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Hope you enjoy reading my story.
By: Heidi Dum
The twilight of the dawn shines blissfully in the morning. Oh, how mother hates when I use that phrase. It so appeals to me. A special time of day to me. The moon still shinning as morning approaches, dawn is here, but it's not quite morning. My mother says it makes no sense at all. She questions how you can have twilight and dawn all at the same time. I've tried to explain it, but have given up for it is futile she will never understand. However, I can still love the twilight of the dawn even without her approval.
My mother's approval used to mean a great deal to me when I was younger. As I have grown I have learned that all things seen and all things said are not always true. For instance, if I hold my face a certain way long enough, it will get stuck that way. Mother says this all the time. I once tried just that to test it out. I made a funny face and held it watching in the mirror to make sure I didn't move for three hours. When three hours time had passed I could still move my face, it wasn't stuck that way. It is my belief that our parents tell us tales just to keep us from doing things which they believe we should not do or that they find unappealing. Thus, I give little heed to the things like this which my mother states. Today my mother's opinion and approval means much less to me than it did when I was a child or even a year ago, as I entered my last year at the grade school; next year I will be in high school. I am growing up. She is still momma, but, nonetheless, I have learned that life will go on without agreeing with everything momma says and without her agreeing with everything that I do.
We live out in the middle of nowhere, or so I tell my friends. It is far from town. Once upon a time, it was a farm. Now, it is all grass fields and the pond down the way. Oh, and you mustn't forget the trees. I can climb the trees just as well as anyone else. There are just two neighbors. There is the Jackson 's, who share half our drive until it splits off to their house. Then on the other side much to my dismay are the Marshalls . The Marshalls ' drive is on the far side of our land, and that is just fine with me, Mary Sue can just stay right there on her own side of our land far away from me.
Adian and I race from the main road where the bus lets us off to the split in the drive every day after school. I usually win, but sometimes I let him win too, just so he doesn't always get beaten by a girl. Adian is my best friend. One of those things which mother cannot agree with. She believes I should be spending my time with Mary Sue. Oh, Mary Sue with her blond curls always in place and not a speck of dirt on her dress, no thank you!
Tomorrow morning ends the school year and then summer begins. Summer is always a time of trouble and tribulations between mother and I as we disagree greatly on how I should spend my time. Nonetheless, summer is my favorite time of the year. The horse runs wild in the field behind our land, though we are forbidden to go out there for the horse may run us down. Oh, how I would love to ride a horse one day, to feel the wind on my face and my hair flying behind me in the wind. Sometimes, I stand next to the fence and watch the woman back there ride the glorious black horse through her field. Someday, I will get the courage to ask her if she shall teach me to ride. Mother is the one who says the horse will run us down. I often wonder if this is just another of her things. I think she says things just to keep me from having fun a lot.
There is an old barn on our land. It is sturdy and strong for which I am grateful. Papa has made sure of that and therefore mother lets me play in there from time to time. The loft is my favorite place in the barn. Papa carried some hay bales up there for me one summer making it all the better. Mother lets me have friends from school over from time to time, we often play in the barn. However, most of them are afraid of the loft. I climb the ladder and jump down to the soft hay padded floor. They are chicken, afraid they will get hurt, I suppose. I always want to play in the barn with friends from school, but since they do not like it I have lost many friends and now I don't play in the barn often.
Tomorrow agrh! I must face tomorrow with my head held high for it is the last day of school. I see no reason to go. It is the last day and there is nothing to do. Who wants to sit in the hot school house all day doing nothing? The day is useless if you ask me. All of our books have been handed in, thank goodness for that and our papers all in and graded too, we've even been given our final grades. Then I begin to ponder if tomorrow were not the last day of school, that would have made today been the last day of school and there would have been nothing to do today. So, there must always be a last day or so I conclude.
Mother hollers, interrupting my thoughts “Jesse turn out the light. It is time to sleep now.” Sleep? How can I sleep when tomorrow is the last day of school?
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I was up early before my alarm. Since I was up; I went down and did my chores for I did not want them lingering when I got home from school. Problem being, I lost track of time, so there I am the last morning of the last day of school and I am racing around the house. I cannot find my undergarments or my pants. None of those frilly dresses like Mary Sue for me! Finally, at last I am ready. I run down the long drive to catch the bus just as it arrives.
As I run I think of all the mustn'ts and all the musts that I been told by mother I should do today. She is worried that somehow I would get into trouble on the last day of school. Why would I dare do such a thing? It would just ruin my summer. There would be nothing the school could do to punish me, but oh how momma and papa would. As I run, I also think of Adian and all the fun that we shall have this summer. We are excited to be going to high school next year. Momma says everything will change and that we mustn't be friends in high school. This, I do not understand; must just be one of her things again.
Adian and I are as different as can be, but we both love to run, climb trees, jump fences and swim in the pond. So, maybe we are not as different as one might think at first sight. He is a boy and I am not. Mother says that is fine for children but now that our time in grade school is over, that I should be spending more time with Mary Sue and the other girls. Yuck! Mary Sue wants to play with her dollies and toys with their fancy dresses and what's that she calls them… umm…oh, never mind; they are just clothes if you ask me. There is one thing about Mary Sue I must say. She is beautiful in her fancy dresses with her curled up hair that mustn't ever be out of place yet looks so soft. Oh how I'd love to run my fingers through her hair. The way she walks, the grace and the way she seems to float as she walks. I've never had these thoughts before, where are they coming from now? However; ‘tis Adian that I choose to play with. Maybe someday things will change, one never knows.
The bus approaches school and we all unloaded. Everyone aboard seems just as thrilled as I am to be here. The driver yells at the kids in the back, waking them up from their early morning nap. Such lazy kids, those are the ones who live in town. The bus picks them up first. I am the last to get on the bus and the last to get off at the end of the day, since I live so far outside of town. As I step off the bus I realize that it was going to be a hot and muggy day, more miserable in school than I had imagined the night before. We all filed into school taking our regular seats. I'm in the back; Adian was stuck up front with Mary Sue. It was okay, I was the only one in the row and I could see everyone watching the games they played as the teacher tried to give our lessons for the day.
Today she started by reading a story. Oh, how boring! She has read this same story oh so many times before. This time, however, it was different. I had different thoughts and feelings thinking of the words she read aloud. Was it really true that every girl grew up to find her prince, and every boy became a prince for that special girl. I surely didn't want to be a princess all dolled up in those fancy clothes. I didn't even like boys, well except Adian, and he was just my friend. Some of the other girls had got caught trying to kiss the boys behind the outhouse one day at recess. I never did understand why they would want to kiss a boy. I would never want to kiss Adian or anything like that. Is there something wrong with me that I do not wish to face the life of wanting to kiss a boy? Maybe there is something else out there that can be had. It's hard to believe that; for every story I've ever heard the boy gets the girl or the girl gets the boy. No thank you! I don't know what else there could be, but I imagine it must be wonderful.
Having lost myself in my own thoughts I find my teacher is standing at my desk. “Jesse, you must go outside now, for I have work to do.”
“Yes ma'am” I replied embarrassment quickly rising in my cheeks.
I ran to catch up with Adian. We reached the top of the hill at nearly the same time. I was faster than he, and he knew it, but it never stopped him from wanting to race me still.
“Hey Jesse,” he called, “race you to the outhouse.”
“You're on, ready, set, go!”
Down the hill we ran and towards to outhouse. As we past the grassy knoll just before the swings, I heard Mary Sue calling my name. I tried to ignore her after all I was winning the race.
To my surprise Adian yells from behind, “Better go play with her dolls or we won't be able to race all summer.”
Knowing he was right, for Mary Sue would go crying to the teacher who would let my mother know I came to a halt. Under protest, to the dollies I went. She had three dolls today, oh great.
“Hey Jesse, this is Beth, this is Sue, and this is Jesse named after you.”
Good gracious! A dolly named after me, what would come next. I looked at Mary Sue and asked “Don't you think since we're leaving grade school it's time to quit with the dolls Mary Sue? There are more grown up things to do in high school.”
Mary Sue looked at me with wide eyes, looking like she was going to cry. “But, but, but I love my dollies and toys.”
I sat on the ground next to Mary Sue. I had tried my best to avoid this but did not succeed. Mary Sue handed me the doll named Jesse, well at least I got to be myself. I began taking the dolls fancy dress off, Mary Sue looked at me and asked “What are you doing?”
My reply was simple at least I thought it was. “If this doll is supposed to be me, I will not have it wearing any fancy dress!”
Mary Sue looked at me with eyes as big as saucers as I continued to disrobe the doll. Then she proclaimed “You will have to wear the dress for that is all the clothes that I have.”
“Then I choose to wear no clothes at all.”
This statement upset Mary Sue and she began to cry. Oh boy, now what was I to do? I leaned forward and tucked her hair behind her ear similar to how I had thought about touching her hair this morning. It was softer than I imagined. Mary Sue looked up at me, big tears in her eyes.
Not knowing what else to do I surrendered. “I will wear the dress for today Mary Sue, just for you.”
With this, she smiled and looked away. I backed up sitting across from her still not knowing what to say or do. I don't play with dolls. What am I supposed to do? Just as I was contemplating asking Mary Sue that very thought she looks at me and opens her mouth, “Why do you like to run with the boys?”
That was simple, “Because, I always beat them. I am better than them and it feels so nice to stretch my long legs as I glide right past them.”
Mary Sue looked at me for a moment. “Don't you think it's better to play nice rather than rough like the boys?”
I wasn't sure how to answer this. I never played rough with them. I just well. . . . I thought and then replied, “I just like to run and swim with the boys. To me it's lots more fun than dollies and toys.”
As soon as I said it I wanted to take back those words, but knew it was too late. I threw down the doll and strode back towards the school. Even if the teacher scolded me for not being outside, anything was better than dolls and that look in Mary Sue's eyes. As I approached the school the bell rang. Yeah! School was out for the day. I ran to the bus wanting to be the first one there. I wanted the very back seat because you bounced and jiggled down the dirt road as the bus bumped along. Besides, I was the last to get off anyway.
The bus traveled through town. I thought of all the kids who lived there. Thinking how boring their summer would be with nowhere to run, nowhere to play, what would they do. Then I remembered, all their dresses and fancy clothes looking down at my worn out jeans. How they thought they were so much better than me. The bus left town and wandered the country roads. It was just Mary Sue, Adian and I on the bus. First the bus stopped at Mary Sue's drive and from the front she strode off the bus. I turned and watched her walk ever so slowly, gently, and carefully as to not get any dust on her pretty white shoes. Next was my drive, well Adian's and my drive. Off the bus we jumped and ran just like every other day racing down the drive to where it split. Since it was the last day of school I let Adian win.
Out of breath he looked at me and said, “Got you today.”
“Yeah and just watch I'll get you next time.”
Adian looked at me knowing I was right. Adian then asked, “You wanna play after we finish our chores?”
I replied, “Already did my chores, let me check with momma, I'll come by and get you if I can.”
“Sounds good, see ya Jesse.”
I walked into the house, smelling fresh baked cookies. Oh, it was my lucky day! There on the table sat a plate with two cookies and a glass of milk. I headed for the table. Momma took one look at me and said, “My heavens! What have you done to yourself?”
I looked down seeing nothing wrong. So, there was still some dust on my pants and shirt from racing Adian down the drive, no big deal. I pulled out the chair to sit at the table.
“Oh, no!” Momma exclaimed. “You go right on up those stairs, wash up and find yourself some clean clothes.”
Obligingly I did as I was asked, for those cookies smelled so good!
I came back down clean as a whistle, looking for momma's approval. My mother simply looked at me and nodded her head. At the table I sat eating my still warm cookies. Once I was finished, I asked momma, “May I go play with Adian?”
“I think you should go play with Mary Sue, Jesse. She is very lovely and you don't play with her often.”
“Ah, momma! All she does is play with her dollies and toys. She won't run or climb trees. She won't go down to the pond and look for frogs—“
“I don't know how you can stand to catch those retched creatures. I have to agree with Mary Sue on this one.”
“Momma, I played dolls with Mary Sue at school today, you can even call and ask the teacher. She had three dolls, one named Beth, one named Sue and one named Jesse, just like me. I played until it was time to get on the bus to come home.”
I hopped momma wouldn't ever figure out this half truth.
Apparently I had appeased my mother for she said I could go play with Adian as long as I was home before dark. “You hear me Jesse, you be home by dark, and you best not come home all wet again.”
I headed out thinking I am just going to get these clean clothes all dirty, what a waste. I went down our drive to the split and then headed down Adian's drive. As I walked I was making a plan in my head. I wanted to go to the pond where the frogs and lizards were easily found. Realizing I was already at Adian's, house I knocked on the door. His mother answered the door. She was a thin woman, small in stature not like my mother at all. I was nearly as tall as her and Adian was already taller than she was. Yet I knew not to mess with her. She'd give me a lashing without a second thought. “Umm, hello Mrs. Jackson. May Adian come outside with me and go down to the pond?”
One had to always be proper with Mrs. Jackson and always give her the details of where we were going. Not like mother who was just glad to get me outta her hair. Mrs. Jackson looked down at me, now glad that momma had made me change clothes I stood very still as she looked me over. “I don't know why you two play together so much. You best not be getting into any trouble. But since school is out and Adian has no homework, I find that it would be acceptable for him to go down to the pond.”
Glad to have that conversation over. I sat on the stoop and waited patiently till Adian came out. “Let's get out of here Adian.”
