The following story contains lots of mature innuendo and things of a risque nature involving the action figures of Xena and Gabrielle who are copyrighted to MCA/Universal/Renaissance. There is also mention of those really cool actions figures we had when we grew up, the Wests...Josie West, Johnny West, etc etc...you know, the ones that had all kinds of fab little accessories like cowboy hats, chaps, guns and holsters, spurs, and other accoutrement. No infringement is intended to these parties or the makers of the dolls. The rest of this skit/story/whatever is copyrighted to both Danae (DANAE121@aol.com) and myself (L.N. James), posted on February 16, 1999. I am pleased to present this, our second collaborative work of 'art'. I, too, question our sanity.
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Starring
The Slow Bard and The Fast Warrior
Part 1 by Danae
"A tortoise could bed a woman faster than you, Gabrielle," Rigid Xena taunted.
"Hey!" the posable bard responded. "It's not about speed. It's about romance."
The rigid warrior would have rolled her eyes if she could have. "I'm not into that yucky romance stuff. I just wanna kiss em all!" Rigid Xena raised her arm and tried to make a fist.
"Yeah, yeah," Posable Gabrielle sighed. "We all know you've had nearly everyone and everything in LN's room."
"That's right!" Rigid Xena sat up straighter in the glass beaker hot tub and swirled the water with her fingertips. "I can't help it if the straight ones are hot for me. Say, did I tell you about the time I seduced that mop in the corner in under five minutes?!"
"Hmmph! I still say that doesn't count because it was already wet." Posable Gabrielle gave up on trying to work the stiffness out of Rigid Xena's back and relaxed against the side of the beaker.
The rigid warrior waved her off. "Just admit it, Gabrielle," she said. "You're jealous that I can bed the straight girl dolls more quickly than you can."
"I am not," Posable Gabrielle insisted. "Besides, the only reason the straight girl dolls jump in the sack with you so fast is because they're used to 'hard and rigid.'"
Rigid Xena chuckled. "Hell, Gabrielle. I could even take that purple TeleTubbie doll in under a half a candlemark if I wanted to."
Posable Gabrielle smiled smugly. "And that would prove my point."
Rigid Xena continued her relentless teasing until one day, the irritated posable bard doll answered back. "Who do you think you are?! There's no denying you're sexy and fast, but even you can be beaten!"
The rigid warrior roared with laughter. "Beaten?! By whom?! Not you, surely! I bet there's no doll in the world that can seduce a straight girl doll before I can, I'm so speedy. And, if you think you can, why don't you try?"
Annoyed by such bragging, Posable Gabrielle accepted the challenge and agreed to race Rigid Xena to see which of them could get a straight girl doll into bed first.
The next day at dawn they stood on the shelf outside the cabin. Rigid Xena yawned sleepily as the posable bard doll slowly climbed down from the shelf and made her was across LN's bed. When the rigid warrior saw how painfully slow her sidekick was, she decided, half asleep on her feet, to have a quick nap. "Take your time!" she yelled after the posable bard doll. "I'll catch sixty nine winks and catch up with you later."
Rigid Xena woke with a start from a fitful sleep and gazed around, looking for Posable Gabrielle. She spotted the bard doll making her way leisurely across the floor toward the ranch where the rigid Johnny West family lived. Breathing a sigh of relief, the rigid warrior decided she might as well have breakfast too, and off she went back inside the cabin to munch some green M&Ms which she had stolen from LN's stash on the bedside table. But, the heavy meal made Rigid Xena sleepy again. With a careless glance out the window at the posable bard, who was now shyly handing a tiny sprig of baby's breath to the rigid Josie West doll, Rigid Xena laughed condescendingly and decided to have another snooze before flashing down to sweep Jane West off her feet. And, chuckling at the thought of the look on the posable bard's face when she saw the rigid warrior take Rigid Jane, Rigid Xena fell fast asleep and was soon snoring happily.
The day wore on, and Posable Gabrielle, who had been romancing Rigid Josie since morning, finally lured the rigid cowgirl near the little Barbie doll bed which was conveniently located next to the Wests' ranch. (How that stupid Barbie's bed got into little LN's room is a subject for another story).
At that very moment, Rigid Xena woke with a jolt. She ran outside and gaped when she saw Posable Gabrielle and Rigid Josie nearing the Barbie bed. And, she gasped when she heard the posable bard saying, "Are you sure, Josie?"
