Disclaimers: Gratuitous cursing and clit pump usage ahead. Oh, and things happen with someone’s arse too. You have been warned.
This little tale is dedicated to our very own Perfect Angel. Long may she reside in the heavenly firmament.
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It was a grey and rainy day and Angel was sitting at her computer when she heard the doorbell and the unmistakable thump of a box hitting the front porch. As she yanked open the door she muttered, “Damn, I missed her again.” She watched the legs of the very muscular and very cute UPS driver saunter back to her truck and out of Angel’s life.
She sighed, wondering if she would ever meet the woman of her dreams, and picked up the package. She shook it as she walked back to her desk. “What in the name of Satan’s blue balls could this be?”
Angel stared at the package with her hands on her hips. “Should I open it? Or should I send it back to whoever sent it?” She looked up in the top left hand corner to see who it was from but all it had was a stamped address and no name. “Well, fuck a duck. Guess I’ll open it.”
With quick fingers the package soon was open and sitting out in front of the stunned woman. “Ohh my god. What in the sam hell is that?” She bent closer to the package to get a better look. “Ultimate Clit Pump.” She stepped back. “Who in the hell sent me a clit pump? What in the hell is a clit pump for that matter?”
It took Angel several minutes to get over the initial shock. Then her curiosity got the better of her. “Hmmm.” She very carefully opened the pink box and pulled out the mechanism. “Interesting.”
She pulled out the directions and opened them up. “Well, I guess these illustrated directions sure are an interesting read.” Angel sat down on her chair. She grabbed part of the pump and got a yucky look on her face. “It’s all slimy. Lord have mercy. Did someone test drive this thing and forget to wash it off?”
Angel wiped her slimed hand on her pants and closed the box. “Fuck this. I need to do a little research before I go messin’ around with clit pumps.” It took every ounce of willpower she had but Angel shoved the box way in the back of her closet. After all, if she couldn’t see it, maybe the temptation to try the damn thing out would go away.
*****
A few days passed and finally Angel couldn’t stand it any longer. The more she tried not to think about the clit pump, the more she really wanted to try it out.
“No way can I try it. It goes against every belief I have.” Angel paced back and forth rubbing her hands up and down her legs. Then she stopped and looked over at the closet door. “Oh, hell with it.”
She pulled open the door and tossed all the boxes she had put in front of the small pink box out onto the bedroom floor.
“There you are,” she whispered as she carefully reached for the box and lifted it up. “Methinks you and I are going to becum the bestest of friends.”
She walked over to her bed and sat the box down. With shaky hands she opened the box and sat everything on the comforter of her bed. “Let me get undressed and let’s have some fun.”
Faster than she had ever done in her life, Angel stripped off all her clothes. They lay scattered all over the floor and a few wayward articles hung from the ceiling fan. “Okay, I think I should lie down so I don’t fall down.”
She crawled on to the bed with her back resting comfortably against two pillows and the headboard. She spread her legs and said, “I can feel myself getting wet.”
Just as she was about to start her first clit pump experience she heard her front door open and her friend Stud yell her name.
“Angel, where in the hell are you at?” Stud walked into the kitchen and grabbed a cold bottle of Bud Lite. “Come on, Angel. I know you’re home. Your fucking car is in the drive way.”
Angel jumped up and shoved the clit pump under her bed. She grabbed her clothes and frantically dressed. She was nervous as hell when she walked into the kitchen. She hoped her friend didn’t have any clue she was up to something.
Stud turned around when she heard her friend step into the room. As she turned she took a large swallow of her drink. When she caught sight of Angel all she could do was spit the beer across the room.
“What the hell did you do that for?” Angel glared at Stud with her hands on her hips.
Stud tried to stop coughing long enough to take a deep breath. She pointed her finger. “OHH MY GOD!”
“WHAT?” Angel crossed her arms over her chest. “Did you lose more brain cells at work? I’ve told you several hundred times that those paint fumes will make you stupid.”
“Whatever,” Stud shot back as she decided not to tell her friend that she had put her bra on over her shirt. The white turtleneck was a great backdrop for the blue zebra-striped undergarment. “You told me to come get you when we had to go get Flasher.”
“Shit, I forgot,” Angel replied as she grabbed her purse. “Let’s go then.”
Stud tried her hardest not to laugh. “So what were you doing before I got here?”