We walked back towards the split in the drive, as we neared it and I was sure his Mother would not hear me, I looked at Adian and asked, “How do you live like that? She is so different from you.”
Adian simply replied, “We're just different, I'm a little wild like my dad.”
Adian never talked much about his dad, for he had died before Adian was even born.
“Even so, I can't see your mother marrying anyone as wild as you.”
Adian looked at me and simply said, “I've been told mother has changed a lot since dad's death. We just live together we're not like you and you're mother.”
I didn't quite understand what Adian meant but I let it go noticing the change in his voice.
“I told your mother that we were going to go down to the pond.”
“Yes, that is what she said, so I suppose we ought to go to the pond.”
Something had gotten to Adian, I could only think that he must be thinking about his dad. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to not have papa around. How horrible that must be. I let Adian be as we walked to the pond. Just where our drives split off the main drive there was a small path that led to the pond just past the back of Adian's land. Adian finally looked at me as we walked along. He just looked for a moment and then he spoke, “I'm not much into looking for lizards and frogs today. It's too hot. Can't go to the pond on a day like this and not go swimming.”
I looked up at Adian, wanting to swim with him so much. It was so much fun swimming with Adian at the pond. In the back of my head were mother's words about not coming home wet like last time. I thought a moment and figured I'd figure it out somehow. I could probably talk my way out of it. “Sounds good to me Adain.”
We continued to walk down the path. Adian looked over at me out of nowhere and as he starts to run shouts, “Race you the rest of the way.”
I knew he would win, the trail was not wide enough for me to pass him, and he'd already gotten a head start. I ran anyway and soon was on his heels. Adian began to remove his shirt, his bare chest reflecting the sun where he was sweating from running. I shook my head and began taking my own clothes off. Adian left his undergarments on today, so I went ahead and left mine on too. Adian faster than me dove into the water first. I loved to watch Adian dive. He was so graceful when he dove. He reminded me of a fish, he just seemed to belong in the water. My dive on the other hand was another story. I jumped feet first instead, not wanting to make a fool of myself. Adian had seen me dive before but I was not in the mood for his laughter today. I felt the cool water on my soft skin. I decided that this really was a better idea than trying to catch lizards and frogs. I'd just deal with mother when I got home.
Adain surfaced long after he dived in, long after I jumped in even. I was always amazed by how long he could hold his breath. I knew he had waited under water till he knew I was in. He always was a bit of a show off around the water, although it did not impress me anymore. I just laughed as he surfaced gasping for breath. I had not thought to tie back my hair so my long hair was now plastered to the side of my face. I so wished I could just cut it all off and wear it like Adian's but mother and papa said I would keep my hair long like any respectable girl would. So long it was.
Once Adian caught his breath he began to laugh. “You know who I'd like to show that to?”
I had no idea so I just shook my head.
“Mary Sue, that's who.”
I looked at Adian with eyes as big as saucers. Why did he want to bring Mary Sue to the pond? What fun would that be? She probably wouldn't even go in the water. Heaven forbid she get her dress wet, or those precious curls of hers! Adian looked at me, but I was lost in thought.
“Hey! Hey! Hey, Jesse.”
I looked over at Adian. Adian then asked, “Do you think we could ever get Mary Sue down here to swim, maybe sometime this summer? I'd sure like to see that.”
I rolled my eyes, “Yeah, you and every other boy in school. What's the deal don't I entertain you anymore?”
Adian's eyes opened wide. He'd seen the look on my face just before I dove underwater. When I resurfaced he looked at me. “Ah, come on Jes, you know I didn't mean it like that. You're my best friend, you're the best. I want to hang out with you, I just think it'd be a cool site to see. Imagine her with her perfect curls and fancy dress all wet in the pond.”
I thought about this for a moment, and decided that that would be a site to see.
“Hey Adian, do you think she'd take her dress off and just go in in her undergarments like we do?”
Adian didn't respond, I wasn't sure what he was thinking at this point.
I began thinking about it. Mother did want me to play with Mary Sue more. Maybe she would come over one day and I could get her to walk down to the pond with me. I wasn't so sure about getting her into the pond. And for sure not with Adian around. That was not going to happen. I'd probably have to play dolls with her to get her to come down. Was that really worth it? Yeah Mary Sue was beautiful and everything, but I just didn't like playing with dolls. I didn't know if it was worth it, and surely how could I do that and not share the experience with Adian? He was after all my best friend.
My mind continued to wonder in thought. Just what would it be like to get Mary Sue into the pond. Would her long curls stay so perfect in the water, or would it plaster to her head like mine always did? Certainly they would not stay so perfect in the water. They would be out of place, but then she'd probably remember and tie her hair back so it wouldn't get plastered to her face either. And just what would she wear in the water, her undergarments? No I bet she had one of those special water suits the kids in town had who all swam in the pool in town. Maybe she had shorts and I'd get to see those legs that I could only imagine hidden under all her fancy dresses. I couldn't control my thoughts. They were running miles ahead of what I could keep up. Oh my, how I wished I could get her down to the pond. Or maybe her mom would take us to the pool in town. I bet she swam there.
While lost in thought Adian was able to sneak up behind me, he quickly snapped me back to the present when he pushed my head under water. When I surfaced he asked, “Hey, where'd you go dream girl? I was trying to talk to you, but you were not answering me.”
Still a little startled I simple said, “What did you want to know?”
There was no way that I could tell him about the thoughts that I was having about swimming with Mary Sue. He'd call me some stupid name like queer or faggot. All I know is that I was imagining Mary Sue all naked in the pond with me; her precious curls hanging straight down tied back nice and neat. What a lovely image it had been. It created a feeling I've never felt before, but I know I wanted to feel it again. A pang in my belly, well not quite my belly but I didn't know how else to describe it; maybe more like between my legs. What was going on? I didn't understand. Was this normal? What did it mean? I surely couldn't tell Adian any of this.
Adian didn't respond to me, just dove down under the water once more. I dove down after him trying to gain control over my thoughts. Adian and I continued to swim and play in the water for hours. Adian was fearless with his dives into the water, I suppose I always jumped because in addition to being a little afraid of hitting a rock or something, the few times I had dove in I made this huge splash that sent Adian into a laughing fit. That was one thing I truly admired in Adian, he always seemed so fearless and graceful in the water.
All of a sudden I noticed it was beginning to get dark. I looked at Adian, “We'd better get going. It's going to be dark soon.”
Adian just laughed and said, “Just a little longer, stay with me Jes.”
“Adian, I can't momma will skin me alive if I'm not home by dark. I have to go. You stay and play a while. I'll catch up with you tomorrow.”
I felt bad leaving Adian at the pond alone. It scared me that something might happen and there would be no one to go for help, no one to help him, and then where would he be? I couldn't think about this right now. I climbed out of the pond took off my undergarments stashed them in the bush and turned back towards the pond. “Adian, you sure you're gonna stay?”
I head his reply as he dove under the water.
“Yep, I sure am.”
I pulled on my dry shorts and t-shirt. Except for my wet hair I was dry, maybe momma wouldn't notice, or maybe I could sneak in the front door go up the stairs and take a bath and she'd never know the difference.
Having it all planned out in my head, I knew now the only thing I had to do was to make it home before dark. I walked slowly at first worrying about Adian and then worry that my mother was going to skin me alive for going swimming with a boy; girls just don't do such things she always said. Then I'd get it again when papa got home. On the other hand, if I'd been swimming at the pond with Mary Sue, it would have been a whole different story. Oh, how I wanted to swim with Mary Sue. I saw the sun begin to set and knew I must hurry and began to run knowing I must beat it, that I must be home before dark.
It wasn't quite dark yet when I reached the house. Having decided that through the front door, up the stairs and into the bath was the best way to go I headed to the front of the house. Papa would be home already and mother would want to eat soon. I opened the front door and tried to slide toward the stairs peeking towards the kitchen to see if momma was going to see me or not. With a jolt I jumped back as my foot came into contact with something. The stair step wasn't that close that much I knew. I looked down, and before I got to my feet I found momma sitting on the bottom step of the stair well. Guess I was gonna get it for the wet hair. There was no getting passed momma with her there. I looked again, momma had her head buried in her hands. I wasn't sure if I should approach her or not. One thing was for sure she hadn't seen me enter. I wasn't sure but it looked like momma was crying. Not knowing what was going on I was looking for a way to sneak past momma and get upstairs into the bath. Adian and I had sat side by side on these very steps a million times I ought to be able to sneak past momma. I looked on one side, then the other. There was just no way I was going to make it past momma. I could only hope that somehow she didn't notice my wet hair. It had dried some on the way home but was still wet.
&&&&
I entered the house through the front door, here was momma, my whole world, inside this house sitting on the stairs looking like she was crying. I knew she was crying now, for she was sobbing and they were getting louder. Should I go further in and go call Mrs. Jackson, or Mrs. Marshall? I couldn't call Mrs. Jackson, she'd want to know where Adian was. Finally I decided to see if momma would speak to me first. Going to my mother, getting down on my knees I looked at her, “Momma is everything okay?”
Momma didn't even look up just said, “Nothing for you to worry about dear, just go on upstairs, wash up and get ready for dinner.”
I headed up stairs with no protests for the second time today to wash up. Either momma hadn't noticed my hair or she didn't care, I wasn't sure which. I just knew she hadn't said anything to me which I was grateful for. But what was the cost of this? Why was momma crying so? I did not understand. If something upset momma so, why was it nothing for me to worry about? Very confused I ran the water for the tub and took a quick bath; washing my hair and getting ready for dinner as quick as I could. I even remembered to was my puppies as mamma had showed me so many times when I was younger. Momma always told me that if I didn't keep my puppies clean no boy would ever want me. So I tried hard to remember every time to wash my puppies. I didn't even know what my puppies were I just knew I had to spread my legs wide and wash in between them. Somewhere in there were my puppies, whatever they were.
When I came downstairs my mother was just putting dinner on the table. There was no sign of the sadness that had consumed her earlier, other than the redness in her eyes. Had I imagined the whole thing, had momma been in the kitchen working on dinner the whole time. I was completely confused. I went to sit at the table in my usual spot across from papa, but there was no plate at papa's place.
“Momma, what about papa, doesn't he need a plate too? Want me to get him one?”
“No Jes, papa will not be coming home dear.”
This did not make sense to me. “He'll be home in time to tuck me in right?” I questioned, still very confused.
“No Jes, he will not.”
Now my confusion had turned to fear. Where was papa and why wasn't he coming home.
“Well there's no school tomorrow, so he'll make pancakes in the morning.” I smiled thinking of the J shaped pancakes papa always made me on special days.
Momma's eyes began to water. I knew now for sure that momma had been on the stairs crying when I got home. As momma pulled the meatloaf out of the oven, all I could do was stare at momma mouth wide open.
“Close your mouth Jes.”
I shook my head. “But momma I don't understand, where is papa?”
Momma placed the meatloaf, mashed potatoes and green beans on the table. “We'll talk about this later Jesse, no eat your dinner before it gets cold then head on up to bed it's awfully late.”
I did as I was told. No questions asked. I was so confused, but didn't know where to start, and mother apparently wasn't going to say anything either. Something was very wrong but I had no clue as to what it could be. After I ate, I cleaned the dishes and headed to my room. I lay in my bed unable to sleep wishing I could talk to Adian, maybe he knew what was wrong, but that would have to wait till tomorrow. I laid there awake for hours thinking about papa, then realizing I would just have to wait on papa.
I began to think of all the things that Adian and I would be able to do this summer. We would catch those frogs and snakes and lizards, even if I had to hold his hand like a baby the whole time. There'd be long hot summer days swimming in the pond. It was then that I realized I had turned towards the pond fully naked earlier when I asked Adian if he staying and or going to get out. My cheeks flushed. Adian and I had always been so careful not to look at each other with no clothes on, that is why we usually swam in our undergarments.
This lead me to thinking of Mary Sue. Adian had kinda dared me to try and get Mary Sue to go swimming at the pond. I knew I would have to do it when Adian wouldn't know, but then he wouldn't believe me. So, how could I do it so that Mary Sue didn't know that he was there. That was it. Adian could hide somewhere and Mary Sue would never know she was there. I knew that in order to do that though I'd have to spend some time with Mary Sue and play with her dollies. Why did she still want to play with her dollies? Why wasn't she interested in boys like all the other girls in school. Hey, why wasn't I? Maybe I could convince Mary Sue that it was time she gave up her dollies as we were going into high school now. None of the other kids at school played with dollies at recess, and certainly they wouldn't be at high school. But just what would I replace them with. In order to give up something I'd have to find something for her to do to replace her dollies. Maybe I could just get Mary Sue to play with Adian and me down at the pond, if we promised not to go frog or lizard hunting, Adian didn't like doing that anyways. Then I'd have to share Adian, but hey then maybe we could just all three hang out together.
I started thinking about spending time with Mary Sue, maybe I just needed to get to know her some more, maybe I had it all wrong about her. I thought about taking her to the pond. We were both girls, as long as Adian wasn't there we wouldn't have to wear anything in the pond. Mother would be thrilled that I was playing with Mary Sue and mother wouldn't care if I came home wet every day.
