Copyright©1999-2001 Elaine L. Becker
All Rights Reserved
DISCLAIMER: This story is an original creation and any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, real or fictional are unintentional. Any words to any songs or any poetry used in this story are attributed to their original artists in the story itself. Television and/or radio programs that are referred to in the story are not to my knowledge, real program content, but created by me solely for use in this story.
This story is about two women in love and may contain language or sexual scenes unsuitable for children or others who are easily offended by material of this nature. This is a story about same gender relationships. If you have a problem with same gender relationships, you should probably see your therapist. Hate is an illness that love can cure.
Comments or suggestions should be sent to: Womynstar@aol.com
Finian sat on the floor of her small balcony facing the dark woods behind the apartment building. Her eyes were closed and her hands rested, one upon each curved leg. Her back was straight and her chest expanded and receded as she took in long, circular breaths.
After a time, the continuous breathing began to cause her whole body to tingle.At first, the tingling was slightly uncomfortable, but as she continued her breathing, the tingling turned into a soothing vibration that grounded her and lifted her simultaneously.Her mind held no thoughts; it was open only to experiencing the energy that flowed through it as she connected to the energy outside of her. She was one with creation and could move through the cosmos uninhibited.
The dark haired woman wasn't sure that she could manipulate and use her ki in the way that she was planning on doing tonight, but she had connected with Caer through it before, more by accident than by will, and felt that her need to know that the flaxen haired woman was alright, would lead her.
She had not had any dreams of Caer since before summer solstice and though Marty had, for the most part, convinced her that the other woman was okay, she still wasn't quite settled. She worried that Caer's injuries might be worse than Marty had imagined, that perhaps Caer was unconscious or, even worse, in a coma and that maybe that was why she hadn't been able to connect with her through her dreams like they had been for the last several months.
She thought she had heard Caer whisper her name as she was being pulled away from her, but with the energy assault that had been going on in and around her being and the force of being pulled back, she wasn't sure if she had really heard it or if it was what she had needed to hear as she was ripped away, once again from the soul that was one with her own.
Finian's breathing had slowed to where the rising and falling of her chest was almost imperceptible and no sound escaped her slightly parted lips. The candles flickered in the warm, light, night breeze and the twin crystal that sat between them, caught their light and reflected it inward, causing the clear stone to seem to fill with fire.
The tall, beautiful woman was not aware of anything except the power that she felt building, even as her breathing slowed; that and the vision of a petite, flaxen-haired, Irish woman, that beckoned to her.
Finian's body gave a slight shudder as her essence escaped its physical constraints. It moved along a silvery pathway, avoiding other darkened pathways that branched off to the left and the right. Some of the pathways felt familiar as she glided past them, others felt unknown, yet significant, somehow, as if there was something yet to know, and others, still, felt completely foreign and unnatural.
Some part of her unconsciousness remained behind and stood as guardian as she left her physical body, monitoring her life force, observing certain physical sensations and noting things not seen with the eyes.
Her physical body smiled sadly as her subconscious noted a certain energy from her present life's past. There was a familiarity to the energy that touched her as she moved along the silver cord, a familiarity of something that she had briefly known and lost early in this life, because she had not been ready, because the time had not been quite right. She was touching the moment in time that her subconscious had accepted the knowledge that she was attracted to those of the same sex and her conscious self had chosen to deny the same. Her physical body experienced pangs of remorse and sorrow that her subconscious recorded and stored away.
Finian was unaware of all of the subtle recordings that were going on in her being as she moved toward her desire. The guilt and sorrows from her past didn't matter here. What did matter was that she find and connect with the life force of the woman who had forced her to consciously recognize herself, the one who had awakened her sleeping soul.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
She let her eyes close as she remembered Finian's face in the lake the first time she had appeared to her. Her essence reached out to that face, to that scent, to that woman.
It was bordertime, another time when it was said that souls could cross the veil and she had decided that she had to try. She had to be sure that Finian knew she was alive and well.