Angel stopped at the door. “Nothing. I was doing nothing. Nothing at all.” She opened the door and scurried to the car.
“Nothing my ass,” Stud giggled as she closed the door.
*****
Stud listened to the radio station that Angel picked and rolled her eyes. She moved her hand to change the station back to what it was on earlier only to have her hand slapped for her trouble. That only caused her to look at Angel and again burst out laughing at her choice, or rather order, of her clothes.
“Stop fucking with the channels every three seconds. I swear we take you away from your PS2 and your fidgeting drives me nuts.” The frustration could be heard in her voice. The giggles coming from Stud were beginning to get on her very last nerve.
“I still wanna know what you were doing before I got there. You know I’ll pull it out of you.”
Angel panicked momentarily wondering if Stud knew. How else would she even know to ask such a question? For a brief moment she wondered if Stud was again looking in her bedroom window. No, she remembered closing the blinds for just that reason.
“Shut up and drive,” Angel growled. For a brief moment she wondered if it was Stud that sent it. She discarded the idea because if Stud had bought it, she was sure it would have arrived used.
The rest of the drive was made in silence, apart from the battling back and forth of radio stations. Normally, Angel would question the intelligence of trusting Stud behind the wheel but she was just too preoccupied with her own thoughts.
The car arrived without much fanfare and the two women got out and walked to Flasher’s door. Stud was barely able to contain her snicker as she watched the sway of Angel’s hips as she climbed the stairs; the bra still on the outside of her shirt.
Just as they were nearing the door it swung open. Standing in the doorway with a huge grin on her face was none other than Flasher. Just as she was about to greet her friends, something blue and zebra-striped caught her eye. Before hello was even uttered she was almost toppling over in hysterics.
“OH MY GOD!” Were the only words that would come out of her mouth as her eyes began to tear.
“What the hell is wrong with you two fucktards?” She was ready to go postal on the two nutcases laughing. She put her hands on her waist and waited for some kind of explanation. Of course that move only made the blue zebra stripes stand out even more.
It was all Flasher could do to point at Angel’s chest before breaking into another round of laughing. With an exasperated sigh Angel looked down only to almost swallow her own tongue.
Her arms flew up to cover herself. Why? She had no idea, it was just a knee-jerk reaction. On the other hand, at least wearing this particular bra on the outside of her shirt made it look like she had killer breasts. But she wasn’t about to admit that to the terrible twosome.
She glared at the still laughing Stud and barely checked the urge to reach out and strangle her. She reached behind her to un-strap the offending piece of clothing no longer caring who could see her.
“You evil bitch, Stud. You could have told me before we left!” She was now struggling to put the bra on correctly under her shirt. She was doing the move that was patented by all junior high girls on this planet. But it wasn’t made any easier by the laughing.
“But...,” said Stud in between giggles. “I had to let Flasher see this.”
“Yeah, she was just making sure I didn’t feel left out.” Flasher was now valiantly trying to stop her giggles.
Angel just gave up and rolled her eyes before turning and heading back to the car. She still had the presence of mind to give the two demented ones the finger over her shoulder.
As they buckled up, Angel felt like going for broke. After all, it wasn’t possible to be *more* embarrassed was it? With that settled in her mind she took a deep breath and steadied herself for the torment that was to come. Maybe they wouldn’t ask her why she was asking. Maybe pigs were flying across the frozen tundra of hell.
“Umm...can I ask you guys something?” Angel asked.
“Yes, your breasts looked huge in that bra. Bravo,” said the ever not-so helpful Stud.
“No, you crack head, I just wanted to know if either of you sent me a package?” asked Angel, striving to act nonchalant.
“What kind of package?” Figures that Flasher would ask the obvious question; the one she was trying to avoid.
“Just a package. So neither of you did?” Angel felt like holding her breath as she tried in vain to think of a way to change the subject.
“No,” they both answered.
Flasher sat forward in her seat and looked at the fidgeting Angel. With a wicked grin on her face she launched her assault. “So.... Tell me about this package.”
Angel let out a sigh and knew that the cat was out of the bag and there would be no salvaging this day for her. With a deep breath she tried to find a way to talk about the package. After all, not knowing who the hell sent it in the first place was killing her.
There was one thing she knew for sure. She sure as hell wasn’t going to tell them about the free gift that came with it. There was no way she’d ever get them to stop laughing.