I began to feel that same feeling earlier down in my belly. No wait, it was coming from my puppies. I reached down and placed my hand between my legs. It was wet, I knew I'd dried off after my bath, but even still that was hours ago. Then I realized this wasn't water wet. This was slick, almost slimy. I ran my finger back and forth trying to find where it began and where it ended. I touched a spot up near the top that made me shiver. It felt wonderful. I ran my finger down to the other end, no such feeling there. Back up I headed, all of a sudden my finger slipped into a little hole. Taken by surprise I jumped a little bit. Was this what mamma was talking about by my puppies. It was wet, and kinda slimy like it was coated in puppy drool, but yet different. I played a minute pushing my finger in and out. Oh that felt good. I tipped my head back and closed my eyes. This was good but not as good as that spot near the top. I let my finger slide out and lazily slide back up to the top. I found that spot that had made me shiver just a moment ago. I began to rub my finger up and down in just a small space, I could feel a little lump there, so just over the lump I ran my finger. Oh, that was so nice, I felt like I was melting. I heard a moan, I held real still, was I in trouble? What just happened? Who was here? Then I realized that the moan had come from me. Maybe I should stop? Maybe this is wrong. It felt so good though, how could it be wrong? I went back to rubbing my finger up and down over that small lump. Then I tried going side to side, that didn't feel nearly as good. So I went back to up and down. I was beginning to notice that it wasn't slick like it had been in the beginning and it was beginning to feel a little rough. I could still feel the wetness between my legs though. I slid my finger down, found the wetness covered my finger and then back up to that little lump. Up and down again. That felt so good. My mind went blank. There was nothing in it, just feelings. My fingers started moving faster, then faster more. Then I felt a quiver go through my whole body, I hesitated but kept rubbing that lump. Then the quiver deepened, I arched my back pushing my hips into the air. I let out a scream and then collapsed on the bed. I didn't know what just happened but it felt so good. I wanted to do it again and again and again. I remembered the scream that erupted from my throat and knew I couldn't do it again for I would wake momma.
I lay there thinking about what had just happened. What had happened? I'd never experienced anything like that before. If that was my puppies, why didn't mother tell me what my puppies were for. Just only to wash them? If that was my puppies, I had some mighty fine puppies. I wondered if Mary Sue had puppies too. I wondered if she had ever touched them. Then I started thinking about touching Mary Sue's puppies. I didn't think Adian would have puppies he was a boy. I think it worked different but I'd have to ask him. At some point I finally drifted off to sleep.
&&&&
I heard mother calling my name, “Jes, Jesse, get those lazy bones outta bed I've got to go to town this morning.” With excitement I got up and found my best clothes and began getting dressed. Oh how I loved going to town with mother. There are so many wonderful things to look at in the stores. Well I mostly looked through the windows for momma had never taken me in the stores. I imagined having a hat with all those fancy feathers hanging down. Once dressed I headed downstairs.
Mother took one look at me shook her head and said, “You march right back up those stairs young lady and put on some regular clothes.”
“But momma these are my going to town clothes,” I complained.
My mother looked me square in the eye and very matter of factly told me “I am going into town, nothing was said about you going. You are going to stay at the Marshalls . It will do you some good to spend some time playing with that girl of theirs, oh what's her name--”
“Mary Sue” I supplied.
“Yes, Mary Sue that's it. Maybe you'll learn to behave like a girl.”
Momma had a mean look on her face but I surely did not want to stay with the Marshalls while mother was gone. “Momma, you know I don't like her. Can't I stay with the Jacksons and play--”
Mother cut me off “No you may not. Arrangements have already been made, you will stay with the Marshalls . Now go do as you were told.”
Reluctantly I headed up the stairs to change my clothes. I began to wonder, why would momma being going to town without me and why hadn't papa come home yet. This was very unlike him. Having changed I descended down the stairs with the biggest, meanest scowl on my face that I could muster up. I stared my mother square in the face. “I don't like this,” I declared, “I don't like it one bit, it's not fair. And besides I am almost in high school why can't I just stay alone, I don't need a babysitter.”
Mother looked at me with her swollen eyes and simply said “When it comes to matters like these it doesn't matter what you like. You will stay will the Marshalls till I get back, understood?”
“Yes Ma'am”
Mother dropped me off at the Marshalls . The first thing I saw was Mary Sue. How in the world was I suppose to face her after what happened last night. I don't even know what happened last night. Mary Sue had her hair all done up in curls just like always, she had on what mother would have called an absolutely wonder pale green dress, I'd call it puke green, and clips holding her curls in place that were the same shade of green as her dress.
Momma looked at me, “You stay here with Mary Sue, I'll be right back.”
Momma went inside, I assume to speak to Mrs. Marshall, but couldn't really say. When momma came out she was crying again. I didn't understand. I'd never seen momma cry before in her life and now she cried all last night and was crying now again. It didn't make sense at all.
Mary Sue looked over at me, “What's going on?”
“I don't know mother won't tell me anything. Just that she needs to go to town and that with matters like this I don't have a say.”
“Something awful must have happened Jesse I am so sorry.”
“It can't be to awful or momma would have told me.”
“Maybe she's trying to hide it from you, to protect you or something”
“She's hiding something, I just don't know what.”
“Let's go inside and play Jesse.”
“I am not in the mood to play with your silly dolls Mary Sue.”
“It's okay, mother took all my dolls and threw them in the trash. She said that now that I am going into high school I needed to find other things to do, that dolls were for little kids. She let me keep just one. Come on I'll show you. Maybe then we can play a game.”
We went into the house and upstairs to Mary Sue's room. It was much like my own except smaller and the bed had all this frilly stuff on it and mine just had a plain old blanket that grandma had made before she died two summers ago. I liked sleeping with it, reminded me of her, it made me feel like she was still with me in a way. Mary Sue showed me the one doll she kept. It was the doll she had yesterday named Jesse. I tried not to roll my eyes. The doll was naked, but it was the same doll, same flaming red hair down to her waist that I had.
“Mary Sue, um, well, where are her clothes?”
“In the drawer, mother doesn't know that I took them off. You are right she is better off to be naked then in that silly dress. You'd never wear a dress like that.”
I stammered for a minute and finally was able to speak. “Mary Sue, you can't just keep a doll around naked. She has to wear clothes. It's okay if she wears the dress.”
Mary Sue looked at me and said “I kinda like her naked.”
I could feel my cheeks grow red. I didn't know why but I knew they were as red as my hair. “How about we find a game or something to do Mary Sue?”
I was desperately trying to avoid any more conversation about the naked doll, but Mary Sue was just not going to let it go.
“Jesse, I saved this one doll because it's just like you.”
I thought for a moment. “Mary Sue you don't see me running around naked neither should the doll.”
I paused a moment trying to judge her reaction. She still wasn't buying it. “You know I do have one dress in my closet at home for special occasions . I think that this is a special occasion. How about she wears the dress for now and the next time we go into town we can get her some pants and a shirt.”
I looked again to see if Mary Sue was going to believe that I actually owned a dress. I truly did have to wear it for some cousins wedding, it was really there and the gawd awful thing was pink nonetheless.
Mary Sue looked at me with questioning eyes. “And just what color is it Jesse?”
Feeling the hot flush on my cheeks I replied softly “It's pink.”
Mary Sue saw the flush on my face and knew I must be telling the truth. “Just so happens I have a dress that is pink. Let me see if I can find it.”
Mary Sue went to her dresser and pulled out a purplish pink dress. “Look Jes, It's pink just like yours.”
I was absolutely thrilled that the doll now was clothed. I wasn't sure that I wanted Mary Sue having a naked doll around that in her mind represented me. Did she really think about seeing me naked? Did she want to see me naked? I didn't know what to think about these questions. I tried to push the ideas for out of my head not wanting to even guess at what the answer to that might be.
Mary Sue very meticulously put the dress on the doll. I was just happy to see the doll clothed. Mary Sue looked at me with those bright blue piercing eyes almost as if she could see right into me and read my thoughts.
I looked at Mary Sue, not sure what to do next. I didn't have to make a decision for Mary Sue spoke first. “Hey Jesse, want to go down to the pond?”
Utter shock was all I could feel. Just yesterday Adian and I were trying to figure out what we could do to get Mary Sue to go down to the pond and now here she was asking me to go to the pond. What did she have in mind? I knew what Adian and I usually did at the pond, but had no idea what Mary Sue's idea of what to do at the pond was. I was clueless. Almost afraid to ask but knowing I had to.
“What do you want to do at the pond Mary Sue? You're likely to get dirty and even mess up your perfect hair.”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth I regretted having said them. However; this was my desperate attempt to avoid the pond with Mary Sue. Somehow I just wasn't ready to tackle that idea today.
“Oh, but I've never been to the pond!” exclaimed Mary Sue, “Won't you please take me to the pond?”
Great now what was I supposed to do? I still wondered just what she had in mind by going down to the pond. So once again I asked “Just what do you think we'll do down at the pond?”
“I don't know Jes, I've always wanted to go thought, but I've been afraid to. What do you and Adian do at the pond all the time? I know you two are always there.”
“Well, we go looking for frogs, lizards and snakes. Sometimes in the afternoon when it's warm outside we go for a swim. It's not warm enough in the morning to swim though, so we'll have to think of something else to do. I'm sure you don't want to look for frogs, lizards and snakes.”
I could tell that Mary Sue was contemplating this for a moment. She for sure wasn't going to look for frogs, lizards and snakes and Adian was right they really did need to wait till afternoon when it warmed up to go swimming. So just what options where there left to do? There was always just sitting enjoying the water and talking, but we can just talk here too. But wouldn't it be wonderful down at the pond?
Just then Mrs. Marshall knocked on the door. “Jesse, your mom's back, I think you'd better head on home with her.”
I looked at Mary Sue. “Guess we'll have to save that trip to the pond for later. I'll see ya well, later.”
I headed down the stairs and met momma at the front door. She looked tired.
“Momma, what's wrong?”
“We'll talk about it when we get home, don't you go worryin' yourself about it none.”
I knew that something was terribly wrong. Mother's eyes were all red, she'd been crying again. I wondered if this was related to why she had been crying last night. I looked towards her, “Momma, what is it? What's wrong?”
Mother was always up front with her when there were things going on, this secrecy and her tears had me filled with fear and trepidation.
In silence we rode in the car home. The silence continued as we climbed out of the car and went into the house. Momma headed to the dining room table. I figured she thought this would be a good place for a conversation, I thought this was bad, because it meant really bad news. This was a talk that I wasn't sure I wanted anything to do with, but I knew that she had to face it.
“Jesse, we need to talk about something very serious.”
I remained silent waiting for mother to continue, not sure what could be so bad. Though my thoughts immediately went to papa. Oh, no! I tried to hide my fear remaining quiet and just waited for momma to start.
“Jesse there's been an accident. An accident down at the plant.”
My eyes began to water. I knew this must have something to do with papa now. He must be in the hospital. “Oh, momma, when can we go see him? He'll need us, he'll want us there. He'll get better faster if we are there.”
“Jesse he won't be getting better.” Momma said as tears began to well up in her eyes.
“What? No! How? He has to get better.” There was panic in my voice.
“I'm sorry Jesse. It was bad –“
Without letting mother go any further, not wanting to hear what I was sure was coming I got up and flew out the back door. I ran so fast, as fast as my legs would carry me. Never thinking where I was going. I reached the pond and continued to run, climbing the rocks up to the top. I didn't stop until I reached that big rock that Adian always dove off of. I'd never been up this high before. I was scared to be honest, fear was the only thing holding me back from going to the big rock. And now without a thought here I was standing on the big rock. There was no fear of the rocks or the water today.
I sat down, pulling my knees up to my chest and began to cry. Tears slowly trickling down my face, slowly building till the sobs racked through my body shaking my soul. Not knowing what to think, I only knew that the only thing that could have happened was that papa had been killed in the accident. I couldn't bear to hear such words and had taken off before mother could get them out. I just couldn't hear those words. It was one thing to know but to actually hear those words, it just made it to real and it couldn't be real. How could it be real? Papa was just fine when he left for work yesterday. Then he never came home. I realized that papa was never going to come home. I rocked back and forth with this realization. Filled with fear and sorrow knowing I had to know for sure.
My head was spinning. So many thoughts were running through my head. So many I couldn't even begin to identify them. All I could do was sit there and cry wondering how I could know for sure. Wishing now that I'd stayed and listened to mother's words instead of taking off like I did. I knew I had to find some way to figure out the truth, but knew I couldn't go back to momma now and ask. I'd run like a scared kid.
&&&&
Momma wasn't sure what to do. She wasn't worried about herself, nor how she'd make ends meet. She was worried about nothing but Jesse. She knew though that even though Jesse didn't get to spend a lot of time with her father, that Jesse's father meant the world to her. Now Jesse had gone, just taken off without saying a word. Where would Jesse go? Then she thought of Adian, they were always together. Maybe Jesse had gone there. She hurried down the drive through the split and down to the Jackson 's house. She was totally out of breath by the time she got there. She didn't care at that moment. She didn't even knock politely on the door. She pounded her fist on the door, knowing Mrs. Jackson would be at work. Hoping that Jess had come here and that she and Adian were still here.
There was no answer. She pounded harder more scared then she'd ever been in her life. She needed to find Jesse. What if they had left? Where would they have gone?
Upstairs rolling his eyes Adian glanced at the clock next to his bed it said 11:11am. Wow, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He looked around for shorts or pants or something to put on with his t-shirt that he'd slept in thinking it could only be Jesse. He heard the pounding a third time. Geeze what was she so impatient for. So it was after eleven am and he had slept in.
Hurrying down the stairs he heard the pounding again this time accompanied by his name being called over and over “Adian, Adian, Please open the door Adian.”
He realized that it was not Jesse. It was her mother. Oh, No! Did something happen to Jesse? Adian flew down the stairs and pulled the door open. There stood Mrs. Rackel.
“Adian, where's Jesse? I know she came here, I need to talk to her?”