Her memories of the night she was injured were still somewhat jumbled, but the memory on her lips was clear. If Finian thought she was dead, she would have no reason to cross over at Samhain. She had not had any dreams of the raven haired woman since before her accident and she had found herself thinking, on more than one occasion, of the woman who had sat across the table from Finian the one time that Caer had willed herself to seek her out. She couldn't risk her anamchara thinking her dead and turning to the other woman who, she remembered feeling, resembled herself. She registered a pang of jealousy as her conscious being retreated to a place of inactivity and allowed her essence to go forth.
Her unconscious self watched as visions swirled through the stillness of her mind, pretending to be the dreams that her conscious mind would remember, as her subconscious noted them as memories. There were places along the path that she now followed where the energy was warm and seemed to tug gently at her essence as she passed, causing a yearning deep within her. Others were cool, yet inviting, as if someplace she might like to visit and still others were cold, energies that were incompatible with her soul.
She felt Finian's presence at the same moment that she saw the light that seemed to be gliding toward her along a shining, silvery path.The intensity of the light was so bright that her physical body registered it as blinding and Caer shuddered from the power that moved through her body. She was helpless to resist and more than willing to move toward the source of that power.
As the initial blast of blinding light faded, it left behind the image of double blue orbs, which spiraled their way in to her very soul. She was embraced by their passion and drank from their depth, nurturing her spirit with the nectar of life.For a brief moment in time, with the fluidity of familiarity, Caer was one, once again, complete, with her anamchara.
She experienced the vibrations coming at her as weavings and mendings of times and ages past, a healing of sorts, a sharpening of frayed edges of lost memories and a soothing union of her ruptured soul.
Her ki needed no direction and no urging. It found the familiar life force, merged with its parallel soul, and found completion there. The need to expand outward or further was non-existent. She had found the satisfaction that she sought. Caer's essence embraced her.
She, in turn, embraced the spirit that was as familiar to her now as her very own, and merged comfortably, yet eagerly, with it. Her physical body, seemingly deep asleep in a sitting position on the floor, moaned as a shudder passed through her. She was unaware that a flush had risen upon her cheeks and a light sheen of sweat formed upon her brow. Her breathing, though still steady, was becoming slightly more forced than it had been.
The two life forces melded and mingled, so enhanced by one another that they became one river of life that two souls floated upon.There was no separation of the centuries here. There was no time. There was only the essence of life. Without the constraints of the physical bodies that the life forces inhabited, there were none of the mental, emotional constraints that society and upbringing use to control with. Only two parallel souls, whose essence was so matched and so complimentary, that even the span of centuries was no barrier to their connection.
Finian was at home. There was no need for her physical body where she was and right now, she was in a place of comfort, love, and well-being. She was one with her anamchara's soul and felt no compulsion to leave.
Her physical body, however, began sending signals to all the levels of her consciousness; she needed to return. Her subconscious reached out to her, calling her back. Those safeguards that she had so carefully instilled in herself, through meditation, self-hypnosis and other means, went to work now. Her breathing started slowly and deepened with each inhale and exhale until it became connected and circular, bringing her vibratory rate up to slowly bring her back to full consciousness.
Finian's body occasionally shuddered as her essence began to separate from that of Caer's and reluctantly began to return to its own. She felt the persistent caresses of the other, so familiar essence as she was pulled back into her own body.
Her body reacted with a tidal wave of emotion when her essence entered the physical constrains of her soul's mate's body. Tears ran down her face, as a multitude of impressions, conveyed along the current of her life force, were stored somewhere in her memory for later thought.
She sensed Finian's confusion as her body reacted to Caer's essence, but the small woman was powerless to constrain the passion that ignited her spirit and she felt little resistance from the other woman as Finian's essence and her own danced the dance of eternal union.
The two life forces writhed and undulated, exalting in their joined spirits. Their corporeal bodies were powerless to control the energy that their reunion caused. Caer's subconscious felt no need to protect her from something so satisfying and so long awaited.
Finian felt the tingling begin in her extremities and was acutely aware of it as it moved up her legs. It meant that her physical body was once again filling up with her life force and returning her to her corporeal existence, but just as she was about to open her eyes, she felt a jolt rip through her that threatened to topple her from her sitting position.