Knowing she was going to regret this, but not finding any other recourse, she gathered her courage and just blurted it out, “I got a clit pump in the mail!”
Startled silence followed this rather loud, stark admission until Stud and Flasher’s laughter bubbled forward. Angel could do nothing but turn red and endure this most base humiliation. She figured there wasn’t much she could say, since she would have done the exact same thing if she were in their shoes. But once the laughter turned almost hysterical, she decided to put a stop to it. Reaching across the front seat in a surprisingly quick move, she grasped Stud’s nipple between her fingers and gave it a sharp twist.
“Ahh...OW!” Stud grasped the injured teat protectively and turned wide eyes to the now innocent looking Angel. “What the hell did you do that for?”
Not waiting for the obvious answer to the silly question, Flasher managed to calm herself enough to sputter: “Wh...what did you get again?”
“I’m not repeating it, you degenerate. If you perverts didn’t send it to me, then who did?” They all contemplated that mystery for a few grave seconds before Stud began snickering.
“So...a clit pump, is it like those pumps that used to be on high tops? It would be really good exercise for the hands and forearms then. Is there a gauge like for tire pressure? It wouldn’t do to burst the button of love.” Two sets of inquiring eyes focused on Angel and almost like an out-of-body experience she found herself answering.
“No, no, it’s like when you use the vacuum on a low setting with just the right amount of suction. If you’re careful...man, the orgasms you can have. Housework has never been so...I mean, that’s what I’ve heard, from...uh, from other people.” Hastening to cover up her blunder she dug herself deeper. “I’ll show you guys later. I mean, I’ll show you the box later! Oh Jesus, the clit pump! I’ll show you the clit pump and the box it came in when we get back to my house. Whatever. I need to figure out who sent me this, and you guys have to help me.”
“Well, make a list. Who do you think would do something like that, besides us?” Flasher suggested.
“Hmm...I can’t think of anyone.” Angel let herself ponder the dilemma for a bit, before an idea struck her. “Stud! Turn the car around and head for my house. I think I figured out a way to narrow down who sent me this. I’ll check to see where it was mailed through on the postage stamp.”
Stud dutifully turned the car around, figuring they could always catch the next “Live, Nude, Girls!” show. Flasher found herself lost in daydreams of the possible applications for the clit pump. And Angel sank into her seat fervently hoping that her sudden suspicions on who sent her the clit pump plus gift were wrong. She also hoped she remembered to stow the gift away, otherwise she was going to have even more explaining to do.
As Stud came to a screeching halt outside her house and Angel stopped thanking god for getting them home in one piece and all the cops for being at the donut shop, they all made a mad dash for the house.
“So Angel where’s this mystery pump?” Stud yelled at the top of her lungs.
“Goddamnit, you fucktard. I don’t think the neighbors a mile down the road heard you.” Angel growled as she stomped up the stairs to get her precious.
“Hey Flasher, how much you wanna bet that she bought it for herself and just forgot?”
“Nope not gonna bet with you anymore...I’m running out of bras, you freak.” Flasher responded.
“Pussy,” Stud sneered.
“Meow,” Flasher said, licking her fingers.
Stud’s eyes started to glaze over as she watched Flasher licking and sucking on her fingers. Flasher cocked her finger and gave Stud a come hither look. Stud thought she had hit the jackpot. She hitched up her pants sauntered over to Flasher and when she was close enough, Flasher smacked Stud hard upside the head.
“FUCK ME! That hurt! What the fuck did you do that for?” Stud growled while holding her head.
“That’s for calling me a pussy, you fuck,” Flasher answered as she flounced away.
“But...but baby you know I was just playing. I’m sorry...really.” Stud stammered as she watched her woman walk away. Good thing she couldn’t see the evil smile on Flasher’s face.
Meanwhile upstairs Angel was frantically looking for the package that her pump had come in. “Damn it all to hell and back. What the fuck did I do with it? I know I didn’t throw it away...or did I?” As she went back to her search she heard a loud smack followed by Stud cursing up a storm. “Can’t leave them alone for any length of time before they start some shit. Better get down there before they kill each other.”
Angel hurriedly stuffed the pump back in its box in a futile attempt to make it seem like she wasn’t about to get down and dirty with it. As she rushed back down the stairs she mentally prepared herself for the ribbing she was going to be subjected to once they got a good look at her gift.