She was so sure that Jesse would have come here. She knew that Adian's father had died, but didn't know when or how.
Adian heard the urgency in Mrs. Rackel's voice. Soon being engulfed by Mrs. Rackel, then pulled back as she stared into Adian's eyes she asked again. “Adian, where's Jesse?”
Adian was confused. He'd only been to Jesse's house a few times and was always just given a quick glance as Mrs. Rackel would get him out a snack to go with Jesse's. He had no idea what to think of this embracement. Then he suddenly remembered Jesse. Why was Mrs. Rackel looking for Jesse? Jesse always told her where she was going.
Mrs. Rackel released Adian looking down at him suddenly realizing he looked as though he'd just woken up. Fear consumed her again. “Adian have you seen Jesse today?”
Adian still confused. He saw Jesse every day, not yet today but he did see her every day. Why was it so important to Mrs. Rackel to know if he'd seen Jesse. Adian just shook his head.
“Adian something terrible has happened. Jesse and I were talking. I didn't even get to tell her what happened when she got up and took off.”
Adian knew immediately that Jesse would have gone to the pond. Adian ran out the door barefoot, leaving the door wide open and left Mrs. Rackel standing on the porch totally confused. She closed the door and slowly sat down on the step. She believed that Adian would find Jesse. They spent so much time together, he'd know where to go to find her. But where would he bring her? Back here? To the house? Not knowing where she should go or be she headed towards the split in the main drive thinking that might be a good place to wait.
When Mrs. Rackel got to the split she realized there really was no where there to wait. She paced back and forth. She had no idea where Adian had gone, or if he'd even find Jesse there. She couldn't even think straight, couldn't think of a single place the two ever hung out. She decided maybe it would just be best to head back to the house. At least there she could fix some lunch for the kids or make them cookies. Something, anything just to keep her busy and maybe occupy her mind.
&&&&
Maybell was grateful Jesse had not been home at the time. Grateful she had not had to see her first reaction and disbelief. By the time Jesse came home last night it had all sunk in. Everything that Mr. Anderson had told her on the phone about Josiah, how horrific it was.
“Maybell”
“Yes”
“This is Mr. Anderson, Josiah's Boss.”
“Oh, yes, Mr. Anderson.”
“Maybell I am sorry—“
Cutting him off “Sorry for what?”
“Maybell, there's been an accident at the plant.”
Maybell was silent as she listened.
“Maybell, you see Josiah, he was putting chemicals in one of the feeders that was low.”
Mr. Anderson paused not wanting to continue, not wanting to believe it was true himself.
“You see Maybell, there are grinders at the bottom of each feeder, it grinds the chemicals into a fine powder.”
Mr. Anderson wasn't sure why he was compelled to give Maybell all the operating details, stalling he supposed.
“And well, like I said Josiah he was filling the feeder, it was awfully low Maybell.”
Mr. Anderson stopped again. Maybell knew in an instant that Josiah had gotten his hand caught in the feeder.
“Mr. Anderson?”
“Yes, Maybell?”
“How bad is it? His hand? Will he loose it? Will he still be able to work?”
Mr. Anderson hesitated for a moment. “Maybell, its much worse than that.”
Maybell's breath caught in her chest as she grabbed the kitchen chair and sat down. Much worse? That could only mean one thing. Not uttering a sound Maybell waited for Mr. Anderson to continue.
“Maybell, he was down in the pit alone, that's where the feeders are, in the pit. Jack and Bill knew he was there, but he'd gone down alone. Jack went to check on him for it'd been an awfully long time. Maybell, the grinder pulled Josiah's arm in.”
Maybell held her breath not wanting to hear anymore, but knew she needed to hear everything.
“Maybell, the grinder, it ground up his arm. Then it started to pull him in. His head Maybell, it jammed the feeder. His head when it jammed the feeder, it caused the feeder to stop. That is how Jack found him. Jack immediately shut off the feeder Maybell. But it was too late. The feeder had done too much damage. He was gone.”
Mr. Anderson was quiet, letting Maybell digest what he had just told her.
“Maybell?”
“Yes, Mr. Anderson ?”
“I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. There was nothing we could do. We're not even sure why his hand had gotten that far into the feeder. We removed him Maybell, but we need to know what you want to do now.”
“I'll be in tomorrow morning Mr. Anderson. Thank you for letting me know.”
With that Maybell sat very still not sure what exactly she had just been told. All she knew was that it meant Josiah was gone. He'd been killed in the accident. She sat in the kitchen chair numb, for how long she didn't know. Then the tears had come. Her beloved Josiah.
She looked outside. It was getting near dark. Jesse would be home soon. It had been warm that day so she knew Jesse would try and sneak in the front door with her wet clothes. Hoping to avoid Jesse just a bit longer, giving herself a little more time to compose herself, she went and sat on the stairwell by the front door. Continuing to try and calm herself before Jesse got home, she just sat on the steps.
She realized as she began to calm that if Jesse was going to try and sneak in that it would be through the front door. As she knew Maybell would be in the kitchen making dinner. Maybell continued to sit where she was. Maybe this was for the best. She remained sitting on the stairwell waiting for Jesse to come in. Feeling the need to tell Jesse right away. She waited for Jesse to come home, waited for what seemed a very long time. Jesse Finally came in. Maybell wasn't able to say a word.
&&&&
Adian ran as quickly as he could. Down to the pond hoping he would find me there. As he approached the pond he looked all around. He couldn't see me anywhere. He called out my name, I did not respond. Looked like he was about to leave, but was not sure where else to look. Adian heard the soft sound of me crying. Adain turned and looked again trying to listen, trying to figure out where was the sound coming from? he called my name one last time, soft and gentle this time.
“Jesse”
From above him he heard my soft hesitant reply “Adian?”
Adian looked up towards me, where the sound had come from. Up on the rock he always dove off of there I sat. Knees drawn up to my chest arms wrapped tightly around my legs, rocking back and forth. Myhead turned up, but my chin resting lightly on my knees. Adian could see my tear streaked face. Adian began to climb the rocks towads me, his friend. I could see the concern in his eyes. As Adian climbed higher I began to cry again, as Adian got closer the tears turned to sobs, as he neared me they grew even louder echoing across the pond.
Adian didn't know what had happened but knew it must be bad if I was crying. I never cried. I could tell that Adian was running scenarios though his head. It seemed he couldn't think of anything that would make me cry, nothing at all.
As Adian reached the rock where I was he called to me, “Hey Jes.”
He got no response. Again he spoke my name softly, “Jesse.”
I looked up at Adian. I stood and took off down the rocks and down the trail. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me again. Adian stayed on the rock knowing I could run much faster than he could and there was no way he would ever catch me. He sat and contemplated just what to do.
After several moments Adian decided he'd better go and tell Mrs. Rackel that he had at least found Jesse. But know he also had to tell her that Jesse wouldn't talk to him and that she had taken off and that Jesse had no idea where she'd gone. Felling confused and not sure what to do Adian sat down on the rock in the place Jesse had just been.
&&&&
I ran blindly down the path. I got to the split in the drive and continued to run down the main drive my cheeks streaked with wet tears. I reached the end of the main drive, turned left and continued to run. I ran past Mary Sue's house, past the Drapers dairy farm all the way into town. I found myself on the edge of town some five miles away from home. I looked around not sure just quite how I'd gotten there or what I was supposed to do now that I was in town.
I then remembered talking to momma, something about an accident, but I'd taken off before momma could tell me what had happened. Then I remembered Adian coming to the pond and running again. I realized I couldn't keep running. That I had to find out what happened.
Papa hadn't yet come home. All momma could do was cry. I could only guess that all this must have something to do with papa. Upon this realization I decided I was determined to find out what happened. The accident must have something to do with papa, and since papa hadn't come home it must have to do with work. Determination running my thoughts I decided to go to the plant. Papa must still be at the plant. Papa must have had to deal with the accident. Though in the back of my head I was afraid my worst fears would be confirmed.
I walked slowly towards the plant trying to calm myself down. When I got to the pant I went straight to the office. I walked in like I belonged, announced with a steady voice to the attendant, “I'm Jesse Rankel and I'm here to speak to my Father.”
The attendant very well aware of the accident the previous day looked at me and guessed that I did not yet know what had happened.
“Let me get Mr. Anderson, He'll be right out.”
“I don't want to see Mr. Anderson. I am here to see my father.”
I could tell the attendant was wondering now if I knew but just didn't believe that my father had been killed the attendant went and got Mr. Anderson without another word.
Mr. Anderson came out and sat in one of the chairs in the waiting room.
“Jesse, why don't you come sit and talk with me a minute.”
“I don't want to sit with you, or talk with you. I want to see my father.” I screamed as wet tears began sliding down my face again.
Mr. Anderson looked at his attendant and spoke in a calm cool voice, “I'm going to have to be gone for a few hours. Refer all questions to Ralph, and please advise him of my absence.”
Mr. Anderson looked at me. “let's go hun.”
“I'm not going anywhere, I want to see papa.”
“Jesse we'll see about seeing your dad, but first we need to let your mom know where you are, I am sure she is awfully worried about you. Let's go get her first then we'll see about your dad.”
After several moments I agreed to go with Mr. Anderson. We walked out into the parking lot and got into Mr. Anderson's car and began down the road towards my house. Mr. Anderson got out of the car and knocked on the door when we reached my house. I remained in Mr. Anderson's car. Mother answered the door, a worried look on her face when she saw it was Mr. Anderson.
“Maybell, I have Jesse, she came to the pant looking for Josiah. Have you told her what happened yet?”
Maybell looked at Mr. Anderson.
“I tried to Mr. Anderson. She took off before I could tell her that the accident had to do with Josiah, let alone that he had died.”
“Maybell, She's out in the car. She showed up at the plant. I think it be best if maybe we both talked to her.”
They looked out to the car where Isat in the front seat staring at them. Momma looked over at Mr Anderson. Then followed him out to his car. There I sat staring straight ahead out the front windshield. Momma walked slowly to the car, Mr. Anderson at her side. Momma opened the car door and looked at me.
“Jes, come on out. We need to talk. Mr. Anderson is here too. We can all talk.”
I contemplated not getting out of the car. I knew something bad had happened to papa. I still wasn't sure she wanted to know just what it was. I thought back to momma sitting on the stairs and papa not coming home. Tears slowly trickled down my face as I remembered momma telling me there'd been an accident. I decided I really had no choice and slowly climbed out of the car looking up at Mr. Anderson and momma.
I knew what was coming. There was only one thing that all this could mean. I finally conceited that the reality was that papa was dead. The acknowledgement hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew it had to be true. I didn't want to hear the words out loud. Just couldn't bear the thought of hearing those words.
Mother looked at me as I crawled out of the car. She saw tears once again sliding down my cheeks. I was so mad at myself, never in my life had I cried like this and everyone had seen me. How embarrassing. I turned and looked at mother. I saw the pleading look in mothers eyes. I slowly walked toward mother and Mr. Anderson. Mother wrapped her arms around me. The three of us stood silently not saying anything. I pulled back, looked at Mr. Anderson.
“Mr. Anderson?” I asked knowing I needed to hear this from the source.
“Yes, Jesse.”
“The accident that momma was talking about, it was at the plant right?”
“Yes Jesse it was.”
“And Mr. Anderson, my papa was involved in the accident wasn't he?”
“Yes Jesse he was.”
I looked at mother knowing what had to come next but not sure now that Mr. Anderson was the one I wanted to ask. Making up my mind I looked back at Mr. Anderson.
“Mr. Anderson, Is it true that papa was killed in the accident?”
Following my matter of fact line of questioning Mr. Anderson. “Yes Jesse, your papa was killed in the accident.”
I wasn't sure what to say. I had known it was true, but now I had heard it with my own two ears. I looked back to mother.
“Momma, what happens know? We won't have any money.”
“Jesse we'll be okay”
Mr. Anderson looked at me, knowing he had to explain how these things worked to this girl that although he had watched grow up for so long he still saw as being so sweet and innocent, so not ready to take on the adult worries that he knew I would be burden with.
“Jesse you'll be okay. You and your momma will be just fine. Your father had insurance, and the plant has insurance. Your mother will get a check every month for the same amount your papa got a check for. You won't have to worry about money, that won't change a bit.”
I looked at Mr. Anderson with wide eyes. I didn't know what to think. I finally let go of mother.
“Mr. Anderson.”
“Yes Jesse.”
“I think it's time for you to go. Momma and I need to talk.”
“No problem Jesse. I'm sorry about your papa Jesse. I really am.”
“I know Mr. Anderson.”
Mr. Anderson walked to his car got in and drove off heading back into town.
I looked up at mother.
“Momma, I know I said we needed to talk. But I need to go down to the pond first for a while.”
“Jesse you want some lunch first?”
“I'll make a sandwich and take it with me.”
&&&&
At the pond I looked up and saw Adian still sitting on the big rock. I decided to climb up onto the rock. Reaching the rock I sat next to Adian. Adian looked over but didn't say a word. I turned my back so that I could lean against Adian's back. I wasn't ready to talk, but didn't want Adian to leave.
I sat on the rock just thinking for a long time. Adian didn't have a father, neither did Mary Sue. They seemed to do okay without one. Maybe things would be okay after all. It just that it hurt so much right now. I wanted to talk to Adian but wasn't sure that Asian would want to talk to me. I'd taken off on him earlier without saying anything at all. Yet Adian was still here. So maybe Adian would talk to me. I didn't know how to begin a conversation with Adian. I wasn't sure what to even tell him. I was scared to tell him that papa was now dead. I'd heard those words, but wasn't sure I was ready to speak them aloud.
