Other Important Disclaimer: Some of the characters in this story are copyright MCA/Universal/RenPic.

Warnings: Some beta readers laughed while reading this. So, please don’t sue me.

Bard's Boring Bits: Lots of people need to be thanked for their help and encouragement in producing this story, but I'm only going to mention two. Incognotter; for, showing. me: how! to, Punctuate? properly£ (have a fish; or three); and Harpy for finding the missing scene. Oh, one more person should get a mention, Carolyn a.k.a. Taleweaver for a comment on the beta version of "As The Stomach Turns" way back on April 26, that sparked the idea for this work, it’s taken a while, but I finally got here.

Honestly, I respect the hard work you do and don’t mean to offend you, so, please don’t sue me.

Historians Note: People are not interested in your theories on how we lived in the past, they have too much to worry about living in the present. I don’t care if you sue me. I was talking to the historians there, not the wonderful, fine, talented, non suing type actors who have a great sense of humour and are not easily offended by me, I mean, someone, not me, honest, taking the mickey out of them.

Note: This is a series of out-takes from "As The Stomach Turns", read that first to understand this. Then read all my other stuff. There now follows a couple of quotes to show how clever I am. If you wish to skip them, then be my guest.

by Claire Withercross

A drunk old man is held aloft by a leather clad Warrior Princess. He speaks.

"In the land of the green sky, next the road to home by…no, that's wrong, isn't it?"

"Uh-huh!" she nods.

"Cut!"

****

Ted Raimi, dressed as Joxer, stumbles into shot on location. "Hi. I'm Ted Raimi. I play Joxer in Xena: Warrior Princess, but you probably knew that. You probably also know that Joxer is a bumbling idiot. Well, let me let you in on a little secret." He beckons with his finger and looks around to make sure he isn't being overheard. The camera zooms in. "He's not the only one," he whispers. "A recent episode, 'As The Stomach Turns', produced more than its fair share of bloopers. Check this out."

****

"And... Action!"

A good looking man with a beard leans over a cliff. "Oooh, I've got to see this," he says with a smile.

"Ares," replies our heroine off camera.

"Just hanging around?"

"….Uh…yeah, but that's my line."

"<beep>," the god of war hangs his head.

"This is what you get for hiring a god called Kevin."

****

Cut back to Ted.

"And he thinks he's better than me," he laughs. "And what about that guy at the start?"

****

The drunk old man mutters to himself. "Okay I got it."

"Action!"

"In the land of the green sky, next the <beep>!"

"Cut!"

****

"We'll be back for more of him later," promises Ted, practicing removing his sword from the scabbard. "Forgetting lines is not the only problem; Xena is a costume drama and sometimes the costumes have a mind of their own. For example," he whips out his sword cleanly again. "I'm supposed to get the sword stuck. Anyway, check these."

****

"Gabrielle," Xena says softly, a smile curling her lip. She places an arm around the shoulders of her sidekick. "You know-" She's interrupted by a 'twang' and her breast plate falls to the floor.

Renee O'Connor smiles at the crew. "Who wants to re-attach it? I'll start the bidding at fifty dollars."

++++

Xena is seen hunting in some undergrowth.

"What exactly are we looking for?" Gabrielle's voice comes from off camera.

"My <beeep> chakram. It's fallen off somewhere."

++++

Our two heroines are pushing their way through a crowd. All of a sudden Lucy stops and taps the shoulder of the man next to her. "What's the time?"

He raises his arm to look at his wrist. Lucy grabs it and shows his watch to the camera.

"It's a Rolex," she says. "We're paying these extras too much."

++++

Voice over from Ted: "The rumour that film of this next bit from the reverse angle recently sold for $50,000 at a convention is totally unfounded. I didn't get a cent over $30,000."

"Action!"

The camera is looking up at a blonde-haired bard being dangled over a cliff.

"Can you see it?" asks the warrior doing the dangling.

"No."

"Cut!"

"What?"

