The following story contains lots of mature innuendo and things of a risque nature involving the action figures of Xena and Gabrielle who are copyrighted to MCA/Universal/Renaissance. No infringement is intended to these parties or the makers of the dolls. The rest of this skit/story/whatever is copyrighted to both Danae (DANAE121@aol.com) and myself (L.N. James), posted on August 11th, 1998. I am pleased to present this, our first collaborative work of 'art'. Blame Danae if I sound like I've lost my mind. Thank you.
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From: "L.N. James" (lnjames@deepika.squonk.net)
CC: Dangerous Danae (DANAE121@aol.com)
To: Those who shall remain nameless
Subject: Conundrum de las figuras plastica
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Ok, so here's my problem. I'm not necessarily an XWP 'stuff' collector. Sure, I've got a few things like the calendar (*sigh* July) that I actually purchased, everything else people have kindly given me just because they're cool like that. So, I've got refrigerator magnets and some trading cards (Gab-oriented of course), bookmarks, buttons and a couple of other little things, but I'm not a collector nor am I able to keep up on all the stuff. Two separate friends gave me a Xena doll each..the red one with the bow and arrows and the other one with the long-ass sword and dorky shield. Ok, so those are my Xena dolls. As some of you may know, those dolls are kind of...rigid.
So, my buddy Spikus says to me the other day "Hey, I'm going on a doll run, want anything?" and I'm like "Sure, grab me one of those Gab dolls if they have 'em. If not, thanks but I'm set on the Xena dolls." And a Callisto one? Nah...don't want one. Just give me Gab and I'm happy.
Now, here is where the problem potentially may arise: The new Gab doll is, according to cheeto, posable. That means to me that she's kinda rubbery and like you can move her any which way. The crux: If Spikus comes through with the Gab doll for me, am I going to be able to get my very rigid Xenas to contort into the kind of positions with the Gab doll that I want?? Like, how am I going to make rigid Xena and posable Gab work out the very complicated and intricate sexual positions I need to model when writing my fanfic? I hear you laughing at me, but honey, this is a very serious problem...
Of course, I also hear you saying, "Duh, LN, just get a posable Xena." Oh were it so easy! If I got the damn posable Xena, then I'd feel compelled to get the Calli and then I'd feel compelled to get every other doll out there in every dang size they make and that's like, what, 3 1/2" , 5 7/15", 8 1/4", 12 6/7", etc etc etc. I just will not give in to that kind of capitalistic, marketing pressure, I tell you!
So... like, has anyone ever tried to pair up their rigid Xena dolls and their posable Gab doll with any success??
And no, I am not smoking anything thankyouverymuch..I am genuinely concerned about the logistical intricacies of my action figures. I have a major sex ..er love scene to write and I need to work out the details and until they make a blow-up life-sized Gab for me to practice wi...er, I mean..well, you know what I mean, I am going to have to content myself with the damn dolls. Is that so wrong??
(who is in a Mood!!)
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PART I by DANAE
Once upon a time there lived a little girl named L.N. who had a lot of toys. The little girl kept her toys in her bedroom and spent many happy minutes everyday playing with them. She would have liked to spend more time playing with the toys, but it was absolutely necessary that she spend the rest of her waking hours on her computer. Anyhow, some of her most beloved toys were her little Greek dolls. Mind you, she didn't buy these dolls herself. Rather, they were given to her by her friends. You see, the little girl wrote stories for the other children in the neighborhood where she lived. No doubt, you've heard of some of her tales... Breaking Cookies, The Tea Party, Ugly Duckling Song. Yeah...
Anyway, her friends gave the child the dolls to encourage her to write more stories. Her favorite doll of all was the lovely, tight-abbed Gabrielle the Bard doll, which she kept on a special shelf above her bed.
Sometimes, the girl arranged the little dolls in various positions and had them... um... mingle with each other after pretend dinners in imaginary recycled taverns. As it happened, when LN received the toy warrior dolls, she noticed that the Xena the Warrior Princess doll had been made rigid by mistake. All of the other little figurines were posable and could be bent into an endless number of very... um... creative positions. As a matter of fact, the Ephiny the Amazon doll and her anatomically-correct husband, Phantes the Centaur, doll were the most posable of all the dolls and could be bent into positions that, if described, would require this story to be rated PG-13.
