Impulse:
Book Four
MOVING
ON
“Impulse: A sudden inclination or urge”
The American Heritage dictionary
By Mezzo
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ONE)
Copyright: Copyright © 2002 by Mezzo All Rights
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INSTALLMENT SIX
The two sat at a booth in the back of the
pub. The waiter had just arrived to take
their orders.
“Ladies… will you be eating with us or just
having drinks?” Tori
looked at Jenna and the teacher shrugged her shoulders.
“I haven’t eaten a thing so I better get
something to coat my stomach if we’re going to be drinking.” Tori looked at
Jenna and nodded.
“I’ll have whatever she’s having.” The waiter looked at Tori
and she took a quick look at the menu.
“How does a Jameson and Fish and Chips
sound?” Tori
waited for Jenna’s approval. You could
hardly tell that Tori had beaten the stuffing out of
Jenna a little while ago.
“That’s fine.”
Jenna nodded to the waiter who smiled, took their menus, then went to place their order.
“So where were we? Ah yes. You wanted to know what Brett saw in
me. Well it was more like what I saw in
her, which you obviously know already.
Back then, I was a manipulative, conniving bitch, for lack of a better
description. But fitting just the same. Brett
possessed all the qualities that I lacked and I was drawn to her as darkness is
to light. I wanted to bask in her joy
and bathe in her exuberance. I had never
felt anything like what I felt in those days with Brett. And instead of
cherishing and nurturing it, I tried to control it. Brett on the other hand was so trusting and
so willing to love, she never once questioned if I was right for her. I almost felt like a cause for her at
times. A pet project
for her to mold and develop. Rather like an experiment in unconditional
love. But it really wasn’t an
experiment. Brett was just being Brett.”
Jenna’s face got very sad and tears were pooling at the corner of her
eyes.
“You see…. all my life I had been fighting for
attention. Add that to the fact that my
parents were rich and gave me a credit card when I was twelve. They gave me everything except their
love. I learned at a very young age that
people and things could be bought and that everyone had a weakness. I learned to find that weakness and exploit
it. …. I see from the look in your eyes that you understand this.” Tori looked at
Jenna and urged her to continue.
“Well, I spent a good portion of my time trying
to get my parents’ attention. Even if it meant making them fly home from wherever
they were and bail me out of jail or answer a call from the police department
about a party that I had thrown. The
heights and lengths I’d go to outrage them just to get their attention got
worse and worse to the point that soon even they couldn’t cover it up after
awhile. Amazingly
enough, I had good grades. I was accepted to any school of my choosing,
and this was my parents’ out. They told
me that they would pay for my tuition, housing, and allowance every year but I
was never to step foot in their home again.
It wasn’t like it was ever my home in the first place. But it didn’t stop me from wanting it just
the same. When I met Brett, she offered
me something that I had been looking for my whole life. And yet when I was
given that gift, all I could do was focus on how to keep it from
disappearing. I got jealous at every
little thing. Brett’s friends, family,
work, and please… when I met you that day on Brett’s birthday, I knew that she
belonged with you. Oh how I hated
you. I prayed that Brett would look at
me the way that she looked at you. That
light that I saw in her eyes got even brighter that day when you two looked at
each other at the apartment. You have no
idea, what that did to me.”
Jenna now let the tears come and she took a long
draw from her drink. “But even though it
was killing Brett to not be with you, I still couldn’t let her go. And Brett
being an honorable woman, wouldn’t leave.
She would stay with me no matter what.
I would constantly get jealous, insult her, and berate her. I’d pick fights with her family and make her
choose between us. I did everything I
could to test her. To prove that she was
just like everyone else and that she would leave me. I was my own self fulfilling prophecy. My own worst nightmare.”
Jenna took a moment to calm her nerves and looked to see if Tori had anything to say.
Tori on the other hand just gave Jenna the
room to talk. She took a sip over her
drink and a bite of her meal.
“Go on Jenna. I’m listening.” Tori found that
Jenna had indeed taken the time to think about her life and found up to this
point she understood Jenna’s actions.
“I could see the light in Brett’s eyes getting
dimmer and dimmer and I knew I was the cause.
But like a leach, I wanted it all.
One night I came home to find Brett studying with, I swear, an exact
replica of you.” Jenna rolled her eyes
and Tori gave her dirty look.
“And that was the first time that I lost
it. It just took one moment of
uncontrolled anger to change one’s destiny forever. I threw the girl out. And when Brett
questioned my actions, I hauled off and slapped her clear across the
room.” Jenna could see the change in
Tori’s demeanor almost immediately and knew that the woman was just moments
from losing control again. But she continued.