I turned to the side facing the pond now sitting next to Adian.
“Adian.”
Adian just sat starring at the pond. I wasn't sure what to do now, maybe Adian wasn't interested in talking to me.
“Adian, can we talk?”
Adian turned to Jesse.
“Jes, I don't know what happened but you mother woke me up this morning pounding on the door worried sick about where you were. I take off, heading down here thinking you would have come here Jes. I don't even have shoes on, I just took off, because of the fear in her eyes. Then I get here and you were here. You were sitting up here on this very rock. Some place I've never seen you go. You've never climbed this high Jes. I try and climb to talk to you worried sick that something is wrong. Then without a word you take off running. What am I suppose to do Jesse? I can't go back and tell your mother that I found you but that you took off again. So what was I supposed to do? I couldn't go back home. So all day I've been sitting here worried about what happened, where you went. Jesse you better believe we need to talk.”
I looked down at my shoes knowing that I'd hurt Adian. I knew I had to fix this, but didn't know if I could fix it now. Yet I didn't think I could talk to Adian about papa unless I fixed this with Adian. Maybe I could open the door to one with the other.
I took a breath, my eyes looking out over the pond. “Adian I am sorry about this morning—“
“Sorry? Sorry is all I get Jesse? I thought we were better friends then that.” Adian started to stand.
I reached up put a hand on Adian's shoulder “Adian, please wait, let me finish.”
Adian sat back down “Okay go ahead, I'm listening.”
“Adian last night when I got home momma was on the stairs crying. I didn't know what happened, and she didn't say anything. Well not really. Then this morning she went into town leaving me at Mary Sue's.”
I could see the anger continuing to build in Adian's eyes.
“Adian, she never goes into town and doesn't take me with her. Then when she came home she picked me up. We went home and we started to talk. She told me there'd been an accident. I didn't know what to do Adian. I ran and then when you came here I knew she'd sent you so I ran again. I knew it must have had something to do with papa because papa never came home last night. Anyway Adian, you don't want to hear all the details, but papa was killed in an accident at the plant yesterday.”
Jesse paused.
“Adian I'm sorry I took off on you. I couldn't face you. I couldn't face anyone. But I especially couldn't face you Adian. Adian I couldn't face you because I know your dad died. I knew you were doing just fine without a dad. I couldn't talk to you Adian. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but I just couldn't do it. I'm sorry I took off on you. It was the wrong thing to do. I should have at least said something, anything first.”
Adian didn't know what to say. I didn't know that Adian had never known his dad. His dad died before he was ever born, but Adian knew I didn't know that and understood why I couldn't talk to him earlier.
Adian wrapped his arm around me. “I'm sorry Jes. I shouldn't have blown up at you like that. I know you'd never take off on me unless there was a good reason. You had your reason and I just got mad because I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I'm sorry about your dad. I don't know what to say Jesse. I never had to deal with my dad dying. He died before I was born. I never knew him. It's always been just me and mom.”
I stared at Adian, I had no idea.
“Hey, Adian.”
“Yeah.”
“Wanna go for a swim.”
“Beat you to the other side Jes.”
We stripped off their clothes and dove into the water, racing across to the other side. I beat Adian to the other side. When Adian surfaced he looked at me.
“Jesse, you dove off the rock?”
“Looks like I did.”
We swam till it was getting dark. Talking intermittently as they swam, working things out and making plans for the summer.
“Hey Jesse, we'd better head on home, it's gonna be dark soon and your momma will be real mad if you're not home by dark”
I looked around not noticing how dark it'd started getting. I climbed out of the pond.
“Come on Adian, let's go, don't wanna be in trouble.”
I put my clothes on not worrying that momma would know that I was wet and had been in the pond. Somehow I didn't think that momma was going to care today.
“Hey Jesse, race you to the split.”
Without a word Adian raced past me. I took off trying to put my other shoe on at the same time. By the time I got my shoe on I was far behind Adian, I couldn't even see him. When I got to the split, there sat Adian on the post looking smug.
“Gotcha Jes.”
“Okay, I'll give you that one, but you cheated.”
“Nope it was fair. See you Jes.”
“Yeah, see you Adian.”
I headed towards home. Not sure I wanted to see momma. Not sure I wanted to go back to reality. Adian and I had just swam talking about random things, not talking about my dad even once. I was sure momma would want to talk about papa, and I just wasn't ready to do that yet. I still wasn't sure what I thought about it. It still didn't feel real, and I wasn't sure that I wanted it to feel real.
I snuck in the front door hoping she wouldn't find momma on the steps again. Hearing momma in the kitchen I headed upstairs to the bathroom. I took a quick bath then headed towards my room. I knew that I should go down and face momma, at least have dinner, but I just didn't know if I had it in me or not. Just as I got up to cross the room deciding I should go down stairs there was a knock on her door. Iopened the door.
“Hi, momma.”
“Jesse you gonna come down and eat.”
“Yeah was just on my way. Adian and I were swimming in the pond and I just got outta the tub.” I decided that there was no reason to tell her mother anything more than that.
We headed downstairs for supper. We sat across from each other at the table eating in silence. I finished and started cleaning up the dishes.
“Jesse, let me take care of that,” momma said.
I was surprised that mother was offering to do the dishes.
“Momma, I'm gonna head to bed then.”
“Okay, night Jes.”
&&&&
I headed downstairs for breakfast smelling the bacon and eggs momma was cooking. I had no more than sat down when her mother started talking. I had to shake my head, I wasn't even dressed yet, and hadn't heard a word that momma had said.
“Hang on momma, can you start over, I'm just not quite awake yet.”
“Jesse I've got to go into town to take care of some things today. I was just asking if you had any plans for the day or not.”
“Oh. Umm, well I was kinda thinking that I might go hang out with Mary Sue for a while. I kinda wanted to talk to her.”
“Okay Jes, how about we finish up here, get dressed and I'll drop you off on my way to town.”
“Sounds good momma.”
While I was getting dressed I was thinking, wondering if I'd made the right choice. Hanging out with Adian yesterday had been great, but I knew I had to face things sooner or later. I also know that Mary Sue's dad had died last year. I decided that it might be a good idea to talk with Mary Sue, see what she had to say about things. Maybe she'd have another perspective on things and could help mefigure things out.
Maybell on the other hand found it interesting that Jesse wanted to go hang out with Mary Sue. This was a new development. Jesse never wanted to hang out with Mary Sue before. She wondered why the sudden change. Then it hit her. She remembered that last year just before school got out, Mary Sue's dad had been killed. Mary Sue didn't even finish the school year. Suddenly she felt better about the whole thing.
As we approached the house I noticed there was no car in the drive. Momma looked over at me, “I don't think she's home Jesse.”
“No, I am sure she is. Her mom must just be at work already. Let me go check.”
I jumped out of the car before mother could say anything else and ran towards the door my heart beating so fast she could hear its pounding in my ears. I stood on the step half afraid to knock on the door for fear that momma was right.
As I raised my hand the door flew open and there stood Mary Sue.
“Well, Jesse Rackel were you planning on knocking on my door or just going to stand there all day?”
I turned and waved to momma, she slowly took off headed for town.
I turned back to Mary Sue. Mary Sue started to say something then saw the tears well up in my eyes. Her face was suddenly filled with worry as she could see the sad look on my face. She stepped forward, grabbed my hand pulling me into the house and leading me to the couch.
“Jesse, jeepers, what happened are you alright?”
I remained silent, the tears that had been welling up in my eyes began to slowly trail down my cheeks once more. I felt like all I'd done yesterday was cry and now I was doing it again. I began to wonder if I'd ever stop crying. I started to get angry with myself. I was not one to cry and definitely not in front of my friends, always in my room alone where no one could hear her not even momma or papa and even that was on a very rare occasion. Oh, papa.
Not knowing what to do Mary Sue reached over and pulled me close to her. Holding me tight I cried endlessly. Mary Sue wrapped both arms around me tight. I finally gave in and put my arms around Mary Sue and laid my head upon Mary Sue's shoulder.
I began to notice how wonderful Mary Sue smelled up against me. What a pleasant sensation. My tears began to dry up but I did not move. I didn't want to, I felt so safe and content. I could feel Mary Sue's soft breasts against my own flat chest. I felt a stirring deep inside me. I didn't know what it was or why Iwas having thoughts of taking Mary Sue's soft breast into my hand. I pulled back slightly and looked into Mary Sue's blue eyes.
Although I was enjoying the feel of Mary Sue against I she pulled even father back from Mary Sue so that we were no longer touching.
“Mary Sue”
“Yeah, Jesse.”
“Remember yesterday, momma went into town.”
“Yeah Jesse, that is why you were over here yesterday. Why are you here now Jesse, I don't understand.”
“Well, Mary Sue, there was an accident down at the plant yesterday.”
“Yeah, mom said it was real bad that someone—“ Mary Sue stopped suddenly as it hit her in an instant.
“Oh my gosh, Jesse. No, tell me it wasn't”
All Icould do was look at Mary Sue as once again tears began to slide down my cheeks.
Mary Sue grabbed me pulling me softly against her again. “Jesse, I'm so sorry. It was your father, your father was the one killed at the plant.”
I couldn't answer, but the sobs that racked through my body were enough to tell Mary Sue that indeed it was my father who had been killed.
Mary Sue wasn't sure what to do. She tipped her head down and kissed me on the forehead. I went limp leaning into Mary Sue knocking her back so that she was laying on her back on the couch and I was laying on top of her, our bodies pressed together. I continued to cry, Mary Sue ran her hands through my shoulder length blond hair. Then down my back and back to my hair. Mary Sue pushed my hair off my face as it stuck to the wet tears. Slowly my tears began to slow.
As I began to regain control over myself, I realized I was laying on top of Mary Sue. I felt a stirring in my belly being pressed against Mary Sue. I felt a tingle between my legs, something new, that I did not recall ever feeling before. Something inside me was at war. Should I get up, or should I stay where I was. I felt so comfortable and comforted where I was, but this feeling in my belly, was that normal. I'd never felt that before, then again she'd never laid on top of anyone like this before either. I knew that Mary Sue was just trying to comfort me, but all these feelings, they were not feelings of just comfort; something here was different.
Mary Sue looked at me with a smile on her face and a sparkle in her eye. She lifted her head kissing me on the cheek this time.
“You know Jesse, it's hard to imagine right now because it hurts so bad but the pain does go away, well kinda.”
I was sucked out of my thoughts back to the reason that I had came to see Mary Sue in the first place.
Continuing to lay on top of Mary Sue I listened to what she had to say.
“I remember last spring when dad was hit by the train. It was the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life. It was like someone ripped out my heart. I wanted to die just so I could be with him too. I missed him so much I didn't know what to do and no one seemed to understand. Mom kept me home from school for the rest of the year, I don't know if that made it better or not. She made me go talk to this lady once a week. I didn't like the lady much, but she helped me realize that mom and I would be okay without dad, but that dad would always be with us. He'd be with us in our memories, in the moments that he'd spent with us. That I needed to let the good memories of my dad be more important than the memory that he was gone.”
Mary Sue looked at me wondering if she'd said enough, or if she'd said too much. I saw the compassion in Mary Sue's eyes. She truly did understand the pain I was feeling. I began to feel that I was not alone in the world, someone understood, someone had been here before and came out on the other side of this black hole I felt I'd fallen into.
I slid to the side resting one hand on the arm of the couch holding up my head, my back against the back of the couch and one leg between Mary Sue's legs. The warmth of Mary Sue's body comforted me. Just feeling someone next to her, knowing I wasn't alone. Papa used to hold me and I'd feel safe in his big arms. Much like the safety I felt now in Mary Sue's arms.
“I can't believe it's really true. That papa really is gone, that he is dead.”
“Yes Jesse it's true. Life will change but he will always be with you in your thoughts, in your memories. He helped make you into the young women you are becoming. He will always be in here.” Tapping on my chest indicating my heart. I looked down at Mary Sue's hand the ache in my heart still raw and fresh; not able to imagine it every going away.
Mary Sue looked over at me. She didn't want to move, but thought we'd better because oh, how she wanted to kiss me. To run her hands over my firm body, my flat stomach and muscular legs. Mary Sue knew that she had a crush on me, but no one else did. Heck no one else even knew she liked girls. Knowing that this wasn't the time, that she would be taking her feelings anywhere with me and thinking that her mom would be home any time Mary Sue realized we needed to move. Oh, if mom caught them on the couch like this there'd be hell to pay. Well just for having me over while her mom was not home was going to be bad enough.
“Jesse, I know we should talk some more, but I think you'd better head on home now. Mom'll be spitting mad if you're here when she gets home.”
Still not wanting to move I slowly pushed myself up and off of Mary Sue.
“Okay, I guess I'll head on home. If momma stops by tell her I'm at home would you please?”
“Sure thing Jes and umm, Jesse. Let me talk to mom when she gets home. And how ‘bout after mom gets home I come over and get you and well go down to the pond, maybe go swimming or something it should be warm enough?”
“Sounds good.” I replied with a lighter tone. I stood gave Mary Sue a hug when she got up and headed out the door towards home.
&&&&
I walked slowly down the road towards home not really wanting to go home, and not paying any attention to the few cars that drove by. I wanted the comfort of Mary Sue's arms. It had felt so good to be there, to be held like that. It reminded me of my father which made me feel good, but made me sad at the same time.
