. She's a grown-up. This is the kind of woman who you can make a life with. I can see why you're so scared. You'll have to be the best you can be with her because that's what she'll give to you. Of all the women you've been with, I respect this one the most and that's all I'm going to say about her."

Maryl gave a dry chuckle. "Right. You'll be nagging me in no time."

"We'll see."

~***~

Maryl was sitting on her bed Sunday evening with the stereo on low as she painted her toenails. She let the phone ring four times before answering it. "Hello."

"Hi," Robin said. Maryl could hear the smile in it. "What are you doing?"

"Painting my toenails."

"Hmm. What color?"

"Twenty-dollar-a-pop-prostitute-red." Maryl's ear burned deliciously with Robin's laughter. "What are you doing?"

"Thinking about all of the things I didn't ask you."

Maryl held the phone between her ear and her shoulder and propped her chin on her knee while she went back to polishing. "Such as?"

"Are you seeing anyone?"

Maryl smiled. "A couple of women asked me out, but I turned them down."

"How come?"

Maryl opened her mouth to say something clever, but the truth came out. "They weren't you." The line was so quiet that she began to wonder if they had been disconnected. "I didn't intend to say that."

"Is it true?"

"Yes," Maryl admitted. "What else did you want to ask me?"

"Are you mad at me for moving here?"

"Not exactly."

"Do you want me to leave?"

Maryl's fingers stilled and she considered it. Having Robin near was wrenching, but the idea of having her go away was even more devastating. "No."

Robin's sigh was clear over the open line. "What a relief!"

"Would you have gone if I asked you to?" Maryl held her breath while waiting for the answer.

"I don't know. I'd like to be able to say that I'd do anything you asked, but my career would be in the toilet if I tried to back out now. Whether I'm with you or not, I have to make a living."

Maryl was secretly pleased with this answer. More than once her lovers had quit their jobs in the mistaken belief that she would take care of them.

"Is there anyone I should ask for permission to court you?"

Maryl chuckled. "That sounds a little old fashioned, Robin."

"Perhaps."

Brushing her hair back over her shoulders, Maryl capped the polish and set it aside. "So. You want to court me. What exactly are you asking for?"

"Well, I'm not sure if I can ask you out or give you flowers. I don't want to push you, but I don't want to sit back and let you think that I'm not interested either."

"You need parameters, then?"

"Yes, please."

Maryl stretched her feet out to let her toes dry and lay back on the bed. "Okay, let's see. Work is work. I can't do my job if you're always calling me there. It'll mess with my concentration and probably get me in trouble. You can call me there if it's unavoidable-if you'll be late, for instance-but not to chit chat."

"Agreed. But my job is a little different. First, I'm the boss so I won't get in trouble. I'm working long, odd hours right now so you can call me whenever. I have call-forwarding. If I can't talk I'll turn off my cell phone and you can leave a message."

"Good. I guess the next issue is money. I don't want you trying to buy me with gifts. I know you probably make a lot more than I do, so don't rub it in."

Robin was quiet for a moment. "I promise not to go overboard, but if I want to spend money on you, I will."

Maryl knew there wasn't much she could do to stop her if she was determined, but she had to bite her tongue to keep from arguing just on general principles. "What do you consider overboard?"

"We're not counting date money, are we?"

"I guess not," Maryl conceded. "But I think the one who invites should pay."

"Deal. I suppose I could limit any other spending to not more than $100 a week."

Maryl gasped. "A hundred dollars? Whoa! Let's try twenty."

"You can't even get a dozen long-stemmed roses for that," Robin objected. "Fifty."

"I don't like roses," Maryl said stubbornly. "Twenty-five."

"Thirty-five. That's only five dollars a day."

Maryl punched her pillow in exasperation. "That's $150 a month, Robin. It's too much."

"Thirty. And I get to roll over what I don't spend each week."

"Twenty-five and you can roll it around all you want."

"Fine," Robin grunted. "But we get to renegotiate in December."

Maryl knew what Robin was thinking and she just had to give her a hard time. "January. Christmas will be a separate negotiation-if we're still speaking."

"I can live with that. If you ever want a job as a buyer, just let me know. You're tough."

"Only when I have to be," Maryl smiled. "Do you need any more rules?"

"Can I kiss you?"

Maryl wanted to scream yes. "You haven't even asked me out yet."

"Are your toenails dry?"

Maryl laughed. "Nice try, Robin."

"Okay. Next Sunday the Chamber of Commerce is having a fundraiser. They only sold a total of 100 tickets. It's semi-formal and they're holding it in the showroom of the Ford dealership out by the highway. My predecessor bought two tickets and I've inherited them. There'll be food and wine and after dinner they're raffling off donations from local businesses. As near as I can tell there's a better than even chance that one of us could win something. But before you consider it, I need you to understand that as pleasurable as it would be to spend some time with you, it's also an important business opportunity for the store. I need to start making contacts and arranging mutual favors with other business leaders. Part of why I'll be there is to mingle and introduce myself. If you don't want to go, I'll ask my assistant, but I'd rather share it with you."

Maryl wasn't sure what to say. She had grown up trying to live up to the expectations of her father's social and political maneuvering. Her childhood was still a sore spot for her and she hadn't considered that being with Robin would entail living on the periphery of that life. On the other hand; that Robin was willing to turn her first such event in Edgewater into her own personal coming out intimated that she would be nothing like Maryl's father. "Are you sure coming out so soon is in your best interest?"

"It's not about coming out," Robin said. "Besides, we won't be the only lesbians there. The county librarian is going to be there with her girlfriend."

"I know Maureen and Shine. How do you know them?"

"I don't. I heard about them through the grapevine."

"If it's not about coming out, then why?"

Robin sighed. "See now, it's just not fair that I always have to explain my fantasies to you. At some point you just have to let me arrange things so I can live them out without having to negotiate them first."

Maryl was completely confused. "What fantasy? What are you talking about?"

"I want to see you in a dress," Robin admitted with just a touch of chagrin. "I want to be so distracted at having you on my arm that I can't remember my name. I want to see the envy on their faces and know that if I'm lucky and treat you right that you might kiss me afterwards."

Maryl remembered how Robin had similarly disarmed her on the river over the bathing products and her skin seemed to dissolve from the inside out. "Well, since you put it that way?"

"How do you always know when I've got something in mind?"

"I don't. You just cave too easy. I think you like letting me know that you're fantasizing about me. Do I get to tell you what to wear?"

"When you ask me out, I'll wear anything you want."

"Promise?"

"My word of honor."

~***~

Maryl's hands were steady, but her stomach was in chaos. Robin would be arriving soon and her nerves were in complete disarray. She tried to ignore her unease and concentrated on the cosmetic highlights she was applying to her face. Satisfied with the results, she checked her dress in the full-length mirror behind the bathroom door.
Maryl had chosen a midnight blue cocktail dress that left most of her back bare; counting on her hair to keep her suitably modest. She enjoyed dressing up like this, but she usually only had to worry about pleasing her date. Tonight, Robin would be judged by how she looked and acted. This was what had her in turmoil.

Until she had moved away from her family, all of Maryl's life had been a reflection on the people around her. She had felt that it was her job as a child to make her parents look good and she couldn't shake the feeling that Robin expected it of her, too. Resentment found a home in her temperament and she hung onto it as a way to protect her heart.

Tossing a coat over a chair next to the front door, Maryl went to the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee. She and Robin had enjoyed several long midnight talks during the week. But, best of all had been seeing her at the store's free pumpkin painting booth at the fairgrounds on Halloween. Robin had been dressed as a scarecrow and Maryl had worn her high school cheerleading outfit. Aside from being taller now than she had been as a teenager, it had fit very well and Robin had offered to find a football uniform if she ever wanted to make out behind the bleachers. The pumpkin she had painted that day, as well as the cheerful bouquet of flowers she had received at work the day before Halloween sat together on her dining table and she studied them fondly while she waited.

The doorbell brought a flutter of nerves and she put her cup in the sink before going to the front door. She looked through the peephole and saw Robin dressed in dark slacks, a creamy satin blouse and a classy brown leather jacket. Maryl couldn't remember if she had ever seen a woman look so aggressively butch and suggestively femme at the same time. Taking a deep breath, she shook her hair back and opened the door.

Robin's eyes opened wide as they looked her over. "Holy cow," she said reverently.

Maryl blushed with guilty pleasure. "Was this what you had in mind?"

"No," Robin blurted. "I hoped, but this?? You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

Maryl's doubt and resentment about the night ahead flared up. "Good. I didn't want to make you look bad in front of the people at the fundraiser." The tone of her voice didn't come out as casual as she had hoped and Robin's head pulled back. She felt petty now and spoke quickly to try to take some of the sting out of her words. "You look incredible. Very sexy."

"I'm glad you think so," Robin said ambiguously. "I'm not too butch?"

"No," Maryl said softly. "You look just right." She handed her coat to Robin and eased her arms into it. With a final pat on Rupert's head she locked the door and let Robin hand her into the car. She stared quietly out the window as Robin drove, completely comfortable with her driving skills.

"Are you okay?" Robin asked into the silence.

"Sure," Maryl nodded.

Robin glanced at her uncertainly. "Would you tell me if you weren't? Because I kind of get the feeling that something's not right."

Maryl shook her head with a forced smile and stared back out the window. "I'm fine." Several blocks passed and Robin suddenly pulled into a parking lot and shut off the engine. "What??"

"Tell me what's wrong."