Entering the living room once again she witnessed Flasher and Stud making goo goo eyes and cooing at each other. “Would you two give it a rest? I already have two cavities. Geez wait until you get home or anywhere that isn’t around me.”
Angel walked to the couch setting her pump on the coffee table. Stud rushed over and snatched it up, drooling over the picture on the box. “Nice, very nice.... Does the pump suck all the fat out of ya to make you look like that? If so, I gotta get me one.”
“No, you douche bag, it doesn’t. Just look at the damn thing and give me an idea of which one of the fucktards is sick and twisted enough to send me this,” Angel replied.
“Oh there are way too many to list, darlin’. Everybody we know is sick in the head. But I have a good idea who the sickest of them may be. Where’s the package? I’ll see where it was mailed from. But if it was mailed as a gift straight from the company, we be screwed.”
“I can’t find the package,” Angel said. “I must have thrown it away. But I don’t remember doing it and I couldn’t find it in any of the trashcans so who knows where the hell it is? It’s probably laughing at me in plain sight.”
“Okay but the burning question on everybody’s mind is....have you used it yet?” Stud leered.
The blush that bloomed on Angel’s face was a dead give away and the two idiots couldn’t hold their laughter in anymore. Stud fell to the floor holding her stomach and Flasher fell onto Angel’s lap.
“Okay, that’s it. I see you two are going to be of no help, so get out!” Angel yelled while pushing Flasher off and getting up to snatch the box from Stud’s hand. “Alright it’s time for you two to go,” Angel kicked Stud to get her to stop laughing.
“But babe, you gotta admit this is priceless and if it was one of us you’d be doing the same thing,” Flasher responded from her spot on the couch.
“True, very true. But I would like to think that I’d be a little more sympathetic,” Angel said.
After that statement there was dead silence. Then all three started to laugh hysterically. After they had calmed down, Angel took her new toy out of the box so everyone could bask in its weirdness.
Stud and Flasher had a good time putting it on every part of their bodies to see what it would feel like. They had a hard time getting it back from Flasher after she put it on her nipple. She liked the way it felt way too much. After much testing, teasing and laughter it was finally time for Flasher and Stud to go home and Angel to finally try out her precious.
*****
Later that night after a long shower, it was time for Angel and her pump to get down to business. “Okay Flasher and Stud cooties cleaned off, check. Lube if I should need it, check. Towels, check. Now for the finale,” Angel mumbled to herself.
Thanks to all the gin and tonic she had drunk that night she was feeling no pain and was really horny. She picked up her toy, lay back, spread her legs and placed the toy over her pussy as the diagram on the instructions showed.
Here goes nothing Angel thought as she flipped the switch.
“Oh...not bad at all. Very nice...doesn’t feel funny at all,” she said as she flipped it to the next level.
“Oh, god yes,” she moaned as the suction become a little stronger and she really started to feel it.
“Fuck me!” she screamed as she upped it two more degrees and the suction on her clit hit massive proportions. “Oh god yyeeeesssss...oh, that feels so fucking good...so good” She ran one hand up to squeeze one of her aching nipples.
“SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY!!!!” she yelled as she upped it one more degree and the suction triggered her first orgasm of the night. Damn that’s never happened so fast before. I really must find and thank the fucktard who sent this to me.
As she calmed down from her high, she removed the pump and set it gently beside her. She wasn’t taking any chances with new best friend. Angel picked up the free gift that had come with precious. Angel never thought she would ever use one of these toys but she also never dreamed of using a clit pump either. If the anal probe felt as good as the pump she would die a happy woman tonight.
“Damn. I haven’t seen a condom this small since my boyfriend in high school.” Angel put the condom over the probe and lubed it up really good. “Now I just have to find a good position.” Angel tried her side—no dice. Up on her knees—too difficult to reach with her short arms. Finally she decided on her back with a pillow under her lower back and ass.
Okay here we go again. It took a little time for her stop tensing every time the vibe came near her ass but when she finally got it in a little ways she was pleasantly surprised. All the little nerves around her opening were awake and humming; welcoming their little friend home. “Oh shit, oh shit,” she said continuously as the probe worked its way deeper into her ass. Who knew it would feel so fucking good? she thought to herself.
Once she had the probe to where she was comfortable, Angel settled the pump back over her vagina. ”Okay girls and perves here we go again,” Angel said as she hit both switches at the same time.