Having been completely lost in my own thoughts I nearly missed my own drive. When I got to the split I thought about heading over to Adian's and not going home. I knew that momma would be looking for me when she got back from town and that I really should just go home. Turning to the right, I headed towards my own house. I opened the front door, took off my shoes and tossed them in the closet.
“Jesse that you?” Mother called from the kitchen.
Wow thought Jesse, I didn't even see the car in the drive.
“Yeah momma. Just going to go upstairs to lay down a while.”
“Jes, why don't you come on in here and help me with supper. You just picked at your breakfast and I know you haven't had any lunch.”
Not hearing a response momma tried another tactic.
“Jes, I could really use the help in here.”
“No thanks momma, I just wanna lie down a while. Call me when supper's ready and I'll come down.”
“Okay Jes.” Mother gave up the fight. Not know what to say to comfort her daughter. She finished up with supper which in truth was almost ready and called me down to eat. I had no real concept of time so didn't realize it'd been a several hours since I'd gotten home.
I went into the bathroom to wash up for supper when mother called me down to eat again. Just as I was heading down the stairs there was a knock at the door. Running the rest of the way down, hoping that it was Mary Sue, I almost tripped on the bottom step.
I opened the door and there stood Mary Sue on the step. I invited her in. As Mary Sue came in I looked out at the sky. My heart sank as I realized momma was not going to let us go down to the pond, it was nearly dark now.
“Momma, Mary Sue is here.”
“Come on in Mary Sue, we were just about to have some supper. Why don't you join us.”
“Oh thank you Mrs. Rackel. Mom just got home and hasn't fixed anything yet.”
“I'll just call your mother real quick and let her know that you are going to eat over here”
From the front entry way we couldn't hear mothers conversation, but knew it went on for some time. Much longer than to just tell Mrs. Marshall that Mary Sue was going to eat dinner with me and momma. Not wanting to interrupt we stood in the entry way till they heard the click of the phone.
Walking into the kitchen, I saw that momma had set another place at the table. My heart sank, thinking of the nights when papa would get off work early and the three of them would get to eat supper together. I shook my head, trying to stay in the present as I walked with Mary Sue into the kitchen.
We ate in silence at first. Then momma tried to make conversation with me and Mary Sue, but that was not successful. As we finished up I started to clean up the dishes like always. Mother looked at me.
“Jes, you don't worry about those, you have a guest I'll get them.”
Wondering, just wondering I decided to give it a try. “Momma, can we go down to the pond for a little while?”
“Oh Jes, I know you like going down there and haven't been there today, but it's too close to dark to go down to the pond today. Why don't you two head up to your room and play a while I finish up down here.”
Mother finished the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. She went and sat in the front room watching the black and white TV not wanting to bother us. Mrs. Marshall and herself had already decided that it would be good for me if Mary Sue spent the night.
&&&&
Mary Sue had followed me upstairs to my room. Both of us were thinking about being on the couch earlier that day and all the strange feelings that had consumed us. Neither realizing that the other was having the same thoughts. I knew these thoughts were brought on by the idea of being alone with Mary Sue in my room.
I opened the door to my bedroom, and held it open for Mary Sue. Mary Sue took two steps inside and froze in place. I was unaware she had stopped and ran right into Mary Sue as I tried to close the door. I stepped to the side, closed the door and walked over flopping on my bed sideways laying across the bed sideways leaving room for Mary Sue. I was glad that I had a double bed where we could lay and talk and not be confined in such a small space like on the couch earlier.
Mary Sue rooted in place looked at the mere size of Jesse's room in utter amazement. The bed was on the far wall by the window, at least ten feet away and looked huge compared to her single bed at home. There must have been five feet or more between the bed and the wall. She liked how the ceiling slopped down and met the wall at the top of the window. She looked left and right, the room must've been at least twenty feet or more across. Mary Jane thought that it must have been some sort of storage room at some point. There was a big arm chair in the corner and then there was the bed that Jesse had flopped on, or the floor; still frozen in the same spot contemplated where was the best place to sit. She decided the chair was too far away and seemed standoffish and the floor, well that was just silly given there were other options. Mary Jane went and sat on the end of the bed. Choosing to sit not lie on the bed like Jesse had, thankful for there would be extra space between them on the bed. As she walked to the bed her heart pounding hard and fast. She knew exactly what these feelings were, they were the same feelings that she felt when she imagined making out with me when she was laying in her bed. Mary Sue knew though that now was not the time to act on these feelings no matter how much she wanted to.
I laid on my bed in silence as Mary Sue joined me on my bed, thankful too for the space that was left between them. I had so many thoughts, so many questions running through my head, it was like a train running through my head at high speeds each thought or question written on the side of a train car. I didn't know where to start. Finally I decided to start at the beginning, but the beginning of what. The beginning of Mary Sue's story of her dad, or the moment I first found out about papa.
“Mary Sue, what was it like when you first found out your dad had been killed?”
Mary Sue was quiet for a moment, thinking back. “Well Jesse.” Pausing for a moment. “Mom was the one who told me. She was at the house when I got home from school, which wasn't normal. I knew something was wrong for mom to be at home. I went in the house calling out, I found mom sitting in the chair across from the couch. I could see her face, it was all red. I knew she'd been crying, but had no idea over what. Mom looked at me, asked me to come over to her. I set my books down on the couch by the door and went over to mom. She took my hands in hers and looked up at me. She told me that dad had been on his lunch break when the noon train came through town and that somehow he ended up on the tracks and was hit by the train. I asked mom if we could go see him in the hospital. Mom told me that we couldn't because the train had killed him. I didn't believe it at first. I slid my hands out from mom's and walked across the room and sat on the couch. Mom and I sat there in silence for a long time. Then I asked mom if it was really true. She said that it was, that dad was gone. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't believe it. I went up to my room to work on my school work and wait for dad to come home so we could have supper. Mom kept me home from school the next day because I refused to believe that dad was gone, and she knew everyone in town knew, and all the kids would be talking about it. Finally it sunk in that dad really was dead, that he was never coming home again. When that happened I cried a lot. I just couldn't stop crying.”
Jesse was listening intently as Mary Sue told her story as if it were yesterday, she was looking at Jesse but not really, it was like she was looking through Jesse.
“Once I stopped crying I got really mad. I blamed anyone, anything that I could. I even blamed myself, if I'd only been there, but I was in school right where I was supposed to be. No one knew why dad was walking down the tracks, or why he didn't get off them when he heard the train coming. I didn't stay mad for very long. I got over being mad and just got really sad for a long time. That's when mom made me go talk to the lady I was telling you about earlier. I wouldn't come out of my room, not even to eat. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. Mom would come in and pick me up, take me down to the kitchen to eat, or carry me out to the car when I went to see that lady. I refused to do anything. I was sad for a long long time, but the lady, she helped me not feel so sad anymore. It took a long time before I'd talk to her, but she'd talk and tell me stories about other kids who'd lost their parents and some of the things they'd done. Finally I told her that my dad was dead and never coming home. That broke the wall and things started changing then, getting better. All because I started talking to her.”
Mary Sue stopped there. She knew there was more she could say, but thought that she'd answered my question and then some already.
I thought about what Mary Sue had said. I remembered how I refused to hear what momma was trying to tell me, how I had tried to run from it, so that it wouldn't be real. The trip to the plant and Mr. Anderson bringing me back to the house. I'd known all along, but just couldn't believe it was true. I was mad when I was at the plant; I was yelling, I don't even remember the last time I yelled at anyone let alone an adult. I remembered how good it felt yelling at the attendant and at Mr. Anderson. The mad was gone by the time I got home with Mr. Anderson though. When I went to the pond, I was sad. That was all I felt, just felt sad. I was glad that Adian was there when I got to the pond and was glad that I could just forget about everything for a while. Then this morning, I remembered feeling like I was consumed with loss, the sadness had taken over me. Though it wasn't even sad that I felt, I just felt like I'd lost her way, I didn't know where to go, that my whole world had fallen out from under me.
I told Mary Sue about all those things in great detail. Remembering each piece as if it were happening right then.
“Jesse, sounds like you've been though the emotions. You went through them a lot faster than I did. Sounds like you are sad to me Jes. I was sad a long time. All summer long. Mom wasn't sure about me going back to school this year, but I told her I had to go. The kids were nice, but I was still sad.”
I became embarrassed feeling her cheeks flush as the tears started to fall. Then mad at myself, how could there be more tears, all I've done is cry all day long.
Mary Sue laid down on the bed next to me and put her arm around my back. I rolled onto my side, my back facing Mary Sue. It never occurred to Mary Sue that I was trying to shut her out, just that I didn't want her to see her crying again. Mary Sue understood about the crying and was glad she could be there for her friend. She wrapped her arm all the way around me pulling me close to her as I tucked myself into Mary Sue.
My tears began to subside after what felt like hours. All she knew was that it was truly dark outside now. I rolled onto my back, kinda rolling on top of Mary Sue but she rolled over too so we were lying side by side with our sides now touching.
“Mary Sue”
“Yes, Jesse”
“I think the part I'll miss the most about papa is his big hands and getting to do things with him on his days off. Sometimes he'd come down to the pond and watch me swim. Momma didn't know, we'd sneak off and do that. He never got in the water, told me he didn't know how to swim. I never thought about it, but it seems weird now that papa didn't know how to swim, because he taught me how. Even more though I think I'll miss the everyday things that mamma and papa didn't think I saw. When papa would come home late and papa would hug her and hold mamma just a little extra longer. Or how he'd give her soft kisses on her cheek and forehead.
“Papa worked so much that I hardly ever got to see him, other than when I spied on him and momma. I knew papa loved me though. He'd pick me up and throw me over his should when we'd go down to the pond. I'd giggle the whole way. We had a lot of good times at the pond.”
Just as Mary Sue was about to speak there was a soft knock on the door.
“Yes momma.”
Mother opened the door. “Girls it's really late. You two need to get in the bath and head to bed.”
Mary Sue looked at momma with questioning eyes.
“I had a long talk with your mom earlier and you're mom and I think it's best if you stay here tonight Mary Sue. Jesse find her some PJ's yours should fit just fine. Now both of you off and into the bath.”
Jesse looked at Mary Sue. She realized Mary Sue had never been in her house before.
“Bathroom is straight across the hall. You go get your bath going and I'll get you a towel and some PJ's.”
“Okay Jes”
Mary Sue and I headed off to tackle our tasks. I searched my drawer looking for something that I thought would suit Mary Sue. She was so girly, always wore dresses and what not, always had her hair done just so. Very different than my own clothes, pants and T-shirts. Finally I came across a green top and matching bottoms that had ruffles on the edges. Something she'd never be caught wearing. She tried to remember why she even had them, oh yeah, grandma had given them to her last Christmas. She rolled her eyes grandma didn't understand anything. I grabbed two towels out of the hall closet and headed to the bathroom.
Not giving it any thought I opened the bathroom door and walked in. My mouth dropped at the sight of Mary Sue completely naked stepping into the tub. I was frozen in place, then started to mumble, turning to leave.
“Jesse”
Hearing Mary Sue call my name I figured I was in trouble, but then realized the softness that she'd spoken my name with and thought maybe I wasn't supposed to leave. We were a little too old she thought to be sharing a bath, we were going to be in high school when school started up again. I blinked my eyes a couple of times, looking at her full lush breast, not flat like my own. I closed my mouth, set the PJ's and the towels on the long counter. I walked over to the toilet, closed the lid and sat down. Mary Sue was now standing with both legs in the tub, but still standing. She looked over at me.
“Well get your clothes off and get in here Jes, you heard your momma.”
Jesse thought back to the words her momma had used ‘you two need to get into the bath…' did she mean together?
“You sure Mary Sue?”
“Well at this point, you've seen me so you have to at least take your clothes off and let me see you. Since you'll be naked then, you might as well get in the tub with me too. You'll be cold sitting there waiting and besides it will go faster and it'll be like when we go to the beauty parlor in town and the ladies wash our hair for us.”
I'd never been to the beauty parlor, but figured Mary Sue would help me figure out what I was suppose to do. Slowly taking my shoes and socks off I wondered still if this was right. I slid my jean shorts down and pulled my t-shirt over her head. I stood there looking at Mary Sue, noticing the differences between us.
“Come on Jes, you can't get in here in with your bra and panties still on.”
I unclasped the back of my bra letting it drop to the floor revealing my flat chest that she really had no reason to wear a bra for other than momma told her she was of that age, she had to. I then slid my panties down and kicked them off with my foot. This time revealing a small yet very curly tuft of blond hair, much like Mary Sue's, but mine was a little darker than hers. Mary Sue was still standing in the water waiting for me. I gave her once last look over and decided I couldn't stand there all night just starring at her beautiful body.
I stepped into the tub, sitting down quickly as I felt very exposed. Mary Sue chuckled a little turning her back to me and sat down. I wasn't sure if she knew I felt uncomfortable or just realized we'd fit better in the tub with our legs headed the same way. I felt so childish next to Mary Sue who had just stood there like I'd seen her naked a million times. I was glad Mary Sue was facing away from me because I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks.
“Okay your first”
“Me first for what?”
“To wash my hair silly, just like they do at the beauty parlor.”
“Oh yeah”
Mary Sue felt Jesse's confusion and wondered if she'd ever been to the beauty parlor. Quickly dismissing the thought she dipped her hair in the water and placed the back of her head square in between Jesse's breasts. Leaning back against Jesse feeling her body pressed against her own. Knowing that there was no way Jesse could wash her hair in this position. Jesse moaned slightly feeling Mary Sue against her. Slightly embarrassed she was glad Mary Sue couldn't see her face, for she had just got things under control and now her face surly was changing all kinds of colors of red.
