© Bo Merg 2001

Disclaimers: None really.<bg>

Thanks: Go to Deb and Jo for reading this and prodding me to put it out there for other people to read, and to Kylie for editing it for me.<bg>

As I sit here writing this, taking the cowards way out… I’m thinking it must be years now that we have known each other. Hasn’t time flown? It seems like only yesterday we met. I can remember the day clearly.

I was on my way home, headed northbound on the 5.22pm train from Central Station. I had a seat all to myself and was intently reading my book, when someone came and sat beside me. ‘Great!’ I thought to myself, every other spare seat and the old codger has to sit next to me. Well, to my surprise it wasn’t an old codger, it was you. I glanced beside me and there you were…. smiling at me. It was your eyes I noticed first, vibrant green, a innocence and depth to them, your hair, blonde and jaggedly cut around your face and then there was that smile, so warm and friendly. I mentally scolded myself for staring, so I gave a polite smile back and went back to reading my book. But no, that wasn’t good enough for you, you proceeded to make conversation, which I found hard to resist. As we continued talking, we found we had some things in common, you lived not far from where I did and we also frequented the same gym. By the time we arrived at our stop, we had started the foundations of a friendship.

Months later and we found ourselves best friends; I enjoyed it I must admit, for I was a loner growing up. I had to grow up quickly due to some family circumstances and never really had time for friends. You had a generous nature, a kind heart and a great outlook on life which soon became infectious. We’d go to movies together, take walks in the park, we’d take our lunch breaks together, and we didn’t seem to need anyone else. That’s when I first realised my feelings for you went a little beyond friendship. You were the perfect person for me. I never trusted someone with my heart before, and to say the least I was scared even to trust you. My biggest regret, I realise now.

You called me on a Thursday in June, a little over 2 years since we’d become friends. You said you had got the promotion at work that you had been aiming for. We decided on hitting the town as celebration. We shared a drink at the bar of our favourite hang out, Beetles. It was there on that day, I lost you. You saw him over by the pool table, I could see by the look in your eyes you had fallen head over heels. I had never seen that look in your eyes for me. I had held back my feelings and lost you. My heart was crushed but I knew you had to be happy, I could never deny you that.

I started to call you less. I often wondered if you ever noticed. We had lunch together less often too, it was him that you wanted to share your daily routine with now. You were so caught up in your new life with him, that there was no need for me to be around as much. It was my choice. Months went past and we would have only spent maybe 5 or 6 days with each other. You still appeared interested in my life, which proved to be too painful for me. How could you love another and still pretend to be interested in me, if only as just a friend. It hurt so much. You see you never knew about me did you? I never told you. Too scared to love and then to have it thrown back in my face. In one way I thank the Gods I never did tell you face to face. Rejection from you if you had been aware of my feelings, would have been harder for me to deal with. This way it was just another friendship that became too hard to maintain. A lot of friendships end that way.

A year or so later you called to tell me that you were getting married. Big surprise there. I congratulated you and stifled the tears that welled in my eyes. That was truly the end of my hopes, my dreams. Silly for me to keep hoping that maybe you’d fall out of love with him, see what was already in front of you, just not in the usual package. Truly the fates were against me, it was never to be. Your wedding day was beautiful, just as you were. Couldn’t have planned a better day, but then nothing but the best for you. I made some pitiful excuse that I couldn’t attend, I could hear the disappointment in your voice, but it was for the best. I came to see you though you know, stood in the back of the church, hidden from view, watched you take those vows and start a new life, I couldn’t stay away, and I had to see it for myself.

After you came back from your honeymoon and settled into life again, I dropped around to see how you were doing. You were happy to see me, which made my task harder than I thought. I came to tell you I had taken that job overseas and was leaving that afternoon. You cried, I wasn’t prepared for that, but it was only tears over the shock of me moving away, nothing more. You said something about being too late, that you wanted us to be good friends like we used too. You didn’t mean for us to drift. We were always good friends, always will be, I told you. Distance wouldn’t make a difference; and I almost believed what I was telling you. I was leaving to make a difference, you had your life, it was my hope that I could start a new one of my own and forget you.

I don’t know really what I wanted to achieve by giving you this letter, I can imagine the confusion on your face now as you read it. I was never good at good-byes. Perhaps it’s just closure on my behalf, now that I’m sitting on the plane, awaiting the new life before me. I can’t see the look of disappointment on your face as you read this and realise just what kind of person I was, and probably that’s just as well… I never wanted to disappoint you. Know this though, I could never forget you; you’ll always have a place in my heart. I just wanted you to be happy, and I know you really are.

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