The tall woman struggled to keep her breathing connected as she felt her ki slipping backward, away from her.Her breathing became rapid and she was suddenly aware of a familiar essence that seemed to be moving through her very being as she fought to hold on to her tenuous connection to consciousness.
She felt intense heat flow through her and her body shuddered almost violently as the heat seemed to pool momentarily in her lower body, before gushing forth like a waterfall falling over the edge of a precipice, causing her to momentarily gasp for breath. She felt the vibration building in her throat and was helpless as her lips parted and she heard herself moan.
Her breaths were coming rapidly and her hands clutched at the edges of the large pillow that she sat on. Her body began to shake harder and she suddenly stiffened as she felt the energy coursing down toward her root chakra.
Finian was powerless to control the impulses that were inundating her being and the tall, athletic looking woman was stunned beyond comprehension when the final surge rolled like a tidal wave through her, causing her body to be seized with multiple spasms that made her double over and clasp her legs together, tightly.
After what seemed like eons, the hunched over woman finally felt the waves subsiding and felt the excess energy leaving her body in little ripples that caused her to shiver as if she were cold.
She inhaled deeply, and slowly raised her head, opening her eyes as she did so. She was aware that her hands hurt and glancing down, saw that she had a death grip on the pillow that she sat upon.
Slowly, Finian loosened her grip and winced at the pain in her hands. She flexed her fingers a few times until the blood returned and the muscles loosened up, and then she rested them on her bent knees. It was then that she realized that her legs were still clutched together and her first conscious thoughts about what she had just experienced started to filter through.
Caer was alive. There was no doubt in the cerulean eyes that smoldered from beneath slightly drooping eyelids. She was exhausted, but her body still tingled from the touch of the blond woman's essence and she was becoming aware of a wetness between her legs and wondered for a moment if she had been unconscious for so long that she had had an accident. It had never happened before, but neither had she ever been away from her body for so long. She could tell by the stubs of the candles that still flickered that she had been sitting in the same spot for several hours.
Finian slowly relaxed her legs and little by little, inched them apart.She was very aware of the slight throbbing sensation that threatened to make her close them again, and after a moment's hesitation, she reached her hand down and felt the crotch of her blue, silk running shorts. Her own touch sent a shiver up her spine.
"Oh my god," she gasped; quickly pulling her hand away as the full impact of what had happened suddenly hit her.She slowly got to her feet and bent over to blow out what remained of the candles, at the same time, snatching up the large pillow from the floor and tossing it onto one of the chairs.
She tried to ignore the dampness between her legs as she turned and went through the sliding glass door into her bedroom. Sex was something that was still foreign to her. She had effectively programmed her mind and her body not to respond to sexual stimuli. She couldn't deny the bond that she felt with Caer; it had forced her to look at herself and accept that part of her that she had run from and denied for so long, but physical sex was still far from her realm of thinking or experience. She was still getting use to the idea that she even had a sexual orientation.
What had happened to her tonight was much more than the slightly erotic feelings she had experienced when she connected with Caer before. Finian had read about intimate cosmic encounters, which supposedly happened when two souls were astral projecting or traveling outside of their bodies.
'Well you can't get much more intimate than that?' She surprised herself by thinking, as she stepped across the threshold into the dark bathroom, highly aware of the dampness between her legs.
She was aware of the lingering resonance of her anamchara's life force as she felt her spirit returning to her own body. Slowly and with more than a little effort, she lifted her head from her knees, where it had fallen and carefully placed the palms of her hands on the pallet and gently pushed herself to a sitting position. Her eyes were still closed and her body trembled as she struggled to get some rigidity into her back.
As she wriggled slowly on her pallet, trying to get herself into an upright position, she suddenly gasped and her eyes flew open. Her movements were causing jolts of sensation to shoot upward, threatening to topple her over again.
Caer grasped at the pallet below her to try and gain some stability. She was breathing heavily and was becoming more aware of the sensations that were going on in her body with every breath.
"Goddess." She breathed as she struggled to gain control of herself.
Her entire being was vibrating, causing a warm flush to envelope her and making her lightheaded.She closed her eyes for a moment, forcing herself to inhale slowly and deeply and allowed the breath to leave her body naturally and steadily.She found her center and concentrated on grounding herself to the earth.
