CSI and all the characters that make the show watchable belong to CBS and Jerry Bruckheimer, not me. {.shrug.} That’s okay, I can’t claim SVU or WMC either and I borrow those characters too. I always put everybody back when I’m done, so it’s all good.
I’m new to this show. I seem to have a habit of finding a show after it’s been on a few years and then having to backtrack and catch up. This is my version of Grissom’s latest departure.
FADE IN: Las Vegas Crime Lab. Gil Grissom is finally exiting the building (for the last time or until Billy Petersen wants to make guest appearances). As he is walking through the halls, he silently watches his crew do their thing. He smiles in pride. The last room he passes is the breakroom Catherine Willows is enjoying a cup of coffee and some conversation with Detective Jim Brass. She looks over and sees Grissom. She winks and smiles. He smiles back and continues on his way. Catherine waits a few minutes and then excuses herself.
CW: (with a grin) Gotta go Jim, places to see and people to do.
Brass raises his coffee cup in salute as she exits.
FADE IN:
EXT: Jungle---daytime. Jungle sounds abound. (Say that three times fast {.g.})
Gil Grissom, dressed in rumpled khaki pants, cotton shirt and an old straw hat is walking through the heavy brush. He is carrying a rucksack but no machete. (Dumbass) He is apparently carrying a GPS device. He fishes the device out of his pocket and looks at it. He looks up ahead. Then back at the device. He puts it back in his pocket. He begins to walk in the same direction he was following before. As he brushes some giant leaves aside he notices a bug. His eyes widen.
GG: Ooh, pretty.
He reaches for it and then pulls his hand back. He shakes his head.
GG: No, I need to get…I can’t stop and look at all the lovely critters along the way. Bye bye little buggie, I’ll be back to see you soon.
He waves a reluctant goodbye to the bug and takes a few steps forward.
GG: Oh what the hell.
He backs up and pulls the bug off the leaf and stuffs it into his rucksack. It’s apparent by the bugs falling out of the sack, that he has been doing this for the entire trip.
GG: Play nice.
He starts walking again.
CUT TO: A campsite. A monkey comes careening out of a hut. A tall brunette woman exits closely behind. She has a pair of cargo shorts on and a tank top. The tank top is inside out. She is hopping on one shoed foot while she tries to put a sandal on the other. She is upset, fuming and totally pissed off. She eventually gets the shoe on and stomps over to a tree. A monkey of some sort (Sorry, we haven’t cast this part yet, so I don’t know the species but a small monkey. Small monkey…small money. Big monkey…big money. We need the budget elsewhere—you’ll see in a minute) is on a banana tree and it’s vocalizing at the woman.
SS: Com'ere ya little tree rat.
The monkey throws some bananas at the woman. She ducks what she can and picks a couple of the fruits up. She breaks one into pieces and flings the banana bits back at the monkey who is still taunting her from the tree. She manages to hit him with the pieces several times. (Note to Mets…this woman can throw.)
SS: You ever bite me again and I’m going to reconsider that whole vegan thing I have going. AARRGGHHH!
She rubs her butt. The woman hears someone on the fringe of the campsite. She turns and, with instinct honed from her time in law enforcement, holds the banana like a gun. She realizes what it looks like and stuffs it into her pocket.
GG: Sara?
SS: (puzzled) Grissom?
Grissom looks at Sara. He takes in her disheveled appearance and her attire.
GG: (joking) Is that a banana in your pocket or are you glad to see me?
SS: (bewildered) Ummm. Actually…it is a banana in my pocket.
She pulls the banana out and tosses it behind her. A monkey screams. She laughs manically. Then she looks nervously at the hut before looking back at Grissom.
GG: (Smiling) Sara! Aren’t you glad to see me?
He begins walking toward her with his arms outstretched and his lips puckered. Sara backs up toward the tree. He keeps getting closer. She fakes right and then left to avoid his kiss. She sighs in resignation. Her back is to the tree and she can’t avoid it any longer. Her eyes light up with an idea.
SS: Close your eyes and get a big wet one.
He does and she grabs the monkey from the tree and lets the monkey kiss him. She then tosses the monkey back to the tree before Gil can open his eyes. She grins at him.
GG: WOW! But umm…Sara…you might want to shave…soon.
She glares at him.
SS: What are you doing here?
A blonde woman appears in the doorway of the hut. She is dressed in shorts and a t-shirt. She has a toothpick in her mouth.
SC: Yeah, what are you doing here?
GG: Sofia?
SC: Grissom.
Grissom looks between the women. He’s puzzled.
GG: I told you when you were at the house, that I just needed to clear up a few things and I would be going to Costa Rica.
SS: (sheepishly and with a shrug) OH, I guess I wasn’t listening, I thought you said you were going to Costco.
SC: (annoyed) You were at his house?
SS: I told you…
GG: (interrupts) She slept at my house when she visited for Warrick funeral.
SC: (at Sara) You slept at his house?
GG: (he rocks on his heels) In my bed. Actually, while we were together, she didn’t sleep much at all.
SC: Sara?
Sara Sidle looks between the two. Grissom is smiling smugly and Sofia is pissed. Sara moves toward Sofia and puts her arm around her.
SS: I told you. I flew in at a moment’s notice and it seemed like a good idea at the time. We slept in the same bed but we didn’t sleep together, sleep together. He was working nights while I slept and I was making all the arrangements while he slept. Same bed, different shifts. Honey, I wouldn’t do that to us.