Maryl sighed in frustration and pushed her hair behind one ear. She just wanted to get there, get it over with and get on with her life. She didn't want to talk about it because she suspected she was being silly. Plus, she knew that once she got there she would probably enjoy herself whether she intended to or not. "Nothing's wrong, Robin."

"Are you worried what those people will think of you? Trust me when I tell you that you've got nothing to worry about."

"That's not it?"

"So it is something," Robin said. "I can tell by looking at your face that you aren't happy, Maryl."

"You can not," Maryl objected.

"Can so. You might as well tell me now because I intend to stay here until you do."

Maryl stubbornly set her jaw and stared into Robin's eyes. Several minutes passed in silence and she began to think that Robin would never bend. With a slow, deep breath, Maryl gave up. "I grew up as an ornament on the family tree. I don't want to be your ornament, too."

Robin's mouth fell open and her shoulders slumped.

"I know I'm probably being stupid," Maryl continued. "It's just a fundraiser, but I worked hard to get away from the kind of life where I had to be concerned about living up to the expectations of strangers and people I don't respect. If a life with you means that I have to be the proper, politically correct wife at endless social functions, then I need to know now."

Robin looked horrified. "You think I want you to be a?a decoration to make myself look good?"

"Don't you?"

Robin buried her face in her hands with a groan. "No. How could I have made such a mess of things?" She turned in her seat so she could face Maryl. "I wanted to impress you with the kind of life I could offer you. I didn't want you to think being with me would be a life on the edge of obscurity. I know you grew up in the Country Club set. Well, I grew up in the Bowling Alley set and I was afraid that you would be disappointed. I only wanted to show you that we could have whatever kind of life you want. Being with me doesn't necessarily mean you would be settling for less than you're used to."

Maryl's resentment began to thaw. "You're right. I had the Country Club life. I hated it and I hated the people who made me live it. I looked at the Bowling Alley set with envy. Important people just make me mad because they can't see value beyond their own tightly protected egos. I thought you invited me so that you could use me to impress those people. I know that sounds vain on my part, but?"

"You will impress them," Robin interrupted, "but that's not why I asked you to go with me. I don't care if they're impressed or not. All I care about is getting to spend time with you and I thought that this was something that you would enjoy doing. In fact, we don't have to go. We can do anything you want. Just let me spend some time with you. Please?"

Maryl's doubts disappeared like smoke in a high wind. The car's interior suddenly seemed close and intimate and she was struck once again at how sexy Robin looked. "If someone is obnoxious or stupid, can I say what I really think?"

"Of course you can. Why would you think you couldn't?"

"Do I have to dance with old fat guys?"

"No old fat guys. Or young skinny guys. In fact, no guys at all."

"Can I pig out on the food?"

Robin laughed. "We'll just drag our chairs right up to the buffet and scandalize the whole damn town."

Maryl smiled. "Okay. Let's go."

~***~

Watching Robin as she moved from one introduction to another was fascinating. She didn't wait for people to come to her; she sought them out. Maryl was impressed at her aggressive warmth and how it disarmed people. Robin seemed to think it was obvious she was gay and that everyone already knew. Those who might have objected acted as though it was too late for them to have a problem with it. The first time someone's face expressed displeasure at Robin's introduction of Maryl as her date, Robin had merely said, "When life hands you lemons?" and shrugged as though it were all beyond her control. Several minutes later the older gentleman was acting as though Robin's sexuality was his own idea. Maryl wasn't sure how it had happened, but it was impressive.

At one point Maryl took two glasses of wine from a passing waiter and handed one to Robin. She almost choked on her own when Robin's hand found her bare back and lingered softly along her spine. The arousal on Robin's face was breathtaking and it took all of Maryl's willpower to keep from kissing her. "Don't look at me like that," she whispered.

"Like what?" Robin whispered back.

"Like you're two seconds away from?from making love to me."

"But, I am."

Maryl's breasts were aching to be touched and she couldn't get enough air in her lungs. The temptation to place Robin's hands where she wanted them was almost too much to bear. She looked around the room for a hidden corner in which to at least kiss her, but didn't see one. She did, however, see Maureen and Shine heading straight for them. She didn't know either woman very well, but they had met on several occasions and she was anxious for Robin to meet them.

"There are some women I want you to meet," she whispered to Robin. "But as soon as I find a place for us to be alone, I'm going to kiss you."

Robin's hand slid up under her hair and rubbed her back in soft slow circles. "I'll keep my eyes out for a likely spot."

Hello, Maryl!"

She turned with a smile. "Hi, Shine. Maureen-it's always nice to see you."

"I can't tell you what a relief it is to not be the only gay couple here tonight," Maureen grinned. "Sometimes the only thing that keeps me coming to these events is knowing that it's more distressing for them than it is for me."

Robin laughed and Maryl hugged her arm possessively. "Allow me to introduce my date. This is Robin Griffith. She's the new manager at Larry's Food Mart. Robin, this is Maureen Baird-the County Librarian-and Shine Avery. She's a disc jockey at Magic 95."

Robin shook hands with both women, but lingered at Shine. "If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who voices our commercials."

"I am," Shine admitted.

"I'd like to get together with you sometime and discuss some ideas about an advertising scheme I'm rolling around in my head."

"Good, because I've got to tell you-I'm pretty sick of what we're running now."

Maryl caught Maureen's eye and grinned. Maureen smiled back with understanding and slipped her arm around Shine's waist. "I've been hearing good things about your booth at the Halloween fair," she said to Robin. "Very clever. The children liked it, but the parents-especially the mothers-were very impressed."

Robin's intent gaze belied the grin she wore and Maryl knew she was focused entirely on business. "Really? What are they saying?"

"They know it was an advertising gimmick, but they liked that there was at least one activity available for their children that didn't cost them an arm and a leg. I think you'll find that a lot of them will visit your store just to show their appreciation."

"Excellent," Robin said. "We've been hearing good things at the store as well. I'm working on ideas for Christmas and if that goes well, perhaps we can do something for Easter and the Fourth of July."

Shine spoke up. "Maybe we could do a live remote on the air for the Christmas booth. I'll talk to the General Manager and see what I can arrange."

Robin nodded happily. "That would be great."

Maryl noticed that the buffet line was forming and her stomach growled. The other women looked at her and she grinned. "I'm hungry. What can I say?"

They joined the line as a group and visited while they waited. Filling their plates from the large variety of foods, Shine found a small table where they could sit together. Robin took off her jacket and hung it on her chair before sitting down and Maryl wanted to rub herself all over the satin shirt she wore. Sliding her chair a little closer, she put her hand on Robin's thigh.

Halfway through dinner, the emcee stood up and began talking. Maryl used his distraction to pull Robin's chair a little closer so she could run her hand over the slender shoulders. She could just feel the scar on Robin's back through the thin blouse and she slowly stroked it with her fingers. Ignoring the speech he gave about community activities and goals and the list of businesses that donated the evening's prizes, Maryl focused on the pleasure she felt in just being close to Robin. That she wanted Robin sexually was no longer an idea she fought against. That she loved her was harder to accept, but she knew it was true.

Maryl's primary fear was still that what she felt would turn out to be an illusion or, a few months down the road, Robin would change her mind about her feelings for Maryl. Knowing it wasn't fair to deliberately entice Robin when she didn't intend to follow through, she reluctantly stilled her fingers, then pulled them back to her lap. She tried to smile when Robin looked at her curiously.

Robin half rose from her chair and moved it right next to Maryl. Sitting back down, she put her arm around her shoulders and leaned in to whisper. "Why did you stop?"

Maryl could smell her clean scent. "I don't want to be a tease."

"Even if I enjoy it?" Reaching into her slacks, Robin pulled out their ticket stubs and held them up. "Choose one."

Maryl picked one at random, a little disconcerted at the abrupt change in conversation. "What's this for?"

"They're starting the drawings. If you win something it's yours to keep."

Maureen was the first of their group to win a prize. She came back to the table with a pewter-edged crystal serving platter and seemed very pleased. Maryl could see why. It was a beautiful piece.

Maryl's number was one of the last to be called and she jumped up in excitement. Her prize was in an envelope and as she accepted it, the emcee informed the crowd that she had just won a dawn ride for two in a hot air balloon. Maryl's adrenaline level went through the roof. Thanking everyone on the makeshift stage, she all but skipped back to Robin's side. "Did you hear that? I won a balloon ride! You'll come with me, won't you?"

Robin smiled. "If you want me to."

Maryl hugged her impulsively and sat down. Holding out the envelope, she showed it to Shine and Maureen. "A balloon ride!"

Shine laughed. "You'll love it, but make sure you dress warm. It gets really cold up there. Especially this time of year."

"You've been up in one?"

"Many times," Shine said with a fond smile. "I've even bungee jumped and parachuted out of them."

"I am not jumping out of it," Robin said firmly.

Maryl glanced at Robin before explaining to the other women. "She had a bad experience with parachuting as a child."

"Someone took a child parachuting?" Maureen asked in horror.

"Not exactly," Robin grimaced.

Maryl sat back and let her hand trail over Robin's thigh as she recounted her adventure for them.

~***~

"I like them," Robin said on the way back to Maryl's house. "If I invite them to have dinner with us sometime, would that be okay with you?"

"Sure." Maryl was just drunk enough to feel good without being at all out of control. Robin had only had one glass of wine early on in the evening so that she could drive and Maryl watched her capable hands on the steering wheel. She had yet to see a ring on one of those fingers and wondered if Robin ever wore one.

"I'm glad you won something," Robin said into the silence. "Did you have a good time?"

"Yes, I did."

"I didn't ignore you too much?"

Maryl lay her head back against the seat and studied Robin's profile. "Not at all."