When her trembling had almost ceased and her dizziness had passed, Caer once again, opened her eyes. "Goddess." She repeated again as she exhaled slowly. She was aware that her womanhood was throbbing and it was anything but painful.
Caer felt a warm blush creeping up her cheeks as she slowly realized what had happened; and before she could keep the thought from entering her mind, she was wondering if Finian had experienced the same thing. She felt her cheeks reddening in the dimness of the hut as the thought of the other woman caused her body to react in ways, that before this night, she would not have imagined possible.
A noise from outside caught her attention and Caer quickly turned her body to face the door, wincing slightly at the twitch she felt in her right side.
"Caer, are you in there?" Enya's concerned voice rang through the hide that served as a door.
The bright sunlight streamed into the small hut, momentarily blinding the small, blond woman sitting on the pallet in front of the, now cold, fireplace. Caer quickly raised her hand to shield her eyes and before they could adjust to the light, Enya was kneeling beside her on the straw covered floor and Caer felt Enya's full lips on her forehead.
"Good." She heard the older woman mutter as she pulled back and heaved her ample body to her feet. "No fever."
"No, Enya, I don't have a fever," Caer said as she dropped her hand from her now adjusting eyes and got to her feet, "in fact, I feel just fine. Why would you think I was ailing? You just saw me last night?"
Her foster mother stood there in the sunlit interior of Caer's small home and looked at her for a moment before she spoke. She noticed the cloth that Caer held in her left hand and wondered at the strange looking texture.
Caer noticed her foster mother's glance down at her hand at the same time that she realized that she was clutching one of the garments that belonged to Finian.
"You've just not been yourself, these last weeks, Caer, and I've been worried about you. I know that you've been healing from your injuries, but I've been feeling like there's something going on that you're not telling me about".
Enya noticed the blush rising to the young woman's cheeks as she quickly dropped the item and quite noticeably, tried to kick it under the coverlet on the pallet. Her eyes quickly rose to meet the sea green orbs of her foster daughter and she watched the younger woman squirm as she forced a "caught in the act" sort of smile to her lips.
"Ah, that's just an old coverlet that I've had for years," Caer sputtered out as she quickly gestured to the still visible dark blue fabric that lay at her feet and quickly stepped forward, off the pallet that she was still standing on, forcing Enya back away from her sleeping area and away from her prize.
The older woman hesitated a moment before speaking. "I don't remember you ever having a coverlet of that color. All of your favorite ones were bright colors, especially the ones that you were able to dye for yourself when you finally got tall enough to reach the dying vats." The older woman winked at her fosterling and then continued in a more serious tone.
"So, you've taken to sleeping with an old coverlet for comfort and warmth. I was so praying that you would find someone to share your life with, Caer. I don't want to worry about you when I'm not there to look after you anymore." She held up her meaty hand to stop the other woman from interrupting and continued.
"No, wait, don't say anything yet. Let me finish." She looked at Caer, who closed her protesting mouth and nodded.
"Caer, we must talk about what is happening around us. There has been much talk about the uprisings while you have been healing from your injuries. I have not allowed anyone to speak of it to you until you were well healed, for a healing body needs no added worry."
"Enya! What are you saying?" Caer blurted out much louder than she had intended. "What has happened while you have kept me locked up in my hut? And what do you mean 'when you're not there to look after me anymore'?"
"Come, sit down." Enya gestured toward the small table that was slightly toward the other side of the hut near the food preparation area.
Caer followed her the few steps across the floor and settled herself on one of the small stools. She watched as Enya turned away and moved back across the room in the direction they had just come from.
Caer started to rise off her stool in a slight panic when she realized that her foster mother was heading for the fireplace and not to retrieve the item that Caer had hoped she had forgotten about with the quick change of subject.
She was certainly concerned with the uprisings and silently grateful for another subject to discuss.She felt a slight twinge of guilt as she quickly thanked the Goddess for the distraction that had taken the focus off her having to explain how she came to possess an item from the future; a time that didn't exist yet, and an item that belonged to someone who had always existed in her heart and would come to her from that non-existent place.
