Sex: No, that would be inappropriate...
We hereby assure you that none of us were drunk when we came up with this. Sad, that...
Comments welcome, email Kam, Lariel and Verrath
September 2001
Preface:
Kamouraskan's version...
There I was, happily relaxing on Brighton Beach, wearing my beautiful "Verrath Went To A Convention And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" T-shirt, when I mentioned to Lariel that someone might come up and ask if I actually knew Verrath, and I could say, "Not only do I know her, but she's sitting there, and beside her is the famous bard Lariel and I'm Kamouraskan..." and Lariel cut me off liquor immediately. Then she demanded that we write a comedy to celebrate being together....
The Germ responds...
Not so long ago, I was happily planning for a short trip to England, and quite looking forward to spending a few restful days, meet new friends, seeing Brighton Beach, that sort of thing. So here I was, having to drink myself silly (not that it takes all that much drink, really) on my FIRST evening on Irish coffee and assorted wines. In my desperation, I shoved two "Verrath Went To A Convention And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" T-Shirts at my evil-minded hosts. In answer to which, they made me eat pancakes with maple syrup and bacon (aside: which was delicious, actually - surprisingly! - but don't tell them I said that). My point? Well, um. Setting the mood for what is to come? Of course I had little choice but to succumb to their evildoing when they 'persuaded' me that we had to have a collaboration to show as proof that this whole thing had really happened...
Lariel tells what really happened...
Verrath and I were having a lovely day out in Brighton, walking around the pier chewing on sticks of rock when we noticed someone going through the trash cans round the side of the Jellied Eels & Shellfish stall. Verrath of course was upset by this. "Gott im himmel, is that not the famous bard Kamouraskan?" I nodded sadly in reply - such a terrible waste of talent - and dragged her round the back of the stall before he saw us. Too late. He cast aside the fish head he was sucking on, and came bounding over. "Are you bards? Can we write a story together? Can we? Huh? Huh??" In sheer desperation - and to lose the smell of fish that was following him around - we dragged him to a coffee house and made him put on a "Verrath Went To A Convention And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirt. We filled him up with tea and fudge, and gave him a pencil to scribble with. We should've known better, really...
The Story
Gabrielle unrolled the page
and continued reading out loud.
"Which one was that again?"
Xena asked.
"That's Laetitia. She's worried
about Alma the Awful again," Gabrielle explained, patiently.
"Alma the Awful?"
"Laetitia's youngest daughter."
"And whose grandchild is she,
mine or yours?" Xena asked, throwing the scroll back to Gabrielle before picking
up her napkin from the table and tying it around her neck. She pulled the sugar
bowl towards her, and started fiddling with the cubes much to her companion's
annoyance.
Gabrielle pulled the bowl away
from her with barely controlled irritation, but with loving familiarity also
reached up to brush an errant gray strand of hair from her partner's eyes. "She's
conquering Greece, Whose side of the family do you think she's from?"
"So Laetitia's my daughter,
then?"
"Yes. She was born after we
had that argument, remember? And you went off with the Spartans..."
"Which argument was that? The
one where I dragged you behind the horse?" Xena looked about the Corinthian
Centre for Graceful Aging's cafeteria.
Gabrielle ground her teeth.
"You can't get pregnant from
that," Xena added querulously.
Gabrielle muttered under her
breath. "I don't know. You've gotten pregnant from just about everything else."
"You're still mad at me for
that, aren't you?" Xena continued blithely. "I can tell. Next you'll bring up
that Chakram toss thing again."
"TOSS?"Gabrielle's eyes bulged.
"Did you say, TOSS???"
Xena seemed about to respond
when fortunately they were interrupted by the orderly as he cautiously approached
their table, carefully balancing two bowls. He set their lunchtime soup in front
of them and slipped gratefully away.
"Chicken noodle? I didn't order
this," Xena hissed.
"Yes, you did," Gabrielle said
benignly as she readjusted her crocheted shawl around her shoulders and picked
up her spoon. "That's exactly what you ordered."
"You always say that," muttered
Xena between slurps. "You know the noodles get stuck in my teeth."
"Is that why you aren't wearing
them? Where are they, anyway?" asked Gabrielle, turning to her own bowl.
A blonde elderly woman doddered
passed them, her gaze fixed inwardly. She appeared to be waiting for someone
or something to speak, and had a beatific smile on her face as she hobbled her
way over towards the large bay windows that looked out onto the sea. Xena smiled
wickedly, paused to check that Gabrielle was concentrating on her food, and
then whispered sibilantly to the woman, "The light! Go towards the light!"
The woman paused for an instant,
a rapt look spreading on her face, before turning to head for the fireplace
with new purpose in her shaky steps. Xena cackled for a moment, then dipped
her spoon again. She glanced up, to find Gabrielle's eyes boring into her, a
look of suspicion creasing the former bard's face.
"What were we talking about
again?" Xena nonchalantly finished her soup and searched around for the main
course.
"Your daughter."
"Eve? Eve's coming?" The elderly
warrior perked up.
"No," Gabrielle glared darkly,
"Eve is NOT coming here."