"Did I ever make you feel like a trophy?"

"You made me feel beautiful," Maryl said in a soft voice. "When can I kiss you?"

Robin's hands tightened on the steering wheel and she coughed. "I thought I should at least get you home first."

She could see a pulse in Robin's throat and knew from the intensity with which she watched the road that she was scared and excited all at once. For some reason, this made Maryl feel even calmer and more in control. "Pull over, Robin. I don't want to wait that long."

Robin obediently guided the car to the curb and turned off the motor. "I remember the last time we did this," she said with a shaky voice.

Maryl released her seat belt and reached for Robin. "So do I." Their lips met tentatively and she buried a hand in dark hair to hold their mouths together. It seemed only a few moments and they were kissing deeply: lips slipping wetly and tongues delving in a sensuous dance. Desire grabbed Maryl by the throat and shook her roughly. She strained to be closer, but the agony of need in her chest and throat were inescapable and she whimpered into the hungry mouth that was laying claim to her very soul.

They pulled away from each other simultaneously and Maryl could see the desire she felt mirrored in Robin's eyes. "I'm sorry," she blurted out.

"Don't be," Robin gasped. "Don't ever be sorry about this. It's magnificent."

Maryl cautiously put a trembling hand on Robin's arm. "No. I'm just sorry we have to stop."

Robin managed a weak smile. "I'm not. But we should go."

The ache of unrelieved passion only sharpened as Robin drove her home. Her hands were still shaking as she tried to unlock her front door and Robin finally took pity on her and did it for her. With her hands free, Maryl slid a hand underneath the leather jacket and rubbed Robin's back. "I'm sorry," she repeated.

Robin left the keys in the door and pulled her in for a hug. "I'm glad we still have these feelings for each other," she whispered. "I was terrified that the magic would be gone. Please don't apologize to me."

"I don't want you to hurt."

Robin's hands were in her hair and her breath was tickling Maryl's ear. "It hurts good."

The words sounded like a dare to Maryl and she arched into Robin's lean body. Pulling at the back of the satin shirt she slipped her hands inside and ran her hands up the delicate flesh of her back. Robin groaned and captured her mouth for a turbulent kiss, then grasped her hands and forced her to stop.

"Are you okay?" Robin rasped.

Maryl nodded, not at all sure that it was true. Her hands itched to touch Robin and her breasts and groin were throbbing. If not for Robin holding her hands firmly she would have torn someone's clothes off-her own if Robin were uncooperative.

Robin shook her head slowly. "You want me. I can see it. Can you see how much I want you, too?" Maryl nodded again, sure this time. Her hands were pinned at her sides as Robin moved in to kiss her throat. "We could make love tonight, but you would regret it in the morning. I couldn't live with that, Maryl."

She knew that Robin was right and that when her body cooled she would be grateful for her strength in this moment, but the agony of it brought tears to her eyes. "When can I see you again?"

"Whenever you want. Just crook your finger and I'll come running."

Maryl lay her head on Robin's shoulder and willed herself to relax. Her hands were gradually released and she loosely circled them around Robin's waist. Their bodies began to sway and a feeling of utter contentment filled her. "I could do this all night," she murmured.

"What would your neighbors say?"

Maryl had lived in the same house the entire time she had lived in Edgewater. She thought back and couldn't remember a single time she had kissed a woman goodnight on her porch. Aside from the occasional struggle to get the door open, all of the sexual and emotional intimacy she had engaged in had been inside the house. It made her sad to think that all her neighbors had ever seen had been the arguing and the heartbreak at the end of her relationships. Recalling the number of women she had allowed inside, she felt like a tramp for the first time in her life. "I've been with a lot of women," she said with shame, "but the neighbors have never seen this before. No one has ever kissed me goodnight and gone home."

Robin's arms tightened. "I don't care how many there were before me," she said with quiet sincerity. "I only care that I'm the last."

With just those few words, Maryl felt absolved. "Do you mean that?"

"Absolutely. Promise me one thing though? When we're old and gray and we can't make love anymore for fear of breaking a hip, you'll tell me all about them? That way I can feel like I didn't miss anything."

Maryl started to giggle. Grabbing the lapels of Robin's jacket, she held her close for one last sweet kiss before releasing her. "You'd better go now."

Robin bounced down the steps and walked backwards across the lawn with a broad smile, her hands clasped over her heart. "You are more beautiful to me than any jewel. More lovely even than the moon. More dear to my heart than baby bunnies."

"Tell me more," Maryl pleaded dramatically.

Robin flung her arms out. "Your kisses are like water in the desert."

Maryl giggled again. "Hot and gritty?"

"That, too," Robin shrugged expressively, "but I was thinking precious and life giving." She stepped off the curb unawares and fell back against her car without taking her eyes from Maryl. Sidestepping, she backed around the car to the driver's door as she continued. "My heart beats to the rhythm of your name and your touch is like lightning and summer sunlight on my skin."

"You're crazy," Maryl said with immense tenderness.

"Crazy in love with you," Robin said softly. "Sleep well and wake happy, my beloved."

Maryl blew her a kiss as she got into her car and drove away. Cinching her coat against the cold, she opened the door and let Rupert out. Reluctant to let the moment be over, she sat on the top step and gave Rupert kisses for being good. He quickly lost interest in her and began checking the front yard for information and intruders.

Hugging herself to stay warm, Maryl replayed the last fifteen minutes of her life in wonder at the variety of emotions Robin had evoked in her. She had traveled from the edge of orgasm to the brink of despair and languished in complete serenity. How Robin had taken her from such intense sexual fervor through laughter to the calm acceptance she now felt was a mystery in itself. And her delightful parting words were so charming not because of what she had actually said, but that she was willing to risk looking foolish to give Maryl pleasure. She was glad now that they had not made love because sexual satisfaction couldn't compare to the way she felt right at that moment. Calling Rupert from his explorations, Maryl went inside and closed the door.

~***~

Feeling as though she and Janelle had not talked in almost two weeks, she invited her to dinner on Thursday night. True, they worked side by side five days a week, but they hadn't really talked. She wasn't sure if she had been shutting Janelle out or if her best friend had just been giving her some space. Whatever the reason, Maryl intended to change that over spaghetti. She had time to start dinner while Janelle went home to change and was setting the table when she arrived.

"That's quite a centerpiece you've got there," Janelle said.

Maryl had been receiving a steady stream of flowers all week. Every day was a different flower and the bouquets were small so she knew that Robin was staying within their budget. She had been bringing them home from work and now had a cluster of them on her kitchen table. "Robin is trying to figure out what my favorite flower is."

"I thought you liked roses."

"They're all right," Maryl shrugged. "But I prefer flowers with a little more creativity. Roses are so obvious."

Janelle sat down at the table. "That's funny. I was sure that you liked roses."

"That's all anyone ever gave me," Maryl pointed out. "What would you like to drink?"

"Whatever you're having." Janelle reached out and picked up the small teddy bear amongst the flowers. "So, what is your favorite flower?"

"Promise me you won't tell Robin?"

"Of course."

Maryl put two wineglasses on the table and pulled a bottle of red wine from the wine rack. Pointing at the centerpiece she said, "Those purple irises are my favorite, but I don't want her to know that. I don't want her to only ever send me just one kind of flower. I'd rather have a small mixed bouquet than a house full of only one kind of flower." Handing the wine and a corkscrew to Janelle, Maryl turned to stir the spaghetti sauce. "It's driving her crazy that I won't tell her which one is my favorite."

The cork came out of the wine bottle with a sucking pop. "What kind of flowers are you sending her?"

Maryl cringed inwardly. "I haven't."

"Why not?"

"I did buy her something," she said defensively, "but I'm afraid to give it to her."

"What is it?" Janelle asked as she poured the wine.

Maryl went to the bedroom and came back with the bracelet she had purchased on Tuesday evening. Handing the slim box to Janelle she began adding noodles to the boiling water.

"Wow," Janelle breathed. "This is beautiful. It's Topaz, isn't it?"

"They're the same color as her eyes," Maryl pointed out. "I was just passing by and it caught my eye. I had to buy it, but now I'm not so sure."

"What's the problem? Why haven't you given it to her?"

"I haven't noticed that she wears any jewelry and I'm afraid she won't really want it. Also, we agreed on a budget for this sort of thing and it'll be weeks before I can justify it."

"Just give it to her, Maryl. How could she not love this? It's gorgeous."

"I'm afraid that she'll feel obligated to buy me something just as expensive."

Janelle's eyes were huge. "And you'd have a problem with that? Are you feeling okay?"

Maryl sat down at the table and picked up her glass. "Giving jewelry to women is a risky proposition, Janelle."

"It's not a ring, Maryl. You're not making a commitment here."

"But that's what she wants."

Janelle studied her carefully. "You wouldn't be so afraid of it if you didn't want it, too."

"Perhaps," she responded vaguely. Uncomfortable with where the conversation was headed she automatically changed direction. "Did you ever go to see Jerry?"

"Who?"

Maryl almost laughed at the obviousness of Janelle's evasion. "Butcher boy?"

"Oh, him." Janelle sighed. "He's not so bad, I guess. Have you seen him?"

"I don't recall," Maryl admitted. "They all look the same to me."

"Who?"

"Men."

"They do not," Janelle objected.

"It's a lesbian thing," Maryl said airily. "You wouldn't understand."

Janelle rolled her eyes. "You are so full of it."

Maryl made Janelle call a cab after dinner and promised to pick her up early in the morning so she could have her car back. After hugging her goodbye she went back to the kitchen and cleaned up. It was late and she knew Robin would be calling soon so she curled up in bed with the bracelet and waited for the phone to ring. The bracelet begged to be given and she knew it was only a matter of time. In truth, she couldn't wait.