Anyhow, despite the toy warrior's stiffness, the girl placed the her in the imaginary tavern, encouraging her to be as... um... social as the rest of the toys. The child did not know that, at night, the toys became animated and talked between themselves. The poor little rigid warrior... the other toys would laugh and call her names. They wouldn't let her join in their subtext games. And, the warrior was sad because she would have liked very much to be able to wrap her arms around a sleeping sidekick in the middle of the night when no one was watching or leap into the air, curl her body into a flying somersault, and land on a tree branch impossibly furking high above the ground.
Once, when she was feeling particularly heavyhearted about her rigidity, she even contemplated letting herself be killed by one of the other toy warriors in hopes that her spirit might come back in the body of one of the oh-so-flexible posable dolls. But, she thought better of it when she realized that there was always the chance that she'd come back in the disgusting body of the Gareth the Giant doll.
As it came to pass, one night the little, firm warrior got to talk to the pretty, posable, tight-abbed, red-headed bard doll. A great friendship was born between the two, and very soon the rigid warrior fell in love with the beautiful, blonde bard. But, the nights went by too quickly, and she did not find the courage to declare her love to the bard. When the child played with the warrior and positioned her at the imaginary tavern bar, the little warrior always hoped that the bard would, for once, stop talking to the butter lady and notice her.
The loving stares and sighs of the rigid, inelastic warrior did not go unnoticed by the Jack-in-the-box. One night, the Jack-in-the-box said to the little warrior, "Hey you! Don't look at the bard like that!" The rigid warrior was embarrassed, and she blushed. But, the kind bard cheered her up. "Don't listen to him. He's just the idiot toy of that homophobe executive at ABC Toys who canceled production of Ellen dolls. I don't know how he got in here." The bard smiled warmly at the warrior. "I am very glad to talk to you," she said, blushing too. The two little figurines were both too shy to speak of their love.
One day the bard and the warrior were separated. The girl picked up the little warrior and placed her on the window sill. "You stay here and keep an eye out for that Joxer toy," she said. "If you see him, slice off his head with your chakram. But, don't hurt his body. We can put a spare head on it and use it as a recycled extra". Then the girl played inside her bedroom with the other posable gods and warriors.
It was summer, and in the days that followed the warrior remained on the window sill. But, one afternoon, there was a sudden storm and a strong wind shook the windows. The little warrior fell head first off the window sill. Her sword stuck into the ground. It kept raining and storming, and pretty soon the rain formed big puddles and the gutters were full. A group of girls in the nearby school waited for the storm to end, and, when it stopped raining hard, they ran outdoors. They were joking and laughing because the night before they had seen a commercial for Meow Mix in which Lucy Lawless says, "I'm not a lesbian, but I play one on TV."
Most of the girls hopped over the bigger puddles, while two of them cautiously walked next to the wall so that the sprinkling rain wouldn't get them wet. These two girls noticed the little warrior stuck in the sodden earth. "Too bad she is so rigid. Otherwise, I'd take her back to class with me", one of the girls said. The other girl picked her up and put her in her meager cleavage. "Let's take her anyway," she said mischievously. "We could use her for... something."
On the other side of the street, the gutter was overflowing, and the current carried a little, recycled paper boat. "Let's put the little warrior in the boat and make her a pirate," said the girl who had picked up the rigid warrior. And, so the little warrior became a pirate, though she felt uncomfortable because she wasn't dressed for the part.
The whirling gutter flowed into a sewer, and the little boat was carried down the drain. Big mice gnashed their teeth as the vessel and its unusual passenger flowed by. The rigid warrior saw the nasty animals, but she was not scared. "Rats!" was all she said as she struggled to keep the boat afloat, which was quite difficult since she couldn't move at the waist or wrist or ankles or some other important places. The boat was soaked and about to sink. But, the little warrior, who had faced far greater dangers in battle, was not afraid. The water of the sewer then flowed into the river and the little boat, now overturned, was swept by the high waves. The rigid warrior realized her end was near. After the paper boat was wrecked, she sank in deep waters and began to drown. A thousand th oughts went through the little warrior's mind, not the least of which was a craving for Chinese, but one in particular anguished her. "I will never see my sweet bard again." However, a huge mouth bass swallowed the little warrior, and, once again, her destiny took an unexpected turn.
