The characters of Xena, Gabrielle, and others are copyrighted to MCA/Universal/Renaissance . No copyright infringement is intended. The rest of this story is copyrighted to me (posted 6/19/99 - L.N. James).
This takes place immediately after the 4th season episode, A Good Day.
by
I just feel tired, and cold....and empty, I guess. I don't know. One minute I was helping and the next I was hurting, all because of Caesar and Pompey and a dumb war none of us wanted. My village is burned to the ground, many of the men are dead, and I killed someone.
There. I said it. I killed someone. Me, Temecula, the killer.
My quiver is too heavy on my back and my bow feels too hard in my hands right now. But I can't let it go. I don't know how many times I've shot it my life. I remember Phlanagus giving me this bow when I was almost twelve. He was like a father to me. He spent a whole moon making it, I know this because I snuck into his barn and watched him carve and cure the wood. I had hoped it was for me but I didn't know until that Solstice. I remember I couldn't wait until he taught me how to use it. Now I can't wait to let it go. But I can't and my hands won't let me break it . It's like there's some reason why I need to hold on to it. Besides, with Phlanagus gone now, I might need it.
I look up when I hear someone walking towards me and I see it's Gabrielle. She tried to warn me and I guess I should have listened. But I was fighting for my home and the people I love. I don't know why she was fighting. For Xena maybe. Or maybe just because she thought it was the right thing to do. Me, I don't know what's right anymore.
"Temecula."
She says this quietly and I glance at her and look back at the fire. It's too hard to look someone else in the face after today. I don't want to see what their eyes are thinking about me. I think I'd rather watch the smoke. I know she's still there waiting for me to say something but I can't and I don't. She turns instead and looks at the fire too. I can barely hear her words but I listen anyway.
"Temecula, when I was a little girl, I used to make up stories about heroes saving people. I always made sure there was a happy ending because no one likes to hear about what really happens, like today. I used to think that if I wished hard enough, anything was possible and that there just had to be a happy ending if I wanted it enough. Now, I try to think that everything happens for a reason and that sometimes, the best we can do is say it was a good day of fighting."
I look at her and can't help but blurt out.
"Do you really believe that?"
I see that she's watching Xena across the fire. I wonder what their life is like. If it's anything like today, I don't envy them.
"Sometimes....do you remember how I told you that once you take a life, it changes everything?"
I know she is waiting for an answer because she's looking at me again. Right now, all I can hear are the words 'take a life' and wonder why it doesn't quite sound like 'kill a man'. It's the same thing, just different words. I think about my arrow and watch the fire burn.
"Temecula?"
I feel Gabrielle's hand on my arm and flinch.
"Don't touch me."
I say this as I pull my arm away and look at her. I'm angry. I don't want anyone to touch me, especially her. I feel too dirty right now and her comfort is the last thing I deserve. Gabrielle looks at me and nods, like she knows what I'm thinking.
"Temecula, you can't hold on like this. You've got to let it go. You did what any person would do...what someone should have done in that situation. What I couldn't."
She says this softly and when I look at her, I'm not angry anymore. I'm empty again and sad. My throat is tight like I might cry but I won't. Not now.
"I killed someone, Gabrielle."
Her eyes seem to soften and she puts her hand on my shoulder. I don't flinch this time.
"I know. But sometimes we have no choice. There are things worth fighting for and things worth taking a life for."
I notice that she doesn't use the word 'kill' again and I don't like that.
"But Gabrielle, I killed someone. I killed that soldier. I killed him."
I say it like it's important for me that she know that I'm a killer. I want to use that word. I am that person now. Gabrielle shakes her head and she looks sad.
"Temecula, you are not a killer. I've known killers and believe me, you aren't one. You fought for the greater good. And some days, that's the best we can do in this life."
I look up at her and try to read her face. She looks older now than she did yesterday or even this morning when we were getting things ready. That feels like a lifetime ago. I was watching her on the battlefield and she fought as hard as any man there. I suppose that ages a person like Gabrielle. She's different now, I can tell. I am too. I hold my bow a little tighter.
"How do you know what's worth fighting for anymore?"
I ask this because I really don't know. I thought I knew this morning, but I was younger then. Gabrielle is quiet for a long time as she thinks about that. Is she as unsure of the answer as I am?
"I don't always."
She almost whispered this and I wonder if she's going to cry. Instead, she takes a deep breath and straightens her shoulders. I watch her look over at Xena and then she turns to me.
"Back when Xena and I first started out together, I thought everything was worth fighting for. Saving a village. Stopping some warlord. Fighting for peace. And then, somewhere along the line, things changed and I got lost. I let a man die because I thought he was wrong. I took another life with my own hands. And another."
Here she paused and got real quiet. It was getting darker now and I could see the firelight on her face. She swallowed and I nodded, thinking I knew what she went through. What did I know?
"Temecula, I don't have all the answers myself...not yet and maybe not ever. But I think maybe the only thing worth fighting for anymore is love."
The sky was turning a pale pink and I could see waves of heat coming up from the funeral pyres. Any other time, I might have thought it was a good day. If this hadn't happened, I probably would have gone fishing with Phlanagus and his son. Or just sat outside. I don't know. I never imagined it would be like this. I kind of wish Gabrielle's story would have had a happy ending, but it didn't. I whisper, doubtful.
"So, love is it then?"
Gabrielle lifted her hand and ran it through her hair before she cleared her throat. Xena was walking towards us and I guess they needed to go. For a moment, I wondered where I would go.
"Yes, I think so."
I turned to the fire again and I could smell the smoke now, the real smoke, and it made me sick to my stomach. Would Phlanagus say he fought for love? His wife and child were headed back to our village full of ashes and he's gone. Is that what happens when you love someone?
"Ready, Gabrielle?"
Xena's low voice made me look. Maybe I'm more like Xena now. She's killed many. I saw her today and she fought through dozens and dozens of soldiers. I've never seen anyone like her. She's a warrior though, she's used to this. So why do I feel more like Gabrielle than her?
"Temecula, are you going to be alright?"
They look at me when Gabrielle speaks. My answer is more 'no' than 'yes', but I want to be strong, especially in front of Xena. I know pride is misplaced today, but if there is a little bit of that in Xena for me and what I did, it makes me feel a little better, I think.
"Yeah, I'll be fine."
This time, Xena reached out and put her hand on my shoulder. She just squeezed it and nodded, but said nothing. I know that's supposed to mean something, but I don't know what. I straighten up and nod back, trying to make my voice steady.
"It was a good day of fighting."
Gabrielle looked up at Xena who looked at me. I swear Xena smiled just a little and nodded. Maybe I remind her of someone or maybe she just knows how I feel.
"Take care of yourself, Temecula."
Gabrielle surprised me by pulling me into her arms and hugging me. I would have pulled away, but I couldn't. I don't know how or why, but I started crying. I felt like such a baby, but I couldn't help it. I just buried my head and cried like a dumb little baby. Everything changed today, everything.