She picked up the phone on the first ring. "Hey, gorgeous."

"Maybe I should have called sooner," Eva laughed.

"Eva?" Maryl covered her eyes in embarrassment. "Sorry. I thought you were someone else."

"Obviously!"

Eva's call suddenly clicked in her head and Maryl sat straight up in bed. "Oh, my God! I forgot group!"

"No one who needs it ever forgets," Eva laughed with genuine amusement. "I only called to make sure you were okay."

Maryl fell back on the bed. "I'm so sorry, Eva. I meant to come. I really did. I wanted to say goodbye to everyone."

"I told them you probably weren't coming back. They talked about it and decided that it was best this way and asked me to convey their good wishes. Besides, we had three new members tonight and I'm not sure you would have had a place to sit."

"Still," Maryl objected guiltily, "it wasn't my intention to just drop out like that."

"Get over it," Eva laughed. "Tell me: whom were you expecting to call?"

Maryl's face grew warm. "She's here."

"Who? The woman from the camping trip?"

"Her name is Robin. She moved here."

"Just like that?"

Maryl smiled. "Just like that. She contacted me the day after I talked to you last. She's got a good job and a place to live and she swears she's here to stay."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Terrified and excited all at once."

"Well, I'll be."

"I'm trying to be cautious," Maryl admitted, "but it's hard. It's almost impossible to think past the pull I feel for her."

"Congratulations are in order then. I'm happy for you, Maryl. You deserve to be happy. I hope things work out between the two of you."

"Thanks." Their last talk popped into her head. "How are things with Kirsten?"

"Well, like you I'm trying to be cautious. She has an appointment with the doctor you told me about in a few weeks and she's having a hard time keeping her hopes reasonable, but she seems to be more alive lately. There is a support group, but she has to see the doctor first and get a referral to it. I think she's looking forward to that almost more than anything. She doesn't feel so alone anymore."

"Have you told her how you feel about her?"

"Not in so many words, but I think she's finally aware of it. By the way, she asked me to tell you that regardless of what happens with the doctor, she's grateful for your help. So am I."

"I'm surprised you told her that you talked to me."

"I love her, Maryl. For there to be any hope at all, I had to tell her."

Maryl felt foolish. "I'll never discuss it with another person, Eva. Tell her that?"

"She came to that conclusion on her own, but I will."

"You know, I usually have a little Christmas party every year. I haven't set a date yet, but I'd love it if the two of you would come."

"Really? That would be great."

"I'll call you when I've got a date for it."

"I look forward to it. It's unusual for former group members to become friends, but I'd really like it if we could stay in touch."

"Consider it done," Maryl said fondly.

"Well, I should let you go. I'd hate to make you miss Robin's call."

"Thanks, Eva."

She barely had time to process Eva's call when the phone rang a second time. Feeling lucky, she tried again. "Hey, gorgeous."

"Hey, beautiful. How was your day?"

"Good." Life made sense again. "Did you miss me?"

"I never realized before that missing someone could be a physical sensation."

Maryl's heart cramped painfully. "You poor thing. I feel that way, too, but I'd rather it be me feeling it than you."

"I want to see you more often. Even if it's only for a few minutes a day. Is that possible?"

Her heart melted. "Can I come see you at work tomorrow on my lunch?"

"Of course. You've been avoiding the store, haven't you?"

"Yes," Maryl admitted.

"Why?"

"I didn't want to interfere with your job and it's too hard to be that close and feel like I have to see you."

"I should have made this clearer," Robin sighed. "I want you to come to the store. Shop wherever you like, but please! Come see me every chance you get."

"Really?"

Robin gave her specific instructions on how to find her office. "When you come tomorrow, I'll have a visitor tag waiting for you at the customer service desk. In time, my employees will recognize you and you won't have any trouble. I'll also arrange for you to get my discount when you shop?"

"Wait?!"

"No," Robin said firmly. "It's a done deal. I can give you my discount if I want."

Maryl wasn't sure what to say. A discount would be nice, but it seemed like too much. She didn't want to feel indebted.

"If it really makes you uncomfortable," Robin offered, "you can fix me dinner now and then. That way the discount is for the food I eat."

"I don't have anything comparable to give to you."

"The discount doesn't come out my pocket, Maryl. It's just a courtesy from the store and it doesn't require any reciprocation on your part. Besides, I've got security mirrors for windows and I can see the whole store. I can sit up there in my office and watch you while you shop. It will drive me insane with want for you."

"How come whenever you want to give me something, or do something for me, you've always got selfish motives to justify it?"

"Call it a character flaw."

Maryl held up the bracelet and decided to give it to Robin when she saw her the next day. "I accept. On one condition."

"Uh oh."

She smiled. "I want to give you something and you can't bring up our money agreement."

"What did you get me?"

"You'll see."

~***~

Robin's door was partially open and Maryl stepped inside quickly in hopes that she would catch her unawares. Robin looked up from her desk and Maryl was surprised. "I didn't know you wore glasses."

Robin took them off and dropped them carelessly on her paperwork. "Only for reading." She stood up with a smile. "I feel like jumping around like a little kid. You look so good."

Maryl feigned doubt. "Can you even see me?"

Robin squinted back. "I see you just fine. Come here." She held her arms open and Maryl all but flung herself into them. "How long can you stay?" Robin asked.

Maryl held her watch up behind Robin's back. "Thirty-five minutes." Adjusting her arms to hold the slim body more firmly, Maryl settled in and let Robin's presence fill her up. "We definitely need to do this more often."

"Did you come with Janelle?"

Maryl shook her head. "She had errands to run."

"Errands?"

Robin's tone was curious and Maryl leaned back to see her face. She followed Robin's eyes out the windows. "What are you looking at?"

Robin stepped closer to the dark glass and pointed to the tables clustered near the deli. "She's right there."

Maryl spotted her at a table with a red headed man. "Is that Jerry?"

"Yes. It's his day off today, so that looks like a date to me. She's been in here every day for the last two weeks talking to him. Didn't she tell you?"

"No." Maryl's evil twin emerged. "Her life is about to get very interesting."

"Be nice," Robin laughed. "Does she know you're here?"

"I doubt it."

Robin closed the office door and Maryl suppressed a shudder of anticipation when she heard the lock engage. The arms that came around her from behind took her mind off her plans for Janelle. Leaning back, she turned her face up and closed her eyes as Robin kissed her. The phone was an unwelcome distraction. "Don't go away," Robin whispered to her.

Maryl sat down on the old love seat under the one-way mirrors and watched her as she spoke to someone named Greg. It sounded as if Greg were calling in sick and from Robin's words on the subject it was obvious that Greg was sick often and not likely to return unscathed. She smiled as Robin hung up. "You're sexy when you boss people around."

Robin stifled a grin and dropped down next to her. "I'd be more than happy to boss you around any time you like."

Maryl laughed as she snuggled closer. "You're welcome to try. This little couch is cozy. Your idea?"

"No. I think it's been here longer than either of us has been alive. So, where's my present? I'm dying of curiosity."

Maryl prayed that she was doing the right thing, but there was one more thing she just had to know before she could hand it over. "Um?Do you consider yourself to be butch or femme?"

"Definitely both. Why?"

"Just making sure." She reached into her purse and pulled out the jeweler's box. Placing it in Robin's open hand she explained, "I didn't go looking for this. I was just walking by and it screamed your name."

"What is it?"

"Open it," Maryl urged.

Robin lifted the lid and sighed. "Oh, Maryl. It's lovely."

"The stones match your eyes," Maryl pointed out.

Robin's slender fingers gently lifted the gold bracelet from its bed and held it up to the light. "It's beautiful, baby." She clutched it to her chest and leaned over to kiss her.

Maryl could see that she was on the verge of tears and could not have asked for a response more satisfying. "I've never seen you wear jewelry. You don't have to wear it if you?"

"Of course, I'll wear it! Here, put it on me?"

Maryl took the bracelet and fastened it around Robin's left wrist. "If you like jewelry, why don't you wear it?"

Robin held her hand out, shaking the bracelet and admiring the way it looked on her arm. "I have a strange relationship with accessories. It never occurs to me to buy myself rings and such. When I do have them I usually forget to put them on. At the moment I don't own any jewelry. When I left Tammy I left her all the jewelry I had. She was the one who bought it for me and I didn't want any of it because I associated it all with her. Like you and this bracelet. Every time I look at it or wear it, I'll think about you. I didn't want to think about Tammy anymore."

"So, if I bought you jewelry you would wear it?"

Robin looked at her with amusement. "Yes, I would wear it, but if you buy me anything else I'm going to consider our agreement about money as void."

Maryl smiled. She had the information she needed. "I'm glad you like it."

Robin scooted down on the couch and fit herself under Maryl's arm. "Thank you, Maryl. I love it."

Maryl smiled into her hair. Robin was still admiring her wrist and Maryl slid her fingers over the delicate forearm in a deliberately sensual caress. "Are you free tomorrow night?" Robin nodded against her shoulder. "I would love to cook dinner for you." Robin tilted her head back and Maryl thrilled at the vulnerability she saw in the golden eyes.

"Sounds wonderful."

Maryl brushed her fingers over Robin's long throat. "Is tomorrow night okay for you?"

Robin hummed in response.

~***~

Maryl slid the chicken casserole into the oven. The salad was already made and chilling in the refrigerator next to a nice bottle of white wine. She had a fresh loaf of french bread that she would prepare later and dessert was a store bought apple pie she would heat after dinner and serve with vanilla ice cream. With the casserole in the oven she now had nearly an hour to take a shower and get dressed before Robin would arrive.