“HOLY FUCKIN CHRIST!” she yelled as her body, awash in sensation, left the bed. Angel never knew the vibrations from the probe in her ass would make the suction on her clit feel one hundred times better. “Oooohhh yeah....sweet Jesus...oh, god...oh, yess...fuck me...oh, god....” She moaned while flailing all over the bed.
The next orgasm to rock her body almost left her unconscious.
Angel had many more orgasms that night. By the time she finally had the sense to turn her new best friends off she didn’t have the strength to take them out.
Needless to say, the next morning when she awoke the anal probe was lodged in her ass and didn’t want to come out and the suction around the pump was such that it didn’t want to release itself.
“Goddamn motherfuckin’ shit. That’s the last time I’ll listen to those fucktards about shaving. If I had some hair the fucker wouldn’t have had such a good seal.” Angel screamed in frustration. She tried to figure out a way to get the pump off without losing a lot of skin. Making matters worse, she had to keep her ass clenched so the probe wouldn’t travel any further up her innards.
“I’m kicking ass and taking names once I find the asshole who sent me these two pieces of shit,” Angel muttered completely forgetting the pleasure they had brought her the night before.
The sound of the doorbell ringing was the icing on the cake. Hoping that whoever it was would go away she went back to working on the pump. The banging on the door quickly told her that whoever it was, wasn’t going to go away so she reluctantly got up from the bed and hobbled to the window to see who it was. If it was Stud or Flasher she was so kicking their asses. But lo and behold it was the oh-so-cute UPS driver and since she was looking up at the window as Angel’s face appeared she couldn’t even pretend to not be home.
“Oh this is so my luck. Fucked up that’s me. Of course this would be the day she decides to come to the door and not just drop and run. WHY ME?” she whimpered.
Angel decided to give up on removing the pump and the probe for now. That cute UPS gal wasn’t going away and who knows, this might be Angel’s only chance to meet her. She threw on a robe and walked very carefully down the stairs to the front door. Mmmmm...walking with this thing in my ass is kinda nice Angel mused.
“Shit,” Angel griped while clutching the robe around her naked body. “I look like I’ve got a hard on. Maybe if I just push it to the side....” Angel attempted to flatten the clit pump against her lower body as she opened the door. Unfortunately while doing so she accidentally turned the clit pump on just as she came face-to-face with her fantasy woman.
“Jesus fucking H. Christ!” Angel exclaimed while looking at the very cute and now very shocked UPS driver.
“Excuse me?” the woman said. “Are you Ms. Angel Dupree?” She looked awkwardly at Angel’s crotch. The strangest sounds were coming from under that sexy red silk robe.
“Ohhhhh, my god...mmmmmmm...YES! Yes, I’m Ms. Angel Dupree. And you are?” Angel valiantly tried to hide the overwhelming feelings of arousal that were pummeling her body. She was so turned on her nipples were poking out of that silk robe like two luscious marbles. And if she didn’t wrap up this conversation quick she was going to shoot her load right in front of this woman.
“Nancy Clark. Nice to meet you. Well, this is kind of embarrassing...but I misdelivered a package here the other day. It was, uh...actually my package and I grabbed it by mistake. You don’t happen to have it do you?” The UPS driver mumbled shuffling her feet nervously.
“Wooooo doggies!” Angel squirmed as the clit pump suction increased. Something must be wrong with the motor. Damn cheap piece of shit. “That package was...yours?”
“Uh huh.” The UPS driver looked a little sheepish. “Opened it already, huh?”
Angel was about to explode. She had two choices. To continue talking to this stunning example of muscular femininity or.... “Fuck it! You’re coming with me, sweet cakes.” And with that said, Angel grabbed the UPS driver by the front of her sexy brown shirt and dragged her into the house.
“You are responsible for this and by God you are going to finish it.” Angel whipped off the silk robe and revealed herself in all of her nude and clit pump suctioned glory.
The UPS driver looked stunned for a few seconds and then a big grin lit up her face. “Hot damn!” She started pulling off her shoes and socks and was soon nekkid as a jaybird. “You don’t know how long I’ve been wanting to do this.”
Now it was Angel’s turn to look stunned and also highly aroused. “What? You mean you’ve....?”
“Had the hots for you? Hell, yeah! This is a dream come true.”
Angel grinned seductively, “Darlin’ I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
THE END
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