"Lucy, why have you got your eyes closed. It's Renee that's supposed to do that."

"She's also supposed to have put some underwear on!"

A flushed looking Ms O'Connor is speechless.

****

Cut to Ted drooling over a monitor showing the clip.

"Ah," he straightens up and fixes a smile to his face when he realises he's being watched. "Remember our drunk in the bar? Let's see how he's getting on."

When he thinks we've gone he turns back to the monitor and rewinds the tape.

****

"In the land of the green moon, by the woods of the...<beeep>"

****

Voice over: "Acting sometimes requires an actor to perform feats above and beyond those normally encountered in real life. More often than not those scenes go without a hitch; it's trying to do the simple things that causes problems."

****

"Xena?"

The warrior casts a sidelong glance at her sidekick. "What?"

"Shut up and throw the dice."

Xena growls at the back of her throat, shakes the cup and let the dice fall onto the table.

One of the dice bounces onto the floor.

"<beep>"

"Try again," calls the director.

"Where from?" asks Lucy, accepting the errant die from a stage hand.

"Do it from the growl."

"Right."

Lucy takes a moment to compose herself. She growls, shakes the cup and throws the dice onto the table.

Both dice skip off the table.

"Aaaarghh," cries Lucy. "Ffffffff-"

"Fiddlesticks?" supplies Renee, hopefully.

++++

"Where did you get that?" asks Xena, she rushes over to Gabrielle and snatches the scroll from the bard's hand.

The scroll tears in two.

"That's torn it," says Renee.

Lucy laughs and throws her half of the scroll at her co-star.

++++

The camera pans down from a tree into a campfire scene, Xena and Gabrielle are sitting near the fire.

"This scene didn't make it into the final version. I wonder why," says Ted in voice over as the camera moves closer to Xena, who is sharpening her sword.

"Xena? Do you believe in true love?" asks Gabrielle.

"Is there any other kind? <beep>, that was sharp."

Lucy sucks on her finger. "I 'ought it wa' 'uppo'ed to 'e 'lunt." she complains around her digit.

"Are you okay to carry on?" asks the director without any concern in his voice.

Lucy nods.

"Keep rolling," calls the director.

Lucy continues, with caution, to sharpen the sword.

There's silence on set.

"Is it my line?" asks Renee.

"Yes."

More silence.

"Would anyone care to give me hint?"

"Start from the top," the director orders.

"Xena? Do youoooh!" Renee turns to the director. "Has she got to sharpen that sword? It goes right through me."

"Yes!"

"Xena? Do you believe in true love?"

"Is there any other kind?"

"I still can't remember what I'm supposed to say now."

"Cut!"

++++

"Action!"

"Xena? Do you believe in true love?"

Xena looks up from polishing her breastplate. "Is there any other kind?"

"There are all sorts-"

A bulb blows casting half the set into total darkness.

++++

"Action!"

"Xena? Do you believe in true love?"

Xena looks up from polishing her breastplate. "Is there any other kind?"

"There are all sorts of love."

"Hmm," Xena hums in agreement. "What do you consider to be true love?"

"Oh," the bard stares up at the stars with a wistful look. "The prince and princess, coming together against the wishes-Aaaggh!"

The campfire suddenly flares up. A nearby blanket smoulders for a second before bursting into flame. As a stage hand tries to beat it out, a spark sets some foliage ablaze. Within ten seconds a third of the set is on fire; the rest falls down as the actors scurry away and film crew rush in setting off fire extinguishers.

****

Voice over: "One of the many things Xena and its sister show, Hercules, are notorious for, is the recycling of actors. Sometimes this presents a problem for our leading lady."

****

"Gabrielle!" Xena rushes up to Gabrielle at the market stall. She pulls her sword and holds it to the throat of a surprised looking merchant. "Sorry, Campbell," she says and lowers the sword. "It was last week you were trying to kill me, wasn't it?"