"Thank God I took the afternoon off," she murmured to herself. Maryl was not a messy person, but she had spent most of the afternoon cleaning her house. She wanted everything to be perfect.

Robin knew that Maryl wasn't perfect, of course, but Maryl wanted to impress her. In a way, it was like they were just starting to date. Maybe they were doing everything backwards (and Maryl was by no means ready to really move forward), but this was an important step. Inviting a woman home for dinner carried a certain intimacy with it. Robin would see how Maryl lived. The way a person decorated their living space said a lot about who a person was. Maryl was inviting Robin to see that part of herself and she was a little nervous about it. She wanted Robin to like what she saw and feel at home in her space. Maryl knew from experience that you could be comfortable with a person and feel completely out of place in their home. If she and Robin had any chance at all of someday being together, they had to be comfortable in a home together. Not being comfortable in each others homes would not be a good sign.

Maryl still wasn't sure what she was going to wear and she went straight to her closet to figure it out. Rupert padded into the room behind her and jumped up onto the bed to watch. Settling down with his chin resting on his paws at the edge of the bed, he watched as Maryl rifled through her clothes.

It took a while, but Maryl finally settled on a casual pair of tan slacks and a cream colored sweater. It was nice, but not too dressy; casual, but not a slouch-around-the-house outfit. She would wear a comfortable pair of sandals with it.

With that decided, Maryl headed for the shower. She was rinsing the conditioner out of her hair when the smoke alarm went off and Rupert began to bark.

~***~

Robin had gone home early to change clothes. Her work clothes were comfortable for the most part, but Maryl had suggested that she wear something casual. Exchanging her slacks and blazer for blue jeans and a white T-shirt, she had stopped at a florist's and picked up a handful of poppies. Except for Maryl's statement that she didn't like roses, she was still trying to figure out what the younger blond did like. So far, all of her gifts of flowers had elicited the same enthusiastic response. Maybe she could ask Janelle which flowers were Maryl's favorites. They were best friends, after all. Janelle should know something like that.

Turning onto Maryl's street, she saw right away that Maryl's front door was open and some grey smoke was wafting out. There was no way she could prevent the panic she felt. Throwing her car into park and yanking out the keys, she ran up the walk, the sound of a smoke alarm getting louder.

Running through the open door, she almost yelled out, but then she saw Maryl across the room hitting the smoke alarm with a broom. The woman she loved had a towel wrapped around herself, but with her arms up in the air, it rode up and showed just enough of that perfect ass that Robin had to smile. Maryl had obviously been in the shower. Her hair was still sopping wet and she had soap down one leg. It was the most adorable thing she'd ever seen.

From the smell and the lack of the dense smoke that usually accompanied a serious threat, Robin deduced that dinner was toasted. There wasn't much she could do about that, but she could help with that piercing noise. Walking up behind Maryl, she placed a hand on a naked shoulder. "Can I help with that?"

Maryl jerked around in surprise, one hand going to stop her towel from falling off. "Oh, shit."

Robin smiled at the shocked look and reached up to pull the cover off of the alarm. She pulled the battery out and the sound stopped. "That's better. Are you all right?"

Maryl's face crumpled and big, fat tears rolled down her cheeks. "I can't believe this. I just can't." She turned and walked into the kitchen.

It was funny, but at the same time, Robin understood how Maryl must feel. She followed and found Maryl standing over an open oven still smoking and burned food on the floor.

"I set the oven to preheat," Maryl said with a dull voice. "I must have forgotten to turn it down."

Robin put an arm around Maryl's shoulders for comfort. "What was it?"

"Chicken casserole with asparagus tips and mushrooms on rice."

"It sounds really good. I'm not starving, you know. I can wait to eat for a while. Can we make more?"

Maryl wiped at her face with the back of one hand. "That's not the point. I wanted everything to be perfect and now it's ruined. I burned dinner and the house smells like smoke. I'm not even dressed."

"I don't mind that part at all."

Maryl sighed and moved out from under Robin's arm. "You can't make me feel better. Maybe we should do this another night."

The despondency of Maryl's voice and demeanor made Robin frown. "We can if you want to, but I really want to stay. I'll help you clean up and we'll make more. Or we'll eat something else. This is not a big deal to me. Why don't you go ahead and get dressed and I'll do something with this. Okay?"

"You don't have to clean this up, Robin. I can do it."

She watched as Maryl turned to pick up a roll of paper towels. If she didn't do something right now, she was afraid that Maryl would make her leave and things would never be made right. Robin stepped around the mess and took Maryl's face in her hands. She saw the tear tracks and that Maryl was trying not to look at her. "Hey. Come on, baby. Look at me."

Blue eyes filled with more tears slowly shifted.

"I don't care about dinner," Robin said to the sad eyes. "I didn't really come here for dinner. I only came to see you. I missed you all day." She placed a kiss on Maryl's forehead, her nose, and finally on her lips. "All I care about is being with you. I don't care what we do or what we eat. I just want to see you and talk to you."

Robin began placing gentle kisses all over Maryl's face, relieved when she felt the smaller woman start to relax. "I missed you. I love you, baby."

Maryl's arms went around Robin's slender waist and they held each other tightly, their bodies starting to sway. "I just wanted everything to be perfect," Maryl said softly.

"Everything is perfect, baby." Robin shifted slightly and they fit together even better. "It's not what you do, or what you say, or what you look like, Maryl. It's just you. All I need or want is for you just to be. That's what makes me happy. Please, let me stay?"

Maryl sighed. "I really am a good cook."

"I know."

"I spent all afternoon cleaning house."

"I like your house. It feels really comfortable."

Maryl pulled back, hopeful eyes searching Robin's face. "Does it really? You're not just saying that?"

"No. I wouldn't do that." Robin caressed the side of Maryl's face. "I caught a glimpse that once when I came to pick you up. I really like the colors. Maybe you could help me with my place? It just doesn't have any warmth at all and I can't figure out how to fix it."

Maryl beamed a smile at her.

Robin smiled back. "Why don't you finish getting dressed and I'll see what I can do about this. Then we can talk about what we want to do for dinner."

"You don't mind cleaning up?"

"Nope. Go on. Get dressed and let's get this date on the move."

Maryl reached up and pulled Robin down for a kiss. "Thank you."

"No problem," Robin shrugged. She watched Maryl walk away with an ache of longing, then squared her shoulders and looked at the mess on the floor. Paper towels weren't going to cut it. This was a job for..."Rupert!"

~***~

Maryl had a good week. Janelle finally opened up about Jerry and admitted that she was afraid to talk about him for fear that it would all go away. Maryl understood the feeling completely and was glad she had not teased her about it. She was glad to see Janelle excited about him because it seemed different than any other man she had dated. Maryl kept her sincere hopes close to her chest and took her cues on how to act from Janelle's efforts to be casual about it. They did, however, begin car-pooling to the store on their lunches. Maryl refrained from mentioning that she could see the two of them from Robin's office. Not that she was watching. She was usually too busy cuddling with Robin to notice anything.

Late Friday morning, a flower delivery service brought Maryl a corsage size box and she signed for it excitedly.

"What is it?" Janelle asked.

"I don't know yet." She opened the card first. It read: I promised myself I wouldn't do anything this overt, but I just couldn't resist. R.

With a feeling of eager dread, Maryl turned so no one could see and gingerly opened the box. She closed it immediately and blushed. "Oh, my God."

"What is it?" Janelle asked again.

Maryl peeked back into the box and studied the orchid a second time. It looked exactly like genitalia. Different colors, of course, but the clitoris, vagina and vulva were obvious. She had not known there even was a flower that so closely resembled a woman's sexual organs. "Oh my god," she repeated. Closing the box she hugged it to her chest protectively.

"I want to see," Janelle demanded.

Maryl shook her head tightly and tried to keep the grin from her face. "No."

"Come on, Maryl. You know how devious I am when I want something. You might as well just show it to me and get it over with."

Maryl knew she was right, but it felt almost like she would be showing Janelle her own genitalia. "I'm too embarrassed."

"What is it?"

"A flower."

Janelle frowned. "You're embarrassed to show me a flower?"

Maryl laughed nervously. "I don't think you've ever seen a flower like this one. I've never seen one before."

Janelle held her hands out and waited.

Maryl considered. "You have to promise to take it to the bathroom to look at it and you can't tease me about it. Okay?"

"Deal." Janelle snatched the box from her hand and left the office. Maryl sat down and tried to find a piece of work that made sense to her. She heard a muffled "Yikes!" from down the hall and blushed even harder. She was on the phone when Janelle came back and set the flower on the edge of her desk so they couldn't immediately talk.

A little later, Janelle rolled her chair over and whispered, "Is that really what it looks like?"

Maryl was surprised that Janelle wasn't sure. "Yeah."

Janelle looked stunned. "It's so pretty."

"Are you telling me that you've never seen yours?" Janelle's look of embarrassed horror sent Maryl into a whispering rage. "Do you have any idea how messed up that is? This is your body. It belongs to you and no one else. You control who sees it and who touches it. This is the one thing that truly is yours to command. But you can't look at it? Have you ever seen your back? It's harder to see and doesn't give you a tenth the pleasure, but you don't have any problem twisting yourself up to see that. Somewhere along the line someone convinced you that your genitals don't belong to you. That you should keep it clean but only so it would be available for someone else to control. Real women control every aspect of their lives and their bodies, Janelle. You get a mirror and start spending time with your vagina. I can't believe you bought into that line of crap."