I remembered having sat in this position with Adian many times down at the pond, but never feeling anything like what I was now feeling. I wrapped her arms around Mary Sue just below her breasts felling her soft breasts against my hands. I inhaled the scent of Mary Sue. She smelled oh so good.
“You girls better hurry up in there and get yourselves in bed.” Momma called.
I jumped not knowing how long we'd been sitting there just enjoying the presence of each other; other than to know that the water was no longer hot, and could just barely be considered warm. Mary Sue grabbed the shampoo and quickly washed her hair; grabbed the soap and washed up then rinsed everything off and jumped out of the tub. She dried off and with the towel wrapped around her grabbed the hair brush and took off for my room.
I sighed looking at the PJ's sitting on the counter. Shaking my head I washed my own hair, grabbed the soap scrubbed and making sure I washed my puppies having begun to understand I thought what momma had always meant by that; then climbed out of the tub and pulled the drain. While I was drying off I realized I hadn't brought any PJ's for myself. Well I surly wasn't putting those ruffles on. So I wrapped myself tight in my towel grabbed the PJ's opened the door looking for mother, not seeing her anywhere I ran across the hall into my room; thinking if Mary Sue could do it so could I, though I'd never done it before I always got dressed in the bathroom.
I looked around the dark room not seeing Mary Sue. Then spotted her already in bed under the covers.
“Guess you don't want these huh?” holding up the PJ's.
Mary Sue was glad it was dark for she blushed looking at the PJ's in Jesse's hand.
“Nope, not tonight at least.”
I tossed the PJ's back in the drawer, grabbed the hairbrush sat on the side of my bed and brushed out my hair. Mary Sue sat and watched me. With a quick glance over my shoulder my thoughts were confirmed, Mary Sue was in my bed completely naked for when she sat up the blanket had fallen down around her waist. I placed the hair brush on the bedside table, tossed the towel in the corner by the door seeing Mary Sue's towel hanging neatly on the door knob. Pulled back the covers on my bed where Mary Sue's already was and crawled under the covers.
“Mary Sue, will you just hold me tonight?” I asked with a tinge of fear mixed with hope in my voice. I wasn't sure if I was looking for comfort or all those wonderful feelings. I didn't really care, I just knew I really wanted to feel her arms around me.
It was then as this thought passed through my head that I really realized that I was in my bed naked with Mary Sue who was also naked. I remembered only once being naked in my bed and that had been only because I had been too lazy to wash clothes and had run out of PJ's except those green ones. Irolled over up against Mary Sue.
“I just want to know you are here. I need to be close to you.”
Mary Sue simply opened her arms allowing me to slide into them. She held me close she could feel me wiggling around trying to find just the right spot.
“Jesse, what is it?”
“I just need to be closer to you, I can't get close enough. You feel so far away.”
Mary Sue rolled so that her body covered mine. She looked into my green eyes.
“Is this better Jes?”
“Yes.” I murmured wrapping my hands around Mary Sue pulling her as close as possible. I laid there for a minute then rolled Mary Sue onto her back and laid on top of her resting my head between her breasts. I drifted off to sleep long before Mary Sue. Mary Sue kissed me softly on the lips, something she'd wanted to do all day. She could feel each and every breath that I took on her breast. Listening and feeling my breathing she too finally drifted off to sleep.
I woke to an unfamiliar sensation and felling like there was a ton of bricks on her chest. During the night we had rolled again and Mary Sue was now on top of me. I opened her eyes and realized Mary Sue was on top of. A slow soft smile spread across my face. I turned my head looking out the window; it was still dark I noticed. While looking out the window I was acutely aware of the many sensations I was feeling throughout her entire body.
I felt Mary Sue's long hair tickling my arm and my side. Ifelt the dampness of it and knew I had not been asleep for long. I also noticed how Mary Sue's hair just hung down her back no fancy curls. Feeling Mary Sue pressing against the full length of her body, I felt a tingling sensation in her belly. Feeling the heavy weight of Mary Sue's legs on top of my own, I slowly slid my legs apart letting Mary Sue drop in between my legs, hoping not to wake Mary Sue. I reached down and brushed a stray hair off Mary Sue's face, only to have the action repeated as Mary Sue reached up and pushed my own hair away from my face.
A smile spread across my face. I looked down at Mary Sue and pulled all her hair back and then let it drop in the middle of her back. Mary Sue still had not moved her head, had not looked at me, but I knew she was fully aware of me. Finally she lifted her head and her eyes met mine. They were a brilliant blue. A blue like nothing I'd ever seen before.
I felt Mary Sue's weight being lifted off of my body. I grumbled till I found my lips being pressed softly against Mary Sue's lips. I opened my lips slightly allowing Mary Sue full access. Mary Sue slipped her tongue into my mouth. I rolled my own tongue around Mary Sue's then just let my mouth be consumed by Mary Sue, not exactly sure what I was supposed to do. Mary Sue released my mouth. I whimpered slightly, but soon found Mary Sue's lips around the nipple of my breast. I moaned and arched my back pushing my breasts even closer to Mary Sue. Mary Sue laid her hand on my other breast and ran slow circles around the nipple. I tried to hold in yet another moan, but was unsuccessful. The pure shock of the feeling of Mary Sue's touch over whelmed me. Though I was soon over taken by the pure feeling of pleasure that Mary Sue's touch created, loving every second; loving every second of it I knew I was totally at her mercy.
I wasn't sure what was going on I'd never experienced anything like this before. No one had ever touched my breasts or my nipples. Not even Adian when they were swimming at the pond. I'd herd of kids doing it at school but hadn't paid much attention. It was all a new sensation that flooded my brain with thoughts and feelings that were so unfamiliar to me.
I rolled Mary Sue onto her back. Straddling Mary Sue, my body seemed to just take over knowing what to do. I slid down so that my mound was pressed against Mary Sue's. I began to rock back and forth. Sighing as Mary Sue moaned this time.
Mary Sue looked up at Jesse.
“Jesse please stop, come here.”
I was scared. Had she done something wrong?
Mary Sue saw the fear on my face. She gently caressed my face tracing my jaw line.
“Jesse I don't want our first time to be like this. I don't want it to be out of need. You need me right now Jesse, and I am here for you. You need me, but this is not the way you need me, you just need me to be here. I want this and I think that you do too, but it needs to happen when we both want it, not when we need each other”
Mary Sue pulled me down so that our bodies were pressed against each other. Placing my head between her breast she smiled and said “Go to sleep Jesse, it's late, you need to sleep.”
Mary Sue brushed my hair back over and over till I fell into a gently slumber. She too then drifted off to sleep.
&&&&
I heard a knock on the door followed by mother saying “Hey sleepy heads, get up and dressed; breakfast is almost ready. Jesse, loan Mary Sue something to wear.”
I looked around, Mary Sue had not heard the knock at the door. I was relieved that momma had not opened the door for I saw the blankets were all on the floor and our legs were wrapped around each other. I then felt the wirery curls of Mary Sue's mound under my hand and quickly pulled it away. I found my other arm trapped underneath Mary Sue and Mary Sue had one arm across my chest.
Memories started to flood my mind. I remembered Mary Sue being on top of me, then me being on top of Mary Sue, and oh gawd, it had felt so good. Shaking my head knowing I didn't have time to think about that now I leaned over to Mary Sue. I tried to pull her arm out from under Mary Sue but found it was stuck. Untwisting our legs I gently caressed Mary Sue's face with my free hand.
“Mary Sue, it's time to get up, momma's got breakfast ready.”
Mary Sue rolled towards me gripping me tight with her arm. I shrugged out from under her arm.
“Come on Mary Sue, we gotta get up.”
Mary Sue opened her eyes and sat up. She looked at me then saw the towels piled in the corner of the room.
“Jesse, I don't have any clothes.”
“Momma said to have you wear some of mine. Come on, let's get dressed.”
As Mary Sue pulled on the jeans she felt kinda weird. She couldn't ever remember wearing jeans in her life. She remembered one pair of dress pants that she had worn one time, but hadn't even liked those. Mary Sue tried not to show her dislike. She loved the way Jesse looked in her jeans, but well, jeans just weren't her thing.
We headed downstairs for breakfast. Mother had made pancakes and bacon. I smiled. We ate breakfast in silence, broken only when mother spoke.
“Mary Sue, you and Jesse need to go to your house so you can get your own clothes, I know how you don't like jeans and am sure you'd be much more comfortable in one of your own dresses.”
Mary Sue blushed at this comment.
Mother continued on. “Then the two of you head on down to the pond like you wanted to yesterday. Jesse, just make sure you're back before dark, you know the rules. Oh, and Mary Sue bring an extra set of clothes, you're going to stay here again tonight.”
We finished breakfast in silence, neither Mary Sue or I saying a word. When we were done eating Mary Sue and I cleaned up the kitchen and took off to get Mary Sue's stuff from her house.
&&&&
We headed to the pond, towels in tow as I figured that Mary Sue would not want to walk back home in wet clothes. When we reached the pond I set the towels down on a rock back away from the pond so that they wouldn't get wet. I began taking my clothes off and decided that since I had brought a towel that I was not wearing my undergarments in the pond today. Figuring why bother to dry off if you'll still have wet undergarments to deal with.
Mary Sue looked at me as I stripped down to nothing. Mary Sue wondered if Adian and I always did this when they were at the pond and went swimming. Since Mary Sue didn't have a bathing suit she guessed she'd follow suit and began taking her clothes off. Feeling a little self conscious as she took off her shirt and stood there in her bra, she didn't know if swimming in the pond was the greatest idea she had thought it was in the beginning.
I had already climbed to the rock up at the top and dove into the water. I hadn't surfaced yet. Mary Sue hastily took off her remaining clothes folding everything neatly and placing them atop her dress, and eased her way into the water before I surfaced.
Feeling a little more secure now that she was in the water Mary Sue swam over to me as I surfaced.
“Hey, Mary Sue, whatcha gonna do when your hair gets wet and all those curls fall out.”
Pondering for a moment she replied, “Well Jesse since it's just you, and you've already seen them wet and all fallen out I suppose it doesn't much matter, now does it?”
I was surprised by her response. Glad that she had swam over to where she was letting me know that she could indeed swim since it was awfully deep there eased my mind just a little. Climbing back out of the water and up the rocks to the high big rock I dove in again.
Mary Sue couldn't help but stare at my naked body as I stood preparing for this dive. Arms high above my head accentuating my breast, making them seem larger than they really were. The muscles of my flat stomach bulging slightly. I looked down and saw the look in Mary Sue's eyes and couldn't believe I'd caught her looking up at me.
“Jesse, why do you go to the very top? Seems a lot less work to just dive from down here.”
“I used to dive from down here, Adian always went to the top, I think I was scared of going to the top and being so high but then one day I was up there and I just dove in, clothes and all, not even thinking about it, and it wasn't so bad. It's a neat feeling, it's kinda an exciting feeling.”
I came over to Mary Sue and teasingly set my hand atop her head.
“You wouldn't dare.”
“Oh, I wouldn't would I?”
“No you wouldn't.”
With that I gently pushed Mary Sue's head under water, but making sure to grab her with my other arm so she did not go down very far.
“Oh, Jesse May! You're gonna get it now.”
With that Mary Sue dunked me. I was completely taken by surprise by this action as I was stunned at the sound of my middle name being used. I came up she was coughing and spewing water.
“Oh Jesse, I am so sorry, are you okay?”
“I'm fine Mary Sue.” I replied with a bit of annoyance in my voice trying to hid the embarrassment.
Mary Sue swam over to where Jesse I backed away to and pulled myself up on the rock. Mary Sue pulled her arms up on the rock next to me and rested her head on top of her hands. I took Mary Sue's hands and diligently pulled her away from the rock and then back towards me, placing one hand on each of my legs. Mary Sue was now forced to hold up her head looked at me. I leaned down to kiss Mary Sue, I lost me balance, falling in the pond over the top of Mary Sue. When I surfaced Mary Sue was giggling.
“Nice try Jesse.”
Mary Sue swam over to me and using her legs to tread water wrapped her arms around me just under my arms and pulled me in close and kissed me softly on the lips. I parted my lips and let Mary Sue explore my mouth with a soft groan of satisfaction. Mary Sue then grabbed my legs and wrapped them around herself. Felling my warm body up against her body in the cool pond was exhilarating. She threw back her head letting her hair float off in the water. I watched as her hair spread across the water floating it does as one stands in the cool breeze and the wind blows. No curls today, but the reflection of light off her hair and the water made me never want to let go of Mary Sue.
Sounds of footsteps brought us both back to reality and Mary Sue quickly pushed me away from her. I sunk under water, as she had been holding us both up, not sure what to think of what had just happened. As I surfaced I opened my mouth to say something then closed it sharply as I saw Adian standing on the rock next to our clothes. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat wondering just how much Adian had seen.
“Jesse.” Adian called out.
“Hey Adian.”
“So how did you get Mary Sue down to the pond?”
Mary Sue looked at me, “It was my idea if you must know Adian Jackson.”
“Well I was just coming down for a swim; mind if I join you two lovely ladies?”
I wasn't sure what to say and looked towards Mary Sue whose back was to me. She simply shrugged her shoulders.
Mary Sue turned around looked at Adian and said “Sure why not.”
I was surprised at Mary Sue's response. I was enjoying the time in the pond with Mary Sue and didn't really want to share it with Adian, but Adian was there and it wasn't like the pond belonged to me so how could she really say no. If anything it belonged to Adian since the very fair end of it was actually on his land.