The rigid warrior put her fingers to her mouth and made a loud whistle. Out from under the bed charged Johnny West's rigid blonde horse, its white mane flowing in the wind. The horse leapt up onto the bed and whinnied. This was no small feat, as the horse was not just rigid, but completely immovable. The rigid warrior somersaulted off the shelf, landed in the horse's saddle, and away they dashed. She urged the horse to run at a great rate of speed. Just a little father and she'd have Rigid Jane in that Barbie bed faster than Posable Gabrielle could say "sexual conquest."
But the rigid warrior was too late, for, just as she did a triple back flip off the horse and landed next to Rigid Jane, Rigid Josie let out an orgasmic cry from where she lay in the Barbie bed with Posable Gabrielle.
Poor Rigid Xena! Tired and in disgrace, she slumped down beside the Barbie bed and looked up at Posable Gabrielle who was silently smiling at her.
"Slowly does it every time," the posable bard doll said softly.
FADE OUT
Did Posable Gab really seduce Josie West?!
How Will Rigid Xena recover from this?!
What will this all mean for The Relationship??!
Will Lunacy review this?!
The Morning After Last Night But Not Before High Noon
Part II by L.N. James
The characters of Rigid Xena and Posable Gabrielle are copyrighted to Danae and the manufacturers of the plastic/rubber substance from which they were molded. The character of Josie and Jane West are copyrighted to Marx Toys.. I take no responsibility for the content of this story and blame The Bat Morda as per the rules and regulations of the Xenaverse.
LOVE/SEX NOTE: This story makes reference to explicit graphic lovemaking between two consenting dolls of the same sex. Sorta.
LUNACY FACTOR VIOLATION: References in this story may or may not include a third party made of plastic. Buyer beware!
80's DRAMA/PRIMETIME SOAP SERIES REFERENCE: Much like 'Dynasty' and 'Dallas', this story may or may not feature big hair, conniving stepchildren, evil bitches with names like Alexis, and whatever happened to Charlene Tilton, I wonder?
CAVEAT MISUSAGE: In the event that the word 'caveat' is used to mean anything other than a word of warning or caution, it shall be noted that it was done in the name of 'sexiness' rather than in complying with True Literary Form.
MERWOLF TEASING: There may or may not be light-hearted teasing of Alpha Missy Good. Should this idea incite a riot, I hereby abdicate all responsiblity contained therein and moreover claim immunity from any and all persecution, particularly if named parties in the lawsuit are Merpups. All rioting plans should be taken up with the appropriate subcommittee made up of members of the Ways and Means committee. In the event that the plan makes it to the floor of the Senate for vote, I ask that all media be excluded from the debate so that voters may never know what goes on with their elected officials.
GOLDEN GLOBE MOMENT: Finally, I want to thank the international community for their continued support. You folks in Trinidad and Topago are wonderful. A big 'word up!' to my buddies in Germany, Iceland, Malaysia, and that fantastic group in Singapore! Say Hey! Say Ho! Yo-yo-yo to Mexico!
When we last saw our dynamic duo, Rigid Xena found Posable Gabrielle in bed with Rigid Josie West...
"Oh my god!!"
Stirring, a naked poseable bard, covered in a little piece of fur (which came from a cute little bunny rabbit if you must know), woke up and looked over at her bed companion.
"What's wrong, Xena?"
Rigid Xena bent her sword-action arm and attempted to run her hand through her hair, which unfortunately was as solid and unyielding as the rest of her. Twisting her body, she looked over at Posable Gabrielle and exhaled.
"I just had the strangest dream, Gabrielle."
Reaching out to stroke against the cold plastic of her warrior's cheek, Gabrielle's eyes took on a look of compassion and concern (which simply meant that a person squinting at her might interpret the look on her face that way when in fact, there was no noticeable change in the molding around her eyes and face).
"It's alright, Xena..you're safe here, what was it?"
Rigid Xena would have shook her head to clear the cobwebs, but as it was, she reached over and pulled PoseableGabrielle in her strong arms and held her tight.
"In my dream, I was boastful and arrogant..I bragged about seducing straight dolls..I might have even had several thousand feathers in my cap."
The ever-pliable bard looked into Rigid Xena's painted on blue eyes and sighed.
"Xena, you don't wear hats...well, except for that one made out of a dime when we play dressup EvilRigidCoinhatWarlord and InnocentSeducablePosablePeasantGirl."
Managing an intense look (with the help of an eyesquint and a strategically placed shadow), Rigid Xena nodded solemnly.
"And that's when I knew it was a dream..I would never crow and strut. I am much more honor-bound than that."
Pulling the fur blanket around their manufactured bodies, Posable Gabrielle spoke softly.