"Hear, hear."

Maryl spun to the woman in the reception window and her mouth dropped open in shock. "Robin's mom," she said with a gulp.

"It's Olivia, dear." She looked past Maryl to Janelle. "I recommend a makeup mirror on a stand; preferably one with lights and magnification. And don't just look at it-worship it and write poetry to it. You have a lifetime of neglect to make up for."

Maryl appreciated the unexpected support, but her mind was whirling. "I didn't know you were coming this weekend."

Olivia smiled. "Neither does Robin."

Maryl got to her feet and reached out to take her hand. "It's so good to see you!"

"I was hoping we could have lunch. I know it's last minute, but I've come all this way and?"

"No! This is great!" She recognized the guilt trip for what it was, but this was Robin's mother and she really was glad to see her. "I've got about 20 minutes before I can leave for lunch though."

"I'll wait."

"Do you want coffee or tea or anything?"

"No, dear. I'm just fine."

Robin's mother sat down in a chair and picked up a Newsweek. Maryl turned to Janelle in stupefaction. "It's Robin's mom."

"I heard. She seems nice," Janelle's voice dropped to a whisper, "but I think I could have done without a total stranger telling me to write poetry to my crotch."

"Somebody had to do it," Maryl said absently. She was wondering if she should call Robin and if she did, should she tell her that her mother was in town or just say that she was going to run errands and wouldn't see her over lunch. She didn't want to lie, but she also didn't want to blow Olivia's cover. It was a good bet that Robin would come running if she had time to intercept them and Maryl was curious about why Olivia was here. "Janelle, I need a favor. When you get to the store, you've got to tell Robin why I'm not there. Please?"

"Sure."

Maryl dove into her work and the 20 minutes flew by. She locked the orchid in her desk drawer with a last look and let Janelle close the office for lunch.

"Where would you suggest we eat?" Olivia asked.

Maryl thought about it. "To be honest, the hospital cafeteria next door is very good. It's also cheap and close."

"Perfect." Olivia looped her arm through Maryl's and fell into step with her. "This may be the last time we get to talk."

Maryl was instantly fearful. "Why?"

"Robin is going to kill me when she finds out that I looked you up." Maryl laughed in relief. "She expressly forbade me from seeking you out," Olivia continued. "She is very concerned with giving you the time and space you need to work this all out. When she finds out that I'm here, I'm afraid that she's going to be furious with me."

"You should know that my friend, Janelle, is going to see her shortly and tell her why I'm not meeting her for lunch."

"You cancelled a date with Robin for me?"

"It's not a date exactly. More like a few minutes alone in the middle of the day."

"I see."

Maryl glanced over and saw the glint of understanding in Olivia's eyes. "I hope she's not too hard on you."

Olivia huffed. "She's not too big to spank."

Maryl laughed and filed the information away for future reference. They didn't speak again until they had their food and were sitting in a corner of the cafeteria. "I assume you wanted to talk to me about something?"

Olivia spread her napkin on her lap and looked up with an open expression. "Do you love my daughter?"

It didn't even occur to Maryl to hedge. "Yes."

"Then what's the problem?"

Maryl looked down at her tray and suddenly wasn't hungry anymore. She set her fork down and put her hands in her lap. She could feel Olivia watching her. "I'm afraid."

"Of Robin?"

"Maybe. Probably more of myself."

"Why?"

Maryl looked away uncomfortably.

"This is just between us, dear. Perhaps it will help if I tell you what Robin told me." Maryl glanced at her and nodded. "She thinks that you don't believe it's possible for someone to really love you. I guess your other relationships ended badly, though she wasn't clear about what happened. She did tell me that you expect your lovers to hurt you and that you're afraid she'll hurt you, too. She also mentioned that you might feel as if it's something about you that causes them to hurt you. Is that right?"

Maryl took a deep breath and forced herself to meet Olivia's eyes. "Yes."

Olivia cocked her head and thought for a moment. "I suppose I'm prejudiced in Robin's favor so a testimonial from me is just wasted breath."

"No," Maryl objected quickly. "Please. Say whatever you want."

"She's a good woman," Olivia said firmly. "I'm proud of her. She's generous and reliable and honest. She does like to play pranks and tease, but she's never mean-spirited about it. She did punch a boy in the face once?"

"She told me about that."

"I'm inclined to think he had it coming, but it affected her very badly. Her father and I were about ready to put her in therapy, but she eventually worked it out and I'm not aware that she has ever hit anyone again."

"I don't think she would ever hit me," Maryl admitted.

"Did she tell you about Tammy?"

"Yes."

Olivia sighed and looked off into the distance. "That about broke my heart to see her suffer so. She tried so hard to make things right. I gave up on Tammy months before Robin did, but they had been together for so long and Robin wanted to believe that it was just one of those times that all marriages go through and if she worked at it, it would pass and everything would be okay. I think she stopped loving her long before it ended, but she felt it was important to give it an honest effort considering all the time they had been together. I hated what it did to her spirit, but I respected her more as a woman-not my little girl-for trying."

"What happened?" Maryl asked. "Why did Tammy change?"

"We don't know. Robin swore to me that she hadn't cheated on her or hit her and I believe her. I wondered if Tammy had a medical condition for while, but she still appears healthy. Maybe if Tammy had ever accused her of anything we would have a place to start, but?nothing."

Maryl pushed her tray aside and leaned on her elbows. Olivia's openness inspired her to talk. "I do love her, you know. Almost from the first minute. On the camping trip I could surrender to it because I had the safety net of knowing that it would be over before she could come to her senses. But now that she's here?? I still can't believe that she changed her life based on a four day fantasy."

"Was it a fantasy?"

"Yes. And now she wants to make it a reality and it's so incredibly tempting, but?" Maryl briefly covered her mouth to hold back a sob. "She changed me somehow. I've thrown myself with reckless abandon into one disastrous relationship after another all my life. I want to throw myself at Robin, too, but it's different this time. I'm different. I believe that she's the one I've been looking for, but I'm not sure if I can trust my feelings. They've led me astray before and I'm not sure I'll recover if I'm wrong this time. I need to hold back until I'm sure because it feels like if I'm wrong this time, something irreplaceable will be broken. Maybe it is something about me that makes my lovers so hateful. I don't know, but if it is, I need to give Robin time to change her mind before I can commit myself to her."

Olivia reached across the table and took her hand. "I can't make any promises about the future, dear, but I find it hard to believe that you are anything but a joy to be with. I can guarantee that if it doesn't work between the two of you it will only end after every option has been exhausted. Robin commits her heart completely and unless you tell her you don't love her-and it's really true-she'll wait for you for the rest of your life."

Maryl desperately wanted to believe her. "I didn't want her to leave her family, you know."

Olivia laughed. "Don't be silly. She hasn't left us. In fact, Julian was quite taken with this little town of yours and is thinking about expanding his contracting business to this area. I find it quite charming myself. In a few years, who knows?"

Maryl used her napkin to wipe her eyes. "I'm sorry. I seem to be crying all the time lately."

Olivia patted her arm. "You go right ahead, dear. Crying is the best medicine for what ails you."

"I can't believe how cool you are about Robin being a lesbian."

"Oh, I admit, I was terribly disappointed at first, but I didn't love her any less and I finally realized that I was mostly disappointed because I had been looking forward to her being a mother. I so wanted to hold her babies in my arms." Olivia grinned. "As your future mother-in-law, I'm entitled to ask: have you ever thought about having children?"

This struck Maryl as supremely funny and she laughed helplessly.

"I only ask," Olivia continued gracefully, "because Robin is absolutely terrified of being pregnant. She was in the delivery room to take pictures for Julian's first child and I think it traumatized her. I believe she would love to be a mother, but it won't happen unless her wife wants to make the baby."

"I used to think about it all the time," Maryl admitted reluctantly, "but I gave up on it. I haven't thought about it for a long time."

Olivia's eyes gleamed dangerously. "Well, before you dismiss it entirely, let me tell you a secret." She leaned close and spoke softly. "Robin obviously can't make you pregnant, but Bruce is willing."

Maryl was stunned. "Bruce wants to make me pregnant?"

"Not you specifically, dear. Bruce has told me any number of times since he was a young man that if Robin ever found a woman that wanted children with her, he would offer to be the donor. Since Robin can't produce sperm, Bruce feels that as her twin, his would be the closest she could come to producing a child of her own. I know it's terribly inappropriate for me to begin nagging you about grandchildren when you haven't yet accepted the idea that you're going to marry my daughter, but I may not be allowed to talk to you again for some time and I just can't give up on seeing her become a mother. I know it's selfish of me, but she'd be so good at it and you?I have a feeling about you, Maryl. I think you would be a wonderful mother to my grandchildren and I can't wait to have you as a daughter-in-law."

Maryl covered her mouth and stared.

"See, now I've frightened you. Robin is going to skin me alive."

"No?I'm okay." Maryl took a drink of her soda. "I just never expected to have a conversation anything like this. I never even considered the idea of having a mother-in law. It seems so strange. Aren't we supposed to hate each other?"

Olivia grimaced. "I could try, if it's important to you, but I'd rather not."

Maryl smiled at her. "I don't know what to say about giving you grandchildren."

"It's not about giving me what I want," Olivia said seriously. "Just put the information in the back of your mind and let it simmer. If things work out as I hope and you two decide that you want to have a family, the information will be there. In the meantime, you should eat. You've got to keep your strength up."

~***~

Maryl was propped up in bed with Robin's orchid sitting against her knees. The flower was beautiful, but so blatantly suggestive that it took her breath away. It was late, but she called anyway.