“To this day I don’t know why I hit her. I just
know that it’s a part of me. Brett asked
me at the time to get help and I went as far as going to two appointments. By the second appointment, the doctor had
already diagnosed me and I wasn’t ready or willing to hear what she had to
say. Therefore, I left. I lied to Brett
and pretended to go to the doctor. When Brett asked to accompany me, I gave
Brett an excuse that the doctor thought this was something I had to do by
myself and that Brett wasn’t allowed to accompany me to my appointments. It worked for a while. Until Brett started getting offers from
various schools and publishing houses. I had already secured my first real position
at the university and I was starting to feel afraid that Brett would eventually
leave. She came to me one night and told
me she was considering taking a position here in
Tori just sat there. If it was
anyone else but Brett maybe, she wouldn’t feel such anger. But then again no
one deserved what Jenna had done. She
thought about what Jenna had revealed and found that a part of Jenna’s words
made sense to her. She didn’t agree with
it. She most certainly didn’t like it
and a part of her still wanted to kill the math professor. But to what gain? For the first time she
understood what Brett was trying to do.
She was trying to stop the cycle of violence that would surely
perpetuate if Jenna hadn’t gotten help.
Jenna wiped at her eyes and cleared her
throat. “I woke up the next day in the
psyche ward. I was sedated and I wasn’t
at all coherent. I spent the next few
months acting like a caged animal. When the doctor asked what I remembered, I
said didn’t remember anything. Then I made excuses and eventually, even the
excuses sounded hollow to me. I woke up
one morning and thought about Brett and everything she had ever offered me. I
felt remorse for the first time in my life.
Up to that point, I had a reason to do what I did. An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. Like actions. Like consequences. However, I had no excuse as far as Brett was
concerned. She offered unconditional
love and I truly became no better than that which I hated. It was that day I sat in front of the doctors
and accepted the responsibility for my actions.” Jenna took a sip and knew what she needed to
say next.
“Now, Victoria Hull….. You want to know what I’m
doing here?
You’re right. I had an ulterior motive.
I have to admit that I wasn’t surprised to see you with Brett. And yet a
part of me was too proud to think that I didn’t have a chance. I have spent the last four years trying to be
someone that I could be proud of. I
wanted to be me, Jenna Carlisle. Not someone my parents molded me to be or what
my countless relatives told me I would never become. But someone I chose to be. Someone
that I had hoped that Brett could love.
I figured that if she could love the maniac that I was, maybe she could
love the person that I had become. But
just as you walked away six years ago, I know that that’s what I must do
now. I screwed up and I know it. But knowing Brett, can you blame me for
wanting to at least try?” Jenna looked
at Tori to try and decipher what she might be
thinking but her face remained a blank at the moment.
Tori took a last bite and took another sip
of her Jameson. She looked at her hands
and thought about her next move. She shook her head and thought about all the
stupid things she had done in her own past. The story from the bible about a
stone kept ringing through her head. She
took one last sigh and looked at Jenna trying to see any deceit. She truly couldn’t see any. So she took the
leap of faith that Brett had done all her life.
“We’ll that’s quite
a story you’ve got there.” Jenna looked
at her and hung her head.
“
“I listened to you.
Now you listen to me. It is a story.
It’s one about your life and I can see that you understand it very well. I can’t blame you for falling for Brett and
wanting to get her back. But I’ve got to
tell you, you’ve got a snowball’s chance.
I don’t know what Brett and I have.
But we’ve always had it. It’s bigger than the both of us. I’ve done my share of unforgivable deeds, but
Brett accepts me none the less. However,
unlike you, I’m not going to push her away.
I plan to spend the rest of my life making her happy. Unfortunately,
thanks to you, I have my work cut out for me.
Thankfully, that light that we love so much about Brett still burns
brighter than the sun. And I will do everything in my power to ensure that
continues even if it means sitting in a pub across from someone who I wanted to
kill earlier today. We’ve both done
things to Brett that have hurt her and I ask you now to let her be happy. I don’t know how I got so lucky as to be the
one that Brett has chosen to love.
Nevertheless, I seem to have everything that she needs to make that
possible. I promise to keep out of your
life, if you promise to give up this pursuit of Brett. I don’t like being the bad guy. Just like you, I just want to love Brett and
build a life with her, but someone has to walk away. And it’s not going to be
me this time. If you choose to build a
life here in
“I commend you for
picking up the pieces of your life and I hope you find someone that you can
love and who will fully love you. Thank
you for allowing me to see you better and I hope we can finally put this behind
us.”
Tori looked at her watch again and rose
from her seat. “I’ve got to go meet Brett.
Do you want to come?” Tori motioned for Jenna and she accepted. They paid the tab and left to meet Brett.
TO BE CONTINUED. Installment
Seven
Impulse:
Book Four
MOVING ON