The little warrior found herself in the stomach of the large fish which had been lured by the glittering of her bright blue eyes. The fish, however, did not even have time to digest his meal because, shortly after having swallowed the warrior, he was caught in the net of a fisherman named Rob Lawless... er... Tapert. Not long after, the gasping fish ended up in a big basket and was brought to the market.
Meanwhile, a cook was on her way to the market. She worked in the very same house where the little warrior used to live. "This fish will be perfect for tonight's meal", the cook said when she saw the big fish on the market's counter. The fish ended up in the kitchen, and when the cook slit its belly to clean it, she found the little warrior, as well as a broken lure which looked as if it had been made with blonde baby-dyke hair. She picked up the rigid warrior. "This looks like one of the girl's toys", she thought and ran to L.N. to show her the discovery.
"That's right, it's my warrior!" L.N. cheered, when she recognized the warrior who could not manipulate her fingers and therefore could not conduct pinch interrogations or grab hold of an actress by her sports bra. "I wonder how she got into the fish's belly?" The little girl told her pet dog about the rigid warrior and placed her on the mantle, right next to the posable bard. The amazing ways of destiny had once again reunited the... um... best friends.
The rigid warrior and the bard were very happy to be close to one another. At night, they touched each other on the arm and talked about what had happened after their separation. But, the ill disposition of fate had another surprise in store for them.
One day, a sudden gust of wind (which was called El Valeskino) lifted the heavy drape of the window and hit the bard, who fell into the fireplace. The little warrior saw her friend fall and was frightened. She knew a fire was lit because she could feel its warmth. She was desperate, conscious of not being able to do anything to save the bard. So that she wouldn't fall and break her rigid ass like she did once when she slipped off a posable toy horse, the stiff warrior took teeny, tiny, awkward steps and tried to move to the edge of the mantle. "Hold on, Gabrielle!" she cried. "I can't hold on!" screamed the terrified bard. The rigid warrior kept trying to move until she was close to the edge. Then, she stepped off and landed in the fire beside the posable bard. The two figurines were reunited in their misfortune.
The bard turned her little head and stared at the warrior in disbelief. "Why did you sacrifice your life?! You should have left me!" she exclaimed. Since she couldn't move her rigid eyelids if she wanted to, the warrior stared too. "Even in flames, Gabrielle... I will never leave you." They were so close to each other now that the posable bard could reach over and clasp the rigid warrior's hand. Just as their rubber bodies were about to begin melting, the little girl went by the fireplace and saw the two dolls enveloped in fire and moved them away from the blaze with her foot. Then, she picked them up and placed them safely on the shelf above her own bed.
Ever since then, the rigid warrior and the posable bard have been there together, hand in hand, sharing their destiny, and watching little L.N. play with her... um... other toys.
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The preceding Part was based on the fairy tale "The Tin Soldier". The lovely little line "I'm not a lesbian, but I play one on TV" is attributed to Marilyn (aka Trbl007).
PART II by L.N. James
LOVE/SEX NOTE: This story depicts attempted explicit graphic lovemaking between two consenting dolls of the same sex. If this idea scares you as much as it scares me, you are not alone, honey. Be strong.
HURT/COMFORT WARNING: If your Rigid Xena doll is overly sensitive to depictions of her rigidity, please be forewarned. You might consider enrolling your doll in the next "I'm Rigid, You're Posable and That's OKAY" workshop to deal with her 'growth' issues.
MERWOLF DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance to Missy 'The Magnus' Good, and her stories is purely intentional and purely in homage. She should not be held responsible for the content of this story unless of course, it works to corrupt her innocence as per my sinister and dastardly secret masterplan to do just that.
SALLY FIELD EMMY AWARD MOMENT: Finally..*sob* I couldn't have done this without you all..*sniffle* I thank you, each and every one of you *sob* for everything you've done for me. I'd like to thank my mom and dad for procreating. I'd like to thank my two friends who separately gave me my first Rigid Xena dolls and to Spikus for making a posable Gab doll run for me. *crying* And finally, I have to thank LL and ROC for existing..without them, I'm nothing! *sob* Thank you!