SC: So he was just a Holiday Inn.
SS: More like a Motel 6.
GG: Hey!
SS: Sorry Grissom but sharing a house with a thousand bugs whether they are in cases or not is just weird.
GG: That’s not what I was ‘Hey-ing’ about. You and Sofia?
SS: Yeah, me and Sofia.
GG: A couple?
SS: For awhile now.
GG: You dumped me for her?
SC: Hey!
GG: But Sara, I gave up my job and my house and, dammit, I gave Hodges the pig…
SS: Gave Hodges the pig what?
GG: What?
SC: What?
SS: What What? You said you gave Hodges the pig…so what did you give the pig Hodges?
GG: (sighing) No, not the pig Hodges, I gave Hodges the pig…
SS: Same thing.
GG: Not to a pig. I gave him Pinky, the one I kept in the jar in my office.
SC: You named a dead pig in a jar?
SS: And all his bugs too.
She turns and whispers to Sofia.
SS: The really weird thing is that he throws little parties for them. You should see the little hats he made.
Sofia eyes open widely, she makes a he’s nuts gesture. Sara pulls Sofia’s hand away from her head.
GG: I can’t believe I was so stupid…
SS: I’m sure if you ask nicely, he’ll give you the pig back.
GG: (brightens) Really? But no, I was talking about…you and Sofia?
SS: Yeah.
GG: You know, I always thought that if you dumped me it would be…no offense, Sofia…
Sofia is talking to Sara but looking directly at Grissom. She takes the toothpick out of her mouth and points it at Grissom.
SC: Why do they always say no offense, right before they get offensive?
GG: Like I was saying…I always thought if you dumped me it would be for the other blonde bi…Catherine?
Catherine Willows walks out of the hut and makes her presence known. She is dressed {.snort.} in an oversized men’s shirt. Half buttoned. No shorts are apparent. Her hair is mussed. She joins the other two and completes the Sara sandwich.
CW: Gil. What are you doing here?
GG: You said you knew.
CW: I knew you were leaving. I thought you said you were going to Cozumel.
GG: (exasperated) Costa Rica. Doesn’t anyone ever listen when I talk?
Sofia, Sara and Catherine trade looks.
SS/SC/CW: Not really.
They smile at each other. His eyes narrow at the hickey on Catherine’s neck.
GG: What are you doing here, Cath?
Catherine notices where his eyes are and pulls the collar of her shirt up.
CW: Visiting.
GG: How did you get here so fast? I’ve been walking for days. The jungle is thick.
Sofia puts her hand in front of her mouth.
SC: (mumbling) Not apparently a thick as he is…
The other two cough to cover their laughter.
CW: I parachuted in. I was in a hurry.
Grissom frowns.
GG: (directed at Sara) And I suppose she is sleeping in your bed too.
Sara scratches her neck nervously. Catherine decides to intercede.
CW: Actually, Gris, there hasn’t been much sleeping going on.
The three women high five each other.
GG: Sofia? You’re okay with that?
SC: Sure. I play well with others.
GG: I just can’t believe I wasted all this time. (Then to Sara) I thought we were finally going to together and happy. You, me, the bugs…geez.
Before Sara could reply, Sofia interrupts.
SC: Hey Grissom, you are a bee expert, right?
GG: I am an entomologist and an apiologist and ….
He continues to ramble on.
CW: (whispers) A windbag.
SC: Well since you aren’t going anywhere tonight…
The other two women give her incredulous looks.
SC: (continues) and it’s my turn to cook. I figured I would make my special dessert for you. But it needs honey and we are fresh out.
Catherine smirks and elbows both Sofia and Sara.
CW: But you have to admit, it was fun.
SS: Ahem, yes, yes it was.
SC: As I was saying. I’d love to make you this dessert but we are fresh out. Could you be a sweetheart and get us some more? The hive is about 500 yards over that way.
She points.
SC: I’d do it myself but I just had my nails done.
She quickly hides her hands, with short nails, behind her back.
GG: (hesitantly) I don’t know. I don’t have my gear.
SC: They are really friendly bees. They’ll come right out of the hive to meet you. They love people. Please?
Sofia bats her eyes at him.
GG: Okay fine. I’ll be right back. (He points) That way, you said?
Sofia shakes her head. When he turns his back, she waggles her fingers at him.
SS: (scolding) Sofia!
SC: Shhh…Waitaminute.
Sofia waits for Gil to clear the campsite a few dozen yards.
SC: (smirking) What?
Catherine looks between the two of them.
CW: (hands on hips) Someone want to tell me the joke?
Sofia is too busy laughing…so she points to Sara.
SS: There is a hive of bees about 500 yards, just like she said.
Sara punches the laughing Sofia in the arm.
SC: (rubbing her arm) Ow.
CW: And?
SS: It’s a hive of Apis mellifera scutellata.
CW: Hello? The bugman just went that way…English please?
SS: Africanized Honey Bees.
Catherine turns to Sofia.
CW: English please?
SC: Killer bees.
Catherine’s eyes widen. They all turn and look to the path out of the campsite. All three sigh in unison. Catherine puts her arms around the waists of the other two women.
CW: So, whose turn is it to be monkey in the middle?
SC: I think its Sara’s.
Sara grins at both of them and then takes off for the hut.
SS: Last one nekkid is a monkey’s uncle!
FADE OUT
The End