****

Ted is relaxing in a chair sipping a drink and munching on a sandwich. "Hi," he says around a mouthful of crumbs. "Caught me snatching a quick bite to eat. Actors are very busy on set and eating is sometimes done at a rush. This can play havoc with filming done after lunch."

****

A very sick looking Gabrielle is sitting at a desk, quill in hand.

The director's voice cuts across the set. "Action!"

Nothing happens.

"Renee, action."

Renee pulls a face and taps her chest. "A bit of indigestion. Can we take five."

The director sighs. "I guess so, and you can wipe that ketchup off your face as well."

++++

Gabrielle, Aphrodite and Ares are on the ledge. The goddess turns to the bard.

"You-" She starts laughing.

"I can't believe it, the goddess of lurve just farted," says Kevin.

"I can't believe it's not butter," says Alexandra, and turns and grins straight into camera. "I wonder if they'll pay me for that when the blooper reel gets shown?"

"She's also available for weddings, birthdays, bar-mitzvahs, funerals…," says Renee.

"That's me. Always available."

"That's because you're a whore, Alex," shouts Lucy from off camera.

"Uh-huh. Just like you, sweetie."

"Except I earn more."

"Only because your farts smell sweeter," chips in Kevin, waving a hand in front of his face.

"How would you know?" asks Renee.

"It's how they pay me. You think I do this crap for money?"

****

"Enough of that," says Ted. He's in make-up having a lurid bruise painted over his eye. "Let's see if our drunk has got it right yet."

He reaches up to touch his eye. "Ow! That's so realistic."

****

"Right! Now say it when the camera's rolling. And... Action!"

"In the land of the moon….sorry, I've got it now."

"Keep rolling!"

"In the land of the moon... <beeeeeeep>. <beeep>."

****

"Not yet, it would appear," Ted winces at the bad language. He's checking his make-up in a hand held mirror. "The beeper's working overtime on the next bit. And she looks so sweet, too. Just like me."

He blows a kiss at his reflection.

****

"Action!"

The camera starts on a close up of Renee's face and slowly pulls back. Her eyes flick from side to side. "Go on!" she says to someone off screen.

"It's your line, Ren," Lucy calls back.

"<beep>. So it is."

Lucy's head pokes into the shot and stares open-mouthed into the camera. She raises her hand to her mouth in mock shock.

"All right! Action."

Lucy pulls out of shot and the camera re-focuses on Renee.

"Action!"

Renee starts to laugh. "Sorry," she clears throat and tries to make her face straight. "Ok, I'm ready."

"Just don't say <beep> again," Lucy calls from off camera.

"Shut up you, <beep>"

"Where did my sweet innocent Gabby learn a word like that?"

"You talk in your sleep."

Lucy and the crew roar with laughter.

Renee scowls. "I'm working with a <beeeeep> bunch of <beeeeep> <beep> headed <beeeep> amateurs. I never had this <beeeep>ing problem on the <beeep> Mickey Mouse <beeeep> Club"

"I didn't realise I'd been getting that much sleep"

"And you're just as <beeeep> bad, Lawless! I <beeep> never had any problem working with Hudson. Why don't you go and break another <beeeep> leg!" She drops her head in hands for a moment then looks up. "Okay. I feel better for that," she smiles.

Renee opens her arms and Lucy moves into shot; they hug. Lucy grins lasciviously into the camera and grabs Renee's ass. "You should lose it more often."

****

Ted is standing next to a wind machine, script in hand.

"That's all for this little insight," he says.

"You're needed on camera, Mr Raimi," a lackey calls.

"Must dash. Here's a final word from our old friend."

He puts the script down and moves out of shot. Just as he is about to disappear he trips. The sound of a thousand tea trays being dropped down a flight of stairs comes from off camera.

****

"Take 74. Action!"

"In the land of the green sky, by the woods of the moon, next the road to home," says the drunk old man.

The warrior frowns. "In the land of the green.. gree…."

"Aw now she's cocked it up."

"I'm supposed to, you <beep>."

THE END