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Setting: Wooden shelf above bed. A small 'cabin' has been constructed out of Lincoln Logs and furnished with tiny paintings on reed mats of woodland scenes in muted blues and greens. A tiny little fire is burning bright in a small fireplace made of pebbles. Water is on for tea and a small, tiny, itty-bitty Honey Bear sits waiting next to the small teacups. There are bowls of every fruit imaginable available..cherries, apples, raspberries, peaches, blueberries, etc etc. There's a haziness that permeates the cabin as two small 5 1/4" dolls sit next to each other on a pallet of kleenex. The dark haired warrior doll stares ahead, mainly because her head is rigidly and quite immovably fastened to her body. She is forlorn. There is much angst.
"Gabrielle, I'm sorry...this has never..happened to me before."
Rigid Xena tries to lean forward to put her head in her hands but alas, is unable to do even this simple manuever. Easily, Posable Gabrielle reaches her arm out and twists it so that it's around the warrior's stiff shoulders.
"It's okay, Xena...we don't have to.."
Rigid Xena raises up from the pallet and attempts to balance herself on feet too small for her figure form. Cursing silently, she bends her knees as best she can and finds just the right stance. Damn these plastic legs!
"Gabrielle, I'm a warrior! I have all these weapons..a long-ass sword, a shield with razors on the sides, a bow that shoots these spear-like arrows, and a chakram larger than your head..all these weapons and yet I cannot fight the demons of my own rigidity!"
Posable Gabrielle smoothly stands, her legs bending naturally as she walks over to where Rigid Xena is precariously perched near their linen press made out of a matchbox (nestled inside said linen press are many multicolored tunics packed with herbs that smell very good). Opening her hand, Posable Gabrielle softly grasps the very strong and very solidly plastic forearm of her stoic rigid warrior doll.
"Xena, don't you see? It's not your rigidity you're fighting, it's poor manufacturing and questionable molding techniques. That isn't who you really are. Look in the mirror.."
Carefully, Rigid Xena plants one small boot and swivels in place, grateful that Posable Gabrielle is offering what would be considered by physicists as the equivalent of a structural brace that provides enough resistance to her mass and is balanced in such a way as to maintain her current upright position. A small baby spoon is attached to the wall of the cabin and they look at their reflections in it. Posable Gabrielle looks at them and then twists her head to look up at Rigid Xena, face forward as per usual.
"Xena, look at yourself. Underneath all that hard plastic molding, that stiff rubber armor, painted on body-suit and a face that doesn't even look like you, you're still my warrior. I love you no matter how rigid you are."
Posable Gabrielle is overcome with emotion and jumps into Rigid Xena's arms, wrapping her legs and arms around the warrior until they both fall over and back into the pallet, Xena laying on her back, arms straight up. Looking into Posable Gabrielle's eyes, Rigid Xena sighs.
"You are right, my adorable tight-abbed posable bard. All that matters is that you love me and all my faults. You don't mind that in the past I used to be a whole bunch of mean old nasty recycled Coke bottles. I love you too, Gabrielle."
Posable Gabrielle presses her lips against Rigid Xena's face and they kiss and kiss until the cabin becomes even more hazier in sensations and more glowy. Slowly, Posable Gabrielle pulls back and bends her knees in such a way as to straddle the stiff warrior's prostrate figure. Looking over, the flexible bard doll sees Rigid Xena's sword arm which bends at the joint for more realistic sword-action. Raising a little painted on eyebrow, Posable Gabrielle smiles down at the hard-bodied ex-warlord.
"You know, Xena, I bet if we're creative enough, we can...you know.."
And with that, Posable Gabrielle winks at Rigid Xena. Growling, the unbending warrior looks at her yellow-haired rubbery gal pal.
"We can what, Gabrielle?"
Posable Gabrielle thinks hard and then smiles, contorting her very pliable body into a position never before imagined and not humanly possible (much like what is found in some alt.fic stories). When Rigid Xena realizes just exactly what that cute-as-pie bardie doll has in mind, she smiles to herself since her little plastic lips cannot. Posable Gabrielle twists just a bit so she can see Rigid Xena and speaks in that sultry action figure voice of hers.