Adian stripped down to his undergarments and began to climb to the big rock.
“I don't think so Adian Jackson. You strip down, just like everyone else.”
Adian and I exchanged glances, neither knowing quite what to think of Mary Sue's insistence. Adian honestly couldn't believe that I was in the pond with Mary Sue to begin with, let alone that we were naked. Adian knew I didn't like swimming in the pond naked, afraid I'd get caught or something and have to make a run for it.
Adian walked over to his clothes and took off his undergarments then climbed back up towards the big rock. Adian dove in the water flawlessly. The most beautiful dive Mary Sue had ever seen. She knew that Adian and I could both out swim her by miles, but hoped that they could just play in the water.
Play in the water we did. For hours we played and talked and laughed and teased. Everyone having a good time. I began to see the shadows on the pond disappear.
“Hey guys, we'd better be going, it's getting late and momma'll really have my head if we are late tonight.”
“Okay Jes. It was nice swimming with you Mary Sue. Maybe we can do it again sometime.”
“Yeah, that'd be great.”
Mary Sue wasn't really thinking about what Adian was saying she was thinking how she was going to get out dried off and dressed without Adian seeing her. It was one thing for me to see her naked we were both girls and had already seen each other in the bath and in the bed, but Adian, that was a different story. Mary Sue swam over to the side, watched as I climbed out and went and got my towel and started drying off like it was no big deal. Mary Sue thought she'd better just do the same or it would become a big deal. She pulled herself up out of the pond and walked over to me grabbing the other towel as I handed it to her. As fast as she could she dried herself off put her clothes on and wrapped her hair up in her towel.
“Ready Jesse?”
Glancing over her shoulder she realized I only had her undergarments on. She felt foolish now for getting dressed in such a hurried manner. She watched Adian still floating on his back in the pond and realized that she really had nothing to be worried about, that he probably hadn't seen anything. Mary Sue waited for me to finish and then two of us headed off back to my house.
&&&&&
Bathed and dressed Mary Sue and I headed down stairs for supper. Momma had the table set for three which stabbed at me for just a moment, I wondered how long that would continue. Supper was already on the table. Water glasses at each place. Mother was sitting in one of the chairs and hadn't noticed the two girls come in. I sat at the table and dished up the three plates noticing that momma hadn't yet seen us come in or sit down and that she was lost in thought.
“Momma, you gonna eat with us?”
“Oh, Jesse, I didn't realize you were home already. Yeah, I'm gonna eat.”
We ate in silence. Then Mary Sue and I cleaned up the dishes in silence as mother continued to sit at the table. I was worried about mother. I'd never seen her like this. I wasn't sure what to do. I told Mary Sue to head on upstairs.
“Momma”?”
“Yes, Jesse”
“Momma are you okay.”
“Yeah Jesse, I'm okay.”
“Are you sure momma you're not really here, it's like you're in your own world lost in your thoughts.”
“I am lost in my thoughts Jesse. It's so different not waiting for Josiah to come home at night. Sometimes I feel so lonely.”
“Momma, I miss papa a lot too. Mary sue told me something though. She said I gotta get mad that he's gone then I'll get sad, and when the said comes it will be bad and may last a long time, but when the sad comes I will know things will start to get better.”
“Oh, I was mad Jesse, and now I am very very sad.”
Jesse saw the tears begin to slide down Maybells cheeks, “There's one other thing momma.”
“What's that Jesse?”
“Mary Sue said that papa will always be with me in all the memories I have of him. The memories of all the things that I did with him, all the things that papa did that helped me make me who I am today. Momma, I love papa with all my heart and I miss him more than I can possibly find words to express, but I know papa loved me and I know I wouldn't be who I am without papa. I also know that the person I become will be different because of the influence papa had on me while he was here.”
Mother scooped me up into her arms, “Jesse when did you get so smart?”
“Mary Sue helped me get smart. We talked a lot about when he dad died last summer and some of the things that her counselor had told her and from that some of it I just kinda figured out on my own. I know one thing though momma, it's all true.”
“Jesse, I'm glad we had this talk. I feel much better now. You're right papa influenced our lives and will continue to do so. I remember when you would sneak to the top of the stairs when you'd hear him come in late at night. I knew you'd seen us kiss, but it seemed so innocent. Now I wonder how innocent that was.”
“You knew I was there?”
“Yes.”
“Those were some of my favorite moments and are some of my favorites memories of papa, how gently and kind he could be with you after a hard days work. You know what I liked best of all though?”
“What's that Jesse?”
“When papa would through me over his shoulder and we'd sneak out of the house and down to the pond. He'd sit on the bank and watch me swim for hours. I'd giggle all the way down to the pond as I bounced on his shoulder.”
“Jesse, papa never suck you out. We always planned it all.”
“Really mamma?”
“Yeah, it was important that he had some time with just you Jesse and I knew that even though his weekends off were rare some of them needed to be just you and him.”
“Momma?”
“Yeah?”
“How come papa would never swim with me?”
“Oh Jesse, didn't you know that papa didn't know how to swim?”
“But momma, papa taught me how to swim.”
“It was important to him that you knew how to swim mostly because he didn't. You probably don't remember but he would stand in knee deep water holding you moving your arms and legs till you got the hang of it, then he'd let you go. If you sunk he'd pick you up and practice some more. He never left that knee deep water.”
Jesse thought for a minute trying to remember, but all she could remember was papa moving her arms and legs showing her how to move them to swim. “I don't remember where in the pond we were momma.”
Momma laughed. It was good to hear her laugh. “Jesse, you get on up stairs, you've got company up there. You don't want to keep Mary Sue waiting. You two need to take a bath and don't sit in there all night like last night okay.”
“okay momma, night.:
I went upstairs and found Mary Sue on laying across my bed. I flopped backwards laying on the bed my feet dangling off the edge. Mary Sue turned sideways tucking one leg up underneath her. Mary Sue looked at me wondering just what was going through her head and what momma and I had talked about. Her whole mood had changed since we'd gotten home. She wasn't sure if she should say something to me or if it would be better to just wait and let me say something. She figured that I was thinking about my dad, but wasn't sure and didn't want to open that box if that was not what was going on.
I wasn't sure what to say to Mary Sue, but knew I had to say something about the long conversation momma and I had had. “Momma was just real sad about papa tonight. I told her about some of the things you told me and we talked about some of the things we used to do with papa, the things we thought were secrets that we already knew. Then we laughed it was good.”
Mary Sue just smiled up at me.
“Momma also said we needed to get in the bath and not sit there all night like last night.”
&&&&
I had had a great time at the pond even when Adian showed up. Though I did have to say she was a little disappointed that Adian did show up. On the other hand I was glad to see him and get to spend some time with him too. I hadn't really spent any time with him since learning about dad. I wasn't sure how to talk to Adian about it, but knew it would come up in conversation sooner or later.
I looked over at Mary Sue as we laid on the bed. I reached up and ran my hand through Mary Sue's beautiful blond hair. Just a few shades lighter than my own. I wanted to be close to Mary Sue to feel her against her as I had last night. It was comforting, but it was so good in so many other ways. I grabbed Mary Sue's arm and pulled her closer to me. Mary Sue landed half on top of me. I was quick to wrap my legs around Mary Sue holding her tight against me. I looked up into those brilliant blue eyes that I'd come accustomed to seeing up close. I thought she'd never grow tired of those eyes.
I pulled Mary Sue over so she was completely on top of me and without saying a word kissed her softly on her lips. Mary Sue opened her lips inviting me in for more. The kiss deepened I flicked my tongue across Mary Sue's and rolled it around in her mouth, then I gentle sucked on it pulling it into my mouth. Mary Sue sighed. Feeling her breasts pressed against my own breasts; Mary Sue reached up and touched my hair gently. Running her fingers through it till she reached the back of my head and was able to pull my face even closer to her.
I arched her back pressing my mound against Mary Sue. I sighed softly at the familiar feeling. I wasn't sure how to describe what I was feeling but knew I didn't want it to stop. Feeling me push against her Mary Sue ground down on me rubbing her mound against mine. Mary Sue reached up under my shirt and was relieved to find my breasts. Sliding her hand up between them she gently placed her hand over my left breast, she was rewarded with another sigh that escaped from my mouth. Her fingers began to flick across the nipple while her hand gently massaged the breast tissue itself. My chest arched up into Mary Sue's hand.
“Oh, Mary Sue” I called out. Only to find my mouth covered by Mary Sue's own mouth. My legs relaxed releasing Mary Sue's legs. Mary Sue slid between my legs. She reached down open both her and my lips pressing our clits against each other, our wet juices intermingling. With this Mary Sue rocked back and forth feeling my clit enlarge against her own. As Mary Sue rocked back and forth I reached up and grabbed Mary Sue by the shoulders.
Mary Sue felt my fingers clinging to her shoulders. She slowed down her rhythm pressing down slightly harder. I began to whimper as Mary Sue slowed down. Mary Sue lifted my shirt taking my breast into her mouth. Sliding her tongue across my nipple then around in a circle. I began to moan and Mary Sue knew it was time. She also knew it was my first time and I'd likely be overwhelmed. Mary Sue prepared herself for this. Mary Sue lifted her head and increased her speed again slightly at first than going faster until she heard me begin to cry out. Taking my scream into her mouth she continued rocking back and forth as I began to convulse underneath her.
My body lay still, Mary Sue knew there was much more that she could show mw; places that she could take. Oh, how she wanted to put my sex in her mouth and suckle it. She reached up and brushed my hair back off my face. In doing so she felt the wet tears sliding down my face also. Mary Sue knew that this may happen. She slid off of me, laid on her side and held me close.
“What just happened?”
“Um, well, Jesse, we just made love.”
“You mean like we had sex?”
“Well, sortta Jesse. Making love is a little different, but yes we just had sex.”
“But I thought that was supposed to be between a girl and a boy.”
“Not always Jesse, sometimes the most beautiful love is between two girls.”
I wasn't sure what to say. It was the most pleasurable thing that I had ever felt in my life, yet I didn't know quite how to respond to it. I looked over at Mary Sue tears still streaming down my face.
“That was wonderful Mary Sue, will it always be like that.”
“Only when you truly love someone Jesse.”
I thought about this statement. I knew that I loved Adian we spent all their time together, but I didn't love him like I'd want to have sex with him. The idea of loving Mary Sue, that was not something that had entered my mind as a possibility. I'd always thought I disliked Mary Sue, she was so different from me. I tried to imagine doing the same thing with Adian, and just couldn't see it happening.
I turned on my side, reaching down placing my hand on Mary Sue's sex.
“Is this right?”
“Jesse, just do what feels right to you. Let your feelings guide your hands.”
I slid my finger between Mary Sue's lips feeling how soft and wet she was. I ran my finger up and down the long area between her lips. I found a little button at the top, just like the one that I'd found on myself not that long ago. When I ran my hand over it it made Mary Sue whimper, then I found the hole near the bottom of her slit. Gently sliding my finger inside the hole I felt Mary Sue grip it drawing it further in. I pulled it out only to find Mary Sue drawing it back in. I found a nice gently rhythm pressing in and pulling out.
“More Jesse, give me more.”
I slid a second finger inside Mary Sue, feeling her tighten even more around these two fingers. I began to quicken my rhythm sliding in and pulling out, I could feel Mary Sue tightening and releasing around my fingers. I pushed my fingers in just a little farther. This time I didn't withdraw them. I simply held them there feeling Mary Sue tighten around them and release them. I reached up with my thumb and ran it across that button that had made Mary Sue whimper so, earlier. So gently I stroked it, causing Mary Sue to whimper once again.
“Am I doing okay?”
My question was answered with a moan and Mary Sue's hips thrusting up in the air and a gently whispered, “More Jesse.”
I was amazed at how pleading Mary Sue seemed to be and at the fact that it seemed that I was the one causing Mary Sue to plead with me for more. I then began to move my fingers back and forth inside of Mary Sue. This made Mary Sue moan in pure delight. I continued this until Mary Sue began to quiver. At that point I lifted myself up slightly and straddled Mary Sue's right leg. Rubbing my wet mound up and down Mary Sue's leg, I loved the way that felt, but wondered what Mary Sue thought. I didn't have to wonder long, my question was answered as Mary Sue's body began to convulse slowly at first and then more violently as I continued. Until at last the convulsions stopped leaving both Mary Sue and me out of breath.
Mary Sue felt the weight of me fall upon her. I slowly pulled me fingers out of Mary Sue and collapsed on top of Mary Sue. I fell asleep in this half dazed contented feeling on top of Mary Sue. When I woke I was a little confused. Mary Sue was holding me tightly stroking her hair. I was half on top her and half on the bed. Mary Sue looked down as I opened my eyes and turned my head to the side.
“Ah, my sweet girl”
I wasn't sure what to make of the comment. As I tried to brush the cobwebs from my brain I looked out the window.
“Look Mary Sue” Jesse said pointing outside.
“What?”
“It's the Twilight of the dawn.”
“Jesse May just what does that mean?”
“Oh Mary Sue, it is the absolute best time of the day, my favorite time of day. It's when the moon is still out saying that night time has not yet gone away, but the sun can be seen upon the horizon, the beginning of the new day.”
Mary Sue looked out the window and noticed all the blue colors in the sky to the west, and all the beautiful pinks and purples to the east where the sun was just beginning to rise. A slow smile crept across her face. “It's beautiful Jesse. Thank you for sharing it with me.”
&&&&
End