Caer came back from her thoughts and saw that Enya had somehow managed to coax a hot coal from somewhere under the pile of cold ashes and had a small fire beginning to lick at the opening of the shaft above, toward the breath of air that would feed it and make it grow.
She watched in silence as the older woman went through the basket of beverage herbs that Caer kept hanging near the fire and chose a handful, throwing them into the pot of water she had hung over the fire. She then turned and walked across the small space to the area where Caer prepared her food. She glanced down at the green eyes that followed and watched her as she walked by.
"You need some food on your stomach for serious talk." She said quite plainly as she began preparing Caer some breakfast.
Caer sat silently watching the older woman bustle around the small kitchen space. Her thoughts were warring with each other as she tried to focus them on the subject that Enya had raised, but her mind kept wandering to a certain blue-eyed woman whose essence she could still feel since returning from that timeless expanse where all perception exists simultaneously.It was where the two of them had always been. It was where they were now and where they would be. Soul bound.
Caer had a flash of a tall, raven-haired warrior sitting astride a large, black horse, a sword raised high in her right hand. Blue eyes stared in horror as she watched the small, blond woman, who Caer instinctively knew was herself, crumple to the ground before she could lower her weapon and stop the grotesque scene that was unfolding before her.
"Fianna." Caer whispered as her inner sight noticed the sunburst on the iron helmet that the warrior in her vision, wore just before the scene faded and she heard her name being called.
"What was that you said, Caer?" The older woman asked as she moved across the small space and placed a plate of bread and dried meat on the small table in front of her and then moved toward the fire to retrieve the pot of simmering chicory.
"Ah, nothing, ah, I was just thinking about the uprisings and was remembering the old stories about the Fianna and how they protected the people from the invaders of their time. I was thinking about how different it might be if the Fianna were still around. That's all."
"The Fianna. Ah, yes. T'would be a grand thing if the great warriors were still amongst us, it would." The aging woman sighed as she walked back toward the table with the steaming pot.
"Did you know that many of the greatest Fianna warriors were women, young Caer? And about your age, too." She added as she poured the dark liquid through the piece of linen and into their mugs.
"Ah, no, no I don't think I've heard that." Caer managed to get out as her mind momentarily flashed back to the vision she had just experienced.Finian may not be a Fianna in her present life, but Caer knew from the dream that she had shared with Enya, that her anamchara would come and rescue them from the invaders of this time.
"Well, 'tis true. How is it that you can become a bard and only know half of the stories? And the less than truthful half, at that?" She winked at Caer and smiled as she moved around the small table and lowered herself to the stool that squeaked slightly in protest.
Caer raised her eyebrows in question. "What do you mean 'the less than truthful half'? And besides, bards tell stories; no one ever said they have to be completely truthful; just entertaining."
She winked back at the older woman, glad that the mood had lightened some. She really didn't want to talk of such unpleasant things as the uprisings and she didn't want to have to try to explain Finian before she got here and it had come very close to her having to do that. She had a feeling that it was going to be difficult enough to explain her when she was here in her person, never mind trying to do it when she was still in a time that had not yet happened for her people.
Caer knew that opening and slipping through the barrier of times past was believed possible, because the reality of it was provable by one's very existence. But opening and being able to slip through to a time that hadn't happened yet was not thought to be possible and was actually feared, as it was believed that it was an empty void, a nothingness, where one could be lost forever if an attempt were ever made and were to succeed. And although her people were open-minded and believed in the afterworld and the otherworlds, they really didn't have much concept of the future. Their belief system was built mostly on what was and what had passed.
"Now then," the older woman said as she placed both of her meaty hands on the small tabletop and pushed herself up off the small stool. "I've managed to waddle half of the day away and kept you from your own and again you've managed to steer me away from what I came to talk to you about. You'll have to excuse your old foster mother for worrying over you, child, but it can't be helped."
Caer smiled as she rose from her own stool, both because she cared deeply about her foster mother, but more at the moment, because she had been able to steer the conversations of this morning away from every place her foster mother had wanted to go, but where she was not yet ready to go with her. She felt another small twinge of guilt about not being completely truthful, but she knew that it would be best if she kept Finian to herself for now. It wouldn't be much longer.