"Let me do all the work this time, Xena. You just stay still."
And so the cabin fades into a burst of hazy sensations and moreso as it begins to rain outside and right onto the shelf holding their cabin. Someone forgot to close her window but the two dolls, warrior and bard, do not care as they slip into a warm fuzziness. They have finally found a way to bring together their vastly different personalities and manufacturing designs. Sure, it wasn't going to be easy, what with the immutability of hard plastic and all, but nothing ever is when it comes down to being rigid and posable. But, tonight, Xena and Gabrielle found a way...a very creative, intricate way...a way that should not be tried at home.
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Rigid Xena, dressed in just a black undersuit, smokes a tiny little cigarette as Posable Gabrielle lays draped across her body wearing only pink panties. The flexible bard is sleeping rather soundly, her posable little body worn out from all of the creative and intricate PG-13 action of the past seven hours. All is well in the cabin once more. Much haze happening. These are the halcyon days of action figure existence. After a long drag on her itty-bitty smoke stick, Rigid Xena smirks.
"You know, there is something to be said about the durability and stamina of a good solid plastic molded design built to withstand even the roughest and most demanding of conditions. Ohhh yyyeah..."
Rigid Xena flexes her one sword-action arm with pride before she picks up her big-ass chakram. With a skillful snap of her bendable forearm, the rock-solid warrior flings the tiny round killing thing across the room of their Lincoln Log cabin and snuffs out all fifty-eight smoldering candles that had cast a warm soft glow in their little house of love. Just as Rigid Xena is about to fall asleep, a dinky wee bit of black material (made of any various complex organic compounds produced by polymerization) hops up on the bed and stiffly lays at Posable Gabrielle and Rigid Xena's feet.
Why, Look! It's Ares: Warrior Plastic Pup!
Sighing, the strongly molded warrior an her softly snoring and easily posed bard settled in for the night until it was time for their next adventure...(which, if Posable Gabrielle's appetite for..creativity..was any indication, would be in a few hours).
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From: "L.N. James" lnjames@squonk.net
CC: Dangerous Danae DANAE121@aol.com
To: Those who are saying 'I told you so!'
Subject: False Advertising!
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Now that I've had my little posable Gab for a week, I am learning all sorts of new things about her. She and I have been hanging out and chatting and such. That's cool, but you know, would it have killed someone to put some disclaimers on the package for her?
1. Doll is *not* posable. Despite your best efforts, you will not be able to pose her in intricate and creative ways.
2. Skirt *cannot* be removed. Don't try. (addendum: Pink panties are just for show)
3. Doll will *not* resemble babe-like actress she was modeled after, no matter how much you squint.
4. To avoid injury, don protective eyewear as you make your doll do the staff spinning move faster and faster around and around until tiny little staff flies from the grasp of doll's hand and nearly pokes your eye out. Resist thinking doll is possessed, much like that scary doll in last night's episode of X-files that you happened to catch 10 minutes of as you were channel surfing and didn't want to watch that lame-ass river movie with Kevin Bacon.
5. Doll *cannot* stand on her own. Doll *can* kneel if given proper incentive and support (see: Xena).
6. Start email campaign for life-sized, blow-up Gabrielle doll.
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Critique by Wishes
To: "L.N. James" lnjames@deepika.squonk.net
CC: To those who question our sanity!
Subject: CRITIQUE: The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Dolls in Love
The blues and the greens no doubt refer to the sky and the grass, which in turn symbolize the freedom to love and the earthiness of lust. But why are they muted? This no doubt is a metaphor for the restraints placed upon the two heroines by the rigid posture of the taller one. And remember the other meaning for mute. The warrior stands not only stiff, but unable to articulate her feelings for the bard. Oh, the layers L.N. has applied to the telling of this story.
A tiny little fire is burning bright in a small fireplace made of pebbles. Water is on for tea and a small, tiny, minute Honey Bear sits waiting next to the small cups. There are bowls of every imaginable fruit available..cherries, apples, raspberries, peaches, blueberries, etc etc. There's a haziness that permeates the cabin as two small 5 1/4" dolls sit next to each other on a pallet of kleenex.