"Xena, maybe it's your subconscious trying to tell you something in your dreams. Remember that one time I dreamed we were flesh and blood people but that we were characters in some bizarre surrealistic play where we acted like we lived in Ancient Greece and people all over the world, places like Finland, Austria, and Canada, watched our play on mechanical shadow boxes and we had all sorts of adventures and we fell in love and lived happily ever after when five seasons were up. Well, we talked about that and you told me it was just my need for love and approval coming out in my dreams. It wasn't until you said the words 'I love you, Gabrielle' unprompted that I realized you were right."
Laying flat on her back, Rigid Xena listened as her twisty, bendy galpal talked and then thought about her dream again.
"But Gabrielle, it all felt so real..the plastic saddle on that immovable horse, the realistic molded western wear on the West dolls, including the cool gun and holster, hat, and other such things, and that Barbie dollhouse bed you were in..it all felt so real..and wait a minute! In my dream, you seduced Josie West and had a self-satisfied look on your face bordering on pride, but which could easily be interpreted as arrogance."
Posable Gabrielle stood up from the bed, her near-naked torso flexing in the light. Aside from the painted on pink panties, the bard was bare. Sighing, she spun around and looked at her rigid warrior in the bed they shared.
"Xena, clearly, this dream is a convenient way to avoid your deeper emotions. Portraying me as an adulterer in your dreams is your way of avoiding intimacy. Your fear is misplaced and you simply need to get in touch with your inner child."
Rigid Xena stared fixidly at the ceiling, more out of necessity based on her rigidity than anything else. In her head, the word 'psychobabble' rolled around before another thought came to mind. Bending her arm, she leaned up on her solid elbow and pointed her eyes in the direction of Posable Gabrielle's, hoping to convey in those little blue dots all that she felt. The bard came over and sat on the bed, reaching out to hold the warrior's hand as she spoke.
"Xena, tell me how you feel...right now."
Rigid Xena resisted communicating, the hard-shell-coated warrior fighting to remain all stoic and tough. But, seeing the look she thought she saw on Posable Gabrielle's face, the big dumb walls around her heart crumbled yet again. And she whispered.
"I hurt....don't you?"
Posable Gabrielle nodded and silently pulled the newly softened warrior from the bed. Standing erectly, yet not phallically, Rigid Xena watched as her bard reached down and pulled the kleenex that covered their pallet. There, plain as day underneath the bed they had slept in, was a 3 1/2 year old dried pea. Reaching down, Posable Gabrielle took the hard BB-like pellet and held it out to her warrior-lover.
"Don't you see? We never tell each other what we feel. We've been sleeping on this for 3 1/2 years and neither one of us said a word."
Taking the rock-like pea from Posable Gabrielle's hand, Rigid Xena nodded.
"You're right. I was worried you would leave me for some other action figure who promised you a brighter spot near the window over there. And I let that fear stop me from telling you 'I love you' unprompted."
Posable Gabrielle nodded and spoke her heart as well.
"And I was worried your darkside was a disease, but now I know it's not. It's just how that curtain over there blocks the sun and covers you in shadows. I let that fear stop me from telling you that I will never leave you, no matter how sunny and light it is somewhere else. You are the other half of my soul."
Posable Gabrielle paused and put her arms around Rigid Xena, who did the same until they were both balanced in each other's arms which kind of made it odd because Posable Gabrielle ended up being taller than Rigid Xena, but that's not the point. Continuing, the bendy bard spoke.
"Besides, we both look fabulously hot together and everyone wants us."
Rigid Xena smiled, not with her lips but with her heart.
"Riight..we do make a pretty good couple."
Jumping up in Rigid Xena's arms, Posable Gabrielle's weight spun them around and they fell into the now-soft pallet of kleenex and rabbit fur. Laughing, they lay side-by-side and moved their arms and legs best they could, simulating swimming. As the glow started to glow glowier and the haze started to haze hazier, Rigid Xena's face took on a very smug and very confident look as she spoke to her bardly partner in life.
"Now, let's make our dreams come true where I seduce you and we both get to feel satisfied with ourselves and live happily ever after."
Posable Gabrielle giggled, yes giggled, before she sighed happily.
"Oh Xena, I love it when you get all mushy.."
And the scene faded deeper and darker and hazier and glowy and floating clouds drifted around the two lovers as it became harder and harder to see them amidst the haze and fog and glow of love. And once again, the warrior and bard discovered that if they simply sat down and talked things out, they could move past the insecurities and doubts so that they could then get down to the business of loving.
For Now.