"Hello?"

"It's beautiful, Robin."

"I was going to send you pansies, but I saw it and I thought of you. I hope I didn't cross the line."

"Pansies would have been nice," Maryl said softly, "but this?"

"Are you looking at it right now?"

"Mm hmm."

"What are you wearing?"

Maryl laughed and snuggled down a bit in her bed. "An old T-shirt and underwear."

"Ooh, sounds sexy."

Maryl laughed again. "What are you wearing?"

"Nothing."

"No, really."

"Really. I sleep nude."

Maryl closed her eyes and remembered.

"I'm sorry about my mom today," Robin said into the silence. "I asked her not to?"

"I'm glad she did," Maryl admitted. "Don't be too hard on her on my account. I like your mom."

"She didn't scare you then? She was worried that she scared you."

"I was scared before."

"And now?"

"Maybe not as much." Maryl couldn't get the image of Robin naked out of her head. "If you're nude?"

"Yes?"

Maryl blushed. "Sorry. I don't want to be a tease."

"I wish you would." Robin sounded sincere.

"Can you see your breasts?"

"Yes."

Maryl covered her eyes in embarrassment. "Are your nipples hiding?"

"Hmm. The left one is a little perky, but the right one is sound asleep. Should I wake it up?"

"No. I just wanted to get your image right."

"What about yours?"

Maryl pulled up the neck of her T-shirt and looked. "Still awake, but not paying any attention."

"I miss them," Robin said quietly.

"I miss yours, too." There didn't seem to be much to say after that and Maryl let silence fill the void.

"I'm going to sign up for that pottery class on Monday," Robin said. "Are you interested in joining me? No strings attached."

"I don't know. I'm not very gifted in the artistic realm."

"That's the beauty of pottery. A bowl is a bowl and a cup is a cup. If it holds water when you're done, you've done it correctly."

"I'll think about it and let you know before Monday morning." The silence returned and Maryl sighed. "You're being awfully patient with me. Don't you ever want to??" She couldn't finish.

Robin's voice was husky. "Rip your clothes off and fall on you with my mouth and hands until you'll agree to anything if I'll only let you come?"

A relentless wave of pleasure coursed through Maryl's body. "Something like that, yes."

"Constantly. But it's your heart I'm waiting for. It can't be taken-only given, and I'm willing to wait as long as it takes."

"Am I hurting you-making you wait like this?"

Robin laughed. "Your kisses make it all okay. I'm fine."

Maryl relaxed.

"Um?" Robin said with hesitation. "You're not going to hang up now, are you?"

"I don't have to, no. Why?"

"It's just that my right nipple woke up and you could talk to it if you want to."

Maryl grinned and held back a laugh. "I'm not very good at talking dirty."

"You don't have to be. In fact, I won't even listen." There was a brief pause and then Robin's voice was far away. "Go ahead, Maryl."

Embarrassed at herself, Maryl made kissing sounds into the phone until she heard Robin screech.

"Mom! What are you doing in here?"

Maryl held her breath so she could hear better.

"What am I doing?" Robin's mom sounded surprised. "What are you doing?"

"Maryl's talking to my? Why am I explaining this to you?"

Fighting not to laugh out loud, Maryl concentrated.

"Oh," Olivia said with understanding. "It's phone sex, right?"

"Mom! You're totally out of control!" Robin didn't sound angry so much as embarrassed and it only made Maryl's hysteria more intense.

"I thought you were having a nightmare. I can't believe you talk to your old mother this way." Olivia's distant voice held a dramatic quiver. "And after all I've done for you."

"Cripes, Mom. Go to bed."

"Tell Maryl I said hello."

Robin's voice was suddenly clear and aggravated. "Mom says hello."

Maryl finally lost control and laughed harder than she had laughed in years.

"She's laughing, Mom. Are you happy now?"

"Goodnight, dear." Olivia sounded extremely pleased with herself.

It was all Maryl could do to keep the phone to her ear.

"It's not funny, Maryl."

"Yes, it is!"

"Fine. Next time she can catch you. She's going to tell everyone about this. I'll never be able to go home again."

"Oh, God!" Maryl gasped. "I think I gave myself a headache."

"Serves you right."

"Oh," she finally said. "I needed that. I may never talk dirty again, but I sure needed a good laugh."

"If you don't mind telling me, what did you two talk about today?"

"What a good person you are and that she hopes I'll marry you." She kept the baby information to herself for now. "I love your mom. She's great."

"She is pretty great," Robin admitted. "I just wish she didn't get such a kick out of embarrassing me."

"You love it and you know it."

""Don't tell her, okay?"

"I won't." The line was silent for a long moment and Maryl would have been perfectly happy to just listen to her breathing.

"Can I ask you something?" Robin said tentatively.

"Sure."

"What's your last name?"

Maryl could have sworn she had told her, but she couldn't remember when. "My last name is Jeffries."

"Well, then. Good night, Maryl Jeffries."

"Good night, Robin Griffith."

~***~

By holding her breath, Maryl managed to contain her enthusiasm until the balloon was several hundred feet in the air. There was little or no wind in the brisk morning sky and they floated lazily above the take-off field. The pilot's helpers on the ground were getting smaller by the moment as they finished picking up gear and prepared to follow them wherever the wind took them. The sun was just beginning to peek over the distant hills and the sky was a brilliant pink. The gondola shifted slightly as they moved about, but it reminded Maryl more of a raft than anything else.

Taken in by the glorious vista spread out before her, Maryl leaned over the side of the gondola and spread her arms out to embrace the vivid December sunrise. "This is magnificent!" She shouted. She could hear the support staff below laughing at her outburst, but somehow she knew they understood.

She was glad she had taken Shine's advice. It really was cold. It helped to have Robin at her back. Hugging the arm Robin had wrapped around her middle, she pressed back into her. "Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?"

Robin's reply was soft and low in her ear. "I've seen you."

"You're so sweet." Maryl studied the landscape carefully, anxious to commit it all to memory. She had no way of knowing if she would ever do this again, so it was important to soak it all in. The sun suddenly crested the horizon and sent rays of pure brilliance her way. She looked down to shield her eyes and spotted Robin's hand on the gondola's edge. Maryl reached out and covered it with her own.

She was startled to find the hand rigid and it brought the fact that Robin's entire body was unnaturally stiff to the forefront of her awareness. She had been marginally aware that Robin was nervous prior to take-off, but Maryl had been totally self-absorbed in her own excitement. It had been easy to dismiss the signs because Robin always seemed so strong and confident. It was hard to believe that anything could frighten her, but now that Maryl was thinking about it, it seemed so obvious. She groaned inwardly at her insensitivity.

Turning to slip an arm around Robin's waist, Maryl saw the tightly closed eyes only briefly before Robin buried her face in Maryl's shoulder. "Oh no. Why didn't you tell me you were afraid of heights? What were you thinking? You didn't have to come."

"I'm okay," Robin whispered raggedly. "I can handle it. How high are we?"

"Not very," Maryl lied.

The pilot spoke up for the first time since lift off. "Everything okay?"

Maryl shook her head. "Take us down, please."

"No!" Robin said urgently. "I'm okay. I don't feel sick and it can't get any worse than this. Just keep going."

Maryl wrapped her arms around Robin's shoulders. "I don't mind if we land. I saw the sunrise and it was beautiful. I don't want you to be miserable a moment longer than necessary."

"I can do it," Robin insisted. "Isn't there supposed to be champagne?"

"Maybe she should sit down," the pilot suggested. "That seems to help some people."

Robin seemed to collapse at the suggestion and wrapped her arms tightly around Maryl's legs. "I can do it," she repeated. "Please, don't land on my account."

Maryl's indecision was made more difficult by the look of amused nonchalance of the pilot. A gust of wind ruffled her hair and she realized they were finally moving away from the take-off zone. The pilot used the burners to lift them higher in the layer of moving air. Dropping her hand to Robin's hair, she looked down as Robin lifted her eyes.

"Please, Maryl. This really is better." Robin's grip seemed to relax a bit. "I sure wouldn't mind something to drink, but I'm okay."

The pilot crouched down and dug into a wicker basket at his feet. "I've got just the thing." He pulled out a small silver flask and held it out to Robin. "Brandy. Good stuff, too. Not swill."

Robin reached for it gratefully. "Thanks, but who's flying this thing?"

"God," he grinned. "Relax. I promise not to crash today."

Robin twisted the lid from the flask. "Do I have your word on that?"

"My life." He patted Robin's knee, then squeezed Maryl's arm and turned his back as he rested his hand on the burner.

Maryl cupped her hand around the side of Robin's face as she drank deeply of the brandy. She could see the lines of tension around the dim brown eyes and her skin was pale. She couldn't imagine the courage it had taken to climb aboard, not to mention her determination to see it through.

Except for the occasional roar of the burners, it was totally quiet. They weren't going anywhere fast so she crouched next to Robin. "Why did you agree to come with me?" she asked quietly. "All you had to do was tell me. I would never have asked you to do this if I'd known how hard it would be for you."

Robin drank from the flask before answering. "I had to come."

"Why?"

"How could I ask any less of myself than I ask of you?"

Maryl didn't understand. "What are you talking about?"

"You're only asking me to accompany you for 50 minutes. I'm asking for 50 years."

"The two aren't comparable, Robin."

"I know." Robin reached out and put a cold hand to Maryl's cheek. "It's much scarier to risk your heart than your life."

Maryl gaped as Robin's logic sorted itself out in her head. That Robin felt her own current terror was less than Maryl's seemed absurd, but she seemed to genuinely believe it. Maryl stood up and swept her gaze over the landscape.