All the good things of life are spread before the two women, the sweetness of life, the bounty of the land, yet the haziness continues to dominate. And why is the pallet made of kleenex? Could it be other than to remind us that tears will be shed? Subtle are the ways of the Jamesian bard.
The dark haired warrior doll stares ahead, mainly because she can't do much else. She is forlorn. There is much angst.
The warrior is "darkhaired," an appellation that signifies the very duskiness of her mood. Note the use of repetition: dark, forlorn, angst. This is no failure of editing, but rather reflects the author's stubborn determination that we dimwitted readers should get the point. The warrior is BUMMED.
"Gabrielle, I'm sorry...this has never..happened to me before."
Ah, a clever and humorous reference to a frequent occurrence in het-literature. L.N. has read widely and not just lesbian novels and alt. FF.
Rigid Xena tries to lean forward to put her head in her hands but alas, is unable to do even this simple manuever. Easily, Posable Gabrielle reaches her arm out and twists it so that it's around the warrior's stiff neck.
This shows the fluidity of the bard in terms of her physical being. At the same time, this enfolding motion contrasts painfully with the rigidity of the warrior and can only therefore (and ironically) drive a wedge between them.
"It's okay, Xena...we don't have to.."
The physical fluidity of the bard is echoed by this proof of her emotional fluency. The reader has to be thrilled with this juxtaposition of the corporeal and non-corporeal elements of the bard's composition.
Rigid Xena raises up from the pallet and attempts to balance herself on feet too small for her figure form. Cursing silently, she bends her knees as best she can and finds just the right stance. Damn these plastic legs!
Ah. Xena, the invincible, is shown to have feet, not of clay, but of plastic, and all too small to support her great spirit. In this moment, she blames herself, taking upon herself in Christlike humility, the censure that more justly belongs to the industrial and commercial complexes that have formed and dispensed her. Notice how the author balances weakness and strength within Xena's own loss of equilibrium.
"Gabrielle, I'm a warrior! I have all these weapons..a long-ass sword, a shield with razors on the sides, a bow that shoots these spear-like arrows, and a chakram larger than your head..all these weapons and yet cannot fight the demons of my own rigidity!"
How tragic. Here is the core of the piece. What is there to say that is not said in these heart-rending words. "...a long-ass sword...and yet I cannot fight my own rigidity!" It makes even this critic weep!
Posable Gabrielle smoothly stands, her legs bending naturally as she walks over to where Rigid Xena is precariously perched near their linen press made out of a matchbox (nestled inside said linen press are many multicolored tunics packed with herbs that smell very good). Opening her hand, Posable Gabrielle softly grasps the very strong and very solidly plastic forearm of her stoic rigid warrior doll.
The use of adjectives and adverbs in this paragraph is masterful. Mistressful? Posable. Smoothly. Naturally. Softly. All these are the attributes of Gabrielle and her movements. And what for poor Xena? Rigid. Strong. Solidly plastic. Stoic. And, yet, again, rigid.
The mention of the "herbs that smell very good" shows that L.N., even while dealing with strong emotions, doesn't forget that one must use senses to give reality to fiction.
"Xena, don't you see? Its not your rigidity you're fighting, it's poor manufacturing and questionable molding techniques. That isn't who you really are. Look in the mirror.."
This is the first sign that L.N. will bring a dialectic into her story, raising it far above the usual fan fiction romance genre. Now we have Gabrielle, the bard, interposing a logical argument in which obvious contradictions will have to be resolved. Is Xena, the warrior, fighting her own rigidity? Or is she fighting poor manufacturing and questionable molding techniques? Both of these theses cannot be true. At least, not within the Graeco-Roman Platonic tradition, which, we all know, was in direct contrast to the Mohammedan Sufi tradition, in which mutually contradictory theses can both be true. But I digress.
Carefully, Rigid Xena plants one small boot and swivels in place, grateful that Posable Gabrielle is offering what would be considered by physicists as the equivalent of a structural brace that provides enough resistance to her mass and is balanced in such a way as to maintain her current upright position.
And here we have a switch from dialectic materialism to an explanation of the engineering principals of braces and trusses. Oh, my, I am overwhelmed by the versatility of the author and the depth of the piece.
A small baby spoon is attached to the wall of the cabin and they look at their reflections in it. Posable Gabrielle looks at them and then twists her head to look up at Rigid Xena, face forward as per usual.