"No?"
"NO!"
"You know, ever since you got
in touch with your dark side, you and Eve have just not been getting along."
Xena casually pulled over the sugar bowl, and rummaged through its contents
before dropping a cube into Gabrielle's teacup.
Gabrielle exploded. "She's a
flake! Trying to get me to go on one of those fancy fad holy diets. Sitting
up a pillar on a mountain top not eating for three months. Can you imagine?
Me! Not eating! And that's the only way to purify myself? I mean...ARGGGGH!"
"Yeah, as if three months would
do it."
Gabrielle glared at her. "I
think I'm getting one of those headaches..." She gingerly touched her Chakram
scar.
Xena threw up her hands. "I
knew it! I KNEW you'd bring that up again!"
Suddenly, there was a strong
smell of burning flesh. Several orderlies dashed past them to the "What's going on?" Gabrielle
asked an attendant as he rushed by with a jugful of water.
"Oh, it's just Najara again,"
the harried man explained, glancing over to where the still smoking woman was
gabbling into the air. "You know, this is the fifth time this week. The Djinn
must be putting all these silly ideas into her head..."
"The Djinn, eh?" Gabrielle shot
a glare over at Xena, who studiously ignored her while busily building a fortress
out of the sugar cubes. "It was just one night! A long, long time ago! We were
going through that bad patch..." Xena made a little 'huh' sound, and started
on the ramparts. "One lousy night!!"
Seemingly absorbed in her task,
Xena said, "More bowls. I need a buffer zone."
Gabrielle sighed. "Fine. Be
that way... You do know that Salmoneus Jr. charges two dinars for ten of those
things?"
"Little rip-off-artist. We wouldn't
have that double bed if I hadn't beaten the crap out of him." Xena stopped what she was doing.
"Two singles? But what about our Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday nights?"
Gabrielle glanced airily about
her. "You're not as limber as you used to be, you know." Gabrielle helped her up, straightened
her out and popped her bones before settling her back into her chair.
"What happened?" Confused, Xena
glared about furiously. "Who did that? It was the Persians again, wasn't it,
Gab?"
"Yes, dear. The Persians."
Salmoneus Jr. was over in an
instant, eyeing the pile of crushed sugar with a mercenary gleam in his eye.
"That'll be fifteen dinars, ladies."
Xena drew herself up to her
full hunched height of 5'3" and said, "How about I take it outta that little
change pouch you have for a heart? We're on a pension, you know!"
Salmoneus Jr.'s eye widened,
and he cautiously retreated one step.
"Add it to the tab," Gabrielle
said quietly behind Xena's back and waved him away. Gabrielle's left cheek twitched.
"No, Callisto, it's NOT from Eve!"
"Eve's coming?" Xena brightened
until she noticed Callisto's hand reaching for the scroll. "YOU! You get the
Tartarus away! I have custody. Remember? CUSTODY!"
"But I would never do anything
to hurt you or Eve. I love you, Xena," Callisto said, sincerely. "Oh and you
too, Gabrielle."
At the sweet gentle smile, both
Gabrielle and Xena shuddered. The former bloodythirsty warlord was carefully
escorted back to her table with fervent apologies to the two seated women. Xena
muttered to Gabrielle, "Sometimes, you just gotta miss the old Callisto." "Oh, that's disgusting, Xena,
where are your teeth?" She grabbed the roll and started cutting it up into little
pieces for the warrior.
"You mean I'm not wearing them?"
Xena touched the bridge of her nose.
"Those are your glasses, Xena.
And no, Eve isn't coming this weekend. She's still not over her last visit.
She says it'll take another three months of pillarfasting before she purges
herself of the 'Evil' of her big bingo win."
"Bingo?" Xena pulled a card
from her pack and started filling in her numbers. "Oooh, is it 8 pm already?"
Gabrielle sighed. "No, it's
Sunday, dear. Bingo is on Friday. We're waiting for the children to come, remember?"
"Whose children?"
"That's what I'd like to know,"
Gabrielle said darkly, attacking her fish furiously. "Why does Ares keep sending
that 20 dinars every month, anyway?"
Xena tried to look innocent.
"We came to an agreement."
Gabrielle was about to press
the matter when a small bone caught in Gabrielle's throat and she began to cough
and choke. Xena rose unsteadily to her feet and shouted across the room,"Alti,
you hag! Leave her alone, it's me you want!"
Gabrielle managed to regain
control and dragged her partner back to her seat. "No, Xena, it's not Alti.
She can't choke me with the power of her mind anymore. Though she does keep
stealing your Bingo cards."
"Bingo! House!!" Xena yelled,
waving her card around.
Gabrielle dropped her head.
"No, Xena, we're playing Bingo this Friday eve..."
"Eve? Eve's coming?"
Finally giving in to her exasperation,
Gab exploded. "No, Xena, Eve's not coming, because she's DEAD!"
The ancient warrior froze. "Eve's
dead? You said she was on a pillar!"
"Well, she fell off it!"
Xena gasped. "My baby is dead?"
Gabrielle hung her head and
sighed. "No, she's not dead, Xena, I only said that because you're driving me
crazy."