This doesn't scare me at all. I can't even guess how far off the ground I am, but it doesn't matter. I feel completely safe and secure. But Robin is paralyzed by it and it seems that she's trying to tell me that she sees our relationship in the same terms. When she looks at a future with me, she feels like I do when I look at all this beauty around me. And when it comes to our future, I'm the one cowering on the floor. Is that possible? Is that really how she sees me? Is my heart really paralyzed by irrational fear? Does she look at me and wish there were just one thing she could say that would make me feel safe?

Knowing she would have to take some time to think about it, Maryl made a decision. She reached out to touch the pilot's arm and silently indicated that he should take them down. He nodded his assent. Maryl had already seen the best part of the experience. The rest was unnecessary. What mattered now was alleviating Robin's distress.

Twenty minutes later, she was sitting next to Robin in the grass, watching the balloon rise into the morning sky.

"We didn't have to land."

"Yes, we did."

"I know you were excited about this flight, Maryl. I'm sorry you felt like you had to cut it short."

"I'm not. I got what I wanted out of it."

The roar of the balloon's burner seemed to accentuate the stillness of the dawn. Maryl tipped her head back and took a deep breath, feeling the crisp air deep inside her lungs.
"Are you upset with me?"

She turned to look at Robin's worried face. "I'm really not. I got to go up in a hot air balloon and see the sunrise. It's not how long I got to ride in the balloon that's important to me."

"You're sure?"

"Positive."

"You seem...pensive."

Maryl took one of Robin's hands in her own, content just to be touching her. "Maybe I am, just a little. I'm letting things percolate for the moment, but I'm not upset or disappointed. I promise."

"Okay."

The ground crew for the balloon had everything packed up now and Maryl waved to them as they headed out in pursuit. Soon, there were no sounds at all but nature waking up and two women breathing. Maryl let the serenity of it seep into her soul and closed her eyes.

In the last weeks, Maryl had seen Robin every day. Sometimes it was only for a short time, but they made up for it by talking on the phone for hours every night before bed. Just for the fun of spending time with the older woman, Maryl had joined her in the Monday night pottery class and they were having a blast. In a surprising turn of events, Maryl turned out to be the one with a knack for feeling what the clay could become. Robin did all right, of course, but Maryl's pottery had what seemed to be a touch of art. She was thinking about taking more advanced classes as they became available.

It was becoming harder and harder for Maryl to imagine not having Robin in her life. Still, they had not made love since the camping trip. That was not to say that they didn't torment each other relentlessly with passionate kisses and fiery touches. But, it was the talking that drew them closest. It had never been like this for Maryl with any other woman she had known.

Maryl had been very upset when she learned that Robin had moved to Edgewater to pursue her, but everything that had happened since then had seemed so inevitable. Just like when they met at the park and Maryl had almost immediately taken Robin's hand. She had been fighting against a relationship with her mind, but she was beginning to see that her heart had known all along.

Just to see what it was like, Maryl tentatively opened her heart, her mind and her soul to a lifetime commitment with the woman at her feet. Something inside her mind shifted with an almost audible chime and for one agonizingly pure moment, her being expanded to include the universe. Her heart skipped a beat and then everything settled into a new configuration. Maryl took a deep breath and realized that she could feel Robin within herself. Somehow her heart now included Robin: not in addition to what was already there, but as an indistinguishable part of herself. The future spread out before her and every dream she'd ever entertained became possible.

Robin was The One. There was no longer any doubt. None of the other women she had ever thought she loved had ever felt this way. None of them had touched her so deeply or shared so fully. None had ever made the sacrifices Robin had or shown the patience Robin gave her routinely. Somehow, she knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that Robin was the one woman in all the world that she could love and trust until the end of time.

Why it had been so difficult to arrive at this moment was a mystery to her. Now that she had opened herself to a future with Robin it seemed ridiculous that she had not done it immediately. There were so many things to talk about, so many choices to be examined. One issue, however, she knew needed to be settled at once.

"I want the left side of the bed," she said clearly, her eyes on the horizon. She felt Robin turn towards her in confusion and waited for her response.

"The left side?" Robin's voice was uncertain, but dripping with hope.

To avoid any misunderstandings later, Maryl explained. "If you stand at the foot of the bed and face the head, I want the left side."

"But, I always sleep on the left."

"Not anymore," she said firmly. She smiled as Robin hugged her hard enough to leave bruises.

"Okay," Robin conceded with tears in her voice. "But the left side is responsible for the phone and the alarm clock."

"Deal."

"And Rupert can't sleep with us."

Maryl neglected to mention that Rupert never slept on the bed when there were two people in it. "Will you explain that to him?"

"Yes."

Maryl's eyes filled with tears and she let them fall unchecked. "I'm going to hold you to fifty years, you know."

"It won't always be good, Maryl."

She looked into Robin's tear streaked face. "It'll be worth it." Robin pulled her closer and their lips met in a promise.

"Marry me," Robin whispered into her mouth.

Tears spilled out of Maryl's eyes. They blurred her vision, but she was no longer looking with her eyes. She was seeing through her heart.

Forty-two Weeks Later

Robin awoke, feeling rested and eager to start the day. Putting her arms above her head, she stretched to get all the kinks out. Her feet could feel pressure on the blankets and she opened her eyes expecting to see Rupert beside her on the bed. It was Maryl. She was sitting cross-legged in her birthday suit, staring. Robin smiled uncertainly. "Good morning."

"You're still here."

Robin glanced around the room for a clue, but none were obvious. "Shouldn't I be?"

"I don't know. Are you happy?"

Robin began to understand. She let a genuine, languid smile bloom on her face before answering. "I did not know that it was possible to be as happy as I am. I'm not leaving, baby. Not ever."

Maryl's smile came with tears and she crawled over to lay on Robin, small hands framing the angular face. "You're still here," she repeated in wonder.

Robin ran her hands down the length of smooth back above her and rested them on Maryl's ass. "I love you desperately. You'll need a court order to get rid of me."

After a long, slow, loving kiss, Maryl folded her arms across Robin's chest and put her chin on them. "Since you're going to stay, there's a couple of things I want to run by you."

Robin ran her fingers through the long blond hair and shifted her head so she could look into blue eyes. "I'm ready. Let's hear it."

"First, I want to spend all day in bed with you to celebrate my longest relationship ever."

Robin pretended to think it over. "I suppose I could live with that."

Maryl grinned. "Good answer."

"Next?"

"Okay." Maryl's eyes began to glitter with excitement. "I have this idea. You know that Janelle wants me to make her and Jerry a complete set of dinnerware for their wedding."

The pottery class had been a lot of fun, but it was Maryl who had turned out to have a knack for it. Actually, it was far more than a knack. She had a real gift and had been taking more classes and working with professional potters ever since. Robin's favorite piece was the large bowl on the coffee table that held all of the river stones Maryl had left for her almost a year before. "I remember."

"Well, Maureen and Shine called me the other day and they want a set, too."

Robin grinned for her lover. "That's great, honey."

"They want to pay me."

"That's a good thing, right?"

"Yeah." Maryl became serious. "My idea is that I'm thinking about doing it full-time. I think I can make a living at it. Maybe."

Robin thought it over quickly. They didn't really need Maryl's income. Between the two of them, they were saving almost as much as Maryl made towards the buying of a house. If Maryl quit working, their savings wouldn't grow as fast unless Maryl did well with the pottery. Considering how good she was, it seemed like a good bet. Even if she didn't, they could live well enough without the second income. It might take a little longer to save up the house money, but Robin wasn't in a real hurry for it anyway. "Where will you sell it?"

"There are a lot of craft stores around here. I could start there. I could even do some of the craft fairs and see how that works out. I'd need to get a kiln and a place to work of my own. It means quitting my job though. You'd have to support us until I get on my feet."

Robin nodded sagely. She wasn't really seeing a down side to any of this.

"We might have to use some of the house money to get me started."

"Okay."

Maryl looked surprised. "Okay? Just like that?"

Robin grinned. "Just like that."

"You don't even want to argue about it first?"

"Nope. I know how good a potter you are. In a couple of years I'll be able to retire and lay around eating bon bons and getting fat. Would you still love me if I were fat?"

"Sure. Would you love me if I were fat?"

Robin squeezed the round globes of Maryl's ass with a salacious leer. "Oh, yeah."

"Good. Because I want to have a baby with you."

"You do, huh?"

"Yes," Maryl nodded smugly. "Now."

Robin froze. "Now? But...how? Who?"

"Don't worry," Maryl laughed. "Your mother is handling it."

"My mother?" She heard the screech in her voice and could do nothing to stop it.

Maryl scooted up and placed a kiss on Robin's shocked lips. "Don't worry about a thing, sweetie. Your mother and I have it all worked out."

Robin sputtered for a moment and then took a deep calming breath. She had always wanted children and Maryl would be a great mother. That was not an issue. It was the fact that it was being decided without her input. She looked into Maryl's eyes and saw the hope and fear there. Suddenly she understood. She had a choice. Just not the control. This must be what it had been like for her brothers. Everything going along just fine and then suddenly there was going to be a baby. Whether it was true or not, they must have felt that they didn't have any control either. Especially once their mother got involved. She realized that she didn't have to be in control to be happy about it.

Robin rolled Maryl over and leaned down to lay her head on the flat belly. A sense of wonder began to invade her. "We're going to have a baby. I'm going to be a mommy."
Small hands began combing through Robin's hair and she smiled in perfect contentment. "We're going to be a family."

THE END

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