A domestic description, touching in its simulated humanity, draws us back into the central problem of the story. These two action figures love each other and, in their homely arrangements, such as Gabrielle twisting her head and looking up and Xena looking forward, we have the central fact of their existence, just the gesture that conveys their physical and emotional connection.
"Xena, look at yourself. Underneath all tat hard plastic molding, that stiff rubber armor, painted on body-suit and a face that doesn't even look like you, you're still my warrior. I love you no matter how rigid you are."
Love. Yes, L.N. reminds us again about love. And all within the historically accurate framework of the Platonic ideal. A chair, whether wood or leathern or molded plastic, has within it the idea of the ideal chair. Xena, made of plastic, wearing rubber, in her aspect far from the pleasing visage of the twentieth-century actress Lucy Lawless, is still Gabrielle's warrior, still the object of her devotion.
Posable Gabrielle jumps into Rigid Xena's arms, wrapping her legs and arms around the warrior until they both fall over and back into the pallet, Xena laying on her back, arms straight up. Looking into Posable Gabrielle's eyes, Rigid Xena sighs.
This sigh is enigmatic. Is Xena sighing because she is unable to wrap her own arms and legs around the object of her desire? Is she sighing because of the pure pleasure of having Gabrielle's soft plastic limbs and other body parts in such proximity with her own? Or has the fall and the weight of her partner merely knocked the wind out of her? This very conundrum is brilliant in that it is posed so succinctly.
"You are right, my adorable tight-abbed posable bard. All that matters is that you love me and all my faults. You don't mind that in the past I used to be a whole bunch of mean old nasty Coke bottles. I love you too, Gabrielle."
Quickly, not drawing out the suspense, L.N. writes a speech that explains the meaning of the sigh. It is the sigh of recognition and acceptance. Xena has realized that her bard has tight abs and accepted that their love is mutual.
Posable Gabrielle presses her lips against Rigid Xena's face and they kiss and kiss until the cabin becomes even more hazier in sensations and more glowy. Slowly, Posable Gabrielle pulls back and bends her knees in such a way as to straddle the stiff warrior's prostrate figure. Looking over, the flexible bard doll sees Rigid Xena's sword arm which bends at the joint for more realistic sword-action. Raising a little painted on eyebrow, Posable Gabrielle smiles down at the hard-bodied ex-warlord.
Just brushing against a PG-13 rating with the use of her word choices (bends, straddles, prostrate, hard-bodied), L.N. saves the PG by making the cabin hazier and more glowy. Many readers who would be uncomfortable with the icky idea of intimacy between two action figures with long hair and breasts, if, presumptively, no genitals, will not be sickened.
"You know, Xena, I bet if we're creative enough, we can...you know.." And with that, Posable Gabrielle winks at Rigid Xena. Growling, the unbending warrior looks at her yellow-haired rubbery gal pal. "We can what, Gabrielle?" Posable Gabrielle thinks hard and then smiles, contorting her very pliable body into a position never before imagined and not humanly possible (much like what is found in some alt.fic stories). When Rigid Xena realizes just exactly what that cute-as-pie bardie doll has in mind, she smiles to herself since her little plastic lips cannot. Posable Gabrielle twists just a bit so she can see Rigid Xena and speaks in that sultry action figure voice of hers.
More teasing from the action-figure bard and the bard-of-action.
"Let me do all the work this time, Xena. You just stay still."
And a role reversal, a shift in power, provides recompense to the reader who has suspended belief long enough to reach this point in the story.
And so the cabin faded into a burst of hazy sensations and moreso as it began to rain outside and on to the shelf holding their cabin. Someone forgot to close her window in the mansion but the two dolls, warrior and bard, did not care as they slipped into a warm fuzziness. They had finally found a way to bring together their vastly different personalities and manufacturing designs. Sure, it wasn't easy; nothing ever is when it comes down to being rigid and posable. But, tonight, Xena and Gabrielle found a way...a very creative, intricate way...a way that should not be tried at home.
As with all good fan fiction stories, we have here the high-minded precept each reader can take with her: Close your window before retiring.
Wishes
Email Wishes and tell her she needs to start writing for the NY Times!