Xena looked at the smaller woman
wistfully. "You know, you used to be so nice... what happened?"
"What happened? WHAT HAPPENED!!!"
The bard's finger was wagging and pointing directly at the former Destroyer
of Nations, a prelude to building herself up to full rant mode. Xena gulped,
and tried to take cover behind her steamed fish, but before the verbal onslaught
could begin, an orderly rushed over.
"Miss Gabrielle. Do you need
some medication?"
The retired bard turned on the
man. "NO! I need separate beds. In separate rooms. In separate furkin' countries!"
Xena smiled brightly at the
attendant, before patting the distraught bard's hand. "Ignore her, she always
says that. She can't resist me, really."
"Can't I?"
"Well, you did stalk me for
long enough."
Gabrielle coloured slightly.
"I've told you before, it wasn't stalking..."
"Miss Gabrielle..." the orderly
interrupted, "...you still share a room with her. Take the pills. Anyway," he
continued, "you're booked out for the day, why are you still here?"
"Booked out?" Gabrielle looked
to her partner for confirmation.
A gnarled hand shot out and
grabbed the orderly's collar. "Thank you." she growled, twisting it slightly
until he gasped. "I guess that's it for my surprise." She turned to Gabrielle.
"If you must know, I told the kids not to come by today. I got us a cart...
I thought the seashore...?" "It's another skill."
"Yes, it is." Gabrielle acknowledged,
smiling.
The orderly was released and
hurriedly dropped a few tablets in front of Gabrielle before escaping. Xena
glared at the retreating white-covered back. "Why do they never offer me pills?"
she mused.
Gabrielle raised herself up.
"There now dear, don't get yourself all worked up. You can't blame them. You
did sack the village the last time they got your dosage wrong." The formerly
blonde bard slipped her partner a small white pill, and the two smiled conspiratorially.
"Do you want dessert before
we go?"
"Apple pie isn't as much fun
when you can't find your teeth. Unless you had something else in mind?"
Gabrielle grinned, picked up
her warrior's hand and helped her out of her seat.
"I still say you can't resist
me," Xena stated smugly.
"We'll have to see then, won't
we?"
"You might get bored one of
these days. Now that I'm old."
Gabrielle looked back at the
cringing attendants, a still damp Najara and a fervently praying Callisto behind
them. "Possibly, but not today. Anyway, I thought you said you liked this timeline?"
"Beats being dead."
"You sure?"
"Well it will if you wear a
certain top to the beach today."
"Xena. People do not want to
see and old lady wearing an Amazon bikini."
"This one does. And if anybody
objects..." and she reached behind her and drew her cane from its scabbard.
For a moment, she stood taller and the rheumy eyes cleared and flashed.
"My hero,"Gabrielle smiled,
and took her partner's hand.
The two were making their way
towards the door when they were passed by an old man in a toga, hobbling on
two sticks. With a swift movement which belied her many, many years, Xena kicked
out his canes from under him. He fell with a clatter, landing with his thin
old butt stuck in the air.
"Crucify me, wouldja?" she crowed.
"Oh, Xena look - your teeth!"
Gabrielle pointed to Caesar, who had a pair of choppers attached to his bony
old rear.
"Sometimes I think they have
a mind of their own," Xena replied, and popped them back into her mouth.
Revolted, Gabrielle closed her
eyes. "Oh, that's disgusting. I can't believe you did that. You know he has
that... problem... I hope you don't think I'm kissing you now."
"Aww, whatever, you'll be kissing
me sooner or later..." The aging warrior waggled her eyebrows.
"Oh, really?"
Xena nodded and flashed her
partner a toothy grin (now that she could). "Remember that double bed."
"You mean the one where you
spread all those nutbread crumbs? You know I'm not getting in there until you
clean it properly."
And as the afternoon sun started
to set peacefully above the Corinthian Centre for Graceful Aging, a once-great
warrior and her still talkative bard walked sedately towards the waiting cart.
As they disappeared from view,
a thumping noise could be heard from the direction of the carriage, followed
by a resounding crash and an outraged whinny. "Oh, so you wanna be that way,
do ya? You just wait till I get to my feet and then I'll..."
"Xena, would you just sit IN
the carriage, please?"
Gabrielle rolled up the parchment and took off her reading spectacles, settling
them carefully onto the dining table in front of her. She passed the scroll to
Xena sitting across the table, who took it with a smile and then used it to scratch
her back.
fireplace.
"What do we have to do to him to get two singles?"
Outraged, Xena leapt to her feet. "I'll show you who's limber!" She assumed
the position (right foot first) and to the shock of the other residents, gave
her battle yell before attempting to flip. She ended up face down on top of
the sugar fort.
Attracted by the noise and the spectacular sight of an elderly Xena flipping,
an elegant blonde came gliding over. She positively beamed with goodness. "I
see you got a letter this morning?" she asked hopefully.
Gabrielle nodded and began inspecting the second course.
"So is anyone coming to visit us this week?" Xena started sucking on a crusty
bread roll.
"And to cover this up you decided to be especially annoying?"
The End